THE BEST OF THE ATA FC BLOG From the vast Canadian plains of Moseley rugby club, to the idyllic training sessions at Highbury park, via Ian England and Dave Thomas’s broken ankles, the Hughes-Gate affair, the cage fighting now occurring weekly at gosta green and the emergence of eastside projects as a possible threat to ATA FC, the Athletico Tortured Artists story has had many lows and few highs (except when we used to kick it over the fence at Moseley Rugby club to waste time and try and secure a 0 -0 draw), but ATA FC have survived and are now entering the most glorious moment in their history: hosting the first BAF Cup in Birmingham. If the following pages are tiresome and at times impenetrable, on account of the number of player-The Wire analogies used, please be patient and kind. From the outside it may appear nothing more than the puerile ramblings of artists whose footballing prime has past. To them though, the re emergence of physical activity in their lives after a ten year hiatus has had a profound effect on all those involved. The achy jelly legs, deep painful sick feeling and post match rigor mortis - the result of running around on a pitch smaller than a full size pitches penalty area - has brought renewed meaning and purpose to previously hollow lives. The following pages present a selection of stories and gossip from the ATA FC blog for your possible enjoyment.
BURWOOD IN MOBILE HAIRDRESSING UNIT EXPOSE
Dan Dave Burwood, rapidly becoming a fans favourite on account of his rough sleeping antics, has being sensationally revealed as a charlatan. As this exclusive picture shows, Burwood’s shambolic appearance is a carefully constructed fabrication that involves hours of preparation each day. Dandy Burwood, here seen purusing Footballer’s Haircuts spends the majority of his weekly wage packet on employing an all female team of hairdressers to accompany his every move. Such is Burwood’s inclination for the finer things in life, he insists that ‘The Burwoodettes’ are also accomplished opera singers. Apparently secret toff Burwood enjoys seedy late night renditions of the title song from the musical ‘Hair’ whilst ‘The Burwoodettes’ pamper his treasured barnet into the early hours. Unfortunately, the love and attention devoted to Burwood’s hair is not reciprocated by Burwood himself. Despite having space to accomodate his loyal group of helpers, mean streaked Burwood keeps his assistants locked up at night in a Saab outside his house. Cold hearted Burwood was unavailable to comment on this latest revelation, although he was spotted earlier today cutting the ribbon at the opening of Stourbridge’s first Tony and Guy. More to follow.
'BERBATOV' WESTBROOK CRISIS HITS ATA FC Representatives of Athletico Tortured Artists FC are currently in crisis talks with the agent of midfield powerhouse Matt ’ Berbatov’ Westbrook regarding his future. It appears that Westbrook has being lured by the money and glamour of a dream move to Milk St United. The similarities with wantaway Tottenham striker Berbatov don’t end there. ATA FC won’t settle for anything less than 28 million for Westbrook - particularly as he possesses a pair of brand new football boots. News of Westbrook’s possible departure has sent shockwaves through the footballing community, with national press and media flocking to the Westbrook compound in Cotteridge. The news from our reporter camped outside is that Westbrook was briefly spotted 2 hours ago berating a member of his pompey clad staff. It appears that Westbrook prefers his 8 vehicles to be washed with Evian, not common tap water. If Westbrook does decide to move to Milk St United he will be sorely missed. The tough tackling midfield dynamo is fondly remembered by the ATA FC faithful for turning up for training in his brand new football boots, only to pull his hamstring after 5 seconds of gentle stretching exercises. More to follow.
WESTBROOK LOSES EPIPHET! ATA FC called yet another press conference earlier today to announce that Matt Westbrook is to lose the ‘Berbatov’ epithet. After his tough tackling performance last night, ATA FC officials were locked in a 16 hour board meeting discussing new epithets for new fans favourite Westbrook. ‘Makelele’ was eventually chosen, although ATA FC officials were keen to stress that this was a purely footballing decision and not a size orientated one. More to follow.
REHAB! Footage has surfaced on the internet of ATA FC apparently training in the leafy grounds of a rehabilitation centre. The picturesque setting is a far cry from the plethora of addiction related problems besetting the squad at the moment. ATA FC Club Captain Phil Barber apparently held showdown talks with ATA FC Chairman Poolman demanding the entire squad goes into rehab before Wednesday’s big match against league leaders ‘Morning Glory’. Whilst the £1000 a day per player rehab centre is not cheap, it is hoped that the delicate combination of football, watercolour painting, meditation and group hugs will have ‘the mighty artists’ fighting fit for Wednesday’s fixture. Unfortunately, the 6 hour group hugs proved too much for right back J Masters who was last seen climbing over the barbed wire rehab centre fence shouting profanities at his team mates before jumping into a blacked out BMW and speeding off down Kings Heath High Street. Unluckily the 11 sets of traffic lights on Kings Heath High Street slowed his progress somewhat. The BMW was eventually surrounded by 6 police cars after trying to take a short cut through The Hare & Hounds and Masters was sectioned under section 31 of the mental health act which stipulates that wearing the colour combination of pink, blue, green and yellow in public classifies you as a ‘high risk’ patient. Loyal ATA FC fans were unsuccessful in their attempts to rocket launch supplies into the rehab centre. Hughes and Poolman were apparently distraught at the packages of rolling tobacco missing the target but this was nothing compared to Westbrook - currently battling a pompey memorabilia addiction - who was reduced to tears when a rocket carrying a Harry Redknapp Toby Jug smashed into a conker tree. More to follow.
Athletico TA’s long standing keeper Chris Poolman keeps an eye on proceedings in last nights epic encounter with Hollywood Socceroos .Lit only by the one floodlight and the distant glow of Ikon Deathstar, the tortured artists battled manfully against a more youthful and altogether more replica shirt wearing Socceroos side. Confusion reigned initially as it dawned upon both teams that the match would be a trial for UEFA’s new 3 goals / 1 rugby post ‘Soccerball Experience’ which is due to be implemented somewhere in the future. The Artists were under the misguided impression that they had won the first quarter by 7 points to 9 but were then docked points after being adjudged to have broken official kit guidelines. It turned out that all shirt numbers must add up to 28 for an unspecified amount of the time, and an early change for the deedpoll loving Ian England (available also for South Africa) for Tubbs Westbrook had sent the total permanently above the limit. Despite brave attempts to win the match by kicking all the official match balls over the fence, thereby invoking the ‘we’re using our ball - we win’ ruling, The Mighty Artists went down to second in the table Hollywood Socceroos. full match report to follow maybe: Final score: ATA FC 0- 2 Hollywood Socceroos
WHIPPS AID REACHES AFRICA Speculation has been rife amongst the ATA FC ranks as to the reasons behind defensive supremo Stuart ‘Rio’ Whipp’s reluctance to show his wallet in public. Usually coinciding with the collecting of the £3.50 match fee, ATA FC squad members had begun to suspect it may be a Birmingham FC novelty wallet that Whipps’ was simply too embarrassed to admit to owning. It appears though, that nothing could be further from the truth. Whipps’ reluctance to dig into his wallet is a direct consequence of his efforts to set up ‘The Stuart Whipps African Football Academy’ in Africa to help poverty stricken children enjoy a better life through playing football. Kind-hearted Whipps’ has evidently been pumping money into the school for the past two years simply to try and improve the lives of those less well off. This genuine act of single-minded, brave benevolence has unfortunately left him so poor that ATA FC officials are considering a fund raising event to help pay his match fees for the next 10 years. Rumour’s that the Academy was actually a clandestine feeder school for Birmingham City FC have been quashed by the Whipps’ camp, although the arrival of the David Sullivan Bentley by helicopter yesterday failed to alleviate these fears. More to follow.
ATA FC THREE START YEAR IN FINE FASHION
As this picture shows, 2009 really is going to be the year of British Artist Football. Despite only three ATA FC personal turning up for the year’s first training session, they didn’t let the freezing conditions hamper their spirits. A dog was briefly spotted on the horizon but it passed safely by. Some useful ‘pass, move, pass’ and intelligent ‘headers and volleys’ was followed by an enjoyable session of ‘fake the documentation’ - in this case heading the ball and team press ups. Impressive stuff, but nothing compared to what 2009 has for British Artists Football. More to follow. !
SQUAD ANNOUNCEMENTS OVERSHADOWED BY EASTSIDE PREPARATION ATA FC officials sensationally called a press conference last night to announce the squads for the BAF Cup. In the esteemed surroundings of The Prince of Wales, club officials explained to a disinterested audience of Tolkien lookalikes and bearded types that ATA FC would be submitting an A (AC Tortured) and a B (Dynamo Artists) team into the tournament. After weeks of discussion as to the relative merits of putting in two equally matched teams teams or an A and B team, the latter choice was decided upon. This is largely due to the rumours that Jibbering could be pretty good and the increased possibility of Eastside blowing two years worth of BCU funding on flying in Lionel Messi for the afternoon. MOOSES HEAD ATA FC officials were also slightly perturbed earlier in the evening when Jibbering centre half Dee revealed that Jibbering play 2 hour games on a weekly basis whilst he completed pull ups on a Moose's head. Such dedication to duty appeared to frighten ATA FC personnel who vowed there and then to shun equal opportunities and egalitarianism in favour of a strong side and a slightly less than strong side (but strong nevertheless). WHIPPS-GATE To prevent any last minute transfer shenanigans (the Whipps-gate affair), the blue kited one has been given the captaincy of AC Tortured. Whipps, whose silky skills are matched only by his vocal ones on the football pitch, expressed his delight this morning at the gates of his decaying compound in Sutton Coldfield (the locals call it Xanadu). RADHI JAIDI SLIPPERS Donning a novelty pair of Radhi Jaidi slippers and a BCFC dressing gown that has clearly seen better and brighter days, Whipps proudly posed for
photographers, before giving everyone a nasty shock when he revealed a new Alex Mcleish tattoo on his arse. Dynamo Artists will be captained by Victorian gent and everybody's favourite lovable rogue Dan Burwood. Burwood who is the bookies favourite to win 'Most Improved Player' at the end of year awards bash was within spitting distance of making the A team. ATA FC officials decided though, that it would be impossible to accommodate a player who wears Dave Thomas's boots. SUPERSTITION Whilst Burwood has put his superstitions aside, the majority of ATA FC personnel remain wary of the boots. Only two weeks ago, Phil Barber - in a moment of unexplainable irrationality - touched the boots in question; he has subsequently picked up a minor case of the infamous 'Athletico Ankle'. Burwood was unavailable to comment on the news that he is to captain Dynamo Artists as he was busy opening his latest hairdressing salon 'PERMACULTURE' in Handsworth.
Just who will make up the Eastside team is anybody's guess. Disturbing reports today suggest that Eastside associates have been locked up in the VRU unit and made to stare at a Bill Drummond poster for up to 18 hours a day. SCORE The cruel brainwashing device is thought to have been implemented after Eastside bigwigs saw a similar device been used by Paul Ince during his successful spell at Blackburn Rovers. Rumours are that the plan may be already backfiring, after several associates were seen hanging around a corner of Ladypool road this afternoon enquiring after 'a bag of something smelly'. Quite where this leaves Eastside nobody knows. Will Messi be flying into Birmingham for the afternoon? Will the associates be able to keep off the weed long enough to play? Or do Wade and Langdon have something special up their sleeve that the artists football world know nothing about ? TENSION With only two weeks to go until the most anticipated football tournament in England since the 1966 World Cup, the tension continues to mount. Just how good are Jibbering? Should a street art team be allowed in the tournament? Can you really fit 120 people into the back room of The Lamp Tavern as Landlord Eddie Claims? Who will have the best kit? Should Dan Burwood be allowed to play on his bike? Will it rain? Will teams be able to find Aston Powerleague? With so many questions to be answered, the BAF Cup promises to be the footballing event of the year. BLACK MARKET With tickets exchanging hands on the black market for over ÂŁ200, ebay has noted a dramatic rise in back catalogues of A-N magazine appearing on it's website as hard up artists attempt to generate enough capital to buy a ticket. Six desperate artists were arrested yesterday at Aston Poweleague after their attempts to dig a tunnel into the complex were thwarted. Quick witted powerleague employees thought they smelt a rat when they heard the theme tune from Escape to Victory emanating from a drain. SYLVESTER STALLONE Upon removing the drain cover, six artists donning Sylvester Stallone masks were found after having tunneled into the drain by mistake. In what vaguely resembled something by Santiago Sierra, the six artists were removed from
the cramped drain they had been stuck in for 3 days with only a copy of Art Monthly for entertainment. Clearly distressed at the incident, the 'Aston Six' explained that they were so distraught at not been able to get a ticket for the tournament, that they had decided to dig a tunnel into the powerleague. Security has now been stepped up at the complex, with West Midlands police drafting in an extra 400 officers from London to help with managing the tournament. DIRECT POTTERY ACTION Unfortunately, the hooligan element in Artists football continues to rear its ugly head at events such as this. With the infamous Worcester Firm 'Direct Pottery Action' expected to turn up, the Firms of both ATA FC and Eastside are expected to be in attendance. It can only be hoped that the hooligan faction respect football on an occasion like this and keep their disturbance to a minimum. It would be a shame for both football and art if the tournament was ruined by the rampaging mindlessness of a few. EDDIE On a more positive note, Landlord Eddie of The Lamp Tavern has expressed his uncontained delight that the post tournament awards are occurring at The Lamp. Talking to reporters this morning over several Irish coffees, Eddie explained how he couldn't sleep properly at night because he was so excited that such a prestigious event was coming to his pub ('it's great to feel young again'). Tickets for the event sold out last year within 15 minutes of going on sale. The awards ceremony, which builds on the critically acclaimed ATA FC awards last December (the Guardian called it 'insightful and irreverent entertainment. Brilliant stuff') will take a slightly more abridged format this time, after a small minority of attendees complained at the excessive length of the last ceremony. BINGO Punters won't feel that they're been short changed though, as everyones favourite entertainer AC Tortured Captain Whipps will be compering a late night bingo session with all proceeds going to the Ian England Appeal. It promises to be the event of the year. If you haven't got a ticket, get one.
BURWOOD'S ABSENCE EXPOSES DYNAMO FRAILTIES AS AC TAKE CONTROL
Langdon: what does he know about Burwood’s disappearance FC DYNAMO ARTISTS 12 - 30 AC TORTURED (‘mixed fabrics’) ‘Reds’ WHIPPS POOLMAN The ever effete Phil BARBER THE ‘GUVNOR’ ESSEN 'BROOK' WADE THE ELDEST THUMPER LANGDON The ever effete Phil Barber’s Brother ‘MIKE’ Shock waves were sent round Holt St when at five past seven it became clear that lovable Chimney Sweep and fan favourite Dan Dave Burwood would not be making his usual entrance to the pitch, changing from one period costume to another whilst stumbling over his bike, or indeed be taking any part in the night’s proceedings. CHILLI DOG
Rumours circulated as to the reasons for his disappearance but this, and the continued absence of Stuart Tait (tai chi over kill), Jacob Masters (web finger) added to the fact that it appears that the MLS has now permanently lured Alex Marzeta to the land of the chilli dog ( he was last seen in New York on Google earth dressed as ‘Bubbles’ fromThe Wire) meant another massive overhaul of the teams. COLOURS Transfers between the two rival teams were decided clandestinely by the bin before the game by ‘Stringer Bell’ Poolman and ‘Avon Barksdale’ Tom Grosvenor, seemingly on the basis on what everyone was wearing. SAUSAGES Mark Essen (Ziggy) made his second appearance for Dynamo, having been part of the loan deal that took Gaz Hughes (Herc) to Berlin Sausagemakers. Essen’s arrival had clearly upset Matt Westerbrucker (Frank Sobotka) who had changed his name by deed poll in an attempt to be in pole position to receive the player with most German sounding name award. EXPOSED Westerbrucker was also amazingly exposed as the brains behind a bizarre failed plot to win car of the year in last week’s game when he had arranged for some heavies to impede the Essen’s vehicle. BUG Stringer Bell wisely chose to keep them apart for this game by placing them on opposing teams and advising both to stay in goal for most of the game. This didn’t however stop the irrepressible Westerbrucker, who made an outrageous attempt to bug Essen’s goal with the old ‘hoodie left in the goal mouth’ routine. This one will surely run and run at least until Tait ( Brother Mouzone) returns. CLUB MASCOT Whipps (Sgt. Ellis Carver) had defied the odds again by appearing to shave off another 10 years off his dubious age by turning up in a full Blues home kit giving him the appearance of a club mascot. The fact that he pleaded that this was down to sheer economy (£10 from SPORTS DIRECT) wasn’t washing with anyone, and most people’s suspicions were confirmed by the fact that gave an ongoing running commentary every time he touched the ball throughout the game. NOT AS IN THE PASTY SHOP
The Ever Effete Phil Barber (Greggs) appeared also to be in on this replica kit wearing but had bought the unliked 0607 home kit, a classic EEPB error. This was however trumped by the twinkle toed one by bringing along his mercenary younger (but older looking) brother Mike (Poot), who was to put in another strong performance in payment for half a coke and a bag of crisps. CREAKS The game kicked off and there proceeded to be a change from the usual edgy first 10 minutes with AC Tortured imposing themselves quickly on the FC Dynamo defence and striding in to a 4-0 lead. The home crowd went quiet and Dynamo were creaking with some divisions in the ranks being exposed. It took club mascot Sgt Ellis Carver to change the flow of the game as he set about imposing himself on the AC defence. This led to some tough exchanges with Andy ‘Thumper’ Broad st (Bodie) and Old Man Frank Sobotka, who surely by now should be playing in an old masters league somewhere else. The Sergeant certainly gave the orders and before too long Dynamo were back in it with 3 quickly taken goals. 4-3. Quarter of an hour had passed and both teams were knackered with one eye on the clock. Fearing that the first team to demand for a half time break would be exposed as lightweights both teams continued to blindly kick hacks out of each other for an hour and a half in which time the scoreline rose to 21-11 to ACT. It took union man Frank Sobotka’s son Ziggy to call time and keep hold of the ball so everyone could stand in their goalmouth and pretend they weren’t hurting half as much as they actually were.
HALF TIME TACTICS AND ORANGE LUCOZADE New Dynamo signing Wade the Eldest (Colonel Daniels) had had enough and came out for the second half recharged by writing a half time press release about Kurt Vonnegut. He continued to inspire others and gave another storming performance, linking well with The Sergeant and EEPB but they were overall powerless to prevent Iron man Tom Avon Barksdale and the lolloping Stringer Bell from casually extending AC’s goal tally as the Dynamo defence continued to be caught on the break. Despite Frank Sobotka’s best attempts to undermine any advantage his team had gained, AC asserted themselves in to what would become an unassailable lead. JIM JAMS As the game petered out and Whipp’s had his customary 5 minute lie down, it became apparent that no one had seen The Thinking man’s Edgar
Davids/ James Langdon /Lester Freamon for some time, indeed he was conspicuous by his absence. Choosing to wear his black Marks and Spencer pyjamas for the game TTMED/JL/LF had made some early impressive runs up the left wing but as the game had progressed had voluntarily retreated back to the Dynamo defence. Odd, as he seemed a potent part of Dynamo’s attack. WHERE WAS BURWOOD? It what can be classed as a Matt Motson exclusive I can now reveal that TTMED/JL/LF was in fact communicating via his swimming goggles, throughout the match with 18thCentury Dan Burwood who had become stuck, Quantum Leap-esque in a future dimension. RUSTY. It turns out that throughout the match Langdon was in fact collecting rubbish to send to travelling man Burwood so that he could power his rusty fixed wheel postman’s bike BACK to the future to collect an item that a future Langdon had bid for on e-bay in the year 2056. GAMBLER The only problem was that the money Langdon had used in the future to bid for his purchase was reliant on a bet he had placed on the score being EXACTLY 12-30 to AC Tortured. This scoreline would also ensure Burwood’s safe return by mirroring the calibration on his bike lock thus allowing his flux capacitor to be recharged. It would also explain the tension and the late onslaught of goals that Dynamo proceeded to let in as the clock ticked away. EXCLUSIVE! Quite what this all means for next weeks match is unclear. What was Essen’s involvement in the downfall? Will Burwood return from the future to sturdy up Dynamo defence? Will anyone really care? Find out next week as the rivalry goes on. FINAL SCORE FC DYNAMO ARTISTS 12 - 30 AC TORTURED Matt Motson
ARTISTS EXPRESS NOSTALGIA FOR DAYS PAST
In what has been several weeks of unprecedented turmoil in the muddled history of ATA FC, images were sensationally leaked in the tabloids today of all together happier days for ATA FC. One image in particular graced the back pages of no less than 34 tabloids worldwide (see above). Once upon a time players turned up for training wearing sandals offering gifts of new boots to team mates; players leant upon one another, literally and metaphorically. ATA FC was not just a football team, it was like an extended family. Players felt comfortable enough to hug one another on a routine basis as well as take group walks together through Birmingham parks on sunny Sunday afternoons. Then it all began to crumble. ATA FC suffered their second broken ankle of the season when Team Captain Ian ‘Get F**king Back And Defend’ England landed awkwardly in training, whilst consecutive matches against 15 year old opposition broke into violence. The clubs awards ceremony this Saturday will also double up as the annual AGM and big decisions are expected to be made on the future of ATA FC. It is expected that ATA FC are to withdraw from their current league in order to undergo an intensive programme of re-branding (new name, new kit, new future). ATA FC are undoubtedly experiencing at the moment what can only be described as a mild existential crisis. Westbrook’s retaliative cry to taunting chicken noises from the opposition on Wednesday night perhaps says it all: Who do you think you are? Gary Lineker?….
THE HOLT ST HUSSLE AC Tortured 18 - 16 FC Dynamo/Eastside projects Vesterbrucke
Wade the Elder
Stringer Bell
Lester Freaman
Whipps
The ‘Guvnor’
Not So Effete Now Phil Barber
Brother Mouzone
18th Century Man
Thumper
Holt St witnessed another fiercely contested match between the two great rivals of artist’s football as the players of ACT and DA battled it out for selection to the eagerly anticipated BAF tournament at the end of the month http://www.britishartistsfootball.co.uk CAPELLO? REDKNAPP? WATKINS? Hoping to somehow catch an imaginary manager’s eye, players from both teams put in a tough performance to demonstrate their BAF tournament credentials before the upcoming squad announcements. DAYLIGHT BRIBERY Rumours of bribery and corruption have continued to surface from ATA FC’s training ground in recent weeks but after the tabloid shanannigans of the private view fest that was the May Day Eastside openings, it was Whipps who caused the biggest surprise by running out in the blue shirt / tatty red bib combo that now seems to represent AC Tortured’s home kit. Rumours of him transferring to ESP continue to exist but there had been no exchange of brown paper bags, or even one-day comics, but Wade the Elder will surely one day get his man. TRAINING? ACT fans must now know they have to savour the sight of seeing the young trompadour Whipps playing in the famous red and odd shades of blue before he inevitably moves to the Dayglo pastures of ESP, where it is thought he will see out his George Best ‘where did it all go wrong?’ years. STING Stung by Whipps Loyalty to ACT Wade the Elder and James ‘Lillie’ Langdon took the opportunity to team up with the disaffected DA team to put in some early tackles on what is becoming a dominant AC Tortured team.
BLOOR Inspired by Eastside Projects kitman Tom Bloor ( who had gone round the previous week head butting anyone who doubted ESP’s title hopes) the luminous boots of WTE and LL went in fiercely from the beginning, storming DA/ESP to an early 5-2 lead. Through the Langdon goggles, all was rosy. ARSON Hurt, confused and lethargic ACT were now on the verge of an unprecedented defeat. But the galling sight of Colonel Daniels high fiving his troops finally stirred the Stringer Bell and Whipps striking partnership in to action. Surely these two are going to set the world of artists football alight come May 23rd as the took the match by the scruff of its Birmingham art world standard issue blue winter coat collar and powered ACT in to what would become an unassailable lead. Tait and Thumper responded with 2 goals for DA /ESP past the feeble, and often infuriatingly doing sit ups, Vesterbrucke. ROGERS Canny operator Club Chairman and Shop Steward Bell will also surely be aware that any transfer fee for Whipps will no doubt increase when the world can see his class on a bigger stage. (Word is that Bell’s after a black smart car like the one ESP allegedly wooed Whipps with earlier in the season to tow behind his decorators wagon. Rumours that this is to transport Henry Rogers between residencies are as yet unfounded) FISTICUFFS As the game wore on players became increasingly edgy at the thought of injury with The ‘not so effete now’ Phil Barber showing he can mix it with the big boys. Positioned on the right of midfield meant NSENPB was regularly up against DA’s Andy Broad St (affectionately known as ‘Thumper’) who has a feared reputation as a no holes barred tackler. The Andy and Phil show made for an interesting sideline to the evening’s match which also saw verbal fisticuffs between spurned lovers Wade and Whipps. RIVER DEEP Emotions run high in these games but new rules did seem to be established (above head height ok, no slide tackles allowed, don’t drink from Frank Subotka’s water) and needless to say there were handshakes all round at the end.
INERTIA The game finished 18-16 to ACT and will be remembered as the day when the race for the BAF MUG properly began. Both sides are looking fit and ready and all thoughts now are starting to turn towards that fateful day in May. Final Score ACT 18 – 16 Dynamo Artists/ Eastside Projects Matt Motson
WHIPPS WONDERS STEAL MARCH ON RIVALS By Matt Motson AC TORTURED 14(?)
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FC DYNAMO ARTISTS
In what became a hard fought and frankly, over physical game, the APL resumed its competitive edge for the summer season. Barring a meta narrative injury to Stuart Tait, Jake Master's finger strain and the continued absence of Alex Marzeta (last seen boarding a plane to play for Ecuador on international duty) both teams were back to full strength. The exertion and slight inertia of last week’s international friendly with America had been put to one side but Whipp’s toe remained a concern. Conditions were unusually balmy with the match being the first game to kick off in daylight. This exposed the rather primitive changing facilities at Holt St and the ever effete Phil Barber was seen struggling with a towel round his waist trying to change in to his pre moulded inner body layer. Dan Dave Burwood surprised everyone by arriving a full 5 minutes early, presumably getting leave from his day job at a Victorian Manchester workhouse In a scene reminiscent of ‘Back to the Future’ Burwood freewheeled down the embankment on a what appeared to be a World War Two era, air raid marshal’s bike, seemingly preoccupied with the time on the large university clock on the side of a building, he repeatedly indicated that it was stuck at five to seven. Team-mate’s suspicions were further raised when he was overheard to mumble ‘Marty! Marty! It’s worked! It’s worked!’ in to a walkietalkie concealed somewhere in his BBC costume drama attire. The teams warmed up and looking for any glimmer of inspiration, and ever the fashionista, Dynamo Artist’s captain Matt Westbrook walked on to the pitch donning a vintage 1984 England ‘Admiral’ kit. Such a shame the 1984 version of Westbrook could not also be present as the unsettling sight of his
bulging frame, shrink wrapped in to shiny polyester was thought to upset and distract his fellow team-mates. Bizarrely new ACT signing James Langdon, perhaps expecting a swim off, appeared to be wearing goggles or some sort of advanced Nintendo Wii application. It later transpired that this was an attempt by the pyjama bottomed and fold away bike expert to view the game purely in fluorescent colour. Quite how this will function with the expected return of Marzeta next week is unclear. The game kicked off and there proceeded to be an edgy first 10 minutes with AC Tortured imposing themselves on the FC Dynamo defence but without any return. Dynamo were creaking though, with ACT new signing Wade the Elder starting impressively, passing to feet and making the most of the indecision that seemed endemic in the Dynamo ranks. Phil Barber was already despairing at the lack of numbers in defence and it was no surprise when a Westbrook defensive error let in Whipps who fired home to score the first of his many goals. This was swiftly followed by a belter from the inimitable Wade the Elder. As the ball hit the back of the net and in to a sportsworld rucksack, it was as if the dramatic music that accompanied the German goals in ‘Escape to Victory’ could be heard in the minds of the team in blue. The omens indeed did not look good for Dynamo. Quite what happened next may go down in FC Dynamo history. A glance around his team gave Captain Westbrook all the motivation he needed. The dejected Andy Broad St sat motionless on the floor, head in hands. Phil Barber appeared to be repeatedly making the 'Lineker eyes' to an imaginary manager on an imaginary bench. Herr ‘Gaz’ Hughes just stood there, wryly shaking his head, muttering something about Arbeloa, whilst the absent Dan Burwood was scaling the fence, seemingly to link a makeshift time travel device between Whipp’s Smart car and the aforementioned university clock. What would Clough do in a situation like this? How could FC Dynamo get back into the game? There was only one answer. CRUNCH! there Andy Broad St tackling everything that moves. BANG! There’s Burwood, back in the room, cutting out another sloppy Chairman Poolman pass. WALLOP! There’s Westbrook stamping down on every ACT attacking move (literally- apologies to all) and...
WHOOSH! ITS A GOAL! The Ginger Pele breaks clear to fire home a long range effort 2-1! Dynamo are back in the game. GOAL! Some fine interplay from Burwood and Andy Broad St , along with some luck from a fumble by Langdon sees a Barber shot make it 2-2! and then Dynamo got tired, heads dropped and ACT kind of run away with it… Final Score: AC Tortured 14 – 7 FC Dynamo (to be honest it was probably nearer 20) Whipps lots Wade 2? Poolman 1? Tom 2?
Westbrook 3 Langton 1 Barber 2 Hughes 1
(please note scorer accuracy impeded by fatigue) PLAYER RATINGS AC TORTURED FC 8 - Langdon - The thinking man's Edgar Davids - some great saves and good interplay. After a shaky debut he now looks to be a good signing for ACT. Nice bike. 8- Wade The Elder - An immediate impact made to the land of APL football with goals and assists aplenty. This imposing midfielder will surely be a keystone of future ACT teams. Uses his experience well. Unusual to see him without his blackberry. 6- Chris ‘The Chairman’ Poolman - a quiet game. Perhaps distracted by events off the pitch and rumours of financial meltdown. Seemed to be carrying a lot of cash towards end of game though- is there a bung culture at ATAFC? more next week. 9- Whipps The Wondermeister. What more can be said about this young trompadour? Is he Benjamin Button-esque actually getting younger? Where does he get his energy from? Is it a beard or a tache? Why did he buy a smart car? Playing out of his skin to justify the expense of buying a new England shirt .
8-Tom ‘The Guvnor’ Grosvenor - BMAGIC! BMA(G)ARVELLOUS! The Guvnor was up and down the left wing like a young Tony Blair. His silky skills and fitness are rare at this level. FC DYNAMO ARTISTS 5- ‘Old Man’ Matt Westbrook – lucky to be on the pitch and visibly aging with each kick. When this player takes the field you can almost here the whimsical melodies of Neil Young serenading his every move. Got a hat trick but his wayward shooting would have irritated the most loyal of FC DA fans. Stay at the back, stay out of trouble. Buy some new kit. 6- Big Dan Burwood - The loan signing from the 18th century continues to improve, but showed some woeful keeping. Perhaps not yet adjusted to the modern day match balls. 7- Herr ‘Gaz’ Hughes - Soon to be departed Herr Gaz will leave FC Dynamo for a pre planned loan signing to Herta Berlin Sausagemakers and fittingly got the last goal. His trickery and control on the ball will be sorely missed by FC DA who wish him well and a return testimonial one day in the odd assortment of Blue that constitutes their kit. Is Marzeta out there? Can he accept the mantle that Hughes has left? Auf Weidersen, farewell, wish me luck, say goodbye Hughes was not heard to say. 5- ‘Andy’ Broad St – by his own high standards the ‘thumper’ had a bad day at the office. Still in line for 'name that sounds most like an entertainment district' award at the end of the season awards. 6- Barber 'El Nino' – seemingly out of the game for long spells but he still managed to twinkle toe it up with some neat interplay. How does he do that drag back thing? Great words of inspiration. Chin up PB they'll be better days than this.
Westbrook in Huff over POW (Player of the Week) Award Overweight Dynamo Artists right back Matt Westbrook today sensationally declared himself UNHAPPY at his recent POW award, given for his indomitable performance in Wednesday nights 11-7 win over DA's staunch, and only, rivals AC Tortured. Westbrook, on loan from the 1987 promotion winning Portsmouth team, revealed his despair at receiving the award at a press conference from his humble 16 bed residence on the outskirts of Birmingham. Journalists were bizarrely made to fix or clean certain aspects of the fading Edwardian mansion before being allowed to enter the back room to meet Westbrook, still not up and dressed, over a cup of jasmine tea and some wagon wheels. FACIAL HAIR Faced with the increased praise and fan attention his recent performances have attracted, Westbrook was coy about accepting the award and declared that instead it should have been the rough sleeping Dan Dave Burwood who should have received the dubious award. ‘He had a much better game than me, and worked the space on the left like a South American revolutionary in a missile crisis’ said Westbrook, seemingly continually distracted by the scrabble application on facebook. ‘Even Marzetta lasted a half and Big Kris scares the shit out of me, so God knows what he’s doing to the opposition…” he went on to say whilst staring at his stolen apple laptop.
DRAMA Dramatically though, Westbrook then went on to say how he believes his improved form for DA has nothing to do with the clubs new, smaller 5-a-side sized pitch or indeed its close location near two pubs. He wished instead to focus on how his recent performances may be having a negative effect on the club he still dreams to play for again, the FA Cup Winning South Coast illegal gun running franchise, Pimpy. PIMPY Since scoring his first goals of the season Westbrook has become acutely aware that his improved performances have also coincided with the poor form of Pimpy, now managed by the reformed Father Jack off Father Ted. Pimpy were one of the modern day game’s super teams. But with success comes plastic mobile phone holders emblazoned with epithets such as ‘Come on Pimpy, work a bit harder.’ TEA IN CHINA Westbrook continued to recount his acrimonious departure from the Fratton World Heritage Site Stadium. ‘When I was at Pimpy, Harry didn’t seem to realize I was part of the squad and kept giving me the keys to his car and asking me to make sure the tyres got cleaned.’ ‘…maybe it was because I still had the ’87 strip on that he didn’t take me seriously. I asked to go on loan. No one seemed to mind. Even Micky Quinn’s shadow seemed to nod in agreement. I knew it was over. It was the saddest day of my life, walking out of that mock tudor chipboard door.’ “Now Father Jacks come in and whilst I’m loving my time in the APL it seems that whenever I play well for DA, Pimpy seem to lose by an increasing margin’ “It’s making my Saturdays unbearable. I still follow Pimpy’s results and sometimes I find myself staring at teletext working out what a draw against Stoke would do.’ ‘I haven’t watched Match of the Day for weeks and think the only way to break this run of bad luck for me to disappear like Stephen Fry somewhere, somewhere foreign and grow a beard’
‘I’m therefore announcing I will not be available for DA’s next match against our closest rivals AC Tortured, and am traveling east in a desperate attempt to try reverse Father Jack’s and Pimpy’s fortunes’ To a rather bemused audience Westbrook then announced he was going for a shower and if someone could hang the washing out that would be great. Westbrook hasn’t timed it well though, with Pimpy not having another match until they face the perennial big time Charlies Liverpool next Saturday. Dynamo Artists continue to look elsewhere for inspiration.
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