Ode to Simon Fuller by Christine Waxstein

Ode to Simon Fuller a One Act play by

CHRISTINE WAXSTEIN

2214 S Greenwood Drive Apt #9 Johnson City, TN 37604 865.724.9956 waxsteinc@gmail.com

CHARACTORS LIZZY WANTSTOBEFAMOUS:

The talent less singer

GINA CANCARELESS:

The best friend

SIMON COWELL:

The brains

PAULA ABDUL:

The drunk

RANDY JACKSON:

The black

SETTING The living room of a 2 bedroom apartment in San Francisco, California. The audition room for American Idol in Los Angeles, California.

TIME Circa 2007.

SCENE SYNOPSIS Scene 1

The living room of 2 bedroom apartment, evening.

Scene 2

Apartment, Morning, a few days later.

Scene 3

The audition room for American Idol, afternoon, the next day.

Scene 4

(Split stage) audition room/apartment, afternoon, same day.

Scene 5

Apartment, early morning, a few days later.

Scene 6

Audition room, afternoon, weeks later.

Scene 7

(Split stage) audition room/apartment, evening, several weeks later.

Scene 8

Apartment, morning, a few days later.

Ode to Simon Fuller SCENE 1 (The living room of an apartment in San Francisco, California. LIZZY WANTSTOBEFAMOUS is standing in front of GINA CANCARELESS who is watching her from the couch. LIZZY is singing, badly…) LIZZY Ohhh woah-oh-ohhh-yeah. (She finishes looking very pleased with herself. She looks to GINA for her reaction. GINA’s expression is frozen in shock…) LIZZY (CONT’D) So, what do you think? (GINA tries to find something to say and is obviously debating with herself for a good moment or two. LIZZY becomes more excited with each pause…) GINA Well, you look beautiful. LIZZY (Flattered) Yeah? Thank you. What did you think about the song? GINA Are you sure you want to do this? LIZZY

(Passionately) Yes! Auditioning for American Idol is my dream. I’ve just been so scared and well, nervous to try out, but this year I am finally ready. I can feel it. GINA Maybe you should sing a different song, like one that people haven’t heard before . . . (LIZZY gasps in shock and is obviously overwhelmingly hurt by GINA’s comment. GINA notices and quickly replies...) GINA (CONT’D) . . . because then you’d be the best one ever to sing it. (LIZZY takes it as a compliment and calms down...) GINA (CONT’D) Why do you want to drive all the way down to LA anyways, Lizzy? You know, Danny’s party is the same weekend. . . LIZZY (Sternly) No! I already told you I don’t want to go to Danny’s party, I want to audition for American Idol. GINA But I heard from Shelley’s ex who heard from Billy who sits next to Jason in Mr. Ward’s Bio class that Danny said he thinks you’re really hot. LIZZY (Excitedly) He does? Oh, wow. I have always liked Danny, but didn’t think he even knew who I was. Even when I sat across from him in Mrs. Johnson’s English class he would never turn around and look at me, but he was always starring at Sally McSlutson who sat completely on the other side of the room...no wait, what am I saying? (LIZZY steps forward into a pool of light as all the other lights go down

around her. GINA can still be seen. LIZZY starts in on an overthetop dramatic self-empowering speech...) LIZZY (CONT’D) I’ve dreamt about being on American Idol for seven seasons. I’ve imagined myself walking up to the judges table, singing my heart out and hearing Simon say to me “Wow,... GINA ...my ears are killing me. (LIZZY does not hear GINA’s remark...) LIZZY (CONT’D) ...that was unbelievable. Congratulations, you are going to Hollywood.” I’ve stood by and watched other people win when I’ve sat at home regretting having not had enough faith in myself to try out, but not this year. Danny has had four years to tell me he wanted my smokin’ ass and he never said a word, so he can wait a little longer. GINA Lizzy, I just don’t think you should take this risk. You’d have to miss a week of school and didn’t your boss say he would fire you if you took that many days off? LIZZY Well, yeah but if I make it to Hollywood I would have to take a semester off and quit my job anyway. GINA Yeah, if you make it. LIZZY What, you don’t think I’ll make it? GINA I don’t know Lizzy; I’m not Simon Cowell or anything. I just don’t think you should put everything on the line for this. LIZZY (overly offended) Well, you certainly are not Simon Cowell and you wouldn’t know a good singer if they came up and hit you in the head!

GINA Well, Lizzy you must be the best singer in the world because my head feels like itâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;s been hit by a semi! LIZZY UAH! Well, I am going to audition and will make it on the show and you will regret ever saying that to me! (LIZZY storms out of the room and slams her bedroom door...) GINA Fine! Have it your way, but donâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;t come crying to me when they break your little heart by telling you how bad you are! (GINA leaves the room and slams her bedroom door...) (End Scene)

SCENE 2 (Early morning, same location. GINA enters the living room...) GINA Lizzy, you better be up and ready to leave in five minutes or I’m leaving without you. (No answer after a few moments...) GINA (CONT’D) You’re gonna have to take SamTrans. (GINA looks surprised to not hear anything...) GINA (CONT’D) Hurry up Liz! I have to leave or I’m gonna miss my class. (GINA sits down on the couch and starts to eat her cereal. LIZZY enters from her bedroom with suitcases in hand. GINA notices her...) GINA (CONT’D) You can’t be serious. LIZZY As you have probably forgotten, the American Idol auditions are this week. Even though you do not have faith in me, I do and am sure I will be gone for quite some time. I knew you’d be mad at me if I left without saying goodbye, so... goodbye. GINA What’d you rehearse that or something?

LIZZY I may have written it down at one point. Anyway, I hope we can still be friends and I can count on your vote. GINA Oh, come on Liz. Are you really gonna do this? LIZZY Yes! And there is nothing you can say to stop me from walking out that door! GINA Okay, fine. Have a safe trip. LIZZY Really? GINA Yeah. Good Luck. LIZZY Aw, thank you Gina! I am so glad to hear you say that! (They hug. LIZZY picks up her suitcases and prepares to leave. Almost out the door, she turns back...) LIZZY Oh, and Gina…if you decide to go to Danny’s party can you tell him where I am so that he doesn’t think I ditched out on him. And make sure that slut Sally stays away from him too. Thanks, love ya bye! (GINA looks to the audience and takes a deep breath...) (End Scene)

SCENE 3 (The audition room for American Idol in Los Angeles, California. LIZZY stands in front of the judges table with SIMON, PAULA and RANDY watching...) LIZZY Ohhh woah-oh-ohhh-yeah. (LIZZY finishes looking as pleased as she did earlier. LIZZY looks to the judges for their reaction, giving most of her attention to SIMON. SIMON and RANDY’s expressions are similar to GINA’s from earlier; PAULA’s expression is a drunken smile. After a few moments pause...) SIMON (In a bad British accent) Wow, that was unbelievable. Congratulations, you are going to Hollywood. (LIZZY screams loudly with excitement until she finally leaves after many attempts to open the door. SIMON turns his attention to RANDY and PAULA. Throughout this conversation PAULA looks at whomever is talking, swinging her head back and forth...) SIMON I cannot believe it; we have actually found another one. RANDY I know Dogg, who’d have ever thought we could find anything better than Sanjaya? SIMON

Sanjaya who? She is ten times worse than he ever was and she won’t need ridiculous hair to prove it. RANDY This is gonna be hilarious man! SIMON We are going to make millions off of this head case! RANDY Yeah! (They high five each other over PAULA’s head as she looks up to see it. SIMON and RANDY exit from either side and PAULA passes out on the table...) (End Scene)

SCENE 4 ([Split stage] The American Idol audition room/LIZZY and GINA’s apartment. We see LIZZY talking on the phone as GINA enters and listens to the answering machine...) LIZZY Hey, Gina! You are not going to believe this. I made it! I actually made it to Hollywood!!! Oh my gosh, I am so excited. I was so nervous when I had to sing in front of Simon and all those cameras were on me, but I guess I’m gonna have to get used to it now! (Squeals with excitement) Oh, and you were right about Seacrest he totally wears risers! Gotta go, don’t forget to TiVo it for me! Bye! (LIZZY exits. GINA reaches for the telephone and dials a number...) GINA Hi it’s Gina, Lizzy’s roommate. (Pause) Yeah, it’s been a while. How are you doing? (Pause) Oh, good I’m glad to hear his heart is doing better. So they did end up putting the pacemaker in? (Pause) Well, tell him to sit down for this one because I have some bad news. (End Scene)

SCENE 5 (Early morning, a few days later at LIZZY and GINA’s apartment. GINA is sitting at the couch eating a bowl of cereal when LIZZY bursts in through the door...) LIZZY I’m back! Are you glad to see me? (GINA chokes a little on the cereal, clears her throat and sets her bowl onto the coffee table...) GINA (sarcastically) Yes, it is the biggest thrill of my life. LIZZY Oh, I know you missed me. You are just too embarrassed that you doubted how talented I was and don’t know how to react around a celebrity. GINA Celebrity? The show hasn’t even started yet. LIZZY Minor detail. GINA Okay, whatever. LIZZY So how has life changed since I’ve been gone? GINA Liz, it’s only been five days. LIZZY Okay, fine. Jeez, you won’t let me have anything, will ya? (Pause)

Did you at least go to Danny’s party? GINA I had a feeling you were gonna ask me that. LIZZY Well, did you tell him how good I did at my audition? GINA He didn’t ask. LIZZY He didn’t ask? GINA I’m sorry Liz, but I don’t think he even noticed that you weren’t there. LIZZY What? Why? I thought you said that he liked me? GINA No, I didn’t. I said that I heard that he thought you were hot, no one said anything about him liking you. LIZZY Well, how bout that! I am gone for one week and my entire world changes. (Pause) I guess it doesn’t matter anyway because I am going to be too busy with A.I. to worry about some stupid local boy. Besides the stats have shown that you get more votes if you’re available. GINA Yeah, about that. LIZZY What? GINA I’ve been thinking and I don’t think you should go on the show. LIZZY What do you mean? Why would I do that?

GINA Well, are you sure that they want you because they think you can actually sing or do you think that maybe they are just bringing you on to increase ratings? LIZZY Why? Because I am so hot they think more guys will watch the show? GINA Umm, not exactly where I was going with that. LIZZY Don’t worry Gina, I’m gonna do fine. When I make the show, whether it is initially for ratings or whatever, I will prove my talent as a singer and America will vote for me to stay on. (Pause) God, you sound just like my parents! Somehow they found out that I made it to Hollywood and have been calling me nonstop about it. GINA (quickly retreats) Ah…Well…it doesn’t look like I can change your mind about this, so I am just going to leave it at when you need me, I will be here for you. LIZZY Thank you. I am really glad that you are starting to believe in my potential and, hey, if I can win you over that easily I should have no problem with the American public! GINA Umm, right... LIZZY Well, I need to practice so I’ll be ready for the show. Knock if you need me. (LIZZY exits into her bedroom and GINA goes back to her cereal bowl. Moments later we hear LIZZY’s loud singing coming from off stage...)

GINA I guess I should invest in some earplugs. (End Scene)

SCENE 6 (A few weeks later at the judges’ room. SIMON, PAULA and RANDY are in their same positions as before and follow the same guidelines. LIZZY is sitting in a chair across from them...) SIMON Lizzy, the two… (RANDY clears his throat multiple times...) SIMON (CONT’D) …three of us have thought it over and have decided that your voice is a rarity in this competition. LIZZY Thank you, that means so much… SIMON ...however, we are unsure of your star potential and what type of audience you’d appeal to. Having said that... (LIZZY immediately looks worried and goes through several different stages of doubt and anxiety as SIMON pauses and says nothing for an overly extended period of time...) SIMON (CONT’D) …congratulations, you are moving on in the competition. (LIZZY lets out a really loud, extremely long scream...) LIZZY Oh my god, thank you thank you! Simon, I love you! Can I give you a hug? SIMON Umm...No. RANDY

I’ll give you a hug. LIZZY Okay! (LIZZY runs over to RANDY and gives him a big hug, he holds on for a little too long and lays his head on her chest. LIZZY finally pries RANDY off of her and continues to squeal with excitement as she exits, again fumbling with the door. RANDY remains standing and SIMON joins him, PAULA stays at the table...) SIMON This is all too easy. RANDY You know man, she may be an awful singer but I’m sure diggin’ her enthusiasm. Not to mention that rack! Huhhha! You feelin’ me? SIMON No, not again Randy! We almost lost it all because you couldn’t keep your hands off that last girl. RANDY Come on now, you saw how she looked at me. SIMON She was 16 years old! RANDY Well, at least I know how to spot a winner. SIMON Yeah, but there is no way we can pass this one off as talented. At least with Jordan our hush money and vote rigging fooled the stupid Yanks. Now you keep away from this girl or you’ll end up like Paula over here, are you feeling me?

(SIMON exits. RANDY takes a look at PAULA and shakes his head, he exits as he delivers his next line...) RANDY Ah, Hell No! I ain’t endin’ up like some crazy white bitch. (RANDY exits...) (End Scene)

SCENE 7 ([Split stage] The American Idol audition room/LIZZY and GINA’s apartment. LIZZY is talking on the phone as GINA enters and listens to the answering machine...) LIZZY Hey Gina, it’s me, again. I’m sure you have been hearing about all the news reports on me. They are predicting that I will be voted off this week. I just hope I still have a place to come home to? Although, I can understand why you wouldn’t want me. Why would you after I didn’t listen when you tried to worn me? I can’t believe I fell for this. Why would they put me on the show if they new I would embarrass myself with my quote unquote ‘ear-shattering voice’? Well, I guess that’s exactly why they put me on. You were right. About everything. Please call me back when you get this. Bye. (GINA picks up the phone and dials a number...) GINA Hey, Lizzy? It’s me… (End Scene)

SCENE 8 (A few weeks later at LIZZY and GINA’s apartment. GINA and LIZZY both enter through the door, GINA is carrying some suitcases...) LIZZY Aw, Home sweet home. GINA Feels good to be back? LIZZY Yeah. (Pause) Hey, I’m sorry about all those photographers at the airport. I don’t know why they are still following me, it’s not like I won or anything. GINA You made it to the final four! LIZZY Crazy, right? Something’s gotta be wrong with people today if they openly criticize you for how bad you are, but still pick up the phone and vote for you every week. It just doesn’t make any sense to me. GINA Me neither. Well, what are you going to do now that Idol’s over? LIZZY I don’t know, maybe I will go ask for my job back or hey, dancing with the stars is always an option! GINA Lizzy that really isn’t funny... LIZZY I know, I was just kidding. GINA

I mean with your dancing skills it’d be like American Idol all over again. LIZZY Hey! I’m not that bad! (They both laugh. The phone rings and LIZZY walks over to pick up the receiver...) LIZZY Hello? Yes, this is her. You what? Why? But I only came in fourth, why would you want me to... (pause) ...Okay, well I guess I’ll talk to you later then. Thanks, bye. (to GINA) Disney just called and asked me to replace Vanessa Hudgens in High School Musical fourteen! GINA Wow! LIZZY I know, right? GINA They are doing a High School Musical fourteen? LIZZY Gina. GINA Oh, come on Liz. I’m just joking, you know I’m happy for you that’s great! I wonder why they are replacing her though. LIZZY It’s probably because she became an international porn star and a sponsor for Kate Moss’s Cocaine Company or maybe it was her brief lesbian love affair with Miley Cyrus. GINA

No, I don’t think so. They didn’t fire her for High School Musical three through thirteen because of that; it has to be something bigger. LIZZY Did she and Zac Efron finally break-up? GINA That’s it! It has to be, they definitely wouldn’t need her anymore then. LIZZY Yeah, you’re right about that. (Pause) I can’t believe what a blessing this whole disaster is becoming! GINA It’s so weird how someone can become so famous for having no talent at all, isn’t it? LIZZY Not really nowadays. If Paris Hilton can do it why can’t I, right? GINA That’s a good point. LIZZY Hey, you wanna go get coffee and see if we end up in a magazine tomorrow? GINA Are you sure you want me to go with you? Who knows what they might write about us? LIZZY Well, if I am going to replace Vanessa Hudgens I’ve got a lot of catching up to do! GINA True. Hey maybe I’ll turn out to be your lesbian lover, or your personal assistant that gets fired and then does a bunch of interviews revealing all your deep, dark secrets!

(They both laugh, then LIZZY takes a pause and looks at GINA questioningly...) LIZZY Nah!

(End Play)