Dream Girl

Finding it hard to get the perfect missus, even though you’ve started showering two whole times a week? Wondering why females these days are so lame and boring, when according to your mum you’re the world’s most interesting little man? Want to attract IG fitness models even though you regularly have nightmares about the Beep Test? LOOK NO FURTHER!

With our NEW and IMPROVED recipe (no more neurotoxins or lead) anyone can make their own custom dream girl from the comfort of their own home. Or mum’s home, if you’re still there. Pick and mix your favourite ingredients, add the special sauce (internalised misogyny – just a pinch) and let it sit overnight for 24 hours.

WHAT MORE COULD YOU ASK FOR?

By Eileen Corcoran