for those who want company on their journey 1
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Table of Contents The Campaign to End Loneliness………………………………..5 Loneliness vs. Isolation……………………………………………….7 Lonely or Lonesome?.....................................................8 Loneliness and Addiction………………………………………..…..9 What is Loneliness and Why Does It Occur?................10 The Impact of Loneliness on Our Health………………..….13
Talking About Loneliness…………………………………………..16 Loneliness vs. Aloneness: What's the Difference?.......18 When in Doubt, Throw Out a Complement!................21 What We’re Trying To Accomplish Here…………………….24 Suggested Behaviors………………………………………………...25
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The Campaign to End Loneliness We are the lonely, but we are not alone in our loneliness. More than one-third of us are chronically lonely and 65% of us are often lonely. Studies have shown us that loneliness can match the ill health effects of obesity, alcohol disorders and smoking 15 cigarettes a day, increasing the risk of a premature death by 30%. In addition to the physical harm that it can cause us, research shows us that the areas of the brain that deal with social exclusion are the same areas that process physical pain, adding a scientific explanation to the oft-romanticized experience of a "broken heart."
Other studies have found that lonely people showed more depressive symptoms and that lonely and depressed people alike tended to experience less "togetherness" in social interactions. Depression and loneliness can feed off of each other, each perpetuating the other with neither one able to stop the cycle. A new study investigated whether loneliness was associated with worse outcomes in 13,463 patients with heart failure or disease. Loneliness was associated with a doubled mortality risk in women and nearly doubled risk in men. Both men and women who felt lonely were three times more likely to report symptoms of anxiety and depression, and had a significantly lower quality of life than those who did not feel lonely, the researchers discovered.
"Loneliness is a strong predictor of premature death, worse mental health, and lower quality of life in patients with cardiovascular disease, and a much stronger predictor than living 5
alone, in both men and women," said the head researcher. "We adjusted for lifestyle behaviors and many other factors in our analysis, and still found that loneliness is very bad for health," she added. With no upside to it, loneliness is a complex and unpleasant emotional response to unwanted isolation which typically includes anxious feelings about a lack of connection or communication with others of us, both in the present and extending into the future. As such, loneliness can be felt even when surrounded by other people. And over time, it can become harder and harder to connect with other people. We lose our social skills and our walls of isolations grow thick and impenetrable. For this added reason, it's important that we recognize our loneliness as a signal, not just a state of mind, that makes us feel bad. Just like hunger or thirst, loneliness needs to be tended to or it compounds, and grows ugly. So we gather because we are lonely with the purpose of displacing it with meaningful substitutes even if only temporarily. For it returns when we do not actively seek to abate it, and at the opposite end of its eradication (or abatement) we find compassion, purpose, and commonality, all things that we crave and need. A simple rule to is to actively seek to identify the similarities between yourself and those around you instead of the differences. This is not hard to do and loosely resembles the difference between optimism and pessimism (the glass half empty vs. the glass half full). Just by our simple, but intentionally healthy, gathering we render it less powerful, but the manner in which we gather is im6
portant. We must ‘gather to give’ instead of ‘gather to get’.
Loneliness vs. Isolation Do not confuse loneliness, where our expectations of being in an appreciating community do not meet our reality, with isolation, where our expectations meet our reality of being alone. The former is unintentional, harmful, and unwanted, while the latter is healthy and can be moderated at will. Many of us seek community solely to escape the fear of being alone, which is not a healthy way to be with other people. “Neediness” repels others, while being with others with the purpose of listening and freely giving of your attention attracts others. Knowing how to be solitary is central to the art of loving yourself. When we are okay with being alone, we can be with others without using them as a means of escape. And you should not let yourself be confused in your solitude by the fact that there is something in you that wants to move out of it. This is normal. Heed its call. As substance abusers, we are typically not all that good of company to ourselves for extended periods. Our self-talk goes dark quickly and self-loathing all too often hogs our internal pulpit. We need to recognize our soft internal voice that compels us to seek others in order to be the best version of ourselves that we are capable of. Others provide us mirrors to how we come across to them. We see ourselves in the reactions of others to us. We can be surrounded by friends, with satisfying work in our daily pursuits, and abundant pleasures. Life, with these things, can unfold before us, constantly and visibly, like the flowers of summer that drop fanlike petals on eternal soil. Overall, we will learn 7
how to be at our happiest when we are alone; for it then that we can become most aware of what we possess. Free to look over the history of our being without remorse, without regret. We can learn how to be happy to be alone in the company of friends, the company of strangers, and the company of ourselves. With balance, acceptance and self-acceptance, everything in this life can be pure pleasure. This is do-able. We see it in the presence of the people that we admire the most, the ones that are in this world, but not of it. Through this pursuit, we are accumulating the things that we can take with us when we depart this life, instead of what we cannot. Materialism and societal acceptance (almost an admiration) of narcissism are social norms these days, but they are both dead ends spiritually and provide the opposite of life meaning and purpose. In fact, they steal from it and should be avoided at all costs no matter how much engagement and worship they receive from those around us. Being in community is an inoculation against imprisonment in an existential vacuum. To achieve this state of balance between solitude and loving community is to realize and accept the reality that, “We're born alone, we live alone, we die alone. Only through our love and friendship can we mitigate this crippling reality by caring for one another.�
Lonely or Lonesome? A lonely person is saddened by an unmet expectation for companionship, a feeling unreturned, or an unwanted isolation. A lonesome person is lonely in a profound, long-lasting, philosophical, or especially forlorn way. The difference can seem to be subtle, though, but lonely, the older of the two words, has less per8
manence attached to it and is less entrenched in the identity of the noun it defines. Above and Beyond prefers to use the word lonely because it is self-attributed, by choice in each case, and is more easily dislodged.
Loneliness and Addiction It is often said that loneliness is one of the most common addiction relapse triggers. That it can lead to depression and anxiety, guilt and shame, social isolation, and ultimately relapse but could it be that this story is actually reversed? (Spoiler: it is). Human beings are bonding animals. We need to connect, matter and love. But we have created an environment and a culture that cuts us off from connection offering only a ghostly parody of it offered by the Internet and cell phones. The rise of addiction is a symptom of a deeper sickness in the way we live by constantly directing our gaze towards the next shiny object we should buy, rather than the human beings all around us. Take a train or a bus or a plane anywhere and just look at the passenger’s entire focus being sucked into their devices. The writer George Monbiot has called this "the age of loneliness." We have a created human society where it is easier for people to become cut off from all human connections than ever before. We have been talking about blaming the individual for their addiction and expecting individual recovery from addiction for too long. We need to talk about social recovery and how we all recover, together, from the sickness of isolation that is sinking on us like a thick fog. This is why our tiny group of Lonelies exists, to combat what has 9
happened to us without our awareness. We drink and drug to overcome the sense of isolation and irrelevance that's been imposed on us rather than vice versa. And we dispel this unwanted, harmful effect by coming together in deliberance with the intention of paying attention to each other.
What Is Loneliness and Why Does It Occur? First and foremost, it is important to understand what loneliness is and why is occurs. For purposes of our campaign, we will describe loneliness as: “A negative experience that involves painful feelings of not belonging and disconnectedness from others. It occurs when there is a discrepancy between the quantity and quality of social relationships that we want, and those that we have.� Thus, loneliness is a subjective psychological perception. We have also identified and collected a number of pathways into loneliness, which separate into internal and external factors. Internal factors reflect the importance of understanding the person: Their socio-economic characteristics Values Beliefs Personality Resilience Self-esteem and confidence (or lack thereof) The way they understand and relate to themselves and others 10
External factors reflect the importance of understanding the person in context: What does their social world look like to them, and how is it experienced? Does the person have supportive relationships with family and friends? Are there local formal or informal social groups to which the person belongs or could belong? Are there factors that prevent social connection, such as a lack of transport? Has the person experienced a recent significant change in their life (this might include bereavement, moving house, retiring, physical ill health, stopping driving)?
While these factors are important to understand as triggers for loneliness, it is also helpful to understand why loneliness occurs. Why do we feel loneliness at all and what is its purpose? We will argue that loneliness evolved as an aversive biological signal aimed at promoting vigilance with regards to our wellbeing and survival. Just as hunger is an aversive biological signal telling us to nourish and protect our body, so loneliness is a signal that tells us to attend to our social connectedness. As our brains are hard-wired in such a way that make us 'social creatures', attending to loneliness is important for our long-term survival. Feeling lonely means our biological systems are doing what they are supposed to be doing; they are telling us that there is something we need to change about our social world and the way we are interacting with it. It is normal to feel lonely but we need to listen to and act on the signal. 11
It’s important to know that feeling lonely or depressed are two very different sensations. Being lonely is more of a state of mind and that state of loneliness can change on a dime if one so desires. There can be a joy in solitude as opposed to the "down" of loneliness. There is also a difference between feeling lonely and being alone. If you are alone, you are literally a party of one (solitude), and often times that is a preferred choice. If you are indeed feeling lonely, missing the company of others, you have the ability - if you so choose- to move into a more populated venue. How many times have we said to our friends..."I'm so lonely, I just don't know what to do." Often the most beneficial cure is literally: get out and meet people, join a book club, take yoga classes, etc whereas our addiction will steer us towards the more destructive, temporary path of the “relapse trap” of being fooled into thinking that drink and drug will obliterate the problems we are experiencing. Unfortunately we find there is not a problem that a drink or a drug cannot make worse. “Drinking is an emotional thing. It joggles you out of the standardism of everyday life, out of everything being the same. It yanks you out of your body and your mind and throws you against the wall. I have the feeling that drinking is a form of suicide where you're allowed to return to life and begin all over the next day, over and over again. It's like killing yourself, and then you're reborn. I guess I've lived about ten or fifteen thousand lives now.” Charles Bukowski
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The Impact of Loneliness on our Health The potentially harmful effects of loneliness and social isolation on health and longevity, especially among older adults, are well established. Research has established that loneliness can impair health by raising levels of stress hormones and inflammation, which in turn can increase the risk of heart disease, arthritis, Type 2 diabetes, dementia and even suicide attempts. Among older people who reported they felt left out, isolated or lacked companionship, the ability to perform daily activities like bathing, grooming and preparing meals declined and deaths increased over a six-year study period relative to people who reported none of these feelings. The New York Times's has cited evidence for disrupted sleep, abnormal immune responses and accelerated cognitive decline among socially isolated individuals, which they called "a growing epidemic." As research moves forward on these topics, scientists are gaining a more refined understanding of the effects of loneliness and isolation on health. They are also looking into factors such as who is likely to be most seriously affected, and what kinds of interventions may reduce the associated risks. There are some surprising findings. First, though equivalent in risk, loneliness and social isolation don't necessarily go hand-inhand. "Social isolation denotes few social connections or interactions, whereas loneliness involves the subjective perception of isolation - the discrepancy between one's desired and actual level of social connection," as reported in the journal Heart last year. In other words, people can be socially isolated and not feel lone13
ly; they simply prefer a more hermitic existence. Likewise, people can feel lonely even when surrounded by lots of people, especially if the relationships are not emotionally rewarding. In fact, most lonely individuals are married, live with others and are not clinically depressed. Being unmarried is a significant risk, but not all marriages are happy ones. We have to consider the quality of relationships, not simply their existence or quantity. There is a correlation between loneliness and social interaction, but not in everyone. It may be simplistic to suggest to people who are lonely that they should try to interact more with others. Perhaps equally surprising is the finding that older adults are not necessarily the loneliest among us. Although most studies of the effects of loneliness have looked only at older people, there are 70 studies encompassing 3.4 million people that indicate the prevalence of loneliness peaks in adolescents and young adults, so negative effects of loneliness ravage the youngest young to the oldest old. Nobody is safe. If anything, the intensity of loneliness decreases from young adulthood through middle age and doesn't become intense again until the oldest old age. While it is not certain whether loneliness or social isolation has the stronger effect on health and longevity, if we recognize social connections as a fundamental human need, then we can't discount the risks of being socially isolated even if you don't feel lonely. Equally intriguing is a recent finding suggesting that loneliness may be a preclinical sign for Alzheimer's disease. Data from a recent study found a link between the participants' score on a 14
three-question assessment for loneliness and the amount of amyloid in their brains. Amyloid accumulation is considered a main pathological sign of Alzheimer's disease. Similarly, another study of adults 50 and older reported that loneliness was linked to worsening cognitive function over a 12-year period, whereas initially poor cognitive function did not lead to increased loneliness. When the researchers examined their findings more closely, they discovered that loneliness had a greater negative effect on the risk of cognitive decline than every other psychological factor, including depression (even mild depression). There is now strong evidence relating greater depressive symptoms to increased progression from normal cognition to mild cognitive impairment and from mild cognitive impairment to dementia. Growing consensus in the medical community tells us that loneliness as well as low-grade and more serious depression may have similar pathological effects on the brain. All of which raises the question of how loneliness and social isolation might be countered to help ward off cognitive decline and other adverse health effects.
Typical suggestions for lonely or socially isolated adults have included taking a class, getting a dog, doing volunteer work and joining a senior center. One program, called Befriending, involves one-on-one companionship by a volunteer who meets regularly with a lonely person. While such programs may show modest improvement on measures of depression and anxiety, their longterm significance, in a study of 14 trials of befriending, showed no significant overall benefit was found on measures of depression, quality of life, degree of loneliness, self-esteem and wellbeing. This would indicate that the more significant the interac15
tions are, the more they decrease loneliness.
Talking About Loneliness It is important to note that there is no single best way of having a conversation about loneliness. Loneliness exists in many different contexts and those experiencing it have differing internal and external resources to call upon; while those engaging with people experiencing loneliness have different types of knowledge, experience, capabilities and support, obligations, and time. We can, however, offer some general guidance on how best to have a conversation about loneliness. We recommend that everyone involved in this campaign carefully consider whether your methods of engagement are appropriate to your target audience. Implicit in empathic communication is the importance of paying attention to tone. The use of an infantilizing voice is more often than not experienced as disrespectful and humiliating, and can bring about a self-fulfilling prophecy. It’s worse than “cutting them off” or “interrupting them”. The risk is that your audience can come to believe that they are no longer interesting, contributing members of society and assume a passive, withdrawn role which can reinforce a sense of loneliness. Similarly, 'over-accommodation', in which speakers adopt overly polite, simplified, slower and louder verbal communication, is often experienced as patronizing and can have the effect of 'shaming' certain people spoken to in this way. Instead, the foundations of an effective dialogue about loneliness should be based on: Empathy - generating a deep, accurate understanding of what 16
loneliness means to the individual and how they experience it; what is it like to inhabit their internal frame of reference and world of feelings, attitudes, experiences and behaviors? "Don't make assumptions about what other people like and want to do. Asking questions about what they like to do and why is a key method of finding out who you’re talking to before you begin talking. Try and remove your own judgements and expectations about who you have in front of you. We all just need the opportunity to talk and be listened to in order for loneliness to loosen its grip." Former Loneliness Coach interview Congruence - being genuine, honest, and 'real'. In this context, it also means noticing what you are experiencing in trying to help someone and sharing this with them, if it is in their best interests to do so. "You have to be honest with yourself and humble enough to take a second seat to the person who is talking in order for this process to work. And you can’t be afraid to challenge or speak to them in the same way you would anyone else, always gently and with respect of course but be consistent. Let them finish" Loneliness Coach interview
Unconditional positive regard - warm, non-judgmental acceptance of the other person as whatever they are in that given moment during your helping relationship with them. Under17
standing that confronting painful feelings and changing their behavior in some way can be, both, a big step and a daunting challenge. "If you're having a conversation with a lonely person, let them talk. Find out about them, be interested, just accept them for who they are. My daughter asks me why people are nice to me. I say to her it's because I'm nice to them." Former Lonely Person
Loneliness vs. Aloneness: What's the Difference? Loneliness is a lack, a feeling that something is missing, a pain, a depression, a need, an incompleteness, an absence. Aloneness is presence, fullness, aliveness, joy of being, overflowing love. You are complete. Nobody is needed, you are enough. Acceptance and the ability to give and receive simple love makes you complete. In true relationships you share with each other, not out of need, rather from your overflowing energy. Relationships do not cause pain and unhappiness. They bring out the pain and unhappiness that is already in you. Two lonely people who come together don't feel the loneliness so much because somebody else is there with them. They remain lonely but somehow deceive themselves with the illusion that their void is filled. When two lonely people come together their loneliness multiplies unless they can find the simple key to unlocking each other’s shackles. It’s not hard. Real compassion and caring for those around you is not a search to combat loneliness. Reaching out to others is to transform 18
loneliness into aloneness, to help the other person, not yourself. If you care for another person other than yourself, you help that person experience the completeness of aloneness. You don't try to fill them up and complete them by your presence. You want them to not be in need of you. You want them to be more-ok by themselves. You want them to walk away with the residue of caring that you gave to them . . . the memory of mattering enough to show up on someone else’s radar. It sticks, this stuff. People walk away with it and bring it back out to cherish it when they need it the most. When a person is totally free from needing others around them to validate themselves, then out of that freedom, sharing is possible. You give, not as a need, not as a bargain, but because you are overflowing with the self-assurance that you are enough, and you have a little bit extra that you can share with someone else. The struggle in relationships is based in the fact that everybody needs their own space but they also need other people around them, both at the same time. How do we find and maintain that balance? By not needing other people, but by seeking out other people so you can give to them. Giving your attention and your deliberate, intentional focus on them, and not on yourself. Love of others allows and strengthens freedom of the self. Love and freedom are two wings of the same bird. All growth needs love, but unconditional love. If love has conditions, then no-one can grow and there is continuous conflict. Love unconditionally and don't ask anything in return. Much comes back on its own - don't be a beggar. Be an emperor. Just give and see what happens: a thousandfold love comes back to you. Recognize and receive it. Love treats you as an end unto 19
yourself. Don't get hooked into expectations. Love as a sharing, not as a need. True love of others, and yourself, gives you freedom. Never settle for less. Meditation and love are the two ways to attain to the bliss of aloneness, the freedom to be utterly yourself. Both are deeply related. In fact, they are two aspects of the same coin. When you meditate, sooner or later you come upon love, you start feeling a tremendous love arising in you, a new quality to your being, a new door opening. You want to share. When you love deeply, whether it's a child, a pet, a spouse, a friend, by and by you become aware that your love is becoming more and more meditative. A subtle quality of silence is entering in you. You are touching your own depth. Love makes you meditative. Meditation makes you loving. Both bring you inner peace, joy and wisdom. Both make you an attractor of goodness to your life. How do you transform loneliness?
You cannot fight with darkness directly, with loneliness directly, with the fear of isolation directly. The reason is that all these things do not exist; they are simply absences of something, just as darkness is the absence of light. How do you bring light to a dark room? You switch on the light! Put your attention, energy and focus on love of yourself and love of others, both at once! Love is the solution. Love heals pain and fear, dispels darkness and neediness, and brings a new rhythm of sweetness, peace, and joy, to you. You become centered in your aloneness. 20
This does not mean, now you are complete in yourself, that you cannot have friends and be in intimate relationships. In fact, all your relationships are enhanced as you have so much to give and share. You give out of your fullness, and giving multiplies your joy. Look to see if anything you are facing as a problem is a negative or a positive thing. If it is negative, don't fight with it. Just look for the positive in it and you will be at the right doorway. Look at the problem. Is it an absence of something? And the truth is that all your problems are the absence of something. Once you have found what they are, then go after the positive. The moment you find the positive you have found the light, and the darkness is gone.
When in Doubt, Throw Out a Complement! While throwing out a complement usually feels pretty good, receiving a sincere compliment can have a huge and lasting impact on someone else's outlook. The message may surprise you, touch your heart, or catapult you forward into a new career path. The most powerful compliment communicates the message, "I see you" or "I value you." Here are some tips on delivering an authentic compliment: Be specific. I was recently walking down the hallway of Above and Beyond and was passed by a dude with a new, most interesting haircut, so I threw out a, "Dude, nice do" at him. He stopped in his tracks and excitedly said, "Thanks man! I just got an offer on a job, that's why the haircut and I was just praying for a sign on whether I should take it or not. Your smile caught my attention and when you mentioned my hair21
cut, I got my answer." While I'm not sure of what happened after this, our friendly exchange was exactly what he needed at that particular moment in time. Mentioning his haircut was the key. Had I not been specific, the experience, and outcome, may have been different. A single compliment may be all it takes. One simple act can make a difference. I recently overheard someone who was talking about a person who was interested in helping out a man in need. Willing to offer assistance financially, he asked the man what he truly needed. The disadvantaged man replied, "I'd really like a handshake." Sometimes the greatest compliment you can give another human being is to acknowledge them and let them know they are significant. We call this "the gift of presence" and we all have the ability to offer it . . . all we have to do is be present in the moment with another person. Very little effort is called for except for paying attention. Wear your compliment like a badge of honor. When nothing seems to be going right, dig deep into your emotional pocket and pull out a past compliment that has helped define who you are today. One that made a significant difference in my life was a compliment I received when I was much younger, working grocery store as a "bagger". I was an underpaid, overworked checkout kid, in charge of packing groceries into bags and smiling even when I didn't feel like it. I was unhappy at my new job, but afraid to make a change. One day my boss aggressively walked over to me, and in front of three customers barked, "You are not what this store needs." After an awkward moment of silence, one of the women standing at the counter firmly spoke up, "He's right, Dan... you are meant 22
for much more than this." I was struck by her kindness and her positive support in the face of my public humiliation. Instantly, I felt empowered. I hugged a perfect stranger, got my jacket, walked out and never looked back. A strong compliment can last a lifetime (I still think of it now). Be impeccable with your words and generous with your praise. There is an obvious difference between a genuine remark and a thoughtless statement meant to patronize or falsely elevate. While you may want to say something nice to another person, find something that is genuine to comment on. When your colleague does a great job on an important project, compliment them on their success. If your competitor got the job over you, send a note of congratulations. Drop your guard, put down your competitive armor, and give yourself permission to revel in someone else's success. Make your words strong and reliable. A compliment is good manners. Your mother taught you if you don't have something nice to say, say nothing at all. But, why not find something positive in every situation and give kudos to those that made the experience possible? Looking at the glass half empty isn't as rewarding as looking at the glass half full. Don't miss an opportunity. While volunteering as a "friendly visitor" in an old folks home, I frequently ended up visiting with Alzheimer's patients. I was hanging out with a particular client, his name was Anthony, and most of the time he was not lucid. But, occasionally, he was alert and able to communicate fascinating stories with amazing details from his youth and military days. I was particularly struck by Anthony's gentle eyes and kind smile. Even though I wasn't sure he would 23
understand, I often thanked him for sharing his life with me. In the early years of my volunteering with dementia patients, I always second-guessed myself and felt awkward or embarrassed. One day I decided to say, "Anthony, you have made an impact on my life by sharing your stories with me", which was true. To which he promptly and clearly replied, "Thank you. I am doing the best I can." His eyes filled with tears as he grabbed my hand, held on tight, and smiled the most beautiful smile I have ever seen. He understood. That experience changed my world. Whose world could you change if you seized the occasion? A compliment wields great possibility. It shows respect, admiration, approval, gratitude, trust, appreciation, and hope. One of the most generous things you can do in your life is to give someone else a true and meaningful compliment. I encourage you to start with the next person you encounter. They are almost impossible to mess up and the only effort required is to make the words come out. One technique is to stop thinking about doing it, and just do it. Once you start you will have a hard to stopping and people will enjoy your company more and more. It’s like magic.
What We’re Trying To Do Here Our group interventions are aimed towards: Improving social skills. Some researchers incorrectly argue that loneliness is primarily the result of lacking of the interpersonal skills required to create and maintain relationships. Whether this is true or not, we gather in order to learn how to be less socially awkward - to engage in conversation, speak on the phone, give 24
and take compliments, grow comfortable with periods of silence, and communicate in positive ways non-verbally without the fear of rejection or judgement. Enhancing social support. Many lonely people are victims of changing circumstances, housing, employment, and health being primary among them. Our approaches offer help and counseling for those that are experiencing these things in an environment with others who are going through the same thing. Misery may love company, but loneliness doesn’t. Increasing opportunities for social interaction. With this approach, the logic is simple: If we are lonely, give us opportunities to meet other people who are lonely so that we can practice our listening and giving skills. Practice makes perfect. Changing maladaptive thinking. This approach might seem very basic but recent research reveals that over time, chronic loneliness makes us increasingly sensitive (hypervigilant) to, and on the lookout for, rejection and hostility. In ambiguous social situations, lonely people immediately think the worst. For instance, if client Robert seems more quiet and distant than usual lately, a lonely person is likely to assume that he's done something to offend Robert, or that Robert is intentionally giving him the cold shoulder when none of this is true at all. We come together to speak honestly and with congruence about these issues so that we can overcome them instead of being driven into the perpetual trap of relapse.
Suggested Behaviors Most successful addiction treatment groups or modalities use a form of psychological co-mentoring, including Alcoholics Anony25
mous’s derivative of using “sponsors�. As they say in the book Alcoholics Anonymous, "Recovery begins when one alcoholic talks with another alcoholic, sharing experience, strength, and hope." (Alcoholics Anonymous, p. xxii). How this is relevant to us is that they suggest speaking to another person that has the same problem as you do, in the same way that we are suggesting that two people experiencing loneliness can speak to one another to degrade or decease their loneliness. It goes away almost immediately. Key #1: Good small talk is happy Besides alleviating all the problems we've already talked about, another reason we human folk seek to connect with one another is that it scratches a social itch. Our social needs are just like hunger and thirst - we eat, drink, and talk to people because there's a gap between our actual state (hungry/thirsty/lonely) and our ideal state (satiated/quenched/connected). That lonely feeling, that you can't stand' is saying, "Dude, mind helping me out a little? I'm not where I want to be." It's NOT saying, "Dude, let's go get a drink or drug", but that's how we've wired ourselves to react to the false brain message we label 'loneliness'. The whole idea here is to feel better after than we did before, so we have to start with an approachable facial expression and body language to match. Not only is the smile going to radiate positivity inwardly, but chances are that it will cause a mirror reaction in the person you are trying to talk with. You ever talk to people who are in a super sour mood? It's kind of contagious, isn't it? Unless you happen to be friends with people who can make crankiness charming (such as professional comedians and/ or giant puppies woken up from deep slumber), it's a bummer. 26
Let's not be bummers! Let's be those other kind of people, the ones who leave our conversational partners in good moods after they talk to us. So the choice is whether you will walk away mirroring their sour mood, or they will walk away mirroring your happy mood! That's why it is best to be anchored in your intention before you begin, so that you won't be swayed by a stoic bad mood that will not loosen up . . . sometimes it's best to chalk up a loss and move onto the next target. Engaging in happy small talk isn't just good for us, by the way-it helps the people we talk to as well. "Fake it 'til you make it" is more than just a catchy rhyme. The idea that acting a certain way encourages us to be that way has been around since Aristotle's time. Take a look at his quote (from over 2,300 years ago!):
"Men acquire a particular quality by constantly acting a particular way. We become just by performing just actions, temperate by performing temperate actions, brave by performing brave actions." So the next time you're feeling lonely or in a bad mood, and looking for a change, challenge yourself to talk to someone in an upbeat way and watch how it helps shake it off. I'm not suggesting you bop around like sunshine and fairy dust (don't get yourself punched), but isn't it powerful to realize that by simply chatting with another person in a positive way, you can walk away from the conversation with both you and them feeling better off? Key #2: Good small talk tries to be thoughtful Good small talk adapts in real-time, thoughtfully and attentively 27
applying to whatever is happening in the moment. An easy way to get off to a safe, good start is to offer a complement to someone. It can be an article of clothing, a hairstyle, or anything that’s not too personal or risky. People like to be complemented and they rarely backfire unless you choose poorly and give a complement that can be misinterpreted as a sexual advance. Use common sense and stay away from anything that could be interpreted wrong. This may sound overwhelming at first, especially if you like to plan things to say out in advance. The trick is to take a step back and pick one thing, anything, on which to focus your attention. There's a finite list of what this thing will be:
Whether it's sunny, rainy, or snowy, that's Chicago weather. Whether it's a street artist, an art exhibit, or a hot tub limousine driving by, that's scenery. Whether it's someone with crazy shoes, a guy doing back handsprings, or a woman swinging from a lamp post, that's people. Whether it's a cute baby, a fluffy puppy, or a cool purse, that's belongings. See how, all of a sudden, you can imagine having one or two prepared responses that can still perfectly apply to even the most novel of situations? Now, this may only get you as far as your first or second line within a conversation, after which you may need to start coming up with stuff in the moment. But the same logic of "step back/pick one thing" applies here too, and will help you keep from getting overwhelmed or panicking about what to say. 28
Here's an example: You: "I think I literally saw a cat and a dog raining down from the sky today." Them: "Ha! I know, right? I thought it was supposed to be spring." You: "It must be really tough to be a weatherman. You're either stating the obvious or you're a liar." Them: "My cousin is a weatherman." Curveball! You haven't prepared anything about weatherman cousins! But this is interesting and novel enough to justify a conversational tangent all its own (and could fall under the category of jobs, if you wanted to add it to your earlier list). Try a simple question. You: "Oh, interesting. How'd he or she get into that?" Before you know it, you're having a unique conversation, not banal "small talk". You're also learning things about your conversational partner (and they about you), which will help you build from one-off conversations with strangers to consistent friendships and relationships with people. Challenge yourself to identify these "one things" (weather, books, back handsprings) as you're out interacting with people. Use the comfort of a prepared line to open with if you like, but with the goal of finding something interesting that's happening in that moment to comment on. Your conversations will instantly be more thoughtful, and the people you're talking to will feel it, too. Key #3: Good small talk is usually quirky 29
My cousin Kim met my wife for the first time a few months ago. As soon as we all sat down, he said to her, "Tell me every single thing about yourself, starting from birth, and ending with right now." I thought it was just about the greatest thing I've ever heard. If my friend Jess is at someone's house for the first time, she'll say, "If I were the bathroom, where would I be?" She gets the answer - and a chuckle. My friend David struck up a conversation with a cute girl in Jiffy Lube by asking her if she thought the guy in the waiting room looked like a beagle. He called me to thank me for introducing him to his girlfriend. These examples all have in common the theme of turning awkwardness into awesomeness. They're about being confident, not being smooth. Sometimes dialing up the awkward dial can be just what everyone needs to loosen up a little, like when my friend Mike starts his presentations at work by saying, "If I seem incredibly nervous, it's because I am indeed incredibly nervous." It's a bold strategy, to be sure, but it can be incredibly refreshing. There's something undeniably fun about someone who says, "I'm hugely overcaffeinated right now, so I may pass out at some point. How was your weekend?" In short, don't feel pressure to rigidly adhere to some abstract notion of what small talk should be, losing all of your own delightful personality in the process. You're a member of the Rebellion, after all! You challenge conventional wisdom and embrace the weird eve30
ry day- let small talk be no exception. Key #4: Good small talk is imprecise Remembering the little things? Sweet. Remembering every little thing? Creepy. I happen to be in possession of a frighteningly good memory; I remember specific conversations (as well as where they took place, and what we were wearing) with people who couldn't pick me out of a lineup. I'm absolutely the person who goes up to people and says, "You're a chiropractor? We sat next to each other on a plane from L.A. to San Francisco about a year ago, right?" Yes, right... but it didn't matter. The dude was thoroughly creeped out, and I couldn't blame him!
I've had to learn to hold back a little (okay, a lot) and not spew forth with every single thing I remember about my last conversation with someone the next time I see them. Instead of saying: "Hey, how was that conference you went to in Phoenix?" go with, "You were going out of town when I saw you last, right?
"Is your upper left molar feeling any better?" go with, "Hey, how's it going?" Like a good hairdo or pocket square, it sometimes takes a bit of effort in conversation to make it seem effortless, but it's far preferable to freaking people out. Take your time. With each conversation, you're watering a healthy plant, not dousing a fire.
In fact, leaving a bit unsaid is probably the best way to ensure future conversations, and give you something to talk about next time! Besides, when you're imprecise, you allow the other per31
son to narrow in on a topic that they are comfortable with, rather than forcing them to talk about their upper left molar! With these four keys in mind, you're ready to start being a “small talkin’ storm trooper.” Challenge yourself to approach one person a day and strike up a conversation, even if it's brief.
Like everything else we do in life, good social skills can be learned, developed, honed, and improved. Though, it's really tough to practice unless you commit to TRYING it out. And who cares if the conversation goes poorly? Failure is awesome. Odds are you will NEVER see that person again in your life, and your life is no different now than it was 5 minutes before the conversation. Of course, the opposite could be true: you could actually meet somebody who’s awesome. And there's only one way to find out which outcome you're gonna get. If you're feeling really rusty, give it a shot with a friend or family member and ask for a little feedback afterward. If you're feeling bold, approach someone you wouldn't normally talk to. If you draw a blank, ask a question or give a complement. Breathe, smile, listen. Most of all, remember why you're doing this, and remind yourself that you're not imposing on someone by having a pleasant conversation with them - you're making their day a bit brighter, and you should never be made to feel bad about that.
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Drunk on Loneliness By AnaMia92 I have become so lonely, I've started having conversations With my loneliness. We drink together And drown together Sometimes in crown royal, Sometimes in tears. Most of the time I can't even remember who I am. What I loved. What I wanted in life.
Everything is a washed away memory. Leaving only pain and emptiness in it's place .Between loneliness and depression there is nothing really left of me. Just a hollowed out shell of who I used to be. I feel pushed aside like an old toy when Christmas comes along. I feel unwanted. I feel like a mistake. Like someone better could take my place. I talk to myself more than anyone else now which in turn makes me feel even crazier than before. All I want is attention. To know someone still cares. Even when I don't care about myself. But instead the only attention I capture is the attention of these four walls staring back at me..... Giving me the silent treatment. Just staring at me. Eating holes through my brain as I go more insane. So I'll just sit here in the dark all alone as I petrify into more of a nothing than I already am.all the while wishing I was more important than something.....more important than anything??_ just to feel important period.... 34
One Three Dog Night One is the loneliest number that you'll ever do Two can be as bad as one It's the loneliest number since the number one No is the saddest experience you'll ever know Yes, it's the saddest experience you'll ever know 'Cause one is the loneliest number that you'll ever do One is the loneliest number, worse than two It's just no good anymore since you went away Now, I spend my time just making rhymes of yesterday One is the loneliest number One is the loneliest number One is the loneliest number that you'll ever do One is the loneliest One is the loneliest One is the loneliest number that you'll ever do It's just no good anymore since you went away (Number) One is the loneliest (Number) One is the loneliest (Number) One is the loneliest number that you'll ever do (Number) One is the loneliest (Number) One is the loneliest (Number) One is the loneliest number that you'll ever do (Number) One (number one, loneliest number that you'll ever do) Ha-ah-ha (Yeah) (Number) One is the loneliest number that you'll ever do (number)
(Number) One is the loneliest number that you'll ever do (Number) One is the loneliest number that you'll ever do
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