A New Beginning
By Ronald Armour
The ConTextos Authors Circle was developed in collaboration with young people at-risk of, victims of, or perpetrators of violence in El Salvador. In 2017 this innovative program expanded into Chicago to create tangible, high quality opportunities that nourish the minds,,expand the voices and share the personal truths of individuals who have long been underserved and underestimated. Through the process of drafting, revising and publishing memoirs, participants develop self-reflection, critical thinking, camaraderie and positive selfprojection to author new life narratives.
Since January 2017 ConTextos has partnered with Cook County Sheriff's Office to implement Authors Circle in Cook County Department of Corrections as part of a vision for reform that recognizes the value of mental health, rehabilitation and reflection. These powerful memoirs complicate the narratives of violence and peace building, and help author a hopeful future for human beings behind walls, their families and our collective communities.
While each author’s text is solely the work of the Author, the image used to create this book’s illustrations have been sourced by various print publications. Authors curate these images and then, using only their hands, manipulate the images through tearing, folding, layering and careful positioning. By applying these collage techniques, Authors transform their written memoirs into illustrated books.
This project is being supported, in whole or in part, by federal award number ALN 21.027 awarded to Cook County by the U.S. Department of the Treasury.
A New Beginning
Ronald Armour
Looking out the gated window
Through a box like cell
That feels like 10° below
Wondering why in hell
They’re letting the air blow
Waiting for somebody to pay my bail
While I’m freezing my butt off
Sitting in this jail
Someone just sneezed and coughed
And some aren’t feeling well
Only God knows how tired I am
Of this being incarcerated thing
And then I heard a “Bam”
Because someone had thrown something
From feeling frustrated
Unhappy, bothered, mad
Fearful, caged, degraded
Violated, suffering, and sad
I’m feeling him a hundred percent
Though I didn’t know him
Is this what God really meant
About giving everything to him
I give you my all Father
Because I can’t do anything else
Only to try harder
To better my surroundings and myself
As I pray to you Father
Physically, mentally, and emotionally
To hold my daughters and mother
And be set free
Being a father
Is my greatest gift
It really gets harder
As their ages begins to shift
Going through their mother
Just to see and spend time
It really becomes a bother
Because they’re equally mine
They will never see
How much I wanted them
To spend time with me
So I could get to know them
I should have tried my best
By going through the courts
Instead I let it rest
Too concerned about child support
It still isn’t an excuse
Not to be the man I should be
It is a form of abuse
To them and to me
So I only blame myself
Not the mother of my daughters
Doing it without God’s help
Only distance us further
By leaving it alone
And giving up trying
I was totally wrong
There is no denying
I love my daughters
And little sister all the same
Just like our fathers
I pray in God’s name
For their forgiveness
And His too
Being a part of their happiness
Is something I hope to do
The happiest day of my life was the day that I decided that I wanted to live!
Not just for myself but for the son that our Father was going to bless me and this world with.
It was December 25th, 1998 and I was moving around trying to get everything ready for when my son arrived. I also had to make sure that my oldest child (Kwanita) was ok because it was also “Christmas Day.”
While I was moving around I was too excited and stressed at the same time, so I kept smoking (weed) because I did not know what I was going to do with a child coming into this world. This was my first biological child and I didn’t think that I was ready.
I had gotten the call about 11:15 pm and I was told by my mother that the mother of my child (Cathy) was starting to dialate. I stopped everything that I was doing (smoking) and drove to Mercy hospital on 28th and Calumet.
I was feeling ecstatic until I got upstairs in the room.
When I got there my mother and Cathy (even though she was in a lot of pain) said that I smelled like a weed plant that was on fire and that I had the whole room “lit”.
I can not lie, I was higher than a bird flying in the sky!
Cathy started yelling and begging for an epidural, or any type of drug to ease her pain (Mercy doesn’t give those) because her contractions were coming every minute and a half now. It was just the three of us beside the nurse that kept coming in and out every 6 minutes or so.
Then all of a sudden the room was filled with all types of doctors and nurses that started transforming the cozy little room. Can you imagine being high as a kite in the sky and then feeling like you are in a Transformers movie? Well that was me!!
I got up from where I was sitting and asked them what they were doing? They replied; bringing a child into this world!! I asked right here, right now? They replied; yes!! So I asked aren’t you going to roll her out of here into an operating room, like you see on tv? They replied; this is the operating room sir!! So I looked at Cathy and then my mom and said call me when it was done and started towards the door.
Suddenly, I was grabbed by my collar from the back and pulled down into a chair by a 4ft 4in woman and told that I was going to see this!! When I looked up at my mother, I said that I didn’t sign up for all of this. My mother replied; you think she did?
So, I sat there wiping Cathy’s forehead and face trying to calm her (yeah right). I did everything but hold her hand because I wanted to be able to hold my son when he got into this world.
Now 2:10am the morning after Christmas Day and Cathy was trying to push my son into this world. My child came head first looking just like me then the hands and feet. Crying, healthy, and bouncing!! (It was only one big problem)!! “It was a girl,”
So I moved from where the nurses were cleaning my child off back to the bed and told the doctor to go back in there and get my son out of there because she must be having twins!!
The doctor said that there were no more children in there, so I asked him to step back and let me see for myself because her doctor has been saying it was a boy for the last 6 months and I really wanted my boy.
I seen that the doctor was being truthful after the afterbirth and placenta was pushed and pulled out of her body and her stomach went down.
I was really upset because I didn’t have the boy that I was supposed to have and my high was gone!! Not only that, I started thinking about all the boy clothes and toys that I had that needed to be taken back and exchanged!
I stayed upset until I realized that I still has not held my daughter yet and I practically had to pry her out of my mother’s arms because she had always wanted a girl somewhere between three hard headed boys.
When I held her a wave of different emotions, desires, feelings, and thinking came over me. I felt that now I have someone that I’m responsible for, that I have to protect, and who is a part of me, that belongs to me.
Someone who would love me as I love her. Someone I would die for even though I felt like that about her older sister (Kwanita) already. My daughter (Kashae) only solidified the foundation.
By being a young black male from Englewood, the south side of Chicago. I had the odds stacked against me because we were not taught to think about tomorrow, we were taught to make it through today because tomorrow was promised to no one.
So we didn’t care about tomorrow! To add salt to the wound we didn’t have vocational skills, a taught trade, or any type of outlet or options to support our families.
I went up against the odds and strived to survive without ever shooting someone or physically hurting anyone. I made it this far by thinking and using my mouth to hustle and sell anything I could get my hands on and also by using my hands to fix on cars.
So on December 26, 1998 I decided that I wanted to live. I started listening instead of hearing, and looking instead of seeing.
I chased love, peace, and happiness and let the money follow me. I chose to be faithful in hope, patient in affliction, and faithful in prayer.
It started with 2 beautiful little girls and grew to 12 smart and beautiful young ladies. My daughters (Kwanita, Kashae, Karmen, Shakiya, Gianna, Karyn, and Shakyla) and their sister Kelaiah. My G-Babies Adore, Admire, and Ja’zara. Last and not the least my little sister Crystal Taylor. Whom I love all the same!!
I’m feeling lost, sad, and alone
I don’t want to be bothered by anyone I can’t but I want to go home
Wishing I meant something to someone
Thinking it would be my daughters
That would be there to support me
After all I am their father
Isn’t that how it’s supposed to be I figured I was wrong
Because I’m not who I thought I was
Now that my daughters are grown I wish them the best because I only get to live one life
So I can’t lay down and give up I got to stand and fight
I feel I’ve had enough
What am I going to do
That’s what I have to figure out
So who can I turn to
Is what I want to scream and shout
With no help from my Earthly father
And a little for my brothers
No letters, pictures, or cards from my daughters
That only leaves my mother
And our God from above
To help me though this ordeal
By being patient with unconditional love
My freedom can become real
So I kneel and begin to pray
To not be so forsaken
Or thrown away
If I’m not mistaken
It’s in His hands and His will
And not mine to say
When my hopes and prayers will be fulfilled
Only on His time and His day
Sitting in this place
With the sink and toilet near
And an expression on my face
Wondering how did I get here
No one to really call
And no mail coming in
I’m staring at the wall
Because I don’t have many friends
Or family for that matter
Just only a Selected Few
Because of this BS chit chatter
There’s no one I can turn to
Without barely any money on my books
I send out birthday and holiday cards
While using the rest to cook
Because being incarcerated is really hard
Especially when it’s something
That I did not do
But I will tell you one thing
And it’s God’s honest truth
After I win my case
And walk out that front gate
I will turn and about face
And say no longer do you control my fate
Because it belongs to our Father
Right here right now on this day
Then I’m going to see my daughters
And start a new and godly slate
I Am From
I am from the Go, Chicago
A place with plenty of hope
I am off the southside
Where it is hard to survive
Ronald Armour
I am from a neighborhood called Moe-town
A place where anything goes down
It's a small part of Englewood
Where bad things are considered good
It’s where the Moes dwell
And they holler all is well
Where the love is hard to miss
And communities and gangs coexist
I am from a common family
With a real sense of reality
A family of hopes and dreams
Where things aren't what they seem
I am from do the impossible
Because anything and everything is possible
Only if God is with you
Just be careful what you do
Until the lion learns to write their own story, tales of the hunt will always glorify the hunter - African Proverb
