“I GET TO!”®
Trade grief for compassion and grace
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By Joan Endicott “Author and lecturer Leo Buscaglia once talked about a contest he was asked to judge. The purpose of the contest was to find the most caring child. The winner was a four-year-old child, whose next-door neighbor was an elderly gentleman who had recently lost his wife. Upon seeing the man cry, the little boy went into the old gentleman’s yard, climbed onto his lap and just sat there. When his mother asked him what he had said to the neighbor, the little boy said, ‘Nothing, I just helped him cry.’” (From The Most Caring Child, by Ellen Kreidman) This last year I have had many opportunities to help others cry. It is a painful, yet powerful reminder of the impermanence of this life. Christians grieve differently, yet grieve we do – and should – for how final the loss is in this life. Though we know intellectually death is part of life, we still feel devastated by it. We cry, mourn, and grieve these irreplaceable losses. Ecclesiastes 3 reminds us, “There is a time for everything, and a season for every activity under the heavens: a time to be born and a time to die…a time to weep and a time to laugh, a time to mourn and a time to dance…” “Grief, I’ve learned, is really just love. It’s all the love you want to give but cannot. All that unspent love gathers up in the corners of your eyes, the lump in your throat, and in that hollow part of your chest. Grief is just love with no place to go.” — Jamie Anderson, Australian author Even though we know death is part of life, if we are not purposeful, we easily slip into apathy, passivity, and distractions that keep us from being fully engaged, present and appreciating the irreplaceable gifts of abilities, relationships, and experiences. Dr. Martin Luther King Jr. modeled for us and challenged us with these words: “You can’t choose when you will die or how you will die, but you can choose what you give your life to.” When we think of the word grief, we naturally think of the loss of a loved one to death – the greatest grief we humans endure. But the more I have studied grief for my personal growth and worked with clients who are walking the grief path, I’ve discovered one of my most valuable lessons for choosing how I will live
18 May / June 2021 | Christian Living
this life, which happened to also unlock a new level of freedom for myself and others. Grief comes from loss. In addition to the death of a loved one, think about other loss you have experienced in life, such as the loss of a trusted relationship, or rejection; feeling ridiculed, bullied or shamed; the devastation of infidelity; being used or manipulated; divorce, job loss, failed business opportunities, or any lost opportunity. My dear husband experienced lost opportunities both as an athlete and a coach. While a coach, his team went undefeated the entire season. They already had two victories over the team they ultimately met at the championship game. They lost! It was painful. He still calls the arena they lost that championship game in “The House of Pain.” It’s important for you not to diminish your pain by comparing it to someone else’s. “Well, compared to them, mine is nothing.” The good news is, it is not a competition. There is plenty of compassion and kindness to go around for everyone. This journey we call life is full of sorrow, pain and heartache and it’s important to acknowledge yours with the same grace you would your best friend. After my friend Laurie was in her car accident (due to her distracted driving), she was so severely brain-damaged, she was disabled to the point that she could do nothing – not even communicate. It is impossible to describe the tremendous loss and grief I experienced – grief for her, her four children, her family and loved ones. In case no one’s ever told you, grief has no expiration date. Please never try to deny processing a past pain because “It was sooo long ago…” It does not matter how long ago something happened; if it has not been pulled up and processed in a healthy way, it is still there. It wasn’t until I was an older adult that I learned how to give myself grace to grieve over the neglect and abuse I experienced in my childhood. My five-year-old self was still in there and since she never had anyone acknowledge her pain, offer compassion, and grieve all those losses with her, she still needed that! Since I
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