& Friends Who Stray Friends Who Stay

By Meredith Mitstifer, Psy. D Licensed Clinical Psychologist Ovarian Cancer Survivor & Advocate

Cancer has a way of causing significant disruptions in your life, including friendships. Don’t get me wrong, some friends truly rally and offer amazing support. And while you didn’t want a cancer membership, you might also make wonderful new friends in the “club” during your treatment. But what about those that fall into the phenomenon known as “cancer ghosting,” according to Sarah Graham (Refinery29.com)? Ghosting has been defined by the practice of ending a relationship with someone suddenly and typically without explanation. This response can be normalized by research carried out by War on Cancer, a social networking app for cancer patients which reports 65% of respondents said friends or relatives disappeared or decreased/cut contact after their cancer diagnosis. While not uncommon, this reaction can be hurtful, confusing, and another “side effect” that a survivor may endure.

Acceptance in the psychology world involves acknowledging and embracing the full range of your thoughts, feelings, and emotions, rather than trying to avoid, deny or alter them. As cancer survivors, we are forced into “accepting” so many changes, and unfortunately friendships are not exempt. Having cancer will most likely change your friendships. Some changes may surprise you while you bear witness to an overwhelming outpouring of kindness, compassion, and grace. You may become closer to some friends, especially those that can relate, while other friendships may dissolve no matter what you do. Some friendships are not over, but they may just be different. It goes without saying that cancer and COVID have also limited our abilities to connect, depending on our responses to treatment.

Friendships are important.

Research has indicated that people with cancer need support from friends. Specifically, studies have found that cancer survivors with strong emotional ties to friends tend to adjust to a cancer diagnosis better, have a more positive outlook and often report a better quality of life. The literature also suggests that meeting other cancer friends can make the world of difference. Survivors commonly report that you can “say anything” to other friends with cancer. Cancer friendships seem to offer radical acceptance, where one is understood even if little is spoken.

Cancer can be a thief.

It can rob you of your health, time, hair, plans, etc. Abandonment of friends can cut just as deep. However, like cancer, we are only in control of so many things. It sucks. I’m sorry but there are no better words. Even if we cannot control those that stray, it may help to understand why they run away. There are common reasons why friends may abandon you during cancer treatment.

Fear. Fear can lead friends “astray.” Some can’t confront their own fears, and seeing their friend with cancer may be one of them. Perhaps you have been their strength and it’s difficult for them to see you sick or weak. They may not understand everything that is happening and are too fearful to ask. Some even relate cancer to death. As an already death denying America, too much grey may lead them to stray.

Awkwardness. Cancer can present a situation where friends do not know how to respond or act. People that have never experienced a tragedy may not know what to do or say, or even fear saying the wrong thing, so leaving you alone may be their solution. This may result in a friendship that strays.

Helplessness. No one likes to feel helpless and watching a friend battle cancer offers little way around this. Some friends may be fixers and cancer is not something that can be “fixed” by them. When friends feel like they can’t offer “a way,” they just might stray.

Friendships that stray can be painful. Recognizing that a friend’s reaction is not in your control goes back to the theory of acceptance. Acknowledge and embrace your full range of thoughts, feelings and emotions, rather than trying to avoid, deny or alter them. And one last note, it’s just as important to recognize friendships that simply need to be “unfriended.” If you are feeling drained, and/ or exhausted or sense a lack of reciprocity or boundaries with a friend, it may be time to stray yourself. Treatment is toxic enough. Breaks are allowed. Take care of you.