Marcus Todd
Letter to My Son
The ConTextos Authors Circle was developed in collaboration with young people at-risk of, victims of, or perpetrators of violence in El Salvador. In 2017 this innovative program expanded into Chicago to create tangible, high quality opportunities that nourish the minds,,expand the voices and share the personal truths of individuals who have long been underserved and underestimated. Through the process of drafting, revising and publishing memoirs, participants develop self-reflection, critical thinking, camaraderie and positive selfprojection to author new life narratives.
Since January 2017 ConTextos has partnered with Cook County Sheriff's Office to implement Authors Circle in Cook County Department of Corrections as part of a vision for reform that recognizes the value of mental health, rehabilitation and reflection. These powerful memoirs complicate the narratives of violence and peace building, and help author a hopeful future for human beings behind walls, their families and our collective communities.
While each author’s text is solely the work of the Author, the image used to create this book’s illustrations have been sourced by various print publications. Authors curate these images and then, using only their hands, manipulate the images through tearing, folding, layering and careful positioning. By applying these collage techniques, Authors transform their written memoirs into illustrated books.
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Marcus Todd Letter to My Son
To: Kai, My smart, handsome loving son. You mean the world to me. I love you, you keep me going and I’m proud to be your father.
I want to tell you a little about my life and what I went through as a kid. When I was 7 years old my oldest brother, your uncle Mouse, passed away when he was 15 years old. For a long time that messed me up. Uncle Mouse collapsed on his bike as he rode home due to having an enlarged heart.
My mom picked me and my little sister up from camp. I asked why we had to leave cause I loved day camp. She responded “family emergency. " Now I hate hearing those words.
We drove home in silence and rode the elevator up to our apartment the same way except for the occasional sniffling from Uncle BJ, my oldest living brother. I was confused and concerned. When we got in the house me and bro went to our bedroom. I put my bag down, he just laid in the bed with his bag still on. I stared at him for a minute before going to the living room where my mom sat on the couch. She pulled me close next to my lil sis and told us “ your brother died.” I started crying and didn’t stop for a week.
I only have two memories of us together. One where we ate nachos on the floor in the living room on Brian’s birthday in March that year. Another when we were at my dad's house and I watched him play the game, mashing all the buttons. He was the father of a beautiful little girl. I wish he had the chance to raise her. R.I.P 1995-2010.
I started to distance myself from my family and was in my head a lot, always thinking about things a child shouldn’t be worried about. I was scared because my mom would take us to get multiple EKGs to check our hearts. I somewhat felt like I would be next.
After Mouse passed, me and my dad weren't very close anymore. He had lost many friends in his life, and now he lost his oldest son. I felt like he isolated himself and we weren’t connecting anymore.
My dad had Mouse when he was 15 and Mouse had his daughter at 15 and passed away at 15. I always wanted to be close to my dad how my friends were with theirs. I don’t want you to feel like that. So whatever I go through personally in life, I will get the help to push through it and keep our bond strong. I want you to be able to talk to me about anything and know I have your back no matter what.
I was only nine years old and 4 feet and some inches tall walking through blizzards and shoveling driveways by myself. When I was with my brothers, we each went home with frostbite and $400-$700 each.
I became an adult at a young age when I was 8 or 9 years old. I would shovel snow with Uncle BJ and Bryce until we had frostbite just to make money to help out my mom and buy food, clothes, and shoes ourselves so she could use her money to focus on paying bills and rent. We were having growth spurts and knew mom would need help keeping up with us and our constantly changing appetite, clothing, and shoe sizes.
We tried to take the responsibility upon ourselves. I never stopped to really enjoy my childhood cause my mind was somewhere else, not caring to be a kid. Hearing my mom cry about financial struggles hurt me and changed me.
I don't want you to feel you need to take on the responsibilities of me and your mom. You will have everything you need and I will show you how to work for what you want the right way.
We never lived anywhere too long, always 2 to 3 years max. Section 8 did that to us, so I didn’t want to make any long-term friends. Uncle Bryce was the only exception for me. Uncle BJ and I hated constantly being the new kid at school. That was not a spotlight I liked.
I played sports since I was 7 years old. I started off with baseball. I liked baseball and was really good at it. I played shortstop and left field until I went back to back. I took the first pitch, it was a fastball strike, the second pitch I was ready. It came fast and I had my eye on the ball and then the ball hit me in the eye. After that I was scared to bat and stopped playing baseball.
Then I started playing football until my junior year of high school. I had confidence in myself and knew how to work with my height as a quarterback but slowly I let others get in my head and I started to lose confidence in myself. I couldn't afford skills camps and when I could, I didn't have transportation.
I wanted to make your mother a proud football wife. I always imagined playing for Ohio State and throwing a touchdown to win the championship then running to the stands to kiss your mom while she held you in her arms and giving you the football. I lost sight of that dream.
Son, I promise whatever you choose to do in life, I will make sure you get all the tools you need to succeed. Don't give up on yourself, let others give up on you so you can prove them wrong. Always do your best and work hard for what you want.
I always kept good grades, and was an Honor Roll student since kindergarten, but I did get into trouble.
In sixth grade, I was suspended for 10 days for having a BB gun in my bookbag. One of my classmates was playing with his in the lunchroom, which caused the school to search all our lockers, finding about 10 BB guns.
Then I was expelled in eighth grade for smelling like weed and having weed in my bookbag. I started smoking in seventh grade after being influenced by some older guys who I used to hang around. Smoking weed didn’t help me. It made me realize I didn’t know how to control my anger and other problems I was dealing with.
I started to smoke weed just to be high. Then I realized I slowly began to use weed and other Drugs to cope with what I was going through - But I didn't even know what was wrong with me.
There were days I would wake up mad and try to chill by myself, but for some reason it turned into me arguing with myself, thinking about killing myself and crying because I wanted to at that point, then smoking it all away, smoking all day. If I couldn't smoke I would take my anger out on people around me, spreading negative energy and pushing people away.
I am glad I had your mom by my side because she was able to put up with my anger and know how to make me happy. She was very good at helping me open up and talk about my emotions.
You will always have your mom, but one day you will have to learn to handle your emotions on your own. Find things that make you happy and someone you ' re comfortable speaking to. Write about your feelings or paint them or sing them. There are many activities that can help you express yourself constructively without hurting the ones you love. Words hurt and you can't always take back the stuff you didn't mean to do.
I wasn’t allowed to go to any school for a year and was going to restart eighth grade. Then we moved again, and I started eighth grade again at Coolidge Middle School. I was walking home with your soon to be uncle Kell when I met your mother she was standing in the park waiting on him.
The sunlight glazed her beautiful light skin making her glow. I had never seen someone with natural beauty like hers, and we practically fell in love at first sight. I was 14 and she was 15, a freshman in high school. We stayed on the same street just a few houses apart.
Your mom was a slight player and she was funny. She was the first female, who ever made the first move coming onto me. She started off, trying to be funny and talking about my waves saying “ you ain’t got no waves. ” She didn’t know what was under my durag, real 360. I’m like “Yeah whatever, you better know how to swim.”
She kept making jokes until I took my durag off and drowned her. She was silent, examining everything, then tried to act like I only had a lake or something. We then added each other on Snapchat before going home. After texting for a while she wanted to play hard to get. I would ask her if she wanted to be on FaceTime all night or hang out and she would say “I don’t like you like that.“ That was her favorite line until 4/21/2018.
We walked to Vets Park with Uncle Kel and his friends, chilling and playing around for a minute until they wanted to walk to Walgreens for snacks. Me and mom were thinking about something different though, so we sent them to the store and stayed back and got closer to each other.
We sat on the bench in front of the baseball fields and talked about what we wanted in our relationship, and after a while we stared into each other’s eyes, analyzing our future together. Then we kissed, sealing our bond and building our unconditional love for each other. Then she beat me up like it was my fault.
Relationships aren’t perfect son, but that doesn't mean you should make it worse. Be a man and tell the truth, even if it hurts, it will feel better than a lie. Don’t hurt the woman you love because of your lack of self control. What goes around comes back around, so I will teach you how to be better than me, and not hurt the one who has your back, no matter what.
I became your father at 17 years old. I was a young money maker. It’s in our blood, but I didn’t know the right things to do with it. But I know now and when it’s your time, I will teach you how to make it last and you will have more than just clothes and shoes to show.
I left you four months after your first b-day. I would’ve never seen it coming, but I still remember my last time holding you outside this jail. I pulled up to your mom ' s house to see you before heading to work.
It was bright and sunny with a cool breeze, mommy brought you outside, and I held you in my arms while me and her talked about grown folks’ business. I kissed your forehead, told you I love you then looked at your mommy and we stared at each other, the same way we did for our first kiss.
I pulled her close to us and we kissed again just like our first time. I told her I love her and went to pick up Uncle BJ so we could go to work and an hour later, I was taken into custody at work and missing two years of my life and time from you.
Everyone isn’t your friend, but I encourage you to have friends. You will eventually weed out the fake ones. You can’t trust everyone, even family, because everybody doesn’t have the same mindset as you. Just be you. If what you like is cool to you then do that. Don’t change for anyone and don’t try to fit in. Make people fit in with you. I love you son. You have a lot of supporters and family who love you and want to see you do great things in this life. We have faith in you and know you will make us proud.
You may see pictures of Uncle Bryce but not have any memories and wonder where he’s at. Uncle Bryce passed away on February 21 before your first birthday from terminal cancer after he had a car accident. Uncle Bryce loved you a lot and couldn’t wait to spend time with you, but Allah called him back like he did Uncle Mouse.
I Am From
I am from the south suburbs
Marcus Todd
From Thornwood Apts and Section 8 housing
I am from Apt 519 where mom made nachos and crab legs
I am Arquilla Park
Where me and bro would travel the woods
Until we found another city
And stand on top of the mountain hollering at the world
I’m from Kells and Todd
From Friday Night Lights
And from never on time anywhere we go
I’m from don’t trust your friends
And from family comes first
I’m from Islam
I’m from South Suburban Hospital
From Ginger Ale, Kabobs and Alfredo
From Brian, Bryce, Cam and Mouse
I am from mental struggles on a road to happiness
Until the lion learns to write their own story, tales of the hunt will always glorify the hunter - African Proverb
