Is Self-Discovery Actually Self-Worship? By Amy Davidson
Amy Davidson is a blogger and writer at graceandrecovery.com. Her mission is to communicate the reality of life and grace in Christ to those trapped in their habits, addictions, and mental illnesses.
I thought self-discovery was the best thing I could do for myself. I remember back in junior high finding little quizzes online that told me what color I was, what my aurora was, what kind of animal I was, etc. At the grocery store, I would sneakily flip to the horoscope section of a magazine in the checkout line just to see if this was the week I would find my “one true love.” As I grew older, I was introduced to different personality tests in high school, such as the Myers- Briggs. I had finally found my niche. Finally, I had stumbled across a tool that told me all about myself and put things into words I had never known how to express. I began to identify myself based on what the tests said about me, instead of what I knew to be true through experience, relationships, and the truth of Scripture. Here is what the test revealed: • I was an introvert, so I never wanted to be viewed as “too outgoing.” • I was creative, so I felt an added pressure to live up to an invisible line. • I was sensitive, which confirmed that I was justified in being overly emotional and erratic because that’s “just the way I was.” “That’s just the way I am” was a phrase that wove its way into my vocabulary. If I acted out in rebellion, if I spoke harshly, if I was impatient or selfish, I always chalked it up to being “just who I am” and “how I am wired.” I believe that personality tests can be useful. The Enneagram Personality Test continues to spike 6PAGE | M5 AG A Z I N E N A M E 3
in popularity. I have a dear friend who swears by this magical tool. “They are being SUCH a 7 right now!” she would giggle and say. She would look at someone and guess what number she believed they were. It made me want to study the Enneagram even more. It really can be quite unifying to take a test and in a matter of moments be told who and what I am. After I took the Enneagram test for the first time, I began studying the number it had given me. For the first time, I didn’t feel entirely crazy about some of the emotions and thoughts I experience because–OH! other people feel that way too! I wanted to know more about who I was and why I was the way I was. As a woman who is in recovery from multiple addictions, I have bathed in self-discovery for years, especially when I first began my sobriety journey. Therapists had me dissect my childhood. I had to create timelines and collages and different art projects depicting my different addictions and work to uncover the underlying beliefs and concepts I held on to when I was at my darkest. All of this was good and needed. I believe that understanding our roots can help us heal, grow, and move forward. My husband recently challenged me, though. As we were discussing sin struggles in our lives, he suggested that my pursuit of self-discovery could come across as self-worship.
“What!? But I’m just trying to know myself better so I can BE better! The more I study myself, and the more I understand why I do what I do, the faster I’ll grow!”
