Тheory оf Cogitality
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Terminology Cogitality – from the Latin cogito, think – means thoughtability in the most general sense. Some authors define this entity as The Universal Mind, others as an Energy-andInformation system, still others as God. lovinvent – a combination of the verbs Love + Invent, meaning the purest level of love and invention combined in one. one-is-us – the unity we are. All of us construct the whole and the whole is inside all of us.
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Preface, Sort of By your silence it was stopped – a lump of pain into my throat. I couldn’t breathe. My eyes I didn’t want to open, because the dream into my temple was so splendid... You pulled the trigger... The lump was the only that remained... Dream 11 – 13th of August Title: “NICKY…” Stairs. They are metal. It is dark all around us, but the steps are somehow lighted. We are together with Nicky. We carry something and try to escape from chasers. The thing we carry is important… And we both know this. We run up the stairs. Nicky lags behind, but follows me. We stop on a metal platform. I check up the thing. It is in my stock. A small package of white dust. We can feel the chasers behind. We go on running up the stairs. More and more. We reach the point and hand in the thing. We know that we’ve escaped from the chasers. Now I feel completely, absolutely calm… Interpretation: I don’t even want to think of this… I’m carrying death... But then why do I feel so calm? I try to turn off the dream from my mind… I forget it… I want to forget it…
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*** I had a new job for already a month. What was happening corresponded to the things written in the book. But both the title and the dream itself were strange: “… Things are the same” – what a title!? And the dream… I am a woman!? I walk down the corridor and I see plates on the doors. I reach for them and change them. I don’t know why I’m changing them, as they are all without titles… The dream even repeated two nights running. What did Cogitality want to tell me?? Then, while I was talking to the women from the library (God bless them they lent me 20 bucks), I suddenly realized the dream. This was! I was changing empty plates, because there wasn’t any content on them – so this change didn’t lead to anything! What was I changing? A job, where I didn’t earn anything, for a new one, where it was the same. The change was completely senseless. I just changed the emptiness for another emptiness. Well, what was happening corresponded to my dream. I worked for a month and when I asked for an advance (I hadn’t eaten anything for three days), the boss gave me 20 levs. Very funny… Only for the logo I made, I could ask for 60 levs… And she gave me the money with such unwillingness – as if she was giving me 2000… When I thought about it – this was what would happen – I would be left on the wrong side of the door once again. And the cell phone she gave me was an absolute museum piece. It worked only when it was charging, and not for sure. This was because I had to pawn my phone… And I ate it… Could I survive for a month with the 50 bucks I got for it… No matter, at least there was a phone…
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- Hi, Ivo, is this you? - Hi, Kalina, how are you? - I’m calling to tell you bad news. Nicky has a relapse… - I heard she was crying… - But… Everything was fine… He was on a holiday… - Yes – she started to cry loudly. – On the medical checkup before ten days he was fine, but suddenly… The doctors said that this is a third relapse, and… I’ll call in a while. I was thunderstruck. I felt I was still holding the receiver to my ear. They all said he was healed. Even Prof. Bobev ssaid that Nicky could stop all the medicines.. Oh, no! The dream! No! Till Friday, I had to earn money from somewhere… anywhere! In her second call, Kalina said that Nicky is again in the hospital. I had to go there. To see them, to support them… To make them believe again. Especially Nicky. I started to search for old business cards, to call anyone… What on hell, there were even no impulses in the phone card… At least, I had to take a “Bulphone” card for 5 levs. It’s fine that I have 16 levs left. I was going in circles as if I was mad… And suddenly “Evraziya” asked for a meeting. They had a pressing order. They really ordered. Business cards and labels. And they gave me an advance. … Nicky was behaving male. I saw it wasn’t easy for him, although he was smiling. Who wants to be in hospital again if has been there before… four years. I was sitting by him and wanted to give him my soul to heal him. He was only sixteen. Kalina had just left. The darkness of the midnight hospital
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was so heavy… Was smashing. I brought the book with me. If only he could read it... For me it was a remedy. If only… The following week was endless. But at least I launched the circulation. Everything was ok, till the moment when I reached the bus station. Tony met me with bad news: - Things are going bad. It seems that… he won’t take it. Bullshit! He is my son! He will take it, of course. So much time, pain, suffering… and he overcame it. He will do it again! But they had to tell me earlier… When I saw him, I couldn’t believe my eyes. It was… terrifying. I suppressed the fear... and smiled. - Hi, Nicky. How are you? Why did I ask? Half of his face was swollen and shapeless. His eye was closed – surely he couldn’t see with it. Despite all, he was trying to smile… The three following days were like a nightmare. On Friday night his other eye was also closed. I was praying all night long, I was crying, I was shouting inside me… On Sunday the swelling started to subside. He opened his eye. And before I left the hospital, he started to open the other as well… *** A frozen coldness under my eyes like thorns in blue is leaking … A cross, my God, your cross, and your pain are shining… The blood in blue is falling from grayness cold and empty, from our consciences spellbound, from our pain and our duty…
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The feet are now in embers, the eyes are burnt from cold. The cold on bedsheets… It is so cold and blue. You are shining, God, into my soul, to let me all forgive, to let me all forget… And to forget delusions, lit by the blue-grey sheets, heavy with the cold… Cold, my God, into the soul, cold, my God, into the bodies… Cold, my God, into the feelings. And the warmth of grave. Embrace me into your shining, and let me purify my life, and let me forget the all impure, and let me be just dust, scattered on the emptiness of blue under the stilly eyelids… I love, my God, so much I love into my life to die… *** - Will you pay me anything or not? –we were talking in the room she called “office”. - This is the second month I work for you, and you’ve given me 20 levs. - Give me back the mobile! -When I receive my money, I’ll give it! – I got furious. She didn’t pay me anything, I was working for her on my own computer, and all the other things… What on hell!!!
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It was the 22nd of September at noon. I took my equipment and placed it in the library’s basement. I had returned her the mobile. And I took the first one I could buy. They would activate the card in 24hours. This wasn’t a problem. Kalina told me that Nicky was feeling better. The edema was gone. God bless the firm “Evraziya”. I could pay with the money they gave me. The only thing I had to do was to take the business cards and bring them to Marian in the press. I was carrying the package with cards. It was heavy. It was about four in the afternoon. I was walking down the boulevard and trying to catch a taxi. One car stopped, I threw the cards on the backseat, and sat down in front. - To “Polygraphsnab”, then I’ll direct you. The driver urged on. I was thinking that I had to give the cards and then immediately to dart off for the bus station, and to take the bus at 6 p.m. Till midnight, I would be in the hospital. One hour ago the mobile still wasn’t on. I decided to try once more. - Hello? - Ivo? - Yes. What is going on? - I’m sorry… Forgive me… I’m sorry!!! - What… - Nicky died yesterday. We buried him today. I’m sorry… The sky went dark and collapsed above me. *** Dreams are what we call Truth. Truth as it is. The truth of life… of time… of infinity… of Cogitality. One uncondi-
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tional dedication to us. Dedication to, upon and for itself (cogitality), and also to, upon and for everything else. Dreams show us the true way to life, suggest how to overcome our inhibitions, prejudices, filters… They show us the hard moments in future to accept them… and to forgive… I was lying on the four chairs, emaciated of hunger, and was chewing the unstoppable feeling of guilt. I was guilty for everything around me – for they weren’t paying me, while I was good in my job, for I was four years in Sofia and couldn’t make my way, for I abandoned my family… For the mother of my younger daughter fell for someone else, left me and the country to search for her happiness... while I gave so much to show them that I was a good husband and father. For my elder daughter didn’t want to talk to me at all, blaming me in immorality and lack of love (and I loved them so much). For Nicky was gone… The sentence was one: GUILTY I fell asleep… Half-awake, I started to write down the pictures of the message… Title: „Returning to the past? A feeling of forgiveness?” I see mostly “The White Spring”. There is something strange in the air. I feel it, but I can’t understand what it is. I look at the spring. It is completely the same. The square in front of it. The stairs. The parapets, the meadow sidelong… Everything is on its place. I’m looking for the invisible. The
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feeling isn’t positive, but isn’t very negative as well. Strange. Frames are changing more and more – the trellis vine, the sidewalk in front of the house of my grandpa and mamma, the now asphalted squire, the path to the other spring… I move away from the feeling. I come back. The White Spring again – nothing strange. Maybe only that it is wet all around it, but only in the grass… The squire itself is dry and I can feel the warmth there. Heat. The Sun is burning. It is about noon. There are no people. I’m walking down the street. In front of me there is the green wooden gate of the first house. I remember that there was another house where lived someone I played with, when we were children. I’m trying to recall his name… What is this all for…? The old walnut-tree. The soft aroma of security because my grandpa is there. The vineyard, the morello-tree, the hill, and the sun – warm and burning, expelled people from the streets… A summer timelessness. But why? Interpretation: I woke up with a feeling of forgiveness… But the unpleasant rankling feeling was still there… I was lying on the four chairs, just awaken, with a piece of paper in my hand. “To forgive? What for? Haven’t I been through a lot? Why does timelessness have to talk to me? Or...” Was I wrong? Returning to the past – did I have to analyze it? Maybe. I started the analyses while I was still lying. First of all, there was my criticism. Whatever, wherev-
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er, whoever I looked at, I was searching for the defects and faults. I was doing it constantly. Most of all, I loved to criticize the other people. I examined every single person in order to find his weaknesses. So, I could humiliate him, I could say that I was better! Because I wanted to feel important and significant. My thinking was twisted, devoid of compassion. My criticism was evolving in accusations. I was like a judge who thought that he was always right. I was passing sentences about everything and everywhere. This poisonous behavior was the main reason for the sentence I passed to myself. I had embodied the feeling of dignity and sufficiency in my idea that I was ALWAYS right. I had the necessity everyone to admit that I was right! I dressed up and went to the church “St. Nedelya”. I lit several candles. I sat on one of the chairs… “… The conviction that we are always right and have to defend our rightness by all means, generates negativity and contradistinction, which leads to isolation and stores up emotionality inside us. This emotionality makes us confront ourselves, and as it leads to isolation, there is no one to share it with. So we start to carry the heaviness of loneliness. And when this all goes beyond our abilities, self-destruction of the organism starts. In the beginning it is in a lighter form – some kind of a disease, but if we don’t pay attention, it may go further – to the self-destruction. How is it expressed? We’ve done something which confronts ourselves. We may not realize it, but our organism suggests it to us – we get ill. In a lighter form. We go to a doctor. We take some medicines and forcibly get over the illness. But the contradiction stays. Next time the
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disease gets worse, because the contradictions add up. We get isolated, we don’t share anything, we don’t analyze… The outcome may be disastrous – our organism makes a decision to destroy itself – tumors, leucaemia, anorexia, meningitis…” This is forgiveness for. To accept our life sincerely and to overcome a part of the burden of our own emotions. The more emotional is forgiveness, the better. And also to accept forgiveness as a way and principle of existence - from the past till today. This is timelessness for. There is no particular time to forgive, to accept. And also, forgiveness comes from the inside. That’s why the place in my dream is deserted. The essence of the process is to clear up the contradictions – to those who are in the world around you – no matter if this is you or someone else. Just forgiveness. Just acceptance. For yourself and for the others. “I forgive! I accept every difficulty you’ve created, and everything you have or haven’t done to me. I forgive and accept myself and the world, if I have hurt anyone because of my ignorance and faults!” The interesting thing is that you don’t feel guilt. Somehow you look at things from a different viewpoint. You imagine how to a certain person happens something pleasant – he has what he’s striving for. You see him smiling, happy, pleased. You want something good to happen to everyone. This is a part of the process of forgiving. Not everything is easy. But if you’re persistent, you’ll reach emotional and spiritual change, which is essential for you to free yourself from the burden of guilt. When I had inhibitions and couldn’t succeed, I was reading one of my poems which helped me loosen my own curbs:
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Let me forgive Have I thanked you for your choice, my love? For I am here and now, I am? Have I thanked you for your tenderness, for your enchantment, and your flame? Have I thanked you? No, there’s no memory… Where is the pain, my love? Why does the tear fall upon my cheek unshaven, and why because of thought my hand have shaken? Did you forgive me for I had been in your soul? Did you forgive me for it was not my fault at all, for when I was so happy I counted up the stars for you… Did you forgive me for I was waiting “Yes” from you… Now go away! Let me forgive myself! Can’t you see that everything is burnt in me… But this is why, my love, I thank… With my life, with my soul, with my death – I thank!
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It is difficult to desire something fine for the others. But when you observe their and your behavior, you start to know, to understand their motives. So you accept and free yourself from guilt. I gave the forgiveness with sincerity and I accepted the world. There was an immense relief – the burden was becoming smaller. Probably I understood that forgiveness actually frees myself. I got up from the creaking chair. My thoughts were occupied by forgiveness. The candles weren’t gone out. There was some kind of energy in the church. My hands were tingling for I had been for so long in the church. I hadn’t wiped off the tears in my eyes… I didn’t remember how long it took. I didn’t remember the people around me. I remembered only the color of the flame, and the feeling. A feeling of warmth. I knew where it came from. I had forgiven. Everyone. I felt intuitively that they had forgiven me as well. Most of all, Nicky. He was by me. In me. To help me… Even the unpleasant rankling feeling disappeared… Let’s free those who we know. And also those who we don’t know. For they to be happy. To be all happy. To accept them and to give them… The biggest happiness is to give happiness! *** Now, when I am writing this lines, I am sure that forgiveness is Acceptance. Acceptance of what everyone is! With no judgments, no meanings, no consequences from all
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these. Actually, both forgiveness and faith are Acceptance. In the first case, we accept the world of the holograms. In the second – we accept the existence of cogitality. When we achieve the first, our lives start to “get arranged”. Through the second, we lose the nervousness, confusion, contradistinction, the feeling of guilt and the wish to consider ourselves victims. We don’t see things as good or bad anymore. There is neither good, nor bad. Our own Ego creates the meanings for what is good or bad… I cannot be sure for you… I believe!