Road trip book best

‘He who lives in the West Midlands, gets rid of the pain of being a man’ Do not read this book from beginning to end. The pages contain

CHOOSE YOUR OWN ROAD TRIP YOU’RE THE HERO OF THE STORY! CHOOSE FROM 40 POSSIBLE ENDINGS

Fear and Loathing in the West Midlands Chris Poolman

#1 The Proposal You are an artist and you have teamed up with a writer you barely know to make an application for a road trip commission around the West Midlands. The brief is as follows: Turning Point West Midlands and Writing West Midlands are delighted to announce this unique commission for a visual artist and creative writer working together. The commission will fund a visual artist and a creative writing to undertake a road trip in the West Midlands and to produce art work (visual art / creative writing) in response to this experience.

We are asking that a record of the journey is made, treating it as a road trip and conveying some of the chance encounters, the thoughts, the conversations, and the moving through the landscapes. We would like some permanent record of the journey; moving image, audio, broadcast, writing or photography, as well as public interaction through a blog, facebook and/or twitter. Other visual art and creative writing work might be produced, although these would need to be completed within the overall time period for the commission. There may be opportunities for work produced to be exhibited or shared following the project.

The journey can be made by whatever means the artist and the writer wish to use: by car, by public transport, by canal, by bicycle or by foot or by a combination of means. Turning Point West Midlands and Writing West Midlands, in addition to funding will help promote the project and the artist

Two of the better ones are below:

Proposal A: Our Round Taking inspiration from four CAMRA West Midlands Beer Guides, the trip will explore West Midlands drinking culture in the 21st century, in the eventual hope of discovering whether alcohol is a pre-requisite for living in the West Midlands. The Beer Guides that we will use are Herefordshire CAMRA Guide 2010, Birmingham CAMRA Guide 2011, Worcestershire CAMRA statement of good spiritedness, all of the commission money will be spent on show that the arts aren’t distant, peripheral and unimportant to everyday people’s lives, but relevant and necessary. The arts, we believe, when combined with alcohol, can have a real and direct impact upon those less well of than us.

Proposal B: A Search for the West Midlands Dream Taking inspiration from four great American literary journeys examining the “American Dream”, this trip will explore the identity of the West Midlands in the 21st century in the eventual hope of discovering “the West Midlands Dream”. The novels we will use are Blue Highways by William Least Heat Wrath by John Steinbeck (1939) and Fear and Loathing in Las Vegas by Hunter S. Thompson (1972). We have allocated equivalents inside the West Midlands that will allow us to follow these literary journeys and explore the same ideas. The mapping of American locations onto comparable locations in the West Midlands produces unlikely, peculiar and at times highly comical analogies.

If

#2 Pork Research Well done! You have decided to wholeheartedly embrace the idea of WMD and now need to assemble your suitcase of substances. You take snack available on the market. Within mainstream circulation, you and pork crunch. This unhealthy pork triplet will form the bedrock pokey, if less salty, substances. You have allocated a day to round up the materials.*

materials for the task in hand: your cherished artwork that all too

You remember a proverb a wise man once told you and it’s worth

you go with proposal B go to 4

Unfortunately the application isn’t successful.

news of the result.

of Chinese water torture is a necessary step for the continuation of the arts in

>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>> >>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>> END >>>>>>

water torture is a necessary step for the continuation of the arts in the UK. Approved at the highest level of the Arts Council, this publicly engaged form of Chinese

ear - for the rest of your life. * ou do it as a matter of routine: 100 times a day, every day, every week, every month, every y the time the news is announced you have become so used to visiting the website that

he Turning Point website 100 times daily for news of the result. elieving that the decision on the commission may be announced prematurely, you check

Application writing is a cruel sport invented by people on salaries.

Unfortunately the application isn’t successful.

>>

y

k

West Midlands Dream. They say in some circles, that it will take you

The authorities interpret this as a potentially incendiary combination

#r fe H

#r bu K

Blackmarket Know your pork crackle head. You will not be able to see his eyes because of tea shades, but his knuckles will be white from inner tension and his pants will be crusted with salt #roadtripwestmidlands #crustysaltpants He will stagger and babble when questioned. He will smell of cheap pork. The crackle head fears nothing. He will attack, for no reason, with every weapon at his command. BEWARE #roadtripwestmidlands #cheapmeatviolence

payer over three billion each year.

manufactured from the blood of local musicians who donate market days.

roadtripwestmidlands #cheapmeatviolence ears nothing. He will attack, for no reason, with every weapon at his command. BEWARE He will stagger and babble when questioned. He will smell of cheap pork. The crackle head

roadtripwestmidlands #crustysaltpants ut his knuckles will be white from inner tension and his pants will be crusted with salt Know your pork crackle head. You will not be able to see his eyes because of tea shades,

according to the whims of Mohammed Latif. What a fool I was to defy him. He knew it. He knew all along #roadtripwestmidlands #mohammedknows

*S

You'd better take care of me, Mohammed Latif. Because if you don't I’m going to stop buying tat from your store #roadtripwestmidlands #latifsisshit

is tio a To

1 4 Ba En Po Po Po C

You couldn’t the pork snacks anywhere in the Muslim run store, West Midlands Dream.locate *

Yo

he founding father of Latifs. For Mr Latif, back in the 1970s, opening a superstore was the an tanding on the travelator at Latifs, you look up at the large picture of Mohammed Latif,Bu they really are.

rant. Mohammed knows about your grant - and you can’t resist him. br atifs - Birmingham’s Biggest Bargain Superstore - even if you’ve got a large Arts Council th f Mohammed Latif. When sourcing materials, any self-respecting artist always begins atTh ut the pull is too much. In the West Midlands, all energy flows according to the whims m ng tat from your store #roadtripwestmidlands #latifsisshit pl ou’d better take care of me, Mohammed Latif. Because if you don’t I’m going to stop buycl Yo westmidlands #mohammedknows Mohammed Latif. What a fool I was to defy him. He knew it. He knew all along #roadtrip ac Well, I thought. This is how the world works. All energy flows according to the whims ofYo

Star City (note: the examination is also sponsored by Star City)

the West Midlands Dream? * on that confuses all newly arrived immigrants on the West Midlands Citizen Test: What suitcase full of this stuff. In the correct combinations you will be able to answer the ques ogether, these materials made up a dangerous new substance called WMD - and you hav

lb Groaty Dick Faggots Morrisons. alti Sauce 543 ml The nutters were few and far between today, and you have made it back in one382 piece. ngine Oil (vintage; Austin) ml ork Scratching 7 oz ork Crunch 114 grams ork Crackle 71 grams Coal 2lb Coal 2lb

ou now have the following:

nd e you have made it back in one piece. ut congratulations on surviving Morrisons. The nutters were few and far between today,

rought you up to assemble shopping baskets such as this. hat l it was the sort of thing they wouldn’t have allowed in Waitrose. Your mum hadn’t The fear passes, to be replaced by a feeling of deep shame. Deep in your heart, you know

meat? le around you are looking at your basket. Why all those scratchings? Why all that cheap lash - of artistic ideas comes into conflict with real world shopping. You wonder if the peoou experience that heightened sense of self-consciousness that artists often get when thei

pcquiring most of your materials, you look down at your heart-attack-in-a-basket. ou head up towards Morrisons supermarket near the Blues ground. After successfully

approve of in the studio.* * Rotter

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* Fierce Festival.

ou take out your two preparatory lists and inspect them: Herefordshire.

ou have a dilemma: should you pack waterproofs or pork scratchings?

ode their recycling. venomous breed, up there with publicans who close before 11 and people who colour be. wood - you have been deeply suspicious of British weather forecasters. You consider them ey had ruined your seventh birthday bash - a Wind in the Willows themed party in a ut you are also hostile to weather forecasters. Ever since your fifth year, when John Ket-

now directly over your campsite to be. deeply suspicious of British weather forecasters. You consider them venomous breed, up there with whointern close /before 11 and forecast bout theapost-newsnight weather report inpublicans which a BBC sixth-former ou are worried. The authors name - ‘Least Heat’ - was ominous. You are also concerned

You have a dilemma: you pack waterproofs pork uintessential English village inshould Staffordshire, Shropshire and or Herefordshire. own, we will drive by small roads - avoiding motorways and A-roads - as we search for th ecreating Moon’s trip via American B-roads in search of the perfect American small You take out your two preparatory lists and inspect them: The journey will begin with an adaption of Blue Highways by William Least Heat Moon.

is day one and you are reading over your original application:

Fierce Festival.

exts, it might even be performance art.* Of course rugby tackling Bob Hockenhall live on TV is a good idea. Within certain con-

Waterproofs Matches Map Tent Spare shoes

Spare clothes Matches

Pork Crunch Pork Crackle Coal Ruby Mild Motor Oil Balti Vindaloo Sauce

* Essentially a list that

Prepare tweets

Scouts.

How does the video camera to 12 * Essentially a list that school.

This was a hotspot of rudeness and you feel like a reporter on The on.

heavy.

oil.

You arrive in Droitwich at 9.21 with heartburn and breath one

We spent last night rounding up materials and looking at hire car prices. Then we ate some coal and went swimming in the Grand Union canal. I may have swallowed something I shouldn’t of #roadtripwestmidlands #johnnyingob

Greggs, then drove slowly across town onto the smog-shrouded A38, heading north in a classic West Midlands car #roadtripwestmidlands #lovegreggsforbreakfast Man, Get your kicks, on the M6 #roadtripwestmidlands Getting hold of the substances had been no problem, but the hire car was not an not easy thing to get at 8:00 am without the tatty paper bit of your license #roadtripwestmidlands #jobsworths

there really a curry house outside Droitwich train station or was the you.

And suddenly there was a terrible roar all around us and the sky was screeching and diving around the car, which was going about 45 miles an hour to Stoke #roadtripwestmidlands

poor bastard will see them soon enough #roadtripwestmidlands #carlchinnhell

the grass. ‘We can’t stop here’ I yelled, ‘This is Carl Chinn country!’ #roadstripwestmidlands

police.

convention.

You eat some more coal but it remains an old iron ore works. You leave and head towards Hereford.

The only thing that really worried me were the faggots. There is nothing in the world more helpless and depraved than a man in the pretty soon #roadtripwestmidlands

from Hereford to Hay. *

reasons: 1. The unfriendly weather.

a paper / litter trail in the wind.

You have just met the campsite attendant / Steve Irwin. He tells you that in Brecon they have a Zulu museum. They have spears there he says. Real spears.

#12 Common Sense still have common sense.

decent shoes or a hat, but you do have a suitcase full of pork crunch

A sensible Charlie. one.

Go back and don’t come here again.

At the campsite pub, a short stout lady pours you a pint of spluttery ale.*

She didn’t seem the sort of person to contest a badly poured pint with

Midlands dream isn’t here, because we’re in Wales.’

your eye. You had made a mental note that you would never camp in Wales.

‘Some say the only good things coming out of Wales are the roads; others say

You break into the Zulu museum and steal a spear. policeman’s helmet outside a club called Primitive.

in a jail in Brecon.* * Despite your protestations that you have an MA in Fine Art.

#19 Ikon Birthday Card

hope that it will help.* * It never does.

some sort of animal track.

imprint.

have overdone it on the pork crackle: the van is called The Yakmobile

Do you approach The Yakmobile and ask him about the West Midlands

the groaty dick was running strong. Good groaty dick comes on slow #roadtripwestmidlands

hour, you start cursing because nothing's happening. And then ZANG!

impersonation of strawberry syrup.

You are asked to leave.

#22 Come On If You Think You’re Bard

They then announce last orders. This is a cruel and evil trick and you

Unsteady on your feet, you make your way to the pub twenty yards

You are convinced that your chilled bones are a delusion caused by the river’s intentions, the deaf children’s parents are clearly more suspicious of you. They usher their children away from the man in the snow with only a pair of balti stained pants on.

your body temperature. *

the wider artistic community.* Art Monthly cancel your subscription and ask for the last two years Art Monthly for life, and forced to buy Art Review under cover of darkness.

Mississippi Solo is a record of a canoe journey along the length of the will use a canoe trip along the River Wye from Wales into the West Midlands

You walk to the campsite pub for breakfast. On arrival the breakfast

whole trip. On the way back to the tent you bump into Steve Irwin

You discounted this as a man who sleeps with crocodiles probably his waterproofs.

years for commissions like this.* *

You are escorted into a back room in the pub. The landlady strips you and imitation wooly jumper.

* And locked away when the literary festival occurs.

er Yo

th th co O

a love child, who confused, runs away to Havana to seek Cuban

called Edna and they adopt a French orphan called Steve.

The dream is interrupted when you have a moment of doubt over your

rs strike turning out differently to how it did.* ou return home, eat some coal and get into your sleeping bag to dream of the 1984 Min-

he PGL drink endless tequilas and lick salt off one another’s necks. hought of a night out on amphetamines in Brecon scares you. You end the night watching ome back to ours because it’s private’. You are quite happy with this situation, as the One of the PGL turns to you and announces (without a question to prompt) ‘You can’t

pursuit.*

have obviously just arrived as they are covered in what looks like

send a tweet but there is still no reception: How many books does one town need? Does anyone ever go out? #roadtripwestmidlands

four.*

previous occupiers left.

One of the things you learn from years of dealing with pork scratching addicts, is that you can turn your back on a person, but never turn your back on a pork scratching #roadtripwestmidlands #scratchingviolence

it resembles a pork thing #roadtripwestmidlands #scratchingaddiction

Crumpled Slim. *

You travel the two miles to Hay. You feel cold, and are fairly certain

Was I just roaming around Hay-on-Wye in a scratching frenzy of some kind, or had I really come to the West Midlands to work on a story? #roadtripwestmidlands This is not a good town for a deep fried pork concoction. Reality itself is too twisted #roadtripwestmidlands

Western.*

A Fistful of Faggots For a Few Faggots More The Good, the Bad and The Dudley Yes you think, the history of cinema has really missed out here. You

take. It was too reckless, too wild. You have a decision to make.

What kind of pork snack addict would need all this extra salt packets and packets of it. Would the presence of crackle heads #roadtripwestmidlands #dirtyfoodabuse And these pants smeared with engine oil that had dried to a hard black crust? #roadtripwestmidlands You have eaten all the faggots, three bags of pork crackle and downed most of the vindaloo sauce. The tent is litter strewn.

These were not the hoofprints of your average God-fearing pork snack addict. It was too savage. Too aggressive #roadtripwestmidlands

throw small pieces of hot coal at them. This only incites them further

* moralistic lesson in here somewhere.

your behalf.

wet, dark and fetid. They were surrounded by litter.

that he may have found the secret stash of pork crunch you’ve hidden in one

another barrow of wood down.’

months and book out most of the teepees.’

pub.

you have no paper. You decide to use all of the local papers you have collected for research purposes.*

tent you have to crawl on all fours.

company forces you to up and leave the bus stop.

You miss the bus to Hereford and have to wait another two hours.

provides warmth.

* And this really was your reply.

found it.’

They ask you to join them for a drink.

they came here.

smoke.

shop costumes.

* Yes, for some.

In some circles, local buses are a far better thing than trains, cars, canoes and planes all rolled into one. Local buses attract a very special breed #roadtripwestmidlands

especially after Road Trip commissions became popular. * Arts Council.

Those of us that had been up all night were in no mood for #roadtripwestmidlands to celebrate in style #roadtripwestmidlands #artcareerhighlights

How long can we maintain? I wonder. How long before one of us starts raving and jabbering at this bus driver? What will he think then? #roadtripwestmidlands

All these horrible realities began to dawn on me. There we were. Alone in Herefordshire completely twisted on WMD, no cash, no story for Turning Point #roadtripwestmidlands Jesus, bad waves of paranoia, madness, fear and loathing - intolerable vibrations in this place. Get out. Some more miners are getting on and they have i-phones #roadtripwestmidlands

Herefordshire. But you are wise to run. You catch a bus elsewhere in Redditch in the early 90s was a very special time and place to be a part of. Maybe it meant something #roadtripwestmidlands #specialredditch

However, you ended up here, its bad news. Whether you went with

account.

with the miners. Somehow you up end up in Stratford.

#50 The Next Day

wonder if you have been electrocuted. * * You discount this moment of fear on the basis that the torch is battery powered.

another. And a third.

You read the application: ‘The third part of the journey will begin in Hay-on-Wye and re-enact for us Solihull) where people go when they have made it in life. This leg of the journey will become a meditation upon the transition from countryside Warwickshire’s local bus network over the course of one day.’

push him further.

You wait for the bus in Hay. An old man comes up to you and starts

Faggots are the perfect substance for Herefordshire. In this county Meat. Will they eat us? Is cannibalism still legal in Herefordshire? #roadtripwestmidlands #herefordshirecannibalism

Direct. Perhaps because of the coal, you stand up on the bus seat and Hey honkies. You folks wanna buy some pork crackle? Goddamnit, I’m serious. All I’m trying to sell you is some pure pork crackle! #thingsyoushouldntsayinherefordshire

This is the West Midlands Dream in action. We'd be fools not to ride these six bus journeys all the way to Solihull! #roadtripwestmidlands Despite been in the West Midlands you feel homesick for the West

* These are the prosaic dilemmas of a West Midlands road trip.

chicken huts and tinted cars towards the promised land of Solihull, the California of the West Midlands. As you drive, you realise that you

You have kept in check with reality. Solihull is not America. As you are suspicion.

Seven hours on that goddamn bus! But when I woke up it was dawn and here I was in downtown Solihull and for a minute I didn't know what the hell I was doin' here. All I could think was 'O, Jesus, why was I in Solihull? #roadtripwestmidlands

television isn’t back on the wall yet. *

You stand up and deliver a version of Bat out of Solihell. The crowd

you are led into a small room in the back of the pub.

* For eternity.

The curry house owner’s intentions are honest. He appreciates your money you have spent. You leave the restaurant, full of joy in your heart for Solihull.

you’ve eaten for days is fried rind and raw meat.

The TV news was about The Bullring opening 24 hours a security guards babbling nonsense #roadtripwestmidlands # birminghamshoppingcarnage Back at the Bed and Breakfast you watch several episodes of Sun, Sea Suspicious Parents.

There is no place for cynicism in this story. Please put the book down * Or look at the picture for several hours. Concentrate.

number. *

on Touchwood’.

recommendation.

Curry. The restaurant obviously wanted to appeal to all tastes and football denominations.

You ask the restaurant owner what he thinks the West Midlands Dream

well timed as you are about to tip.

You have a decision to make.

Spectator by now.* * What happens to you after you have read The Emancipated Spectator.

bus timetables, all covered with scribbled notes #roadtripwestmidlands

melancholia.*

for the hyper-real tourist nightmare of Stratford-upon-Avon to seek the West

in the corner.

Suddenly you remember that Wired PR have sorted out an invaluable

Avon Every now and then when your life gets complicated and the weasels start closing in, the only real cure is to load up on fried pork goods and then drive within the speed limit from Solihull to Stratford-upon-Avon #roadtripwestmidlands To relax, as it were, in the womb of the Warwickshire countryside. Just roll the roof back and screw it on, grease the face with white tanning butter and move out with the music at top volume, and at least a pint of Austin Engine Oil (Vintage) #roadtripwestmidlands Total control now. Tooling along the old Birmingham Road to Stratford. Two grown men in a cinque cento #roadtripwestmidlands [driving the rusty cinque cento] Now this was a superior machine.

The rear windows didn’t shut and the dashboard was full of dried apple cores and cheap plastic animals stuck down with blu tac #roadtripwestmidlands You didn’t understand the collection of dried apple cores, and you still didn’t as you park in one of Stratford’s many car parks. You have no

On the buses for American art project Two friends have taken a trip to the borough via bus to recreate a famous journey from a classic novel.

* The breakup of The Cassocks was inevitable after one member broke another

out are a man with a Solar panel business called The Solar Bear and an

Mr Solar Bear nodded and went back his beans.

Hallelujah! The Midland Red old man aside, this was the most relevant

old buses. The others politely nod and return to the functional cooked

have in Solihull.’ *

Few people understand the psychology of dealing with a Stratford parking attendant. A normal citizen will panic and and plead their innocence. This is wrong. It arouses contempt in the parking attendant heart. Make the bastard chase you. He will follow. But he won't know what to make of you going into a pub #roadtripwestmidlands #fooltheparkingbastards

ticket.*

perform Easter carols.

later.

No sympathy for the devil; keep that in mind. Buy the ticket, take the ride...and if it gets a little heavier than what you had in mind, well... freak out: you are listening to the history of Stratford-upon-Avon #roadtripwestmidlands Who are these people, these faces? Where do they come from? They look like caricatures of tourists. Sweet Jesus, they are tourists! #roadtripwestmidlands

for life and you become a local celebrity. take you home.

from the start, with a crowd that was convened for the stated purpose

The possibility of physical and mental collapse is now very real. Buy the Stratford Tour ticket, take the ride #roadtripwestmidlands Avon tour bus, you take a seat at the back of the bus. Down on the

Stratford’.

Dream is.’

This is one of the hallmarks of Stratford hospitality. The only bedrock

The crowd turn to you. They can smell the contemporary art on you and they don’t like it.

*

* them removed so you can sit down. Or maybe you have to pay to sit on the

the French.’ The bus stops.

have no need for substances in a place like this.

Shop.

Wand’.

We are all wired into a survival trip now. No more of the speed that around the uk selling ‘christmas every day’ without ever giving a thought to the grim meat-hook realities that were lying in wait for all the people who took them seriously...#brainwashingslade

stratford at the nutcracker christmas shop.* christmas day when everyone else is at home.

outside the RSC. He perks up when you tell him about the local

There were only four roads back to Birmingham - the M40, A435,

onto the Hollywood Freeway, and straight on into frantic oblivion.

Safety. Obscurity. Just another West Midlander in the West Midlander kingdom #roadtripwestmidlands #getthehelloutofhere

dull empty eyes, he says that in some countries they don’t celebrate Christmas.

dinner.

‘He who lives in the West Midlands, gets rid of the pain of being a man’ Do not read this book from beginning to end. The pages contain

CHOOSE YOUR OWN ROAD TRIP YOU’RE THE HERO OF THE STORY! CHOOSE FROM 40 POSSIBLE ENDINGS

Fear and Loathing in the West Midlands Chris Poolman