Of louse and men. Meet my small friend Stan
The world's shortest man
Looking out for a pet Dismissed most he met Wishing he'd never began.
Lesser than a grouse Knee-high to a mouse The snake and the snail
All these they did fail So he chose a hairy louse.
Parrot
Pretty Polly, quite a dolly Certainly wants a cracker. She's called Molly, and good golly, She's game and is no slacker.
I have a cage, and done in rage
Encased she is my booty. Well I'm no sage, there'll be outrage I love a bird with beauty.
The Donkey
My father was a sailor
He sailed the seven seas
His father was a tailor
My mother worked with fleas.
My uncle climbed a mountain
My sister was a drunk
My cousin built a fountain
My niece she trained a skunk.
My role is much more easy I work an eight hour day I sound all rough and wheezy
And stand in field and bray.
Pint size puppy.
Pint size puppy is so small Loves to play with favoured ball Rushes back when mummy call Stand well clear when mummy fall.
Pint size puppy loves his dad He thinks best dad ever had Pint size puppy he's quite bad See his eyes, completely mad.
Pint size puppy knows his role Some times hide them in a hole
Keep some bits in kitchen chiller Puppy is serial killer.
Troubled Rat
I've been black-balled from committee
Once the Rabbi, such a pity, Had a beard now quite clean shaven
Chose this table as my haven.
On my head I wore a kippah
From fishmonger called Philippa, Lines were crossed, it was pure herring "It's for eating, not for wearing".
Finally last straw was broken
To make up I cooked a token, Meal turned out a massive flop Potato carrot and pork chop.
The Merchant called Dennis.
Dennis was a merchant
That hound he needed cash
When his till was empty
To Shylock he would dash.
"Loan me cash" said Dennis
My hardware store needs wire
Shylock was a feline
Spent most time by the fire.
Dennis had his money
Pressed against his flesh
Shylock had his promise
A pound of hardware mesh.
The Tour Guide.
The tour head guide has brought his book Of visitors moans and gripes,
"They want to see the charming stuff"
"They're smart and clever types".
"They moan about your rancid breath" "Your coarse and bestial ways", "Your backside scratching on a tree" "Your bloodshot red eyed gaze".
"These tourists come from far and wide"
"They pay their hard earned cash",
"Your crumpled suit, that tasteless tie" "And that awful horrid tash".
Archbishop Parker and the tiger.
Archbishop Parker
That pulpit barker
Born in fifteen oh four, Eavesdropping Harker
His methods darker
My tax affairs he saw.
He laid his marker
Could not be starker
He made me rage and roar,
With grindstone sparker
My fangs much sharper
His end came by my jaw.
Expressionism Cat.
A cat a rat a kangaroo
I'm what you want me to be, I'm the arty shape-shifting cat
Expressionism pussy.
My rounded shapes or maybe square
Are they blue or red or pink,
Hey look, I see a yellow bird
In a Homburg hat I think.
I'm upside down, I'm inside out
I'm a house a mouse a squid.
See what you want in my picture
I see half a million quid.
The Time Traveller
My name is Morgan Fix
I'm from nineteen thirty six
I've time travelled here from the past.
With my little doggy Clive
Well I see you're still alive
But your ring road leaves us aghast.
I have a big black phone
You know the type at home
Plugged to the wall by a socket.
But now before my eyes
Saw one a tiny size
In some young girls back pocket.
I think there'll be a war
In fact I'm pretty sure
And beer will soon be a shilling.
Did that mister Hitler do
The threats he made to you
Your Cathedral, it was chilling.
Shrodinger's Gnat by Milton his cat.
This is the man who killed a gnat
A poisoned box and that was that.
Gnat in a box was alive and dead
Schrodinger was off his head.
In the box he bid me to climb
Also inside some deadly grime.
Add to that radioactive source
Enough I think to kill a horse
Well in the end he had to go
A threat to me and I said no.
Some of his poison in his tea
Gnat then Schrodinger rather than me.
Fluffy Feline Quintet.
The cat with the fiddle He once played in middle Of the Fluffy Feline Quintet. They once had Marcello So superb on chello Who used up nine lives for a bet.
The Bengal was cancelled His stand then dismantled The group was then down to just three.
The Persian then bit A lump of catnip Then climbed up the nearest tree.
With just two on stage
And audience rage Their problem was understood fully. "We have a few spares" "They're coming upstairs" Two hounds and an XL Big Bully.
Puppy Love.
At the kennels by reception
Stands a lady hewn of stone
To dogs eyes a cruel deception
To dogs eyes she could be bone.
Little Ted a crossbreed whatnot Fell in love as dogs will do Some will frown, he gives not one jot
He intends to charm and woo.
Little Ted in passion fury
Spoiled himself on cold stone leg
Should end up before a jury
Can't control his thrusting peg.
Bad Hare Day
Year is nineteen forty four Lack of stylists due to war, Country asks men to grasp baton Salon work without a hat on.
Up steps Bert from working farm Good reference "He'll do no harm", Has ideas to mix and match Just the critters yet to catch.
Here's his best creation yet Dismissing all farmyard pet, Worn up high with grace and flair Battered boozy rampant Hare.
Parrot Blues.
I woke up one morning
My baby let me down She took all of my peanuts And slipped out of this town.
I woke up next morning They repossessed my perch The bank took back their money And left me in the lurch.
My children done and left me
My life is stick and carrot
I'm feeling kinda lousy As sick as a sick Parrot.
Capo Cat.
Da wise guys tried ta drop dis boss
Wid hatchet blade and dental
floss
Call dem brave, I call dem crappo
Mugs don't best dis feline capo.
Day hid away my Tommy Gun
Day left a fiddle, ain't dat fun
Need my wheels, my Studebaker
Gimme keys or meet your maker.
Youse know dis capo is da boss
I'll use dis bow, youse guys are dross
I'm Capo Cat second ta none
Oh! Youse got my Tommy Gun.
Gigolo Hound. This night could bring
That special thing
The wave you crave of passion,
First hear my tune
Then not too soon
This body I'll not ration.
My serenade
Softly played
Throughout my fervor staying,
Alight your gaze
It could amaze
My ardor is displaying.
My love so sweet
Your fast heart beat
No soul would take the Mickey, A gift pure gold
For love untold
Or five pounds for a quickie.
Churchillian Hippo. They want to take away our swamp
Our habitat of choice
I say we'll fight and stamp and stomp
They'll listen to my voice.
We shall defend our water hole
With iron in our blood
Total victory is our goal In storm and sticky mud.
We'll bite them on the beaches
We'll bite them on the shore
Throughout all my speeches
We'll bite them more and more.
We'll bite them on the landing ground
And on the grassy knoll
We'll bite them and we'll beat them sound
We'll bite each water vole.
Old Grizzly Dean.
The Dean is in her cloisters
A sighting seen quite rarely She strolls aside the green grass That means she's walking squarely. She growls while seeking failings She treats the staff unfairly A temperament that's primal She can be so so scary.
Avoid those wicked talons I'll face if you should dare me Somewhat Grizzly facets She's almost human Barely.
Esmeralda and the Hunchback.
My name is Esmeralda
My boyfriend has a hunch
Not that thing on his back
It's one concerning lunch.
He told me to turn veggie
He swears that I eat meat I sit up in the belfry
To kill the birds I eat.
My boyfriend is a Hunchback
So angered when he smells
Each slaughtered bloody pigeon
He swings and pulls his bells.
He climbed up to the transept
A feat because he's fat
With fruit and a mixed salad
To tempt this hungry cat.
No allegiance.
I feel no allegiance
I only feel grievance For people's achievements It all counts for nought.
I can't take the royals Who hoard country spoils I don't fit with loyals A rebel of sorts.
So keep your MPs And people who please And your social disease For my mind can't be bought. Wuf.
On the Contrary.
I do feel allegiance
I feel no aggrievance For people's achievements They count more than nought.
I do like the Royals Who earn Country spoils I do fit with loyals A blue blood of sorts.
So trust your MP's And people who please There's no social disease For this cat can be bought.
Theseus's Paradox.
I'm sure I'm still me
With new eyes to see
So much was added or taken,
All legs were renewed More bits were then glued
My own ears and humps forsaken.
New tail and new dong
Put where they belong Eight toes a gift from my master,
This camel mark two
With slow acting glue
Held firm by good sticking plaster.
Monkey's Birthday.
Today was a Monkey's Birthday
I think that she was three I couldn't help my reflexes And ate her by a tree.
Her mother gave a dress of red Her father shoes of blue
Her uncle a new kitchen bowl Of course I ate them too.
Today was a Monkey's Birthday
Remains lay in a ditch
Next Birthday no more bad guy
These monkeys give me stitch.
A Bee or not a Bee
Soaring through the fields so empty Flying high in search of mate, It was once that beaus were plenty Sixteen weeks since her last date.
Flit around a broken wasteland
Empty field where flowers stood, All redundant mowers banned Now convinced rewilding good.
Looking for her soul mate truly Scanning fields and endless sky, Nature can act so so cruelly "Where's my mate, my dragonfly".
No such thing as a free lunch.
I'm invited out to lunch
More than brunch, I've a hunch I'm invited out to lunch
I think this will be fun.
Been invited by my friends Are there hens? That depends Been invited by my friends They asked if I can run.
Strange to luncheon in backyard
Gate now barred, dog for guard
Strange to luncheon in backyard
My that's a massive gun.
One for Sorrow.
Little guy, I'm one for sorrow
Maybe there'll be two tomorrow
Your friend count stands at zero
Everyone can't be a hero.
Little guy, just flesh and marrow
Like a weedy little sparrow
Tiny pup all skin and bone
Friendless sad and all alone.
Little guy, I'm one for sorrow
Maybe if some wings you'd borrow
I'll guarantee one day you'll fly
Like mischievous magpie.
Journey to the Channel Islands.
Catfish dogfish catfish tuna
Whiting whiting dory carp.
Tuna tunny tuna moray
Rockfish tuna gurnard. Sark?
Dory dory herring flounder
Grouper whiting haddock carp.
Herring tuna grouper tuna
Rockfish catfish tunny. Sark?
Haddock herring dory tuna
Grouper snapper tunny carp.
Whiting rockfish blowfish tunny
Flounder grouper cod. AH SARK!
Oh! SHARK!
Rewilding.
Once amid a grassy medow Sat a maiden cast of stone.
Somewhat lonely quite forsaken Beauty should not rest alone.
Then a handsome rugged dog fox Promised pretty vixen care.
Strung along this starstruck vixen Waited long for tasty fare.
Cheating dog fox had another Slunk back home with wife to sleep. What is left for this sad vixen
Sit with statue both to weep.
Da wise guys.
Da wise guys came to take control
They're running a mean racket.
Sugs and Mugsy, they're on a roll
They're gonna make a packet.
"We wanna cut, we wanna score"
"Youse mugs ain't gonna fink".
"Youse know dat snitching stoolie bore?"
"Fell off da mountain we tink".
"An don't youse river mugs refuse" "Youse betta do our wishes".
"How's about an impromptu snooze" "Like sleeping wid da fishes"
Dreaming of a AK 47
I wish I had a pony Instead of this old mutt, I wish I had a tree house Instead of dad's old hut. I wish I had a pussy Against precocious hound, I wish I had a shovel I'd put him in the ground.
I wish I had a shotgun
I wish I had an axe, I'd have some target practice And rain down whacks and whacks.
I wish I had a gallows
I wish I had a blade, There's still room in the freezer I killed that awful maid.
Are you resigning Prime Minister.
"Prime Minister, Prime Minister"
"Are you going to quit?"
"Prime Minister, ratings are down"
"You're not liked one bit".
"Prime Minister, Prime Minister"
"What about the sleeze?"
"Prime Minister, your pals are rich"
"This country's on it's knees".
"Prime Minister, Prime Minister"
"You clearly broke the law"
"Prime Minister, that prostitute"
"Surely the final straw".
"Prime Minister, Prime Minister"
"Your wife they say you sold her"
"Prime Minister, just one more thing"
"That parrot on your shoulder?".
Sat Nav Toucan.
I'm not too good at directions So many times I bungle, I can't workout the pathways This place is like a jungle.
I've employed a Sat Nav Toucan She's positioned up on high, She knows the tracks and all the routes But wishes that we could fly.
She avoids the crocs and hippos We bypass gorge and river, It's the packs of hungry lions I don't think I'll outlive her.
Donkey Quixote.
Fighting windmills is my passion
Battle with all my might,
Charge with lance, it is the fashion
Careful, I hear they bite.
Sancho Panza trusty sidekick
Stitches when I bleed, Warning me of windmill cheap trick Calling to take heed.
Tricky windmill does now reveal With a knowing laugh, Sails are made of razor sharp steel I've been sliced in half.
Sir Bondage.
My love is like a red red rose
Bent with the wind and rain,
All petals fallen to the sod
Now bare and with no shame.
My love is like my little cat
She sits and purrs all day, Frustrating when I do the chores
She lays down in the way.
My love is like a bondage girl
All rubber mask and zip, And if I'm naughty I am told She'll strike me with her whip.
Hopeful Rabbit.
I'll put my best foot forward I'll dress up to the nines I'm in Britain's Got Tallent I've entered seven times.
My lovely coloured costume
My clarinet plays well I sing and dance and posture I start off from the bell.
I have no sad sob story My family all give shame I hit and eat my children I don't think I'll find fame.
The Big Cheese.
It seems to me, it's plain to see That you're not clearly thinking, They tell you lies, confuse your mind I'll fill your forms with ink in. They call you slow, I think not so And certainly no waster, This job's for you, you'll love it too My small new mousey taster.
And I'll pay well, and you can tell I'm certainly no miser, And your new role, your only goal My rodant appetiser.
Flight to the Channel Islands.
Blackbird sparrow bluetit magpie
Starling chaffinch sparrow lark, Magpie starling booby gannet
Sparrow dunnock seagull SARK?
Chaffinch starling magpie gannet
Bluetit buzzard sparrow lark, Seagull booby starling buzzard
Blackbird gannet magpie SARK?
Seagull dunnock gannet fulmar
Booby seagull booby lark, Gannet starling seagull sparrow
Seagull booby shag, Ah! Sark.
OH NO! SHARK!
Root-a-toot-a-toot.
Gonna play a special piece Root-a-toot-a-toot.
This is for my little niece Root-a-toot-a-toot.
She hopped around all the day Root-a-toot-a-toot.
Climbed up haystacks made of hay Root-a-toot-a-toot.
She was young and she was shy Root-a-toot-a-toot.
Danger seemed to pass her by Root-a-toot-a-toot.
She was eaten by a fox Root-a-toot-a-toot.
Nothing left to fill a box Root-a-toot-a-toot.
Pontoon Boom Room.
The turn of card, it can't be hard I stood to make a packet, Those shifty guys, I wasn't wise That game it was a racket.
I bet my pile, and all the while They smiled like happy mates, They robbed me blind, not one was kind I couldn't beat the fates.
They cleaned me out, how could I shout I'm foolish and not able, But one good thing, that I did bring A bomb under the table.
Botany Bay.
I'm off to Botany Bay boys I'm off to Botany Bay, I robbed the Lincon stagecoach And now I have to pay, They gave me twenty two years Well that's a long long stay, I'm off to Botany Bay boys I'm off to Botany Bay.
I'm off to Botany Bay girls I'm off to Botany Bay, I drank and sang and nuzzled Much wenching every day, This swine will miss you truly My outlook very grey, I'm off to Botany Bay girls I'm off to Botany Bay.
The feeder of the band.
I'm lower than a snakes belly
See me slither, turn to jelly Am I nice, not on your nelly, I ate those guys with flutes.
Now the band is shrinking fast
That horn section, thing of past And I had that rat who grassed, I'm needing new recruits.
Hearing of a good promotion
Men in suits will start the motion Suggest I should use a lotion, Something about boots.
Tadpole Domination.
Now my girls and little sons Swimming there in twos and ones, You tadpoles in our pond nation Need to know the situation.
We could rule this weedy pool There's one pike and he's a fool, Rise up strong, let's beat that fish Domination is our wish.
First we breed you hear me say Breed and hop through night and day, Copulate and go for broke Cigarette then rousing croak.
Ghastly Gaucho.
He's my gaucho, ouch-oh ouch-oh
Brutal with his whip, I'll kick gaucho, I can vouch-oh
He'll soon lose his grip.
Not so macho, now he's down so Sprawling in the sand, Hot horse iron, in his pouch-oh He's all set to brand.
Mark his buttocks, ouch-oh ouch-oh
Burn him with my name, Bend him over, see him crouch-oh Both buttocks aflame.
The Grifter.
Amid the jungle tangle
Where vine and debris rots
A card school is invaded Along a leopard trots.
"Deal me in", she demanded "I'm fed up playing slots" "I've plenty coin for table" Her cash she gladly drops.
The others looked uncertain Her cheating was known lots The problem is with leopards Is never changing spots.
Pint Size Puppy Continuation.
Here's that puppy you recall Loves to play with favoured ball Was not mummy had that fall Daddy is bricked up in wall.
Pint size puppy got quite mad Turned his bayonet on his dad Now loves mummy really bad He thinks best mum ever had.
Pint size puppy is well fed Eats then sleeps in little bed Dreams of mummy in his head
Endless meals when she is dead.
Channel Island Trilogy.
Poodle poodle boxer whippet
Bulldog corgi griffon park,
Sheepdog poodle boxer bulldog
Pointer spaniel whippet sark!
Ridgeback boxer corgi griffon
Poodle pointer spaniel carp?
Bulldog sheepdog poodle boxer
Spaniel boxer whippet bark!
Grouper herring corgi tuna?
Poodle tuna haddock carp?
Herring flounder tunny tuna?
Snapper grouper tuna shark!
OH! SHARK!
Scaredy Cat.
I'm afraid.
I'm afraid I broke that dish.
I'm afraid I killed your fish.
I'm afraid I scratched your chair.
I'm afraid I coughed up hair.
I'm afraid that puppy died.
I'm afraid the children cried.
I'm afraid I spat in milk.
I'm afraid I ripped up silk.
I'm afraid I tortured mouse.
I'm afraid I'll ruin this house.
I'm afraid I bit the vet.
I'm afraid you hate this pet.
I'm afraid all night and day.
You're afraid I'll run away.
Triple Gorilla Haiku.
I drew the short straw A Haiku---well what a bore I did hope for more.
This isn't my style I'd rather write a long while Using wit and guile.
This ending not fine Very poor work a crime Not even punch line
Expulsion of the Menagerie.
We're off to Botany Bay boys
We're off to Botany Bay.
We've finished our rhymes
All sorts all kinds
Had torrid times
Broadened some minds, We're off to Botany Bay boys
We're off to Botany Bay.
We're off to Botany Bay girls
We're off to Botany Bay.
We've had our way No more to say
Now if we may We'll leave and pay,
We're off to Botany Bay girls
We're off to Botany Bay.
