Aunty Nelly ASK
tells it how it is
She’s friends with his ex!
Q
I have a huge problem with my mother-in-law. She was devastated when my hubby divorced his ex, and still gets together with her and their children. Yet, she pays barely any attention to our daughter, who’s four. The final straw was when she treated the ex and her grandkids to a trip to New York. I think she blames me for the fact they aren’t still married. She seems to go out of her way to
3 steps to... Being a good stepmum
wind me up – and it works! What can I do to ignore her? Amy, 37
1
Let your stepchild set the pace and allow them to define the relationship. Tell them you don’t want to replace their parent, just be a friend, then leave the ball in their court. If they show no interest, don’t panic. The circumstances that brought about the end of their parents’ relationship are most likely to be upsetting. Give them time to process the changes.
A
I understand how you feel, love, but remember your mother-in-law already had a relationship with the ex and her grandchildren. She might find you unapproachable, or think you don’t want a relationship with her. Try making plans with her, make her feel like you want to be part of her life and she may let you in.
We moved too fast
A
For starters, you need to calm down. It’s not the biggest mistake of your life, you aren’t I got together with my married and don’t have kids. partner too soon and now We do rush things sometimes, I don’t know how to end it. thinking with our hearts rather It was lust at first sight when we than our heads. met last summer. We were saying Yes, you moved quickly, but ‘I love you’ within days, and it doesn’t make it wrong. The moved in together in October. rose-tinted glasses fall off in Now the honeymoon is all relationships. definitely over for me, but he Take a step back and seems to think everything’s fine. remember why you fell for him. What should I do? If you still feel it’s a mistake, tell Penny, 32 him soon or it’ll just get worse.
Q
2
Allow the child to call you by whatever name they’re comfortable with and don’t expect to be called Mum or Dad. Decide on a name that works for you both. To forge a bond, you’ll need to be forthcoming.
3
Discipline should be left to the biological parents, at least at first. Focus on building a positive relationship with your stepchild. This doesn’t mean you won’t have a voice. You can speak privately to your spouse, but in the end they must be the one setting the rules.
Am I a grumpy grandad?
Q
My wife and I have two toddler grandkids, who we love very much. My son and his partner work, so we agreed to have them once a week as childcare is expensive, but I find it tiring and boring. I suggested to my wife we should pay for daycare instead. She says I’m being grumpy and offers to have them more often. I try to stay out of the way. Am I the bad one here? Nick, 72
A
Firstly, I commend you for being the grandparents who step in to help – as, yes, childcare is pricey. But you’re definitely being grumpy! It’s one day a week, and you should count yourself lucky you can spend time with your precious grandkids. Put your foot down with your wife if one day is really all you can manage, but enjoy your time with them, realise how fortunate you are and cheer up a bit!
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