Mostly As: Varsity Blues

In 2019, a bunch of American celebrities, business executives, and other one-percenters got caught paying bribes to get their kids admitted to top-ranking universities in the US, either by falsifying their entrance exams or creating artificial sporting credentials. It’s why Olivia Jade got cancelled and Aunt Becky went to prison. To be clear, Critic isn’t accusing you of fraud, but you have been known to get a little too intense when it comes to maintaining your academic record. Look, we get it - you’re ambitious, and you’ve sunk too much time into your studies to risk messing it up now.

Former National Party Prime Minister Rob Muldoon’s term came to a rather jarring end in 1984. On June 14th, a clearly drunk Muldoon told journalists that the election would be held in just a month's time - an election he went on to lose. Just like Rob, you’ve been known to say something you shouldn’t have after a few bevs, and it’s come back to bite you in the ass once or twice. Maybe hold the career-altering announcements for more sober moments?

It’s such a classic scandal, and we’ll never know the truth for certain. Did the world’s biggest sex symbol and America’s most popular President fuck? Does it really matter if they did, or is the gossip it generated the most important aspect? Like most scandals, this one becomes less genuinely important and more entirely ridiculous the further you dig into it. It’s a basic scandal, but it’s popular for a reason –just like your Yu Mei bag and Ruby Corvette pants. It’s also characterised by a bunch of people overreacting to two people sleeping together, and truly, what Otago drama is more classic than that?

You have always tried to keep an air of mystery and intrigue about your persona. Your obsession with arm tattoos, carrying around a leather satchel, and drinking strictly craft beers at Albar is a testament to this. While you consider yourself the beacon of intelligence, your hot takes and niche political opinions can actually be really strange and off-putting. That’s exactly why you’re like those spy balloons that rocked the world earlier this year - peculiar, random, perplexing, and bound to send people into hysteria.

Just before the end of his term as Australian Prime Minister, it came out that Scott Morrison had quietly appointed himself, at various points, Minister of Health, Finance, Treasury, Home Affairs, Industry, Science, Energy and Resources. It wasn’t technically illegal, but for a Prime Minister as memed and scorned as ScoMo, it was pretty embarrassing. You’re not quite on Morrison’s level, but you have a tendency to be a bit self-important and assume that you know better than anyone - you’re probably the first to admit that you’re a control freak in group assignments. Take this as a reminder to take a breath, take some criticism, and remember that there are more important things to life than student politics. With that said - something tells me you plan a mean night out, from pres to brunch the next day.