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Michael Lauria is a qualified counsellor, family & relationship therapist, men’s mentor and relationship guide based in Melbourne. With over 15 years experience, he works both in person and online to help you create the life and relationship you dream of. He’s spent years studying the principles surrounding neuroscience, neuroplasticity and the deep connections between the body-mindspirit. This research underpins his philosophy and guiding principles and his methods incorporate a fusion of talk centred therapy and personcentred coaching. michaellauriacoaching.com

CREATING A CONSCIOUS, CONNECTED RELATIONSHIP

An alluring and attractive concept, it’s natural to want to find this special person to emulate this ‘ideal’ relationship but after the initial flush of meeting someone new, perceptions can change and you find yourself walking awayperhaps too quickly? This can become habitual in order to find that elusive ‘soulmate’ who will “complete” us. Unconscious expectations In the age of instant gratification and increasing levels of entitlement, it’s becoming easier to discard people and dismantle relationships when they don’t appear to live up to our idealistic (and largely unconscious) expectations. This can become a regular occurrence. Wearing your ‘heart on our sleeve’, you expose your vulnerability and this can result in more breakups as you perceive your expectations aren’t being met. When this failure and pain occurs, protection systems kick in. Less vulnerability is exposed next time and, as a result, layers of protection form to protect and avoid future or repeat pain. An entirely natural and unconscious response, this inevitably contributes to the destruction of more relationships. This can happen repeatedly until resignation sets in to ‘give up’ on “relationships” and turn elsewhere for something we believe may be more satisfying. Namely engaging in short-term (mostly unsatisfying) physical encounters with the aim of avoiding pain and feeling good. But these encounters only deliver a temporary dopamine hit so the familiar dull ache of dissatisfaction creeps in as this cycle repeats until, at some point, the awareness arises that this unhealthy pattern is not the answer. So how can you achieve a deeper and fulfilling connection with another human being? Break unhealthy patterns Most people enter relationships (whether short or long term) unconsciously, stay in them unconsciously and then leave unconsciously too. It’s a cyclical pattern which repeats for years and damages to both people. You can change it by developing self-awareness and practising conscious communication. 1. Self-awareness helps you understand that how you currently think, feel and behave isn’t working for you. You can then commit to a course of action that helps you ‘de-layer’ the selfconditioning that has developed over time. This is the first step but if you avoid this, you unconsciously choose to create the same undesirable results. 2. Taking personal responsibility for the results you have created empowers you to change and create better results in the future. This involves a level of deep self-reflection, developing awareness around your patterns of thinking and learning to find new ways to meet your needs. Unfortunately, not many people do this. They look to their partners to be their best friend, perfect lover, confidante, emotional supporter, intellectual stimuli and the object of their attraction; but it’s an overload of expectation to place on another. It creates a heavy reliance on a partner to meet needs we are responsible for and this can be an overwhelming pressure for partners to provide; at levels they simply can’t. Deep selfreflection with a commitment to take full responsibility for our own needs and state is the work to be done. 3. The quality of all communication is key in relationships; but it is the level of consciousness you bring to that communication which changes things. Unconscious communication, (words spoken without considered thought), is as unhelpful as no communication at all and, in many cases, far more damaging to relationships. Quality, conscious communication occurs when (even in the heat of verbal conflict) we choose our words carefully and intentionally. It’s a learned skill that, when mastered, creates deep levels of connection. In order to be open and vulnerable to share how you truly feel and communicate your message in a way which has a greater chance of being received with the intention it holds, you need to feel safe in that communication. Safety means a history of proven instances where we have expressed how we feel and received a positive response; or at least not an aggressive, negative or violent one. If you can improve your self-awareness and communication, you have a much stronger chance at connecting with someone deeply enough for your relationship to last the distance in a fulfilling way for both of you. The “perfect couple” seen daily on social media and in other media has become an unrealisitic framework for our relationship expectations.

“Deep selfreflection with a commitment to take full responsibility for our own needs and state is the work to be done”