Marquell “Smoke” Davis
The ConTextos Authors Circle was developed in collaboration with young people at-risk of, victims of, or perpetrators of violence in El Salvador. In 2017 this innovative program expanded into Chicago to create tangible, high quality opportunities that nourish the minds,,expand the voices and share the personal truths of individuals who have long been underserved and underestimated. Through the process of drafting, revising and publishing memoirs, participants develop self-reflection, critical thinking, camaraderie and positive selfprojection to author new life narratives.
Since January 2017 ConTextos has partnered with Cook County Sheriff's Office to implement Authors Circle in Cook County Department of Corrections as part of a vision for reform that recognizes the value of mental health, rehabilitation and reflection. These powerful memoirs complicate the narratives of violence and peace building, and help author a hopeful future for human beings behind walls, their families and our collective communities.
While each author’s text is solely the work of the Author, the image used to create this book’s illustrations have been sourced by various print publications. Authors curate these images and then, using only their hands, manipulate the images through tearing, folding, layering and careful positioning. By applying these collage techniques, Authors transform their written memoirs into illustrated books.
This project is being supported, in whole or in part, by federal award number ALN 21.027 awarded to Cook County by the U.S. Department of the Treasury.
The Hurt Never Ends
Marquell “Smoke”
Davis
get offme!”Ispin andshake him. 40, 45, 50. Damn!Ithought, this is how it feels to run
I'm in the locker room tying up my cleats. As I'm walking throughthe tunnelIhear the crowdroaring. Now I'm on the field. “Down saidhike!”The ballhits my hands andIlockin. 10, 15, 20, Ifeela
handtouchme, “Huh,
to the 50...Boom!!
5 minutes later I'm opening up my eyes, disoriented and dizzy. What the fuck? Why is everybody standing over me? I asked myself and that's when I feel it. A sharp pain in my arm, that's when I knew it was broken. What the hell, fuck my life I thought to myself.
Yourbrotherisonhiswayuphere, shetellsme. OkayI'llreply. How'sthatarm, baby?sheaskedme, alwaysconcerned .
Iwakeupthenextdayandheaddownstairstoseemygrandma. What'supGrandma?
It'sgettingbetterIassureher.I 'mabouttohopintheshowerandgetdressed. Y'allhitmeupwhenhegetshereandI'mgoingtoslideout. I'lltellherIwanttogotooneofmyfemalefriends ' cribs.
We are chilling and smoking in her room getting filled with lust for each other when all of a sudden we ' re interrupted by knocking on the door. It's her brother, he told me your sister is here at the front door and she's crying.
Igotothefrontdoor, what'supwithyou?Iaskedher. Hegotshot. NowI'mconfused… What?Who?Sherepeatsherself. BeforeIcouldrespondIhearmyOGyellingoutside, “I'm abouttokilloneoftheseniggaz.”Iobserveherwithaknifeinherhand , nowI'mtryingtofigureoutwhatisreallygoingon.
That's when it hit me, someone I love is hurt, but who? I ran around the corner to my grandma's house and saw all my people out front. This can't be happening, I tell myself. I asked my other sister, is it really happening? Is he okay? She looked at me with a sad defeated look and said big bro is dead.
My whole world just crashed, I felt numb. I walked away because I didn't want to see anybody. I ran to my room and locked myself in and smoked my life away. I look up and it's the next day.
I walked out of my room, and saw my grandma. I asked her where are y 'all going?
I asked we ' re going out of state to pick up your brother and bring him home. She told me okay. I want to come with y 'all, I said.
I felt like I of all people should be the one to go. “No baby, I need you to stay here and watch over your sisters, make sure they're okay. You're the man of the house now, ” she explained to me. I love you, she said. I love you too, Grandma. As they were leaving I finally allowed myself to cry.
Two weeks later we held his funeral. Me and my sisters all wore matching outfits for the funeral. Once it was over we all went back to my grandma's house and celebrated my big bro's life. Later that night I got some things together and set out to leave the house. My sisters and my aunt questioned me about where I was going. I'm going back to my brother's house, I said before they could try to talk me out of leaving. My grandma told them to be quiet. It's okay, I told him he could go when I got down there. I went in the house where he died at and just sat there for 5 minutes.
Eventually I got up and went upstairs and to the house with my sister-in-law and niece.
We played games and ate for the rest of the night. I ended up staying down there for the next two weeks before I finally went home.
Two years later I'm in the third year of high school and I just turned 17 years old. Today was just like any other day. I'm talking on FaceTime with my girlfriend, relaxing at the crib. My grandma walks into the room and asks me, are you still coming with me to see your mama boy? Yes I'm going with you, I reply. Okay she said, be ready in 2 minutes.
I put my blunt out, got dressed and headed downstairs to meet her at the door. We went to get something to eat, then went to the hospital to see my mom. She had been pretty sick and it was just getting worse to the point where the hospital wouldn't discharge her.
OncewegotthereIgavemymomabighugandkissesasusual.What 'supMom,howareyou feeling?Iaskedher.I'mdoinggood,shesaid,butI 'llbebetteriftheyjustletmegohome.
Shefinishedwithahintofsadness.
This broke my heart seeing my mom like this but I stuffed the hurt inside so she wouldn't see it. We kicked it with her for a couple hours and eventually went back home.
Afewdayslatermycousinisshakingmefromadeepsleep.
“Ay,man,getup,yourmomisdying, wegottogetoverthere.
”I'mawakenow,adrenalinepumping.Irandownstairsandmygrandma wasalreadydressed,too.
“Hurryupboyandgetdressedsowecangoseewhat'swrongwith yourmother!” shesaid,withpanicinhervoice.Irushedbackupstairsandgotdressed.
Then we hopped in the car and went to the hospital, walking down a long hallway. I talked to the Lord in my head and asked him please don't let this be true. As I walked in she was just in a peaceful sleep and that's what I wanted to believe, but my sisters were both crying. I knew that meant my mother was gone, just like my brother.
Having gained another angel from my family that day, once again, straight to my room, feeling too numb to cry. I don't know how much time went by but eventually my grandma came and asked if I was going to school. I don't know, I said just staring at the wall. Baby, she said, your mom is with the Lord now. She is finally at peace and she's not hurting any more. I looked at my grandma in her eyes and saw her tears. Tears came to my eyes as well. Please Grandma just don't leave me, you ' re all I got left, I cried to her. We all gotta die someday baby, now you just get some sleep. I love you, she told me. I love you too, Grandma.
