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Food for Thought

Food Frog and the

MIRIAM WOLK

I

t was just yesterday that I first had the idea. A full-blown, serious study of what the Torah has to say on the subject of food. I realized it was a daunting project, involving years of work, if anything worthy was even to come out of it. Then she called me today. Would I write about it? The finished piece should be in her hands within three days.

The most reasonable place to start seemed to be with Adam and Chava. In the first three chapters of Bereishis alone, the matter of food and eating comes up seventeen times. I stopped counting after that. I came to Rivka preparing a meal from the flock for Yaakov to take to his father. Yael gives milk instead of water. Avigail courageously rushes bread, wine, meat, roasted grain and dried fruit to King David and his men in their time of need. There are Achashverosh’s feasts, and Esther’s to follow. All these references to eating are part of a seemingly insurmountable mountain of so many more in the Tanach. And there’s Manna and Matza. Kashrus.

Trumah and Maaser. Korbonos. Brochos. How long would such a search, if I try to digest it all properly, take me?

Alright, so obviously such a study is not the task Hashem is asking of me right now. But what can I do since I still smell something delicious here? I do not want to give up the research on my favorite topic!

Being the caretakers of our forts, we spend a lot of our time thinking about, buying, preparing and cleaning up after food. And we do it with love. We are extremely involved inwardly, deeply concerned with how to care for our families with this tool in hand.

And obviously the Torah does have a lot to say on the matter, promising great fruitfulness if investigated. The Torah gives such importance to food due to its exalted function: it is used by Hashem to somehow hold the body and soul together, a miracle of maybe unparalleled wonder, allowing us to function and to fulfill our exalted purposes here in this world!

As women, we need the nourishment of truth, much as we do

10

A frog came up and tried to calm [King David’s] spirit...

Apparently giving our lives where it is bitter for us is exactly what is needed to complete us.

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food, as we go through our day. The more true content we can place upon our hearts, the finer and stronger we can build our homes. So, exhausted at night, one nibbles a bit of Navi and shares it with a friend the next day on the phone. Another hears a great vort at a shiur and gives it over in the market at the check-out line.

We need this. In fact we are desperate for it. Our deep wellspring that overflows in the goodness of giving is somehow fed by the comfort and deep reassurances we receive when one passes on a piece of truth to the next. It’s an amazing thing; to have confusion dissipated, to be able to clarify something that’s been fuzzy, to see how things fit together in the eternal picture. It’s a big joy. And joy, like food, gives strength to go on. But it’s not always easy.

A parable from Chazal prefaces my copy of Perek Shirah. It describes there how, when King David finished the Book of Psalms, he became disturbed, realizing that there was an animal that sang more songs to the Creator than he did. At that time a frog came up and tried to calm his spirit. It was true that the frog could sing more songs than King David, and that on each song three thousand parables could be understood. But the frog wanted King David to know about a bigger mitzvah that he was busy with. It was this: there’s a certain creature found on the beach that can only find its food in the sea. So when this creature is hungry, it grabs the frog and eats it. This fulfills what is written, “When your enemy is hungry, feed him bread, and if thirsty, give him water to drink, and in doing so you will heap burning coals on his head, and Hashem will repay you.” The text then plays on the words for “will repay you” and tells us to read instead, “will complete you.” Apparently giving our lives where it is bitter for us is exactly what is needed to complete us.

Rav David Hazan explains in his commentary that we’re to learn from this that we’re called on to do Hashem’s will even when it is against our own nature; even when it’s hard. We all know that unspeakable sweetness of closeness to Hashem we sometimes experience while reading Psalms. But with mesirus nefesh, going against our nature to do the will of our Creator, while sometimes seeming to be eaten alive by sorrows, one can reach a level yet more beloved by Hashem. This is what the frog wanted King David to know. Learn to be the food yourself.

And so it is with us. The enormous challenges we face every day will be met with Hashem’s gorgeous comfort and beauty.

And in direct proportion to the pain we experienced, will be our pleasure. Yet, in the meantime, it’s a matter of another spoon, another smile.

A woman I know loves to teach about the mitzvah of taking the challah portion from the dough. She understands that all the universes change as we knead our care into our families’ bread.

We save lives (specifically, our own) as we say the brocha. No matter what she tells me, it’s all abstract until I put my hands in the dough and pull out that small portion. Suddenly I have all the eternal magnificent Truth, way past my understanding, present in this simple act of just making food.

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THE FUN STARTS NOW!

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Story

Proclaiming in Words

AND IN SILENCE T

he second we turned into Biashara Street a young beggar, who had appointed himself as a “parking boy,” found us an available spot for our car. Then he put out his hand so that my husband could pay him for his unsolicited help.

“I’m not paying for something I didn’t ask for,” my husband, Yechiel, said.

I smiled. We had been married for only a few months and it was the first time that Yechiel and I were visiting my parents in Nairobi, Kenya. I was excited to be sharing the memories of my childhood home with him.

Earlier that morning, I had decided that it was the perfect day to go shopping for fabric in the city center. Now, as we stepped out of the car, I suggested, “You had better pay if you want to find the headlights and side mirrors still attached to the car when we return.” Then, watching Yechiel trying to figure out which coins to use in the parking meter, I added, “Don’t put any money in the meter; give it to the parking boy and he will fill the meter if the police come by. If they don’t appear, he can keep it.”

22

“And who pays the fine if ‘parking boy’ is busy putting money in a different meter when the cop gets to our car? No thanks.”

Yechiel fed our meter. He glanced at the boy’s tattered shorts and then his shoes, noticing the fraying string that was wound round the soles and over the bridge of his feet to keep his shoes on his feet. Yechiel dropped another few shillings onto the palm of the boy’s still-open hand.

“Chunga mzuri – watch it well,” I said to the boy, as we crossed the street.

“What did you tell him?” Yechiel asked.

“I told him to watch the car.”

It was Yechiel’s turn to smile.

We headed for the same store that I walked into years ago when I went searching for fabric for a shirt I was making in a course in school. I never did finish that shirt, and my sewing prowess never really moved beyond sewing on a button.

But now, at the cusp of a new beginning, I was ready to combat this deficiency in my homemaking skills. Like every new bride, I was thrilled to be setting up my own home and I wanted our apartment to boast my personal touch. We had already bought a

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few woven baskets and now the next project on my list was the sewing of two bags to hold the Shabbos toilet paper.

“What colors should we choose for the bags?” I asked Yechiel, a little bewildered by the panoply of fabric.

“Whatever you like,” he replied.

“Well, what colors do you like?” I was so eager to please that I decided to curb my personal preferences and chose solely according to his taste.

Luckily, Yechiel sensed that I expected a little more enthusiasm in this house decorating venture, and since he was also eager to please, he rallied some of the advice he had been given in his chassan classes. “I think blue will match the grey tiles in the big bathroom and orange will match the

“You’d better pay if you want to find the headlights still attached when we return” MAGAZINE

RHONA LEWIS

same grey tiles that we have in the small bathroom,” he offered.

I swallowed and nodded my agreement. Orange is such a cheerful color, I told myself.

Never one to procrastinate, I quickly spotted a navy-blue bolt of fabric. Then I found a soft peach that could pass for orange. “We’ll take these,” I said to the shop manager, who had appeared at our side.

“And how much does madam want?”

I hadn’t though of that. I turned to Yechiel. He shrugged.

“I’m not sure,” I said to the manager.

“That’s okay,” said the manager. “Plenty of people don’t know their exact measurements. Would you like to be measured?”

“Not at all,” I answered.

“We’re really looking to make something about this big,” Yechiel held out his hands to the size of an open notebook.

“I think it needs to be a bit bigger,” I said.

“Why?” “Because that size is too small.”

“Why?” “Because it just is,” I replied, reluctant to tell Yechiel, in front of the manager, that I wanted to make a bag big enough to hold sufficient paper for two weeks. I was planning to cut up paper on a bi-weekly basis.

“Perhaps I can help you decide,” the manager offered. “What exactly are you making?”

I wasn’t going to be the one to tell him.

“Um,” I said.

“Ah,” Yechiel added.

“Yes?” the manager prompted, prepared to invest a little more time to make a sale.

“Um,” I repeated.

“Ah,” Yechiel added.

The manager looked at Yechiel’s kippah and tzitzis; the former rarely seen in Nairobi, the latter, almost never. Now the manager was curious and not just interested in his sale. “I understand. It’s something religious. I am a practicing Hindu and we also have religious customs.”

MAGAZINE

“She couldn’t believe that there are parents who actually teach their children not to hurt one another’s feelings…”

But I bet you don’t use pre-cut toilet paper once a week, I thought. “How interesting,” was all I said.

“We are making sort-of pillowcases,” Yechiel said.

“Yes, sort-of bags,” I clarified.

“So what size will these sort-of pillowcase bags be?” the manager asked.

“This big,” Yechiel held his hands out to double the size he had suggested before.

A bag that size will hold enough paper for a family of ten for four weeks, I thought, but kept quiet. I could always make the bags smaller.

The manager explained that we needed double the amount of fabric because a pillowcase bag would surely have two sides.

I was impressed at how quickly he had caught on.

We had already paid and were about to walk out of the store, but the manager had something more to say: “It is good to keep religious customs,” he smiled, and then

turned back to his bolts of cloth.

Nearly ten years after that trip, Yechiel and I had a chance to make a second kiddush Hashem in Africa. This time it wasn’t in Kenya, but in South Africa. And this time we were accompanied by our five small children. We had traveled to Cape Town to visit Yechiel’s parents.

One cloudy day towards the end of our trip, we took the children to the famous Victoria and Alfred Waterfront. Situated between Robben Island and Table Mountain, this former harbor area has been transformed into a massive complex of shopping malls, a craft market named The Red Shed, and other innumerable attractions. We wandered through the stalls in The Red Shed looking for the perfect parting gift to give my in-laws. Then my husband saw it: a photography stall run by a jaunty Boer lady. We could take a picture

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“Why are they singing about a broom?” of the children and make it into a key-ring, a place mat, or even a calendar. The photographer, with a wide smile, introduced herself as Anne. She sat the children down on a low wooden bench. Five failed photographs later, her smile had narrowed a little, but her patience still held strong.

“I have just the thing to keep them still,” I said, and pulled out four toffees from my bag. The next photo was the worst of all. All the children had puffy cheeks and contorted jaws from trying to simultaneously smile and chew a toffee; the baby’s face looked squashed from Elisheva trying to keep her positioned.

“Maybe you’d like to do a calendar instead of a place mat,” Anne said brightly.

“You could put a photo of a different child on each month.”

My husband shook his head; it was beyond our budget. I shook my head; we didn’t have twelve children.

By now my five children had lost their patience. One of the bigger girls whispered to her younger sister, whose eyes filled with tears. The offended child edged towards me and gulped out, “She said that the photo isn’t turning out because I’m so ugly.”

I glared at the offender. “You hurt you sister’s feelings. You mustn’t do that. Say sorry and don’t speak like that again,” I told her. Somehow, eventually, we got a beautiful shot and had it laminated to make a placemat.

24

One day when we were back in Eretz Yisrael, my mother-in-law called. After getting an update on the children, she said, “Yesterday I went into The Red Shed and looked for the photography stall. I asked the owner if she remembered a family with five children coming in and she immediately recalled you. I guess she doesn’t meet such large families that often,” my motherin-law paused dramatically.

I wondered what was coming next.

“Well, you made a good impression on her. She told me she couldn’t believe that there are parents today who actually teach their children not to hurt each other’s feelings.”

A few more years down the line found me dipping my feet in one of the pools along Nachal Gilboa in the Golan. I was sitting on a rock with my two-year-old balanced on my lap. He dipped his toes into the cool water and kicked around a little. Two other older children were perched next to me.

The others had wandered further down the trail with my husband. All of my attention was focused on splashing the children with the cool water, while ensuring that they didn’t slip into the pool. Suddenly, I was distracted: I began listening attentively to a group of young boys, men almost, who were singing a strange sounding song with much gusto. It sounded like “Habariani.

Zuri sana. Kuna matateh.” They repeated this refrain without variation and stopped only to crack another sunflower seed, and another, before spitting the shell onto the ever-growing pile at their feet.

My eldest daughter understood only the word “matateh,” which means ‘‘broom”

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in Hebrew. She looked at me, puzzled.

“Why are they singing about a broom?” she asked.

“I doubt that the boys are promising to sweep up their sunflower seeds,” I replied.

Then I let myself feel the wave of nostalgia.

How many times in my childhood in Kenya had my friends and I sung that Swahili refrain with gusto? “Habari gain? Mzuri sana.

Hakuna matata – How are you? Very well.

No problems.” The rhythm sent me whirling back in time.

“They’re singing it wrong,” I explained to the two older children, telling them the correct version.

“Tell them, Ima. Tell them,” both children called out excitedly, never for a moment doubting my wisdom. I just shook my head and smiled.

The young men kept singing.

“Tell them Ima. Tell them,” the children urged again.

And again I just shook my head and smiled. But it wasn’t enough for my children. They wanted an explanation for my reluctance to speak to those young men. I was still formulating a reply when my eldest daughter piped up, “It’s not tzanua.

It’s not modest for Ima to speak to boys.”

Now that the other children had received a satisfactory answer, they continued splashing in silence. I smiled at my perceptive daughter.

These three incidents, in two different corners of the African continent and later in Eretz Yisrael, taught me that where ever we find ourselves, Jews are always faced with the task of proclaiming Hashem’s Name in the world. Sometimes we achieve this by being a part of the world, and at others, by remaining apart.

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Story

THIS IS WHAT

HASHEM WANTS FOR ME NOW M

IRIAM IS ONE OF THE most confident, empathetic, and kind people I know. Her children are happy and well-adjusted. She runs a successful business from her home, is active in her community’s chessed organization, and is invariably the first one to bring a kugel to a sick neighbor.

She is also the survivor of an abusive marriage.

Miriam: When I returned home after attending one of the best seminaries in Eretz Yisrael, everyone expected that I would find a top-notch shidduch. I came from a fine home that emphasized Torah learning, and my teachers thought very highly of me. Everyone, myself included, assumed that I would marry the shpitz of the yeshivah and live happily ever after.

I got engaged to the – and I mean the – top boy from a large, prominent yeshivah.

It seemed a perfect match and I felt myself to be the luckiest girl in the world. The period of my engagement, the chasunah, and the sheva brachos were like a dream.

My chassan and I spent hours talking together as we learned more about each other and shared our deepest feelings and aspirations.

The only warning sign prior to the chasunah that something might not be picture-perfect appeared after we were already engaged. I discovered that my chassan’s mother had psychological problems. After making discreet inquiries, we found out that she had been diagnosed with OCD and that occasionally she

28

found it impossible to function. What we were not told is that apart from that, she was also extremely abusive, and that the entire family showed signs of dysfunction.

Obviously this information was only known to those very close to the family, since the image they managed to present to the wider world was still one of a harmonious unit.

The first signs of abuse appeared about three weeks after our wedding, although I didn’t recognize them for what they were. How could I, without any frame of reference? I’d never come across such a person before, and I didn’t know how to compute what was going on.

My husband could be incredibly loving and kind, just as during the first few weeks after the chasunah, but then suddenly, without warning, he would hit me and tell me that I was ugly. Things escalated

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My husband succeeded in convincing me that I was worthless. I felt that I had less value than a piece of dirt MAGAZINE

AS TOLD TO DEBBIE SHAPIRO

pretty quickly after that – within just a few months, it had already got to the point that when he was home, I was afraid to wash the dishes, since I wouldn’t know if he was about to attack me from behind.

When we were in public, he still made a fabulous impression. He is a very intelligent, charismatic man, and a phenomenal learner. Everyone took it for granted that he was also a wonderful husband. After all, outwardly he looked like a real tzaddik. No one could have dreamed that he spent most of his day sleeping – they just assumed that he was learning around the clock, and occasionally collapsed from exhaustion.

I spent the first year of my marriage trying to come to terms with my disappointment. I went to work in the morning and returned home in the afternoon to find my husband still in bed, asleep. I watched as my dreams disintegrated right before my eyes, and although I tried to accept that this was what was bashert for me, it was still devastating.

That was why eventually, I went to consult with someone. Several people told me that a certain woman was an expert in shalom bayis issues. But although she genuinely meant well, she had most likely never been trained in recognizing the signs of an abusive relationship; furthermore, she lacked the empathy and perspective that might have compensated for this.

Although I didn’t feel able to tell her the full extent of what was going on, I still managed to convey that my husband criticized me a lot, shouted at me, and left me to shoulder the full burden of the home as well as parnassah. I didn’t tell her that he actually hit me. Even before going to her, I already thought that I was the one to blame for his failings, and so I guess that to admit that things had gone that far would have been too difficult for me.

She tried to convince me that if I would only do more and give more, then

MAGAZINE

my husband would change. And of course, this only enhanced my feeling that all the problems resulted from me not being the perfect wife. I began to truly believe that it was all my fault – that despite my best efforts, I had somehow turned my fine, upstanding husband into a lazy, angry, and violent person.

My husband constantly told me that I was ugly. He claimed I was a failure and that I couldn’t cope. In the face of the reality, his accusations were ludicrous; I had succeeded in building a flourishing business from scratch while running a home and raising my two children – and doing it all with almost no help. Yet my husband succeeded in convincing me that I was worthless. I felt that I had less value than a piece of dirt. Today, I can see that he was simply acting out his frustrations and his jealousy that he was the one who couldn’t manage – he envied my success, and didn’t know how to deal with his feelings. And so he would curse me for hours on end, and then physically abuse me. It was a nightmare.

The turning point came when the shalom bayis counselor told me that no matter what he did to me, I must continue to respect him. She suggested that every day, I should make a list of five things for which I respected him. But as much as I tried, I couldn’t find what to write on that list. I realized that there was nothing about him that I found worthy of respect. And this realization terrified me.

A few days later, I attended an evening sponsored by Bnos Melachim during which one of the speakers talked about how each woman must take responsibility for herself, as an aspect of tzniyus. I decided that I had to do something about the situation and I contacted a different shalom bayis counselor, whom I’ll call Rochel. Later, I learned that she had been trained in dealing with cases of abuse.

Nonetheless, at that point, I still didn’t realize that I was in an abusive relationship

She convinced me that if I would give more, my husband would change – which only enhanced my feeling that it was all my fault for not being the perfect wife – I only knew that something was very, very wrong. But Rochel picked up on it right away. Just a few minutes into our first conversation, she asked me if he ever hit me. Although he did hit me, often, I told her that he didn’t. I was still in denial and couldn’t face the painful reality that my husband behaved in such a brutal way.

Rochel spent the first six months building me up as a person. She taught me how to believe in myself, and also to realize that I should not, and could not, take

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29

responsibility for my husband’s behavior.

Although she never explicitly detailed his faults, once I gained self confidence and was happier with myself, I was able see the situation realistically – and it was bad.

I remained in my marriage for a further six months, carefully recording everything in a diary so that I would be able to look at what was going on and evaluate it from a distance. It soon became clear to me that the situation was totally insane and that I could not continue this way. The more I weighed the different options, the more I realized I had no choice. My decision to divorce was carefully thought out, not emotional, and not one I made in a moment of desperation or anger.

And since I didn’t want to make a big fight, I left him everything, while I got what I wanted – my children and my freedom.

While I was going through all this, I read the following story, which had a tremendous impact on me: A man in a European shtetl told the rav that he wanted to divorce his wife and asked him to arrange a get. When the rav asked him why, he replied, “She’s my wife, and I don’t want to speak badly about her.”

The rav told him to return in three months, and if he still wanted a divorce, the rav would arrange it for him.

Three months later, the man returned

I realized that there was nothing about him that I found worthy of respect. And this realization terrified me 30

and the rav arranged for him to give his wife a get. After everything was finalized, the rav turned to the man and said, “Now she’s not your wife any more. Please explain to me why you wanted to divorce her.”

“But now she’s another Yid,” the man answered. “What right do I have to speak badly about another Yid?” After reading this story, I made a conscious decision to emulate that man, and refrain from speaking badly about my former husband. Although I haven’t been perfect about this, I feel that I’ve really risen to the challenge. It has been extremely difficult since my ex-husband spread terrible stories about me and I had no doubt that people were talking about me behind my back. But I’m proud of the fact that today, when people ask my friends why I got divorced, most of them can honestly say that they don’t know.

Speaking of friends, they have been amazing, and they still give me so much support. A woman going through divorce needs to know that there are people there for her; people who trust her and who will give her the emotional, financial, and physical help that she so sorely needs. And baruch Hashem, I received all that. Friends invited us for Shabbos meals, took my son to shul, and even babysat occasionally so that I could have some time off and go to a shiur or just out for a walk. Their support and compassion made all the difference and gave me the emotional strength to face everything that I was going through.

As a consequence, I was able to parent my children in a much healthier manner than would have been possible otherwise.

Debbie: How did you explain the divorce to your children?

Miriam: I told my younger child that when Mommy and Daddy lived together, Mommy was very sad, and then I went on to explain that since I wanted her to have a happy Mommy, I moved away.

It was much more difficult for me to explain things to my older child. He remembers seeing my husband hitting me,

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and he heard a lot of screaming and yelling in the house. I made it very clear to him that it was for these reasons that I got a divorce – he has to know that a husband may never hit a wife, and that if he does, there are consequences, including divorce.

But I am still very careful never to say anything bad about his father, or that I got divorced for my son’s sake – I don’t want him to feel “guilty” for the divorce – even though, l’maaseh, all the professionals say that my leaving was the best thing I could have done for the children. No one can imagine how witnessing abuse damages a child. By removing my children from that situation, I gave them the gift of life, a safe home in which to grow up.

Today, in addition to raising my wonderful children and running a thriving business, I often speak to women going through ordeals similar to those I experienced. I try to show them that although divorce is certainly not ideal, it is possible to have a beautiful, fulfilling life afterwards. Yes, of course I’m lonely, and yes, I do hope to someday remarry and continue building my family, but until that happens, I am living my life to the fullest instead of grieving over what could have been. Had I been given a choice, this is certainly not what I would have chosen. It is not even close to what I davened for. But it is where Hashem wants me to be now and for that, I am very, very grateful.

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The night before the accident, Mrs. Cohen and Mrs. Goldberg met at a chasunah. The two were casual acquaintances and although they chatted warmly whenever they happened to bump into each other on line at the local kosher grocery store or at simchos, their friendship didn’t extend any further than that.

And so, when they discovered each other at the chasunah, they were happy to fill each other in on the latest in their lives. Mrs. Goldberg recounted how pleased she was that her youngest child, Chaim, was about to join her oldest son Yossi in yeshivah in Eretz Yisrael for the year. Yossi had already been learning there for four straight years and Chaim was anxious to follow in his footsteps. Mrs. Goldberg was excited at the prospect of finally having her home to herself, and she told Mrs. Cohen about the wide variety of projects she was planning, to help her get used to having an empty nest.

Mrs. Cohen, on the other hand, expressed how hard it was for her to have her daughter, Shaina, studying in Eretz Yisrael for the second year in a row, especially since she was starting shidduchim that year. She would have liked to be more involved in the shidduch process, she told her friend, but being on a separate continent made this almost impossible.

The two then chatted for a little while longer, on more superficial topics, and went on to mingle with other guests at the simchah. Neither of them could have imagined what a drastic turn the course of the lives was about to take.

The very next day, Mrs. Cohen heard the news; Mrs. Goldberg’s son Yossi had been in a terrible accident. He was working as a camp counselor in the mountains for the summer, and on that fateful morning, he had been driving eleven campers and one other counselor up north for a weeklong hiking and canoe trip, pulling five heavy canoes in tow. Just outside of a small New England town, on Interstate 95, he lost control of the vehicle and the van veered off the road, flipping over at least once as it tumbled down the sleep slope beyond the barrier.

One of the boys was killed instantly, and the other twelve

56

were seriously injured, but Yossi was in the worst condition of them all. His spine had been crushed and his neck and arm were broken. It took seven ambulances to transport all of the victims to a nearby hospital and Yossi was soon being airlifted, unconscious, to a spinal trauma center in his home town.

After undergoing intensive treatment in the emergency room there, it became clear that Yossi would likely never walk again unaided. In an instant, Mrs. Goldberg’s year alone in the house vanished, perhaps forever – but more importantly, Yossi, a budding Torah scholar, seemed to have been robbed of the bright future once predicted for him.

Mrs. Cohen didn’t know how to react at hearing such tragic news. She wasn’t close enough to the Goldbergs to be amongst their first visitors, and to phone up with words of support seemed woefully inadequate. And so, when she heard of an informal network set up to help the Goldbergs, she volunteered her services to help in any way she could.

A few weeks later, she finally got her chance to express her feelings in action, when the Goldbergs needed someone to cover for them for a Shabbos at the hospital, so that they could get some much needed rest. Together with their youngest child, the Cohens spent Shabbos with Yossi, singing zemiros, telling divrei Torah, and trying to create a joyful atmosphere to give him positive encouragement.

Although the Cohens had briefly met Yossi once before, many years back, they had never spent an extended period of time with him. And now, in such a weakened state, partially sedated from strong painkilling medication, how much could he benefit from their company? Yet he did seem to be enjoying their presence, and a few weeks later, he requested that the Cohens visit him again.

On the previous visit, his physical state had seemed far gloomier. Then, Yossi had just been officially declared a quadriplegic, with only a limited ability to move his fingers and arms. His prospects for recovery were extremely low, with the healing process being predicted to take up to two years to complete.

But this time, he seemed to be doing much better physi-

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cally, and his spirits too were much higher. He was already expressing his desire to resume learning in any way possible, and when she saw that he still had difficulty in turning pages, Mrs. Cohen recalled a technique she had once learned, which helped a person to access memories from the recesses of his mind. If Yossi couldn’t learn directly from sefarim, he could at least immerse himself in reviewing the many masechtas that were already stored in the depths of his memory.

And so Mrs. Cohen set out to teach Yossi the technique, and the more they learned together, the more Mrs. Cohen was impressed with Yossi’s depth of character, quickness of mind, and strength of spirit. He was determined to overcome his physical limitations and committed to making sure that this period in his life would become another steppingstone in his spiritual growth.

Meanwhile, the Cohens’ daughter, Shaina, had started shidduchim in Eretz Yisrael. After going out with five different guys, she was ready to call it quits. She was looking for someone who shared her passion for ruchniyus – and was beginning to despair of finding that someone, who was committed to Yiddishkeit and personal growth from the inside out, not the outside in. “Ima,” she told her mother over the phone one day, “I give up! You find me the right guy!”

Eventually, Yossi was discharged from hospital, and began an outpatient rehab program. One of his friends was about to get married, and he wanted to give Yossi one of the sheva brachos under the chuppah. Watching her son intone the words, Mrs. Goldberg sobbed quietly, wondering if Yossi would ever merit to stand under his own chuppah.

Mrs. Cohen also happened to be present at the chasunah, and she keenly felt her friend’s pain. And then, suddenly, a nagging thought began to creep into her mind: Yossi was exactly the type of person her Shaina was seeking! He was deeply spiritual, genuine, and committed, despite adversity.

“I had found the right guy for my daughter,” she later related, “but he was a quadriplegic…” Nonetheless, she couldn’t shake the thought away – and the more she pondered it, the more she became convinced that this was Shaina’s zivug.

“He’s such a wonderful person – why should I care that he has a disability?” she kept telling herself.

Eventually, she tentatively broached the idea with her daughter – and to her surprise, Shaina didn’t automatically dismiss the suggestion. She trusted her mother implicitly, and if she said that she had found someone to whom she would be able to relate on a spiritual level, then she was definitely open to hearing more. But Mrs. Cohen proceeded with MAGAZINE

caution – she told Shaina to take a few days to think it over on her own. After davening all night at Kever Rachel and all day at the Kosel, Shaina called her mother back. “I’m still interested,” she said.

The next step was to approach Mrs. Goldberg, telling her that she had a shidduch idea for her son. “A shidduch?” Mrs. Goldberg responded in astonishment, amazed that anyone would consider dating her son in his present condition. “He’s just barely out of the hospital – who’s thinking about shidduchim?” Nonetheless, she agreed to meet Mrs. Cohen at a local coffee shop to discuss it.

“There’s a girl I know who is absolutely perfect for Yossi,” Mrs. Cohen began, as they sipped their drinks. “She’s sweet and innocent and a tzanua.”

Mrs. Goldberg listened only halfheartedly, a skeptical expression on her face. What kind of problem case was she about to hear about?

But Mrs. Cohen was undaunted. “She has a strong sense of adventure and she’s very spiritual,” Mrs. Cohen continued, “just like Yossi!” Mrs. Goldberg began to pay closer attention, despite her misgivings. “Most importantly,” Mrs. Cohen pressed on, now trembling slightly, “she doesn’t care about how a person looks on the outside – she can see beyond the external body of a person to their eternal inner soul. Yossi may come in a broken package, but his inner essence shines.” By now both women had tears in their eyes that began to spill onto their cheeks. “And the best thing of all,” Mrs. Cohen concluded, “is that . . . it’s my daughter!” Mrs. Goldberg burst into tears.

When he heard of the suggestion, Yossi found it hard to believe that a good, normal Bais Yaakov girl was interested in meeting him. He spoke to his Rebbe in Eretz Yisrael, who asked to meet Shaina himself to make sure she was serious and understood what she was getting into. After meeting her, he declared, “It’s a perfect match!” The first date was arranged for when Shaina came home for Pesach. The two instantly hit it off. “We felt so comfortable together,” Shaina related. The next few dates soon followed suit. By the end of the fourth date, both of them felt certain that they had found their soul mate.

“You understand that this will mean that your life won’t be easy,” Mrs. Cohen cautioned her daughter one last time, just to make sure. “He won’t be able to take out the garbage or do the dishes, it will be hard for him to play ball with your kids, and you’ll have to take care of him your whole life.”

“I know, Ima,” Shaina replied. “I’m prepared for that.”

“And you understand that you won’t have an ordinary life.”

“That’s okay, Ima,” Shaina smiled. “We won’t have an ordinary life. . . we’ll have an extraordinary life!”

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Hot & Healthy

Barbecue GItta BIxEnSpannEr

S

ummer is upon us, the weather has been very hot. For many families enjoying the country or travelling to various vacation spots summer is synonymous with BBQs. When the weather is warm, it is preferable to spend more time outdoors and try to keep the kitchen cool. Clean up is also easier.

Expecting visitors? What can be more delightful than serving an easy barbequed meal?

For many BBQ equals steaks, frankfurters and burgers, I would like to suggest some healthier ideas that can be just as enjoyable.

Cook up a storm with this array of suggestions that are easy to prepare especially when guest come for the traditional Sunday BBQ, or anytime!

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Vegetable Kebabs Kebabs are a very popular way of serving your favorite veggies. the beauty with kebabs is that your imagination is the limit most vegetables, and some fruits too, are delicious combined with tofu, poultry, meat or fish. try cherry tomatoes, portobello or smaller mushrooms, pearl onions, peppers, summer squash or eggplant (cut into ¼ inch cubes), pineapple chunks, apple slices... any other favorite is worth experimenting with!

Simply insert your chosen combination onto skewers, brush with a little olive oil, or find a reduced calorie marinade, and grill over the BBQ. the best part about grilling vegetables is that you don’t have to worry about overcooking them as you do with some types of meat. Vegetables seem to taste better grilled than they do cooked any other way.

Marinating vegetables will help them caramelize better when they’re grilled, and caramelization brings out the best flavor. Just submerge the vegetables in marinade for about an hour before putting them on the grill.

If you don’t have that kind of prep time, just coat the vegetables ever so lightly with a little olive oil or canola oil and some soy or teriyaki sauce.

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Steak — the all time favorite the best steaks are those that marinated for a few hours before hitting the grill. a good idea is to marinate your steaks in the morning and refrigerate. When you return from your outing, the steaks will be ready to go.

Best BBQ sauce Making your own BBQ sauce is quite simple and gives you an opportunity to choose your favorite ingredients. a perfect steak needs to be started way before the meat goes the grill. the sauce is the secret to a good steak.

Mix all ingredients thoroughly and pour over meat, chicken or vegetables in a plastic bag. put your 4 steaks into the bag and make sure all meat is well coated. refrigerate the meat in the marinade for at least 1 hour prior to broiling.

½ cup light soy sauce ½ cup honey 2 cloves garlic crushed Salt & pepper to taste

Make sure your grill is very hot and coals have a white color so that the meat does not burn. Slower cooking will render the meat healthier. Serve it medium rare rather than well done.

Serves 4 preparation time: 10 minutes + marinating time

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Some tips to help you attain a healthier BBQ:

1

HaVe larGe reSealaBle PlaSTiC BaG for MarinaTinG! One of the easiest ways to marinate and enhance the taste of anything you want on the grill including vegetables is to place them inside a large, resalable plastic bag. Set the bag in a medium sized bowl, and shake until all the food is coated. Seal the bag, eliminating any excess air. the marinade should surround the food.

Keep marinated vegetables in the refrigerator until you’re ready to grill.

2

a liTTle SweeTneSS iS GooD, BuT More iS neVer BeTTer. adding a small amount of a sweet ingredient (like fruit juice, brown sugar, honey or molasses) to the marinade or grilling sauce can be a good thing. It adds flavor and helps to balance other bold spices in the marinade or sauce. too much sweetness can encourage the meat, fish, or vegetables to burn when they’re grilled over high heat.

Grilled Tri-Colored Pepper & Mushroom Salad 1 each: green, red and yellow bell pepper 4 Portobello mushroom caps (1/2 lb. /225 g) 1/2 cup Balsamic Vinaigrette Dressing, divided Heat barbecue to medium heat. Cut tops off peppers; remove and discard seeds. Cut peppers into quarters; place in resealable plastic bag. add mushrooms and 1/4 cup dressing. Seal bag; turn over and evenly coat vegetables with dressing. Remove vegetables from bag; save bag and dressing for other marinades. For added flavor, refrigerate bag of vegetables with dressing for 1 hour to marinate before grilling as directed.

Grill vegetables 8 to 10 min. or until crisptender, turning occasionally.

Serve over a bed of checked lettuce.

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3

Be SenSiBle aBouT SerVinGS. Encourage eating smaller servings by grilling the meat in smaller portions. It can be quite tempting to eat a 16 oz steak or a ½ chicken. Cut your food into smaller pieces to avoid overdoing it.

4

JuST Say no To ProCeSSeD MeaT. Processed meats are the worst offenders on our diet. they are known to be laden with salt and chemicals that do not enhance our well-being. Make healthier choices and skip the processed meats.

5

MiniMize CanCer riSKS wHen BarBeQuinG. research shows that high temperature charcoal grilling of foods that contain fat and protein, including barbecue favorites like hamburgers, hot dogs and chicken, can lead to the production of cancer-causing chemicals.

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Sweet BBQ Chicken Kabobs Many guests appreciate sweet food, even when savoring meat. Here is a recipe that features chicken and pineapple for those that like their main dish sweet.

With this recipe, you can pretend you are in Hawaii.

1 lb. (450 g) boneless skinless chicken breasts cut into 1-1/2-inch pieces 2 cups fresh pineapple chunks (1-1/2 inch) =1/2 fresh pineapple 1 each: red and green pepper, cut into 1-1/2-inch chunks 1/2 cup BBQ Sauce or make your own (recipe will follow) 5 Tbsp. orange juice

Mix barbecue sauce homemade or bought, with orange juice; marinate in a plastic bag for a couple hours, if short on time just brush lightly onto kabobs.

Grill 8 to 10 min. or until chicken is done, turning and brushing occasionally with remaining sauce mixture. prep time: 15 min total time: 25 min Serves 4, 1 kabob (225 g) each

Heat barbecue to medium-high heat. Using 8 long wooden skewers that were soaked in water (placing 2, side-byside, for each kabob); thread chicken alternately onto skewers with pineapple and peppers to make 4 kabobs.

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Grilled Corn on the Cob Corn on the cob complements any BBQ party.

Served on corn handles make them a treat.

Even though corn was not used for a while because of possible bug infestation, now the US variety has been deemed permissible.

Grill 15 to 20 min. or until corn is tender, turning occasionally. Remove from barbecue; unwrap corn.

Enjoy them plain sprinkled with a dash of salt.

8 ears corn on the cob in husks 1/4 cup Mayonnaise 1 tsp chopped fresh parsley Preheat barbecue to medium-high heat. Husk corn; remove silk. Check for bug infestation immediately upon removing the husks. any thrip will run for cover in between the corns. Rinse corn under cold water; shake off excess water. Wrap corn individually in foil.

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refreshing Ginger lemonade On a hot summer day, nothing like a cool drink to round out your festive BBQ! adding some spice will make it more exciting for adults and children alike.

1 cup lemon juice one 2 liter bottle of cold ginger ale ½ cup maple syrup or to taste Slices of fresh lemon for garnish

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Mix 1st 3 ingredients well. pour into an elegant pitcher and garnish with lemon slices.

Feel free to experiment with your favorite drinks. preparation time 5 minutes Serves 6

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Cool watermelon Basket What better way to finish a bbq than with delicious fruit salad that with fruits that are now in season and begging to be consumed. Surprise your guests by preparing for them a beautiful dessert. the watermelon basket can be prepared a day in advance. Cut each fruit into a separate container and cover tightly then prepare the watermelon and keep it refrigerated until ready to use.

Just before serving, mix all fruits and insert into the basket.

1 oblong-shaped watermelon Honeydew Cantaloupes Blueberries

Carefully remove sections, pulling out large chunks of flesh. Cut them into 3� x 3� squares.

Use a paring knife, if necessary, for the handle.

Scoop out each kind of fruit with a melon baller and decorate handle, using half toothpicks.

Use an ice cream scoop to remove flesh from inside of basket, and cut scoops into quarters mixing liberally with the other fruits. replace fruits in the basket. Serve in small dessert plates. preparation 30 minutes Serves 12 Wishing all our readers a healthy and relaxing summer!

Using an oblong watermelon, slice 1/4″ off the bottom, lengthwise, to provide stable base.

Use a pencil to draw lines for handle placement and basket opening.

Cut the handle first, wide enough to hold; then make zigzag cuts with a paring knife, all the way through the rind. Be careful not to cut through the handle base on either side.

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