CJA August 2013

CHICAGO JEWISH ADVERTISER

August 2013 • Vol. 5 No. 8

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S

everal years ago when visiting a Jewish community in a different city I was approached by a young woman in her thirties. I had given a talk earlier in the day on the topic of the sexual abuse of children, and she wanted to talk to me regarding my presentation.

Before she could begin explaining, she started to cry which quickly turned into a deep sobbing that shook her whole body. It was very painful to witness. Eventually, she began to speak softly about her preteen years and the abuse she experienced. Suffice it to say that her story was horrific. The man who abused her, single, in his 40’s was a frequent guest at her family’s Shabbos table, and a trusted friend of her father’s. She was just 10 years old when it started and it continued for three years, happening dozens of times, leaving devastation in its wake.

BETRAYING BETRAYING THE THE BETRAYED BETRAYED

I use the word devastation intentionally because no other word quite captures the breadth and depth of her visible pain.

Feelings of shame, self-doubt, guilt, confusion, grief, and intense sadness are some of the emotions she was struggling with. She was quiet for a while and I had the thought that this terrifying period in her life had ended close to 20 years before, and yet the look on her face, and the tone of her voice spoke volumes of the horror of that experience. I waited patiently to see if she would ask me a question, and began to realize that there was more she wanted to say, more she needed to say, and was struggling to be able to express it.

I said something like, “it looks like you have something else to add, it’s ok, take your time,” which led to more sobbing that seemed 10 AUGUST 2013

By Rabbi Dr. Jerry Lob somehow more intense, more filled with sadness and loss than the first set of tears.

Between sobs and trying to catch her breath she continued her story: “those three years were traumatic and they still fill me with terror and disgust, but what came later was, in many ways, worse.” More silence for a few minutes.

It looked like she was trying to build up the courage to say what she needed to say. She finally blurted out, almost shouting the words, “I told them and they didn’t believe me.

THEY DIDN’T BELIEVE ME. My parents, they made light of it and told me to stop being so dramatic, he was probably just being friendly.” And forcing out another sentence: “he molested me for years, he was a monster… but my parents betrayed me. I wanted to die, in fact I did kind of die that day, shutting down, feeling alone in the world, afraid to open up to anyone. If my own TO ADVERTISE 773.336.8225

parents didn’t believe me, who would?”

When a child is exploited by an adult he is betrayed. If the abuser is a rabbi, or camp counselor, or teacher, it’s a bigger betrayal.

The closer the person, the more trusted, makes the victim more vulnerable and the betrayal is greater. If a child comes to you, his parents, and discloses his confusion about someone touching him, your first job is to listen, not judge, and unless you’re 100% sure that he’s lying (and it is completely impossible to be 100% sure!) you must believe him. Your job is not to panic and to fight your own dread, your own fear. Your role is to provide safety while remaining calm, communicating the message that you believe him and that he did nothing wrong. This means no questions like, “why would he start up with you, what did you do to attract his attention, implying blame. If you don’t take it seriously you compound the injury, and the trauma, and the betrayal is that much greater. If a teen comes

to a Rabbi and he doesn’t believe her, saying something like, “I know that man, he is a good person, you must stop exaggerating.” Or worse, such as teaching her the laws of Loshon Horah, it does immeasurable damage to this young woman and can destroy her faith in Rabbis. And when a community ostracizes a child or his family for coming forward to say that they have personal knowledge that a certain adult is not safe, that community commits the ultimate betrayal. How can a community turn its back on its most vulnerable members? We all know that it is our responsibility to protect our children. We need to protect the betrayed, not betray them.

Dr. Lob is a clinical psychologist in private practice in Chicago, working with adults, adolescents, and families, for many years. He lectures and writes extensively on topics relating to psychology, relationships, parenting, education, and Jewish thought.

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JEWISH HUMOR The Right to an Attorney Chaim Yankel, Chelm’s local thief was caught red handed by a police officer in the very act of burglarizing a store. He was quickly brought to trial.

“How do you plead?” asked the judge.

“Your honor,” answered Chaim Yankel, “before I plead guilty or not guilty I ask that the court kindly appoint a lawyer to defend me.”

“Chaim Yankel you were caught in the actual commission of a crime. What could any lawyer possibly say in your defense?”

“That’s exactly my point, your honor,” said Chaim Yankel. “I’m curious also to hear what he could possibly say!”

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crystal gleamed and sparkled, to meet the standards of his guests. Were the president to enter his home, this person surely would have worked tirelessly to refurnish and redecorate his home to meet the high standards a president would expect.

The president's entrance into the house is really just an illustration of what The Month of Elul: A Month of Preparation Rosh HaShana, the Day of Judgment, The final month in the Jewish Calendar, should mean to us.

It is a day in which Elul, is a time for introspection, a time to Hashem comes into the house (hearts) of prepare one's self for the coming year and the upcoming holiday of Rosh HaShana, a each and every one of us. If throughout the holiday on which we praise Hashem and year we are constantly aware of the his kingship. At this time of the year, one forthcoming "visit," the preparations may ask "What am I supposed to do? immediately preceding the "visit" need not What am I preparing for?" The answer to be so extensive, as we will try and keep these questions can be better understood things in tip-top shape all year round. If that is not the case, and we do not think with the following illustration: about the "visit" year round, the task of There was a person who, when it came to accepting Hashem properly on Rosh keeping a clean home, was meticulous. He HaShana as the King of Kings is nearly made sure that the house was always as impossible. In either case, that is what the neat and clean as could be. On one month of Elul is set aside for - preparation. occasion, the person had invited some It is a month long preparation in which we friends to a party at his house. The person engage in refining our spiritual lives to try was not satisfied with the extent of his and meet the standards that Hashem normal cleaning regimen. He wanted the knows we should meet, for both Him and house to be as spotless as his guests would ourselves. This "clean-up job" that we expect, and therefore he stepped up his must start (if its not a continuation) is cleaning efforts before the party. On composed essentially of four different another occasion, he had business aspects which are all required for complete associates over at his house for an repentance toward Hashem. important meeting. Before they arrived, he The first step is "Azivas Ha'Chet" engaged in even more extensive cleaning, "Leaving the sin." A person must know assuring that every piece of silver and 20 AUGUST 2013

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which sins to depart from first. Some sins are relatively easy to refrain from while others take a tremendous amount of time and effort to overcome. Our Sages are helpful in pointing out that "The easier it is to refrain from doing a sin, and nonetheless it is done anyway - the larger the punishment is that one receives from Hashem for it." We vividly see that the sins which are easier for the individual to refrain from should be worked on and "left" first.

The second step is "Charata," regret and remorse for doing the sin. Rabbeinu Yona explains that "True repentance is... to feel that sorrow in one's soul for the sins which he transgressed." Refraining from transgressions without feeling bad about what one did is very far from repentance.

The third step is "Vidduy," confessing one's sins. Included in this step is actually verbalizing those sins which were performed.

The fourth and final step is "Kabala L'habo," making a firm commitment not to do the sin again.

Although this process of repentance might seem long, tedious, and perhaps even impossible, our Sages tell us that "One who comes to purify himself, (G-d) aids him." One only has to take that first step towards purifying himself alone.

Afterwards, Hashem is there to assist, making the process of returning to Hashem faster and easier.

With all our effort and repentance this Elul, we should all merit to be written in the Book of Life for a happy and healthy year for us, our families, and the whole nation of Israel.

Rabbi Dov Singal www.torah.org

KOSHER ALERTS Dunkin Hines Milk Chocolate Brownies which, in the past, had contained milk and cream and stated OU-D on the 19.3 oz. boxes, has been reformulated to a pareve formula and now bears a plain OU on the 18-oz packages.

Each box should be carefully checked, because old formula product is still on store shelves.

Tropicana Kids Apple Juice containing grape juice is not kosher. Please check the label.

Please be aware that the local Target is selling Darrell Lea Dark Chocolate Coated Soft Eating Liquorice Blueberry & Pomegranate Flavor (Kogarah Australia). This product contains dairy and it is mistakenly labeled with a plain OU symbol without the Dairy designation.

Please note that Good & Plenty from The Hershey Company (packaged by JLM, Warren MI) bears an unauthorized OU.

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Shabbos Times Aug 9

7:40 pm Shoftim

Aug 16

7:30 pm Ki Teitzei

Aug 23

7:20 pm Ki Tavo

Aug 30

7:08 pm NitzavimVayeilech

Sept 4 Sept 5

Sept 6

7:00 pm Rosh Hashana 1st Day after 7:59 Rosh Hashana 2nd Day 6:57 pm Hazinu

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Recipes from our kitchen to yours!

Blueberry Fig Salad with Blueberry dressing Submitted by Chayale Lipskier

Salad: 1 large head romaine lettuce 1 cup blueberries 6 fresh figs, quartered 1/2 cup hazelnuts

Dressing 1 cup blueberries 4 T. extra virgin olive oil 3 T. apple cider vinegar 2 T. lemon juice 2 T. sugar

Directions Combine salad ingredients. Blend dressing ingredients together really well. Pour over salad.

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Submit your favorite recipe for Chicago Jewish Advertiser’s recipe page.

To enter your favorite recipe, email chicagojewishadvertiser@gmail.com subject: recipe contest The winner will be announced in the next issue Chicago Jewish Advertiser reserves the right to exercise discretion in the selection of advertisers and the duration of advertisements as well. Chicago Jewish Advertiser does not assume responsibility for the kashrus of any advertisement or product.

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August 2013

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