Portland State Vanguard

PORTLAND STATE VANGUARD

VOLUME 70 • ISSUE 27 • MARCH 8, 2016

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Get Freaky in the Streets:

DISCREET PUBLIC PLACES TO GET IT ON page

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Safety First:

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SELFDEFENSE TIPS FOR A SAFE NIGHT IN PDX

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I Pumps With You Playlist:

TUNES TO TURN UP YOUR PRE-GAME

ALSO:

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IT STARTS WITH THE FEET:

What to wear out on your night out

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Bang Bang: Get your Glutton on Louis CK style

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Baby Mama’s Night Out

Nurse your hangover like a pro

DOWNTOWN

BORED?

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NEWS INTERNATIONAL EVENT CALENDAR NIGHT OUT GUIDE ARTS & CULTURE OPINION

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COVER BY ELISE FURLAN The Vanguard is published weekly as an independent student newspaper governed by the PSU Student Media Board. Views and editorial content expressed herein are those of the staff, contributors and readers and do not necessarily represent those of the PSU student body, faculty, staff or administration.

EDITOR-IN-CHIEF Colleen Leary Editor@PsuVanguard.com

OPINION EDITOR Brie Barbee Opinion@PsuVanguard.com

PHOTO EDITOR Silvia Cardullo Photo@PsuVanguard.com

MARKETING & DISTRIBUTION MANAGER Turner Lobey

MANAGING EDITOR Tim Sullivan ManagingEditor@PsuVanguard.com

INTERNATIONAL EDITOR Molly Ozier International@PsuVanguard.com

COPY CHIEF Maeko Bradshaw Copy@PsuVanguard.com

ADVERTISING MANAGER Stuart Neuberger Neub@Pdx.edu

NEWS EDITOR Jeoffry Ray News@PsuVanguard.com

ASSOCIATE NEWS EDITOR Ellie Bradley AssociateNews@PsuVanguard.com

ONLINE EDITOR Andrew Fleming Online@PsuVanguard.com

ADVERTISING DESIGNER Sam Hicks

ARTS & CULTURE EDITOR Aislinn Renninson Arts@PsuVanguard.com

PRODUCTION MANAGER Nimi Einstein Production@PsuVanguard.com

COPY EDITORS Alexis Woodcock Cora Wigen Kellie Doherty

CONTRIBUTORS Gray Bouchat Myles Boyns Kevin Hadsell Catherine Johnson Turner Lobey Jennee Martinez John Pinney Yesenia Ramos

ADVISER Reaz Mahmood ADVERTISING ADVISER Ann Roman

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NEWS

MAYORAL CANDIDATES JOUST WITH RHETORICAL SPEARS ELLENA ROSENTHAL

Portlanders piled into the First Congregational United Church of Christ to hear mayoral front-runners Ted Wheeler, Jules Bailey and Sarah Iannarone explain why they should be the next mayor.

“Keeping Portland Portland” was the topic of the Feb. 25 event. What began as a three-member debate expanded to five panelists when a spectator demanded that candidates David Shor and Sean Davis join from the audience.

Peggy Moretti, executive director of Restore Oregon, moderated the event and asked questions focused on themes of historic preservation, housing affordability and sustaining Portland’s green initiatives under the demands of a rising population.

Moretti started by asking the candidates about their vision for Portland as it continues to expand.

Wheeler expressed concern for small family stores that make Portland unique.

Davis emphasized the importance of affordable housing, mixed-use housing, and supporting the growth of small businesses, all in an effort to maintain the essential character of Portland.

Moretti then asked about incentives to preserve historic buildings in Portland.

Iannarone said that right now, Portland doesn’t have enough tools in its toolbox to figure out how to keep Portland historic. “We need to update our inventory—we haven’t done that since the 80s,” she said.

Iannarone proposed the

idea of digitizing this process and possibly getting young people involved.

Wheeler agreed with Iannarone, and cited tax credits as insufficient incentive for people to preserve their homes.

“The mayor of Portland needs to take another run at that or we are going to lose our historic inventory,” he said.

The candidates went on to discuss how Portland can achieve affordability.

Shor cited the need for more minimum wage jobs in Portland in order to prevent people from being displaced from their homes. Iannarone emphasized the need for, “a spectrum of affordability across the spectrum of income ranges.”

Moretti tapped into ongoing conversations regarding Portland’s placement within the Cascadia subduction zone, asking candidates their plan for handling a major seismic threat. All candidates agreed that accelerating the rate of seismic retrofitting is important.

Davis has experience working with disaster relief efforts; he responded to the aftermath of Katrina as part of his military service.

“We better be ready…right now our city, state, county and federal don’t talk to each other how they should,” he said. “They must correct that before something happens.”

He also stated that Portland needs a disaster preparedness response team, and that neighborhoods need to get involved with this process.

The forum opened to questions from the audience.

One audience member asked about plans to provide new real estate for families in lower income brackets.

“The market can’t solve this problem,” Shor said in response. “We don’t have the ability to control the market so we need to get creative.”

He went on to offer up ideas on public housing and community housing.

“I propose that we create community managed housing,” he said, suggesting that this housing be affordable to the public and viewed as a public investment, benefitting the community over the long term.

The forum ended with a discussion on sustainability.

Moretti asked candidates how they would approach

Ibrahim Mubarak, an advocate for houseless people and founder of Right 2 Survive, attended the city council vote and said it was a packed house. He noted that both the houseless community and the general public were in attendance.

“It’s the houseless people who are doing it themselves, and we’ve figured out how to be productive without the city,” Mubarak said.

Mubarak expressed concern that the neighborhood where Right 2 Dream Too is moving could counter-sue the city.

“I felt a bitter environment in city hall, and that’s

due not from the houseless community but from the people, the businesses, the neighborhood association and their allies because they think the houseless community have no rights and that they have the right to dictate and do what they want with the city,” Mubarak said.

Mubarak thinks the city council and the city of Portland are hearing the problems on the streets and are starting to address them, but that in the process, some community members have gotten upset.

“They finally made a good decision for the [houseless]

people, but I think they made some enemies with the general public in the house community,” Mubarak said.

Time will reveal the future of Right 2 Dream Too as it acclimates to its new neighborhood. Mubarak said that if citizens voice concerns and act on those concerns, the city starts to listen. That happened in the case of Right 2 Dream Too, he said.

“I can’t give all credit to me, but I can give all credit to the houseless people who are voicing their opinions, and the allies and supporters,” Mubarak said.

Right 2 Dream Too is set to relocate in October 2016.

ENTRANCE TO TENTS WHERE COUPLES SLEEP.

DOWNTOWN CAMP MUST RELOCATE

increased automobile presence to make low environmental impact a priority.

Iannarone mentioned car-free cities, and imagined what Portland would be like without cars.

“Our streets are one of our greatest assets,” Iannarone said.

“Parking structures in neighborhoods is one way to keep cars from the edges of places.”

Shor said the current transportation infrastructure needs to be safer for bicyclists and Wheeler cited neighborhoods needing to stay walkable and livable.

In closing, all candidates noted the current era as a turning point for Portland.

The Portland mayoral primary elections will take place on May 17. For a full list of candidates, visit https:// www.portlandoregon.gov/auditor/article/544311.

ELLENA ROSENTHAL

A recent vote by the city council struck a blow against efforts to offer a modicum of stability to Portland’s houseless, sending a long-standing downtown homeless camp across the river to an uncertain future.

Right 2 Dream Too, off of West Burnside, provides a safe space for the unhoused community to rest. It will move to SE 3rd and Harrison, after a 4—1 city council vote on Feb. 24 to relocate the camp outside of downtown.

Right 2 Dream Too will be allowed to stay on the property for 10 years.

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ELLENA ROSENTHAL/PSU VANGUARD

NEWS

VIKINGS BRING DOWN THE THUNDER PSU HEADS INTO THE BIG SKY TOURNAMENT WITH SENIOR NIGHT VICTORY OVER SOUTHERN UTAH UNIVERSITY MYLES BOYNS Saturday night concluded the regular season of the Portland State Vikings men’s basketball team. It was the last home game ever for PSU seniors Donivine Stewart, Cameron Forte and Collin Spickerman.

The Vikings squared off against the Southern Utah University Thunderbirds in a hard-fought showdown to a narrow 88-86 victory.

The Vikings extended their winning streak to three, frustrating the Thunderbirds’ efforts to rally after a Thursday night loss against Sacramento State.

The Vikings got things rolling right away in the first half. They brought a consistent offense and had no issue putting points up on the board. PSU held their lead over the Thunderbirds. But Southern Utah bounced back to slow the down the Viks’ push, closing the margin to tie the game before half time.

The first half ended in a dead heat at 37-37.

Portland State came out of the first half with more momentum as they started to take control in the early minutes of the second half.

Southern Utah quickly had an answer for the Vikings as they continued to fight and stay in the game.

The Thunderbirds tied the game once again, only this time they were able to take the lead momentarily. The second half was filled with back and forth action as both teams fought for control.

In the end, the Vikings sealed the deal to walk away with a final score of 88-86.

“Any win is a good win,” PSU head coach Tyler Geving said.

“It’s nice to see the seniors go out with a win at home.”

Senior forward Cameron

Forte finished his last home game with 25pts (11-17 FG), 5 reb, 2 ast and 2 blk.

The Vikings head into the Big Sky tournament facing the Northern Colorado Bears on Mar. 8 at the Reno Events Center in Reno, Nev. at 12:05 pm.

CAMERON FORTE SOARS OVER THE THUNDERBIRDS’ DEFENSE. STEVEN YOUNG/PSU VANGUARD

PORTLAND BUSINESSES OPPOSE PSU-SPECIFIC TAX PROPOSAL JEOFFRY RAY

The Portland Business Alliance fired their first shots in what looks to be a protracted struggle against recent efforts to introduce a payroll tax to support students at Portland State.

The PBA recently filed two petitions against an initiative generated by PSU President Wim Wiewel. Advocates from Yes for PSU submitted the initiative and ballot title to the city on Feb. 12; the measure would ask voters to support a .1 percent payroll tax on Portland Metro Area businesses to fund scholarships, faculty and advisors.

The PBA petitions question the legal mechanics of the initiative as filed. According to an email statement released

by PBA President and Chief Executive Officer Sandra McDonough, the PBA challenged whether the wording and the objectives of the initiative met constitutional requirements. The state constitution currently requires that initiatives can cover only one subject.

“It’s worth noting that even the proponents of this initiative filed a ballot title challenge asking the court to reword the ballot title because they apparently did not agree with the Metro attorney’s draft,” McDonough said in the statement. “We were not surprised The [sic] wording of the ballot title is very important to all parties who will be involved in this measure.”

Yes for PSU Campaign Manager Peter Zuckerman dismissed the PBA petition, calling the legal action meritless.

“It’s a common stall tactic, but that is their main goal,” Zuckerman said. “Because businesses pay for this tax and not workers, they oppose it. It’s unfortunate because we are facing a college affordability and debt crisis right now.”

If enacted, the PSU measure would impose a tax on regional businesses of .1 percent of wages paid to employees working in the Portland Metro Area. The tax would support needbased scholarships, counseling and advisory positions, emergency tuition assistance and tax oversight.

The PBA claimed that the initiative challenge was commonplace, but it also signaled a deeper dispute with the proposals.

“What we disagree with is the payroll tax mechanism proposed in this ballot measure, and the notion that about half the state’s payroll would be taxed to benefit just one of the state’s many higher education institutions,” McDonough said in the statement. “It makes no sense to us that this Portland-metro-wide tax would be used to support a local student attending PSU, but not a local student attending Southern Oregon University, for example. How is that fair?”

McDonough said that PBA communicated with PSU administrators about their concerns and the nature of their challenge. She also claimed that business leaders wanted to support PSU and suggested meetings to discuss alternative solutions.

“Rather than waging a potentially costly fight that

neither side wants to have, our preference is to sit down with PSU in a collaborative manner and come up with a strategy that can have broad community support,” McDonough said in the statement. “We continue to urge PSU to ask the ballot measure proponents to withdraw this initiative so that we can engage in a productive conversation and help find the right solution for the issues the university has raised.”

Zuckerman argued that businesses stand to gain from the initiative’s benefits, and asserted the need for students to mobilize against the rising costs of higher education.

“It’s in business’ interest to have an educated local workforce,” Zuckerman said. “It’s important for students to be able to afford to go to college…and not be crippled by debt. This is our moment to change that.”

It remains to be seen whether voters will decide that supporting PSU directly through taxation will start to solve those issues. But PBA acknowledged that the issues exist; their solutions to the problem of student costs also remain unclear.

“The Alliance has always supported a strong [PSU], and we agree that the issue of student affordability must be addressed,” McDonough said in the statement. “But we also recognize that the issue of student affordability affects students attending colleges and universities throughout Oregon, and it certainly is not unique to Portland State.”

Vanguard • MARCH 8, 2016 • psuvanguard.com

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INTERNATIONAL

LARGEST TELESCOPE BRINGS MANKIND ONE STEP CLOSER TO DISCOVERING ALIEN LIFE SARAH MUSTAFA

The largest telescope known to man has removed 9,000 people from their homes in Guzihou province, in Southwest China.

The 500-meter telescope is best known as FAST—Five-hundred-meter Aperture Spherical Telescope. China’s intent for the scope isn’t for astronomical purposes, but to pioneer extraterrestrial findings.

Originally proposed in 1993 as a competing concept for the international Square Kilometer Array project by Chinese Astronomers, FAST has been in production since 2011 and is expected to be completed this fall.

Bandee Halawani, a junior from University of Portland said, “Why the hell would anyone try to connect, [let] alone [try to] find aliens?”

To answer Halwani’s question, Li Di, chief scientist from the National Astronomical Observatories affiliated with the Chinese Academy of Sciences­, told China Daily, “Ultimately, exploring the unknown is the nature of mankind, which is as visceral as feeding and clothing ourselves. It drives us to a greater future.”

Candace Coleman, a former part-time student at Portland State commented on the topic, “I’m more curi-

ILLUSTRATION BY PETER LE

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ous as to how catching alien footage will help anything… and if we find out they exist, are we going to communicate with them?”

Indeed, communication is Chinese astronomer Shi Zhicheng’s hope, “If intelligent aliens exist, the messages that they produced or left behind, if they are being transmitted through space, can be detected and received

by FAST.” Challenges face the use of the scope as the launch nears. Encompassing nearly 460,000 reflective mirrors, they must be placed exactly together. The room for error is slim, “A minute gap

between the mirrors could cause significant signal distribution and render the entire project useless,” according to South China Morning Post.

In order for the telescope to focus on a specific object in space, the mirrors must be individually adjusted to create the best angle. To the dismay of the scientists involved, the technology to adjust and control the 10,000-ton scope has never been used nor tested.

Although the machine is meant to be finished by fall of 2016, improvements and updates will continue to take place years following completion in order for FAST to accurately report findings.

FAST is made up of 4,450 triangular-shaped panels.

“The motion of the panels alters the collective shape of the antenna, which is capable of reflecting radio signals from the universe to a focal point, where the receiver dome sits.”

According to a report by Xinhua, Director-General of the Chinese Astronomical Society, Wu Xiangping, said “FAST’s high level of sensitivity would help scientists to ‘search for intelligent life outside of the galaxy and explore the origins of the universe.’”

Each resident made to move for the project was compensated 2,000 yuan—equivalent

to $1,838. Residents that have housing difficulties will be rewarded an additional 10,000 yuan ($1,530).

Coleman voiced her opinion on the moving of the Chinese residents, “The uprooting is ridiculous!” She said, “I can imagine this to be frustrating for them…”

Halawani had a similar reaction, “I think it’s pretty absurd to move that many people for a telescope radio; to find something we aren’t sure exists in the first place.” She said, “In my opinion [some things] are not meant to be found.

If they aren’t bothering us, don’t bother them.”

INTERNATIONAL

AFRICAN FILM ENRICHES PORTLAND COMMUNITY CASCADE FILM FESTIVAL CONTINUES WITH ETHIOPIAN FILM, “LAMB” YUNI CHOI More than 400 people gathered at Portland Community College Cascade Campus auditorium on Feb. 26 for the viewing of “Lamb.”

A film featured as part of the Cascade Festival of African Films.

The auditorium was packed with students, families and friends, from the Portland community. With the need for extra space, some had to be turned away from the showing. Once the lights dimmed, even the chattering of excited children fell into a unified silence. A sense of intense focus was palpable in the air as the film started rolling.

“I’ve been going to the film festival for about seven years now. I find different and fresh perspectives every time,” shared Amen Mengistu who came with her family.

As suggested by its title, the film is a “coming-of-age” story about a boy and his lamb. The screen was filled with bright lush colors of Bale Mountains in Ethiopia—the country the film was shot in. Such rich colors of greenery from Africa are not so often seen by an American audience. “Lamb” touches upon issues of politics, history, environment, religion, cultural misrepresentation and the fundamental basis of human identity.

Ephraim is a young Ethiopian boy who is left under the care of his relatives when his father is forced to leave him after his mother died. A boy with a slender figure and a pair of bright yellow boots, Ephraim is not built for farm work, to his uncle’s’ disappointment; he enjoys cooking instead. When his un-

happy uncle tries to sacrifice his pet lamb for the next religious feast, Ephraim embarks on new adventures to save his only friend.

“It was beautiful. Its combination of a region and culture I’m unfamiliar with [yet,] the people and interactions are perfectly familiar,” commented an attendee who chose to remain anonymous.

It seems that the film left many with a need for discussion. The majority of the audience remained after the film to participate in the Q&A session with the film’s Ethiopian director, Yared Zeleke.

Zeleke is a young filmmaker who was born in Ethiopia. He lived through the infamous Ethiopian famine in the ’80s and like the boy in his film, had to make his way alone to the United States as a child.

Before studying cinema at New York University—majoring in writing and directing—Zelek pursued a degree in international development from Clark University. He worked with a number of nonprofit organizations across the globe before starting a career in film. “Lamb” was his first feature-length movie and it was screened at the 2015 Cannes Film Festival. “It is the first film from Ethiopia to have been officially selected in the festival’s 68-year history.”

Zeleke has been studying film for 10 years. After growing up around his grandmother’s stories, he fell in love with it himself. Zeleke chose film as his medium due to it’s ability to reach so many people, “I’ve made a film that was featured in 57 festivals and sold to 30 territories including China.

It’s a dream come true.”

A strong advocate for the arts, Zeleke shared his insight on why it can make such a difference in any community, “No matter how different we

are, at the core [art is] a shared human experience.” He said, “It does make a difference to show the variety of faces and experiences because then you add to an understanding and make the world a better place…art is not necessarily a political act, but it has a political outcome.”

If there was nothing else Zeleke wanted his audience to take away, it was inspiration, “I encourage anyone to pursue what you want and tell us the story that you want.”

␀㈀㔀 ∠ ㈀㄀ ☀ 漀瘀攀爀 A SCREEN SHOT FROM THE MOVIE LAMB. HAUT ET COURT/2015

Vanguard • MARCH 8, 2016 • psuvanguard.com

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MARCH 9-

INTERNATIONAL CALENDAR FOR THE WEEK OF WEDNESDAY, MARCH 9

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JOHN PINNEY

FRIDAY, MARCH 11

SUNDAY, MARCH 13

WE ARE PROUD TO PRESENT…

BATMAN THE MOVIE (1966)

“CHICAGO”

Artist Rep Theatre, Morrison Stage Times Vary Fee: $25 to $55 With performances through April 3, you don’t want to miss this revolutionary and humorous story about the Herero of Namibia, formerly known as South West Africa from 1884 to1915 by playwright Jackie Sibblies Drury.

Fifth Avenue Cinema 7 p.m. and 9:30 p.m.

Free with student ID What’s the best way for Batman to keep from being attacked by sharks while chasing after Penguin’s submarine?

Why with Bat Shark Repellent, of course! (Saturday at the same time and during a Sunday matinee, 3 p.m.)

TRUMP V. BERNIE 2016

HEALTH AND FITNESS FAIR

Brunish Theatre 7:30 p.m.

Fee: $25 to $28 Appearing over the next couple of weeks, don’t miss this ode to murder and vaudeville in the most sensationalistic “Fosse” musical ever created. If you’d rather catch a matinee, there are 2 p.m. Sunday shows available as well. And a soundtrack that will never leave your brain.

Revolution Hall 8 p.m.

Fee: $16 to $20 You’ve seen the viral sketch video, now see the real deal “debate” between the blowhard and the democratic socialist, live!

THURSDAY, MARCH 10 TRACK AND FIELD INDOOR CHAMPIONSHIPS Oregon Convention Center Fee: $7 If you like hurdles, indoor track running and all kinds of Olympian feats of endurance, then you’re not going to want to miss the best of the best going foot-to-foot in this annual track and field race. (Different events throughout the week.)

IGNITE TAO! Alberta Rose Theatre 6:30 p.m.

Ignite is the love child of TEDTalks and Mortified. You have five minutes, you have the mike, you have the stage.

Come and lead a mini-revolution and then hear from the hearts of others as well. Powerpoints are encouraged!

11 a.m. to 7 p.m.

Oregon Convention Center Free (but registration required) As part of this weekend’s Shamrock Run, this fair will serve as a way to pick up your Shamrock bib/T-shirt but also to let you sample fitness products and to enter for prizes. (kids welcome.)

RAINBOW BRUNCH POTLUCK Hatch 12 p.m.

Fee: $5 (with RSVP) Bring your own vegan dish and get tips from the Vegan Iron Chef!

•FEATURED EVENT• SATURDAY, MARCH 12 COFFEE, BEER, DOUGHNUTS Culmination Brewing 10 a.m.

Fee: $24 Admission includes samples of 13 coffee beers and 13 donuts with options for additional drinks. A doughnut decoration station and breakfast sandwiches will also be available.

Groove out to live music while on your sugar high.

WINTER BLUE MUSIC FEST Elks Lodge (Milwaukie) 3 p.m. to 11 p.m.

Fee: $25 (at door) Join seven bands in one indoor venue to celebrate an American art form that’s sure to make you forget your gray winter doldrums.

“WIZARD OF OZ” Keller Auditorium 7:30 p.m.

Fee: $25+ There was a stage adaption made from the books long before the movie “Wizard of Oz” became popular, but this story revamped is apparently an updated adaptation of the movie with new songs

by Tim Rice and Andrew Lloyd Webber (the “Phantom of the Opera” guy). If you’ve never seen the musical in person, the message of home is even more beautiful than what you see in the movie; the heart-wrenching effects are exquisite. For being an almost century-old story that’s spawned retellings from Muppet to sci-fi, the iconic “Wizard of Oz” is something to truly experience.

SCORPIO (OCT. 23-NOV. 21)

If you’ve been dating someone for awhile but are still hesitating to give it “a label,” this week is your chance to make that choice. Those without a relationship may meet an important someone.

SAGITTARIUS (NOV. 22–DEC. 21)

JOHN PINNEY

HOROSCOPES FOR THE WEEK OF 03/06 ARIES (MARCH 21-APRIL 19)

CANCER (JUNE 21-JULY 22)

Be decadent this week. Whether you’re having an ice cream sandwich for breakfast or take a leisurely bubble bath, spoil yourself for there are challenges lying ahead.

When deciding on a career, major or internship, wonder what your inner child would think of the affair. After all, your inner child and your gut instinct are linked and they know you sometimes better than you want to admit.

CAPRICORN (DEC. 22-JAN. 19)

Humility is a trait that you need to cultivate within yourself.

Don’t be afraid to embrace modesty, it won’t make you a doormat like you fear.

LEO (JULY 23-AUG. 22)

Never forget that you are in control of your decisions and destiny. You have the opportunity this week to take charge and let others know that your spirit is yours alone.

Taking care of the earth is not just about recycling. If you’re presented with an opportunity to be part of a garden or food bank, take the risk because it will show you something you need to see.

TAURUS (APRIL 20-MAY 20)

VIRGO (AUG. 23-SEP. 22)

AQUARIUS (JAN. 20-FEB. 18)

What random act of kindness have you performed this week? Think of ways to be good to someone. Not for a reward but because the universe runs on our goodness.

GEMINI (MAY 21-JUNE 20)

Either a paper or a research project is going to go south quickly, but your reaction will dictate the future successes of any of your projects. Are you a lemming or are you management material?

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While out shopping for a gift this week, try to shop local.

Not only will it show tremendous thoughtfulness, you’ll be challenged to realize how much you know the person you’re gifting.

LIBRA (SEP. 23-OCT. 22)

Don’t forget how important it is to stop for a moment and eat. Not only are you fueling your stomach and mind, but taking that break to make food is actually just as good for your brain.

If you’ve got group work this week, be aware of how your tone and your professionalism will dictate the success or failure of the project. You have the power to derail the whole thing.

PISCES (FEB. 19-MARCH 20)

So often history is written only by the winners and true diversity is rarely reached. Spend some time educating yourself on a blind spot you have and soon you’ll see why it was important to learn.

Night Out Guide 2016

WELCOME TO THE VANGUARD’S NIGHT Out Guide 2016–a how-to blueprint for making the most of Portland’s nightlife. After you’ve wrapped up your last final exam, it’s time toss those textbooks aside and get busy planning your spring break shenanigans.

In the following pages you’ll find a list of tunes to get your pre-game pumped up just right, lifehacks for getting ready, self-defense skills to stay safe at night, tips for young parents getting out of the house, places to take your MILF to meet her perfect DILF, viewpoints to get an expansive look at Portland’s unmatched scenery, discreet outdoor places to get your freak on, where to go after the bars close, and pointers for surviving the morning after an epic night out.

Take a load off, read on and let the Vanguard usher you into an unforgettable night out in Portland.

Table of contents I PUMPS YOU UP: PREGAME PLAYLIST P. 10 WISHY WANDA & WASHA WALLY: PORTLANDERS TRY TO MAKE DECISIONS P. 10 GETTING READY: LIFE HACKS P. 11

BANG BANG: VENTURE INTO PORTLAND’S DOUBLE GLUTTONY P. 14

RELEASE YOUR EXPOSITIONIST: WHERE TO GET IT ON OUTDOORS P. 18

SOBER NIGHT OUT: UNDER-AGERS AND NON-DRINKERS CAN GO OUT, TOO P. 21

ONE-NIGHT GETAWAYS P. 15

GET THROUGH THE NIGHT SAFETY FIRST: SELF-DEFENSE SKILLS P. 19

FIND A DILF FOR YOUR MILF P. 22

NIGHT OUT FOR WHOVIANS, NERDS, AND DANCE QUEENS P. 15

DRINK RECIPES FOR A NIGHT IN P. 12 WHAT TO WEAR WHEN YOU GO OUT P. 12

ILLUSTRATION BY ELISE FURLAN

OUT ON THE BLOCKS WE CALL IT MURDER: PSU PARK BLOCK CROWS TAKE OVER P. 16

BABY MAMA’S NIGHT OUT: HITTING THE TOWN AS A PARENT P. 20

WHERE DO I GO NOW? SPOTS TO HIT AFTER BAR CLOSE P. 23 THE MORNING AFTER: HOW TO NURSE A HANGOVER P. 24

VANGUARD • MARCH 8, 2016 • PSUVANGUARD.COM

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Night Out Guide 2016

I PUMPS WITH YOU: PREGAME PLAYLIST TO GET YOU PUMPED UP

BY COLLEEN LEARY

Before you do anything, you need the right background music to get you pumped up, pre-gamed and primed to get your dance on for your night out in Portland. The following tracks are curated to provide the soundtrack to all the things you need to before you’re ready to hit the town.

Note: These tracks are not safe for most workplace--unless you work somewhere extra chill--but you probably shouldn’t be pregaming at work anyway.

THE SCENARIO REMIX, A TRIBE CALLED QUEST MAMA SAID KNOCK YOU OUT, BY LL COOL J WIT THE SH*TS, D.R.A.M. PARTY SHOT, BY POPCAAN MIAMI 2 IBIZA, BY SWEDISH HOUSE MAFIA (FT. MIAMI 2 IBIZA) SAUSAGE, BY LIL’ MAMA RAGE THE NIGHT AWAY, BY STEVE AOKI & WAKA FLOCKA FLAME AM I WRONG, ANDERSON .PAAK (FT. SCHOOLBOY Q) DO OR DIE, BY FLUX PAVILION (FT. CHILDISH GAMBINO) BACKSEAT FREESTYLE, BY KENDRICK LAMAR KNUCK IF YOU BUCK, BY CRIME MOB SILVIA CARDULLO/PSU VANGUARD

COMIC BY RACHEL GOLDSTEIN

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VANGUARD • MARCH 8, 2016 • PSUVANGUARD.COM

Night Out Guide 2016

GETTING READY: LIFE HACKS & TIPS

CATHERINE JOHNSON

SILVIA CARDULLO/PSU VANGUARD IT MAY NOT BE SPRING yet, but spring is in the air. Sporadic sunny days and increasingly warmer temperatures mean people are starting to emerge from winter hibernation, and going out is about to hit the next level.

It’s time to rotate your wardrobe, step up your game, and take advantage of the city’s nightlife. Here are some tips: GET DRESSED. There are lots of things to take into consideration: weather, venue, crowd. But above all, dress for comfort, whatever that means to you. For some that might mean three inch stilettos and a plunging neckline.

For others that’s holey jeans and a wornin hoodie. But do you. There’s nothing worse than dressing the way you think you “should” only to get out on the town and be totally miserable in your own skin.

GATHER THE ESSENTIALS. Only bring what you’re really going to need.

You don’t want to be weighed down by extraneous stuff, and it’s not crazy to think something could go missing as you dance the night away, or hop from one club to the next.

If you’re not going to use it, don’t bring it.

It’s also smart to set limits. Only bring the amount of money you’re actually willing to spend. Credit cards can be dangerous for this reason and there’s always the chance you’ll leave your tab open and trot off into the night without it.

Your ID, money, fully-charged phone, lip balm and the key to your home is probably it.

After all, do you really want to explain to your boss how you lost your key to the office? (Trust me, it sucks.) Or risk having to replace everything in your wallet if you leave it in the back of a taxi? (Yup, done that too.) Keep it simple.

PRE-GAME. If you’re on a budget, pre-gaming is not only fun, but can be an essential part of

Now located at NE Williams and Tillamook! making a little money go a long way. Instead of buying most of your drinks out at the bar for quadruple the price and spending all that time waiting in line, get your buzz on at home with your friends. You can drink what you want for a fraction of the cost.

Pre-gaming also includes eating.

There’s something to be said for having a solid base in your stomach. Don’t drink on empty; Eat a decent meal that’s satisfying, but won’t put you in a food coma. You’ll want that energy for dancing or talking up a cute stranger.

PLAN YOUR TRANSPORTATION. Make sure you know how you’re getting around safely. Maybe that’s a taxi, public transit or a designated driver. Figure out the logistics first and stick to the plan.

PREPARE FOR THE MORNING AFTER. This might be the most important tip for a successful evening, and a minimally painful day to come. Before you leave the house or have your first drink, put a glass of water and anti-inflammatory of choice in a prime location. The kitchen counter or next to your bed, are best bets. Make sure whatever provisions you’ll be craving for recovery are on call.

If you want to bounce back the next day with something healthy, stock up on these goodies for a healthy, hydrating smoothie: coconut water, banana, dates, spinach, berries, chia seeds and a probiotic (like yogurt).

If you know you’ll be craving some real food, think about getting eggs and toast or oatmeal for breakfast. If you won’t beup before 3 p.m., think about a light brothy soup that will be easy on your tummy.

Chances are, you know how you like to party. plan accordingly.

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VANGUARD • MARCH 8, 2016 • PSUVANGUARD.COM

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Night Out Guide 2016

A NIGHT OUT INSIDE

Night-in Drink Recipes GRAY BOUCHAT SATURDAY NIGHT COMES AROUND AND you’re deciding whether or not you really want to put on a face of make up or get out your expensive cologne: is it really worth it? Yeah, you could maybe meet some new people, but really, who wants to waste time with that? Instead, put on some sweatpants and turn on your favorite Netflix series… but WAIT! What beverage can accompany your binge watching? A Cherry Manhattan?

Scotch and soda? A Hot Toddy? Coke and Lime? Don’t let the damper of having to concoct a drink deter you from your Night Out Inside! There are plenty of creative twists, alcoholic and not, to stir up your evening.

For those who aren’t of age to partake in the luxuries of alcohol, we have a drink for you! Instead of hard liquor and a friendly hangover in the morning, this virgin drink escapes to the tropical island of flavor.

AGAVE LACROIX: 1 can of coconut flavored LaCroix sparkling water Coarse sugar ½ cup of agave nectar Pour the LaCroix into a chilled glass with coarse sugar around the rim. Pour agave nectar into glass and stir thoroughly. It’s bound to taste like coke!

But let’s face it: what’s the point of a drink if it doesn’t make you feel light in the head

and make your favorite character in that Netflix series 10 times hotter? If you’re really looking for a good time, try this chocolate lover’s drink: THE CHOCOLATE AFFAIR: Chocolate syrup Vodka Ghirardelli chocolate sauce Godiva chocolate liqueur Pour some Ghirardelli chocolate sauce into the bottom of a martini glass. Then squeeze chocolate syrup in an intricate design within the glass. Then add equal parts Godiva chocolate liqueur and vodka. Optional: finish with mint or bay leaves.

Yum… Okay, wait a minute. Let’s refer back to the hangover-free beverages. Even for those of you who are twenty-one and older, let’s face it: sometimes, it’s nice to have a clear mind so Ryan Reynolds can look extra chiseled rather than a random blur dashing on your screen. Another virgin drink is inspired by the dainty daiquiri.

STRAWBERRY LIME VIRGIN DAIQUIRI: 2 oz. of strawberry syrup 1 cup fresh strawberries ¼ cup lime juice Ice

SILVIA CARDULLO/PSU VANGUARD Put the strawberry syrup, prepped strawberries, lime juice and ice into a blender and pulse until blended to your liking. Pour into a chilled glass. Optional: Add a slice of lime or mint leaves as garnish!

Now, let’s end on an alcoholic note, of course; however, instead of a drink, let’s make a snack! This one is really easy: Get any kind of gummy you like (worms, bears, Flintstones) and pour them into a vodka bottle. Not only is it a beautiful centerpiece, but delicious munchies as well! You can let them soak for as long as

you want, but of course, the longer you let them soak, the better. If you’re not feeling vodka gummies that night, you could even leave them in there for a week or two to have a really strong flavor! (WARNING: gummies may become slimy).

So there you have it folks. Some neat ideas on what to do on a Night Out Inside!

Of course, these are only a few examples of some pretty creative drink ideas. This Saturday or maybe the next, find some close friends, a decent show and have some fun in the kitchen.

OUTSTANDING VIEWPOINTS FOR YOUR NIGHT OUT BRIE BARBEE THE PACIFIC NORTHWEST IS KNOWN for its beautiful landscapes and scenery.

With mountains, rivers, valleys, forests and sandy beaches, no one can deny we live in a gorgeous area. But natural beauty isn’t the only thing the Northwest has to offer.

Despite being a large city, Portland and the surrounding suburbs are still incredibly beautiful. If you happen to be out on the town, you might consider taking a detour to see some stunning city landscapes and viewpoints.

VANCOUVER Although Vancouver isn’t as popular of a nighttime destination as Portland, late-night activities are increasing in the area. Located just 20 minutes from downtown Portland, the Vancouver waterfront, which overlooks the Columbia River, is an awe-inspiring sight.

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I-5 BRIDGE FROM VANCOUVER AT SUNSET. There’s a paved trail that runs parallel to water, spotted with restaurants and coffee shops, including a McMenamins and Savona Coffee House. It’s also just a short walk to downtown Vancouver, where there are more restaurants and bars to explore, as well as the site for the region’s oldest apple tree.

PITTOCK MANSION Pittock Mansion is located in the West Hills of Portland, just a short drive from the Alphabet district. The French Renaissancestyle château is an excellent example of period architecture. Overlooking the property, you will see an amazing view of the Portland cityscape.

During the daytime, provided it’s a clear day, you can see mountains in the distance.

At night, the city is aglow with neon nights, stretching out in all directions as far as you can see. This viewpoint is the perfect end

VANGUARD • MARCH 8, 2016 • PSUVANGUARD.COM

to a day-long hike in Forest Park or weekend activity on NW 23rd.

NORTHWEST WATERFRONT If the Vancouver waterfront is too far of a drive for your night time merriment, the downtown shores of the Willamette River are also dazzling. Located just off of Naito Parkway on the southern end of Northwest Portland, there are some incredible sights to see.

From the many bridges that inspire the unofficial name of the city, to the iconic glass towers of the convention center, the waterfront is worth a stop or a detour during your nighttime activities.

COUNCIL CREST PARK Located in Southwest Portland, Council Crest Park offers a fantastic 180-degree

COURTESY OF TEAM HYMAS view of downtown Portland and Beaverton. According to the City of Portland, it’s thought to be the highest point in the city at 1,073 feet.

The park might be one of the most out-of-the-way viewpoints on this list, but still offers some incredible sights.

Since it is surrounded by a residential area, it’s also one of the most peaceful.

So the next time you’re out on the town or just interested in exploring more of the city, consider searching out some of these nighttime vistas or the many others that dot the area.

Trees and mountains might be beautiful in their own right, but don’t discredit the beauty of a city and other manmade landmarks.

For more night-time photos, visit http://psuvanguard.com/outstandingviewpoints-for-your-night-out/

Night Out Guide 2016

YOU’RE GONNA WEAR THAT?!

Pointers for covering your birthday suit before you go out COLLEEN LEARY START WITH THE FEET The most important thing to remember when planning an outfit is to start with the feet— and not just your shoes. I plan my outfits from the socks on up. You just cannot respectably leave the house in plain ol’ white or black socks. I can’t even tell you how much better you’ll feel about life in general if you invest in a few pairs of patterned socks that coordinate with the rest of your Night-Outfit. My favorite patterned socks are Stance socks.

They do not pay me to endorse them, but I will do it for free until the day I die.

DANCE IT OUT There are two schools of thought when it comes to what you should wear to go dancing. The first camp is the dancer who goes out in heels. It may seem counterintuitive to attempt footwork while your feet are crammed atop tiny stilts that throw off your balance and act as menacing stabby-spears for anyone sharing the floor with your fancy dancy shoes. That said, dancing in heels makes your legs look phenomenal and launches a normal booty drop into the “Oh shiiit. I wanna get next to you.”

The second camp of dancer is the sneakerdancer. The right pair of high tops can make for an endless night of dancing that avoids the embarrassing inevitability of stumbling in your heels and stabbing your dance partner’s toesies in the process. If you go the sneaker route, make sure there’s some bend in your soles and get your freak on all night long.

DIVEY NIGHT If you’re just grabbing a drink at a local dive with an old friend, you might be tempted to ignore putting any effort into your outfit.

But what makes you think your bestie wants to look at your sloppy-ass outfit all night?

Just because you’ve already charmed your friend’s pants off doesn’t mean you have to wear pants with all the charm rubbed off.

Getting Divey doesn’t mean you need to look like a complete slob. In general, I say skip the sweatpants. There’s a caveat to this: You can wear “sweatpants” if they’re black, they’re fitted or have a drop-crotch or any other element that shows they’re meant for style and not just comfort. If this is confusing to you, skip them all together and go for a comfortable pair of black jeans, clean sneakers and a t-shirt that’s not covered in ketchup stains.

GUSSY IT UP Most Portlanders can be found out on the town in jeans, beanies and flannels. That doesn’t mean you’re limited to this Pacific Northwest Tuxedo. If you want to wear a sexy cocktail dress with heels and a fur [or faux fur if you don’t want to offend the masses], go ahead and get it. You might feel overdressed, but I say fuck ‘em. If you wanna get fancy, own it. If you’re going to go this route, keep it simple. Don’t over-accessorize and make sure you wear a layer to protect you from the elements.

Rest assured, no matter what you choose to wear, there will always be someone at the bar wearing cat ears and a raccoon tail, and you probably look better than them —but sorry, you probably get paid less, too.

ILLUSTRATION BY SHANNON KIDD

VANGUARD • MARCH 8, 2016 • PSUVANGUARD.COM

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Night Out Guide 2016

EAT YOURSELF TO SHAME THE BANG BANG WAY

TURNER LOBEY

AS IF AMERICANS NEEDED MORE opportunities to revel in gluttony, Louis C.K. gave us an exciting new way to eat ourselves to shame with the Bang Bang. First introduced in episode 3 of Louie’s fourth season, the Bang Bang is the ideal way for you to get out there and eat until you feel like a sweaty piece of human garbage. The premise is simple: Louie and his brother eat an entire meal at one restaurant, then immediately go to another restaurant and eat a full second meal. One-two. Bang Bang.

This might sound like a disgusting way to punish your body. But it has its perks. If you can’t decide on Mexican food or sushi, don’t sweat it. You can have both. Pizza or Thai food? Why not pizza and Thai food? If this sounds like a gluttonous cop-out of decision making, you’re exactly right. Or maybe you’ve been struggling to actually start that diet? I’d recommend a Bang Bang. After a single Bang Bang, the shame from gastrointestinal pain and sweaty diarrhea will drive you to healthy living like no other.

PARTICIPATING IN A BANG BANG IS SIMPLE. THERE ARE REALLY ONLY FIVE STEPS: 1. Go to a restaurant.

2. Eat a full meal. Drinks and side

dishes are highly encouraged.

3. Immediately go to another restau rant.

4. Eat a full meal. Drinks and side

dishes are highly encouraged.

5. Don’t die.

If you’re looking for inspiration, here are some options for your own personal downtown Bang Bang adventure. Mix and match for maximum torture!

PIZZA: THERE ARE PLENTY OF PIZZA options on or near campus, so you’re lucky enough to be able to pick your personal poison.

Portland State has a Pizza Schmizza, Hot Lips and Pizzicato right on campus. While you might get better pizza at Hot Lips or Pizzicato, Schmizza has giant mighty mugs of beer—ideal for washing down the obscene amount of dough and cheese you’re forcing down your throat.

MEXICAN: PSU IS GREAT FOR A few reasons, but the best reason is its plethora of mexican eatery options. And no, goddamnit, Chipotle doesn’t count as Mexican food and isn’t something you should consider for the Bang Bang (you’re already doing enough damage to your poor, poor body, so don’t

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punish it more than you have to). Chopollos, located in the food cart pod on SW 4th, is a stellar choice. And with the to-go option, you won’t have to worry about a room full of people watching you stuff your sad face.

Thai Food:

BAAN THAI IS THE BEST thai food on or near campus and they make it goddamn spicy. It’s slightly more expensive than what you’d spend at the nearby food carts, but the $2–3 difference is definitely worth it.

Most options run $10–15 during regular hours, but you can get nearly the full menu for under $10 during lunch hours BBQ: MISSISSIPPI’S DELTA BBQ IS DAMN good BBQ and is the BBQ you should be eating if you want to eat BBQ on your Bang Bang.

The good news is that their cart is on the PSU campus right next to the library. The even better news is that you can get a large smoked beef brisket sandwich with coleslaw and sauce for only $5. So, hell.

Get two. Or three. Just eat it until you hurt.

It’s the Bang Bang way.

DINER: WITH ITEMS LIKE HAMBURGERS WITH donuts for buns, poutine, and milkshakes with booze in them on the menu, The Original is the go-to diner for your Bang Bang. Just a quick hop on the MAX from PSU, it’s a solid stop to eat your way past a belt loop or two.

RAMEN: JUST A QUICK WALK OVER to 223 SW Columbia, The House of Ramen is a solid option for you to get your noodle on. Most options are under $10, and you can upgrade your order to a meal, which means a side of edamame and draft micro beer, for just $6.25 (but $5.75 if you want domestic).

SUSHI: SUSHI OPTIONS DOWNTOWN AREN’T AS plentiful as one would like. I would recommend Bluefin Sushi on campus, but the last time I was there my order of tuna rolls came with a complimentary serving of gnats. It’s worth it to make a trip off PSU-proper and head to Sushi Ichiban, which boasts the best conveyor belt sushi near campus. Chef’s Specials range from $1.50–$2.50, so you have plenty of options for cheap, which is ideal when you’re looking to gorge yourself on a student budget.

VANGUARD • MARCH 8, 2016 • PSUVANGUARD.COM

ILLUSTRATIONS BY TERRA DEHART

Night Out Guide 2016

TAKE YOUR NIGHT OUT TO A NEW LEVEL Your guide to an exotic night out MOLLY OZIER BEFORE LOCKING IN THAT UBER you’ve been anxiously wanting to call, first things first! Where are you going to go on this ever so alluring evening? Instead of returning to your neighborhood bar (again), try out one of these tantalizing venues: GET THEMEY WITH IT! For all you Bad Wolves out there, The Fish & Chips Shop—better known as the Tardis Room—has become a go-to staple for diehard Whovians. Whether you’re looking for a companion or can’t get enough of owner Michael Shillingford’s authentic fish and chips, the Tardis Room is sure to exterminate any doubts you may have about its originality. After Shillingford realized the door to the loo looked very similar to a police box, the London native crafted his bar after the longest running television series, “Doctor Who.” Even if Matt Smith isn’t your cup of tea, the Tardis Room has plenty to offer its patrons—a pool table, finger lickin’ good food, or even a detailed explanation in scarf wrapping. But I can’t give away too many spoilers…

In the heart of sunny Portland lies a very unique bar, The Lovecraft. Before step-

ping into this establishment, take a moment to think about whether or not you’re really ready for this horror-filled good time. With fog coming at you from every angle, a coffin in the corner and a giant Necronomicon Gate looming overhead, you may feel as though you’ve stepped onto the set of Buffy.

Lovecraft is best known for its dance nights which range in theme from punk ’80s/’90s night to dark electro. When it’s not a night to get your freak on, Lovecraft hosts burlesque shows, concerts or even tarot card readings.

Things can get quickly mystified in this house of witchcraft. No khakis allowed.

Ever wanted to run off with the circus?

Funhouse Lounge is your one night escape full of clowns and improv. Decked out in ’80s chic decor, Funhouse feels as though you’ve stepped into that scene in Fear & Loathing in Las Vegas— with less trapeze artists… and possibly less coke. They aren’t messing around when they say no cocktails at this joint; only shots, beer and whimsical standup comedy.

NERD ALERT: Looking for a place to sip on some hops and fight some dragons? Guardian Games

LEVELING UP.

SILVIA CARDULLO/PSU VANGUARD

is the store for you. Although you can play throughout the warehouse, The Critical Sip offers over 100 beverages to choose from while you sip on a brewski and try to roll a crit. Guardian has a plethora of games to chose from, but on Wednesday nights the masters roll out in the Dungeon Room for some hardcore D&D time. Private rooms available.

FUNK IT UP! There’s nothing better than a room filled with sweaty people as the DJ plays your favorite oldies. At The Goodfoot, every Friday night is time for you to throw on your dancing shoes and get your funk on as vinyl DJs spin the sounds of Jackie Wilson, Bobby Day and many more. This small venue will pack itself to the brim, so be sure to wear easily removable layers. The cocktails come just like the groovy beats: smooth.

Don’t be confused, The Liquor Store is not actually a liquor store. Instead, this

hipster dive serves top-notch cocktails, offers a black and white photo booth, and plays silent movies. Its signature move—a personal favorite—is that your tab comes in an old time book that smells like your grandma’s house. One of the best parts about The Liquor Store is the basement space, where people can get their groove on. Ranging in music styles from house to metal, the array of sounds displayed is just about for anyone.

Whether you’re belting your heart out singing karaoke or shaking ya tail feather on the dance floor to musical beats ranging from folk to soul, Spare Room will make you leave your worries behind. The wannabe grandpas accompany the youngat-heart as they bond from the pool-hall to the dance floor. This temple of fun stands head-and-shoulders above dive bars in a city populated by watering holes.

There’s plenty to chose from in the City of Roses; where will your night take you?

ONE NIGHT GET AWAY! YESENIA RAMOS

TAKE A SHOWER, WASH YOUR face, put some pants on: we’re going out. It doesn’t have to be for long, it doesn’t even have to be expensive, but it’s not free, sorry.

Stay in Oregon, drive to Seattle—hell, go to California just for a one night get away. Just do something!

LA CONNER, WA HOTEL PLANTER An hour north of Seattle is the Hotel Planter, which is known for its historic and antique aesthetic. Imagine having a long day of kayaking, fishing or water rafting on the Swinomish Channel, walking through the waterfront then making your way to the art and craft galleries, shops and restaurants. The only thing that needs to happen is to rest and unwind at a private courtyard with a glass of wine to make it a perfect day. LivingSocial can provide this ideal day at Hotel Planter with rates starting at $75. It includes either a queen, deluxe or double room on any day of the week and a Buy One, Get One Wine Tasting at Sips Wine Bar and Bottle Shop. This deal lasts until June 30, 2016.

DAYTON, OR PRIVATE VINTAGE TRAILER Stay at a Private Vintage Trailer located at the Willamette Wine Country RV Park and enjoy a complimentary wine tasting at two local wineries. They also provide two bikes to travel along during the stay. Choose from 17 trailers with heating and air conditioning and sleeps from three to five people. There is a kitchen, private bathroom, a dining table or couch, a brand new refrigerator and microwave, flat-screen TV, and outdoor patio space. Through LivingSocial, rates are $79 for a night and $148 for two nights; special ends June 15, 2016.

SEASIDE, OR INN AT SEASIDE On the coast of Oregon is Inn at Seaside, where there are many activities. The inn offers bumper boats, bike riding, surfing, golfing, fishing, crabbing, picnics, volleyball, factory outlet stores, bird watching, seaside aquarium, aquatic center and a skate park. In the hotel, there is a heated indoor pool, some pet-friendly rooms, a guest laundry center and even

a full kitchen in some rooms. Rates start at around $75 for a king bed, $84 for two queen beds.

SISTERS, OR FIVE PINE LODGE AND SPA This one is for the spender. Think of it as a bed and breakfast: cozy, private and a romantic getaway. Five Pine Lodge and Spa is where it’s at. It is located by Shibui Spa,

SEASIDE, OREGON AT SUNSET.

Three Creeks Brewing, Sisters Movie House and Sisters Athletic Club. Within walking distance is a trail that leads to downtown Sisters. This is the perfect place for passionate mountain bikers and hikers because just behind the cabin are the Three Sisters Mountains. These rooms vary, but rates start at $134 for the patio lodge suite.

Now save up and do some fun shit!

COURTESY OF USER UNCONCERNED THROUGH WIKIMEDIA COMMONS.

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ILLUSTRATION BY SILVIA CARDULLO

Night Out Guide 2016

OUT ON THE BLOCKS WE CALL IT MURDER

Why do the crows come out at night?

If you’ve happened onto the Portland State Park Blocks just before dusk any time in the past few months, you may have noticed something peculiar, weird, eery and downright creepy lurking overhead.

Every night as the sun begins to set, a cacophony of ca-caws fills the sky as a menacing murder of crows descends upon the sce-

nic tree-lined Park Blocks spanning through the length of PSU’s campus.

Where did these birds come from?

Where are they going? And what do they do all night?

Below you’ll find our depiction of what we’d like to think the crows are up to after sundown.

For the real story of the crows, look to the Vanguard’s Spring Welcome Back issue—which hits the stands March 29.

ILLUSTRATION BY TERRA DEHART

VANGUARD • MARCH 8, 2016 • PSUVANGUARD.COM

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Night Out Guide 2016

RELEASE YOUR INNER EXPOSITIONIST MOLLY OZIER

HAVE YOU AND YOUR PARTNER hit a lull in the bedroom? Are you ready to spice things up elsewhere? Here are some tips for pushing those limits!

It’s that time: your libido is pulsating, you don’t want to wait for your Uber to show up, where oh where can you go?

Have you ever wondered where you can do it on campus? Well, you can’t do it in the Park Blocks, without the fear of campus police catching you, and all the buildings seem to be locked…Why not try the library!

The half moon shaped hall of books offers a lovely array of study rooms. The rooms are only accessible by key and are surprisingly sound proof. Furnished with tables and chairs, feel free to test your flexibility in the small space. Take a break from that study grind, and try grinding out some of that tension the good old way.

It’s one of those beautiful summer nights in Portland, and you’re sweating. But not from the heat—oh no—from the need that’s coming from your fire down below.

You and your honey are walking along the Waterfront and you come across one of the many underpasses that provide plenty of shadows. Why not beat one out under the many bridges of Portland? Obviously there’s the chance of a person who’s experiencing homelessness to catch you two, but let’s be honest, it’s probably not the craziest things they’ve seen in the City of Roses. Just remember, safety first!

Scattered around Portland are top of the line bathrooms that go by the name, Portland Loos. Have you ever wondered

what happens in one of those bad boys?

Why don’t you get in there and find out, ya stud muffin! Easily accessible from various parts around town—including the South Park Blocks—these loos are your ticket to a dirty adventure. Unless you’re looking for a third party, watch out, apparently they’re cleaned twice a day.

Where my wild things at? You’re walking through Forest Park with your bae—pulses are rising, heart rates are racing, let’s get wild! With the protection of the greenery all around you, make a bed in the leaves and bring your inner caveman/woman out of you! Or take that dog inside you for a walk around the park and use a tree as support. Nothing says intimacy like the possibility of some hikers passing by.

Let the nerd out of you and explore Oregon Museum of Science and Industry for a day. Only this tour won’t be like your average day at the museum. OMSI After Dark opens its doors to those of us 21 and over, where we are free to explore those dark nooks and crannies with booze in hand. Let the fluids run through you and release those inhibitions. You may be surprised how science and drinking can lead us to do some pretty raunchy things.

March 30 marks its Soaring Science exhibit where you can shoot off water rockets. Let’s see if we can’t launch our own rocket…

Within the circumference of this city lies many deep, dark secrets just waiting to be discovered; get on out there and find the best fit for you.

ILLUSTRATION BY TERRA DEHART

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VANGUARD • MARCH 8, 2016 • PSUVANGUARD.COM

Night Out Guide 2016

SAFETY FIRST: TIPS AND TRICKS TO GET YOU THROUGH THE NIGHT

Quick tips for self-defense and safe outings ADRIANA STEIN PORTLAND STATE ISSUED A CRIME alert email on Feb. 19 that reported 14 car break-ins since Feb. 1 in various parking structures around campus.

At 9:30 p.m. on Feb. 17, a male student was confronted by an assailant attempting to break into a car.

The Campus Public Safety Office offered tips to students for crime prevention fol-

lowing the description of the incident. No strategies offered included self-defense.

GET AROUND SAFELY Before leaving for your night out, plan to have a safe ride home. Let someone know where you are or walk/drive together. If you plan to take an Uber, Lyft or cab, be sure your phone is charged. When walking,

avoid badly lit or isolated areas. Keep your cell phone handy in case you need to make an emergency call. Be aware of the environment around you. Note others’ movements and remember your surroundings.

After the fun’s over, if you have to take the bus, wait in a well-lit area. Once on the bus, sit up front and share a friendly chat with the bus driver—especially if you’re alone. This will leave you less isolated, but also make the ride go faster.

If you plan to drive, try to park in a busy area. Make sure nothing valuable is visible, and keep your keys ready and your phone within quick reach when returning to your vehicle.

AVOID DANGEROUS ENCOUNTERS The Ali Kemp Educational Foundation (T.A.K.E.), an organization focused on selfdefense and safety awareness, stated that “Knowledge is the best defense.” Take note of a few of their examples: If you’re walking and a car pulls up beside you, increase your distance away from the moving vehicle. Take note of the license plate number if you get the chance.

If someone is following you, make it obvious that you notice your follower. They may give up just because you’re suspicious. You can also change directions and head toward other groups of people or go into a store.

If someone follows you while you’re driving, don’t head straight home and exit your vehicle. Go straight to a police

station or a nearby business and ask for help.

If you are being assaulted, let them take your valuables without force. Arguing or fighting could escalate the situation and leave you injured, which is worse than letting those things go. Your well-being is far more valuable.

And most importantly, follow your instincts.

A COUPLE EASY SELF-DEFENSE MOVES: CBS News outlined two simple self-defense moves.

The first is known as “The V-Trigger” and recommended to use when grabbed by one arm. First, curl your free hand into a fist. Second, “Look for a spot on the back of the attacker’s hand that is directly below the V formed by the first and second fingers and close to the knuckles,” Third, punch that spot. Then make sure to run and scream to attract attention.

Another move called “Shin Insertion” works best when both your hands are restrained. Use your foot to kick upward as hard as you can at a 45-degree angle.

Continue this until the attacker stops, and then make sure to yell and run for help.

If you’re interested in trying out some moves for yourself, a section within the Portland Police Bureau, “Women Strength,” has taught free self-defense classes since 1979.

RESOURCES FOR SURVIVORS: PSU offers various resources for those who are survivors of sexual assault and violence. They are listed in a PDF from the Women’s Resource Center.

The WRC hosts an annual event called, “Take Back the Night,” an event focused on “eliminating sexual and domestic violence in all forms,” said Sheena Ino, the WRC’s Leadership Development Coordinator. Since 2002, Take Back the Night’s goals focused on increasing awareness through survivor led activism and teaching the community about prevention. The next Take Back the Night takes place with Sexual Assault Awareness Month and will be on April 26 from 9 a.m. to 4 p.m. in Smith Memorial Student Union. If you are interested in attending, register today. This event is free and open to the public.

Don’t wait for an assault to happen to you; take action and be ready to defend yourself.

If you are on campus and feel you are in danger, don’t hesitate to call CPSO: (503)-725-4404.

If it is an emergency off campus call 911.

A NE’ER-DO-WELL STREET TOUGH SILVIA CARDULLO/PSU VANGUARD

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Night Out Guide 2016

THE LAST TIME I SAW MY NIGHTLIFE Hitting the Town as a Parent BRIE BARBEE

A LOT WILL CHANGE WHEN YOU decide to have kids, including the way you navigate your nightlife.

Gone are the days of crashing parties and last-minute plans. Now you have to plan ahead—sometimes weeks in advance—to find a babysitter, plan meals and activities, set a curfew for your kids (and for yourself), and make you sure you stay sober enough to take care of the tiny humans left in your care when you return.

If you happen to be the first of your friends to have kids, that can complicate things.

Your childless friends might not realize the time and effort you put into going out or that you don’t necessarily want to do the same things you enjoyed just a few years ago. Instead of going out to a bar, you might find you would much rather go out to a nice dinner and see the new Deadpool movie.

So how do you go about reinventing your nightlife without sacrificing fun and time spent hanging out with your friends?

MAKE FRIENDS WITH OTHER FAMILIES Making friends with other families doesn’t mean abandoning your old friends because they’re not at the same point in their lives as you are. However, the people who will know best what you are going through and the demands of parenting are other parents.

Having more friends with children also makes it easier to find family-friendly activities on the weekends. If going out dancing is not everyone’s priority, it can make it easier to find fun things to do. You might even be able to convince a few friends to babysit for you in exchange for your babysitting their kids the next time they want to go out.

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DO FUN STUFF WITH YOUR FRIENDS AT HOME Even easier than trying to coordinate babysitters or family-friendly nights out is hosting a night in with your friends. This can be a much cheaper alternative to hitting the town, food and drinks will be cheaper, and in many cases you won’t even need to find a babysitter.

You can still drink, play board games or cards, watch movies or coordinate other fun activities without everyone needing to be 21. If you have friends with children, they can bring their kids along as well, so both children and adults can hang out and have a good time.

VANGUARD • MARCH 8, 2016 • PSUVANGUARD.COM

ASK OTHER FRIENDS AND FAMILY MEMBERS FOR HELP As mentioned above, friends with children can be a very valuable resource when you are looking for someone to watch your kids, especially if you’re willing to watch theirs in return. But don’t be afraid to ask other family members if they can help out.

A lot of people, especially grandparents, will jump at any opportunity to spend oneon-one time with their younger relatives.

Asking people you know, instead of using a babysitting service, can also save you money in the long run. You might even be able to make trades or do favors in exchange for the night off.

DON’T FEEL GUILTY ABOUT WANTING TO GO OUT But perhaps most importantly, don’t feel bad about wanting to go out and have a good time without your kids. Raising children is a lot of work and you deserve to have a good time and take off the parenting cap every once in a while.

Just because you have kids doesn’t mean you aren’t allowed to go out and hang out with your friends. If you’re feeling stressed or burnt out, a night out on the town can do you a lot of good.

For students at Portland State, make sure to visit the Resource Center for Students with Children for answers to frequently asked questions and other important resources for parents. The RCSC is located in Smith Memorial Student Union 462 and is open from 8:00 a.m. to 5:00 p.m.

Night Out Guide 2016

SOBER NIGHT OUT ADRIANA STEIN

ARE YOU UNDER 21 OR just feeling like a sober night out, but still want to take part in the nightlife around Portland? If so, here are some options: IF YOU WANT INTERACTIVE FUN… MINI GOLF ADVENTURES Try mini-golf! With two locations, one downtown and the other in Beaverton, Glowing Greens Mini Golf provides a great atmosphere with its black light mini-golf.

With 18 holes, this venue lets you get to know a friend, take someone on a date or accompany the whole family. They are open until 10 p.m. on weeknights and midnight on the weekends. Minors are welcome the whole time.

ARCADE CRUSADES Avalon Theater and Wunderland are full of cheap (25 cents) to play classic and modern arcade games. They have five easily accessible locations spanning the Portland area. The game room entrance fee is less than three dollars. They can entertain everyone from kids to teenagers to adults, and are open until 11 p.m. on weeknights and midnight on the weekends. For additional fees, they have 3-D movies and laser tag. Snacks are also available.

SOBER DANCING If you’re into dancing, The Escape Nightclub and the FX Nightclub offer places to dance for those under 21 and are open late.

IF YOU GET THE LATE NIGHT MUNCHIES… NAUGHTY DOUGHNUTS Open 24/7, the famous Voodoo Doughnuts is probably the kookiest place to buy a doughnut and has many vegan options. The line is often serenaded by street performers and once inside the decoration makes the wait worth it. Oh, and it’s possible to witness a wedding or two along the way.

GREASY SPOON DELIGHT The 24-hour Original Hotcake House serves meals for every type of craving, whether it be breakfast, lunch or dinner.

Their menu includes all types of American classics like cheeseburgers and pancakes.

Located on SE Powell just outside of downtown, this restaurant works as a quick solo stop or a spot to feed the whole family.

FOOD CART CRAWL Food carts make up a large portion of Portland’s food scene. There are food cart

pods located on Hawthorne, Belmont, Division and downtown. The food is inexpensive and quickly made, but the results are worth it. The Portland Mercado provides all sorts of authentic and quality meals from Hispanic and Latin traditions.

Many carts are open as late as 11 p.m.

IF YOU WANT SOME ENTERTAINMENT… RAD LIVE MUSIC Most of the music venues in Portland offer concerts for those under 21. There is the Hawthorne Theater, Crystal Ballroom and the Roseland Theater, just to name a few.

The website pc-pdx.com is a great way to scroll through the calendar for shows all over Portland. You can filter between 21+ and all ages. Many of these concerts are free or $5-$10 and are small enough to get a great view of the artist. Book tickets early for the main theaters, as they can sell out months in advance for popular artists.

COMEDY CLUBBIN’ There are also comedy venues across Portland that provide low-cost or free shows. Helium Comedy Club is free to attend and open to 18+ on Tuesday’s open mic nights. Curious Comedy Club is always open to all ages, although they do not censor content. Food is available.

POETRY SLAMMIN’ The Portland Poetry Slam showcases both open mic and slam poetry competitions, and hosts various feature poets from around the nation. Working on an every other week schedule, they are located in the top Mezzanine of Portland Center Stage downtown. The show is free and open to the public, though donations are greatly appreciated. Drink and food are offered are the level below which also includes a homemade cake vending machine (it’s good cake!). All ages are welcome to attend and shows begin at 6:30 p.m. on Sundays.

ILLUSTRATION BY PETER LE

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PORTLAND STATE AWESOMENESS PSU also provides options for a fun sober night out. The PSU Theater hosts all sorts of plays, musicals and opera made both locally and abroad. PSU students get reduced prices on their tickets. 5th Avenue Cinema is located on the PSU Campus and is free for PSU students. Free popcorn is available and they sell candy for $1.

The PSU Event Calendar also lists events hosted by clubs and organizations around PSU A comprehensive food cart guide can be found at: http://www.foodcartsportland.com/

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VANGUARD • MARCH 8, 2016 • PSUVANGUARD.COM

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Night Out Guide 2016

WHERE TO TAKE YOUR MILF TO MEET A DILF ELLIE BRADLEY

PARENTS HAVE A TENDENCY TO drop in on their spawn from time to time, whether those children are in their freshman year or pushing toward the finish line of graduate school. When family comes to town, it’s your job to play tour guide, putting assignments and social agendas on hold for an evening…or two…or three.

For those of us with single parents, the job of tour guide can sometimes morph into unexpected roles: matchmaker, designated driver, stylist, beer buddy, wingman, etc. In essence, expect the unexpected when single parents come to town. Call me Yenta and let’s move along.

STEP 1: EXPLAINING HOW THINGS WORK Depending on how long your parent has been flying solo, you may need to help them navigate the modern world (think “Unbreakable Kimmy Schmidt” emerging from her bunker). Dating works differently than it did before the Internet. Hell, the world works differently than it did before the Internet. Be patient with your MILF or DILF as they ask all sorts of questions about how our generation defines relationships. Need an icebreaker? Explaining what a MILF is will surely liven up conversation.

STEP 2: ABANDON YOUR BUDGET FOR ONE NIGHT Yes, most students are on a pretty strict budget. While there’s no harm in letting your parents experience dollar beers and all-you-can eat wings, single parents often need a little encouragement to explore the world outside of their safety bubble.

Cut the ramen noodle cord tethering you to the comforts of cheap eats, change out of your “work out” gear and head somewhere that puts real candles on the tables and doesn’t cover their menus in plastic.

STEP 3: DON’T FRET OVER AN AGENDA As trite as it sounds, shared time is what matters, so go with a rough agenda and adapt as necessary. Wait times at some bars and restaurants can exceed two hours; put your name on the list and use that time to explore nearby shops. If you’re catching a late show,

JAM OUT WITH YOUR MAM OUT Two Vanguard staffers and their (single) mom’s went out for a night on the town.

Here’s what we learned: • Cool places require reservations well in advance, or lots of time to kill.

Start your evening early. Our picks: Multnomah Whiskey Library, Pepe Le Moko, Clyde Commons.

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grab a drink at a neighborhood bar or coffee shop where you can sit in the window and take in the PDX people-watching scene.

TEP 4: WAIT, WHY DOES IT SOUND S LIKE I’M TAKING MY MOM/DAD ON A DATE? The purpose of dating is the same as spending one-on-one time with a parent: getting to know each other. Single parent dynamics differ from those oriented around a larger family. Which leads me to…

STEP 5: ASK QUESTIONS (AND ORDER ANOTHER ROUND OF DRINKS) With the caveat that it’s not your job to play therapist, MILF’s night out is a great time to learn something new about your mom. Following years of the predictable “How was your day?” question, conversations with parents change dramatically when they’re on their own. Ask mom or dad about their job, their social life, their hobbies, etc. Single parents have to redefine themselves as individuals—much like college students. It’s a great time to learn from each other.

STEP 6: SCARE THEM, JUST A LITTLE Horizons are meant to be broadened, right? Whether its your MILF or DILF coming to town, plan an activity that expands their repertoire of extracurriculars. Take in a drag show at Embers or Darcelle’s, grab a flight of beer and show your mom that not all beers taste bad, squeeze onto the MAX during peak hours, or make them talk to the signature collectors in the park blocks. Ahhhh, Portland.

Portland is a city full of enticing food, quirky commodities and eccentric people.

Whether your parent has lived in the area most their lives or is visiting for the first time, there will always be something new to explore. More importantly, there will always be something new to learn about your parent (see box below). When navigating a visit with your single parent, have compassion, be prepared to have fun and appreciate the opportunity to bond.

• If you actually are trying to pimp your mom out, encourage them to go to a bar on their own. People are more approachable when unaccompanied by friends and children. (Ed. note: Duh.) • When your MILF or DILF has been through a divorce, kindness in a prospective suitor goes a long way…even further than looks.

Make sure that the handsome man at the

VANGUARD • MARCH 8, 2016 • PSUVANGUARD.COM

ILLUSTRATION BY SHANNON KIDD

bar with salt and pepper hair isn’t a total asshole before you try and set momma up.

ship and aren’t interested in settling down and getting married again.

• Online dating is challenging, no matter what age you are. Moms like to meet people in person, otherwise an essential dimension of personality is missing.

• “Two apartments in the same building would be the ideal relationship”

• Contrary to common conception, many older women are looking for companion-

• Parents care a lot about protecting their children, even when they are grown and out of the house. Children continue to be a factor as MILFs and DILFs consider future relationships.

Night Out Guide 2016

AFTER THE BARS CLOSE A Guide to Late-Night Food in Portland

KEVIN HADSELL Portland is known for being a daytime town. Our restaurants and coffee shops all close at a respectable hour and late-night food options are scarce. Yet they exist if you know where to look.

It happened that recently, after a long night of barhopping, $2 Rainiers and drinks served in oddly shaped glassware, I found myself wandering through downtown Portland at 3 a.m. separated from my companions, the buildings dark, the right road lost. There was a chill in the air. Fog and spectral shapes materialized and vanished around me. I could feel the onset of an inevitable hangover and required coffee and cheesy fries. Where could I find them?

Where was I? And how could I get back?

You may find yourself in a similar situation one day; perhaps you already have. Therefore, I have assembled the following list of late-night food options in the city, for that uncertain time between last call and weekend brunch. May they guide you safely on your way.

LUC LAC’S

835 SW 2nd St Vegan options available; open until 4 a.m. weekends Luc Lac’s serves a variety of Vietnamese dishes, from Banh Mi to curries and various small plates. If you are looking for excellent Vietnamese fare at an ungodly hour, this is probably the best, if not only, option.

The dining procedure operates on an almost military-like efficiency, which can be disori-

enting depending on your level of sobriety.

You approach the hostess, who hands you a menu to look over. You order, pay, receive a number, are ushered in, served your food and drinks in swift succession and then leave. It’s not exactly the Soup Nazi, but at 3 a.m. after reaching a certain blood alcohol level, it might as well be.

THE ROXY

1121 SW Stark St Open 24 hours (except Mondays) Imagine, if you will, an American-style diner crossed with a 24-hour lounge. It is fairly quiet; the lights are dim and emit a soft pinkish-red glow that acts as a soothing balm to inebriated folk everywhere.

And—this is key—when you order coffee at the Roxy, you are given your own personal carafe and a mug. Yes, folks: You are given your very own personal pot of coffee. And it’s good coffee, better than anyone has a right to ask for at that time of night (and this is confirmed by my bill, which itemized it as “damn fine coffee”). This alone makes The Roxy a municipal treasure and a crucial sobering-up way station.

HOTCAKE HOUSE

1002 SE Powell Blvd Open 24 hours There is something almost mythical about the Hotcake House. If you are downtown, it may require a car ride across the river; if you are

already in southeast, just head over there. It seems to be a lost relic from another era, with its delightfully antiquated flashing bulb sign and low-key divey atmosphere.

The Ultimate Hash Browns is probably the best thing you could put in your face after barhopping and a night of heavy drinking. It is a glorious pile of literally everything greasy, salty and delicious. The rest of the menu focuses on a variety of diner fare: eggs, bacon, plate-sized pancakes, breakfast burritos. It is as if someone conducted a research project to find the optimal “drunk food” and then built a restaurant to facilitate consumption, complete with flashing sign and awkward slanty parking lot.

JAVIER’S TACOS

121 N Lombard St Open 24 Hours From the outside it looks almost exactly like a convenience store, complete with flashing marquee signs in the window. Once inside, you are forced to choose from a bewildering number of menu items, a task made all the more difficult by the fact that everything is made up of the same ingredients, just in slightly different combinations.

Be forewarned: There is no restroom.

Which is odd, but if you have somehow drifted here, you should probably count your blessings. You have stumbled into a tiny outpost serving tacos 24 hours a day, in the dark, far from any known bar. Look around you: there

is a convenience store, a 24-hour laundromat and, further down the street, a Mexican grocery store called “El Torito” with newspapers covering the windows. How did you even get here? Go inside and have some carne asada nachos. I’ll call you a cab.

VOODOO DOUGHNUTS

22 SW 3rd Ave Vegan options available; open 24 hours Doughnuts in Portland have taken on an unusual metaphysical quality that you simply do not see in other cities. Wedged into the endpoint of a strangely-shaped intersection, the building is oddly triangular, as if forming a point on the end of a pentagram.

Inside you will find doughnuts such as the Maple Blazer Blunt doughnut, which looks like a, well, giant blunt and the Cock and Balls, an enormous, chocolate-frosted doughnut filled with Bavarian cream and shaped like a giant penis. Others toppings include: Captain Crunch, Cocoa Puffs, Rice Krispies, peanut butter, crushed Oreos and actual bacon strips lying across the top. It is cash-only and generally filled with tourists.

There is no seating inside, so everything must be boxed up and taken with you. As you walk out the door, you seem to be sobering up, gradually. You are going home again to sleep off the hangover now looming, perhaps no wiser than before, but more sober, at the very least, and now, thankfully, no longer hungry.

Godspeed, Portlanders. And safe travels.

HOT CAKE HOUSE LOCATED ON 1002 SE POWELL BLVD. BEVERLY FRISK/PSU VANGUARD

VANGUARD • MARCH 8, 2016 • PSUVANGUARD.COM

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Night Out Guide 2016

LAST NIGHT AND THE MORNING AFTER

A Guide to Handling a Hangover BRENDEN LEARY HANGOVERS MIGHT BE ONE OF the worst human experiences ever. If you are one of the few people out there who hasn’t dealt with a hangover, give yourself a pat on the back because they are dreadful.

Simply put, a hangover is a sick feeling or condition that comes after drinking too much alcohol, whether it be beer, hard liquor, wine or even those Mike’s Hard Lemonades your mother drinks while tailgating.

After drinking copious amounts of alcohol, you wake up feeling like you’ve been through hell and back. Your head is in agonizing pain as you start searching for any sort of liquid to quench your parched mouth. Sunlight is always the enemy, and anything that makes noise plagues your recovery.

These hangovers may convince you to never touch a bottle of alcohol again in your life, yet a majority of us still continue to spend our nights drunkenly frolicking around hoping to avoid the next calamity coming toward us.

After arduous, extensive research and experimentation over the past couple of weekends, I’ve gathered all the information I can. I’ve asked almost every person in every bar, club and alcohol-filled event I’ve been to recently what they recommend for those dreaded mornings, and the answers have been a mix of bizarre and simple.

Here’s the lowdown: preventing hangovers is something that requires a bit of self-control. Usually, before I decide to go out, I drink a moderate amount of water.

When you’re drinking alcohol, you lose about four times more liquid than you gain, which causes dehydration that leads to an arid mouth and headache.

You get these headaches because your organs are so desperate for hydration that they steal water from your brain, which causes your brain to shrink and pull on the membranes that connect it to your skull.

Another tip would be to order your mixed drinks on the rocks. Over time, the ice will dilute the drink and keep you at a solid drunken pace.

Another suggestion would be to make sure that you’ve had enough to eat. If you’re going to go out and drown in booze, you might as well stuff your face with a pizza too. Taking the time to eat a full meal before you go out will keep your blood sugar stable and give you more energy to last throughout the night.

An article from Men’s Fitness explains that when your blood sugar drops, you have spikes and crashes. You end up losing energy, feeling jittery and getting really

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SILVIA CARDULLO/PSU VANGUARD shaky, especially when you’re already chugging brewskis.

Now let’s say you just couldn’t manage to take any of those precautions. There are a multitude of remedies that might alleviate the hangover you’re going to receive in the morning, such as pickle juice, Pedialyte, bacon, Alka-Seltzer, Sprite and jasmine tea. More basic ideas are water, aspirin, exercise, Gatorade,

VANGUARD • MARCH 8, 2016 • PSUVANGUARD.COM

weed and, surprisingly, more alcohol (if you can stomach it).

My go-to remedy for Portland State students would be to walk down to Thanh Long’s Restaurant on SW Broadway. A bowl of pho from this place will have you feeling rejuvenated in a matter of minutes. Not only are the prices reasonable, but they give generous amounts of this delicious soup.

After talking about all of these preventative actions against hangovers, there’s a simple answer to the problem: don’t drink that much.

Sometimes getting completely hammered isn’t the answer to your crappy day. Maybe try a new hobby, go out for a walk, read a book or watch some interesting HBO documentary.

But hell, what am I saying—there are too many bars in PDX to not have a jolly ol’ drunken time. Cheers to you all and be safe.

Now leaving the Night Out Guide.

Happy spring break.

See you Mar. 29, 2016

SILVIA CARDULLO/PSU VANGUARD

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ARTS & CULTURE

HISTORY MADE: PSU ORCHESTRA PLAYS CRYSTAL BALLROOM STUDENTS ROCK NOTABLE VENUE THOMAS SPOELHOF The Portland State Orchestra brought the high arts to local legendary rock palace, the Crystal Ballroom in a historic performance on Thursday, Feb. 25 . The venue was a first-time show for the orchestra and a showcase for conductor Ken Selden’s masterful compositions which blended the classical scores of Rachmaninov and Mahler with the music of Frank Zappa. The ensemble played to a full house while the iconic murals, chandeliers and aura of the Crystal Ballroom set the stage.

Selden noted the significance of playing live and unplugged at this over 100-year-old local landmark.

“The students were super excited to play on the same stage as legends like the

Grateful Dead, Tina Turner, Snoop Dogg and Jimmy Hendrix, and of course the Crystal Ballroom continues to be a major destination,” Selden said.

The venue is a landmark for Portlanders with its baroque circular wall murals and lowslung grand chandeliers. The sandy beechwood floor insinuates generations of dance hall history.

Crystal Ballroom music booker Jimi Biron commented on the rarity of a full, acoustic orchestra playing the room, known as Cotillion Hall when it opened in 1914.

“Disallowing a ‘youth jazz orchestra’ and artists like Pink Martini, Ottomar Liebert, Rodrigo y Gabriella, I would say that this qualifies as the first full orchestra during

PSU ORCHESTRA CONDUCTOR KEN SELDEN LEADS THE ENSEMBLE IN THE HISTORY-MAKING CONCERT AT THE CRYSTAL BALLROOM FEBRUARY 25. THOMAS SPOELHOF/PSU VANGUARD COURTSEY OF USER VISITOR7 THROUGH WIKIMEDIA COMMONS

EDITOR PICK OF THE WEEK: THE POPE HOUSE Aislinn Rennison

If you’re a frequent Northwest 21st goer, then give Silver Dollar and Blue Moon a rest and hop over a block to The Pope House Bourbon Lounge. Although they are known and praised for their panoply of bourbons and whiskeys, they also offer other spirits, as well as a restaurant that allows minors for most of the day.

Vintage artifacts and cozy booths compile the converted house-to-restaurant’s western atmosphere. The service is always quick and the bartenders are very knowledgeable of the whiskey world, plus the food definitely lives up to Portland standards. ­­ If you are an avid bourbon buyer then you can start a card with the house to record every drink you try in The Pope House Bourbon Derby. After you have ordered 50, your name is engraved on a lucky horseshoe plaque to accompany the other dedicated drinkers’ achievement on their walls. Some of the plaques displayed have three horseshoes.

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In addition to the outside patio, The Pope House also has a speakeasy style lounge, The Aristocrat, below the main entrance. It offers experimental cocktails to those interested in trying out a new concoction.

F.Y.I WHERE: 2075 Northwest Glisan Street WHEN: Every day 4 p.m. to close Happy Hour from 4 p.m. to 7 p.m. and all day Sunday The Aristocrat hours: Thursday through Saturday, 7 p.m. to close COST: $ to $$$, depending on the bourbon you order.

Vanguard • MARCH 8, 2016 • psuvanguard.com

the 17 years I have booked the venue,” Biron said. “But have never had a full classical orchestra to my recollection since we opened.”

In addition to Selden and his orchestra were pianist Saelin Ho and PSU vocal staff member Harry Baechtel. Assistant conductor Lisa Castleman brought performance fire to the ballroom as well.

Selden explained that the orchestra wanted to create music that would fit well with venues like the Crystal.

“There is a real sense of history and atmosphere just walking into the building, so we were really focused on developing a natural symphonic sound that would work in a hall that is usually amplified,” Selden said.

A sterling highlight of the concert was pianist Saelin Ho, a PSU Concerto Competition winner. Ho’s standout segment was her rendition of the first movement of Rachmaninov’s Concerto No. 2, which brought the audience to its feet.

Ho, a guest student from South Korea, has studied Western classical music in the United States since 2008 and actively participated in musical events on campus as well as throughout the Portland community with performances such as Portland Chamber Orchestra, Chopiniade Recital and Franz Liszt 200th Festival. Ho described her excitement at performing this first for the orchestra and the university as a new and enjoyable experience.

“There was also some fun contemporary music other than the traditional classical ones. I hope this unique setting encouraged the audience of all ages to relax, enjoy and have fun!” Ho said.

The concert proved a multi-faceted deluge of genres and styles, as PSU voice faculty member Harry Baechtel delivered his baritone vocal boost to the concert, singing Mahler’s Songs of a Wayfarer. Selden described the performance as a success.

“The Mahler songs were a big challenge because those are quite intimately orchestrated—the instruments are combined in bits and pieces like a chamber ensemble—so we were interested to hear how we could blend the voice and the instruments in such a cavernous space,” Selden said.

Both of the Rachmaninov pieces, on the other hand, resonated quite naturally. As for the Zappa, those were Professor Selden’s own orchestrations adapted with the space of the Crystal Ballroom in mind.

Castleman contributed her own enthusiastic leadership of the orchestra with the Fledermaus Overture, a preview of an upcoming production with the PSU Opera.

An added bonus for concertgoers to the Crystal Ballroom was the beer, wine and food menu available for enjoyment during the performance. The rows of seats were full while close-huddled couples and onlookers filled the benches and wings throughout the ballroom. When the music started, there was very little movement or sound in the house.

ARTS & CULTURE

THE THREE S’S OF “SUN BAKERY”: SWORDS, SPACE AND SKATEBOARDING GRAY BOUCHAT Corey Lewis’ new comic book anthology magazine “Sun Bakery” allows readers to explore the world of strong female characters, technologically advanced swords, and uncanny skateboarding.

The comic will debut at the Emerald City Comic Con in Seattle from April 7 to April 10 and will hit stores April 27.

The book is composed of three different comic books in one. The story begins with “Dream Skills” which explores a world with no guns, “Arem,” which delves into the world of space and the final comic, “Bat Rider,” a love story of two skateboarders.

Lewis’ publisher, Jason Leivian, who is associated

A PRESS GANG/2016

with the store and publishing company of Floating World Comics works with the company on printing, advertising and marketing.

Leivian admires Lewis’ work and believes the comic will be a success, noting that they are already six issues ahead of schedule.

“He [Lewis] just draws like a maniac. He has so many ideas and he is always coming up with new series,” Levian said. “Like, he will start one and go at it for 50 or 60 pages, and then he will get inspiration for something new. I’m hoping we have the best sales [for this book] than we have ever had in the neighborhood.”

The unique nature of the book speaks for itself and is derived from Lewis’ three S’s: swords, space and skateboarding.

“The whole thing with the swords, with me and a lot of the country at large is just like ‘Man, fuck guns.

They’re just messy and shitty,’” Lewis said. “And I’m just like, ‘What if society reverted back to sword play days?’”

Lewis has been working on Sun Bakery for about two years, beginning with “Arem” which was Lewis’ first experiment with the art of digital drawing.

Lewis’ next and third “Sun Bakery” story will debut as

“Bat Rider,” which is created from personal experiences. “[Bat Rider] came out of a relationship I had about a year ago,” Lewis said. “We were both really into skateboarding. I don’t really skate too much myself, but I love the art form of it.”

As much as Lewis cultivates his art from his own life experiences, he also writes about people who are completely different from him, much like the characters in “Dream Skills.”

Lewis and Leivian (along with Floating World Comics) will both have their own booths at Emerald City Comic Con where they will be selling “Sun Bakery.”

THE POWER OF SPEAKING THROUGH DANCE YESENIA RAMOS

“Louder than Words” is Northwest Dance Project’s most anticipated event this season and will be performed March 17 through 19 at the Newmark Theater.

The piece includes three unique dances, one of them being a world premiere by resident choreographer, Ishan Rustem.

The three pieces were created by three different choreographers. The first is by Sarah Slipper, artistic director and founding director of Northwest Dance Project, the second by Alex Soares, and the third by Ishan Rustem.

“There will be a piece called ‘Airy’s,’ choreographed by me,” Slipper said.

“Then we also have another work from Alex Soares, from Brazil. He is showing his work called ‘Trace in Lost’ and they’ve been premiered before here in Portland,

whereas Ihsan’s is the first time you get to see it.”

The Northwest Dance Project was founded 20 years ago

by Sarah Slipper. It’s a company that employs professional dancers and offers classes and outreach programs. Scott Lewis, the executive director of Northwest Dance Project feels that it is more than just a company, it is a place to teach and learn as well.

“We currently have nine employee professional dancers who work for us, with all new dance work and revising older reps,” Lewis said.

“So they are working every day in the studio getting shows ready, performing in Portland and going out on tours. Than we also have a huge number of classes open community classes for adults and kids. We have a youth training program that is close to an actual school and we also have an outreach program.”

Although most dance companies will have the three main components: an avid performance arm, an education arm, and a community outreach arm, Northwest Dance Project sets itself apart from others dance establishments in other areas, such as it only composes original work.

Some dance companies will search for dance routines, buy them and perform them for three years. But Northwest Dance Project prides themselves on the fact that none of their pieces are outsourced, especially in the upcoming “Louder than Words” event.

“They are one of the best dancers you will see in the country; they come from all over, although we do have some locals as well, but they’ve spent years training and working,” Slipper said.

Slipper explained that “Louder than Words” is more than just a title, it is meant to express what the art of dance can do and this show is meant to deliver a feeling that cannot be expressed with words. “[The title] means a lot; it’s something about that arch that you don’t have words for art,” Slipper said. “That it speaks to you on another level, on another emotional, a gut wrenching level.”

The three pieces are very unique from each other and everyone is eagerly waiting to see them, especially Rustem’s world premiere. Rustem was willing to share a bit about his piece but without giving too much away and keeping an element of surprise.

“What people can expect with this new piece is something very different than what I’ve shown,” Rustem said. “This one is very dif-

NW DANCE PROJECT DEBUTS LOUDER THAN WORDS MARCH17-19, 2016 AT THE NEWMARK THEATRE. COURTESY OF BLAINE TRUITT COVERT ferent. There are six short sections in there. Very much short and sweet episodes, you can call them, of different forms and different facets of love.”

Rustem explained that there will be six love songs all

sung by women who have big and powerful vocals.

All parts of “Louder than Words” come together to form a triangle of passion. Come see the art of dance and possibilities of communication without words.

Vanguard • MARCH 8, 2016 • psuvanguard.com

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ARTS & CULTURE

DISPENSARIES GETTING BLUNT SIDED BY NEW POT TAX GOV IS TAKING ALL THE GREEN AND BUSINESS OWNERS ARE PIPING UP ABOUT IT CATHERINE JOHNSON

SILVIA CARDULLO/PSU VANGUARD On Jan. 4 the new 25 percent sales tax on recreational marijuana in Oregon went into effect. Since Oct. 1, when medical dispensaries began selling recreational marijuana to those 21 and older, those sales had been tax free. Dispensaries around Portland have noticed various challenges since the increase.

David Alport, owner of Bridge City Collective, said that in his experience, people are spending the same amount of money.

He said it hasn’t slowed down sales and that average daily sales are the same. However now they have to give more of their revenue to the government.

“If [customers] came in before the sales tax kicked in and spent $10 on a gram, they’re still coming in and trying to spend $10 on a gram. So we’re just making less at this point,” Alport said.

Some dispensaries decided to open with higher prices so that there would be no noticeable increase for customers, but Alport felt strongly against this move.

“No way,” Alport said. “People were going to have to take that hit whether it happened in October or January. I don’t think it’s fair for us, as a business, to treat our customers that way.”

But Michael Smith, general manager of Alberta Green House, said they started with the higher prices because they didn’t want the price hike to come as a surprise to customers in January, which was the case at Pure Green, according to owner Matt Walstatter.

“That was definitely a shock for a lot of people,” Walstatter said.

In its 2015-17 requested budget, the Oregon Liquor Control Commission estimated tax revenue for this two-year period as $18.4 million. Measure 91 stipulates that this revenue will be distributed to the Common School Fund (40 percent), Mental Health Alcoholism and Drug Services (20 percent), State Police (15 percent), cities and counties for enforcement of the measure (10 percent each) and the Oregon Health Authority (5 percent).

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But the new sales tax may not be the biggest tax-related challenge that dispensaries face. Cannabis is considered a schedule 1 drug (as is heroin). According to the Drug Enforcement Administration, these substances are the most dangerous type of drug with a strong potential for abuse and possible severe psychological and/or physical dependence with no current accepted medical use.

Because of this classification, the Internal Revenue Code 280e prohibits businesses that sell schedule 1 drugs from writing off typical business expenses such as rent, payroll and advertising.

“That affects us in a huge way. It makes it much more difficult to operate,” Alport said.

Walstatter agrees. This code stipulates that businesses can deduct the cost of goods sold, but few other operating expenses.

“For us, that means that we can deduct the cost of cannabis, the cost of packaging and lab testing that goes with it. But really very little else,” Walstatter said. “And it is a huge challenge. It leaves people being taxed at an effective rate of 70, 80, 90 percent.”

Walstatter has spent a lot of time and money with accountants and tax lawyers trying to create strategies to minimize the burden. They found some ways to mitigate these expenses, but the only way to really change things is by altering the tax code, which would require congressional action.

That’s why Walstatter is a founder of the Oregon Cannabis Political Action Committee. They are the legal arm of the Oregon Cannabis Association, with three full-time lobbyists. Most of their work has been done on the state level, but recently they’ve started federal lobbying too.

They want to create federal legislation that would either eliminate 280e from the tax code or pass a law that makes cannabis businesses exempt. They now have the support of Rep. Blumenauer, Sen. Wiley, and Sen. Merkley.

But while eliminating these regulations in the tax code would help, Walstatter doesn’t think cannabis should be categorized as a schedule 1 drug in the first place.

“I think it’s a joke,” Walstatter said. “Schedule 1 means no medical uses at all. We have legal cannabis in 23 states plus the District of Columbia for medical purposes. So how is that possible that it has no medical use?”

In fact, the government holds a patent for using cannabidiol, high cannabinoid compounds in marijuana that have antioxidant properties without psychoactive effect, as a neuroprotective, which is a medical use of cannabis.

The FDA’s Controlled Substances Act created the drug schedule that lists where substances should fall in the schedule of prohibition. Walstatter doesn’t think it should be listed there at all.

“A lot of people think it should be rescheduled; I think it should be descheduled,” Walstatter said.

The 25 percent sales tax will last until the end of 2016, when the OLCC, the agency responsible for regulating the recreational marijuana industry, is expected to open their stores.

Once they do, medical marijuana dispensaries will no longer be able to sell recreational marijuana, and the 25 percent tax will be replaced with a permanent 17 percent sales tax.

That may be great for consumers, but it’s unclear how that will impact businesses.

March 25th, 26th

at the Oregon Convention Center VOLUNTEER BEERTENDERS NEEDED

Cheese, chocolates, music and food carts!

Tickets & info available at www.springbeerfest.com

OPINION

THE HOMELESS NEED OUR HELP, NOT OUR HATE All That Isn’t

by Jennee Martinez I hate the word homeless.

It’s a word followed by too many stereotypes, too many negative connotations and the picture it paints within society’s mind is neither correct nor humanistic. After hearing that word, things seem messy.

In society’s mind, homelessness automatically refers to the tethered, ragged gentleman sitting at the corner near the stop sign who holds a sign asking for help, while a bag of his belongings are slung over his shoulder. Homelessness brings to mind the erratic, old woman shouting over and over again in Pioneer Square while everyone goes out of their way to avoid her. Homelessness, in the minds of many, means begging, drug use and deceit.

In reality, homelessness means so much more than that, and it looks much different than what society has come to assume.

Few people stop to think about homelessness as the small family who lost their home due to the rise in the housing market.

Homelessness is rarely related to the troubled teen who was too caught up in all the wrong things and had too few resources to take a different turn.

Defining someone as homeless seems like a cop out. It is often perceived that the only thing missing from a homeless person’s life is, in fact, a house. However, missing from their life is not only a permanent home, but a job, resources and food.

They have no cell phones. They have no cars. They have no clean clothes. They have no heat when winter sets in. They have no extra blankets when their’s have been ruined. They have no friends or family to visit them when they’re sick.

To be homeless means to have almost nothing. There are currently 3.5 million people with nothing in America today.

Their life is confined to the small space they have created.

Their ability to get other necessities depends on a few social services, shelters, volunteers or the compassion of others.

Sadly, few people are willing to give compassion or help to the homeless. We’ve been conditioned to believe helping the homeless will only enable them. If they keep taking our hand-outs they’ll never be motivated enough to seek a life off of the streets.

In reality, the homeless population lacks necessary resources that would allow them to take steps in bettering their life.

Handing out a few dollars to ensure they could eat at least one meal per day is not enabling, it is simply providing them a basic human right.

Society has also come to believe the few dollars we do hand out are simply spent on drugs that will feed their habit. Not every stereotype fits every single person, and it’s unfair for society to assign them to a certain category and deem them unworthy.

Along with the negative stereotypes that follow homelessness, society has seemed to forgotten that homelessness is not a choice. Not only can this affect vulnerable members of society as we have come to believe, but any person who experiences the hardships of life.

Homelessness then, is not a choice but rather an effect. It can occur due to health problems and medical bills that can’t be paid. Homelessness may be the result after unexpected unemployment. In reality, homelessness can happen to anyone.

Sadly, it’s much easier to become homeless than it is to escape it. As quickly as things may falter and life may fall apart for those who fall victim to life’s messy circumstances, life does not forgive or forget quite as easily. It’s almost as if you’ll continue to be homeless forever if you’re homeless now. But hey, it’s up to them to figure things out.

Wrong. It’s up to us.

With so little opportunities and so few people willing to give the homeless population a chance, it’s up to society to reform the way the homeless are treated, the way they are perceived and the way they are helped. After all, it’s obvious no one else is going to help them out, and it’s obvious they can’t fight an uphill battle alone.

The homeless have had enough of life’s cruelness and enough of society’s hatred. It’s time we help them.

ILLUSTRATION BY NIMI EINSTEIN

Vanguard • MARCH 8, 2016 • psuvanguard.com

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OPINION

THE UNITED STATES IS FALLING BEHIND FRANCE COULD BE THE SETTING THE TREND FOR HANDLING FOOD WASTE

Earthly Insights Adriana Stein

Nearly a third of our food supply is wasted and is a major contributor to climate change. According to saynotofoodwaste.org, the methane gas produced by the 1.3 billion tons of the world’s rotting food waste is 25 times more potent than carbon dioxide.

Furthermore, almost 8 million people across the globe continue to live without enough food, reported the World Food Programme. We can start to solve both of these problems if we take our food waste and give it to charities to feed those who are hungry.

The Guardian reported that in a progressive effort to recycle food waste, France outlawed throwing away excess grocery store food, making them the first country in the world with this policy.

Instead, the food is now donated to charities or used as animal food. The 7.1 million tons of food waste produced by France now goes to a better cause, which also lessens the country’s impact on the environment.

The Natural Resources Defense Council said that as a part of France’s new food waste policy, they hope to reduce waste from food establishments across the country, as well as improve food waste policy.

France plans to cut food waste in half by 2025. The NRDC also stated that France wastes 300 pounds of food per person per year, something they consider a food waste crisis.

A vote passed unanimously and a new law requires grocery stores to make agreements with charities to donate leftover food. Not following this law could result in a £53,000 ($54,000) fine or two years in jail.

By sending food to charities, grocery stores help those with low incomes. Homeless people searching through garbage outside of grocery stores have become a serious problem. Grocery stores have responded by locking their food waste away or by dousing the area in bleach to prevent people from eating the food.

The Guardian stated that naysayers criticize the law, because it only involves grocery stores. The food industry in general, including restaurants and production, overproduces and this new law doesn’t enforce strong enough policies. But it’s definitely a start.

Fortunately, the new law will start to educate the public on food waste management by working with schools and businesses.

As the United States is a major contributor to food waste, policies here could be improved to replicate France’s new laws. An article in The Oregonian started a poll about whether the United States should follow France in banning grocery store food waste and so far, most people agree that it’s a good idea.

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LOCAL VEGATABLES FROM LA RECHARGE GROCERY STORE IN BORDEAUX, FRANCE. LEFT OVER PRODUCTS ARE GIVEN TO THE HOMELESS TO PREVENT FOOD WASTE. COURTESY OF SARA CARDULLO

“If education begins at an early age, a shift in food culture can take place and begin to change the mindset of how we responsibly manage food.”

The NRDC issued a report stating that 40 percent of food waste in the United States ends up in landfills. This report also detailed losses in all stages of production from packaging to distribution.

The Oregonian also reported that the federal government also wants the United States to cut it’s food waste in half over the next 15 years. A typical four-person family in the United States throws around $1,500 in the garbage with their food waste.

Fortunately, our government has taken some initiative to reduce food waste. As a part of Obama’s new environmental policies, the U.S. Department of Agriculture joined forces with the U.S. Environmental Protection Agency to set the first policy regarding food waste reduction in the U.S. One part of this policy is known as “The Food Recovery Challenge.”

It is similar to France’s law in that it encourages businesses and organizations to donate food leftovers to feed the homeless. It helps save money and increases awareness about the effects of food waste in relation to climate change, as well as decreasing the amount of food going to waste. But it doesn’t actually render not taking care of food waste illegal.

Both France and the United States are far from solving food waste problems. A total change in the culture and mechanisms of handling food needs to happen now. Utilizing France as an example could help deter part of this problem, not only in the United States, but globally. These new laws are mere baby steps in a long process for how to properly maintain the balance between food production and food waste.

OPINION

INSTAGRAM, SOCIAL MEDIA AND WHY DOCUMENTING YOUR EVERY MEAL MAY ACTUALLY BE OKAY Musings from the Sub-basement

by Kevin Hadsell

On a recent trip to the Portland Art Museum, I came across a still life painting of flowers, fruit and a table setting. It was rendered in strikingly realistic tones. A glorious, piercing shaft of light shone down onto the scene.

I gazed at the painting and understood, on a universal level, the vital message the artist was communicating. It’s a message that transcends culture, language, nationality and time: the universal human need to share what we are eating at that very moment.

Thus was the painting set before me, lovingly rendered in subtle shades and hues, perfectly cropped, cast in the best possible lighting. Still-life painting was, to be sure, the closest thing the 19th century had to Instagram.

A simple glance through my Instagram and Facebook feeds confirm this: an overwhelming proportion of content consists of pictures of food taken immediately before it is eaten. This appears to be so widespread as to be a social ill, a sort of epidemic of narcissism typical of the Facebook generation, Generation Y, or Millennials, as the fogeys say.

And yet one can trace this impulse back to the earliest cave paintings of prehistoric humans, images that depict mythical illustrations of the hunt. In other words: The earliest artworks of the human race are literally images of their food before eating it.

This, of course, raises the somewhat problematic issue of whether this is an affirmation of our shared humanity, transported across distance, generations and historical epochs or if the recent upswing in the sharing of food images somehow represents a backward-looking devolution of the human race.

I will leave the final judgement on this issue to the historians of the future, who will likely comb through our digital archives to piece together what they can of life in the early 21st century. However, I feel confident that these pictures of food play a vital role in our culture and indeed, our civilization as a whole.

In one sense, these images are the digital equivalent of opening one’s fridge, taking a look around and shutting the door, a cultural practice as old as refrigerators and something of a national pastime. Only now, it’s the world’s fridge and includes literally whatever you can find, whether or not it is in anyone’s kitchen at all. It represents not just a triumph of communications technology but also of crossing borders and participating in a shared experience.

It is also useful for making your friends jealous.

On another, more fundamental level, it may just be the last line of defense that prevents human civilization itself from taking a precipitous slide off a cliff. The knowledge we are being watched, and most likely being judged by our peers, is usually enough for us to at least make the attempt to eat something respectable.

You may, for instance, still live on a diet consisting mainly of Cheetos, Hot Pockets and Mountain Dew. But every so often you may try your hand at pan-fried Alaskan salmon, or perhaps a curry, in order to keep up appearances. It may include a green leafy vegetable, like kale. It may provide you with just enough nutrients to avoid being malnourished with a weakened immune system. And all due to Instagram and the wonders of modern technology.

Failing that, of course, you could always focus on presentation: a sprig of parsley accenting the rippled edge of the Hot Pocket you have lovingly prepared in the microwave. They say that every culture has its dumpling; this may be ours. The Cheetos arranged diagonally across the back of the plate, lined up in

rows, a Mountain Dew poured carefully into a wine glass, fizzing gently, awaiting a toast to long life and happiness.

An eye for composition, after all, is a valuable skill. And you will line up the shot, noting the direction of the light falling from the open window, the color accents of the dish, the interplay of light and shadow.

Perhaps our Instagram culture does lack the refinement of the master painters who created the stunning still-life images found in the art museum, but they do share a similar concern with one’s food and making sure other people know about it, a concern that dates back to our prehistory.

Our Instagram accounts trail indefinitely behind us, like breadcrumbs dropped along the path, leading back the way we came.

BEVERLY FRISK/PSU VANGUARD

Vanguard • MARCH 8, 2016 • psuvanguard.com

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