Flatbush Buzz May 29 2016

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The Rabbis Are Coming DINI HARRIS

T

hroughout the generations, we have constantly prayed for our return to Eretz Yisrael, the land that “Hashem’s eyes are always upon.” But physical conditions in Eretz Yisrael were so harsh that it wasn’t until the middle of the 19th century that large numbers of Jews began immigrating to the Holy Land.

The Yishuv HaYashan in Yerushalayim consisted of upright, G-d-fearing Jews who dedicated their lives to spiritual pursuits and the study of Hashem’s Torah, and refused to allow the deplorable physical situation to hamper their achievements. This spiritual island remained secluded from the outside world for hundreds of years.

At the end of the 19th century, economic troubles and pogroms in Eastern Europe ignited an interest in Zionism. As a result, between 1882 and 1903, some 25,000 people immigrated to Palestine.

10

The majority of those immigrants were shomer Torah and mitzvos. Intent on settling the Land, many moved to outlying settlements.

But their enthusiastic work was not always initially successful. Hadera, for example, was established in 1891 by 20 religious families.

Over the next three decades the community buried 40% of its members, mostly victims of malaria. The community also faced marauding Bedouins and was harassed by the Ottoman government.

Desperate for help, some of these settlers turned to outside organizations for assistance.

Baron Edmond de Rothschild and his Jewish Colonization Association offered financial aid and technological knowhow to struggling settlements. However, this assistance often came at a steep price. Baron Rothschild had very strong opinions about the proper running of various settlement institutions. They often gained control of the schools by placing

modern teachers on the settlements. The religious settlers did not have the strength or ability to fight these secular influences.

The second immigration wave started in 1904. In contrast to the First Aliyah, the majority of these immigrants were idealistic young socialists who tried to create a communal agricultural settlement system in Palestine. Fired with enthusiasm, they slowly gained control of the settlements.

The Yishuv HaYashan was disturbed by the religious deterioration in the settlements.

But without cars or trains, the physical distance made outreach almost impossible.

Traveling by horse and buggy would take days and would require a large financial outlay. No one in the Yishuv HaYashan had the requisite funds to pay for such a trip.

Things changed in the early 1900s when produce from these settlements began to reach the Yerushalayim markets. Could the

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religious community eat this produce? Were the mitzvos hatiluyos b’aaretz observed in the irreligious settlements? Were terumos and maasros taken from these fruits and vegetables?

The rabbis sent Rabbi Bentzion Yadler, a tzaddik, talmid chacham and fascinating orator, to tour the settlements and guide the settlers in how to separate terumos and maasros. The reports that he brought back made it clear that further outreach work was critical.

Leading rabbanim volunteered to visit the settlements, and the Pekidim V’amraclim of Amsterdam agreed to fund the trip. The prestigious members of the Council for Elevating Religious Observance in the Holy Land included Rabbi Yaakov Moshe Charlop, Rabbi of Shaarei Chessed in Jerusalem; Rabbi Moshe Klariss, Chief Rabbi of Tiveria; Rabbi Baruch Marcus, Chief Rabbi of Chaifa; Rabbi Bentzion Yadler, Maggid; Rabbi Avraham Yitzchak HaKohen Kook, then Chief Rabbi of Yaffo; and Rabbi Yosef Chaim Sonnenfeld, legendary leader of the Yishuv HaYashan in Yerushalayim.

They set out on a month-long journey during which they visited 23 settlements.

Although the religious conditions varied in each location, over all, the situation was dismal. In Hadera, which had originally been established by religious families, there wasn’t even a daily minyan. The community elders managed to pull together a minyan only for Shabbos. The communal kitchen was completely treif, and in fact, the workers had refused a monetary grant since it would have required them to kasher the kitchen. Instead of studying Chumash, the young children were taught “Bible stories” and modern Hebrew. Some of them didn’t even know that Jewish people had rabbis and the concept of terumos and maasros was completely foreign to them.

Despite their religious apathy and sometimes antipathy, most of the communities warmly welcomed the rabbis. The settlers gathered to listen to the rabbis’ suggestions and even agreed to many of their demands. They reciprocated the rabbis’ outpouring of warmth and love by displaying esteem and respect.

The organizers of the trip reported that “unfortunately, we have taken this journey too late. However, much can still be accomplished.”

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The spiritual effects of the rabbis’ visit cannot be measured, but unfortunately long-term plans for further outreach were truncated by the outbreak of the World War I, which wreaked havoc throughout the world, and severely affected the yishuv in Yerushalayim. Faced with severe poverty, disease, and death, the religious issues of the agricultural settlements fell to the wayside.

Details of the historical journey were recorded by members of the delegation themselves. This journal was to be printed to inform people of the deplorable religious situation in the settlements and to raise the funds necessary to assist the settlers in

“The rabbis are coming!”

Excited shouts could be heard throughout the wooden shack that housed the farmhands in the Poriah settlement. building mikvaos and shuls and hiring proper teachers for their children. The printing of this journal was delayed due to the outbreak of the war. It was eventually printed with a preface describing the terrible anguish of the Yishuv HaYashan in the wake of the war, and encouraging donations to help the yishuv’s survival.

The following is an embellishment of a story recorded in the original journal.

q

T

he rabbis are coming!” Excited shouts could be heard throughout the wooden shack that housed the farmhands in the Poriah settlement.

Bemused, Chaya Leah Slutzky watched her comrades changing out of their dirtied work clothes in honor of the rabbis’ impending visit.

I can’t believe they’re getting so excited, she thought, resting her head on her pillow and closing her eyes. They claim that their new religion is socialism. I didn’t know that socialism believed in rabbis.

Chaya Leah turned over and tried to relax. Working in the almond fields day after day exhausted her. Back home in Orlik, Russia, she had been a student in the gymnasium. “Working the land” and “the benefits of physical labor” were nice slogans, but the actual work took a large toll on her body.

“Comrades, quiet down,” she begged her friends. “I want to rest.”

“Get up, Chaya Leah.” Her friend Esther playfully swatted at her with a hairbrush. “You’re always complaining that it’s so boring out here. Something’s finally happening. Get up and enjoy the excitement.”

Reluctantly, Chaya Leah allowed herself to be pulled out of bed and to join the young workers who had lined up by the entrance of the village to greet the rabbis. Mr. Goldman, the administrator of Poriah, stepped forward to greet the carriage.

Despite her apathy, Chaya Leah was awed by the majestic appearance of the rabbis as they alighted from the carriage. She studied their long beards and pei’os in curiosity.

At least the men from the settlement were all wearing hats. In honor of the visit, vacation had been declared. Chaya Leah straggled behind the rabbis as Mr. Goldman gave them a guided tour around the settlement. She couldn’t hear anything that the rabbis were saying, but something inside her pushed her to keep the rabbis in view as long as possible.

Craaaack! The sound of a gunshot startled Chaya Leah. A group of male workers ran up to tell Mr. Goldman that an Arab had tried to break into the sheep pen. Luckily, no one from the settlement had been hurt, and the thief had been caught before he was able to flee with the valuable animals.

Chaya Leah walked over to the communal dining room where the

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young people had gathered, singing enthusiastically.

As the rabbis approached the dining room, they spontaneously broke out into the popular song, “Adir Hu Yivneh HaGalil.”

The song died down as the rabbis entered the room.

Chaya Leah watched in amazement as the Chief Rabbi of Yaffo walked towards the center of the room to address the crowd. What could he say that would interest her irreligious friends?

Her eyes were drawn to the holiness that emanated from Rabbi Kook’s face as she listened carefully to his words.

She nodded in agreement as the rabbi discussed the chasm that had grown between the religious Yishuv HaYashan and the secular settlements.

The rabbi opened his arms wide, as if to embrace the listening crowd, and said, “Today the Yishuv HaYashan regrets this detachment. We open our arms to

12

welcome all of you into our fold.”

Chaya Leah looked around the dining room in wonder. Were these her antireligious, socialist cosettlers? The room was absolutely quiet as everyone present listened to the rabbi with rapt attention.

Rabbi Kook ended his speech with a plea that the young settlers draw closer to the Yishuv HaYashan by strengthening their religious observance. He spoke about the kedushah of the Jewish people and begged the young boys and girls to kasher their communal kitchen and start observing the rules of separating milk from meat.

Chaya Leah felt something churning inside her. What’s happing to me? she thought. She looked around, expecting to see her friends laughing at the rabbi’s suggestion. Kashrut was the kind of senseless ritual they ridiculed. But instead of snickering, they seemed to be carefully weighing his words.

She watched in incredulity, as the young settlers committed themselves to kashering their kitchen. They would be honored if on his

next visit the rabbi would be able to eat with them and partake of their kosher food.

Then Chaya Leah noticed Miriam, one of her friends, standing up in back of the room to get attention. “Before we know it…” Miriam began cynically. All eyes turned to her as she sarcastically finished her sentence, “…the rabbis are going to ask us to light Shabbos candles.”

Chaya Leah felt like crawling under her chair in embarrassment. What a shameful way to respond to these holy rabbis!

Rabbi Kook calmly and patiently returned to his former position in the middle of the room. “Please allow me to discuss another important issue,” he said, launching into a description of the beautiful and holy Shabbos, the tranquility of the day and the sanctity inherent in its observance.

“Every Jewish home is illuminated by this wonderful day,” he proclaimed.

“However, unkosher food contaminates the pure Jewish senses. People who eat treif lose their ability to perceive the sacred illuminations from the Shabbos candles.”

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“Now that you’ve committed yourselves to kashrus observance, your special neshamah yesirah will begin to shine, and your eyes will also merit to see the ohr haganuz in the Shabbos candles.”

Chaya Leah sat transfixed by the rabbi’s words. Sanctity… spirituality…

Shabbos… these were concepts that she had never heard discussed. She was mesmerized and ready to do whatever he asked of her.

The end of his speech brought her straight back to reality: the communal dining room filled with her irreligious, socialist colleagues. She looked around, but she hardly recognized the riotous, joke-cracking, irreverent group she knew.

She saw serious faces, thoughtful looks and signs of introspection. Maybe she wasn’t the only one affected by the rabbi’s powerful words.

Oh, no! Chaya Leah couldn’t bear to look. Miriam was standing up again.

Should she run over and stop her rude remarks before she could say them?

This time, however, Miriam’s abrasive stance had become more humble. She

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spoke in a quieter voice, and her deep-felt emotions were apparent to all. “Rebbe, Rebbe, I promise you that from now on, we will light the Shabbos candles!”

Miriam’s public renouncement of her former cynical attitude and her sharp about-face affected her comrades as much as the rabbi’s holy words had. Nothing more needed to be said.

The young settlers silently left the dining room and drifted off to different parts of the settlement to mull over their feelings.

Chaya Leah went back to their sleeping quarters. To think that just that very morning she had been lying in bed scoffing at the upcoming visit! But the rabbis’ visit had plumbed the depths of her soul, a soul of whose existence she had been virtually unaware. It may be the same bed, she thought, but I’m a different person.

Would the dual commitment to observing kashrus and lighting Shabbos candles be sufficient to quiet all the churning inside her? Chaya Leah wasn’t sure.

Maybe she would travel to Yerushalayim to see these rabbis once again. Maybe she should plan an extended stay there. Of one thing she was sure, though: the stirring inside of her would take her to places that she had never before imagined, and she was ready and willing to take the journey.

After midnight she stood with her friends at the entrance of the settlement to say good-by to the esteemed rabbis. They watched silently as the rabbis’ carriage drove out, flanked by eight accompanying soldiers on horseback.

Not long afterwards, the rabbis received a report that the communal kitchen in Poriah had been kashered. That was one of the concrete, measurable outcomes of their massive efforts to reach their estranged brethren. However, many other echoes of their visit still resound today, many generations later. Chaya Leah, her children, her grandchildren and her great-grandchildren all point to that visit as the source of all the spiritual beauty that enriched and continues to enrich their lives as Torahobservant Jews.

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magine leafing through the folios of the first edition of the Talmud, printed in Venice in 1520. Picture yourself reading letters written in the holy handwriting of Torah giants like Rabbi Chaim Soloveitchik, Rabbi Yisrael Salanter, or Admorim like the Sfas Emes of Ger. Visualize a sefer used by the Chasam Sofer with margins full of his holy glosses. Imagine reading broadsides issued by gedolim like the Chafetz Chaim or Rabbi Chaim Ozer Grodzinski that hung in shtetls in Europe.

For many of us, these are just remarkable daydreams, but for a growing number of people the idea of owning and utilizing antique fine Judaica, books and manuscripts is a reality. Once pursued only by the fashionable few, Judaica collecting is a hobby that has recently been adopted by a growing percentage of Jewish people.

Yitzchak, an expert on Jewish history and antiques, asserts that no matter what their religious background, all collectors share one common characteristic: highly developed sentimental feelings. “People who approach life mathematically don’t connect to collecting. Collecting is for people who want to feel with their own hands a connection to hundreds of years of history.”

“It’s hard to say that we feel a connection to archeology, to the coins from the Bayis Sheini or to the Canaanite era, but we do have feelings for the era of the Chasam Sofer, the Baal Shem Tov, and the Gaon of Vilna.

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“The emotional connection is evident in the shine in the eyes of the person who picks up a book, document or manuscript connected to the era for which he feels a special affinity.”

JuDaica WHeeling anD Dealing Along with the growing number of Judaica collectors there is a corresponding increase in Judaica dealers. Many such dealers work privately on a piece-by-piece basis.

On occasion they acquire particular antiques, confident that they will find a willing buyer. On other occasions they work as middlemen, brokering a deal on a specific item between a seller and buyer on a commission basis.

In the past, Judaica treasures were discovered in forgotten corners, like people’s attics, old shuls, or even in geniza. Nowadays, however, people are aware of the value of antiques and most have already been discovered, evaluated and sold. A large proportion of Judaica items sold today stem from private collections. Whole libraries are sold after collectors’ deaths, and the collectors themselves sometimes sell individual pieces for a variety of reasons, including lack of space or monetary interests.

Judaica collectors are aware of the proliferation of counterfeit and stolen pieces on the market, and are careful to purchase items from reputable dealers.

Often antiques are accompanied by “provenance” – documentation confirming the item’s authenticity and information regarding its origin.

Expert professors and bibliographers inspect rare books and manuscripts to designate their authors and the time period in which they were written.

Traditionally, antiques are sold by public auction. Zehava has been working with a Judaica auction house for over a decade. She explains that it is difficult to designate a market value for Judaica antiques, since many items are one-of-a-kind and the prices are strongly influenced by the condition of the item and, of course, demand and interest.

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“By placing an item for sale at auction, a seller ensures that his item will receive optimal publicity. If the item is sold privately, you would never know whether there was another buyer willing to pay more for the same item.”

Auction houses publish catalogues prior to each sale which they distribute to collectors, dealers and large public and university libraries.

These catalogues provide relevant historical information and a condition report for each lot. There are a number of auction houses that deal specifically with Judaica, but even larger, better

“The emotional connection is evident in the shine in the eyes of the person who picks up a book, document or manuscript connected to the era for which he feels a special affinity.” known, auction firms like Christie’s and Sotheby’s have dedicated Judaica departments.

Exhibitions open to the public a few days prior to the auction.

Interested collectors and agents are invited to personally inspect the items to ascertain that they correspond with the catalogue descriptions.

The auctions themselves are upscale events. They are conducted on the auction house’s premises only if they are sufficiently posh and luxurious.

If not, they are arranged in hotels or at other high-end venues.

Zehava describes the atmosphere during the auction itself. “A typical auction can have anywhere between 200 to 500 lots for sale. The opening bids for these lots can be as low as $100 or as high, or higher than, $100,000.”

“The first bidder raises his hand by the opening bid—let’s say at $1,000.

Then other competitors join in the fray. At this price, they raise their bids by $100. On occasion a bidder really wants the item, so he’ll just shout a much higher price like $3,000. One rule regarding auctions is that there are no rules. It’s impossible to predict beforehand what’s going to happen.

“Competitive human nature adds to the excitement. It’s hard for some bidders to stop bidding even if they’ve reached the maximum price that they believe the item is worth, and they’ll continue bidding just because they feel a primal need to win.”

JuDaica collections While the high prices realized on some of the items make auctions exciting, there are many collectors who don’t invest this type of money in their collections. Most collectors choose an area of interest around which their collection revolves. Collectors with more limited means collect items with less expensive price tags.

There are endless themes upon which to base a Judaica collection.

Haggadahs are a popular choice.

Thousands of Haggados were printed since the advent of the printing press, and most of the Haggados printed within the last hundred years can be purchased at relatively low prices.

There are collections based on specific locations, such as items related to Budapest, Hungary; particular gedolim, like all seforim and paraphernalia connected to the Vilna Gaon; a particular chassidus, such as Ger, Vizhnitz, or Komarno; Chanukah

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menorahs; rimonim for sifrei Torah; autographs of Torah giants; paintings

by Jewish artists; Jewish postcards and much more.

There are no statistics regarding the size of the average Judaica collection. Most collectors relegate their collections as a side hobby on which they spend their spare time and occasional “fun money.”

However, a talk with Rabbi Papenheim of Jerusalem gives us a glimpse into the world of a full-time collector. His response to a question regarding the size of his collection gives us the first indication of the magnitude of his collection. He brushed off mention of Haggados with the comment, “Our Haggadah department is small. We have only about 3,500 Haggados.”

He focused his description on the other, more developed, departments of his collection. “One department is dedicated to the Tanach in art. Of course, I don’t have the original art piece, because that would cost billions of dollars But, I have reproductions.

It’s organized according to the perakim in Tanach. It’s a fascinating study.

How did the Europeans picture Hagar being banished from Avraham’s house?

I have reproductions from Brias HaOlam through the destruction of the Bayis Sheini.”

Another major department revolves around Jewish history. Every single location which once hosted a Jewish community has a file. “I collect information regarding these locations; when did the Jews first reach this community, when was the cemetery established, etc. I have 60,000 volumes within this library, besides for albums and files with documents and excerpts from articles and newspapers regarding these communities.”

Rabbi Papenheim’s collection is so extensive that it is housed in a separate building. It is in effect a small museum, and was at one point open to the public.

Rabbi Papenheim’s collection is especially unique in light of

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the fact that he is a venerated talmid chacham and askan in the chareidi community. “Usually art experts have a weak connection to Torah, and bnei Torah are not usually interested in art. I was born in Europe and I have the secular knowledge along with Torah knowledge. I think that I’m the only history expert with a Torah viewpoint. I was once at a convention where a gentile professor discussed the influence of Chazal and the Midrashim on non-Jews. His speech contrasted that of a famous Jewish professor, whose speech asserted that Judaism was influenced by Christianity.”

...Rabbi Papenheim’s collection is especially unique in light of the fact that he is a venerated talmid chacham and askan in the chareidi community....

Yitzchak, the Jewish history expert mentioned previously, sees a direct relationship between Judaica collecting and an affinity for the Jewish religion.

He claims that even nonreligious collectors are interested in items related to religion and notes a declining interest in nonreligious Jewish collecting.

“Twenty years ago people were still interested in collecting items relating to Zionism and Zionist leaders like Herzl and Nordau. However, this interest has dwindled over the years. Collecting indicates that someone places value on the items in their collection. Today, no one values this nonreligious history.

Ten years ago a letter written by Ben Gurion or Herzl would have sold at a high-price at auction. Today, it would bring only a few hundred dollars.

interesting JuDaica iteMs The world of Judaica collecting is fascinating and multifaceted.

Zehava provided us with some of the background of a few of the more intriguing items that she remembers sold at auction.

“I’m fascinated by the historical aspects of the items sold. The Jews never lived quietly. There were always laws and edicts that applied solely to the Jews. They were expelled from cities and countries, and faced antiSemitic rulers. Even within the Jewish community themselves there was often excitement and controversy like polemics between two Torah scholars.

Many of the items sold at auction relate to these historical periods and events.”

One interesting collection that was sold in recent years was the archive of Rabbi Shmuel Salant, the uncontested leader of the Yishuv HaYashan in Yerushalayim at the end of the 1800s.

The Ashkenazic community was comprised of many individuals and groups from Western and Eastern Europe. Due to their diverse customs and backgrounds, it was difficult to forge these groups into a collective structure.

During Rav Salant’s leadership there was a renewed

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interest in the Zionist movements and anti-Semitic pogroms in Russia, both of which generated a large increase of immigration to Eretz Yisrael.

These new immigrants tried to influence various aspects of the ultraOrthodox yishuv, beginning with their school systems. The fact that Rabbi Salant was recognized as the final authority by all factions of the Ashkenazic community effectively battled the Zionist influence and maintained the integrity of the Yishuv HaYashan.

including the suggestions that Rabbi Chaim Soloveitchik of Brisk and Rabbi Eliezer Gordon of Telz take over the position.

This archive was passed down from father to son in the Salant family.

Just recently it was discovered on a

Rabbi Shmuel Salant worried lest his death provide the breach that would allow Zionist influences to make inroads in the Yishuv HaYashan.

After much deliberation, and with the assistance of Rabbi Chaim Ozer Grodzinski, he appointed the Aderes, Rabbi Dovid Rabinowitz-Teumim, as his assistant and successor.

Unfortunately, the Aderes passed away after only four years in Yerushalayim, prior to the death of Rabbi Shmuel Salant, who was 89 years old at the time.

With no other choice, Rabbi Shmuel Salant again began to search for a successor. Regretfully, no suitable candidates accepted the position and his passing did indeed leave a breach at this critical juncture in Yerushalayim history. The Zionists gained considerable influence in the city, until Rabbi Yosef Chaim Sonnenfeld agreed to take upon himself the position a few years later.

The archive features letters written by various Torah giants to Rabbi Shmuel Salant over a ten-year period.

It contains a letter written by Rabbi Chaim Ozer regarding Rabbi Yitzchak Blazer’s immigration to Yerushalayim, a condolence letter that Rabbi Chaim Ozer sent to Rabbi Shmuel after the death of the Aderes, and discussions of a suitable successor for the Aderes —

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nonreligious kibbutz in the home of a secular descendant of Rabbi Shmuel Salant. It was auctioned off letter by letter, to the great delight of manuscript and autograph collectors.

Another historic lot that was sold recently at auction featured two signet rings of Rabbi Shalom Sharabi, the Rashash. The Rashash was one of the most prominent mekubalim since the time of the Arizal. He was born in Yemen and travelled to Eretz Yisrael. The story is told that at first he took great pains to conceal his vast Torah knowledge and served as the shamash in the renowned Beit El Yeshiva of mekubalim.

After a time, the talmidei chachamim in

the yeshiva began to find highly developed Kabbalistic thoughts that answered questions posed during their daytime Torah discussions left in a drawer in the yeshivah. Eventually it was discovered that it was the shamash, the Rashash, who had left these notes. He was then eagerly accepted into the Beit El Yeshiva and eventually took over the helm of the institution after the death of its previous rosh yeshivah, Rabbi Gedalya Chiyun.

The Rashash was especially renowned as a miracle worker and many people were saved on account of his tefilos, segulos and amulets.

The first ring in the auction lot was a signet ring that he used to officially stamp documents.

The second ring was a unique segulah ring featuring the initials of the tefillah “Ana B’Koach,” forming Kabbalistic names that the Rashash used to help bring about yeshuos for the many people who came to him begging for salvation.

The rings were sold by the Rashash’s grandchildren to another prominent mekubel, Rabbi Yosef Hoffman. He also used them to generate yeshuos. A few months ago, his descendants commissioned an auction house to sell the rings for them.

“One of the most interesting aspects of the lot was its high price tag. The opening bid was set for $180,000 and it was sold at auction for $185,000.”

Such high-end Judaica collecting is obviously not for the average collector, but as discussed, there are many types of Judaica collections with appropriate themes relevant for each and every person. So, if you have an interest in touching history, in feeling it and having it come alive, turn to your local Judaica dealer for advice on starting your own collection.

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THE RABBI’S

Marriage Manual A famous non-Jewish woman once came to me for advice about her marriage problems. At the end of our discussion, I asked, “Did you consult your priest about this?”

“Yes, I did,” she replied.

“What did he tell you to do?”

“Pray.”

“And did you?”

“Yes, of course.”

“So what happened?” I asked.

“The prayer didn’t work, so I went back to the priest.”

“What did he say?”

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“He said, ‘Pray harder.’”

“And?” “That didn’t work either, so I came to you.”

My response: “Giving advice about marriage must be quite a challenge for someone who’s never been married!”

Sometime later, one of the members of my synagogue came to speak with me. Although I had spent hours counseling him, his marriage was a mess. “Rabbi,” he asked me in despair, “what do you suggest I do now?”

My response: “Pray.”

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RABBI AARON LAINE

I

AM A PRACTICING RABBI. OVER THE YEARS that I have spent counseling hundreds of couples with marriage problems, I’ve come to the conclusion that there is a need for a system to help people improve their relationships. It’s vital to keep families whole and healthy, both for the welfare of society in general and for the Jewish people in particular. It just makes sense. How can a lifestyle be considered good and healthy when the marriages associated with it are falling apart and kids are growing up in broken homes?

The information that I am providing will help you to understand your own behavior as well as the behavior of your spouse. By working on yourself, you’ll become a better husband or wife and your relationship will automatically improve.

But first, I’d like to ask a question. Marriage has been around since the beginning of mankind, yet, in so many cases, it’s far from ideal. On the other hand, man’s accomplishments in the fields of technology, medicine and the sciences are unbelievable. We have developed the technology to enable help people with severe disabilities to communicate and manipulate objects by using their brainwaves. We have objects with properties that alchemists could only dream of. We’ve sent people to outer space, not as scientists, but as tourists.

Yet despite all these advances, virtually every couple, beginning with Adam and Eve in the Garden of Eden, had to overcome issues to make their marriage work. Why haven’t we discovered a method to make the most fundamental institution in society work?

Addressing the Challenge

It’s not like we haven’t tried. Some of the greatest philosophers, acclaimed psychologists and knowledgeable therapists have addressed the challenge. Over the course of time, they have produced — and still are producing — tens of thousands of pages filled with ideas and advice on how to make a marriage work. Yet my guess is that many of them are divorced or dissatisfied with their own marriages.

The reason is obvious. Most people don’t follow the advice and suggestions given by the experts. Why? Because to do so requires effort, dedication and commitment. Rabbi MaMAGAZINE

nis Friedman, author of Doesn’t Anyone Blush Anymore and an acclaimed expert in the field of marriage counseling, put it this way, “For marriage to work, first you need to be willing to divorce yourself…from yourself.”

It’s hard to make behavioral changes and break addictive habits like smoking and drinking. Changing our nature is even more difficult, yet it can be done.

Let’s begin by exploring some of the most common phrases used to describe problem relationships. These phrases include: “Lack of communication” — a politically correct code for “Men have a difficult time communicating. They prefer to manage their problems alone, and aren’t accustomed to sharing their feelings.”

“Unrealistic expectations” — translated, this expression means, “When I married him, I was positive that he’d make me feel loved, cherished and cared for. But now I discovered that men don’t do those things. I expected him to be a real gentleman. Instead, he’s focused on his work, passionate about his hobbies and close to his friends. I not only feel neglected, I am neglected!”

“Constant commands and complaints” — the masculine definition for requests that range from picking up your socks to helping the kids with their homework to spending more quality time with the wife.

Are you ready to give up? Don’t! Experience has taught me that each of these grievances is a smoke screen for a core problem. Find and resolve the core problem and the symptoms will disappear.

Let me give an example to illustrate the benefit of understanding the core problem. Suppose you have a child who is bright and intelligent but is not doing well in school. You would naturally be upset and form different theories as to why your child is failing. Depending on how you were raised, you might blame the child for a lack of effort and interest.

If the problem continues, you might use rewards or punishments to pressure the child. You might accuse the teacher or school of not properly addressing the issue.

You’d view the problem completely differently, however, if you found out that your child needs glasses or has a chronic hearing problem, is dyslexic or is hyperactive.

Instead of trying to control the symptoms, you’d address the cause.

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Learning to Be Happy

So let’s begin by addressing the problem of happiness.

I once asked a group of students, “How long does it take to become a lawyer?”

“Four years,” someone said.

“A doctor with a specialty?”

“Ten years,” was the reply.

“And what’s more difficult, being a lawyer, a doctor or a spouse?”

“A spouse,” was the overwhelming response.

“Before we get married, how much time do we devote to learning about relationships?”

“None.”

“Isn’t that absurd?” I asked. “Wouldn’t it make sense to spend some time prior to marriage to learn how to make it a success?”

Someone in the audience shouted, “Then no one would ever get married!”

If I were to ask you, “What are you looking for in life?” how would you respond? Do you desire peace? Money? Power? Health? Happiness? All of the above?

No matter what you respond, it usually boils down to one thing — happiness. A lack of health or peace impacts my happiness. An inability to pay the rent, grocery bill or children’s school creates anxiety, which affects our ability to be happy.

Now that we know that we’re looking for happiness, how do we go about obtaining it? Can we buy it in the mall? Does it have a price?

As absurd as it sounds, many people actually believe happiness is a commodity that can be purchased. They confuse a moment of fun or pleasure with happiness and spend their money trying to find it. Eventually they become addicted to the high of buying something new, so when the rush is over, they have to run out to buy or do something else. This is similar to a person who is addicted to a chemical substance. He’s addicted to the substance, but why did he take the drug in the first place? Because he wanted to feel happy and confused a quick high for the feeling of true happiness.

Are some people just born happy while others don’t stand a chance? It would seem so. Just as there are optimists and pessimists, extroverts and introverts, there also exist people

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who are naturally happier then others. Yet, although some people have a naturally happy disposition, unless there’s a chemical imbalance or disorder that requires treatment, every human being can be happy. True, in some circumstances it requires more effort. But happiness is definitely within every person’s reach.

I would like to point out that according to Judaism happiness is not a destination. Instead, it’s a process that enables us to successfully reach our destination. The Torah says, “Ivdu es Hashem b’simchah, serve Hashem in joy.” The goal is to serve G-d to the best of our ability, and that can only happen if we are happy with what we are doing.

Practical Steps to Being Happy

Happiness is a process. Since it doesn’t cost anything, it’s not dependent on our standard of living or socio-economic level. However, for most of us, it takes continual practice to integrate happiness as a natural part of our lives. Here are a few exercises to help you achieve happiness (at least until you read the newspaper or turn on the radio or computer!).

1. Keep count. At night, before going to sleep, think of three good things that happened during the day and analyze how and why they occurred. At the end of the week, review all the good things that happened to you that week.

2. Enjoy life. Take time to savor (and be thankful for) the things in life you enjoy, such as a warm shower, a good breakfast or a sunny day.

3. Set an achievable goal and then go for it! It doesn’t have to be earth shattering. It could be something as simple as eating cottage cheese instead of lasagna for lunch. But if you set a goal and meet it, you will feel happy.

4. Make someone smile. Practice random acts of kindness. Make sure to perform different acts each day so that it doesn’t become habitual. The more you help others to be happy, the happier you’ll become.

Happiness is the first ingredient in the formula for a healthy marriage. Stay tuned for the next installment…

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Creamy Cashew Nuts in a smoothie? You bet. Cashews add texture and healthy fats to your drink, which helps keep blood sugar spikes at bay.

SERVINGS: 1 ¼ c cashews 1 medium frozen banana 1 c fat-free milk 2 Tbs wheat germ 1 tsp honey 3 ice cubes Combine ingredients in a blender and blend until smooth. Pour into a cup and decorate with a slice of banana. Enjoy this drink with a spoon for enhanced health benefits

Kiwi Parfait Low-sugar, high-fiber foods like kiwis with their high Vitamin C content help fill you up, and this single smoothie packs in all the recommended fiber for the whole day.

SERVINGS: 1 1 Tbs chia seeds 1 Tbs water 1½ c fresh kiwi ½ c silken tofu 1 c water 3 ice cubes Directions STIR together chia seeds and 1 Tbs water in a small bowl until they form a gel (about 2 min). COMBINE chia mixture and all ingredients in a blender and blend until smooth. Pour into a cup and decorate with a slice of kiwi. Enjoy this drink with a spoon for enhanced health benefits.

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Tropical Twister This dairy-free, vegan smoothie contains nutrient-dense kale, and delivers a healthy balance of filling protein, fiber, and fat.

SERVINGS: 1 ¾ c frozen mango chunks ⅔ c frozen pineapple chunks 1 c chopped kale ½ scoop (18 g) vanilla pea protein 1½ c unsweetened coconut milk 1 tsp honey 3 ice cubes Directions Combine ingredients in a blender and blend until smooth. Pour into a cup and decorate with a slice of kiwi. Enjoy this drink with a spoon for enhanced health benefits.

Raw Green Machine Low energy-density foods like pears, cucumbers, and apples contain few calories per volume. Hemp seeds add vegetarian-friendly protein.

SERVINGS: 1 1 med pear 1 small green apple 1 small cucumber 3 Tbsp raw hemp seeds/or chia seeds Juice from ½ lemon 20 sprigs fresh parsley 1 cup water Directions STIR together chia seeds or Hemp seeds and 1 Tbs water in a small bowl until they form a gel (about 2 min). Combine ingredients in a blender and blend until smooth. Pour into a cup and decorate with a slice of green apple or a lemon slice. Enjoy this drink with a spoon for enhanced health benefits.

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PB & Chocolate Power Breakfast Protein is a proven satiator, and this powerhouse packs in 25 grams—more than half the daily recommended amount of protein.

SERVINGS: 1 1 med banana ½ c fat-free plain Greek yogurt 1 c milk 1 Tbsp cocoa powder 1 Tbsp natural peanut butter 6 ice cubes Directions Combine ingredients in a blender and blend until smooth. Pour into a cup and decorate with a slice of banana. Enjoy this drink with a spoon for enhanced health benefits.

Blueberry Avocado Blitz Healthy fats from avocado are perfect for smoothies— they not only help with satiety, they add texture and flavor.

SERVINGS: 1 2 c baby spinach 1 c blueberries ⅔ c pineapple chunks ½ small avocado ½ scoop (18 g) vanilla pea protein 1 c water Directions Combine ingredients in a blender and blend until smooth. Pour into a cup and decorate with a slice of pineapple. Enjoy this drink with a spoon for enhanced health benefits.

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Cherry Cheesecake Smoothie Cherry cheesecake Cherries add a sweet taste, which studies have linked to satiety and the ricotta delivers plenty of fill-you-up protein.

SERVINGS: 1 ½ c part-skim ricotta cheese 1½ c fresh pitted cherries 1½ c unsweetened vanilla almond milk Juice of ½ lemon 1 Tbs ground flaxseed Directions Combine ingredients in a blender and blend until smooth. Pour into a cup and decorate with a slice of pineapple. Enjoy this drink with a spoon for enhanced health benefits.

Berry Cream sickle Avocado and Greek yogurt give this berry blast a thick, creamy texture for added satiety.

SERVINGS: 1 ¾ c frozen blueberries 1 c frozen strawberries ½ avocado ½ c fat-free plain Greek yogurt ½ c orange juice Directions Combine ingredients in a blender and blend until smooth.

Pour into a cup and decorate with a slice of pineapple.

Enjoy this drink with a spoon for enhanced health benefits

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Peachy ‘n’ Cream This simple four-ingredient smoothie has a creamy texture and plenty of protein to crush cravings.

SERVINGS: 1 1½ c frozen sliced peaches 1 container (6 oz) fat-free vanilla Greek yogurt 1 c vanilla coconut milk 2 tsp maca powder Directions Combine ingredients in a blender and blend until smooth. Pour into a cup and decorate with a slice of pineapple. Enjoy this drink with a spoon for enhanced health benefits.

A healthy summer to all our readers!

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