Andreas Copes

Gay Bones

Andreas Copes

2012

Breathingin.Pause.Breathingout.Pause.Ryanislayingonthebedinhisoneroom

apartment.Heisliftinghisshirtandtoucheshisbody.Heispullinghisskin,tryingtofind

theverylastpieceoffatleftinhisbody.“Youaredisgusting,”avoiceinhisheadissaying.

Hebreathesinandholdhisbreath.10seconds.20seconds.30seconds.Thebonesofthe

breastspinepiercethebareskin,almostasiftheywantedtopenetrateit.One,two,three,

four,five,six,seven…breathingout…breathingin…eight,nine,ten,eleven,twelve.Twelve

bones,thatisthenumberofboneshecountsinhisribcage.Ryanisglidingoverhischest

whileholdinghisbreathandalmostfindsitamusinghowitfeelslikeplayingthexylophone

in3rdgrade.Everypaper,everymovie,everyoneinthescenetellsyou,ifyouwanttoget

laidasaTwinkyoubetterbeskinny.Ryan,youbetterbeskinny.

MynameisRyanandthisismylife.IalwayshadaneyeonboyswhenIwasin

elementaryschool.Ievenrememberthat,insecondgradeIaskedmybestfriendSashaifI

couldkisshim.Iguesshereyouhavetheanswertothesooftenaskedquestion:“Whendid

youfindoutthatyouweregay?”Ialsoremember,andthatwaswaybeforesecondgrade,a

momentinwhichIwasqueuingforthewaterslideatthepoolandIcouldn’tgetmyeyesof

theperson(amale)standinginlinebeforeme.Yes,IthinkIneverturned“gay,”Irather

wasborngay.TheolderIgot,themorecomplicateditbecame,notonlyformyself,butalso

formyclassmates.Peoplethatweremyfriends,mostlymalefriends,suddenlyturned

againstme.Iguessthatmusthavebeenwhenthatbitch“puberty”cameintoallourlives

andruinedus.“Faggot,”thatiswhattheyusedtocallme.Iwasfinewith“ginger”allthe

yearsbefore,buttherewassomethingabouttheword“Faggot”thatresonatedwithme

badly.Iamnotafaggot!Ican’tbeafaggot.Wait!Whatisafaggot?Iguesssomeclassmates

sawsomethinginmethatIdidnotwanttosee.Ireallywantedtobestraightsobadly.In

myearlypubertyIrealizedthatshirtlessJustinTimberlakeandDavidBeckhamturnedme

moreonthanBritneySpearsorNicoleScherzinger.Andstill,eventhoughIexactlyknew

thatmywaywouldbepavedwithyellowbricksandIwasa“friendofDorothies’,”Itriedso

hardtoescapethepathwaytoEmeraldCity.

2010

Hepullsoffthekeysfromhiskeychain,barelylooksintohismom’seyes,opensthe

doorandturnsaround.“Ihadagreatchildhood,butthepastfewyearswerejustshitty,”

Ryansaysandleaves.Hegetsintothecarandputsthekeyintheignition,butdoesnot

startthecar.Hepausesagain.Thebackofthetruckisfilledwithmovingboxesfullofcrap

hehoardedoverthepast,almosttwodecades.Heturnsthekeyandthecarstartshowling

up.Thecarisinreversegearandrollsoffthedriveway.Ryandecidesnottotakethedirect

routetohisnewapartment,butinsteadloopsaroundthehoodhegrewupinforthepast

nineteenyears.Justbeforehegetsonthehighway,Ryanpassestheplacehelovedand

hatedatthesametime,hishighschool.

2008

TamiismybestfriendandthepersonIwouldhangoutwithalmosteverydayafter

school.Wewouldbechatting,watchhorrormovies,orlistentoskapunkmusic.Iwillnever

forgetthedayItoldher.Beadvised,ifthereisonepersoninthewholewideworldthat

knowsyouaregay,evenbeforeyouknowwhatisgoingonwithyou,itisyourbestfriend.I

wassittingonherbed,mybackagainstthewallandapillowonmylab.“Tami,Ihavetotell

yousomething,”Ibeginwithacollapsingvoice.“ThereissomethingIhavetotellyouabout

me,anditishorrible.”ThenIpaused.Tamimadesomekindguesses,nottocomeoffas

rudebeforeshefinallysaid:“Youaregay!”Icouldfeeltheadrenalinerushingthroughmy

veins.Mythroatwasgettingtighterandtighter.Bam!Bam!Bam!Icouldhearhowmyheart

waspumpinggallonsofbloodthroughmyentirebody,likeaVolcanothatisabouttoerupt.

Iopenedmymouthandmydrytonguemanagedtoarticulatethemostsubmissive

sentenceIwouldeversayinmyentirelife:“Yes,anditishorrible.” Tamiknewexactly

whattosayinthissituationandIwisheveryclosetedpersonhadaTamiintheirlife.

“Thereisnothingwrongaboutit,Ryan,”shesaidandthenshehuggedmeandweboth

startedcrying.Itwasahappycrying.Ifinallyfeltheard,finallywasbeingheardandIcould

havenotwishedforanybetteroutcome.

Earlierin 2008

Heleavesthehouseat7:30AMonhisbike.TheSteinHighschoolinFortManawick

isabout15minutesawaybybikefromhisparents’houseandclasseswouldstartat8.

RyangetstohisSchoo’sbikestandwherehisfriendsareawaitinghimwithconcerned

faces.Whatisgoingon?Hegetsoffhisbike,locksthefrontwheeltothebikestand,pullsoff

hishelmetandwalkstowardsthem.Jake,afriendofRyan’swhoisagradeabovehimis

holdingtwosheetsofpaper.“What’swrongguys,”Ryanasks.“Lookatthis,”Jakeissaying

whileheishandingoveroneofthesheetstoRyan.“WANTED:DeadorAlive.Allfaggots

shouldhaveacorkintheirass,”theposterreads.Therightcornerofthepostershowsa

pictureofJakeandtheleftcorner,apictureofRyan.“Whodidthis?”Ryanisasking.“Itwas

thegrouparoundJohn.Theydidthat.Ican’tbelieveit,”Marysays.Maryisafaghag,a

straightwomanwholikestobesurroundedbygaymenandbetheirbestfriend.“Wewent

totheprinciple.Theyareinvestigatingthecase,”Jakesays.“WhereisJohnnow?”Ryan

wantstoknowandMaryresponds,“Heisnothereyetandtheyarecallinghimtonotcome

toclassestoday.”Theschool-bellisringingtoannouncethefirstclassinthemorningand

RyaniswalkingtohisBiologyclass,theclasshewouldhavehadwithJohn,buttodaythat

seatwouldremainempty.

Laterin 2008

Thelightsareoff.HereIam,inmyseat.Myheartispumpingastreamofbloodand

adrenalinethroughmybody.Thisisthefirsttimesomethinglikethishappenstome.Ican

seethelightnow,itstarts.Ahandtouchesme,mylab.Zip,mypantsareunzippedandthe

handisfindingitswayintomypants.Icanfeelthepulseinmycarotid,almostasifmy

throatisexploding.WhatamIdoinghere?WhatshallIdo?Well,Iguessthisisgoingtobea

“handson”experience.Somyhandismovingtowardshisprivatesection.Icanfeelthe

fabricofhisdenims.Sowarm.Ifindmywaytothezipperandzip.Iguessthisiswhatafirst

datelookslike.Thisis17-year-oldmeinamovietheaternearthetownIgrewupin.His

nameisDrakeandheisthefirstmanIamdatinginperson.Aftermyfirstcomingoutthere

hadbeennothingmoreimportantthantofindsomeonetoexploremynewclaimedsexual

identitywith. Gayromeo wastheonlinegatewayforqueermillennialsintheearly2000s.

Mycousinwouldlaternicknameit“meatmarket.”HereIam,16goingon17,watched

severalseasonofQueeras Folk andfinallyIhavetoanswerquestionslike“toporbottom,”

“positiveornegative”or“fetishes.”IcannotrememberhowIfilledoutmyprofile,butit

probablyread“underweight,bottomvirginislookingfordarkhairedtwink”(askinnymen

inhis20s).Ineverfeltgreataboutmyself,IneverthoughtIwasattractive,soevery

unansweredmessageon Gayromeo toldme“you’reugly,”“you’renotwhatwearelooking

for.”Eventually,IwasluckyandtheonlyoneyearolderDrakewouldrespondtomy

messagesandshowedinterest.Drakewenttothesamehighschoolasmycousinandeven

thoughtheydidnotknoweachotheritgavemeafeelingofsecurity.Drakealsodidnotlive

inthesametownasIdidwhichgavemesecurity,becauseIdidnotwanttobeoutedbythe

guythatwouldbemyfirstsame-sexdate.Wefinallymadeplanstogotothemovies

together,youknowtheendofthisstory.Yet,thefinalendofthestorywasthatDrakeandI

wouldsaygoodbyethatnightandthatwasthelasttimeIheardofhimorsawhim.

Earlierin 2008

CommunityService-thatwasbehispunishment.Johnputthissearchwarrantfor

Ryanonlineandallhegetsishoursofcommunityservice.Notonlywasitamild

punishment,butthecommunityservicewouldbeheldattheschool’slibrary,aplacethat

Ryanwouldvisitfrequently.Nevertheless,thatwasnotthebiggestproblemforRyan,but

thegoodoldquestionof:“HowamIgonnatellmyparents?”Ryanisonhisbikebackhome.

Hearrivesathisparents’houseandopensthedoor.“Dotheyknowalready?”heisasking

himselfwhileheistakingoffhisshoes.HismumopensthedoorandthesmellofMacand

CheeseisfindingitswayintoRyan’snose.Theyareallsittingatthetablehavinglunch;his

mom,hisdadandRyan.“WhathappenedatschooltodayRyan?”hisdadisasking.“Not

much.WehadarevisionfortheupcomingPEtestnextweek.Oh,bytheway,mayIgoto

Tami’splacetoday?Wehaveworktodo,”Ryananswerswhileheistryingtoeatasfastas

possibletoleavethetable.“Sure,justmakesureyouwillbebackbefore8sincewe…,”his

momstartsansweringwhensheisgettinginterruptedbythetelephone.“…ohhello

PrincipleWagner…yes,heishome,doyouwanttotalktohim?…what?!…yes…ohmy

god…sure,Iwilltalktohim.”Hismomhangsuponthecallandcomesbackintothekitchen.

2009

143lbps,6feettall;thatwasmeattheageof15.Ihadlostsomeweightinmyteens

becauseIdidnotfeelcomfortableinmybody,thekidsatschoolwouldmakefunofmeand

myparents’neighbor,adoctor,wouldcriticizemyborderlineobesityaswell.143lbpswas

somethingpeoplecouldlivewith.Mymomwasabitconcerned,butgenerallyokaywithit.

Theonlypersonthatwasnotokaywithitwasme.SinceDrakeleftmethatnightIstarted

questioningmyselfandmyoutwardappearance.Iamfuckingugly,I’mfat.Letmeloose

somemorepoundsandseewherethatwillgo.Irejectanyextratreatsandlimitthe

portionsmymomwouldmakeforlunchanddinner.Thehuntforfewercaloriesbeginsand

everydayIamundermycaloriegoalitisacelebration,everydayIamoveritisa

nightmare.Myparentsannoyme.Theygivemethisfaceof“What’swrongwithyou?”every

timeIwouldcomeouttheshowerandwalkbackintomyroom.Dadonedaysaid“Whatdo

youhaveonyourback,”anditwasnothingbutmyshoulder-bonestickingoutbecauseit

wascoveredbynothingbutskinandmyshirt.Superficiality,IthinkissomethingIwas

alwaysbeinghelduptobymyparentsandoursociety.Don’tlookthisway,donotwear

this,whatwilltheotherssay,tooskinny,toofat,toopale,toread-headed,toogay,too

manytattoos.Believeitornot,butitisdifficulttogrowupinacatholicsmalltownwhen

youdonothaveanythingincommonbuttheskincolor.AndthatiswhyIamleavingthis

place.Iamgoingtothecity.Iambecomingmyself.

Late Spring 2008

“Areyougay,”Ryan’smomisasking.It’sbeensomeweeksnowaftertheincidentat

theschoolandtheprincipalhastalkedtoallthepartiesinvolvedandeveryoneagreedthat

itwouldbebestiftheycouldjustmoveonandgetoverit.Ryanwasscaredtogotoschool,

buthewasevenmorescaredtotalktohisparentsabouthissexualorientation.“Noooo!

Don’tsaythatmom,”herespondedwhilehisheartwasbleedingandhewantednothing

morebutshoutingout“Yes,Yes,Yes.IamQueer.”Theconversationwasoverandwouldbe

overforquitesometime.

Mid2008

AfterRyanmetDrakehefellintoadeepdepression.Hewouldloosemoreandmore

weightandeventuallyfoundhisseconddateonline.Thedayhecamebackfromthisdate

hetalkedtohismother.“Mom,Iwasn’twithfriendstoday.Ihadadate,”hestarts.“Ryan!

Thatissodangerous.Youdon’tknowwhowouldreallyshowup,”sheanswers.“Mom,Iam

datingaman,”Ryan’svoicedies.“Wow.Aman?SoyouAREgay?”Shebegins.“Mhh,”Ryan

can’treallyanswerthequestionashefeelsshame,fornoreason.“That’sallright.Justbe

carefulwhenyoudateandalwaysmakesuretouseacondom,”shestarts.“Moooom,”Ryan

saysannoyed.“I’mdeadserious,sweetie.Myco-workerandgoodfriendisHiVpositive.I

justwantyoutobecareful,”shesays.

MyseconddatewouldturnouttobeadeadseriousrelationshipandIwouldbe

happy.Yet,Iamtrappedinthisvoidofsuperficialityandthedesiretobeskinny.Ihavelost

alotofweightnowanditkeepsgoingdown.EventhoughIdonotwanttoloosemore

weight,Ican’thelpbuttonoteatenough.BythetimeIam20myweightis104lbps.Ilook

intothemirrorandIamdisgustedbymyself.Icanseemyribcage.Iamtakingpicturesof

myselfshirtless,inhalingtopushmybonesoutasmuchaspossibleandIamscreaming.It

hurts,Iamcold,thisisridiculous.AndthenIgetintothehospitalandthatchangesmylife

forever…

PROLOGUE

Theeventsofthispiecearebasedonatruestory,mystory.Iamanauthorandjournalist.I

grewupinGermanyandmovedtoAmericain2017whereIfoundtheloveofmylifeand

mynowhusband.Thenamesinthestoryhavebeenchangedtosecuretheprivacyofthe

people,thefactsremainfacts.Iamplanningonexpandingthispiecetoempowerothers

withasimilarstory.Itisimportantformethatpeoplestrugglingwithaddiction,

psychologicaldisordersordisabilityknowthattheyarenotaloneandthatitisnotashame

totalkaboutthestrugglesandseekhelp.