Becoming a Domestic Goddess:

Get good at cleaning stains (as well as making them).

Turn that rat's nest into a love nest with these quick and very dirty tips!

Critic already has an extensive stain removal guide for all the fluids one can imagine, and speedy cleaning is the best method. However, for old or stubborn stains, consider keeping them around as signs of your prowess. This will both assert dominance over other women and intimidate the men who enter your lair. Your goal is for them to remark, “Wow, she got vomit on the ceiling, as evidenced by this here projectile splatter? She must have a powerful throat,” or, “These are the most cum-stained sheets I have ever laid eyes on. I have competition, and I must up my game immediately.” It’s a win-win.

Maintain a clean bathroom by learning how to piss outside.

Everyone knows that women do not have anuses, so one can keep a mint-condition loo by only pissing outside. Keep a mason jar (Pinterest chic) by the bed for emergencies. If you squat to pee, consider wearing absorbent socks, or perhaps some gumboots. Having a vulva does not prevent one from being able to piss standing up – all you need is a killer kegel, some towels, and a general disregard for yourself and your surroundings. Never practise this in your own bathroom: do it at your hookup’s or on campus to better mark your territory.

Look Hot, Fear Not:

Sleep in your makeup to avoid taking it off.

Fashion is cyclical, so get ahead of the curve by rejecting Clean Girl aesthetic and embracing Scody Girl. Stop making bath bombs, start learning amateur pyrotechnics, and read on for more gorgeous tips!

Getting out of bed to remove your makeup is literally emotional labour. ‘Miscellaneous’ water is a scam – if you’re a sweaty enough sleeper, your beat will be gone by morning! Even the most waterproof eyeliner cannot withstand a trauma-fueled nightmare. Sure, if you wear a full face you might want to take it off, but put a baby wipe on your pillow and let the rest be tomorrow-you’s problem. Imagine how blended your contour would be after rolling around in it all night. Snatched!

Cut your own hair whenever your mental illness implores you.

Hair is temporary, but passing waves of intense, crippling emotion are forever (my mental illness wrote that, but I believe it and so they should be obeyed, no matter what). According to TikTok, any godforsaken layered shag haircut can be gorgeous if you spend three hours styling it beyond recognition and also are an alt teenager! You may be in your twenties, and Ramona Flowers references may be dated, but imagine the dates YOU’LL get – just don’t let them see the back of your head. Missionary only, as the chaste and pure creature that you are.

Beauty is all about comparing yourself to others, so why not lower the bar a little to get a leg up – and keep it up, but only for threes. If you’re unfortunate enough to get stuck with a smokeshow, offer to edit their pics for them (“fix the lighting”) and slowly FaceTune them to look worse. Beauty is in the iPhone of the beholder, and as the beholder it is your duty to slowly erode your loved one’s self-esteem.

Transcend Reality:

Focus on finding yourself (but only to find a man).

It’s amazing what you can get away with if you say that you were just “finding yourself”. It’s a free pass to do whatever the fuck you want with no consideration for others, and it also drives men crazy. They say it’s impossible for real women to be manic pixie dream girls as the trope is inherently male fantasy, so break the laws of physics to only manifest into existence when a man is thinking of you.

Once you’ve finished reading this (or had a man read it aloud to you in a patronising tone), consider that you are no longer a figment of our imagination, and vanish accordingly. Slay!