THAI GREEN CURRY

It's a freezing Dunners Tuesday. You're nearly on the downhill slope to the weekend, but it's still shit because it's 2 degrees and you’re not quite there yet. Your living room is colder than it is outside and your puffer vest and beanie aren't quite stopping your breath from looking like a vape cloud. All you want is to be warm and satisfied, which is why I do these recipes. This will make your Bluesday Tuesday epic. Get this in ya gob.

INGREDIENTS:

Oil

1 onion, diced

1 Tbsp crushed garlic

1 Tbsp crushed ginger

1/3 jar green curry paste

2 cans coconut cream/milk

200g mushrooms, sliced

DIRECTIONS:

Half a broccoli head, cut into florets

600g chicken breast, cut into cubes

2 carrots, ribboned (to the Karen that said they don't want to Google ribboning: just cut them up then ya dog)

250g vermicelli noodles

Coriander to garnish (optional)

Heat up oil in a large pot and then add the diced onion. Let that cook through while preparing the rest of your veggies and chicken. Add the curry paste and stir that in until fragrant - it should take 1-2 minutes. Add in the coconut cream and a cup of water and let that come to a boil.

Once boiling, add in the mushrooms and broccoli and bring down to a simmer for 5 minutes. At this stage you want to bring another full pot of water to boil. Then add in the chicken to the first pot and cook for another 5 minutes.

Cook the vermicelli in the second pot of boiling water until cooked through. Check that the chicken’s cooked, then serve into five bowls. Add the carrot and coriander if you want.

Crack into it. For the protein you can swap the chicken out for beef, 400g chickpeas or even tofu to make it vegan. Let this make your day a little better.

Goooooo onnnnnn.

BOOZE REVIEW: BY ALBERT EINSTEINLAGER

Old Fashioned Lemonade Vodka

Fizzliss is an apt description.

Built into the human genome is a predisposition toward enjoying bubbles. All things bubbly. Bubbles in my bath, bubbles that meander through the air, Bubbles shooting up heroin in the streets of West Baltimore. A momentary existence punctuated with a satisfying *pop*; there is no situation that does not benefit from the inclusion of bubbles. So, understand my bewilderment towards the trend of non-carbonated, water-based RTD’s. The most unequivocally boring way to get drunk.

Fizzliss’ Old Fashioned Lemonade + Vodka tastes like it was intentionally left open on a table overnight. If this were sold as ‘Old Fashioned Lemonade’ by a child-run makeshift street stall, you would report the kid for operating without a licence. I did not enjoy this drink. I found that after each swig I was involuntarily mouthing “yeuch” as the mix clung to my poor tongue. Any natural goodness offered by the lemons was lost, leaving me sourer than any acidity found in a can. Ironically, the only thing that could elevate this drink would be carbonation.

If I were to ask a friend to mix a drink, and they brought me a shot of vodka mixed with still water and a squeeze of lemon, I would be concerned. That is not a cocktail, it is a cry for help. This behaviour is becoming all too common, with many RTD’s boasting that they are high in alcohol, low in calories and sugar, and good for the planet. A mighty boast for literal poison. I would rather drink something that tastes good and is unabashed about how bad it is for you, as opposed to something that tastes bad and wraps itself in a bow of goodness. I would be less offended if they leaned into the whole “this is flat so you can shotgun it” approach, which would justify nearly every other flaw. But they don’t.

This review may seem hypocritical as I choose to lambast an intentionally non-carbonated drink over its lack of carbonation, but with a name like “Fizzliss” it would seem strange to not question their lack of carbonation. It's like if I called my cock Jizzliss and got upset when girls asked why I didn't cum. Named after its own gimmick, in an attempt to separate itself from one of the mainstays of popular RTD culture, you would think the drink should be able to stand for itself. I find it insulting that a box of these costs $29, the same price as all other carbonated RTD’s, as they have taken away a crucial component and failed to fill its absence with anything of quality. Without delightful bubbles to hide behind, you’re left with nothing other than a disappointingly below-average lemonade.

I have ventured into the water-based RTD market and returned surprisingly dry. I discovered that when alcohol isn’t fun, it is terrifically depressing and boring. I am not shy in my dislike of these products, as I do not want to promote a terrible lifestyle propped up by mediocrity. I will do anything to hide and prolong our bad habits, and if that means advocating for bubbles, so be it.

Tasting notes: A bottle of natural, no-chemical, lemon dish soap. Chugability: 10/10. They are the best beverage to shotgun. Hangover depression level: 10/10. I feel morally (and financially) bankrupt drinking these.

Overall: 1/10. But at least they don’t make you shit yourself anymore.

I’m concerned that my degree is redundant in this new technocracy we’ve entered, and that my time at university is going to be a pissup with a five figure hangover. How do I stay ahead of the computers?

Birth Date: 31/12/1999

Location: A Tawainese manufacturing facility

SUN: MOON:

Capricorn Libra

Sun determines your ego and identity.

Capricorn suns are realistic, grounded and hard working. They are determined and money-orientated.

Moon determines your inner emotions and subconscious.

Libra moons are warm, balanced, diplomatic and creative. You’re charming, flirtatious, and love a good time.

RISING:

Libra Or Capricorn

Your rising sign is your outward persona and how you express yourself to the world.

No birth time, so I can’t give an accurate analysis. But given your dual characteristics of realism and concern, paired with your focus on pissing up, you're either a Capricorn or Libra rising.

Oh dear, it seems you are riddled with worry and concern, so let me put your mind at ease. While it is normal to fret about the direction this dumpster fire world is going in, just remember that at the end of the day, everything was made up and you should really embrace a ‘YOLO SWAG’ mentality. Sure, AI and the tech bros are probably going to fucking ruin everything, but that doesn’t mean you can’t have fun. Piss up now, worry later, it’s what your Libra moon wants. Debt, like everything else, was made up by The Man to prevent you from transcending to a spiritual level. Wake up, sheeple!!!!! Also, you might want to knock off the idea that you're actually all that worried about this. Because if you were that much of a realist, you wouldn’t turn to a shitposting orb for advice. Enjoy the froth while it lasts. Computers are temporary, glory is eternal.

XOXO, Orbtago

Want answers to the burning questions and troubles in your life? Send your query, birth date, time, and location of birth to orb@critic.co.nz

Taurus

Jan 20 –