People

The Estate Agents

Just remember our brief The deep tunnels beneath Were filled in with cement and bricks, There's nothing to fear They may smell of beer Was something to do with the mix.

They may hear some noise They may think it's boys We'll tell them it's heard at all sites, It may sound like dancing And drunken feet prancing Just put it down to the sprites.

The Shipping Forecast.

The BBC is in a flap

They have a script, chart and map Shipping Forecast almost due

But no reader, what to do?

Grab a man from out back Make it up or get the sack

Older man, no trace of woke

Just an ordinary bloke.

"Flashing dogging caught fine"

"Boozing drunkard beer or wine"

"Betting gamble rent away "

"Thrown out home for rest of day"

"Flatulence bad, wind warning "

"Smell lingering all morning"

"General synopsis storm greater"

"Need new position for later".

Estate Agents Part 2

Right, here's our next sell

And as you can tell It's chocolate box yummy and nice, But what we don't say Is that every day It's crawling with big rats and mice.

There's no gas or stuff

The roof's made of fluff In winter they'll shake and shiver, The wind blows right through It hasn't a loo They have to pee into the river.

Inflatable Thatcher.

I have a blow up Thatcher She came with bag and whip I can't take no more bending My back now gives me jip.

I place her in the back seat So regal and serene She makes my car look special Like driving with a queen.

We dine out once a fortnight She's very cheap to please And when she has a puncture I fill her holes with cheese.

Scouser Mouser

While walking in the cloisters I witnessed such a view, A man in the Cathedral Beside a Cockapoo.

I rubbed and stroked it's belly I asked what was it's name, The Cockapoo said "Archie " And that the man was tame.

There used to be a mouser

Catching rats and mice, But now they use a Scouser He's course but mostly nice. The Scouser found religion The Cockapoo a bone, But someone killed a pigeon The killer stays unknown.

Sugar Daddy

I want a Sugar Daddy A man to treat me nice, To shower me with roses And feed me candy mice.

I want to meet a hero So dashing and so strong, A ripped tanned torso And dressed just in a thong.

I want to fly to Pluto Have Royalty for friends, I'd bathe in champagne daily And be rid of split ends.

Wedding Cake Mistake

We wanted icing red and blue We wanted stand with ribbon too, We wanted figures on the top We trusted him, he couldn't stop.

He baked us this ghastly gate Where's the sponge for goodness sake, All grey stone and turrets high Our first response was to cry.

But then again we are ahead A turret each for wedding bed, A nice big gap to save a fight We'll have the perfect wedding night.

The Humane Lover.

I posted ad for partner I asked for someone wise I forgot which stature They sent me super size.

She's very good at cooking She says it keeps me home I eat all sorts of dishes And give the dog a bone.

I will now mention bedtime In this she tries to please I go and fetch a ladder It's that or on her knees.

Scheming Husband

I say darling be a pearl Lend me a ten, there's a girl.

Come to think, maybe twenty I can see you have plenty.

Actually about your car

You know my job takes me far.

Fill her up, I'll take good care Don't want mine to suffer wear.

One thing petal, your sister My trip has a fine vista.

I'll take her and enjoy view Such a sweet version of you.

The Wolfman.

See the moon full at it's height

Foolish people walk at night

In my grasp you'll meet your plight

Ripped by vicious fangs.

I'm the Wolfman, rough course hair

Lope along without a care

Rip a throat for just a dare

Feeding hunger pangs.

Don't be fooled by what you see I'm the Wolfman, look at me

Rip a throat, let blood run free

Then my cell door clangs.

The Caffeine Detective.

I think therefore I am Don't frankly give a damn It's plain to me, I hold the key To figure out this scam.

I think therefore I'm smart I set off from the start I'll balance books, ignore the crooks Resolve it hand on heart.

I think therefore I'm seen To be fair I'm keen The caffeine jug, the coffee club I'll retrace every bean.

Our Modern Godiva

Here comes our modern Godiva

Flashing her thighs for a fiver

Strong legs, a natural born jiver

Underwear, I can't see either.

Through the cloisters on her bike

Windy day, see her dress hike

Higher the dress, more to like Hurricane force, she'll scream YIKE!

She is one tourist attraction

Where she lays is a compaction

Money paid, she keeps a fraction

Rump sore, an ointment subtraction.

Black-balled

I've been black-balled by committee I had such plans, what a pity Just because I called Ted pretty Cute in pale pink socks.

I've been thrown out of the restroom Had a fight and broke their best broom That attendant---yes I did groom And stole toilet blocks.

I've been banned from the building Other members so unyielding Now they look for some safe shielding When I throw my rocks.

The Rotting Dead

There was I, six foot under Feeling rain, hearing thunder

What's going on I did wonder So lonely after death.

Up on top a cold grey stone

Underneath my pile of bone Must admit, I felt alone

Once I smelt some meth.

Then I thought---enough of this I'm not ready for abyss Up again to walk, oh bliss Shame my rotten breath.

Nice Scrabble Club

"I go first, my word is TROUBLE, Fifty straight off and a double "

"Linking down, my go TEMPLATE Sixty two points, that is great."

"I'll pluralize, I add SPY."

"Twenty one points sneaky guy. YEAR straight down, and that's a triple."

"That's some word, I'm in a pickle.

Now for me, I'm putting HOPE."

"Straight across double, PERICOPE."

"That's biblical and a fifty.

You're just so smart and so nifty.

Well I think I'm really done, My seven tiles are all worth one."

"Jolly good game. The same next week?"

"Yes, and maybe I'll end your streak."

Rough Rabble Club

"MINGLING SLOB, that's a double."

"That's no word. I'll burst your bubble."

"Give me points you ugly pug, Quit cheating me, I'm no mug."

"I'll lay BOOZY, like you fully."

"Oh yeah, I'll put X L BULLY."

"Get that mutt off the table. You know it's not all that stable."

"I say you cheat you dirty rat. I see more tiles on the mat."

"Backyard now, I'll lay you out."

"Fine by me. We'll 'ave a bout."

"One bust arm and a black eye. I love Scrabble with you guy."

"Same time next week. Don't disappoint."

"Sure, if I stay outta th' joint."

Archbishop Parker's Roar.

You know Archbishop Parker That awful pulpit barker

The one born in fifteen oh four. Such an eavesdropping harker His methods so much darker Was killed by a big tiger's jaw.

Well do you know his marker

Which couldn't be more starker It was broken into I saw.

Using a grindstone sparker Left edges rough and sharper

Well, within you can hear a roar.

Back From Botany Bay

I'm back from Botany Bay wife I'm back from Botany Bay. You've stripped away In bed you'll lay I say belay Don't want to play, I'm back from Botany Bay wife I'm back from Botany Bay.

I'm back from Botany Bay lads

I'm back from Botany Bay. I've turned that way I have all day A roll in hay

And I can pay

I'm back from Botany Bay lads I'm back from Botany Bay.

The Elephant in the Room

I think we need a meeting soon About the elephant in the room. As we can see, it hides away And jumps out several times a day.

I think we need to lay a trap And look when we hear sudden snap. It's either that or dig a pit And fill the hole in bit by bit. It could be time for White Hunter Someone armed to confront her. Elephant in our habitat It took a week to kill that rat.

Stag Balloon

Have you seen my penis balloon Flying high up around the room, Inflated damn thing far too soon And Jack's stag is not till noon.

Have you seen my phallus flying Once inflated thing was trying To escape and after lying Left the Hat Girl sadly crying.

Have you seen my Stag Do present Should have known and bought a pheasant My wife knew, she said "Not pleasant." Jack's not yet even pubescent.

The Gorilla In The Room

Gorilla one, my favourite son

You stood by me thick and thin. Gorilla two, you trashed the loo And made an awful big din.

Gorilla three, how you treated me You stole my new banking card. Gorilla four, you too broke the law And served your time real hard.

Gorilla one, my favourite son

My hopes you failed to fulfil.

Your time is done, your prospects none That's you cut out of my will.

The Wife In The Room

Wife no.1.You gave me good fun

But sadly you had to go.

Wife no.2. Your tongue was so blue

You gave me nothing but woe.

Wife no.3. You had to be free I gave you right to roam.

Wife no.4. You walked out the door

Saying to never come home.

So wife no.1

You gave me good fun

The others lacked the knack.

So I ask of you

Can I start to woo

And get you back in the sack.

A or O Positive Required

This vampire goes out at night Flying low, giving a fright. He's after blood so warm and red Stay at home, stay safe in bed.

Tonight he drained some poor fella His blood now kept in this cellar. Tired with blood sucking torque Blood in bottles and now to cork.

There is a hunter he is told Vampire killer brave and bold. Once was a chef with joke to make Asking "How do you like your steak?"

The Greeting Party

Don't forget they are beneath us I believe some came by bus, And watch out that one with a fag Keep him away from our jag.

And she's a lady of the night This chap's fresh from a fight, We did explain the rules fully One has brought an X L Bully.

We did say things had hit a low But just how low can they go, Standing out like blazing beacons Greeting the new Archdeacons.

Stag Balloon 2

Didn't find that blow up phallus Other chaps were so so callous, Price of the thing, it took the mick Thought of waste still makes me sick.

Vanished, looked high and low Where on earth could that thing go, I asked the maid, she didn't know Had suspicions, rosey glow.

So now we hunt a lost balloon Surely find it sometime soon, When old Ted wakes up at noon Falls straight away into a swoon.

Hare and Hounds

I did my rounds And walked the bounds And counted all the sheep. I heard the sounds And saw the hounds The shepherd was asleep.

I took my gun The vicious one And blasted right away. They tried to run Survivors none Hey Punk, just make my day.

The Gorilla In The Room 2

Gorilla one, my favourite son

I think I've got this all wrong.

Gorilla two, you trashed the loo It was because of the pong.

Gorilla three, how you treated me I realised it was all your cash.

Gorilla four, you too broke the law It turned out it was all my hash.

So Gorilla one, my favourite son My hopes you failed to fulfil. Your time done, your prospects none Now you we're going to kill.

The Truffle Hunter

Through the thick and thorny brush

Across the rivers cold and deep, Our Truffle Hunter spies his prey Luckily still sound asleep.

Not forgetting poor old Joe He wanted truffle with his egg, Couldn't avoid those razor teeth Lost an arm and half a leg.

Crouching low with deadly aim

Expert marksman this bold fellow, Wait a moment, something's wrong This could just be a marshmallow.

Waterloo And All That

Arthur Wellesley fighting Duke Victorious at Waterloo, Battle honours list so great Vitoria and Garris too.

Coming home to great applaud Need to honour this brave man, London streets are out of hand Road authorities have a plan.

Authur Wellesley Iron Duke

We give charge of inner cordon, Great promotion after war London's first traffic warden.

The Wife In The Room 2

Wife no.1 You gave me good fun

Teaching me all that I know.

Wife no.2 Your tongue was so blue Turns out you're whiter than snow.

Wife no.3 You had to be free

Not once did you ever moan.

Wife no.4 You walked out the door

Changing your mind as to roam.

So wife no.1

You gave me good fun

But others were better in sack.

So I ask of you

The others I'll woo

It's variety which I lack.

Eventual Snooker Innuendo

Great pot darling

You showed me how, To your prowess I must now bow.

And here's your cat How sweet and cute, Watching our game Well what a beaut.

A wonderful shot

Like bird flies to nest, And what a long pot Great use of the rest. Your shot of each ball No angle the same, I do love you best When you're on the game.

Illegal Irrigation

Yes it's me, Mr. Shrub and tree

I've tended and I've potted.

This job's cushy, my style bushy

All healthy and none rotted.

My faithful friend, he helps me tend I think he is besotted.

If shrubs do bend, he helps me mend And stops them getting knotted.

With cheery song and hours long

The flies are always swatted.

Work visa con, this guy's non dom He works unless he's spotted.

The Lady Vanishes

Just me alone to face the world

And left sadly to fend, To roam the streets, begging for food

To be without a friend.

Mummy has gone, I'm on my own I was a faithful pup, I think of times so long ago When we would drink and sup.

So now a life of solitude

All perils I must bare, Wait. I know that old blue hat It's fine, she's over there.

The Wrong Song Writer

Oscar writes with flowing pen

Tries a tune then tries again

Piles of paper in his den

Something good he knows not when.

Oscar playing like on fire

Tries to please but just brings ire

Thinks it's good, it turns out dire

To be burnt on blazing pyre.

Oscar swallows humble pill

Still, he's playing to fulfil

Back to Jack and back to Jill

Rotten tunes won't pay the bill.

The Ten-ish Commandments

Concerning the Commandments

The word from this committee

We need a few corrections

And Moses, that's a pity.

You tell us not to murder

And honour father mother Mary has bed her papa And Julie killed her brother.

And is it really stealing

Like goose eggs from a box Tony took three horses And you once stole an ox.

Oh! Sanity Clause

Coming on your sleigh

Your red suit so bright

Give me Christmas kiss

On your knee all night.

Christmas time is good Loneliness unheard

Like Christmas dinner

You can have this bird.

Love you Santa Claus It's just me and you I'm your special girl Almost twenty two.

Oh my Santa Claus

Cosy on your knee

What's in your pocket Poking into me?

Any Port In A Storm

We sail at noon, I'll kiss your gal Your turn in the barrel, We're sailing soon up the canal Your turn in the barrel, Our pirate gear tailored so well Your turn in the barrel, We show no fear, but sometimes smell Your turn in the barrel.

My sabre keen, I'll slash and cut Your turn in the barrel, We look so mean, I'll stick your gut Your turn in the barrel, We like to sing and capture prize Your turn in the barrel, Butter to bring for all the guys Your turn in the barrel.

A

Streaky Tale

I'm mister Brown, I went to town I tried to buy a kitten.

I saw a few, but none would do I'd say I wasn't smitten.

I'm a kind man, I had a plan I thought I'd home a dog. I didn't care for what was there Instead I took a hog.

I walked him home, so not alone Told wife all pets were taken. My get out clause, which brought applause "I'm bringing home the bacon."

Demon barber

Destitution desolation

Brutal carnage causing pain.

Endless waves and waves of outrage

Beating down like hardened rain.

Before suffer before crying

Before poison before fear.

Was the hope and was the goodness Was the eye without a tear.

Anyway, so you were asking Yes, I've a machine to vend, Some hair gel for your new style And something for the weekend.

Another Greta Thunberg

My name is Greta Thunberg

But not the one you think I'm from Rouen Normandy I like to drive and drink.

Mon nom est Greta Thunberg Mon père a trois voitures

Une essence et deux diesels

Un blanc, un rouge, un bleu.

My name is Greta Thunberg

I do care for this earth

It's football that's distressing In losing there's no mirth.

Delayed Man Calls His Wife

Hello Darling, I'm late again Cancellation of my train. Just to say that I've met a friend Bumped into her, as I tend.

Jolly fun gal, knew her from school I'll always chat as a rule. Remembering the pubs and joints You know me, covering points.

But name of gal I couldn't place No name, but I knew her face. Embarrassed that I couldn't fit Left me feeling a right tit.

Delayed Wife Calls Her Husband

Hello Darling, I'm late again

Had to shelter from the rain.

I met someone I knew at school

Forgot his name, felt a fool.

Has lovely nice ears and nice feet Surely destined for to meet. Apparently lives in the south Ugh---I've some Hare in my mouth.

Soaked to the skin in clothes so wet Helped me undress, now in debt.

Drying us off, my hands were put Rubbing on his Rabbits Foot.

RSPB Annual Dinner Outrage

Rabbit salmon rabbit tuna

Salmon dory rabbit shark,

Tuna mutton herring dory

Rabbit tuna dory carp.

Mutton salmon bacon tuna

Rabbit rabbit haddock shark, Bacon tuna salmon mutton

Rabbit dory mutton carp.

Mutton rabbit bacon dory

Salmon tuna rabbit shark, Tuna bacon rabbit mutton

Dory salmon tuna lark.

Lark? LARK!

Terminator Hound

This dog's from the future He says twenty eighty He seems very friendly In fact very matey.

He started running off His eyes red and glowing Apparently to kill

The corpses were growing.

He was on a mission To slaughter and attack His word I did believe When saying "I'll be back."

The Portrait Of Donald Grey

Please tell me old chap Was it a mishap

So the Devil made you a deal. He painted you twice It can't have been nice

But two girls is rather surreal.

They will grow so old Their skin start to fold

While you stay forever young. Their bottoms will droop Their posture will stoop

Like portrait you'll stay well hung.

The Indecisive Kindly Mugger

Hand over your money

Don't try to be funny

O.K----So you are a clown.

And you with a dress

With signs of distress

Oh sorry. You with a gown.

Now sir, give me cash

Oh! You're in a dash

Here's five to pay for a cab.

And you with the drink

Hard up now I think

Here's ten to pay for your tab.

Thoughtful Kindly Husband

I say Darling be an ace I'm just off, save my place. Must dash, your younger sister In bed now with blister.

Hard bike ride, her buttocks raw Know a trick with coleslaw. Rub her bot, she'll be fine Just be gone a short time.

Come to think, she's near your twin I'm not rude, I'll pop in.

Hardly know you're both the same She's so slim, your weight gain. Always friendly, loves a kiss Won't be long, you won't miss. Just a thought, there's another Rather fancy your mother.

Extremely Foul-Mouthed Chef.

Damn you sir, damn your eyes

Damn your buttery fingers, I've now attained head chef I'll have no sous that lingers. I say prig, drunken sot

You sir who burnt the crumpet, You villain, you're washed up Yourself and your cheap strumpet.

Curse on your motley crew

I wish you all damnation, Oh hateful kitchen staff

Why don't you learn your station. Back to gutter scoundrel

To the workhouse with your wench, Tu es un fils de pute

Oh, and please excuse my French.

Dancing Duo

Here is Marco dancing pro

Training hard for later show, Legs so swift to point and twist

Kind of clumsy with each fist.

Left some costume on the bus

Dark red tights and large size truss,

Dancing partner all moves planned Thanks to his bulge for her hand.

Partner Julie has concern

Marco still has much to learn, Grabbing breast instead of bar Fingers caught and broke her bra.

Marco now is in disgrace

Just hit Julie in the face, Showing he is out of touch Mighty kick right to her crutch.

My Rabbit Habit

Get in you bun, your time has come Your turn in the barrel.

On rabbit foot butter I'll put Your turn in the barrel.

Characters learn, they took a turn Your turn in the barrel.

The good the bad even the cad Your turn in the barrel.

I've had enough, it's awful stuff Your turn in the barrel.

It's like a pain within my brain Your turn in the barrel.

At night I dream, primeval scream Your turn in the barrel.

For sentence long I use crayon Your turn in the barrel.

Just to disrupt I'll end abrupt.