A Gay Affair by Christine Waxstein

A Gay Affair a 10 minute play by

CHRISTINE WAXSTEIN

2214 S Greenwood Drive Apt #9 Johnson City, TN 37604 865.724.9956 waxsteinc@gmail.com

CHARACTERS HERB:

A cranky misanthrope, mid-70’s. He is wearing a white bathrobe with a white t-shirt and boxers underneath. He also has on tube socks with sandals.

SHIELA:

A vacuous and cheerful liberal, late-60’s. She is wearing a muumuu in muted pastels with slippers. She has her grey hair rolled up in curlers.

Charlie:

Herb’s nephew and Roberto’s partner. He is thin and overly dramatic. He is dressed like a traditional beatnik.

Roberto:

Charlie’s partner, Latino male with a thick accent. He is wearing a traditional male Latin ballroom dancer’s performance costume.

SETTING The living room in Herb and Sheila’s house.

TIME The present.

A Gay Affair (Late morning, living room of a small one story house. HERB is sitting on the couch reading the newspaper...) SHIELA (O.S.) Hey, Herb? HERB Yeah? SHIELA (O.S.) Are the lights out in our bedroom? HERB They shouldn’t be, are they? SHIELA (O.S.) It seems like it, but I could be wrong. HERB How could you be wrong? They either are or they aren’t. Did you flip the switch? SHIELA (O.S.) Yeah. HERB I’ll go look at it... (HERB exits. Clunking noises are heard from offstage. HERB enters and makes his way back to the couch...) HERB (CONT’D) ...Those electricians are retarded! That switch is labeled, ‘Hallway’. (SHIELA enters carrying a laundry basket...) SHIELA Don’t use that word, Herbykins, its offensive.

HERB Not as offensive as you calling me that. SHIELA Oh, hush up. Now, what do you want me to pack in your suitcase for this weekend? HERB How many times do I have to tell you? I ain’t goin’! SHIELA But he’s your nephew, you’ve gotta go. HERB For Christ’s sake, I ain’t goin’ to no flamin’ homosexual wedding! (HERB realizes the true meaning of what he said and laughs...) HERB (CONT’D) Hahaha, it really is for Christ’s sake! (pause) Ya, know? Because Christ doesn’t believe in the gays? (pause) Ah, nevermind. Wasted effort. SHIELA You’re proud of yourself, ain’t ya? HERB As a matter of fact, I am. SHIELA Well you shouldn’t be. I do not understand how you can do this to poor Charlie. He is your only nephew and the last one in the family to be married off. HERB Poor Charlie? Really? After all that boy’s put us through, you say, “Poor Charlie?” SHIELA Yes, poor Charlie! He has been through a lot with no one on his side. Keeping this secret for as long as he did, I don’t know how he got through it alone.

HERB He didn’t. That Mexican boy was with him. Javier or...Jose...or whatever... SHIELA Roberto. HERB Yeah, whatever. SHIELA I don’t care what you say, we’re going. HERB If by ‘we’ you mean ‘you’... SHIELA (sternly) ...Herb. I’ve heard bout enough outta you. We are going and that’s the end of it. Now, red or blue? (SHIELA holds up two shirt options...) HERB Red. It will match the hatred I have inside for... SHIELA ...blue it is. (SHIELA exits carrying the blue shirt. HERB goes back to his newspaper...) HERB (to self) She can say what she wants, I still ain’t goin’. (A doorbell rings...) SHIELA (O.S.) I’ll get it! (A loud gasp is heard from offstage...) SHIELA (CONT’D) Oh, my word! What are you doin’ here?

CHARLIE (O.S.) Hi, aunt Shiela! Or ¡Hola rather. SHIELA (O.S.) Please, come on in. Herb, Herbykins look who it is... HERB (to self) Oh, Christ. (SHIELA and CHARLIE enter...) CHARLIE Hi, uncle Herb! (HERB remains on the couch reading the newspaper...) HERB What in the sam blazes are you doin’ here? SHIELA Yeah, honey, what are ya here for? Don’t you have to get ready for the wedding this weekend. CHARLIE (to Herb) Well, it’s good to see you too... (to Shiela) ...and yes, that is exactly why I’m here: the wedding... SHIELA ...Oh, no! You two didn’t call it off did ya?... HERB (excitedly) ...yeah, did ya? CHARLIE No, no, not at all. The opposite in fact. I knew you would probably have a tough time getting’ Old cranky pants here to come to my wedding, so...Roberto, darling! HERB Oh, no! Don’t tell me...

(ROBERTO enters in a grand fashion with salsa music playing in the background...) ROBERTO Si, senior! It is I, Roberto Montoya San Francisco Cavallari...oh, excuse me, I mean Roberto Montoya San Francisco Cavallari Robertson to be. (CHARLIE moves to stand next to ROBERTO...) CHARLIE That’s right. In just a few short hours we will be the Cavallari Robertson’s, life partners... ROBERTO ...for life. (CHARLIE and ROBERTO look deep into each others eyes and are about to kiss when SHIELA excitedly steps in-between them and grabs each of their hands...) SHIELA (bouncing) Oh, how exciting! I am so glad you are not breaking up... (CHARLIE and ROBERTO join SHIELA in bouncing excitedly...) CHARLIE ...I know! It’s great isn’t it? ROBERTO ...Yeah, is good... CHARLIE ...At first, I am sure you thought, “Oh, no! Why are they here? I am so concerned!”... SHIELA ...I was! I was thinking exactly that!... HERB (Shouting)

...Hold up! (Everyone freezes...) HERB (CONT’D) Now, wait just one minute here. Let me get this straight... ROBERTO ...Ah, excuse me. It’s a called head or sexual. CHARLIE That’s heterosexual darling. ROBERTO Oh, I see. Hhhheett-tor sexual. HERB Shut up, you! Now, Charlie, what are you thinkin’ bringin’ all this here, especially when I’m in my underwear. (looking at ROBERTO) Don’t you be getting’ any ideas there Ponch. ROBERTO Psh, you wish Viejo. *(Translation: “Old Man”)* (HERB moves in toward ROBERTO, rolling up his sleeves. CHARLIE is in-between them holding each man back...) HERB Whatchu call me? Why I otta... ROBERTO ...bring it. Besa mi atractiva culo, puto! *(Translation: “Kiss my sexy ass, fucker!”)* SHIELA Oh, my! CHARLIE Boys, enough! (He begins to cry and sits on the couch. SHIELA goes to comfort him...) CHARLIE (CONT’D)

I’ve had it! All I wanted with the people that mean union with positivity and out man brawl! WHHAAAA!!!

was a nice, intimate ceremony the most to me surrounding our love. And what do I get? An all Why do you do this to me?

ROBERTO I am sorry mi amor. Te quiero más que la vida misma. *(Translation: “my love. I love you more than life itself”)* HERB Yeah, uh, what he said. CHARLIE Do you mean that? ROBERTO Of course I do! CHARLIE Not you. Uncle Herbie? HERB Yeah, sure I do kid. CHARLIE Will you get along with Roberto? HERB Fine. CHARLIE And let us say our commitment vows in front of you and Auntie Shiela? HERB What? CHARLIE (puppy dog face...) Puh-pu-puh-please? HERB Will you stop your blubberin’? CHARLIE

Yes. HERB Then yes. (CHARLIE quickly jumps up and the tears are gone just as fast...) CHARLIE Yay! Then let’s do this! Come here my sweets, you start. (CHARLIE and ROBERTO stand at arms length facing each other. SHIELA and HERB stand to the side watching...) ROBERTO My dearest Carlitos, it is hard...oh, so muy hard to put into words my love for jew. I have spent the few momentos between our asuntos sexuales thinking about what to say to jew and then it came to me. In the words of the late, great Selena Quintanilla-Pérez aka "The Mexican Madonna"... *(Translation: “very”, “moments”, “sexual matters”)* (ROBERTO and CHARLIE do the sign of the cross, kiss their hands to their lips and lift them towards the heavens...) ROBERTO (CONT’D) ...Siempre estoy soñada en ti - besandos mis labios, acariciando mi piel...(fading)...abrazadome con ansias locas - imaginando que me amos - cómo yo podia amar a ti ... *(Translation: “I'm always dreaming about you - kissing my lips, caressing my skin” (fading) “hugging me so anxiously - imagining that you love me - just the way I love you)* (CHARLIE and ROBERTO continue with their vows, however their voices fade and the focus shifts to HERB and SHIELA...) SHIELA Oh, I love a good wedding, don’t you? Saying how you really feel about someone without holding anything back. It truly is the one time in your life you can express your emotions

with no judgment from anyone. Now I know why Charlie wanted to have the ceremony here, with family. (SHIELA looks to HERB...) SHIELA (CONT’D) Are you even listening to me? (HERB starts blubbering...) HERB It’s just so beau-te-ful! Look at them, look how happy they are. Remember when we were that happy? (HERB blows his nose into his handkerchief. SHIELA squeezes his arm and lays her head on his shoulder...) SHIELA I love you, Herbykins. Ya big softy. (CHARLIE and ROBERTO can be heard again...) ROBERTO Or, in inglés... CHARLIE (Quickly interrupting) ...Awe, babe that was amazing. You know me so well, tear. Okay, okay, my turn. (CHARLIE takes ROBERTO’s hands...) CHARLIE (CONT’D) My dearest, Roberto. I love you spicy bear. You are hot like Jalapeño...no, habanero peppers and you too make my mouth water... (CHARLIE and ROBERTO look into each others eyes just as they did before. They tightly embrace one another and kiss passionately... SHIELA Oh, my! (End Play)