Vanguard Holiday Guide 2012 by Portland State Vanguard

HOLIDAY GUIDE 2012

PORTLAND STATE VANGUARD 1

HOLIDAY GUIDE 2012

WRAPPING PAPER

2 PORTLAND STATE VANGUARD

HOLIDAY GUIDE 2012

Contents EDITOR-IN-CHIEF

SWEET S WEET D DIY IY GIFTS

LIGHT UP THE L IGHT U PT H E NIGHT

SICK OF MALL SANTAS? S ICK O FM ALL S ANTAS??

STAY S TAY WARM WA R M IN I N PORTLAND P O R TLAND THIS WINTER

BEST HOT CHOCOLATE B EST H OT C H O C O L ATE IN PDX

CAROLING TO THE C AROLING T OT H E MAX

WHITE ELEPHANT W HITE E LEPHANT

Emily Gravlin

DO DONATION D OD O NATION RIGHT

WRITERS

GIVE THE GIFT G IVE T HE G I F T OF TIME

HOLIDAY BAZAARS AND FAIRS H O L I DAY B AZAARS A ND F AIRS

MISTLETOE MISUSE M I S T L E TO E M ISUSE

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DECKIN’ THE HALLS WITH BELLS D ECKIN’ T HE H ALLS W ITH B ELLS AND RIBBONS

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BOOZY HOLIDAY CHEER FOR B OOZY H O L I DAY C HEER F O R $30

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NAUGHTY SANTA N AU G H T Y S A N TA

GRAPHIC DESIGNERS

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WHAT SANTA W H AT KIDS K I D S DON’T D O N ’ T WANT WA N T FROM FROM S A N TA

Tom Cober, Danielle Fleishman, Dillon Lawerence, Colton Major, Maria Perala

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WE WISH YOU SMELLY CHRISTMAS W EW ISH Y OU A S M E L LY C H R I S T M AS

ILLUSTRATION

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STRANGE HOLIDAYS S TRANGE H O L I DAYS

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NO WAR ON CHRISTMAS HERE N OW AR O NC HRISTMAS H ERE

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AS YOU NEEDED ANOTHER REASON TO A S IIF FY OU N EEDED A N OT H E R R EASON T O

Erick Bengel

EDITORS Whitney Beyer, Marco España, Meredith Meier, Louie Opatz, Deeda Schroeder

PRODUCTION MANAGER Elizabeth Thompson

PHOTO EDITOR Kayla Nguyen

ART DIRECTOR Danielle Fleishman

COPY CHIEF

Mike Allen, Kat Audick, Mary Breaden, Tristan Cooper, Shanna Cranston, Robin Crowell, Stephanie Fudge-Bernard, Crystal Gardener, Rosemary Hanson, Emily Lakehomer, Kevin Rackham, Maya Seaman, Gwen Shaw

PHOTOGRAPHERS Karl Kuchs, Riza Liu, Miles Sanguinetti, Corinna Scott

COVER PHOTO Karl Kuchs

Danielle Fleishman

ADVERTISING MANAGER Sam Gressett

ADVERTISING REPRESENTATIVES Brittany Laureys, Kari Tate

ADVERTISING DESIGNER Romeo Salazar

DRINK DURING THE HOLIDAYS... D RINK D URING T HE H O L I DAYS . . . 18 18

SANTA CLAUSES COMING TO TOWN S A N TA C L AU S E S C OMING T OT OWN

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HAPPY KRAMPUS H A P PY K RAMPUS

ADVISOR Judson Randall

ADVERTISING ADVISOR Ann Roman

DISTRIBUTORS Erik Mutzke, Katie Quick

PORTLAND STATE VANGU VANGUARD UARD 3

HOLIDAY GUIDE 2012

Sweet DIY gifts Ideas for gift-givers on a budget

DO IT YOURSELF FOR CHEAP, EASY PRESENTS

GWEN SHAW PHOTO BY Riza Liu The holiday season is something most students look forward to.Classes are over until the new year, and it’s time to celebrate the end of this year with the family and friends that you love. Though there are many great things about the holidays, there are two that stand out to me: giving and receiving gifts, and the desserts. But on a college budget, it’s hard to give everyone you love something amazing…or is it? There are some thoughtful do-it-yourself gift ideas that are extremely cheap and easy to make— even for someone in college. Most of these involve desserts, which you can give away or keep for yourself.

GINGERBREAD HOUSE DECORATING PARTY As a kid, I remember that my friend would hold a gingerbread house decorating party every year. Instead of gingerbread houses (which are still a possibility, just use graham crackers as walls), you can decorate ice cream cones instead. Turn them upside down and decorate with frosting and candy pieces of your choice. This can easily turn into a party. Invite friends over and ask everyone to bring their favorite candy to decorate. It divides the cost and is a great way to have fun with friends before going home to your family.

HOT CHOCOLATE AT YOUR PARTY At a tree-decorating party—or any festive holiday gathering—hot chocolate is a perfect soul-warming beverage. This year, bypass the store-bought stuﬀ and make your own! You can double it up as a gift and a dessert for another occasion. This recipe makes a ton of mix so it can be used for many things, from stocking your own pantry to giving as a gift in a colorful canister.

HOMEMADE HOT CHOCOLATE Mix together 12 cups of powdered milk (one 25.6-oz box), 2 cups of powdered sugar, a 2-pound can of Nestle Nesquik and 1 cup of powdered creamer. You can use the mix in many ways. Keep some for yourself, bring it to a party or throw some in a cute baggie or a jar and add some marshmallows. Attach a gift tag that reads “Add as much mix you want to some hot water and enjoy,” and you’ve got a great gift. If you don’t want to use a jar, put some of the mix in a plastic baggie and place inside a personalized mug. Get cheap, white mugs from the dollar store and use Sharpies to decorate them. Once you have your design, just throw the mugs into an oven at 350 degrees for about 30 minutes. Make sure to take them out carefully and let the mugs cool completely. If you do choose to use jars, you can also ﬁll them with a sugar-based body scrub and throw in a candy cane for the females in your life.

PEPPERMINT SCRUB To fill a pint-sized jar you’ll need 2 cups of sugar, 1/3 cup light olive oil, 2 tablespoons coconut oil and 1/4 teaspoon peppermint oil (omit this if you prefer it unscented). You could even add red food dye to half the batch and layer it in the jar, alternating red and white like a candy cane.

DIY ORNAMENTS At the dollar store (a great place in general for DIY supplies), buy a set of plain ball ornaments. You can turn these into almost anything. Draw squiggles on the ball with puﬀ paint, then paint over it with another color for a textured look. Mod Podge or glue some decorative paper or maps around the ball to make it personalized. Or simply paint a snowman’s face or a reindeer complete with twig “antlers.” Don’t be afraid to get creative and have fun—the more personal your gift, the better. VG

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FYI: Gifts don’t have to be expensive to make someone’s holiday a special one.

HOLIDAY GUIDE 2012

Light up the night

PIONEER COURTHOUSE SQUARE Nov. 23–Dec. 25 bemerrydowntown.org

The 75-foot Douglas ﬁr Christmas tree in the center of Pioneer Courthouse Square is an annual beacon of Portland’s holiday spirit. Thousands of lights set downtown aglow, bringing a little slice of Whoville jubilance to the city. The square hosts events throughout the season, including the Holiday Ale Festival, live music, carolers, Tuba Christmas and, of course, Santa. Check the website calendar for more information.

ZOOLIGHTS

Nov. 23–Dec. 31 (Excluding Dec. 24, 25) Sunday–Thursday: 5–8 p.m. Grounds stay open until 9 p.m. Friday and Saturday: 5–8:30 p.m. Grounds stay open until 9:30 p.m. Free for zoo members; $10 regular admission oregonzoo.org/visit GET LIT: Pioneer Square gets a lot brighter around the holidays.

PORTLAND RADIATES WITH HOLIDAY CHARM

MAYA SEAMAN PHOTO BY Miles Sanguinetti There’s something about holiday lights displays that hat just ju make your town feel eel a li little more magical. It’s a part of the season that brings out thee childlike awe in othe otherwise oth grumpy adults. Whether it’s strolling through Pioneer Square listening to carolers while the glimmering tree towers above or marveling at what the PGE bill must look like for the folks on Peacock Lane, Portland oﬀers enough seasonal sparkle to warm the hearts of the Scroogiest among us.

More than a million lights create this overwhelming spectacle of stationary, animatronic and roving electric creations at the Oregon Zoo. Each year, the zoo’s luminous savannah comes alive with neon crocodiles, birds and giraﬀes. Riding the zoo’s light-bedecked steamer train oﬀers a unique look at the displays, including several installations that can only be viewed as a passenger. The grounds stay open a little later during the holidays, allowing you to take your time through this merry menagerie while clutching a cup of hot cocoa and a bag of fresh kettle corn. Warning: Go early or use public transit—the parking situation can be horrible enough to ruin anyone’s holiday spirit.

PEACOCK LANE

Dec. 15–31 6–11 p.m. (6–midnight on Dec. 24, 31) Free peacocklane.net Holiday lights on Peacock Lane—one block east of Southeast 39th Avenue (Cesar E. Chavez Boulevard) between Southeast Stark Street and Belmont Street—has been a Portland tradition since the 1920s. The quaint Tudor-style homes that line the street come together to create a holiday scene that might almost be seen from space. The best way to view the lights is on foot, as traffic in the area can quickly jam up and parking is scarce. One good option is to head to the Horse Brass Pub at 4534 SE Belmont St., which features Christmas caroling most nights before the lights turn on. You can enjoy the music, fill yourself up on shepherd’s pie and seasonal ale, and then walk it off on your way to Peacock Lane.

THE GROTTO CHRISTMAS FESTIVAL OF LIGHTS Nov. 23–Dec. 30 5–9:30 p.m. $9 general admission (children 2 and under admitted free) thegrotto.org/christmas

The Grotto is a Catholic shrine and botanical garden located at Northeast 85th Avenue and Sandy Boulevard. With about a quarter-mile of lighted pathways and more than 150 choral concerts throughout the season—plus a petting zoo and puppet shows—the Festival of Lights is a Christmas tradition for the whole family. The concerts are indoors, but be sure to dress warmly, as the majority of the displays are outside. VG

Sick of mall Santas? HOLIDAY SHOPPING WITHOUT THE MALLS

108 W Burnside St.

EMILY LAKEHOMER Let’s be honest—holiday shopping sucks. We all make the same “I will not wait till the last minute next year” promise to ourselves, but get real. Every year ﬁnds us rushing at the 11th hour to some god-awful shopping complex, searching desperately for the last toy, Blu-ray player, etc. The worst part about holiday shopping is going to the Lloyd Center or Pioneer Place. These malls are crowded and smelly, and the whole dealing-with-the-line-of-people-waiting-to-see-Santa thing will drive you crazy. Rather than wasting time and money (the cost of all the coﬀee you need to survive a mall adds up), support local businesses and get gifts that err on the side of interesting rather than conventional.

SOCK DREAMS

TENDER LOVING EMPIRE

Nothing says Christmas quite like socks, right? Right. For all your Christmas sock needs, go to Sock Dreams. This sweet little shop is nestled in an old house in Sellwood, on the East side. It has every kind of sock imaginable, every print imaginable—you get the point. This place is cute and quirky and ﬁts nearly any gift-giving budget. Plus it’ll be worth it to see the looks on your gift recipient’s face when they open their package and see…socks!

If you want to give unique, crafty and oneof-a-kind gifts, look no further than Tender Loving Empire, located right near Powell’s Books. Going inside is like walking into a woodland forest full of little indie animals. If Zooey Deschanel were to live in a shop, it would be this one. TLE oﬀers locally made crafty things, jewelry, clothing, cards, toys and home decor. It also houses its own music label, and all of the music is available, in various formats, in-store. Since nearly everything is local, most items are pricier, but still aﬀordable when you think about the time and craftsmanship that goes into each individual piece.

8005 SE 13th Ave.

PORTLAND SATURDAY MARKET

412 SW 10th Ave.

If you want to get even more local, there’s always the Portland Saturday Market. It happens every weekend, and it’s really great in terms of finding local arts, crafts, food and music. If you want to avoid holiday crowds, however, this might not be your first choice. If you are willing to brave the crowd, you’ll more than likely be able to find plenty of trinkets for your loved ones.

CLOUD CAP GAMES 1226 SE Lexington St. Green Bean Books 1600 NE Alberta St.

GREEN BEAN BOOKS 1600 NE Alberta St.

If you’re looking for a gift for the younger set, there are plenty of cute toy stores all over Portland. If you’re in Southeast, try out Cloud Cap Games, an adorable store that specializes in board games. They have a great variety, and the decor is A-plus. If you want to give the gift of literature to a child, go to Green Bean Books. This teeny-tiny store is located on

Northeast Alberta Street, so you know it’s gotta be good. Green Bean houses nearly every children’s book imaginable. It can get cramped when busy, but it’s worth the trek and bustle.

VEGAN MALL 1211 SE Stark St.

Last but certainly not least is the vegan strip mall. This selection of shops is located on Southeast Stark, and is home to Herbivore Clothing Company, Sweetpea Baking Company, Food Fight! Grocery and Scapegoat Tattoo. All four businesses are completely vegan, and all are worth your time and money. Get your sweet gifts from Sweetpea, your party nourishments from Food Fight and clothing-related gifts from Herbivore, then stop by and see Silje or one of the other artists for a one-of-a-kind vegan tattoo. (I recommend Silje just because she did a wonderful job on my most recent tattoo.) So there you have it. There are plenty of other places to go in search of the perfect gift, but these are a good springboard. Remember, shop local and support Portland businesses! Make this holiday season a less stressful one, and reward yourself with some shopping that might actually be fun. Happy shopping! VG

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HOLIDAY GUIDE 2012

Stay warm in Portland this winter MARY BREADEN PHOTO BY Corinna Scott The holidays help brighten the gloom of the next few months, but when you’ve exchanged all your gifts or spent the gift-card money (admittedly, a cynical take on giftgiving), you’ll want to ﬁnd a place to warm you, body and soul. The following is a list of Eastside Portland eateries and bars where you can stay warm on the outside while ﬁlling your belly.

PRODUCE ROW CAFE 204 SE Oak St. producerowcafe.com

Just over the river, Produce Row is a cozy, well-loved establishment both inside and out. The spacious, heated back patio also provides “golden era” hip-hop dance parties and movie nights.

EASTBURN

1800 E Burnside St. theeastburn.com/play/patio Maybe you remember the ﬁrst time you went to EastBurn and wandered out to the back patio while looking for the bathroom. What you found instead was a playground for adults: swings hanging from the ceiling (instead of boring chairs), twinkly lights brightening the corners of the enclosure and actual ﬁres in the middle of tables. How could you not meet your BFF in such a congenial environment?

CIRCA 33

AMNESIA BREWING

The covered, heated patio area of Circa 33 is really just the alleyway between two buildings, improved with lights and ﬂower pots. You may have thought you’d embarked on a caﬀeine-induced delirium after stumbling out of Stumptown Annex two doors down, but since the hipsters are feeling friendly during happy hour here, you might as well squeeze in and order a round.

Amnesia serves up some of the best beer in town while oﬀering the drinker a warm and dry front-row seat to whatever Mississippi brouhaha might be stirring. While the brewers at Amnesia tend to christen their beers with rather ominous names—Mother Pucker, Dry Hop Desolation, Damnesia— and the staﬀ is less than eager to converse, the loafers outside are a bunch of softies. So relax, order a brew and stay a while.

3348 SE 34th Ave. circa33bar.com/2012/03/alleyway

TIN SHED GARDEN CAFE 1436 NE Alberta St. tinshedgardencafe.com

The Tin Shed is a crowd- (and dog-) pleaser, and a great place to take an out-of-town guest, parents or picky eaters. Best of all, this “garden cafe” has a ﬁreplace and heaters for its outside seating area, and the staﬀ will do their utmost to make you comfortable. But don’t sleep in before brunch on the weekends unless you want to wait an hour for a table.

832 N Beech St. amnesiabrews.com

THE BYE AND BYE 1011 NE Alberta St. thebyeandbye.com

Alberta Street surely loves its heated patios, and the hipsters love them too, but the Bye and Bye’s multitude of adorable alcoholic concoctions (served in Mason jars) and the back patio’s friendly crowd of smokers make this bar a good place to strike up a “have you read” conversation with someone.

¿POR QUE NO?

LOMPOC BREWING

¿Por Que No?’s colorfully decorated and partially heated patio, fast and friendly service, and ethic of supporting local food vendors make this restaurant an excellent candidate for your dose of serotonin during the cold and clammy months.

Lompoc Brewing provides reliable microbrews and bar food to pub lovers in several Portland neighborhoods: Sellwood, North Portland and Division Street (its sweet Nob Hill location is closed until summer 2013). With its “Tightwad Tuesday” specials ($2.50 for a pint) and heated patio (at certain

locations on Mississippi Avenue and Hawthorne Boulevard porquenotacos.com

several locations throughout Portland lompocbrewing.com

Best hot chocolate in PDX Many of my favorite winter memories center around hot cocoa. My family’s traditional outing to the Eugene Christmas parade always meant a steaming mug of hot chocolate for my brother and me. Childhood sentiment aside, where can you get a good cup of cocoa in coffeeloving Portland? Sure, there’s the usual Starbucks and Peet’s, where you can get an all-right cup of hot chocolate, but it’s nothing special, y’know? If you’re looking for some quality cocoa, treat yourself to something a little bit off the beaten path.

MOONSTRUCK CAFE 608 SW Alder St. and 526 NW 23rd Ave.

First, there’s Moonstruck Cafe. There are locations in both Northwest and Southwest Portland, so it’s a pretty accessible spot. This cafe specializes in all things chocolate, so it’s no surprise that its hot cocoa is known to be great. Go for the Milk Mayan Cocoa, a tasty blend of milk chocolate, cinnamon, almond and vanilla. While you can substitute soy for the milk, that doesn’t go for truffles and other treats, so vegans and those with lactose allergies should keep that in mind. Most drinks are priced under $5, but truffles, etc. might break the bank a little bit.

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SIP

3029 SE 21st Ave. and 2210 NE Alberta St. For those vegans out there: fear not! You can still get your holiday drink ﬁx. There is this great little place called Sip that specializes in strictly vegan drinks. Rather than using dairy milk, or even soy, Sip uses almond milk, which generally gives beverages a creamier texture, as well as a nutty ﬂavor. The cocoa is even made with melted dark chocolate chips…be still my vegan heart. Also served is what’s called Fire Cocoa, which is the same as the house cocoa but with cayenne mixed in. Plus, both locations are food-cart-style, and based out of cute little old-fashioned campers. Prices are $2.75 for 12 ounces, $3.50 for 16 ounces. Keep in mind that the Alberta location is right across the street from the all-

BAR BAR

3939 N Mississippi Ave. mississippistudios.com/menu Bar Bar has ﬁres, at least in the winter months. Dogs, too. And if you can’t aﬀord to see whichever band is currently gracing the stage at Mississippi Studios, you can casually linger at the bar and eavesdrop on the music while ordering your drink. You should try to buy a ticket and get your chilly ass inside, though, because this venue has the best sound in Portland. VG

PARK AVENUE CAFE 1535 SW Park Ave.

414 SW 13th Ave. and 712 SW Salmon St. For something a bit more adventurous, try the cayenne pepper hot chocolate at Cacao. Located in Southwest Portland, Cacao carries various cocoas from around the world, available in both candy and beverage form. The great thing about this locally owned cafe/chocolate shop is that nearly everything can be sampled prior to purchase. It even offers a “hot chocolate shot” sampler that lets you try three different flavors. The cocoas don’t come with whipped cream, but once you taste the drinks you’ll see why—whipped cream is completely unnecessary. If you’re on a budget, however, you might want to make this place an “every-so-often” destination. It’s a bit pricey, but definitely worth it if you want to treat yourself.

locations), a college student would be remiss to not snuggle in and save a buck at Lompoc’s happy hour.

Lips Pizza. The cafe serves a variety of drinks, including hot cocoa. It might not be the rarest form of cocoa, but it’s a quick ﬁx when those wintertime cravings kick in.

CACAO

EMILY LAKEHOMER PHOTO BY Miles Sanguinetti

SWING AWAY at EastBurn, where the patio’s warm.

CHOCOLATEY GOODNESS! Warm your belly with a cup of hot coca at Sip. vegan Back to Eden Bakery, which serves vegan soft-serve along with many other goodies.

CHIT CHAT CAFE 1907 SW 6th Ave.

Last but certainly not least, we have to remember the places that are close to home, and by home I mean campus. There’s Chit-Chat, a cozy little cafe nestled right next to Hot

Another nice spot is Park Avenue Cafe. During school hours it can get pretty noisy and crowded, but your drink will always be fresh. The baristas are friendly, plus the menu is up-to-date with holiday oﬀerings. You can get hot cocoa there, but like Chit-Chat, it isn’t the number one speciality. However, it does the job just ﬁne. There you have it. No matter where you are in Portland, quality hot cocoa is within your reach! Now go get some and enjoy the holiday goodness. VG

HOLIDAY GUIDE 2012

Caroling to the MAX SPREADING HOLIDAY CHEER BY SINGING ON PUBLIC TRANSIT MAYA SEAMAN It all started with a group of dejected fans after a loss by the Portland Trail Blazers. In the winter of 2005, former Portland State student Jenny Wright boarded the westbound MAX after a night class. The Blazers had just lost a game, and she found herself surrounded by sullen fans. Feeling uncomfortable and a bit sullen herself, she started to quietly whistle “Jingle Bells.” Without warning, a nearby passenger joined in. Emboldened, she began singing the lyrics while the other passenger whistled. Soon, more passengers joined in, until the whole car was belting out “Jingle Bells.” After that they sang “Rudolph the Red-Nosed Reindeer.” When she exited the train at Goose Hollow, everyone was still singing, reveling in the holiday spirit, the Blazers’ loss and their disappointment forgotten. After recounting the tale to her friends, they came up with an idea to intentionally carol on the MAX line in the now-extinct Free Rail Zone. The next year, armed with seven friends and 12 Christmas carols, Wright and co-organizer Tyler Creelan started the MAX caroling craze. That was in 2008, Creelan said. “A half-crazed rock singer fell in with

To plan your own caroling excursion, Creelan oﬀers the following advice: “For starters, the goal is to get the whole train caroling. Some of us sound really beautiful singing ‘O Holy Night,’ but it’s not something Joe TriMet can accompany on.” Using carols that everyone will know and that are easy to sing will help guarantee a larger chorus of carolers. Bringing printed lyrics will help people who know the tune but not the words to feel included.

Public transit caroling is a fun, creative way to celebrate the season with friends and strangers alike.

“THE BEST WAY to spread Christmas cheer is singing loud for all to hear.”—Buddy the Elf us and followed us in our journey, spreading the caroling virus from car to car. At one point someone requested ‘Joy to the World,’ and he began belting out the Three Dog Night version…Another passenger thumped his cane on the ground, providing the bass beat,” he said. “The whole MAX was rocking out.” Now a common holiday occurrence that has spread beyond Creelan’s original MAX

group to unrelated groups of carolers on the Portland Streetcar, public transit caroling is a fun, creative way to celebrate the season with friends and strangers alike. “One year we sang until we lost our voices,” said Liz Ruckh, one of Creelan’s carolers. The captive audience found ways to praise their eﬀorts. “Someone posted on Craigslist to thank us for singing,” Ruckh said.

Targeting trains that will be at full capacity—like after a Blazers game—will increase the chances of a rowdy crowd joining in. Dressing up in Santa hats, Christmas colors or ugly Christmas sweaters will ease train riders’ fears about looking or feeling stupid singing along with you. You are there to spread holiday cheer, not judge American Idol. Creelan’s last piece of advice concerns singing the childhood favorite “The 12 Days of Christmas.” “We only do it once for the whole night,” he said. “For our own sanity!” VG

White elephant A HOLIDAY TRADITION OF GIVE AND TAKE

ROSEMARY HANSON PHOTO BY Riza Liu The term “white elephant” originates from tales of ancient kings in Thailand who were in the habit of giving away the rare animals as presents to those who had become a nuisance to them. The idea was that the gift would be more trouble than it was worth to the recipient, since the cost of its upkeep and maintenance would drastically outweigh the seeming generosity of the gesture.

HOLIDAY BLUFF: The art of deception is key to mastering the white elephant exchange. During the holidays, it has come to refer to a game in which the goal is to swap and steal a series of presents in order to avoid being left with the least desirable one—the white elephant. Kyle Hanson, a student at Michigan Technological University, said that his family’s white elephant is a large ceramic dog in a shoe, which has made at least ﬁve unwelcome appearances over the years—and its owners get a little more creative each time in their attempts to disguise the dreaded, un-tradeable gift. Misshapen or disproportional boxes and well-honed poker faces are the keys to success in this game. Undergraduate student Kinley Lally said that her white elephant growing up was a dusty, dingy plaid coat that never failed to show up during Christmas time. “[Once] when we were young…the present my brother picked was the ugly coat,” Lally said. “He looked so disappointed and sad because he knew no one would steal [it]. On my turn, I stole the ugly coat from my brother. The look on his face made it so worthwhile. He was so excited to be part of

the game again and [get a chance] to steal something he really wanted.” After her sacrifice that Christmas, Lally made sure to continue the tradition, rewrapping the gift for the next year’s unlucky winner. In a season that has come to be defined by rampant, unchecked consumerism, the white elephant exchange is a way to put all that aside for a while and enjoy the experience of gift-giving with those you love. It’s an opportunity to make the holidays a little less about acquisition and a little more about interaction, to remind ourselves why we’re getting together in the first place. So whether your contribution to the festivities is an old plaid coat, a ceramic dog in an oversized shoe or some other unwanted treasure from the far corner of your garage, give the white elephant game a try at your next holiday gathering. You may be disappointed with the gift you take home, but you won’t regret the time you spent with the people in your life who matter most. VG

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HOLIDAY GUIDE 2012

Do donation right IGNORE THE RED-APRONED RINGERS THIS YEAR AND SHOW LOCAL SUPPORT STEPHANIE FUDGE-BERNARD PHOTO BY Corinna Scott

TECHNOLOGY AND GADGETS

It’s always tempting to drop a dollar or two into one of the Salvation Army’s red kettles. Frequently located right outside your holiday shopping spots, the easy access provides an instant sensation of altruism that’s hard to beat. With just a little extra effort, though, you can donate to a charity that benefits those in need more effectively and doesn’t discriminate against homosexuality. The Salvation Army is an evangelical Christian charity with a history of homophobia, and in June their Australia-based media relations director, Major Andrew Craibe, said the charity aligns with antigay scripture. Statements of apology were issued, but gay rights activists and members of the lesbian, gay, bisexual, transgender and queer community continue to promote boycotting the organization. On top of this, only about 84 percent of U.S. donations go toward program expenses. If you donated $100, about $16 of it would go toward administrative and advertising costs. An easy alternative to ensure that your donation is used the way you intended is by giving nonmonetary contributions. Instead of donating to the Salvation Army this year, here are a few local options for giving:

If you have obsolete technology or nonfunctioning gadgets such as old cell phones, game consoles or printers, Free Geek is an impressive nonprofit to donate to. It offers classes to help build technological skills in the community, sells inexpensive hardware and recycles parts it can’t reuse. Donations can be taken to Free Geek’s offices at 1731 SE 10th Ave.

TOYS

Though it sounds a bit macabre, donating blood during the holidays is a great way to help save a life. According to the American Red Cross website, blood donations often decline during the holidays. You can make a diﬀerence by stopping into the North Portland location at 3131 N Vancouver Ave.

A fun way to impact a life during the holidays is to donate to KGW’s Great Toy Drive. Searching through all the Legos and action ﬁgures and stumbling upon the 2012 Furby means bringing joy to a child and getting into the excitement of the season. Toys can be dropped oﬀ at your local Wells Fargo, including the branch on campus at Southwest Fifth Avenue and Hall Street.

FOOD The Oregon Food Bank has paired up with Pioneer Courthouse Square this year for the annual Tree Lighting Ceremony on Nov. 23 and the Tuba Christmas Concert on Dec. 8. Join in on the festivities and help feed those in need by dropping oﬀ some nonperishable food.

CLOTHING An oldie but a goodie, Goodwill provides employment and job training to people who often can’t find work elsewhere, and it sells your donated clothing at low, not-forprofit prices. The best part is that it doesn’t cost you any additional money, and there’s a drop-off location at 1943 SE Sixth Ave.

BLOOD SPREAD THE GOODWILL by donating your used clothing to your local Goodwill dropoff location.

Give the gift of time GET INVOLVED THIS HOLIDAY SEASON BY VOLUNTEERING FOR THOSE IN NEED CRYSTAL GARDNER PHOTOS BY Corinna Scott For many in our community, the holidays are not a festive time of year but a period of deep anxiety and distress. Thankfully, there are many resources for those people in need of a little help this season. But with the higher demand during these frigid winter months, many of the organizations that provide essential services to the disadvantaged become overwhelmed. These organizations rely on the time and eﬀort of volunteers and can always use an extra helping hand.

PORTLAND RESCUE MISSION The Portland Rescue Mission was founded in 1949 to combat the problem of homelessness in the metropolitan area. Still operating out of its original headquarters, the organization provides meals and shelter.

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LOCATIONS BURNSIDE SHELTER 111 W Burnside St. 503-906-7690

OPENINGS AVAILABLE: If these slackers are any indication, Meals on Wheels could use some hard-working volunteers.

SHEPHERD’S DOOR

MEALS ON WHEELS

NEXT STEP

The Meals on Wheels organization and its Loaves and Fishes centers provide hot meals and food services to seniors in the community. They are currently looking for volunteers to participate in Donate Dinner, a fundraising event to raise money to support the program and continue feeding our fellow citizens.

13207 NE Halsey St. 503-906-7650

10336 NE Wygant St. 503-906-7694

CAR SALES AND DONATIONS 8301 NE Halsey St. 503-906-7673

WAREHOUSE 1505 NE 92nd Ave. 503-906-7641

7710 SW 31st Ave. 503-736-6325 mealsonwheelspeople.org

OREGON VOLUNTEERS! Founded as a continuation of the spirit of the National and Community Service Trust Act of 1993, Oregon Volunteers! promotes

DOIN’ WORK: That’s more like it.

increased civic responsibility in our state. The nonprofit offers a wide range of services and can match you with a volunteer opportunity that best fits your skills. 633 SW Montgomery St., Suite 210 888-353-4483 or 503-725-5903 oregonvolunteers.org Other organizations that can link you with a volunteer position: VOLUNTEERMATCH: volunteermatch.org KGW: kgw.com/on-tv/Volunteer-

Opportunities-91116569.html

HANDS ON GREATER PORTLAND:

handsonportland.org

HOLIDAY GUIDE 2012

PORTLAND STATE VANGUARD 9

HOLIDAY GUIDE 2012

MEREDITH MEIER PHOTOS BY Riza Liu

THROWING A HOLIDAY PARTY ON A COLLEGESTUDENT BUDGET

Fall term is almost over and the Black Friday bell has rung, marking the beginning of the Christmas holiday season and shot nerves, broken banks, a glut of generosity and overwhelming gift-giving decisions. What’s left to do but to take the edge off the holiday craziness by throwing a small party? With that in mind, I made it my mission to plan a 10-person-or-less holiday party—decorations, invitations, menu and drinks—using as little money as possible. We’re college students, for crying out loud, not Fortune 500 candidates with money to burn and perfectly styled houses easily adapted to any occasion, be it a Christmas party or an outdoor wedding. I thought it’d be less Nancy Drew mystery and more Mission: Impossible, involving high-speed chases, explosions, villainous store clerks and a well-stocked toolbox of crafty weapons, but it turned out to be more choose-your-own-adventure than anything else. Despite my disappointment at the lack of high-speed chases and explosions, I’m satisfied that my quest for low-cost holiday-party greatness was pretty damn easy. Bonus: On my various trips, I saw a 4-maybe-5-year-old crawling up and down a bus aisle pretending to be a cat; met a very nice, seasoned Santa Claus, who’d been doing the gig at various department stores for 20-plus years (and offered to grant me a wish, which I politely declined); and watched two strung-out ladies at the craft store squabble over the remaining two identical ornaments of a set. I discovered that you don’t have to be an interior designer or a Martha Stewart protege to throw a kick-ass holiday party— all you’ve got to be is imaginative and resourceful (emphasis on resourceful).

STEP 1: ANALYZE YOUR SPACE

Deckin’ the halls with bells and ribbons

“You don’t have to be an interior designer or a Martha Stewart protege to throw a kick-ass holiday party.”

GET RESOURCEFUL this holiday season with handmade decorations.

10 PORTLAND STATE VANGUARD

Because most of us don’t live in McMansions and likely have less than 800 square feet to work with, the first thing you need to ask yourself is: How many people can I fit in here? Despite the long-reigning status quo that says the more the merrier, squeezing 40 people into an 800-square-foot apartment (more like 650, when you take out the bedrooms) is a really fucking bad idea. Trust me—I have a very vivid memory of such a party, one that culminated in handscrubbing chocolate ganache and crusted cake frosting from worn hardwood floors, stepping on no less than 50 bottle caps and picking empty bottles and plastic cups from dense rose bushes. Be realistic. Keep it small, but make it just big enough to revel in the revelry. Plus, after you’ve cemented your guest list, figuring out the food and drink options is that much easier.

STEP 2: MAKE INVITATIONS I’m a long-standing, card-carrying member of the do-it-yourself guild, so buying prepackaged invitations is an automatic no-go. Save your money. You can get the word out in one of two (or both) ways: Make your own invitations and then either mail them out or send by email. I opted to mail them out because, hell, I’m oldfashioned and I like sending—and receiving—mail that matters. Put a smile on your friends’ faces and give them something better to read than junk mail ﬂyers advertising ﬂeece-sock booties and commemorative, limited-edition ceramic replicas of Princess Catherine or Precious Moments Elvis.

HOLIDAY GUIDE 2012 What you need for handmade invitations: A few sheets of heavy cardstock in white or one other color; glue stick; ruler; scissors (or paper-cutter, if you’re super fancy); and clip art, which you’ll find on the Internet—just search for non-copyrighted images/illustrations/photos, etc. Wikipedia’s public domain images resources page lists a ton of sites that have free images. Or take a trip to Powell’s Books and search through the Art/Clip Art section, where you’ll find dozens of cheap books with easy-to-copy images. Cut the cardstock into postcard-sized sheets (4.25 by 6 inches). Make copies of your chosen illustrations/photos/images, etc. If you want, you can even take some time and add a bit of color to a black-andwhite image using crayons, pencils or markers. Gently affix to one side and reverse. Split the blank side into two columns—one will be used for the address, and the other for the invitation text. Add a postcard stamp (32 cents) and voila! Invites done.

STEP 3: PLAN FOOD AND DRINKS This step’s cake. You’ve got one option for a limited-budget party: potluck and BYOB. You can still plan the menu, though. For easy clean-up, tell your guests to bring a finger food dish and their own fabric napkin—this way you don’t have to worry about utensils, plus, everyone’ll stay on top of their napkins ’cuz they brought them—and pick up a package of small paper plates from the store. Don’t waste your money on the frilly shit, though; good ol’ standard paper plates will work just fine. The trick is to get your guests to graze instead of sitting down with a mountain of cold pasta salad they just nibble at anyway and then leave half-finished in your peace lily planter. While bring-your-own-booze parties are sometimes lame, you can spice yours up a

bit by limiting the selection to one or two drinks. Pick a beer and a cocktail and have your guests bring a six-pack or one of the cocktail ingredients. Punches with lots of liquors are highly recommended.

STEP 4: DECKIN’ YOUR PLACE IN HOLIDAY STYLE This is the fun part. The rest is kiddie shit compared to the kinds of stuﬀ you can do to make your home feel festive without A) going overboard, and B) spending next month’s grocery money. Remember step one? When you took a long look at your space, what’d you see, and what kinds of things can you capitalize on? For example, I’ve got lots of plants and bookshelves, plus low-ish ceilings. I don’t have room for a tree, which is ﬁne, because cutting down trees for a one-month spectacle is ridiculous (not to mention spendy—expect to pay $25– 30 for a cut tree). What I did instead? Draped ribbon on the plants. Subtle, festive and does the trick. Depending on your particular foliage, you could even go so far as to hang a few ornaments. Stringing Christmas lights around a room is a pretty standard gimmick for the just-left-home-and-starving youth, but if you want to kick it up a notch, opt for a little tea-light magic. You can either scatter them across various surfaces or, if you want to fancy it up a little, put the lights in glass holders. Between now and your party, save any and all glass jars you acquire. Tell your friends you want theirs. Go to Goodwill and pick up a few random pieces for a few bucks or, better yet, use your own glassware. Candle wax is easy to remove, and it saves your glassware from the drunken reveler who thinks she can handle drinking from a “real” glass and not those red plastic cups you bought for the occasion (which you

should definitely buy), but inevitably drops it on the floor, where it shatters into almost invisible fragments. Don’t waste your money on decorations or lights at big-box stores. Go to the dollar store and local thrift stores, where you can find all kinds of cool shit you can use for decor. I bought three packages of 12 ornaments, tissue paper (not the noseblowing kind) and flaked coconut (for snow—duh) at the dollar store, two runof-the-mill vases for use as centerpieces at a thrift store and an assortment of ribbons at a fabric store. Grand total: $10. I used clear filament wire to hang the ornaments and fashioned hanging pompom snowflakes from the tissue paper. Another trick of the DIY trade: Don’t buy clear filament wire at craft stores or home improvement stores. Get out to a sporting goods store (I went to Big 5 Sporting Goods) and pick up a reel of basic monofilament fishing line. I got something like 500 yards for $2.50. It’s perfect

for hanging lightweight stuff from walls and ceilings. Last but not least, take advantage of your neighborhood’s natural offerings. You can put together some really festive pieces using low-lying branches, pine tree clippings, berried twigs and harvested herbs. Fresh rosemary, for example, gives off a nice, woodsy scent. My table centerpiece is made of twigs, berried branches, coconut flakes and dangling ornaments (you could also use dangling earrings as pseudo-ornaments). I also clipped a bagful of Douglas fir branches, shoved them in a vase and hung two ornaments to create the illusion of a Christmas tree. The moral of this holiday story is: Spend a little more time in the planning, save a good chunk of change, plan a collaborative menu and you’ve got the recipe for a kick-ass party. VG

GET FESTIVE with artful arrangements made from found natural materials and dangling earrings (below), tea lights in glass hoders (bottom right) or pinecones in baskets (bottom left).

PORTLAND STATE VANGUARD 11

HOLIDAY GUIDE 2012

Boozy holiday cheer for $30 WHITNEY BEYER PHOTOS BY Hannah Dawson

PEPPERMINT HOT CHOCOLATE

HOW TO HOST A FESTIVE COCKTAIL PARTY For many students, $30 has a lot of potential. An extra $30 could mean eating real vegetables or represent three happy-hour outings. In extreme cases, the entire fate of a friendship could rest upon an unpaid $30 debt. That $30, so seemingly insignificant, could be put toward the power bill or maybe even a new pair of boots. Because, you know, it’s cold, and your old boots are out of season. Whatever meaning $30 takes on tends to become even more meaningful during the holidays. Gifts, parties, holiday joy—sure, it’s great, but doesn’t it all get a little expensive? I’m fairly certain we’ve all entertained a similar vision of our future selves at one point or another—a future in which $30 is pocket change that can be set on top of a dresser and easily forgotten about. When it comes to future holidays, personally I like to imagine myself in a chic, business-casual turtleneck sweater—the kind that says, “I’m classy and modest, but unlike many of my turtleneck brethren, I like to stay out past midnight sometimes.” In this future holiday scenario, my chic turtleneck and I are parked on elegant, overstuffed furniture by the fireplace, chatting with other modestly chic 30-somethings over a fine holiday cocktail. The cocktail in question would be something I mixed from my own well-stocked bar—a bar proudly boasting a variety of (at least) 30 bottles of liquor; a bar severely lacking in Hood River Distillers and Burnett’s, hallmarks of my college drinking career. Alas, until that future arrives, me and my unchic, un-turtlenecked self will continue to do what college students do best: get creative and have a jolly time on a not-so-jolly budget. This holiday season, take that $30—that precious $30—and throw a holiday soiree. Tack up some mistletoe, perhaps a string or two of lights. Trick your friends into thinking the festive holiday refreshments they’re sipping on cost more than three rolls of quarters. Give them a taste of their chic, future selves. The latter may seem like a daunting task to accomplish with a measly $30, but with one $13 bottle of Pinnacle Whipped Vodka and an assortment of cheap, random items that total no more than $17, you’ll be churning out holiday cheer like Santa’s little elves. To save you the bother of tending bar trialand-error-style from home, I, with a little help (OK, a lot of help) from my friends, have compiled a list of four cocktails that will make your holiday season good and bright. I’m going to come clean right now and let you know that, yes, one of my accomplices is a bartender. But before you roll your eyes and start thinking, “Great, just another compilation of cocktail recipes that assumes I’m going to have five different kinds of liquor in my cabinet for a ‘splash of this’ and a ‘half ounce of that,’” understand we went bare-bones on this one, choosing one liquor that is versatile and tasty. With literally nothing but $30 and my identification card in tow, we set out for ingredients. After finding that the alcohol itself accounted for almost half the allotted budget, it became clear that we would have to be quite selective in our shopping.

12 PORTLAND STATE VANGUARD

1 oz Pinnacle Whipped Vodka 1 packet hot cocoa mix 2 crushed candy canes 3 marshmallows 1 oz maple syrup Peppermint schnapps in hot chocolate is so last season—and every other season before it. For this simple holiday delight that steps outside the box, grab a mug, line the rim with maple syrup and dip into crushed candy cane. Add 7 ounces of boiling water to 1 packet of hot cocoa mix and stir in 1 ounce of vodka. Plop 3 marshmallows on top and you’re already halfway to fancy. Kinda.

PUMPKIN SPICE MARTINI (SERVES 4) 5 oz Pinnacle Whipped Vodka 1 3.6-oz cup of vanilla ice cream 6 oz pumpkin spice eggnog Many of us have kitchens lacking in martini shakers, but that doesn’t mean all your martinis have to be stirred. My creative bartender friend didn’t even ﬂinch as she reached for a large mason jar to use as a shaker—and the end result was downright delicious. After melting the ice cream on the stovetop or in a microwave, pour all the ingredients into the jar (or makeshift shaker of your choosing), add ice and shake, shake, shake. Strain the liquid into a glass and sprinkle a little cinnamon on top if you have some.

WHIPPED APPLE CIDER 1 oz Pinnacle Whipped Vodka 2 packets apple cider mix 1 oz maple syrup I’m sure most of us have tried putting alcohol into hot cider at one point or another—sometimes successfully, other times not so much. Take my word on this one: Pinnacle Whipped Vodka in hot apple cider is the future. Grab a mug, line the rim with maple syrup (you’ve no idea the awesomeness this lends to the drink) and dip it in one packet of cider mix that has been dumped on a plate. Add 7 ounces of boiling water to the other packet of cider mix inside the mug and stir in 1 ounce of vodka.

COMMUNAL COFFEE BUCKET (SERVES 4) FROM TOP: Peppermint hot chocolate; pumpkin spice martini; whipped apple cider; communal coffee bucket. With $17 to spare, the Christmas candy display seemed like a solid place to start. Bah humbug! All we got out of that was a box of miniature candy canes. After perusing the store in search of obvious essentials—hot cocoa powder, apple cider mix, etc.—this is the $17 shopping list we came up with: Hot cocoa mix Apple cider mix Miniature peppermint candy canes Pumpkin spice eggnog 2 3.6-oz cups of vanilla ice cream 1 3.6-oz cup of coﬀee ice cream Maple syrup 1 lemon Marshmallows The cool thing about this list is that, between a small group, some of you are bound to have a few of these items, making your trip to the store even cheaper! Satisﬁed with the plethora of ingredients— or opportunity, if you will—we headed back to my apartment for a warm winter meal and

the “Holiday” station on Pandora, laughing merrily as we mixed our cocktails in ﬁne shakers. Wait, that’s not right. Forgive me, I’m still in “future holiday” mode. What we actually did was head back to my apartment, crank the heater and huddle next to it for a few minutes before throwing some dank homemade nachos in the oven, womping to the Pretty Lights discography as we worked. By the end of the night, my kitchen looked like a frat house after a winning home game. Okay, maybe a little dramatic, but there were a lot of nacho remnants and unidentiﬁable liquids amid the array of stacked and scattered dishes. What I’m trying to say is: We had fun. We had fun holiday shenanigans for $30. And now, I’m going to share my secrets with you, so that you, too, may go forth and prosper this holiday season without having to call your parents for grocery money.

5 oz Pinnacle Whipped Vodka 1 3.6-oz cup of vanilla ice cream 1 3.6-oz cup of coffee ice cream 1 packet hot cocoa mix This concoction was by far the most popular of the night. It’s also most likely the cocktail with the greatest hangover repercussions, because as you can see, that’s a lot of sugar. Pay no mind to hangovers to come, however, for communal coﬀee buckets bring people together, and that’s what the holidays are all about (as is recovering from hangovers). Melt both cups of ice cream on the stovetop or in a microwave and add them to a big mason jar with 1 packet of hot cocoa mix, 5 ounces of vodka, 4 ounces of water and ice. Shake it all up and stick four straws in the jar. After all, isn’t the season all about sharing and caring? VG

Naughty Santa

HOLIDAY GUIDE 2012

PERFECTLY PAIRED HOLIDAY COCKTAILS AND COOKIES KAT AUDICK PHOTO BY Karl Kuchs If you want to be on the “nice list,” it’s a good idea to leave Santa his favorite snack of milk and cookies on Christmas Eve. If you’d rather join the cool kids on the naughty side— where they serve booze—try these delectable pairings of adult holiday beverages and delicious cookies.

CANDY CANE CRUSH AND CHOCOLATE SNOWBALL COOKIES CANDY CANE CRUSH 1 tbsp crushed candy canes 1 1/2 oz mint-flavored vodka 1/2 oz brandy

Pinch of salt Sprinkle of ground nutmeg Lemon curls, for garnish Shake all ingredients in a shaker with ice and pour into a lowball glass. Garnish with a lemon curl and a sprinkle of ground nutmeg.

SNICKERDOODLES

1/2 oz half-and-half

2 3/4 cups flour

Ice

1 tsp baking soda

1 mini candy cane

1/2 tsp kosher salt

Mint sprig, for garnish

1/2 cup shortening

Crush candy cane bits in a plastic bowl until they’re thoroughly broken up, but not powdered. Combine cane bits, mint vodka, brandy, half-and-half and ice in a shaker and shake slightly until mixed. Strain into an old-fashioned glass ﬁlled with ice and garnish with candy cane and mint sprig.

1/2 cup unsalted butter, softened

SNOWBALL COOKIES 1 8-oz brick cream cheese, room temperature 1/2 cup unsalted butter, room temperature 1 egg 1 tsp vanilla extract 1 18-oz box moist chocolate cake mix 1 cup confectioners’ sugar Preheat oven to 350 degrees. In a large bowl, cream together softened cream cheese and butter on the low setting of an electric mixer. Then mix in egg, followed by vanilla extract. Beat cake mix in until just combined, then cover and refrigerate for 1 hour to ﬁrm up batter. Roll chilled batter into tablespoon-sized balls, then roll in confectioners’ sugar. Place balls on ungreased baking sheet and bake for 12 minutes. Cookies should be soft and gooey; let cool and dust with more confectioners’ sugar to taste.

PEAR BEAR AND SNICKERDOODLES PEAR BEAR 1 1/2 oz spiced rum 3 1/2 oz pear nectar 1 tsp fresh lemon juice

1 1/2 cups sugar, plus 3 tbsp 2 large eggs 1 tbsp ground cinnamon Preheat oven to 350 degrees. Mix flour, baking soda and salt in a bowl. Beat shortening and butter together with an electric mixer, then beat in sugar until fluffy. Add eggs one at a time, allowing to mix after each addition. Add flour mix and beat until smooth. Mix 3 tablespoons sugar with cinnamon in a bowl. Roll dough into golf ball-sized balls and roll in cinnamon sugar. Press into discs on ungreased cookie sheet and bake for 12 minutes or until very light golden brown.

3/4 cup butter 1/2 cup white sugar 1/2 cup packed brown sugar

Place all ingredients in a shaker with ice and shake. Strain into a martini glass and garnish with a cinnamon stick.

1 large egg

BACON MAPLE COOKIES

1 tsp vanilla extract

6 thick-cut slices bacon

1 tsp peppermint extract 1/4 cup unsweetened cocoa powder 1 tsp baking soda 1/4 tsp salt

1 cup unsalted butter, softened 1 cup packed brown sugar 1 egg 1 cup maple syrup

1 cup semisweet chocolate chips

1 tsp vanilla extract

Preheat oven to 350 degrees. In a large bowl, cream butter and both sugars until fluffy. Beat in egg, then stir in vanilla and peppermint. Combine flour, cocoa, baking soda and salt, then slowly mix into bowl of wet ingredients. Mix in chocolate chips, then drop tablespoonfuls onto cookie sheets and bake 12–15 minutes.

2 tsp baking soda

CINNAMON SNOWFLAKE AND BACON MAPLE COOKIES CINNAMON SNOWFLAKE 2 shots Irish cream liqueur 1 shot brandy 1/2 shot cinnamon schnapps 1 tsp maple syrup

1/2 tsp salt 4 cups flour 1/2 cup granulated sugar Preheat oven to 350 degrees. Cook bacon, turning frequently, in a large pan over medium heat for approximately 10 minutes, until crispy. Drain on a paper towel and set aside. In a large bowl, cream together butter and sugar. Add egg, syrup and vanilla and blend until combined. Combine baking soda, salt and ﬂour and then slowly beat into creamed mixture. Roll into small balls and roll in granulated sugar, then press into small discs on baking sheet. Bake 4 minutes, and then press 1-inch squared pieces of bacon into the top of each cookie and bake an additional 4–6 minutes. Total bake time should be 8–10 minutes. VG

Ice Cinnamon stick, for garnish

THE YETI AND MINTY MUNCH COOKIES THE YETI 1 cup white chocolate chips 1 cup heavy cream 4 cups milk 1 tsp vanilla extract 1 cup spiced rum Whipped topping, for garnish Sprinkle of brown sugar, for garnish Heat white chocolate with heavy cream in a saucepan over medium heat, stirring constantly until melted. Stir in milk and vanilla and heat until warm. Pour 2-ounce shots of rum into mugs and ﬁll with white chocolate mixture. Garnish with whipped cream and a sprinkle of brown sugar.

MINTY MUNCH COOKIES 1 1/2 cups flour

PORTLAND STATE VANGUARD 13

HOLIDAY GUIDE 2012

What kids don’t We wish you a smelly Christmas want from Santa HOW ODOR ACTIVATES MEMORIES AND HOLIDAY SPIRIT

MAYA SEAMAN

MY FIRST CLEANING TROLLEY: A tacky, sexist piece of shit that should never, under any circumstances, be sitting under a Christmas tree (unless your kid aspires to be a maid—then it’s fine).

A HANDY GUIDE TO WHAT NOT TO BUY KIDS FOR CHRISTMAS SHANNA CRANSTON PHOTO COURTESY OF amazon.com For those of you who need to buy gifts for nieces, nephews, signiﬁcantly younger siblings or the children of friends, the holidays can be a very difficult time for shopping. Even parents can be at a loss. Every child is different, but there are certain toys that no child wants—period. Take our word for it. Here’s some help for steering clear of this year’s least popular kids’ gifts.

TOYS IN GENERAL Amazon.com price: varies

Sorry Toys R Us shareholders: Electronics are the new teddy bears. Kids are now asking for iPads and smartphones instead of Barbies and Disney play sets, and the grandparents can’t ﬁgure out why. Heck, they can even get Barbie and Disney games for their iPads and smartphones.

MY FIRST CLEANING TROLLEY Amazon.com price: $39.99

Giving this to your kid makes it obvious that you have no hopes for your child to become anything more than a housewife or husband. Not only does the set come with a plastic vacuum and mop, but a matching plunger is also included. For girls who think this toy isn’t sexist enough, there’s a “Girls Only” version in pink.

PRO THUMB WRESTLING ARENA Amazon.com price: $7.99

Even though this toy is useless (it will probably only get used once, if ever), people are actually buying it. Thumb wrestling isn’t that much fun to begin with, so why make your kid look seven times dorkier doing it?

THE BREAST MILK BABY (BEBE GLOTON) Amazon.com price: $89.99

14 PORTLAND STATE VANGUARD

The slogan of this doll is “Because you shouldn’t have to wait until you have breasts before you start breastfeeding your baby.” Last time I checked, the children in the targeted age group (24 months) don’t usually know where babies come from to begin with—let alone why babies drink milk from somewhere other than a bottle.

SOCKS AND UNDERWEAR

Amazon.com price: varies Unless you have attached some sum of money to these garments, the kids unwrapping these gifts are going to ﬁrst give you a very disappointed look and then put you on their hit list. Also, don’t trust kids who keep hit lists.

ANYTHING WOMAN’S DAY RECOMMENDS Amazon.com price: varies

This is not surprising, since this magazine also recommends shoving a box over your kid’s head and punching out eyeholes for a Halloween costume that attempts to pass as a robot. For a women’s magazine that oﬀers parenting tips, it has no idea what kids actually want. Most gifts listed in their December edition involve handmade toys like knitted lambs or dressers full of art supplies. While some kids love stuﬀed animals or arts and crafts, most will have the lamb (as well as the rest of the kitchen) covered in glitter and paint in no time. VG

Pumpkin pie. Pine. Cinnamon. Peppermint. Roast turkey. Clove-covered oranges. All of these smells most likely elicit fond memories of opening presents by the Christmas tree when you were a kid or gorging yourself on a second helping of Grandma’s pumpkin pie. As we get older the holidays can become more stressful, but for some reason the smell of sugar cookies still fills us with the hopeful whimsy of a child waiting for Santa Claus. That’s because smell can activate decadesold memories and emotions. Smell can affect your mood and trigger recollection by activating the parts of your brain that control emotion and memory. The olfactory cortex is one of our fastestresponding sense networks. Located in the limbic system and the amygdala, the olfactory cortex is what perceives smell and gives meaning to it. Because of its closeness to the storage banks for memory and emotion, smell is the strongest associative sense. Another factor affecting the strength of smell and memory has to do with associative learning. According to Rachel Herz, author of “Odor-associative Learning and Emotion: Effects on Perception and

Beahvior,” smell affects memory and emotion through the following process: Odors experienced during an event become linked with the memory of that event and can ingrain the smell with meaning, especially if the event is rare or singular. For example, most people only buy Christmas trees during the holidays, thus associating the scent of pine with memories of opening presents with family or large turkey dinners, or of the season as a whole. Since bringing a Christmas tree into your house doesn’t happen every day, the smell becomes paired with specific memories and emotions tied with that event, reinforcing the odor’s meaning each year. This is why when you hike through a pine forest in the summer, your first thought might be, “Wow, it smells like Christmas,” and you suddenly develop a jolly spring in your step. So, if you’re feeling like a bit of a Grinch this year, break out the scented candles and boil some cider on the stove for a quick mood adjustment. If you don’t have any positive memories associated with holiday smells, it’s never too late to create some— like Rudolph in the fog, you just have to follow your nose. VG

HOLIDAY GUIDE 2012

Holiday bazaars and fairs DEEDA SCHROEDER PHOTO COURTESY OF etaKate Sure, you can head to the mall or shop Hawthorne Boulevard for your holiday gifts this year—if you’ve got plenty of dough in your pocket. If you’re looking for a fun experience along with your shopping, and maybe even an affordable pancake breakfast, consider branching out this year and shopping the circuit of holiday bazaars at churches and schools throughout the greater Portland area. There are lots of reasons to spend your money at these small, one-day events: Your cash goes to support schools, scholarships and local crafters, keeping money ﬂowing through our local economy, and the prices are usually very reasonable. A no-brainer, right? While many bazaars are held in October or November, there are still plenty happening in early December. Here are a few to get you started.

LEWIS ELEMENTARY HOLIDAY BAZAAR AND TREE SALE 4401 SE Evergreen St. Saturday, Dec. 1 10a.m.–4 p.m.

Dozens of local vendors sell handcrafted goods at this annual fundraiser for Lewis Elementary, helping the school drum up money in its largest fundraiser of the year. Come hungry—there’s a soup-and-bread lunch and a bake sale, along with live music and plenty of good cheer.

pta.lewiselementary.org/fundraising/holiday-bazaar

DAVID DOUGLAS HIGH SCHOOL 16TH ANNUAL HOLIDAY BAZAAR 1001 SE 135th Ave. Saturday, Dec. 1 9 a.m.–4 p.m. at the DDHS North Building

Stroll the aisles and find that perfect gift—with 80 vendors selling handcrafted items you’re sure to find something for everyone on your list. The Jingle Bell Cafe will be serving up tasty treats all day. To sweeten the deal, there’s a craft table for the kids (keep them occupied while you shop!), and you get a free raffle ticket just for showing up. Profits from this bazaar go to a scholarship program for DDHS grads.

HOLY CROSS CATHOLIC CHURCH CHRISTMAS BAZAAR 5202 N Bowdoin St. Saturday, Dec. 1 9 a.m.–5 p.m.

Handmade items and many other treasures to be found. holycrosspdx.org/holy-cross-church/ info-events.htm

GROUT ELEMENTARY SCHOOL HOLIDAY BAZAAR AND PANCAKE BREAKFAST

THE MADELEINE MARKETPLACE HOLIDAY BAZAAR AND CHRISTMAS TREE LIGHTING

Shopping for gifts can be exhausting. Go to this close-in bazaar for an early pancake breakfast and charge your batteries for a morning of caroling and facepainting, a bake sale and, of course, handcrafted gifts. In case you miss breakfast, lunch is served from 11 a.m. to 3 p.m. http://groutpta.com/holiday-bazaar/

More than 50 local artisans and merchants are expected at this event featuring Christmas carols and photos with Santa, delicious food and cookie decorating for the kids. This is an after-school event, guaranteed to be ﬂooded with kids. If you prefer a quieter shopping experience, show up right at 2 p.m., before school gets out about an hour later. themadeleine.edu/marketplace

3119 SE Holgate Blvd. Saturday, Dec. 1 Breakfast 8–10.a.m., bazaar 9 a.m.–3 p.m.

3123 NE 24th Ave. Thursday, Dec. 6 2–8 p.m.

ST. MATTHEW CATHOLIC CHURCH AND SCHOOL HOLIDAY FAIR 475 SE Third Ave., Hillsboro Sunday, Dec. 2 8 a.m.–2 p.m.

Mosey down to the school gym for doughnuts and coﬀee and take home a handmade wreath and other crafts, like jewelry and rosaries. stmatthewhillsboro.org/index. cfm?i=2188&mid=5&id=201846

BAZAARS offer unique shopping experiences.

Mistletoe misuse HARDLY THE ROMANCE YOU HAD IN MIND MAYA SEAMAN The image of a couple in love (or simply in close proximity) kissing under the mistletoe is an iconic one. It’s a revered winter tradition and a highlight of the season for every hopeless romantic during the month of December. As is the case with many of our most-beloved seasonal institutions, mistletoe starts out with the best of intentions but can quickly devolve into the low point of a holiday gathering.

THE FAKE-OUT This one happens when one member of a couple, usually having been together long enough to find humor more enriching than fleeting romance, tricks an unsuspecting partner into thinking a smooch is on its way. I see it every year: A young man approaches his girlfriend, holds a piece of mistletoe above her head and poses for a kiss. She moves closer, thinking the holidays have finally brought out his romantic side, and as she leans in—he licks the side of her face. Or bites her on the shoulder. Or grabs her butt. Whatever form the fakeout takes, it usually results in either a good laugh or someone sleeping on the couch.

LAND MINING This involves hanging mistletoe all across the ceiling and from every stationary object in your home that’s above six feet. Usually land-miners are people with a secret crush who hope to cash in at the next holiday

party—a party which they will, naturally, be throwing. They ﬁgure that with the right combination of mulled wine and coincidence, their crush will eventually ﬁnd his or her way to a spot below a mistletoe sprig. It’s a bold approach that can lead to the joy of a Christmas wish granted or the rosy cheeks of a freshly slapped face. Sometimes both.

KISS FISHING Unlike land-miners, kiss ﬁshers make no secret of their romantic ambitions. Fishers wear hats with mistletoe dangling out in front of them like bait—since the mistletoe is plainly visible, people can choose to be reeled in or avoid it at all costs, making for a festive night of catch and release.

FALSE PRETENSES Mistletoe is a parasitic, poisonous plant with round, green leaves and white berries. When ingested, some species can cause blurred vision, stomach pain, nausea, acute diarrhea, a slowed pulse or even death. Holly usually has red berries, sharp spiked leaves and is in no way related to mistletoe. Both are used as holiday decorations, and people often confuse the two. Don’t be fooled—holly grows readily in Portland and is a cheap imitation. Save your lips for someone who did their research. Smart is sexy, after all. VG

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HOLIDAY GUIDE 2012

Strange holidays USA! USA! USA! MIKE ALLEN Is there something inherently chauvinistic about pointing out how bizarre, strange or singular the holiday celebrations of others seem? Probably. That’s not going to stop me, though. When asked to cover some “bizarre or unusual” holidays celebrated around our “holiday season”—the season when we bring trees into our homes and turn them into ﬁre hazards; trample unsuspecting minimum wage employees to death in vicious consumer frenzies; and drink, eat and fornicate immoderately in preparation for a better next year—I decided that it was imperative to look outward.

TIHAR: NEPAL Nov. 11–15 (in 2012)

In Hindu belief, Lakshmi is the woman with two sets of arms atop the lotus blossom. She is venerated at the peak of Tihar, the Nepalese festival of lights. The preternaturally beautiful celebration spans five colorful days and five strange devotions. On the first day of Tihar, called Kaag Puja, people set out food for crows. On the next day, Kukur Puja, dogs—including strays—are fed lavishly and decked with beautiful garlands of marigolds. On the third day of Tihar, cows are acknowledged with the best grass and more marigold garlands. That same night, Lakshmi Puja, the oil lamps are lit for Lakshmi to find a way to each family’s money box. It’s a wonder Trump hasn’t heard about this and gone “trick or treating” in Kathmandu. Later in the evening, everyone gambles! Not at Trump casinos, though. Day four sounds like a toss-up: either

worship oxen, piles of cow pats or your own pretty self. But on day ﬁve, brothers and sisters pay each other homage by cooking food and giving gifts. Isn’t that cute?

GUY FAWKES NIGHT: GREAT BRITAIN Nov. 5

Being good Anglicized Occupiers, many of you have likely heard of Guy Fawkes Night. But in the interest of not picking only on non-Western cultures (or being horrifically Orientalist, however you read it) it seems reasonable to mention that there is something strange about the U.K.’s four-century grudge against a failed bomb plot perpetrator. It would be as if in the year 2405 we were burning Timothy McVeigh in effigy every April 19. What’s specifically strange about this holiday is…everything. Little children roam the streets in the days before Nov. 5 begging for pennies (now pounds) “for the Guy,” aka the effigy that British youth apparently still build. People light fireworks, which suggests some kind of ambivalence: Do they really wish the House of Lords had been blown to bits? And, most confounding, the government plays along by having the royal guards search the Houses of Parliament for any would-be bombers.

BUSOJARAS: MOHACS, HUNGARY Feb. 7–12 (in 2013)

Busojaras is another multiday festival, but this one seems to go out of its way to wreak havoc on the faculties. Busojaras begins when all the little girls and boys dress as murderous beggars and run around throwing sawdust and ﬂour over the village women. Then they go out begging for (oh Portland, you are going to

love this) bacon. Next, the men come out dressed like goat-y devils in sheepskin and wooden masks and scare all the little children away. The devils parade around and row boats across the Danube. These men also “may run after hapless females and whack their behinds playfully,” according to Sibylla Putzi’s A to Z World Holidays and Festivals. According to other sources, men’s heads are no safer. Naturally, fun like this is accompanied by pig slaying, boar hunting and hot mulled wine drinking. On second thought, Portland, you might just want to stay in Budapest.

ST. STEPHEN’S DAY: IRELAND Dec. 26

What’s strange about this holiday is that, being Irish, it is nearly impossible to wrest coherence from it. Despite the “Saint” in the title, by most accounts this festival predates the Christianization of Ireland. Otherwise, it wouldn’t be that “strange,” would it? The holiday also goes by the charming

moniker “Wren’s Day.” Less charmingly, it is traditionally a day to hunt wrens. Saint Stephen is revered as the ﬁrst Christian martyr—he got stoned (to death) in Jerusalem when he boldly called out the Romans for executing Jesus. According to one Irish yarn, though, Stephen was outed from a hiding spot by a wren. Apparently, wrens had special standing among pagan Celts, who perceived them as traveling freely between here and the otherworld, which brought them antipathy from early Christians. Traditionally, young men would dress in face paint and straw costumes or motley and go house to house, with a wren in a box at the top of a pole decorated with holly bough, to collect money for a celebration. By other accounts, wrens were nailed to the pole. Again, disdainful of the competition, the church attempted to eradicate Wren’s Day celebrations in the early 20th century, but it is now making a resurgence, minus the wren slaughter. Delightful St. Stephen’s Day festivals can be found in Dublin; Listowel, County Kerry; Carrigaline, County Cork; Enniskerry, County Wicklow. VG

No war on Christmas here CELEBRATING WITHOUT THE FAITH KEVIN RACKHAM

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This time every year, stories start popping up about the “War on Christmas,” and we get a sense that there’s some sort of inherent tension that comes with religious holidays. There shouldn’t be, though. Celebrate your holiday however you want and reasonable people won’t be offended. I’m an atheist, but that’s never stopped me from celebrating or enjoying Christmas. I will never call it “Xmas,” because that’s a ridiculous affectation. The accounts of politically correct people trying to change what it’s called are dramatized and overblown, and I don’t understand why my fellow nonbelievers seem to have a problem with the name of the holiday. Another thing that Fox News (I know that dead horse has been beaten, but I can’t help it) loves to report is accounts of people—usually atheists—suing or protesting over religious displays made by government officials or offices. City halls probably aren’t the best places to display nativity scenes, but saying “Merry Christmas” isn’t offensive and never should be. I know there are other holidays celebrated around this time, but if someone else’s celebration of Christmas interferes with your celebration of your holiday, the problem probably lies with you. Christians (and nonreligious people who celebrate Christmas because they live in a Western society) should be more aware of

other faiths, to be sure. But is celebrating a holiday impeding or trivializing other people’s ability to celebrate their own? No. Someone saying “Happy holidays” or putting up lights and displays does not equate to “Suck it, Hanukkah.” Things only hold the meaning you ascribe to them. I can celebrate Dec. 25 however I choose and the same goes for everyone else. The date was only chosen as the birthday of Christ because it ﬁt in nicely with existing pagan celebrations. For me, Christmas was never about the religious aspect, even during the years that I was religious and attended a Christian school. Christmas was always about seeing my family, eating delicious food and recognizing that I have a pretty fortunate life— like Thanksgiving, but with less America and more presents. It’s about cookies and winter and cheesy Christmas movies. The only part I don’t like is hearing the exact same songs every time I walk into a store or restaurant. Blasting Christmas music has never appealed to me. This is still a great time of year, despite faith or a lack thereof. Even if you don’t celebrate, people are just more pleasant during the weeks before and after Christmas. Everyone tends to be friendlier, less tense and more generous. No one should have a problem with that. VG

HOLIDAY GUIDE 2012

As if you needed another reason to drink during the holidays… DRINKING GAMES TO SATISFY ANY VIEWER’S IMBIBING HABITS THIS HOLIDAY SEASON ROBIN CROWELL PHOTO BY Kayla Nguyen For many, drinking is synonymous with the holidays, and what better way to ring in the season than with a few new drinking games to add to the old favorites. Although these days it’s easy to just go online and look up a few cinematic drinking games, I decided to create some rules of my own. I have also taken the liberty of pairing these movies with a few of my favorite winter-oriented brews.

NATIONAL LAMPOON’S CHRISTMAS VACATION (1989) Christmas Vacation is a personal favorite of mine. Growing up, I had the pleasure of watching it time and again during the holiday season, beginning with a viewing after Thanksgiving dinner and continuing all the way to New Year’s Day. It still has the ability to make me laugh until I’ve effectively worked off the calories from my various holiday feasts, and I’m sure pairing it with a drinking game will make it all the more effective. Enjoy with: Sierra Nevada’s Celebration Ale TAKE ONE DRINK: When Bethany gets confused When the Christmas lights fail When Clark causes some sort of destruction

GREMLINS (1984) Though many overlook Gremlins as a holiday classic, it is a personal staple this time of year. My group of friends enjoys a Christmas Eve tradition that revolves around a slightly (er, drastically) blurred viewing of the ﬁlm and an overwhelming sense of camaraderie. Enjoy with: Ninkasi Sleigh’r TAKE ONE DRINK: When Gizmo talks When an invention malfunctions When someone says “mogwai” When a new gremlin is spawned from a mogwai When a gremlin smokes a cigarette TAKE TWO DRINKS: When Gizmo gets scared or jittery When someone says “gremlin” FINISH YOUR DRINK: When someone breaks one of the “three rules” (don’t feed the mogwai after midnight, don’t get the mogwai wet, don’t subject the mogwai to bright lights)

ELF (2003) Leave it to Will Ferrell to bring out the childlike joy and wonder in all of us around the holidays. Though Elf is geared toward the young, a drinking game is still in order.

BAD SANTA (2003) Bad Santa is one of those new classics born out of disdain for the holidays. Between Black Friday and having to spend money on people who probably won’t appreciate your gift anyway, the sentiments of this movie pair nicely with all of those bitter feelings and gives us a chance to laugh at all of the season’s irritating traditions. Enjoy with: Anchor Brewing’s Christmas Ale TAKE ONE DRINK:

When a Christmas tradition (e.g. Christmas tree or Christmas dinner) fails

Enjoy with: Deschutes Brewery’s Jubelale

When a character smokes or drinks alcohol

TAKE ONE DRINK:

TAKE TWO DRINKS:

When Buddy eats sweets

When someone says the word “sandwich”

When a new family member arrives

When Buddy misunderstands something

When Eddie or his family act like hillbillies

When someone says “Santa”

When someone sings a song

TAKE TWO DRINKS:

FINISH YOUR DRINK:

When Buddy does something socially awkward

When the Christmas lights actually work

When Buddy’s dad disparages him

EGGNOG WITH ELF: Who says you can’t knock back a few adult beverages during a kid’s movie?

TAKE TWO DRINKS: When Santa is only wearing part of his suit When Christmas decorations get destroyed FINISH YOUR DRINK: When Santa gets lucky VG

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HOLIDAY GUIDE 2012

Santa Clauses coming to town BAD ECONOMY SANTA The last few years have been rough on retail Santas: Opportunities are down thanks to the lousy job market, but the demand from kids with parents who’ve lost half their 401k remains sky-high. 2012 Santas are a little more haggard, a little more droopy-eyed. Listless and defeated, Bad Economy Santa has even stopped caring about that persistent urine stain left on the knee of his pants by excited children. Do this guy a favor and hand him a cold PBR next time you see him.

DAD SANTA

DRUNKEN SANTA: The name says it all.

A LOOK AT THE MYRIAD KRIS KRINGLES HITTING PORTLAND IN DECEMBER

TRISTAN COOPER PHOTO BY Miles Sanguinetti Santa Claus means something diﬀerent to everyone. From childhood demigod to big fat phony, most anyone you ask has an opinion on the big man during this time of the season. Part of the reason we see so many diﬀerent varieties of the jolly old elf is that so many versions of Santa exist. Let’s look at just a few of the St. Nick variants jingling around this year.

HappyKrampus WHO’S THAT FIENDISH DEVIL? Why it’s Krampus, of course.

FORGET CHRISTMAS—DON YOUR HORNS, BELLS AND BIRCH BRANCHES INSTEAD MARY BREADEN PHOTO BY Daniel Johnston In December 2009, Stephen Colbert suggested that Americans, in the spirit of defeating secularism, return to the true roots of the Christmas holiday by bringing back Krampus, the horned and sometimes hair-covered devil that carries rusty chains and birch branches. Perhaps you’ve seen the YouTube videos of the Eastern European festivals where a multitude of Krampuses parade and demonize festivalgoers by brandishing whips, chains and birch branches. Krampus, whom Christianity has mythologized as the ashes- and punishmentdispensing henchman of St. Nicholas, is rooted in pagan tradition in Eastern Europe and is known by a variety of names— Klaubauf, Belsnickel, Zwarte Piet (Black Peter) or Schmutzli—all of whom are a far cry from the obese Coca-Cola/

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Norman-Rockwell Santa Claus we see in the United States. If you were raised with Krampus, you won’t be alarmed by the sight of the creature’s fiendish grin and hunched-over lope through the streets. In places in Europe, such as Austria, where Krampusnacht is celebrated, a whole herd of intoxicated young males dressed as this Christmas devil runs through town, jangling chains and bells. Here in Portland, you can confront your fear of reprisal from Krampus by donning your goat or devil horns and attending an event at the Mt. Tabor Theatre on Dec. 1 (krampusnachtpdx.com) where you can growl at other Christmas devils and swat them with branches. That is, unless Krampus stuﬀs you in his sack and carries you away to the underworld. For more on Krampus, seek him out at colbertnation.com. You shall not go unrewarded. VG

He’s not fooling anyone. That guy with the nylon beard and the pillow under his coat is most deﬁnitely your dad. Even the deep voice he uses for “Santa” is just like the voice he used for Gandalf when he read The Hobbit to you when you were 7. Humor him, though—there might be a few angsty teenage years in the interim, but eventually you’ll be thankful you had such a goofy and thoughtful father.

IRONIC HIPSTER SANTA From Alberta to Hawthorne to the Pearl, there’s no shortage of sizable beards in Portland. Every year, a select few choose to cultivate their facial forests in order to make a “statement” about Christmas. Aside from the somewhat-festive pairing of

red flip-flops with a white belt, his Goodwill Santa cap stands alone as the only traditional Yuletide attire. His unkempt brown-red beard is a holdover from Movember, which itself was just an extension of the same lumberjack costume he dons every Halloween. Ironic Hipster Santa will tell anyone who’ll listen that Christmas is just a marketing sham that betrays its pagan roots (leave it to Christmas to get this staunch atheist to finally defend religion). Ironic Hipster Santa will vehemently deny being a hipster at all—before inevitably transforming into Dad Santa later in life.

AMBIGUOUSLY HOMELESS SANTA These are close to not being Santas at all. It’s really hard to tell. Does the yellowing around the mouth of his beard represent the last vestiges of natural color on a middle-aged man? Or is it just some mystery face grime? What’s in that dirty green backpack from the 2002 Salt Lake City Olympics? Toys for all the good girls and boys or a couple of half-empty bottles of Olde English? Are the oﬀ-tune Christmas carols he sings alone on the MAX endearing or frightening? Why does it feel like we already know the answers to these questions? VG

HOLIDAY GUIDE 2012

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HOLIDAY GUIDE 2012

BACK COVER

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