Ask Lonnie

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Ask Lonnie

Dear Lonnie:

How can I deepen communication in my friendships?

From, Seeking connection

Dear, Seeking Connection,

This is a fabulous question!

People love to talk about themselves. So asking questions and learning more about your friend is a great first step. By knowing what the person cares about and feels passionately about you can start conversations on deeper topics. If they have children you can ask about their children and then branch into general topics of child welfare, like how important is praising a child, how important are boundaries for children, what about curfews, etc.

Another topic that can lead to deeper conversations are dreams and goals. You could even turn it into a 'build your dream' coffee date. Set up a time to get together, grab your favorite drink and take turns building your dream life. When you get someone to open up about their dreams, you have the opportunity to learn a lot about them you may never have known. And because you'll be happily immersed in your guys's dreams, you'll come away from that talk feeling happy and hopeful. Go ahead, make sure you set up another 'coffee date' to learn more and deepen the connection you have with your friend.

Just about any topic is able to lead you and your friend down a deeply meaningful conversation. Just remember that the trick is to have it mean something to the other person. Try to keep a balance between both of you sharing. A great conversation takes two or more people contributing.

Deeper communication leads to deeper connections and better relationships. It builds a strong foundation to base the friendship on. Just remember that you might not always agree, and that's part of it. Learning to agree to disagree, with respect and love.

I See You Thank You for Writing in Lonnie XX

Dear Lonnie

Can I date someone with different values? It's less about the what and more about compromise right?

From, How important are values

Dear, How Important are Values,

The short answer, in my experience, is no not successfully. Let me explain.

Your values and morals are what make you who you are. They are the driving force of the person you are from day to day. They are built from the things that you find important or believe matter.

So let's say you meet a guy, you seem to get along. You've gone out for dinner, movies, met a few of his friends and he makes you laugh. All of this stuff on the surface seems great! You're happy and excited to see him again.

Now if your intention is to just date this guy for fun. To have a good time, then go for it. However, if you are dating with the intention of it becoming serious, then it's a really good idea to have some conversations.

Where do each of you stand on getting married? Having children? How to raise them? Pets or no pets? Do you have the same beliefs? This is where the values will step in. Some values could be a touch bendable, like, you really love to volunteer to give back to the community, and he isn't into it but encourages you to continue. That's ok. That's where compromise comes in. But, some bigger values could make the difference. Let's say you don't share the same beliefs but you want to get married and have children. Then, what does the wedding look like? What faith do you raise your children to follow? Are you on the same page about responsibilities with aging parents? Are you willing to compromise on these big issues or others?

Even in your day to day life, your values play a roll. Whether you realize it or not, they are at the forefront of your behaviour. If you are with someone that doesn't share the same values, it can lead to disagreements, hurt feelings, feeling misunderstood and failure.

Nothing is ever a 'never'. There's a chance it could work, with very clear communication and respect on both ends. But I believe it will take a lot of work. So it's really up to you to decide how much extra effort you want your relationship to be? Also as a reminder, it's important that neither of you lose who you are in compromises. If the compromises aren't balanced by each of you, the relationship becomes one sided.

This person might make a better friend then a partner. I wish you luck for the best outcome.

I See You Thank You for Writing in Lonnie XX

I have a gift for seeing what others miss. I offer the truth as I know it. I offer this from my own life experience and my intuition. I hope to inspire you to have courage to look at your life, to help you feel empowered to do what you already know you need to do and as you sift through my “advice” - you will find the answers to your own questions”. Click here to submit your questions.