LIFE October 2018

Edition 8, Issue 32 - 2018

LIFE Publication

IN THIS ISSUE Beliefs & Behaviour Gifts Learning to Play and much more

WELCOME....

The LIFE publication is produced quarterly. Our desire is to bring you stories and articles that will encourage, inspire and perhaps even challenge you as you journey through life.

Life is a journey with many twists and turns, valleys and mountains, laughter and sorrows. It is not always how we start that matters, rather how we choose to live everyday with the options and choices that are before us.

Today, choose to live and love your life!

Table of Contents Edition 8, Issue 32 - 2018 ........................................................................................ 1

It is Well With My Soul ......................................................................................2 Beliefs and Behaviour .......................................................................................3 Three Just the Same ..........................................................................................4 What Does Acceptance Mean to Me? ................................................................. 5 Gifts ................................................................................................................... 7 Trauma-Sensitive Meditative Practices that Promote Healing ......................... 7 Learning to Play.................................................................................................9

It is Well With My Soul Candy Daniels

is not well with our soul, as our soul is not being fed/motivated due to a lack of spiritual identity. So, what we envision or dream up is not life enriching.

I am sure many of you have heard the song that has this title. Do you know the story behind the song? It was written by Horatio G. Spafford (1828-1888) on his way to meet his wife after the death of his four daughters. The song starts with loss and grief and ends with hope. How does one hold on to or have hope in the midst of loss, grief, pain, anxiety? How does one say, “it is well with my soul”?

Our soul is our intention center, the home to our heart and head. This is where decisions are made, passions are realised, and motivation is found. Without hope we lose heart and we get stuck in our thinking. Hope invites peace into storms, gratitude amidst the chaos and patience in the waiting. Hope is the rainbow that promises everything is going to be alright.

If you are wondering where to find such hope, I can only share with you what I have encountered and experienced. During my storms, I have known who I am and most importantly that I am a child of the living God; this is my spiritual identity. I hold on tight to the hope that God has me in the palm of His hand. There are times when I feel like I am holding on tighter than He is holding me. Yet I know that He’s got me, because my identity in who I am is secure. This spiritual identity gives me hope and elevates my faith to hold on to the peace that comes from Jesus Christ. Gratitude ignites strength and keeps my heart and head connected as I am able to be thankful. During all my waiting, which is more often than I like, I get to practice patience as I wait with the One who is known as the Comforter (the Holy Spirit). I can hold onto Jesus, the anchor of my soul, and allow those who I have come to trust and love to do life with me.

I believe the answer is in having a healthy spiritual identity. It is our spiritual identity that sustains and holds us, offering a firm foundation on which to stand, knowing that our faith is founded on solid ground. Faith offers us hope, with our level of hope perhaps being dependent on where we are each at individually.

At this point, I would like to offer a definition of ‘healthy’. A healthy person is one who is living, not just surviving; one who is growing, blooming, flourishing; able to accept and work through the challenges faced in life. In 1948 the World Health Organisation defined health as a "state of complete physical, mental, and social wellbeing, and not merely the absence of disease or infirmity.” In the last few years it has acknowledged that a person’s spirituality plays a great role towards their health. Often it is our spiritual beliefs or values that motivate us to achieve and pursue things in life.

Being a person who has faith in God doesn’t protect us from the many challenges of life.

Yet when we hold onto the One who gives us hope, we can be assured that although we may drift when the storm hits, we are secured by our anchor. God does not leave us nor forsake us. He is mindful of us, and we need to be more mindful of keeping our minds set on Him, especially during the storms of life.

I see the spirit as the foundation, the soul as the central core and the body as the vessel. It is important to keep the body - the vessel - in tip top condition. It needs taking care of; it needs to last our lifetime. After all, it is our body that carries out the work that the spirit envisions/dreams up and the soul desires to pursue. The spirit is vital, because without it we are dead. Our spirit gives life to our values, morals, worth, beliefs and purpose. I believe the spirit gives life; yet often we are alive, but we are not living. This, I believe, is because it LIFE Edition 08, Issue 32

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Beliefs and Behaviour

Part of human functioning is that we like to maintain homeostasis; i.e. we like our beliefs, values and actions to be congruent. When they are not we feel out of sorts and try to make changes to resolve the incongruence. This can result in unwelcomed behaviours or in compromised values in an attempt to reach homeostasis.

Trudy Buchanan A saying I heard when I first studied counselling many years ago was: “Our knowledge of God determines our behaviour” (A similar concept by Richard Rohr is “our image of God creates us”).

For example, let’s consider what we think about who God is and the corresponding actions that result from this.

I hark back to this idea regularly as a selfawareness tool, both for myself and with clients.

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As fig. 1 highlights, what we believe contributes to our value system which is the foundation from which all responses flow. Our values then determine the attitudes we respond with and, ultimately, how we then behave. Much of this process happens in our fast or automatic thinking process and we just act and behave without thought. Part of this type of thinking also leads us to implement cognitive biases such as the confirmation bias, where we try to find information to confirm our position or belief structure.

This example can translate into all beliefs and behaviours. If we pause to think of what we believe and why we are doing what we do—or at least reflect on our reactions and responses following a situation— this can lead to incredible insight and change the motivation of our beliefs, attitudes and subsequent behaviour.

This awareness skill often underlies the counselling process but is something we can all employ for ourselves as well.

To change behaviour and/or develop and grow ourselves, we need to become more aware of this sequence and slow down the process of automatic thinking leading to action.

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If we think God is a punitive, distant God, then we may feel like we have to behave in order to measure up to God’s expectations. As a result, we work hard to please God out of fear. We then behave out of a shame framework. This shame framework can lead us to act defensively, and, through the implementation of a cognitive bias, seek information to see the flaws in our self and others, leading to treating people accordingly.

Conversely, if we see God as loving and close, then we may operate out of relational framework. As a result, we may then treat others from a secure and loving framework. This is because we don’t need to seek power or affirmation but because we are loved we can love others.

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Three Just the Same

with those around Him? He was faced with different cultural rituals, religious requirements, and prejudices against those that were different or seen as beneath the common people and time restrictions. He appeared to understand the needs of each person and was able to reach the people at their need. We know that Jesus was divine and we also know that Jesus knew the hearts of man, yet I still want to understand how Jesus was able to be a leader and encourager.

Jodie Chambers Over the past three months I have attended a few different workshops as well as reading some books. Putting these together has been interesting, as each seems completely different from the other. As a counsellor who spends most of my time looking at the similarities in human behaviours, I am often looking for the links in the information I am hearing, even when it seems unrelated. The book I recently read that I enjoyed most was Parent Effectiveness Training (P.E.T.) by Dr Thomas Gordon.

The workshops I attended were on leadership and Autism Spectrum Disorder (ASD).

In the P.E.T. book by Dr Gordon, one of the early points he makes when dealing with children is to remember that they are people too.

Children need to be treated the same way as we would treat our spouses, friends or work colleagues. You wouldn’t tell your spouse to shut up and go away, or your boss that you are too busy to listen to them, or even yell at your friend to clean up their mess. One of Dr Gordon’s first lessons is to learn to listen to children and affirm them in what they are feeling.

I believe both the workshops and book are related, due to their discussions on the way psychology approaches the science of dealing with differences in human behaviour. This may sound obvious, considering that it is my job as a counsellor to look at this. However, each area defines a specific approach when interacting with others, claiming uniqueness and right fit.

What seems similar to me is how these theories approach our relationships with each other, our understanding of ourselves within those relationships and how to understand the other person. I believe our behaviour is telling a story both of our own needs and that of another.

Leadership is knowing your team and what each of them is capable of as well as knowing your own limitations and what you require of your team. Things don’t work if you are not able to understand the best way others learn or are able to communicate with them in a way that shows you trust them to do a good job.

You won’t be able to encourage someone if all you do is critique their work for mistakes or do everything yourself. Leadership doesn’t work very well when you fail to get others to be part of the plan. Leadership is about relationships.

Let’s face it, people are sometimes hard to get along with, hard to understand and sometimes seemingly impossible to like. People can be annoying and, depending on the level of interaction you are required to have with others - be it in a leadership role, as a mentor or as a parent - will depend on how annoying they can be.

Yet I wonder if there is a way of communicating and interacting with others that works regardless of our role or the behaviour of the other person?

Children with a disorder need also to be treated with understanding of the difficulties they may be facing. When a child is anxious and overwhelmed they are not going to respond to an anxious and overwhelmed person giving loud instructions. Staying calm in the face of a meltdown can be very challenging. But again, would you yell at your friend to stop or tell them they are being stupid? What I took from

As Christians, our role model for interacting and communicating is Jesus. How did He, as a leader dealing with great diversity, interact LIFE Edition 08, Issue 32

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What Does Acceptance Mean to Me?

the workshop on ASD was the story of an adolescent with limited verbal skills who had learnt to have his needs met by taking his mother by the hand and taking her to what it was that he wanted. Unfortunately, this was re-enacted in a shopping centre where the adolescent pulled an elderly lady towards the shelf and pointed with the stranger’s hand at the item he wanted. The problem was a lack of understanding on the woman’s part and a lack of teaching on the adolescent’s part. The adolescent knew what he was doing, however the woman was frightened by the behaviour.

Warren Gomez Acceptance is a word that means “The process or fact of being received as adequate, valid, or suitable” (Acceptance, 2018). It says that a person, in this case me, is received as adequate, is validated for being a person and is suitable as an individual. Yet so much of this is tied up in the wrong validation.

When I think of these words - adequate, valid and suitable - they all refer to another person’s view of me. This is not a good way to be viewed. It is one flawed human viewing another flawed human, either accepting or rejecting them, viewing them through the eyes of a fallen and broken state. This view is like a faulty object, for example a kettle, looking at another kettle comparing it to itself. What is the yard stick then? A flawed, bent, crooked one. How can one flawed being compare to another? It cannot. The only comparison then to be made is by a new, perfect kettle; this then is the measure, the yardstick. Yet even that, in and of itself, is not perfect. Who has designed that perfect kettle? A flawed person. Therefore our perfect kettle is flawed by the designer.

In Australia we have just had ‘R U OK?’ day.

This is a time to bring awareness to mental health issues. The simple act of asking someone if they are OK can make a big difference. Knowing that someone understands you and cares about you enough to take the time to ask how you are going can take someone out of a dark place and give them a feeling of belonging. I am often struck by the simplicity of Jesus’ approach to others as well. Even though He knew the hearts of people, He would still ask what it was they wanted. He took the time to stop and listen to what the concern was. However, what I find even more amazing is that He was able to remove himself from the issue. He didn’t become offended by the other person. He didn’t try and heal them without asking first what they wanted, He didn’t try to fix them and He didn’t try to convert them. He understood Himself first and left the healing, fixing or converting to God. Jesus was able to lead others, to interact with others and to see others’ needs because He didn’t need anyone else to affirm Him for who He was.

So what shall we say? Does a measure to compare even exist? Who or what is perfect? If we look at design, we may think that some design is better than another. We design so many things, from cars, to houses, clothes and electronics. They are all designed for a purpose.

Yet no design is perfect. They meet needs and are suitable for what they are designed to be or do. People design them for a reason and fill a gap in the market of need. People are not the same though. We don’t fill a ‘need in the market’. So how do we compare?

People need to be treated the way we would want to be treated, in the same way that we are treated the way Jesus was: fully loved and accepted by God. LIFE Edition 08, Issue 32

We unfortunately compare ourselves, our worth, value and acceptance against other humans. We either see ourselves as being better 2018

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or worse in comparison. So we strive to do and be better in a race that is not fair. There is no measure. This is what it is like when we compare ourselves to others. There is no finish line.

We just get worn out, burnt out in exhaustion and agony.

I am loved completely, I am accepted completely and I am completely valued by my Creator. He validates me, He says I am suitable and adequately made. I am the way He made me to be. Yes, I may have some wear and tear from the falls and drops in life, but I am the way He intended. Knowing this helps me to accept myself. When I look at my Creator, my Father, my Friend, He says that I am special.

He encourages me to run MY race, not looking left or right at anyone else, for those around are running their own races. When I see that, I also gain an appreciation for the race, for the race is shaping me into what He intended. Our goal is to get to be with the Father, to sit in heaven in His complete love. I can see others on their race, and I can also encourage them to keep going. As long as I realise that my race is for me, and their race is theirs.

What I didn’t understand was that the race is not against anyone except me. There is no one to compare myself to except me. My race also is not a sprint, but a marathon. The problem is that when we see people on a similar path or similar journey, we automatically compare. We gauge how we are going in relation to the person next to us. I’ve noticed that when a car approaches mine from behind, traveling just a little faster than my car, I naturally speed up to match its speed. Even when following a car, if I don’t check my speedometer, I would match their speed and use them as a reference. When I don’t think about it, it just happens. Same is true in relation to people. When we don’t make a conscious decision, an intentional choice, we compare, speeding ourselves up or slowing ourselves down to match what the other is doing.

So the question remains, how do I accept myself? The answer is found in what my Creator says about me. When I can accept that God made me and sees all of me, my failings, my attributes, my talents and desires, then I can listen to what He says I am. Accepting yourself is looking inside and seeing that all your needs for love, acceptance and value are met by God. When I keep my eyes fixed on the goal – on the Creator, not the created - I can be free to know that being me is perfectly ok. I can then get comfortable with who I am, sitting with my God. Accepting His love helps me to accept love for myself. I begin to love myself the way He does, I value myself the way He does, I respect myself and my actions because I am worth it. If God values me, loves me and accepts me, who am I to disagree with that?

Our path and race is an individual one. Although I am alongside and even intersect other people, my journey is an individual marathon, with a goal to beat ‘my’ Personal Best. The Bible says that we are all created in the image of God. It also says that we were knit together by God in our mother’s womb. God made me the way He chose to. How can the creation say to the Creator, “you made me wrong. I am not like your other creation, so therefore there is something wrong with me”? We are not a mass-produced object. We are individual, hand-created beings, each with our own special purpose. God designed us before the creation of the world; we were planned by Him. There is no one who is a ‘mistake’ or an ‘accident’.

Maybe your biological parents said that over you, but not your Heavenly Father. He created you, planned you and set you and me apart, for His purpose.

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I accept myself because God accepts me.

References: Acceptance. (2018). In Oxford Living Dictionaries. Retrieved from https://en.oxforddictionaries.com/definition/acceptance

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Gifts

pretty paper with a bow on the top. Let your pleasant words be a gift to someone.

Melody Durand

Lao Tzu says, “Kindness in words creates confidence. Kindness in thinking creates profoundness. Kindness in giving creates love.”

Bill Glass, who is involved in prison ministry, asked a group of inmates a question: how many had parents who had told them that they were stupid and would end up in jail? One hundred percent raised their hand in affirmation. What damage a disparaging remark can cause!

We can speak life or death into a situation or person. We have power in the tongue; words spoken can encourage and bring hope or tear down and destroy, having lasting and damaging results. Recall a specific childhood incident when someone said something that really hurt, words that stamped a negative and lasting impression onto the mind. It takes no time, trouble or thought to be critical. But it can hurt deeply, leaving wounds that fester with doubt, worry, or, in turn, create bitterness. In a seminar, Dr William Glasser was heard to say that ninety percent of all human relationship breakups are because of criticism. When we review how others have hurt our self-image in the past, we want to be mindful not to do the same thing.

Trauma-Sensitive Meditative Practices that Promote Healing Donna Hunter As a professional in the helping field, there is nothing that has caught my attention more than the association between trauma and meditative practices such as mindfulness. For longer than I can remember, I have had a relationship with both, somewhat consciously but mostly subconsciously. Previously, traumatic experiences have had a profound effect on my sense of who I am. As I have sought to continually engage in life and connect to my true identity in a deeper and more meaningful way, I have developed my understanding of spiritual practices and their relationship to my trauma. This has helped me to create a sense of safety and renew my mind, aligning it to who God says I am: “fearfully and wonderfully made” (Ps. 139:14) in His image.

Are you an empathetic listener? Do you listen with the intent to understand or with the intent to reply? Our perceptions can be vastly different. As Stephen Covey, in his book The 7 Habits of Highly Effective People states, seek first to understand.... then to be understood. People want to be understood. Empathetic listening helps you understand how people feel and their frame of reference. Empathetic listening is not about agreement, but it is the intent to understand that person emotionally, mentally and spiritually. You deal with reality in another person’s head and heart when you listen with your ears, eyes and heart.

Trauma conjures up negative images in the mind that previously had me running as fast as I could away from the feelings and thoughts of the past, the hardships, the injustices, the helplessness, the hurt, the pain. I lost sight of who I was and who God made me to be with my

Can we bring out the best in others?

From now on when you open your mouth, picture each word as a little gift, wrapped up in LIFE Edition 08, Issue 32

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gifts, talents, dreams, goals, and purpose. I spent years feeling like there was something wrong with me, thinking I wasn’t good, important, worthy, smart or valued enough to have the life I dreamed of. As a result, I continually sabotaged anything that contradicted this way of thinking. I remember feeling a sense of paranoia that one day someone would find out I was a fake, faulty and flawed. Yet throughout my journey I have seen the real me make repeated attempts to break free of the bondage and the effects of trauma. It is analogous to a rabbit safe in its burrow from foxes and hawks yet knowing it must go out to find food lest it die. So, it leaves the safety of the burrow but is always alert to danger, ready to run and hide at the slightest sign of feeling unsafe. Trauma blurs the boundary between the reality of now, memories of the past and dreams of the future.

Trauma attempts to steal your identity and, left unprocessed, changes details of who you are right down to the choices you make, the relationships you have, how you care for yourself, what you think about yourself, what you think about others and whether you think the world can be a safe place.

Trauma is a whole-system response to being threatened or violated. Trauma compromises feelings of safety and security and our sense of control. Trauma can be “any experience that is stressful enough to lead us to feeling helpless, frightened, overwhelmed, or profoundly unsafe” (1).

very different today, and although it requires history-taking of the client, details of trauma are not prioritised. Instead, attention is given to empowering the client towards psychological safety, sensory stabilisation, identifying and drawing on internal resources and working towards living a better quality of life. It is through this work that stories can be told, if not with words than through other forms of creative expression.

In recent years, research of inward meditative practices such as mindfulness have focused on areas such as anxiety, depression and personal growth and have shown some positive results in stress reduction, but some people have struggled with these types of practices. This may be associated with having experienced trauma which remains unprocessed. It is suggested that trauma affects one in three people. For some, when connecting the breath to present moment practices, inner sensations trigger the experience of trauma still trapped in the physical body. Rothschild explains this well in her book The Body Remembers (2).

Mindfulness has shown that is can strengthen body awareness, boost attention, and increase the ability to regulate emotions, all of which are important aspects when working with trauma, but caution is needed in monitoring the body’s response and maintaining psychological safety. Some may know it as staying within the ‘window of tolerance’ (3), which is the optimal zone of arousal to process and work with trauma. If not in this window a person may become hypo-aroused, i.e., shut down and disconnected, or hyper-aroused where there is emotional overwhelm and they feel unsafe.

Historically, treating the effects of trauma involved retelling of traumatic experiences, which often had a re-traumatising effect on the client. Thanks to experts in the field such as Rothschild, Ogden and Levine, who have contributed significantly to our understanding of what trauma looks like and how to work safely within the therapeutic space with clients, this thinking has changed. Working with trauma is LIFE Edition 08, Issue 32

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clients notice and let go of unhelpful thoughts, develop better self-regulation and interpersonal skills, and increase their capacity for self-compassion and kindness (4). Mindfulness-Based Stress Reduction, popularised by Jon KabatZinn focuses on “paying attention to present moment experience with open curiosity and a willingness to be with what is”. Others suggest that mindfulness and character strengths contribute to overall flourishing (5). Smiling Mind has introduced mindfulness to the younger generation through school-based practices and the Smiling Mind app.

tear you will ever cry in the palm of His hand, for you are precious in His sight.

References: 1. Ogden, P. (2015). Sensorimotor Psychotherapy: Interventions for Trauma and Attachment.

NY. Norton.

2. Rothschild, B. (2017). The Body Remembers Vol 2: Revolutionizing Trauma Treatment.

3. Treleaven, D. A. (2018). Trauma-Sensitive Mindfulness.

4. Cayoun, B. A. PsyD, (2015). MindfullnessIntegrated CBT for Well-Being and Personal Growth.

5. Niemiec, R. M. (2014). Mindfulness & Character Strengths A practical Guide to Flourishing.

Personally and professionally, I have found that when there is unresolved or unprocessed trauma, using mindfulness practices can trigger trauma symptoms, bringing previously suppressed thoughts and emotions to the surface and exaggerating symptoms. I must clarify that meditative practices such as mindfulness do not cause trauma; it is the practice without the understanding of trauma which can exacerbate trauma symptoms. I have had to learn this along the way, with the literature just starting to reflect this relationship (5).

Learning to Play Samantha Brown The idea of learning how to play might seem like an odd idea to many people. Children seem to pick it up rather instinctively. We as adults, although we sometimes need reminding, are usually quite capable of playful behaviour when not working, running families and occupying ourselves with ‘grown up’ things. Play and social behaviour appear to be natural tendencies for many people, but for those with Autism Spectrum Disorder (ASD), the concept of play, particularly imaginative play, symbolic communication and social interaction do not take the same developmental path as they do for most people. Deviations in social development are one of the most defining features of ASD, so the concept of teaching young children with ASD ‘how to play’ can have a significant impact on their ability to engage in

In recent years I have committed to developing my own trauma-sensitive meditative practices.

This has been part of my personal spiritual development from trauma towards wholeness, along with learning how best to help clients navigate their own pathways. As a trauma sensitive practitioner, my role is to stay responsive to the unique and ongoing needs of the client, understanding that what is triggering for one trauma survivor can be beneficial for another and adjust these practices accordingly.

If you have experienced trauma, be reminded of who you are in the eyes of God: “fearfully and wonderfully made” and that God’s plans for you are good, to give you a future and a hope, not to hurt you. Remember that there is hope of finding inner peace, ‘shalom’ peace.

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friendships and social interactions as they grow up.

The games we play with babies before they can even talk are not just games. Activities like peek-a-boo, hide-and-seek, pat-a-cake, or hifive might be fun to play, but they are also tools that help infants develop awareness of the social world outside themselves. They don’t just learn that the funny little hole in the middle of their tummy is called a belly button, or that holding their hand up with the palm out against another palm is how you ‘hi-five’.

They are learning to share their attention with another person. They are developing awareness not only of the other person, but that the other person is thinking, looking or behaving in the same way as they are. They are beginning to understand that the symbols they are using the pointing, the eye gaze, the movements they make – have meaning and purpose, and the other person is using those symbols with intent.

This simple but incredibly significant symbolic communication is the beginning of language acquisition, social connection and interpersonal relationships. For children with ASD, that seemingly natural recognition of and engagement in shared experience with another is not so natural and not so simple. These children need more deliberate and directive assistance to build those connections and develop the understanding that so many of us take for granted.

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The focus of language learning for children with ASD should be quality over quantity, and engagement without forced participation. Research emphasises the need for active participation to develop comprehension. However, there is a fine line to negotiate; the passive learner who is not engaged in the process will not learn, but nor will the forced participant who might shut down under pressure to perform.

As children with ASD get older, the complexity of language and how much they actually understand will depend on their level of impairment and their individual ability. There are numerous programs and initiatives aimed at helping them develop friendships and social skills. However, the earlier the interventions, particularly in the area of language learning, the better their chances of developing an understanding of language and communication as tools for intentional connection and social interaction. Learning to play is so much more than just having fun.

Developments in the field make it easier to diagnose ASD earlier than ever before. Additionally, there is growing support for more substantial and focused attention on the development of language learning, as it is believed to be strongly linked to the development of social communication. For preverbal infants and young children those ‘games’ that help develop joint attention are vital. Deliberate and concentrated activities need to be engaged in to encourage word learning but also focus on understanding the concepts.

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Activities that mirror and share emotional affects like smiling, laughing, scowling, and relating them to the relevant feelings attached to them Learning language through real experiences and consolidating those experiences with secondary methods like sign language, gestures, picture cards and visual aides Active games like ‘Simon Says’ or ‘I Spy’ Taking extra time to focus on basic level words and their concepts, rather than just knowing how to spell and identify many words without fully grasping their meaning.

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