campus magazine

IT’S EVERYTHING BUT PORN

APRIL 2013

Dedicated to Bassem Youssef

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IN THIS ISSUE IN THIS ISSUE

Feature 10 Ways to Get out of the Country 14 Sane is Boring Underscore 20 An Ode to Smoking 24 Cyber Trolls

Bare Naked 26 An Interview with Reem Khorshid: The Girl Who Will Listen Opinionated 30 It Wouldn’t Kill You to Take a Joke 32 Korba, Zamalek, Rehab... Victims of the “Profit Zone” 34 We Might As Well Be Strangers 36 A State of Rokhs 2013 38 Beautiful Lies Patterns 42 The Stretch Mark Dilemma 44 The Country that Killed Summer Clothes The Gay Section 46 How to Win a Breakup Screens, Shelves & Speakers 48 Berlioz was Tripping

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facebook.com/campusmagazine @campusmaglive Chairman Shady Sherif

Editor-in-Chief Awad El-Ghannam

Managing Editor Wessam Sherif

Creative Director Leila Tapozada

Junior Editor

Youssef Saad Eldin

Business Development Ismaeel Khoudeir

Media Executive Eslam Abd Elalim

Financial Manager Ehab A. Aziz

APRIL 2013

Chief Accountant Sherif El Haggar

Accountant Ahmed Serag

Office Manager Sylvia Peter

Office Assistants Ibrahim Mansour Mohamed Eid

IT Manager Ahmed Saher

Production Executive Manager Sherif Mahmoud

Distribution Manager Shazly Eid

IT’S EVERYTHING BUT PORN

Distribution

Abdelhamed Fathy Ashraf Ramadan Gamal Moustafa Karim Ibrahim Ramy Afifi Ragab Fathy Aly Afifi Mahmoud El Araby Mahmoud Samir

Sr. Art Director Khaled Khidr

Graphic Designer Bassem Raafat

Writers & Contributors

Heliopolis

69, Adidas (El-Marghany), Africana Café, C&CO (Horreyya St- El Korba), Belino Café, Blueberry (Ard El Golf ), Beano's Café (British Council – El Korba – Airport – British University), Charleston Café, Cortigiano, Café Mo, Cairo International Airport, Coffee Roastery, Colors, Cat, Diwan Bookstore, Diadora, Desire, Every Man’s Bookstore, Farah Café , Flower Market, G Live, Genga Café, Gelateria Roma Café, Harris Café, Gallery Bel3araby (El Nozha St.), House Café , Hope Flowers, Hot Pink, In Flower, Hyper Original, Khodier, Rosso Cafe, IIPennello Ceramic Café, Kan Zaman Restaurant, Le Rince, Linea, La Cassetta Retaurants, Makani, McDonalds, Mobil Mart, Mori Sushi (Salah Salem), Milk, Musicana (El Korba), Munchies Café, No Name, Nuts @ Nuts, Occo, One 4 all, Polka Dolka, Pottery Café, Schatz Café, Smart Gym (Sheraton & Ard El Golf), Roma Café, Shell Mart, Salah Beauty Salon, STR8, Spicy, Style Gym, Tres Bon, Up 2 Date, Viking Cafe, World Gym, Waffle Point, Zein, L’Aubergine

Nasr City

Adidas(Genina mall), Aroma Lounge (City Stars), Beano's Café (City stars – Makram Ebeid – Abbas El Akkad), Beka, Calvin Klein Jeans (City Stars), Casper & Gambini's, C&Co (City Stars – Geneina Mall), Esprit (City Stars), Farah Café (Geneina Mall), Le Gourment Marche, Kenouz Restaurant, ISI (City Stars), Martino, McDonalds (Abbas el Akkad), Musica (Abbas el Akkad), My Day Cafe, Pascucci Café, Ravin, Spicy (City Center - Geneina Mall) ,Virgin Megastore

Mohandiseen

Adidas/Timberland (Lebanon Street, Gezeeret Al Arab Street), Beano's Café (Gameat El Dowal Street), Beau Jardin Café, Bershka (Gezeeret Al Arab Street), Café Mo, Cedars café , C& Co, Café Bean (Aswan Sq.), Cocolina (Syria Street), Ciccio Café, Cilantro, Mohamed El Sagheer, Cocolina, Dar Al Balsam Bookstore, Diwan, Eventya Flowers, Laguna Café, L`Aroma Café, Makani, Marsh Café, McDonalds, Mori Sushi, Multi Stores, Non Bookstore, Pasqua Café, Quick24, Renaissance Library, Safari Café, Samia Alouba, Silviana Heach, Solitaire Café, Shoe Room, Scoop Café, Second Cup, Spectra, Spicy, Sports Café, Tommy Hilfiger, Toy Story, Trianon Café, Tornado Café, Volume One, Zarina, Zee Lounge, P 75, Al Dar, Café De Fiori

Downtown & Mokattam

AUC Bookstore, Beano's Café, Beymen, Cilantro, Maktabet El Balad, McDonalds (Tahrir), Balady

Dokki

Ahl Cairo, Adidas, Beano's Café (British Council), Coffee Roastery, Dar Al Balsam Bookstore, Mr. Joe, Makani, Korista Café, Momento, La Boutique, Orange, Quick24, Retro, Spicy, Tabasco, Zein, Zarina

Zamalek

Al Akhbar Bookstore, Arabica, Beano's Café, Coffee Bean, Cilantro, Cocolina, Crave, Diwan Bookstore, Euro Deli, FDA, 69, Gardenia Flowers, Goal, Googan Bookstore, Kodak Express, L'Aubergine, Makani, Mezza Luna, Mobil Mart, Mohamed El Sagheer, Mori Sushi, Munchies, Orangette, Tabasco, Quick 24, Ravin’, Romancia Bookshop, Sequoia, WIF, Zamalek Bookshop, Van Gogh Bookshop, Zafir

Maadi

Amy Quotb Eman Omar May Kamel Menna Alaa Menna Tarek Mirette Osama Noha Youssef Mohamed Adel Sherif Elmashad Summer Nazif

Adidas, Adam Bookstore, Arthur Murray, Bakier Stationary, Bander Café, Beanos, Beau Jardin, Books & Books, Beta Bookshop, Bookspot, Caj, Euro Deli, Cat, Condetti, Chilis, Coffee Roastery, Gengra Café, Greco, Costa Coffee, El Shader, Dunes Lounge, Ghazala Stationary, Green Mill, Gudy, Kotob Khan, Kiwi, Honest Bookshop , I Spot , La Gourmandise, Makani, McDonalds, Mediterraneo Restaurants, Reebok, Renaissance Library, Rigoletto, Samia Alouba, Second Cup, Shell Shop, Shoe Room, Spectra,The Bakery, Timberland, Volume One

Cover Credits

Beano's, Byblos Café (Dandy Mall), Café Mo, McDonalds, Mexicana Café, Mori Sushi (Dandy Mall), Second Cup, Shell Shop, Solitaire, Sans Soucis Café, Trianon

Bassem Rafaat

CTP & Printing

Sahara Printing Company

Campus Magazine's Address 24 Abdelmenim Riyad St. Mohandiseen Tel: 3749 8730/3 Fax: 3749 8736

Emails

mail@core-publications.net info@core-publications.net customerservice@core-publications. net sales@core-publications.net

October City

El Rehab & Fifth Settlment

Food Court (Le Reve Grand Café, Jounich Café, Gauchos Café, Mercato Italiano), AUC Bookstore

Giza & Haram

Beano's, Dar El Shorouk, Mexicana Café, Polo Shop

Alexandria

24Seven Café, Adidas & Timberland (Syria st, - City Center), Banna Stationary, 24/7 Café, Adidas/Timberland, Banna Stationary, Beano's, Cillomo Café, C&CO, Cilantro, Coffee Roastery, Deekom, Mazaya, McDonalds, Quiksilver, The Sixties Café, Tamarin Center, Rapo

Tanta

Axon, Pizza Station, La Plato Café

ALEXANDRIA CITY CENTRE / 03 3970235 C I T Y S TA R S / 0 2 2 4 8 0 2 9 1 5 J A Z E E R AT A L A R A B / 0 2 3 3 4 4 8 0 8 7 MALL OF ARABIA / 02 38260121

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I would like to give my editor’s note this month to this amazing father. This is an open letter he wrote to Victoria’s Secret, who recently made an underwear line targeting teenagers.

There is much to be learned from the following. Much.

Dear Victoria’s Secret, I am a father of a three year old girl. She loves princesses, Dora the Explorer, Doc McStuffins and drawing pictures for people. Her favorite foods are peanut butter and jelly, cheese and pistachios.

Even though she is only three, as a parent I have had those thoughts of my daughter growing up and not being the little girl she is now. It is true what they say about kids, they grow up fast. No matter how hard I try I know that she will not be the little ball of energy she is now; one day she will be a rebellious teenager that will more than likely think her dad is a total goof ball and would want to distance herself from my embarrassing presence.

I know that this is far down the line and I try to spend as much time as I can with her making memories of this special time.

But as I read an article today posted on The Black Sphere, it really got me thinking that maybe the culture that we currently find ourselves in is not helping the cause.

Recently I read an article that Victoria’s Secret is launching a line of underwear and bras aimed at middle school aged children. The line will be called “Bright Young Things” and will feature lace black cheeksters with the word “Wild” emblazoned on them, green and white polka-dot hipsters screen printed with “Feeling Lucky?” and a lace trim thong with the words, Call me” on the front.

As a dad, this makes me sick.

I believe that this sends the wrong message to not only my daughter but to all young girls.

I don’t want my daughter to ever think that her self-worth and acceptance by others is based on the choice of her undergarments. I don’t want my daughter to ever think that to be popular or even attractive she has to have emblazon words on her bottom.

I want my daughter (and every girl) to be faced with tough decisions in her formative years of adolescence. Decisions like should I be a doctor or a lawyer? Should I take calculus as a junior or a senior? Do I want to go to Texas A&M or University of Texas or some Ivy League School? Should I raise awareness for slave trafficking or lack of water in developing nations? There are many, many more questions that all young women should be asking themselves… not will a boy (or girl) like me if I wear a “call me” thong?

I want my daughter to know that she is perfect the way she is; I want my daughter to know that no matter what underwear she is wearing it does not define her.

I believe that this new line “Bright Young Things” thwarts the efforts of empowering young women in this country. “Bright Young Things” gives off the message that women are sex objects. This new line promotes it at a dangerously young age.

I implore you to reconsider your decision to start this line.

By doing so you will put young girls’ self-esteem, self-worth and pride above profits.

Sincerely, Rev. Evan Dolive Houston, TX

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By Wessam Sherif

10 APRIL 2013 CAMPUS

AT THIS POINT, EVERYBODY JUST WANTS TO JUMP SHIP AND LEAVE THIS MORBID, ROTTEN, CORRUPTION-INFESTED COUNTRY. BUT AS THEY SAY: “EL 3EEN BASEERA WEL 2EED ASEERA”; TO LEAVE EGYPT, YOU NEED TO GET A JOB ABROAD OR GET ACCEPTED IN A SCHOOL ABROAD, AND IF NOT, YOU NEED FAMILY ABROAD. THEN YOU NEED A VISA, AND MORE IMPORTANTLY, CASH. This perfect equation rarely comes to fruition and that’s why most of us are still sinking in this country’s quicksand of misery and despair.

Now that the bleak intro is out of the way, let’s come up with other ways to leave Egypt that don’t involve bothersome procedures.

Giant Slingshot This method is obviously yet to be tested, but I have a strong feeling that it would work. You simply need to purchase two gigantic wooden poles, I’d recommend buying them from the same people who build the “sewan” for funerals. Then you need to get around two million rubber bands and tie them together, then tie them to the poles. Don’t ask me where to get that amount of rubber bands, I’m already giving you gold, make some effort yourself!

When the slingshot is set up, simply have some friends pull you against the super rubber band and then let go. You’ll need like 50 friends though to pull you far enough for you to cover a reasonable distance. You’re definitely not going to land in Italy or anything across the Mediterranean; your best bets are Libya or Sudan. Worst case you’ll knock yourself silly and you’ll THINK that you’ve left the entire earth, not just the country.

Pretend That You’re Gay See, this will take a lot of courage from you, because once you come out of the closet all hell will break loose. That’s not just it though, you need to make scenes, get on media, be super gay and stand as an icon for homosexuality. And once you’re hated by enough people, ask some country abroad for asylum. The authorities will be so happy to deport your a*s even before a foreign country grants you asylum.

The Bat Signal This is my favorite option. In fact, I’m currently working on implementing it. What you need to do is build a Bat Signal capable of producing a beam of light strong enough to penetrate Cairo’s foggy, dust-ridden skies. Also, you need a power source that would be able to keep the signal running for a month straight, at least. And when all that is ready, switch that baby on and wait for The Bat to come to your aide. When he does, don’t be an idiot and ask him to just take you with him back to Gotham, first request that he eliminates the Brotherhood and THEN take you with him to Gotham. Don’t be selfish.

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Swim!

Ever thought of that? Simple and it won’t cost you a dime. All you need to do is head to sa7el, get in the water and just start swimming towards open water. From there you can hitch a fishing boat, or better yet, a ship! Just remember, whenever you get tired of swimming, nam 3ala dahrak, you’ll NEVER drown if you do that, especially if you’re fat. And in the unfortunate case that you actually do drown, adeek khelest mel ham wel araf wel 3eesh welly 3ayshenha. Just remember, there’s a chance that you make it to a bikini-infested shore, that’s enough motivation right there.

Planes Foolish is the man who believes that airport security is impenetrable. You can very easily get on a plane heading anywhere in the world if you put your mind to it. Do know, however, that you’ll most probably be riding among the cargo; to actually get a seat on the place itself will require a gun and taking hostages, which is a hassle honestly. What you need to do is drive up to the amusement park, El Sendebad, park there and then jump over the fence on the opposite side of the road.

Remember me when you’re greeted by tons of parked planes in Cairo Airport, just begging to be ridden by your miserable a*s.

Simply walk to a parked plane that has that big door in the back wide open and sneak your way inside. Just make sure you pack heavy clothes, because that area of the plane is definitely not heated and it gets quite cold up there.

Get Married This is the last and hardest method that came to mind. Get married to a foreigner, preferably a senile half-dead old woman, but not too dead though; you don’t want her to pass over to the other side without having given you the nationality. The difficulty here is actually headhunting the said woman and then convincing her to marry you, so you need to up your game a bit. You know, get a bad overly-done tan, put on some sh*tty clothes and head to Sharm El Sheikh. Russian chicks there dig that he-looks-like-he-smells look, for some reason. Hang out every night in front of one of the clubs and look for the ugliest, most desperate-looking woman. She’ll probably be a Russian spinster with no front teeth, but that’s fine, these are necessary compromises. Take her out for the duration of her trip and make sure to be sh*tfaced throughout, because when intimacy kicks in, you’ll need all the help you could get so as not to hurl all over her at the sight of her nude body. You know what? With the amount of drinking you’ll be doing, you’ll probably hurl all over her anyway, and she’ll still love you for it, because she’s desperate. Anywho, she’ll go back to her country and two years of Facebook messaging and disgusting cybersex later, you’ll get married and your plan will be a great success.

I have done my part, these brilliant ideas are yours now. Use them at your own risk.

And you’re welcome.

12 APRIL 2013 CAMPUS

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Sane is Boring

By Amy Quotb

14 APRIL 2013 CAMPUS

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HAVE YOU EVER BEEN INTERESTED IN READING ABOUT A COMPLETELY ‘NORMAL’ PERSON? OF COURSE NOT! THAT’S JUST BORING! INSANITY HAS MANY LEVELS AND FACES; SOMETIMES YOU DON’T EVEN SEE IT, BUT IT’S OUT THERE. AND NEVERTHELESS, IT’S VERY INTERESTING TO READ ABOUT. IT’S SCARY SOMETIMES, BUT INTERESTING.

Let me share with you some of the most disturbing disorders I’ve come across. I’ll start with the easier ones to absorb, just to ease the shock…

Triskaidekaphobia: Fear of the Number 13

It’s super famous, and usually considered to be a superstition. But it’s really a mental issue. Adolf Hitler was triskaidekaphobic. A specific fear of Friday the 13th is called paraskavedekatriaphobia. Tetraphobia is the fear of the number 4 in China, Japan, and Korea. So I guess 13 isn’t the only black duck in the pond.

Hybristophilia

Hybristophilia basically means being sexually aroused by or attracted to people who have committed an outrageous or a gruesome crime – sexeh!

In popular culture, this phenomenon is also known as “Bonnie and Clyde Syndrome”. Many high-profile criminals, particularly those who have committed awful crimes, receive “fan mail” in prison which is sometimes amorous or sexual, presumably as a result of this phenomenon. In some cases, admirers of these criminals have gone on to marry the object of their affections in prison.

Think it’s weird?

I find it just a mere progression of the theory that most girls like “bad” boys. Think about it!

Androphobia: Fear of Men

While some like ‘em dangerous, others have an abnormal and persistent fear of them! Sufferers of this disorder –women of course– experience anxiety when around men, even though they realize they may face no real threat. This phobia can be traced back to a specific triggering event, usually a traumatic experience at an early age. Sadly, I for one think that many girls residing in Egypt have the tendency to suffer from this disorder as a result of repeated sexual assaults and common harassment cases on Egyptian streets. I personally heard girls –more than once– stating that they become extremely anxious just by a boy/guy/man approaching them, walking by them, behind them, or across them!

Alien Hand Syndrome

Also known as Dr. Strangelove Syndrome; this is mostly a neurological disorder (has to do with the actual physical wiring of the body rather than the psychology of a patient) in which one of the sufferer’s hands seems to take on a life of its own. Sometimes the sufferer will not be aware of what the hand is doing until it is brought to his or her attention. Alien hands can perform complex acts such as undoing buttons or removing clothing!

Trichotillomania

Trichotillomania is an obsession with pulling out one’s own hair.

Individuals with this disorder will constantly pull out body hair, eyebrows, and eyelashes. Patients get overwhelming urges to pull at their hair, only reaching relief when they’ve done it. Individuals will go to great lengths to hide their bald spots, but for some the disorder becomes too bad to cover up.

Trichotillomania is a very rare condition. No one knows what causes it, but it is possible to overcome through psychotherapy. Some cases even benefit from medication.

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Necrophilia

Necrophilia is the sexual attraction to corpses! Yes, someone out there actually likes to get it on with dead folk. The word is derived from the Greek words nekros; dead, and philia; “love”. The term was coined by the Belgian alienist Joseph Guislain, who first used it in a lecture in 1850.

As far as popular culture is concerned, Necrophilia has been frequently brought up. In Rob Zombie’s House of 1000 Corpses and The Devil’s Rejects, Otis B. Driftwood is a rapist and a necrophile. Edgar Allan Poe once described the death of a beautiful young woman to be one of the most beautiful images. And in the 1998 movie Bride of Chucky, Tiffany (Jennifer Tilly) lies in bed with her recently deceased boyfriend Damien, who was murdered by Chucky earlier in the movie.

Pica

This one is characterized by an appetite for objects that are non-nutritive, such as clay, chalk, dirt, or sand. For these actions to be considered pica, they must persist for more than one month at an age where eating such objects is considered developmentally inappropriate. There are different variations of pica, as it can be from a cultural tradition, acquired taste or a neurological mechanism such as an iron deficiency, or chemical imbalance. It can lead to intoxication in children which can lead to impairment in both physical and mental development. In addition, it can also lead to surgical emergencies due to an intestinal obstruction as well as more subtle symptoms such as nutritional deficiencies and parasitic infections.

Pica has been linked to mental disorders and they often cause death.

Stressors such as maternal deprivation, family issues, parental neglect, pregnancy, poverty, and a disorganized family structure are strongly linked to Pica.

Anorexia Nervosa

Possibly one of the most physically disruptive disorders, Anorexia Nervosa is an eating disorder characterized by immoderate food restriction and irrational fear of gaining weight, as well as a distorted body self-perception. It typically involves excessive weight loss and is usually found more in females than in males. Due to the fear of gaining weight, people with this disorder restrict the amount of food they consume, some go down to having as little as an apple a day.

Between 5% and 20% of people who develop the disease eventually die from it. Those who survive, though, are very likely to suffer from permanent damage in almost every system in their body.

Apotemnophilia

Now this is the most physically destructive disorder; also known as Body Integrity Identity Disorder (BIID) or Amputee Identity Disorder. It is a mental disorder where a person experiences the overwhelming desire to amputate healthy limbs or other parts of their body. In extreme cases sufferers take it upon themselves to amputate their own limbs. BIID also applies to those who wish to alter their bodily integrity in general.

Acrotomophilia is sometimes accompanied by the sexual attraction to other people who are already missing limbs.

And my personal LEAST favorite…

Zoosadism

Zoosadism is a term coined by Ernest Borneman, referring to pleasure (sometimes even sexual pleasure) derived from cruelty to animals.

Zoosadism is part of the Macdonald triad, a set of three behaviors that are precursors to sociopathic behavior. So next time you see a kid being cruel to an animal, remember that he is a potential future serial killer! In general, the link between sadistic sexual acts with animals and sadistic practices with humans or lust murders has been heavily researched.

Some murderers tortured animals in their childhood, with some of them also practicing bestiality. One study found that 36% of sexual murderers described themselves as having abused animals during childhood, with 46% of them reporting that they had abused animals during adolescence, and that eight of their sample of thirty-six sexual murderers showed an interest in zoosexual acts.

16 APRIL 2013 CAMPUS

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An Ode to Smoking Why do people smoke?

By Mohamed Adel

I RECENTLY TOOK UP SMOKING, A HABIT THAT I’VE CONSIDERED TO BE HIDEOUS FOR THE PAST 24 YEARS, BUT THE THRILL OF TRYING SOMETHING NEW WAS IRRESISTIBLE. OBLIVIOUS TO THE DEPENDENCE I WAS SLIPPING INTO, I SUDDENLY BECAME ALL ABOUT CIGARETTE BREAKS, AS IF THE TIME I’VE SPENT STUDYING THE HAZARDS OF SMOKING NEVER HAPPENED. I TRIED EVERY SINGLE TOBACCO BRAND IN THE SHORTEST TIME, AND MINGLED WITH MY SMOKER FRIENDS -WHOM I USED TO BULLY FOR BEING ADDICTS FOR YEARS- LIKE WE WERE FRESHLY INTRODUCED. People’s reactions varied from shocked to indifferent, but the most annoying of them all was “Why do you smoke? It doesn’t suit you at all!” Like anyone asks that b*tch why she wears those monstrously ugly Uggs or why does she looks like Queen Latifah! Regardless of that nosy as*hole, I started asking myself why would anyone who’s aware of the countless number of diseases smoking can cause take up smoking. Why is everyone ignoring the fact that a regular ciggie harbors 4000 different types of chemicals, 51 of which are potent carcinogenic materials? What the hell is wrong with us?! Are we all idiots just trying to corrupt our lungs and die? But then again, we’re dying anyway so what’s the point?

So why do smokers love smoking so much that they disregard all the risks a cigarette inflicts on one’s health? Why do they find allure in its burning flame, a captivating scent in its irritating smoke and comfort in its bitter taste?

• Coffee & cigarettes: There is a special charm in engaging in a pseudo-intellectual talk over coffee and cigarettes. Whether you’re talking politics, art or whatever, smoking doubles the intensity and interest of the conversation.

• Rebellion: Youngsters think of smoking as a form of growing up.

Fearing that their parents might know the nature of their extracurricular activity, they enjoy the taste of “the forbidden fruit” and hide in the balcony or the bathroom and smoke like it’s going to solve all their problems.

• It kills time: Although smoking is considered pointless by almost everyone, smokers love a cigarette’s company especially when bored.

Or as some say: it gives you something to do with your hand, which is perfect for an eternally bored generation like us.

• The emo smokers: Suicidal people find smoking an appealing way to put an end to their miserable lives, hoping for a shorter existence. Call me whatever, but I relate to that a great deal.

20 APRIL 2013 CAMPUS

• A stress reliever: This is actually scientifically proven - inhaling nicotine causes a sense of relaxation, giving you this false feeling that the pain is withering away with every puff.

• Socializing: Cigarettes are considered potent icebreakers; with awkward encounters, offering a smoke is always a clever idea to overcome the uneasiness of initiating a conversation. Not to mention, the bonds created in smoking areas.

• The perfect end to anything: Lots of people find pleasure in ending a drink, a meal and sometimes sex (like we ever have sex) with a couple of cigarette puffs.

• The intellectual look: With most big writers and thinkers all over the world being smokers, smoking has been falsely associated with being deep, which explains the fascination of college students with smoking.

• Romantics: Those who love a cigarette by the beach, thinking that it warms them in the cold or love the ambience set by the smoke twirling around their faces.

• Appetite suppression: Some people resort to smoking as technique to –theoretically– lose weight and avoid eating ,hoping that they’re steering clear from turning into cows.

• It’s sexy: Lots of people find smoking hot, like Audrey Hepburn in Breakfast At Tiffany’s. Like Woody Allen said in Manhattan: “I don’t inhale, because it gives you cancer, but I look so incredibly handsome with a cigarette that I can’t not hold one.”

Say whatever you say about smoking, but it’s universally considered to be man’s finest companion, or as my friend puts it: “It’s the best friend I’ve never had, always there for me, never cheated on me and willing to be burnt out for my pleasure.”

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The MIU Scandal Private Education in Egypt Rearing its Ugly Head Again

IT ALL STARTED WHEN THE STUDENTS CALLED FOR A PEDESTRIAN BRIDGE AND SECURITY MEASURES ON MISR ISMAILIA ROAD, ON WHICH THE UNIVERSITY IS LOCATED. THE CALLS WERE THE RESULT OF DEATH OF ANTOINE SAMEH, THEIR COLLEAGUE, IN AN ACCIDENT ON THE ROAD THAT HAS LONG BEEN REFERRED TO AS THE “DEATH ROAD”.

The students protested multiple times, two of which escalated into cutting off the road itself as a way of reminding the university administration of the necessity of safety measures on the treacherous road. After a lot of back and forth with the administration, the university decided to suspend and hold an investigation with one of the students for insulting the university during one of the protests. This in turn pushed the students into further protesting and demands, which lead to the university’s decision to hold investigations with 13 other students for inciting violence.

At this point the students decide to hold a sit-in, but the parents decided to intervene in an attempt to mitigate the intensity of the conflict first. Accordingly, the university promised the parents that the students’ attendance records won’t be affected by the days they missed in protest and that the investigation results will be in the students’ favour. Consequently, the students agreed to cooperate and attend the investigations, and the shocking result was that 10 students got suspended for two weeks and three others were given warnings.

And that’s when the students decided to hold their sit-in, to cancel the results of these investigations, pressure the administration into sticking to its promise regarding the attendance and giving an explanation to the presence of bodyguards on campus, in addition to ensuring the security of the “death road”.

The story from there went as follows:

22 APRIL 2013 CAMPUS

By Menna Alaa

Scene 1 “We assure you that we have solved the attendance issues for all suspended students, I assure you that all their demands have been met,” said Tarek El Domiaty, Dean of Business Administration Faculty at the university to a prominent channel. “Good sir, we have met their demands. We don’t understand why they’re still having a sit-in, maybe it’s some kind of psychological crisis that they’re going through,” said the university’s president, Shebl El Komy.

Amidst their continuous assurances and guarantees, university officials forgot that the students were still having a peaceful sit-in outside campus for more than two weeks and that they still had unmet demands. It was quite similar to what happened in Tahrir Square during the 18 days, when people expressed their demands only to be met with “What you’ve gotten is already enough” or “He did what you wanted, what more do you want?”

What the professors forgot to mention while trying to save their reputation on television is that the students were in fact having a sit-in for more than two weeks because the administration didn’t fulfill its promise to not harm the students. In fact, they had actually suspended 10 students in an earlier protest for 2 weeks. They also forgot to mention that during the sit-in, students were not allowed to enter bathrooms and that the parking lot’s (where the sit-in was being held) lighting was deliberately turned off, bearing in mind that that it is located next to a highway that is considered one of the most dangerous highways in Egypt. And to add insult to injury, university officials actually believed that they were doing the students a favor by not attacking their sit-in.

A Mass Communication Professor, Amany Bassiouny, surprised her students, who have always seen her as the perfect model of objectivity, by saying: “Well, I don’t understand why the students are objecting. We have left them and their sit-in just like they wanted. Students who are making demands regarding attendance are actually students who haven’t been attending their classes because they were hanging out in the sit-in, so we can’t be blamed”.

The bodyguards didn’t just resort to rock-throwing and birdshots; they were also spotted insulting the students with one of them shown in a picture clearly giving the middle finger to one of the students. They also cursed at a parent who asked them to explain what was going when she arrived amidst the chaos. In the end, an educational institution became the scene of one of the most unexpected and gruesome incidents in the history of private universities.

“Those bodyguards are the university’s security; we’ve had them for years,” said Tarek El Domiaty in one of the talk shows, showing a disparity in the answers given by the university’s officials to the media.

For example, Mohamed El Tayeb, a university official, had a completely different thing to say: he claimed that the bodyguards were only there to guard the dentistry clinics because it gets visited by hundreds of patients weekly. And on the other hand, Shebl El Komy, another official, made the comment that takes the cake: “We’ve had them for years. Just because one of them is a bit buff, doesn’t mean that I should fire him. Right?”

It is noteworthy that Hamdy Hassan, the university’s vice president, himself used the bodyguards three weeks ago in the main building during one of the protests and told them: “Beat up whoever approaches my office”. That is not just campus security anymore, is it? That’s more like personal security.

Eventually, the bodyguards withdrew from campus and the students felt that they were in control for the first time in the university’s history, vowing to keep fighting to make it a better place and to hold accountable all officials responsible for the bloody incident.

On the other hand, the university declared that classes were suspended indefinitely, clearly indicating that there will be more installments to this saga in the near future.

Scene 2 “We will respond to your demands concerning attendance on Thursday,” said university officials to student representatives on Monday, the day things started to escalate. The students were already angry, but their anger was amplified when their friend, Jamaica, informed them that the university had suspended him for a month for cursing the university off campus, in the parking lot. That’s when the students decide to move the sit-in inside the university campus, despite the threats of Security Chief, Mamdouh Abdel Latif, who said clearly: “If you don’t back off, the bodyguards will deal with you”. When the students ignored the threat, Mamdouh gave his orders and the bodyguards started using fire extinguishers and rocks to disperse the students at 7 pm. Of course, the students had no choice but to defend themselves and the result was nine injured students on that day. Consequently, calls started on Facebook through other universities’ students for a protest in front of MIU on Tuesday (28/3) to condemn what happened the night before.

Scene 3 Students from several universities gathered at 12 pm in front of MIU in order to condemn what happened. In a scene that was similar to the Mohamed Mahmoud/Occupy Cabinet events, clashes started in seconds and tens of people already started falling to the ground. The motorcycle riders transferring the injured to the closest field hospital that we used to see in the downtown clashes were replaced with a car or two that carried out the same role.

Mostafa Kandil, MIU Student Movement President and head of the Student Union’s Cultural and Social Responsibility Committee, called for both parties to stop from behind the main gate. The rock throwing did, in fact, stop from the students’ side, but it didn’t last for long because not much later students heard Mostafa scream. His scream was the aftermath of multiple birdshots fired by the bodyguards at his back; more than 10 pellets were found in his back. The clashes therefore resumed with more people falling and more blood being spilled.

23

SECTION UNDERSCORE

Cyber Trolls

How the Modern Day Egyptian Makes History

By May Kamel

24 APRIL 2013 CAMPUS

FOR THE LIFE OF ME, I DON’T KNOW WHY I WOULD WANT TO DISCUSS THE INTERNET. I SPENT A GOOD CHUNK OF MY LIFE BASICALLY CHALLENGING GOOGLE’S CAPABILITIES, AND I EVEN MADE A CAREER OUT OF IT. AND I NEED A BREAK. IN FACT, THE INTERNET ITSELF NOW NEEDS A BREAK. The internet is good and dandy, and while we all know it initially meant well, two things happened to it that have forever demonized it: people, and specifically Egyptians. We are 80-something-million self-important, Jacks of all trades … and a string of other complex, hollow hyphenated words. In short, we just don’t do things that normal people do; we HAPPEN to things. We see and we conquer ba2a.

The Honeymoon Phase Just like everything else, the internet and Egyptians had a classical boymeets-world introduction, one that was jeopardized by our practices.

We had “saybar” cafes around every corner, we invaded Yahoo Chat, MSN, mIRC, ICQ, and probably other chat rooms not even known to the modern-age man. All of them. Then one thing lead to another, and before we know it, we had Egyptian websites with pop-ups that are only second to Hadramout’s paper kids. Zero content, zero design, zero internet advertising guidelines. Needless to say, they catered to the Egyptian wild side and in no time they have become the benchmark of Egyptian internet.

‘El Face’ For people who thought hi5 was a big deal, the introduction of Facebook was the equivalent of the big bang to the Egyptian internet. We were simply given more tools to share our boring daily activities in elaborate details, upload our latest pieces of photoshopped art (more like chopped, but whatever), share our “matchless” taste of music and the national favorite: PLAY GAMES! Now off to some useful facts: Egypt has more than 13 million Facebook users, representing 16% population penetration and 60% online population penetration. The male to female ratio is 64-36%, and the largest age group is 18-24 years, with a total of more than 5 million users. What is really fascinating and worth studying, however, is the psychology of this army of 13 million users. Based on my humble experience and daily encounters, both online and offline, the Egyptian Facebook is nothing but a virtual Egypt.

Sock Puppets 101 While people all around the world create fake accounts on social media networks for purposes of deception and misuse, we, Egyptians, adopt different online identities for a reason that only God knows. First of all, despite our best intentions, we do not know how to profile ourselves. We are constantly searching for this “gamed” or “7arra2” factor that would boost that ego… think Ahmed Maradona, BãñÖta ŤōţĄ. We also need to spice it up with picture that best describes our innermost, mysterious characters. Khodo ba2a sowar domoo3, cats, Menna Shalaby, Ronaldo, more domoo3, more dogs, Nancy Agram, Mohannad, other Turkish chicks and MORE DOMOO3!

What I have also noticed and I think is absolutely worth an in-depth, properly funded psychoanalytical study is people with more than one account, all having the aforementioned details. Is there a certain need that they fulfill by being Ronaldo at times, and Ahmed El Sakka at others? Are they bipolar? Do they treat social media like telephone abo khatein? Do they know that in many countries, this could put them up for questioning? Howa estekhsar? What exactly is it?!

Aghreflak VirtualBagel?

Last July, BBC News decided to run a full-on investigation to put their claim of doubting the value of “likes” and social ads on Facebook to test. They supported their claim saying that many accounts like pages/ brands that they do not even have real interest in. They added that many accounts are fake, either run by computer programs or belonging to people who are lying about their identity.

To put their claim to test, they carried out the following experiment: they created a Facebook page for VirtualBagel - a made-up company with no products. The page was set up with very little information apart from a brief, vague description so that it would be of little interest to Facebook users. However, through an ad in the right hand sidebar that prompted users to like the page with the text “We send virtual bagels, just click to enjoy”, the page received 2999 likes in just a few days. The ad was set to display in the UK, US, India, Egypt, Indonesia and the Philippines to users aged 13-45 years with an interest in health and wellbeing, cooking and early adoption of technology, exposing the ad to a potential audience of 66 million people. The number of “likes” it attracted from Egypt and the Philippines was out of proportion to other countries targeted, such as the US and UK. The hilarious part of the story that made me tear up laughing, question the Egyptian mentality altogether and at the same time not help but admire the ghetto power that has overshadowed our existence, goes as follows: they took a certain account as a case study.

And guess who he is? An Ahmed Ronaldo! *sa2afoolo sa2afoolo* As per the picture, Ahmed Ronaldo is just another Facebook user that we see every day on the Asa7by page, or Enta 3ayel Shambongo, or kol el kalam el lazeez da. And he is also the same person el wa2ef 3al koshk w kolena motakhayeleen shaklo. Ma3roof ya3ny. Prototype.

The study used his profile as a solid support to their claim, saying that his profile contains details that are “obviously untrue”. Khaleito el 3elm ya3gaz odamko ya Masreyeen! No, seriously; as much as this highlights the depth of the sh*thole we’re basking in, one can’t overlook the accomplishment. We punched holes into the both the BBC investigation and Facebook. One up!

Who’s Master?

You know what? I decided to embrace this ghetto power we’re bringing to the internet. In fact, I approve of it being a “thing”. Consequently, let me share with you the top 10 Egyptian internet/dark side moments that leave me overwhelmed with laughter, despair, anger, annoyance, and all the feelings in between: 10 - Any account named ‫صرخة منلة‬, Hamada Adidas, ‫طبع احلياة‬, AŁMĝñÖnĄ PÖpAaa (just to name a few) 9 – People who work at ‫ عند أمك‬,‫مدرسة احلياة‬, or any of those well-planned careers 8 – Girls with ‫ حجابي هو عفافي‬profile pictures. First of all, we have a lot to discuss in this regard. Second, we’re not very sure how this goes with the pictures of lingerie, straps, cuffs and whatnot that you post from ‫جروب‬ ‫دلع البنات‬ 7 – Profile pictures of domoo3. Regardless of what you’ve been through, we understand, yet we don’t think it’s a good enough reason.

6 – Yao Ming’s face maltoo3 after each and every single joke (usually the most horrible of them). Do you even know who he is?

5 – Yao Ming with the beard. I think it’s self-explanatory.

4 –‫ – أحدث الطرق الختراق شركات احملمول وكروت الشحن بدون نصب‬Best oxymoron evaaaa <3 3 – Photoshopped pictures of bleeding detached organs. Do it one more time, and so help me god, I’ll make sure your visualizations come true.

2 – Hair removal ads. No one wants all those details. No one. Ever.

1. El batatsaya el nata2et lafz el galala, wel tamatmaya el kafra, we wara2 el 3enab el massouny. Our collective reproductive health is at stake. We urge you. Stop it.

All of that being said, I think we have collectively, as a nation, made our point of who is who, showed them who is daddy, proved them wrong, and beat the man and the system mel akher. After years of dedication and team work, I proudly pronounce us the masters of the dark side of the internet. Forget about the “Do you like me now?” chick, Tyra Bank’s mental moment with Vaseline and all those psychedelic animal videos.

We owned them.

Now for the love of all what’s “7arra2”, can we turn the page and embark onto the post-mazra3a sa3eeda era?

Retweet w share b shedda, before we’re officially institutionalized.

And no, you can’t add Mark Zuckerberg.

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SECTION BARE NAKED

For the Love of Strangers Reem Khorshid: The Girl Who Will Listen

By Mohamed Adel

26 APRIL 2013 CAMPUS

A MONTH AGO, THIS YOUNG LADY, REEM KHORSHID, TOOK THE STREETS OF ZAMALEK BY STORM WITH HER BIG HEART AND A HANDWRITTEN BANNER THAT SAID: “YOU CAN TALK TO ME ABOUT ANYTHING AND I WILL LISTEN TO YOU”. THIS RANDOM ACT OF KINDNESS THAT IS RARELY WITNESSED IN OUR BELOVED C-TOWN DIDN’T PASS UNNOTICED; IT STIRRED LOTS OF CYBER DISCUSSIONS AND ENCOURAGEMENT BUT ALSO RAISED A COUPLE QUESTIONS ABOUT THE MOTIVES BEHIND IT AND THE IMPACT OF SUCH AN ACT. I’ve had the pleasure to follow Reem on Twitter and Tumblr for a while now, so when I asked her to sit down and talk about her little project, she didn’t hesitate.

Campus: How would you introduce yourself to our readers?

Reem Khorshid: Reem Khorshid, an 18 year old, freshman engineering student, Cairo University. My life is not remotely interesting, but I try to break the routine every once in a while by doing unusual things. My dream is to work with the Gaza Foundation to help build refugee camps.

C: What made you think of roaming around with this banner?

RK: Well, after the revolution I felt that people are no longer listening to each other and that saddened me a lot. You see, whether you’re stuck in traffic or just sitting in a café sipping your coffee, just by looking at people’s faces you can notice that every person has a story to tell.

C: So you were basically interested in listening to people’s stories?

RK: No, not just that. I felt that I wanted to help people, not necessarily with something tangible, but I thought it would nice if they found someone who was genuinely interested in listening to whatever they have to say.

C: Where did the idea come from?

RK: I didn’t come up with the idea since it has been done basically everywhere in the world, specifically by homeless people in Europe in return for money. But that’s not why I’m doing it, obviously.

C: I must tell you that I’m in love with the idea and I admire your courage to do such a thing RK: Thank you, but honestly, there was a personal motive behind it too, because I recently lost someone who was important to me, and I believe that I can find bits and pieces of them in every person I meet.

C: That’s pretty intense.

RK: Yeah, well, when you can’t help yourself you can always help others, just drawing a smile on someone’s face matters.

C: Indeed. Can you tell me how people on the street reacted to your banner?

RK: Lots of people just read the banner, stared for a couple of minutes then walked by. Some smiled then walked by, while others approached me to ask what that is or why am I doing it. And some people actually came and opened up about how hard life is and all.

C: Were there are any negative comments or incidents?

RK: No, not at all. Most people were nice to me; no harassment, no trouble from the authorities, nothing. Some people actually thought that it was a university project.

C: Did your parents know about your little project?

RK: At first, I didn’t tell them about it, but after I did it for a couple of times, I told my mom. She was kind of worried and concerned about my safety but when I told her how it all went well, she was supportive.

C: What were the most touching stories you heard?

RK: • There was this 50-year-old French man, who came to Cairo looking for his daughter who ran away with an Egyptian guy. He teared up while telling me how he misses his daughter and how he’s just here to make sure she’s safe. He actually thought I was a homeless and tried to give me 50 pounds before leaving but I refused.

• An 18-year-old guy told me that he does drugs regularly and knows that it’s “7aram” and that he’s trying to quit, praying to God to give him the strength to quit.

• There was this old Irish lady who passed by me every week just to say hi and talk about her day.

• Once there were two German girls who played the accordion while I was talking to people. They’re in Cairo to start some art project and wanted me to join them.

• A girl who recently lost her dad and her grandfather followed a few months later. She talked about her grief and how she prays for them every night.

C: Why did you add an Arabic translation on the banner?

RK: Well, the first day the banner was only in English and some people didn’t understand it so I added an Arabic translation the next day and more people approached me. For instance, 3am Ibrahim who works for a florist in Zamalek came and talked to me about his family and his life when he understood the banner. And now whenever I go, he gets me a chair and brings me tea and refuses to take any money.

C: Do you have any future plans for this little project?

RK: I’m currently writing a compilation of the interesting encounters I’ve had and the stories I’ve heard to document the whole thing. Also, an online TV channel wanted to make a show based on the project, and I’m considering it but it’s kind of hard to manage my time between this and studying so I’m still undecided.

C: Thank you very much for your time, Reem.

RK: You’re welcome, my pleasure.

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SECTION PRESS RELEASES

ALICIA KEYS KICKS OFF BLACKBERRY’S “KEEP MOVING PROJECT” WITH HER “SET THE WORLD ON FIRE” TOUR

New Solution for Traffic Congestion in Egypt Twseela.com tackles the traffic problem using social networks.

With the rise of gasoline prices and the decrease of government subsidies for oil products, both car owners and commuters are becoming disgruntled. Twseela aims to offer a solution to this problem by matching car owners and non-cars owners.

BlackBerry® announced that its recently appointed Global Creative Director, Alicia Keys, will be engaging fans through the BlackBerry Keep Moving Project during her Set The World On Fire Tour, Presented by BlackBerry.

Keys, is inviting fans to provide personal pictures of themselves through the BlackBerry Keep Moving Hub. These pictures will then be used to make a music video for Keys’ song ‘Hallelujah’, which will be played on stage during her concerts. Each city on the tour will have its own unique video featuring the people that make that city great.

Keys’ BlackBerry Keep Moving Project, engages BlackBerry customers in exclusive and compelling experiences created by inspirational and multi-faceted artists, writers, designers, filmmakers, musicians, and athletes. Author Neil Gaiman and renowned director Robert Rodriguez have joined Keys as the first three “BlackBerry Collaborators” leveraging the power of the new platform to create original content as they interact with fans like never before.

The BlackBerry Keep Moving Hub includes a new intimate video from Keys.

Twseela.com is the communication tool that can be used by cars owners and non-cars owners to communicate with each other about available hours, matched routes for the same trip, the cost of the trip and the share of gasoline cost. Built as a social network, Twseela.com will have unique factors such as trust and evaluation. Its exclusive organization and the aforementioned factors will ensure safety and increase the reliability of the service.

Mostafa Ragab, founder for Twseela, asserts that “statistics have proved that we have about 3 million private cars, compared to the number of taxis that reach 250 thousand cars, and about 1900 public transport bus, and this does not fit well with the population and population growth as well. At the same time, we find many private cars going in jammed roads with the driver only (car owner) and the cars have available seats unoccupied. The latest statistics of the Ministry of Transport, confirmed that about 70% of the private cars go in roads with the drivers only, while the government cannot convince car owners to leave their cars to use public transportation. That’s when we came up idea for Twseela.”

Established in 2012, Twseela aims to influence the culture of the Egyptian community and change some habits by which they can solve a large part of the problematic “traffic congestion”. In sum, the goal of the site is to create a positive community connection and help to solve the traffic problem instead of contributing to grow it. Twseela is an incubated Project at Nahdet El Mahrousa since 2012.

Juhayna launches Nutrition Awareness program for school students Based on the company’s leading CSR role and its commitment to develop and serve the community, Juhayna launched recently a nutrition awareness project for school students in the framework of its renowned initiative “Juhayna and my School for my Health and Study”. The project is considered one of the positive steps adopted by the company in cooperation with Ministry of Education represented by the General Food Authority. The initiative aims to increase the students’ awareness to build healthy generations with sound nutritional culture. ‫ ‏‬he proceedings of the Food Awareness project will continue for three consecutive T days starting March 31st till April 2nd. MOE officials, Juhayna’s top management topped by Eng. Safwan Thabet- Chairman of the company will be present. A group of nutritional experts will also attend the event represented by Dr. Habiba Hassan Wassif- former Manager at the WHO in Geneva, Dr. Morsy Al Soda- Professor of Dairy Microbiology at the Dairy Science and Technology Department, Faculty of Agriculture, Alexandria University and Dr. Laila Eskandar- Expert in CSR and Community development. ‫ ‏‬he program will cover all the educational stages from primary to General Secondary. It T will also include special training programs to the nutritional specialists at the schools in the different governorates. ‫ ‏‬he participating teams will be evaluated by the end of the proceedings of the T workshops by the MOE and Juhayna’s officials. The winning school will be awarded “the best nutritionally cultured school” trophy. Symbolic gifts will be distributed on the winning schools to improve the nutrition, health and sports activities in accordance with the guidelines of “Juhayna and my School for my Health and Study” initiative.

28 APRIL 2013 CAMPUS

OPINIONATED ] ]SECTION

It Wouldn’t Kill You to Take a Joke!

By Youssef Saad Eldin

30 APRIL 2013 CAMPUS

I KNOW I HAVE A BAD TEMPER. IT DOESN’T TAKE SHERLOCK HOLMES TO REALIZE THAT. AND THERE ARE MANY THINGS AMONG LIFE’S HARDSHIPS THAT REALLY GET ON MY NERVES. THERE IS, HOWEVER, ONE PARTICULAR TRAIT IN SOME PEOPLE THAT REALLY PUSHES ME OVER THE EDGE; IT GIVES ME THE URGE TO RUSH HOME, CRY IN THE SHOWER, HAVE A DOUBLE WHISKEY AND THEN START BANGING MY HEAD AGAINST THE WALL. THIS SPECIFIC TRAIT IS SOME PEOPLE’S INABILITY TO TAKE A BLOODY JOKE. Sure, we live in a world cursed with rotten notions like racism, sexism, and religious intolerance, but that doesn’t negate the fact that some people just take themselves way too seriously. Some people have a stick so far up their a*ses that it hurts when they laugh.

Feminazis For instance, I used to date a girl who had decided to put on red lipstick for some occasion. According to my sense of fashion -or lack of it- I felt the obligation to add my two cents and break to her that she looked like a clown. Yes, I’m quite aware that this wasn’t very intelligent on my behalf, but that’s not the point. The point is that, normally, this would turn into a typical “you don’t find me attractive” situation or some nonsense of the sort, but man, was I about to learn the true meaning of nonsense. The whole thing turned into a goddamn feminist conspiracy. Apparently, what I had said was nothing but one of the many ways men attempt to subdue women and the feminist rant went on. To me, the whole thing was much simpler; I thought to myself that she looks like a clown and simply decided to share this less-thanflattering thought with her, just for giggles, nothing more.

I’m not trying to prove that women are insane, which doesn’t cancel out that they are (if you find this offensive, know that this article is about you), I’m merely pointing out the fact that a certain “cause” may consume some people so much that they’d be unable to laugh at a lousy joke.

Lord Protector of the Gay As I always say, as long as it’s consensual and doesn’t involve children, whatever people do in their bedrooms doesn’t concern me. Well, unless it involves animals! I’m sorry, but in that case I’m afraid I’m going to have to judge you because that is perverted.

The thing is, when I call a friend a kha*al for any reason I deem necessary, it involves only me and him. I don’t need someone telling me that it’s offensive. If you think it’s offensive then allow me to introduce you to what I like to call “the context”! The context is why I laugh when one of my friends jokingly refers to my mother’s genitals and it’s also why I’d grab a knife to kill a random person makes the same reference regarding my mom. Different contexts dictate different reactions.

Sometimes a friend of mind would say something and my retort would be “dude, that’s gay.” If a gay guy gets offended by such a statement, I might understand where he’s coming from. What I really don’t get is the straight person who apparently thinks he’s been appointed Lord Protector of the Gay, the person who would embark on the quest of lecturing closed-minded, uncivilized men like me whenever the opportunity presents itself. I mean it’s a goddamn joke, If you don’t like it, then boo-f*cking-hoo.

Tolerant People Crack Jokes Too Being tolerant doesn’t necessarily mean that you have to frown in contempt every time someone throws in a pseudo-racist joke. The fact that I’m able to laugh at a joke or make one, doesn’t make me a bigot.

I’ve got news for every stuck-up, humorless person out there: you’re not the only one who read the Universal Declaration of Human Rights, you’re not the only one who cares about minorities, and trust me, we’re all torn up about the sh*tty situation of women. You don’t have to be a stuck-up idiot with delusions of being all enlightened and progressive to promote your cause. In fact, you make it more tempting for me to turn into a Salafi extremist, just to show you the true meaning of intolerance.

Like I said, life is hard as is. I don’t appreciate people forming angry mobs and telling me what’s acceptable to say and what’s not. It’s just a joke, if you can’t take it then take a deep breath, count from one to ten or something, and try to stomach it. If that doesn’t work, then too bad, life is hard.

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SECTION OPINIONATED

Korba, Zamalek, Rehab…

Victims of the “Profit Zone”

By Eman Omar

I AM ONE OF THE LUCKY FEW WHO HAPPEN TO WORK IN HELIOPOLIS. I USED TO LIVE THERE TOO, BUT I MOVED TO REHAB A YEAR AGO, WHICH IS STILL NOT TOO FAR AWAY FROM HELIOPOLIS, SO AT LEAST I’M SPARED THE RING ROAD, THE 6TH OF OCTOBER BRIDGE AND MEHWAR. I’M SPARED THE WHOLE HASSLE OF DRIVING BECAUSE I USUALLY TAKE THE REHAB BUS TO AND FROM WORK, WHERE I GET ON AND OFF IN KORBA AND GO TO MY OFFICE FROM THERE. AND LET ME SAY THIS: KORBA IS ONE OF THE BEST ARCHITECTURAL AREAS IN HELIOPOLIS, IN ALL OF CAIRO IN FACT. THE BUILDINGS ARE BEAUTIFUL, THE CARVINGS IN THE BALCONIES AND ON THE WALLS ARE REALLY A SIGHT TO BEHOLD AND THE STREETS ARE WELL DESIGNED WITH THE SHADES IN FRONT OF SHOPS FOR PEOPLE TO WALK UNDER, EVERYTHING ABOUT IT IS JUST LOVELY. BUT JUST LIKE EVERYTHING ELSE (LIKE DOWNTOWN CAIRO AND ZAMALEK AND EVEN PRIVATELY OWNED CITIES LIKE REHAB) WE HAVE SUCCEEDED IN “UGLYING” KORBA. If you’ve been there recently, you’ll see that cafés now outnumber the people themselves, and it’s not like there’s any place to park around them; you either have to double-park, preventing people from driving by smoothly, or go round and round the block till you find a parking space, causing more traffic jams in the already narrow streets.

But I wish this was all. The problem is that cafés and... well, “el ahawy” are now taking up all the pavements, oh and the STREETS as well, with their tiny tables and chairs and shisha. Why? No seriously, why?! It’s a bad enough phenomenon in informal areas or “randomly built areas” (i.e. Nasr City, Mohandessin… etc), but why do that in Korba, one of the chicest places in Cairo? Why turn it into a sh*thole like this? And who gave them to right to do that anyway? How obvious is it that the street should be PUBLIC property? Heck, even the pavements are public property, but we seem to have forgotten that, ages ago.

Why should a girl like me walking in a straight line on a pavement suddenly find herself in the middle of an “ahwa” where all men are staring at her, wondering why she’s passing through here? I feel like screaming: “This is MY route people, YOU shouldn’t be sitting here!” And if I skip the pavement, my other alternative is, of course, the street. I literally end up walking IN THE MIDDLE OF THE DAMN STREET, risking being hit by cars, yelled and honked at, or worse, harassed (not that the pavements are any safer when it comes to this). And girls are not the most endangered here; what if an old man or woman, or even a kid wants to walk down the street? Shouldn’t the pavement be their pathway? Or am I wrong?

The same thing goes for Zamalek and the Souq in Rehab, which has really become an eyesore, after having been part of an ideal city. The issue here is that it’s both depressing and outraging! The fact that such beautiful and nicely organized places are turned into clogged streets filled with endless honking, reckless shop owners and angry people is quite depressing. And the fact that citizens are stripped even of their simplest right -to walk on a pavement- is more than just outraging.

32 APRIL 2013 CAMPUS

I won’t blab on about how the “government” is responsible for this, which it is, I’d rather point out that the lack of morals is the main problem here, it is the root cause in my opinion. Businessmen and even young entrepreneurs want nothing but to maximize their profit by serving a larger number of customers, regardless of where and how they will serve them, regardless of what they will ruin in the process, regardless of anything that has to do with the community as a whole - the only factor playing a role here is PROFIT, and nothing but profit.

Just like contractors who build humungous apartment buildings after tearing down nice little houses, not caring how it will look, not caring where people will park, not caring except for profit and nothing but profit.

This is a desperate shout out, not to the government to apply the already existing rules of not using the streets and pavements as private property, but to young business owners who supposedly want this country to be a better place and who know well that it’s only in their hands to make it better. It’s a shout out to young customers like us to refuse to sit and be served on the pavement or in the streets, hoping that the trend will pass and café owners will get the hint. It is a shout out for thinking a little bit outside the “profit zone” and regarding the consequences our business activities have on the community.

33

SECTION OPINIONATED

We Might As Well Be Strangers

By Summer Nazif

34 APRIL 2013 CAMPUS

BEING AN ADOLESCENT, I THINK, IS ALL ABOUT GOING THROUGH PHASES WHERE YOU QUESTION CERTAIN ASPECTS OF YOUR LIFE; BE IT RELIGION, FRIENDSHIPS, RELATIONSHIPS, OR YOUR IDENTITY. LATELY I’VE BEEN QUESTIONING THE TIES THAT BIND US TO PEOPLE, THE NATURE OF OUR RELATIONSHIP WITH EVERYONE WE KNOW AND JUST HOW MUCH SOMEONE’S ABSENCE CAN AFFECT OUR LIVES IN WAYS WE NEVER CONSIDERED IN THEIR PRESENCE.

So often someone storms into your life, takes you by surprise and without prior notice they become a huge part of it. You start talking every day, you gradually get close, you let them in, you let your guard down, you get used to their company, they grow on you and you forget how your life was before you met them. And so often, these people walk out of your life as quickly and unexpectedly as they walked into it. You grow apart, you spend less time together, your daily conversations get short and awkward, you go days without hearing from them and suddenly, they become a memory.

It’s funny how people can walk right out of your life at any moment. And it’s hard, grasping the fact that they’re gone and there is nothing you can do about it. I’ve come to the realization that no matter what, people come and go, and the only person you can truly rely on is yourself. It happens in the blink of an eye, or over a long period of time; you just lose the connection, you lose each other, and you realize that you haven’t seen them in a month, though you used to see them every day. It’s a sad thought that makes me think I’m better off not getting close to anyone. Wouldn’t it be easier if I could shut people out and surround myself with walls too high for anyone to climb? Wouldn’t it be better if I could detach myself from everyone so I would remain unaffected when they leave? Sure, it sucks when I get attached to people who end up leaving me, but I don’t think I would’ve been better off if I hadn’t gotten attached in the first place. I think the attachment is what makes things personal and intimate; it’s why you and someone get close enough to make memories. And even though parting is sad, I wouldn’t have it any other way. I keep thinking of all the good times I’ve had with people who are no longer in my life, and it gives my life meaning. If I’d been detached, there wouldn’t be much worth remembering, and there would be nothing to look back at and smile.

Things could change suddenly and that is both comforting and frightening, but life has a funny way of working itself out, and I now find comfort in believing that if a person is meant to be in your life, all the open doors and windows in the world won’t make them leave. So I try to make use of the time I have with everyone who hasn’t walked out of my life yet, and when they do, I’ll try not to indulge in sadness over their departure and consider the empty space they leave behind as room for someone new to walk in. And when getting attached to people gets too exhausting, we could always get attached to fictional characters… just make sure they’re not in a Charles Dickens novel because the last character I got attached to was guillotined.

35

SECTION OPINIONATED

By Sherif Elmashad

36 APRIL 2013 CAMPUS

NO ONE REALLY KNOWS WHEN IT ALL STARTED, BUT HAVEN’T YOU LATELY WOKEN UP TO A FEELING THAT EVERYTHING AROUND YOU IS A CHEAP REPLICA OF SOMETHING THAT YOU CAN’T QUITE REMEMBER? THAT THERE’S A GENERAL STATE OF ALL MEANINGS AND ACTS LOSING ALL POSSIBLE VALUE, AND AN INCREASE IN THE NUMBER OF HUMAN PRICE TAGS YOU SEE AROUND YOU WHEREVER YOU’RE WALKING? I’m not sure when I first noticed it, but somehow, the past two years gave me magnifying glasses instead of eyes. They gave me a clearer perspective on things, added depth to how I weigh words and analyze images. And wondering around, I could only think that maybe it was time we named this country ASOR (A State of Rokhs) instead of The Arab Republic of Egypt. Over the years, the State of Rokhs has been slipping through our fingers, overtaking every other governing value and replacing everything you can fall for or love in this place with a pale screwed up version of it. Somehow, and on a daily basis, this country continues to give up on the concept of moral or personal value, and embraces a general mood of “meh”.

To be clear about it, this is not a reminiscent article. It will not go on saying “feen ayamak ya Farouk/Nasser/Sadat/Mubarak/Elkhateeb/ She7ata… etc.” because I personally think this is one of the reasons why we’re here now.

This isn’t an article with pictures from the 50s of men in elegant suits and women in cute dresses sipping hot chocolate in L’American or having a picnic by the pyramids, because that’s one false big picture about the 50s. To be clearer, I’ve never seen this fancy Egypt, I can’t imagine it ever existed for “Egyptians” and I don’t see it happening anytime. What I am concerned with, on the other hand, is the almost absolute absence of meaning. Over the years, we over-chewed a lot of meanings and completely ignored others, and we find ourselves today standing naked as a nation, with no single meaning unifying us but anger.

Everyone is angry at someone and is tirelessly barking his lungs out at him. We have mastered the art of barking, yet no one usually has a

clue what he’s actually saying. We all know the same vocabulary, yet we all walk around with very different dictionaries. Everyone talks about freedom of speech, yet run to the DA’s office if anyone talks about them. Everyone brags about social justice, yet pursuits the same exact economical policies that have successfully proven failure worldwide and on a local scale. Everyone talks martyrs’ rights and the blind lady justice, yet in their quest for power, more blood is shed and lady justice stands deserted. And after all these meanings are over chewed and spit, people are only left with anger.

You see, it shows in every single detail in our lives in here. In music per instance, the mainstream industry part of it, there’s always this waiting for a trend that a certain star adopts, and then you have a year of hits following a single genre. Music has lost its diversity in favor of its commerciality. Now, every album has to have a club song, a house song, and/or a trance song. I notice this, and wonder how many clubs do we have exactly in Egypt? How many clubs do we have in the Arab world? And how many of them would actually play Arabic songs? Almost every album now has the “rokhs” label on it. Even the underground scene is soaking up on rokhs. Whether it’s the revolutionary songs (especially Elshiekh Emam’s that everyone is covering now), or the connections; “Her brother is playing in that band, and she’s famous and all, so yeah, WE MUST BELIEVE HE ROCKS TOO”, or even the “undergroundyet-mainstream-wannabe” that technically ruins my favorite genres. The underground scene has taken itself down because of the same rokhs that has been gnawing at it because of that inexplicable love for the mainstream.

In writing, it’s basically the same. Or, on second thought, in writing, it’s way worse.

See, contrary to common urban legend, Egypt has seen some truly great writers, by every standard there is. Naguib Mahfouz for instance is a genius that this country has only seen once. Yet, when evaluating what Egypt now classifies as “literature”, you find yourself living in a Greek drama. With a lot of talents available, people are constantly favoriting “funny writings” that are not even funny. People have lost their taste for arts and literature, and have taken

“mediocre” as their standard. Even our daily jokes themselves, are served with a rokhs wrapping. It always needs to be extra sexoriented, extra profane or extra taboo-breaking to be funny. Other than that, they’re usually served next to a smiling Yao Ming meme and go viral on Facebook.

Yet, what I truly think is our most pathetic shot at rokhs, is our shot at fascism. I personally think we’ve always had an amazing record at fascism, ever since the pharaohs. There’s always been this urban legend that you can’t rule Egypt but with an iron fist bla bla, then came the revolution bla bla, the SCAF more bla bla, and then we finally got an elected president. And with him, came the hope that he’ll be smarter than to think that Egypt is still to be ruled in the same way. Sadly enough, it didn’t happen. And where Egyptians hoped to see plans for their future being made, they saw a very hazy, pale, hesitant image of a developing fascist wannabe. They saw a lot of finger pointing, a lot of yelling and a whole bucket of threats, and they dealt with them exactly the way they should be dealt with: with laughter instead of fear. Why? Even as a fascist, without the proper tools, your fire will burn nobody but you at the end. And instead of investing in the amazing potential that we as a nation had, we’re now living a reality that can only be labeled as “rekheesa”, where a bunch of people are fighting over an authority they don’t even own.

Are there other aspects of “rokhs”? Of course there are, whether it’s the Okka/Ortega music sweeping the country, the TV ads where multinationals brag about how much good they’re doing the society, or those same multinationals milking social media to the last drop, the “All Star Ghanny M3ana” programs where bags of Botox sit in judging panels, our daily violation of every possible copyright there is, the revolutionary induced joke formats, or our Egyptian drama. “Rokhs” is basically everywhere, and is bound to be the only value we stick to in life.

37

OPINIONATED

Beautiful Lies Coming to peace with the fact that lying is okay IT HAS ALWAYS BEEN CONSIDERED BAD, WRONG AND SINFUL. OUR PARENTS DID THEIR BEST TO RAISE US NOT TO LIE; AS A KID, I WAS PUNISHED THE MOST WHEN I LIED THAN WHEN I MADE ANY OTHER MISTAKE. MY FATHER ALWAYS USED TO SAY “LIARS DON’T DESERVE ANYTHING” AND “LIARS DISGUST ME.” ACCORDINGLY, I GREW UP BELIEVING THAT LYING IS THE MOST UNFORGIVABLE SIN OF ALL. I MADE SURE THAT NO MATTER WHAT I DID, I’M GOING TO TELL THE TRUTH AND DEAL WITH THE CONSEQUENCES. IT ALWAYS SOUNDED BETTER – AND EASIER– THAN HAVING TO JUSTIFY A LIE.

38 APRIL 2013 CAMPUS

By Amy Quotb

And the Truth Is

I grew up functioning based on what I was raised to believe, and for years, I had to put up with the horrible consequences of being honest. But one adapts to one’s surroundings. As human beings, we learn to observe and adjust.

We change things about ourselves –whenever possible– to better suit our environment. It’s mere evolution, that’s what it is.

And the matter of fact is, my dad was wrong, in all good intention of course.

My father taught me something that almost screwed me over completely.

Everybody Lies, Sometimes

Let’s be honest here for a moment (ironically enough), but can you actually claim that you don’t resort to lying as often as the next guy? Ok, let me refresh your memory…

“Alo, aywa I’ll be ready and out the door in 5 minutes!” – Because if you say “15 minutes” they’ll go ballistic.

“It wasn’t me!” – Because it’s really not worth fighting over.

“Oh, yeah, I totally agree with you! She/he was wrong!” – Because their problem doesn’t really matter to you, but they’re your friend and you have to take their side anyways.

“Thank you so much! I love it!” – Because otherwise you’re an insensitive jerk.

“Yeah, you look great in that dress.” – Well, what’s done is done and she paid for it already.

“Things would have been different if I was there!” – Because I’m frickin’ Superman.

“No, officer… I have no idea how fast I was going.” – Yeah right.

“Yeah, I’ll start working on that ASAP!” – Because telling you I have twelve more important tasks to do first would just irritate you.

“And I fought them all by myself” – Again, I’m fricken’ Superman!

“Oh! I thought I already sent that email out. I’m sure I did! Wait, let me resend…” – Because telling you that I forgot all about your precious email would probably hurt our relationship.

See my point there?

And I bet that everybody knows that if it weren’t for all these lies floating around us every day, we would have lost tens of friendships, jobs, and possibly even entire marriages.

High and Mighty

With our constant need to justify, we human beings have given our lies names: white lies are good lies, because they come from good intentions. Sure, I don’t mind. But if it looks like a duck and walks like a duck, it is a duck. If you’re saying something that’s NOT the truth, then it is a lie. Don’t try to sugarcoat it, AND don’t make it sound worse than it is either!

Those who act oh-so-shocked when they discover that someone lied to them; what planet are you from? No, really. Go back up to the list above and tell me if you’ve never told a lie, then come back around and judge those who do.

Some Perspective

Apparently, I have reached the conclusion that lying is okay years ago, but watching Ricky Gervais’ genius piece, The Invention of Lying, sort of confirmed my thoughts. If you haven’t seen it yet, I won’t spoil it for you. But I tell you, you probably should. Just imagine the world without lies, and what developed the need to invent them. Purely and utterly brilliant.

And this is no lie: Ricky and I neither have a relationship that I need to maintain, nor will I get a commission by recommending this movie. But then again, we all need some perspective every now and then.

39

we’re hiring!

If you thought it was impossible to have a job and to have fun at the same time, think again!

G Mag is looking for an experienced, creative and kickass senior editor who knows the ins and outs of the city and who knows how to think out of the box.

Don’t bother applying if: -dammak semm -you don’t have at least 2-3 years editing experience -you’re not over and beyond fluent in English -you can’t come up with creative ideas on a daily basis -you like to sit on your couch and do nothing else with your days -you’re not 117% dedicated to writing and editing -you don’t like food -you’re not up to date on the latest movies, events, venues and other buzzworthy things going on in Cairo -you don’t like to have fun!

If you tick our requirements, then send us your CV and at least 2 samples of writing to

l.tapozada@corerepublic.net Good luck and may the force be with you.

] PATTERNS SECTION ]

The

Stretch

Mark Dilemma

By Noha Youssef

42 APRIL 2013 CAMPUS

HI, I AM NOHA AND I AM A PRODUCTOHOLIC. IS THAT EVEN A WORD? WELL, I GUESS WRITERS HAVE THE RIGHT TO COME UP WITH NEW WORDS FROM TIME TO TIME, NO? BEING A PHARMACIST AND A FASHION/BEAUTY BLOGGER HAS GIVEN ME THE CHANCE TO INCREASE MY LOVE FOR TRYING A LOT OF DIFFERENT PRODUCTS, AND SLOWLY, I HAVE TURNED INTO THE PRODUCT JUNKIE I AM TODAY. And I’ll be sharing my product endeavors with you!

As the summer breeze starts to hit, the crowds start to hit the gyms, getting ready to squeeze their bellies inside bikinis and Speedos.

Nevertheless, one of the most important things when it comes to losing weight remains unfortunately neglected: protecting your skin from stretch marks. A lot of people don’t know what stretch marks are, some just have it and don’t know what it is, some think because they are thin they can never have them. I was one of those people, till I met the perfect guy, fell in love, got married and had a baby. And that’s when I realized –the hard way– what stretch marks mean. So when anyone asks the same old question: “What comes after love?”- The correct answer is not marriage, it is stretch marks.

Even being in the medical field didn’t make me aware of what stretch marks are; I always thought it’s something that obese or overweight people may suffer from. I never thought that the ex-ballerina, me, would ever face that problem. After six months of pregnancy though, during a visit to my doctor, he asked me which lotion I was using for stretch marks, and my answer was “none”. He raised his eyebrows, because her personally knows me and how obsessed I am with beauty products. He told me that almost 70% of pregnant women can have stretch marks while they are expecting. Freaked out, I went home and did my research.

The question here is: What are the stretch marks?

Basically, they are scars; our skin has certain elasticity, every person’s skin is different, when we lose or gain weight, the skin stretches out to a certain degree according to each’s own elasticity. After that, if the body keeps on gaining or losing weight, it will start to tear out; creating scars that look like a tiger immersed his paws in your flesh.

What to do to avoid them?

Moisturize, moisturize and moisturize. If you are expecting, or planning to put on or lose a big amount of weight, you have to deeply moisturize your skin with a very good moisturizer. Choose something that contains olive oil, vitamin E. cocoa butter.

I already have them what should I do?

We have to acknowledge the fact that stretch marks are one of the most stubborn dermatologic problems that doctors can’t find a 100% cure for.

Only laser treatment can help eliminate 80% of them, but these treatments are too damn expensive that you have to sell your kidney to remove the scars on your belly or thighs. Most of the lotions and creams that claim to help eliminate them can improve how they look by only 20% after six months of continuous usage.

But then comes a miraculous lotion whose efficiency is agreed on by a lot of dermatologists. Strivectin is one of the best products that scientist have ever developed to help with stretched scar problems. It consists of natural peptides, which are the collagens that produce proteins, so when absorbed into skin, they will help build up skin layers, gradually making stretch marks vanish. Most other products will only contain moisturizing ingredients to just renew the skin, whereas Strivectin will renew the skin and rebuild it at the same time. It has a strong minty scent, and a little bit greasy, but it works miracles. Medical studies showed that after six months of use, women with severe damaged scar tissues and even wrinkles have shown amazing results. It’s one of the world’s best sellig skin products, with one bottle being sold every 59 seconds. One of the good things about Strivectin is that it works on both the red and the white stretch marks; it’s known that once your stretch marks turn white, it’s kind of impossible to remove them, but it somehow fades them and mixes them with the normal skin tone. The one drawback is that its price tag is somewhat the high side. But it will still be cheaper compared to laser treatments.

It can be found in big pharmacies across Cairo and Alexandria.

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SECTION PATTERNS

The Country That Killed Summer Clothes THE ANNUAL HEAT HAS STARTED TO DESCEND UPON US, AND IT’S ANY NORMAL HUMAN BEING’S NATURAL INSTINCT TO, YOU KNOW, NOT SUFFOCATE TO DEATH. IN COUNTRIES THAT BELIEVE IN SUCH THINGS AS LOGIC AND COMMON SENSE, PEOPLE WEAR LESS CLOTHING SO AS NOT TO COLLAPSE OF HEAT STROKE. Well, we Egyptians have common sense and logic too, but we also have extenuating factors that work against that. Let’s take a look at some of the items of clothing that the First World countries are frolicking around in to their hearts’ content, while we sweat our buns off in jeans and other “Cairo-friendly” items.

1. Short-ish skirts and dresses.

If there’s any leg to be seen, well then you are reduced to the equivalent of a Thanksgiving Day turkey just waiting to be eaten.

And do not ever think of wearing a hem length short enough to show some thigh, there’s no skirt cute enough for the trauma of parading around Cairo in that.

2. Flip-flops in the city.

Let’s face it, the streets of Vienna we are not. No one is going to masturbate to your toes, but at the same time the sheer amount of mud and dirt and dust and sand and garbage and urine that we wander through each day is heart-stopping. One day of wandering around Cairo in your flip-flops and you’ll have the feet of a coal-miner.

3. Tank tops.

Not quite sure why a little upper arm jiggle is worth harassing, bas aho ba2a. I think the sexual harassers just get so dumbfounded --”it’s a whole ARM!”-- that seeing a shoulder becomes a commodity.

4. Anything scoop-necked or V-necked.

Obviously, it’s nice to keep your neck and chest area cool. But if the neanderthals on the street are going to get turned on by your elbow, then just the idea that there are boobs in that general vicinity will have them frothing at the mouth.

5. High heels.

Yeah yeah, we all have those cute summery sandals and wedges and heels that make our ass look good. But trying to meander through Cairo streets, with its potholes, speed bumps, garbage, uneven gravel and no sidewalks is just guaranteeing that you’ll be falling on that good-looking ass.

6. Shorts.

I wish! I WISH!

Tips to make dressing in summer a little easier: 1. You can get away with wearing a tank top or something a bit low-cut as long as you have a long, opaque and lightweight shawl that you cover yourself with at all times on the street. Once you reach your safe destination, let the arms come out and play.

2. If you’re wearing a skirt or dress, then minimize time on the streets as much as possible. Park your car right in front of the office, use valets at restaurant/cafes, etc.

3. Invest in those light, short-sleeve long cardigans that cover your hips and butt. That way you can wear tight pants or anything else form-fitting but have it hidden from the beasts on the street. You can then take it off when you’re away from prying eyes.

44 APRIL 2013 CAMPUS

] THE GAY SECTION SECTION

]

How to Win a Breakup

By Menna Tarek

ALRIGHT, BEFORE WE GO THROUGH WITH THIS, ASK YOURSELF IF YOU REALLY NEED TO BE WINNING THE BREAKUP.

I WOULD FEEL TERRIBLE IF I GIVE YOU TIPS TO WINNING A BREAKUP IF YOU ALREADY ARE, BECAUSE THEN I’D BE JUST BE TURNING YOU INTO A BEAST. CUT THE POOR PERSON ON THE OTHER SIDE SOME SLACK, YOU CAN’T POSSIBLY BE THAT MEAN.

OK, winning a breakup is fairly simple. It mainly consists of you living for yourself and actually completely overlooking your hidden intention of winning the breakup.

But now that this formula has been put into words, it doesn’t sound that simple, does it?

I know that they were your ‘one’, that you can’t bear the thought of not thinking about them for a few minutes, that you shared promises and dreams, that the sex was mind-blowing, that their family loved you and all of that. But as heartbreaking as it may sound, this does not mean that they will regret this or that they share your line of thought or that they will come running back.

Just because you still have feelings for them does not mean that they “should” have feelings for you too.

Hear me out, you will get through this is in no time.

This is why winning is important. It helps you focus on yourself and what you want to do with your life, in addition to exploring things that you were

46 APRIL 2013 CAMPUS

unable to while being with them. Of course, winning –in an abstract sense– has different meanings for different types of people. In breakups, it ranges from not killing yourself when they left to getting rich and famous. I will try to break it down into bullet points for you guys:

Avoid Them

Maintaining contact with them is highly unrecommended. You are going through detox and you need this phase to pass quickly for you to jump into living sober and happy. No facebook stalking, no thoughts of saying hi when their name pops up on any form of online messenger, and no passive aggressive tweets. The silent treatment works wonders for you and them alike. Don’t go as extreme as closing down all your accounts; you have a life beyond them and this is something you need to prove to yourself before anyone else.

Instead of cocooning, focus on what you like tweeting or blogging about, reconnect with old friends, stay connected with what is happening in town and keep yourself busy doing what you want with the company you want. These times are precious I tell you.

This Is About You

Stop focusing on how cool they became once the breakup happened.

The person they are dating now is irrelevant, so is the new job/car/ nose/friends. Try freeing this winning scheme from the concept of competition. I consider this the hardest bit especially if you are a natural competition freak. Reevaluate your life. Don’t like the job? Change it.

Toxic friends who chose to be on the other side of this breakup? Cut them loose. Family is giving you a hard time about the breakup? Get better at something and they will get off your back. Me me me time.

Don’t think about anything else.

Don’t Use Other People as You Go No fling with their best friend, no fling with a person who is interested in you while all you care about is making your ex jealous, no sudden decisions to get with your best friend, nothing involving another person’s feelings in order to get back at your ex. It always turns ugly, it puts you in even deeper shit, it is meaningless and useless and they will probably see right through it.

Unlike chick flicks, you are not special; it won’t all just work out magically when you knowingly screw things up.

Take Down the Comparison Chart

In the event that you meet someone who interests you, do know that they are not your ex. If your mind can’t accept that fact, you will end up f*cking it up. Try having a new approach to the whole relationship thing.

Look at what you DON’T want for a change. This is a new opportunity for you to pick and choose, do not throw it away.

Beat Them In Your Own Field

If your ex is a writer, and you’re a doctor, you don’t want to be a better writer than they are, you want to be the best kind of doctor that has ever existed.

assigned to play the role of “our song” for a while. The things that you have always liked are still yours. Don’t have them take that away from you.

Control Yourself

Anything that you pull off impulsively with the intention of getting to them will only make you look terrible and will not get to them. Don’t hack any accounts, don’t slap anyone, don’t burn anything and don’t make the perfect plan on how to ruin their life. Trust karma with your revenge and have it work its mysterious ways. But these things take time. Don’t wait for the boiling pot.

The Best Kind of Revenge is Actually Living

Get your life together and forget about them. Don’t wait for their praise or frown. They do not exist to you. Introduce new experiences to your life, learn something, teach something, or maybe just get hotter (we all have that one ex who got hotter).

And that’s the most important aspect of the breakup, because it should be what the previous points merge into. In short, live for yourself, knowing that everything might just fall into place without you having to plan it.

Mark Your Territory

Which songs are yours and which are theirs? Which hang-outs? Which favorite spots? These things are like the “kids” in a divorce. Don’t let it all come crashing down on you. Still like your favorite song, even if it was

47

] SCREENS SECTION SHELVES & SPEAKERS ]

The Story of an Astoundingly Brilliant Creeper

By Mirette Osama 48 APRIL 2013 CAMPUS

IT IS HARD TO HEAR SOMEONE MENTION THE TERM ‘INSANITY’ WITHOUT HECTOR BERLIOZ COMING TO MIND, BECAUSE FOR A GENIUS, HE WAS PRETTY MUCH BATSH*T INSANE. HE WAS ONE OF THE GREATEST COMPOSERS OF ALL TIME AND THE ONE LIVING COMPETITION GREY’S ANATOMY COULD EVER HAVE. THIS IS THE STORY OF BERLIOZ: A CHICK AT HEART, AND A PSYCHOTIC ONE AT THAT. Hector Berlioz, a French composer, wrote “Symphonie Fantastique”, the world’s greatest love letter, expressing his unrequited love to the woman who didn’t even know he existed. Sounds romantic, doesn’t it? If Hector Berlioz were alive today, he would have probably won the world’s best creeper award. Actually, he would’ve collected more restraining orders on his stalker trophy shelve than a boy scout selling cookies up Playboy Mansion Avenue collects medals. Now don’t get me wrong, it’s a masterpiece and his emotional range has proven to be unsurpassed and has set the trend for the genre. All I’m saying is that there’s a fine line between genius and insane, and this guy has pirouetted and tap danced all over the line tied between a French scaffold and a Roman cathedral.

You’d think the world’s greatest love letter would be about the actual chick in question, right? Wrong. “Symphonie Fantastique” was an emotional autobiography of the composer, glorifying every obsession, memory and impulse he’d had since he was a little boy.

And considering the fact that at 16 he was diagnosed with what was then known as ‘disease of isolation’, extreme mood swings and obsessive compulsive behavior, he had a lot to get off of his chest. The composition is everything he felt while he was around her, and he felt a lot of things that didn’t exist or could never have been for someone who had never actually been around her. The idée fixe theme hung over every bit of the piece, signifying her looming presence in his every thought… Or rather, his looming presence in her everywhere.

Back then, there were two sensations: Beethoven and his third symphony that had set the precedence for embarking on uncharted territory, and Shakespeare’s plays. The theatre’s production of Shakespeare’s work was prolific, yet the cast was the same; casting a melodramatic tacky Harriet Smithson as Bianca, Ophelia, Desdemona and Juliet. Berlioz couldn’t understand English but he attended every play and watched her, became obsessed with her, and fell madly in love. He decided to write “Symphonie Fantastique” to attract her attention.

The symphony of five movements captured pretty much everything the composer ever went through, and it was because of that that the composer brought in every instrument that you could think of. In the first movement, the symphony begins with the tune that he composed when he was a little boy, right after he snuck into his father’s study, found his pastoral romance stash and fell in love with a protagonist called Estelle, only to be taken by his family for a visit to his neighbor’s niece who was also called Estelle. At 12, transference and hormones successfully demented kid Berlioz to fall in love with her. He was crushed when the older woman didn’t feel the same way, and wrote a tune describing his imaginary suffering, which he used to open up the symphony and expose us to his vulnerabilities with a growling bass and shrill laughter of string arpeggios.

Everything was based on the idée fixe, and in turn about Harriet Smithson; it was a series of outbursts that mellowed out into aloofness only to explode into a frenzy and collapse. He was hopelessly fixated and his frustrations drilled a hole in every instrumentalist’s fingers as they tried to keep up with the composer’s bars and measures. The organ comes in as he tries to seek conciliation in religion, and after three months of working on these two movements, personally hiring and paying musicians, mapping out the place to produce the right echo from every instrument, Harriett doesn’t show up to the premiere.

instruments create the noise that the party is making. This is probably what it sounded like in his head at the time as he tried to catch a glimpse of her on the opposite side of the room, with the idée fixe theme drowned in the background as she gets swallowed by the crowd. Berlioz, the butler, doesn’t get the chick of his dreams in his dreams either.

The third movement brings in yet another flashback from his childhood of growing up near the Alps, rocking out a cowherd’s melody on the principal English horn, that he meticulously echoed by an oboe off stage.

This movement took the longest time to write, being a confessional of sorts, where he pours out his heart’s deepest desires only to explode into a violent fit of rage as he imagines seeing her with another man. Tremolo seethes off violins as he loses the girl of his dreams, who doesn’t know he exists, to a man that doesn’t exist, in an affair that never happened, breaking his heart that she never knew beat for her. The Timpani set an illusion of a thunderstorm on the horizon, that later collapse into a sinister close.

The fourth movement is right about the time you’d start wondering if he was popping LSD, as the sinister close provides a transition into a march reminiscent of the French revolution, as he’s being marched to the guillotine to pay for murdering the other man out of jealousy. The crowd cheers for his execution, and music lunges forward with every tug on his chains, and he remembers his beloved with the slightest hint of idée fixe as his head rolls down the scaffold, cheered by a blood-lusty audience at justice served.

Reminder: He still hadn’t met her.

As if it couldn’t get worse, the fifth movement is a black Sabbath eve’s dream, where his soul is met by evil spirits, monsters and sorcerers at his own funeral. Cellos growl, violins laugh, flutes shout and clarinets echo it all, and with the commotion, his beloved emerges as an evil witch that revels in his death. Bells clang and the principal tuba plays the evil villain leading the voodoo ritual, breaking it all down into a fugue.

The movement explodes in a disharmonious parody of all the previous movements, bringing history with jealousy, rage with the romantic ball and breaking down, all at once, by his eternal damnation. The symphony ends in despair.

But that’s when the real drama began.

Harriett, who was broke at the time as her company was failing and couldn’t afford seats to the event, was sent tickets by Berlioz to the best seats of the house. And upon realizing that the symphony was about her, that the idée fixe was indeed her, needless to say, she was scared sh*tless.

He spent several months pursuing her until she broke her ankle rushing out of a carriage, and in her vulnerability he went up to her with a vial of opium, downing it all, producing an antidote and telling her that if she doesn’t agree to marry him, he won’t take the antidote and die right in front of her. Since restraining orders weren’t hip in the 1800s, Harriett finally agrees to marry her psychotic stalker, and they led a sh*tty married life. Nobody cared about their timeless love story or about Berlioz’s musical prominence anymore until they broke up. He then spent a couple of years pursuing her until she died, and he requested to be buried in the same grave.

They say no great mind has ever existed without a touch of madness, others proposed that madness is indeed ingenuity that hasn’t been tempered to meet social needs, but all I know is this: when they eventually coined it, Berlioz should have gotten a cut.

He doesn’t give up.

The second movement is a waltz, a dream ball where he is in the same party she is but can’t get her attention no matter how hard he tries, because as everyone daydreams they’re Batman, Berlioz fantasizes of being the butler. He brings in not one, but two harps, only in this movement, that play in harmony in the background as a myriad of other

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A SPECIAL HALAL TURKISH DELIGHT