Flatbush Buzz #99 May 21 2017

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My iPhone Addiction

by Ari

How I learned to gain control over my incessant need to be constantly connected.

I

’m a junkie. I am addicted to my iPhone.

I’m a regular guy. I live in Jerusalem and learn Torah every day. I exercise. I work a responsible job. I am good parent and spouse. And yes, I have a smart phone.

I’ve heard about all the dire warnings from rabbis about the dangers of smart phones; their points are valid. But I needed my iPhone 24/6 for work and I had no choice.

Or so I thought until this summer.

Our family hosted Yael, a teenage girl who came to stay with us for a month after she finished up a year in seminary.

Yael is a close family friend and we enjoy her company; she is great with the kids and helps out around the house. But after a week, I noticed that she had not left the house once. In fact, she barely left the living room. She just sat there on the couch, while an entire world of chaos (five Israeli kids in apartment with neighborhood kids regularly stampeding

12

through) exploded around her on a daily basis.

Not a glance, not a stare. She was in her own world, oblivious to her surroundings, consumed by whatsapp, snapchat, instagram, email, news updates and even updates about when there would be more updates. Her thumbs tap danced on the screen at the speed of a Riverdance performer trying to keep up with the next beat – I mean beep. It was truly a spectacle to behold.

“Why are you sitting on the couch all day?” I asked her.

“Because I am attached,” Yael replied.

She meant it literally. Her wireless phone was plugged into the wall. She did not leave the couch at the risk of running out of battery.

One day catastrophe struck – her iPhone broke. Yael was helping out in the kitchen, serving two kids macaroni, pouring drinks and peeling a banana for

the baby all with one hand. In her other hand was the iPhone, where she was performing a one-legged show with her free thumb. As she reached for the send button, the phone slipped out of her hand and crashed onto the floor shattering the display and the phone wouldn’t turn on.

“What am I going to do?” she said.

“Can you grab the baby? He’s dangling from the highchair,” I said.

She froze. She couldn’t focus on anything but the fate of her 36 whatsapp groups, the expected evening instagrams, and the conclusion of the selfie photo series her friends were snapchatting down the aisle at Shop Rite.

“Don’t worry about it, I know a place that can fix it,” I said.

At the electronics repair shop the owner said to the visibly distraught Yael, “Come back tomorrow, I’ll see if maybe I can fix it.”

“Maybe? Did he say maybe?” I heard

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Yael say to herself.

By the time we got home, her facial expression went from worry to panic. She sat on the couch, almost crouched in a fetal position. She didn’t say a word, other than to ask if the guy from the electronics store called.

The pandemonium of the lively kids didn’t faze her at all.

She was catatonic and going through withdrawal.

At first I was nervous, then scared and finally disgusted – at myself. Yael was clearly extreme, but was I much better? What would I do if I didn’t have my iPhone for 24 hours? I’d be pretty agitated. Perhaps a client or colleague was trying to get in touch with me.

What about the news? The whatsapp group? The latest @dansdeals?

In many ways Yael and I suffered from the same addiction.

So I started thinking about gaining control over my need to be constantly connected to my iPhone.

A few days later, my 12-year-old son asked me for an iPhone. This has come up before and in the past I have just said no. Thank Hashem his classmates do not have smartphones, so the pressure to get one is a lot less. But, this time I pulled him aside and said, “Look at Yael. Is this a life? You go out and play sports, go on fun hikes, and learn a lot of Torah. Do you want to sit on the couch all day? Do you want to be so attached to a phone that you can’t ever let it go?”

As the words were coming out of my mouth (while simultaneously responding to an email), I resolved to gain control and detach myself. I knew it wouldn’t be a complete cutting of the cord, but I needed to free myself for a period of time on a daily basis from the grid. And I did.

I got another phone; a simple one that makes and receives calls, and that’s it. For several hours a day I only carry the simple phone. If anyone needs to call me my regular number rings on the simple phone. When my workday starts, I turn on my iPhone.

It’s not a perfect solution but after doing this for only a number of weeks the change is noticeable and real. I am able to focus more on what I am actually doing like praying, learning, eating and even talking to my wife. I am not constantly distracted by another buzz or ding.

I am focused on what I am doing right now. The emails, whatsapps and other updates can wait until I decide that I want to check them.

I am not advocating for a complete disengagement. I still use my iPhone and it provides me with the access I need and want for work, family connections, news and of course Waze. But I am changing my routine, blocking out large chunks of time – I’m at five waking hours a day – where I am in control.

And I like it.

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Parshas Bamidbar

Rabbi Ben Tzion Shafier

S’firah:

The Students of Rebbe Akiva S’firah as a time of mourning “Rebbe Akiva had 24,000 students from Givas to Antipras. All of them died in one time period because they didn’t treat each other with kavod. That time period was between Pesach and Shavuos.”

(Yevamos 62b) With these words, the Gemarah explains why S’firah, a joyful time when we prepare for the acceptance of the Torah, has taken on an aspect of mourning and repentance. We mourn over the loss of such a great legion of Torah scholars, and we repent because if this is what befell such great people, where does it leave us?

If they were guilty of not treating their friends with the proper respect, what are we to say?

However, this statement of the Gemarah is difficult to understand.

How is it possible that the students of Rebbe Akiva didn’t treat each other with honor? Isn’t that basic practice of a talmid chacham? These people were towering giants, steeped in Torah study and observance. How is it imaginable that they neglected such a basic tenet as treating their friends properly?

This question becomes far more problematic when we focus on who their Rebbe was, and what he stood for.

Rebbe Akiva said, “Love your neighbor as yourself; that is a great principle of the Torah” (Toras Kohanim). Rebbe Akiva’s

22

shita was that the concept of “love your neighbor” is the dominant theme that runs through all of the mitzvahs — not an addendum to the Torah, not a nicety to enhance one’s avodas HASHEM, rather the essence of the entire Torah. Clearly, this wasn’t something that Rebbe Akiva sort of mentioned once a year in passing.

It was something that he regularly taught and expanded upon. Most likely, he gave shiurim in it. There must have been Mussar Va’adim, focus groups… How then is it possible that his own talmidim could have failed so abysmally in this very area?

Second degree black belt moshol The answer to this understanding a moshol:

lies

in

Imagine that you are at a karate tournament when you overhear a group of contestants talking about another fighter.

“That guy! He can’t fight his way out of wet paper bag.” Then, you look over and see that “that guy” is a black belt! He has trained in martial arts for many years.

His hands should be registered with the Police Department as lethal weapons. Yet they hold him in utter disregard. How could this be?

Then you realize that they are second degree black belts, and he is only a first degree. The difference in their fighting skills is vast, and that is the issue. They aren’t judging him based on an objective standard; they are comparing him to their level. Compared to an untrained

individual, he may well be a lethal killer, but compared to a second degree black belt, he isn’t very threatening. Because they are comparing him to their status, he doesn’t rank and isn’t considered worthy.

Rebbe Akiva’s students were Gadolim This seems to be the answer to this question. The Maharsha explains that the students of Rebbe Akiva didn’t treat each other with the Kavod Ha’Torah due to their friends. Nowhere are they accused of being nasty or rude. We aren’t told that they didn’t practice chessed. No doubt, they acted with great kindness to each other, and as the students of Rebbe Akiva, they practiced great sensitivity. Most likely they treated each other with great kavod, far more than we treat our friends.

But that was the problem. Their friends weren’t our friends. Their friends were Torah giants. Because they lived in an enclave of talmidei chachamim, it wasn’t enough that they treated each other nicely and politely. They were obligated to treat one another with all of the deference and honor due to one who holds up the entire world. And in that sense they were lacking. They treated their friends as very good friends, on some level forgetting that their very good friends were also Gadolim.

When your friend is a Gadol B’ Torah, it isn’t good enough to treat him as a dear friend. You must treat him with the honor due to a great man. And it seems that on some level, they were lacking in that.

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Since they were the ones who were to be the link in the chain from Sinai handing down the Mesorah, that lack of true Kavod HaTorah would have tainted the transmission, and they could not be the ones to hand over the Torah to the next generation. That role had to be given to others.

This concept is very relevant to us on many levels. Firstly, it shows us the purity of our mesorah. Throughout thousands of years of exile, the very same Torah, with the very same priorities, intentions, and practices has been handed down from generation to generation unchanged because any deviation has to be eliminated.

More directly, this issue relates to us in the way that we act towards others. We live in an egalitarian society — everyone is equal. While this has allowed us, as Jews, great freedom, we are obligated to

recognize that not everyone occupies the same station in life. If a person is a Rov, Posek, or Rebbe then it is incumbent upon me to treat him with the highest degree of respect — even if I am his equal.

Even if I have mastered as much Torah as he has, even if I am as fluent in Shas, since he occupies a position of a Torah leader, I must treat him with all the honor due to a talmid chacham. My personal madreigah doesn’t allow me to treat him with less honor. Quite the opposite, the more learned I am, the more I am obligated to act in the ways of the Torah, which is to respect those who have acquired greatness.

We are all black belts

for a moment that I am more advanced in learning that my friend or neighbor.

Does that obviate my obligation to treat him with respect? At the end of the day, a Jew who has learned one posuk of Chumash is a member of an elite nation and should be held in high accord. By dint of being a Jew, that person is worthy of great respect. My being zocheh to more Torah knowledge doesn’t take away my obligation to honor you as a member of the holy nation, a beloved child of HASHEM. Quite the opposite, since I know more, I understand with even greater clarity that true honor is due for a person’s closeness to HASHEM, that any Jew is considered a son of HASHEM, and that all Jews are therefore worthy of more honor that we can imagine.

But even more pointedly, let’s imagine

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A Nazi in the Family

by Derek Niemann

Three years ago I discovered that my grandfather was a member of the SS and arrested for crimes against humanity

L

ate last year, I read an interview with a rabbi in my university city of Manchester, in which he said that things were so bad he could not see himself ending his days in Britain.

I wanted to cry – how could this be happening in my own country? His words had a special resonance for me – at the time I was finishing a book about my own grandfather – an active perpetrator in the Holocaust.

My German grandfather died before I was born. My father told me that his father, Karl Niemann, was “a bank clerk, a pen-pusher.” He also told me that he was a member of the Nazi party. Out of shame, I kept that from my Jewish friends.

Three years ago while my wife prepared for a conference in Berlin a far more terrible revelation came. I decided to

38

join her in the German capital for a short vacation. I asked my dad where he had lived during the war. I would look it up, maybe take some photos of the house for him. I checked online for any information about the street itself.

While I was searching a page came up bearing the words: SS Hauptsturmführer Karl Niemann… crimes against humanity… use of slave labor.

I was to discover that in May 1945 my grandfather was arrested in the Alps

by American soldiers and imprisoned in former POW camps for three years. My family closed that sordid chapter in their lives and never spoke about it again. But as a 50-year-old writer, I had a compulsion to dig into this new-found truth and to write about it. I trawled archives, went to concentration camps, spoke to Holocaust historians and relatives and began to

piece together the story – not just of Karl Niemann, but also that of my family, who had been living a life in Berlin that was both bizarre and frighteningly ordinary.

My dad had vivid recollections of a childhood in which he saw much but understood little. During the war, his father was always going on ‘business trips’. No sooner was he back than he was preparing to go off again. The reality was that he was an overseer of slave labor and the factories he was visiting were the likes of Auschwitz, Dachau, Buchenwald and Sachsenhausen.

SS officers requisitioned inmates to do odd jobs around the house. My dad remembered men wearing “dirty grey striped uniforms, with ‘Jude’ written on the back”. They brought furniture, mended clothes, made bunk beds and an air raid shelter in the garden. His mother

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gave them coffee and cake. They told her they liked coming to her house. The children played in bomb craters: it was a million miles from the murderous regime in which their father was a working participant.

Karl pictured in his Nazi Party uniform with wife Minna, 1933.Karl pictured in his Nazi Party uniform with wife Minna, 1933.

Just how much did my grandfather know of the Holocaust and what was his involvement? In the last weeks of the war, he was one of four officers ordered to relocate with their families from Berlin to the Alps. The entourage stopped for two or three nights at Dachau on the way and my dad recalled overhearing a heated conversation between his parents as they looked out over a low building with a tall smoking chimney. His mother said: “You know what they’re doing there?

They’re killing the Jews and burning their bodies.” His father was emphatic: “No, they wouldn’t do that,” he insisted.

There is simply too much contrary evidence for his denial to be credible. At his tribunal in 1948, the prosecution lacked incriminating papers that were being used at the time to help hang Karl’s boss, Oswald Pohl, the overall controller of concentration camps. Auditor Karl Niemann had produced accounts for the year 1942, in which he bemoaned the ‘loss’ of 8,000 workers from Majdanek. Eight thousand Jews had been taken out and shot – and Karl had written down the exact date of their killing.

He claimed he had never been to Auschwitz – yet it was the SS’s second biggest ‘factory’ and a Holocaust historian told me that it was inconceivable that he would never have visited it. And how could he have gone to camp after camp, and not seen all the signs of torture, the skeletal figures, breathed the smell of death? My grandfather found inmates to testify on his behalf that he had not physically abused anyone. What of the passive acceptance that allowed him to

work for the SS for 10 years?

Most disturbing of all were the comments from the presiding judge that Karl Niemann, presented with the facts, showed no sign of contrition for his part in the enslavement and brutal treatment of innocent people.

It was hard to be objective.

There were times when I hated my grandfather. There was a brief window – when I discovered that he had been working deals with the Gestapo to have inmates released – that I thought he might have been another Oskar Schindler. But in the end, I accept he was a

My grandfather oversaw slave labor and the factories he visited were the likes of Auschwitz, Dachau, Buchenwald and Sachsenhausen. flawed individual and look elsewhere for positives.

And there are positives to come out of this dreadful story. There is my family’s reaction to the book’s publication, most notably my uncle, still living in Germany, who read a draft and told me: “I find this hard, but it is true, and you must tell it all.”

A guiding light has been one Bernhard Gelderblom, whose own father died an unrepentant perpetrator. Bernhard has dedicated his retirement to teaching children in local towns and villages about the lives of Jewish communities before

the Nazis came. He inspired people in these places to restore Jewish cemeteries smashed during Kristallnacht.

Throughout this process, I have been shaken, not by hostility, but by kindness.

It seems that those closest to the Holocaust are girdled with compassion.

Archivists have looked into my heart and said in soft voices: “It’s not your fault.” A lady who had lost family at Auschwitz even said: “Your grandfather probably couldn’t help it.” Kind words indeed, but for the sake of truth, I must value honesty above everything.

As Holocaust survivors pass away, I understand that I and others in my position have a role. As the grandson of a Nazi criminal, I can say to young people, this is what has happened, but I do not share my grandfather’s beliefs, I do not agree with what he has done. In the weeks since my book was published, I have found others who have been given a similar legacy to me and also want to carry a torch against hatred and bigotry.

I was deeply moved to be asked by Aish.com to write this article. The fact that it is possible speaks volumes for the willingness of good people, regardless of faith, to find understanding and common humanity.

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Favorite Summer Salad Recipes Gitta Bixenspanner n.d.

Finally some hot days to enjoy the weather the great outdoors, and easy recipes that do not take up too much time. Who wants to sit in a hot kitchen laboring over elaborate meals when all the kids want is to grab a bite and run! With produce at their peak this time of year, take advantage and load up on nature’s bounty. Delicious fruits and vegetables abound at farmers’ markets and in your local grocery. Besides being low in calories, produce is loaded with vitamins, minerals, antioxidants, and fiber.

Save the oranges and apples for fall, and load up on fresh berries, melons, a variety of greens, tomatoes, zucchini, cucumbers, beets, pea pods, and all the super-nutritious and low-calorie as well as delicious ripe fruits of all kinds..

Salads are the most popular on hot summer days. Many salads can be converted into a whole meal, when adding

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some protein such as feta/any cheese, fish, poultry or nuts. There are so many varieties of salad out there something for every taste and palate.

Here are some smart ways to spruce up your salads and add variety to your dishes!

Add fruit to salad greens. Consider adding fresh fruits like strawberries, blueberries, apples, or grapes. Or toss in some dried fruits like cranberries, apricots, and golden raisins.

Avocados, olives, and toasted nuts add a whole new taste dimension, not to mention some heart-healthy oils. Cooked whole grains such as hard wheat berries, quinoa, and bulgur add fiber. Beans or chickpeas add protein and fiber.

Choose from a variety of tasty greens: some are sweeter, like Boston, green and red leaf Romaine, Napa lettuce, and bok choy while others have a nutty or bitter

taste, like endive, radicchio, arugula, watercress, dandelion and spinach. Mix the tastes and textures and even throw in a few herbs like dill or cilantro so that each bite surprises your taste buds.

Pull your salad together with dressing. Choose a ginger dressing for Chinese chicken over a mix of crisp romaine and watercress. Try lime-cilantro vinaigrette for that steak, black bean, and avocado salad. You can make your own healthy vinaigrettes by infusing vinegars with some of your favorite herbs…and you can turn high-fat creamy dressings into healthier vinaigrettes. You’ll have a salad you’ll be proud to serve to your family and guests!

Here are a few salad recipes that are tasty, healthy and easy to make. Be brave and try incorporating any veggies you have at hand into any vegetable salad.

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Avocado-Corn Salsa This colorful salsa comes together in a snap with avocado, fresh corn and ripe tomatoes.

Delicious served with tortilla chips or any other cracker or just as a topping over your favorite green lettuce. Salads are refreshing and healthy as they are full of unsaturated fats and other healthy nutrients.

Ingredients

Directions Mix all ingredients in a bowl. Sprinkle lime juice and dressing over the salad and spoon into 4 individual bowls adding some crackers for dipping.

Preparation time 10 min

2 avocados diced 1 cup thawed frozen corn kernels 2 plum tomatoes, chopped 2 tsp chopped fresh cilantro/basil Lime juice, to taste Salt, to taste

Serves 4

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Fresh Corn Salad Ingredients 5 ears of corn, shucked ½ cup small-diced red onion (1 small onion) 3 Tbs apple cider vinegar or lemon juice 3 Tbs olive oil ½ tsp kosher salt ½ tsp garlic fresh chopped /powder 1/3 tsp freshly ground black pepper (optional) ½ cup chopped fresh basil leaves or Romaine lettuce

for 3 minutes until the starchiness is just gone. Drain and immerse it in ice water to stop the cooking and to set the color. When the corn is cool, cut the kernels off the cob, cutting close to the cob. Alternatively you can just shuck the fresh corn and use it raw.

Toss the raw or blanched kernels into a large bowl with the red onions, vinegar, olive oil, salt, and pepper. Just before serving, toss in the fresh Romaine/ basil. Taste for seasonings and serve cold or at room temperature.

Directions

Preparation time: 15 minutes

In a large pot of boiling salted water, cook the corn

Serves 4-6

44

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Corn and bean Salad I like to cook various beans when I have the time available and then freeze them in one pound containers, so I have them available for any recipe that calls for beans. The ingredients of this salad make it a full protein and a meal onto itself! Perfect for a quick meal!

Ingredients 6 cups torn romaine lettuce ½ lb/ 250 gr. Black beans, cooked, drained (or 19 fl oz/ 540 mL can) 1 cup chick peas cooked and drained 4 corns shucked from cob 1 red pepper cut in strips 1 yellow pepper cut in strips 1/4 cup vinaigrette dressing i.e. 3 Tbs. lemon juice , 3 Tbs. oil, salt, pepper and garlic powder to taste 1 cup broken tortilla chips Directions

COOK beans for two hours or until tender, adding salt and pepper and garlic powder to taste. For a quick fix canned beans can be used.

PLACE lettuce on serving platter or in bottom of glass serving bowl.

COVER with layers of bean, corn and red pepper.

DRIZZLE with dressing; sprinkle with chips.

Optional: Add feta cheese if serving with a dairy meal.

Cooking time for beans- two hours Assembly 15 minutes Serves 6

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45

Chinese Coleslaw with Peanut Dressing Summer is a great time to experiment with the various lettuces available this glorious season. My family favors Napa lettuce above all others.

It is easy to check; incidentally I have yet to find a bug on it! It’s sweet flavor lends itself to any salad!.

Ingredients 1 chilled head of green cabbage, outer leaves removed A wedge of purple cabbage, for color

4 Napa leaves ½ red onion sliced thinly ½ bunch Basil leaves washed and checked A handful of dry roasted unsalted peanuts Dressing ingredients 1/3 cup smooth unsalted organic roasted peanut butter 1-2 tsp extra virgin olive oil Juice from one big lime 1 Tbs coconut milk, as needed 1-2 tsp agave nectar/sugar to taste A pinch of ginger, to taste Sea salt, to taste Instructions Cut the cabbage in thirds; chop off the core section; and shred the wedges into thin strips. You can do this by hand with a large sharp chef knife or a grater/ shredder. Toss into a colander. Shred some purple cabbage, for color. Add it to the green cabbage. Rinse in cold water and pat dry. Dump the cabbage into a salad bowl.

Roughly cut off most of the Basil stems and add the cilantro into the bowl. Add sliced red onions Toss to distribute.

Make your dressing (I use a large glass measuring cup to whisk my salad dressings). Combine the peanut butter, olive oil, lime juice, and coconut milk and whisk till smooth. Add the agave, a little ginger, and sea salt, to taste.

If the dressing needs to be a little thinner, add more coconut milk or lime juice, a tablespoon at a time.

Taste test to balance the creamy, salty and tart flavors.

Pour the dressing onto the slaw and toss lightly until well coated. Cover and chill until serving.

Total Servings: 6

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Dairy Frozen Fruit Pops The most common treat for the kids during the summer are freeze pops that are commonly colored and sugar laden and downright bad for them especially since they are having so many a day!. These fruit pops are simple to create and will be a much better and healthier option for your children To make cone moulds, tear off 8 pieces of baking paper, each 15cm wide. Fold into cone shapes, making sure the pointed ends are closed, to prevent leakage.

Secure with scotch tape in a few places. Sit cones in glasses for support. The fruit pops are made by blending, in a food processor or blender, the diced flesh of the fruit of your choice with vanilla yoghurt,

to make a thick, smooth mixture. Each combination makes 2-3 cones. Feel free to double or triple the recipe and put them into ice pop molds available in dollar store outlets. We blended a ½ cup of yoghurt with, from left: 2 peeled, chopped bananas and 2 Tbs honey; 1 pint of rinsed and hulled strawberries and ½ cup of apple juice; 1 peeled and diced kiwi fruit and the flesh of a ¼ piece of honeydew melon.

Pour the mixture into the cones. Freeze until semi frozen, push a popsickle stick into pops and freeze overnight.

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Watermelon ice pops What can be better and healthier for everyone than real fruit on a stick? Kids will love the taste of these popsicle and you can dish them out freely knowing they are so healthy!

Ingredients 2 cups seedless watermelon chunks 5 Tbs lime juice, or to taste 1 Tbs honey/agave nectar, or to taste Popsicle mould Directions 48

Blend all the ingredients together until completely smooth. Taste and adjust flavors as needed. Strain through a sieve and pour into popsicle molds; insert handles. Freeze 5 hours or until set, preferably overnight.

To serve, run the molds quickly under warm water for 15 seconds and then gently twist the stick to release.

Serve immediately. Remember the golden rule: lick, don’t chew!

Enjoy a glorious and healthy summer!

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by Slovie Jungreis-Wolff

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y son emailed me a clip from ESPN titled “Danny’s Day” that touched me deeply. Danny Keefe, 7, is a high school football team water coach. Little Danny calls out, “Do you need a water?” But it is very difficult to understand his words.

Danny had a brain bleed after birth and suffers from apraxia, a miscommunication between the brain and muscles in the mouth. His father shares that the doctors were extremely pessimistic about Danny’s prognosis. “They said ‘whatever you do, don’t expect much. He may never walk. He may never talk.’”

Danny defied the odds. He has not only come to love life, he loves to dress colorfully as well. Since the age of two Danny insists on wearing a button down shirt, jacket, tie and often a fedora. In school, kids have made fun of Danny and bullied him. They could not understand his words; they could not understand his attire. “Hey, listen to this kid, he’s speaking Chinese!” they mocked. Danny’s mother cries as she describes his request to bring a world globe to school to show that he really does come from the same country. Danny is eager to make friends but kids in school have acted in hurtful ways. They took off Danny’s hat and threw it into the mulch and then they

52

threw mulch on his hair. Danny looks into the camera and says that this made him feel very sad.

Danny’s older brother Tim and his best friend, Tommy Cooney, play on the Bridgewater Badgers. Tommy is team quarterback. When he heard about the bullying Tommy decided to do something to boost Danny’s spirits. He got his football teammates and friends to declare ‘Danny Appreciation Day’. They dressed like Danny, wearing suits and hats and cheered his name, “Danny, Danny!” A fire truck came to pick Danny up and brought him to their school. The boys surrounded him with friendship; played football with him. When asked why they did this, Tim and Tommy responded: “To show that he’s a person too. He may dress differently or talk differently but he has feelings.” Danny describes the moment as “The most best day.”

The story went viral. Danny and Tommy were interviewed on TV. Tom Brady offered them tickets to the Patriots season finale commenting that we can all learn from the way these boys stuck up for their friend. One year later Danny is described as happy, feeling confident and still enjoying his job as water coach.

We all want to raise such kind kids

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who take a stand against bullying and show incredible compassion. Are we succeeding?

Why does it sometimes seem as if we are surrounded by selfish, self-absorbed kids?

The Message at Home A group at the Harvard Graduate School of Education led by Dr. Richard Weissbourd released the following information based on a study they conducted: About 80% of the youth in the study said that their parents were more concerned with their achievements or happiness than whether they cared for others. The interviewees were also three times more likely to agree with the statement that ‘my parents are prouder if I get good grades in my classes than if I’m a caring community member in class and school.’

Parents may believe that they’re sending the right message but only 20% of kids interviewed felt that their parents genuinely believe that caring for others is a greater priority than acquiring happiness or achievements. We are sending our children a mixed message: Yes, we want to raise moral and kind kids, but a successful, happy child is the real goal.

Perhaps we’ve become too consumed with our children’s accomplishments, neglecting the responsibility we have to mold them into more compassionate

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Here are some added strategies I suggest to help our children grow kinder: 1. Have you stressed grades and achievements over character?

This includes our emphasizing a child’s need to be happy.

Many parents have told me “the main thing is my kid’s happy.”

What about our child’s need to grow into a kinder human being?

Pay attention to your child’s interactions and how he treats others. Look beyond test scores, trophies and accomplishments.

Happiness cannot be acquired at the expense of a child’s soul.

2. Demonstrate Gratitude Selfishness grows when we have eyes only for ourselves.

Children can live in a home for years and hardly hear parents express appreciation to one another. Making dinner, driving carpool, taking out the trash, food shopping, providing for clothing and family vacations should never be taken for granted.

Just because we are ‘supposed’ to fill certain roles does not mean that we can take each other for granted. When children see us appreciating each other they understand that caring is a normal part of family life.

3. Don’t Feed Arrogance When kids dispose of friends easily or ignore invitations to birthday parties and sleepovers because the other child is unpopular and presumed to be a ‘loser,’ arrogance grows. Food servers, housekeepers, babysitters, bus drivers and doormen are examples of people who interact with our children almost daily but are often allowed to be treated shabbily; their feelings overlooked.

Children should never assume that it’s ok to be unkind. The same applies to the way parents and other family members are treated.

We should expect respectful tones and actions. An environment where parents are deemed annoying but convenient is a home that breeds chutzpah-disrespect. And in a place of insolence, empathy cannot flourish.

Kindness does not come automatically. A child may possess a compassionate character but without daily interactions and role models the sensitive spark within will dim. It is up to us to nourish our children’s souls and teach them that there is a world beyond high grades and achievements. This is the world where we can touch another, lift their spirits and allow them to soar. How much greater we will be as we soar along with them.

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beings. In a world where there is great pressure to perform, maintain a high grade average, and join after school activities and sports teams, where does kindness fit in? In our selfie society, how can we help them refocus on the needs and feelings of others?

Dr. Weissbourd and his team (Making Caring Common) recommend the following five tips to raise moral, caring children: Make caring for others a priority. Help children balance their needs with the needs of others.

Provide opportunities for children to practice caring and gratitude. Daily repetition makes caring second nature.

Expand your child’s circle of concern. Challenge your child to learn to care about someone outside his circle.

Be a strong moral role model and mentor. This means that parents practice being caring, honest and fair. We demonstrate how we want our children to live with others.

Guide children to manage destructive feelings. Dr. Weissbourd points out that our ability to care for others is often overwhelmed by negative feelings like shame, envy or anger. We need to help our children learn how to cope with these feelings productively.

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I continued giving Shore Magic to clients for 3 years and my conscience kept nudging me saying, “not enough people are being helped! This needs to be out in the world!� I knew no one could do this better than me because I am truly passionate about my Collagen. So I did it. I started on my mission to teach the world about Shore Magic Collagen. Nothing makes me happier than to help other people feel great in their daily life, pain-free and anxietyfree!!

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