MINDFULNESS

Mindful Boundaries

Boundaries - those invisible fences that help to both protect our self-respect and keep us feeling safe when stepping out of our comfort zone. The hard truth is that many of us can enforce boundaries with such uncertainty that we begin to forget where we start and others begin. And, with this lack of clarity, we can become increasingly stressed and frustrated that we feel overwhelmed or taken advantage of by others.

The healthiest boundaries we can set are flexible, meaning we can go with the flow and are willing to say no when we feel our values are being violated. We can then prioritize our personal needs without guilt. We can trust our intuition and accept when we are mistaken. With flexible boundaries, are willing to try new things and experiences, and we can validate when we are overextended and when we need to say no. With flexible boundaries, we can have fun with less self-consciousness, and we can be willing to accept changes beyond our control. With flexible boundaries we can be mindfully self-aware.

When our boundaries are too rigid, we often feel we need control. Sometimes, we treat the world with inelastic rules that guide decisions moreso than the facts at hand. These are often born out of childhood and adolescent experiences, or environments where we needed firm rules to feel safe and could not trust the environment or the self. Diffuse boundaries are often too open, and we tend to say “yes” to everything no matter how uncomfortable we may feel in agreeing. Diffuse boundaries often lead to emotional exhaustion and feeling less valued in relationships where the other person’s needs or wants are always put first.

As we enter the new year, no matter the resolution or goals you put in place, becoming more mindful of how to set boundaries will help you become much more caring with yourself. Dialectical Behavioral Therapy provides a guide for how to make better decisions with mindfulness of our boundaries. These are not concrete answers, rather elements we consider without judgment, in order to find the best self-affirming choices.

1. Capability – Consider if you genuinely can do what others are asking of you, or if someone can fully meet your needs before you ask.

2. Priorities – Does the request fit into your needs within the relationship, or is saying “no”more important than the relationship at that point in time?

3. Self-respect – Be curious how you feel about yourself if you say yes or no to a request, or if you will feel uneasy if you forgo making a request of someone.

4. Rights – Consider if there is a moral or ethical obligation you feel to agree or say no in each situation. And, if there is a rule in place, explore the roots and intention of this rule for yourself before you impulsively answer, or stop yourself from asking.

5. Authority – Reflect on if a request falls into a role of responsibility, like a parent and child, or a supervisor/employee relationship. Our values still need to be prioritized even when there is an understandable authority dynamic in place.

6. Relationship – When determining your boundaries in a situation, explore if a request fits into the nature of the relationship. Does saying yes or making a request make sense within the context of the relationship, or can you feel confident saying no because it does not?

7. Goals – Mindfulness of your own short term and long-term goals helps to guide your boundaries. Saying yes to requests needs to fit into your personal goals, or it can erode your energy. If not making requests of others or a system will set you back or cause regret, you can push and expand your comfort zone further by making your wishes known.

8. Reciprocity – Is there enough give and take within the relationship for you to make a sacrifice? We can put thought into our willingness to give more if the relationship reflects that nature. When it does not, we can be more confident in saying no or setting more rigid limits.

9. Homework – Weigh how much you know about the situation before you provide a definitive yes or no. It is incredibly mindful to give ourselves permission to gather information before we ask more of others or make a commitment.

10. Timing – Validate if the timing of a request works for you or if it does not. When you are mindful that it does not, saying no can honor your truest needs.

Mindfulness of our limits and boundaries will almost always be determined by the circumstance in the moment. We do our best to practice mindfulness of the moment, and this allows us to honor our boundaries more consistently. Flexibility is our greatest strength to navigate into a new year!

Anthony Gonzalez, LCSW, QS