BAZ

BAZ

‘truth against the world’

PRICE: 1/2 A BALTI

THE POWER

20

EXCLUSIVE! WE REVEAL THE TOP 20 MOST POWERFUL PEOPLE & ORGANISATIONS IN THE BIRMINGHAM ART WORLD! www.birminghamartzine.co.uk

EDITORIAL It’s been another hectic year in the Birmingham ART World: the emergence of a hard-line rap and gangster culture amongst feuding art institutions; the ensuing war and bloodshed, punctuated only by games of Institutional Cricket; the rise of Northfield as the cities ‘real’ creative quarter; Berlin trying to steal our ART scene; the building of the worlds first ART themed adventure park in Ladywood; The Public being converted into the world’s largest public toilets; and the rapid spread of wild animals in Birmingham ARTISTS studios.

CULTURE OF FEAR The wild animal problem in particular is one that BAZ feel very strongly about. The crocodile spotted at Fazeley Street studios recently is symptomatic of many of the problems facing ARTISTS studios in the city. They just aren’t safe. Three months ago, a lion was spotted at a Ladywood studio complex and only two weeks ago, two monkeys were briefly sighted in The Works. ARTISTS have enough difficulties with their studios, without having to be continually vigilant for wild animals. Other cities ART scenes don’t have a wild animal problem, so why should Birmingham’s? Soon, an extreme culture of fear will have emerged, with ARTISTS been too scared to go to their studio’s for fear of been ambushed by raccoons.

THE BAW PIT If the wild animal problem wasn’t bad enough, the Birmingham ART World is now known as the ‘The BAW Pit’. The ART war has created an ART scene where life is tough, on the edge and seldom the same. BAZ have been there daily over the last year, fighting at the front-line to ensure you get NOTHING less than the BEST Birmingham ART News. We are therefore delighted to present to you a selection of stories from the last 12 months. All the GOSSIP, all the SCANDAL and all the INTRIGUE.

THE EVENT We would like to express our delight that BCAF have pulled off the deal of the decade in bringing show jumping to Birmingham for the first time. BAZ have been long-term supporters of the view that Eventing is essential to the longevity of any healthy ART scene.

Hopefully the success of the show jumping will finally put the Birmingham ART world on the map.

BAZ is written by Chris Poolman; adjusted by Matt Westbrook (also responsible for NCAF supplement) / www.birminghamartzine.co.uk / birminghamartzine@gmail. com / www.chrispoolman.co.uk

IT’S THE EXCLUSIVE STORY YOU’VE ALL BEEN WAITING FOR..

THE BAZ TOP 20 MOST POWERFUL PEOPLE & ORGANISATIONS IN THE BIRMINGHAM ART WORLD! THE BIGWIGS! THE GRAND-DADDY’S! THE MOVERS AND SHAKERS! THE SECRET HEROES!

1: EFW Burridge (‘The Lord’)

EFW Burridge, widely recognised as the Berry Gordy Jr of the Birmingham ART World, operates his Motown style factory from a secret Ladywood location.

Over the past 15 years it is thought that ‘The Lord’ is responsible for the careers of over 800 Birmingham ARTISTS. His influence spreads far beyond his Ladywood complex. ‘The Lord’ has decreed that all Birmingham ARTISTS studios have to be modelled on the design of his Ladywood empire, right down to the last detail: sharing with pirate radio stations and ‘Escort’ Agencies is not an option, it is a demand that has to be adhered to. Not many people have ever seen EFW. He is a reclusive figure fond of spider plants and badminton. But his influence is far reaching; if when you open your studio door and you find a little brown envelope - the EFW calling card - you know he is on to you. This man is not to be messed with. Rumours that he keeps ARTISTS locked up in small cells for weeks at a time until they start growing tomatoes are unfounded.

2: ‘T’ At number two, long standing security guard ‘T’ from Margaret Street. Shy and retiring ‘T’ has been sending representatives to Zoo for the last three years to purchase work produced by Birmingham based ARTISTS. Rumour has it, is that he is almost single handedly underpinning the Birmingham ART World: T has a large stake in Eastside Projects and also owns the Ikon (although he doesn’t charge them rent or have his name on the list of benefactors). Nice bloke.

3: NCAF (Northfield Contemporary Arts Forum) NCAF, pioneers of Birmingham ARTIST-led activity in the 1970s, are making a timely resurgence. Contemporary ART spaces such as Urban Wooden Projects, Sculpture and Hair Gallery are offering a real challenge to the cultural hegemony of Digbeth. NCAF are also thought to be the brains behind bringing Nick Bourriaud to Stirchley hairdressers ‘Curl up and Dye’. If NCAF’s plans come to fruition, by 2020 Northfield will offer a real alternative to Berlin.

4. SPECTRUM Mafia style organisation who hold a monopoly over ART supplies in the city.

Large underground bunkers of materials belie their poorly stocked shop. It is thought the sparseness of Ikon shows can be related to a falling out they had with Spectrum over a piece of A4 mount board several years ago. Since then, Spectrum have reinforced their power in ‘The BAW Pit’ by refusing to supply Ikon with any materials. Although recent reports suggest that an Ikon spy working for Spectrum managed to sneak out a 2B pencil which is to take centre stage at an Ikon show next year.

pencil: taking centre stage at Ikon show in 2010.

5. Tony Graffiti Last minute entry into ‘The Top 20’ after the possibility arose that ‘Tony Graffiti’ may grant permission to paint a big BAZ advert outside The Custard Factory.

At the time of going to print, BAZ are still in negotiations with Tony and his team of assistants over this advert. If you would like to be in the next ‘Top 20’ and have something useful that you can offer us then please don’t hesitate to get in touch.

6. WATAC!

(We Are The Arts Council!)

Bizarre organisation who function as both a commercially successful rap group and an extremist cult. Money talks for ARTISTS talks. Dirty cash I want you Dirty cash I need you whoa oh. It is thought that up to 60% of Birmingham ARTISTS are part of the WATAC! Cult and they demand loyalty from their members.

Total adherence to an ancient set of scriptures, mysteriously called ‘Grants for the Arts’ is compulsory. We’ve recruited the services of an Oxford Professor of hieroglyphics to decipher the document. Hopefully we’ll be able to bring you more information soon.

7. The H.O.I Polloi Bunch (House of Ikon)

Fundamentalist ART Institutional Rap Group who formally known as COI (Church of Ikon). It’s believed that the name change was prompted by an ordering mix up by the Ikon chef (see 14 )which resulted in a series of controversial menus based upon the similar sounding popular breed of pet fish. Their new name roughly translates as ‘The Many’. H.O.I Polloi remain big hitters in ‘The BAW Pit’.

Deeply religious, they are known to pray for up to 12 hours a day in the Ikon clock tower whilst maintaining an austere stoical lifestyle. H.O.I Polloi club nights are famous for their pared down beats and solemn lyrics. Like EFW Burridge, they are not to be messed with.

8. GWA ft The ESP Male Voice Choir GWA (Gavin Wiv Attitude) ft The ESP Male Voice Choir are a young upstart Institutional Rap Group looking to challenge H.O.I Polloi and NCAF for cultural supremacy in the city. If ART was assigned value on a day glo colour scale, they would be world beaters. Large youth following.

9. Da M.S Crew aka the Margaret Street crew, not to be confused with the mythical Milk St massive. 24 piece Rap outfit and one of ‘The BAW Pits’ oldest organisations, The MS Crew continue to exert a big influence in the city. Perhaps would hold more power if internal disputes didn’t regularly disrupt band practice and the canteen served more than beans.

10. The Big E at the TLT (Eddie at the The Lamp Tavern) Landlord Eddie. What more can be said about Eddie that hasn’t already been discussed over 8 pints of Guinness and a bowl of cockles? Who said patronage was dead? This man must be knighted soon.

11. BCAF Shadowy organisation responsible for bringing show jumping to Birmingham.

Little is known about them other than they have strong links to solicitor firm Casey Winwood Thomas and Jones (CWTJ) and mainly operate from hot desks in Margaret St Canteen and the Green Room restaurant and bar.

12. FPF (Friction Popular Front) Street Conscious Rap Group with a focus on community outreach projects.

Unfortunately drawn into the Institutional Rap War after a BMAG Missile aimed at Ikon went astray and landed in ‘The Edge’. Currently in Africa brokering a deal for rocket launchers.

13. TSM

Tindal Street Massive

Rag-bag collection of ARTISTS whose total number continues to remain a mystery, although recent estimates believe that they could amass over 600 canvas stretching members. Currently holed up in the extensive warrens of the EFW Burridge complex in Ladywood. It is thought that a strict isolation policy is enforced by ‘The Lord’ after an attempted coup in 1997 by a small Marxist TSM Fringe Group from the first and second floors failed to seize the key from The Lord’s office to the only working toilet. Since that incident any potential treason is delicately nipped in the bud by a big brother system of little brown envelopes - containing chilling instructions - being left in wayward ARTISTS studio spaces.

If only The TSM could all get together and talk, ‘The BAW Pit’ could be there for the taking. Reports that the TSM were the front for a pirate radio car-ringing church group were denied by a spokesman.

14. The BMAG Gang Ft Notorious B.I & R.B.S.A. Old School Rappers whose Common cover ‘I just want to BMAG’ stayed at number one for 18 weeks in the Birmingham ART World Singles Chart last year.

Despite a declining fan base, they still exert an influence in ‘The BAW Pit’ due to their connections with SPECTRUM.

15. The IKON Chef Responsible for increasing visitor numbers to ART galleries in Birmingham by 150% over the last 10 years. Pickles most things.

16. TNAG ft Slim Snoddy Multinational Black Country massive. Strong fan base from under 11s due to investment in ground floor weekly disco and more galleries than you can shake a stick at. Feared at BAW pit meets due to their fortified HQ and their habit of indiscriminating using big weaponry such as the ‘Rock drill’. Incomprehensible vinyl lettering. Windy.

17: V.I.V.I.D Despite been largely underground and rarely seen, It is thought V.I.V.I.D are responsible for almost half of all the drive by shootings in the city after getting cosy with a nearby Limo hire firm. If the shutters are down, it doesn’t mean they’re not in. BAZ are unsure as to what the letters V.I.V.I.D stand for but are fearful. Suspicious Stuff.

18: BAZ In accordance with the agenda of ARTIST led spaces including themselves in their programming, BAZ thought they deserved a mention. Internal bickering and financial insecurity after a number of high profile litigation cases suggest they won’t make the ‘Power 20’ for much longer. A Flash in the Pan and a cheap Poundland one at that.

19: The G Unit New studio complex fantasists and ARTIST led IRG, The G Unit have made their intentions clear immediately. It is thought their decision to have an ARTISTS book fair as their opening event, is part of a wider plan to improve literacy amongst Birmingham ARTISTS. Their hostile response to the release of the GWA single ‘I Wish I Knew How It Would Feel To Be Freee’ on account of what they perceived to be a misspelling of ‘Free’, suggests they are not afraid to voice their opinion. One for the future.

20: IPS After a wave of shootings, Saturday openings at IPS are a dangerous place to be. Worried ART lovers risk their lives and their cars being firebombed by angry locals when visiting Bournville but IPS continue to exert a controlling influence over the South Birmingham ART World. Such is their dominance they are fully expected to be subsumed by the NCAF revolution and maybe develop a niche dry-cleaning business.

BAZ have gone to great lengths to try and ensure the factual accuracy of ‘The Power 20’. If we’ve left you out and you feel a bit miffed about this, then please email us at birminghamartzine@ gmail.com outlining why you think you should have made the top 20. We promise to publish your reply in the next edition of BAZ.

Advertisment:

POINT! SPECIALISTS IN POINTY SHOES FOR ARTISTS! 3 PAIRS OF POINTY SHOES FOR THE PRICE OF 2 PAIRS OF POINTY SHOES! 7 PAIRS OF POINTY SHOES FOR THE PRICE OF 4 PAIRS OF POINTY SHOES! 12 PAIRS OF POINTY SHOES FOR THE PRICE OF 7 PAIRS OF POINTY SHOES! 16 PAIRS OF POINTY SHOES FOR THE PRICE OF 9 PAIRS OF POINTY SHOES! 20 PAIRS OF POINTY SHOES FOR THE PRICE OF 12 PAIRS OF POINTY SHOES! 30 PAIRS OF POINTY SHOES FOR THE PRICE OF 15 PAIRS OF POINTY SHOES! 50 PAIRS OF PONTY SHOES FOR THE PRICE OF 20 PAIRS OF POINTY SHOES! 100 PAIRS OF POINTY SHOES FOR THE PRICE OF 40 PAIRS OF POINTY SHOES! WE ARE WORLD SPECIALISTS IN POINTY SHOES. IF YOU NEED POINTY SHOES THEN COME TO US.

POINT! POINT! POINT! POINT! POINT! POINT! POINT! POINT! POINT! POINT! POINT! POINT! POINT! POINT!

PUBLIC NEW!

BAZ can exclusively reveal that troubled Pink Elephant ‘The Public’ is to be turned into the world’s largest public TOILETS. The defunct building which cost 52 million or something before going BUST has been sitting empty for months now. Council chiefs took the decision, largely on the basis of its name, to turn the costly metal building into the world’s largest ‘Public’ toilets.

The conversion which will see 1500 toilets, 800 urinals and 400 bi-days installed, is expected to cost 12 million with an annual upkeep of 3 million plus £500,000 for a new sign. The toilets, which will be open 10 - 5 Monday to Saturday, will create employment for 200 local CLEANERS. It is hoped that the building will see tourism increase in West Bromwich by as much as 40%.

TOILET BUSES Shuttle Toilet buses will run from Birmingham city centre every 15 minutes with tourists being encouraged to spend a PENNY in West Brom. Prices for the attraction are to be kept to a minimum after The Public was criticised in its original carnation as an ART gallery for been too expensive. Tickets are expected to cost a modest £4 with under 5’s admitted for free. Pensioner’s will get a half price discount on market days.

CULT F WATAC! WE ARE THE ARTS COUNCIL! BAZ can exclusively reveal today that hard-line Institutional Rap Group WATAC! (We Are The Arts Council!) are also a bizarre cult whose offbeat initiation ceremonies can last anywhere between 6 weeks and 3 months! The brainwashing self administered initiation practice, which involves re-writing 48 pages of scripture in your own words so that it sounds the same, only different, marks the start of a slippery slope that can end in severe and horrific circumstances.

THE WATAC! WORD Once part of the WATAC! Cult you will stop at nothing in spreading the WATAC! word. From talking to friends and family about the beauty of WATAC!, to branding personal items with the WATAC! symbol, WATAC! will take over your life. You love WATAC! and WATAC! loves you. Unlike other cults where members are asked to hand over money, WATAC! actually gives you money! But nothing in life comes for free. BAZ have heard unsubstantiated rumours that any criticism of WATAC! from its members results in the noisy offenders been taken away in the dead of night to a vast underground complex somewhere beneath the streets of Manchester.

SACRED WATAC! SCRIPTURES Here, dissenters are held for up to six years at a time and forced to study sacred WATAC! scriptures eight hours a day, five days a week. This cruel indoctrinating process continues until the miscreant has fully mastered the WATAC! ways. The outlaw, once questioning and critical of the WATAC! ways, has now undergone an irreversible transformation and is now a WATAC! Master.

Whilst cults such as Scientology have received a hostile response from public and press alike, WATAC! have sneaked into our society and its members are in fact EVERYWHERE. Oddly enough, WATAC! seem to recruit the majority of their members from the arts. Just as certain types of cults attract those with suicidal tendencies or a love of long hair, WATAC! attract ARTISTS and arty types.

If you’re in the WATAC! Cult and would like to talk to BAZ about your experiences please contact us immediately.

GALLERY VISITOR NUMBERS UP 200%

BAZ have been leaked astonishing visitor number figures by a Birmingham ART World mole.

The figures show that visitor numbers have increased by an incredible 200% in the last two months at all of Birmingham’s ART world institutions. Where have all these people suddenly come from? Are there increased numbers of ARTISTS in the Birmingham ART world all of a sudden? Has the general public been hit with the ART bug? BAZ set out to investigate this dramatic rise, suspicious that something dodgy may be going on. Initially BAZ couldn’t find anything underhand occurring and had almost given up on the thought of catching someone out. Then we went to sign the visitor’s book at IPS. SCRAWLED HAND WRITING Looking at the scrawled old-fashioned handwriting and the comments in the book, BAZ worked out that the visitors were predominantly really old people. BAZ took this up with a member of the door security team but were immediately escorted off the premises for not having the sticky label ‘visitor’ badge displayed clearly enough. BAZ knew from then on that something strange was going on. We decided to investigate further. It transpires that we were correct; the increased visitors were mainly old people. Whilst Birmingham ARTISTS are safely tucked up at night reading variant magazine, strange things are going on in the Birmingham ART World at night. What is happening is truly unbelievable. After Birmingham ART World Big wigs had held a secret clandestine meeting in the upper corridors of Moseley Dance Centre to discuss how to improve visitor numbers in the city, they decided the best course of action was to fudge the figures.

TERRIFIED OLD PEOPLE They came up with the bizarre idea of shipping in buses of terrified old people from Black Country old peoples homes. Well aware that this practice may raise ethical dimensions, they decided to do it at night.

The Birmingham ART world of the night is a very different place to the friendly and cosy ART world of the day. At night, all of the major Birmingham ART institutions open up from Midnight to 6am. During this time up to 400 bus loads of old people a night are whisked through the respective exhibitions at Ikon, Eastside Projects, IPS, Birmingham Museum and Art Gallery and Vivid. These are a tough gruelling 6 hours for people who really should be resting.

MANHANDLED Instead, they are subjected to up to 5 exhibitions a night as they are manhandled by tired and irritable gallery staff. Toilet breaks are few, and sitting down is banned. BAZ have set up an emergency funds appeal to help buy these poor old people some sherry and gin.

Please donate generously by sending a cheque or postal order to BAZ, HELP THE OLD FOLKS CAMPAIGN, Xanadu, Unit A3, 2 Bowyer Street, Digbeth, Birmingham, B10 0SA. Cash and jewellery also accepted.

QUOTES ON THE BIRMINGHAM ART WORLD BY FAMOUS PEOPLE WHO WISHED TO REMAIN ANONYMOUS ‘Brilliantly Brilliant’ ‘Simply Smart-Car-Tastic’ ‘A Maize Maze of Artist Led Endeavour’ ‘BMAGICAL!’ ‘Sheer Exhilaration’ ‘Like Berlin, Only Better’ ‘The Half Marathon of Art Worlds’ ‘Like having Strawberries and Cava for Breakfast and then watching Saturday Kitchen’ Better than most; but not by much’ ‘If you find it, call the AC Team now’ ‘The herbal high of British art scenes. How can this place still be legal?!’

‘Really Naughty’ ‘It’s quantity not quality street’

WILD ANIMAL MADNESS The wild animal problem affecting Birmingham ARTISTS studios has worsened.

Over the course of the last year, studio complexes in the city have been over run by a variety of rampaging beasts.

From the crocodile spotted at Fazeley Street Studios, to the army of Raccoons that briefly took over The Works, wild animals have become a major nuisance.

Birmingham ARTISTS are now afraid to enter their studios, with the production of artwork suffering as a result.

Racoons: ‘menace’

BRAVE POWERS Perhaps we should all follow the example set by a certain Peter Powers who risked his life in July when a lion was spotted at Margaret Street.

Peter ‘The Power’ Powers came to the rescue when the dangerous animal entered the ART school canteen. Clearly a violation of health and safety regulations, brave Powers wrested the lion to the ground before depositing it ceremoniously in an RSPCA vehicle parked outside.

PRIVATE DICK BAZ have taken the necessary step of hiring a private detective to try and get to the bottom of this problem. Although only a week in to the job, it appears our £2000 a week man has already made inroads.

These are unsubstantiated claims, but it appears that the animals may be stemming from a Ladywood studio complex where Juneau Projects are based.

According to our man it appears things have gone a little astray in the Juneau’s studio.

AMPLIFIER CABLES When a recent delivery from China of exotic stuffed animals were delivered to the Juneaus HQ a bizarre a mix up with amplifier cables resulted in the container being electrified.

DARK CARDBOARD RECESSES One by one the cotton wool stuffed animals came back to life and disappeared in to the many dark cardboard recesses and warrens of the Juneau’s studio. Since this unfortunate incident, exotic animals have overrun Birmingham ARTISTS studios. It is thought that their numbers are increasing rapidly due mainly to the prevalence of a strain of ‘supertomato’ rumoured to be grown locally. BAZ aren’t reading too much into this at this stage, but we think our man may be on to something. More to follow.

BAZ CAMPAIGN:

INSTITUTIONAL CRICKET: STOP THIS ELITIST SPORT NOW! If you think Institutional Cricket should be available for one and all to enjoy, and not just for the few lucky ones affiliated to institutions, please sign the online petition. Together we can make a difference. We have also set up an emergency funds appeal to pay for something very important. Please donate generously by sending a cheque or postal order to BAZ INSTITUTIONAL CRICKET CAMPAIGN, Xanadu, Unit A3, 2 Bowyer Street, Digbeth, Birmingham, B10 0SA. Cash, jewellery (any) and scrap metal also accepted (we’ll send a van round to pick it up as well).

KROKODIL ERKANNT FAZELEY STUDIO KOMPLEX!

Fazeley Studios wurden gestern frei, und abgesperrt durch RSPCA Offiziere in Aufruhr Getriebe nach einem Krokodil wurde entdeckt in Design-Agentur Studio - entstanden aus einer Klimaanlage Vent - der Croc war, wurde es von Fazeley Straße der früheren Nutzung als Reptilien-Ausbildung in den 1990er Jahren, win der wirtschaftliche Aufschwung war eine Zunahme der exotischen Tiere.

Während Mitte der 90er Jahre wurde geschätzt, dass es rund 3000 Krokodile oder aligators gehalten werden als Haustiere in Birmingham. Die Studios wurden für - schwere Störungen für Unternehmen und Künstler gleichermaßen. Nach vier Tagen des Suchens, der Croc war nirgends zu sehen. RSPCA Offiziere, davon überzeugt, dass die Croc müssen escaped aus einer Hintertür, lassen Sie die kreative Arten zurück in ihre doodling und im Chat. Dies ist noch ein weiteres Problem für Studio-Bestimmung in der Stadt - Ladywood, Fazeley-, Milch-Straße, die Arbeiten - nicht nur sind viele von ihnen kalt und feucht, oder Künstler sind preisgünstige Alternativen aus, aber die wild lebenden Tier-Problem ist exaccerbating schnell. Wenn Sie entdeckt ein wildes Tier in Ihrem Studio BAZ sofort wissen lassen. Gemeinsam können wir dieses Problem schlagen. BAZ haben eine Notfall-Fonds Rechtsmittel - BAZ Wild Animal Appeal Van - Geld zum Kauf eines BAZ van beschäftigen und ein wildes Tier Jäger zur Ausrottung dieser Tiere problematisch *

Mobile phone photo of crocodile emerging from the Fazeley Street fountain thing. Taken by a quick witted and brave employee of design agency ‘Noodle’.

* Fazeley studios were vacant yesterday, and cordoned off by RSPCA officers in riot gear, after a crocodile was spotted in the studio of design agency ‘Noodle’ emerging from an air conditioning vent. The croc was thought to have been there from Fazeley Street’s previous use as a reptiletraining centre in the 1990s when the economic boom saw a dramatic rise in exotic pets. During the mid 90s it was estimated that there were approximately 3000 crocodiles or alligators being kept as household pets in Birmingham. The studio’s were closed for four days as officers searched for the crazy croc, causing severe disruption to businesses and ARTISTS alike. After four days of searching, the croc was nowhere to be seen. RSPCA officers, satisfied that the croc must have left of its own accord via a back door waterslide, let the creative types back in to continue their doodling and chatting. This is yet another problem for studio provision in the city. Not only are many of them cold and damp - with ARTISTS priced out of alternatives - but the wild animal problem is exacerbating rapidly. If you’ve spotted a wild animal in your studio let BAZ know immediately. Together we can beat this problem. BAZ have set up an emergency funds appeal - The BAZ Wild Animal Van Appeal - to raise money to buy a BAZ van and employ a wild animal hunter to eradicate these dangerous creatures. SEND US YOUR MONEY NOW!

RURAL RETREAT!

The Birmingham ART scene was rocked last month when a mafia style ART group from Worcester and Hereford, calling themselves the Rural Liberation Front, attempted a daring coup on the Birmingham ART scene.

GUERRILLA FIGHTERS Breaking into Ikon when everyone else was at Eastside Projects, the RLF temporarily took over the top floor gallery before being asked to leave by a clearly irritated J.Watkins.

FRIGHTENING One passer by said it was frightening. It is thought that the RLF are led by the charismatic and war hungry N Pitt who was caught earlier this year trying to poach ARTISTS from Birmingham for shows in Worcester. The ART police thought they smelt something fishy when they found drugged raisins on offer at an Ikon private view.

Luckily someone had read Danny the Champion of the World and the raisins were removed before been traced back to Worcester.

ARTS COUNCIL LINKED TO GOVERNMENT! BAZ can exclusively reveal today that the Arts Council are LINKED TO THE GOVERNMENT! In a shock expose, the money the arts council gives out comes directly from the government and is DIRTY PUBLIC MONEY. SEEDY TRANSACTION Today we reveal how this transaction occurs. In a set up not dissimilar to a sophisticated drug-dealing network, money is passed down a well connected hierarchical chain of command - meetings in hotels, late night switchovers between cars, bags left in phoneboxes, twitter updates - until it reaches the ARTIST. DAVE BAZ have traced this chain through an exclusive interview with Arts Council Mule ‘Dave’ who risks his life by regularly transporting Arts Council money from London to Birmingham. ‘Well, I normally meet a guy in a large hotel in central London - he gives me the money in brown envelopes - I put it in my suitcase and catch the five pound Chiltern special back to Birmingham. I then wait a few days before meeting a man, whose name I don’t know, in The Tap and Spile. That’s all I know, I’ve done this for 3 years now and it’s tough’.

ADDICTION

‘JESO’ ADDICT The working life of a mule is usually 2 years. Fraught by anxiety, fear and panic attacks, Dave appeared defensive when we asked him whether he ever thought of the moral or ethical dimensions of this: I can’t afford to - I need the money for art. I’m addicted to Jesmonite from a dealer in London. I get this lovely Jesmonite for my sculptures….’. And then Dave broke off, clearly in need of a ‘Jeso’ “ fix.

NEXT MONTH JESMONITE ADDICT DAVE OPENS HIS HEART TO BAZ ABOUT HIS JESMONITE ADDICTION

Jesmonite: ‘Lethal’

BAZ CAMPAIGN

STOP THE STUDENT SOLDIERS DON’T KILL OFF MAGGIE ST BAZ have set up an emergency funds appeal to help these poor souls marched off to the frontline of the ART war. Please donate generously by sending a cheque or postal order to BAZ, STOP THE STUDENT SOLDIERS CAMPAIGN, Xanadu, Unit A3, 2 Bowyer Street, Digbeth, Birmingham, B10 0SA. Cash and jewellery also accepted (gold only please).

BAZ WANTS YOU! INTERN OPPORTUNITY As BAZ expand, they are looking for an intern to help with all things BAZ. You’ll gain plenty of valuable experience working at a magazine that is widely recognised as a paragon of quality art journalism. After an intensive one hour course in ART JARGON (Process! Dialogue!

Network!), we’ll put you through a gruelling two-day course in tea making. We’ll then let you loose to write our next issue all by yourself! Please email a CV, statement and 10 images of yourself to birminghamartzine@ gmail.com.

WIN TICKETS! BARBER INSTITUTE V IKON! All you have to do is tell us how many no-balls were bowled in the IKON V Eastside Projects match earlier this year? Please email us your answers and we’ll select one at random from the inbox.

BERLININGHAM!

Berlin is set to change its name to Berliningham in an attempt to breathe new life into its struggling ART scene. What’s more, they plan to model themselves exactly on our ART scene. BAZ can exclusively reveal today that the German market Brummies are so fond of frequenting in the cold winter months is NOT a real German market at all. It is in fact an elaborate front to spy on the Birmingham ART World. All the workers on the German market are in reality high flying big wigs from the Berlin ART World!

WATAC! BERLIN Composed of ARTISTS, curators and members of WATAC! Berlin, the market workers spend their days selling novelty items to Brummies, before investigating the Birmingham ART World under the cover of darkness. They then report back to Berlin their findings. BAZ have heard unsubstantiated rumours that building is already underway in Berlin to construct exact replicas of the Ikon Gallery, International Project Space and Wolverhampton Art Gallery. BAZ say NO to this.

Brandenburg Gate, Berlin

Curzon Street Station, Birmingham

DAS IKON GALLERIE Please sign the online petition and say NO. No to Das Ikon Gallerie, NO to Die International Project Space and NO to Der Wolverhampton Art Gallerie.

These are Birmingham’s and are not to be replicated. There is only space for one Birmingham ART World on the planet. No More. BAZ are proposing to build a really big wall around Birmingham and hope that with your support we can convince city council chiefs to fund this. Otherwise, before we know it, all of Birminghams artistic attractions will have been copied by Berlin.

DER BERLIN ARTS-FEST BAZ even heard unsubstantiated rumours that Berlin ART chiefs are to cancel the cities Love Parade, and divert funds into creating a Berlin version of Arts Fest. After seeing Birmingham’s Arts Fest make the front cover of Parkett for the last three years, Berlin ART bigwigs are convinced that this will prove to be a much needed injection of quality into their struggling ART scene.

Arts Fest, Birmingham

Berlin Love Parade

BIG WALL BAZ say build this wall now. BERLININGHAM! STOP THIS NOW! BAZ have set up an emergency funds appeal to help pay for the cost of building a big wall around Birmingham to stop rival ART scenes spying on us and stealing our ART scene. Please donate generously by sending a cheque or postal order to BAZ BERLININGHAM CAMPAIGN, Xanadu, Unit A3, 2 Bowyer Street, Digbeth, Birmingham, B10 0SA. Cash, jewellery (any) and scrap metal also accepted.

EASTSIDE PROJECTS GO GREEN! Eastside Projects have gone green. No, they haven’t given up their trademark day glo colour scheme, they’ve really gone green, environmentally green! Looking to become the most environmentally aware gallery in the West Midlands, EP have really shown off their green credentials over the last year. Not only did they plant trees in the gallery, they also installed a giant plastered poly tunnel!

Although our BAZ reporter didn’t see any tomatoes been grown when he visited the space, word has it that by next year Eastside Projects will be a tomato heaven. BAZ suggest it might be an idea to include some windows for light though.

THE IKON SKIP REPORT BEAT THE CREDIT CRUNCH WITH THE IKON SKIP REPORT!

Exclusive highlights of what has been thrown out in February: three 4X8 sheets of Plywood, 2 wooden ladders, 7 panes of brand new glass and a Ferrari.

MISS ARTISTS!

The Crown: ‘Dangerous’

The recent switch to Friday night openings at Eastside venues is thought to be a direct result of the credit crunch. Eastside bigwigs are thought to be working in partnership with the landlords of Digbeth pubs, with ARTISTS likely to stay out longer and later on a Friday night. BAZ are concerned that this may lower the general rate of productivity across the city with many ARTISTS unable to make it to their studios on a Saturday.

APATHY AND ALCOHOLISM BAZ say ‘a happy ART scene is a hard working ART scene’ and fear the late night openings may create an atmosphere of apathy and alcoholism. On the other hand, BAZ believe it is important to keep pubs busy in this time of economic hardship. BAZ took to the streets to conduct a survey on the matter. An astonishing 73 percent said they were in favour of late night openings. BAZ say be aware.

ARTISTS HAPPY HOUR The vibrant Glasgow ART scene was obliterated last year after pubs started offering ARTIST happy hour promotions. The message from BAZ is - BIRMINGHAM: BE AWARE. BE CAREFUL. BE VIGILANT.

BAZ CRIT Please send in your images as low res as possible. We’ll put your work under scrutiny as never before.

It’s difficult to tell from this image as its of a pretty poor quality. It looks like some kind of sculpture thing constructed from bricks. Nice. Well done. 7 / 10.

BAZ CAMPAIGN:

BRING BACK BARBER! BAZ have set up an emergency funds appeal to help pay for the cost of returning the Barber Institute, currently lying abandoned by thieves at Junction 12 of the M40. Please donate generously by sending a cheque or postal order to BAZ BRING BACK BARBER CAMPAIGN, Xanadu, Unit A3, 2 Bowyer Street, Digbeth, Birmingham, B10 0SA. Cash and jewellery also accepted (gold only please).

THE IKON SKIP REPORT BEAT THE CREDIT CRUNCH WITH THE IKON SKIP REPORT!

Exclusive highlights of what has been thrown out in May: more plywood, 2000 screws and 11 plasma TV’s.

EXCLUSIVE! BIRMINGHAM IS GALLERY HEAVEN! BAZ can exclusively reveal that Birmingham has seven commercial galleries dedicated to the selling of contemporary ART. According to The Yellow Pages, these seven galleries are: Whitewall Galleries, St.Pauls Gallery, Number Nine The Gallery, Castle Galleries, Halcyon Gallery, Purple Gallery, The Tiny Gallery.

Any doubts that Birmingham isn’t a rival to other commercial ART districts such as London’s East End are surely disproved by these astonishing figures. BAZ also know of at least one another Gallery - Marcus Galleries in Moseley - and suspect there may be more. ARTISTS wishing to sell work in Birmingham no longer have to do a runner to London on the five pound Chiltern special to look for commercial success.

SPLASH THE CASH They can now make a living selling their work to Birmingham buyers lining up to splash the cash. Our roving reporter went to investigate one of these establishments to find out what making money in the Birmingham ART World is all about. According to their website, ‘Purple Gallery opened in Bournville, Birmingham in April 2005 and promotes the work of local, regional and national contemporary emerging artists. The Gallery holds a fine selection of Paintings, Ceramics, Original Prints, Sculpture and Jewellery’.

CERAMIC THINGS BAZ had a lovely afternoon there, looking at some ceramic things and watercolour paintings. Apparently some of the pieces we were surrounded by would sell up to and sometimes over £100. BAZ left The Purple Gallery feeling reassured that commercial artistic activity in the city is thriving, despite the credit crunch. ART Lovers are still prepared to spend big in pursuit of the things they love. BAZ couldn’t afford the astronomical prices casually spoken about, but they did purchase a nice postcard of a vase. In the Birmingham ART World, money really is beginning to talk.

ART WAR!

It’s been a difficult few years for the Birmingham ART World. The Institutional Rap problem has escalated into an all out war after a dispute between Ikon and Eastside Projects. They declared war on each other after they both went for the same ARTIST for their respective May 2010 shows. After protracted negotiations as to who should give the ARTIST a show, agreement wasn’t reached and the institutions felt that war was the best option.

Both institutions immediately diverted funds from ART into artillery.

The morning after the declaration, frantic activity was spotted at both galleries.

SECOND HAND SHERPA TANKS Rocket launchers were spotted been delivered to Ikon through the back door, whilst two second hand Sherpa tanks were parked outside Eastside Projects. It is thought that Eastside’s decision to have a sparse opening launch - justified in the blurb as a “highly constructed ‘empty’

TNAGW tanks on the move along the A34

space” - was actually a canny pretext for hiding the fact that they had spent all their money on tanks, and were unable to pay for any ARTISTS for the opening. The subsequent second and third ‘openings’ where more ART appeared, were funded by a Sunday car boot in Stirchley selling off VRU equipment. Unfortunately all the other Birmingham ART institutions have subsequently been drawn into the war, despite the ARTIST Ikon and Eastside were fighting over withdrawing from showing at either institution. Now Birmingham is embroiled in a full on war - with I.R.G’s (Institutional Rap Groups) fighting daily over ‘turf’. Police and local authorities have turned a blind eye to various groups investing heavily in heavy artillery, preferring to let them fight it out amongst themselves. Reports that The BMAG Gang spent £500 000 on rocket launchers have proved unfounded.

STUDENT SOLDIERS

RENTED ROOM RECESSION! BAZ can exclusively reveal today that ARTISTS are now able to move up the rented room ladder with greater ease. Whilst the credit crunch is hitting the pockets of ARTISTS, it has had unexpected benefits. ARTISTS who only ever dreamed of having a large room in Moseley are now able to live the dream - at least for a while - as rented room prices have dropped by almost 30%. We’ve even heard reports of one landlord offering a free Chez Lounge and hat stand with every room in an attempt to entice ARTISTS into his properties.

Chez Lounge: ‘desirable’

At Margaret Street things took a turn for the worse when it was leaked by an ART school mole that degree students were been admitted on the basis of their fighting ability, rather than their artistic credentials. Turning up fresh faced for interviews, sketchbooks and portfolios under their arms, Potential ART School students were greeted

by Commander J Butler and Colonel Wigley in full military garb.

GRUELING EXAMINATION They were then subjected to a grueling SIX hour examination to test their usefulness for the ART war. BAZ think this is truly shocking; accepting students, not on their artistic ability, but on how they will cope in warfare.

BAZ subsequently launched the ‘Stop The Student Soldiers’ Campaign. We had over 6000 signatures in three days, but still this shocking practice continues.

POOR SOULS BAZ have now set up an emergency funds appeal to help these poor souls marched off to the front-line of the ART war. Please donate generously by sending a cheque or postal order to BAZ, STOP THE STUDENT SOLDIERS CAMPAIGN, Xanadu, Unit A3, 2 Bowyer Street, Digbeth, Birmingham, B10 0SA. Cash and jewellery also accepted (gold only please).

IKON SCULPTURE TRIED TO EAT MY MISSUS! ‘I had taken my missus to a see a bit of art and culture at the Ikon, bit of cafe rouge afterwards sort of thing you know. Anyway we went into the Martin Creed exhibition, I briefly turned my head and low and behold there’s a cactus trying to eat my missus’.

CREEDY CACTUS ‘This could have happened to anyone, what were they thinking putting a man eating cactus in an art gallery?’ The naughty cactus, which formed part of a line of cacti in the recent Martin Creed exhibition, was unavailable for comment when BAZ contacted the Ikon.

BAZ CAMPAIGN:

STOP THE WILD ANIMAL MADNESS BAZ have set up an emergency funds appeal to help pay for the cost of hiring a wild animal hunter to remove the wild beasts currently running rampage in Birmingham ARTISTS studios. Please donate generously by sending a cheque or postal order to BAZ WILD ANIMAL CAMPAIGN, Xanadu, Unit A3, 2 Bowyer Street, Digbeth, Birmingham, B10 0SA. Cash and jewellery also accepted (silver or gold).

WAR REPORT

The war between Ikon and Eastside worsened dramatically over the last month. Ikon have reportedly lost 37 personal along the way, whilst the Eastside count has now reached 20. Eastside have been boosted by the introduction of 70 new first year student soldiers captured in a daring day time raid on Margaret Street. They tried a daring night time raid but forgot that the ART school is only open until eight so they had to come back the next day. The keen 18 year old’s had only been at the ART school for two weeks before they were forcibly drafted into the Eastside ranks. The bloody war which has already seen 96 impartial ARTISTS killed to date, threatens to destroy the Birmingham ART Scene. Please back the NO TO STUDENT SOLDIERS CAMPAIGN AND STOP THIS VIOLENCE NOW. SAY NO TO STUDENT SOLDIERS. PLEASE sign the BAZ online petition and donate money to help the first years caught up in this bloody and messy conflict. Please give generously. BAZ call for an end to violence NOW - otherwise they’ll be no students left for the ART scene of the future.

BOURRIAUD SHOW IN STIRCHLEY HAIRDRESSERS CURL UP AND DYE GIVEN GREEN LIGHT BY CITY ART BIGWIGS Bourriaud is coming to Birmingham. As part of his world tour, French curator Nick Bourriaud is to curate a show at Stirchley Hairdressers ‘Curl up and Dye’ after the hairdressers won an award in a Local hairdressing magazine. The bizarre award - possibly the result of a mix up at the printers - is apparently legally binding.

Bourriaud has to come and do the show or he can be SUED.

EAST-SLIDE PROJECTS!

EASTSIDE Projects have had a direct pipe-line installed running mineral water from the Malvern Hills for a swimming pool and small water slide complex. Soft skinned directors were said to be pleased with the addition, which complements the gallery’s sauna and private yacht. Maggie Street boss man John Butler reacted quickly to quash rumours that BCU money was going down the drain, but couldn’t say anymore as he had to dash off to pick up some limited edition BCU Bermuda shorts from the printers.

WAR-SALL! The New Art Gallery Walsall has being dragged into the conflict between Ikon and Eastside projects. In an unexpected twist, Walsall attempted to contact the un-named ARTIST both galleries crave after. Ikon and Eastside then decided to bury the hatchet and turn on the New Art Gallery Walsall. Ikon staff and Eastside Associate members led the charge towards the heavily fortified New Art Gallery. Invigilators at Ikon were seen last taping together old Bernard Frize catalogues with masking tape and soaking them in extra virgin olive oil in an attempt to make Impromptu flammable incendiaries.

HEW LOCKE SCULPTURE Chief bigwig Stephen Snoddy was also seen on the balcony of TNAGW waving a Hew Lock sculpture in the sun to direct ARTISTS heading from Dudley castle up the Birmingham new road to Camp Ikon. Darren Lago had also been called in by text to develop an individual Catherine wheel-esque sculpture ready for the capture of the Ikon chiefs. The frantic activity in the West Midlands has clearly put the frighteners up neighbouring regions. Arts Council East Midlands have decided to stop funding any more ART projects with immediate effect.

RUSSIAN TANKS It is thought that the money is to be spent on a fleet of Russian tanks which will be divided equally between Leicester and Nottingham. BAZ say stop this fighting now. Arts Council East Midlands what are you thinking spending eight million on a fleet of Soviet death machines? Before you know it, neither Leicester or Nottingham will have an ART scene. Buying them tanks and telling them to watch out for the West Midlands is an irresponsible act. Before you know it, they will be fighting amongst themselves. This is the latest offering in a wave of violence that has spread across cities outside of London. Becoming bolder in their intentions, and believing themselves to be genuine alternatives to London, ART scenes have attempted to take over other ART scenes.

Rumour has it that Liverpool, clearly buoyed by it’s capital of culture status, has begun plans to storm Manchester. Reports have emerged from the city that all Liverpool ARTISTS are to abandon their practices to concentrate on the production of weapons. Manchester ARTISTS have responded to these rumours by beginning to dig a large moat around the city.

NUCLEAR GALORE!

WATAC! West Midlands are to begin developing a nuclear weapons programme as violence continues to spread across the nations ART scenes.

CONTROVERSIAL In what is a controversial measure, WATAC! Birmingham have given the go ahead for a nuclear complex to be built in Shirley.

ANGER Angry Shirley residents took to the streets yesterday in protest. BAZ think they have a point.

There aren’t that many ARTISTS in Shirley, and it seems a little unfair to drag innocent areas into the rapidly escalating ART war, particularly those that don’t have many ARTISTS. COLLOSAL BLUNDER This is being viewed as a colossal blunder by WATAC! who really should have thought this through more. Building a nuclear complex in Shirley is ridiculous. BAZ say why not build one in Moseley? Building a nuclear complex in Moseley makes sense. There is a readily available supply of ARTISTS to work on the programme. Sending ARTISTS to work in Shirley is a waste of valuable time and money.

MOSELEY Today BAZ launch a campaign to have the nuclear site relocated to Moseley. Already Moseley ARTISTS bedrooms resemble small weaponry’s as the Birmingham ART Scene prepares to march on Bristol next month. More to follow.

Angry Shirley residents

BAZ asked a whole host of continental philosophers over the course of the last year what should be done about the wild animal problem affecting Birmingham ARTISTS studios. Here Michael Foucault and Jacques Derrida offer their advice on how Birmingham should respond to these creatures:

CONTINENTAL PHILOSOPHER OF THE MONTH: JACQUES DERRIDA Vous devez être prudent, très prudent.

J’ai vu similaires ne se reproduiront à Lyon il ya 15 ans quelque chose. Il a été assez horrible pour être honnête. Ce qui était au départ une petite infestation de ratons laveurs dans un complexe intérieur petite ville studio, a abouti à la scène artistique de l’ensemble des villes anéanties dans l’année. Les animaux littéralement détruit tout - y compris les artistes eux-mêmes. Ce qui avait été un labyrinthe vibrant d’activités dirigées par des artistes transformé en un désert désolé du néant créatif. Je soupçonne cependant qu’il mai être déjà trop tard à Birmingham. Je pense que la seule chose que vous pouvez faire est de libérer votre studios immédiatement - en sortir maintenant je dis avant qu’il ne soit trop tard. Run to the Hills et y rester jusqu’à ce que ces créatures destructrices ont déménagé ailleurs.

GO NOW!*

*You need to be careful, very careful. I saw something similar happen in Lyon 15 years ago. It was pretty awful to be honest. What was initially a small infestation of raccoons in a small inner city studio complex, resulted in the cities entire art scene been wiped out within the year. The animals literally destroyed everything - including the artists themselves. What had once been a vibrant oasis of artist led activity turned into a desolate wasteland of creative nothingness in months. I suspect though, that it may be too late already in Birmingham. I think the only thing you can do is vacate your studios immediately - get out now. Run to the hills and stay there until these destructive creatures have moved on elsewhere. GO NOW!

CONTINENTAL PHILOSOPHER OF THE MONTH: MICHAEL FOUCAULT ‘Catch these animals now or they will destroy you’ C’est un problème sérieux et il doit répondre immédiatement.

Si ce n’est pas ces bêtes sauvages pourraient ruiner la scène de l’art Birmingham. Je vous suggère d’organiser un événement qui au long de la journée chaque artiste à Birmingham a à y participer.

Lors de cet événement, vous devrez travailler de concert pour construire des grands animaux des pièges qui vous seront alors en studio tous les complexes de la ville.* •This is a serious problem and it needs addressing immediately. If it isn’t these wild beasts could ruin the Birmingham art scene. I suggest you organise a day long event which every single artist in Birmingham has to attend. At this event, you will work together to construct large animal traps which you will then place in every studio complex in the city.

IPS ATTACKED BY ANGRY MOB Locals furious at the drinking going on at IPS Private Views stormed the building with sharpened stakes and burning effigies last weekend. The area, which is still 90% Mormon takes a hard line on any form of public drinking and still lives by 18th century laws. If found guilty of drinking, everyone at the recent IPS private view will be hanged next Thursday.

THE ARTISTS PUB REPORT EXCLUSIVE! LANDLORD EDDIE OF THE LAMP TAVERN OPENS HIS HEART TO BAZ ABOUT THE STRANGE THINGS THAT GO ON IN HIS BACK ROOM ‘It’s been really fantastic since these young creative types have begun to flood into my back room. I think we had 70 of them in their once, although the room can hold 400 easily - polish that is. I’ve been really impressed with the quality of some of the things that have gone on in there to be honest. The Self Service Pub Conversations were a real treat; I particularly enjoyed Mark E Gubbs’s presentation. It really was great stuff.

Very very interesting indeed. Personally I’m more into French Impressionism myself, I do like a good Cezanne. But, you know, it has been a real eye opener for me finding out about this contemporary art lark. I’m almost tempted to give it a go myself! I’ll raise a glass to that. Here’s to contemporary art!

Cheers!’

BRITISH ART FOUNDATION VAGUELY SIMILAR TO THE BRITISH HEART FOUNDATION Offering comprehensive legal advice on ARTISTS injuries. Contact us IMMEDIATELY if you want to make a claim or sue someone for your injury. We can HELP. NOT to be confused with British Artists Football (although we do make most of our money through them). This month we’ve had several letters regarding the problematic relationship between ARTISTS and Stanley knifes. This is a difficult one legally.

Usually it’s the result of a moment of lack of concentration or suicidal artistic despair. BUT if any of the following criteria apply, we can help you SUE successfully and get some cold hard CASH for your injury.

Someone was in the room with you when you cut yourself.

WE CAN HELP YOU SUE THEM NOW! Your Granny brought it for you for Christmas. CLAIM COMPENSATION NOW! You stole it off the guy in the studio next door. CLAIM YOUR MONEY NOW!

YOU ARE NOT A

FAILURE!

BAZ Special Price for Birmingham Artists Only £9.99

The One And Only Relaxation CD For Artists!

Think BIG! Your dreams will come TRUE! Aim for the skies and you will SUCCEED! Why? Because you are not a FAILURE! You are a SUCCESS! ‘It’s just that you’re the only one who knows it. You are successful in ways that other people aren’t. Success isn’t only measured through shows, exhibitions, residences and peer admiration. Success is measured inside you. If you feel successful, you are a success! And you are a success! I can feel it now just how successful you are. Wow, you are successful! Just because people don’t know you on your local art scene, it doesn’t mean that you are not important. You are important! You are a VIP. A bona fide art VIP! You are the most important person in the Birmingham Art World and you know that. You are better than everyone else put together! Your work is amazing, truly amazing! One day you will be recognised for the brilliant talent that you truly are.

Make no mistake about it, you are brilliant!

A genuinely brilliant artist. Yes, that’s right, you are a brilliant artist. If people ignore you or don’t take any notice of you, it’s because they don’t understand how great you are and how great your work is. They are the losers here. You are a winner! You are a real winner! You are a thoroughbred artist of the highest degree. A champion.

In fact, you are ART!’.

PLEASE SEND A CHEQUE FOR £9.99 TO BAZ ARTISTS RELAXATION CD OFFER, XANADU, UNIT A3, 2 BOWYER ST, DIGBETH, BIRMINGHAM.

MARGARET STREAK!

MARGARET STREET EXPOSE: TUTORS CAUGHT NAKED DOING RITUAL IN DESPERATE ATTEMPT TO GET STUDENTS INTO COLLEGE. BAZ can exclusively reveal that seven Margaret Street tutors were caught last year conducting a night time pagan ritual in the concourse by want away Margaret Street security guard and ARTIST Matt Robinson who had returned to the ART school to pick up his sketchbook.

NAKED TUTORS Robinson opened the hallowed wooden doors just before midnight to find seven tutors, naked and possibly under the influence, undertaking a ritual to encourage more students to come into the ART school.

GHOST TOWN In recent weeks the sound of ‘Ghost Town’ by The Specials has being heard coming from the closed Rogers and Wigley high command. BAZ suspect that they were finalising plans for the intricate and complex ritual that lasts for 10 hours and involves a lot of paint.

BARE BOTTOMED Images of previous BCU high flyers - Mark.S Gubb, Faye Claridge and Ivan Morrison - were projected onto the ceiling as the tutors danced BARE bottomed to the sound of ‘Art Lover’ by the Kinks. Honest Robinson who has been disturbed by the incident since moving down to Bristol contacted BAZ recently to report the incident. Robinson

revealed how the lyrics HAUNT him daily and prompt nightmarish harrowing flashbacks. Robinson then put his head in his hands as he begun to sing. BAZ have printed below just SOME of the lyrics that have traumatised Robinson for months: Sunday afternoon there’s something special It’s just like another world.

Jogging in the park is my excuse To look at all the little girls.

I’m not a flasher in a rain coat, I’m not a dirty old man, I’m not gonna snatch you from your mother, I’m an art lover.

Come to daddy, Ah, come to daddy, Come to daddy.

Robinson entered rehab last month battling an addiction to 20 / 20, having taken up drinking to eradicate the memories of seeing seven Margaret Street tutors in the buff.

BAZ CAMPAIGN:

BERLININGHAM !

STOP THIS NOW! BAZ have set up an emergency funds appeal to help pay for the cost of building a big wall around Birmingham to stop rival ART scenes spying on us and stealing our ART scene. Please donate generously by sending a cheque or postal order to BAZ BERLININGHAM CAMPAIGN, Xanadu, Unit A3, 2 Bowyer Street, Digbeth, Birmingham, B10 0SA. Cash, jewellery (any) and scrap metal also accepted.

ART WORLD! LADYWOOD TO BE DEMOLISHED TO MAKE WAY FOR WORLDS FIRST ART ADVENTURE THEME PARK

Council officers have decided to back the arts in Birmingham by announcing plan to create the world’s first ART inspired adventure theme park. The multi million pound investment, partly funded by an Icelandic banking corporation, will see Ladywood demolished to make way for ‘ART WORLD’.

ARTISTS AT WORK Various Ladywood Studios and The Springhill Institute will be left intact, forming central visitor attractions, where visitors will be able to come and watch the ARTISTS at work.

It is expected that the Ikon, Eastside Projects, Vivid, IPS, BMAG, The New Art Gallery Walsall and The Barber Institute will all be moved to this city centre location over the next 5 years as the council try to replicate the success of the Black Country Museum.

ARTIST LED QUARTER All the main institutions will be positioned along the Ladywood middleway with an ARTIST led visitor quarter around Springhill Institute. The project, which will see Alton Tower’s style ART themed rides across the whole site, is expected to bring in two million visitors over the next 5 years and generate 300 million in revenue each year. BAZ are backing the project believing that ART and commerce, when done correctly, can go together. BAZ say yes to ‘ART WORLD’. Please write a letter to the City Council saying you back ‘ART WORLD’. Let them know we want it.

THE INSTITUTIONAL RAP PROBLEM BAZ INVESTIGATES THE INSTITUTIONAL RAP GROUP PROBLEM CURRENTLY AFFLICTING THE BIRMINGHAM ART WORLD Local artists have begun to talk of ‘The BAW Pit’. But what, exactly, is ‘The BAW Pit’? It is a slang term to describe the Birmingham ART World (BAW).

‘The BAW Pit’ represents a city centre and Digbeth area where heavy fighting is occurring between feuding IRG’s (Institutional Rap Groups).

Unfortunately, Birmingham has had a severe problem with Institutional Rap for the last 18 months. The war of words between the feuding groups has escalated to such an extent that Birmingham ART Institutions are now involved in a full scale war.

UNMEDIATED VIOLENCE Disturbing scenes of unmediated violence are now a common sight around city centre and Digbeth ART venues. The Institutional Rap problem began last year after the Walsall exhibition on street ART. One of the ARTISTS invited to participate in this, who can’t now be named for legal reasons, asked Birmingham ART institutions to set up a rap group for the day. Regrettably for the Birmingham ART scene, the relational stunt designed to attract headlines turned sour. The thrill of the gangster lifestyle proved too much as organisations and city ART leaders embraced their new identities to ridiculous extremes.

TURF WAR The feuding, for a while playful and good spirited, swiftly turned into a battle over ‘turf’, before descending into outright war. Recent attempts

by GWA and the ESP Male Voice Choir to move away from the hard-line rap culture with the release of an adaption of a Nina Simone cover (‘I Wish I knew how it would feel to be FREEE’) fell on deaf ears. At a packed Eastside Projects 7” Single Launch Party, GWA belted out a vocal rendition of the song in an attempt to bring peace to ‘The BAW Pit’.

Unfortunately the performance had to be abandoned with GWA only four lines into their performance after V.I.V.I.D launched a drive by shooting in limos from the shop next door. BAZ have printed below these lyrics that have become an unofficial anthem for ARTISTS calling for an end to the art war: I wish I knew how it would feel to be FREEE I wish I could break all the chains holding me I wish I could say all the things that I should say say ‘em loud, say ‘em clear for The BAW Pit to hear.

BAZ have found out that all of these groups have their own distinctive hand signals that they use to fend off rival gangs or mark out territory.

We can exclusively reveal below what some of these hand signals look like. Be warned, if you see any of these hand signals get out of the room immediately. These people are dangerous. Things could kick off at any moment. And you could be caught in the middle of it.

WATAC!

The BMAG Gang

The HOI Polloi Bunch

IPS

THE AC TEAM “In 1990 a group of men and women were sent to Birmingham by some people in London as Arts Council West Midlands had been established. These people stayed for a bit, to be replaced by others every now and then. Today, still linked to the government, they survive as employees of the state. If you have a problem, if no one else can help, and if you can find them, maybe you can hire the West Midlands AC-Team.”

As ever, BAZ are at the cutting edge of investigative journalism. We spent three hours on the roof of the AC Teams HQ with our ears glued to an air conditioning vent listening for snippets of information. We are pretty certain that we heard the following lines:

I’m goin’ on that airplane!

I pity the fool who goes out tryin’ a’ take over da art world, then runs home cryin’ to his momma!

I love it when an application comes together!

BARBER INSTITUTE STOLEN!

Daring crooks have stolen the Barber Institute in an ambitious late night raid.

Without anyone noticing, the gang of criminals uprooted the famous Birmingham Institute and made off with it down the Bristol Road.

SHOCKING Police found the abandoned institute at junction 12 of the M40 near Gaydon.

Unfortunately, the crooks emptied the building of half of its collection. The building also came under brief tank fire from Compton Verney who mistook the abandoned building for a daring raid on the Warwickshire ART scene.

After it became clear that this wasn’t an act of hostility from the Birmingham ART scene, Compten Verney withdrew their tanks, although snipers have remained close by.

PUBLIC MONEY It is expected to take a month and wads of public money to return the Institute to its home. What does this mean to Birmingham not having the Barber Institute for a week? And should public money be spent on this operation? BAZ hit the streets of the Birmingham ART Scene to canvass opinion on the matter:

Can’t go there - I’m from BCU - I’ve heard they tar and feather ex-poly students if they catch them on Birmingham University Grounds.

Barber Institute, didn’t know Phil had a building named after him.

Terrible shame, I used to love going to there to sit outside and watch the female students in their short skirts in summer. Very picturesque place.

SAD Opinions on the whole expressed a sad tone that the Barber had gone for a week. BAZ have reacted quickly to this by setting up the Bring Back Barber campaign as it is expected to cost and arm and a leg to move it from Junction 12 to Birmingham University. Please go to the BAZ website and donate generously NOW! GAME

WHERE’S WATKINS? If you can spot chief Ikon bigwig J Watkins in this edition of BAZ you could win yourself a day out at the BAZ HQ. Please email your answers to birminghamartzine@gmail.com

DEAR AUNTY BAZ Dear Aunty BAZ,

Dear Aunty BAZ,

I was in the butchers buying some Cumberland sausages the other day. The butcher’s first line to me was ‘day off is it sir’? I replied no, I was working. I was going around all the charity shops buying Barbie dolls. ‘Oh really sir, and what would you be doing buying Barbie girls for sir’. I informed him they were for an installation I was doing that involved 500 Barbie girls. ‘Oh really sir, and that’s what you call working is it?’ he replied. I was completely stumped for an answer. I’ve worked really hard finding 500 Barbie dolls on the cheap but no one seems to understand outside of my arty mates.

‘What exactly what do you do sir?’ I tried to explain to the inquisitor in question that I was an artist. ‘An Artist Sir!’ came the reply. ‘I thought artists painted pictures and carved shapes out of stone Sir. Sorry Sir, I didn’t realise that buying Barbie girls in bulk made you an artist’. I tried to explain to him that artists do all sorts or things and come in all shapes and sizes, but he seemed to have made up his mind, particularly the fact that it must have been nice for me to have time off in the middle of the day. I’ve begun to question my existence Aunty BAZ. In fact, I’m not really sure what an artist is anymore?

My partner is addicted to the jobs and opportunities section on the a-n magazine website. His behaviour is becoming increasingly erratic. He sits at his computer all day and even gets up at 3.00am and 5.00am to check if any other opportunities have been added. He never even gets in an application for as soon as he starts writing he abandons it to begin on another one.

Yours existential, Dave Dear Dave, I suggest you buy some sausages from his shop and make a sculpture from them. Take this back in as a gift for the butcher. Problem solved. He’ll love it!

Aunty BAZ

Yours frustrated, Daisy.

Dear Daisy, This is very serious - you need to give him an ANBO (an Artists Newsletter Behavioural Order) immediately. Total abstinence from listings for six months.

Aunty BAZ. Dear Aunty BAZ, I’ve just got my first residency - at a hospice.

I think the reason I got the job is because I told them that I had been looking after my dying grandmother for the last two years.

The problem is, I lied on my application - my grans an absolute picture of health. I only applied because the pay was good. I don’t think I can deal with been surrounded by death. What should I do Aunty BAZ? Tell the truth or try and get through it?

Yours severely worried, Anna.

Dear Anna, This is a difficult one.

Best of luck, Aunty BAZ.

Dear Aunty BAZ,

Dear Aunty BAZ,

My partner is a performance artist. His pieces usually involve bounding up to people in public spaces on all fours and pretending to urinate on their legs. He then videos peoples responses to this. Usually they call him a wanker or something similar. Recently he has begun to get really hostile responses - he now does it on Friday or Saturday nights on Broad Street. He has ended up in hospital for the last four weekends after being badly beaten up. When I go to pick him up the hospital staff say he needs to stop doing this or he’ll be arrested. He tries to explain to them that it’s art but they say he’s a drain on valuable resources. What should I do?

My boyfriend is a sculptor. He’s not a particularly good one, but he tries nevertheless. He mainly makes very heavy odd looking objects out of building plaster. Our house is full of them. I would move them but I don’t want to hurt his feelings, and I’m physically unable to. It’s like Easter Island downstairs. Fortunately they are too heavy to carry upstairs. I thought the upstairs of our house was safe from his art - until recently. I am worried, very worried. He has gone into making sculptures for the ‘bedroom’ large crude mechanical devices to help with our love life. The problem is they are all made from large rusty bits of metal often with sharp edges - he has reclaimed from the breakers yard for some cash in hand. Last night he got in at 6.00 pm, but we couldn’t go to bed until 11.30 as he was busy constructing Performance Machine Mark Four ‘Excalibur’. This was so heavy the plaster cracked in the living room and fell on the kid’s dinner. When ‘Excalibur’ was eventually constructed we became trapped between an old iron bed frame and a BMX. We had to call the kids to help get us out. I can’t take this anymore Jane. What’s more I’m terrified I may get tuberculosis from the rusty metal. What should I do Aunty BAZ?

Yours worried, Annabel.

Dear Annabel, This is a very common problem. The vast majority of letters I receive are from the partners of performance artists, usually seriously concerned about the increasingly erratic behaviour of their partners. I also have a high proportion of letters sent in from depressed artists who are injured and house bound after undertaking Bas Jan Ader remakes. The problem is that if a performance artist wants to perform, then there is very little you can do. One does not become a performance artist, rather one is born a performance artist. If your boyfriend wants to bound up to people on Friday nights and pretend to urinate on their legs then you have to accept that. I suggest that you maybe accompany him on his little adventures. If people begin to get hostile towards him then you can perhaps help out by explaining to them that this is art, not mental deficiency.

I’m sure the Broad St clientele will be more than understanding!

Yours, Aunty BAZ.

Janet.

Dear Janet, I suggest you sneak out under cover of darkness, taking your children with you.

Once a man begins to build machines for the bedroom there is very little you can do I’m afraid. Either get out or risk an imminent and messy death.

Aunty BAZ.

Dear Aunty BAZ, Art is ruining our relationship. We’re both performance / video artist’s - we predominantly film ourselves engaged in strange and bizarre situations. But we’re getting scared that one of us may die soon - and we can’t stop. We’re addicted to the thrill of performance. Our most recent work is called the lovers cliché series: Love is blind. Marriage is the eye-opener (we got married and put match sticks between our eyes for three days; we required hospital treatment).

Love is not just gazing at each other but looking together in the same direction (we stood on a hill for four days looking in the same direction without food or water. We required hospital treatment).

Love is the unity of two hearts beating together as one (we super-glued our selves together so we resembled Siamese twins. We required hospital treatment when Andy tried to run from a wasp and tore all the skin off my left hand side).

We are becoming very worried that our collaborating is going to end in a near death situation. Collaboration is a dangerous thing.

What should we do Aunty BAZ? Yours concerned, Katie & Andy Dear Katie & Andy, I suggest you stop collaborating immediately.

I suggest you visit one of the newly opened arts council funded artists rehab centres. You do need to apply for arts council funding to go there though. But they’ll let you know within 6 weeks or if you need to go for a long time, it can take 3 months to get a decision. You might get rejected, so on average it takes about 7 months to get in. If you get in you should take the highly recommended Critically Coping with Collaboration Critically (CCCC). Hope that helps!

Aunty BAZ.

Dear Aunty BAZ, I make timed based ephemeral art - mainly cardboard versions of grandfather clocks which I then set fire to. I then put on nights where I recount the experience. I believe the spoken word is enough as I don’t believe in documentation. The problem is that I keep getting rejected from exhibitions - everyone wants to see photos or videos of the grandfather clocks on fire. I’ll often turn up to recount my stories at exhibition selection panel meetings, only to be turned away point blank. I’ve now begun to doubt myself and have begun to think that what I do is completely pointless. Is art pointless Aunty BAZ? Yours despairingly, Steve.

Dear Steve, Yes Art is Pointless! Of course it’s pointless. That’s its point. It feels my heart with radiant joy that there is someone out there making intricate versions of grandfather clocks out of cardboard and then burning them. You must be the only person in the world doing this. Think of that! You are an amazing person! Keep up the pointless work.

Aunty BAZ.

BAZ ‘truth against the world’

Dear Aunty BAZ,

Dear Aunty BAZ,

I have a problem. I am obsessed with art. It’s fine in my day-to-day existence, as I can hide this. The problem I have is when I have sex with my girlfriend (now ex-girlfriend).

Every time I come to climax I shout out the names of male artists I admire. My girlfriend left yesterday when I screamed “kippenberger” at the point of orgasm. She walked out saying she had had enough. Do you think I need therapy? Last week I shouted out Jackson Pollock, but managed to cover myself by saying something about my b******ks.

Yesterday I just couldn’t think of a anything quick enough to rhyme with Kippenburger.

I’m nearly 40, but I still haven’t come out to my mum that I’m an artist.

Every time I build up to it, I get an intense feeling of shame at what I do and bottle it. She thinks I’ve been in the army for the last 17 years. Before going round to see her, I always put on some kit I brought from the local army surplus store. I told her the reason I always wear a 1980s German army jacket (it was cheap) is because I’m working abroad a lot - that’s why I’m not around much. In reality I live 12 miles away. I’m too shameful to tell her this and the things I get up with my arty mates.

Richard.

Yours troubled, Dear Richard, Brian.

As the poem goes...

Dear Brian Speaking from experience, I know that you’ve got this problem for life unfortunately. The only think to do is to list all of your favourite artists and work out ‘covering’ rhymes. This way you can be ready. Here are a few examples. If you shouted out Picasso, you could cover yourself by saying ‘lets go to Burkina Faso’ (which is a desperately poor landlocked country in western Africa; it was Upper Volta under French rule but gained Independence in 1960). Or if you scream out Warhol, you could say ‘ I’ve got a large barge pole’.

Hope that helps!

Aunty BAZ.

A Mother’s love is something that no on can explain, It is made of deep devotion and of sacrifice and pain, It is endless and unselfish and enduring come what may For nothing can destroy it or take that love away.

Wouldn’t tell her you’re an artist though!

Aunty BAZ.

Dear Aunty BAZ, I have had to stop frequenting pubs on Broad St because I am always made to take off my flat cap by overly aggressive doormen. The other day I said to a doorman, ‘Sir, this isn’t any old hat - this is an artists flat cap; it is a potent signifier of my profession. I am an artist and I wear a flat cap.

My flat cap defines my existence’.

He then confiscated the cap, saying I could collect it on the way out. I was deeply offended at this; I tried to explain to him that there is nothing wrong with wearing a flat cap. The only people who wear them are old working class men, farmers and artists. We are the wretched of the earth.

Steve.

Dear Steve, I suggest you start wearing an invisible flat cap. That will fool them!

Best, Aunty BAZ.

Dear Aunty BAZ, I have been thinking of giving up the art and getting a mortgage, job and possibly a smart car. True, I have being progressing up the rented room ladder recently. From a small box room with no windows five years ago, I now have an adequately sized bedroom with double-glazing and a small plastic palm tree. The thing is Aunty BAZ, I’m getting fed up of having my whole existence shaped by the size of my room. Should I give up the art and seek a bit of stability or should I carry on regardless?

Simon Dear Simon, I write this from a medium sized bedroom with bay windows and a Chez Lounge; I share a kitchen with some very friendly immigrants. It’s fine for me, I’m happy. One day I know I will have a large bedroom and possibly even space for a desk.

I say carry on regardless.

Yours hopefully, Aunty BAZ.

BAZ CAMPAIGN:

STOP THE WILD ANIMAL MADNESS BAZ have set up an emergency funds appeal to help pay for the cost of hiring a wild animal hunter to remove the wild beasts currently running rampage in Birmingham ARTISTS studios. Please donate generously by sending a cheque or postal order to BAZ WILD ANIMAL CAMPAIGN, Xanadu, Unit A3, 2 Bowyer Street, Digbeth, Birmingham, B10 0SA. Cash and jewellery also accepted (silver or gold).

THE BAZ OPEN To coincide with the Birmingham open BAZ will be running their own ‘open’ exhibition. The theme for the BAZ ‘open’ this year is:

‘Birmingham Art Heros - Past & Present’ Please take note of the terms and conditions below and send your entry to BAZ OPEN 2010, Xanadu, Unit A3, 2 Bowyer Street, Digbeth, Birmingham, B10 0SA. Please enclose a cheque for 99p made out to BAZ.

Returning submissions: Would you like your submissions to: (a) Be returned? (b) Unceremoniously dumped?

If YES you must supply an appropriate stamped self addressed envelope. Please include good quality sellotape for fastening the package. If NO submissions will be discarded 3 months after the deadline in our septic tank out the back.

General Terms & Conditions 1. Applications must be sent by post – no email submissions will be accepted. If submissions are sent by email we will send the boys round to smash up for your Mac. 2. It is preferable that works be submitted on CD or DVD, but we will also accept slides and photographs. Do not submit ORIGINAL artworks. If you send originals they will be donated to local charity shops with immediate effect.

3. All supporting material in the form of digital media must be Mac compatible. If you are daft enough to continue using a PC and expect to be called an artist, you deserve to be ignored.

4. All supporting material in the form of video (DVD only) must be edited to a maximum of 5 minutes per work. We are interested solely in the documentation of the work, not the work itself. If the DVD exceeds 5 minutes we will watch the work with blindfolds on, fingers in our ears and hum the theme tune from Neighbours.

5. A maximum of 5 works may be submitted per applicant; any more than this and we won’t look at your application - although we will bank your cheque.

6. If you send in work that is truly awful, we will email images of it to everyone on our extensive mailing list. Your name will also be added to a list preventing you from entering any open submission competitions for the next five years.

7. A maximum of 5 pieces of supporting material may be submitted (i.e. 4 images and 1 moving image). If more is submitted we won’t look at your application - although we will bank your cheque.

THE BAZ OPEN 2010

8. Each submitted work must be clearly identified on the Application Form (title, date and time produced, medium, dimensions, scale), including a 100 word statement that must include the following words: critical, engage, reflect, process, dialogue.

9. Each application must be accompanied by a submission fee of £15 sterling (£10 sterling concessions for full-time students with photocopied proof of current student status, ie: NUS card) to be paid by card or cheque. If you are a student though, we won’t actually select your work. We just like to give the impression that we will.

10. Only original and recent works are eligible. We will know instantly if your work is old; we sense these things. We won’t touch it with a barge pole. Old work is bad work.

13. Where return postage & packing has not been supplied, supporting material will be discarded 1 month after the submission deadline in the aforementioned septic tank.

14. The deadline for receiving submissions by post is Christmas Day 2009, 5pm.

15. Please sign the section at the end of the application form to confirm that you agree to the terms and conditions. If you do not agree, then you can’t enter.

Shortlisted Exhibition Terms & Conditions 1. Each selected artist will be responsible for the transportation and in-transit insurance to and from the gallery of their own work.

2. Works included in the exhibition with a value of £5,000 or more cannot be covered by the gallery’s insurance. Unfortunately you are not worth that much.

3. Works offered for sale will be subject to a 50% gallery commission. 40% goes to the guys who go around smashing up Mac’s and you receive a healthy 10%.

4. Selected artists will be notified when we feel the time is right.

5. The selectors’ and prize givers’ decision is final. Obviously.

INSTITUTIONAL CRICKET

Many are unaware that behind the closed doors of Birmingham ART institutions, as show changeovers occur, a vibrant institutional cricket league is flourishing. Whilst the majority of ART lovers in Birmingham assume that when galleries are shut it is because they are installing a new show, the reality is very different. Institutions compete against one another in a fiercely competitive cricket league that involves heavy betting syndicates and occasional kidnappings.

MUCH NEEDED RELIEF For many though, this brings much needed relief from the Institutional Rap War currently raging in Birmingham. Groups and organisations are able to put their differences aside as they enjoy the thrill of leather hitting willow. This cricketing year, as it draws to a close, is possibly one of the best we have seen In Birmingham for a long long time. The competition for top spot continued up until the final over of the season as Margaret Street grasped victory from the jaws of defeat, beating Eastside Projects off the penultimate ball of the match and season.

THRILLING ENCOUNTER BAZ can now exclusively bring you the match report from this thrilling encounter as they were there watching the action take place at Eastside. The match began controversially before a ball had been bowled as Eastside Projects had not removed the tunnel from the Tatham & O’Sullivan show.

The umpires consulted the law books and couldn’t find anything that said tunnels aren’t allowed on cricket pitches.

UNSETTLE MARGARET STREET It was clearly a plan by Wade et al to unsettle Margaret Street. Eastside Projects won the toss and elected to Bat. Opening Batsman R Claxton and G Wade emerged from ‘The Hut’, both exchanging a few hostile words with opening bowler D Cheeseman on the way to the middle. Clearly buoyed at the sight of their unusual pitch, and well practiced in how to play cricket in a tunnel, they appeared full of confidence. Unfortunately for them, Margaret Street had pre-empted the Eastside plan.

THIRD YEAR TUNNEL PROJECT

A rarely seen sight: Wolverhampton Art Gallery during show changeover

Expecting something like this to happen, J Wigley had set a project for all third years to build an exact replica of the tunnel in the Margaret Street gallery space. Margaret Street then had the luxury of practicing in this for the last three weeks. D Cheeseman, master of reverse swing, had developed a surprise delivery which swung to such an extent that it went from one end of the tunnel to the next without touching the sides - swinging an astonishing 4 metres in the process. Reverse swing has always had a mystery attached to it, and this was no different.

Opening batsman Wade and Claxton had no answer to the Cheeseman swing as both were dismissed for ducks in the first over.

Eastside openers Wade & Claxton both went for ducks ENDLESS SUPPLY OF RUNS Fortunately for Eastside, H Blackett and R Kirkham now strode to the crease, both undefeated in seven matches this year, and the tournaments leading run scorers with 487 runs - a real endless supply of runs. After seeing off the Cheeseman swing, they steadied the ship in a partnership of 59 before both been dismissed by a D. Burrows googly. J Langdon contributed with a quick 17, whilst number 11 E Rowe contributed later down the order with several delicate late cuts that tickled away for four. When she was dismissed - running herself out in a real moment of indecision - Eastside had accumulated 117 off their 20 overs. Margaret Street openers J Butler and G Sporton strode to the crease dressed in white, and immediately set about making inroads into the Eastside total.

SPLIT ALLEGIANCES All was going well until Sporton, playing for both teams on account of his split allegiances, tried to do a little bit too much by trying to bowl at himself in bat. Quick although he is, he wasn’t able to make it to his crease in time to defend his own delivery and he was bowled for 27. Butler quickly followed, running himself out. With the two big hitters gone, Margaret Street collapsed to 77 for 9 off 16 overs. J Masding and T Bloor both taking four wickets a piece with their deadly combination of right arm leg spin and left arm off spin. But then in strode S Rice, Margaret Street wicketkeeper and valuable contributor down the order. She was clearly in the mood as she and N Jones put on 37 for the last wicket. S Rice playing an elegant cover drive for four off the penultimate ball of the innings to secure the match and top spot for Margaret Street. Again, as throughout the season, S Rice and N Jones had rescued Margaret Street on more than one occasion with their defiant batting down the order.

THE SPORT SECTION: BRINGING YOU THE VERY BEST OF BIRMINGHAM ARTISTS SPORT!

WATAC! WEST MIDLANDS MOVE UP TO THIRD!

BAZ are delighted to report that WATAC! West Midlands beat WATAC! South East at this months meeting of the WATAC! mixed Cheerleading league. After losing their first three matches of the year, WATAC! West Midlands have now won their last two matches. After thumping WATAC! Wales, WATAC! West Midlands beat WATAC! South East by a resounding majority. WATAC! West Midlands are now third in the national league, level on points with WATAC! London and three points behind Leaders WATAC! North East.

We Are The Arts Council!

FOOTBALL: There was a national ARTISTS football tournament in May that a wild card street ART team won. Birmingham ARTISTS Football has since died a rather lingering death, with the injury situation worsening on a weekly basis. Possibly more to follow.

www.birminghamartzine.co.uk