Baz News 1

BAZ Build it and HS2 will come

nk Think Ta ld r o w t u r e of yo cted A s le u e a c lf e e nd b Your s r you a o f e r e H NEWS

‘In twenty years of being in Birmingham we have never claimed a single penny in expenses from Dudley Arts Council’*

WEST MIDLANDS OF THE WORLD, UNITE AND TAKE OVER.

Councillor Mark Westbrook 0800 IPS IKON (answering machine) mark@bazbirmingham.com Councillor Chris Pooman 0800 ESP BMAG (answering machine) chris@bazbirmingham.com BAZ interns www.bazbazbaz.com @bazbreakingnews

Page 1 Do you own a storage unit full of wood in Quinton? Have you visited the Herbert Gallery 1 at least once? Do you know which Matt to call in an exhibition emergency?2 If you’ve answered yes to any of these, it’s a fair bet that you are an artist based in the West Midlands, if so please read on...

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Imagine a time when there are no more exhibitions about walking. Now imagine just one regional constituency, being run by one self-elected art world representative.3 Now imagine that someone being fully committed to improving the post-industrial wasteland 4 that we call home. 5

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We will release Mark Essen News broke at Westminster last week, that Royal College Undergraduate and ex West Midlander, Mark Essen, was actually living a secret life WITHIN the body of Liverpool MP Andy Burnham.

Suspicions were raised when the Shadow Secretary of State for Health was heard asking questions about pottery facilities on Cove Park residencies during a routine parliamentary questions.

BAZ believe that this confirms that Mark Essen (RCA) is actually trapped inside the body of MP Andy Burnham.

Mark, stay strong. We will vow to release you from inside the body of Andy Burnham (Welcome Trust funding TBC).

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Imagine them running that extra mile6 to deliver curatorial yoga sessions at MAC inbetween VIVID Pothole club screenings.

Imagine them attending every Stryx opening7 without a chaperone. Imagine someone, in short 8, like BAZ.

BAZ will fight to keep the Ikon skip, the most vital art-world resource in the West Midlands, open to all.14

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We will shut down Axisweb This time we mean it.16 We promise to find out who actually looks at your profile page (other than your mum).

Together we (could) be the new Glasgow!13 8. Or in shorts if it helps.

9. Or become as big as Southwark Borough Council, or Hull.

10. IKON 3, 4 & 5 are all currently in production and are rumoured to resemble The Tracey Villa from Thunderbirds.

11. After Plovdiv.

12. Fuck it, let’s DM Kasper Konig as well.

13. Saying this enough times will surely

We will end the MAC / NAGW conflict

No more David Blandy15 I t ’s h a r s h we k n o w, b u t enough’s enough. All planned shows in the West Midlands will be scrapped under a BAZ representative body.

Together, with us controlling your money, We can build a larger cultural quarter.9 We can build a new IKON.10 We can host Manifesta.11 We can retweet Carolyn Christov-Bakargiev.12

1. Coventry.

2. There are currently 34 ‘Matts’ active in the WM artworld, choose wisely.

3. You know the sort.

4. /Shithole.

5. A Ladywood address certainly helps with local council funding.

6. To A3 Project Space for instance.

7. Yes, every one.

We will say NO to IKON wheelie bins

make it happen.

14. Digbeth is full of IKON castoffs. A recent rumour of a Phillida Barlow show sent many Gallery Directors a quiver.

15. David is planning to change his name by deed poll to Andy Blandy. BAZ support this name change. Nice one Andy!

16. We also promise to never mention the term ‘website culling’ at an artists talk ever again.

*apart from when we were got stuck down a mineshaft in Gornal with Richard Billingham.

BAZ PLEDGE We will limit Gavin Wade to 4 tweets a day.

BAZ CAMPAIGN

We will end the MAC / NAGW conflict

BAZ BELIEVE...

Do You

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am?

ingh a Berlin

7

Who walked first? Confusion continues to reign between the region’s two major centres for school based art provision, as both Walsall and MAC stubbornly continued to programme only walking based artists.

Tensions were raised at a Mead Galler y Private View when Ben Waddington arrived flustered, having just broken up a fight between Richard Long and Janet Cardiff on the Hereford and Worcester canal viaduct.1

of 4 miles g in h it w pin to living st bum ’s more ccasionally fi rse.8 e r e th eve st o cou We beli ojects than ju t Station con S r P w e e e Eastsid i Russell on N ’t we b houldn linking s y Nikk h w 9 bout, norail shout a ere be a mo meone be to h c u o th 10 can’t e so m can’t s N? We hav anding? Why rojects? Why tside the IKO ou 3p em rly? more d r Institute to A blossom from eal ale prope r be up the tworld store the Bar to pick d e the ar y lo emp one in y n’t n a ’t n ings do e. th e s Why ca e n th harg ly reaso we’re not in c n o e h T se r Pitt becau d Trevo n a exist, is e g ld chan gs wou ittens. in th f o k ere, lots would have udley.

If we w rts of D a p , y tr : Coven mpton, andidates this a h r e lv c o W w , o ll r fe ham Birming We ask all ou olders tudio h s t n e r r u ?11 ll the c ame a bard Method n u o y om Can of the L .

We can Z vote BA ld u o h s y you at’s wh And th

We believe the growth of walking based art is an attempt to distract us from the shit transport infrastructure in the West Midlands. 2 We vow to fundraise for at least another Art Bus to end this madness. Glen Stoker was unavailable for comment.3

BAZ PROMISE

We will standardise Curator’s shoes4

Haven’t we all just had enough? BAZ will have all curators measured and issued with standard blue suede brogues5

BAZ PETITION

We will lobby for repeat showings of Brum’s 7 Minute appearance on the Culture Show6

BAZ IMMIGRATION

We will Deport Matt Higginbottom from Australia

Jonathan Watkins live in Birmingham

The Brummie Sausage Art craze and rise in pigeon tourism boosted Brum’s economy by more than £4,000.

Higginbottom and mystery lady blatantly laughing at us

BAZ have learnt that the many varied objects, structures, and artworks 12 that Higginbottom built during his stint in the West Midlands were creully designed to fall apart after 3 years.13 Some commentators14 have suggested that it was Higginbottom’s devilish plan to see the West Midlands art-world literally fall apart without him. We believe it was his desperate attempt to become completely indispensible and break into the Birmingham Art World Power 17 15 . We will bring him back to face the music.

We will ensure that no horsemeat is sold at Digbeth Dining Club (unless it’s from

BAZ

improving the quality of food at private views*

BAZ HYGIENE

BAZ HYGIENE

A Lisson Gallery unisex cubicle yesterday. A flatulent artist’s worst nightmare. 17

No More Unisex Toilets We feel that this is a cruel practice that discriminates against the flatulent majority. Who wants to listen to Nathanial Pitt face-timing George Condo whilst washing their hands?16

Just what are they’re doing in there?23 People go in, but never come out. It’s so dark in there. It’s no good dressing up as David Bowie all the time, if all your doing is digging holes in the floor with your stilletos.

And where are the missing Cardiff associates? They were only meant to stay for 10 minutes. They can’t all still be at Fazeley Social can they?24

BAZ want to have a shit and NOT smell West Midlands art fragrances such as Miss Ikon, Valentino Uomo Eau De Friction and Lombard Number 5.

But what shade of grey is the floor?

We will get to the bottom of this we can assure you.

We will ban students from entering New Contemporaries. Last year BAZ revealed18 that the selection process was largely based upon the floorboards visible in the background of photos sent in by students, ruthlessly favouring London based art school floorboards.19 BAZ believe the only way to eradicate this practice is to ban all students from entering the UK’s second best student open submission competition. In the interim all students will only be eligable to apply for New Art West Midlands.20

BAZ CRECHE - UPDATE

How can a regional art scene be expected to expand if everyone starts having children?21

We will regulate VIVID’s Pothole Club The missing Cardiff associates before entering VIVID, now presumed to be tunneling to Bristol.

BAZ believe that good quality separate toilet facilities are a basic right for all artists and will freeze the finances of National Portfolio Organisations until they sort their toilets out.

New Contemptibles?

BAZ AND SAFETY

The creche would function, to all intents and purposeses, like the upstairs room at The Old Moseley Arms.

B A Z d e m a n d m o re i n f a n t re a d y workspace, crayons at every Turning Po i n t m e e t i n g, J u n e a u Pr o j e c t s workshops as standard and free Gavin Wade playmats for the under fives.22 BAZ will also distribute 10,000 free Sajid Javid condoms every Digbeth First Friday (Arts Council funding TBC) to control the baby boom.

s it’s from Frankley’s Fillies Meats – every second Friday, delicious with tahini)

BAZ APOLOGY Please send your faulty Sajid Javid eggcups back to Arts Council England (c/o Deutschebank).

BAZ CLARIFICATION 1. It was unsure who won but a publication documenting the event will shortly be available from BMAG tearooms.

2. It’s either that or a rather literal response to the Council’s healthy living agenda.

3. But was seen waving frantically from the middle of the M6 toll road during a Central News traffic update.

4. Socks, sandals and espadrilles.

5. Easier to spot in toilet cubicles.

6. In 2011 Michael Smith drawled around Digbeth prompting an outbreak of imitation northern accents in the Highgate area.

7. If so join us, the canal’s lovely.

8. Though if we’re honest this is a highlight.

9. And scream.

10. Actually we checked this and there is.

11. Rudolph, Dasher, Dancer, Prancer, Vixen, Comet, Cupid, Dunder and Blixem.

12. And all Heather and Ivan Morison party packs of seaweed and shingle crisps.

13. A kind of ‘planned obsolescence’, without the replacement product.

14. Matt North.

15. Matt secretly developed a star shaped pozi drive bit to secure all his fixings. Only he has the necessary screwdriver to undo many wall fixings, hence the current plethora of ‘black-out’ shows at Grand Union.

16. Messy.

17. Especially if there’s a queue outside.

18. Well, we told someone in a pub.

19. Sacha Craddock apparently has a swatch card of shades and colours.

20. And will be enrolled on to short courses at BCU 21. Serious question.

22. We have no idea what these are but they sound fun.

23. Actually we’d rather not know.

24. Though they probably are.

*by bringing our own.

BAZ More cultural quarters for more cultural courters

What type of Simon or Tom are you?

Which side of the Bloor fence do you sit?

Ronnie Bloor Simon O’Sullivan-Bloor

Tom O’Sullivan-Bloor

David Essex-Bloor

Bloor Dog

Compo Bloor

Tom Dychoff-Bloor

Tom Bloor

Simon Bloor

Next time

We will reveal the email addresses of the 17 most powerful people in the Birmingham Art World

for the first 1000 artists /art organisations who make cash donations of over £100 to BAZ. Please Note: There are only a 1000 of these websites available.

Although in the meantime you could benefit from one of our generous reader offers. We are launching an exclusive BAZ donors scheme with an offer of a FREE artists website, or (preferably) a wordpress blog (sample artwork can also be provided.)

Leave your money (cash only) with one of our interns at the GU drinks hatch. Cheryl will then pass on your details to Robin and the team. Just email: robin.gherkin@anendlesssurprise. co.uk Subject line: Mega LULZ

We will end all IKON street art campaigns Flyposters of Stuart Tulloch have blighted neighbourhoods in the Black Country for too long now. If you see any let BAZ know and we’ll send a Grand Union volunteer to peel it off.

Can you name every Lombard Method studio holder?

TELL BAZ

Unit 15 Minerva Works Fazeley St Birmingham B5 5RS

Expertly designed by long time BAZ fans An Endless Surprise, these websites will help you blend in to a range of art scenes and cliques, and may even get you a residency at Wysing.

Generous Robin and the boys have offered to build a free website (or blog)

URBAN BAZ

BAZ are currently entirely self funded. See www.bazbazbaz.com for more of our policies