Trauma Informed Parents Balancing the Parentload: FindingPeace AmidsttheMorning Chaos Understanding Matrescence& Patrescence: TheJourneyinto Parenthood
Patrescence: Versionofme 2.0loading… Transitionsto
BecomingaParent; AChangingSocial Network
MeetingYourToddler’sNeeds withTherapeuticparenting
BeyondtheTantrums: Protecting Children through High-Conflict Divorce and Coercive Parenting
In this issue
Editor'sNote
MeettheTeam!
UnderstandingMatrescenceandPatrescence:TheJourneyinto Parenthood
ProtectingChildrenthroughHigh-ConflictDivorceandCoercive Parenting
BeyondtheTantrums:MeetingYourToddler’sNeeds
UpcomingEvents
AsktheExperts
Patrescence:Versionofme20loading
TransitionsToBecomingAParent;AChangingSocialNetwork
BalancingtheParentload:FindingPeaceAmidsttheMorningChaos
Editor’sNote WelcomeEverybody,
WehopeyouhavehadarestfulChristmasbreak,wherepossible.AtCoECTwefindourselves transitioningfromthefestivewarmthoftheholidayseasonbacktotherhythmsofschoolandwork life.ThesparkleofChristmaslightshasgivenwaytothecrispnessoffrostymorningsandthe promiseofanewstarttotheyear.
Thefocusofthefirstissueof2025isthejourneyintoparenthoodandthechallengesitcanpresent. Thisjourneyisuniqueandcanbefilledwithawiderangeofemotions,fromtheexcitementandjoy ofwelcomingachildintoyourlife,tothestressanduncertaintythatmayarisealongtheway.
Sairwritesaboutthetransitionofbecomingamother,whichisknownasMatrescence.Thearticle exploresthechangeswomenexperiencethroughthistransitionalperiodintomotherhood.
FollowingonfromSair’sarticleandfurtherintothemagazine,wewelcomeRussHartland-Shaw,a father,andTherapeuticParentingCoachwhohaswrittenanarticleexploringtheconceptof "Patrescence,"whichreferstotheemotionalandpsychologicalchangesmenexperienceduringthe transitionintofatherhood
OurresidentcontributorontherapeuticparentingJessica,exploresthecomplexitiesofparenting toddlers,particularlythosewhohaveexperiencedtrauma Jessicahighlightsthechallengesparents facewithtantrumsandpowerstruggles,emphasisingtheimportanceofunderstandingthe underlyingneedsdrivingthesebehaviours ThearticleintroducesTrust-BasedRelational Intervention(TBRI)asaframeworkfordevelopingconnectionandtrust
WewelcomeAJGajjar,aparentingandtraumaconsultantwhohaswrittenapiecewhichaddresses thecomplexitiesofco-parentinginthecontextofhigh-conflictdivorce,particularlywhenoneparent struggleswithpsychologicaloremotionalhealthissues Sheexploresthedetrimentaleffectsthat suchchallengescanhaveonchildren,theimportanceofmaintainingboundaries,andemphasises thenecessityofhealthyco-parentingfortheirwell-being
GarethThomas,aKinshipCarerandTrainerwithCoECT,joinsusinthisissuetodiscussthe significantdemandsofparenthood,emphasisingtheimportanceofself-careandusingquiet momentsnotjustfortasksbutalsoforyourownwell-being.
WealsowelcomeRebeccaPacy,aTherapeuticFosterParentandSpecialistConsultant,to contributetothisissuewithanarticlereflectingonherjourneyintoparenthood,exploringhowsome relationshipsdeepenedwhileothersfadedandhowparenthoodreshapesrelationshipsand developsnewconnections.
Asalways,wewouldlovetohearfromyoutoo,soemailyourthoughtsorquestionstousat tips@coect.co.uk
Warmestwishes
Sair, Sarah, and The Team at The Centre of Excellence in Child Trauma
Sair, Sarah, and The Team at The Centre of Excellence in Child Trauma
MeettheTeam! TheCentreofExcellenceinChildTraumaismadeupofateamofexpertswhohave essentialreal-lifeexperience.WeareAdopters,FosterParentsandBioparentsofneuro diversechildren,andalsoworkasprofessionalsinthefield.
ExecutiveEditor-SarahNaish SarahisaTherapeuticParent,an Adopteroffivesiblings,former FosterParent,retiredSocialWorker, BestsellinginternationalAuthor, KeynoteSpeakerandfounderof threeIndependentTherapeutic FosteringAgencies
ManagingEditor-Kathryn Talbot KathrynworksacrossCoECT, specialisingincommunication andpublicrelations.
ExecutiveEditor-SairPenna Sair(Sarah)isaTherapeuticParent, Trainer, TherapeuticParentingCoach. DirectorofNATP,TheHavenParenting andWellbeingCentreandInspire TrainingGroupandauthor,Sairworks acrossCoECTsupportingfamilies.
Contributor-RebeccaPacy Rebeccaisatherapeuticfoster parentandspecialistconsultant Shehastwentyyearsof experienceindesigning innovativetherapeuticsupport modelsforindividualswhohave experiencedtrauma, neurodiversity,andmentalhealth needs.
Contributor-RussHartlandShaw
RusssetupBreatheLeadership& BusinessCoachingin2020asa resultofadoptingandbecoming aparenttotwoboysin2019.He wastheninspiredtospecialisein TherapeuticParentingtosupport familiesnavigatingthe challengesofearlychildhood trauma.
Contributor-GarethThomas GarethisaKinshipCarertothree childrenandhasvolunteered withchildrenforfourteenyears Heiscurrentlystudyingfora degreeinpsychology,withaview tobecominganeducational psychologist
Contributor-JessicaSpenceley Jessicaisatherapeuticsocial workerwithover20yearsof experiencehelpingadoptive parentsnavigatetheirparenting journeysusingtheattachmentbased,trauma-informedparenting approachofTBRI®.
Contributor-AJGajjar AJGajjarisaParentingandTrauma Consultant,childdevelopment specialist,andchildren'sadvocate Shesupportsprofessionalswithinthe domesticviolence,familylaw, children'smentalhealthandchild protectionsectorstorecognisethe detrimentaleffectsofdomestic violence,high-conflictdivorceand maladaptiveparentingonchildren
Understanding Matrescence and Patrescence: The Journey into Parenthood Written by Sair Penna
Howareyoufinding motherhood?
Oneofthosequestions,especially asanewparent,whichcouldhave varyinganswersdependingonthe dayyouhavehadandtheevents whichhavetakenplace Good days,not-so-gooddays,however everydayisalearningday!Those dayswhenyourchildrefusesto leavethesoftplayafterthesession hasfinished
Thetransitiontoparenthoodis huge Onemoment,you’reliving yourindependentlife,andthenext, youhavealittlepersonwholooks toyouforeverything There’sno gradualtransition;whenyou welcomeyourchildhome,youare immersedintotheworldof parenthoodandlearntonavigateit asyougo
You’lllikelyencounteraflurryof adviceandsharedexperiences fromothers someofwhichyou mayfindhelpful,whileothersmay notresonatewithyoursituationor yourcurrentstateofmind.This transitionalperiodisuniquetoyou; notwoexperiencesarealike This journeyhasaname:itiscalled Matrescenceformothersand Patrescenceforfathers
Matrescence,isatermintroduced byanthropologistDanaRaphael, anddescribesthetransitioninto motherhood Thisjourneyisn’tjust aboutthejoysandcuddles althoughtheydomakeparenting amazing;itstartswithsignificant physicalandhormonalchanges
Forwomenwhohavegivenbirth, therearepost-pregnancychanges withintherecoveryprocessafter childbirth.Forallwomenonthe journeyintomotherhood,whether thishasbeenthroughbirth,
adoption,fost ablendedfam hormonalcha bondingwith stressesthat embracingth
Adjustingtomotherhood involvesmanychanges,and somemothersmayexperience transformationsintheirbodies thattheydidnotexpect Activitieslikelifting,carrying,and runningaroundwithyourchild canhelpdevelopmuscletonein areasthatmaynothavebeen tonedbefore Additionally, sleeplessnightscantakeatoll onyourenergylevels,especially ifyouhaveearlyrisersor childrenwhohavedifficulty fallingasleep.Thisisoften referredtoas“babybrain”or “brainfog,”whichcanleadto momentslikeforgettingtotake thekeysoutofthefrontdooror strugglingtorememberallthe bagsandgearneededfora youngchild,makingthingsfeel overwhelming.Youremotional landscapeandsocial relationshipsmayalsochange
tityasa
er,your and
Similarly,ifyoureafather,the transitiontoparenthood Patrescence isequallysignificant. Dadscanexperiencetheirown emotionalandpsychological transitionsastheystepintotheir newrole,grapplingwithshiftsin identityandfamilydynamicswhile feelingtheweightofthe responsibilitiesthatcomewith beingaDad
Understandingthecomplexitiesof MatrescenceandPatrescencecan helpusbetterunderstandour journeyandembraceallthe challengesandjoysofbeinga parent You’renotaloneinthis experience;it’sajourneythat manyhavetravelled,eachintheir ownuniqueway,andinsome waysgivingitanamevalidates theprocess,feelingsand experienceswhichgoeswith navigatingparenthood
Protecting Children through High-Conflict Divorce and Coercive Parenting Written by AJ Gajjar
Co-parentingoffersthebest long-termoutcomesforchildren ofdivorce.Thisiswhatthe researchshowsandIstandbyit Thekeyhoweveristhatitneeds tobehealthyco-parenting Healthy,intermsofbothparents’ psychologicalandemotionalwell-being, andbothparentsholdingthebest interestsoftheirchildreninutmost priority
Whathappensthen,whenoneparentis NOTpsychologicallyoremotionally healthy?Whenoneparentishigh conflict,hasapersonalitydisorder,is abusive,struggleswithaddiction,oris relationallycomplexandiseither unwillingorjustdoesnothavethe capacitytoco-parent?
Ihaveseenmanyparentsstruggle throughtryingtoco-parentandtry everythingtheycantoestablisha healthyco-parentingrelationship unsuccessfully Theyendupstuckin feelingsofguiltandshamebecause theyjustcan’tseemtoco-parentwell, duetonofaultoftheirown When friends,family,legalprofessionals, therapists–wheneveryoneistelling youtoco-parentbutyoujustcan’t seemtogetitright,whatthen?
Here’sthething-ifyoukeeptryingto co-parentwithsomeonewhodoesnot havethecapacityto,youareactually causingyourchildrenmoreharm Your energyisfocusedontheconflict, thoughts,actions,andtriggering reactionsoftheotherparentandnoton yourchildren You’redistracted,andnot present
Theotherparentduetotheirown challengesisalsonotpresent,alsonot abletomeettheneedsofthechildren, andoftenattimesduetothe maladaptiveandcoerciveparenting approachtheyimplement,arecausing thechildrenovertharm
Inanidea toappea legalsyst childrens legalsyst prioritises abovech childreni extended Sowhatc protectyourchildren?
Youcanlearntoparentdifferently TraumaHealingParentingisachild centric,trauma-informedand responsiveparentingapproach createdspecificallytosupport childreninthemidstofhigh-conflict divorce,whohaveexperienced domesticabuse,andwhoare experiencingmaladaptive,and coerciveparenting
Itisaparentingapproachthat teacheshowtobothhealthe traumayourchildisexperiencing, andalsobuildresiliencytoprotect themfromfutureongoing experiencesoftrauma.
Isay“ongoing”trauma,becauseas longasthesechildrenarespending
parent, eto ndsof these erience han ment ekafter e relationshipwithyourchildas sacred,andcentraltoeverything youdoandlooksatthe relationshipfromaTrauma Informedlens
ItcreatesaTraumaHealing environment–bothrelationally andenvironmentally
Itisinthesespecificsituations thatTraumaHealingParenting canprovidehope Itmaintains theTraumaHealingenvironment throughestablishingboundaries andcommunicationstrategies whichminimisesconflictand otherdistractionswhichwould otherwisetakeyourfocusaway fromyourparenting
Photo:
©AJGajjar
Sohowdoyouparentfroma
TraumaHealinglens? Thefirststepistoshiftyourfocus awayfromwhatthemaladaptive parentisorisnotdoing. It’s importanttogetcrystalclearon whatyoucanand,Iwouldargue moreimportantly,whatyouCAN’T controlwithinthissituation. Then,youcanfocusourtimeand attentiononthingsthatyoucan influence
Second,focusontherelationship thatyouhavewithyourchildren Parentingchildrenthroughhighconflictdivorce,domesticabuse, andwhoareexperiencing maladaptiveandcoercive parenting,isunlikeanyother These childrenareexperiencingtrauma. Thattraumaisunderminingthe healthygrowthanddevelopmentof theirbrain,andhencethesechildren haveuniquedevelopmentalneeds. Needsthatcanbeaddressed throughparentinginawaythat involvesbeinghighlyattunedand responsivetotheseunique developmentalneeds
Beingresponsivetotheirneeds comesfrombotharelationaland environmentalperspective Froma relationalstandpoint,thesechildren willdependonsafety,stabilityand reliabilityinyourmoodandaffectso theyknowwhattoexpectfromyou Fromanenvironmentallenstheywill needconsistency,predictability, boundariesandexpectations.Of course,despiteyourbesteffortsyou arenotgoingtogetitright100%of thetime You’reonlyhumanafterall -andthatiswheretheimportance ofrepairandreconnectcomein
Beinghonestandmakingrepairs withyourchildreniscrucialto maintainingasenseofsafetywithin therelationshipandalsohelpsthe relationshipgrowandevolve You canadmitthatyouarenotperfect, andthatadultsalso,sometimes makemistakes Itgivesyouthe opportunitytomodelthe importanceofapologyinawaythat normalisesmakingmistakesand helpsfosterthedevelopmentofa healthygrowthmindset
TraumaHealingParentingisNOTcoparenting Infact,ithasnothingtodo withtheotherparent Butithas everythingtodowithYOUR relationshipwithYOURchildren Itteachesyoutoparentinaway thesechildrendesperatelyneedto ensurehealthyemotionaland psychologicalgrowthand development,andtominimisethe probabilityofnegativelong-term physicalandmentalhealth outcomesthatthesechildrenmay otherwiselikelyface
TraumaHealingParentingisnot easy.Itrequiresdedication,time,and anunrelentingresolvetodo whateveritisyouneedtodoto provideyourchildrenwiththe opportunitytobehealthyandthrive.
Areyouunsureifthisapproachisafit foryourchildrenornot?
Ifyouhaveexperienceddomestic
abuse,areexperiencingpostseparationabuse,orareinthe midstofahigh-conflictdivorce,I canalmostguaranteethatyour childrenareexperiencingsome formofcoerciveormaladaptive parentingwhichisnegatively affectingtheiremotionaland psychologicalgrowthand development
Theearlierinterventionscanbe putinplace,thebetterchance thesechildrenhaveatsecuring positiveoutcomesandbeing successfulinlifeinspiteofthe harmtheyexperience
Remember,thereisonlyone personthatcanhealyourchild’s traumainthemosteffectiveand efficientway
ThatonepersonisYOU.
AJalsosupportsconcernedparents,tobest protectandempowertheirchildrennotonlyto recoverfromtrauma,butalsotodevelop resilienceagainstfuturetraumas Havingcombinedhereducationin DevelopmentalPsychology,over18years'of experienceinearlychilddevelopmentand mentalhealth,alongwithherlivedexperience, AJhascreatedTraumaHealingParenting,aparentingmodelspecificallydesigned tobestsupportchildrenwhoexperienceongoingrelationalharm
Interestedinlearningmore?
Gotothetraumahealingparentcomformoreinformation
Photo: ©AJGajjar
BeyondtheTantrums:MeetingYour Toddler’sNeeds Written by Jessica Spenceley
Parentingtoddlersistough.
Managingtantrums,navigating powerstruggles,andhearing “NO!”onrepeatcanleaveeven themostpatientparentfeeling overwhelmedandfrustrated For childrenwhohaveexperiencedtrauma, thesenormaltoddlerbehaviourscanbe moreunpredictableandevenvolatile, addinganextralayerofcomplexityto thisalreadychallengingphase
Youmightoftenfeellikeyou’reoutof yourdepth,wonderinghowtobuilda secureconnectionwithyourchildamidst thechaos
That’swhereTrust-BasedRelational Intervention(TBRI)comesin Byshifting yourfocusfrombehaviourmanagement tounderstandingtheneedsdrivingthe behaviour,youcanhelpcreateasense ofsafety,connection,andtrust
LookingBeneaththeSurface Whenfacedwithdifficultbehaviours,it’s temptingtofocussolelyonstoppingthe tantrumorgettingthroughthemoment. Butwhatifyoupausedandasked yourself:Whatmightbetheunderlying needbeneaththisbehaviour?
Inmanycases,thatneedrevolves aroundcontrol
Duringthetoddleryears,children naturallybegintoasserttheir independenceandautonomy It’sa crucialpartoftheirdevelopment,butfor childrenwhohaveexperiencedtrauma, thisneedforcontrolcanfeelmore intense
Why?Becausetraumarobschildrenof theirpower
Violations,depri stripawayachil andagency.Understandably,this canleaveadeepimprint,making themmoredesperatetoregain controlinsomeway
Whenyourecognisethis,it becomeseasiertoapproachyour childwithcompassion,eveninthe heatofameltdown. Insteadof feelinglikeyou’reinabattleof wills,youcanbegintoseetheir behaviourasareflectionofpast woundsandunmetneeds.This awarenessnotonlyfostersgreater empathybutalsohelpsyou regulateyourownemotional responsesduringchallenging moments
OnekeyTBRIprinciplethatcan makeaprofounddifferenceis givingyourchildavoice.
Forchildrenwhohavelosttheir senseofcontrol,havingavoiceis empowering Itsignalsthatthey areseen,heard,andvalued an essentialstepinrebuildingtrust andself-worth.
UsingChoicestoEmpowerYour Child
Apracticalwaytogiveyourchilda voiceisbyofferingchoices Choicesallowchildrentoregaina senseofcontrolinhealthy,
Let’sconsideracommon scenario: Youneedtogotothe store,butyourchildrefusesto putontheirshoes Insteadof engaginginapowerstruggle, getdownontheirlevel,make eyecontact,andinacalm, warmtone,offertwochoices:
1
2
“Wouldyouliketoputon yourshoesnow?”
“Orwouldyoulikemetoput themonwhenwegettothe store?”
Bothoptionsensurethatthe shoesareputon,butyourchild getstodecidewhenit happens Iftheychoosetowait untilyougettothestore,repeat theirchoiceclearlysothey knowthey’vebeenheard:“You wantmetoputyourshoeson whenwegetthere Okay,that’s agreatchoice!” Whenthe momentarrives,followthrough andpraisethem:“Youmadea greatchoice thankyoufor lettingmehelpyou!”
MakingChoicesaDailyHabit
Offeringchoicesisn’tjustfor challengingmoments it’sa strategytousethroughoutthe day Whetherit’ssnacktime, playtime,orgettingdressed,
Photo:
©JSpenceley
thinkoftwoorthreechoicesyoucan givetoyourchild.Forexample:
“Doyouwantanappleorabanana foryoursnack?”
“Wouldyouliketoweartheredshirt ortheblueone?”
“Doyouwanttoplaywithblocksor dosomecolouring?”
Thegoalistomakethisaregular practicesoyourchildhasrepeated experiencesofusingtheirvoiceand makingdecisionsinsafe,supported ways.
TheLong-TermImpactof Empowerment Everytimeyouofferyourchilda choice,you’rehelpingthemfeel valued,capable,andincontrol key ingredientsforhealthyself-esteem.
Forachildwhohaslivedthrough trauma,thesesmallmoments canbedeeplyhealing Overtime, theybuildtrust,fosterasenseof safety,andlaythefoundationfor astrongerconnectionbetween youandyourchild
Parentingatoddlerisn’teasy,but withstrategiesrootedin understandingandcompassion, youcannavigatethisphasewith greaterconfidence.
Ifyou’recuriousaboutTBRIorarereadytoimplementitinyourownfamily,learnabouttheTBRI® CaregiverTrainingathttps://nurturedbelonging.com/.
JessicaisthefounderofNurturedBelongingwhereshehelpsadopterscreateastrongparenting basefortheirchildrensotheycanhealfromearlyadversityandtrauma.
JessicaisalsoAssociatewithTheHavenParenting&WellbeingCentre,partofThe CentreofExcellenceinChildTrauma.(CoECT)www.coect.co.uk
UPCOMING IN-PERSON TRAINING DATES JANUARY
Therapeutically Managing Violent Behaviour Day 1 & Day 2
Tuesday 21st January & Wednesday 22nd January 10 am - 4 pm each day
THE LOFT, The Marina Bar, Vauxhall Quay, Sutton Harbour, Plymouth, PL4 0DN
FEBRUARY
Exploring the Foundations of Attachment
Wednesday 5th February, 10 am - 1 pm
Bristol
Managing Feelings for ParentsCompassion Fatigue
Tuesday 11th February, 10 am - 1 pm
Merseyside
MARCH
First Steps In Therapeutic Parenting
Wednesday 5th March, 10 am - 1 pm
Lancashire
Managing Feelings for ParentsCompassion Fatigue
Tuesday 11th March, 10 am - 1 pm
Weymouth
Managing Feelings for ParentsCompassion Fatigue
Tuesday 28th January, 10 am - 1 pm
Portsmouth
Therapeutically Managing Violent Behaviour Day 1 & Day 2
Tuesday 11th & Wednesday 12th February 10 am - 4 pm each day
Nottingham
First Steps In Therapeutic Parenting
Wednesday 26th February, 10 am - 1 pm
Sussex
Exploring the Foundations of Attachment
Thursday 6th March, 10 am - 1 pm
Norfolk
Therapeutically Managing Violent Behaviour Day 1 & Day 2
Tuesday 18th & Wednesday 19th March 10 am - 4 pm each day
Oxford
For more information click on the QR code or go to https://wwwnaotpcom/natp-training-booking
UPCOMING VIRTUAL TRAINING DATES Through the Keyhole - Natural Consequences
Thursday 6th February 2025, 12:30 pm – 1:30 pm (GMT)
Join guest speakers Sarah Naish and Sarah Dillon for a supportive series designed to empower traumainformed parents with practical tips and meaningful ideas.
Through the Keyhole - Friendships
Friday 7th February 2025, 12:30 pm – 1:30 pm (GMT)
Join us for a supportive series designed to empower trauma-informed parents with practical tips and meaningful ideas
Through the Keyhole - Social Media
Friday 7th February 2025, 12:30 pm – 1:30 pm (GMT)
Join our panel for a supportive series designed to empower trauma-informed parents with practical tips and meaningful ideas
For more information click on the QR code or go to https://wwwnaotpcom/natp-training-booking
Next Trauma-Informed Life Story Work Training Day
Tuesday 11th February 10:00 am - 3:00 pm Dursley, Gloucestershire £120 per person
To book email inspire@coect co uk
UPCOMING WEBINAR DATES JANUARY-MARCH2025 The A-Z of Trauma-Informed Teaching - Affection
Monday 20th January 2025
10:00 am - 11:00 am
In this interactive session, we will delve into the A-Z of trauma-informed teaching, highlighting the importance of nurturing relationships and emotional well-being in the classroom Learn practical strategies to incorporate affection into your teaching approach, and discover how simple gestures of care can significantly impact engagement and resilience
The A-Z of Trauma-Informed Teaching - Aggression
Friday 31st January 2025
10:00 am - 11:00 am
Unlock the keys to fostering a supportive learning environment in our engaging webinar, "Understanding Aggression from the A-Z of Trauma-Informed Teaching " Join us as we delve into the complexities of behaviour, exploring how trauma influences aggression in educational settings.
The A-Z of Trauma-Informed Teaching - Anxiety
Monday 3rd February 2025
12 noon - 01: 00 pm
Join us for an insightful webinar that dives deep into the complex relationship between anxiety and trauma in educational settings. The webinar includes:
The A-Z of trauma-informed teaching principles and how they relate to anxiety.
Practical strategies to create a safe and supportive learning environment that acknowledges and addresses anxiety
Effective communication techniques that develop resilience and build trust within the classroom.
The A-Z of Trauma-Informed Teaching - Arguing
Monday 10th February 2025
10:00 am - 11:00 am
This webinar covers the section on Arguing and how trauma affects this in educational settings.
The A-Z of Trauma-Informed Teaching - Attention and Listening
Tuesday 25th February 2025
10:00 am - 11:00 am
Join us for an insightful webinar that delves into the role of attention in trauma-informed teaching practices. Designed for educators, administrators, and support staff, this session will explore the section of attention and listening, its relationship to trauma, and practical strategies to create a more engaging and supportive classroom environment
UPCOMING WEBINAR DATES JANUARY-MARCH2025CONTINUED The A-Z of Trauma-Informed Teaching - Attention and Attachment Seeking
Wednesday 5th March 2025
10:00 am - 11:00 am
Join us for an insightful webinar that delves into the vital role of attachment in trauma-informed teaching! Whether you’re new to trauma-informed teaching or looking to deepen your understanding, this webinar will empower you to engage effectively and create classrooms that nurture connection, trust, and growth
The A-Z of Trauma-Informed Teaching - Banging
Monday 10th March 2025
10:00 am - 11:00 am
Unlock the keys to fostering a supportive learning environment in our engaging webinar, Banging from The A-Z of Trauma Informed Teaching Join us as we delve into the complexities of behaviour, exploring how trauma influences aggression in educational settings
The A-Z of Trauma-Informed Teaching - Bedtime Issues
Friday 14th March 2025
12 noon - 1:00 pm
Are bedtime struggles leaving children in your care feeling exhausted and overwhelmed? Join us for an engaging and informative webinar that explores the A-Z of trauma-informed teaching strategies to tackle nightly challenges
The A-Z of Trauma-Informed Teaching - Birthdays, Christmas and other Celebrations
Friday 21st March 2025
10:00 am - 11:00 am
Join us for an insightful webinar on the section Birthdays, Christmas, and Other Celebrations through the lens of trauma-informed teaching. As educators and carers we understand that celebrations can evoke a range of emotions, especially for individuals who have experienced trauma
The A-Z of Trauma-Informed Teaching - Biting
Monday 31st March 2025
10:00 am - 11:00 am
Unlock the keys to fostering a supportive learning environment in our engaging webinar, Biting, from The A-Z of Trauma Informed Teaching Join us as we delve into the complexities of behaviour, exploring how trauma influences aggression in educational settings. In this webinar we will be looking at why this may be happening and preventative strategies to help you move forward.
For more information click on the QR code or go to https://wwwtraumarevolutioncouk/events
UPCOMING MEET UP/LISTENING CIRCLE DATES Wednesday 4th February 2025
Men's Virtual Listening Circle
Hosted by Dave
Friday 7th February 2025
Surrey Listening CircleCamberley
For more information click on the QR code or go to https://www.naotp.com/training-events
Tuesday 11th March 2025
Men's Virtual Listening Circle
Hosted by Dave
Friday 7th March 2025
Surrey Listening CircleCamberley
ASKTHEEXPERTS Letourteamofexpertswithfirst-handexperience,guide youthroughsomeofthosetrickyTIPmoments! Inthisissue,wearejoinedbyEmmaEdwardswhohas answeredyourquestion.
JSfromNewcastleasks... Ihavea4yearoldchildandIamverynewtoTherapeuticParentinghaving justdiscoveredit.WheredoIstartwithstrategies?
TherapeuticParentingisa deeplynurturingapproachthat placesempathyatitsheart.It’s aboutcreatingasafespacefor ourchildren,wherefirmyetfair boundariesandroutineshelp themdevelopnewneural pathwaysintheirbrains This processdevelopstrustinadults andreassureschildrenthat theirlivesareconsistentand predictable Forexample, knowingtheywillhave breakfast,lunch,dinner,and snacksbringscomfortand stability.Usingvisualtimetables canbeawonderfulwayto supportthemastheynavigate theseroutines
Sairreplies:
Whenrespondingtoour children,thePACEmodelcanbe helpful,whichstandsfor Playfulness,Acceptance, Curiosity,andEmpathy.This approachhelpsusconnectwith ourchildrenonadeeperlevel andcaneasechallenging
moments.Forinstance,you mightgentlysay,“Wow,Ican seeyou 'refeelingabit wobbly.DidJakenotplay withyoutoday?Let’swork throughthistogether”This showsthemthatyou’rethere tosupportthemand understandtheirfeelings
Allowingourchildrentolearn throughnatural consequencescanbea powerfulteachingtool.Ifthey accidentallybreaktheir tablet/ipadbysmashingit againstthewall,itissadfor them,butitalsohelpsthem realisetheimportanceof takingcareoftheir belongings Similarly,when theyhitafriendandfind themselveswithouta playmate,theybeginto understandtheimpactof theiractions.It’sessential thatweresisttheurgetostep inandreplaceitemsorshield
themfromtheoutcomes,as thismayhindertheirability toconnectactionswith consequences Responding withnurturecanhelpthem understandtheprocessofa naturalconsequence,which happensorganicallyand canbeusedasalearning tool.
Avoidingshameisimportant indevelopingapositiveselfimageinourchildren.
Shamingcanreinforce beliefs,makingthemfeel “bad,”“unworthy,”or “unlovable”Instead,we wanttocultivatean environmentwheretheyfeel acceptedregardlessoftheir behaviour.
Doyouhaveaquestionaboutacertainbehaviouryourchilddisplaysorasituationwhichseemstricky? Writeintousviatheemailtips@coect.co.uktogetyourquestionansweredintheAsktheExpertssection.
Enhance YourSkills The Behaviour Assessment of Impact and Resolution Tool (BAIRT) Wednesday 19th February 10:00 am - 3:00 pm
Dursley, Gloucestershire
£120
To book a place contact us ...
https://tinyurl com/sccb9759
01453 519000
Professional Training for Career Growth
Are you a social worker, therapist, or a skilled therapeutic parent looking to enhance your skills in therapeutic parenting and fostering?
Join Sarah Naish for an insightful and interactive BAIRT Training Day!
What is the BAIRT? The Behaviour Assessment of Impact and Resolution Tool (BAIRT) is a groundbreaking interactive assessment tool designed to identify and address issues that may impact the stability of families and children.
This training will equip you with the knowledge and skills to use BAIRT effectively, ensuring better outcomes for the children and families you support.
Patrescence: Version of me 2.0 loading… Written By Russ Hartland-Shaw
I amnotentirelysureatwhat pointIsaidgoodbyetheold me Itwassomewhere betweenchanginganappy, crammedintoapublicloo
cubiclewithmylittleboy,ontopofa loocistern,Imightadd(thelackof babychangingfacilitiesinthemen’s roomcontinuestoastoundmebut that’sastoryforanothertime)and whenIleftmyjobandwentself employedasaLeadershipCoach
Throwinaglobalpandemicandan oldersonwithearlychildhoodtrauma andattachmentdifficultiesanditis safetosaytheoldmewaswelland trulygoneforever,banishedtothe historybooksandembarrassingly cringeworthysocialmediapoststhat tendtohauntyouwhenyouleast expectit Yousee,Imisstheoldme I mournmyoldlifesometimesandI havealwaysbelievedthatisok Iam, afterall,onlyhumanandbeinga parentishardsometimes,veryhard
Parentingislikethisweirdclubthatno onetellsyouthetruthabout,untilyou areinitandatthepointofnoreturn. Ofcourse,itgoeswithoutsayingthatI wouldn’tchangeanyofit Mynewlife andthenewmehasgivenmea purposeIneverthoughtpossible.It hasgivenmeperspectiveonlifeasI knowit,taughtmetolivemoreinthe momentandmostofall,ithasgiven metheopportunitytolovelikeIhave neverlovedbefore,hard,completely andunconditionally Thesetwolittle humansthataremineandmy husband’sresponsibilityhaverocked ourworld Forthebetter
That’snottosaythatworkingoutwho thisnewversionofmyselfwas,
straightforward,farfromit Ittook alotofsoulsearching,reflection andenergytodiscoverwhoIwas Ihadn’trealiseduntilrecently thereisatermforthis, patrescence.Thetermthat describesthespiritual,emotional, andpsychologicalchangesthat occurinfathersduringthe postpartumperiod.ExceptIthink thisisfarbroaderthanbecoming aparentviabirth Ibecamea father,asdidmyhusband,via adoptionandwewentfromalife ofonlyhavingtolookafter ourselvesandthedogstoalife withtwochildren,10monthsand 4yearsandallthegloriouschaos thatcomeswithtwosetsofvery differentneedsandcomplex developmentalstages,almost overnight.
Ihavetalkedtolotsofmenabout theeffectshavingchildrenhave onthemandIthinkthemost significantpointInoticeisthe shamethatmencanfeelfor admittingtheyfeeldifferentonce theirchildrenarrive.Itiswoven intothefabricofsocietythatmen mustbetheprotectorand providerfortheirfamily,they mustnotshowweakness,they musthavealltheanswersand aboveallelsenotbeaburdento theirotherhalveswhoare, understandably,dealingwith theirownissues.Soformen,it goesundertheradaratbest
andatworstthesefeelingsare buriedandignoredandallowed tofester Itisnosurprisethat relationshipsareunderthemost pressurewhenchildrenfirst comealong.
Let’sfaceit,thereisnotimeto showersomedaysletalonesit downandhaveadeepand meaningfulconversationabout howyouarefeelingwithyour significantother!Andsomen takeadeepbreath,saynothing andcarryon Yet,menarealso feelingaslostandunsureof themselvesastheirpartners are.ThemenIhavespokento alsocitethetwoweekpaternity leaveperiodascauseforfurther stress Itisnotthetwoweek periodthatistakentosettleinto the‘newnormal’itself,butmore thereturntoworkthatfollows thattheyfindstressful How manyofus,myselfincluded, havebeenguiltyofpackingoff amanwithawaveanda promisetoholdthefortwhile theyareawaywhentheyget thecallthattheyareaboutto becomeaparent,onlytopat themonthebacktwoweeks later,enquireaftertheirpartner, askafterthebabyandjoke aboutthefactsleepis underrated By930am,thepoor guyisuptohiseyesinemails andtryingdesperatelytopick upwhereheleftoff
Photo:
Ellie & Nicky in the wodds. ©Growing Me CIC
Photo: ©pexelverse via canva
Allthiswhen,inreality,hehasjust lefthispartnerinprobablythe mostvulnerablestatetheywillever bein,emotionallyandphysically speaking, andheissittingathis deskfeelinglikeanimposterinhis oldlife,onnosleepandtherefore noperspective Hisworldhas changedforeverandhehasno idea,inthatmoment,howtoeven begintomakesenseofit Weneed tobemoreawareofmen experiencingpatrescencebecause itisreal.Patrescence,like matresence,thefemaleequivalent, threatenstoupendaperson Inmy experience,patrescenceisall consuming,debilitating,confusing andnotinanywayhelpful
Patrescencecanbeidentifiedand brokendownas:
Changestoonesidentity
Emotionalchanges
·Changesinrelationships
Forme,alloftheaboveapplied,not tomentionfeelingsofinadequacy, andifIambeingcompletely honest,feelingsofregretanda massivelackofconfidence
Myadvicetoanyone experiencingpatrescence?Trust yourinstincts,confidein someoneclosetoyou,knowyou willworkitoutandwhatyouare feelingistemporary,allow yourselftogrow,embracethe changeandaboveallelse,be kindtoyourself Toanyone witnessingamanbecomea father,howeverthishappens, noticehim,checkinwithhim, empathiseandmakehimfeel safe.Safeenoughtoconfidein you,safeenoughtoexplorewho heisnowandultimatelyallow himtimetofigurethingsoutfor
himself.Itisoftenthestrongest andmostoutgoingofpeople whoneedtofeelseenand heardandjustsometimes,not feelliketheyneedtoprovide, protectandhaveallthe answers
RussHartland-Shaw–Husband, Papatotwoboysand TherapeuticParentingCoach
Referencinglinks
Dofathersgothrough patrescence?-NayaCareDate Accessed28/11/24
YoucanfindoutmoreaboutthesupportRuss offerstoparentsviahiswebsite https://wwwbreathebusinesscoachingcom
RussisalsoanAssociatewithTheHavenParenting &WellbeingCentre,partofTheCentreof ExcellenceinChildTrauma (CoECT)
TransitionsToBecomingAParent; AChangingSocialNetwork Written By Rebecca Pacy
Oneofthemanyactivitiesduring theassessmentforboth fostering,andadoption,isthe taskofdrawingyour‘circleof support’ Inmyexperiencethis wasatemplateofconcentric circles,andtheassignmentto drawthosepeoplewhosupport you,withtheirproximitytothecentre indicatingtheirsenseofcloseness; quiteliterallynamingyourinnercircle.
Ifoundthisafascinatingprocess,and aquestionIhadnotovertlyanswered before.Ihadfamily,friends,in-laws andcolleagues;butthinkingofwhoto nameandhowtolabel felt unfamiliar
MyhusbandandIfoundourselves talkingaboutthoseweanticipatedto begoodwiththechildren,themost patient,responsive,interestedorfun amongstotherthings Wereflectedon thereactionsweexperiencedtothe newsofournewfamily,and anticipatedtheemotionalsupport andpracticalassistanceindividuals hadexcitedlyoffered Wedrewour circles
Andtheneverythingchanged,as everythingdoesandwewelcomed newlittlepeopleintoourlives This waswonderful,chaoticand transformational;andourjoyatour familyformingbecameourpriority Howeverwenoticedthatasourlives changedshape,sodidoursupport circle.
Inthetransitiontoparenthood,and despitehoursofdiscussionsduring ourassessments,myhusbandandI appearedtohaveunderestimated howouranticipatedsupportive relationshipsmaychange…with individualsdisappearingaltogetherin somecases Understandablythere wereconversationsaboutthis possibilitywithsupportivesocial workers,andspeakingtofriendswith biologicalchildren Theyoftenshared
asenseofsurpriseatthepeoplewho attendedbabyshowersandexciting parties;butwhomwerenotably absentfromtheirnew,lessexciting, dailyroutines
Threeyearsintoourjourneywehad havetimetoreflectthisand recognisethatthenetworkwhichhas evolvedwithourfamily,istheright networkforus.
Brothersthatwehadanticipatedto bethe‘fununcle’havestepped beyondouranticipatedroleof deliveringcoolChristmaspresents (yeskaraokemachinewithloud microphone);buthavealsobeenon handtoassistwiththeschoolrun, andevenattendedschool performancestoensuretheloudest cheer Forus,anewdepthof conversationhasstarted;talking aboutourownexperiencesofbeing parented,sharinginformationabout trauma-informedparentingbut predominantlyenjoying‘being’a family.Wearealsolearningfromtheir verydifferentperspective;thevalueof fun,playfulactivitiesandtakingtime tomakememoriesfullofsillinessand giggles.
Friendswhoarebusywiththeirown
children,workandscheduleswho weanticipatedtobe‘toobusy’ havealwaysmadetimefora chattovent,laughandshare advice(orconfirmthatnoone knowstheanswer!) Thismay nowtaketheformofa messagingconversationacross days,ratherthanleisurely brunches,butisnoless supportiveandimpactful We recognisethatattimesdayscan feellong,stressfulandlonely; havingaspacetospeakwithout judgementisliberating,and keepsmerememberingwhoI wasbefore‘mum’.
Thesupportnetworkhasalso expandedinunanticipated shapes;Icouldnothave predictedthatfriendshipswould beformedontrainingevents,or atschoolgatesandknowthat previouslyIwouldhavedismissed thisasapossibility.However, beingopenandgettinginvolved hascertainlybrought opportunities;andthevalueof speakingwithotherswhoshare thisexperiencehasbeen invaluable
Othershavestruggledwithinour network;andoneofthemost
Photo:
painfulscenarioshasbeenwhen peoplehavestruggledwiththeir ownacceptanceofchildrenintoa dynamic,whoarenotbiologically related Fromourconversations withsocialworkers,weunderstood transitionforchildrenwhoareolder, orpresentwithbehavioursthat challengemaybecomplex; however,inourexperience,these werecategoricallynotthefeature. Inheartfeltconversations individualshavesharedtheirown struggletoacceptourchildrenas equaltothosewhoarebiologically related Importantlythisisno reflectionofthechildandwehave madethedecisiontogivedistance tothosewhocannotofferequal recognitionacrossourhousehold Thishasbeentough,andanother stressoratatimeofgreatchange; butultimatelytheloveofour childrenhasbeenthemost effectiveshieldtoprotectusfrom thisloss
saparent,itcanbe heartbreakingtoseeyourchild strugglewithsomethingthat seemssosimpleandnaturalto otherchildren
Whenreflectingacrossthese differentexperiences,we recognisedthatournetworkfelt scared,unknowingandafraidof ‘whattherightthing’was Forthose whothrived,itwastheirinterestand enthusiasmwhichnurturedpositive relationships;askingquestions, gettinginvolvedandawillingness tobevulnerabletothechildren We knowasadoptersandfoster parentswecannotexpectlove;we mustearnthechild’strustand nurtureagenuinelovingand consistenthome.Ournetworkhas
alreadychangedshape,andwe expectwilldosoagain;howeverwe knownowitisfullofpeoplewho wanttobepartofthejourney alongsideandourfamily
Myencouragementwouldbethat atatimewhenyouarebecominga parent,thatmustbeyourpriority; theremaybesadnessifpeople maychoosetomoveaway,but therewillbeinfinitelymorejoyas peoplewillsurpriseyouwiththeir love,commitmentandenergyto supportyournewfamily.
Rebeccaisatherapeuticfosterparentandspecialist consultant.Shehastwentyyearsofexperiencein designinginnovativetherapeuticsupportmodelsfor individualswhohaveexperiencedtrauma, neurodiversity,andmentalhealthneeds.
Launch Announcement: The Essential Guide to Kinship Care Wearethrilledtoannouncethereleaseof "TheEssentialGuidetoKinshipCare: Trauma-Informed,PracticalHelpforYou andYourFamily"bySarahNaishandEnza SmithMBE.Thisinvaluableresourceisnow availabletopreorderonAmazonandis outon21stFebruary!
Thisguideisdesignedtosupportkinship carersthrougheverystepoftheprocess, offeringpracticaladviceandtraumainformedstrategiestohelpboththe carersandthechildrenthrive.
Balancing the Parentload: Finding Peace Amidst the Morning Chaos Written by Gareth Thomas
Severalyearsago,Ireada newspaperarticlethathas stayedwithmeeversince Thearticlesharedastudy thatrevealedparentsdothe
equivalentofanextraday’swork everyweekbygettingtheirkids readyeachmorning.Athirdofthe parentsinvolvedinthestudygotup before5:30am,attemptingto grapplewiththemorningchaos.
Fulldisclosure the“study”wasn’t particularlyin-depth Itwaspartof themarketingstrategyforanew healthybreakfastsnackbaraimedat (ofcourse)busyparents Knowing thatdidn’tmatter Itfelttruefrommy ownexperience.Andiftheaverage parentwasdoinganextradayof workeachweek,wetherapeutic parentsmightjustbeworkingtwo full-timejobs.Atleast.
ForaslongasIcanremember,I’ve enjoyedearlymornings Inmyoldlife, theytypicallyinvolvedatriptothe gym,catchingupwithsomereading, orapeacefulmorningwalk Then, overnight,Ibecameasingleparent tothreekids.Perhapsunsurprisingly, thingschanged.
Istilllikemyearlymornings Now, theyexisttoaccommodateourtwo groceryshoppingdeliverieseach weekorasaone-hourwindowwhere I’mabletonotonlyputaloadof laundryintothewashingmachine butmiraculouslystillbeathome whenthemachinefinishes Iquickly learnedthatlifegetsbusywhenthe kidsstartwakingup
Andit’satthispointthatIbringa warningfromhard-livedexperience Don’tjustsetasidetimetogetmore done.Thoseraremomentswhenthe houseisquiet(andtheycanbeearly
mornings,lateevenings,or anythinginbetween,depending onyoursituation)don’tsimply existforthebenefitofyour endlessto-dolist Theyexistfor you.
Astherapeuticparents,weneed tobeemotionallyavailabletoour kidsasmuchaspossible.We mustconstantlyre-attuneto them,co-regulatewiththem,and sometimessimplysitwiththem Wecan’tdothatifwedon’tbegin bylookingafterourselves
Yes,Iwasstillupat5.30amforthis morning’sshoppingdelivery.And yes,Iputanotherbatchofendless laundryintothemachine Butin betweenthosemoments,Idid whateverIwantedtodo.Afew pagesofabook Acupoftea (enjoyedwhilestillhot!) Afew songsfrommyfavouriteplaylist Ormaybeevenjustthesoundof silence WhateveritwasthatI needed
Photo: ©CoECT via canva
I Need a Space to Vent Please don’t try to rescue me, I just need space to vent
I’ve said some awful things but it’s not quite what I meant
I am a tired parent and it’s all just got to too much
I can’t stop eating chocolate, it’s my secret little crutch
I’ve tried to get resources to help me cope much better
But all I’ve ever had is a another useless letter
Telling me that we don’t meet the threshold for support
But If things do get any worse then they might do what that ought
What planet are these people on, I need help right now!
So I make another phone call to some snotty trumped up cow
They’ve got a big long waiting list and I am at the bottom
But she’s sorry I am struggling and thinks it must be rotten
I had a look at Therapists who I must somehow fund
Where’s the money coming from, I’ll just wave a magic wand
The Therapists were very nice but hadn’t got a clue
How to manage trauma with a nine-year-old who’s two!
I contact social services begging them to come
So they put me on a course about how to be a Mum!
The course was bloody stupid and only covered theory
I attended feeling positive but left there feeling weary
Finally, I opened up to someone at the school
They assured me that they understood, but he can’t break all the rules
They’ve given him a star chart and he must get more then four
Or else he’ll be excluded and kicked right out the door
I sit at home deflated, I cannot take much more
Crying in a a great big heap upon the bathroom floor
If only I could find a way to get our lives on track
Cos I’m now out of resources and just about to crack
I wander down to Tesco’s to buy a fat cream cake
Then bump into another Mum whose suffered the same fate
She seems to be much better with the light back in her eyes
She asks me how I’m doing and I just stand there and cry
There’s hope and help she tells me, come with her and see
We’re at a Meet Up run by the CoECT
There’s others there who get it and will help me find a way
To get just what I need to face another day
WrittenbySarahDillon,“TherapeuticParenting:RhymeandReason:Thetrauma-
