Expanded family 3

Spring/Summer 2012

Volume 3

Expanded Family Magazine

“It t a k e s a Vi l l a g e t o ra i s e a C h i l d .”

Love&

-Anicent Chinese Proverb

Recovery

LOVE

•The Right Kind Of Love: How To Create Love That Is Truly Fulfilling By: Annie Hart

RECOVERY

•Recovery of Self: Reclaiming Your True Rescuer By: Dr Amy Crawford

Xpanded Family Defined - Xpanded (Expanded) family is any group that declares themselves to be a family. Legal and biological ties may be there, however, not necessary within the xpanded family dynamic.

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VOLUME 3

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Exposure to UVB from sunshine is the body’s natural way to produce vitamin D, accounting for 90 percent of vitamin D production. Dietary “supplements” are just that: Supplemental ways to produce vitamin D. Research has shown that people who utilize indoor tanning equipment that emits UVB – which most tanning equipment does – also produce vitamin D. And studies have also shown that indoor tanning clients have higher vitamin D blood levels than non-tanners. While the North American indoor tanning industry promotes itself as a cosmetic service, one undeniable side-effect of that cosmetic service is vitamin D production. Even though it is not necessary to develop a tan to produce vitamin D, this should be considered: Because research suggests that the risks associated with sun exposure are related to intermittent sunburns, it is credible to believe that the benefits of regular, moderate non-burning exposure outweigh the easily manageable risks associated with overexposure.

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T TABLE OF CONTENTS

able

of Contents

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• Publisher’s Note by: Christina Marie_________________PAGE 6 • Words of Wisdom from the 12- Step programs by: ML Meehan____________________PAGE 7 • Helping Children recover in difficult financial times

by Dr Kay Lesh___________________PAGE 9 • The Right Kind of Love: How To Create Love That Is Truly Fulfilling

by Annie Hart____________________PAGE 11 • Recovery of Self by: Dr Amy Crawford_______________PAGE 13 • Choosing Stillness over Chaos

by Annette Padilla_________________PAGE 15 • Are you sick and tired of being sick and tired? Then read this!”

by Mastin Kipp___________________PAGE 20 • Anything to recover from or let go of

by Dr Elizabeth Webb______________PAGE 22 • Reconnecting through Support Groups

by Bill Fulton_____________________PAGE 23 • Loving someone comes in many different forms

by Claudette Chenevert_____________PAGE 24 • Anchoring: Letting the Dust Settle

by Christina Marie _________________________PAGE 26 • Creating a Vision: A Stepfathers Journey By: Sean Pyka_________________________PAGE 28 • “Can Athletics Bridge the Gap To- Belief in Self?”

By: Eric Mitchell_________________________PAGE 30 • At The End of The Day

by Leah Stauffer _________________________PAGE 31

EXPANDED FAMILY MAGAZINE

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Love VOLUME 3

INSPIRATIONAL QUOTE

“It’s impossible” said pride.

“It’s risky” said experience.

“It’s pointless” said reason.

“Give it a try” whispered the heart - Anonymous “Do you want to meet the love of your life?

Look in the mirror.”

-Byron Katie

"To love oneself is the beginning of a lifelong romance” -Oscar Wilde

and Recovery

INSPIRATIONAL QUOTE

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“If you’re going through hell, keep going” -Winston Churchhill

“When one door closes, another opens; but we often look so long and so regretfully upon the closed door that we do not see the one which has opened for us. “ – Alexander Graham Bell

“We must let go of the life we had planned so as to have the life that is waiting for us” - Joseph Campbell

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PUBLISHER’S NOTE

“There are 35 million Americans in the US today who are remarried and an additional 36 million Americans who are divorced or widowed (possibly finding themselves in a remarriage at some point)” US census, 2007. 60% of second marriages and 73% of third marriages end in divorce; U.S. Bureau of the Census, 2006.

It is estimated, by this year, 2010, the majority of families in the US will be stepfamilies. Larry L Bumpass- a professor of the University of Wisconsin states “50% of ALL women, not just mothers, are likely to live in a stepfamily relationship, when we include living-together families in our definition of the stepfamily.”

Publisher's Note Dear Xpanded Family Magazine Readers,

Wisdom, Finance, Self, Love of self, loving others, Stillness, Fulfillment, support groups, love languages, Vision, Athletics, Letting the dust settle-WOW! That’s what’s “inside” this issue. Once again, our contributors amaze me!!! In addition to this, one of the things I become present to, and find fascinating about XFM - when I finish reading all the articles is: the universal quality of our magazine. Any person (xpanded or not) can benefit from the wisdom, healing and Inspirational qualities XFM’s articles have to offer. Before you embark on the journey of reading this issue, I invite you to take a moment and read McKenzie Ballou’s words (taken from our first issue) because this (to me) embodies “Love and “Recovery.”

"The opportunity of building community around an expanded definition of family is the opportunity to hold love up to the light, together – to facilitate a truly free choice in the expression of love.

The power of this invitation is simple - rather than let the definition of family determine the expression of love, let the expression of love determine the definition of family." ~McKenzie Ballou Happy Reading!

Love and Peace, Christina Marie

WORDS OF WISDOM

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Words of Wisdom from the 12-Step Programs By: ML Meehan

Anyone who has spent time in the welcoming arms of 12-Step Programs has a favorite slogan.

These little sayings are both simple and complex. Though short and easy to remember, entire meetings are devoted to what they mean and how they apply to the lives of the speaker and the attendees. Do a Google search and you’ll hit upon many lengthy lists of recovery slogans. I’ve chosen a few which have helped me in my life. My years in Al-Anon taught me how to apply these little gems in any challenging situations in life. With the help of some recovering friends from a variety of 12-Step Programs, some of whom are in expanded families, too, we’ve hopefully given you some food for thought.

One Day At A Time Okay, sometimes, it’s just hard to get out of bed! The 12-Step Programs teach you to look at your life for just one day, only 24 hours at a time. When you’re hurting and dealing with raw emotions, the rest of your life may be endless and overwhelming. For one day, you can handle it. Just for today, you can manage the kids’ playdates. For one day, you can make healthy relationship choices.

Today, you can be civil to her. It’s only one day…

Live and Let Live There needs

to be a lot of letting go and letting them live their lives in extended families. It is easy but unhealthy for you to become judgmental. Ron explained that after years in recovery, he has expectations that his stepson should behave better. He gets angry at the verbal abuse his wife gets from her son, and uses the slogan Live and Let Live to “make the best of it on a regular basis.” It helps his anger dissipate, and helps him let her handle it.

Change Is a Process So, you’re

reading all these articles and you feel like you’ll never get there! First, reread #1 on this list! You won’t get it all today. You’re traveling on the right road though. Learn to enjoy the ride, appreciating the everchanging scenery of your life as it is now. If the mom you are today is a little more loving than she was last month, rejoice in your process of healing. If he doesn’t make you furious this time when he changes the kids’ schedule yet again, the process is working in your life. “Change is a

EXPANDED FAMILY MAGAZINE

process, not a destination,” a career counselor once told me. Every step, even the little baby steps, takes you towards a healthier you.

Easy Does It. This is one of those phrases we hear used in different contexts. Carrying the plywood in from the car, I’m told, “Easy does it” as I cross the threshold.

It means I should be careful. As my son’s teammate comes off the basketball court in a foul-induced huff, his coach calls, “Easy does it!”

This means to calm down. So what does it mean to an expanded family reader? We are often our harshest critics. When we are surrounded with criticism, or when we marry someone who puts us down, we start to believe we’re not worthy of love and respect. Our self-talk mimics what we’ve experienced.

Have you ever called yourself a nasty name? Think about that!

Easy Does It reminds me to be gentle with myself, with the problem I’m obsessing over, with the people in my life. As with the piece of plywood, I can be careful with myself. Like the coach’s advice, I can calm down. Where in your life can this slogan help you?

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Live in the Now Lisa found it

strange at first when her father remarried and had children with another wife. She realized later that her father was never really comfortable in her family home. Perhaps because of her mother’s “stronger than life” personality, he couldn’t be his mellow self. His new wife was a quieter presence in the home. “I found myself stepping out of the past into the present, and being grateful my father had this calmer family,” Lisa explained. “It felt real when I was there.” When she was able to live in the now, she could appreciate her time with his new wife, their children, and this new side of her dad that had always been present, but remained hidden in her past with him.

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Have an Attitude of Gratitude

The rhyme helps me remember this one, especially when I’m whining about a petty little issue with the hubby. I might chant it, first with gritted teeth, until I hear what I’m saying and try it on for size. Greg, a grateful father of two boys, explained how this slogan has helped him through his divorce. He’s thankful for the program and his recovery.

Keeping an attitude of gratitude is important in his family because “it’s great for the kids.”

Let Go and Let God Growing up in an alcoholic family, Nancy became very controlling in her adult life. She shared, “I was afraid if I was not in control, it would all blow up!

It was frightening letting go, but I

WORDS OF WISDOM

had faith. It was great to see it work out all right with God in charge.”

She remembers applying this slogan when her husband left her. She would call him to check in and try to stay connected. “When I let go and turned it over to God, things got a lot better for me.” She eventually stopped calling him and went on to be a strong, independent woman.

There are many more recovery slogans that can benefit you, if none of these hit home for you. Do that Google search I mentioned in the first paragraph. Find the healthy little words of wisdom that will change YOUR life, and have a positive effect on your relationships and family, too.

FINANCIAL TIMES

VOLUME 3

Helping Children Recover in Difficult Financial Times

A

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By: Dr. Kay Lesh

s parents, one of our most important jobs is to protect our children. We want them to grow up secure in the knowledge that they can depend on us to keep them safe. Sometimes, even with the best intentions, we can go too far in our efforts and end up shielding our children from reality. So, instead of protecting them, we keep them from developing some of the skills they need to grow up to be healthy adults. This can be especially true when we face financial difficulties in our families. With our country’s economy on a downturn right now, many families are experiencing hard times. The money just doesn’t go as far as it used to or there is simply less of it. There may be other issues as well; a job loss, the need for a second income, or budget constraints due to stock market fluctuations.

As parents we are not sure just how much information we want to share with our children about any financial struggles we are experiencing.

When a parent is laid off, which is happening with more frequency today than in any time in recent memory, our first instinct as parents is to keep this information from our children. If the stay-at-home parent needs to return to work to supplement the family income or if

a family has been hit by the stock market decline leaving less disposable income available, parents have a tendency to want to shield children from these facts. These are adult problems, we think, and we don’t want our kids to worry. Our efforts are well meant, but the results aren’t always what we hoped for.

The Company Man, a recent movie, tells the story of a family’s struggle when the father is unexpectedly laid off from his job. The parents work hard to keep this information from their children and try to maintain the fiction that nothing has changed in their lives. But something has changed, and the children are aware of it. Both parents are tense and snap at each other. The mother begins to talk about returning to work. Past luxuries, previously taken for granted, are no longer possible.

The children’s lives are different, and the family atmosphere has changed. So, in spite of the parents’ best efforts to keep the information about Dad’s job loss a secret, the kids know that something is wrong.

They don’t know what it is, but they feel it. They know that their family is in trouble. In the film, the son mistakenly believes that his parents are getting a divorce because that is what is happening with some of his friends’ parents. He frets about this possibility and begins to act out at school and at home. Finally, he

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tearfully confronts his dad about his fears, and angrily demands to be told the truth. He is old enough to know what is happening, he maintains. Dad realizes that his efforts to protect his son have been misguided.

He explains the family situation, and instead of being frightened, the boy is relieved because the real situation is so much less terrible than he had feared.

An important truth that we as parents need to remember is that in the absence of accurate information, our children are likely to try to put the pieces together and come up with inaccurate conclusions. There is an old saying that children are excellent observers, but lousy interpreters.

Because they don’t have the adult ability to understand situations, they put their own spin on what they think is happening. Not only are their interpretations inaccurate, the scenarios they can imagine are frequently much worse than what is actually going on.

Telling the truth about a family’s financial struggles is usually the best option.

Here are some suggestions for talking to kids about financial stresses and set backs.

Do give age appropriate information. Take your child’s age and emotional maturity into consideration.

What you tell a 5-year old will be different from what you tell an 11-

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FINANCIAL TIMES

year old. It is similar to talking to children about sex. You tell them as much as they are old enough to understand, knowing that you can expand on the information when they are older. But do tell them something. They need to know what is happening in their family.

Do reassure your children that as parents, you have the situation under control and you have a plan for coping. Your children need to know that you are in charge and will do your best for the family. Of course, they already know that, but just now, they need reassurance.

Do keep them posted on what is happening. If a parent is job hunting, for example, children can hear about some of the possibilities the parent is exploring. This is an opportunity to model

and try not to paint the situation as deprivation. And, do emphasize that this is a temporary measure.

Do use budgeting efforts as a learning experience. If your grocery budget is limited, for example, explain that to your children. That doesn’t mean there won’t be any treats, but it might mean that the family needs to make more careful choices. Perhaps each child could select one favorite item to go on the grocery list. You can use this as a time to build the child’s ability to make wise choices, and set priorities.

Do keep up your own optimism because children take their cues from the adults in their lives. The message you want to present is not that this is a terrible calamity but that this is a challenge that the family will meet together.

Do trust in your child’s resilience.

Children usually surprise us with their ability to handle tough situations if they have a loving family backing them up.

Do have faith in your family to pull together in times of trouble and come out stronger as a result. This may sound like a cliché, but clichés have staying power because there is some truth in them. You can use a difficult situation to make your family stronger.

As much as we would like to, we can’t shield our children from difficult times. Life is full of ups and downs, good times and bad times.

And, the reality is that shielding our children too much hampers their growth and can limit their ability to cope in the real world as they become adults. So, trust your children to handle the truth. You can be honest about family financial issues and then demonstrate how a strong, loving family can overcome adversity by pulling together. Confidence in their ability to recover from difficult times, including financial setbacks, is one of the best gifts we can give our children.

how to take a set back in stride.

Kids need to know that most problems have solutions.

Do enlist their cooperation in working together on family finances. The youngest child can understand that some purchases may need to be put off until the family situation improves, or that the family will be eating at home more often than before. Present the information in a matter of fact manner,

RIGHT KINF OF LOVE

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The “Right” Kind Of Love: How To Create Love That Is Truly Fulfilling By: Annie Hart

W

A common scenario? Unfortunately, yes.

When we first meet and fall in love, we are generous, giving, and kind. Then our “well runs dry,” and we begin to expect more and receive less. This happens so gradually that we barely notice it. The water must be refilled from some source.

You may think that the source comes from the other person, but instead it must come from you.

The right side of love is about giving, and the left side is about receiving. Generally, when we think of love, we refer to the left side, or what we get from another person.

Just ask anyone what they love about another person, and they’ll usually say, “He makes me feel…” or “She gives me…”

Both are aspects of receiving. Receiving isn’t necessarily wrong, because if we did not receive anything at all, we would not survive. But what happens in most relationships is that we start out on the right side of love – generous, sharing, and giving – and end up with a dry well, just expecting to receive.

Jim and Lisa love each other, so why is there a problem? Consider this: Are they focused on giving love, or getting love?

As an analogy, faucet water has to come in from somewhere in order to come out of the spigot. Thankfully, it normally comes out! Similarly, love has to come from somewhere in order for it to be received.

Imagine if water didn’t come out of your faucet you started yelling at it: “What’s the matter with you? You aren’t as generous you used to be!” Sounds ridiculous, right? That’s what we do when our spouse or partner doesn’t do what we want or seems less giving or generous. It’s a general habit to blame the other person, which obviously leads to even less love.

e all want more love in our lives. Love is like a food we constantly crave. How do we get more love? And if love is so important to our well-being, why do we feel so deprived of it so often?

Let’s look at Jim and Lisa. Lisa has a busy life filled with positive activities.

But many of her feelings are negative, primarily those toward Jim for coming home late or not bringing her flowers like he used to. Jim, on the other hand, works his buns off to pay for their nice home, nice car, and a nice family vacation. He thinks he’s doing all the right things for Lisa, and he doesn’t understand why she’s always upset.

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How do we get out of this bad habit?

If the well runs dry, you need to go to the source inside of you. Think about how you feel when you do something nice for someone. It feels great, right? In other words, we receive when we give.

I know we know this, but we don’t LIVE like we know it. We expect love to come our way. We expect someone to love us just because we have a ring on our finger and said “I do.” It doesn’t work that way.

The water well doesn’t want to give to the faucet because of some contract or obligation. The water runs naturally toward its outlet because of the flow of nature itself.

Love and generosity are in our true nature. We have just forgotten how to live this way. Watch a baby, and you will see what I mean. Yes, they receive a certain amount of love, care, and nutrition, but they are tapped into an ongoing circuit of sharing. This is what truly fulfills us.

Think about what you are giving, generating, and sharing – not just in actions, but also in thoughts and perceptions. Your mindset is the most important part. Jim, for instance, often begrudgingly does things for Lisa just to make her happy.

Begrudging doesn’t count as love.

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Love is open, warm, natural, easy, generous, and flowing. You know when you feel it, and you know when you don’t. Rather than waiting for it to be poured into your life, be your own source of water, and let it flow out from you to everyone else.

Then you will not be as prone to addictions, disappointments, and the ongoing frustration that life or someone owes you anything. You decide what you want: true fulfillment or ongoing disappointment. Waiting for love to come to you is a sure recipe for unhappiness.

We all feel we need love, but we don’t actually need to receive it.

Instead, we need to give it. Just like we have good daily habits such as brushing our teeth, we can make generating love part of our everyday behavior. We never yell at our toothbrush for not being generous enough or not fulfilling our needs. If we only treated our love partners as kindly as we do our toothbrushes, maybe our world would be more peaceful!

RIGHT KIND OF LOVE

We’re all confused about receiving love. It’s not our fault. Fairy tales of modern times focus more on what we receive than what we give. That is why love in the real world ultimately disappoints us. Fulfillment is an absolute guarantee when we put love into giving rather than receiving.

Jim comes home; Lisa is smiling and remembering everything she loves about him. She puts her focus on his care and wellbeing. He puts his on hers. They have a different evening, every single day of the week. It takes constant effort to do it this way.

It is much harder because we must stretch our love muscle in the right direction. But it is well worth the effort.

RECOVERY OF SELF

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Recovery of Self: Reclaiming your True Rescuer

by Amy Crawford, PhD, LMFT Recovery of Self: Reclaiming your True Rescuer By: Amy Crawford, PhD, LMFT Vanessa walks in for her weekly session with tears in her eyes. She has done it again. Fumbling with the ever present temptation of spreading herself too thinly and then feeling poorly about the outcome; full of anger, sadness, betrayal and regret towards herself and those whom she made her offerings. Kleenex in hand, she shares that she signed up to coach her daughter’s soccer team despite having no time, took an unpaid day off of work to take her mother-in-law to the doctor, spent endless hours on the phone with a friend getting a divorce who never once asked how she is doing and cannot believe her step-son has chosen to move in with his biological mom with no regard for “everything I’ve done for him.” Vanessa went through her week in typical fashion as many of us do, all of this tending to others with no consideration for self.

As a psychotherapist I see it all too often, the propensity to jump to another’s rescue, to take on too much and to bleed emotionally for others. This not only has the potential to be a deeply personal sacrifice, but ultimately a disservice to the receiver as well. When we have gone down this seemingly compassionate slippery slope, how do we recover a sense of self, one that includes healthy boundaries and loving at an arms distance? How do we recover

our self?

From a depth psychological perspective, we can view this unrelenting pattern of rescuing others archetypally. An archetype can be defined as an innate potential pattern of imagination, thought, or behavior that can be found within all human beings at all times and places in history. They go beyond the conscious level and reside deeply in the belly of the unconscious as mental or behavioral psychic patterns that are common to the entire human species. Archetypes and their images are most easily found and explored in the dreams of individuals and in cultural materials such as myths, fairy tales and religious symbols.

These avenues provide us with a means of metaphorically understanding the archetypes which then gives us information on seeing them in action in our personal lives.

The rescuer is one of the most powerful archetypes we have. It is easily recognized in that desire of being useful to others. There are many beautiful and positive traits of this archetype such as: an altruistic unconditional call to service, strength, courage, compassion and idealistic dedication. However, it does have a shadow side as well. This shows itself when the intention behind the help is not pure and when there is an underlying expectation of gratitude or indebtedness that ensues as a result of the offering.

The rescuer archetype can manifest itself in maladaptive ways in

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relationships. It too can be used to avoid our own emotional and spiritual work. A true rescuer has the ability to sense when genuine help is needed and when it is not.

It takes skill in recognizing when someone needs to fall on their own.

By not allowing those in our community of concern an opportunity to rescue themselves, we only enable their dependence and this can be a disservice. There are valuable lessons learned in independent self-rescue.

A quick assist and a speedy withdrawal once help is rendered to the party in need are characteristic of an authentic rescuer whereas long term rescuing in relationships can be considered codependent. Chronic rescuing is toxic to both self and others and becomes an unhealthy language of affection and neediness.

This dynamic exists in many relationships. If stuck in the shadow side of this archetype, when the rescuer doesn’t feel needed, they interpret it as not being loved. The shadow side of rescuing shows itself passively as a cloaked code of love and that of being needed. A dysfunctional rescuer will either consciously or unconsciously go to great lengths to help others and give all that they can mostly in an attempt to be loved or rescued in return. In essence, if the things we do to help or be supportive are not from a pure place when they get overlooked by the receiver or are not reciprocated we feel hurt and often resentful.

The challenge of the rescuer is

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to develop the intuition in knowing the difference between healthy rescuing and that which is codependent. This archetype is not simply about rescuing others, the most important task is to rescue the self. If this task is not met with open arms, self betrayal occurs as well as emotional and spiritual annihilation.

This betrayal can turn into resentment and anger which impedes progress towards one’s greater purpose.

Being needed, feeling valuable and wanting to help is essential to being human. As parents, lovers, friends and caretakers it is an easy pattern to fall into and as a result we can end up putting ourselves second. Herein lies the emotional crux of the rescuer archetype; how to heal and empower without getting swept up into the codependent shadows.

Questions to reflect upon: • What is your motivation in offering help?

• Is your intention genuine or an unconscious attempt to feel validated and/or get back love and nurturance in return?

• When you “rescue”, are you quick to help and as quick to withdraw or do you relish in the act, remaining invested longer than needed?

• Can you tell the difference between healthy versus unhealthy rescuing?

• Are you ever resentful for offering too much of yourself because you are sacrificing your own needs?

• Is it based on obligation and as a result feel guilty in saying ‘no”?

• Can you let others struggle with issues that only they can tend to without feeling helpless?

Honestly reflecting upon the above questions can build awareness into potentially unhealthy patterns of rescuing. In addition, acquiring a practice of compassionate abiding can be an asset in holding the space and empathy for someone without compromising your sense of self or being a disservice to their process.

Compassionate abiding, a concept cultivated by Pema Chodron, Buddhist Nun and teacher, is a means of freeing ourselves from old habits and fears. Through compassionate abiding, we lean into the feelings exactly where we are without judgment. This nurtures unconditional acceptance for ourselves and those

RECOVERY OF SELF

around us. Compassionate abiding allows healing and recovery of self while teaching the valuable skill of compassion from a distance which minimizes the urge to rescue. It is a very simple and direct means to unravel old habits.

To practice this (and it does take practice), when feeling hooked by a negative pull, such as the one to dysfunctionally rescue, breathe into the intense feeling and reactive nature. See the feeling for what it is, without judgment. Hold the experience, hold the parts of yourself you are not proud of. Following your breath, opening up to the feeling, be present with it, not pushing it away.

As you breathe out, allow space to gently surround the uncomfortable feeling, letting the tension relax. Continuing this for a few moments as a way to ventilate the discomfort gives you the power to catalyze a negative feeling or habit into one of warmth.

Poor choices and loss of self occur when we cannot abide with the intensity of feeling and instinctive reaction.

This same process can be applied towards the person you are being tempted to jump into rescuer mode for. If you are inclined to dip your toes into the shadowy waters of the archetype, hold the image of the person you wish to help and breathe into that; following the same principles from above. Be present with their need, their suffering and your impulse to rescue and over time that impulse will soften. The practice of compassionate abiding helps develop unconditional regard towards self and others while maintaining healthy boundaries. This form of compassion is fundamental in the recovery of self!

For more information, questions or comments you may contact Amy through www.amyleecrawford.com.

STILLNESS OVER CHAOS

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Choosing Stillness Over Chaos

By Annette Padilla

It’s Monday morning. Like a screaming thunder that startles the chickens, your alarm goes off. It’s 5 a.m. Your first thought: “There is no way I’m going to see my personal trainer today.” In the darkness, you flop out of bed. You remember your choice to go to sleep at 2 a.m. as you moan with regret, wishing you had turned off the TV at 10 p.m.

The self-created chaos begins.

Rushing off without breakfast, you skid into the Starbucks drive-through for a lemon loaf and a frappuccino and zoom off to work hoping to beat the clock, stressed all the way there, in traffic. Arriving a few minutes late while brushing off lemon loaf crumbs, you run for the clock. Finally settling into your desk, you find an ominous stack of paperwork growling at you. You plow through the morning fueled by that one frappuccino and lemon loaf. Sometime mid-morning, you add on a 5-hour energy drink for good measure.

It’s now lunchtime. You pick the nearest slop joint and shovel down a burger (after all, it is the daily special), wash it down with a soda, and chew the fat among your co-workers about your terrible day.

Then it’s “back to the grind.” 3 p.m. rolls around, and you’re sluggish. You’re ready to nap on top of your desk due to the overloaded burger. That’s in spite of the 5-hour energy drink. So you down another 5-hour energy drink.

When 5 p.m. finally arrives, it’s like the starting gate at the Kentucky Derby. You’re off… off to pick up the kids in two counties and drop them off at their practices. They’re starving, but hey, you gave them money this morning.

During their practices, you squeeze in a much-needed oil change and a quick stop to Mc Donald’s for one child, Carl’s Jr. for another, and Subway for yet another. They won’t eat anything you make, and who has time to cook anyway?

As you pick up the kids from their practices, you throw their bags of food to them. You’re homeward bound. You blaze through the kids’ homework and get them to bed.

With great intentions, you pack your gym bag for the morning and hurry to sneak in a little “me” time on Facebook. Before you know it, it’s 2 a.m., and you finally go to sleep.

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VOLUME 3

Tuesday is a repeat of Monday. You have single-handedly created a daily habit of stress. Each day continues like the day before it. When Friday arrives, another 5-hour energy drink goes down the hatch! You wrap up the day with Happy Hour, even though you had just 3 hours of sleep the night before. You arrive home from Happy Hour to do a face-plow in a heap of dehydration, booze, and chicken wings.

Saturday morning is tournament time for the kids (that’s 56 miles one way). You have a day of watching doubleheaders, burning in the sun, drinking soda, and of course devouring post-game pizza. You have dinner plans that evening and must get ready. You jump in the shower, scrub off the 12 layers of sun block, and finish off the 5-hour energy drink you left open on the counter that morning.

When you return home from dinner at a crowd-pleasing 2 a.m., you feel like you’re ready to die.

But wait, Sunday is fun day! Your kids’ friends have birthday parties! You didn’t have time to get a gift, so in one fell swoop you gather the kids and whisk them off to Target.

With gifts in hand, you arrive, with relief, at the birthday parties. A 5-hour energy drink is in tow. When the day is finally done, it’s 10 p.m., and there you sit, with the choice to turn off the TV…

STILLNESS OVER CHAOS

Monday morning, 5 a.m. You are not going to see your personal trainer. “Oh well,” you say. “I’ll just go tomorrow.” However, you know full well it’s just a good intention.

You may say I’m being dramatic, but am I? You continually invite and embrace a life equivalent to that of a dog chasing its tail. You engage in “activities” that make you think you’re accomplishing much. However, you’re actually creating a life where you self-sabotage, yearn, overeat, pray, beg, cry, and self-loathe. Each painful experience is one right after the other. You’ve constructed such an edifice that it now feels “normal.”

To suppress the emotional pain, you increase the level of noise by adding things like a new haircut or a new wardrobe that you cannot afford. Maybe you join a book club or start dance lessons, only to quit shortly after. Maybe you buy a Harley which you eventually list on eBay. Maybe you’re distracted by spiritual gurus, tattoos, fad diets, meetup groups, or dating websites where the sabotage is already built in.

You look up to the sky, shake your fists, and scream, “What is all this ‘authentic you’ nonsense? I don’t find ANY of it, and I’ve done everything!” You’re beyond exhausted. You now firmly believe you don’t have time for a relationship,

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and you’ll always be in debt with your finances, physical beauty, and attention from others. You’re especially missing love.

I am exhausted for you! The amazing news is that there IS a solution. It’s “stillness.” Turn off your cell phone, computer, and TV. Choose water over a 5-hour energy drink.

And despite the “new age” sound to it, try yoga. A small book that’s highly recommended on Amazon – Getting Into The Vortex: Guided Meditations – offers you a guided tour to stillness. Best yet, the meditation takes only 15 minutes.

Seek out moments where you can go to stillness. It’s peaceful, it’s enlightening, and it’s paving the way for you to see and be with “you,” the authentic you. You’ll find that if you don’t get your stillness fix, you feel the disconnect very quickly. You realize you need more stillness! The drug of stillness is a great one.

At this exact moment, you might not fathom how you, as a single mom, can “stop the noise.” You might think I don’t understand, but I do. I am just further along the path of silence. The more I am in it, the more comfort, peace, and

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balance I experience. I find I am no longer cutting myself off from a life of abundance. I find myself choosing my emotions (I LOVE knowing I can change my attitude at any given time!). YOU HAVE THE POWER to be, do, and have whatever you desire – but it can come only when there is less noise.

Be kind to yourself. Ask for help and guidance from your higher power and the powers that surround you daily – people! We are angels to and for each other. The more relief you feel, the closer you are to the connection to you.

When we find our own stillness within ourselves, there is no reason to hunt, want, hurt, or live in lack. From there, your light will shine automatically, and you will draw in that loving, fruitful relationship. You will wake up every day with purpose and passion, and it just gets better. Like anything else, it takes practice. Soon your “stressful weeks” will no longer exist, because you have found your balance.

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VOLUME 3

BOOK RECOMMENDATIONS

B O O K R E C O M M E N DATI O N S F R O M C O N TR I B U TO R S

BOOK RECOMMENDATIONS

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B O O K R E C O M M E N DATI O N S F R O M C O N TR I B U TO R S

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VOLUME 3

SICK AND TIRED

Are You Sick & Tired Of Being Sick & Tired?

Then Read This!

By: Mastin Kipp

You know, if you think about it, there will ALWAYS be a reason to wait for change. Not this week, there’s too much stuff going on. And next week, well, I’m travelling next week so I can’t start then. Oh, and the week after that – it’s my birthday, so I’ll wait. Next thing you know, excuse after excuse, we have made up our minds to not change for a month, two months, maybe even more!’

We will always find what we go looking for. And if we want to find excuses that hold us back from transformation, we will find TONS! Yes – TONS! They are everywhere. And many of us have a group of friends who don’t want to change, too – who will back us up with our excuses. Who we hang out with is who we become. The environment we live in molds us more than anything else.

We gotta be super mindful of the people we surround ourselves with and where we choose to exist and be. There are plenty of people in the world who will positively affirm mediocrity! Not because they are bad people, no – but because they do not know any better.

It’s moments like this when it’s important to GET REAL with yourself. Not so you judge yourself, but so you can see the truth of how things are – and when we see the truth, we begin to set ourselves free. And when we do that, we start to make positive change.

For most people, excuses not to change are commonplace and socially acceptable. But if you are on The Path and ready for transformation, excuses are just another form of resistance that is holding you back! If you want to argue for your limitations, you will justify and further create them!

Are you in denial about your weight?

(This excludes anyone who has a hormone imbalance, but for most people that’s not the case.) Instead of calling yourself big boned, or ignoring the problem, get real with yourself – YOU’RE FAT! And accept it, and then DO something about it. How much longer do you want to live there?

But that is not who you ARE! That is not where you want to LIVE! Mediocrity is not your emotional home! It’s a cliché, but it’s true that if we seek, we will find. So today, instead of seeking for reasons or excuses NOT to change – start to look for reasons why you should change and get motivated.

Are you spending too much money – money that you don’t have? It’s time to knock it off, face your bills and get real with a budget. Stop hiding from your bills. Are you addicted to being angry or sad? Do you get connection and Love from people from telling your sad

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story over and over again –but deep down you know it’s time to change?

That you can’t get real sustainable Love by speaking in woundology? It’s time to accept what happened and give what happened an empowering meaning.

And know that you can get your needs met in healthier ways.

Are you drinking or smoking too much? How is that habit affecting your health and the health of those around you? You say you can stop at any time.

Well if that’s the case – why not stop now? How much longer do you want to avoid your feelings and push them down with an addiction that isn’t serving you?

Maybe you are in a relationship with someone who you KNOW isn’t good for you – but you are terrified of letting go and facing the unknown alone.

Yet, you know this situation won’t get any better. So you settle for 10% Love

that has turned into poison, instead of letting go and facing the fear of being alone. Do you Love yourself enough to let go of this toxic situation, feel your feelings and trust The Uni-verse that a miracle is around the corner once you let go? You deserve MORE than this!

Begin to surround yourself with people who lift you up. We gotta love negative people, but sometimes it’s okay to love them from a distance when we are in recovery or in the beginning stages of transformation.

From today forward, let’s not justify our excuses. From today forward, let’s get real with ourselves and see how we are truly acting and use the white hot pain of that truth as ammunition to change our lives. How much longer do you want to live like this? Some gnarly stuff may have gone down in the past, but today is a new day and today YOU have the power of choice. How do you

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want to view what happened? Who are you choosing to surround yourself with and where? And from this moment forward what are you going to do about it, every-single-day? You will surely arrive one year from now – the question is where, with whom and in what state.

If you’re READY for change – leave a comment and let me know, or send us an email to WhatImGoingThru@ TheDailyLove.com.

I’m sending you some daily love, Mastin

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RECOVER, LET GO

Anything To Recover From Or Let Go Of? By: Dr Elizabeth Webb

“The goal of society in general is to succeed in the world, whereas the goal of enlightenment is to transcend beyond it. In the end, it will be found that the sacrifice of recovering or letting go of the mind is actually the greatest gift one can receive.”

– Dr. David Hawkins

Many times in your life, you have the opportunity to decide where your values lie. Unfortunately, life lessons chip off even the strongest of us, and you may find yourself faced with the greatest challenge of all – how to recover from perceived losses, whether physical or emotional. Believe or not, you have been given great gift disguised as a “challenge.” You may feel it’s a punishment or task too overwhelming to handle.

The first lesson in recovery is to trust your inner guidance and know that you lose nothing. Actually, you have been given the chance for personal growth which will lead you along various paths toward self knowledge.

This knowledge will reveal the purpose and basic meaning of your existence.

When you infuse yourself with the

energy of forgiveness, you can surrender. This is when you are free to create an intention that is clear and detached from controlled outcomes.

You literally send bolts of great changes not only for yourself, but also around the globe.

You will make more discoveries than you can even imagine. The very essence of you will offer the keys to redefine yourself. The only way to recover is to discover your true self.

Seek communication and share the knowledge of your passages and challenges. The unfolding mysteries of your resolutions will have a unique way of speaking to you.

Remember that the unified consciousness that enters the human conscious-

ness must never be imprisoned and shackled. If it is, you will fall into the lower states of your mind, making you think that is possible to lose anything, anyone, or any feeling.

Matter and spirit— that is all there is.

The creation of your inner and outer universes has no boundary.

RECONNECTING

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Reconnecting Through Support Groups By: Bill Fulton

Feeling disconnected from others is a difficult way to go through life. Most people, at some point in their lives, experience disconnect from others around them. The new kid in school at his very first lunch period feels that sensation. “I know absolutely nobody here,” he may think to himself.

“Where will I sit? Will everyone stare at me because I’m sitting by myself? I’ll never make any friends here.”

As we get older, we understand that those anxious feelings eventually pass. However, sometimes we still feel insecure. Consider a breakup or divorce.

Maybe it’s that first time you dine at a restaurant alone. Eventually you look up from your meal and notice you are the only one sitting alone. Suddenly, you get a flashback of the scene in the Steve Martin film, The Lonely Guy, where the entire restaurant goes dark and a spotlight shines on the lone diner. Your inner voice may start to chime in: “They probably think something is wrong with me,” “They probably think I’m hard to live with or just plain miserable,” or “They probably wonder why I’m alone.”

The truth is that feeling alone is natural. Most people experience it to some degree at various times in their lives. However, what is not natural is remaining alone. Few people maintain a healthy life balance in that state. A key way to reconnect with others is through joining a support group.

People who struggle with alcohol and drug abuse put support groups at the core of their recovery. A large reason for this is that support groups make

people feel less isolated in their struggle.

Organizations such as A.A. and Al-Anon set outstanding models for forming a support group.

Luckily, these models can be transferred to almost any area of life. Even if you believe a struggle is uniquely your own, chances are there are others who struggle with a similar issue. You can learn from each other’s experiences.

A support group offers great value regardless of the size. Whether it is a group of 30 meeting in a church basement on a Wednesday night, or a couple people meeting for lunch once a week at a local restaurant, the motivation is the same – gaining support. In fact, some of the most useful support groups began with just a few members.

I’m reminded of advice I received from a high school counselor when I was a shy, quiet student.

“Sometimes you just need to find that one person who understands you,” he said. “Once you find him or her, the world doesn’t look as scary, because you know someone else has been there too.” The sharing of experiences can also validate feelings we generally hide from others. Once we gain trust in others, a subtle shift occurs in our thinking. We develop the courage to improve our mental and emotional condition.

When we are alone with our struggles for too long, we can lose hope. Perhaps the greatest benefit of a support group is that it gives us hope.

Sometimes hope is exactly what we need to start making things better.

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Loving someone comes in many different forms.

VOLUME 3

LOVING SOMEONE

By: Claudette Chenevert, The Stepmom Coach

Love is rarely easy. We want it to be. We want to look in the eyes of those we love and know that we are loved unconditionally. No guesses.

No justifications. No questions. But we believe it isn’t going to happen that way. We have years of experience with love that is not returned, love that is conditional, and love that just doesn’t work out. As a result, we’re guarded and anxious when we meet others.

Think about the ways this has played into your relationships, especially with your husband, your children and your stepchildren. At first, you were probably hesitant to express your feelings out of a fear of rejection. As time went on you expressed your appreciation of them in ways you personally understood best, or maybe you just settled into a routine of doing what you thought was expected. But how often have you said or done something out of love for one of them that was misinterpreted? How often have you wished that someone would just show their love clearly to you?

The problem comes down to a misunderstanding of the ways in which we express our love for one other. Gary Chapman addresses this problem in his book The Five Love Languages.

His message is that the key to happy and healthy relationships is to understanding how we express our love and hope to receive love from oth-

ers. Once you begin to understand the different types of love, it will become easier to recognize the signals others use to share their version of love with you.

Words of affirmation. This may be as simple as “I love you,” but compliments and praise are even more valued, because it means you are identifying the ways in which you value your loved one.

Leave quick notes for this person in unexpected places such as a sticky note on his morning coffee mug or tucked inside his lunch box. Express your love often in words, praise them for things they have done and send text messages at unexpected times, even just to say “thinking of you.”

Quality Time. In our world this is sometimes hard to come by. It means putting the world aside and focusing your attention solely on the person you love. What you do doesn’t have to be expensive. Take a walk. Chat over a cup of

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coffee. Challenge the whole family to a board game. Whatever you do, turn off the cell phones, the computer, and avoid all other distractions so your loved ones know they are the center of your attention.

Receiving gifts. It may seem like a cliché, but people who crave this form of love see more than the material object. They see the thoughtfulness behind it. The value is not in the money spent, but in how well the gift shows that you know your loved one. The best gifts are the unexpected ones.. Stop and pick up flowers on the way home, or buy that book they’ve been talking about for weeks—just because.

Acts of Service. This is probably the most misunderstood love language. After all, we’re “supposed” to do work, right? But when you willingly take on a share of the workload that normally would be done by your loved one, you’re showing that you value the work they do and want to ease their burden. If they usually wash the dishes, do it before they get a chance, or pick up the dry-cleaning so they have one less stop on their way home after work.

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Physical Touch. People who value this expression of love desire close physical contact, and not just in the bedroom.

Give this person a lot of hugs, hold their hand, and pat them on the back for a job well done.

Learning how to recognize the ways in which our loved ones express their love will help you to return that love in a way they will appreciate. Pay attention to their actions and respond in kind. If your kids readily pick up their room, offer to do the dishes for them after dinner so they can go out with their friends. If you find a little note tucked into your purse from your husband, send him a text letting him know how much you appreciated it and him. Above all, learn to appreciate the ways that others show their love for you. Before long, you’ll realize that your family is growing closer as everyone recognizes that they are valued and loved as individuals.

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ANCHORING

Anchoring: Letting the Dust Settle By: Christina Marie

“The marriage didn’t work out while you had been in it, so don’t spend all of your time “out” of the marriage keeping aspects alive for “the sake of your children”. Instead, transform your relationship with your ex to be a healthy co-parenting relationship.”

People who experience very quick courtships leading to very quick marriages followed by very quick divorces are normally on the emotional express train and don’t know how to get off.

They have been moving so quickly for so long they go from station 1 to station 10 in 30 seconds or less.

The “fast track express train” people tend to want to move swiftly in their new relationships. They want to be monogamous quickly.

They want you to move in with them quickly. They want to play house with you because they can’t function when the train stops. When the train stops, they are reminded they are alone. They have to pay all the bills themselves, take out the trash themselves, and sleep in their beds by themselves.

The problem with the express train is that it moves so quickly that the next thing you know, you’ve had another marriage and another divorce and you just keep going. You’re moving quickly, wondering why things aren’t working out, or thinking it’s the partners you choose. You believe it has nothing to do with what’s inside of you.

When the express train stops, get off.

Relax. Take some time before you get back on. Even a train needs a break from moving quickly. If you can experience your feelings and be with your pain, you will be able to have an aliveness again based on what is inside of you, versus a false sense of aliveness that we get from a new relationship.

Every new relationship eventually

transforms away from being “new.”

People who are on the express train have a hard time experiencing what is no longer new. They get bored quickly and then blame the relationship or the other person expressing feelings of stagnation. Sometimes it is true that stagnation equates to the relationship is running out of gas. That isn’t always the reality. Most of the time, the stagnation felt comes from within, when we run out of gas.

If you are a “fast track express train” person, you may feel you want to remain on the fast track. You feel that is simply “who you are” and what you are meant to do in this life time. It’s probably best that you have a series of meaningful relationships versus trying to mold yourself into a married life.

Or, another way to navigate your life may be to set personal goals for yourself that involve growing intellectually, physically and spiritually. They keep you moving forward and allow your

relationships to be a place where you bring your juiced-up aliveness. “Bring it, don’t wait for it!”

Learn how to bring the newness into your own life. It’s empowering to live a fully alive juiced up life. No one wants to feel sluggish and stagnant yet, we are the only answer for ourselves and we may need to stop blaming our relationships for our feelings of stagnation.

When you allow yourself to be inside of your emotional evolutionary process and experience who you really are, you can then navigate your life in a way that is true to who you are. When we go from relationship to relationship and sometimes they cross over each other, we think that our happiness lies in another human being versus ourselves. We keep setting ourselves up for disappointment because eventually, the next relationship becomes the same simply because WE are the same.

Divorce can absolutely be an entry point into self-discovery. Divorce can be a very spiritually rich time where you get to be with you in a way that

you did not allow yourself to be inside of your marriage. Sometimes, after a divorce, you really start to develop who you are and who you really want to be. A lot of married people start to temporarily drop parts of what makes their soul sing to fit into the agreements they made in their marriages. People think marriage equates to sacrificing who they are. Then, they resent their spouse for it when it’s their own doing.

If you let the dust settle before you jump into the next relationship, this gives you time to really self-assess who you are and what growth you may need for “your own sake and the sake of your children.”.

Getting off the express train can have tremendous values. Taking the time to detach emotionally provides you with the ability to be fully present to what is actually occurring for you in the “now”.

Divorce requires work, just like the marriage required work. Some people don’t want to do the work in their marriages so they get out, then they don’t want to do the work after they are divorced. So then they get back in a marriage and have the same issues seep right back into their lives.

It only takes one biological parent to evolve emotionally.

It’s much easier to create change and set up clear boundaries with an ex before you meet someone else. It’s easier on you, your ex, your children and your potential partner, whoever that may be. Or, at the very least, suggest to an ex that you intend to create boundaries as you go and ask for their willingness to remain open and flexible when life changes.

Taking the time to emotionally divorce your spouse before getting serious with another partner will literally prevent major drama, trauma and chaos moving forward. Most of the

comparing, competitiveness and ridiculousness that happens inside of stepfamilies is only present because people do not take the time to heal fully and set up clear boundaries that turn partnerships into coparting the children.

The transition from partnership to co-parenting requires that someone take their inner life and future seriously. It requires someone to be mindful of being emotionally fair to themselves, their ex, their children, and the potential next partner.

This doesn’t mean you have to be alone or become a monk. It only means that you

are honest with yourself on where you really are in your emotional development.

If a new relationship is starting to become serious and you are not ready, simply be honest about it. No one has to suffer unnecessarily. It’s not a sign of “weakness” if you are not ready. It’s actually a sign you are healthy and honest. When you share with another human being you enjoy them very much, but want to be completely free before taking the relationship to the next level, you get to feel great about yourself. Relationships don’t necessarily need to completely end or literally be put on hold; they just have to be honest in order to be solid.

The marriage didn’t work out while you had been in it so don’t spend all of your time “out” of the marriage keeping aspects of the marriage alive for “the sake of your children.” Instead, transform your relationship with your ex to be a healthy co-parenting relationship. Have enough respect for everyone by allowing everyone to experience boundaries or possible changes and stick to them.

If your ex or children have emotional breakdowns, don’t let this make you feel guilty or obligated. Understand that it is difficult for people to adjust. Emotions come up and feelings of loss are a part of the process. This is no reason to cross over important boundaries. On the other side, when boundaries are kept in place, we can open our eyes, look around and see all the beauty that is in our lives. We can then create a better life than we once had.

Summary In Changing course, letting the dust settle: this chapter addresses us, as individuals, who we are and how we may be operating internally with ourselves, and how we may be operating or viewing the other biological parent and our current spouses/partners at the same time, as well as what’s possible when we don’t take the time to emotionally evolve past the “past.”

Many times, we bring our last relationships into our new ones and by doing this, we create problems for everyone.

Self-Assessment Did any of this chapter ring true for you?

If so, which parts rang true for you?

“The “fast track express train” people

tend to want to move swiftly in their new relationships. They want to be monogamous quickly. They want you to move in with them quickly.”

After reading this chapter, have you discovered yourself to be a “fast track express train” person? If so, what insights did you realize about yourself and/or what possible benefits could you see for yourself if you slowed down a bit and allowed yourself time to emotionally evolve instead?

“Taking the time to emotionally divorce your spouse before getting serious with another partner will literally prevent major drama, trauma and chaos moving forward.”

Have you emotionally divorced yourself from your former spouse? If not, what can you do to move forward in your life so that you can be present and enjoy your life today?

(This article is a condensed version of a chapter from the book “Navigational Skills for Stepfamilies”)

CREATING A VISION

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Creating a Vision: A Stepfathers Journey By: Sean Pyka boy into in my life, completely. Regrettably, this opened up an emotional scar that I thought had healed. One day, during a trip to the beach, I started to remember my relationship with the step children from my first marriage. This was more difficult for me to deal with than I would have ever anticipated. All the memories, the joys, the struggles, and the pains were coming back.

My name is Sean Pyka and I’m a Step Dad! My story goes like this…I grew up being a step child on both sides of the family. As a child I remember it was very confusing in the beginning. As time went on, I began to realize it really wasn’t a bad thing. I had a new brother to play with and a lot more relatives. I slowly began to understand and realize that they all loved me…

When I was twenty six years old, I was married and became a Step Dad for the first time. I came into my first step children’s lives at a very young age. I helped to raise two wonderful children. Always encouraging them to do more and trying to give them as much as I could. Unfortunately, the relationship did not work out and sadly came to an end. Eventually, I met the most wonderful woman and her amazing son. We were married and I was a Step Dad, once again, to a fantastic boy!

The more I got to know him the more I loved him and we became closer. I taught him how to ride his first bike, how to mind his manners and we would spend our weekends going camping together. I was opening up my heart and letting this little

I realized that being a Step Dad, for a second time, was going to be harder than I thought. I just wanted to be the best Step Dad I could be without anything getting in the way.

So, I felt the need to look for support to become a better parent.

After some time, I came to the realization that I did all I could for my previous step children while I was in there lives. Now it was time to focus all of my attention on my new step son. However, after much time, I found little or no support for being a Step Dad. I searched the internet to no avail. I know I’m not the only Step Dad out there and felt as though I needed to do something about this.

I decided to create a “Step Dad’s” Page on Facebook. The page was originally started to attract the attention of Step Dad’s everywhere! Reaching out to my friends and family, gathering support, little by little, I become conscious of the fact that this was not going to be an easy task. I began writing about current and past events, my inspirations and frustrations. I really had no clue about what I was creating at the time.

It certainly caused a lot of headaches.

Although some people in my life didn’t understand the need for this page, I pushed on and continued to do what I was doing.

I didn’t know if I was just wasting my time.

All I knew was that I was doing something that made me feel good and if I had just one fan, just one other person out there that felt the same way I did, it would make it all worthwhile. Then it began. Everyday it seemed as if I was gaining a fan here and another there. Reaching out to other “Step” groups was giving my page exposure and I was finally feeling more positive!

Something I didn’t notice right away was that some of my fans were Step Moms. It turns out, they were enjoying my posts about growing up and what my relationship was like with my Step Mom. I have looked to her for guidance so many times in my past, being that she was such a wonderful influence in my life. My posts mainly reflected on what she did when I was a child and how she treated me as her own son. As more Step Moms joined, I began to question my page. Maybe this isn’t just a Step Dad thing any longer. Maybe the Step Moms needed the same thing I did and perhaps some of them were going through a similar situation in their lives.

I then recreated the Step Dad’s Page into what is now known as “Step Parent’s.” I used my everyday inspiration as the introduction to this new page. It reads, “As parents, we are constantly taking steps with our children and growing. Step Parent’s is about bringing parents together, helping each other to grow, so together we can take those steps.” It’s been a little over a year now since I created the Step Parent’s Page.

We are nearly 300 fans strong today and still growing. I have put together a team of Step Mom’s that help me run the page.

They are willing to help those in need by replying to emails and fan inquiries on the page as well as posting about their experiences in life. I understand the task of being a Step parent can be quite frustrating at times. From the Step parent perspective, I felt the need to try my best to help other Step parents and the children in their lives.

Wanting to see them grow to become more whole and enjoy life with their families.

Trying to share my life experiences with them and hoping it made a difference.

I asked the members one day “How has becoming a member of Step Parent’s affected your life?” One member replied “I don’t feel so alone anymore!” To me, that’s a great accomplishment. To know that I have made a difference in someone else’s life that may have been struggling was the ultimate goal of my vision when creating the page.

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I am trying to create a positive place where all parents can come together and share their experiences. I wanted to create a space where we can give guidance to one another in the hope’s that one day my Step son will see what I did as he got older. I want him to learn that I eventually stopped seeing my Step parents as just “Step parents.” I saw them as parents who loved me, unconditionally.

Now that I have grown up and am a parent, I am glad that it all happened. I look back at my life and realize that without my parents I would not be the person I am today. My Dad made me strong and both of my Mothers gave me my heart and knowledge. I invite any and all parents and children to join the Step Parents Page. I know things are not easy at times. Sometimes we

CREATING A VISION

feel better if we talk about it and know that there are people out there that have similar situations, who care. Please come and visit me and my group at http://www.facebook.com/pages/StepParents/122077077829601. I just ask that everyone be respectful of others and I thank you for visiting us. We can only guide the children in our lives and pray for the best.

“CAN ATHLETICS BRIDGE THE GAP - TO BELIEF IN SELF?” By: Eric Mitchell

We are often told what we cannot do.

We are often told it is impossible to accomplish our goals. We are often told we should never risk for we will fail. Who hears this most often? The children of our society are often the target of those three words (cannot, impossible and fail).

I have personally experienced coaches and parents telling me: cannot, impossible and fail. I was a sprinter in high school and ran the 100 meter, 200 meter and several sprint relays. I was not the most accomplished sprinter and yet, I always put my best effort into my racing. However, I had a coach who stated that I would never run in college because, “you simply cannot expect to compete at a higher level because you are tempting the impossible and you will fail.”

I want you to imagine a young man at seventeen being told he cannot do something because he will fail because it is impossible. I refused to accept this and trained harder, both physically and mentally, to make sure I would sprint in college. I could not simply accept one man’s condemnation of my potential abilities.

I, very strongly, believed that I would run and actually be very successful in my college athletic endeavors. I not only sprinted in college but was part of a National Champion Sprint Relay Team.

My coaching style has developed from a negative experience that I would not allow to destroy my beliefs. YOU have the ability to set any realistic goal and never allow those to tell you otherwise. YOU must trust yourself and your beliefs.

I have found that athletes are sometimes

the people who are most often told: cannot, impossible and fail. YOU must trust yourself that you truly believe in yourself and you will see the barriers to your success will begin to crumble.

"A Ship is safer in harbor but that is not what a Ship is built for" I have often wondered how self-confidence really works. Does it derive from winning?

Does it derive from always coming out on top?

I would say those two factors have a way of skewing the playing field of self-confidence. In reality self-confidence derives from belief in the “self ”. Our society is inundated with so much external information that often the “self ” is paralyzed. This is especially true of our youngest members of society. My company deals with athletes, from seven to the professional ranks and more often than not, the same theme plays to our athletes’ psyche.

A LACK OF BELIEF IN SELF We have allowed external influences to destroy the fabric our youngest members of society to believe in themselves and while my company deals with athletes, it is my belief that such doubt has permeated into the very fabric of our society.

I am a believer in the power of the individual to change the course of their life.

However, such change is frightening and difficult. I want to challenge you to be more than you ever thought possible. I am not writing this article to lecture, but rather guide you to write or rewrite YOUR STORY. I challenge you to answer these questions and find out about yourself.

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WHY ARE YOU HERE? 1. Purpose (List what you consider “special” in your life right now) WHAT DO YOU STAND FOR? “If you don’t stand for something, you will fall for anything” 2. Core Values (a set of guidelines or principles that you can use to govern your every action) (Of the values you admire, what are the five that you believe can and want to realistically achieve and stand for) OUR CHOICES AND HABITS Our ultimate freedom is our ability to choose. Where you are right now in life is a result of the choices you either did or did not make. You must accept that responsibility and learn that all you want to accomplish, or what you have not accomplished is your choice.

Everyone wants success, but if it comes at the expense of integrity and honor, the cost is too high.

Always remember, YOU can make a difference in your life and when you believe in yourself the world begins to open up in your relationship with yourself, parents, siblings and friends.

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At the End of The Day AT THE END OF THE DAY was derived from a suggestion by a dear friend who noticed when in a discussion I listen, hear and quite often, tend to “bottom-line” or summarize matters with the phrase...”At the end of the day.” Whether it be noticing or discussing world affairs, current trends or personal sagas, it seems I have a knack for extracting the bottom-line, and so...the column, AT THE END OF THE DAY was born.

So, as I read the articles in this issue of Xpanded Family Magazine, it occurred to me that AT THE END OF THE DAY...we are responsible. We are responsible to know who we are, what we need and what causes our happiness. We are responsible to determine the path to take us there and we are responsible to make that happen. We are also responsible when we are upset and unhappy- meaning; we are responsible to ensure that is not the case and when circumstances arise to cause

that, we must take responsibility to re-set our course and stay grounded in who we are or find our way back to our true self and our happiness.

The ancient phrase "To Thine Own Self Be True" must still be around for a reason!

It is solely our responsibility to determine what state we are in and what route we will take to be in alignment within our self. When we feel upset or unhappy, the tendency may be to look outside of our self and blame others or our circumstances. The reality is we are unhappy within our self and we have the power to change that. All it takes is us taking responsibility for our self and the path we select to travel on.

The articles in this issue of Xpanded Family Magazine can support us on our journey of staying true to who we are and figuring out what types of things support us on our path. SelfAssessing and determining where

AT THE END OF THE DAY

By: Leah Stauffer and who we are and what roads we may want to travel down are precisely how we take responsibility for our self and our happiness.

Whether it be the articles on "Recovery of Self- Reclaiming Your True Rescuer" so we aren't so focused on everyone and everything else or articles such as "Re-Connecting Through Support Groups", "Anything to Recover From or Let Go of ', "Loving Someone Comes in Different Forms" and "Are you Sick and Tired of Being Sick and Tired" which will all help you figure out where you are at with yourself and give you permission to determine what you may need. Other articles offer suggested paths to take us there. Articles about 12 Step Programs and Affirmations, finding 'The Right Kind of Love" or "How to Create Love that is truly Fulfilling", "Choosing Stillness Over Chaos", are all articles that will help you be causative and hence responsible for yourself and your happiness.

CONTRIBUTORS

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CONTRIBUTORS

Christina Whinnery: Our Publisher.

21 years of experience, education and research with expanded family dynamics. Author of: “Navigational Skills for Step-families-inside the real lives of step-families today.”

Jackie O’Brien: Our Graphic Designer: Jackie is a graduate of the University of Delaware in Visual Communications. Her passion is for freelance graphic design and illustration. You can see some of her work At: JackieOCreations.com. Jackie currently resides in West Chester, Pa.

Claudette Chenevert: Claudette Chenevert is a certified Stepfamily Foundation Coach and Life Coach. She has a BA in Psychology of Communication with an emphasis on Family Relations and Conflict Resolution. Claudette provides tools and skills to families who are committed to making a difference in their lives and coaches individuals by helping them create and achieve inspiring goals and visions. She offers workshops on issues ranging from dealing with conflict to becoming an effective communicator in your family to leadership in your family. She also offers group and one-on-one coaching. Claudette has been a stepmom since 1990.

She has one son, two stepdaughters and two wonderful grandchildren.

For more information regarding Claudette and her programs, visit her website www.stepmomcoach.com.

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Billy Hines: Filmmaker: experienced Writer/ Director/Producer will use his talent of storytelling to help promote the magazine’s internet division.

Annette Padilla: Annette is a personal trainer, group X fitness instructor and a lifestyle coach. Since 1984 her passion has been one of conscious awareness and deliberate action toward the nurturing of the spirit within, educating that the physical changes are a direct result of the level of deservancy one chooses to acknowledge and grow. Annette’s approach is unique and humorous. Specializing in core conditioning and integrity of movement while treating the problem rather than the symptom, makes Annette an expert in empowering the spirit while encouraging the physical results that people desire, enabling pain-free movement and the indulgence of life.

Annie Hart: Breakthrough Coach and Master Storyteller “Love what you do, and you’ll never work a day in your life.” But what about when love is what you do? For Annie Hart, a breakthrough coach, trainer, and master storyteller, showing people love is the key to her business. “I believe in the power of loving people—it’s absolutely the core of my business. Being heartfelt and genuine is my personal key to exceptional business and personal growth and happiness. Annie’s unique job carries with it many diverse responsibilities. “There is no average workday. I see private clients two days a week to create personal breakthroughs through one-on-one sessions, and the rest of the time I write, blog, sip tea, or work with my business partner on more global and community projects.” Annie has also continued sharpening her business skill of forward thinking. “I want to create a large scale service organization that takes people who want to change the world, like artists, entrepreneurs, and other change agents, and helps them tangibly achieve their dreams to create a prosperous life for all.”

At the heart of her dream to create that organization and the purpose of her current business endeavor, is the idea that whatever she is doing should be for the benefit of people. “The cornerstone of my business is making the world a better place and it should never be anything less. Otherwise, what would I stand for, If not to make a better world for others?” www.anniehart.com.

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CONTRIBUTORS

Kay Lesh, Ph.D. Kay Lesh, Ph.D. is an educator and psychotherapist. She has worked as a therapist for over 30 years, and is licensed by the State of Arizona as a Professional Counselor and as a Marriage and Family Therapist. She has a private therapy practice in Tucson AZ. Additionally, she teaches Psychology at Pima Community College. She presents workshops, seminars and classes on a variety of personal growth issues. She has written a number of articles on topics related to the impact of physical disability, women and rehabilitation, dealing with suicide in the family, psychology of money, and developing self-esteem. Dr. Lesh is the co-author of “Building SelfEsteem: Strategies for Success in School and Beyond,” 3rd. Edition, Prentice Hall, 2002; “Our Money Ourselves for Couples: A New Way of Relating to Money and Each Other,” Capitol Books, Inc. 2003, and “Our Money Ourselves: Redesigning Your Relationship with Money” Amacom Books, 1999.

Dr Elizabeth Webb: Dr. Elizabeth Webb,Ph.D has practiced Preventive Medicine for over 20 years. The services she offers in her West Chester office include Homeopathy, Color/Light Therapy, Herbal/Nutritional Support, Hypnotherapy, Reflexology and Reiki. She is also able to assist you with specific detoxing protocols for allergies and immune support. “Living in the Heart” counseling for individuals, couples and children will help you rediscover the innermost beauty and joy within your heart- the home of your Spirit. With her intuitive ability, compassionate heart, and extensive knowledge of alternative paths to wellness. Dr. Webb delights in educating her clients and witnessing their amazing transformation as they take responsibility for their lives and healing. 610-256-0483 Preventive Medicine – Homeopathy- Living in the Heart-- Emotional/Spiritual Counseling West Chester, Pa. www.drelizabethwebb. com.

Eric Mitchell has been in the fitness industry since 1990. In college, playing three different sports, his passion to be involved in the sports industry flourished. Working in the personal training industry for about 6 years, he decided to open a sports performance based company (Progressive Speed Training).

In 2005 Eric was approached by Bill Parisi of Parisi Speed School and granted a franchise. The Parisi Speed School is a nationally based company that focuses on the development of the whole athlete in both body and mind. Eric has trained over 30 NFL players and many nationally ranked tennis players.

He has also guest lectured at several national strength coaches clinics.

Empowering America's Youth One Child at a Time. http://www.parisischool.com/trainerfinder/websites/60063/ustc/index.html

CONTRIBUTORS

Leah Stauffer: Leah Stauffer is an Entrepreneur, Producer, Author and Trainer who has been dubbed a “Guru of Healthy Beauty” by the media. Her expertise is in assisting people in realizing who they truly are. Through her “Authenticity Coaching,” she provides support that allows the individual to confidently express themselves and share their natural gifts with the world around them. In her own words, “This is the best and quickest route to true freedom, vitality, fulfillment and happiness.”

She has been facilitating these Transformative Experiences for over 10 years. Her programs are designed to take concepts from a mind level and integrate them into the Beingness of an individual through movement. Her live experiences, training programs, books, and DVD’s have reached hundreds of thousands of people, and her proven methods deliver healthy, lasting results.

Leah works with celebrity and private clientele, as well as thousands of people throughout the United States and abroad. Her work has appeared in publications such as The Washington Post, Women’s Health, and O, as well as features on Entertainment Tonight, CNN, and The View.

The benefits of her work have been documented in a multi-center research study by Indiana State University, Temple University and Fox Chase Cancer Center.

Leah lives on a quiet farm in the suburbs outside Philadelphia.

CONTRIBUTORS

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CONTRIBUTORS

M.L Meehan: Mrs. Meehan has been a dedicated elementary teacher for 27 years, a devoted wife for 16 years, and a loving mother for 15 years. Her favorite pastimes include reading, tennis, Scrabble, and game night with her family. She has written many plays for children, and takes great pride in watching her students shine in their performances.

Bill Fulton: Bill is a freelance writer, educator and coach. He received his B.A. Degree in English and Communications from Cabrini College where he graduated with marks of distinction and as a member of Alpha Sigma Lambda, the National Honor Society for Continuing Education Students. After earning his degree, Bill was a correspondent for several Philadelphia area newspapers before beginning his career in the field of education. He has been employed as a Secondary English Teacher and Homebound Special Education Instructor for the Downingtown, Radnor and Phoenixville Area school districts. He resides in Worcester, PA.

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Amy Crawford LMFT, PhD A licensed psychotherapist, has been writing for five years in the fields of adventure sports, travel, psychology and education. Her work has been published in academic journals and monthly publications. Much of her experience has been working with children and family systems from a depth psychological perspective. Amy is passionate about cultivating soul-centric families. Amy has a Master’s degree in Counseling Psychology and a PhD in Transformative Psychology. She is a silly, life-long learner who has always craved adventure; personally, physically, and emotionally.

The Daily Love was created by Mastin Kipp in 2005 under the original name “Thoughts for the Day”.

Kipp embarked upon a journey in 2004 to find his true purpose and figure out the techniques to best manifest Highest Potential. Along the way he figured there must have been other people who have come before him who’ve were met with the same challenges he was facing to find true happiness and inner peace.

Mastin opened up Google and started searching. He found that all people from all parts of History and all walks of life had different morsels of wisdom to offer Mastin on his journey. He found a common thread shared by: philosophers, artists, authors, mystics, religious leaders, inventors, entrepreneurs, musicians, politicians, athletes, actors, polymaths, prophets, media moguls and every day people alike.

His search drove him deeper into reading book after book after book, attending seminars, soaking up the wisdom traditions and always looking deeper for more insight on how to improve the human condition.

Mastin discovered an inspirational buffet of knowledge and started combining all of these teachings into his own life. Shortly, he thought it would be fun to share them with his friends on MySpace and started posting bulletins. That evolved into sharing the quotes on Facebook and through email. A friend pestered Mastin to start up a Twitter account, and he did reluctantly.

In August of 2009, after almost a year of posting quotes on Twitter and sending emails, Kim Kardashian suggested to her over 2 million followers that they should follow @TheDailyLove. Over night, The Daily Love went from 1,000 followers to 10,000 and now has over 300,000 followers on Twitter and is growing!

The Daily Love blends wisdom with style and delivers a daily email and Twitter messages for a fast paced lifestyle.

You’re not alone, we’re all here to help and love each other. Join us!

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