Life autumn 2018

Edition 9, Issue 30 - 2018

LIFE

IN THIS ISSUE Wellbeing & Personal Growth Restoring Wholeness Sowing and Reaping and mony more

WELCOME....

The LIFE publication is produced quarterly. Our desire is to bring you stories and articles that will encourage, inspire and perhaps even challenge you as you journey through life.

Life is a journey with many twists and turns, valleys and mountains, laughter and sorrows. It is not always how we start that matters, rather how we choose to live everyday with the options and choices that are before us.

Today choose to live and love, your life!

Table of Contents Edition 9, Issue 30 - 2018 ........................................................................................ 1

Health Checks ....................................................................................................2 Wellbeing & Personal Growth ...........................................................................3 Random Ponderings‌ .......................................................................................4 Groupthink ........................................................................................................ 5 Sowing and Reaping ..........................................................................................6 Restoring Wholeness......................................................................................... 7 The Pros & Cons of Fixated Interests & ASD .................................................... 8 Fousing ............................................................................................................ 10

of the relationships with which they have surrounded themselves. Just as we feed our physical body, the people we surround ourselves with feed our emotional health.

Health Checks Candy Daniels From the moment a woman finds out she is pregnant, the life within her continues to have health checks. The expectant mother often begins to consider how her wellbeing impacts the wellbeing of her unborn child. That first ultrasound confirms that there is a heartbeat. That heartbeat is a significant part of the initial physical health check we have. Once born, a baby undergoes several health checks; these again consider the physical aspect of their health.

I would like you to further consider when the last time was you had a spiritual health check.

We can often be spiritually unhealthy when our deepest values and the things from which we gain meaning for living seem to be missing. The peace and sense of purpose needed for developing connection with others arises from within our spirits. It is by having a healthy spirit that we can maintain our emotional health and deal with the things of life that cause anxieties. It is by maintaining a healthy spirit that we are propelled to be courageous to pursue the things we dream about.

We continue to have physical health checks throughout our lives from conception to death. Many of us spend our time ensuring we are physically healthy. We determine how physically healthy we are by our weight to height ratio, how well our organs function and if we contain all the physical attributes we consider essential for maintaining or surviving life.

When someone is physically fit and active we would consider them to be healthy.

It is time that we look at ourselves holistically.

If you want to be healthy, consider health checks that give you a physical, emotional, mental, relational and spiritual outlook as your starting point. I further encourage you to pay close attention to your vocational and financial health.

Every part of us that contributes to our wellbeing is important. We can’t afford to ignore any part. Today I encourage you to adopt holistic care, because you are worth it.

If, or when, our behaviour doesn’t add up to how we perceive someone should behave, we begin to consider our mental or emotional health. This often begins the journey for many on the road to having mental health checks. When they are considered to be mentally healthy or of sound mind, their emotions and how they react to situations begin to be questioned.

It has long been understood medically that our physical, mental and emotional health plays an important part in our overall health. Yet often we don’t consider the other parts that make us who we are. Consider when the last time was you had a health check that examined how you connected or related with others. After all, we are relational beings and the connections we have contribute to our wellbeing. I have seen those who are emotionally unhealthy because LIFE Edition 9, Issue 30

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Wellbeing & Personal Growth Donna Hunter

to question and develop knowledge grows with it, and throughout adolescence we become intellectually independent, often questioning, disagreeing or recreating this reality to how we see it and how we want it to be. This allows for our mind to be open to continued learning, which last a lifetime. We are always learning intentionally and unintentionally.

“If we don’t change, we don’t grow. If we don’t grow, we aren’t really living” - Gail Sheehy Life, regardless of what we do, seems like a journey to find happiness and fulfilment, leading us to try things that will either relieve us of our unhappiness or give us more happiness.

But what if happiness is not just the absence of unhappiness, but an impermanent condition which gives opportunity for creative change towards personal growth? Anticipation of being happy ‘all the time’ does not allow us to outgrow previously-learnt thinking, feeling and behavioral patterns which can contribute to life dissatisfaction and stress. What we don’t often recognize is that we all have an everlasting yearning to grow, coming from either an aspiration to become something more than who we are or desperation to rid ourselves of something we dislike. Regardless of the reason, the process and need for personal growth never ends. If we identify our need and commit to it, it benefits ourselves, our families and others, through building stronger, healthier relationships, now and for generations to come.

So, we choose who we become. Or do we?

Unfortunately, for most people the subconscious mind, formed during early childhood, can shape 95% or more of experiences throughout life. Although we think we are creating the life we desire, we can be on autopilot, running automated programs from the past.

This would not be a problem if life was perfect and the only messages we heard and internalized were, ‘you are smart’, ‘you are beautiful’, ‘you are loved’. But we don’t. What if we heard messages like ‘you are worthless’, ‘you are useless’, ‘you won’t amount to anything’?

These messages, both positive and negative, go deep into the subconscious mind and form part of the foundation of our belief about selfworth. As adults, if we notice we struggle with relationships, a personal sense of worthlessness may be a contributing factor. It is when people stop learning that they become stuck in their ability to grow and move from the life they have to the life they desire. Don’t worry, we all do it!

We learn about ourselves, others and the world via three specific pathways: through the views of others (beliefs and faith), through the formation of our own views (intellectual evaluation) and through observation (direct experience). The foundation of what we believe now as adults is learnt predominantly from listening to and observing others from conception and throughout childhood, giving us our sense of reality. Eventually, the views of our parents, grandparents and teachers, etc., become ours through a process of internalization, becoming part of our programming within the subconscious mind. Progressively, this process creates the configuration of our neural pathways in the brain, ultimately shaping who we become and what we believe. As our minds grow, our need LIFE Edition 9, Issue 30

The subconscious mind is the storehouse of instincts and learnt experiences. Its job is to create automatic responses to environmental stimulus and is fundamentally habitual. For example, you might get angry at the kids and your partner might say ‘you sound just like your father’. Even though you may have made a conscious choice not to be like him, you find it difficult to control anger when stimulated by the kids pressing your buttons. This is a negative stimulus response to a behaviour program learnt when young. It has positive programs too, like reminding us how to ride a bike when we want to. On the other hand, the conscious 2018

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mind represents our personal identity, spirit and is the creative part of the mind and can be far less powerful, but it doesn’t have to stay that way. In our conscious mind we can look towards the future, reflect on the past, or disconnect from the present moment. We can problem solve, learn new things, and in its creative capacity we can think positively and have wishes, desires and aspirations for our life. But what happens when the desires and aspirations of our conscious mind conflict with the automated programming of our subconscious mind? Which one would win? The subconscious mind often wins, and we are oblivious to its control. When we struggle to obtain our goals, we can often think we are the victim of external forces. However, it is often our own self-defeating, self-sabotaging programming of the subconscious mind operating outside of the observation and control of the conscious mind dictating everyday decisions.

through what I have learnt from my own personal growth. Which brings me to my last point, regarding how to reprogram unhelpful internalized beliefs and develop a more powerful conscious mind and a happier, healthier life.

Modern science has discovered that we are not prisoners of our traumatic pasts and that the plasticity of the brain allows for continual growth throughout the whole of life. This happens through integration of the three ways of acquiring knowledge described above. Using experiential learning, balanced with the views of others we have not yet learnt from, we can question and reformulate our own unhelpful views to create personal growth and wellbeing.

Predominantly, working mindfully to observe bodily sensations that reflect our internal condition is the most reliable way of acquiring self-knowledge to create a sense of knowing and wellbeing. Doing so marks the difference between just intellectual reasoning and mind/body wisdom.

When we think about it, our words and actions are the representation of our thoughts, creating both our reality and, through the co-creation of relationships, that of those around us. From a biblical perspective, the tongue has the power of life or death and we reap the fruit of the one we use (Prov. 18:21). In the beginning of Genesis (1:1-29), God, through thinking, speaks creation into existence and says, ‘it was good’.

Therefore, as we are made in His image, we too create with our words through the process of thought and choose what we create. The Bible identifies God as all powerful (Is. 40:28), all knowing (Ps. 147:5) and ever-present (Ps. 139:7-10), which makes me think God is very conscious of what He thinks and we can be also.

This article reflects my own mindful journey in finding genuine contentment and wellbeing and I invite you to join with me towards your own personal reflection and growth. If at any time questions arise or you identify a need for further support on your journey, please make an appointment with myself or any of the other qualified counsellors @LIFE through www.lifewellbeingservices.com.au

Random Ponderings…

Trudy Buchanan

So, I ask, are you happy with who you have become? Are you finding genuine contentment and wellbeing in your life? Does life work well for you? Are your relationships strong and healthy? I ask these questions because like many other people, I am on a journey to understanding why life doesn’t work well, how to make it work better and how to help others LIFE Edition 9, Issue 30

We saw the passing of Stephen Hawking. For me, his life and death have offered some great lessons and challenges. Whether or not we agree with his worldview, I find his story admirable. At 21, Hawking was diagnosed with ALS and given only two years to live, yet he lived for another 50. Despite his ravaged body, 2018

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Groupthink

the level of effort and tenacity he exerted to make use of the strengths he still had blows my mind. With very limited working muscles it took him five minutes to provide a 44-character answer using his voice simulator, yet he wrote books and did many interviews. Overcoming his diagnosis to consider using a voice simulator shows the ability of humankind to problem-solve and overcome adversity. With his obvious limited human capacity, he impacted the world in epic proportions.

Jodie Chambers Groupthink is a term first used to describe the failed attempt by President Kennedy to overthrow Fidel Castro in 1961 in the Bay of Pigs invasion. The attempt was said to have failed because the advisors Kennedy had employed were more interested in pleasing the president and telling him what he wanted to hear than working through the best way to approach the issue. The definition of groupthink is ‘the practice of thinking or making decisions as a group, resulting typically in unchallenged, poor-quality decision-making’. The group is said to ‘take irrational actions or overestimate their positions or moral rights.’ There are many definitions and examples you can find on the internet. One such example is the current refugee crisis many countries are facing and how communities and governments talk about refugees in general. What group or community are they listening to and are they only listening to the views they want to hear? On a personal note, we can be accused of being irrational, over-inflating our importance or being morally righteous when we put our opinions forward without allowing for disagreement and discussion. Relationships based on pleasing others or not upsetting a group of people can also be seen along the definition of groupthink in that you may be too frightened to voice your opinion or be too rigid in your views.

A challenge I take from his death is this: how much do we allow the prescription in our lives to determine our story and resulting outcomes?

How much of our life do we allow the prescription of our own self-critical thinking, the opinions and approval of others, or the limitations of our physicality and emotional state to determine our story? Stephen Hawking aptly illustrates that our human capacity and limitations don’t have to define who we are, what we contribute to and influence.

Our humanity provides us with variable strengths and weaknesses, limited capacities, flaws and our own sense of inadequacy. Despite these limitations, however, we can be tenacious; we can find meaning to contribute to our world using the strengths and capacities we do possess. This can offer hope despite what life throws at us, suggesting we can make a difference, big or small. There are times we need to push through our own stuff and make an effort; there are also times when we need to rest to restore and develop capacity. This is one thing Stephen Hawking’s life has challenged me with — that at any time, despite capacity and circumstances, I can find meaning, have hope and make a difference in some way in my sphere of influence. Sometimes this difference will be bright, shiny and big; other times it will be less shiny, appear insignificant and small. But in the end, it all counts in changing the world we live in and influencing those we interact with.

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Over the years I have learnt an important lesson when it comes to relationships that allows for disagreement and discussion and that is this: I am not them. I am my own person. I have ways I do things that help me feel good about myself and ways I want to live my life. I cannot make another person ‘me’ and I need to be careful that I am not allowing another to make me like them. My needs and desires are valid. Secondly, to be the best me I can be I need to understand that I am in relationship with another human being that has feelings, ideas, experiences and opinions. They are not 2018

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me and they are just as important and valid as me.

being pulled into a conflict, or worse still, being accused as an ‘ist’ or an ‘ic’.

It can be hard to stand up for yourself when you feel alone and on the outer, or what you have to say may upset the group you are with.

However, when you ‘run with the crowd’ or ‘go along with things’ you are contributing to an environment that is unhealthy. You are not being you, and you are not validating yourself.

In this day of political correctness and tolerance you can be seen as an ‘ist’ or an ‘ic’ if you speak out (racist, feminist, chauvinist, homophobic, legalistic, etc.). We need to be careful that these labels have not been placed on us as a way of shutting down discussion and debate. Also, keep check on ourselves that you are not falling into a groupthink mentality where you only choose to hear what you want.

I will admit that at times I myself have fitted into some of these labels and can tell you they create more disharmony than unity along with me not being the person I want to be. I try to take the time to better understand my and others’ viewpoints to come to a better understanding of my own opinions. A healthy opinion is one that can be challenged and changed as more knowledge is gained otherwise we may find ourselves in the realm of an ‘ist’ or an ‘ic’.

Being politically correct or being tolerant sound to me like labels that don’t promote discussion. I am not always correct and there are things in my life that don’t feel good to me.

However, rather than try and make someone else validate me or accept me I need to first allow disagreement to be part of being human and not part of being an ‘ist’ or an ‘ic’.

Sowing and Reaping Melody Durand I have been an ambitious person from as far back as I can remember. The main objective was to achieve an expected outcome and revel in the praise from that accomplishment.

I would enquire of others, “do you like it?”, “did I do a good job?”, “are you proud of me?”, or “did I do it right?”. My mood depended on constant feedback regarding what a ‘great job’ I was doing. With that being my people-pleasing motive, I did get a fair share of commendation. In the process, I looked at life as a demanding sprint – start and get to the finish-point as soon as I can. I started to strive for perfection – to ascertain good or bad decisions or determine a right or wrong outcome, with the result being pride or disappointment. This dependency shattered or built my self-esteem. Living with this kind of constant judgment left me anxious and with low self-esteem and also resulted in damaged relationships.

To grow and contribute meaningfully to our society we are at our best when we allow ourselves to have our beliefs challenged. When we only associate with people who think the same as us, then we contribute to a society that is small and excluding. To avoid being and ‘ist’ or an ‘ic’ we need to remember that in the end we are all human beings looking for a place to belong where we are accepted and loved.

Life happens! Necessity leads to exploration, so, to borrow an expression from Oprah, my ‘ah hah moment’ - The purpose and value of being a CEO – ‘Chief Encouragement Officer’.

Finally, have you heard the saying ‘hurt people hurt people’? Well, this is point number three.

By remembering you are a valid human being and so is the person you are with, then you won’t be a hurt person who hurts another person. You may need to elevate your own feelings or those of another as being valid to avoid LIFE Edition 9, Issue 30

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en·cour·age 1. To inspire with hope, courage, or confidence; hearten.

2. To give support to; foster.

3. To stimulate; spur.

trauma, we can't. Instead, we are left with an ocean of scattered, broken pieces that feel impossible to put back together the way they were.

And in some sense, it’s true. Our lives will never be the same. Trauma forever changes us.

We will never return to what was; but we can create something new.

Encouragement, with its many facets, is a mindset, a way of being. Encouragement builds others up. Encouragement is specific. Encouragement focuses on the effort, not the outcome.

Encouragement is based in reality. Encouragement focuses on progress and improvement. Encouragement recognises a meaningful experience. Encouragement identifies a decision-making process. Encouragement is about acceptance and support.

Trauma requires us to create new meanings and redefine our beliefs. Our old ways of viewing the world no longer work. Suppose a child once believed the world was safe and he was worthy of being loved. Then at some point in his young life, trauma occurred in the form of parental abuse. Since it is intolerable for a child to consider that their parent is wrong, as such admission destroys a child’s sense of safety, this traumatised child may therefore adopt the belief that there must be something wrong with him to cause this treatment. His beliefs about self, others, and the world have been shattered. But one day, he may have courage to remember the trauma that occurred, revisiting and examining what it was he needed and what he came to believe about himself and others. As he undertakes such a healing journey, he makes way for new, healthy understandings to be formed. He may come to understand in the core of his being that he is worthy of love, and that what happened to him was not because he was faulty or flawed, but rather because people in this world make wrong choices that harm others.

As Zig Ziglar states “When you encourage others, you in the process are encouraged because you're making a commitment and difference in that person's life. Encouragement really does make a difference.”

Encouragement is a choice!

“Everyone has inside of them a piece of good news.

The good news is that you don't know how great you can be!

How much you can love! What you can accomplish! And what your potential is!"

Anne Frank

Such re-formation of beliefs won’t be a quick or easy process, but brings life to the ruins. By engaging with this arduous and often long process, we put the pieces back together, not as they once were, but as a new, healthier, and stronger version of ourselves. If we allow - and seek - post-traumatic growth, we may find we no longer want to, nor are able to, go back to the way life was. The scars remain, but we have gained new insights about ourselves and others, developing life skills we would never

Restoring Wholeness Kate Reimer Life events sometimes leave us broken. Shattered. Like something is missing. These experiences shatter core beliefs about ourselves, others, and the world around us. As much as we wish we could rewind time and erase personal LIFE Edition 9, Issue 30

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have imagined possible, had it not been for the healing journey.

The Pros & Cons of Fixated Interests & ASD

An essential foundation to any healing journey is establishing a sense of safety and stability.

Sam Brown One of the key characteristics of Autism Spectrum Disorder (ASD) is that people with the condition present with highly restricted interests or special interest areas (SIA’s). They will usually have one or two very specific things about which they will know just about everything. If you can get them talking about it you will be surprised at how much you will learn, and be amazed at just how much they actually know. Some of the most common special interests for children with ASD include rare or unusual animals or things that move or make noise. Trains, spinning tops, electric fans, aeroplanes, washing machines, dragons, frogs and goats are some of the common ones. I once knew a young boy who absolutely loved vacuum cleaners; his family had five of them. He loved the sound they made, the different colours and shapes they came in, and his eyes would light up when he had the opportunity to talk about them. I once asked him what he loved so much about them. After some serious consideration he answered simply that he liked the suction; the way they created a vortex that was powerful enough to just suck things up fascinated and intrigued him. Simple really.

When your feelings overwhelm you, ground yourself in your physical surroundings by experiencing pleasant, soothing sensations. Then find a place to go, a person to see or ring, or something to do that you find enjoyable, relaxing, or life-giving. It can be challenging in emotional moments to recall personal resources, so if you wish use the table below to compile your strategies in advance and put it somewhere to remind you of them.

Most people have hobbies, special interests, favourite topics of conversation and favourite things we like to spend our time doing. So how are people with ASD any different from everybody else in this respect? The most significant difference is the intensity with which people with ASD engage with their preferred topics, coupled with the often unusual, sometimes ‘socially distasteful’ or boring subjects. Many neurotypical people will be extremely passionate and knowledgeable about their favourite sport and sports team, but when the same passion and interest is directed towards animal skeletons, toenails or postcodes the general population tend to label the fixations as odd or inappropriate. Moreover, people with ASD

- Senses to Feel: Scent: blossoms; Sound: birds; Taste: peppermint; Texture: fluffy, eg a blanket or soft toy; Sight: flickering candle flame, etc - Places to Go: A cafe, the library, a park, etc - People to See/Ring: Trusted people that you feel safe/relaxed with.

Also, helplines such as Lifeline: 13 11 14 - Things to Do: Stretches, a hobby, make a meal for the freezer, etc

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tend to see their SIA’s as part of who they are, part of their identity, not just as something they like, or like to do. For people with ASD these SIA’s are also often solitary pursuits or preoccupations, rather than group and communityfocused interests such as sport or listening to popular music. For neurotypical people, our areas of interest tend to draw us to other people with similar interests, but for people with ASD their SIA’s often distract them or set them apart.

Focused and heightened special interests in people with ASD, particularly children, can also have significant benefits and positives. By utilising the single-minded, focused attention inherent in these SIA’s, they can be implemented in teaching strategies as both motivators and reinforcers for behavioural management and educational learning. Although the ways and the extent to which they are used needs to be carefully considered, so as not to cause distraction or develop disinterest, they can be a great tool. People with ASD have reported that engaging in their SIA’s helps them to self-regulate in times of emotional distress, frustration and anxiety. Focusing on the SIA allows them to divert attention away from sensory issues or anxiety, helping them to keep calm and cope better. SIA’s can also help them combat apathy related to difficulties around physical and intellectual tasks, by engaging their passion and drive. There is wide support for the idea of encouraging people with ASD to choose careers and jobs that relate to and utilise their SIA’s. By pursuing occupations that play to their strengths by engaging SIA’s that develop their specific and specialised skills and knowledge, people on the spectrum can find meaningful and fulfilling futures.

SIA’s for people with ASD can be all consuming, taking up enormous amounts of their time, energy and focus, to the point of excluding other important things like eating, sleeping, washing and homework. Coupled with other aspects of ASD such as their aversion to social interactions, struggles with sensory issues and the need for sameness, some of the drawbacks of SIA’s include creating further barriers to social interaction and inclusion. Although some young people with ASD are so committed and so knowledgeable about their SIA’s that they are able to hold conversations with experts and professionals in the field, the general population can get bored of the same topics of conversation all the time. The singular focus and inability to generalise, adapt or vary their learning to new environments can cause distraction and further hindrances to learning, thinking and general information processing.

Visual aids are used extensively in many teaching strategies for children with ASD because the visual areas of their brains are often highly developed and active. However, if Peter loves trains and you use cue cards and stories about trains to teach him basic maths, he may become so focused on the types and colours of the trains that he is not actually learning that two trains plus three trains equals five trains.

SIA’s can also be a drain on family and parental time, patience and finances, given lovingly to appease distraught or disappointed children with ASD over issues or imperfections related to their SIA’s.

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Special interest areas, like most things in life, have both positive and negative connotations for people and families living with ASD. Given that they are often closely tied to a person’s sense of who they are, SIA’s need to be taken seriously and given careful consideration when implementing strategies for growth, change and behaviour management. They also need to be welcomed and encouraged when they can provide opportunities for developing passion, drive, future goals and meaningful lives for people with ASD.

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Fousing

tune into what the soul feels, and the spirit knows because the body senses.

Candy Daniels

Focusing is a refined process of meditation and thus I believe useful as a spiritual practice. It can assist us in our daily lives as we take time to tune into the things that are within, bringing the unconscious or subconscious into consciousness. As the messages of the felt sense are intentionally listened to we can bring about change through renewing our minds and altering our behaviour. As a therapeutic method, Focusing can be used eclectically and adapted to therapeutic techniques that are particularly reflective in practice. It is simple to implement once the space is created in which we learn to be still.

Focusing is a therapeutic tool developed by Eugene Gendlin. It doesn’t analyse; rather, it pays attention to the body, drawing awareness from internal stirrings. These internal stirrings are that which is within us coming together to communicate with us. In Focusing, these internal stirrings are known as the felt sense. Awareness of and attention to the felt sense is what influences our lives and can help us reach personal goals.1 Being mindfully aware of the internal stirrings that the body already knows directs us towards our own emotions and feelings. However, the felt sense is not an emotion nor a feeling, but rather a bodysense and is holistic.2 Focusing can be a place of unity within, where body, soul and spirit speak with sensations, rather than words as we know it.

If you would like to know more about Focusing the references found below may assist you.

If you are interested in practicing Focusing, feel free to get in touch with me. You can also find further details from the Focusing institute.

Physiologically, the body remembers even the things that the mind forgets. It is the totality of the body which holds the imprint of experience. For real change to take place, the body needs to live in the reality of the present.3 Awakening the felt sense that calls us to be still in the present could assist the process of neuroplasticity. Neuroplasticity is the brains ability to develop and identify connections from the imprints of experience offering hope through change. The attention, we give self within Focusing can imprint or rewire the brain forming these new connections.4

What if...

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"Focusing" is a process for helping your mind listen to the wisdom of your body.

In any situation, your body is sending you information. Many of us don't know how to open our minds to this information because it doesn't follow the same logic as our cognitive mind. We have deeper wells of knowledge within us than we consciously know.

Focusing can be a place of rest, where transformation is possible through reflection on thoughts, observations, emotions, feelings and experiences of the body, soul and spirit. These moments give us meaning as we experience being alive. The process of Focusing could be used as a communication tool by which we 1) Eugene Gendlin, Focusing. (NSW: Random House Australia, 2003), 32.

2) Eugene Gendlin, Focusing. (NSW: Random House Australia, 2003), 10, 55.

3) Bessel Van der Kolk, The Body Keeps the Score: Mind, Brain and Body in the Transformation of Trauma. (London: Penguin Books, 2015), Kindle Position 495.

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you already have within yourself the answers to life's dilemmas and frustrations? you had access to deep wisdom at all times, for the rest of your life?

Focusing helps to give us access to all of it.

Maureen Ireland

4) Shad Helmstetter, The Power of Neuroplasticity. (Florida: Park Avenue Press, 2013), 16

What if...

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you already have within yourselfPage the10answers to life's dilemmas and frustrations?

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