why Casual Casual Destroying Sex is your relationships

By Carrie Fleetwood, M.Ed., R.P.

casual sex often involves risk and that can be part of the attraction and thrill for first responders.

sex. Is there anything more simply natural and at the same time completely complicated? Given how much attention sex gets in the media (and in our own minds) you’d think humankind would have it completely figured out by now. But...maybe not.

What about “casual sex”? How exactly casual is casual? The official definition could be “any sexual activity outside of a committed relationship”. And here’s the kicker:

Attachment theory offers convincing, documented evidence that for good mental and physical health, human beings – both men and women – desire and need love, secure attachment, dependable, safe relationships and community.

Research has shown that what really matters in a good relationship is accessibility and responsiveness. Anything that destroys safe emotional engagement and bonding threatens a sustainable intimate relationship. Casual sex falls firmly into that category.

Everyone now knows that there is a direct correlation between smoking and lung/heart/cancer disease. There is also a direct correlation between indulging in casual sex and an inability to maintain a loving, satisfying marriage or long-term relationship. Is there such a thing as a healthy amount of smoking or a harmless amount of casual sex?

And are first responders more susceptible to casual sex?

Casual sex often involves risk and that can be part of the attraction and thrill for first responders. Used to living with highs of adrenaline and intensity at work, first responders sometimes find casual sex and the risks involved very alluring as the spiking adrenaline takes off. The nature of the job, spending long days and nights with others who live and work in the same intensity, can set the stage for casual sex and affairs.

Casual sex almost always involves divorcing the heart from the body as it is usually physical pleasure devoid of love and intimacy. Modern western culture has sold us the lie that we should pursue pleasure for “me” and that “I’m entitled to be happy”. When we use another person, even in marriage, we dull both our soul and theirs to our genuine needs and to the true longings of the heart as we become selfish and self-oriented.

But what about “friends with benefits” and so-called “mutual arrangements” or “paid sex”? Does casual sex really harm anyone? In most cases when a mutual arrangement starts, one party is hoping that selling himself/ herself out may actually create a relationship. If all goes well, it might just become permanent. Unfortunately, much like masturbation, casual sex leaves you feeling more empty and more alone.

While pleasurable arousal occurred in the body, the aching needs of the heart remain.

The human heart is meant for secure, loving, and reliable attachment but society is filled with broken and sometimes abusive relationships. Should we give up on our ideals and settle for something far less satisfying and perhaps even destructive?

When people settle for casual sex it may be because they feel they can’t seem to maintain a long-term relationship or they’re afraid of committing. Some people may be afraid of feeling trapped or “owned” and fear connecting body and soul in a relationship. Some may not really know how to love their spouse deeply because they didn’t experience unconditional protective love growing up. Other people may be running from responsibility or internal pain and depression, or they may have a sexual addiction and fear placing unreasonable demands solely on their partner. Still others may use sexual activity to avoid facing internal losses and the unmet dreams of the heart.

The choice to engage in casual sex is yours but it’s important to recognize the cost to your life and future. Beyond the obvious risk of pregnancy or intentional entrapment through pregnancy, there are other damaging effects you’ll have to deal with.

The most common is the inability to remain faithful and honestly love the partner that you have or hope to have. Between relationships or separated from your spouse and thinking casual sex will fill a gap in the meantime? The truth is, you’re likely to end up feeling even lonelier. The “between” place offers a great opportunity to get moving on the many things that you were always going to do such as taking up a sport, an instrument or a new language, learning about communication, getting fit, or stopping drinking. Sexual intercourse and love-making within a loving committed-forlife relationship actually releases “love chemicals” in the body that increase acceptance and desire for your partner and promote greater tolerance for minor conflicts.

Sex is the icing on the cake in a great relationship, not the cake itself.

Tempted by casual sex? Think long-term and choose healthy commitment!