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INTRODUCTION A SMILE DOESN’T COST A CENT, BUT IT GAINS A LOT OF INTEREST Have you heard the one about the “closing hymn”? If you’re wondering if the “closing hymn” reminds you of one of Joel Osteen’s favorite jokes, you’ve heard well — I feel your eagerness. But before I share it with you or tell you this favorite let me say… Every day is a gift from God and if that doesn’t excite you about today being a day to celebrate, then, what truly brings you joy? So, a preacher was winding up his temperance sermon with great fervor: "If I had all the beer in the world, I'd take it and throw it into the river." And the congregation cried, "Amen!" "If I had all the wine in the world, I'd take it and throw it into the river." And the congregation cried "Amen!" "If I had all the whiskey and demon rum in the world, I'd take it all and throw it into the river." And the congregation cried "Hallelujah!" The preacher sat down. The song leader stood very tentatively and announced: "For our closing song, let us sing Hymn # 365: “Shall We Gather at the River." The preacher may have sat down; however, we’re led to believe it’s no joking matter that the assembly will be jumping for joy when they gather at the river. The Problem for Which This Book Provides an Answer Does life feel like it’s mediocre? You’re working hard, making good money, and your health is good. Yet, like eating foods that aren't filling or satisfying and, worse, have no nutritional value, life may feel like “empty calories.” A lot of things are like that — we participate in activities hoping to have a good time, but in the end, they leave us feeling miserable. Happiness is temporary and based on circumstances; joy is everlasting, regardless of the circumstances. Is your joy full today? When something is full, there really isn’t room for anymore. It’s a feeling of complete fulfillment. What’s your pleasure — wine, women [men] and song? What takes you to your happy place (see Appendix A) — happy songs, happy days, happy anniversaries, happy holidays, happy dances, happy meals, happy birthdays, happy endings and happy New Years? Bro, too many people drag through the day with a sour attitude and no enthusiasm. They hardly ever smile. As a matter of fact, they never laugh anymore — the average child laughs 200 times per day, and the average adult laughs 14 times a day. Everything is a burden. People have sad dispositions, seem less than giddy or wake up grouchy. They feel frustrated, on edge, aggravated, uptight, stressed or feel people push their buttons. God never created us to endure life; He created us to enjoy life and have unbridled joy (see Appendices B and C)! Sis, we’re not supposed to go around with long faces — negative, discouraged, and grumpy. Whether you receive these rib-tickling Christian jokes as a believer or a speaker retelling them to your targeted audience, these short, clean jokes are just to make you laugh. Double the pleasure, double the fun! They will help you radiate joy instead of faked happiness.
Why This Book is Important to Read As believers, you and I are expected to be the most joyful people on Earth. Right? People may ask, “Why are they so joyful? They must be high!” Yes, Lord — that’s just savage, hardcore Christian living! But I want to take it a step further. Everywhere we go, we should be so full of joy that we brighten other people’s days. A smile doesn’t cost a cent, but it gains a lot of interest. This is the day the Lord has made; we will rejoice and be glad in it. (Psalm 118:24 NKJV) You have the joy of the Lord! Avoid wasting a lot of time hemming and hawing. Good luck with getting your joy back! Before we learn how we can take charge of our own happiness, let’s first understand that I Like to Start with Something Funny is all about over 100 reliable clean, short, jokes lock, stock, and barrel. They’re hilarious! Regardless if you’re receiving (e.g., listening, reading, etc.) or sending (e.g., joke telling, presenting, etc.), they are ice breakers! You’ll get a big delight in every comical joke read or told. They are to make us laugh and they also help to ensure our joy is full, complete, and glorify God. Framing — Unhappiness occurring every day you wake up In unpacking this book’s importance, you’ll discover the sequential organization in telling a funny joke — framing, telling, and responding. They parallel the main parts to a speech and attendance at a church “opening” (invitation to church), “body” (friend attends church), and “conclusion” (pastor clinches the deal). As we dig into this arrangement, these humorous jokes can be powerful weapons in your armory, especially when: -The speaker is naturally funny. -The enriching jokes add significance to the message, event, people, and the speaker. -The elevating jokes don’t detract from what you are trying to accomplish; people are able to focus on the message. Telling: Short, Clean Jokes that Break the Ice and Grab the Audience’s Attention Following the framing, the whimsical joke can be told straight from the “horses’’ mouth. A large number of preachers question whether they should tell a joke when they preach. However, one pastor who started banging his sermons with good-natured jokes is Joel Osteen, Senior Pastor of Lakewood Church, the largest Protestant church in the United States, in Houston, Texas. He is also widely known as “The Smiling Preacher” and a man who maintains a constant positive outlook in spite of circumstances. As an encourager and an uplifter, he’s down to earth and always touches viewers with a lighthearted joke and warm smile. If you’ve heard an inspirational pastor providing hope and speaking in a conversational tone on the television, Sirius XM radio or on-line podcast at least once, there’s a good chance you’ve been listening to or watching Joel Osteen. He likes to start his sermons with something funny and he has a collection of just humorous jokes in his wheelhouse. Of course, these little clever jokes are neither doctrinal nor theological — they are just to make us laugh. He’ll crack you up, say funny things, and he certainly doesn’t mangle the punchline. It doesn’t matter what medium you use to watch or listen to Joel; he’s a figure of fun every time. And I’m not pulling your chain. He is positive, he’s good and you can be “funny” too (that is, when retelling the best fit joke to your glee club, etc.).
How about you? Are you trying to be a comedian or want to break the ice for presentations at work or school? OK, no problem. Don’t worry about whether you will suck severely or get heckled, booed or jeered. Telling these good-hearted jokes won’t be trash, lame, or get you canceled — WHOMP WHOMP. These warmhearted jokes will result in joy-filled chuckles instead of a Debbie Downer or Negative Nancy outlook. Are you getting this? I promise when trying to tell these good-humored jokes to your family, friends, and co-workers, you won’t screw up, get stuck, have an “Oh, crap!” moment or say, “Oh, this is messed up. HELP anyone!” Satisfaction is guaranteed! Keep believing and you’ll experience big things — for real. You can be the big wig or big cheese and strike while the iron is hot! Yo, you got this. Start as an underdog and end as a champion; these cheery jokes will resonate and get a great response from family and friends! Like the 5 “Bs” of a presentation – Be Brief Brother (Baby), Be Brief — that’s an advantage of these short, clean jokes. Sweet — they help to keep your laugh shack set, concise, and effective! What do I mean? As icebreakers, they give you a leg up and support King Henry VIII’s statement to each of his seven wives, “I won’t keep you long.” Using your gift of the gab, you’ll be seriously laughing and having a happy day; you’ll have a field day and be a happy camper. Your squad will also roll with the punches and get a kick out of it; they will “get it” and “die” laughing! Hardy har har — imagine yourself telling these little, knee-slapping jokes. They’re analogous to having a good speech “opening” (invitation to church), “body” (friend attends church), and an inspirational “conclusion” (preacher as the finisher of a powerful message). As the “opening” of the message, the upbeat joke takes on the concept of primacy, pushing the envelope so that people remember most vividly what they hear at the beginning of a speech. Are you with me? The first minute is the key to grabbing the attention of your audience. It is when you introduce your communication, favorably engaging and drawing them to you and your point. Studies show the average attention span is 8 seconds. With these short, clean jokes, your highkey audience will be tuned in, ready, willing, and able to listen— they won’t bail. For real! As an icebreaker, the funny joke instantly grabs the interest of the witnesses with a limited time span for the upcoming sermon. As the punchline “closer,” the entertaining joke helps contribute to the concept of recency, extending to folks who will strongly recall what you say at the end. Are you following me? Let’s picture the comical joke’s role as one of a smiling church greeter, exhibiting a friendly welcome at the door, enabling the visitor or attendee to feel (at least the slightest bit) welcomed, and “preaching the sermon.” Like the greeter — the personification and the representative of the church, the lighthearted joke helps to set the entire tone of the presentation. Similarly, when it comes to persuading, inspiring or influencing your fans (e.g., “stans” — stalker fans), a priceless joke as your opening (punchline closer) is by far the most important moment of your delivery. It will help to lighten up, create an immediate bond and get viewers hyped and on your side — tuning in and being more receptive to your topic, reducing tension, and providing showbiz value to your talk. Thus, the jolly joke allows spectators to see you’re human and identify with you. It lets everybody in the room yuck it up and have some fun too. As a follower [of Christ], the good-spirited joke can also break the ice for your hungry parishioners to hear the Good News. From the start, you enlighten your listeners with a touch of
gentle humor. Then, in putting the icing on the cake, these good-hearted jokes add to an opportunity to express God’s love through Christ and help set the tone of the upcoming worship service. Responding: To Short, Clean Jokes Just to Encourage Laughter and Bring Joy After telling the humdinger joke, the expected response is laughter (see Appendix D) for your funny bones. The joke teller hopes the onlookers “get it” and are literally laughing their behinds off. He who laughs last, didn't get it. Conceptually, with the slapstick joke as the “punchline closer,” an “invitation” to accept Christ or what you’re presenting becomes the deciding moment. Thus, the impact of a playful joke (i.e. the punchline closer by the minister or you) and why I Like to Start with Something Funny is important; the jokes are all they’re cracked up to be. In your capacity as a beneficiary of these good-hearted jokes, this book will be a guiding light to God’s goodness and further take God’s vision of joy to the world! No matter what your circumstance, you’ll crack up when you read these sidesplitting jokes; they’ll send you joy and always keep a smile on your face — “Of all the things you wear, your expression is the most important” (Janet Lane-Claypon). How This Book Is Organized You can park your car on this medium, increasing your capacity to read I Like to Start with Something Funny for pleasure, knowledge, and information; reading doesn’t offer as many distractions as other mediums. Though reading this book is worth the wait, reading or telling these tested, short clean jokes delivers instant gratification. To get the most out of this book, its structure — “spiritual joy” and ‘nonspiritual humor — helps you to more easily return to certain parts and remember the content better. Believe me, these good, clean jokes will have your full thoughtfulness and keep you fully engrossed. They’re also further categorized to easily identify the protagonist who becomes the “butt,” mark or target of the zinger and who is being poked fun at, knocked or egged on. However, don’t expect to see bottom of the barrel food, diet or ethnic joke groups being rubbed in or jokes that make you cringe. Your get-together will be infectiously laughing so hard that their cheeks will hurt or feel tickled pink and may say, “You’re so crazy (or cray-cray – slang for “crazy” … in a nice way)!” When deciding to retell these laughable jokes, you can also navigate through the table of contents to choose your best-fit, short, clean joke to retell to your targeted crowd. You get me? They’re a quick read. While the effect may be different when listening to them from Joel himself, like reading a book about Mount Everest, the outcome will be quite the cliffhanger. They will break the routine of a dry, monotonous, mundane day and amuse you and your gathering. I have a deal for you — a deal I do not believe you can refuse. When reading for personal edification and entertainment, you’ll love all of these hilarious jokes and want more of them. You’ll dislike getting to the end of the book. Carry this book, your pride and joy, whenever, wherever — at home, work or on the go. Arguably, it’s better than the joy of sex. You’ll gain the advantage of being able to read these crafty jokes and relive the experiences over and over again. These “nuggets of funny” are permanent and real. That’s so not funny (full of stuff). When reading for spiritual formation and growth, you can also expect to start your day off in faith. These enlightening jokes will give you the strength and happiness to make your day
enjoyable. Just like your favorite song or hymn, these inspiring jokes can help uplift and carry you through troubled times. Just like a choir and music ministry, in effect, these edifying jokes help to usher in the Spirit, stay connected and in the realm of God while still having fun. When and Where to Go from Here Before presenting these clean, safe jokes to make you laugh or maybe blush, I hope the introduction revealed what I Like to Start with Something Funny is all about. You “get it”: the sequential organization in telling a joke – framing, telling and responding. The pattern parallels the main parts to a speech and attendance at a church — “opening” (invitation to church), “body” (friend attends church), and “conclusion” (pastor seals the deal). These happy-go-lucky jokes will also help to provide an incredible first-time impression to your public where they live, work, play and pray. All right, you’re all set and ready to jump into this book. Jump for joy and dive in anywhere you like – the book was penned to allow you to do just that. But, if you want to get a head start on the quick-witted jokes, leap now to Chapter 1 – that’s where all the rolling on the floor laughter starts! Happy reading… as happy as a pig in mud or at the end of a workday on Friday! Laugh. Out. Loud!
CHAPTER 1 MALE WISECRACKS
I like to start with something funny. I heard about this man. He called the church office and said, “I want to speak to the ‘head hog at the trough.’” The secretary was offended. She said, ‘If you mean the pastor, you’re going to have to call him Pastor, but you may not call him the head hog at the trough.’ He said, ‘Well fine, I was thinking about making a five thousand dollar donation to your church. She said, ‘Hang on, Porky just walked in.’
I like to start with something funny. I heard about this man. He came up to a Baptist pastor. He said, Sir my dog just passed away. I was wondering if you could come to my house and have a funeral for him. The pastor seemed kind of annoyed and said Naw, I can’t do a funeral for a dog. The man said, ‘That’s too bad, I was thinking about making a five thousand dollar donation to your church.’ The pastor smiled and said, ‘Why didn’t you tell me your dog was Baptist.’
I like to start with something funny. I heard about this minister that was driving down the road. He looked down and accidentally veered off and went through a ditch and ended up crashing into a telephone pole. The man behind him pulled over and ran up to him, ‘Sir are you ok?’