1 minute read
Andreas Copes
Gay Bones
Andreas Copes
Advertisement
2012
Breathingin.Pause.Breathingout.Pause.Ryanislayingonthebedinhisoneroom
apartment.Heisliftinghisshirtandtoucheshisbody.Heispullinghisskin,tryingtofind
theverylastpieceoffatleftinhisbody.“Youaredisgusting,”avoiceinhisheadissaying.
Hebreathesinandholdhisbreath.10seconds.20seconds.30seconds.Thebonesofthe
breastspinepiercethebareskin,almostasiftheywantedtopenetrateit.One,two,three,
four,five,six,seven…breathingout…breathingin…eight,nine,ten,eleven,twelve.Twelve
bones,thatisthenumberofboneshecountsinhisribcage.Ryanisglidingoverhischest
whileholdinghisbreathandalmostfindsitamusinghowitfeelslikeplayingthexylophone
in3rdgrade.Everypaper,everymovie,everyoneinthescenetellsyou,ifyouwanttoget
laidasaTwinkyoubetterbeskinny.Ryan,youbetterbeskinny.
MynameisRyanandthisismylife.IalwayshadaneyeonboyswhenIwasin
elementaryschool.Ievenrememberthat,insecondgradeIaskedmybestfriendSashaifI
couldkisshim.Iguesshereyouhavetheanswertothesooftenaskedquestion:“Whendid
youfindoutthatyouweregay?”Ialsoremember,andthatwaswaybeforesecondgrade,a
momentinwhichIwasqueuingforthewaterslideatthepoolandIcouldn’tgetmyeyesof
theperson(amale)standinginlinebeforeme.Yes,IthinkIneverturned“gay,”Irather
wasborngay.TheolderIgot,themorecomplicateditbecame,notonlyformyself,butalso
formyclassmates.Peoplethatweremyfriends,mostlymalefriends,suddenlyturned
againstme.Iguessthatmusthavebeenwhenthatbitch“puberty”cameintoallourlives
andruinedus.“Faggot,”thatiswhattheyusedtocallme.Iwasfinewith“ginger”allthe
yearsbefore,buttherewassomethingabouttheword“Faggot”thatresonatedwithme
badly.Iamnotafaggot!Ican’tbeafaggot.Wait!Whatisafaggot?Iguesssomeclassmates
sawsomethinginmethatIdidnotwanttosee.Ireallywantedtobestraightsobadly.In
myearlypubertyIrealizedthatshirtlessJustinTimberlakeandDavidBeckhamturnedme
moreonthanBritneySpearsorNicoleScherzinger.Andstill,eventhoughIexactlyknew
thatmywaywouldbepavedwithyellowbricksandIwasa“friendofDorothies’,”Itriedso
hardtoescapethepathwaytoEmeraldCity.
2010
Hepullsoffthekeysfromhiskeychain,barelylooksintohismom’seyes,opensthe
doorandturnsaround.“Ihadagreatchildhood,butthepastfewyearswerejustshitty,”
Ryansaysandleaves.Hegetsintothecarandputsthekeyintheignition,butdoesnot
startthecar.Hepausesagain.Thebackofthetruckisfilledwithmovingboxesfullofcrap
hehoardedoverthepast,almosttwodecades.Heturnsthekeyandthecarstartshowling
up.Thecarisinreversegearandrollsoffthedriveway.Ryandecidesnottotakethedirect
routetohisnewapartment,butinsteadloopsaroundthehoodhegrewupinforthepast
nineteenyears.Justbeforehegetsonthehighway,Ryanpassestheplacehelovedand
hatedatthesametime,hishighschool.
2008
TamiismybestfriendandthepersonIwouldhangoutwithalmosteverydayafter
school.Wewouldbechatting,watchhorrormovies,orlistentoskapunkmusic.Iwillnever
forgetthedayItoldher.Beadvised,ifthereisonepersoninthewholewideworldthat
knowsyouaregay,evenbeforeyouknowwhatisgoingonwithyou,itisyourbestfriend.I
wassittingonherbed,mybackagainstthewallandapillowonmylab.“Tami,Ihavetotell
yousomething,”Ibeginwithacollapsingvoice.“ThereissomethingIhavetotellyouabout
me,anditishorrible.”ThenIpaused.Tamimadesomekindguesses,nottocomeoffas
rudebeforeshefinallysaid:“Youaregay!”Icouldfeeltheadrenalinerushingthroughmy
veins.Mythroatwasgettingtighterandtighter.Bam!Bam!Bam!Icouldhearhowmyheart
waspumpinggallonsofbloodthroughmyentirebody,likeaVolcanothatisabouttoerupt.
Iopenedmymouthandmydrytonguemanagedtoarticulatethemostsubmissive
sentenceIwouldeversayinmyentirelife:“Yes,anditishorrible.” Tamiknewexactly
whattosayinthissituationandIwisheveryclosetedpersonhadaTamiintheirlife.
“Thereisnothingwrongaboutit,Ryan,”shesaidandthenshehuggedmeandweboth
startedcrying.Itwasahappycrying.Ifinallyfeltheard,finallywasbeingheardandIcould
havenotwishedforanybetteroutcome.
Earlierin 2008
Heleavesthehouseat7:30AMonhisbike.TheSteinHighschoolinFortManawick
isabout15minutesawaybybikefromhisparents’houseandclasseswouldstartat8.
RyangetstohisSchoo’sbikestandwherehisfriendsareawaitinghimwithconcerned
faces.Whatisgoingon?Hegetsoffhisbike,locksthefrontwheeltothebikestand,pullsoff
hishelmetandwalkstowardsthem.Jake,afriendofRyan’swhoisagradeabovehimis
holdingtwosheetsofpaper.“What’swrongguys,”Ryanasks.“Lookatthis,”Jakeissaying
whileheishandingoveroneofthesheetstoRyan.“WANTED:DeadorAlive.Allfaggots
shouldhaveacorkintheirass,”theposterreads.Therightcornerofthepostershowsa
pictureofJakeandtheleftcorner,apictureofRyan.“Whodidthis?”Ryanisasking.“Itwas
thegrouparoundJohn.Theydidthat.Ican’tbelieveit,”Marysays.Maryisafaghag,a
straightwomanwholikestobesurroundedbygaymenandbetheirbestfriend.“Wewent
totheprinciple.Theyareinvestigatingthecase,”Jakesays.“WhereisJohnnow?”Ryan
wantstoknowandMaryresponds,“Heisnothereyetandtheyarecallinghimtonotcome
toclassestoday.”Theschool-bellisringingtoannouncethefirstclassinthemorningand
RyaniswalkingtohisBiologyclass,theclasshewouldhavehadwithJohn,buttodaythat
seatwouldremainempty.
Laterin 2008
Thelightsareoff.HereIam,inmyseat.Myheartispumpingastreamofbloodand
adrenalinethroughmybody.Thisisthefirsttimesomethinglikethishappenstome.Ican
seethelightnow,itstarts.Ahandtouchesme,mylab.Zip,mypantsareunzippedandthe
handisfindingitswayintomypants.Icanfeelthepulseinmycarotid,almostasifmy
throatisexploding.WhatamIdoinghere?WhatshallIdo?Well,Iguessthisisgoingtobea
“handson”experience.Somyhandismovingtowardshisprivatesection.Icanfeelthe
fabricofhisdenims.Sowarm.Ifindmywaytothezipperandzip.Iguessthisiswhatafirst
datelookslike.Thisis17-year-oldmeinamovietheaternearthetownIgrewupin.His
nameisDrakeandheisthefirstmanIamdatinginperson.Aftermyfirstcomingoutthere
hadbeennothingmoreimportantthantofindsomeonetoexploremynewclaimedsexual
identitywith. Gayromeo wastheonlinegatewayforqueermillennialsintheearly2000s.
Mycousinwouldlaternicknameit“meatmarket.”HereIam,16goingon17,watched
severalseasonofQueeras Folk andfinallyIhavetoanswerquestionslike“toporbottom,”
“positiveornegative”or“fetishes.”IcannotrememberhowIfilledoutmyprofile,butit
probablyread“underweight,bottomvirginislookingfordarkhairedtwink”(askinnymen
inhis20s).Ineverfeltgreataboutmyself,IneverthoughtIwasattractive,soevery
unansweredmessageon Gayromeo toldme“you’reugly,”“you’renotwhatwearelooking
for.”Eventually,IwasluckyandtheonlyoneyearolderDrakewouldrespondtomy
messagesandshowedinterest.Drakewenttothesamehighschoolasmycousinandeven
thoughtheydidnotknoweachotheritgavemeafeelingofsecurity.Drakealsodidnotlive
inthesametownasIdidwhichgavemesecurity,becauseIdidnotwanttobeoutedbythe
guythatwouldbemyfirstsame-sexdate.Wefinallymadeplanstogotothemovies
together,youknowtheendofthisstory.Yet,thefinalendofthestorywasthatDrakeandI
wouldsaygoodbyethatnightandthatwasthelasttimeIheardofhimorsawhim.
Earlierin 2008
CommunityService-thatwasbehispunishment.Johnputthissearchwarrantfor
Ryanonlineandallhegetsishoursofcommunityservice.Notonlywasitamild
punishment,butthecommunityservicewouldbeheldattheschool’slibrary,aplacethat
Ryanwouldvisitfrequently.Nevertheless,thatwasnotthebiggestproblemforRyan,but
thegoodoldquestionof:“HowamIgonnatellmyparents?”Ryanisonhisbikebackhome.
Hearrivesathisparents’houseandopensthedoor.“Dotheyknowalready?”heisasking
himselfwhileheistakingoffhisshoes.HismumopensthedoorandthesmellofMacand
CheeseisfindingitswayintoRyan’snose.Theyareallsittingatthetablehavinglunch;his
mom,hisdadandRyan.“WhathappenedatschooltodayRyan?”hisdadisasking.“Not
much.WehadarevisionfortheupcomingPEtestnextweek.Oh,bytheway,mayIgoto
Tami’splacetoday?Wehaveworktodo,”Ryananswerswhileheistryingtoeatasfastas
possibletoleavethetable.“Sure,justmakesureyouwillbebackbefore8sincewe…,”his
momstartsansweringwhensheisgettinginterruptedbythetelephone.“…ohhello
PrincipleWagner…yes,heishome,doyouwanttotalktohim?…what?!…yes…ohmy
god…sure,Iwilltalktohim.”Hismomhangsuponthecallandcomesbackintothekitchen.
2009
143lbps,6feettall;thatwasmeattheageof15.Ihadlostsomeweightinmyteens
becauseIdidnotfeelcomfortableinmybody,thekidsatschoolwouldmakefunofmeand
myparents’neighbor,adoctor,wouldcriticizemyborderlineobesityaswell.143lbpswas
somethingpeoplecouldlivewith.Mymomwasabitconcerned,butgenerallyokaywithit.
Theonlypersonthatwasnotokaywithitwasme.SinceDrakeleftmethatnightIstarted
questioningmyselfandmyoutwardappearance.Iamfuckingugly,I’mfat.Letmeloose
somemorepoundsandseewherethatwillgo.Irejectanyextratreatsandlimitthe
portionsmymomwouldmakeforlunchanddinner.Thehuntforfewercaloriesbeginsand
everydayIamundermycaloriegoalitisacelebration,everydayIamoveritisa
nightmare.Myparentsannoyme.Theygivemethisfaceof“What’swrongwithyou?”every
timeIwouldcomeouttheshowerandwalkbackintomyroom.Dadonedaysaid“Whatdo
youhaveonyourback,”anditwasnothingbutmyshoulder-bonestickingoutbecauseit
wascoveredbynothingbutskinandmyshirt.Superficiality,IthinkissomethingIwas
alwaysbeinghelduptobymyparentsandoursociety.Don’tlookthisway,donotwear
this,whatwilltheotherssay,tooskinny,toofat,toopale,toread-headed,toogay,too
manytattoos.Believeitornot,butitisdifficulttogrowupinacatholicsmalltownwhen
youdonothaveanythingincommonbuttheskincolor.AndthatiswhyIamleavingthis
place.Iamgoingtothecity.Iambecomingmyself.
Late Spring 2008
“Areyougay,”Ryan’smomisasking.It’sbeensomeweeksnowaftertheincidentat
theschoolandtheprincipalhastalkedtoallthepartiesinvolvedandeveryoneagreedthat
itwouldbebestiftheycouldjustmoveonandgetoverit.Ryanwasscaredtogotoschool,
buthewasevenmorescaredtotalktohisparentsabouthissexualorientation.“Noooo!
Don’tsaythatmom,”herespondedwhilehisheartwasbleedingandhewantednothing
morebutshoutingout“Yes,Yes,Yes.IamQueer.”Theconversationwasoverandwouldbe
overforquitesometime.
Mid2008
AfterRyanmetDrakehefellintoadeepdepression.Hewouldloosemoreandmore
weightandeventuallyfoundhisseconddateonline.Thedayhecamebackfromthisdate
hetalkedtohismother.“Mom,Iwasn’twithfriendstoday.Ihadadate,”hestarts.“Ryan!
Thatissodangerous.Youdon’tknowwhowouldreallyshowup,”sheanswers.“Mom,Iam
datingaman,”Ryan’svoicedies.“Wow.Aman?SoyouAREgay?”Shebegins.“Mhh,”Ryan
can’treallyanswerthequestionashefeelsshame,fornoreason.“That’sallright.Justbe
carefulwhenyoudateandalwaysmakesuretouseacondom,”shestarts.“Moooom,”Ryan
saysannoyed.“I’mdeadserious,sweetie.Myco-workerandgoodfriendisHiVpositive.I
justwantyoutobecareful,”shesays.
MyseconddatewouldturnouttobeadeadseriousrelationshipandIwouldbe
happy.Yet,Iamtrappedinthisvoidofsuperficialityandthedesiretobeskinny.Ihavelost
alotofweightnowanditkeepsgoingdown.EventhoughIdonotwanttoloosemore
weight,Ican’thelpbuttonoteatenough.BythetimeIam20myweightis104lbps.Ilook
intothemirrorandIamdisgustedbymyself.Icanseemyribcage.Iamtakingpicturesof
myselfshirtless,inhalingtopushmybonesoutasmuchaspossibleandIamscreaming.It
hurts,Iamcold,thisisridiculous.AndthenIgetintothehospitalandthatchangesmylife
forever…
PROLOGUE
Theeventsofthispiecearebasedonatruestory,mystory.Iamanauthorandjournalist.I
grewupinGermanyandmovedtoAmericain2017whereIfoundtheloveofmylifeand
mynowhusband.Thenamesinthestoryhavebeenchangedtosecuretheprivacyofthe
people,thefactsremainfacts.Iamplanningonexpandingthispiecetoempowerothers
withasimilarstory.Itisimportantformethatpeoplestrugglingwithaddiction,
psychologicaldisordersordisabilityknowthattheyarenotaloneandthatitisnotashame
totalkaboutthestrugglesandseekhelp.