Portland State Vanguard Holiday Guide 2013

VOLUME 68 | ISSUE 16 | NOVEMBER 26, 2013

2013

Holiday Guide

NEWS

OPINION

ARTS & CULTURE

SPORTS

PSU dean New President of the Wim CollegeWiewel of the Arts, asks Robert Bucker, students and faculty plansfor to input reach on outthe to Portland’s art university’s budget community. plan. pg.pg.

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Despitemovies Horror endlesswith news characters of shootings who know in America, they’rewhy in horror are some movies people and why fanatical still you should about loveguns? them.pg. pg.99

PSU celebrates Japanese culture with this year’s Nihon Matsuri Autumn Festival. pg. 34

The Vikings come up short against Dam Cup rivals Eastern Washington to finish the season 6-6. pg. 37

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CONTENT NEWS OPINION SPECIAL SECTION ARTS & CULTURE CALENDAR SPORTS EDITOR-IN-CHIEF

4 8 11 33 35 37 COPY EDITORS

EDITOR@PSUVANGUARD.COM Whitney Beyer

Emily Keith, Margo Pecha, Meg Riley

MANAGING EDITOR

ADVERTISING MANAGER

MANAGINGEDITOR@PSUVANGUARD.COM Jordan Molnar

JGEKELER@PDX.EDU Jordan Gekeler

NEWS EDITOR

ADVERTISING DESIGNER

NEWS@PSUVANGUARD.COM Coby Hutzler

Romeo Salazar

ARTS & CULTURE EDITOR

Reaz Mahmood

ARTS@PSUVANGUARD.COM Turner Lobey

OPINION EDITOR OPINION@PSUVANGUARD.COM Breana Harris

ADVISER

ADVERTISING ADVISER Ann Roman

DESIGNERS

SPORTS EDITOR

Rachael Bentz, Sarah Jones, Alan Hernandez-Aguilar, Christopher Peralta

SPORTS@PSUVANGUARD.COM Jesse Tomaino

WRITERS

PHOTO@PSUVANGUARD.COM Miles Sanguinetti Corinna Scott

Brie Barbee, Joshua Benson, Karisa Cleary, Tristan Cooper, Hannah Griffith, Joel Gunderson, Emily Herrera, Konrad Juengling, Jeremy King, Chelsea Lobey, Kennedy Martin, Caroline McGowan, Alex Moore, Jay Pengelly, Eva-Jeanette Rawlins, RaChelle Schmidt, Ryan Spilsbury, Brandon Staley, Gwen Shaw, Tobin Shields, Stephanie Tshappat, Drea Vick, Heather Wilson

ONLINE EDITOR

PHOTOGRAPHERS

ASSOCIATE NEWS EDITOR ASSOCIATENEWS@PSUVANGUARD.COM Ashley Rask

PRODUCTION MANAGER PRODUCTION@PSUVANGUARD.COM Sean Bucknam

PHOTO EDITORS

ONLINE@PSUVANGUARD.COM Claudette Raynor

COPY CHIEF COPY@PSUVANGUARD.COM Allie Clark

Jose-David Jacobo, Brittney Muir, Kayla Nguyen

ADVERTISING SALES

Robin Crowell, Monty Peterson, Deborah Thompson, Chelsea Ware

The Vanguard is published weekly as an independent student newspaper governed by the PSU Publications Board. Views and editorial content expressed herein are those of the staff, contributors and readers and do not necessarily represent those of the PSU student body, faculty, staff or administration. One copy of the Vanguard is provided free of charge to all community members; additional copies or subscription issues may incur a 25 cent charge.

The Vanguard is printed on 40 percent post-consumer recycled paper.

Cover: Photo by Miles Sanguinetti, Design by Sean Bucknam ©2013 PORTLAND STATE UNIVERSITY VANGUARD 1825 S.W. BROADWAY SMITH MEMORIAL STUDENT UNION, RM. S-26 PORTLAND, OR 97201

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NEWS

PORTLAND STATE REMEMBERS THE TOULANS EMILY HERRERA

On Nov. 19, Portland State held a memorial service for Nohad and Dirce Toulan in a nearly full Smith Memorial Student Union ballroom.

The two perished in an automobile accident near Montevideo, Uruguay, on Oct. 28. Nohad was 81 and Dirce was 78. The service consisted of a series of short speeches on how their lives have affected both the city and people of Portland.

Dr. Nohad Toulan helped found the School of Urban Studies and Planning at PSU and worked as its dean for nearly 30 years.

It was named after him in 2005. His wife, Dirce, had a master’s degree in city planning and was also a key figure at PSU, helping fund scholarships while giving input on her husband’s endeavors. Speakers throughout the service asserted that it was difficult to talk about about one of them without mentioning the other.

The service included speeches from colleagues, students and members of the community, sharing stories about the many different facets to the Toulans’ lives as leaders in the community.

What follows are a selection of those reflections.

U.S. Rep Earl Blumenauer, Ore. The Congressman offered his thoughts in a video message.

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“It’s hard to think of all the ways the Toulans have contributed to the evolution of our once-obscure continuing education center for returning veterans to the establishment of a vital, strong, thriving university with particular expertise in urban studies,” Blumenauer said. “Dr. Toulan was a renaissance man, a scholar, planner, academic leader, a force in the community for human rights, sound foreign policy and protecting the planet…We mourn the loss of this extraordinary couple, even as we celebrate their lives. Portland State University, the community, and the nation is a better place because of them.”

“Dirce herself was an accomplished professional,” Blumenauer continued. “They met when she was a Fulbright scholar. She didn’t just support Nohad throughout his career.

She had a strong academic and professional background and was very influential and respected at the university. It is not an accident that hers is the name on the library for the College of Urban and Public Affairs.”

Omar Toulan, son One of the Toulans’ two adult children, Omar spoke about his parents’ roles at PSU and in Portland.

“In his 28 years as dean, my father helped create a nationally recognized institution which has attracted students and faculty from all over the world,” Toulan said. “His per-

sonal legacy is intrinsically tied to the college. The same is true for our mother. While it may have been our father who was called the dean of deans, it was our mother who supported him and enabled him to have the public success he did. In addition, our mother was heavily involved in a variety of PSU initiatives, from fundraising for student scholarships to the [CUPA] library which now has her name on it.”

Thomas Hacker, architect Many of the speeches were given by people who had professional relationships with the Toulans and helped them put their plans into action.

“Nohad was a man with a fundamental confidence in his perceptions of what is strong and what is lasting in the culture and the commerce of the city,” Hacker said. “He was rigorous, he was intellectually brilliant.

But what distinguished him most to me was his ability to see the intrinsic beauty in the human order, and that kind of entanglement we have with urban life. He had an almost instinctual sense of how to guide that human order forward into the future in subtle and often amazingly transforming ways.

“He recognized that PSU’s greatest asset is being a vital part in one of the great urban environments in the world,” Hacker said. “He wanted PSU to grow as an active force in that city, not an

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©PORTLAND STATE UNIVERSITY

inward-focused Park Blocks academy, but an outward force for the future and integration of the university with the immense human resource that this city offers.”

Professor Bird Yesilada A professor of political science at PSU, Yesilada spoke about the inspirational effect the Toulans had even in regards to their personal life.

“Nohad and Dirce Toulan were true bridge-builders,” Yesilada said. “They accomplished this talk in their personal as well as public lives. They didn’t just talk

the talk—a lot of people do that—they also walked the walk. They were two giants who walked this earth and bettered the lives of everyone they met and everything they touched. […] On a personal level, they showed us how a marriage between people who came from two different countries, who spoke two different languages and practiced two different religions could endure the challenges of this world and raise a beautiful and successful family. For nearly 50 years, Dirce and Nohad showed us how to make it work. Their devotion to each other was exemplary.”

Connie Ozawa, dean of the Toulan School The memorial service concluded with a short speech from Connie Ozawa, summing up the event.

“If you’re like me, this service has led you to recall the special moments that you were lucky enough to have had with [the Toulans],” she said. “We will miss them dearly. But they are not gone. They live in the memories that we hold, and more importantly, in the commitment that they shared with us—a vision of tolerance, equity and justice, of service to others, of letting knowledge serve the city.”

NEWS

PRESIDENT WIEWEL ASKS FOR BUDGET PLANNING INPUT KARISA CLEARY

On Nov. 6, Portland State President Wim Wiewel wrote a letter to the PSU community acknowledging the $15 million expected deficit in the university’s funding for the next two years and asking for input on the university’s budgeting plans.

In his letter, President Wiewel announced his hope for a university-wide conversation about the long-term future of the university’s revenue. This includes a budget feedback form available for students and faculty to fill out online.

“This is a great way to get creative ideas about new sources of revenues, or possible areas of budget reduction, that we would not know about otherwise,” Wiewel said in an email. “It also gives us a sense of whether there are current activities and programs whose value is questioned by people.”

Due to various subsidies, health care and flat enrollment, the cost of education is becoming more expensive not only to students but to the university as well.

Scott Gallagher, director of communications at PSU, said 20 years ago the state was supporting over two-thirds of the university’s revenue. It now supports less than 12 percent, creating a large increase in tuition’s impact on the budget.

The state of Oregon essentially brought down tuition increases, lowering tuition this year by 3.5 percent, but this has no effect on the budget because there’s still the same amount of revenue with no increase.

To solve this issue, six areas are being considered for financial amendments.

These include administrative restructuring, academic priorities, energy and real estate savings, student services savings and efficiencies, staff and benefit savings and other areas involving athletics and public safety. President Wiewel wants the community’s opinion on the details of what they feel is beneficial and what isn’t.

“Often budget rebalancing is done by across the board cuts. The way we are doing it now is more strategic, which means some activities will be reduced more, or eliminated entirely, so that the most important ones can continue to thrive,” Wiewel said. “Faculty, staff and students have a lot of knowledge about what works and what doesn’t. This allows us to tap into that.”

The Finance and Administration site has already received feedback.

In a letter sent out by President Wiewel on Nov. 25, he stated that PSU’s Executive Committee has already made some decisions regarding the budget.

“Unrepresented unclassified administrators and staff earning an annual salary of $100,000 or more will not receive general pay increases in 2013-14 and 2014-15,” Wiewel said. “This will save approximately $860,000 over two years, which allows us to maintain critical academic programs and reduce the number of potential layoffs.”

Wiewel also said in his letter that no decisions have been made “regarding salary increases for unrepresented staff who earn less than $100,000 annually.”

He went on to say that salaries and benefits make up 81 percent of PSU’s annual budget.

Ideas will continue to be reviewed and some may even be put into action immediately, while others will take further revision and discussion into the winter quarter. President Wiewel clarifies the process of this review.

“It’s the job of the Executive Committee, and ultimately me as president, to weigh all the pros and cons of specific ideas, and think carefully about possible consequences that may not be clear to everyone,” Wiewel said.

“It’s hard to get consensus about budget cuts, because people naturally want to protect their own areas.”

This efforft is being rolled out as a part of reTHINK PSU. Sona Andrews, the provost and vice president for Academic Affairs as well as head of the reTHINK initiative, described in an email where these projects came from and the benefits they have already revealed.

“The genesis for reTHINK PSU came from President Wiewel wanting to make certain that PSU was being responsive to changes in pedagogy and delivery and that PSU continued to provide access to a diverse population of students at an affordable cost,” Andrews said. “The conversations, plans and actions by the faculty have been robust. The benefit to students is already being seen in some of the initiatives that have been launched—4 year graduation guarantee and the increase in online courses.”

Gallagher explained the future of this initiative by President Wiewel.

“There’s going to be a lot more to come, including a series of ongoing discussion to focus on [the six] categories,” Gallagher said. “We don’t do [financial decisions] in the

background; it is transparent to the community.”

PSU’s Executive Committee will be posting regular updates to the budget plan and will be holding a campus

town hall meeting during winter term for students, faculty and staff to attend.

Check out the budget feedback form online at pdx.edu/ fadm/budget-feedback-form.

PRESIDENT WIEWEL said in an email that community input will help to prioritize PSU’s programs and activities.

MILES SANGUINETTI/PSU VANGUARD

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NEWS

CAMPUS LIGHTING OVERHAUL IS CHEAPER AND BRIGHTER STEPHANIE TSHAPPAT

Chief of Campus Public Safety Phil Zerzan first noticed it on his way to work one fall term morning—Portland State’s campus was brighter.

“I get to campus when it’s still dark and I can see how, compared to the areas around it, the PSU campus is much more lit up,” Zerzan said.

These changes are the work of PSU’s electricians, who emphasized the benefits of replacing old light fixtures with LED lights, said Dan Zalkow, PSU’s executive director of Planning, Construction and Real Estate.

“There are many benefits in replacing these outdated light fixtures,” he said, “and it’s really impressive the amount of work the electrical staff has done.”

According to Zalkow, over the last two years there’s been a strong emphasis on replacing old light fixtures with LED lights for three reasons: LED lights are brighter than those they replaced, so they create a safer environment; they are more energy efficient, decreasing the university’s utility costs; and they are more environmentally friendly, reducing the university’s carbon footprint.

Since the changes were implemented a year ago, university electricians have replaced 1,200 exterior lights, mainly in the major parking structures, some stairwells and in the Park Blocks.

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Ryan Roberts, lead electrician in the Facilities and Property Management office, said the updates are all about student safety. “[These light fixtures] produce 2 1/2 times the amount of light, using less wattage than the old lights,” he said.

“These lights have an occupancy sensor and come up to full bright within three seconds. They’re bright for five minutes, and then they ramp down to 50 percent power within five minutes, yet only consume half the wattage as the old lights.”

“I’ve heard my officers talking about it,” Zerzan said. “In the last few months they’ve noticed a campuswide significant improvement in lighting.”

According to Zalkow, Roberts worked with Electrical Supervisor Mick Nelson to lead the effort to make these changes happen, adding that incredible amounts of research went into selecting the new fixtures that were purchased.

“These guys are absolute experts,” Zalkow said.

In researching which lighting fixtures would best suit the university’s needs, Roberts looked at several factors.

“I picked the fixture we went with based on energy output, price and what was best suited for parking structures. The fixture we went with, compared to others, was

the best, hands down,” he said.

“These new fixtures will save the university about $28,000 a year in power costs.”

Roberts worked with the Leadership and Facilities department as well as Transportation and Parking Services and began looking for funds, then made a presentation to upper management, Zalkow said.

“The university saw how much sense these improvements made and ultimately everyone was convinced this was a great use of PSU’s financial resources,” he said.

“They were impressed at how compelling the case was that Roberts and Nelson made at the presentation.”

Roberts was able to involve Energy Trust of Oregon, a company that provides custom incentives to complete projects like updating lighting fixtures.

“It will work out to where they pay approximately half the cost of these updates,” he said.

“Transportation and Parking Services will be receiving about $65,000 from Energy Trust.”

The manufacturer Roberts picked is based out of Garden City, Idaho, near Boise, and Roberts said it was a choice that proved beneficial.

“I was able to develop a personal relationship with the manufacturer,” he said.

“I knew what I wanted and needed in the fixture and I was

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KAYLA NGUYEN/PSU VANGUARD

able to negotiate directly with them on the price, which ended up saving about $85,000.”

Through these efforts, all the lights in Parking Structures One, Two and Three, and the Fourth Avenue Building parking lot have been replaced. They’re now working on the lights in the Park Blocks and have updated between 10 and 15 of those light fixtures already.

“For the lights in the Park Blocks, the whole globe is diffused well and designed to not have light pollution,” Roberts said. “I was also able to have the manufacturer match the paint around the top of the globe to the paint on the base of the fixtures, so they look really classy.” Light pollution is a term for excessive or misdirected light.

The next step will be to update the lights inside university buildings.

“We’re updating the lights in the study areas on every floor in Cramer Hall,” Roberts said.

“I’ve done a lot of work to make this project awesome,” he added, smiling, “but it really is all about student safety, and we’re trying to be proactive [about it].”

“Little Vikings” raid PSU KARISA CLEARY

The Resource Center for Students with Children is currently building the foundation for the only drop-in center for children on campus. “Little Vikings” will be accessible to students, faculty and staff and will require a Portland State ID when dropping a child off.

While some details for the Little Vikings Drop-in Center are still being developed, the location will likely be Epler Hall, where it will share a floor with the Urban Honors Lounge. The projected opening date is in mid-February.

Lisa Wittorff, the coordinator for the RCSC, is in charge of launching the program and chose to include student-parents in work groups in order to

create the most beneficial program for the rest of the parents on campus. “[We] wanted to have student-parents’ input since the center is principally for them. We have 26 students working with us to publish hours, prices and more,” Wittorff said.

The motivation behind this project came from Wittorff herself, and she explained how it all came together.

“I saw an article in [an] OSU newspaper for a similar childcare center that they had opened. I brought it up to my boss, then the student fee committee, and everyone thought it was a great idea,” Wittorff said.

The center will consist of one room with the capacity to hold up to 14 children at a time. Infants as young as 6 weeks will be welcomed, along with children up to 12

years old. The infant area will be separated by a 24-inch tall divider.

Parents will have the opportunity to reserve a spot in advance for their child for a certain amount of time, and all no-shows will still be required to pay for the time they reserved.

So far, the hours are currently expected to be 9:30 a.m. to 7:30 p.m. Monday through Thursday and 9:30 a.m. to 5 p.m. on Fridays. The center will be closed throughout the weekend.

Hourly prices have yet to be established, but students will receive a 30 percent discount from staff and faculty pricing, and infants will cost $1 more per hour.

Parents will be able to pay as they go, but the minimum amount of time a parent can use the facility is one hour.

HUNTER SHARP, a designer and illustrator at PSU’s Resource Center for Students with Children, works on the logo for the new drop-in day care service.

MILES SANGUINETTI/PSU VANGUARD

Since this daycare will solely provide supervision of children, openings for employment at Little Vikings will be available beginning in January including a position for a childcare professional as the lead teacher.

One question that came up during the planning process was whether the center will be available to the public during PSU concerts or other public events. Wittorff says this will ultimately depend on popular

CRIME BLOTTER Week of Nov. 18 - Nov. 25

STEPHANIE TSHAPPAT

Nov. 18 Theft

Fourth Avenue Building At 2:01 p.m. Officer Jared Schuurmans responded to a report of items missing from a lab. Two Lego sonars were reported as taken. No further information.

Nov. 19 Arrest

Academic Student Recreation Center Officer Schuurmans responded to a report of bicycles possibly being stolen near the west entrance at 10:04 a.m. Upon arrival, Schuurmans contacted non-student Steven A. Slane, who had an outstanding misdemeanor warrant and was arrested on said warrant.

Arrest

Urban Plaza At 5:43 p.m. Officer David Baker and Officer Denae Murphy contacted non-

student Steven Stewert, who had a current PSU exclusion for trespass. Stewert threw a glass methamphetamine pipe on the ground and attempted to break it further with his boot. Stewert was taken into custody without further incident and admitted to possession of the pipe and that he attempted to destroy it in an effort to avoid arrest. Stewert was lodged at Multnomah County Detention Center on charges of criminal trespass II, unlawful attempted possession of methamphetamine, tampering with evidence and a probation violation detainer.

Nov. 20 Arrest

Officer Chris Fischer contacted non-student Matthew Blackburn who was very intoxicated and attempted to get Blackburn to go home with friends or to detox. Blackburn refused and became hostile and unpredictable, refusing to co-

operate with multiple verbal commands. Blackburn was taken into custody for disorderly conduct after a brief use of force. Blackburn was cleared to be lodged at Multnomah County Detention Center by medics but eventually had to be transported to OHSU due to preexisting health issues. Citation issued in lieu of arrest.

No further information.

Nov. 21 Motor Vehicle Accident

Ondine Parking Lot At 4:05 p.m. Officer Shawn McKenzie received a report from a student who stated she hit a cement pillar with her car in the basement parking lot.

Theft

Cramer Hall Officer Smelzter received a report from a student who stated her cell phone was stolen after she forgot it in the second floor east side women’s restroom. No further information

NEWS

buildings. Dean was issued a PSU exclusion.

Nov. 22 Suspicious Circumstances

Millar Library A student reported to Officer Nichola Higbee that an unknown male subject has followed her on several occasions at the library: Nov. 18, 20, and 2, at about 5 p.m. Subject is a white male, bald, approximately 55 years old, 6 feet tall and skinny build; wears “casual, outdoorsy” clothing and large headphones.

Nov. 25

Nov. 23

For full crime blotter listing visit psuvanguard.com

Theft

Neuberger Hall, lobby At 2 a.m. Officer Fischer received a report from janitorial employee who stated he left his personal backpack and coat secured in the lobby and items were later discovered to be missing.

demand and whether or not it is financially feasible.

“We are hoping to get enough need from the PSU community to [not have to] open to the public,” Wittorff said.

GET THE DEETS IN TWEETS @PSUVANGUARD

Esclusion

Broadway Housing Building, first floor At 5:28 a.m. Officer Brian Rominger observed nonstudent Marvin Jacob Dean Jr. sleeping on a table near the Southwest Jackson Street entrance. Dean stated a resident of the building let him in for a party earlier in the evening. The individual Dean mentioned was determined to be a PSU student but not a resident of any PSU Housing

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OPINION

ENDA AND GOVERNMENTAL POWER CONGRESS WON'T PASS DISCRIMINATION PROTECTION OR ANYTHING AT ALL Just a Phase

by Konrad Juengling For the first time ever, the Senate passed a piece of legislation that protects people from being fired based solely on their sexual orientation. There are multiple reasons to have mixed feelings about this news, the first being the fact that this is even an issue in 2013.

There are currently 29 states in the U.S. where you can be fired for being lesbian, gay or bisexual and 34 where you can be fired for being transgender. While there are workplace protections against firing someone for their skin color, gender, religious affiliation, age and health status, you can lose your job just for being perceived as LGBT. This sounds like a policy from 1913, not 2013. This shows that rampant homophobia still lingers in politics and that politicos are still more interested in their approval ratings than giving people equal workplace protection.

Another reason why this is sad news is because while the Employment Non-Discrimination Act has passed the Senate, House Speaker John Boehner won’t bring it up for a vote in the House.

It’s completely ridiculous that one person has the power to make the decision if something gets called up or not. Theoretically, if a piece of legislation gets enough support in both the Senate and the House to pass, Congress should both be allowed to vote on it.

Realistically, even if Boehner were to bring this up for a vote, it’s unlikely that it would pass the Republican-controlled House.

It’s gross that someone can be fired for being gay. I think that’s a common consensus, at least with people who have some form of reasoning skills. What’s even worse, though, is that our oligarchy government has become so bloated, corrupt and self-serving that they can’t do their jobs.

This 113th Congress passed only 22 bills in its latest session before they took off for a five-week break that began in August.

That’s the lowest in U.S. history. To put things in perspective,

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LGBT EMPLOYMENT DISCRIMINATION LAW IN THE UNITED STATES : http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/LGBT_employment_discrimination_in_the_United_States Sexual orientation and gender identity: all employment

Sexual orientation: all employment

Sexual orientation and gender identity: state employment

Sexual orientation: state employment

No state-level protection for LGBT employees © WIKIMEDIA COMMONS

the Washington Post reported the 112th congress passed 561 bills, which was the lowest up until now. In all honesty, Congress doesn’t do much of anything these days.

Congress gets every weekend off. In 2013, they did not have a single five-day workweek. They had 126 working days, leaving 239 days off that year. That’s well over half the year.

Other perks? They get paid $174,000 per year, and they aren’t actually required to pass anything. In fact, it’s actually a law that their pay cannot be withheld. In theory, they could get zero bills passed in their session, then sit around and eat lead paint for the rest of the year. (Which is what I assume they’re doing, based on their track record.) When the government went into shutdown because the House GOP wanted to make a point, those politicians still got paid while government workers had to make ends meet without paychecks for over a month.

In other words, they’ve got the best job in the world. Congressional members don’t have to actually do anything, yet they still get exorbitant paychecks, health care and paid “fact-finding missions,” aka state-funded vacations. They also get free postage, meaning one congressperson can pretty much level a forest, print out campaign fliers and send them to an entire district while you subsidize the cost.

Why wouldn’t someone want a job where you don’t have to meet goals, can literally let the place shut down, still get paid since no one can withhold your check from you, get top health benefits for you and your family, can write off any mail you send and get to fly around the country on the company’s dime? Anyone with an inkling of common sense can see that these benefits are exponentially self-serving and, frankly, abuses of power.

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Our government has become an oligarchic club with intertwined kickbacks, revolving doors, embedded lobbyists, super PACs and apathetic legislators. This might seem like an extreme opinion, but looking at the facts given here makes me think that how we describe our politicians has become interchangeable with how we describe white-collar criminals. The stalling of ENDA is just one more example of how our current U.S. Congress is pretty much worthless.

What I would love to see is congressional leaders on minimum wage. If it’s good enough for constituents and the American people, shouldn’t public servants be earning the same wage? Let’s see how fast the minimum wage gets increased at that point. I’d love to see leaders held accountable for their actions. If the government goes into shutdown, the first thing that gets stopped is their pay. If I don’t do my job, I don’t get paid. It seems like a pretty simple concept, so why should it be any different for them? I’d love to see these “leaders” putting in a full workweek. I’d love to see them paying for their own mailing campaigns. There are lots of things that could be changed that would really improve our inept, money-pilfering Congress.

Something that I would love to see in the short term, and something that is much more realistic, is the passing of ENDA. It’s asking for basic workplace protections so LGBT people will not be fired for just being who they are. It’s not asking for LGBT people to work only 126 days of the year, or to get kickbacks or get paid if they don’t do their jobs, all of which Congress gets. What it’s asking for are just the basics of job protection, like the rest of nongovernmental elites. I think it’s only fair to raise those protections up to the level of other American workers. Then it’ll just be two castes of people instead of three: our gross, abusive government and people who have to work for their money.

OPINION

GUN SKEPTICISM, NOT GUN FANATICISM This, not That

by Chelsea Lobey I started following the news a bit more closely a few months ago. And you know what I noticed was the overarching theme, story after story, day after day? Guns. People hurting and killing each other with guns.

Every day, I read about the guy who shot somebody, or the crazy person who was waving around a gun in a crowded mall or the kid who brought a gun to school to show his friends.

Every day, people shoot and kill each other with guns, and it’s getting out of hand.

My very first job was working as a cashier at an outdoor store that prided itself on its bustling and brimming gun department. We sold rifles, shotguns and handguns. We had aisles filled with every kind of ammunition as far as the eye could see, and if we didn’t have what you needed, we could even special order it! The sky was the limit when it came to things that could kill another person.

I was there when Obama first got elected in 2008 and everybody started screaming and panicking because they all thought he was going to “take away our guns.” The sales for our gun department skyrocketed. During the first few months of Obama’s presidency, it was not uncommon for people to come in, fill up entire shopping carts with ammunition and buy as many guns as they could possibly carry.

People were spending thousands of dollars at a time, all in the name of our Second Amendment rights! “You just try to take our guns!”

But even when people aren’t grabbing up every spare gun and bullet they could find in a strange attempt to protest against our president, the culture and fanaticism that surrounds the gun is terrifying. There’s a sense of pride that comes with owning a really expensive gun, and there’s a definite gleam of power that flashes across the eyes of a person who picks up a gun for the first time. They hold in their hands a weapon of immense power, and they know it. They can feel it.

I’ve seen men brag to each other about how many guns they own, and I’ve seen them drool over the gun’s power and size, carefully weighing the pros and cons of each gun in turn. I’ve witnessed a man boast about how he could take down an animal the size of a car, and another who could blow through bulletproof vests with ease. I’ve seen a dad tearfully, joyfully, buy his teenage son his very first gun, and I once watched a man point an unloaded handgun at the head of the salesperson behind the desk and say “Bang!” as a joke.

I’ve seen all of this firsthand, and it’s scary.

CORINNA SCOTT/PSU VANGUARD

“Buying guns to combat the other people with guns does not fix the problem” A lot of people say that they want a gun because “you never know what kind of crazy person out there could have one,” and it makes them feel safe. But a peer-reviewed study published this month in The American Journal of Public Health looked at the relationship between gun ownership and rates of homicides in the U.S. and found there is “a robust relationship between gun ownership and firearm homicide rates.” Basically, the more guns we have, the more we tend to kill each other. How can that make anybody feel safe? Buying guns to combat the other people with guns does not fix the problem; it just leads to more death. In 2010, over 31,000 Americans were killed by a gun. Doesn’t that seem just a bit sad?

With these kinds of statistics, why are people so fanatical about guns? Why do some people revere a gun the way other people revere God? Why are so many people in this country

defending the absolute right to own as many guns as they could possibly ever want, and why are they so unbelievably easy to buy?

People slap bumper stickers on their cars saying “guns don’t kill people, people kill people,” but the more people there are who carry guns around, the easier it is to kill somebody and the more likely it is to happen. Why would anybody ever want that? Why do we allow this to happen? I’m not saying we need to put a ban on guns—which would never happen in the U.S. anyway—but we should rethink how easy it is to buy them, and we should seriously reconsider the culture of fanaticism that surrounds them.

Seriously, who needs to buy entire shopping carts full of guns and ammunition? The answer is nobody.

Vanguard | NOVEMBER 26, 2013 | psuvanguard.com

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OPINION

LOCKER ROOM LANGUAGE THE PROFESSIONAL SPORTS CULTURE ISN'T CULTURE

Everywhere and Here

by Eva-Jeanette Rawlins If you’ve been following the NFL Miami Dolphins controversy at all, you know that what happens in the locker room and usually stays there has now been splashed everywhere. And it’s a very good thing, too. The accusations of bullying have shed a whole new light on the mysterious NFL culture of brotherhood that has been mostly under the radar.

A few weeks ago, reports surfaced that second-year lineman Jonathan Martin had abruptly left the Miami Dolphins. It soon became apparent that he did so as a result of what he said was “player misconduct.” Alleging “a malicious physical attack on him by a teammate, and daily vulgar comments,” Martin’s camp named Dolphins veteran offensive lineman Richie Incognito as the main perpetrator and said the behavior had gone so far that Martin felt he could no longer remain in the organization.

It’s all still up in the air as to who did what. Suspended Incognito’s got a checkered reputation from his college days for being a jerk (to put it politely), and a voicemail he left for Martin in which he used the n-word has been widely publicized. But there’s an ongoing investigation. Ultimately, nothing has been proven.

The outcome of this case is less interesting than the public response, however. As is often the case, there are two very split camps: some calling for Incognito’s firing, and others saying Martin was a big enough boy to have stood up for himself. Bullying brings about a fascinating dialogue, especially when you’re talking about men who weigh over 250 pounds and stand over 6 feet tall.

There still seems to be a perception that someone big and strong can’t possibly be bullied. In a USA Today interview, Giants safety Antrel Rolle said, “Jonathan Martin is a 6-foot-5-inch, 320-pound dude. I think he should be able to stand up for himself and say ‘No I’m not doing it.’…If he takes it out of line, you take it to a higher power. Either you take care of it yourself or take it to a higher power. He’s the one that’ll be in trouble, not you.”

How little we know, and sadly, how far we have to go.

INCOGNITO (LEFT) and Martin at a Dolphins training camp. ©2013 NYP HOLDINGS, INC.

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It’s mind boggling that people still think somebody’s physical size defines whether or not they can bullied. It’s right along the lines of the old “sticks and stones” quote that we all know is a load of rubbish. Also, apparently people think that as a victim of bullying, all you have to do is tell someone in authority and they’ll take care of it. Yeah, if you live in a place called denial.

Go to any playground and you’ll find out pretty quickly that this method doesn’t even work for the youngest and tiniest members of society. How many of us who experienced bullying found that it got worse when we told our teachers?

There’s a reason why so many victims suffer in silence.

Another fascinating discussion has re-ignited around the use of the n-word, specifically when it comes to sports. I’ve watched several interviews where commentators, current and former players and analysts have discussed the word in the context of the locker room. Almost every person affiliated with professional sports concluded that as hard as it is for us on the outside to understand, the use of that racial slur is simply part of the “culture.” It’s how players show affection for each other, and we can’t possibly understand unless we’re in the inner circle.

Former basketball player Charles Barkley recently said, “The language we use in the locker room, sometimes it’s sexist, sometimes it’s homophobic and a lot of times it’s racist.

We do that when we’re joking with our teammates, and it’s nothing personal.”

I get culture. I get that I’m not a football player and that there are just some things I will never understand about that arena. What I don’t get is how employees in a professional workplace can claim the right to use sexist, racist and homophobic language and brush it off as “nothing personal.” Try that in a law office, or as a teacher, a CPA or a postman. You’d be fired in a minute. Why are grown men who make millions of dollars a year above the rules that every average American abides by in their workplace? They shouldn’t be.

Instead, I’d like to take a page out of Tony Dungy’s book.

He’s a former Indianapolis Colts coach and an overall amazing human being, who coincidentally passed on Incognito in 2005 due to his questionable behavior. “A football locker room,” he maintains,“and any workplace has to be a place where no matter how you are as a person, no matter what your personality is, that is respected. Everybody is not the same in a locker room. You’re not going to get 53 people that all fit in the same way. I think good teams and strong organizations promote that type of environment, where you don’t have to be like everyone else to flourish.”

No one should ever have to quietly endure pain that someone else says “isn’t personal.” It’s not acceptable for sexist, racist and homophobic language to be chalked up to a sports thing, and bullying shouldn’t be either. Athletes are employees, which means their bosses need to get a clue and treat them that way by asking them to achieve a standard of excellence in all they do, on and off the field.

©FLICKR USER ZIP.GOODIE

Happy Holidays, PSU Turner Lobey Another year gone!

November is retiring and December is at our doorsteps. By now we’ve begun to bundle up and don our scarves and sweaters to beat winter’s chill. As we begin to lock ourselves in the library and bury ourselves in textbooks, notes, spreadsheets and flash cards to prepare for final exams, it’s hard to believe that fall quarter has come and gone so quickly.

It’s times like these that make you realize how fast life can move. Wasn’t it just summer? What happened to shorts, sun and picnics in the Park Blocks? I can’t be

the only one who had this term pass by in the blink of an eye. Getting caught up with school, work and life’s curveballs makes it easy to overlook how fast life can move. If you keep your head down long enough, there’s no knowing where the world will be when you finally find the time to look up.

This year is coming to a close, but we have a chance for a fresh start. We are fortunate to find ourselves days away from a lengthy break.

This is our chance to step away and unplug. Though you may find yourself manning the front lines in a

retail shop somewhere, in a restaurant serving someone their Christmas dinner or on a plane to visit loved ones, this is your chance to recharge and return to campus with a new found energy and a fresh outlook.

Use this break wisely—do something fantastic. Be fantastic. Kiss someone wonderful and tell them you love them. Read a good book, eat plenty of food and earn your fluffy winter belly. (Don’t be ashamed, you worked hard for it.) Drink liberal amounts of tea, sleep too much and wear pants as little as possible. Do something new, try

something old or do nothing at all. That’s fine, too.

Here at the Vanguard, we’ve been blessed with an incredible year. You readers have accepted our new faces, new drive and new format with open arms. I can only give my deepest and sincere thanks and gratitude for everything. With this Holiday Guide, I hope we can return the kindness you have shown us. Let it serve as an aid to you in your holiday celebrations, whatever they might be. Be merry and be well.

Thank you for a wonderful year. Here’s to another.

Cheers.

Vanguard | NOVEMBER 26, 2013 | psuvanguard.com

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HOLIDAY GUIDE

Potato latkes with dill and garlic ©CLEMENS PFEIFFER

Ingredients To be grated and mixed baking potatoes **22 large onions **½small cup of all-purpose flour **2 eggs, lightly beaten **

Brandon Staley Latkes, otherwise known as potato pancakes, are a delicious holiday treat renowned for their soft centers, crunchy exteriors and for being delivery mechanisms for a wide variety of toppings. With the holiday season approaching, there’s no better time to dip your toes into the starchy waters

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and learn all there is to know about making everyone’s favorite tuber-based treat.

First, one of the best latke recipes I’ve found belongs to Smitten Kitchen. I’ve included the recipe here with my own alterations and additions. I’ve reduced the amount of salt while also adding some flavorful ingre-

dients like dill and garlic. If you’re feeling traditional, just nix the dill and garlic from this recipe. Or, if dill and garlic just aren’t your thing, try some other spices!

Latkes are traditionally served with toppings like sour cream and roe, but there are plenty of alternatives. The simple addition

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of ketchup won’t necessarily spice up your latkes—because it’s ketchup—but the age-old combination can’t be ignored. A spicy aioli or Sriracha sauce can add a kick to your potato pancake.

If you’re looking to go absolutely crazy and try something completely different, try dipping your latkes in some sweet chili sauce. It might sound nuts, but an appropriately sweet sauce can counteract the greasy saltiness of the latkes. If all else fails, put an egg on it. My preference is poached, maybe with some hollandaise sauce.

Start by grating the potatoes and the onions and mixing them together. The easiest way to do this is in a food processor using the grater blade. If you don’t have a food processor you can use a handheld grater, but it’ll be slow going.

salt **1½teaspoon teaspoon ground black pepper **1 teaspoon dried dill **2 teaspoon chopped garlic **Oil, for frying ** Remove the water from the potato and onion mixture.

Place the mixture in cheesecloth and squeeze until water no longer runs. Let the mixture rest for a couple of minutes and squeeze again. (Note: if you don’t have cheesecloth, you can maybe use some strong paper towels. But that just sounds like a recipe for disaster, and this recipe is for latkes, so: reader beware.)

Lightly beat the eggs in a small bowl. In a mixing bowl, combine the ingredients for the batter, starting with the dry ingredients: the flour, salt, pepper and dill. Then gradually mix in the wet ingredients: the garlic and the beaten egg. Mix the batter thoroughly until it forms a paste. (Note: if you find yourself without fresh or pre-chopped garlic, you can substitute in a ½ teaspoon of dried, ground garlic

powder, adding it with the dry ingredients.)

Heat a pan to medium heat and add 2 tablespoons of oil to it. While the pan is heating, add the batter mixture to the grated potatoes and onions and combine thoroughly. The pan should be fully heated by the time the two mixtures are fully incorporated.

Drop a dollop of latke mix into the pan, one tablespoon at a time. Spread the dollops into pancake shapes using a spatula. Check the undersides of the latkes frequently and flip when golden brown, usually every 3 or 4 minutes.

The latkes are done when both sides are crisp and brown. Remove to plate with paper towels to drain the oil and serve immediately. Top with something extravagant and enjoy!

HOLIDAY GUIDE

Cooking for everyone during the holidays A guide to special dietary needs Kennedy Martin Living in Portland, I’m sure we’ve all met our fair share of vegetarians, vegans, celiacs, etc. After all, Portland was voted the second most vegan-friendly city in the country this year by People for the Ethical Treatment of Animals.

Now the question is, what do you feed these lovely but especially picky people when you bring them home for the holidays to your meat, potatoes and bread-loving family?

Luckily, it’s not as challenging as most people think.

First, let’s get some definitions straight. A vegetarian can be slightly difficult to figure out at first. In general, you can be sure that none of them consume meat, poultry, game, fish, shellfish, crustaceans or any other byproducts of slaughter. Getting more detailed, the most common “type” of vegetarian is the lacto-ovo vegetarian; they eat both dairy products and eggs. Lacto vegetarians will eat dairy but not eggs, and ovo vegetarians will eat eggs but not dairy. That should pretty much cover your vegetarians invited.

Vegans are along the same lines as vegetarians, with just a bit more to think about.

They avoid any meat, dairy

products, eggs, or any other animal products (for example, some skip honey and gelatin).

Now, a celiac is someone with a medical condition that damages the lining of the small intestine (causing the person to become very uncomfortable) when they ingest gluten. Gluten is found in wheat, barley, rye and sometime oats, so they’ll want to avoid those things.

Another thing to be aware of is that some people have such a high sensitivity to gluten that a reaction can even be caused by eating something gluten-free that was cooked in a pan that previously had a wheat tortilla in it.

It works out nicely that several of these people overlap in the things that they prefer or do not prefer to eat. For example, if you cook something vegan, any type of vegetarian or lactose-intolerant person (someone not able to digest lactose, found in milk and dairy products) will also be able to enjoy it.

Recipes: This is a great gluten-free recipe that vegetarians will also appreciate, and it’s a holiday classic.

Gingerbread Men Ingredients: 1 cup brown rice flour (this is the key ingredient to making this recipe gluten-free) 1 cup arrowroot starch 2 teaspoons ground ginger 1 teaspoon cinnamon 1/2 teaspoon nutmeg 1/2 teaspoon salt 1/2 teaspoon baking soda 1/2 teaspoon guar gum 1/2 cup molasses 1/4 cup confectioner’s sugar 1/4 cup softened butter 1 teaspoon vanilla extract

** ** ** ** ** ** ** ** ** ** ** **

Cooking Instructions: 1. Preheat oven to 350 degrees.

2. Line two large baking sheets with parchment paper.

3. Sift all dry ingredients together and set aside.

4. Cream butter and sugar, beating on high speed for 3–5 minutes until light and fluffy.

5. Add molasses and vanilla and beat until combined.

6. Slowly add dry ingredients to butter mixture and beat just until a stiff dough forms.

7. Place dough between two sheets of plastic wrap lightly

dusted with sweet rice flour.

Roll out to 1/8 inch thick.

8. Dip gingerbread cookie cutter in sweet rice flour and cut out gingerbread men. Use a flour-dusted spatula to transfer cookies to baking sheet. If the dough should get too soft while you are working with it, just place it in the freezer for about 5 minutes.

9. Bake for 10 minutes in preheated oven, or until cookies are firm to the touch. Cool and decorate.

This recipe could also easily be made vegan by replacing the butter with margarine.

This next recipe is sure to please any vegans, vegetarians, and/or lactose-intolerants in the house.

“Chicken” Pot Pie Ingredients: 1/4 cup vegetable bouillon or faux chicken broth powder 2 1/2 cups hot water 1/2 cup nutritional yeast flakes 1/2 cup flour 1/2 cup oil 1 teaspoon garlic salt 1/2 teaspoon pepper One 15.5-ounce can white

** ** ** ** ** ** ** **

potatoes, drained and cut into small pieces 1 1/2 cups frozen or canned and drained mixed corn kernels, peas and diced carrots 1/2 pound faux chicken, cut into tiny cubes 1 box puff pastry sheets

** ** **

Cooking Instructions: 1. Preheat the oven to 400 degrees.

2. Mix the vegetable bouillon or faux chicken broth powder with the hot water to make stock. Set aside.

3. Combine the nutritional yeast and flour in a large pot and stir constantly over low heat until lightly toasted.

4. Add the oil, stirring to make a roux. Slowly whisk in the stock, garlic salt and pepper.

Add the vegetables and faux chicken. Cook for 5–10 minutes, or until heated through.

5. Roll out one sheet of puff pastry and place in a 9-inch pie dish, trimming to fit.

Place the pastry in the oven for 5–10 minutes, or until it starts to puff. Remove the pastry from the oven, pour the filling into it and place the other sheet of puff pastry on top, cutting and pressing the edges together and making several 1-inch slices

on top to allow the steam to escape. Continue baking for approximately 20 minutes or until the pastry is golden and puffed.

(This recipe could be made gluten-free by using rice flour and gluten-free puff pastries.)

Just remember, all of these people eat simple fruits and vegetables. A vegan and/or vegetarian can always grab a peanut butter and jelly sandwich. Celiacs can snack on popcorn. It can be surprising how many foods you have laying around that just happen to be vegan or glutenfree. And don’t worry; most people with special dietary needs try to be as accommodating as possible and will let you know what they can and can’t eat.

A great resource is PETA’s “Accidently Vegan” food list, which lists items produced by well-known brands that you may have never known were vegan. Some examples include Oreos, Swedish Fish, and Spicy Sweet Chili flavored Doritos. Another resource is the website glutenfreegirl.com, which is home to tons of classic recipes reinvented as gluten-free.

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RACHAEL BENTZ/PSU VANGUARD

A Holden Caulfield Christmas Breana Harris I hate Christmas. I don’t think it makes me cool or rebellious to have that opinion, and in fact, I always feel awkward sharing it. Even those who aren’t “holiday people” still get excited about some aspects of the holiday season, and they still manage to use words like “joy” and “togetherness” without irony.

I just can’t do it. I still feel like a cynical, Salinger-esque adolescent sighing about how phony everyone and everything seems to be.

The first reason for this is that I grew up close to my dad who also hated Christmas. He didn’t understand the point of it, or why feelings that nobody seemed to express or act on the rest of the year were arbitrarily tacked onto the month of December. He was

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an old hippie who hated consumerism and felt like buying Christmas presents was the equivalent of trying to prove to your relatives that you loved them by spending money. He passed away eight years ago, and I always find it ironic when family members talk about missing him more during the holidays. I miss him all the time. The only reason I have for missing him more at Christmas is because he’d be there to make fun of it.

Another reason is simply taste. I think Christmas music is almost universally terrible. Most Christmas movies are also terrible. I like Love Actually, but it’s because of my love for great British actors more than anything else.

Holiday sweaters are ugly.

Holiday light displays are

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garish. I’ve never in my life understood the appeal of a pumpkin spice latte. I don’t bake. I’m not religious. I’m just not sentimental. I’m also a summer person. I’ve never been able to romanticize winter weather, and tinsel is small consolation.

Maybe you want to drink, bake and wear ugly sweaters.

That’s okay. But I’m willing to bet I’m not the only Holden Caulfield at Portland State. So my message for the holidays is don’t feel bad if you don’t feel the things everyone tells you you’re supposed to feel.

If you’re excited about winter break because of a trip you’re taking, or because you get to catch up on sleep or because of the Doctor Who Christmas special, you’re not a bad person. If you hear people talk

about togetherness, joy, peace and other sickly sweet terms, and deep down you don’t really know what they’re supposed to mean, it doesn’t necessarily mean you’re forever removed from them. We can be grossed out together.

You know which holiday I don’t hate? New Year’s.

There’s something really powerful to me about shedding the skin of the old year and starting fresh. I like the idea of resolutions. I like staying up until midnight and celebrating. Sure, it’s an arbitrary date on an arbitrary calendar, but I still look forward to champagne and watching the ball drop on television.

See! I can do this stuff. I bet Holden hated New Year’s.

Happy 2014. We can make it if we try.

HOLIDAY GUIDE

An atheist’s guide to the holidays Finding commonalities in the time of good cheer Brie Barbee The holiday season is supposed to be a time of laughter, good cheer and spending time with your friends and loved ones. However, if you happen to not belong to the Christian faith—or any faith at all, for that matter—the holidays can seem quite overwhelming.

What are you supposed to celebrate if you are not a part of any religion? If you don’t celebrate Christmas or don’t believe in the religion it was founded on, does that mean you aren’t allowed to celebrate it?

As an atheist in a predominately Christian family, I know what it’s like to struggle to find a place for yourself during the holidays.

Many holidays that are celebrated during the winter—especially Christmas—seem to be deeply rooted in religion.

Does it make me less firmly rooted in atheism if I want to celebrate Christmas with my family? What would my family think if I decided that I wasn’t going to celebrate with them this year?

Is there some sort of medium that I can find between the holiday season and my beliefs?

Many modern holidays have evolved quite dramatically from their original forms, at least in the U.S. Instead of focusing on religion, the winter season has transformed into a time that is more focused on being close to your family and friends and showering each other with gifts. It’s a time to reflect on all the things that you are thankful for in your life.

It shouldn’t matter whether you are Christian, of a different faith or belong to no faith at all; you should be able to celebrate whatever you want and be able to enjoy the holiday season.

Because in the end, aren’t the holidays supposed to be about spreading good cheer?

It doesn’t seem right that not everyone can be happy when so many holiday traditions are designed to bring happiness.

We shouldn’t limit our good cheer and kindness only to people who are just like us. People should feel comfortable celebrating Christmas, even if they don’t have a religion.

Instead of focusing on the apparent differences, we should instead search for commonalities. Because in the end, we are humans; we all have families, and we all deserve to be happy during a time of celebration.

I propose that we take this time of the year to be compassionate, caring and kind to everyone. And I mean everyone.

We shouldn’t aim to change people or try to find one holiday to fit all, because that would never work. However, if we ever hope to live in a peaceful world where everyone can get along no matter how different they might seem, we need to start somewhere. Why not here? Why not vow to make an effort, a really solid effort, to be the kind of person that the holiday season is supposed to inspire?

So whether you celebrate Thanksgiving, Christmas, Hanukkah, Kwanzaa, Festivus, the winter solstice or the many cultural variations of the New Year, you should be able to celebrate it well and enjoy all the season has to offer, no matter what.

©DR. SEUSS

Kringle jingles Our picks for the essential songs of the holiday season Tristan Cooper By now you’ve probably heard a Christmas song or two playing overhead on a grocery store trip. The typical bland covers of classic holiday standards you’ll find at Safeway or Freddy’s range from annoying to irritating. It’s enough to make you go home and set up your own playlist.

The Vanguard has you covered. We’ve compiled a list of contemporary and

classic tunes for that special time of year. We couldn’t fit in everyone’s favorites (sorry, Burl Ives) even if we had two Holiday Guides, but we like to think that we’ve nailed the essentials.

Kringle Jingles Eartha Kitt Santa Baby Willie Nelson Pretty Paper Bing Crosby Silver Bells Zooey Deschanel & Leon Redbone Baby It’s Cold Outside The Kinks Father Christmas Barenaked Ladies Hanukkah Blessings Jackson 5 Santa Claus is Coming to Town

The Ronettes Sleigh Ride Trans-Siberian Orchestra Carol of the Bells Jose Feliciano Feliz Navidad John Williams Somewhere in My Memory Run DMC Christmas in Hollis Wham! Last Christmas Frank Sinatra Let It Snow Mariah Carey All I Want For Christmas Is You

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HOLIDAY GUIDE

Portland’s local lights Jordan Molnar Finally, that special time of year has come! You must be feeling the overwhelming need to look at an assortment of lights. Well, you are in luck: Portland has a wide variety of holiday light displays to choose from. So instead of driving slowly down streets you don’t live on and risking the wrath of neighborhood watchmen, try one of these tested Portland traditions.

place around 5:30 p.m. and will be facilitated by the Chabad of Oregon and Jewish Family and Child Services in association with the Oregon Food Bank. Canned food donations will also be collected at the lighting for the Oregon Food Bank to help feed families in need for the holidays. This event is free of charge and anyone is welcome to attend.

Winter Wonderland

The Miracle of a Million Lights

When: Nov. 28—Dec. 25 (For scheduled hours visit www.portlandraceway.com) Where: Portland International Raceway 1940 N. Victory Blvd., Portland, Ore. 97217

The Portland International Raceway invites you to take a trip through the largest drive-through light display in the Northwest. For your listening pleasure a radio station fashioned specially for the drive is also available so that you can really get into the holiday spirit. Prices vary depending on what is going on at the track, so check the website for more information about this. If you are not into a drive-through holiday be sure to check out PIR’s dog walk and other holiday events.

Christmas Ship Parade

When: Dec. 6–21 Where: The Columbia and Willamette Rivers (Visit www.christmasships.org for full schedule and parade routes.)

For 59 years two fleets of ships have paraded up and down the Columbia and Willamette rivers decorated in full Christmas fashion to the delight of onlookers. Between 55 and 60 ships between each fleet will be lit up and ready to be viewed from many places along the rivers or a variety of restaurants and hotels along the route. This is a great opportunity to view Christmas lights for free and to be able to stay in one spot while they come to you.

Director Park Menorah Lighting When: Nov. 28 5:30 p.m.

Where: Director Park 815 S.W. Park Ave., Portland, Ore. 97205

What about Hanukkah, right? Well, Director Park is a great place to celebrate the season with a menorah lighting ceremony that has been a tradition for 30 years. The lighting will take

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When: Visit the Queen Anne Victorian Mansion on Facebook for a full schedule.

Where: 1441 N. McClellan St., Portland, Ore. 97217 Every year the Queen Anne Victorian Mansion in North Portland celebrates the holiday season with the “Miracle of a Million Lights,” an event that invites visitors to tour the 2.5acre grounds and enjoy the festive atmosphere. The mansion itself will be open for tours as well, and a cafe featuring holiday treats will be running during tour hours. Tours of the grounds and mansion are $6 for adults and $3 for students and seniors.

Children under the age of 5 will be admitted free of charge.

Peacock Lane

When: Dec. 15—31 (Times vary, visit www.peacocklane.net for more scheduling information.)

Where: Between SE Stark St. and SE Belmont St. and one block east of SE 39th.

Since the 1920s the residents of Peacock Lane have been coming together to decorate their houses in spectacular holiday fashion. Take a walk down the street and take in the sights, and be sure to grab some free hot chocolate from one of the stands along the way. Certain days allow vehicles while others are for pedestrians only. Be sure to check the website for more information about this and to find out how you can rent a horse-drawn carriage for your visit. Peacock Lane is always free, and everyone is welcome.

Pioneer Square Tree Lighting

When: Nov. 29 5:30 p.m.

Where: Pioneer Courthouse Square 701 S.W. 6th Ave., Portland, Ore. 97204

Thousands of Portlanders flock to Pioneer Square every year to be a part of the tree-lighting ceremony. The cel-

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ebration begins with a holiday sing-along featuring Thomas Lauderdale with members of Pink Martini, “Oregon’s Own” 234th Army Band, the Pacific Youth Choir and many more special guests. It will conclude with the lighting of the 75-foot tree. This event is free and open to people of all ages, but be sure to get there a little bit early. It can get extremely crowded extremely quickly. If you want to avoid the crowds, the tree will be up in the square and lit up nightly through the season.

Christmas Festival of Lights

When: Nov. 29–Dec. 30 5–10 p.m.

Where: The Grotto 8840 N.E. Skidmore St., Portland, Ore. 97220

If Christmas is your thing, the Grotto is a great place to start your tour of holiday light displays. The grounds are made up of beautiful garden features that are decorated with over 500,000 lights to provide a dazzling walk-through experience. Visitors can also expect to see choral performances, a petting zoo, carolers and puppet shows. Delicious holiday food and drink options will also be available, as will access to the Grotto’s chapel, where five indoor concerts will take place each night. Admission is $9 per adult, $8 for those 65 and older and $4 for children ages 3–12. Children 2 years of age and under can enjoy the festivities free of charge.

Zoo Lights

When: Nov. 29—Jan. 5 5—8 p.m. Sunday—Thursdays 5—8:30 p.m. Friday—Saturday Where: The Oregon Zoo 4001 S.W. Canyon Rd., Portland, Ore. 97221 The Oregon Zoo has been celebrating the holidays with zoo lights for years, making this event a true Portland tradition.

This year, however, the tradition will be altered slightly due to the temporary shutdown of the zoo train for route alterations.

Instead of taking a ride through the zoo, visitors are allowed to walk the grounds through more light displays than ever before and to stop in at the Cascade Grill to try the special holiday menu or pick up some hot chocolate for the walk. Admission is $10 for adults, $8.50 for seniors (age 65 and over) and $7 for anyone between the ages of 3 and 11. Children 2 years of age and younger will be admitted for free.

HOLIDAY GUIDE THE OREGON ZOO LIGHTS have been illuminating Christmas for over 25 years.

©TODD KULESZA

STROLL DOWN PEACOCK LANE and marvel at the homes decked out in full holiday regalia.

GET A LOAD OF THIS SHIP! The Christmas parade lights up Portland’s waterways.

SEAN BUCKNAM/PSU VANGUARD

©STEVEN LANE/COLUMBIAN FILES

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HOLIDAY GUIDE

A simulacrum in a pear tree Fake it till you make it when it comes to holiday cheer Joshua Benson “Christmas isn’t about presents,” never sat well with me. Even as a 7-year-old with dreams of PlayStations dancing in my head, I recognized that, sure, Christmas isn’t all about presents, but it is in part. Now at 24, an age where mothers stop even paying attention to the obligatory Christmas list they ask you to email them, I’m still not so sure that Christmas and other holidays aren’t largely about the stuff.

The stuff doesn’t necessarily mean presents, either. I’m sorry to tell this to festive parents attempting to raise super-children with no interest in material goods, but the mistletoe, latkes, ornaments, trees, dreidels and replicated nativities also commercialize and signify the holidays. I think that’s wonderful!

In the 1970s and 1980s, this guy Jean Baudrillard developed a theory of simulacra. The idea is that things in the world once represented reality. Then these representational things started to stand in for reality, and subsequent things started to represent the representational things. The best example I’ve heard is the 20th-century American front lawn. The American front lawn, at some point, became a more or less homogenous composite representation of “the front lawn”—basically the image of a square of short grass, a paved walkway, flowers, shrubbery and, perhaps, a fake flamingo. This idea of “the front lawn” now stands in for the original reality of the front lawn and is what other front lawns are copied against. A symbol like “the front lawn” that supplants reality’s representational role is a simulacrum.

Another case of simulacrum is the modern holiday. Instead of recognizing the pure truth of holidays—in this case, a sense of humanity, cheer and honor—we see holidays symbolically, like when we hear “Little Drummer Boy” playing lamely in the local 7-Eleven or see the dreadful giant Menorahs and lit pine trees they put in city parks. This is doubly true for college students, who spend the days leading up to the holidays away from hearth and home. They are, more often than not, actually surprised by simulations signaling the approaching holidays.

I think holiday cheer dissipates when one is farther away from home or tradition. Not to mention, at the risk of sounding like a “back in my day” guy, we’re prone to looking at our

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THREE FRENCH HENS, two turtle doves, and a Pinnochio in a pear tree.

CHRISTOPHER PERALTA/PSU VANGUARD

phones and feeling self-conscious in the Internet Age. This makes us less interested in holiday behavior like carrying on a jovial conversation with the person in front of us, dancing and singing to “Rockin’ Around the Christmas Tree” or sipping eggnog in the company of our insufferable relatives.

However, if we’re not interested in human interaction and actual experience, we’re still interested in materialistic spectacle. The more we can pretend to be excited about something by exploiting ostentatious stuff, the better. Nothing provides a more fertile plain for this sort of exploitative behavior than the holidays, where holiday simulacra have already been massproduced and may be purchased at Target. I say we go for it.

In the case of the contemporary holiday, I think simulacra provide a nostalgic link back to a very real experience. For example, “the front lawn” reminds us of a carefree childhood, so we act carefree. By the same token, stringing our dorm

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rooms with icicle lights, lighting the Menorah’s nine candles diligently or baking a fruitcake can trick us into nostalgia that begets holiday spirit. In other words, we can move back down the chain of simulacra to the origin of reality.

It’s a small thing, but I watch Love Actually after Thanksgiving dinner every year. I try to decorate whatever godforsaken space I’m occupying during the holiday season. I give all the homeless some coin (which, in this city, will ruin me this year).

These little symbols of love, festivity and giving are initially simulations. However, this simulated “stuff” eventually fabricates real feelings. If I was simulating before, I’m not when I get that strange feeling below my ribs as I read the words “to me you are perfect,” sit in a bedroom revivified by decorations or make a homeless man jolly. Sure, it requires a little bit of faking it, but honestly, who doesn’t want to fool themselves into peace on earth and goodwill toward people?

HEATHER WILSON/PSU VANGUARD

Make-ahead mason jars Heather Wilson

Mason jars are the miracle of busy cooks. They’re cheap, easy to clean and can go from freezer to oven and straight to the table. They make elegant serving dishes and great wine glasses. There is a Mason jar for every occasion.

If you’d rather spend your holiday relaxing and watching the game, you can make your holiday dishes the weekend before and freeze them in Mason jars. That means no prep time, no mess and easy clean-up. The best part of this holiday meal is that you can cook and serve everything straight out of the jar.

You will need half-pint widemouthed Mason jars with matching caps and rings.

Make sure you buy actual Mason jars, because they are made to withstand the heat of cooking without breaking.

To serve what you make, put everything in the refrigerator to thaw the night before. When you’re ready to eat, uncap all the jars and put them on a cookie sheet in a cold oven. Turn the oven on to 350 F degrees and bake for 20–30 minutes. Remove jars from the oven, grab a fork and eat straight out of the jar.

Semi-homemade stuffing Ingredients: 1 teaspoon olive oil 1/2 small onion, coarsely chopped 1 stalk celery, coarsely chopped 1/2 small apple, peeled, cored and coarsely chopped 1/4 cup maple syrup 1 box of stuffing 1 and 1/4 cup water 1/4 cup margarine or butter

** ** ** ** ** ** ** ** ** ** ** **

In a large saucepan over medium heat, saute olive oil, onion and celery for 5 minutes. Add apple and garlic, saute 5 more minutes. Add water, margarine and maple syrup. Turn heat to high and bring to boil. Remove from heat and stir in stuffing mix.

Fluff with a fork. Spoon into Mason jars, cap and freeze.

Turkey breast pinwheels Ingredients: 2 turkey breast tenders 2 tablespoons sun-dried tomatoes, diced 2 large pieces prosciutto 3 ounces goat cheese Salt and pepper

** ** ** ** **

Put turkey breast tenders

between two pieces of plastic wrap. Gently pound until flat.

Sprinkle with salt, pepper and olive oil. Cover each turkey tender with 1 piece of prosciutto, 1 tablespoon of sun-dried tomatoes and 1/2 ounce of goat cheese. Starting on one end, roll into a pinwheel. Freeze in individual Mason jars.

Seriously good green bean casserole Ingredients: 1 can green beans, drained 1/2 can condensed cream of mushroom soup 1/2 can condensed cream of chicken soup 1/2 cup shredded cheddar or jack cheese Salt and pepper to taste Reserve for topping: 1/4 cup french fried onions Mix first 5 ingredients in a bowl. Fold in 1/4 cup of french-fried onions.

Fill Mason jars and freeze.

When preparing, top with french-fried onions halfway through cooking.

** ** ** ** ** ** **

Easy as apple pie Ingredients: Refrigerated ready-rolled pie crust 2 small apples, peeled, cored and thinly sliced 2 tablespoons sugar

** ** ** **

teaspoon cinnamon **1/2 1 tablespoon margarine ** Unroll pie crust. Use Mason

jar ring to cut out four rounds.

Line bottom of two Mason jars with crust. Toss remaining ingredients together in a bowl until apples are evenly coated.

Divide apple mix evenly between two jars. Place remaining rounds on top and tuck edges of crust under rim. Cut a small X in the top crust. Dot with margarine and sprinkle with sugar.

The easy vegan quick pumpkin ddition Ingredients: 1 small pumpkin or acorn squash semi-homemade stuffing 1 can kidney beans, rinsed and drained 1/4 cup chopped pecans Olive oil Salt and pepper

** ** ** ** ** ** Cut top off pumpkin and

scoop out seeds. Lightly coat inside of pumpkin with olive oil, then sprinkle with salt and pepper. Place cut-side down in a microwave-safe baking dish. Add just enough water to cover the bottom of dish. Microwave 8–10 minutes, or until tender and easily pierced with knife. Mix stuffing, beans and pecans together and warm in microwave. Remove from microwave and scoop stuffing into pumpkin.

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HOLIDAY GUIDE

Handmade holidays: your DIY guide

KAYLA NGUYEN/PSU VANGUARD

Stephanie Tshappat and Ashley Rask When you’re a busy college student, it’s hard to find the time to find the perfect holiday present for each special person in your life. It also doesn’t help that you’ve been eating ramen for a month to afford said presents (or that you spent the rest of your money on that Game of Thrones box set—oops). Here we’ve compiled a list of cheap and easy do-it-yourself presents that you can throw together at the last minute. Break the holiday norm without breaking the bank this year.

No-sew fringe infinity scarf Materials: T-shirt you’re willing to part with Scissors

** **

First take any T-shirt you’re willing to cut up, or purchase a cheap one from Goodwill or Jo-Ann Fabrics. Cut and remove the top part of the T-shirt by cutting straight across, below both sleeves. Toss the top part aside—you won’t need that

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anymore. On the side you just cut, slice inch-wide strips to about halfway up the shirt, making a fringe. Finish by pulling each strip to stretch it out. Final step: Try it on and consider your calling as a future fashion designer.

Homemade bow ties Materials: Fabric of your choosing Strip of elastic (most craft stores have small rolls for less than $2) Velcro Hot glue gun Recommended: iron

** ** ** ** ** ** ** Everyone

knows that “bow ties are cool” (thanks, Eleven), so why not bask in the coolness of hip neckwear with your friends? First cut a 9-by-5-inch piece of your fabric of choice. Then cut out a 2-inch-wide strip of fabric.

Make the length relatively long so you can trim off extra later. Set this piece aside.

Iron the rectangular piece of fabric so it’s completely flat, without any creases or wrinkles. Then, folding hot dog style, fold each side up 1 inch and iron down so the folds stay in place. Next, folding hamburger style, fold each side equally until the fabric

meets in the middle, overlapping by about a centimeter.

For those with sewing skills, sew a running stitch straight on top of the two overlapping pieces. If you’re not sewing-savvy, hot glue a thin strip of glue between the two overlapping pieces.

Once the glue has cooled, pinch the middle part together to form a bow shape.

Grab the longer strip of fabric that you set aside earlier and fold it in half, hot dog style. Wrap twice around the middle of the bow to hold the bow together.

Next, stitch or hot glue the long strip in the center of your bow tie. Cut off the extra fabric of long strip. Take your strip of elastic and measure out 10–12 inches. (You’re estimating the size of the recipients neck. Or you can just ask them.) Glue the direct center of it in the middle of the bow. Cut out 2-inch pieces of Velcro and glue to the ends of elastic.

You can also make this into a hair bow by gluing the bow to a barrette instead of a strip of elastic.

Candy cane sugar scrub This recipe makes enough scrub to fill six 1/2 pint Mason

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jars. Everyone loves Mason jars now, and they’re the perfect containers for gifts like this. Plus, you can make them festive with ribbons, bows and paper gift tags—wherever your creativity takes you!

Ingredients: 5 cups granulated white sugar 1/3 cup olive oil 2 cups coconut oil (Pure, unrefined coconut oil works best—make sure there are no additives in it.

This is available at stores like New Seasons Market.)

1 1/2 teaspoon pure peppermint extract Food grade gel food coloring

** ** **

** **

To melt the coconut oil, measure it out in a microwave-safe bowl and heat it in the microwave for 30 seconds at a time. Once the oil is melted, add the olive oil and peppermint extract.

Stir to combine these ingredients. Next, add the sugar, mixing until there is no dry sugar left.

And that’s it! Your scrub is done! To get the candy cane effect, do the following: Separate the scrub mixture into halves in separate bowls.

Mix in the food coloring into one bowl of scrub until the color is consistent. For the traditional candy cane look, use red in one half and leave the other half white. If you prefer the tropical candy canes, try blue food coloring in one bowl and green in the other. Then just layer the scrub into the Mason jar, alternating colors until you reach a 1-inch headspace at the top. Wipe the mouth of the jar.

Add the lid and band, and huzzah! Your spa scrub is finished!

(Adapted from jacolynmurphy.com/2011/12/oh-sugarsecrets-of-scrub.html.)

Super easy DIY lotion Nothing goes with a body

scrub better than a super moisturizing lotion, and this DIY lotion recipe is simple and easy! Plus, it uses the one of the ingredients you already have on hand from making the sugar scrub: coconut oil.

Ingredients: 16 ounces baby lotion 8 ounces coconut oil or petroleum jelly 8 ounces vitamin E cream

** ** **

Measure out all three ingredients into a mixing bowl.

Using a kitchen mixer, beat all ingredients until they’re light and fluffy.

That’s it! Essential oils can be added to give the lotion the scent of your choice. Pour the lotion into a Mason jar until you reach a 1-inch headspace at the top. Put on the lid and band and decorate!

(Adapted from latina.com/ beauty/makeup/diy-beautyproducts?slide=2#axzz2kqri SuXT.)

HOLIDAY GUIDE

DIY holiday decorations Karisa Cleary

Whether you’re living in a dorm, at home with family or elsewhere, it’s hard to get in the holiday spirit without the right decorations.

Shopping for decorations can be fun, but also quite detrimental to a bank account. One cheap alternative is do-it-yourself, although the majority of the time it seems impossible to actually create decorations impressive enough to put on display in your own home.

Here are five easy and inexpensive exceptions to those seemingly difficult DIY decorations that will be worthy of showing off. Be sure to include eggnog and some favorite holiday tunes while crafting.

Ornament Garland Materials: Ornaments with closed loop hangers—a lot of them!

One roll of thin ribbon

** **

This project is simple; just string the ornaments on the ribbon, tying a knot around the first and last ornaments. Eventually they’ll start to form a bubbly shape.

Take your candle and a piece of burlap large enough to wrap all the way around the candle. The burlap frays and is more flexible once you have washed it with some fabric softener. Then take the ribbon, wrap it around the burlap and tie it in a bow. Voila!

Cinnamon Dough Ornaments

Cinnamon Candles

Materials: Wax paper 1 cup cinnamon 1/4 cup glue (school glue works great) 3/4 cup applesauce Optional: 1/2 cup glitter

For this project there’s an option to use either the same round candles as used in the Christmas Candle craft, or glass candle holders that are plentiful at the Dollar Tree.

Materials: Candles or candle holders Whole cinnamon sticks Craft glue or a hot glue gun

** ** **

The only step is to glue the cinnamon sticks vertically to the chosen medium, all the way around. This is a great project to add your own personal touch to by simply tying ribbon around it, using colored candles, etc.

Here’s another decoration to customize that’s also very child-friendly.

** ** ** ** **

Mix and knead the ingredients, then roll the dough out flat.

From here, this DIY decoration can be taken in any direction.

Use cookie cutters to make trees, stars, gingerbread men or any other desired shape. You can also cut a circle and imprint a little hand print onto your ornament.

Once the dough is shaped and styled, poke a hole somewhere near the top so ribbon can be strung through it later on for hanging. No baking necessary—let the dough dry on wax paper.

Melted Snowman Ornament The possibilities are pretty much endless with those clear plastic or glass crafting ornaments. Pouring paint or glitter glue into them or filling them with shredded paper are quick and easy ways to make one-of-a-kind ornaments, or even for crafting with a child.

Materials: Clear plastic or glass ornament Scarf: one piece of ribbon or fabric cut into a rectangle Eyes: two whole peppercorns Snow: kosher salt Hat and nose: black and orange construction paper or modeling clay Arms: two tiny twigs Craft glue or a hot glue gun

** ** ** ** ** ** **

Use a funnel to pour your desired amount of salt, or “melted snow,” into the empty ornament.

Next, glue on the rest of the materials in any order. And that’s it!

Christmas Candles All it takes is a little burlap and red or green ribbon to turn ordinary white candles into Christmas candles.

Materials: Medium or large sized round candles (not in a jar) Burlap A medium-width ribbon

** ** **

BRITTNEY MUIR/PSU VANGUARD

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HOLIDAY GUIDE

Gifts for the geek in your life (Written by a geek for a geek) Tobin Shields Unless you have the money to upgrade their expensive hardware, buying a gift for the beloved geek in your life can be difficult. Fear not!

Below is the perfect holiday buying guide for pleasing their inner nerd.

You must remember though, not all geeks “geek out” over the same things. If you blindly get them something you think they are interested in, it could either be insulting or a waste of money. Before you go buying, ask yourself the following questions: 1) What is their favorite TV show?

2) Do they play video games?

If so, how? (Online, console, etc.)

3) What kind of phone do they have?

4) Do they believe that they are in a fandom? (i.e. Trekkie, Brony, Whovian, etc.)

Etsy.com For those who have never heard of the website, Etsy is an online marketplace where people buy and sell handmade goods. It has become the central hub for some of the most interesting and unique gifts out there.

Many of the items for sale have to do with some kind of fandom—whether it’s Adventure Time pins or The Legend of Zelda leather wallets, you will most likely find something that special fanboy or girl will absolutely love. Start by typing in their favorite show, video game or fandom,

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then just take a look around!

Get them something that you might enjoy. They will have everything from clothing and accessories to posters and music. Prices can vary depending on what you get them. However, a reasonable spending cap of about $15 can result in one or two very worthwhile gifts.

Invoke your inner geek!

Didn’t see something on Etsy you liked? Make your own gift! Pinterest has hundreds of craft ideas, and many are movie, game or fandom inspired! No good at making things on your own? Go to a custom T-shirt website.

Many also offer services to put images or text on more than just shirts: you can customize bags, umbrellas, Frisbees, magnets and even phone cases! Does the My Little Pony lover in your life have a soft spot for Pinky Pie? Then why not order a tree ornament with her face on it? I can’t tell you how excited I would be if I received that gift. These custom printing sites can be a little pricey, but worth it for a truly unique gift.

Support their addiction Alright, let’s face it, not all geeks are necessarily public about it. But we all have that friend who has spent just a

little too much time playing Farmville or has tried sending you over a dozen requests for lives in Candy Crush Saga.

Many of these games prompt players to spend their own money to play the game, or else they have to wait hours before they can continue playing.

It’s tough to justify spending that money though, because it’s just for a silly game. However, the gift of virtual Facebook cash or a gift card for one of the mobile marketplaces (like Google Play or the Apple Marketplace) can make those long MAX or bus rides far more enjoyable. Usually $10 will get them a stockpile of the rare commodity in their game, and thus hours of entertainment. It can be the perfect stocking stuffer or small gift.

Did their World of Warcraft subscription dry up, and they’re too broke to renew it? Gift them a few extra months of play time.

Many paid online games offer easy-to-use gifting systems and even offer holiday deals or specials. Did they just finish over 100 hours in Skyrim? Then why not offer to get them their choice of extra downloadable content (DLC)? Usually extra additions to games don’t cost any more than $10 to $15 and can be far less expensive than going out and spending $60 on a brand new game.

Remember: Not all geeks are alike, and asking them for ideas or about things they are interested in will result in a much more worthwhile gift.

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©ETSY USER BESTCASE

©ETSY USER ATHENASWINK

HOLIDAY GUIDE

This ain’t your momma’s Christmas movie list Turner Lobey God knows how many hours I’ve spent stuck on the couch watching A Christmas Story, Planes, Trains and Automobiles and How the Grinch Stole Christmas with my family throughout the years. I would always try to escape to the farthest corners of my bedroom, but the snarky cackle of Scut Farkus always found a way to force itself through the cracks around my door and into my head. It was my own hell.

Now, I’m older and free from the tyranny of the classic Christmas movie. This is a new list—a list opposed to everything we grew up watching.

This is a list for every innocent soul who finds themselves stuck in their hundredth rewatch of It’s a Wonderful Life between two mouth-breathing aunts. This is for you, you poor, poor thing. May you find some comfort in these films.

Good luck.

The Star Wars Holiday Special

After the explosive success of Star Wars, some genius had the brilliant idea to make a spinoff that added the one crucial aspect missing from the summer blockbuster: Christmas. Created without much input from creator and director George Lucas, the Holiday Special is the dark stain on the permanent record of Star Wars. Its legacy endures as the most painful face palm moment in franchise history. Lucas even went

so far as to once say, “If I had the time and a sledgehammer, I would track down every copy of that show and smash it.”

In a variety-show format, the story follows Han Solo and Chewbacca to Kashyyk, the Wookie home world, for the annual Life Day celebration. We get introduced to Chewy’s family, Itchy, Malla and Lumpy, as well as fan favorite Boba Fett in his own animated segment. The highlight of this Christmas spectacle is when Princess Leia sings the Star Wars theme song.

With words.

To be honest, it’s all pretty awful. Think Star Wars The Ewok Adventure bad. It’s campy, the acting is terrible and the writing is even worse, but as atrocious as it is, there’s just something to love about it.

Batman Returns

Before the dark ages of Batsuit nipples, Tim Burton helmed two fantastic movies about the Caped Crusader. Michael Keaton stars in his second and final adventure as the Dark Knight in Batman Returns, which pits him against a grotesque and mutated Oswald Copperpot, a.k.a. the Penguin, who rises up from Gotham City’s sewers with an army of the adorable arctic critters he takes his name from.

Batman has to stop the bad guys and save Christmas (or to save the city’s firstborns from drowning in a pool of

toxic waste—however you want to look at it).

If you’re looking to escape the grit of Christopher Nolan’s trilogy for something a little more whimsical, then this is the place to turn. It blends everything we loved about the Golden Age of Detective Comics with classic Burton charm, and the end product is simply joyous.

BRUCE WILLIS crawls through the ventilation ducts of Nakatomi Plaza to save his wife and other hostages in the greatest Christmas movie of all time, ‘Die Hard.’

Gremlins

Randall Peltzer gives his son Billy a little furry Mogwai named Gizmo for Christmas under three conditions: never expose it to sunlight, never get it wet, and, most importantly of all: NEVER FEED IT AFTER MIDNIGHT. Of course, the first thing Billy does is spill water on poor Gizmo, making it multiply into more devious fur balls. The tricksters con Billy into feeding them after midnight, which turns them into evil reptilian monsters. When the little devils get loose, it’s up to Billy and Gizmo to set things right and save the town.

Gremlins is easily the cutest and most light-hearted movie you’ll find on this list. If you want to break away from the monotony of the yearly ABC Family movie marathon with the family, but still want all the classic Christmas charm, this is probably the one for you. Besides, Gizmo is so dang adorable.

©20TH CENTURY FOX

Die Hard

Yipee-ki-yay! What? Were you expecting something different?

All New York cop John McClane wanted was to patch things up with his estranged wife at her work’s Christmas party at Nakatomi Tower. Instead of fixing the relationship over holiday shots and party crackers, twelve terrorists take over the building and McClane has to run and gun his way through fire, glass, explosions and bad guys to save his wife.

Not only is it the best Christmas movie around, it’s everything we love about cheesy, shoot-em up ‘80s action films. While Arnold may be known for some great one-liners, Bruce Willis is king cheese in this one.

And there is something to be said about a Bruce Willis with hair…

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ALAN HERNANDEZ-AGUILAR/PSU VANGUARD

Hardcore football fans Thanksgiving survival guide Joel Gunderson as we settle comfortably into the 21st century, it’s becoming apparent that traditions are becoming a thing of the past.

Good, bad—it doesn’t seem to matter. It’s a fast-paced world, and certain things are being left in the dust.

It has to stop. And the first thing you can do to stop it is watch some football on Thursday.

Some traditions are worth holding onto, they make us who we are. Mom and apple pie can’t just be thrown away to accomodate our fast-paced lifestyles.

I know, it’s common knowledge that most of the country will have the TV on at some point during Thanksgiving, even if the Lions noise is just humming in the background.

But what if we took it a step further and really watched the games?

Impossible, you say? Aunt Betty would never allow it; everyone needs to pitch in and help cook, right? Here’s how you’re going to get your football on Thanksgiving.

Not only will you be serving your own needs, but, let’s be honest, you’ll be saving traditions in America!

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THE PROBLEM: You’re needed in the kitchen.

Ok, this is acceptable. After all, its 2013. If you’re going to be eating, it’s only conceivable that you can help pitch in a little. But this doesn’t have to be a buzz-kill situation. The key, my friend, is communication.

Step one: Locate the person in charge. You’ll know them—they don’t hide on days like Thanksgiving.

The key is that you must do this locating on Wednesday. Find a quiet space, sit them down and tell them you want to help with the feast. Chances are that they’ll be so shocked to hear this that the next three minutes will be a blur.

This is where you pounce.

Explain that Thanksgiving is providing a plethora of entertaining games that the whole family can enjoy, and therefore it would behoove the family to do most of the prep work the night before. This way, not only does the person in charge get the help they desire, it will make their Thanksgiving more enjoyable as well!

Everybody wins, as far as I’m concerned.

A Wednesday night spent peeling potatoes is a good trade off for guilt free game time.

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THE PROBLEM: Your significant other is giving you “The Look.”

The temperature just dropped a few degrees. We all know “The Look,” gentlemen, and quite frankly, it scares the hell out of us.

The Look can take on new meaning when the holidays roll around. To avoid this and stay on the good side of life, it’s important to, again, communicate.

Are there kids in the picture? Perfect. Using your kids as leverage is one of the great advantages of having little ones. About three to four days before Thanksgiving, begin telling the lovely lady in your life how excited you are for her feast, as Thanksgiving is just another opportunity to eat her amazingly delicious food!

When the big day arrives, point out that the kids are being “extra noisy” this morning and volunteer to take them away to give her some peace and quiet. Not only does she get her alone time, but you get bonus points for pitching in.

When the game comes on?

Have the kids sit on your lap, watch the game in peace, then give them 20 bucks apiece for being quiet.

Again, everyone wins.

THE PROBLEM: You’ve survived through the first game, but people are catching on.

This is the classic struggle, man’s all-day needs vs. reality.

Watching one football game in a day is great, but there’s an empty feeling left over, especially now that the NFL has added a third game to the lineup.

You’re beginning to get a little cocky, thinking you have made it through the day sans helping. Then, a shrill sound emanates from the kitchen…

Dishes!

Oh, crap. Just when you thought it was safe to unzip and relax, that dreaded activity strikes again. OK, don’t panic. Chances are you have some things that will help.

DVR. Dishwasher. Kids that are old enough to do dishes.

However, if none of these will suffice, there’s only one other option.

Pour a glass of wine, draw her a bath, tell her to relax for a bit….then do the dishes in a frenetic, mad-dash attempt. If you stay focused, they can be done in five minutes, no matter the amount.

They may not be clean, but hey, by the time they’re discovered tomorrow, who cares? You got through three games of football nearly uninterrupted, and that’s a successful Thanksgiving.

HOLIDAY GUIDE

Surviving your family during the holidays Escape routes and cocktail pairings Caroline McGowan You love your sister but you’re not sure if her husband has any concept of spatial boundaries, your uncle brought home his new “lady friend” with her augmented “personality,” your mom was guilted into inviting her co-worker Debbie Downer, and all of a sudden the decked halls of your living room have become the chamber walls to the dungeon of family festivity.

Ahh, the holidays! A time to love and cherish those with whom you share DNA and forcefully tolerate their plus-ones.

Fear not, victim of sibling matrimony; this year is going to be different. With a little planning and enough spiked eggnog, there is a way you can find solace in the doldrums of holidays with the in-laws.

First you must ask yourself, on a scale of one to 10, how intolerable is the situation at hand?

1–3: Extreme Holiday Redecoration The premise: You are now a stealth Ty Pennington, and

©HUNGRY COUPLE

you are about to recreate your mother’s winter wonderland in the style that fits your holiday cheer. The object of the game is to move all of the trinkets, table ornaments and other “decorative” items so that the dungeon of family festivity is entirely rearranged by the time the sun sets.

The stakes: For every time you are asked about why you are moving an object, you must either a) take a drink of your beverage or b) ask to hear a story you’ve already heard. If granted the luxury of one tolerable and equally mischievous cousin or sibling, consider inviting them to join and increase the competition.

Please note: Items are not limited by size, nor are they considered “moved” if they are less than a foot from their original placement. This game is best for those with high tolerance levels, because necessary mobility will undoubtedly result in conversations with all guests.

Cocktail pairing: Spiked eggnog. You’ll be doing a lot of socializing, so consider a slow-sipper.

Ingredients: 4 ounce eggnog 1/2 ounce cognac 1/2 ounce bourbon Garnish: dash of nutmeg

** ** ** **

4–6: The Sym-PHONE-y Strategy What you will need: A smart phone The phone numbers of guests Keen knowledge of conversation timing

** ** **

Prior to the event, acquire the phone numbers of guests attending. Be the first to arrive so that you can greet them as they arrive and take their jackets. With your gracious gesture, lightly suggest where they should go in the room (e.g.

“Make yourself at home on the couch. I can’t wait to catch up!”). Once all of the guests are in place, excuse yourself to the restroom. On your smartphone, quickly input their phone numbers in a sequential order to “Phonemyphone. com,” a website that will schedule electronic phone calls at selected times. Factor in uneven

intervals of less than 5 minutes per conversation, and just as they begin to ask how your love life is going, their phone will ring. At this moment you will say, “Oh shoot! I’ll let you get that. We have all afternoon to chat,” before moving on to the next conversation or sneaking off to the kitchen for a delicious diversion.

Cocktail pairing: Spanish coffee. This one takes some effort, so you will have more tending bar to concentrate on and less conversation.

Ingredients and tools: 3/4 ounce 151-proof rum 1/2 ounce triple sec 2 ounce Kahlua 3 ounce freshly brewed coffee Orange slice Sugar for rim Whipped cream Dash of cinnamon and nutmeg Lighter or matches

** ** ** ** ** ** ** ** **

Using your orange slice, coat the rim in fruit juice and place glass face down in sugar so as to use the rim of juice as sugar adhesive. Add the rum and the

triple sec to the sugar-rimmed glass and light it on fire. Add Kahlua (which should put out the flame) and top with hot coffee. Garnish with whipped cream and a dash of cinnamon and nutmeg.

7–10: Stop, Drop and Role Play What you’ll need: A paid actor or hunky friend A fireman’s suit (for added effect) Ideally, a room with only one major exit

** ** ** ** **

After you have made it through all of the important activities—presents, feasting and possibly acquiring a light buzz—you will have completed your holiday mission.

You may feel trapped in the house, so you will need some air. Open a window within earshot of an external hiding place and give a cue such as, “What a beautiful day!”

Listen for a pre-planned birdcall, then resume your place near the front door.

All of a sudden everyone will hear a strong rapping at the

door, and you will be there to answer it, bewildered and frightened to see a fireman in full garb. You will let him in and he will announce he is the local fire marshal. He will say that in order to prevent holiday accidents, the fire department is making its way through the neighborhood in a fire safety campaign. After all, the holidays are one of the most dangerous times when it comes to accidents.

It is with a heavy heart that he must request a couple of you to evacuate the premises at once due to overcapacity. You will put your hand on your heart, profusely thank the “marshal” for saving your lives and quickly volunteer to take one for the team by leaving. After all, the holidays are a great time for new blockbuster movies. Cha-ching!

Cocktail pairing: Peppermint patty shot. Better booze up quickly, because you won’t be hanging around long.

Ingredients : 1 ounce peppermint schnapps 1 ounce chocolate milk 1 squirt of chocolate syrup

** ** **

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HOLIDAY GUIDE

A retail employee’s holiday survival guide RaChelle Schmidt With the holidays quickly approaching, many students find themselves working in a variety of retail jobs in order to earn extra money. Extended store hours and increased business means that there are a lot of opportunities for work.

Although it is a great way for students to earn money, retail work can be physically and mentally demanding. When not handled properly, it can actually deplete your enjoyment of the season. Here are some tips to help you make it through the season as a retail worker.

1. Eat right, exercise and get plenty of sleep.

This may sound like an annoying soundbite from your mother, but it’s true. When you are dealing with long hours on your feet, huge crowds and the overall assault on your senses that comes with the holidays, it is important to take good care of yourself or you will find your energy reserves quickly depleted.

Try to avoid mall food and find a healthier option, exercise regularly to reduce built-up tension, and while no one is saying that you have to skip the many holiday parties that are on your social calendar, it is a good idea to make it an early night on evenings when you have to work the next day in order to be well-rested for the day ahead.

4. Avoid engaging in debates with customers.

This is an offshoot of the prior tip, but it is worth noting, because at some point a customer is going to come to you with a ludicrous claim that, in their opinion, is worthy of a full federal investigation of your store and perhaps even of you personally. Usually the offensive act is something to the effect of a regular price sweater having been moved to a table with fishing poles that are marked at 80 percent off, and now the customer is demanding the fishing pole discount for the sweater.

It can be tempting to engage with the angry customer in order to get them to see the error in their claims, but don’t do it. It is actually better for your sanity and blood pressure to sell a sweater at a fishing pole price and have a satisfied customer than to “win” the argument and have your customer leave unhappy.

5. Bond with your co-workers.

When it comes to working in retail over the holidays, no one can fully understand what you are going through quite like other people who are going through the same thing. Although

it will probably happen organically, take the time to get to know the people working around you. It’s a great opportunity to give and receive much-needed moral support.

6. Never lose your sense of humor.

A good sense of humor is the one thing that will get you through the craziness that comes with being a retail employee during the holidays. Although you may find the crowds, noise and stress hard to deal with at the time, all of these things make for great stories later over eggnog or hot toddies with loved ones.

If you are a retail employee, it is important to remember that there is very little that can be done to change the circumstances of the average work day. There will always be crowds; there will always be a fair amount of angry or upset customers. The key to surviving the holidays in retail is to take care of yourself and prepare yourself for each day. Remember, it is only a few weeks out of the year. What seems stressful today will fade into a memory very quickly if you have the right attitude.

2. Wear sensible shoes.

If you are working in retail, you are guaranteed to spend all of your working hours on your feet. Unfortunately, if you wear those fabulous stiletto boots you just bought, as gorgeous as the boots are, your feet will not make it past your first break.

Invest in some cute flats or at least low-heeled shoes for work, and save the stilettos for the holiday parties.

3. Don’t take anything personally.

If you work in retail, especially over the holidays, you can expect to get yelled at at some point. It’s that simple. The stated point of the customer’s anger may be real, imagined, justified or nonsensical. The key is to remember that “the customer is always right,” which, of course, can be pretty hard when the customer is actually dead wrong but yelling anyway. Just remember that its more than likely they are yelling at the situation, not you. Let them vent, try to help them, and if you can’t help them, get a manager and move on.

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BRITTNEY MUIR/PSU VANGUARD

HOLIDAY GUIDE

Three helpings of football on turkey day

A casual fan’s guide to getting through this year’s games.

Ryan Spilsbury The big day is approaching. Turkeys are being plumped and prepped while plans are being put together for family and friends to spend all day with each other, whether they want to or not. Thanksgiving is one of the most beloved and important holidays in our country.

Laced with historical context and overtones of goodwill and fellowship, it is an opportunity for us all to be thankful for what we have in life. However, for all the fuss over food and awkward family gatherings, there is another element to Thanksgiving Day that can have a polarizing effect on families…ARE YOU READY FOR SOME FOOTBALL? The age-old tradition of large feasts and family first met its match nearly 100 years ago. The National Football League seized the opportunity to provide a source of entertainment (or distraction) for families who gather on Thanksgiving by scheduling games on the big day. Traditionally, the Detroit Lions and Dallas Cowboys are hosts, while a third game was added to

MILES SANGUINETTI/PSU VANGUARD

the schedule in 2006. These games have produced many thrilling contests over the years, and at this late stage of the season, they often help shape division outcomes and playoff pictures.

This year’s games feature three teams still in contention for the playoffs and three others whose seasons are floundering, but who still can shake up the outcome of their divisions. First, we have the morning game at 9:30 a.m. between the Detroit Lions and Green Bay Packers. These NFC North division rivals are two of the oldest franchises in the NFL, and both are still fighting for a chance to get to the playoffs.

Detroit currently leads the division at 6–5 while Green Bay is only one and a half game back at 5–5–1. This is obviously a big opportunity for both teams to set themselves up for a playoff run in what is becoming one of the fiercest divisional battles in the NFL, especially since the Chicago Bears are also 6–4 and in the NFC North. Prediction: Detroit wins at home and takes control of the division; final score: Detroit 28, Green Bay 24.

The next game takes place at 1:30 p.m. and will be played by the Dallas Cowboys and Oakland Raiders.

Oakland is essentially out of the running for the playoffs at 4–7 with division leaders Kansas City and Denver both at 9–2, but Dallas still has a chance, holding on to a 6–5 record in a very weak NFC East division. Oakland has proven to be a dangerous team at times, and Dallas has proven to be vulnerable to such teams all season long.

However, this is Dallas’ tradition and they boast a winning record on Thanksgiving Day. Prediction: Dallas takes a step forward toward the playoffs; final score: Dallas 31, Oakland 17.

The final game kicks off at 5:30 p.m. This is the one that always causes problems.

Whoever has been cooking all day is usually just about finished by now and is ready to feed their guests. But for some, football is just as good as turkey, stuffing, mashed potatoes, cranberries, green beans, croissants and gravy.

There may be a struggle to distract the sports fans

from the television and get them into the dining room for quality conversation and endless eats. Thankfully, this year’s evening game features two teams that aren’t doing so well.

The Baltimore Ravens, last year’s Superbowl winners, host the Pittsburgh Steelers. This is another pair of division rivals who have had many heated battles in the past, but this year just hasn’t gone their way.

Both teams have underachieved so far at 5–6, and are all but eliminated from the playoffs. This is good news for those who wish to

shut off the TV for the night and enjoy the company of their families and friends, because it will probably be easy to do so. After a day filled with football, the fans in your house will feel slightly underwhelmed at the prospect of watching these two teams, and most will certainly be eager to strap on the feedbag. However, there is always the chance that football still reigns supreme to some. This is a notion that must be accepted as a part of Thanksgiving Day festivities, especially if you are hosting anyone who is a fan of either team. The

game will be broadcast nationally no matter what, and there will be people interested in all areas of the country.

Prediction: Baltimore shows some of its mettle from last year’s championship effort and thwarts Pittsburgh; Baltimore 34, Pittsburgh 13.

Whether you like it or not, football has become part of the Thanksgiving tradition.

That being said, there is always room for everyone at the table, and let’s not forget what the holidays are all about. So here’s to a Thanksgiving full of great food, good company and, yes, a few games of football.

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HOLIDAY GUIDE

A dorm room Thanksgiving feast Put minimal effort into your holiday meal Emily Herrera Celebrating Thanksgiving away from your family in a dorm room or an apartment can turn into either an excuse to order a five-course meal of Chinese takeout or a chance to prove to everyone that you’re capable of making a meal for yourself.

As a college student, you have a free pass to put minimal effort into cooking. Even with this mentality, you can create a passable Thanksgiving meal for yourself. The main goal is to have an entree other than popcorn and buttered toast a la Charlie Brown. This means canned fruit, marshmallows and other things that “real” cooks look down on. For those without ovens, microwaves are capable of more than you’d think. The recipes below are low-effort and can be made with very little culinary skill. You’ll just need some basic kitchen gear, like measuring cups (or one graduated measuring cup) and a pan.

It can even be one of the cheap aluminum ones that cost a few dollars at the grocery store.

Mashed potatoes Mashed potatoes are arguably the most important part of a Thanksgiving meal, aside from the turkey or other meat items.

They’re also very easy to make. With this recipe, depending on the amount of effort you want to put in, you could have some nice baked potatoes to bathe in gravy or, if you’re willing to pull out a fork and mash some peeled potatoes, you could have an authentic, creamy mashed potato experience.

Ingredients:

**41/2potatoes cup milk **1 tablespoon of butter **Salt and pepper **

Peel and chop the potatoes, then microwave them for 10 minutes on high power. After this, they should be soft. Next heat the milk and butter in a saucepan until the butter has melted evenly into the milk. Pour the mixture into the potatoes and mash until they reach an even consistency, or until they reach the level of chunkiness that appeals to you most. Add salt and pepper liberally.

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Pumpkin cake As a citizen of the 21st century, it’s your right to use boxed cake mix, and it’s a right you should exercise. Pies are difficult to make, but cake is internationally celebrated for being very easy to cook. Pumpkin cake can be a festive, less traditional alternative to pie.

Ingredients: spice cake mix **Boxed 16 ounce can of pumpkin **1/2 cup oil **1 cup water **Optional: 3 eggs, cinnamon, nutmeg, pumpkin pie spice **

Oven instructions: Follow the instructions on the box for making the cake. The oil, eggs and water should all go in a bowl with the cake mix. If you don’t have eggs, it’s not an issue; pumpkin is often used as an egg replacement. Otherwise, it’s fine to use both. Add any extra spices you might want to add. Extra cinnamon and pumpkin pie spice go well with this and make it taste extra seasonal. After this, add the can of pumpkin to the mix. Pour the mix into a pan and bake for about 30 minutes at 350 degrees. Exercise superhuman self-control by letting it cool before eating.

Microwave instructions: Skip the eggs. This is a cup-sized recipe. Take 3 tablespoons of cake mix and mix in a mug or small bowl with 1 tablespoon of pumpkin and two tablespoons of water. Microwave for 1 minute and 30 seconds. Let sit for about 10minutes. Repeat until you’ve finished the box or you’re sick of pumpkin cake.

Candied yams This sugary pseudo-casserole is the easiest thing to bring to a family dinner if you aren’t domestically inclined. It’s even aesthetically pleasing, with crisped marshmallows on top.

Most grocery stores sell canned yams in light syrup. The syrup is important, giving your yams a sweet, dessert-like flavor.

Cinnamon and cloves are encouraged, but not necessary. The

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JOSE-DAVID JACOBO/PSU VANGUARD

marshmallows are instrumental in turning it into something classifiable as a dessert.

Ingredients: can yams in light syrup **11 large package mini marshmallows **(can be used later for hot chocolate or other holiday foods) **1/3 cup brown sugar **Optional but highly recommended: cinnamon, cloves, **and/or nutmeg Drain most of the syrup from the can—you can leave a little for flavor and moisture. Pour the yams in the pan. Mix some spices in to taste. Sprinkle some brown sugar over the yams and arrange the marshmallows on top. Make sure the yam layer is entirely obscured by the marshmallows. Bake for 25 minutes at 350 degrees, or microwave on high for 7 minutes.

If your microwave has especially low wattage, you may want to add a few minutes to the time. The marshmallows should be melted. The microwave won’t crisp the marshmallows as well as an oven will, but your food will be cooked.

HOLIDAY GUIDE

Affordable holiday cocktails Christmas cheer comes in warm mugs Jesse Tomaino The year-end holidays are a wonderful time when we have the opportunity to celebrate the things and people that are important in our lives. It’s one of the only times of the year that most people make the effort to spend time with their families, and that means one thing: Serious drinking. Whether you are looking for a way to enjoy holiday time with or in spite of your family, here are a few festive and affordable cocktail recipes that will put a rosy glow in your cheeks for the season.

Candy Cane Rimmed Chocolate Martini Ingredients vodka—any kind **2willounces do; all you are going to taste is chocolate and peppermint 2 ounces Irish cream liqueur, such as Baileys or Carolans 1 ounce chocolate syrup

** **

Margaritas with salt on the rim are familiar to just about everyone, but there are tons of

things you can crush and put on the edge of a glass to add an additional component to a fancy beverage. Chop the candy cane as fine as you can and use a stripe of chocolate syrup on the outside rim of the glass to hold the resultant delicious pink powder in place. For extra credit—and chocolate—spiral some chocolate syrup around the inside of the glass as well.

Once you have the glasses prepared, chill the ingredients in a cocktail shaker and strain into your beautiful glass. It may be a cold drink, but one or two will warm you right up.

©SARAH KAISER

Christmas Coffee Ingredients

** **

6 ounces coffee 1 1/2 ounces Irish whiskey, such as Jameson, Bushmills or Tullamore Dew 1 ounce Irish cream liqueur, such as Baileys or Carolans

**

This is one of the few times of year that daytime drinking is less frowned upon—relatives everywhere, remember? To get your morning

started off with plenty of yuletide spirit, try one of these special coffees. They’ll get you through a morning of watching spoiled children open presents with your good mood intact.

Prepare the whipped cream ahead of time by mixing a little peppermint extract with whipped cream, or shell out a few dollars for the pre-made variety. Microwave an empty mug for 30 seconds to warm it, then add the coffee and alcohol and top with whipped cream.

Hot Buttered Rum Snuggie This recipe requires you to spend a few dollars to make a batch of the mixture, but it keeps indefinitely in the freezer so you can drink these all winter long.

Hot Buttered Base: vanilla bean gelato **11 pint pound butter **1 pound brown sugar **1 tablespoon allspice **1 tablespoon Cinnamon **1 tablespoon nutmeg **1 teaspoon cloves ** all ingredients until it Mix

becomes creamy deliciousness.

When you are ready to settle onto the couch with your snuggie, make a batch in a saucepan, heat it up and get ready to be incredibly comfortable.

hot buttered base **22 ounces ounces rum **5 ounces water **

Don’t boil the mixture or leave it on the heat. There’s no need to cook any of the alcohol content out of it. Heat your mug up as instructed in the last recipe, and you’ll warm yourself up inside and outside. Thanks to Seth Waddell of the Crowbar in Corvallis, Ore., for his recipe.

If visiting family in Corvallis is on your holiday itinerary, stop by and see if your snuggie measures up to the original.

Wherever you go for the holidays and whomever you plan to spend them with, if you come armed with the ability to make a couple of these cocktails you will definitely be the one spreading festive, nondenominational holiday cheer.

©EDWARD BLAKE

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JOSE-DAVID JACOBO/PSU VANGUARD

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HOLIDAY GUIDE

Holiday hoopla without the heft MILES SANGUINETTI/PSU VANGUARD

Drea Vick ‘Tis the season! Classes are almost over, so that means Thanksgiving feasting and Christmas gorging is just around the corner. Pumpkin treats and Christmas cookies abound, big hefty meals and delicious eggnog are sure to leave you in a stupor for days and your waistline is sure to expand a bit.

The average person gains seven to 10 pounds over the holidays, but you can prevent that holiday spread by taking a couple of precautions. By no means is the Vanguard telling you not to indulge; we simply want to encourage you to be smart in what indulgences you partake in. It’s so easy to fill up on delicious food every day for the next month, and it’s super important to limit your caloric overload to one day a week at most.

It ultimately comes down to making a plan and sticking to

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it. For one, make sure that you eat fairly healthily at every meal except for the indulgent ones. If you are planning on attending a holiday lunch, eat a healthy breakfast and a light dinner, or a healthy breakfast and lunch with a lot of fruit and vegetables before a holiday dinner. In general, you want to follow the 40–40–20 rule: 40 percent of calories should be from lean protein, 40 percent from complex carbohydrates and 20 percent from fat. This is the optimal combination to keep your metabolism going strong. Make sure you drink a lot of water as well. This will ultimately reduce the amount of water your body retains during high-sodium binge-fests.

If you are preparing your big dinner or baking some delicious sweets, it is wise to chew gum while cooking. This will limit how much cookie dough “accidentally” falls into your mouth. If you have some time

to kill (Note: Even a small turkey takes approximately 3 hours to cook), it’s not a bad idea to go for a walk with the family, take Fido for a run or go on a chilly bike ride. If you work out for at least an hour, you can significantly offset the consumption. If you can’t (or won’t) do an hour, even 30 minutes of exercise before eating helps.

With all that said, it is not a bad idea to lightly graze throughout the day (the key operative word here is lightly). There’s this funny little hormone called leptin that is produced in your fat tissue. This hormone signals to your brain that you are full and satiated. Eating slowly gives your body more time to produce enough leptin to signal your fullness. This will regulate your hunger signals, and you won’t feel the need to binge like no tomorrow when dinner finally rolls around.

When everyone is seated for dinner, don’t let others set the pace. This is a marathon, not a sprint. Control your portions. Eat more turkey and sweet potatoes (without the marshmallows), but limit fluffy carbs like dinner rolls and stuffing, which just pack on the calories without really filling you up.

The real struggle comes after dinner in the form of sugary desserts. Be choosy about what you eat. Eat one piece of pie or a small amount of cookies. However, don’t beat

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yourself up if you eat more sweets than is “appropriate;” it’s only one meal, and one meal won’t make you gain weight. It’s the constant binging all month long that will make you take up more real estate. If you eat healthily during other meals, you’ll more than make up for your lack of oversight.

It’s worth noting for the over-21 crowd that choosing your alcohol wisely will go a long way. Spirits have an average of 64 calories per 1.5-ounce shot, which doesn’t

include the sugar and empty calories in the mixer (eggnog, anyone? Yum!). A 12-ounce beer is easily a couple hundred calories; a 5-ounce serving of wine is anywhere from 110 to 300 calories. All this adds up incredibly fast.

It adds insult to injury that you’ll eat way more while under the influence than sober. You’ll just pile calories on top of the calories. Before you know it, your drunken munching has added up to 1,000 extra calories. You can combat this caloric landslide

by never going to a party hungry. Snack on some fruit and vegetables or lean protein before going, and you won’t eat as much junk.

It’s not too difficult to avoid gaining weight over the holidays. It just takes some classic planning and execution maneuvers. However, if you do pack on a few pounds, there’s always your New Year’s resolution to pick up the ball you dropped, because you’re totally going to stick with it this year. Totally.

HOLIDAY GUIDE

Get your shop on Breana Harris

Books

Fashion

General

Microcosm Publishing 636 S.E. 11th Ave. 503-232‑6666 http://microcosmpublishing.com/

Bonnet 1129 N.W. Flanders St. 503-954‑2271 http://bonnetboutique.com/

Presents of Mind 3363 S.E. Hawthorne Blvd.

503-230‑7740 http://www.presentsofmind.tv/

Annie Bloom’s Books 7834 S.W. Capitol Hwy. 503-246‑0053 http://www.annieblooms.com/

Mabel and Zora 748 N.W. 11th Ave. 503-241‑5696 http://www.mabelandzora.com/

Stella’s on 21st 1108 N.W. 21st Ave. 503-295‑5930 http://www.stellason21st.com/

Wallace Books 7241 S.E. Milwaukie Ave. 503-235‑7350 https://www.facebook.com/pages/ Wallace-Books/64110272649

Physical Element 416 N.W. 12th Ave. 503-224‑5425 http://www.physicalelement.com/

Suits Me Fine 1405 S.E. Tacoma St. 503-984‑0167 http://www.suitsmefine.org/

Shop Adorn 4120 N.E. Fremont St. 503-505‑7424 http://shopadorn.com/

Bloomsbury 1210 S.E. Grand Ave. 503-841‑6093 http://bloomsburypdx.com/

Green Hand Bookshop 661 Congress St. 207-253‑6808 http://www.greenhandbooks.blogspot.com/

It’s a wrap!

Gwen Shaw

Wrapping presents is a big part of the holidays, whether people like it or not. For college students, it’s not usually the highest priority in our three week break, but you can still put a little effort into it. It doesn’t even have to be that difficult.

My aunts and uncles sometimes give me a couple of bucks under the table to go to my grandma’s basement and wrap some of their presents. Here are some tips and tricks to have the best-looking presents under the tree.

Let’s start with a little secret: Plain brown butcher paper is your best friend. It may sound boring, but it can be easily decorated to make a one-of-a-kind gift that anyone will appreciate opening. The simplest idea is to wrap the present, put a ribbon around it and write the recipient’s name on it. This can be done with sharpies, stamps, stickers—anything you can think of.

Butcher paper is also good for decorating with some other fancier papers. Put one strip of nicer holiday wrapping around the box and you’ve got a creative, beautiful present. You can also cut shapes out of the wrapping and put them on the paper, or snag some paint chips from your local store and cut shapes to decorate the present with.

Even just buying one roll of nice ribbon can spruce up a number of presents and make a big impact, as can wrapping different colored yarns around the box.

Remember, any color goes with brown, and you can pick the favorite color of the person who’s getting the gift. It’s all about having fun and keeping in the spirit of the holidays.

Aside from butcher paper, there’s an infinite number of other things to wrap presents in: newspaper, comics, magazines, maps, calendars, sheet music—you name it! This is where you

can really personalize presents. Is someone in your family traveling later in the year? You can wrap their box in a map of the place they’re going and maybe circle some possible stops they should make.

Finally, wrapping presents in other knick-knacks is a really easy way to make a gift special. You can go to Goodwill or another thrift store and find a box or container that your gift will fit in. Using jars, empty oatmeal or Pringles containers and even cereal boxes can be a cheap container for gifts.

For those of you who may not be the best at wrapping, there’s something you should keep in mind. The thinner the paper, the more easily it tears and the harder it is to wrap. Butcher paper is a good fix for this, but even just spending a couple of extra dollars and avoiding the cheap Dollar Tree wrapping will really make your life easier while wrapping presents.

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HOLIDAY GUIDE

Advent Conspiracy Spending less, giving more, loving all Eva-Jeanette Rawlins Every year you think, “I’m not going to get stressed out about Christmas and buying gifts,” but then the 20th of December hits, and suddenly it’s panic city.

Your coworker got you a gift and you didn’t get her anything. Now you feel horrible, but you can’t get just her one and not everyone else in the office. Then your mom calls to say she’s decided the family’s doing a secret Santa at the last minute, and now you have to get something under $50 that won’t look like you only had a few days to think about it. Before you know it, your blood pressure and budget are out of control. You think to yourself, “Okay, next year will be different.”

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Regardless of whether or not you celebrate Christmas, it bombards you from every angle, or at least all the musthaves that go along with it do.

If you didn’t feel like you needed to get to the closest mall already, you will after that umpteenth commercial showing how everyone else is, or when those unbeatable prices pop up on the side of your screen and promise they’ll never be back. It starts with Black Friday, and then it’s downhill from there.

What if you went into the season with none of that? No expectations, no one to disappoint and no anxiety over credit card limits. You’d have more time, for one thing, more energy, and I’d hazard to say more fun. What if we

©IMAGO DEI COMMUNITY, ©THE CROSSING

conspired to make Christmas more about what it’s really supposed to be? Love, hope, joy and peace.

Well, someone beat us to it. There’s already a growing movement of Christmas infidels. In two words, it’s an Advent Conspiracy.

A group of church pastors got together a few years ago

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to see about “restoring the scandal of Christmas by substituting compassion for consumption.” Religious or not, this is a line most of us can pause, sigh and nod our heads to. It just sounds right.

It’s also a reminder that indeed, Christmas has become a scandal. The simple story of a stable and shepherds is a far cry from the bling and more bling of this most expensive season. Last year, Americans spent $400 billion just during the month of December. The average household shelled out $750.

Recession, what?

The goal of Advent Conspiracy is to change that. To take all that consuming, turn it on its head and “spend less, give more, love all.”

Spend less: Some of my favorite times during the holidays are spent at doit-yourself fairs and craft

get-togethers I have with friends. We spend an evening together where we bring our crafts and make our friends and family gifts—gifts that mean the world to them. Not a crafty person? Neither am I. That’s why Pinterest has become my little friend. There are a plethora of ideas for DIY projects that will help you knock people’s socks off with your Martha Stewart self. Okay, maybe she’s not the best example. But you get the picture.

Give more: But not things.

I love the idea that “the most powerful, memorable gift you can give to someone else is yourself.” It’s about time.

Take your nieces and nephews out for a play date on the weekend, walk your elderly neighbor’s dog or go for a hike with your best friend instead of shopping, where you might only get a word in edgewise

through the dressing room door. Giving ourselves away is about quality, not quantity.

Love all: By spending less on things no one really needs, we can give our resources in ways that will literally change people’s lives. Advent Conspiracy started with three churches, but today thousands have joined in and are raising millions of dollars toward, for example, drilling wells in countries where there is no access to clean drinking water. What better way to say merry Christmas than to offer someone the gift of health and a future for their children?

The cool thing is that we can all do this, no matter our beliefs. Spending less, giving more and loving all is the way we change the world, and not just during the holiday season.

It’s a conspiracy we can all truly believe in.

ARTS & CULTURE

‘I NEED TO RETURN SOME VIDEOTAPES’ FLASHBACK TO THE '80S WITH 'AMERICAN PSYCHO' AT 5TH AVENUE CINEMA HANNAH GRIFFITH

Coke, elegance and slaughter are just the beginning of this psychological horror black comedy. Originally written

by Bret Easton Ellis in 1991, the heinous and mesmerizing novel was transformed into film by director Mary Harron (I Shot Andy Warhol) in 2000 and is being screened at 5th Avenue Cinema beginning Nov. 29.

First off, I recommend not going if you are unable to handle blood, drugs, psychological warfare or dark comedy. However, if you are a fan of these things, then like me you will be constantly chuckling throughout the entire film.

American Psycho stars Christian Bale as Patrick Bateman, the sexy psychopathic Wall Street clone who is obsessed with greed, status and domination. As soon as we are introduced to Bateman, we cannot help but sympathize with him purely based on his attractiveness (well, at least for me anyway).

Never mind his uncontrollable rage or intense statements that no one seems to hear—“I want to stab you to death, and then play around with your blood”—he’s dreamy!

Throughout the film, we are constantly forced to decipher if what is happening is reality or illusion. You would think people would react to (spoiler alert) a naked man running around with a chainsaw, but honestly, with the environment we witness, it is not hard to assume that the characters are just that dense.

The story is set in the late ‘80s, when cocaine, materialism and just plain raunchiness seemed to be at their peak. Bateman’s co-bondsmen seem to be just as self-absorbed and obsessed with climbing up the social ladder as he is, minus the 40-plus murders (or so we think).

Nothing about this film is easy to comprehend. The beauty of it is that every person is able to create their own ending. Is he a serial killer?

Was it all in his head? Or is he just your average late-20s male trapped in society’s evil grasp? All of these could be right, or they could all be wrong. It’s frustrating yet liberating to let your mind roam free.

There are also so many mixed feelings about our anti-hero that the audience is unable to decipher whether

they love or hate him. He is an egotistical maniac who is literally consumed by vanity and power—but let’s be real, who isn’t in this world?

Every character in this story represents the disgusting traits of our futile existence.

The pointless chit-chat, the importance of knowing the most hip restaurant to go to and discussing who has the best ass in town. All of these are useless in our lives, yet they grip us by the necks and choke the life out of us.

I think the most frightening thing about the film is not Bateman himself, but what he represents—us.

American Psycho is a revolutionary film that will wrap its arms around your brain and refuse to let go.

It’s sexy, horrendous and hysterical. This is a mustsee American classic, and I urge everyone to go. However, if you for some reason decide to opt-out, please read the book. The book is always better, right?

5th Avenue Cinema is free for Portland State students, $3 for other students and $4 general admission. Visit 5thavenuecinema.org for more information.

©LIONSGATE FILMS

Vanguard | NOVEMBER 26, 2013 | psuvanguard.com

33

ARTS & CULTURE

MATSURI!

PSU JSS CELEBRATES JAPANESE CULTURE

JEREMY KING

On the evening of Nov. 22, Portland State’s Japanese Student Society paid homage to all things Japanese with a series of performances and a variety of events catered toward honoring the customs, traditions and culture of Japan.

As the long line of guests that was crammed into the third floor of the Smith Memorial Student Union slowly filed into the ballroom, those in attendance were urged to try the selection of Japanese cuisine made available, from takoyaki to rice crackers and much more. The event kicked off with a slew of activities; from a table dedicated to Japanese calligraphy to a booth geared toward providing information regarding Japanese culture and traditional games to pass the time, a heavy atmosphere of tradition and heritage filled the ballroom.

“I think that in American culture, we have a tendency to do away with tradition.

Considering how relatively young the U.S. is historically, we often miss out on traditional art forms, for example. One great thing about Japan Night is the chance to experience such a wide variety of traditional performance arts,” said Zac Bradberry, former co-vice president of the JSS. The passion, effort and discipline poured into each and every performance was clear.

The opening musical performance by Portland Taiko rippled through the air with visceral acuity, the intense bass rumbling of the heavy traditional Japanese drums drawing inspiration from a rich and vibrant cultural heritage. Up next, PSU Aikido demonstrated the noncompetitive martial art of Aikido,

34

geared toward self-defense, in a presentation that emphasized the importance of fluidity over brawn. Mitsuki Dazai was next to appear onstage, bringing the audience back hundreds of years in a masterful demonstration of the koto, a traditional Japanese stringed instrument with a distinct, exotic sound. “…I found Miss Mitsuki Dazai’s koto performance very impressive. It was one of the more traditional performances of the night, but it was amazing to hear such great applause from an audience of so many young people. That must mean something,” Bradberry said.

The next few performances brought the crowd roaring back to the present, from high-energy J-pop tunes and accompanying dances to heartfelt vocal performances of modern Japanese ballads and one seriously awesome display of breakdancing prowess.

The audience was given a brief respite in the form of a Manzai demonstration, a genre of Japanese comedy akin to slapstick, before the night’s festivities drew to a close with an excellent performance from the JSS Soranbushi team. Soranbushi, traditional Japanese music with heavy sea-faring roots, depicts the movement of ocean waves as Japanese fishermen go about their work through dance. On that note, Japan Night came to a triumphant finish, leaving some guests with an appetite for more. “…Throughout our lives, we’re always kind of just told what to be aware of in regards to other cultures and people, rather than experiencing a sense of their history for

ourselves,” said Ben Himes, a student of Warner Pacific College who attended Japan Night. “Tonight, there was a real, honest air of Japanese culture throughout and I thought that was awesome.

We weren’t being forced to digest all this information…it was a much more honest and raw glimpse into the traditions and heritage of a truly unique culture, and I’d like to see more of that.”

The earnest desire to impart some understanding of Japanese culture was very much a conscious motivator on behalf of the JSS leading up to the event.

“I hope they can get at least a glimmer of what Japanese culture is really all about”, said Heather Aplington, a Japanese major at PSU and leader of the JSS Soranbushi team. “There’s so much more that could be shown, but we just don’t have the time for that.”

The JSS staunchly promotes intercultural awareness, and that heartfelt sentiment could be felt with resounding clarity in each and every performance of the night. In this regard, it was a celebration of not only Japanese culture, but also an optimistic plea to embrace cultures and people from all corners of the world.

“Though you can draw various cultural commonalities between Japan and the United States, it usually seems that the two nations have so many differences, as well,” Bradber ry said. “One thing I love about experiencing other cultures is that you gain so many opportunities to learn and consider new perspectives! I hope for other people to have this same feeling.”

Vanguard | NOVEMBER 26, 2013 | psuvanguard.com

THE VANGUARD NEEDS YOU NOW HIRING Arts & Culture Writers Apply @ psuvanguard.com

ETC FEATURED EVENT Tree Lighting Ceremony 5:30 p.m. Friday, Nov. 29 Pioneer Courthouse Square 701 S.W. 6th Ave., Portland, OR 97204 The official start of the holiday season is not complete in Portland until the traditional tree lighting at Pioneer Square. Gather with fellow Portland residents and guests to celebrate by singing along with carols and enjoying a performance by Pink Martini and other musical guests before the lighting of the 75-foot Douglas fir that will be at home in the square through the holidays. FREE

©McMENAMINS

EVENT CALENDAR Tuesday, Nov. 26 Open Mic Tuesdays 7 p.m.

Smith Memorial Student Union, Parkway North 1825 S.W. Broadway, Portland, OR 97201 Every Tuesday night at the Smith Memorial Student Union, you are invited to participate in an open mic night.

Bring your own instruments and let Portland State Professional Sound take care of the rest while you share your sound with the student body.

FREE

Philip Roth Goes to the Movies 7 p.m.

College of Urban and Public Affairs, foyer 506 S.W. Mill St., Portland, OR 97201 The Harold Schnitzer Family Progam in Judaic studies at Portland State will host an evening with professors Michael Weingrad of PSU and Marat Grinberg of Reed College for an open discussion of film adaptations of the novels of Philip Roth.

The discussion will pose the question, “Is Nemesis filmable?” The Portland Jewish Book Club event will also include movie clips from Goodbye, Columbus, Portnoy’s Complaint, Decon-

structing Harry, The Human Stain and Elegy. FREE

Wednesday, Nov. 27 Wednesday Night Swing 7:30 p.m.

Bossanova Ballroom 722 E. Burnside St., Portland, OR 97214 Every Wednesday at the Bossanova Ballroom, local nonprofit Portland Lindy Society hosts a night of swing dancing. Each evening starts with a beginning dance lesson that is covered by the price of admission and taught by local swing dance instructors, followed by open dance for all. Admission is $7 per person. 21+

Thursday, Nov. 28 PROPER’s Annual Free Thanksgiving Day Feast-ival Noon–4 p.m.

Celebration Tabernacle 8131 N. Denver Ave., Portland 97217 North Portland community enhancement organization PROPER, nonprofit soul food cafe Po’Shines and the Kenton community team up to bring together the 13th annual free Thanksgiving dinner. The goal of this dinner is not only to fa-

cilitate a sense of community, but also to make sure anyone and everyone has a Thanksgiving meal. The event will also include activities, music and storytelling put together by local artists and provides a fantastic multicultural environment. FREE

BeerQuest Haunted Pub Crawl and Ghost Tour 8 p.m.

Old Town Thanksgiving weekend is your last chance this year to join fellow ghost and beer enthusiasts on BeerQuest’s Haunted Pub Crawl. Explore Old Town and the infamous Shanghai Tunnels to learn about Portland’s sordid history while you enjoy the current reality of some fine craft brews. Admission is $25 per person, but this includes transportation, beer and a tour you will not soon forget. For more information and to find out where to meet, visit www. beerquestpdx.com. 21+

Friday, Nov. 29 2013 Macy’s Holiday Parade 9–10:30 a.m.

Downtown Portland Each year Macy’s kicks off the

holiday season with a parade that runs through downtown Portland and features everything from colorful floats to marching bands. And of course, the Macy’s parade would not be complete without the appearance of Santa Claus on his sleigh! The parade begins on the corner of NW Park and Davis. The parade will travel east on Davis to Broadway, south on Broadway to SW Alder, east on SW Alder (past Macy’s) to SW Fourth, north on SW Fourth to NW Flanders, west on SW Flanders to NW Park Avenue.

FREE

The Enchanted Toyshop with Firebird 4 p.m. and 7 p.m.

Lincoln Hall 1620 S.W. Park Ave., Portland, OR 97201 The Portland Ballet and Portland State Symphony Orchestra invite you to a show that is just in time for the season.

Enjoy a performance that is sure to create a magnificent atmosphere through the expert performance of classical music and the finest of dance.

Tickets are $5 for the 4 p.m. preview. Prices range from $5 to $35 for other shows.

For more information visit www.theportlandballet.com

Saturday, Nov. 30

Student and Alumni Holiday Sale 10 a.m.–5 p.m.

Oregon College of Art and Craft 8245 S.W. Barnes Rd., Portland, OR 97225 Get some holiday shopping out of the way with the Oregon College of Art and Craft’s student and alumni sale. Over 60 artists and craft makers will be on site to showcase and sell their work, and anyone is welcome to attend and make purchases. A portion of each sale goes to benefit the OCAC scholarship fund for current and future students.

For more information, visit www.ocac.edu. FREE

Mississippi Holiday Tree Lighting 4:30 p.m.–6 p.m.

Mississippi Commons 3721-3727 N. Mississippi Ave., Portland, OR 97227 The Historical Mississippi Avenue Business Association and Mississippi Pizza Pub present the Annual Holiday Tree Lighting at Mississippi Commons. Featuring notable local performer Mr. Ben and debut performance of the Portland Youth Ukulele Orchestra and

Mo Phillips, the event is sure to have something for the entire family. Stash Teas will be serving free tea at the event to keep guests warm. FREE

Pearl District Tree Lighting 5–7 p.m.

Jamison Square 810 N.W. 11th Ave., Portland, OR 97209 Come to the Pearl District for holiday caroling and live music that will start the time of year off right. There will be hot chocolate and treats from local restaurants available to make sure you stay warm and well-fed, and toy donations will be taken for Live Love Christmas, a charitable campaign sponsored by City Bible Church to provide gifts to those in the community experiencing difficulty. Local businesses will also be open late to offer a head start to shoppers.

FREE

FREE

21+

PSU FREE OPEN TO PUBLIC 21 & OVER

Vanguard | NOVEMBER 26, 2013 | psuvanguard.com

35

ETC

Something’s telling me you should play it safe on this one.

Scorpio Oct. 23–Nov. 21

When things don’t seem to be going your way, it’s easy to get wrapped up in your worry. Try to remember that a state of worry is never a productive mindset. You’ve got this, Scorpio, you just have to believe that.

Pisces Feb. 19–Mar. 20

Resist the urge to fall into old patterns of thought.

You’ve come a long way in shifting your perspective for the better, dear Pisces, and it would be a shame to see your hard work unraveled with the rooting of one dark thought. Stay in the light, my friend; things are brighter that way.

Capricorn Dec. 22–Jan. 19

You can only tap a well so many times before it runs dry—does that resonate with you, dear Capricorn?

You’ve been putting a lot of yourself into your obligations lately, so be sure to put something into yourself as well.

Sagittarius Nov. 22–Dec. 21

Have you been tempted with something in recent days, dear Sagittarius? Are you have a hard time deciphering the Universe’s intention in sending you this temptation?

Enter with caution, my adventurous friend.

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Life has been good to you these days, dear Cancer, and that’s no reason to be suspicious or doubtful of whether things will remain as such. Open your heart to all of your blessings and enjoy them for what they are. You deserve it.

You’re one of the more reserved signs, dear Virgo, and while there are certainly times this makes you feel disadvantaged, right now is not one of those times.

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Oh, Aries, I wish there was something I could say to make you believe that the chaos will all soon come to an end; right now, though, it’s the only thing you see. If you won’t take my word for it, just take your obligations one step at a time. Before you know it, your task list will see completion.

While you’re definitely riding the highs of your latest accomplishments, you’re also wondering what else is in store. Take a moment to enjoy where you are, Aquarius; I promise you’ll be happy with where you’ll be once you finally arrive.

Cancer Jun. 21–Jul. 22

Home stretch! Home stretch! I know you would love nothing more than to throw your hands up in the air and stomp out in dramatic fashion, but you just can’t. Keep your eyes on the prize, Taurus; you are closer than you think.

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VIKING FOOTBALL FINISHES SEASON WITH A LOSS EASTERN WASHINGTON ENDS THE SEASON WITH PERFECT BIG SKY RECORD

SCORES

UPCOMING

NBA

NBA

PORTLAND GOLDEN STATE

Top Performers: LaMarcus Aldridge, 30 points, 21 rebounds

113 PORTLAND @ PHOENIX 101 WED. 11/27 6:00 p.m. | COMCAST SPORTS WHL

PORTLAND @ SPOKANE FRI. 11/29 7:05 p.m. | KPAM 860 AM

WHL

PORTLAND SEATTLE

Top Performers: Taylor Leier and Brandon Leipsic, 1 goal each

4 PSU MEN’S BASKETBALL 5 PSU @ BOISE STATE FRI. 11/29 5:00 p.m.

PSU WOMEN’S BASKETBALL

PSU FOOTBALL

PSU 41 EASTERN WASHINGTON 42

PRINCETON vs. PSU SAT. 11/30 12:00 p.m. | STOTT CENTER

Top Performers: Kasey Closs, 191 yards, 3 TDs

PSU VOLLEYBALL

PSU MEN’S BASKETBALL

FRI. 11/29 7:00 p.m. | STOTT CENTER

UC DAVIS PSU

Top Performers: DaShaun Wiggins, 21 points

JAY PENGELLY

In a scenario eerily similar to the previous week, Portland State lost 41–42 with their opponent scoring in the final minute. They finished the season with two disappointing losses following a three-game win streak.

Going into Saturday’s football matchup against the powerhouse Eastern Washington Eagles, who were unbeaten in Big Sky Conference play, the PSU Vikings were already ensured a better season than last year. In 2012 PSU was 3–8.

Entering Cheney, Wash., this year, they had a 6–5 record.

Eastern Washington began its season with a shocking upset over Oregon State University. The Eagles (9–2, 7–0) feature a dominant quarterback in sophomore dynamo Vernon Adams, who has averaged 327 yards per game while throwing 41 touchdowns this year. PSU and EWU are the two leading offenses in the Big Sky. The Vikings used three different players under center in the game: Collin Ramirez, Kieron McDonagh and Thomas Carter. Ramirez had 13 completions on 25 attempts for 236 yards with two touchdowns and one interception.

McDonagh went 9 for 16, also with two touchdowns and an interception, and unfortunately was sacked four times. Carter

SPORTS

BIG SKY TOURNAMENT 63 79

PSU WOMEN’S BASKETBALL had three passes in the game, completing two for 59 yards.

Running back DJ Adams had his usual strong performance, carrying the ball 28 times for 144 yards and a touchdown. He finished the year with 1600 yards and 19 touchdowns. Saturday was Adams’ ninth hundred-plusyard game of the season.

The Eagles were the first on the scoreboard when Vernon Adams threw a 3-yard pass to Quincy Forte midway through the first quarter. The Vikings responded late in the first when McDonagh ran the ball for 2 yards into the end zone, tying the game.

McDonagh and the Viking offense continued to click in the second. They scored twice more on throws to Kasey Closs, who had one of his best games, catching 11 passes for 191 yards and three touchdowns.

PSU was up 21–7 entering the second half of play, but the third quarter belonged to Eastern Washington. Forte ran for a touchdown early on, and Adams threw another one later to Ashton Clark.

The game was tied at 21, all with one quarter still to play.

And what a quarter the fourth was. There were six touchdowns between the two teams, four coming in the final six minutes. They exchanged scores back and forth, and at

SEATTLE PSU

Top Performers: Sylvia Shepard, 25 points

80 68

PSU VOLLEYBALL

PSU IDAHO STATE

Top Performers: Leigh-Ann Haataja, 6 blocks

3 2

KASEY CLOSS had his biggest game of the season, catching three touchdown passes.

JOSE-DAVID JACOBO/PSU VANGUARD

one point Ramirez went to a read-option offense, something we haven’t seen from the Vikings since early in the year.

The fateful moment came with one minute left in regulation, when Ramirez found Victor Dean for a 29-yard touchdown, putting the Vikings ahead 41–35. Marcus Kinsella missed the kick for an extra point, his third missed extra point this season. The kicking game has been a weakness for PSU all year, as they had three makes in 16 field goal attempts.

The Eagles had a minute to score, but Adams only needed half that time. He found Cooper Kupp for a 15-yard touchdown with 31 seconds on the clock. Kevin Miller made the extra point to put the Eagles up by one.

PSU managed to get off five plays in the final half minute

but only made it to EW’s 26-yard line with no time left to attempt a field goal.

The Viking defense was led

by Xavier Coleman, who had a great game with nine tackles, one interception and a forced fumble.

This game was part of the Dam Cup, a rivalry between the two schools where points are accumulated from a variety of sports. Before the game, PSU was leading 7–0. A football win would have given them 11 points and won them the trophy. PSU won the first two Dam Cup Championships and EW won last year.

It will be up to the basketball teams and a new fan participation aspect (found at www.

Damcup.com, it’s worth two points so check it out, PSU students!) to decide the ultimate victor between PSU and their closest Big Sky rival.

THE AMOUNT BY WHICH PSU LOST TO EASTERN WASHINGTON. THE MISSED EXTRA POINT WOULD HAVE SENT THE GAME TO OVERTIME.

Vanguard | NOVEMBER 26, 2013 | psuvanguard.com

37

SPORTS TO WHOM IT MAY CONCERN Dear Blazers fans, Should we be excited? The Blazers started off the season winning twelve of their first 14 games, they have won road games and they are the only team to beat perennial Western Conference power San Antonio Spurs. But let’s return to Earth a little bit, Blazers fans.

Don’t get me wrong, I am proud of this team. 12–2. Wow, that is a great record. And it is something that should create excitement in this team, but let’s not get too crazy. The Blazers have had good starts before, only to fall down the stretch. We are all hoping that won’t happen this year, but there is reason to believe that this start isn’t how the rest of the season will go.

The number one thing is the Blazers offense. They shoot a lot of threes—and I mean a lot. Granted, they have been hot to start the season. Wesley Matthews has been out of this world when shooting the ball and the Blazers are playing to their strengths, which happen to be outside shooting right now.

Unfortunately for Portland, this won’t last forever. The NBA season is long, and streaks come and go. So what will happen to the Blazers when their shooting averages out? What will happen if they need to score in the paint to win games when other teams take away their outside shooting? Yeah I am nitpicking here, especially after this incredible start, but all of these concerns are legitimate down the road. This season is very young, and unfortunately winning percentage after the first 14 games in the NBA does not mean as much as the NFL or college football.

That in itself is a critique not of the Blazers, but of how some see a record after 20 or so percent of a season is completed. The NBA season is long, and it changes constantly. Teams go hot, teams go cold. That is the number-one reason why we, as Blazers fans, should not freak about this start.

Creating huge expectations about this team is not going to make this season any more exciting.

Instead, we should enjoy this start and critique the season as it is played, not on potential based purely on the record in November.

With all that said, man, is it hard not to jump for joy after this start. I am excited. Not out of this world, but the Blazers are winning the games they are supposed to, and isn’t that something you want to see early on? This is not a boring team either. They are exciting to watch. The starters produce an exciting brand of basketball, and the bench comes in and continues it. There are stars on this team, but the Blazers have much more of a team feel than most NBA teams seem to recently, where they are a bunch of stars put together on a roster.

Don’t hype this season. Especially now. Let’s enjoy this as Blazers fans. Out of any fan base in professional sports, we deserve it. But redemption doesn’t come in the regular season, or in November.

Redemption comes later, when the NBA really gets going. Portland hasn’t won a playoff series in a long time, and no one will remember this hot start if we don’t live up to the expectations of this fan base—not of this season specifically, but of this franchise in general. Get a win in a playoff series.

Sincerely, Alex Moore Vanguard Sports Desk

CALLING ALL SPORTS ENTHUSIASTS THE VANGUARD IS LOOKING FOR Sports Writers Apply @ psuvanguard.com

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Vanguard | NOVEMBER 26, 2013 | psuvanguard.com

VOLLEYBALL TEAM RELOADS WITH NEW TALENT FOR NEXT YEAR CURRENT TEAM SET TO HOST BIG SKY TOURNAMENT TOBIN SHIELDS

Over the past two weeks, the Portland State volleyball team has announced the signing of three letters of intent for the upcoming 2014 season. Head coach Michael Seemann has personally made statements about each of the three young players and is excited to see how they are going to help him continue with the excellent standard his team has set.

Lauren Nicholson In her hometown of Upland, Calif., Nicholson averaged 6.3 kills per set during her senior year while hitting .437 overall. Measuring in at 5 feet 9 inches tall, she was named MaxPreps player of the week, listed on her high school’s honor roll twice and played privately most of her high school career. Nicholson is excited to begin her college career at PSU and has high hopes of helping her new team to the conference tournament each year.

“We could not be more excited to have Lauren join our program in 2014,” Seemann said. “Lauren brings a high level of skill and intelligence to the outside position. We see her as a very strong six rotation player that will have an impact on our program immediately. She can bring it from the end line with two different tough serves, a skill we value here at Portland State. I was impressed with Lauren’s ability to attack the ball anywhere she wants with accurate placement and power.”

Roni LaPierre “Roni is an exciting player to watch,” Seemann stated.

“She has a live arm and can bring heat to the outside hitting position. We love the competitive attitude she carries on the court. Roni has incredible vision and feel as an attacker and can score from anywhere.”

At her high school in Glendora, Calif., she leads in kills.

Her team looks to be on their way to their sixth consecutive league championship.

Although this year’s awards have yet to be announced, LaPierre was named the Most Valuable Offensive Player in the league her junior year.

“She is extremely effective as an attacker out of the back row as well,” Seemann said.

“We have seen Roni go on serving runs of three and five points frequently, and that fits well into our philosophy of valuing that skill. She has a high volleyball IQ and has the ability to make big plays.

We could not be more proud of her joining our program in 2014.”

LaPierre decided to play for PSU because she felt at home in the city. She immediately bonded with the other women on the team and believes she can bring something positive to the program.

Erin Clark Hailing from Ruben S. Ayala High School in Chino Hills, Calif., Seemann believes that “Erin will make an immediate impact in our gym at the setting position…along with being an outstanding setter, she brings all of the intangi-

bles in that position. She is a leader, she is extremely competitive and has the ability to score and disrupt from the service line.”

Clark has garnered a number of accolades throughout her high school career, including being named to the 2013 Under Armour High School All-American watch list before her senior season. She totaled 513 assists, 136 kills, 36 aces and 18 total blocks this season.

Clark earned All-Conference first team honors her sophomore and junior years while being named conference MVP as a junior. She was team captain as a senior and earned the Ayala Distinguished Student-Athlete with Character Award.

“We have seen Erin take over matches entirely, and every time she touches the ball, she puts her teammates in quality situations. We are proud and thrilled to have her don a Vikings uniform in 2014,” Seemann said.

Clark has had the dream of playing college volleyball since she was 9 years old, and says she fell in love with PSU the first time she set foot on campus. The athletic department can’t wait for Clark, Nicholson and LaPierre to join what is already a dominant program.

The current Viking team is the No. 1 seed at the Big Sky Conference Tournament this weekend. PSU is hosting the tournament, with games beginning at Stott Center Friday, Nov. 29 at 10 a.m. As the top seed, the Vikings’ first game will be at 7 p.m., against the lowest remaining seed after the first round of games.

SPORTS

GETTING PAID NOT TO PLAY Dead money in sports pays players who aren’t even on their team, or even playing at all

Bobby Bonilla 2000 New York Mets $42.25 million (by 2035)

St. Louis Spirits 1976 $19 million

$20 million

Jason Bay 2012 New York Mets $18.125 million

$15 million

TOBIN SHIELDS

What is dead money?

When a player signs on with a team in any major league sport, they are often guaranteed a certain salary depending on the length of the contract.

However, in some situations, if a player is released or traded to another team, the remaining portion of that contract is still paid out.

For example, if a player signs a five-year contract with a $5 million signing bonus, $1 million of his signing bonus counts toward the team’s salary cap for each year of his five-year contract. If he is released after the second year of his contract, he receives the remaining $3 million of his signing bonus that year and the team takes the hit for that amount. That leaves the team with $2 million less to spend on players who actually play.

This existence of dead money in major league sports has worked its way into becoming standard practice in the economics of the game.

Between player unions, old contract language and the industry’s inability to change something that is so heavily intertwined into the system, many believe that it is impossible to operate without the existence of dead money.

But how feasible is it for a club to pay players who aren’t on their team or even playing the sport at all?

Although the cost of dead money is fairly high, it has sim-

ply become one more expected expense teams have to pay.

$10 million

Getting paid not to play There are a number of players in almost all major sports who are getting paid to either not play at all or to oppose the very team that is paying them.

There are currently three NFL teams with more than $25 million in dead money.

The Indianapolis Colts have an allowance of $130 million to spend on their player’s salaries. However, almost $40 million of that money goes toward paying players who aren’t even on their team—almost 30 percent of their payroll. The Dallas Cowboys and Oakland Raiders have about the same allowance and pay close to 30 percent in dead money as well.

Peyton Manning, formerly of the NFL’s Colts, has $16 million worth of dead money that is contractually owed to him due to his release in 2012. Eleven other players have at least $5 million and will continue to have that money disbursed to them until their contract has ended.

Steve Young, however, might have gone down in history as one of the most famous cases of dead money. Before Young became a member of the San Francisco 49ers, he played in the United States Football League, a short-lived league that competed with the NFL during the 1980s. Although

Chone Figgins 2012 Seattle Mariners $8.5 million

Bobby Bonilla 1996 Baltimore Orioles $0.5 million

Laurent Robinson 2013 Jacksonville Jaguars $8.5 million

$5 million

$1 million

SEAN BUCKNAM/PSU VANGUARD

the NFL was enticing for Young, the USFL offered him an outrageous contract that he couldn’t refuse: $36 million spread out over a total of 43 years. That means that Young would continue to get paid out until the year 2027. Even though the league collapsed and went bankrupt soon after it began, Young struck a deal with J. William Oldenburg of the Los Angeles Express that would have guaranteed his pay throughout the contract’s full duration—except Young never funded the annuity. He could’ve gone down as the holder of the biggest dead money contract of all time. As it is, he’ll have to get by with just his ESPN salary.

Dead money in NBA advertising Although dead money through player contracts con-

tributes to a large portion of a sport league’s costs, it also exists with coach’s contracts, executive’s salaries and, in one case, with someone who never even worked for a league. In what many consider the greatest sports business deal of all time, Ozzie and Daniel Silna have made over $300 million from the NBA since 1974. The two are the former owners of an American Basketball Association team called the Spirits of St. Louis. After the ABA was absorbed by the NBA in 1976, the two agreed to disband their team in exchange for what seemed like nothing at the time: one-seventh of the future NBA broadcast revenues.

No one could have ever imagined how much money the NBA would make from their broadcast rights. However, in the mid 1980s, the brothers were given almost $500,000 in royalties, and in

1997, when the NBA received their first mega-contract, they were forced to pay almost $17.5 million dollars to the Silnas. Since that time,

the two have been receiving about that same amount each year, which has totaled over $300 million since the contract’s inception.

Vanguard | NOVEMBER 26, 2013 | psuvanguard.com

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