2015 Eburg Moms - Spring

Serving Ellensburg, Ronald, Roslyn, Cle Elum, South Cle Elum, Kittitas, Thorp & Easton A supplement to the Daily Record / Spring 2015

Answering kids’ tough questions Cord-blood banks High school senior crunch

How to get your kids to talk with you Do you want to maintain open lines of communication with your children? As children move into their high school years, they shift their attention to their peer group and want less to do with Mom or Dad. This natural transition to becoming adults means kids will seek greater autonomy and independence, reducing their interaction with parents or becoming non-responsive when you talk with them.

they wouldn’t think to talk about ut with you. As with most people, teenagers talk to be heard, not to be given advice. If they are wrestling with something, ask them open ended questions that help them sort out what they want to do/think they should do. Ask:

Here are some tips for keeping the lines of communication open.

Kids often feel more comfortable talking when you are driving them somewhere, as they don’t have the pressure of looking straight at you. If you are driving them and friends places together, you’ll hear them talking about stuff that

• Can you ask for that with your friends?

• What ideas do you have on how you could handle that?

• What would you like to see happen?

Despite children being uncomfortable with displays of affection from their parents in front of their peers, most children need and want to know they are loved and cared for. An occasional note

bag, a hug and kiss in their lunch bag when you see them, reading them a book or telling them a story or having one on one time together.

Doing fun stuff like going to a park or making a project can show them that you do love and care for them. This all helps children to be resilient and to cement their strong, loving ties with you. If challenges with communication arise that might be aided by mediation, you can contact the Dispute Resolution Center of Yakima and Kittitas Counties at 509-925-5123 or 1-800-8538949 to find out more about how mediation can help you!

GOT CONFLICT? MEDIATE. Mediate the following family related matters at your local Dispute Resolution Center: Marriage Dissolution • Parenting Plan Creation or Modification Communication challenges with: Your child’s other parent • Your spouse or ex-spouse Your teen/preteen age children • Other family members

Family Caregiver challenges • Parent/Teen Disputes Mediation is an affordable, neutral process that allows those involved in a conflict to talk about it in a safe setting and work together to find solutions that are agreeable to all involved. The people involved are the deciders of what will happen and aim for win-win outcomes.

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Recipe Cherry Pineapple Cabana Cake Cook time: 1 hour

Preparation

Preheat oven to 350°F. Lightly grease 9-by-13-inch baking pan. In prepared baking pan, layer undrained crushed pineapple, then pie filling. Sprinkle dry cake mix over top, smoothing evenly and covering top. Pour melted butter or margarine over top, covering evenly. Top with coconut and nuts. Bake for 50-60 minutes or until brown on top and bubbly. Let cool 30 minutes. Serve warm or cooled. Serves 12.

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Ingredients

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Equip kids with the right ‘stranger danger’ tools

By Britney Journee Idaho Press-Tribune

A

s parents, watching the news or scanning Facebook feeds can often lead us to believe that danger at the hands of sexual predators awaits children as they walk to school or play at the park. However, what I have seen as a trauma therapist is that child sexual abuse typically occurs at the hands of someone children already know — a relative, family friend, child care provider, neighbor or older child.

April is National Child Abuse Prevention month and regardless of whether or not we are parents, everyone can play a role in educating children about what they need to know to protect their bodies and stay safe. We cannot guarantee safety for children at all times, but we can teach them to recognize when they are vulnerable and at risk of abuse.

Gavin De Becker is an expert in predicting violent behavior, and his book “Protecting The Gift” provides parents with many practical tools to increase their children’s safety at all age levels. His research and insight has challenged me to take a step away from what many of us think we know about “stranger danger” and consider where we should focus our energies in protecting ourselves and our children.

De Becker proposes that reinforcing the rule of “never talk to strangers” suggests to a child that a stranger equals danger and therefore a friend equals safety. Parents teach kids this common rule with the

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intention of their child using it when lost and not with a trusted adult.

Yet De Becker suggests that this is exactly the time that children need the ability to reach out and speak to a stranger.

All children need the skills to ask for assistance, describe their predicament, give a phone number and to say “No” to someone, if necessary. Teaching children not to talk to strangers gets in the way of learning what to do IF they need to reach out to one.

Instead, De Becker provides other ideas of what children need to know about personal safety: • It’s not strangers who are the danger, but strangeness.

As adults we interact daily with people we don’t know without having our warning bells go off. However, strange behavior, like someone wwho stares at us too long or keeps talking to us despite our lack of encouragement, will raise our suspicion.

Children who regularly practice communicating with strangers learn to exercise their intuition. They learn what feels comfortable and what does not.

• Teach children that if they become lost to ask a woman for help. When it comes to the safety of children, we don’t need to be politically correct. We need to give them practical and simple rules that reduce their risk of harm.

• Teach children that they should never go anywhere with anyone before telling their parents or caregivers. And if that

person suggests that informing the child’s parents isn’t necessary, that should be seen as strangeness by the child.

• Fully resist ever going anyplace out of public view with someone. Sexual abuse rarely occurs in the middle of the playground, a school dance or the supervised play date. It takes place in the shadows of the bushes, behind dark buildings or closed bedroom doors. Children need to know that anyone who is trying to persuade them to go from public to private is not following personal safety rules.

• No one is to touch your private parts and you are not to touch anyone else’s private parts.

Sexual predators will often trick kids who often blindly follow concrete rules by asking them to touch their bodies.

Personal safety is an ongoing conversation between parents and their children. I encourage families to talk early and frequently about family rules, tricky people and strangeness to provide a strong foundation of intuitive self-protection well before our children leave the safety of our constant supervision.

Parental Guidance:

How can parents stop siblings from squabbling?

By Beth Whitehouse Newsday

C

onflicts between young siblings may be inevitable, but parents do need to step in to teach their children how to resolve them, says Wendi Fischer, a family psychologist in private practice in West Islip, N.Y. Consider the scenario in which siblings are playing and one swipes the other one’s toy. Parents should have one child voice his complaint first and then have the other child reflect back what the first child said. Then the second child should tell his side and have the first child reflect back what the second child said. If either child interrupts, parents need

to say, “Give your sibling a chance to speak.”

Then it’s time to brainstorm a solution. The kids could suggest taking turns with the toy. They could suggest avoiding such conflicts in the future by having a scheduled time with the toy. If they can’t come to an agreement, you could then take the toy away until they do, Fischer suggests.

This technique needs to be applied to all sources of fighting. “Kids are impulsive,” Fischer says. In the moment, they may not remember how to behave. But parents need to repeatedly teach them how to resolve a disagreement until

it becomes second nature to them.

“It’s an ongoing process.

It’s not going to happen overnight,” Fischer says.

“Every conflict should be a learning experience. That’s how we become civilized human beings.” Eventually, their bickering may diminish.

Friday is National Sibling Day, which gives parents a chance to encourage more sibling love. Have your children make cards for one another, or list the traits they like in one another. Have them each plan a surprise for the other sibling or siblings, Fischer suggests.

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Greek Pizza Prep time: 20 minutes Cook time: 10 minutes

Ingredients

3 t ablespoons olive oil, divided 1m ed. red onion, halved and thinly sliced 1p ound prepared pizza dough 2 t ablespoons olive oil 1/2 c up prepared pesto sauce 1 ( 14-ounce) can artichoke hearts, drained Preparation and quartered Heat 1 tablespoon oil in 12-inch skillet over medium heat, 1 ( 10-ounce) can chicken breast, drained and cook onion until just softened, about 5 minutes. Set and flaked aside. Divide dough into 2 equal balls. On well-floured 1 ( 4-ounce ) can sliced mushrooms, drained surface, use floured rolling pin to roll each ball into a 10-inch circle. Place on large cookie sheets or pizza pans. 1 ( 3.8-ounce) can sliced ripe olives, drained Brush each crust with 1 tablespoon olive oil. Preheat oven 1/2 c up crumbled feta cheese 425°F. Spread pizza dough with pesto sauce to within 1 inch of edge. Top with red onion, artichoke hearts, chicken, mushrooms, olives and feta cheese. Bake 15 minutes or until crust is golden. Serves 12.

Recipe

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McDonald’s has been serving the Ellensburg community for over 30 years and is owned and operated by Greg and Jan Luring. The restaurant was completely rebuilt only a few years ago and it is beautiful both inside and out. Please stop by and meet our General Manager, Richard Brajavich and Assistant Manager, Matt Johnson, who will greet you with a smile and introduce you to some of our of our new healthy options. Once you visit us and meet our employees you will understand why everything we do is summed up with three words: “I’m lovin’ it.”

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West Ellensburg Neighborhood Park 900 W. Third Ave. Features: Picnic shelter, children’s play structure, tennis court, restrooms, youth baseball fields, full-sized softball fields, full-sized baseball fields, walking/bike trail Rotary Park 1200 W. Fifth Ave. Features: Multi-use fields, full-sized softball fields, full-sized baseball fields, youth baseball fields, walking trail, play structure, bathroom and parking lot

Cle Elum City Park West Second Street & Reed Ave. Features: Picnic shelter, barbecues, restrooms, , playground equipment, horseshoe pits Roslyn City Park Third Street and Idaho Avenue Features: Picnic tables, gazebo shelter, restrooms, softball field and tennis court, swings South Cle Elum Firemen Park Madison Avenue and Main Street Features: Picnic tables, shelter, barbecues, restrooms Iron Horse Park Sixth Street and Milwaukee Street, South Cle Elum (access points throughout county) Features: Access to hiking, mountain biking, horseback riding, bird watching, fly fishing, snowshoeing, and cross-country skiing

Featuring

Lake Easton State Park I-90 Exit 70, Easton Features: Open year-round for camping, hiking trails, cross country, snowmobiling North Alder Park 2400 N. Alder Street Features: Picnic shelters, playground equipment, trails, turf area, restrooms

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local parks Lions/Mt. View Community Park 1200 E. Seattle St. Features: Soccer fields, baseball field, roller hockey rink, picnic shelter, barbecues, toddler and youth play structures, swings, restrooms CWU Community Fields 18th Ave. & Alder St. Features: Softball fields, soccer/multipurpose fields, restrooms Skate Park Second and Pearl Street Features: Ramps and jumps for skate boarders

Kiwanis Neighborhood Park “A” Street & 14th Ave. Features: Picnic shelter, children’s play structure, basketball hoop/court, junior baseball field, restrooms Paul Rogers Wildlife Parks Judge Ronald Road Features: Trails with natural setting Memorial Neighborhood Park 700 N. Poplar St. Located next to the pool Features: Picnic shelter, children’s play structure, basketball, open turf area Reed Neighborhood Park 1200 E. Fifth Ave. Located at the top of Craig’s Hill Features: Views of Ellensburg and Kittitas Valley, turf areas, picnic tables McElroy Park 1703 Brick Rd. Features: Walking trails, pond, natural areas, picnic tables, natural play structure

The news you want to know doesn’t always happen on your doorstep. It happens out in the community. It happens fast and you want to know about it as soon as it does. At the Daily Record, we’re delivering more news in more ways than ever, because we know you want to know. We’re putting the community in your hands.

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Wippel Neighborhood Park 400 W. Elliott St. Features: Picnic and barbecue facilities, basketball, open turf area Wanapum State Park I-90 Exit 136, Vantage Featuring: Picnic area, swimming, boating, fishing, camping, trails.

Irene Rinehart Riverfront Park Umptanum Road and I-90 Features: Boat landing, lake swimming (no lifeguard), sand volleyball, picnic and barbecue facilities, hiking/biking trails, grass areas, restrooms

Recipe

Mediterranean Chicken Pitas Prep time: 10 minutes Servings: 2

Ingredients

1 (10-ounce) can chicken breast, drained and flaked 1/2 cup finely chopped cucumber 1/2 cup finely chopped red bell pepper 1 (4.5-ounce) can chopped green chilies, drained 1/4 cup Greek yogurt 2 tablespoons fresh chopped dill 2 whole wheat pitas 4 lettuce leaves

Preparation

In large bowl combine chicken, cucumber, red bell pepper, green chilies, yogurt and dill; toss to mix well. Cut each pita in half horizontally; carefully open each pita half. Fill each with 2 lettuce leaves and half of chicken mixture.

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Key to obedience

is parent’s attitude of authority

By John Rosemond, Tribune News Service

Q:

Why is it that no consequence seems to work for long, if at all, with my very strong-willed 7-year-old daughter? I have tried everything I’ve ever heard or read about to deal with her constant disobedience and disrespect. Some things, like taking away her computer privileges for a day or so, have worked for maybe a week at most, then stop working. It’s like she doesn’t really care if I punish her. Nothing fazes her. Help!

A:

Consequences only work when the child in question regards the parent as an authority figure. Your daughter’s disrespect is clear indication that she does not see you in that light. You are obviously frustrated with her, which undermines her respect for you.

Obedience and respect are not obtained by using proper consequences. They are obtained by projecting a proper attitude. The attitude in question is calm, self-possessed, straightforward and matter-of-fact. The parent is cool, calm, and collected — unflappable. A child’s natural response to an adult who projects those qualities — which I call Plan A — is obedience. That adult will only need to fall back on consequences — Plan B — occasionally, as a reminder.

Without the proper parental attitude no consequence will work for more than a few hours to a few days. With the proper attitude consequences are rarely needed. As living proof, parents who have well-behaved, well-mannered children are models of the attitude in question. Other parents sometimes make the mistake of thinking these par-

30

ents are “lucky.” Not so. They are not relaxed because they were blessed with “easy” children. Their kids are easy because they are relaxed.

Their kids also know they mean business. When it comes to consequences, these parents don’t fool around. They use huge consequences in response to small misbehaviors. Taking away computer privileges for a day or two when a child disobeys is an example of fooling around. Taking away every single privilege the child enjoys for two or three weeks during which time the child goes to bed at least one hour early every night is not fooling around.

“For one misbehavior?” someone asks incredulously.

Yes, for one misbehavior. The purpose of a consequence is to significantly reduce, even eliminate, the likelihood that the misbehavior will recur. To accomplish that, the consequence has to instill a permanent memory, one that lights up like the Fourth of July if the child is ever again so inclined.

That approach to the use of consequences, coupled with the attitude described above, minimizes their need and leads eventually to a very relaxed, easy-going parent-child relationship. Face it, the need to discipline constantly as you describe yourself doing, creates tension in the parent-child relationship. That tension interferes with the free flow of affection.

In short, the key to having a wonderful relationship with your kids is to embrace your natural authority and stop worrying about whether punishments “fit” crimes.

Helping seniors deal with college rejections | By Beth Whitehouse, Newsday How can parents help high school seniors deal with college rejections?

First, review with them the fact that most students aren’t accepted at each school, says Darby Fox, a child and adolescent family therapist based in New York City.

“It really is important that you remind them, especially if they are trying for a more competitive school. More students are being rejected than accepted.”

Let the child be sad for a little while; let them be disappointed. “A couple of days,” Fox says. “It’s a sad thing. We want them to be sad but realistic. ‘I’m disappointed, but what’s next?’”

Then help your child look at which schools have accepted or wait-listed him.

Contact any wait-listed schools to see how much of a shot being on their wait list actually offers, Fox says, so kids don’t

get their hopes up in vain. “Some schools wait-list a lot of kids; some schools have a really short wait-list, and they really work from that,” Fox says.

Make a list of pros and cons of all the schools where the student has been accepted. Look closely at the schools’ academic offerings — sometimes the student’s first choice doesn’t offer the best program for his major, she says. Go back and visit the school again while kids are still on campus.

Remind students that success isn’t determined by the school they attend but by their ability to overcome obstacles like a rejection, Fox says. She says parents also need to be careful to manage their own disappointment. “The student’s sense of rejection and lack of worth will just be exacerbated if the parent shows any sign that they are disappointed.”

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29

Parental Guidance:

Do babies need to watch their calories?

By Beth Whitehouse, Newsday

Q:

I have heard about an infant formula company reducing the calories in one of its formulas from 20 calories per ounce to 19 per ounce. Why? Should babies be drinking a lower-calorie formula?

A:

“The rationale behind the 19 calorie per ounce is based on studies looking at the amount of calories in breast milk,’’ says Dr. Carolyn Milana, medical director of the newborn nursery at Stony Brook Children’s Hospital in New York. The concept is that breast-fed babies tend to have fewer problems with obesity in childhood.

However, Milana is skeptical that a onecalorie-per-ounce reduction will have much benefit. “I don’t think anybody has really looked long-term to see if this one calorie per ounce is going to make any difference in the

28

obesity that goes on later in childhood,’’ she says. “Can it hurt? I don’t think there’s any harm to using it.’’

She says she is concerned about parents getting the idea that their babies should try to lose weight. “I don’t think the message should be that babies should be on a diet,’’ Milana says. “In the beginning, babies don’t do a tremendous amount of exercise. They do tend to build up stores of fat. But most kids, once they start crawling and walking and grow taller, naturally become leaner.”

The best route is to discuss your baby’s progress with the pediatrician at regular checkups when your baby is weighed.

“Certainly if you think your baby is looking too chubby, that’s something you should discuss with your pediatrician.’’ The doctor has growth charts available and can reassure parents, she says.

impulse control,” Senior writes. “They’re more prone to addiction at this time than any other, because their brains are awash in dopamine and furiously making new synaptic connections; they also tend to overestimate the rewards they’ll get from taking risks. Yet there’s really no mechanism American parents can make use of if they wish to better tend to their adolescent children.”

Senior’s essay is partly a response to the recent study finding no correlation between how much time moms spend with their kids and the kids’ academic performance or emotional health. Within that study, researchers noted one exception to their findings: Teenagers whose mothers spent more engaged time with them were slightly less likely to participate in delinquent acts.

As psychologist Laurence Steinberg, author of “Age of Opportunity: Lessons from the New Science of Adolescence” (Houghton Mifflin Harcourt), told Senior, “You’re not going to

find an 8-year-old doing drugs.”

“Most adolescents, Steinberg says, don’t misbehave in the backseats of cars on weekend evenings,” Senior writes. “They break the rules between 3 and 6 p.m. on school days, usually in their own homes or a friend’s, when no one else is around. Those are the peak hours for drug experimentation, smoking, sex. Adolescent arrests also peak around this time, by the way — aggravated assaults in particular spike at 3 p.m.”

Whether we see official, governmentsanctioned policies that act on the research spelled out by Patnaik and Senior remains to be seen. It’s doubtful, to be honest.

But the wisdom contained within each of their pieces is worth considering, even if we simply allow it to inform our own choices when it comes to balancing family and career — a lifelong pursuit that becomes infinitely more manageable when we’re willing to calibrate as we go.

Children’s Summer Programs

at the Ellensburg Public Library June 16th – August 7th

Preschool Storytime:

Tuesdays and Thursdays, 10:15 am

Complete Healthcare for Infants, Children & Adolescents Elise J. Herman, MD Daniel W. Kowals, MD Ashley L. Nordell, CPNP 509.962.KIDS (5437) 611 South Chestnut Street, Suite E 1268696 EburgMoms15 GP

Toddler Storytime:

Tuesdays and Thursdays, 11:15 am

Baby Bounce: Fridays, 11:15 am

Summer Reading Kick-Off Party Wednesday, June 17th, 5:30 pm - 7:00 pm For complete summer schedule, please go to

www.ellensburglibrary.org

209 N. Ruby St. 509-962-7218 for more information

1268592 EburgMoms15 GP

Ellensburg Pediatrics

27

Rethinking family leave

By Heidi Stevens Chicago Tribune

A

fascinating study, written by Cornell University economics researcher Ankita Patnaik, compares the notoriously stingy maternity and paternity leave policies in the United States with those in Canada, where, Patnaik writes, mothers are entitled to a year of unpaid, job-protected leave after a birth, and fathers are guaranteed 37 weeks of unpaid, jobprotected leave.

In the United States, new parents are guaranteed just 12 weeks of unpaid, jobprotected leave under the Family and Medical Leave Act. Even with the 37-week job protection in place, however, a majority of Canadian men weren’t taking paternity leave until recently. To boost those numbers, Quebec launched a “daddy-only” program in 2006 that established an automatic five-week paid leave for fathers.

In response, the number of fathers taking paternity leave jumped from 21.3 percent to 53 percent.

One noteworthy effect of all those extra dads at home — even temporarily — is a long-term leveling out of domestic roles between men and women, Patnaik found. “(The program) had a large and persistent impact on gender dynamics within households,” Patnaik writes, “even years after the leave period ended, encouraging

26

movement toward a dual-earner, dualcaregiver model wherein fathers and mothers contributed more equally to home and market production.”

By studying time-use surveys since the onset of the “daddy-only” leave program, she found that men who participated in the fiveweek leave continued to spend an average of 23 percent more time engaged in child-care and housework than other men, long after both parents were back at work full-time.

Patnaik argues that more cultures should look to Quebec’s program for guidance.

“Getting more fathers access to family leave would be good for the men, good for their children and, my research suggests, good for gender equity at work as well as at home,” she writes. “Maybe it’s time for an affirmative action program for dads when it comes to parental leave.”

Meanwhile, New York Magazine writer Jennifer Senior — author of “All Joy and No Fun: The Paradox of Modern Parenthood” (Ecco) — penned a piece recently that argues that parents should be offered maternity and paternity leave when their children reach adolescence.

“During adolescence, the prefrontal cortex, which is basically in charge of the brain’s executive function, isn’t yet finished developing, which means teenagers aren’t exactly stellar at decision-making and

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yO u

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u A hippopotamus may seem huge but it can still run faster than a man. u There were about 300 bones in your body when you were born, but by the time you reach adulthood you only have 206.

u By the time you are 70 you will have easily drunk over 12,000 gallons of water.

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“Sixth sick sheik’s sixth sheep’s sick”. Give it a try and see for yourself.

u The blue whale, the largest animal to have ever existed, is 96 feet long and weights 125 tons. This is as much as 4 large dinosaurs (Brontosauri), 23 elephants, 230 cows or 1800 men.

u u u u

Honeybees have hair on their eyes.

Cows can sleep standing up.

People used to think the Manatee was a mermaid.

T he Hindus of India once believed that the Earth was a huge bowl (to keep the oceans from falling off ) held up by giant elephants standing on long pillars. No one back then ever thought to ask what the pillars were standing on!

u Vincent Van Gogh only sold 1 painting his whole life and that was to his brother!

u T he chameleon has a tongue that is 1.5 times the length of its body! u Mark Twain, one of America’s best-loved authors, dropped out of school when he was 12 years old, after his father died.

u Night butterflies have ears on their wings so they can avoid bats. u The deadliest disease was the pneumonic form of the Black Death of 1347-1351. It had death rate of 100%.

u B abe Ruth kept a cabbage leaf under his cap to keep cool. u Locusts can eat their own weight in food in a day. A person eats his own body weight in about half a year.

u Wilt Chamberlain scored 100 points in a basketball game in 1962, when he played for the Philadelphia Warriors.

u T he common garden worm has five pairs of hearts. u The female black widow’s poison is 15 times deadlier than a rattlesnake’s!

u T he average human dream lasts only 2 to 3 seconds. u The fastest bird is the peregrine falcon. It can fly at a speed of 168-217 miles per hour.

the violence of the game; I think everyone that plays at a high level is passionate about that,” he said in an interview with CBS. “However, I don’t think you shouldn’t be informed and you should have every opportunity to know all you can about the dangers of that feeling that you

simplicity of the movement, the experience of being in such an exposed position,” he wrote.

“Those reasons are a powerful enough motivation for me to take certain risks. But it’s a personal decision, and one that I consider carefully before any serious ascent.”

It’s easy to pass judgment on another person’s choices, but when they are the result of careful thought, you’ve got to respect them.

So Borland and Honnold deserve our admiration, as do their parents. It’s a rare thing to encounter such courage and wisdom in two people, even if they’re headed in opposite directions.

love and the sport that you’re passionate about.”

He allowed, though, that others could reach a different conclusion, and that leads to the second part of the risk equation: self-awareness.

Everyone needs to understand how much of a gamble they’re willing to make, and that’s why I’m equally impressed by Honnold, the rope-shunning rock climber.

He clearly grasps that what he does could end in death, but he believes if he played it safe, his life would be diminished.

He summed it up in an essay soon after his sponsor dropped him: “Soloing appeals to me for a variety of reasons: the feeling of mastery that comes from taking on a big challenge, the sheer

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Risk assessment a crucial part of game for families

By John Keilman Chicago Tribune

A

s a parent whose kids participate in sports, I was struck by the recent story of a young and accomplished football player who abruptly ended his career for fear of hurting his brain.

Chris Borland, a linebacker for the San Francisco 49ers, said the research he had done into the game’s possible neurological consequences made his decision simple.

Borland’s father, interviewed

by Fox Sports, said he was proud of his son’s maturity.

“I think maybe it’s one of those affirming things as a parent, you know, that maybe somewhere along the line you accidentally did something right,” he said.

A few days later, I read a story about another young athlete who reached the opposite conclusion about his own dangerous sport.

Alex Honnold is the world’s best free-soloist, a person who climbs sheer rock faces without a rope, putting himself at risk of death every time he goes 22

onto a mountain. The activity is so potentially lethal that one of Honnold’s corporate sponsors withdrew its support, saying it no longer wanted to be associated with such extreme risk-taking.

Yet on he climbs, aiming toward a ropeless ascent of California’s forbidding El Capitan. His mother, asked by the New York Times about how she could put up with her son’s life of peril, said she learned to stop worrying.

“Alex is the only one on the planet who knows what Alex can do, and I’ve had to learn to just trust that,” she said.

These obviously are very different situations, but for me, they are both evidence of parents and children who have learned a vital and underrated life skill — evaluating risk.

We are in an age of helicopter parents and padded playgrounds, where many of us try to protect our kids by sanding down life’s sharp corners. We can’t get them all, though, so sooner or later we

have to figure out just how much danger we’re willing to tolerate.

Most people are terrible with this. They exaggerate minor threats and ignore major ones — not allowing a child to venture outside in a safe neighborhood, say, while letting him down a pantry’s worth of snack cakes and energy drinks.

It leads to a weird combination of dread and obliviousness that screws up both a parent’s and a child’s ability to gauge risk. And if Jimmy and Madison don’t start developing that skill when they’re young, they’ll probably learn it the hard way once they’re grown.

Getting through this starts with critical thinking, and that’s why I’m so impressed with Borland. He knew the hazards of football in a way few of us can, and he withstood them long enough to make it to the NFL. But then he did a sober, painstaking examination of what he was doing and decided the prudent thing was to quit.

“I love the visceral feeling of

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Breast milk cont. it all away,” she said. “It was a lot of hard work to pump it and freeze it, and breast milk seems like a hot commodity right now.”

Rice said she’s healthy, avoids nicotine and alcohol and is scrupulous about cleanliness.

She wouldn’t offer milk that she wouldn’t feed her own baby, she said, but she knows that’s just her word.

“They would have to be very confident in me,” she said. “It’s another one of those honesty and trust things that they’re going to trust that it’s OK.” That’s not enough for health experts such as the federal Food and Drug Administration (FDA) and the American Academy of Pediatrics (AAP), which frown on the process, advising women to never use milk bought or donated from strangers. Tamara Wescott, a lactation specialist

2014

Kittitas

at Swedish Medical Center, typically directs women with the greatest need to sites such as the Northwest Mothers Milk Bank in Portland, which provides breast milk to babies by prescription.

“We have to ensure that babies are given milk that has been assessed and treated,” Wescott said. “I cannot advocate for passing milk between mothers without having it being professionally evaluated.”

No question, breast milk is best for babies, Knox said. But if it’s a choice between unscreened breast milk from strangers or formula, she’d choose formula.

“Formula is not the devil when you need it,” she said.

However, she added, if mothers who need milk seek donors they know — and the women are willing to provide prenatal screening records — that may be a different story.

For Jesi Paschen, it is important to know the women who provide milk for her baby.

She gets some milk for Radlee from two local women who are regular donors and insists on meeting other women before she accepts their supplies. And she has asked donors to sign a form that attests that they’re HIV-free, monogamous, free of sexually transmitted diseases, and that they don’t smoke or use drugs.

It’s not a formal medical record, but Paschen said she feels comfortable that her donors are safe. These are women she sees every week, she said.

“If I just say that breast milk is what’s best for my child and if I just generally think about it that way, I’m perfectly OK with it,” she said.

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through various sites.

An analysis of more than 100 samples purchased in 2012 found that more than 10 percent of the human milk for sale had been mixed with cow’s milk — and at high enough levels to indicate the adulteration was intentional.

“I was surprised that it was that many samples,” said Sarah Keim, principal researcher at Nationwide Children’s. “Even a small amount of cow’s milk could be harmful to a baby with cow’s milk allergies.”

Keim suggested that sellers may have been adding the cow’s milk to the human milk to boost

volume — and income. Breast milk typically sells for about $3 an ounce. Keim wasn’t able to test donated milk because of confidentiality issues.

The results follow a 2013 study by Keim and her colleagues that reported that nearly 75 percent of the samples for sale through the site OnlyTheBreast.com were contaminated with diseasecausing bacteria.

OnlyTheBreast (OTB) officials said in a statement they urge sellers to follow best practices for expressing, handling and storing human milk, including steps for shipping, freezing and peer-to-peer screening of donors.

“We believe most OTB donors are honest, abiding by OTB terms and are simply looking to provide safe milk for babies in need,” the statement said.

But Keim said her results show that women seeking breast milk can’t always trust the providers.

“Even when women feel like they’re doing a thorough job of choosing the best milk provider, you don’t know,” she said. “People aren’t often very open about their lifestyle or their health behaviors.”

More families are turning to online sources for breast milk, which are far different from the network of organized milk banks that typically provide screened and pasteurized donor milk to hospital neonatal units and via prescription to babies with medical needs.

In 2011, there were about 13,000 postings to the top four sites that broker milk sales and donations, Keim said. By last year, that number had grown to 55,000.

In Seattle and Washington state, posts to such sites are popular, too. There are nearly

5,000 “likes” for the Washington HM4HB Facebook page.

Recently several classified ads on OnlyTheBreast.com offered milk for sale from area mothers.

“Seattle sweet cream supplier look(ing) for a buyer, $15/5oz bag,” reads one entry by a seller known as “Sparks.” She did not reply to requests for comment.

Of course, women have been milk-sharing for millennia, experts note. Before the advent of manufactured infant formulas, wet-nursing was the only way to make sure babies were fed if their mothers couldn’t produce, noted Dr. Isabella Knox, a neonatologist and breast-feeding expert with Seattle Children’s.

“I am a proponent of milksharing,” Knox said. “But I would not buy it on the Internet from a stranger. I think it’s really unsafe.”

Without proper screening, there’s no way to know whether the breast-milk supplier has diseases such as HIV or tuberculosis or whether she’s taken prescription or illicit drugs.

About 20 percent of the milk samples in Keim’s previous study were positive for cytomegalovirus, or CMV, which can cause serious illness in sick or premature babies, often the target market for milk donations and sales. More than 20 percent of requests for milk online are for babies with health problems.

That troubles donors such as Mariesa Rice, 27, of Whidbey Island, Wash., who found herself with ample supplies of milk after the birth of her son, Brian, two months ago. She has about 150 ounces of milk stored in her freezer and decided to offer it on the HM4HB site to help other new moms.

“I didn’t just want to throw (Continued on next page) 17

Study raises worries about ordering breast milk online

By JoNel Aleccia The Seattle Times

When a blood clot in her brain prevented Jesi Paschen from nursing her second daughter, she turned to what she believed was the next best thing: breast milk from another mother.

T

he 27-year-old mom wanted newborn Radlee, now 7 months, to glean the same benefits as sister Hinlee, 2, including all the nutrition, antibodies and other 16

disease-fighting properties found in human milk. So Paschen, like growing numbers of mothers who can’t nurse their own children, turned to online sources, including the Facebook site for the Washington state chapter of Human Milk for Human Babies, or HM4HB. “I believe that breast milk is best for my child,” said Paschen, who still takes medication that could be harmful if transmitted to the baby.

But a study by researchers at Nationwide Children’s Hospital in Columbus, Ohio, is raising new doubts about the safety of milksharing, including breast milk bought and sold on the Internet

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the midst of violent outbreaks.”

Research backs up Senior’s point that trying to reach an unattainable ideal can’t but lead to a dejected emotional state. According to a 2012 study published in the Journal of Child and Family Studies, all-in mothering is associated with negative mental health outcomes. “The belief that women are the essential parent was related to lower life satisfaction, and believing that parenting is challenging was related to greater depression and stress.”

Furthermore, women who believe that they are the only capable caregiver “may limit help from others,” which will only compound their stress and isolation.

And, not surprisingly, there is empirical evidence that extreme maternal unhappiness is bad for children. A 2006 research review found that there is a link between depressed moms and language and cognitive delays in very young children. There’s even some evidence that extremely stressed parents can affect brain development in their children.

Hopefully, the newly published longitudinal study will help encourage some pushback against the “intensive parenting” dogma that has dominated the lives of middle- and upper-class parents for the last few decades.

There are rumblings of a revolt already. In 2014, the law professor and policy expert Rosa Brooks wrote an essay in Foreign Policy in which she exhorted fellow moms to “recline” — to relax their perfectionism in work and parenting. “Whether it’s one more meeting, one more memo, one more conference, one more play date, one more soccer game or one more flute lesson for the kids, sometimes we need to say, ‘Enough!,’” Brooks wrote.

There is no “best” amount of time to spend with your children. As a Georgetown child and adolescent psychiatrist told the Washington Post’s Brigid Schulte for her article on the longitudinal study, “I’m not aware of any rich and telling literature on whether there’s a ‘sweet spot’ of the right amount of time to spend with kids.”

Despite what mothers like Lydia Lovric believe, there isn’t a one-size-fits-all approach to ideal outcomes for children. Mothers should have the confidence to believe that they know what works for themselves and their families, whether it’s having a “fancy job” or leaving that behind.

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The takeaway from this study shouldn’t be that stay-at-home moms are throwing away their lives, but that mothers privileged enough to have a choice about whether to work should stop worrying about what’s best for the children and focus on their own needs.

Because it’s clear that there’s too much pressure on modern mothers. In her 2005 bestseller, Perfect Madness: Motherhood in the Age of Anxiety, Judith Warner argued that middle-class Americans have come to expect “good” mothers to be “almost always on-duty.”

Whether you work or not, you have to help with homework and do the school bake sale and coach hockey and make lifelike dioramas. “You (have) to give quality and quantity time,” Warner wrote, “and if you (want), at the same time, to set your child on the path to a productive future, you (have) to model productive behavior, and keep yourself in a state of constant busyness.”

Given our cultural obsession with motherhood, it’s no wonder that, several years later, in 2014, another book on parenting became another

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massive bestseller: Jennifer Senior’s All Joy and No Fun. It argued that what Warner describes can make mothers pretty miserable. Senior profiled a married working mom of two named Angie, who was so hard on herself about being a good mom that she found being at home much more challenging than being at work. Amazingly, Angie was employed as a nurse who regularly dealt with “schizophrenic and psychotic inpatients, often in

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MOTHER-NEEDS:

Home or work? No one-size-fits-all approach to ideal outcomes for kids

By Jessica Grose, Los Angeles Times

A

stay-at-home mother named Lydia Lovric recently lit up social media across North America with an article in Huffington Post Canada titled “Dear Daughter, Here’s Why I Don’t Work.” Lovric explained that she left a “fancy job” she loved to take care of her children because “your first few years are unparalleled in terms of the amount of information you will process and the things you will learn,” and Mom is clearly the ideal person to convey that information.

Lovric risked reigniting the mommy wars. On Twitter and Facebook, working mothers defended their right to a career; stay-at-home mothers rallied around the argument that having Mom around from day-to-day and hour-to-hour is better for children.

Hold your horses, Lydia. That assumption, painful to women who don’t leave their jobs —

fancy or otherwise — may not be right. A new report published in the Journal of Marriage and Family shows that the amount of time mothers spend with their children has no provable bearing on their kids’ emotional well-being or their academic achievement.

Sociologists analyzed time-use data from a longitudinal study of 1,610 children ages 3 to 11 and 778 children ages 12 to 18. They found that even though the belief that “the proper development of children requires mothers lavishing large amounts of time and energy on offspring” is pervasive among middle- and upper-class Americans, there is no evidence to support that notion. There is some evidence that the over-12 set could benefit from quality time, but from both parents — not just their (Continued on next page) mothers.

13

Fringe hours cont. order to free up her mornings for running, reading or even meditating. She started carrying her to-do list with her so when she has a spare minute she knows what she needs to get done in order to preserve that morning time.

“Part of maximizing your fringe hours is being prepared,” Turner said.

Tracking your time also can uncover areas where precious fringe hours are wasted on activities that are not fulfilling. Turner’s research showed social media as the most common culprit in robbing women’s free time.

Turner suggests deleting apps, silencing smartphone notifications and setting clear

boundaries for social media usage if it causes you to frivolously spend your time.

“When you get to the end of your life and you talk about what your passions are, you’re probably not going to list Facebook,” she said.

If filling every pocket of free time sounds like another thing to stress about, Turner says that’s not the point.

“Fringe hours don’t necessarily have to be spent doing something,” she said.

“They’re all about just taking care of yourself and what you need for yourself.”

Sometimes that may mean stepping outside for a few breaths of air, sitting quietly at your kitchen table or getting an extra hour of sleep.

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doing housework or “messing around on Facebook.” She asked for her husband’s help with folding laundry and wiping the counters, which he started doing while watching TV after the kids went to bed.

“It started to pay dividends right away,” she said. “I started feeling much better, much healthier. I have more energy and have a better outlook on all of it.”

Taking advantage of fringe hours isn’t about simply adding activities to a packed schedule.

Turner is open about the things she chooses to let go of in order to pursue her hobbies.

“My house is not Pinterestperfect,” she said. “I personally don’t care too much about things like scrubbing baseboards or organizing closets. I’m comfortable with good enough is good enough.”

Turner also has learned to graciously say “no” to things that aren’t a priority, even if it’s something she’d like to do. She recently turned down an offer to read in her son’s classroom because her day was already packed.

[ ] “Serving others and working hard are good things, but they lose that goodness when they’re at the expense of your own health and well-being.”

“Though I wanted to say yes, I knew that it would cause a lot of additional stress and juggling within the day,” she said. “I don’t know that the mom I was three or four years ago would have been able to say no as quickly, but I have learned that so often

I’ll regret saying yes and overyessing myself, but I never regret saying no.”

“Overwhelmed” used to be Rebecca Young’s regular state.

“I would get to the end of the day and think, ‘Where did it go?

What did I do all day?’ It was filled from top to bottom,” she said.

The Cedarburg, Wis., mom worked full time and kept a perfectly organized schedule.

But “just because it’s organized doesn’t mean that it’s balanced,” she said.

Young tried tracking her time, a practice that Turner advocates in The Fringe Hours.

“It was a big eye-opener,” Young said.

She found she spent a lot of time in the morning doing little tasks that she could move to other fringe hours of the day in (Continued on next page)

1268643 EburgMoms15 GP

11

Make time for yourself by using ‘fringe hours’

By Alison Sherwood Milwaukee Journal Sentinel

J

essica N. Turner’s days are full. With three young children, a husband, a fulltime job and a successful blog, it’s easy to see what keeps her busy. But despite her workload and daily responsibilities, she spends at least two hours a day scrapbooking, reading, crafting or otherwise taking time for herself.

How does she fit it all in?

By making wise use of what she calls her “fringe hours,” or pockets of time that often go unused or frittered away throughout the day.

The Oshkosh, Wis., native and University of Wisconsin graduate opens a magazine on her bathroom counter while she blow dries her hair, stashes note cards in her purse to write messages to friends in spare minutes and keeps a book in her car to read during the two- or three-minute wait in the school pickup line. She takes a lunch break every day and wakes up at 5 a.m. to write, scrapbook or pray before the rest of her house rises.

10

Turner even wrote a book in her fringe hours.

In The Fringe Hours: Making Time for You, Turner makes the case that every woman can and should spend time daily doing something personally fulfilling.

“So many women need this permission slip that taking care of themselves is not only OK, but it’s right and necessary and good to do,” she said in an interview with the Milwaukee Journal Sentinel.

The book reads like a coaching session, with Turner prompting you to stop, evaluate your schedule and answer questions every few pages.

She weaves together personal anecdotes (including faithbased wisdom; the book is from Christian publisher Revell, a division of Baker), stories from dozens of interviews and research she conducted via an online survey of more than 2,000 women.

One of the survey’s biggest findings: “So many women weren’t making time for themselves because of feelings of guilt,” Turner said.

Sarah Kooiman of Waukesha, Wis., was one of those survey respondents who let guilt keep her from pursuing her hobbies and taking care of herself.

Kooiman is married with three young kids and works around 50 hours a week between two jobs.

To say she’s busy, “that would be an understatement,” she said.

“There’s constant pressure to be more and do more for everybody. Serving others and working hard are good things, but they lose that goodness when they’re at the expense of your own health and well-being,” Kooiman said.

Feeling guilty that she was spending less time with her kids when she started her second job, Kooiman stopped making time to exercise.

After reading The Fringe Hours, she gave herself permission to prioritize her health. Realizing she had fringe hours a few nights a week after her waitressing shift, she started heading to the gym rather than

for high school seniors story It only makes sense, since I’ve done this twice before with his older brother and sister.

I’ve got the experience. And the commitment. It’s also tricky, being as I’m the last person he wants to need right now.

“I got it, Mom,” has been his mantra since eighth grade.

Except this time, he doesn’t.

The other afternoon, after a night of pre-dawn homework, then running out the door with no breakfast and barely eating lunch, after practicing for the senior choir concert, after playing tennis for three hours, his legs gave out while running.

Literally.

He fell over. He quickly got up.

But first he fell over.

The school’s athletic trainer examined him carefully the next morning before school, asked him a lot of questions and concluded: “You are dehydrated and fatigued.

You need more sleep, more food and more water.”

It was all I could do not to say “I told you so,” which a good assistant would never say.

Except, of course, that I’m also his mother who beseeched him that morning to remember to eat, drink and sleep.

It’s the irony of the relationship. But it’s always been that ironic, giving him just the right advice at the right time so he can leave it behind.

Right now, the relationship is also about avoidance. All of it — reminding him to order the cap, the gown, nagging him about graduation party invitations — it’s all just a cover-up for

what’s really going on. And as long as we stay tangled up in all the accoutrements of this new chapter in our lives, we don’t have to think about the major changes ahead.

The other night, it was clear to both of us what was needed.

The leg thing happened again.

The trainer still maintained it was normal overuse, common among high-school athletes, which is a whole other story.

Meanwhile, I stopped by his room, where he was doing homework as I headed to bed.

“You’ve sure got a lot going on, don’t you?” I said.

“I do,” he offered.

“Tell you what,” Sometimes I said. “How about they need I take on your schedule for the someone who next eight weeks? I’ll knows when get out my calendar to give a hug. and plug in all your stuff, and I’ll keep And when to you informed as to stay far, far what’s what and away. when. I’ll be your advocate and No. 1 assistant.”

I had no idea what he was going to say, maybe “I got it, Mom.” Instead, “That’d be great, Mom,” he said. “Thanks.”

He smiled then, whether a patronizing smile, or one of relief and gratitude, I’m not sure.

I just know I got the job.

One more time.

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Crush of chores mask the deeper

By Debra-Lynn B. Hook Tribune News Service

E

very high-school senior could use a personal assistant right about now.

Graduating seniors are not only juggling the usual array of end-ofyear exams, concerts, picnics and tournaments. They’re also managing multiple graduation- and posthigh-school-related deadlines and commitments, including college placement tests, scholarship applications and job interviews.

They have to remember to get fitted for a cap and gown by Monday, order graduation invitations by Tuesday, sign up for the yearbook

by Wednesday, shoot and deliver senior photos by Thursday and ask a date to prom before all the dates get taken.

All this, and they are on the verge of leaving high school and home.

And, some would say, childhood.

It’s all so heady, so much to navigate — a calendar that even the best, multi-tasking adult would have trouble keeping up with. Which is doubly problematic for the 17-yearold boy who doesn’t even own a calendar.

Which is why mine needs an assistant.

And not just any assistant.

He needs someone who knows how to be available 24-7. Someone who cares enough to text, Tweet and have face-to-face encounters until he gets it. Someone who will bring him his lunch midday because he forgot. Someone who knows when to give a hug. And when to stay far, far away.

He needs his mother.

“The biggest thing has always been raising awareness by new moms that this is actually an opportunity for them,” Larsen said.

One issue has been that expectant parents are often flooded with offers during pregnancy to preserve cord blood in private banks as a hedge should their own child develop an illness later in life. If the child needed a lifesaving stem-cell transplant, for example, his or her cells would be available to provide it, according to companies such as Viacord and CryoCell International.

For-profit companies charge between $1,200 and $2,000 to collect and process the blood, and then about $175 a year to store it, presumably for decades. Most health-insurance providers don’t cover the cost, although company officials say they’ve arranged discounts with some.

But groups such as the American Medical Association encourage public banking, and the American Congress of Obstetricians and Gynecologists says the chance of a child needing his or her own cord blood is remote — as low as 1 in 2,700 people.

Public banking, in contrast, is free to the donor families. It creates a wider pool of donors to increase the chance that people who need stem-cell transplants will actually receive them, according to Be the Match, the national program that advocates for bone-marrow and cord-blood donations.

The American Academy of Pediatrics (AAP), which has recommended public banking in the past, says exceptions include situations in which an infant has a full sibling with cancer or a genetic condition treatable with cord-blood transplants.

The AAP is now rewriting its cordblood guidance, with new consideration of the possibility of using cord blood for regenerative-tissue purposes, said Dr. William T. Shearer, a professor of pediatrics and immunology at Baylor College of Medicine, who authored the past guidelines. Future research could bolster the argument for private banking.

But for the Field family, donating to a private bank was never an option. Carl Field, 30, an adviser for the University of Washington Physicians practice group,

is a frequent blood-platelet donor and serves on a board for the blood center. Through that work, he learned about uses for cord blood, which range from clinical transplants to research.

“The potential use of (private banking) is so much smaller than the potential use of someone else needing it,” he said.

The Bloodworks Northwest public bank has been collecting cord blood and preserving the donations in liquid nitrogen since 1997. The bank now boasts 11,000 units in storage.

There are about 100 “matches” each year — situations in which certain blood proteins of the donor match those of a person who needs a transplant to treat dire illness.

Caycee Holt, a Seattle mother of three, got a call a few years ago that the cord blood she donated after the birth of her son, Chase, now 6, was matched with a 15-year-old girl with non-Hodgkin lymphoma, a blood cancer.

“That’s the best call I’ve ever taken in my life,” Holt said. “I like to believe maybe she’s living a beautiful love- and light-filled life in some small part because I donated.”

The Fields agree. They plan to tell Carl V, now 7 months old, about his cord-blood contribution when he’s old enough.

“I’d like to see every obstetrician tell their parents: This is a great program, and you should do it,” Christy Olsen Field said. “It’s such an easy way to save a life.”

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Interest growing in donating to

‘cord-blood’ banks

By Jonel Aleccia The Seattle Times

Like other first-time parents, Carl Field and Christy Olsen Field had dozens of details to finalize as they prepared for their son’s birth last August.

But unlike most parents in Seattle and elsewhere, the Ballard couple made sure to stress one crucial item on the birth-plan checklist: Donate the baby’s umbilical cord blood to a public cord-blood bank.

“W

e had a few different doctors right at the end of our pregnancy,” recalled Christy Olsen Field, 29. “We told each of them that we wanted to do the cord-blood donation. We had to tell them that we wanted to do it.”

The doctors supported the Fields’ desire to donate cord blood, a rich source of stem cells that can be used for lifesaving transplants for people with cancer and other diseases. But the practice is far from routine.

Only about 20 percent of eligible local parents donate their newborns’ cord blood to public banks.

Otherwise, it’s discarded as medical waste.

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In addition, only about a quarter of local hospital staffers are trained and certified to be able to collect cord blood, said Dave Larsen, director of communications for Bloodworks Northwest, formerly Puget Sound Blood Center. And, in the past, few area hospitals were part of the program that allowed patients to donate.

So the Fields say they felt like they had to be especially insistent to ensure they could preserve the donation after their baby, Carl V, was born.

The few ounces of blood collected come from the umbilical cord and placental vessels. The blood must be retrieved right after birth and frozen within 48 hours, according to the federal Food and Drug Administration, which regulates the practice.

“If you miss that window, it’s gone,” said Christy Olsen Field, a grant writer for the Nordic Heritage Museum. “There’s just a huge number of people who don’t know and just throw it out.”

The situation has been changing, although slowly. Last month, Bloodworks Northwest added Tacoma General Hospital to the program, bringing the total number of regional hospitals to 12, and adding the potential for cord-blood donations from more than 3,000 babies each year.

All told, about 31,000 babies are born in the regional partner hospitals each year. But only about 6,000 cords are donated to the Bloodworks’ public bank, Larsen said.

machine works, we do our best to explain. In his short life, your child has learned that the best way to make sense of things is to ask,” parenting coach Susan Stiffelman said.

Though a young child blurting out: “Mama, why is that man’s skin this color?” or “Why doesn’t that lady have any legs?” might give you an internal cringe, it’s important to remember that “most people are more tolerant of young children’s questions than you give them credit for,” Stiffelman said.

It’s a parent or guardian’s responsibility to assess the situation and decide whether to address it right away or wait until a quieter moment, but the question shouldn’t go unanswered.

We can either whisper something in our child’s ear about needing to discuss a particular topic at a different time or use that moment, if it seems appropriate, to explain “people come in all different colors.”

Local mom Stacey Szeliga, whose children are ages 7, 6, 4 and two months, said that “embarrassment about kids, whether it be tantrums, crying, questions or whatever, comes from a desire for them to act like adults, not be kids.

“The world is new to them; they have questions. Their observations and questions come from an innocent place; there are no negative associations to different things. They just observe, usually verbally and

through questions. We are the ones who attach negatively in the way we respond.”

Case in point: last summer my 4-year-old daughter Josie rode in the same car as a close family friend of ours on a trip to the Oregon coast. Later on that family friend told me that Josie looked at her and said, “you need to eat less.” My heart sank at hearing what was said. While I could see that my daughter’s observation was a little hurtful, our friend was quick to add, “She

“

I felt my face flush with color before I could properly gather my thoughts.

I can’t quite recall whether I muttered a quiet “sorry” or turned to my son in attempts to silence him.

doesn’t know any different. She’s just a child, and she’s telling the truth.”

Though I was (irrationally) a little upset with my daughter for her seeming lack of insensitivity, I quickly reminded myself that she was at a naturally curious stage of development. Later on I did my best to talk with her about people coming in different shapes and sizes and our need to share uplifting aspects about others. If we don’t, we could hurt people’s feelings, I told her.

Local mom Julie Carlson, whose children are ages 9, 7, 4 and six months said that she prepares her older kids for people’s differences in advance as much as possible.

“I tell them we’ll see people with different colored skin and explain why. Going to the park for free lunch I would explain to them about kids’ clothing, personal hygiene, etc,” she said.

“Going to the grocery store and seeing someone in a wheelchair or extremely overweight, I’d tell them not to stare and explain reasons they might be in a wheelchair or large. I teach them God created people’s differences, so if you have a question, talk to me about it privately.”

Beyond such important conversations as this, parents/ guardians have the opportunity to model respectful manners to their children, Stiffelman said.

“If you say unkind things about people at a gathering, ‘Did you see what Caroline was wearing? What was she thinking?’ you will be planting the seeds of legitimate rudeness,” she said. “Be friendly and kind to those around you, both to their faces and behind their backs, and your children will model their behavior after you.”

?

5

Parenting at its finest:

When kids ask those Emba rr as si ng questions

By Alisa Weis For The Daily Record

I

’ll never forget the moment last summer when my 5-yearold son Trenton turned around in the grocery cart and pointed at the elderly gentleman standing in line behind us.

“Mom, why does that man have only one tooth? What happened to the rest of them?”

I felt my face flush with color before I could properly gather my thoughts. I can’t quite recall whether I muttered a quiet “sorry” or turned to my son in attempts to silence him, I vividly remember the older man’s boisterous laugh followed by a “Oh, just you wait. Someday you’ll be my age, and you won’t

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have any teeth either.”

Not reading my cues to stop his line of questioning, my inquisitive little guy pressed on.

He gestured toward the conveyer belt, where the man placed his groceries and said, “But how does he eat anything?”

Instead of answering my son’s question in a diplomatic fashion or addressing the amused stranger standing behind us, I took that opportunity to push the cart forward a bit, relieved it was my turn at the cash register.

I couldn’t wait for the checker to ring me up so we could leave before my son let anything else slip.

While my avoidance of the issue wasn’t necessarily detrimental, I later realized I

could have handled it differently.

In her blog, The Parenting Path, writer and mother Lori Jo Kemper reminds parents to view their child(ren)’s uncomfortable questions as “teachable moments.” She goes on to say that “a parent’s reaction is everything.” So in other words: you might feel yourself burning up of embarrassment, but that doesn’t mean you should lose all composure or reprimand your child for asking an innocent question.

“Kids are passionate learners, eager to understand the world around them. If we ask them where milk comes from, we launch into an impromptu lesson on cows. When they want to know how the washing

Kittitas County’s resource just for parents

30 4 When kids ask those embarrassing questions 6 ‘ Cord-blood’ banks 8 C rush of chores for high school seniors mask the deeper story 10 M aking time for yourself by using ‘fringe hours’ 13 H ome or work? No one-size-fits-all approach to ideal outcomes for kids

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16 Worries about ordering breast milk online

iNSIDE

20 Need-to-know numbers

Cover Photo: Brian Myrick

22 R isk assessment a crucial part of game for families 24 Fun Facts

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26 Rethinking family leave

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28 Do babies need to watch their calories 29 Helping seniors deal with college rejections 30 Key to obedience 37 H ow can parents stop siblings from squabbling?

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38 E quip kids with the right ‘stranger danger’ tools 3

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