The Cheese Grater Spring 2017 7
It’s The Cheese Grater’s “Condiments of the Stars” feature. This week - Jeremy Corbyn’s Favourite Jams. Jeremy Corbyn Professional Jamster Hello everybody. If there’s one thing we can agree on it is that 2016 was a wonderful year for jam. I personally succeeded in making 12 jams, and if you can email me pictures of the jam you made that would be great. Here is a list of some of my favourite jams that I made: 1) Blackberry. I made this in late January/early February with some blackberries I found in Tom Watson’s allotment. I think blackberry is one of my favourite jams. I gave some to my wife for Valentine’s day and we spread it on our toast while watching my favourite film, which is Avatar because it
has very clever undertones. 2) Raspberry. Raspberry jam is Albus Dumbledore’s favourite jam and I quite like it too (we’ll get to my favourite in a minute). I made this in April and sent it to all my staff and the people at Momentum because of all the hard work they do. Seamus said it tasted of hope. 3) Gooseberry. I made this in May/ June because I didn’t have much else to do. I like gooseberry because it eases my bowels, and I also give it to my cat el Gato (Trans.,“the cat”) sometimes when he is constipated. I sent some to Owen Smith but I stirred a bit of poo in it.
vourite jam, I like to eat it by the handful and smear it on my beard so I look like a cereal killer who eats his victims!! I ate some before a PLP meeting and went on stage with my beard all red, How we laughed! So that’s it, four of my favourite jams. Let’s hope 2017 is an even better year for Jam! Yours in solidarity, Jeremy Corbyn
4) Strawberry. Strawberry is my fa-
Magick Spelles for Everyday Life: Clarifications Spelle Foure - Protecting Yowre and Corrections Even divine beings make mistakes Lockere sometimes (cf., you) and here at The Uri Wizzerd Harri Of alle the mystick artes, it is the Charmes of Protection that requyre the moste commitment. To simplie want to protecte youre locker is notte enough: yow muste neede to protecte it. I cannotte advise that this charme is attempted by fledgling MAGICKMAKERS. Onlie those who have obtained a level sevene diploma should turn their eyes to this mystick spelle. Godespeede my young friends, and may the lighte of the angeles shine upon ye.
Step 1: Goeth to thy nearest hardeware shoppe. Step 2: Buye a smalle padlocke that wille fitte thy locker. Step 3: Returnest thou to thy locker. Step 4: Locke thy locke on thy lockere. Step 5: Rememberest thou thy most secrete padlocke code. Important: do notte under any circumstances tell anyone else thy padlocke code. And lo! Thy locker is now protected from the forces of eville. Next week: defrosting your freezer
Cheese Grater we take our responsibility to provide clarification and correction very seriously. The following are corrections from our last issue, CG 55. 1. Our article “The Provost is a secret Lizard Lord and here is the conclusive proof ” was misleading. There is no conclusive proof that the Provost is a Lizard Lord. 2. In that same article we insinuated that being ruled by Lizard Lords was a bad thing. We were incorrect. In fact, all should welcome being ruled by Lizard Lords. 3. The Cheese Grater invites all its readers to attend an informative evening of drinks and canapes in the Lizard Lord Suite, where Michael Arthur will educate you mortals on exactly why Lizard Lords (not that he is one) would be benevolent rulers. A sit-down dinner will follow. Tasty, wellfed students are especially welcome.
