TAKE LONDON ‘For Spike! For Brum! We march as Juan!54 You may take our funding but you will never take our better quality of life and increased life expectancy!’55
Art-world think-tank BAZ chart the growth of regional art scene hooligan firms and their ambitious attempt to ‘Take London’.
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AZ interns1 2 have acquired alarming documents3 that uncover the meteoric rise in regional artist-led hooligan firms. These so called ‘Associate Armies’ began to form in the early 2000’s as artist-led organisations realised the power of professional development associate schemes to radicalise and breed a generation of volunteers happy to not only drink out of date Stella, but sell it to other people as well.4 Scores of unsuspecting gallery goers5 have been suckered in to joining these so called ‘Tatham O’Sullivan’ pyramid investment schemes, often lured by the lavish lifestyles being rather too consciously displayed by the well dressed and
Art Firm Battle Cry recently heard outside a private view at Seventeen Gallery
1 Steve and Sue, BAZ Interns
2012/13, Collaborators and 3rd year BA Fine Art Students, Dissertation title: How Tracey Emin Shaped New Labour. 2 Poor admin skills , but will work for two Mars bars and half a Parkett a week. 3
Soiled but legible.
4
Whilst smiling.
5 Often only looking for the toilets.
over vitamined gallery staff during sneaky glances through the fetishized back-stage6 office areas that litter artist-led spaces.7 8 Often obscured behind shiny Mac laptops, engrossed in writing something really important or just eating a bowl of peach and rosemary cous cous, these gallery staff9 represented the life of idle posturing that many art graduates desired.10 However, once they had exchanged direct debit details, they were in. There was no way out11 and so they had to fight.12 The First Skirmishes and Early Fights As the numbers joining associate schemes rocketed, an increased sense of competition amongst ‘associateers’13 grew14. Frustrated by a lack of access to debonair gallery directors and poor placement at after show meals15, many felt they were limited by what was perceived to be a glass ceiling16 and soon individuals adopted more desperate measures to gain attention. Fights with rival artist-led firms were arranged on private view nights17 and rivalry between firms was playing havoc with regional Turning Point steering group meetings.18 Screenings and talks programmes with curators were routinely ambushed by unanswerable open-ended rhetorical questions on Jean-Luc Nancy, CV workshop leaders struggled to control open discussions on curatorial sexual habits19 and networks of studio protection rackets emerged across the country. The dark days had returned to the art world20 and this time they were going to last longer than a LUX screening.21 This was a savvy generation of bright shirted, iPad weilding youngsters who gleefully ignored the knowledge passed down by their art scene elders.22 Not afraid of getting their hands dirty, they had access to photocopiers, knew how to bi fold A3 flyers and crucially, could make the hashtag key appear on a Mac. Nothing, not even the Turner Prize coming to Walsall23 could stop them.
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6 Yet still highly visible. 7 Like stacks Variants.
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8 A recent government report revealed that many of the immaculate magazine files found in artist-led gallery offices actually only contained an old bank statement from an ex director, a corkscrew and a pair of Mike Nelson’s pants. 9 Usually separable into three distinct categories: beautiful, intelligent very young women; thin, asymmetrical vest wearing cyclists and potbellied middle-aged men. 10 And were prepared to pay £15 a week for. 11 As part of BAZ’s investigation one ex firm member revealed how he was asked to make a series of screen-prints using only his sort code and bank account number as inspiration. These were then sold off at an art fair in Austria as a limited edition Keith Tyson copy, with the money being used to buy a new juicer for the directors. 12 As well as feign a taste for olives. 13 Individual schemes would often be given some sort of patronising moniker such as Fresh Faced Fine Arters or Contemporary Art Cousins. 14 The Spike Island Riot in 2009 was a particular watershed moment when 104 Associate members turned up to set up the PowerPoint for an Ed Atkins lecture.
15 One ex firm member recalled having to eat leftover poppadum’s whilst guarding Dan Graham’s car. 16 Or it could have been an unwanted Liam Gillick (no one was sure). 17 So violent were these sqirmishes that a particular battle between the Worcester Wattlers and the Outpost Army was mistaken by many as the opening performance of Fierce Festival and roundly applauded despite several geese being injured. 18 Although fighting and offering unsubtle verbal critiques of other firm’s logo designs made many associateers feel that they were getting their money’s worth from the schemes. It was also the most physical exercise many had had since school. East Midlands Firms were actually praised in a local council report as being instrumental in lowering obesity in the creative sector in Leicester. 19 Different to most. 20 Remember that Sean Scully retrospective? 21 Or a Gustav Maggonozi endurance piece (approximately 2 weeks). 22 Identifiable by the fact that they know that there really was an artist called Matthew Tickle. 23 It is isn’t it?
The Worcester24 Wattlers (WW)
Transmission Art Firm (The TAF)
Origins: Worcester and Hereford Live Art and Cattle Association25 Dress code: Urbane country. Think Bargain Hunt meets Gok Wan Vehicle: Milk float Intellectual parameters: Modern Painters Signature trait: Blocking gallery fire escape with wattle and daub and slowly filling room with slurry Biggest scalp: Blocking the exit to a 14 hour Lux screening, trapping 5 members of the Outpost Army inside. These two rural firms are now sworn enemies Largest faux pas: Blocking themselves in as well Local terminology: Sheep dog whistles Graphic design: Tom from The Archers
Origins: Ex-Transmission Art Committee Survivors Youthgroup (EXTRASY) Dress code: Luminous string vest and pants, no socks, can of Monster Vehicle: Stolen portable scaffold tower from the CCA Intellectual parameters: Alasdair Gray Signature trait: Eating a fried copy of Art Monthly from a Douglas Gordon sock28 Biggest scalp: Forcing Alan Yentob to wear trainers whilst walking round GOMA Largest faux pas: Nominating the Common Guild for Sarah Beeny’s new property series (it won) Local terminology: ‘Miif-Milf ’29 Graphic design: Terry’s Tartan Titties30
Bristol Spikers Firm (The BSF)
The B-Nam Gang
Origins: The 2nd Spike Island Riot of 2010 Dress code: Skinny fit wax jackets Vehicle: Homemade coracle Intellectual parameters: Nina Power Signature trait: A giant floating turd with a small pirate flag is left in the toilet of another large public institution26 Biggest scalp: Doing the above in eight galleries during Glasgow International 2010 Largest faux pas: Face bombing the Turner Prize ceremony but being mistaken for Spartacus Chetwynd Local terminology: ‘Sailing a Matthew up the Mud Dock’ (see signature trait) Graphic design: Brizzle Nipples
Origins: Eastside Projects ‘You’re not too special to discuss Derrida’ dance-off31 Dress code: Green chinos Vehicle: Ruth Claxton’s fleet of people carriers Intellectual parameters: A plenary discussion from a Maria Lind talk is normally the limit Signature trait: Defacing (upcycling) other galleries publicity material with day glo marker pens Biggest scalp: Keeping Rhys Coren out of the West Midlands for three years Largest faux pas: Letting him back in Local terminology: ‘Gone for a Gillick’32 ‘Its all gone a little bit Mirosław Balka!’33 Graphic design: Steve and Tim Bloor
The Outpost Army
Cornerhouse Crew (CC)
Origins: The Arts Council ‘Be a Scarecrow for Culture’ Scheme Dress code: No clothes Vehicle: Rescue pony Intellectual parametres: Badiou (in German) Signature trait: Scalping (and an over reliance on homebrewed barley wine) Biggest scalp: Hans Ulrich Obrist (2006 version 2.0 Snow tiger upgrade) Largest faux pas: 4 years in HMP Norwich for the above Local terminology: Huo Ar - Huo Ar Huo Ar- Huo Ar (sung to the tune of Laurie Anderson ‘O Superman’)27 Graphic design: Y Marx the Bottie shop
Origins: Unknown, but probably Liverpool Dress code: Vintage mountaineering gear Vehicle: Grizedale’s knackered rent-a-van Intellectual parameters: Any mention of Beatrix Ruff ’s handbag sends panic through crits Signature trait: The Manchester Necktie.34 Biggest scalp: Halting the live feed on a Cezary Bodzianowski interview at Spike Island by covering the wiring in fish paste and releasing an otter into the building Largest faux pas: £5000 fine for buying an otter on a stolen Alex Farquharson credit card Local terminology: ‘Do the Quaife Can’35 ‘Quaifed’36 Graphic design: Hooters
The Cross Rail Buffet Gallery After years of heavy fighting37 in early 2012 a number of the regional artist-led firms decided to call a truce. Radicalised by regional Arts Council cuts,38 firms put aside bitter rivalries to discuss revelations that Emma Superspeedbroadbandconnection39 had tweeted detailing how funding destined for the regions had been secretly syphoned off by London trendsetters.40 It had became clear that over the last two years, London based artists had been buying second studios in downtrodden regional cities so they could become eligible for money from the government’s Provincial International Finance for Perplexing Art Fund (PIF PAF) scheme.41 Funds were then being saved to build a new artist-led project space within the buffet car of the new Cross Rail thing that everyone in London would always mention but never explain. This ambitious project involved not only a gallery, second space, screening room, bookshop and international residency programme42 but also a number of other desirable artist-led43 features such as: a Congolese-Falklands Islands fusion restaurant specialising in organic street rat food; an Ethiopian salad bar (Highly Saladase); bookable fair-trade Pétanque court; kindle reading area; 30 seat cinema focusing on pre1920s Maldivian silent film; French - Canadian coffee shop and charcuterie.44 Whilst there is nothing inherently wrong in any of this,45 the regional art scenes took umbrage that money set aside for them was being used in this way.46 Outraged, the Regional Art Firms knew they had to work together47 if they were to get their funding back. A training camp in the Malvern Hills48 was hastily covened in order to prepare for the mission that would become known as ‘Take London’.49
Artist’s impression of The Cross Rail Buffet Gallery (leg for sale)
The Provincial International Finance for Perplexing Art Fund (PIF PAF) (the source of funds fraudulently acquired by London Artists) was recently cut in favour of building more wind farms in Birmingham parkland (above)
24 Pronounced ‘Woo-Stah’.
30 And tattoos.
25 Although recent allegiance has been with the Powick NuConceptualists.
31 Aka: The crit that broke the camel’s back.
26 At which point a photo is taken and made in to a series of badges. 27 A celebratory song announcing a full moon or Lynda Morris downing a vodka Red Bull. 28 Originally sold as an edition of 50 from his first solo show at Mono. 29 Modern Institute Intern Favourite - a term of rebuke for someone who sleeps with a Modern Institute Intern to get added to the after show meal/ holiday in Barbados.
32 Slang for taking a shit to Classic FM. 33 Black Country euphemism for male genitalia. 34 A brown and yellow spotted necktie with a slight smell of urine is worn for the duration of a private view whilst other firm members make wafting handmovements at you.Double points are scored if this can be performed in front of a video projection screen. 35 To open and shut legs outside of Rogue Studios whilst holding your nose.
The Malvern Training Camp - A typical day. 8.45 9.00 10.30 11.00 12.00 13.00 The TAF van at the Malvern training camp (borrowed from Aye-Aye Books)
14.00
15.00 16.00 16.30
At the Malvern training camp The Worcester Wattlers demonstrated their plans to brick up the fire exits of the Congolese-Falkland Islands fusion restaurant within the Cross Rail Buffet Gallery
36 Have you been ‘Quaifed’? Let BAZ know. Phone 07IPS IKON BMAG (After 6pm).
41 Introduced by New Labour, but cut by the Lib Dems to save wind farms.
37 And endless Beat Streuli exhibitions.
42 The bare minimum of most unfunded London artist-led spaces.
38 See the Government’s ‘Fresh and Easy’report. 39 Followed by all artist led firms, Emma Superspeedbroadbandconnection’s re tweets were so hotly anticipated that news of an incoming blog post had mercifully interupted a three day Reactor performance that no one had had the nerve to leave. 40 Recognisable by a cavalier approach to wearing brogues with football stockings and knowing the continual whereabouts of Darren Day.
43 And typically London... 44 Working title Cappuchino Carpaccio. 45 Though it’s typical fucking London. 46 Many also thought pre1920s Maldivian silent film was far too close to Finnish 1960’s horror to warrant a cinema of its own. 47 Properly, not in a Turning Point kind of way.
Flag of Gavin Wade raised How to get on a tube (OA) Tuck Shop (min spend £12) How to get on a tube better (WW) London Lunch: Organic Rat Tapas50 and eel pie bake off (B-NAM) Effective Wattle and Daubing of Gallery Fire Escapes (WW) The Secret of a Successful Manchester Necktie (CC) [Please bring a necktie and a small quantity of fresh urine] Coracle Building (BSF) [bring 4 copies of Frieze and own PVA] Prayers, Bourriard reading and Flag down (TAF) Book burning and camp songs51
After a month52 the plan was set and firms awaited a coded advert in Art Monthly53 to prompt them to leave their warm, spacious and well appointed studios. The time had come to finally do battle with the London Art world and get their PIF PAF money back.
48 Organised by The WW the site for the camp was one of the 40 arce sites that the parish council gave aspiring artists for completing a BTEC. The camp caused much excitement and quickly received guaranteed repeat Arts Council funding for 10 years whilst becoming a central attraction in Worcestershire Arts Month. 49 Other names for the mission: Operation Nick Serota, Operation Hit Cockneys and We’ve got a Symphony Orchestra you know were all rejected as the internet domain names had already been bought.
50 Ikon Gallery director Jonathan Watkins will preside over a mini Masterchef tournament and judge the most adventurous use of rat in a tapas based dish. 51 Usually adapted football chants: You’re not funded, you’re not funded, you’re not funded anymore. 52 Regional artists are notoriously lazy. 53 Turn March 2012’s edition upside down and hold it in front of a mirror. You’ll see. 54 Munoz. 55 Though you can keep Noddy Holder.
Take London - How the raid unfolded BAZ have created a rough timeframe of the now legendary events that saw regional art firms take back their PIF PAF funding. 23.34 The 1000 (ish) strong army arrive in London via coracles on the River Thames (beginning at Wallingford)56 adopting the look of a long forgotten Hayward Gallery offsite programme57 00.18 Surround the Cross Rail Buffet Gallery58 00.24 Group visit to Tate Modern giftshop 00.30 Costa Coffee and toilet break 01.40 The group peform the famous Zulu ‘impondo zekomo’ / beast’s horns tactic. Chanting is heard 01.50 In a nod to old British Airways adverts, the group re-adjust to form the ‘Obrist Ikhanda’ formation (replicating the shape of Hans Ulrich Obrist’s forehead on water) 01.57 Launch into a rendition of ‘HUO’59 01.59 Guess the Wi-Fi password of White Cube Bermondsey60 02.02 Transfer of PIF PAF funds61
An unidentified member of the Outpost Army aboard a coracle made with melted down back issues of Artist Newsletter
02.15 Return home. Doctor Who. Then bed Cornerhouse Crew’s Otters launch a pre emptive attack on Bearspace gallery 56 A nearer starting point was chosen after a previous attempt involving thousands of regional artists on fixed gear bikes ended in failure. Unfamiliar with the lack of brakes, the Sheffield and Nottingham art scenes overshot London and ended up in Brighton (unfortunately eliminating two regional art scenes but sending one in to Biennial territory). 57 Rikrit Taravanorangina has been rumoured to be circumnavigating the Thames estuary whilst waiting for his publication to go to print. 58 No one really knew where this was but the whiff of lemon houmous eventually gave it away.
59 He’s from the land of fondue. We saw him at Frieze and Zoo. HUO, HUO, HUO. 60 Cerithwynevans1 61 Victory was not as glorious as may have been imagined though, with £283.74 being returned by a volunteer at Cell Project Space, who authorised a BACs payment from her iPhone during the interval of the Spice Girls Musical. 62 English City. 63 Though we take no responsibility for what they write back. 64 Or Google ‘Berliningham’, ‘Cremated in Birmingham’ or ‘Randy Union’ to find us.
BAZ are an art-world think-tank based between the cavity OSB walls of studios one and two at Grand Union, Birmingham.62 They are currently composed of two members - shamed Mediterranean waiter Christolopolous F Polman and former youth rugby worker Mark Westerbrooker. Currently BAZ employ two interns, enjoy a fanbase of 24 and utilise a large network of undercover spies. BAZ are available for birthday parties and events loosely connected to the creative industries, offering a range of services including auctions, TV based gameshow nights, private view chaperoning, all night writing events and basic image manipulation. Please email our interns at bazbirmingham@gmail.com63 www.bazbazbaz.com64