12 steps modified
Hope and tips for the dementia caregiver
or care home social worker, websites and online blogs. I visited many dementia blogs and websites in the middle of the When you cross deep rivers, I will be night and would receive love and support with you, and you won’t drown. When from other dementia caregivers from all you walk through fire, you won’t be over the world. Did it fix the situation? burned or scorched by the flames. I am No. However, we can keep going knowing the Lord, your God, the Holy One of we are loved and we’re not alone. Israel, the God who saves you. But you will be alone more than you – Isaiah 43:2-3 realize. Your friends and family may feel awkward and even afraid of your loved Everywhere are 12-step programs for one’s illness. They don’t want to acknowlalcohol, drugs, co-dependence, gambling edge that in this fallen world, this could and more, but I used the 12-steps, eshappen to them. It has nothing to do with pecially the first three, to cope with my you. Don’t take it on. Enlist their help. husband’s Lewy Body Dementia. The They’ll feel relieved and glad to support 12-steps are based on a spiritual program in the way that they can. For instance, and complement the Scriptures very well, they can pick up prescriptions or grocerespecially when coping with a terminal ies. Mow the lawn. Babysit your loved one disease like dementia. I used the 12-step so you can take a well-deserved nap. Pick program and some of its suggestions to up some takeout. Provide transportation navigate this darkness. Some examples to the doctor. include: Ask a trusted, nonjudgmental 1. Admitted we were powerless over friend to just listen to you. Not fix alcohol and that our lives have become the situation. They can’t. They can be unmanageable. I substituted the word a companion in your dementia journey. “alcohol” with the frightening word They may not know what to say. That’s “dementia”. We are powerless. Dementia okay. Sharing your experience and feeldoes make life very unmanageable. God The author’s husband took this photo of his wife, Barbara Hinther, with her horse Pete. Barbara’s spouse ings helps educate our communities, is with us. suffered from Lewy Body Dementia. churches and synagogues. It reminds the 2. Came to believe that a Power (I community just how lonely caregiving is. inserted God) greater than ourselves They, too, may be there someday. Telling your story shines a could restore us to sanity. The dementia caregiver doubts light on the unique and stressful challenges of being a caregivtheir own sanity while navigating this horrible and terminal er. I had an older, faithful dog that listened and comforted too. illness, especially at the end of the journey. Don’t discount the help of a faithful pet. 3. Made a decision to turn our will and our lives over to Local churches are willing to help. Fear of being the care of God as we understand Him. This is very difficult! overcome by well-meaning converts may make you hesitate. My will was to have a healthy and present spouse. God’s will Choose a faith/church you are somewhat familiar with. is never for harm. Our enemy’s is. The enemy has been called Keep a journal. You may share it someday with another the Father of Lies and a murderer. Faith will be tested. This is caregiver. The best healers are wounded healers. Our Savior the heartbreak of living in a fallen world. was wounded for our sake and can relate to your suffering. Notice that these first three steps are about you, your emoYou will be on alert. Frazzled. PTSD-like. Tempted to drink tional, physical and spiritual health first and foremost. It must too much, shop too much, eat too much and more. Anything be. Your loved one needs a healthy caregiver. As has been said for immediate relief. When you do, forgive yourself, love youron countless airplanes before departure: put YOUR oxygen self, have compassion for yourself and pray. mask on first. These first three steps give us a foundation and Forgive, when you are able, those that abandon you. faith to cope. It happens. That’s another unforeseen challenge that happens Caring for your loved one with dementia, like the 12-step program, is a one-day-at-a-time process. Again, it must be. We to the caregiver. You don’t want to add resentment to your trial. must live in the present. There is a popular book called the The Serenity Prayer is another help I used, courtesy of the “36-Hour Day”, which describes the practical challenges of 12-step program. I used it daily and sometimes hourly. dementia caregiving. Our days are 36 hours or more. God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot The financial worries, the decision to commit your loved one to a care home or hospice, the midnight crises are too much to change, the courage (and it takes lots of courage) to change the things I can and the wisdom to know the difference. take on alone. God walks with you. You can’t always feel His Until there is a cure, my heart and prayers are with you, felpresence, but He’s there. God cares for you, so turn all your low caregivers. n worries over to him (1 Peter 5:7). The 12-step program also stresses outside help. With the Barbara Hinther is the author of “Meditations and Encourlock-downs and isolation due to the coronavirus, help is still available. You may contact your local Office on Aging, hospital agement for the Caregiver of a Loved One With Dementia.” She may be reached at barbarahinther@gmail.com. By Barbara Hinther
28 May / June 2021 | Christian Living
www.christianlivingmag.com
