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The 6 Most Powerful Things You Can Say to Raise Confident Kids Print these statements and repeat them often!

by Adina Soclof

1. “I love you!”

that part of themselves.

There is nothing more important to a child than knowing that his parents love and cherish him. Say this loud and often.

4. “You should be proud of yourself!”

2. “Having a child is the best thing in the world.”

We often tell our kids how proud we are of them. That’s good but we also need to ensure that they are feeling a sense of inner

3. “I know you will make good decisions” or “You know what is right for you.”

We often tell our kids how proud we are of them. That’s good but we also need to ensure that they are feeling a sense of inner pride.

Making good decisions is an integral part of being a grown up. We need to have the confidence to look within ourselves and trust our gut to make those decisions. So often we don’t believe our children can make good choices. But we need to let them know that they have it within themselves to do so. We want them to listen and trust their own intuition. The above phrase gives them the boost they need to access

pride. This way they learn to self-evaluate and assess themselves and their accomplishments instead of relying on others.

It also strengthens their self-image by encouraging them to internalize what they observe about their own achievements. They learn that they have all the ingredients they need to succeed within themselves. It might seem like an incon-

This lets kids know how important they are to you. Adults who grew up in difficult homes often tell me that they felt like such a burden to their parents. As a result, they were scared to have children themselves, and when they did they could not believe how amazing (tough but amazing) being a parent actually is.

Let your kids know that having children is one of the best things that can happen to you. Help them feel confident that they add value to your life.

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sequential change, but it packs a powerful, confidence-inducing punch.

5. “I know you didn’t mean too…”(leave your bike out in the rain, forget to clean your room, drop my phone…)

It is always good to soften the blow when you have to correct or admonish your kids.

And it’s true; no one really sets out to do the wrong thing. This phrase separates your child from his behavior. It lets your child know that you have confidence in them and their innate goodness, building their confidence in the process.

6. “When you are ready…”

We often disregard our children’s fears and hesitancy, “There is nothing to be afraid of! The water in the swimming pool won’t bite you.” “Riding a bike is easy. There’s nothing to it!” This just makes kids dig their heels in and can create power struggles. It sounds counterintuitive but to instill confidence in our kids we need to show respect for our children’s fears. We then want to let them know that eventually they will be ready to try new things.

(Trying new things is an important life skills and integral to maintaining a vibrant life.) We can say, “When you are ready and you get comfortable, you will get into the water.” “When you are ready you will learn to ride your new bike!”

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Coming to Grips with My Anxiety Disorder

by Esti

Suffering from panic attacks and depression, I felt like I was turning into a monster. What was happening to me?

I suffer from an anxiety disorder which includes bouts of clinical depression. Although this illness is usually hushed up and kept secret, one in ten people suffer right along with me, each in their self-imposed silence.

I share my story with the hope of educating others to understand the dynamics of emotional illness and what it’s like to be caught in its tight grip. Perhaps as a result of my words greater sensitivity and compassion will prevail and others will react to a sufferer’s pain accordingly.

I was a typical child and teen.

I had many friends and was successful both academically and socially. When I reached my early 20s, without any warning whatsoever, I began to experience debilitating panic attacks.

How can I explain a panic 20

attack to someone who has never experienced one? Think of the fear you’d feel if a criminal would be holding you and your loved ones at gunpoint, slowly pulling the trigger before your disbelieving eyes. Imagine the frantic thoughts of danger and despair that would quickly overwhelm you, the frenetic pounding of your racing heart, and the ragged gasps of air as you tried to breathe through lungs that seemed to have stopped working properly. Imagine your clammy skin dripping with cold sweat, your stomach muscles convulsing in painful spasms, your entire body shaking as if with a mind of its own. Imagine the pain, the fear, and the helplessness of it all.

For those suffering from anxiety disorder, this is the panic they can feel out of the blue as

they wait on line in the grocery to buy a loaf of bread. My world turned upside down when, as a carefree 21-year-old, I began to experience these attacks on a regular basis that left me reeling from the intense fear.

After months of suffering in silence, the attacks disappeared as suddenly as they came and I went on with my life thinking the whole strange episode was behind me. I married and began a family but soon the panicky feelings returned, this time with other symptoms as well. I began to have terrible trouble concentrating and focusing as unwanted intrusive thoughts began to flood my mind. These thoughts were the antithesis of who I was and what I stood for and shocked me to the core. I, a young religious loving mother, had irrational fears of

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intentionally abandoning my Jewish observance, violently harming my children and loved ones, and thoughts of committing acts of immorality and blasphemy.

These thoughts became “stuck” in my mind 24/7, like a broken record, and my feelings of panic skyrocketed as I was forced to

a form of Obsessive Compulsive Disorder (OCD) that manifests itself primarily through mental obsessions. Yet at the time I did not realize this and was living a nightmare. Along with the panic and OCD, or perhaps as a result of it, I began to experience significant depression. I was

a point where I felt I simply could not go on. I couldn’t concentrate, I was plagued by panic, and frightening intrusive thoughts sucked the joy of life out of me.

I valiantly tried reading self-help books, exercising and even tried strengthening myself with herbs and vitamins but I did not find

emotionally worn down trying to constantly fight the anxiety attacking me and began feeling weepy and lethargic. I also had trouble eating and sleeping and A Shadow of My Former felt as if I was living in the midst of a thick dark cloud.

Vibrant Self I was raising my young family After years of intense suffering as best as I could, but I was a I learned that I was suffering from yet another aspect of shadow of the vibrant and upbeat anxiety disorder called Pure O – person I once was. I finally reached

the relief I was seeking. I was surrounded by an anxiety-ridden darkness and felt that there was no hope. I could not enjoy the sweet embrace of a child. I was merely living on autopilot, mechanically going through the motions and felt that I wanted to die and leave all the pain, condemnation, and humiliation behind.

Despite the severity of my pain,

contend with the monster that I erroneously thought I was becoming.

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21

myself unconditionally. This was Acceptance and even harder than getting through the day in a daze of panic, OCD, Gratitude Thank God today I am a and depression. By accepting my devoted wife, mother, colleague illness, I was recognizing that I was different than others, and and an active member of my community. And I continue to take my little white pill each and every day. I have reached a point where I can say out loud, “I suffer from anxiety disorder and depression and I love and accept myself exactly how God created me.” I did not do anything to cause this disorder. Despite what others Those Little Pills may think, there does not have At first I hated taking the pills. to be abusive situations or family I felt like a complete failure. I dysfunction involved. Many had been brought up in a culture people suffer from a biochemical which erroneously believes that predisposition to anxiety and taking psychiatric medicine depression without any major for anxiety and depression is a environmental trigger.

My cop out, a sign of weakness, a brain does not produce enough reflection of an inept individual serotonin - it is simple as that. who lacks fortitude and vision.

It is no different than a diabetic How wrong I was. An antiwhose pancreas does not produce depressant simply regulates enough insulin. I have nothing to a chemical imbalance in the be ashamed of and everything to brain and raises the level of an be proud of. With my daily antiimportant neurotransmitter depressant thank God I am myself called serotonin. It has nothing to again and able to experience life to do with a person’s inner strengths its fullest. I shudder to think of the and weaknesses. It has nothing suffering I and my family would to do with one’s level of trust in have continued to go through had God. Depression and anxiety is I had not gotten professional help. caused by a physical imbalance My illness has actually coming from the brain which impacted my life in a positive is a physical organ. By taking way. It’s trained me to become an anti-depressant, my anxiety more humble, recognizing that and depressive symptoms eased our lives are ultimately not fully considerably, putting the ground that hurt. For years I struggled to back under me so that I could come to terms with my condition in our control. I recognize that focus on healing. I still had plenty and my need to medication for when I feel happy, ready to face of hard work before me, internal the rest of my life. When I finally the world with vim and vigor, it is work and soul searching that no reached a level of true acceptance not because “I’m made of strong pill could take the place of.

I experienced a serenity of spirit stuff;” it’s because God is granting One of the hardest feats I had that continues to help me each me the amazing gift of a pure heart and clear mind. The gift to accomplish was accepting I and every day. of emotional health is truly the had an emotional ailment and most precious gift of them all and still continue to love and respect my suffering was not obvious to others; I hid my condition very well. To everyone I was Esti the well-dressed young mom down the street with the cute kids. But those closest to me saw through my façade and my husband, on the advice of his mentor, took me to an experienced psychiatrist who took one look at me in my terrible state and immediately started me on an anti-depressant.

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The gift of emotional health is truly the most precious gift of them all and should never be taken for granted.

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should never be taken for granted.

Realizing how truly dependent we are on the Almighty has strengthened my faith and trust in God immensely, and has expanded my sense of gratitude.

It’s so clear to me how every day of health, days where life beckons to me as a wondrous adventure full of beauty and promise, is a supreme gift, one that I can never take for granted.

I have also become more tolerant of others. I used to be a rather critical, quick-tempered person. I have learned to see others as I see myself – good people who are trying their best to cope with whatever challenges they are facing. We are all works in progress and we all make mistakes. Some days our hardships weigh us down pushing us to make wrong choices. When I see others in such a state I feel empathy, not self-righteous condemnation, and try hard to not judge them.

Being afflicted with anxiety and depression has trained me to live life in the precious present moment. The medication I take helps to take away the feeling of despair but it’s not a perfect art. It does not make me into a happy robot without free choice; it simply helps put the ground back under me that I can reach the level where I can activate my free choice. I need to learn how to find meaning in life and focus on the positive just like everyone else. I still need to consciously make the choice to enjoy the seemingly small things in life. I also need to nurture myself, eat nutritiously, exercise daily and carve out

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time for relaxation and recreation. These are not extras. Most of all I pray to God to reward my efforts with the precious gift of a healthy body and mind.

Clinical anxiety and depression are authentic illnesses. The hell that sufferers go through is compounded greatly by the subtle or not so subtle vibes of those around them who blame and criticize the victim instead of encouraging them to get the professional help they need. Is it fair to blame and order those with leukemia to stop acting so weak and to get themselves together again? Mental illness is no different. The brain is just as much a part of the body as one’s blood cells.

Although most of us suffering from mental illness would not have chosen this challenge, in truth it was tailor-made for our tikkun, our soul’s rectification in this world. One day, I tell myself over and over, I will understand why I needed to go through all the pain and suffering. But for now I try not to focus on “why” but on “what” – what does God want me to do? And I eagerly await for the day when all sadness, despair and hardship will disappear as the dust in the wind and in its place is understanding, healing and completion.

With thanks to Chazkeinu, a project of Shabbat. com. Chazkeinu is a peer-led project supporting Jewish women with any mental illness, along with their family members and friends. To find out more information about Chazkeinu, visit www.chazkeinu. org.

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How to Build a Happy Second Marriage

by Avigail Rosenberg

What a remarried couple needs to know to start their blended family on the right foot.

Sandy, a single mother of two, was divorced for six years when she met Dave, who’d recently ended a long and bitter marriage.

The two quickly found they had a lot in common and eagerly tied the knot…joining Sandy’s two with Dave’s three and instantly becoming a family of seven.

“It’s a good thing we didn’t know what we were getting into,” Sandy says ruefully, a year later. “We’ve come a long way, but boy was that first year hard.”

Although research reports that the divorce rate in the Western world is tapering off, remarriages are here to stay…along with the challenges of healing from a painful past, attending to the needs of all the children involved, and creating a solid foundation for the new marriage. But as long as you’re ready to put in the effort to stay committed and stick with it, there’s enormous potential for a creating a large, loving family.

Here are a few suggestions that will help a remarried couple start off on the right foot: Know yourself – and what you need from a spouse. If you’re a single parent, whether widowed or divorced, make sure you and

26

your intended are on the same page as far as the children go. Is he willing to serve as surrogate dad? Is she interested in becoming a mom of many? Be open with each other about what you’re willing to take on and what you’re not.

Don’t bring in baggage. Do the work you need to heal from your first breakup before you start dating. Communication, respect, and honesty are equally as important the second time as the first, but self-awareness is key too. Understand why your first marriage didn’t work and what you may need to do differently this time, whether it’s looking for a different personality type or being more aware of your own responsibilities.

Discuss short- and long-term family goals. What you would like your family to look like five, ten, fifteen years from now? How about next week or next month? Talk about your goals often, both before the big day and after it, so as not to lose sight of them in the nitty-gritty of “Whose turn is it to wash dishes?” and “Can’t you get your kids to stop fighting?”

Don’t take things for granted. You’re both coming in with a lot more responsibilities than a younger, never married couple

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Don’t bring in baggage. Do the work you need to heal from your first breakup before you start dating.

would be. Resources – emotional and physical – can be tight, with children to care for, housekeeping to attend to, and perhaps financial obligations to previous partners. Discuss division of labor in your new home, finances, and who you’ll turn to when things get bumpy – as they inevitably will.

Give it time. Once you’ve taken the leap, recognize that adjusting to a new reality takes time – for everyone. Spouses need to get acquainted with each other’s children; children need to get accustomed to a new parent in the home. Don’t expect to magically meld into a single unit overnight.

Make your marriage a priority. While you may be distracted by myriads of other tasks, don’t forget to focus on your marriage. Every new marriage needs attention, even if the partners have other responsibilities on their plates. If you neglect to put in the building blocks in the beginning, everyone will suffer.

Carve out couple time. With children

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living in a home, evenings may be taken up by homework, baths, and bedtime, with very little space left for adult bonding.

Make the most of the quiet when the children are with their other parent, or arrange a babysitter once a week to go out and reconnect.

Separate your spouse from his/her children. Loving someone else’s children never comes as naturally as loving your own. They may be driving you crazy, but don’t take it out on your spouse. None of us wants to be blamed for our children’s misbehavior.

Don’t be a martyr. If you’re having an issue with a stepchild, or with some of the domestic responsibilities you’ve taken on, speak up. You may have to take a step back or delegate tasks to someone else – your spouse, another relative, hired help.

If necessary, discuss the issue with a third party such as a therapist to find a mutually satisfying solution.

Look the other way when conflicts arise. Your spouse may have a hard time

getting along with your kids, but don’t his rub you the wrong way sometimes too?

Allow yourselves to be imperfect. Loyalty to your own children doesn’t have to create conflicts in your marriage.

Beware of the green-eyed monster.

Feeling jealous of the time your spouse spends with his children? He may be feeling the same way about you. As a newlywed couple, you want to have each other’s exclusive attention, but with kids in the picture, it doesn’t quite work that way.

Recognize that you married him because he was a dad, and allow him that special time with his kids just as you need special time with yours.

Marriage and relationship building takes work, and remarriage all the more so.

Statistics say that it takes two to seven years until a family is truly blended. But it can be done, and happily remarried couples can attest that there’s nothing like looking at the family you’ve created from two broken halves and realizing how awesome it is.

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It came about like this. At the age of twenty, my oldest brother, Aharon, began to be involved in shidduchim.

Strange

A

:Shidduch I

t came about like this. At the age of twenty, my oldest brother, Aharon, began to be involved in shidduchim Eligible girls suitable for my brother couldn’t be found just anywhere. The matchmakers proposed a girl who lived in a little town named Tatarov, all the way over the border in Poland, several days’ journey from Yasina by horse and wagon. (Not even a train ran to so small a town in those days.)

So Aharon went. On his return, he had very little to say in response to my parents’ eager inquiries. The girl was, well, fine in her way, said Aharon as he hungrily swallowed the delicious meal my mother had prepared, but, well…not for him, that’s all. They had met, had spent a couple of hours talking, and, well, he’d told them already, hadn’t he?

Not for him, that’s all.

Pressed for details, he could only think of her size. She was tiny; so small that as they sat together on chairs in her parents’ living room, her feet barely touched the floor. A minor issue, maybe—my mother pointedly said so at the time (Mama wasn’t very tall herself )—but enough, as far as Aharon was concerned.

Two years later he became engaged to a wonderful local girl. Shortly before the planned wedding date, she went on a swimming trip with her family to the Tisa. On the banks of the stream, she stepped on a rusty nail. An infection set in. In those days there were no antibiotics; the best medical care available could do next to nothing for the girl.

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No One Ever Left

My Mother’s House

Unhappy

She was taken to a hospital where, little by little, her condition worsened until she slipped away, like an angel, in her sleep—just two days before they should have been married.

Aharon was shattered. It was several years before he became engaged, and again something—this time I don’t remember what it was—caused the engagement to be broken off. Heartache pursued him until he was thirty years old.

By this time, not many matches were being proposed to him. Most young men in our town married by the age of twenty or twenty-one; whatever few marriage prospects might be left to a bachelor of thirty were getting dimmer by the month.

In fact, there were so few offers for Aharon that it is surprising that when the matchmakers mentioned a certain Bracha Horn, who lived in a Polish town called Tatarov, and who (as they delicately put it) was a little nearer in age to young Mr. Knoll, neither he nor my father remembered the name.

This time my father not only hired the horse and wagon for Aharon but actually traveled along with him all the way to Tatarov—just to make sure, I suppose, that if this were indeed Aharon’s bashert, my father would be on hand to give Aharon any push he might need to complete the shidduch.

By the time they reached the house, of course, it was too late to turn back.

The girl had changed little in ten years. Her mother had died in childbirth; otherwise the house and the family, too, looked the same. She hadn’t grown any taller. Underneath the kitchen table Aharon nudged my father discreetly. When the girl turned her face away for a split second, he shot him a meaningful glance. It’s

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the same girl! his eyes hissed, as he maintained an enforced silence. How am I going to get out of this now?

My father, for his part, was in over his head. He sat next to Aharon, nodding wearily as the others spoke, trying not to look too much at the girl.

Soon, the girl’s father took matters in hand. Mr. Horn had not forgotten the encounter ten years earlier. With his daughter looking shyly on, he advocated her case, pointing out her merits, both the obvious ones—why, anyone could see she was pretty, and came from a good home—and her less obvious sterling qualities.

She was educated now, he said, a lawyer. Any young man would be glad to have her. Aharon, too, he tactfully pointed out, was now ten years older and still unmarried. And, as they surely knew, Bracha was an orphan, and he couldn’t know how much longer he himself would be around to see her married. Her younger sister and brother were both

34

engaged, but they refused to proceed with their weddings until Bracha was happily betrothed.

Tatte and Aharon shifted uncomfortably in their places.

Mr. Horn took advantage of the awkward silence to wind up his speech saying that he had never known what had made Aharon reject his daughter the first time, but whatever it was, he surely hadn’t undertaken a second trip to Tatarov, building up the girl’s hopes all over again, in order to disappoint her again after all those years.

What was left to be said? Aharon looked dismally at the floor. My poor father’s heart must have been in his mouth.

But he too could only stare grimly, as Mr. Horn made his decisive move.

“So,” he said, speaking directly and unavoidably to Aharon. “Now there’s only one thing left to settle. You’ve been looking around. You can see I’m a landowner. I own about half of this town, as a matter of fact. Naturally you

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expect more from me than another man might provide. So go ahead, young man. Tell me what sort of dowry you want, and we’ll settle it.”

Of course, the dowry was the last thing on Aharon’s mind. But the tactic worked. He looked helplessly at my father, who was fidgeting desperately himself. Between them, all they could stammer, after an interval of exchanged glances and stilted throat clearing, was something to the effect that the boy’s mother wasn’t there, and that a final decision couldn’t be made without her.

Mr. Horn didn’t skip a beat. Wasn’t Mrs. Knoll actually only Aharon’s stepmother, he diplomatically inquired. (He had a lawyer’s memory, that man!) Since when did a thirtyyear-old man need a stepmother to settle a marriage? Besides, if the boy was really so attached to his stepmother, why hadn’t she come along to meet Bracha? Wasn’t it unfair to put vulnerable Bracha through another long wait while the Knoll family deliberated her future?

“Well,” faltered Aharon, looking at my father as though he had brought him to the gallows. “She couldn’t

come, you see…”

“Couldn’t come? What do you mean, she couldn’t come?”

My father took over. “She’s—in a condition,” he whispered discreetly.

Mr. Horn had the good graces to keep silent.

“And—well, you realize,” Father explained apologetically, “she can’t travel just now. So we thought… That is, we want to talk with her—before…”

For once Mr. Horn was at a loss.

Aharon had thrown a lawyer’s tactic back at him, passing responsibility off to an absent party. There was nothing Mr. Horn could do but urge the two men to hurry back to Yasina, talk to the stepmother, and come back to him with an answer.

I don’t know what my father and Aharon said to each other on the way.

But by the time they got home they had their decision made. Mama didn’t need to be consulted. That had been a good excuse to spare themselves of Mr. Horn’s shoehorning efforts and young Bracha the humiliation of a direct rejection. As far as either of them was concerned, the shidduch was off.

“Nu?” Mama greeted the two men

Underneath the kitchen table Aharon nudged my father discreetly.

When the girl turned her face away for a split second, he shot .him a meaningful glance



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anxiously as they staggered into the house after a day’s journey.

“Der zelbe metzia, nur mit tzen yahr elter (It’s the same bargain, only ten years older)!” my father quipped, as he and Aharon proceeded to describe their experience in Tatarov. It was clear that Aharon hadn’t changed his mind over the decade, and though it was unpleasant on both ends, they would have to chalk it up to another failed shidduch. No one told Mama that, as far as Mr. Horn and his daughter were concerned, she was, at that moment, either sealing or breaking the union between the two families.

Which was quite a mistake, it turned out.  My mother was home one evening, hard at work boiling laundry. In those days, in the absence of washing machines, laundry was taken to a stream and given a vigorous scrubbing, after which it was beaten with sticks and boards, then hung up to dry.

Once a week, for laundry that needed more drastic treatment, Mama would take out a few of our largest pots, and fill them with water and a little bleach. Soon the little house was clouded up with the vapor of sheets, diapers and towels boiling furiously on the stove.

That evening, while the men were out davening Maariv and the children played outside the house, Mama puttered over her pots, her face beaded with the vapor of the cooking cottons.

The whole house was fogged up with warm, chlorine-scented steam, and Mama was enjoying the short interlude of solitude when the children suddenly tumbled through the door, gasping with excitement, trying to make

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A car in Yasina. Such appearances were the stuff of the rarest .dramatic occasions



themselves understood through the fog. There was a car outside the house, they were shouting, and a man and a girl had gotten out of the car and were presently approaching to the door.

A car in Yasina. Such appearances were the stuff of the rarest dramatic occasions. But Mama was certain she hadn’t been expecting anyone tonight. Panic seized her as she pictured inviting guests into the house on laundry night! It was a thought to make her shudder. Then, an even more formidable prospect dawned, making short shrift of unanticipated company and sending a flicker of real fear through her eyes. Surely some calamity had befallen a family member and the distinguished visitors had arrived to break the news…

The last thing in Mamma’s imagination was that a Mr. Horn and his daughter, Bracha, would be arriving from the Polish town of Tatarov, in their finest Shabbos clothes, to allow the Knoll matriarch to approve of Aharon’s kallah before they clinched the match.

Mama’s racing thoughts were stopped short by the visitors’ knock on the door. Always polite, my mother took them into the “other” room— that is, the only public room besides the kitchen, and which, unfortunately, was already filling up with steam from the boiling laundry—to inquire what their business was in Yasina.

38

I’ve often tried to reenact the scene in my mind. My mother, in the faded dress she wore for housework. Mr. Horn, the wealthy landowner, the owner of a car, and the tiny, pretty, shy girl, Bracha. And the teacups my mother had brought out for the three of them, steam steadily wafting through the room.

Mr. Horn, naturally, did most of the talking. He was sorry to have come upon her without direct notice. But after all, his daughter had been waiting for ten years. Aharon and his father had made it clear that the only obstacle to the marriage was that the boy couldn’t act without his stepmother’s approval.

And since she couldn’t travel, he had decided to spare everyone the trouble and had come to present the girl in person.

“So here she is,” Mr. Horn concluded triumphantly. “There’s no need to wait another ten years. Look at her—talk to her—all you want.”

“I…see,” said a slightly taken aback Mamma, who was, in fact, beginning to realize what was going on. “Well, now—ah…” Through a bleachy puff of steam, she peered at the girl, whose name she had forgotten, a fact that would have cooled off a lesser man than Mr. Horn.

“Bracha,” he supplied promptly.

“Ah, Bracha,” said my mother. “Ah, I see; is that all? That I have to like you?”

“That’s all,” said Mr. Horn. They

were all a little flushed from the steam.

“You came all the way here to see whether I like you? Because my son said…” Now she was certainly beginning to understand.

Mr. Horn must have done some more talking, because later, when the men came home, my mother defended herself partly by pointing out that Bracha was an orphan, having lost her mother. If the words were Mr. Horn’s, the thought was all my mother’s. The Torah sternly warns against hurting the feelings of orphans and widows.

And Bracha was an orphan, and her father, well, wasn’t he a widower, if not actually a widow? And they were Yidden, they were human beings.

And they were in my mother’s house, which no one ever left unhappy, if my mother could help it…

She made up her mind quickly.

Mamma was like that. She had a decisive strength about her when it came to doing what she felt was the right thing. She knew that in a matter of minutes, Aharon would return from Maariv with my father and the rest of the boys, and the scene that was likely to ensue boded no good for the delicate Bracha Horn.

“Well, all right then,” she said, composing herself and turning her attention directly to the girl. “The whole thing is a little surprising. But that’s all right. Bracha. I was just caught—well, a little off-guard. But now that I’ve seen you in person, and you make a very fine impression,” here she smiled affectionately at a squirming Bracha, “then, if it’s up to me… Yes, Bracha, I’ll take you for my daughter.”

And without another word, she swung the teacup she was holding into the table, so that it shattered, and turning to a stunned Mr. Horn through the steam, she exclaimed, “Mazel tov!”

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The clink of the china was met with shocked silence.

Not even the unflappable Mr. Horn could have expected my mother to finalize the engagement within minutes of meeting his daughter. After his encounter with Aharon and his father, he had expected to have to do quite a bit of his lawyer’s work before he could call it a shidduch. He didn’t know the simple truth: Mama had to hurry; Aharon was due back at any moment, and then it would be too late.

That’s when the doorbell rang.

Through the ubiquitous steam my mother ran to the door, her face radiant. The moment she saw Aharon, she greeted him ebulliently. “Mazel tov! You’re engaged!”

“I am?” asked a puzzled Aharon. “To whom?”

Mamma stood in front of him, barring his entrance, and whispered discreetly into his ear, so the visitors wouldn’t catch the gist of their conversation.

“Why, to Bracha, Bracha Horn.”

“What are you talking about? Aren’t you in the middle of doing laundry? Bracha who? Horn? Where is she?”

“Right here in the house.”

I don’t know how successful my mother was in getting Aharon to keep his voice down.

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“And I’m—engaged? Are you joking? What are you talking about?”

Aharon sounded as if he was about to cry.

“You’re engaged,” Mama repeated calmly, as if to a child.

“We just broke a plate.”

Aharon, who had weathered plenty of crises, seemed to be having trouble breathing. “You broke a plate? On laundry night, you broke a plate? For me?”

“Well, a cup, what’s the difference? You’re engaged.”

It took a moment, but the improbable fragments of the story started to come together in Aharon’s mind.

“Mama,” he said, the threat of tears unsteadying his voice, “how could you do this to me? Don’t you know what you just did? Making me engaged to a girl I don’t like?”

“Calm down,” ordered my mother, in her rare blend of affectionate authority. “She’s in my house. My house, you understand?”

“But…” “Calm down, I said.” She pulled Aharon into the kitchen.

“You don’t like her? You’re thirty years old, Aharon; if you don’t like someone, you’re old enough to just tell her you’re not interested, don’t you know that? You don’t have to put

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Mama had to hurry; Aharon was due back at any moment, and then it would .be too late

 it all on me. I can’t travel—you have to have my approval; isn’t that what you told them?”

“Well, yes,” he stammered—and now he, too, was flushing with the steam—“but I had to.”

“Had to! Thirty years old, a grown man, putting everything on his mother!” My mother could be formidable when she wanted to be.

Aharon stared down miserably.

“Well, they came to my house,” Mama went on, “and asked for my okay, just like you told them. I’m not sending them away unhappy. If you want to do that, go right ahead.

It’s your choice. Just like I broke the cup, you can break the engagement. They’re in there, waiting!”

I’ve heard every bit of this story from both of them, so I am sure it’s true. It’s also true that if there had been any plausible way to get out of the predicament gracefully, Aharon would have broken that engagement without a moment’s thought. But even he realized that he would have to walk into his own living room and at least talk to the

40

girl. Which he did.

And then, of course, he had to offer to walk her out. A man can’t simply send his fiancée away from the door on the very day of their engagement.

To make a long story short, the girl he had spurned actually won him over. Even before they were married, Aharon was a new man. True. And after they were married and went to live in Tatarov, Bracha unfurled like a beautiful flower, the way a woman does when she is truly happy.

Excerpted from the forthcoming book about Frieda Bassman, a”h.

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JEWS GO HOME W

hen anti-Semitic graffiti calling “Jews Go Home!” was scrawled across the walls of a Denver synagogue, William Aiken, a non-Jewish World War II veteran, wrote the following response in the Colorado Gazette Telegraph: “Jews Go Home. Well, this is nothing new. Never in the past have you ever taken this gentle suggestion to move on.

But, Heaven forbid, suppose just this once you thought that this expression of a few sick people actually expressed the conviction of all the people in this wonderful land of ours and all of you started to pack your bags and leave for parts unknown.

However, just before you go, would you do me a favor?

Would you leave your formula for the Salk and the Sabin vaccine with me before you depart? You wouldn’t be so heartless as to let my children contract polio?

And, would you please leave your knack for government and politics, science and technology, and literature, and good food, and all those things so useful and enjoyable,

and would you please leave with me the secret of your drive to succeed?

Please?

And please, have pity on us, show us the secret of how to develop more such geniuses as Einstein, Freud, Nostradamus, Steinmetz, and oh so many others who have helped us all.

After all, we owe you for the Atomic Bomb, most of our rocket research and perhaps the fact that we are alive today, instead of looking up from our chains and from our graves to see an aging, happy Hitler drive by slowly in one of our Cadillacs.

On your way out, Jews, will you do me just one more favor?

Will you please drive by my house and pick me up also? I’m just not sure I could live too well in a land where you were not around to give us as much as you have given us. If you ever have to leave, love goes with you, democracy goes with you, everything my buddies and I fought for in World War II goes with you. G-d goes with you too.

Just pull up in front of my house, slow down and honk, because, so help me, I’m going with you too.”

Jewish Hall of Fame

All kidding aside, although Jews don’t literally run the world, they have a startling, vastly disproportionate representation in many fields of influence and accomplishment.

Let’s take a closer look at those accomplishments and delve into some of the various explanations that have been suggested for them.

There isn’t enough space to list all the Jews who’ve made outstanding accomplishments over the past 150 years. Here are just a few notable highlights: Albert Einstein, creator of the theory of relativity (including his famous equation e=mc²), as well as father of modern physics, quantum theory, nuclear power and the atom bomb.

Felix Bloch, Niels Bohr, Otto Frisch, Robert Oppenheimer, Leo Szilard, and Edward Teller, the developers of the world’s first atomic bom.

Karl Marx, German economist and revolutionary, wrote The Communist Manifesto and Das Kapital, influencing modern socialism and all social sciences.

Sigmund Freud, the founder of psychoanalysis and father of psychiatry.

Jonas Salk, creator of the first polio

Louis Blaustein and his son opened the first gas station in 1910, eventually founding AMOCO OIL.

46

Left to Right - Dr. Albert Sabin developer of the first oral polio vaccine. - Emile Berliner developed the modernday phonograph -Albert Einstein, creator of the theory of relativity MAGAZINE www.NyBuzzMagazine.com I To advertise, call 718-513-9885

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Some people like the Jews, and some do not. But no thoughtful man can deny the fact that they are, beyond any question, the most formidable and the most remarkable race which has appeared in the world.”- Winston Churchill - Prime Minister of Great Britain vaccine, and Dr. Albert Sabin, developer of the first oral polio vaccine.

Theodore Judah, chief architect and engineer for the American Transcontinental railroad.

observation of the area and targets.

Dr. Gabriel Bar-On of Israel’s Givun Imaging, who developed the first ingestible video camera inside a pill. It helps doctors diagnose cancer and digestive disorders.

Although Jews comprise less than 1 percent of the world’s population — about one-fifth of one percent — they are

United States, where Jews comprise 2 percent of the population, 20 percent of professors at leading universities are Jewish. Approximately 40 percent of partners in the leading law firms in New York and Washington, D.C., are Jewish.

Jews comprise 21 percent of Ivy League student bodies, and 51 percent of the Pulitzer Prize winners for nonfiction.

Jews also earn more money than other people. Jews make up more than 10 percent of the Forbes 400 list of the wealthiest people in the world. In addition, 46 percent of Jews in the United States earn over $100,000 a year, while only 15 percent of the rest of the population earns that amount. One-third of American multimillionaires are Jewish.

And these achievements have all occurred despite discrimination, immigration, persecution and the Holocaust.

Sigmund Freud, the founder of psychoanalysis and father of psychiatry.

Louis Blaustein and his son, who opened the first gas station in 1910, eventually founding American Oil Corporation.

Haym Solomon and Isaac Moses, creators of the first modern banking institutions.

The Altmans, Gimbels, Kaufmanns, Lazaruses, Magnins, Mays, and Strausses, who established the first department stores.

Isidor and Nathan Straus — “Abraham & Straus” — eventually became sole owners of Macy’s, the world’s largest department store.

Israeli engineer Simcha Blass and his son Yeshayahu, who in the 1960s invented the drip irrigation system, a device that waters plants one drop at a time. This successful invention has spread to three other continents.

Amos Golan and Doron Tamir, who invented the CornerShot weapon accessory, a gun that is able to shoot around corners. The device turns 63 degrees to the left or right. The video camera that is mounted on the device gives a good

greatly overrepresented in the fields of law, medicine, science, finance, literature and media. And we can only speculate that if six million Jewish lives hadn’t been extinguished in the Holocaust just how much more Torah learning, discoveries, cures and inventions there might be now.

Jews (and those of half and three-quarters Jewish descent) have won 181 Nobel Prizes, 22 percent of all Nobel prizes and far more than any other ethnicity. It’s estimated that they have won 40 times

Nature or Nurture?

Theodore Judah, chief architect and engineer for the American Transcontinental railroad.

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more than would be expected based on population figures. Seven of fourteen chess champions since the late 1800s have been Jewish (or, as with Garry Kasparov, half-Jewish descent).

Jewish IQs are higher than other groups. The proportion of Jews with IQs higher than 140 is believed to be six times more than any other ethnic group. In the

So why are Jews so successful? Until recently the question of Jewish superiority was a topic that Jews were afraid to discuss, fearing that it would add fuel to anti-Semitic flames.

Is the reason nature (genetics) or

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The Macy’s flagship department store with the famous brownstone at 34th and Broadw 47 (1907)

nurture (from the environment)?

Many environmental explanations have been offered. The singular value of Torah learning is what first comes to mind. Some contend that the abundant

such success.” He points out that among families headed by males aged 35-45 with four or more years of post–high school education, Jews still earn 75 percent higher incomes than the national average with the same demographics. “If it were as simple as just getting an education or developing verbal confidence, just two

is responsible. Since Jews have kept moving from country to country, they are exposed to a vast array of cultures and experiences that enable them to think out of the box. And discrimination against Jews has also been claimed as an explanation, the rationale being that having to overcome obstacles and quota systems have made Jews try harder and persevere longer.

In The Golden Age of Jewish Achievement (Deucalion, 2009), author Steven L. Pease lists many possible reasons, including the observation that “no single explanation can account for the record of Jewish achievement.”

Nathan Straus was an American merchant and philanthropist who owned two of New York City’s biggest department stores R.H. Macy & Company and Abraham & Straus.

presence of books found in Jewish homes is the reason. This cause has often been linked with the supreme value that education holds in Jewish households.

Steven Silbiger, author of The Jewish Phenomenon: Seven Keys to the Enduring Wealth of a People (Longstreet Press, 2001), disagrees: “Of course, education is very important, but a good education alone does not fully explain

of the keys, Jewish success would have been emulated years ago.”

Dr. Thomas Sowell, an AfricanAmerican economist, senior fellow at the Hoover Institute, and author of Ethnic America, concurs. “Even when neither education nor age is a factor, Jews earn more.”

The cohesiveness of the Jewish family and eating Shabbos meals together are other reasons cited for this phenomenon. Others have contended that the Wandering Jew Syndrome

Isadore & Nathan Straus “Abraham & Straus,” eventually became sole owners of Macy’s, the world’s largest department store.

Controversy

The genetics explanation was broached by a non-Jewish scientist, Dr. Charles Murray, Harvard and MIT graduate and fellow of the American Enterprise Institute. He published the controversial study, “The Bell Curve,” in 1994, which openly documented the “differences in intellectual capacity among people and groups.” This “politically incorrect” conclusion caused a stir in liberal intellectual circles. Murray went on to publish an essay on “Jewish Genius” in Commentary magazine 2007, the first major Jewish magazine to handle this taboo topic.

Murray contends that “elevated

“I will insist the Hebrews have contributed more to civilize men than any other nation. If I was an atheist and believed in blind eternal fate, I should still believe that fate had ordained the Jews to be the most essential instrument for civilizing the nations ... They are the most glorious nation that ever inhabited this Earth...They have given religion to three-quarters of the globe and have influenced the affairs of mankind more and more happily than any other nation, ancient or modern.”

- John Adams, Second President of the United States

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Jewish intelligence is grounded in genetics.” He elaborates historically by referring to the phenomena of daughters of successful merchants marrying learned men, causing the merging of genes to produce children of high intelligence, whereas the Roman Catholics did the opposite: priests and monks—usually among the best and brightest in their communities—were prohibited from marrying, thus “selecting out” their intellectually superior men from the gene pool.

Murray believes that books in the home and the other environmental factors are not the cause of Jewish intelligence and success. Rather, centuries of selective mating and merging of genes have produced children of high intelligence.

Henry Harpending, an evolutionary anthropologist at the University of Utah, and Gregory Cochran offer their own genetic argument for Ashkenazi Jewish intelligence.

They contend that the diseases most commonly found in Ashkenazim—particularly the lysosomal storage diseases, like Tay-Sachs—were likely connected to the outsize intellectual achievement in Ashkenazi Jews (Journal of Biosocial Science, Cambridge University Press 2006).

Rabbi Levi Brackman, co-author of Jewish Wisdom for Business Success: Lessons from the Torah and Other Ancient Texts (AMACOM, 2008), disagrees with Murray and the other genetic proponents.

“Why are Jews disproportionately successful? Why are so many of them making more money when compared to the general population? Just because the vile anti-Semites use these facts for their own nefarious means does not mean that we should avoid or try and ignore them. Some have tried to answer this question by saying the Jewish success has to do with the fact that in Europe they were forced to only be involved in finance. But if this was the case then why are thirty percent of Nobel Prize winners in the sciences Jewish?

Some say it has to do with genetics. But I don’t buy that type of racist ideology.”

Rabbi Brackman, whose book shows how teachings from the Torah can help achieve incredible business results, contends that the “real reason for Jewish success in all areas is the Torah. The wisdom found in the Torah feeds directly into successful practices, not just in finance, but in the sciences as well as in many other fields.”

What about Jews who are estranged from Torah?

“Some Jews may not know that their outlook comes from the religion of Judaism. However, I have found that Jews who have never even opened a Jewish book still believe in intrinsically Jewish ideas that stem from the Torah.

After probing, often they heard these ideas from a Jewish grandmother they were close with or from a great-uncle. But in the end they can almost always be traced back to Jewish ideas that come from the Torah.”

The Last Word

Was Murray satisfied by the genetic evidence he so impressively presents? He continues to ponder the intellectual prowess demonstrated from the very beginning by the Jewish people. “Why should one particular tribe at the time of Moses, living in the same environment as other nomadic and agricultural peoples of the Middle East, have already evolved elevated intelligence when others did not?”

Why are the Jews so successful? He refers to the Jews’ earliest and most famous text and answers: “The Jews are G-d’s chosen people.” u

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Welcoming the winter season Gitta Bixenspanner n.d We cannot deny it! Winter is on its way! Some areas have already been graced with their first snowfall; others are waiting expectantly for snow to make its yearly appearance.

Inasmuch as Yom Tov meals were delightful they were also a lot richer and heavier than we are accustomed to having all year around.

Hashem created a perfect world where the seasons provide us with abundant produce of just what our body requires

to feel healthy. The most predominant colors around us are the orange and yellow leaves falling all around shaded areas. The view is spectacular. Anyone lucky enough to be travelling from NY to Montreal or back was privy to this awesome wonder of Hashem’s creation.

The healthiest and most abundantly available vegetables right now are the root vegetables. They are warming filling and downright good for you.

For your information which vegetables What are some benefits of root vegetables? are root vegetables?

1.

Provide complex carbs that are naturally sweet Yams, beets, parsnips, turnips, rutabagas, carrots, yucca, kohlrabi, onions, garlic, celery root (or celeriac), horseradish, daikon, turmeric, jicama, Jerusalem artichokes, radishes, and ginger are all considered roots. Because root vegetables grow underground, they absorb a great amount of nutrients from the soil. Root vegetables are perfect to replace grains. They can be prepared raw grated into salads, roasted, fried, mashed, or blended into a delicious soup.

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2.

High in fiber thus helping digestion 3.

Good source of vitamins thus helping to fight disease 4.

Lower cholesterol and improve heart disease by preventing plaque buildup in the arteries

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Beet and Carrot Salad & Pistachio Combo Did you know that there are many types of beets? They come in varied colors and shapes, when prepared separately and arranged together they make a beautiful arrangement. There are purple beets and golden beets, white beets and even striped beets but the two most common you’ll see in the store are purple and golden. The purple beets bleed so if you want to have the assorted look cook or roast them separately.

Once cooked the skin comes off easily, do wear gloves if you do not want stained hands.

Choose beets in a variety of colors after beets are cooked, slice them and arrange them on a platter with curled carrots, sliced red onions and chopped pistachio. Dress with your favorite dressing. This dish is delicious nutritious and a delight for the eyes. It is a great side dish for any meal.

Ingredients ½ cup pistachios 1 tsp plus ½ cup olive oil Kosher salt to taste 2 garlic cloves, finely grated 3 Tbs apple cider vinegar or lemon juice 1 Tbs Dijon mustard 1 Tbs light mayo 4 small beets (any color), peeled, thinly sliced 4 medium carrots, peeled, shaved lengthwise into ribbons with a vegetable peeler Preparation Preheat oven to 350°. Toss pistachios and 1 tsp. oil on a rimmed baking sheet; season with salt. Roast tossing once, until pistachios are golden brown, 5–7 minutes. Let cool, and then coarsely chop.

Blend garlic, vinegar, mayo and mustard in a small dish. Blend until dressing is very smooth and thick; season with salt to taste.

Cook beets in separate pots covered in water until tender. Allow to cool peel and cut into thin slices. Toss beets and half of dressing in a medium bowl; Add carrots and remaining dressing and mix to combine; adjust seasoning to taste and add lemon juice. Serve topped with toasted pistachios. Will keep well in the fridge for up to 3 days.

Serves 8

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Crispy Baked Sweet Potato Fries I must confess I am a French fry aficionado, as a nutritionist I know that potatoes are not that good for us, but I delight in an occasional indulgence. That is until I was invited to try these sweet potato fries, inasmuch as I was reluctant to swap the white potatoes for sweet potatoes, once tried I am hooked. They are sweet salty healthy all in one and what could be so bad if they are baked in the oven.

INGREDIENTS Sweet potatoes. I’d plan on at least one per person.

Medium-sized sweet potatoes with smooth, firm, evenly toned skin usually make the best sweet potato fries.

Corn starch. A big sprinkle’s worth. (optional) Olive oil. A couple of tablespoons or so. Enough to lightly and evenly coat the fries.

Salt, pepper and garlic and any other favorite spices to taste.

INSTRUCTIONS Preheat the oven to 425 degrees Fahrenheit. Peel the sweet potatoes and cut them into fry-shaped pieces (see photos). Try to cut them into similarly sized pieces so the fries will bake evenly.

Toss the uncooked fries into a mixing bowl or a plastic bag. Sprinkle with cornstarch (if using) and pour in a few tablespoons of olive oil, enough to lightly coat the fries well. Season with salt, pepper, and spices. Mix/ shake to distribute evenly (corn starch should be evenly mixed in so there are no powdery spots).

Pour the fries directly onto a non-stick baking sheet for best results (lining with aluminum foil produces mixed results and parchment paper can burn in the hot oven). Arrange your fries in a single layer and don’t overcrowd, otherwise they will never crisp up.

Bake for 15 minutes and then flip the fries so they can cook on all sides.

Bake for 10 to 15 more minutes, or until the fries are crispy. You’ll know they’re done when the surface of the fries change from shiny orange to a more matte, puffed up texture. It’s essential to bake them long enough, otherwise they won’t be crispy.

Serve with spicy mayo or your favorite dip.

Preparation 20 minutes

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Layered Root Vegetable Casserole Casseroles are a complete meal in a dish that can be prepared ahead and baked as needed for a full satisfying supper.

Ingredients 1 medium onion cut in chunks 1 lb chopped beef or chicken 1 large sweet potato 2 carrots 2 red peppers diced 8 oz. mushrooms washed and sliced 4 stalks celery 1 can crushed tomatoes (optional) 1 14 oz can tomato sauce MAGAZINE

Spices (basil, parsley, oregano, garlic whatever you prefer) Directions In a frying pan sautĂŠ onion in oil until golden 5-6 minutes. Sear chopped meat on all sizes making sure to separate pieces to spread between the layers.

Use as many vegetables as you need to fit the chosen casserole dish.

After you wash, peel and slice veggies, layer in a casserole alternating with the chopped meat.

Between each layer, pour some diced tomatoes and tomato sauce and sprinkle with spices.

Repeat until you fill dish, leaving a little room at the top.

Cover and cook in the oven at 350F for 4050 minutes or until heated through.

Filling can be varied with whatever veggies you like. YUM!!

Preparation 15 minutes Serves 6

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Easy Root Vegetable Soup This cold-weather soup that you can make with almost any mixture of root vegetables you have to hand: carrots, parsnips, celery root, turnips, rutabaga, and sweet potato and butternut squash. Flavored with garlic, rosemary and bay leaves on top of a sauté of onions and celery, it’s an earthy, sweet, and warming meal for days where the air has some bite. Top with a drizzle of olive oil and lemon juice, optionally some grated cheese, flaky salt and a shower of black pepper to taste.

This soup can be served as pieces or blended for perfect results.

Ingredients 2 Tbs oil 1 large onion or 2 leeks (white and light green part only), chopped

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2 to 3 celery stalks, diced 3 garlic cloves, finely chopped 3 rosemary or thyme branches (optional) 2 bay leaves 3 1/2 pounds mixed root vegetables (carrot, parsnip, celery root, turnip, rutabaga, sweet or regular potato), peeled and cut into 1-inch chunks 2 tsp fine sea salt, more as needed 1/2 tsp black pepper, more as needed Juice of 1/2 lemon, more for serving Extra-virgin olive oil Flaky sea salt Crushed chilli flakes, optional Directions Warm oil in a large pot. Stir in onion and celery. Cook stirring occasionally until vegetables are tender, about 10 minutes.

Stir in garlic, rosemary and bay leaves; cook 1 minute more.

Add root vegetables, 8 cups water, salt and pepper. Bring to a boil; reduce heat to medium and simmer, covered, until vegetables are tender, 30 to 40 minutes.

Remove and discard rosemary branches and bay leaves. Using an immersion blender purée soup until smooth. If the soup is too thick, add a little water. Season with lemon juice and more salt to taste.

To serve, ladle soup into bowls and serve with croutons or garlic pita chips.

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