rosa

I am from The Village y El Barrio de las Empacadoras

From Wolcott and from Christina

I am from the streets of my community

I am from the storefronts and the street vendors

I am from neither here nor there

From darkness and loneliness

And from trauma and abuse

I'm from you'll be just like us

I'm from you do not matter

La Santa Muerte siempre me acompaña

I am from Iztapalapa . El lugar de los groseros…El barro sobre el agua.

I am from ice cold cuagamas, artesania, y cumbia

I survived thanks to the kindness of community members

I am from Rage and I am from Love

Hey Mom, since you asked, I’ll tell you why I’m so confused.

Because both you and pops walked away.

Because I starve for love but can't find none.

Because I found someone just like you

Because they treat me just like you

Because they love me just like you

Because I never want to be like you

Because hope made me bitter

Because love turned to rage

Because love made me lonely

Because I want us to be ok

Because I miss you

Because I would like to know you

Because I love you, mom.

Because I really don’t like you.

Because you made me who I am

Because you made me strong

Because you made me vulnerable

A mother's womb.

Most women without dads get told they got daddy issues. But I have a mother wound.

I loved my ama. I prayed to the Virgin de Guadalupe every day that she would come back for me. That was the first mother to disappoint me.

I didn't care that he didn't want me. All I wanted was my mom.

I wanted to watch scary movies with her. Go to the park, go to the mountains like we used to. Dig up treasures made by our ancestors. Swim in the ocean. Collect animals that we weren't supposed to have. Dance in our kitchen. But what I got was a drunk that forgot I existed.

She left me and didn't come back. We swam through the river and ran across a highway. Spent a week in a shed with 20 other strangers. Just for her to forget me once we were here. We came here to escape my dad. I didn't think she wanted to escape from me too.

I have spent my entire life trying to get that love back. Now I know it was not your choice. Your mom did not give you a choice. Coming to America had a price. You had to work night and day to pay it back. I was supposed to be safe with her. I mean she was your mom. We are supposed to trust moms.

She did to me what her mother did to her. Grandma left and didn't come back. You were 8 with 12 kids now. Young and old. You became a mother. She was 16 with four children when her mom came back to her.

Years later… When all hope was lost. Just like her mother… My mother returned to me. Coming here was supposed to save us. Just like Grandma left to save her life.

It destroyed her.

You aren't my mom like that. We are friends. You missed all the important moments of my life. But now it's different. You got help. You got into therapy. You don't drink as much as you used to.

You are great grama to the kids. They all love you. You even visit and call me. You even text me and send me tik toks.

All this has left me with great wounds in my heart. I found people that love me the same way you did.

But I am a mother too.

I see my Willow…. I do everything I can to not be like you. We dance in our kitchen, We watch camp movies and laugh together. We go to the park and play dress up. We give each other hugs and kisses.

My mother's womb isn't poisoned My mother wounds

Came from my mother's womb.

Im going to start my life

It always feels like I am starting my life

Always starting for the first time

Everyday I feel like i am born

Everyday I feel like i am growing

Everyday i feel like i am dying

I am going to start my life for the first time

I am going to college

I am going to start my career

I will visit my country

Swim in the ocean

Climb the mountains of my youth

I am going to start my life

I will start by healing my spirit

I will start by loving myself first

I wil start by standing strong in my boundaries

I am going to start my life for the first time.

WHEN IT FEELS SCARY, JUMP IN.

Sierra

I am from a lineage of astounding Black Women,

I am from Mother of Africa,

I am from gold-melanated skin,

From Black Don’t Crack but our combs do,

I’m from Black Beauty, Black Strength, and Black Courage,

I am from Black History,

From Black History where my people FOUGHT and never gave up,

I am damn happy to be where I’m from.

Older self, since you asked, I’ll tell you why I was so upset back then, Disappeared at birth, Seeing other children being picked up by their fathers after school,

No birthday cards or phone calls, This left me with questions and blaming my tired mother, She took the blame and told me lies, She said you had your reasons and you loved me, Why did you walk away if you loved me?

I needed you here to be happy, Fast-forward,

I’m twenty-two and thought about you today, No hate or rage,

I survived the damage you left behind, I’m moving forward with my life, You taught me a great lesson without being present, Resilience.

Letter to my Mother

You made a lot of sacrifices. Growing up, I saw everything you did for me and my sister.

Because of you, I have the vision to reach my dreams and push through life’s challenges.

But Mom, sometimes I get scared. I am afraid of failure. I am afraid of disappointing you even though I know you won’t be disappointed.

I am afraid of uncertainty. I am worried about drowning when I want to keep afloat.

I know nobody’s perfect. We're just human. Mistakes will happen.

I am learning. I am learning that I don’t need to be an overachiever. I am learning to let go of the expectation that I need to be the best. I am learning to let go of trying to be enough because I am enough.

When I make mistakes when I fail

I will get back up and try again because I can. I’ll jump in when I’m scared, Mom.

And when I jump in, I’ll think about your love. A mother’s love.

I haven’t met you yet,

But you are already loved by many,

Can’t wait to see your little hands take my breath away,

A bundle of joy, happiness, and a great blessing,

You will bring more energy and fun to my life,

I am going to encourage and empower you,

I believe in you and your capabilities,

I am going to love you for the rest of my life.

MORE COMMUNITY, LESS IN MY HEAD.

I’ve neglected you for a lifetime. Some might argue that that is precisely how it should be: leave the past exactly there, in the past. Well, I have tried that for half a century and have discovered that the past lingers. It sits right there, just out of sight, behind this neurosis and that bit of baggage, waiting in silence. Or at least that’s what I’ve thought, until, of course, it moves into the light, weighing the present me down and predetermining the path my future self might take.

So, I write today to grant you grace. To acknowledge your struggles, to celebrate your perseverance and to wrap my arms around that you who was unable for lots of reasons to stand fully upright, to hold firm in the face of things you didn’t understand or that was too much for your young self to handle.

I often wonder what more I might have done by now if I had more confidence, if I cared more about my dreams than what others might think or say. Why did others perception matter so? You are just now learning to stand in your light and walk comfortably in your words. And though I wish it hadn’t taken so long, there are so many ways that you might not have made it here and for that I am grateful. You made it every day, even on days you didn’t want to and I forgive the damage done in getting here.

So, younger self, thank you, which I never thought my present self would write. Thank you for being you cause the I I say I am today doesn’t exist without all of you, good and bad. Thank you.

Typically I get ahead of myself. Losing this moment in the chase for tomorrow. In the longing for not this day, but another.

I have spent a lifetime moving fast, So now it will be different.

I am going to a silent retreat, Ten days of meditation to open up by shutting out.

I am going to sit, In space, in quiet, Looking for a reset, Hoping to clear my too often troubled mind, Longing to eliminate the clutter.

I am going to free the spirit.

I have been far afield. But Now,

Now, I’m going home.

All of this place, from sea to shining sea, I am going not without fear and distrust

Not without eyes wide open to what I might find. I am going anyway

Because this is my place as much as theirs.

I am going outside of myself, In search of myself,

So that I can write the stories

I need to tell

That perhaps others need to hear.

I am going.

Yes, indeed. I am going.