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Lasting Marriage Discovering Godâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;s Meaning and Purpose for Your Relationship by Dustin & Melissa Heiner

Lasting Marriage - Discovering God’s Meaning and Purpose for Your Relationship

Contents 1. You Too Can Have a Lasting Marriage....................................................6 2. Who Should Read This Book..................................................................14 3. Ground Rules To Strengthen Your Marriage........................................18 4. Growing Your Marriage Closeness with God is Closeness With Your Spouse...................................................................................30 5. The Foundation for a Lasting Marriage.................................................34

Dedication

his book is dedicated to our Lord Jesus Christ who loved us and gave Himself up for us.

6. The Meaning of Marriage God’s Design from the Beginning.............47 7. Growing Your Marriage Setting Your Priorities In Order...................65 8. The Fall - Sin, Punishment, and Separation..........................................72 9. Punishment for Eve..................................................................................82 10. Punishment for Adam..............................................................................91 11. Growing Your Marriage 3 Ways to Build Lasting Love and Strengthen Your Marriage.......................................................... 104

But when the goodness and loving kindness of God our Savior appeared, 5he saved us, not because of works done by us in righteousness, but according to his own mercy, by the washing of regeneration and renewal of the Holy Spirit, 6whom he poured out on us richly through Jesus Christ our Savior, 7so that being justified by his grace we might become heirs according to the hope of eternal life.” 4

Titus 3:4-7 ESV

12. The Purpose of Marriage Why Marriage Was Created..................... 114 13. Growing Your Marriage Spend More Time with the Things That Are the Most Important............................................... 120 14. The First Institution God Created Was Marriage.............................. 127 15. Equal in Christ and Blessed to Have our Own Roles to Play........... 142 16. Growing Your Marriage Everyday Intimacy...................................... 162 17. Husbands Role to their Brides............................................................. 168 18. Brides Role to Their Husbands............................................................ 192 19. Growing Your Marriage Bless Your Spouse Daily the Way They Desire.................................................................................. 215 20. The Act Of Two Becoming One........................................................... 227 21. Living Into the Meaning and Purpose of Marriage........................... 240

Lasting Marriage - Discovering God’s Meaning and Purpose for Your Relationship

Dedication

Free Audiobook DOWNLOAD THE AUDIOBOOK OF “LASTING MARRIAGE” FOR FREE! Copyright Lasting Marriage www.lastingministry.com Copyright © 2016 Dustin Matsuhashi Heiner & Melissa Matsuhashi Heiner Published by Triune Publications Printed in the United States of America All rights reserved. No part of this publication may be reproduced, distributed, or transmitted in any form or by any means, including photocopying, recording, or other electronic or mechanical methods, without the prior written permission of the publisher, except in the case of brief quotations embodied in reviews and certain other noncommercial uses permitted by copyright law. Unless otherwise identified, Bible translations are from the English Standard Version

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ESV Copyright and Permissions Information The Holy Bible, English Standard Version® (ESV®) Copyright © 2001 by Crossway, a publishing ministry of Good News Publishers. All rights reserved. ISBN-10: 0-9975155-2-X ISBN-13: 978-0-9975155-2-7 4

Lasting Marriage - Discovering God’s Meaning and Purpose for Your Relationship

You Too Can Have a Lasting Marriage

Marriage was created to be a blessing for you and your spouse!

You Too Can Have a Lasting Marriage God created marriage. No government subcommittee envisioned it. No social organization developed it. Marriage was conceived and born in the mind of God.” Max Lucado

t is absolutely possible for you to have a lasting marriage. One that blesses you, your spouse, your children, and everyone around you. Since marriage was created to be a lifelong commitment, it is designed to get better and more enjoyable the longer you are married. As you and your spouse delight in each other, your love will build and strengthen over time. If you desire to have a lasting marriage, you and your spouse can learn how to build into it a lasting love that nourishes each of your souls. With the principles and teachings in this book, you and your spouse will begin to bless each other through service, love, actions, deeds, submission, and holiness. Marriage does not have to be routine, bland, or unenjoyable. It can, and should be fulfilling, exciting, pleasurable, and a blessing. Your marriage can be one of those success stories you hear about, where you are more deeply in love with each other on your 50th wedding anniversary than you were on your 1st. Imagine you and your spouse having a 50th wedding anniversary, celebrating all the years of being together. All your friends, family, and loved ones are there celebrating with you for your successful marriage. Everyone will be asking you “What is your secret to a lasting marriage?” As you read through this book, you will come to understand exactly how to answer that question. In this book, we are going to learn God’s meaning and purpose for marriage. God created marriage so that you and your spouse can have marriage filled with love, joy, blessings, and faithfulness. We will walk, step-by-step through actionable items for you and your spouse to begin strengthening your marriage. You will learn how husbands and wives are equal in

Lasting Marriage - Discovering Godâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;s Meaning and Purpose for Your Relationship

standing with God and how He gave husbands and wives different roles to play in the marriage. These roles were specifically designed by God for us to live and fulfill in our own marriages. This book will not fix your marriage in a week. It will take time to build these key principles into your marriage.

You Too Can Have a Lasting Marriage

As flawed human beings, we have a tendency to only serve ourselves while being selfish and self-centered in our actions. Your spouse is the way they are because they are not perfect. You are the way you are because you are not perfect either. This is an exciting time for you, your spouse! As you implement these principles into your marriage, you will begin to experience all the blessings God has in store for you. Your relationship with your spouse is meant to be a marathon, not a sprint. At the end of it all though, you and your spouse will be blessed and have a healthy and successful marriage. Begin today to pray for you, your spouse, and your marriage and God will start changing your marriage now to be a lasting one. Get ready for God to help you have a lasting marriage that is a blessing to everyone and glorifies God.

It may be that your marriage is currently struggling to stay together. You may be The key to marriage is simple: going through tough times Know, understand, and apply the right now and have little to meaning and purpose of marriage no love for your spouse. The as it was intended to be by the truth is, marriage is hard work. It takes intentionaliCreator of marriage. ty, perseverance, and direction to make it work. Even though things may be rough now, you can learn how to have a successful and healthy marriage. The key to marriage is simple: Know, understand, and apply the meaning and purpose of marriage as it was intended to be by the Creator of marriage. By learning and applying these truths, you will understand the way to have a healthy and lovefilled marriage. This can only be done by learning how it was designed by the One who created it. Once you know and implement Godâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;s design, your marriage will become a blessing to you and your spouse.

This book is designed to be informative as well as practical. The information and principles taught in this book will help you to understand the meaning and purpose of marriage. We will use the Bible as our guide and learn how to apply it to our marriages. The Scripture used in this book was not used to prove a point but rather the points are made to prove the Scripture. The Bible will speak for itself and we will build our lasting marriage around it.

The reason why marriage can be burdensome is because no one is perfect. We are all flawed human beings that tend be selfish and self-centered, rather than selfless and humble. When two flawed human beings are brought together in marriage, they create a flawed marriage. Try as we might, left to our own devices, our marriages can only be average at best. This is because we do not naturally live into the way God designed marriage to be.

All throughout this book you will find that the Scripture is the foundation and all points are drawn from it. There are many places where a Bible verse is referenced but not specifically written out and others where the Scripture is spelled out exactly as it is in the English Standard Version Bible (ESV). In both cases, I encourage you to use your own Bible as a guide and not take my word for it. When you come across the verse that

How to Get the Most Out of This Book

Lasting Marriage - Discovering God’s Meaning and Purpose for Your Relationship

you do not know, I encourage you to find it in your Bible and read it for yourself. The Bible is the most important thing that you and I could ever read. The more we read it the more we can know God and know how to glorify Him. As you read through this book, you will find there are sections called “Growing Your Marriage”. These sections are designed to help you implement God’s design of marriage into your own marriage. These sections contain practical applications for you to work through and put into practice in your marriage. These sections have fantastic practical application that accompanies the rest of the information given in the book. Both the practical and informative sections of this book are made to go in tandem. Reading one without the other will give you only part of the big picture.

You Too Can Have a Lasting Marriage

to download the physical version of this marriage covenant, go to: www.lastingministry.com/covenant. Here you will be able to download and print out a marriage covenant that you will be able to frame and place on a wall in your house as a daily reminder to yourself and others who see it that you made a covenant with your spouse to live into a lasting marriage with each other.

Marriage Covenant On your wedding day, you made a covenant with your spouse in front of many witnesses and God. If you’re like most people, the entire day felt like a blur because there was so much going on and you had so much on your mind. Think back to your wedding vows that you made with your spouse. That time just before the end of the ceremony where the person officiating your wedding asks you to recite the wedding vows. When it comes to your turn to hear all the wedding vows and then reply “I do”. Many people remember the entire day but sometimes forget the vows they made that day to their spouse. Today, let’s make another vow. This vow is a covenant from today forward to live intentionally in the meaning and purpose of marriage as created by God. This marriage covenant is between you, your spouse, and God. Read through the section that applies to you & sign your name at the bottom. If you want

Lasting Marriage - Discovering God’s Meaning and Purpose for Your Relationship

HUSBAND

You Too Can Have a Lasting Marriage

BRIDE

I, ________________________ choose you,

By God’s grace, I, _________________________

fairest of all women, forsaking all others. You are a

pledge myself anew, to encourage you, emotionally,

princess and a gem of great value. You are mine and

spiritually, and physically. I receive you as you are.

I choose to love you as Christ loves His church and

I rejoice and submit to your leadership. I defer to

gave Himself up for her. I crown your head with

your wisdom. I thank you for your provision. I am

loving kindness. I will protect you and defend you.

blessed by your caring love. It is my desire that our

I will be crucified to myself, that you may live. I will

covenant be a blessing to you and fulfilling. I com-

bless you. I will honor you and crown your head. I

mit myself to honor, respect, and submit to you as

ask you to enter into a covenant relationship with

unto the Lord. I give my whole heart, my mind, and

me. With God as the foundation of our home cru-

my body to you. I choose you above all others. May

cified to ourselves, and in mutual love. I love you

you find the fullness of God’s will. May you grow in

above all others. I give myself to you, and ask you to

the grace of our Lord Jesus Christ.

be my covenant partner in a lasting marriage. ______________________ His Signature

______________________ His Signature Signed this ___ day of __________, 20__

Signed this ___ day of __________, 20__ Lasting Marriage

Lasting Marriage

Lasting Marriage - Discovering God’s Meaning and Purpose for Your Relationship

Who Should Read This Book

arriage has been around since the beginning of time, and as hard as it is, it has not gotten any easier. Most people know that marriage is hard work, but not many actually try to learn how to strengthen it or make it successful. The stories, principles, and practices in this book will apply to you and your marriage. There is age old wisdom, handed down from couple to couple in this book that will challenge you to grow and strengthen your relationship with your spouse.

Who Should Read This Book Let the wife make the husband glad to come home, and let him make her sorry to see him leave.” Martin Luther

This book is for everyone who desires to create a deeper and more meaningful marriage. Even though this book is written with its foundation on the Bible, people who do not believe in the Bible will see their relationship strengthened and become healthy as a result of putting these principles into action. They have withstood the test of time and they will last beyond your marriage to all future generations.

People just do not want to work on their marriages anymore. With failed marriage after failed marriage, society is losing the wisdom on how to have a successful marriage.

It seems as though it is getting harder and harder to stay married in the 21st century. People just do not want to work on their marriages anymore. With failed marriage after failed marriage, society is losing the wisdom on how to have a successful marriage. It is no secret that marriages in the world are losing. Everywhere you look, you see divorces and breakups for some reason or another. In the world today, there is an onslaught of gossip and tabloid news telling of the most recent breakup in the celebrity world. With marriage under such strong oppression, it is no wonder why there are more divorces today than ever before. One of the newest reasons for divorce is “irreconcilable differences”. Di-

Lasting Marriage - Discovering God’s Meaning and Purpose for Your Relationship

Who Should Read This Book

vorce is so prevalent that a made up reason like “irreconcilable differences” can be used as grounds for divorce. Divorce is permitted as a “no-fault” divorce so no one person is blamed for the divorce (i.e. adultery). This is a way to get out of the marriage on “agreeable” terms so both parties can just walk away from it.

glory of God.” I have failed, you have failed, the next big celebrity has failed, and fallen short of the glory of God.

There are also fewer and fewer marriages taking place because young people do not see the need or value of marriage. The Bureau of Labor Statistics (BLS) has found that there are more singles in the world than there are married people. Since 1976, the BLS has been tracking data of all kinds including the rate of unmarried adults. In 1976, the unmarried rate for adults was at 37.4%. In September 2014, for the first time ever, the BLS statistics showed that unmarried adults outnumbered married adults. The percent of unmarried adults has grown to 50.2% of the population. Marriage is less and less a part of the American culture than all the previous years.

This book is here to help you to learn what marriage is really all about. It is meant to be a blessing to you and your spouse, it is not a curse or a hindrance. Marriage takes hard work and this book is not a “fix-all” to all your problems. You will get principles you can use to help grow your marriage as well as time tested wisdom for you to change to be a better spouse. As you implement the principles from this book into your marriage, you will strengthen it and make it healthier.

It stands to reason that most marriages don’t work because people do not learn how to be married anymore. In America, most of the population seems to get their morals, beliefs, and wisdom from celebrities who fail at marriage all the time. It may not be that all celebrities fail at marriage but it seems as though divorce prevalent in Hollywood. The topic of divorce grabs peoples’ attention as “breaking news”. News stations, tabloids, gossip shows, etc. love to talk about divorce. It is not “sexy” or “fascinating” to hear about a successfully happy marriage. That type of thing does not sell. The media and news is looking for a “shock factor” to grab viewers’ attention and divorce is the way to do it. People want to feel good about themselves and learning about the misery of others helps them to do that.

When all you see is marriages breaking up, it is hard to not get jaded and disenfranchised about the entire institution of marriage.

Be sure to implement the action items found in this book. They are designed to help you strengthen your relationship with your spouse. Your desire should be for you to be better no matter if you feel your spouse is doing the same. As you work on yourself, you will see the positive effects on your spouse. As your spouse works on their self, you will see positive effects on you. When you both work on yourselves independently of each other, trying to be a better spouse, your marriage will blossom, flourish, and thrive. The end goal of this book is for your marriage to be healthy and strong, with a hedge of protection around it. God bless you as you seek to cultivate a lasting marriage!

By seeing a successful celebrity, who has lots of money, many fans, fancy cars, and many homes, finally fail at something, it is human nature to feel a little proud that we are not as bad as them. In reality, everyone has failed in some way, shape or form. Romans 3:23 says that “All have sinned and fallen short of the 16

Lasting Marriage - Discovering God’s Meaning and Purpose for Your Relationship

Ground Rules To Strengthen Your Marriage

hile you are reading and applying this book to your marriage, I’m going to ask you to do something very hard for most people to do. Don’t worry, I would not ask you to do it if I was not willing to do it myself. The Bible says that those who teach will be judged more strictly (James 3:1) and if I don’t follow what I’m teaching God will hold me accountable for not doing as I preach.

Ground Rules To Strengthen Your Marriage Many conflicts in a marriage result from living to please self instead of living to please the Lord. These conflicts can be resolved and are actually opportunities for spiritual growth when dealt with in a biblical manner.” John C. Broger

I am going to lay down some ground rules for each of you to follow as you read through this book. Trust me, if you follow these ground rules your marriage will change for the better. As you submit to the Lord you will see him at work in your marriage. Left on our own, we will not change for the better. We need the Holy Spirit to come upon each of us to changes us from the inside out because that is the only change that is lasting. First Ground Rule: Only think about how this book applies to you. Do not think about how it applies to your spouse. Why do you see the speck that is in your brother’s eye, but do not notice the log that is in your own eye? 4Or how can you say to your brother, ‘Let me take the speck out of your eye,’ when there is the log in your own eye? 5 You hypocrite, first take the log out of your own eye, and then you will see clearly to take the speck out of your brother’s eye.” 3

Matthew 7:3-5 ESV What Jesus is saying here is that it is easier for everyone to see a flaw in another person no matter how small it is. In contrast, it is hard to see our own flaws even if they are as big as a log in our own eye. It can be that we choose not to acknowledge the log that is in our own eye because we don’t see it or are completely ignorant to it. In other words, it is easier to see the fault in somebody else than to see it in yourself. As you read this book, fight to focus only on yourself and how YOU need to 19

Lasting Marriage - Discovering God’s Meaning and Purpose for Your Relationship

change. Don’t think, “I hope my spouse reads this!” Be Be humble and pray the Lord humble and pray the Lord changes you. The only person changes you. The only person you can change is yourself. It is you can change is yourself. impossible for you to change your spouse to fit your desires. Pray for the Lord to do all the work in changing your spouse. Leave it up to the Holy Spirit who can change all of us for the better. I encourage you to flee from the temptation to read this book through the lens of how your spouse needs to learn and change. No matter how much arguing, complaining, nagging, and provoking you do to try and make your spouse change, the change you receive will not be the one you desire. They will most likely become resistant, hard, and possibly resent you for not being loving or respectful. As you try to change your spouse, you may be seen as a hypocrite doing exactly what you are saying they should not do. Since you can only change yourself, only read this book through the lens that it will help you to be a better spouse. In the end, this should be your number one goal: To be a better spouse. If you focus on yourself, and your spouse focuses on their self, marriage will get easier, better, and become more of a blessing. The way to do that is to seek to outdo each other in service to the marriage and each other. Second Ground Rule: Pray for the Lord to change you to be more like His Son Jesus Christ.

Ground Rules To Strengthen Your Marriage

Christ. The goal for every Christ follower is to be more like God’s Son Jesus Christ. We are all called to abide in Christ and the ultimate goal for every married person should be to be a more Christ-like spouse in your marriage. Jesus Christ never did anything wrong. He never acted out of pride, never lied to cover up something He did, and never sinned. If we strive to be like Jesus Christ and refrain from sinning in our marriage, we will be blessed by the Lord because the Lord blesses those whom He loves. God intended you to be Holy as He is Holy. As you beGod intended you to be Holy come more like His Son, you will become more and more as He is Holy. As you become like the spouse the Lord in- more like His Son, you will tended. As you become the become more and more like the spouse the Lord intended you to be, your marriage becomes spouse the Lord intended. the covenant the Lord intends it to be. With that comes all His blessings, desires, and righteousness for the both of you. The Lord wants you to be holy as He is holy and the only way to do that is to be more like Christ. Third Ground Rule: Pray for the Lord to change your spouse to be more like His Son Jesus Christ.

Consecrate yourselves, therefore, and be holy, for I am the LORD your God.”

But let him ask in faith, with no doubting, for the one who doubts is like a wave of the sea that is driven and tossed by the wind. 7For that person must not suppose that he will receive anything from the Lord; 8he is a double-minded man, unstable in all his ways.”

Leviticus 20:7 ESV

James 1:6-8 ESV

The Lord created a path for us to follow in how we can be Holy as He is Holy and that is by becoming imitators of Jesus

You cannot change your spouse no matter how hard you try. You can leave subtle hints, use circumstances, or be direct and

Lasting Marriage - Discovering God’s Meaning and Purpose for Your Relationship

nagging to your spouse to get them to change but these will never work. The only person that will help your spouse to change is the Holy Spirit and their own desire to do so. If you pray for your spouse to be like God’s Son Jesus Christ, then the Lord will bless your prayers and call your spouse to Himself. Once that happens the Holy Spirit will convict your spouse and be the agent for change inside of them. I can attest to the power of prayer in my marriage and how each of us has prayed for change in one another. Without sharing too much about our personal prayers for growth in each other, my bride and I can attest to the fact that very personal prayers have been answered by the Lord. I have personally prayed for my bride on 3 different occasions for her to change/ grow in our marriage. Some prayers took years to affect change and some months. In both cases, I sought the Lord for His will in our marriage, asked Him if He approved of my prayers and then proceeded to pray for change. Each time I did this, the Lord answered my prayer for change in my bride. The other times I prayed for change in my spouse, the Lord changed me instead. In both cases, my prayers were answered. I have been fully blessed because He answered according to His will and not my own. God gave me what I needed and not what I wanted. Remember when you pray for a change in your spouse, pray as Jesus did the night before He was crucified. Pray for the Lord’s will be done, not yours. And he withdrew from them about a stone’s throw, and knelt down and prayed, 42saying, “Father, if you are willing, remove this cup from me. Nevertheless, not my will, but yours, be done.” 41

Luke 22:41-43 ESV

Ground Rules To Strengthen Your Marriage

Fourth ground rule: Pray the Lord will change your marriage so it reflects Christ as is it led by the Holy Spirit and biblical principles. When the Spirit of truth comes, he will guide you into all the truth, for he will not speak on his own authority, but whatever he hears he will speak, and he will declare to you the things that are to come. 14He will glorify me, for he will take what is mine and declare it to you. 15All that the Father has is mine; therefore I said that he will take what is mine and declare it to you.” 13

John 16:13-15 ESV The Lord desires to bless your marriage and make the unit conform to His will and be fully devoted to him. The Holy Spirit is your guide and helper who will lead you both into sanctification with the Lord. Your marriage will be made holy as you follow the Lord’s commands for your marriage. As you seek to continually fulfill the covenant you made with God and your spouse, God will make the Word become a lamp to your feet and a light to your path. Just like the Holy Spirit will change you from the inside, He will change your spouse from the inside and likewise, your marriage. If your marriage is struggling and you feel as though hope may be lost, the Holy Spirit is there for you. Have faith that He will change both of you to be led by the Lord and be fully devoted Christ followers. Fifth Ground Rule: If you see something in this book that your spouse could benefit from learning don’t tell them instead, pray that the Lord will reveal it to him or her. It will be tempting when you find something in this book that you believe applies to your spouse and you believe they need to learn. You may want to show them this section and try 23

Lasting Marriage - Discovering God’s Meaning and Purpose for Your Relationship

to prove your point that they need to change. I can tell you from firsthand experience, this is the last thing you want to do. The more you nag, complain, and criticize, the more obstinate and resistant your spouse will become. This may prove to actually be detrimental to your relationship. In a future chapter I share how God changed my decision about how we would be schooling our children through my praying wife. Also, I have personally witnessed growth in my wife through my prayers with the help of the Holy Spirit. So pray the Lord will be the change agent in your lives and that the Holy Spirit will come upon each of you make your marriage more glorifying of God.

Divorce Is Never An Option There is one word that can severely damage if not cripple your marriage. If either you or your spouse uses this word in any way regarding your marriage, nothing good can come of it. The word is divorce. Once the thought of possible separation and the dissolving of the marriage is brought into your marriage, it is very hard for that thought to be removed. When one spouse uses divorce as either an option or a threat, the other will always wonder in the back of their mind if or when your marriage will end in divorce. From the beginning of our marriage, Melissa and I agreed that the word divorce would never be used by either of us. It was as if that word was not even in our vocabulary. Even when times were the hardest for us, we both knew that we would never separate or be divorced. The word divorce should never be used in your marriage either. Biblically, there are only a couple of reasons when divorce is permitted. Did you catch that? The Bible says the Lord only permits divorce. The Lord permits someone to divorce their spouse but it is not a requirement or even prescribed by the Him in any situation. We learn from Jesus how 24

Ground Rules To Strengthen Your Marriage

God designed marriage from the beginning in Matthew 19. In this passage, the Pharisees are testing Jesus as to His knowledge of the Word and as a means to trap Him with His own words. And Pharisees came up to him and tested him by asking, “Is it lawful to divorce one’s wife for any cause?” 4 He answered, “Have you not read that he who created them from the beginning made them male and female, 5 and said, ‘Therefore a man shall leave his Father and his mother and hold fast to his wife, and the two shall become one flesh’? 6So they are no longer two but one flesh. What therefore God has joined together, let not man separate.” 7They said to him, “Why then did Moses command one to give a certificate of divorce and to send her away?” 8He said to them, “Because of your hardness of heart Moses allowed you to divorce your wives, but from the beginning it was not so. 9And I say to you: whoever divorces his wife, except for sexual immorality, and marries another, commits adultery.”” 3

Matthew 19:3-9 ESV The Matthew Henry Commentary explains this section of scripture very well. Matthew 19:3-12 The Pharisees were desirous of drawing something from Jesus which they might represent as contrary to the law of Moses. Cases about marriage have been numerous, and sometimes perplexed; made so, not by the law of God, but by the lusts and follies of men; and often people fix what they will do, before they ask for advice. Jesus replied by asking whether they had not read the account of the creation, and the first example of marriage; thus pointing out that every departure therefrom was 25

Lasting Marriage - Discovering God’s Meaning and Purpose for Your Relationship

wrong. That condition is best for us, and to be chosen and kept to accordingly, which is best for our souls, and tends most to prepare us for, and preserve us to, the kingdom of heaven. When the gospel is really embraced, it makes men kind relatives and faithful friends; it teaches them to bear the burdens, and to bear with the infirmities of those with whom they are connected, to consider their peace and happiness more than their own. As to ungodly persons, it is proper that they should be restrained by laws, from breaking the peace of society. And we learn that the married state should be entered upon with great seriousness and earnest prayer. Jesus, obviously knowing the Scripture and how it applies, replies to them that they do not know the Scripture because it says that man and woman are not to be separated. They have become one flesh and what is now one must not be split into two. We see that Jesus says from the beginning divorce was not an option. From inception, God created marriage to be a permanent bond and covenant between husband and wife. Divorce and separation was never a part of God’s plan. God created marriage before sin entered the world and marriage was much simpler without sin. After sin entered the world marriage got much more complex. Because sin entered the world, we now have a choice to allow our hearts to be hard toward God and our spouse.

Divorce is not an option. From the beginning the design of God for marriage was until death parted the man and woman.

Divorce is not an option. From the beginning the design of God for marriage was until death parted the man and woman. Jesus then goes on to explain why Moses performed divorces. It was because of their

Ground Rules To Strengthen Your Marriage

hardness of heart. Marriage was created to be a lasting covenant like the covenant between Christ and His church. Christ would never divorce His bride the church. Even as she leaves Him, He always pursues her. Never will Christ go after another bride. He has only one and she is the church.

Never to be Used as A Weapon Beyond just using the word divorce in your marriage, it can cause massive damage. In any relationship, a threat is viewed as a hostile expression of distrust, unfaithfulness, disrespect, and an unloving relationship with each other. Just think about a non-related situation where a threat can be detrimental to a relationship. Let’s say you are an employee of a company and you believe that the owner should pay you more money for the work that you do. The best way to go about it would be to work very hard, do your job better than anyone else, and prove to your boss that you deserve a raise by your actions. Then the time comes for you to have an evaluation with the owner of the company and you humbly request a raise in pay because of your performance. Whether your boss gives you one or not, your relationship with him will not be hindered because he would perceive you as a very good employee and not someone who is attacking him. You would not be perceived as a threat. Another way to go about asking for a raise would be to not work hard, be a terrible employee, belittle your boss behind his back, and demand a raise every week. When you don’t get the raise from your boss, you become arrogant and threaten your boss that you will quit if you do not get a raise. Your relationship with your boss will be very strained and your future employment with your boss is on very unstable ground. At best, he puts you on an employee improvement plan and watches you like a hawk. At worst, he fires you and you are now without a job. 27

Lasting Marriage - Discovering God’s Meaning and Purpose for Your Relationship

Threatening your boss with quitting your job is like threatening your spouse with a divorce. Your relationship with your spouse will be extremely strained and your spouse will constantly be wondering if you are planning on leaving them. If they believe that you are planning on leaving in the future, how hard do you think they’re going work on their part of the marriage? They will be more paranoid about all your words, actions, and emotions instead of focusing on how to grow and strengthen the marriage. When you use divorce as a weapon against your spouse you are seeing them as an enemy not as a partner and especially not as someone who is one with you. When you and your spouse were married you became one in flesh and are now the same person. You would never threaten yourself because you know it would not work since you cannot divorce yourself. If you are currently using the word divorce as a weapon against your spouse you need to repent because you have sinned against your spouse and God. Repenting requires two things from you. You need to ask for forgiveness from your spouse and God as well as turn from that sin of using divorce as a weapon against your spouse.

Ground Rules To Strengthen Your Marriage

Through prayer and petition to the Lord along with your humble actions toward your Through prayer and petition spouse, your marriage and your to the Lord along with your spouse will change over time as humble actions toward your the Lord sees fit. Because you spouse, your marriage and can only control yourself and the things you say, you need to your spouse will change over make a commitment to never time as the Lord sees fit. use the word divorce in your marriage and pray your spouse does the same. Again, if you have ever used divorce in your marriage as a weapon against your spouse, you must repent and ask their forgiveness. Don’t wait, do it now. Devote yourself to never using that word again and vow to your spouse and the Lord to remain faithful till death do you part.

If your spouse is currently using the word divorce as a weapon against you, pray that the Lord will help your spouse to come to repentance. Pray continually that the Lord changes your spouse and brings them to repentance. He will do abundantly more than we can ask. Also, after you read through the rest of this book, have an open, loving, and honest conversation about using the word divorce. It may be best to start with how you have made a commitment to never use that word against them in any way.

Lasting Marriage - Discovering Godâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;s Meaning and Purpose for Your Relationship

Closeness with God is Closeness With Your Spouse

Growing Your Marriage Closeness with God is Closeness With Your Spouse When I have learnt to love God better than my earthly dearest, I shall love my earthly dearest better than I do now.â&#x20AC;? C.S. Lewis

arriage is a covenant relationship between a man, a woman, and God. In reality, the most important part of the covenant relationship is your relationship with God. Without a relationship with God, marriage can never be fully what it was intended to be. Think of your relationship with God as a way to gauge the relationship you have with your spouse. As you and your spouse grow closer in your relationship to God you will naturally grow in your relationship with each other and will become closer while making your marriage stronger. God designed marriage to be a blessing to those who follow His intended design for marriage. As each spouse fulfills their God-given roles as husband and wife, their marriage is more blessed and strengthened. The more the husband becomes like Christ, the more he is able to treat his bride as Christ does His church. The husband becomes more loving in action and will treat his bride in a more nourishing and cherished way. As he loves his bride like Christ loves His church, his bride responds as the church should towards Christ. She gives him the honor and respect that a God-fearing husband is worthy of. Likewise, as a wife grows closer to God she treats her husband with more respect, honor, and authority. She is called to do these things for her husband as unto the Lord. It is as if she is doing these things to and for the Lord when she does them to her husband. The Lord is the one she is really doing it for and the husband is the beneficiary of these actions. Also, when she acts in a respectful and honoring way towards her husband, he is much more willing and even desiring to show her the love that she deserves. With each person in the marriage growing closer towards God, they learn how to walk in the roles He designed for them. A person grows closer to God as they learn how to glorify Him and apply what they learn from reading the Bible. Here is a short list of the ways a person can glorify the Lord. 31

Lasting Marriage - Discovering Godâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;s Meaning and Purpose for Your Relationship

1. Repent and believe that Jesus Christ is Lord 2. Love God 3. Love others as yourself 4. Read the Bible daily 5. Pray daily 6. Share the gospel with unbelievers As you do these things, your relationship with the Lord will grow. As your relationship with the Lord grows, so will your relationship with your spouse. The opposite is also true. The farther your relationship is from the Lord, the farther away you are in relation to your spouse. The relationship with your spouse is a direct reflection of the relationship you have with God.

Lasting Marriage - Discovering God’s Meaning and Purpose for Your Relationship

The Foundation for a Lasting Marriage

The Foundation for a Lasting Marriage To encounter Christ is to touch reality and experience transcendence. He gives us a sense of self-worth or personal significance, because He assures us of God’s love for us. He sets us free from guilt because He died for us and from paralyzing fear because He reigns. He gives meaning to marriage and home, work and leisure, personhood and citizenship.” John Robert Walmsley Stott

his book is written with a biblical understanding of how the Lord created the institution of marriage and how he designed it in form and function. My beautiful wife and I filter every aspect of our lives through the Bible and what it says. We apply the same principal in our marriage. With many years of marriage ministry experience, premarital and marital counseling, and the Holy Spirit, we rely on the scripture for our source of wisdom for marriage. We have found, the more we apply the Bible to our lives, the more fulfilled we are in Christ. We believe that the Bible is the inspired Word of God and is profitable for teaching, reproof, correction and for training in righteousness, that we may be complete, equipped for every good work (2 Timothy 3:16-17). Throughout this book, you will see scripture references that helped shaped and form the thinking behind this book. We are going to use Scripture as our foundation for every understanding about marriage and how it applies to our lives. The Lord’s desire for us is to be holy as He is holy (Leviticus 20:26) and the Bible is how He reveals holiness to us. We see examples throughout the scripture for us to follow Men are called to serve their in His holiness. My desire for this book is to have you and your brides by loving their wives as spouse grow together in Christ Christ loves His church and and to learn how to outdo each gave Himself up for her. The other in service to one anothwives are to respect and submit er. Men are called to serve their brides by loving their wives as to their husband as unto the Christ loves His church and gave Lord. Himself up for her. The wives are to respect and submit to their husband as unto the Lord. (If the word “submit” feels like a metaphorical punch in the face, the biblical understanding of what submission is will hopefully settle any resentment or bitterness about the use and function of that word. This will be discussed at length soon.) 35

Lasting Marriage - Discovering God’s Meaning and Purpose for Your Relationship

In all of creation, there are three God-ordained institutions the Lord created to benefit His creation. The first two were created before the fall of man, after which sin entered the world. Marriage is the first institution the Lord created. The Family is the second institution the Lord created from Marriage. The Church is the third institution the Lord created and was put in place after sin entered into the world. For a lasting marriage, we are going to primarily focus on the institution of marriage and take a quick peak into the institution of the family. I understand the word institution carries with it a negative connotation in today’s culture. It may feel like it is a stiff, rigid, and impersonal organization that you may not want to be a part of. If you would have heard the word institution for the first time in the Garden of Eden when marriage was created, you would not have had any preconceived notion of what an institution was. There would not have been any man made institution skewing your perspective of what an institution was. You would have only known the good things about it. You would have seen the institution as God designed it, perfect and sinless. In today’s culture, marriage seems as though it is something that people can slip in and out of easily. You see it all over the media and internet. If your marriage is struggling, then why not just get a divorce because you have “irreconcilable differences”? If you trace marriage back to its origin, it was created in the Garden of Eden as the first God-ordained institution. God created Adam and Eve, and brought the two together to be joined into one flesh in marriage (Genesis 2:24-25). From marriage, the Lord established the family as a by-product of the first institution of marriage. We will see that one of the purposes of marriage is procreation and with that comes a responsibility to raise up Godly offspring who know and love the Lord.

The Foundation for a Lasting Marriage

Even if you do not believe in God or His son Jesus Christ, do not let that stop you from strengthening your marriage with the time tested principles in this book to grow your marriage. Even if you only implement one way to improve your marriage, it will be worth it in the end.

The Bible Is Good for Every Area of Our Life But as for you, continue in what you have learned and have firmly believed, knowing from whom you learned it 15and how from childhood you have been acquainted with the sacred writings, which are able to make you wise for salvation through faith in Christ Jesus. 16All Scripture is breathed out by God and profitable for teaching, for reproof, for correction, and for training in righteousness, 17that the man of God may be complete, equipped for every good work.” 14

2 Tim 3:14-17 ESV In 2 Timothy 3:14-17, Paul describes how the Bible should be applied to our lives. He is encouraging his disciple Timothy to view the Bible as God’s Word and instructing him to apply it to every area of his life and ministry. It was the Jewish custom for the parents to instruct their children, starting at the age of five, in the ways of the Lord and Scripture. Paul tells Timothy to continue in what he learned from his Mother Eunice, Grandmother Lois, and what Paul himself taught Timothy. Paul indicates to Timothy that the Scripture will make him wise about the salvation through faith in Jesus Christ, as well as many other things that the Scripture will instruct him in the ways of the Lord. Also Paul explains how all Scripture is from God the Father and “profitable for teaching, reproof, correc37

Lasting Marriage - Discovering God’s Meaning and Purpose for Your Relationship

tion, and training in righteousness that the man of God may be complete, equipped for every good work.” In all areas of your life, the Bible must be your guide for how you are to live, relate to, serve, and love each other. Marriage is no different. The Bible should be applied to The Bible should be applied how you look at every area of to how you look at every area your life. Religion, Science, of your life. Religion, Science, Government, Money, EduGovernment, Money, Education, cation, Family, History, etc. There should be no area of Family, History, etc. There your life that the Bible does should be no area of your life not apply to.

that the Bible does not apply to.

In a marriage, like any relationship, there are always two sides to a story. When two fallen and sinful people come together in marriage, even if they believe in the Lord Jesus Christ and have a saving faith in Him, arguments will arise and disagreements will happen. How you handle those disagreements and arguments will cause your marriage to become stronger or weaker. Imagine this scenario. You’re playing a board game with your spouse on a Saturday night for a relaxing night at home. You enjoy each other’s company playing the game as you both understand the rules and are having a great time. Unexpectedly, your spouse makes a move that you believe is against the rules. You believe this move allows them to cheat and win the game. If you’re like most couples, this is a prime opportunity for a disagreement and possibly an argument with your spouse. Even though you believe the move your spouse made was cheating, your spouse may not agree with you. You both believe you are right and the other is wrong. After 5 minutes of discussing the rules, this situation quickly turns into an “intense fellowship” (large argument or fight) with your spouse. Each of 38

The Foundation for a Lasting Marriage

you try to prove the other wrong and yourselves right. At this time, it would be good to turn to the rulebook for the game. In the games rulebook, you both find out what the actual rules are and how to play the game within the rules. As it turns out, your spouse was right and the move was a legitimate move and they won the game. You now realize that you were wrong and are able to move past the disagreement. Now imagine you did not have a rulebook to go by. Both of you would be playing from your own set of rules with no way to figure out if the move was legitimate or not. Or, you actually had the rulebook but your spouse decides he or she did not want to follow those rules but instead make their own. Wouldn’t this be a recipe for disaster in the game you’re playing let alone your feelings and emotions toward your spouse? Now think of the Bible as being a rulebook or guidebook for your life. The more closely you follow it the more you are living by the rules the creator gave you. The more closely you follow the Bible, the more you can glorify God with your life and be blessed by Him. Praise the Lord! Blessed is the man who fears the Lord, who greatly delights in his commands.” Psalm 112:1 ESV A quick sidebar here is that blessings do not necessarily equate to health, wealth, and prosperity. Blessings are the things that the Lord wants to give you for being obedient no matter what it is. The Lords blessings can definitely be health, wealth, and prosperity but that is not always the case. God is not a genie in a lamp that grants us wishes to fulfill our desires. It seems to me that the American culture has bred in us the belief that God desires for us to be happy. The Bible never says we will be happy here on earth. Only when we are in heaven will we share in the Fathers happiness. It does say though that every good and perfect gift comes from the Lord (James 1:17). The Bible promises 39

Lasting Marriage - Discovering God’s Meaning and Purpose for Your Relationship

you will be blessed when you are persecuted for righteousness sake. Christ-followers are to be Joyful, not happy. Blessed are those who are persecuted for righteousness’ sake, for theirs is the kingdom of heaven. “Blessed are you when others revile you and persecute you and utter all kinds of evil against you falsely on my account. Rejoice and be glad, for your reward is great in heaven, for so they persecuted the prophets who were before you.”

Matthew 5:10-11 ESV

In Acts 5:17-42, Peter and the apostles rejoiced that they were counted worthy to suffer dishonor for the name of Jesus Christ. So we see how blessings are not always the blessings that we would have chosen for ourselves but the Father knows what we need and will bless us as He chooses. Just like the birds of the air neither sow nor reap nor gather into barns, and yet our heavenly Father feeds them, the Lord will bless us even more than them because we are of much more value than they are. As you and your spouse follow the rules that God put Blessings come when we love forth in His Word, blessings God and are obedient to God’s will follow because of your obedience. Blessings come Word to us. when we love God and are obedient to God’s Word to us. “For I desire steadfast love and not sacrifice, the knowledge of God rather than burnt offerings.” (Hosea 6:5-7). And how do you love God? “Everyone who believes that Jesus is the Christ has been born of God, and everyone who loves the Father loves whoever has been born of him. 2By this we know 40

The Foundation for a Lasting Marriage

that we love the children of God, when we love God and obey his commandments. 3For this is the love of God, that we keep his commandments. And his commandments are not burdensome.”

1 John 5:1-3 ESV

Now back to you and your spouse having an argument over the rules of the board game. When you and your spouse both agree that the rules that came with the board game are the ultimate authority, then you both have the same set of rules to play by. In life, there is a rulebook we can all go by. The creator of life wrote a “rulebook” of sorts when He created the Bible. It is His words to us as His creation. Life is much easier when you know why you were created and how to play the “game” of life. In the case of the board game, if your husband makes a move that would be against the rules, you could go to the rulebook and show him where he broke the rules. Then he would see that he actually did break the rules and would agree that the move was made in error and at that point he could correct his move. You can go on playing the game like normal and not have an “intense fellowship” with your spouse that could lead into a huge fight. Likewise, if you and your spouse view the Bible as the ultimate authority in all areas of your life, then you basically have a rulebook set forth by your Creator on how you are to live and act. Whenever an issue arises that stresses your marriage, you both can turn to the Word and share with each other what the rulebook says. After discussion, prayer, and fellowship hopefully you and your spouse will follow the Bible and be obedient to the Lord. The opposite would be that you and your spouse are arguing about an issue where you both disagree and each feel that you both are 100% correct. There is no way to verify who is actually correct since the both of you believe you are right and the other person is wrong. 41

Lasting Marriage - Discovering God’s Meaning and Purpose for Your Relationship

Using the Bible to Guide Your Path Imagine with me again that you and your spouse are having an “intense fellowship” over a certain topic you both disagree on. For example, let’s say that you don’t believe it is right to spank your 3 years old child, and your spouse believes that it is perfectly fine to spank your child. Your spouse believes your child will benefit from spanking and you believe that it would be detrimental to spank your child. The both of you have your own reasons for your belief and you both believe the other is wrong. Now imagine you were raised in a home that did not believe in spanking your child. You never received a spanking and you turned out perfectly fine. You have also done your research on the effects of spanking your child and what the current “Gurus” are saying and they agree with you. Also, most recent psychological studies have shown evidence to support your belief that spanking is wrong. You have also found many blog posts from so-called experts that give you “Nine Reasons Why You Shouldn’t Spank Your Child “ that all sound very appealing if not outright correct. Your spouse on the other hand was raised in a home where spanking was allowed if not encouraged. They turned out perfectly fine being spanked and says that they would’ve turned out worse if they had not been spanked. They also do research and find, more parenting gurus that say spanking is very beneficial for a child’s development. They are very adamant that spanking is completely fine and will benefit your children.

Without an authority that you both agree on in your life, no one can say that they are right.

Without an authority that you both agree on in your life, no one can say that they are right. Your spouse can say that they are right because of the research and experiences they had, and you can say

The Foundation for a Lasting Marriage

that you are right because of the research and experiences that you have had. If neither of you agree on who or what is an authority in your life, you both can be wrong and right at the same time. It just depends on whose perspective you’re looking at. The both of you turn to your friends, parents, and others in your lives to get more reassurance of your perspective to prove that you are right. Both of you then come back to each other and try to prove your point but neither one backs down because you both believe that you are right. You both share the insights from the people you regard as an authority in the subject and are still at an impasse because both of you have different authorities in your life. Eventually you come to a stalemate and find that both of you are completely firm on your decision. With this issue, and every other issue you have ever had, the Bible should be the ultimate authority in your lives. Since the Bible was written by God to benefit us in this life, we can go to it and find all the answers that we need. You not only have the Bible, you have the Holy Spirit inside each of you helping you to understand what the Bible says and its interpretation as it is applied in your life. After all of the arguing between you and your spouse, you turn to the Bible. You both except the Word as the ultimate authority and agree to let the Bible direct you in the area of discipline for your children. Your spouse turns to Proverbs 13:24 where it says “whoever spares the rod hates his son, but he who loves him is diligent to discipline him.” You then turn to Psalm 103:13 “as a Father shows compassion to his children, so the Lord shows compassion to those who fear him.” You then turn to Colossians 3:21 where it says “Fathers, do not provoke your children, lest they become discouraged.” Then your spouse turns to Proverbs 29:15 “the rod and reproof give wisdom, but a child left to himself bring shame to his mother.” And Proverbs 23:13-14 “13Do not withhold discipline from a child; if you strike him with a rod, he will not die. 14If you strike him with the rod, you will save his soul from the grave.” You 43

Lasting Marriage - Discovering God’s Meaning and Purpose for Your Relationship

then share Proverbs 22:6 “train up a child in the way he should go; even when he is old he will not depart from it.” And Proverbs 22:15 where it says “Folly is bound up in the heart of a child, but the rod of discipline drives it far from him.” You both have come to the ultimate authority in your life to find out what the answer is. Should you spank your child in discipline or not? After long discussions, study, and prayer, you both come to the conclusion about how God desires you to discipline your children. Throughout the Bible, you both find many verses that help you to come to a mutual understanding of what the Lord says is the best way to discipline your children. You come to an agreement that the Bible teaches you should spank your child under certain criteria. First, it should be done appropriately AND in a loving manner. Secondly, in a way that will teach and build them up in order to help your child grow. You both agree that spanking will teach correction and save your child from the grave. All this will be instilled into your child while helping them to know you love them even more because you spank them. You both read: “And have you forgotten the exhortation that addresses you as sons? 5 My son, do not regard lightly the discipline of the Lord, nor be weary when reproved by him. 6For the Lord disciplines the one he loves, and chastises every son whom he receives.” 7It is for discipline that you have to endure. God is treating you as sons. For what son is there whom his Father does not discipline? 8If you are left without discipline, in which all have participated, then you are illegitimate children and not sons. 9Besides this, we have had earthly Fathers who disciplined us and we respected them. Shall we not much more be subject to the Father of spirits and live? 44

The Foundation for a Lasting Marriage

For they disciplined us for a short time as it seemed best to them, but he disciplines us for our good, that we may share his holiness. 11For the moment all discipline seems painful rather than pleasant, but later it yields the peaceful fruit of righteousness to those who have been trained by it.”

Hebrews 12:5-11 ESV This entire passage strikes you both as you read through it. Verse five and six stands out to you and helps you to see how the Lord disciplines you because he loves you. He chastises (punish through pain) every son he has to help him grow. Also Proverbs 13:24 says “Whoever spares the rod hates his son, that he who loves him is diligent to discipline.” Your spouse sees how verse 10 says “for they disciplined us for a short time as it seemed best to them, but he disciplines us for our good, that we may share his holiness.” Hebrews 12 coupled with Psalms 103:13 “as a Father shows compassion to his children, so the Lord shows compassion to those who fear him.” Now after searching through Scripture with your spouse, you have both come to an understanding that the Bible says spanking your child, for a short time as seems best to you, will help your children AND show them that you love them because you spank them. Discipline through spanking will even save them from going to the grave prematurely. Because you both place the Bible as your ultimate authority in your life, you both have a “rulebook”. This rulebook is where you both can go to in times of intense fellowship that will help you have God’s frame of reference for all things in your life. Another quick example would be how you can also use the Bible to help your spouse know that looking at anyone with lust is a sin (Matthew 5:28). If your husband believes it is fine for him to look at pornography, and you both believe that the Bible is your ultimate authority, then you can bring your husband to 45

Lasting Marriage - Discovering God’s Meaning and Purpose for Your Relationship

the Bible and show him that Jesus specifically said that looking at a woman with lust is a sin. If he is a believer in the Lord Jesus Christ, the Holy Spirit will convict him and he will turn from the wickedness. What do you do if your spouse is not a believer but you are? 1 Peter 3:1–7 helps us to understand how to witness to an unbelieving If your spouse is not a believer, spouse in your marriage. If take heart that the Lord will your spouse is not a believer, use you to help them repent and take heart that the Lord will turn from their wickedness to use you to help them repent and turn from their wickedJesus. ness to Jesus. Truly I tell you, if you have faith and do not doubt, not only can you do what was done to the fig tree, but also you can say to this mountain, ‘Go, throw yourself into the sea,’ and it will be done. And all things, whatever you shall ask in prayer, believing, you shall receive. “ Matthew 21:21-22 ESV Also James 5:15 says “And the prayer of faith will save the one who is sick, and the Lord will raise him up. And if he has committed sins, he will be forgiven.” So as we can see from 2 Timothy, the Bible is profitable for teaching, for reproof, for correction, and for training in righteousness that every believer in the Lord may be complete. This goes for every area of our lives: work, religion, science, etc., and your marriage.

6 The Meaning of Marriage God’s Design from the Beginning As God by creation made two of one, so again by marriage He made one of two.” Thomas Adam

Lasting Marriage - Discovering God’s Meaning and Purpose for Your Relationship

hy should we use the Bible as a means to understand how to have a successful marriage? This is a question that needs to be fully addressed. First, I can attest to the wisdom and understanding received from the Bible and how it has transformed my marriage. The Bible has also blessed many other marriages my wife and I have had the blessing to counsel. Second, all humans are created by a Creator, and created for a purpose. His method of communicating to us is through the Bible and prayer. Many people throughout the centuries have asked the question, “What is the meaning of life?” The answer to that question is simple if you have the understanding that you, and I, were created by an infinite Creator for His own purpose. At the end of Ecclesiastes, the book of wisdom, we learn from the wisest man who ever lived, King Solomon, what the meaning of life is. Ecclesiastes 12:13-14 says “the end of the matter; all has been heard. Fear God and keep his commandments, for this is a whole duty of man. For God will bring every deed into judgThe meaning and purpose of life ment, with every secret thing, whether good or evil.” The is to glorify God. We glorify God meaning and purpose of life is by fearing Him and keeping His to glorify God. We glorify God commandments. by fearing Him and keeping His commandments. Let’s say that you took a pottery class to learn how to make things out of clay. You, being the creator of the pot, first need to decide what it is you want to make. In order to do that, you first figure out the purpose of your creation and start from there. If your goal is to create something that is able to hold water, then you would make a pot that has the ability to hold water. You wouldn’t create a round ball because it is incapable of holding water. Likewise, if you desire to create an interesting piece of artwork that is to sit on a table 48

The Meaning of Marriage God’s Design from the Beginning

for people to look at and discuss, then you make something that is very creative and maybe abstract. There is always a purpose behind every creation whatever it might be. Since the Bible tells us that God the Father is the Potter and we are the clay (Isaiah 29:15-16 & Romans 9:19-20), he has made us with a purpose in mind. Likewise, God the Father created marriage for a purpose. He designed it in a way that would best fit his creation. So, what does this have to do with marriage? Well, the same God that created you for a purpose, to glorify him, created the institution of marriage and blessed the human race with it. He created man in His image and likeness and then created woman from man. Each were created for a purpose and each have a role they were designed to be responsible for. In order to understand God’s design for marriage, we need to understand the designer Himself. There are two places in the Bible that says “in the beginning”. The first time is in Genesis 1 where the Bible says “In the beginning, God created the heavens and the earth.” Genesis 1 goes on to explain how God created all things and in Him all things were created. The second time is in John 1 where it also says “In the beginning” but brings more insight into, not creation, but the person of God. John 1:1 says “In the beginning was the Word, and the Word was with God, and the Word was God.” What is the Word? It is the Bible in its entirety. God’s Word (Bible) existed before time even existed and was with God at creation. In Matthew 4:4, Jesus states “Man shall not live by bread alone, but by every Word that comes from the mouth of God.” And Proverbs 30:5 says “Every Word of God proves true; he is a shield to those who take refuge in him Again, what does this have to do with marriage? Everything! Let’s put it all together. 1. Jesus was with the Father in the beginning when he created everything 49

Lasting Marriage - Discovering God’s Meaning and Purpose for Your Relationship

2. Jesus (who is God) is the Word of God made flesh and dwelt among us 3. God created man in his image and likeness 4. God created woman from man 5. God joined the man and the woman together in the institution He created called marriage 6. Every part of creation has its own role 7. The Word of God is our way to understand His design for marriage 8. God explains how a successful marriage should operate because he created it

When we follow the Creators’ design for marriage, we are the most useful for His glory.

What is even more interesting is that there are so many more references, symbolisms, and direct scripture on marriage. In this book, we will look at how God designed marriage to be a blessing to those who live their lives by the Bibles principles for marriage. You will learn how to transform your marriage so it can be blessed by God as you begin building it on the Word of God.

Meaning of Marriage - Two Become One Flesh Definition: “meaning” What is intended to be, or actually is, expressed or indicated; signification; import:

The Meaning of Marriage God’s Design from the Beginning

As we look at the meaning of marriage, the definition of meaning helps us to understand what we are looking for and what marriage was intended to be from the beginning of creation. When God created marriage, He had a reason for doing it. The meaning of marriage The meaning of marriage is is a man and woman uniting a man and woman uniting together in marriage to become one flesh in a covenant together in marriage to relationship with God. God in- become one flesh in a covenant tended marriage to be a bless- relationship with God. ing to those in marriage as well as a way for married couples to glorify Him in their union. Since God created marriage and instructed man and woman on what roles they would play in this institution, we need to look at God’s Word to see what His intent or expressed desire is. When we follow Gods plan we accomplish the goal and reflect a perfect picture of what marriage means. In order to fulfill the meaning of marriage as God intended, the husband and wife must fulfill their roles as the Lord designed for them. Husbands are to love their wives as Christ loves His church and gave Himself up for her. Husbands, love your wives, as Christ loved the church and gave himself up for her, 26that he might sanctify her, having cleansed her by the washing of water with the Word, 27so that he might present the church to himself in splendor, without spot or wrinkle or any such thing, that she might be holy and without blemish. 28In the same way husbands should love their wives as their own bodies. He who loves his wife loves himself.” 25

Ephesians 5:25-33 ESV

Lasting Marriage - Discovering God’s Meaning and Purpose for Your Relationship

A Godly husband is to lead his wife in the way of righteousness and is to love her as he loves himself. As the husband does this and walks in love toward his bride, she feels nourished, cherished, and blessed by him. Just as the church is sanctified (to be set apart unto Himself and made holy) by Jesus Christ, husbands are to sanctify their wives with love and righteousness. The Husband’s desire must be to set his bride a part from all other women purifying her and turning her into a spotless bride. He does this by reading the Bible to her washing her with its words. As she hears these words, the Lord cleanses her and the Word penetrates deep into her to change her to be a holy, blameless, and spotless bride. Wives are to submit to their own husbands as unto the Lord and to be his helpmate. Wives, submit to your own husbands, as to the Lord. For the husband is the head of the wife even as Christ is the head of the church, his body, and is himself its Savior.”

22 23

Ephesians 5:22-23 ESV

A Godly wife is to follow her husband into the way of righteousness and is to submit to him as fitting in the Lord. As the wife walks in respect for her husband, she is building in him a sense of nourishment he cannot get anywhere else. God designed men with the desire to be respected and honored. When a wife honors and respects her husband, he is blessed and encouraged to continue in the way of righteousness. These different roles husbands and wives are to play in their marriage is designed to be a blessing, not a curse. The Apostle Paul explained how husbands and wives can build and strengthen their marriages. “However, let each one of you love his wife as himself, and let the wife see that she respects her husband.” Ephesians 5:33 ESV. As the husband fulfills his role to love his wife, he helps her to have a desire to return the 52

The Meaning of Marriage God’s Design from the Beginning

favor. Likewise, when the wife respects her husband, she helps him to have a desire to love her in return. Before we go any further into the topic of the submission, it may be wise to address the “elephant in the room” in regards to the husband being the head over the wife and her submitting to him. Some women may feel upset or even mad when they hear the husband is the head of the wife. You may even cringe when you hear someone say, as the apostle Paul does in Ephesians 5:24, “Now as the church submits to Christ, so also wives should submit in everything to their husbands.” Or you could also feel uncomfortable when Peter says in 1 Peter 3:7 “husbands, live with your wives in an understanding way, showing honor to the woman as the weaker vessel, since their heirs with you of the grace of life so that your prayers may not be hindered.” Ask yourself “Why is that?” Why do the terms submit and weakness fill you with anxiousness or animosity? Could it be that some past experience has caused you to have an issue with submission or someone having authority over you? Whatever the case may be, you have those feelings and you are more than likely justified for having those because that’s the way you feel. We will dive more heavily into these thoughts and much more in the coming chapters. If you and your spouse allow it, marriage can go in a negative direction. This happens when either spouse does not follow their God given roles in their marriage. When a husband is not respected by his wife, he feels rejected and even attacked. Those feelings build up a resentment in him that will lead his heart away from his wife and possibly to something or someone else. If you ask any man if they would rather be loved or respected, the vast majority of men would choose being respected over being loved. That is because God wired them that way. When a husband does not get respect from his wife, it is as if she is saying he is no good as a man and she does not need him. If a wife does not fulfill these desires of respect for her husbands, 53

Lasting Marriage - Discovering God’s Meaning and Purpose for Your Relationship

he may look to fulfill those desires outside of his marriage with another woman. When a wife does not receive love from her husband, The meaning of marriage is she feels unloved, unwanted, a man and woman uniting and undesirable. Wives want to be desired by their husbands. together in marriage to They desire their husbands to become one flesh in a covenant pursue them. They are built relationship with God. with an innate longing for their husbands to nourish, cherish, and love them. A husband who does these things for his wife fulfills her desires as a woman. God wired wives to desire love from their husbands as a way for them to be connected and united. When a wife does not receive love from her husband, she may look to fulfill those desires outside of her marriage with another man. Each marriage is different and each person is different and fulfilling these longings for love and respect in each other can be done in many different ways. Throughout this book, we will look at how each of us can fulfill our roles and bless our spouse by fulfilling the desires of love and respect in each other.

From the Beginning To help us understand all the Lord intended marriage to be, we need to go back to the beginning of all creation. In the book of Genesis, we see the account of creation and how the Lord created the earth and everything in it. During creation, He creates man and woman and breathes life into them. In Genesis 1:26 the Lord says “Let us create man in our image and likeness.” The reason the Word “our” is used relates to the reference of the Holy Trinity. The Holy Trinity is comprised of the three 54

The Meaning of Marriage God’s Design from the Beginning

persons: Father, Son, and the Holy Spirit. They are each individually three persons and yet they are one God. This one God decided to create man in His image and His likeness. The man God created would have the image and likeness of all three persons of God. After the creation of man and woman, Genesis 1:28-30 explains that the Lord gave Adam and Eve commands to follow. The first command was to be fruitful and multiply and fill the earth. The first task was to make babies. Their job was to procreate, be intimate with one another, and produce offspring that will help with the second task. The second task the Lord gave to Adam and Eve was to subdue the earth and have dominion over everything and all creation. To subdue and have dominion over it is to conquer the earth and bring it into subjection underneath them. God gave it to Adam and Eve, who were created in his image and likeness, to rule over all of creation. God then placed creation in a specific order of hierarchy placing man at the top of the hierarchy. The fish, animals, birds, plants and everything living (vs. 28-30) was put underneath the headship of Adam and Eve. Having been given dominion over all creation, they received the power and the right to govern and control everything and all creation and had sovereign authority over it all. God created man to rule over all creation. After all of creation was made by the Lord, God saw everything that He had made, and behold, it was very good (vs.31). Everything, from the earth, the plants, the animals, Adam and Eve, marriage, making babies, and subduing the earth, is deemed good by God. In Genesis 2 we see a more detailed account of the creation of Adam and Eve. In verse 15 God gave Adam a job which was to care for and maintain the Garden of Eden. As the caretaker of the Garden, God only gave Adam one specific command that he was NOT supposed to do. Adam was commanded not to eat

Lasting Marriage - Discovering God’s Meaning and Purpose for Your Relationship

of the fruit of the tree of the knowledge of good and evil (vs. 16-17). This was the only boundary that the Lord had for Adam.

The First Marriage The man gave names to all livestock and to the birds of the heavens and to every beast of the field. But for Adam there was not found a helper fit for him. 21So the LORD God caused a deep sleep to fall upon the man, and while he slept took one of his ribs and closed up its place with flesh. 22And the rib that the LORD God had taken from the man he made into a woman and brought her to the man. 23Then the man said, “This at last is bone of my bones and flesh of my flesh; she shall be called Woman, because she was taken out of Man.” 24Therefore a man shall leave his Father and his mother and hold fast to his wife, and they shall become one flesh. 25And the man and his wife were both naked and were not ashamed.” 20

Genesis 2:20-25 ESV Before God created Eve, God looked at all His creation and saw something that was not good. God saw that Adam was alone to do all the work the Lord had for him and that “it is not good that the man should be alone.” This was the one time in all creation that the Lord said something was not good and it was that man was alone. Even though this part of creation was not good, the Lord had an answer for it. He knew that Adam needed a helper that would be fit to help him with all the work that he was tasked to do from the Lord. To fix this problem, the Lord caused a deep sleep to fall upon Adam. This is how the Lord performed His work. (Genesis 2:21) We see something interesting here that must be pointed out. 56

The Meaning of Marriage God’s Design from the Beginning

There is another instance in the Bible where the Lord caused someone else to fall asleep before the Lord performs His work. In both instances we find man unconscious and God at work. In Genesis 15 God The reason why the Lord put makes a covenant with Himself regarding Abram (Abra- both Adam and Abram to sleep ham) and his descendants. was so that the Lord was the one The reason why the Lord doing all the work. His work had put both Adam and Abram nothing to do with the person He to sleep was so that the Lord was the one doing all the was doing the work for. work. His work had nothing to do with the person He was doing the work for. And he said to him, “I am the LORD who brought you out from Ur of the Chaldeans to give you this land to possess.” 8But he said, “O Lord GOD, how am I to know that I shall possess it?” 9He said to him, “Bring me a heifer three years old, a female goat three years old, a ram three years old, a turtledove, and a young pigeon.” 10 And he brought him all these, cut them in half, and laid each half over against the other. But he did not cut the birds in half. 11And when birds of prey came down on the carcasses, Abram drove them away. 7

As the sun was going down, a deep sleep fell on Abram. And behold, dreadful and great darkness fell upon him. 13Then the LORD said to Abram, “Know for certain that your offspring will be sojourners in a land that is not theirs and will be servants there, and they will be afflicted for four hundred years. 14But I will bring judgment on the nation that they serve, and afterward they shall come out with great possessions.

Lasting Marriage - Discovering God’s Meaning and Purpose for Your Relationship

As for you, you shall go to your Fathers in peace; you shall be buried in a good old age. 16And they shall come back here in the fourth generation, for the iniquity of the Amorites is not yet complete.” 15

When the sun had gone down and it was dark, behold, a smoking fire pot and a flaming torch passed between these pieces. 18On that day the LORD made a covenant with Abram, saying, “To your offspring I give this land, from the river of Egypt to the great river, the river Euphrates,”

Genesis 15:7-18

The Lord required of Abram, a heifer, female goat, a ram, a turtledove, and a pigeon for what the Lord was about to do for him. Abram provided all these animals and then cut each of these in half (except for the birds) and laid the halves over against the other. While Abram was asleep the Lord made a covenant with Himself regarding what He was going to do for Abram in the future for him and his offspring. What we see next shows us that the Lord made a covenant with Himself to do all that He said He was going to do. After the sun had gone down, and Abram was in a deep sleep, a smoking fire pot, and a flaming torch passed between the halved animals. The Lord was not making a promise that was dependent on Abram to keep his end of the covenant. This is the Lord making a covenant with Himself regarding Abram. When the Lord makes a covenant, He will never break it. Especially one that He makes with Himself. God made a covenant with Himself regarding Adam in the same manner he did Abraham. Adam was only the beneficiary of this covenant. After Adam was asleep, the Lord took one of Adam’s rib and made woman from it. Adam named her Eve and the Lord gave her to Adam to be his wife and helper. This is where we

The Meaning of Marriage God’s Design from the Beginning

see first had how God created the institution of Marriage: This is marriage as One man + one woman God intended from the very beginning. One man + one woman = one marriage. = one marriage. This is the first institution we come to in scripture. Remember that the Lord called everything created on the sixth day “very good” and he was pleased with all creation. All aspects of marriage were very good and sin had not yet entered into the world. Everything from their relationship, emotions, actions, communications, and sex was very good in the eyes of the Lord. Now, in marriage, the man shall leave his Father and mother and hold fast to his wife (vs.25). The word “shall” is an imperative command as a statement for future actions. This is a command that the Lord gave to all Adam’s descendants. The man will no longer be under the responsibility of his father and mother, but now will hold fast to his wife and be one in flesh with her. The man is now the head of this new household he created with his new bride. In the English Standard Version (ESV), “hold fast” makes it seem like it is the man holding to the woman and not letting go. It is much more than that. When it says the man will hold fast to his wife, the Hebrew word “dabaq” is used in the original text. This word has a lot of meaning we do not get from the English interpretation. In the Hebrew-Chaldee Lexicon, “dabaq” is to cleave, to adhere, specially firmly, as if with glue, or to be glued. The Hebrew meaning of the word “dabaq” has even more meaning than just holding fast. It is that the man and woman are brought together by God as if they were glued together and are joined together and are now one. The image of two people being glued together by God is reaffirmed by Jesus in Mark 10:9 where he says “What therefore God has joined together, let not man separate.” So we see that it is God that has now joined them together as if they are glued together and are now one in flesh. Now, the two beings have 59

Lasting Marriage - Discovering God’s Meaning and Purpose for Your Relationship

been brought together in marriage and are now one. I want you to keep the image of you and your spouse being glued together in your mind as you go through this book.

The Meaning of Marriage God’s Design from the Beginning

become one flesh in marriage, they become the complete image of God. To understand this concept, we need to look back at creation in the book of Genesis.

The Complete Image of God There is an old saying about love and relationships, “opposites attract”. The reason this saying exists is because it is true. God designed men and women differently and that difference attracts us to each other. Likewise, God designed everyone to have different personalities, traits, styles, and characteristics. Isn’t it interesting how different your spouse is from you? Think back to when you first met your spouse. Wasn’t it an exciting time for the both of you? Now think about what character traits that attracted you to your spouse. More than likely, your spouse had many opposite characteristics than you had. Your relationship with your spouse may not be that drastically different, but more than likely, there are differences between the two of you. A husband may be a go-getter, that is passionate about everything, and driven to conquer the world. His wife may be a go-with-the-flow, relaxed, and compassionate person who enjoys quality time with her friends and loved ones. Another couple could have personalities where the wife is a very outgoing social butterfly who loves to be the center of attention while talking with everyone she sees. The husband could be an introverted thinker who is deep and thoughtful and feels like a fish out of water at parties.

Biblically, when a man and a woman become one flesh in marriage, they become the complete image of God.

While God designed you to be an individual, you by yourself are only part of the whole. That whole is God’s original design to be completed in marriage. Biblically, when a man and a woman

Then God said, “Let us make man in our image, after our likeness. And let them have dominion over the fish of the sea and over the birds of the heavens and over the livestock and over all the earth and over every creeping thing that creeps on the earth.”

So God created man in his own image, in the image of God he created him; male and female he created them.”

Genesis 1:26-27 ESV

So God created man in His own image, in the image of God He created Him; male and female He created them. When God made man, the Bible shows us that God made one man (Adam) in His image and likeness. When the Bible uses the words “us” and “our” it is referring to all three persons in the Triune God. Not just the image and likeness of God the Father, but also of the Son and of the Holy Spirit. When the Bible says the “image and likeness” it’s not just talking about how Adam physically looked but also his characteristics, personality, traits, etc. After the creation of Adam, the Lord saw a problem because Adam was alone. All the animals God created had a mate but Adam did not and was alone. The Lord said that it was not good for man to be alone so the Lord created a helper for him. Now God could have created Eve in any way he wanted. He could have created Eve exactly the same way He created Adam (Genesis 2:7), from the dust of the earth and breathe life into her nostrils making her a living creature. But He didn’t. God created everything, from the ground that He created. He created every beast of the field, and every bird of the heav61

Lasting Marriage - Discovering God’s Meaning and Purpose for Your Relationship

ens from the ground. If God created Adam and everything else from the dust of the ground, one could suppose that God would have made Eve in the same fashion, from the ground. God did not create Eve the way He created the rest of creation. What God did was so intentional and deliberate that we cannot overlook it. God caused Adam to fall into a deep sleep and took one of Adams ribs and made Eve from that rib. Other translations have other words for “made”. Made can be translated into: formed, built, or fashioned. This shows intentional design from the Lord in His creation. The fact that He took from Adam’s body to create Eve shows us great insight into why we become one flesh in marriage. Since man is the image of God, and God took a part of that image out of man to create woman, the image of God is now separated into two beings. Adam is now half of the image of God and Eve has become the other half of the image of God. Since the one being was split in two, half of the characteristics, personality, and traits, are in Adam, and half are in Eve. Here is where we see the deliberate nature of God in marriage. Genesis 2:24 says the man and the woman shall become one flesh being joined together by God. God separated the image of God (Adam) when He created Eve, and now the image of God is brought back together when man and woman are married. Remember Jesus’s words in Mark 10:9 when he says that God joins man and woman together in marriage. So it is God who separated them and then joins them back together in marriage.

Lasting Marriage - Discovering God’s Meaning and Purpose for Your Relationship

This illustrates how marriage between a husband and wife completes the image of God that was separated from the creation of Eve. All those differences that you see between you and your spouse now become more special because your spouse completes you as the image of God. In your marriage, you may begin to see how God brought you and your spouse together to form the complete image of God. Marriage between a husband and wife is the complete and whole image of God. Hopefully this gives you a new appreciation for your spouse and the institution of marriage. No matter who it is that you married, you are now joined together as man and wife and that marriage is the complete image of God. It is a gift that God has blessed you with.

Growing Your Marriage

Growing Your Marriage Setting Your Priorities In Order A married person does not live in isolation. He or she has made a promise, a pledge, a vow, to another person. Until that vow is fulfilled and the promise is kept, the individual is in debt to his marriage partner. That is what he owes. “You owe it to yourself ” is not a valid excuse for breaking a marriage vow but a creed of selfishness.”

R.C. Sproul

Lasting Marriage - Discovering God’s Meaning and Purpose for Your Relationship

n the last section, we saw how Adam and Eve sinned against God and were punished by Him for their transgression. Both Adam and Eve sinned because they disobeyed the Lord and thought their plan or desires were better than God’s. Because they put their own desires over God’s, they sinned and brought punishment on themselves. This may not have happened if they kept their priorities in the proper order. A priority is something that takes precedence over another and has a greater importance for you. Everyone has different priorities because each person has their own life experiences that make them who they are. Yours will be different than mine and mine will be different than the next person. Your priorities may even be different then your spouses’. In your life, what is the most important thing for you right now? Take a moment to reflect on this thought. Here are a few ideas in case you hit a roadblock; job, career, spouse, children, parents, family, car, animals, house, business, church, hobbies, friends, finances, etc. It can be anything that comes to your mind.

Setting Your Priorities In Order

Now let’s create a new list next to the first one you created. This time we are going to place everything in its proper order. Number this new list with the same amount of spaces as your first list starting from the number one on down. If you have eight items in your first list, including the three we just added, make a list of eight lines and number them in ascending order from one to eight. Obviously, if you have more or less than eight items in your list, make your list equal to the amount of items in your first list. Let’s begin to fill in this list with the items in the proper order that will build and strengthen your marriage and relationship with God.

Now close your eyes and think of the most important things in your life. What is the first thing that comes to your mind? Once you have that thought, hold onto it and then think of the second most important thing in your life right now. Take five minutes right now and write down seven to ten of the most important things in your life. Write these on a piece of paper and do not worry about placing them in any particular order. Just make a list that we will be able to use in a bit. Now that you have your list of important things in your life, let’s look at a few items that should be on the list. Do you have your spouse as one of the items of priority on your list? What about your children? Are they on your list? What about God? Is He on your list? If any or all of these are not on your list, add them to your list right now. You’ll see in just a moment why these three must be on your list in order to have your priorities set in the right order so you will be blessed by God. 66

Setting Your Priorities In Order

1. Obedience to God Must Come First in Your Life The first item in your list of priorities must be your relationship with God. Individually, you must have your own relationship with God the Father through His Son Jesus Christ. We are all called to be imitators of Christ and to be more like His Son so that we can be with God the Father in heaven. Your spouse cannot get you into heaven, nor can you get your spouse into heaven. Jesus Christ is the only One that has beaten death and by having faith in Him, you can inherit eternal life. Putting God first means that everything about you is dedicated to God. Everything you do, say, think, and are, is done to glorify Him. This comes in the form of obedience to God the Father and His commands. For example, if Adam had obeyed God and not ate the fruit that was given to him by Eve, sin would not have entered into the world. It is idolatry to have anything before God in your life which is a sin. If you put your spouse first over God, your spouse becomes your idol. You can no longer be called a Christ-follower but one who follows someone else. So, what does this look like practically? Just like Adam did with his wife, if you listen to your spouseâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;s voice over Godâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;s then that is idolatry. Everything in your life rises and falls on your relationship to God. If your relationship with God falls apart, the rest of your life will fall apart as well. Your relationship with the Lord must be the most important priority in your life. You could even lose your soul if you die without the Lord being the first priority in your life. 2. Your Spouse Must Come Second In Your Life After God, the next most important thing in your life must be your spouse. You are to put your spouse above everything else in your life, even yourself. Husbands are called to love their brides as Christ loves His church and gave Himself up for her. Wives are called to respect and submit to their husbands as unto the Lord. Also, when you become married, you and your spouse became one flesh. The covenant you made with the Lord and your spouse is one that must not be broken and must be the second highest priority in your life. 68

Lasting Marriage - Discovering God’s Meaning and Purpose for Your Marriage

Let’s say for instance that you put your children above your spouse in order of importance. Many couples do this. Their marriage becomes “stale” and they don’t act in loving ways towards each other so they put all their affection towards their children. Little to no affection is directed toward their spouse and their relationship with their spouse is more of an obligation rather than a blessing. Once the children leave to pursue their own lives and families, this married couple is left with each other. There is no connection, relationship, friendship, or even intimacy between them. This lack of fundamental aspects of marriage leads both husband and wife to “feel” as though they no longer can stay married. The kids are no longer the common bond between them and the marriage becomes unstable. Now, with no kids in the picture, one or both of them decide to get a divorce because they do not want to be married any longer. Some couples put both their spouse and their children number two on their list of priorities and combine them together. This effectively does the same thing as putting your children above your spouse because your spouse is no longer your second priority. Your time and attention is diverted from your spouse to your children and you don’t give all that you need to into your marriage to make it successful. If your marriage falls apart, so will your children, your job, and your life. When done well, your children will be prepared for marriage by your good example of what a healthy marriage is. Your marriage to your spouse is the cornerstone of your children’s security and growth. Your spouse must be the second priority in your marriage behind God. If you place anything above your marriage as a priority, your marriage will fall apart. 3. Your Children Must Come Third In Your Life Your children must be your third priority in your life because they were given to you by God and are precious in His sight. Above having a fancy car, a beautiful home, wealth and riches, raising godly children is vastly more important than those. Your children are smarter and more perceptive than you think. If your career is more important to you than your children, they will know it. Children are a blessing from the Lord to married couples. One of the purposes for marriage is to create godly children who know and love the Lord. God gave Adam dominion over the earth and told him to fill the 70

Setting Your Priorities In Order

earth and subdue it. Adam was basically told to make babies and fill the earth. God was not concerned about population control, He was only concerned about his creation multiplying and learning how to glorify Him. Think of all of the businessmen who devoted their lives to their businesses but have horrible relationships with their children. Or the many pastors who put their work for God above their children because they feel as though their work for the Lord in ministry was more important than their family. In both of these cases, the children quickly understand that their father does not care for them as much as he cares about his work. The pastors and businessmen who devote themselves to their work over their children find after many years that they have lost their relationship with their children. Some even push their children away from God and hinder them from knowing Him because their own father did not show them what it’s like to love God and set their priorities in the proper order. When anything is put in the children’s place of priority in your life, your children will know it and may rebel. They will remember all the times you were not there for them because you were busy pursuing your personal desires. If you put any priority above your children, save your spouse and God, your children will know it and your relationship with your children will fall apart. 4. Self Must Come After the First Three Priorities Our personal self comes only after the first three priorities. When you put yourself over any of the other three, you become selfish and self-centered. As Satan believed that he could ascend to be like God, we can potentially fall into the same trap. Satan was thrown down from heaven by God because he believed he was equal to God and wanted to ascend to be like God. When you keep your priorities in the proper order, your life will be balanced and glorify God. You should put yourself over everything else in your life. If you do not take care of yourself, you will not be able to properly serve God, your spouse, or your children. 5. All Other Priorities Must Come After the First Four Priorities If you keep the first four priorities in this order and have everything else come after, your life will be blessed by the Lord. Your family, work, hobbies, church, friends, etc. can all be filled in as you see fit. 71

Lasting Marriage - Discovering God’s Meaning and Purpose for Your Relationship

The Fall - Sin, Punishment, and Separation

So when the woman saw that the tree was good for food, and that it was a delight to the eyes, and that the tree was to be desired to make one wise, she took of its fruit and ate, and she also gave some to her husband who was with her, and he ate. 7Then the eyes of both were opened, and they knew that they were naked. And they sewed fig leaves together and made themselves loincloths.”

The Fall - Sin, Punishment, and Separation Over against such misconceptions we strongly maintain that the taking of the fruit was not the fall into sin; that fall had occurred before this act; the taking of the fruit was an incidental bit of evidence of the fact that man had fallen. However, the Fall as such was nothing less in character than an entirely inexcusable piece of rebellion against a very gracious Father who not only had withheld nothing good from man but had even bestowed such an overwhelming wealth of good things that revolt against such a one must in the very nature of the case be a sin of the deepest hue, yes, even the one great sin in the history of the human race.”

Herbert Carl Leupold 72

Genesis 3:6-7 ESV When the institution of marriage was created, it was perfect and without problems. Before sin entered into the world, Adam and Eve lived in the Garden of Eden and were both naked and not ashamed. Adam walked with God in the Garden of Eden (Genesis 3:8) and Adam did as God commanded him. I can only imagine how truly and amazingly blessed Adam and Eve were to live with God and without sin. Since sin had not entered the world, Adam and Eve were able to be the image and likeness of God as He intended; holy and sinless. But in Genesis 3, we see how sin entered the world and entered into the marriage of Adam and Eve. What is sin? Sin is any want of conformity unto, or transgression of, the law of God.

What is sin? Sin is any want of conformity unto, or transgression of, the law of God.

In the case of Adam and Eve, they sinned by transgressing God’s law. They disobeyed His command not eat of the tree of the knowledge of good and evil. Genesis 2:16-17. “And the Lord God commanded the man, saying, “you may surely eat of every tree of the garden, but the tree of the knowledge of good and evil you shall not eat, for in the day you eat of it you shall surely die.” Adam and Eve were in the Garden of Eden at the end of Genesis 2 and 73

Lasting Marriage - Discovering God’s Meaning and Purpose for Your Relationship

they were both naked and were not ashamed. Immediately after hearing of this, we see how Adam and Eve fall from holiness and are cast out of the Garden of Eden because of their disobedience to the Lord (Genesis 3). The Bible’s account of the fall, explains how the serpent questioned Eve on God’s commandment for them. This planted a seed of doubt in Eve’s mind. Eve’s response shows a surprising amount of insight into how she was thinking. She does not speak the true words of God. Eve adds to and takes away from the very words of God. Her statements reveal how she understood the situation. Eve’s reply about what the Lord said, shows us that she is deceived and does not follow God’s commandments. What God originally commanded in Genesis 2:16-17 was “but the tree of the knowledge of good and evil you shall not eat...” Eve said to the serpent in Genesis 3:2-3 “We may eat of the fruit of the trees in the garden, 3but God said, ‘You shall not eat of the fruit of the tree that is in the midst of the garden, neither shall you touch it, lest you die.” Did you catch it? Eve added to God’s commandment imposing a regulation the Lord did not command. She added the regulation that you shall not even “touch” the tree. The Lord never commanded Adam and Eve to not touch the tree. The only thing the Lord said was do not eat of its fruit. It seems as though Adam and Eve could have reclined against the trunk of the tree, put a hammock up in the limbs, or even built a tree house to live in. The only commandment was to not eat of its fruit. What we see here is the first time a “religion” was created with man’s regulations and traditions not given by God. God created man to have a relationship with Him and to walk with Him all the days of his life. This was the original design for creation. It wasn’t until sin entered the world that the Lord had to separate himself from man. God created us to have a relationship with Him and 74

The Fall - Sin, Punishment, and Separation

to know Him. He did not want man to create religious rules of our own that would eventually keep us from Him. What Eve did here was put her own understanding in place of the actual commandments of God. This was the start of the fall. Obedience to God is not just doing what he commands but also not adding to God’s commands. Remember how Jesus rebuked the Pharisees for their hypocrisy and lawlessness? In Mark 7:6-13, Jesus rebukes the Pharisees because they “teach as doctrines the commandments of men.” Jesus rebukes them for rejecting the commandment of God in order to establish their own traditions. The Pharisees made void the Word of God by their traditions that they imposed on each other. This is the same thing that Eve did in the Garden of Eden when she told the serpent that she was forbidden to touch the tree. In verse 6 we see how Eve was actually deceived by the serpent, which is verified in 1 Timothy 2:14 saying that “Adam was not deceived but the woman was deceived and became a transgressor.” So Eve was deceived into becoming a transgressor and was the first one to transgress the law. Next we see in verse 6 that Adam, who was with her, took the fruit and ate of it. Now this is an interesting part of the story. Adam was literally with her when she was deceived and ate of the fruit and transgressed the law. From the text, we see how Eve gave the fruit to her husband after she ate of it and he chose to eat even though he was not deceived. Eve’s sin was the sin Eve’s sin was the sin of of disobedience. Adam’s sin was both disobedience and disobedience. Adam’s sin was both idolatry. What Adam did was disobedience and idolatry. choose his wife over God because he loved Eve more than he loved God. Imagine this scene as if it were in a movie. Adam knew that eating of the tree of the knowledge of good and evil was disobe75

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dience to God and that they would surely die if they did eat of it. Adam’s wife Eve just took a bite of something that would separate her from God and eventually kill her. He then made the decision to do the same thing as she did and eat of the fruit that she gave him. The Bible does not specify a reason why Adam made the decision to disobey God. All we know for sure is that he was literally with her when she was deceived by the serpent and ate the fruit herself. One can speculate that Adam may have thought that if she were to die then he didn’t want to live without her. It could be that he believed whatever punishment she was about to receive was something she should not experience alone. Whatever rationale he had for eating of the fruit we see that he chose to listen to Eve’s words of instruction over God’s. Romans 5:12-21 tells us how sin came into the world through one man; Adam. Sin did not come into the world through Eve but through Adam. When Eve sinned, sin did not enter the world but just entered into her. All of humanity would still be free of sin if Adam had not transgressed the law as well. It stands to reason that if Adam had not sinned, God would have been able to redeem Eve, even though she transgressed the law. If God was able to save all of humanity through His Son Jesus Christ from all the countless sins of the world, then He is able to create a just and lawful way to redeem Eve. Adam and Eve are our first parents and they fell because they ate of the forbidden fruit which was disobedience to God. Because of Adam’s transgression, sin entered into his flesh and thus everything produced from his flesh is now sinful. All of his children, children’s children, and so forth have sin in their flesh just as Adam did. Once sin had overtaken Adam and Eve, their eyes were opened to good and evil. They hid from God because they knew they were naked and had sinned against Him. As God began to question Adam, Adam turns to blame both God and Eve while taking none of the responsibility on himself. Adam told the

The Fall - Sin, Punishment, and Separation

Lord “the woman whom you gave to be with me, she gave me fruit of the tree and I ate.” Genesis 3:12 ESV For their transgression, Adam and Eve received two different sets of punishments for the fall. One set of punishments for Adam, and one set for Eve. One set of punishments for men, and another set of punishment for women. It is interesting to note that the punishments for Eve really only apply to her and all future women but the punishment for Adam would not only affect him but Eve and their offspring as well. Eve’s sin brought punishment on herself for transgression and Adam’s sin brought punishment to the rest of the world.

The First Sacrifice Immediately after sin came into the world, God’s plan of redemption through Jesus Christ was put into motion. God knew that He wanted to redeem his creation from the sin they committed from the very beginning. We see this in Genesis 3:21 where it says “and the Lord God made for Adam and for his wife garments of skin and clothed them.” The only way to make garments of skin is to take it from a living animal. The garments of skin would be something like leather which is the skin of a cow, or the skins from some another animal that God had to sacrifice in order to cover up their nakedness and sin. Since before sin entered the world, Adam and Eve walked naked in the garden and were not ashamed (Genesis 2:25). It stands to reason that the Lord showed Adam what was required for the transgression of the Law. The repercussion of Adam’s sin was the sacrificing of an animal that Adam had charge over. God instructed Adam that the sacrifice of an animal was required for the covering of sin, much like a Father would instruct his son. The most effective way for a child to learn from their transgression is to explain and instruct a child of their transgression as well as the repercussions. It seems as though 77

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this is how the Lord would have acted with Adam. The Lord would have shown Adam how to properly sacrifice this animal as a covering for the sin they committed. We do not actually see this in the text but immediately after the Lord drove Adam and Eve from the Garden of Eden, the Bible tells the story of Cain and Abel. In the course of time Cain brought to the LORD an offering of the fruit of the ground, 4and Abel also brought of the firstborn of his flock and of their fat portions. And the LORD had regard for Abel and his offering, 5but for Cain and his offering he had no regard.” 3

Genesis 4:3-5 ESV Genesis 4 explains how Cain and Abel both brought offerings to the Lord. Abel was a keeper of the sheep and Cain worked the ground. Each of them brought an offering to the Lord from the work that they did. Cain brought to the Lord an offering of the fruit of the ground, and Abel also brought an offering of the firstborn of his flock and of their fat portions. The Word of God says that Able brought the animal and the fat portions as an offering to the Lord and the Lord accepted his offering. In the book of (Leviticus 3:6-11) we find the instructions for the sacrifice of and animal and the fat. What we see from God is that the Lord was pleased with Abel’s offering of the sacrificed animal. Cain’s offering of the fruit of the ground did not please the Lord. Abel was obedient to God because his offering was done in the proper manner that the Lord required. Cain’s offering was disobedient to God because his offering was not done in the proper manner that the Lord required. With the fall of Adam and Eve, the Lord put in place his plan of redemption through the sacrifice of His Son Jesus Christ. As we see how the sacrifice that covered Adam and 78

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Eve was the sacrifice of an animal, the sacrifice of Jesus Christ would be the final sacrifice once and for all who believe in Him and are a part of His church.

Death in Adam, Life in Christ Our first father (Adam) brought death into the world because of his transgression against the Lord. Every generation thereafter will experience pain, suffering, and death as it is passed down over and over again. As God told Adam, he would surely die if he ate of the fruit of the tree that is in the midst of the garden. Now death is passed to you and me because of the transgression of Adam. We are all destined to die at some point in life because of Adam’s transgression. Another major consequence of Adam’s transgression was the curse of the sin nature being passed to all future humans through his seed in procreation. The Lord cannot be in the presence of sin, so He separated Himself from us and we are separated from Him for eternity. The apostle Paul shows us in Romans 3:23 “For all have sinned and fallen short of the glory of God.” Fallen short means that we fall short of His glory and are now eternally separated from God because of the sins we commit. Because of our sin, we are opposed to God and only focus on ourselves. Focusing only on ourselves brings destructive behaviors like drunkenness, sexual immorality, pride, greed, lying, stealing, and many other sins. Left to ourselves, we have no ability to get back into an eternal relationship with God. The path that we are on without God is death and the final destination is hell. Hell is a real place with torment, pain, and anguish with a fire that never ceases. Because we have fallen short of the glory of God, we are far away from Him and cannot get back to Him in our own power. Each sin that we commit against God is a transgression that has a penalty, and the penalty needs to be paid. 79

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Much like when you receive a speeding ticket while driving over the speed limit. You transgressed man’s law and will be brought before a Judge. The Judge will then pass judgment on you, and sentence you to a punishment for your crime. If the Judge that you are standing before is a just Judge, he will not let you go free from your crime just because you said you were sorry. The penalty still needs to be paid because a transgression has the repercussion of punishment. Now imagine you had someone that was on your side that would take your punishment for you. Your punishment would be paid but not by you. It would be paid by someone else more righteous than you. The judgment and sentence is still passed but it’s paid for by someone else. In the same exact way, a just Judge would not let you out of a speeding ticket without the penalty being paid. God, being a just God, would not let you out of the punishment for your sins without the penalty being paid. Just as sin came into the world through one man, and death through sin, and so death spread to all men because all sinned.” Romans 5:12 ESV We see in verse 17 “because of one man’s trespass, death reigned through that one man”. Adam’s transgression brought death, and death reigns in all men because of him. We are eternally separated from God because of Adam’s trespass which led to condemnation for all men. But, there is good news for everyone, as Paul said “for if many died through one man’s trespass, much more have the grace of God in the free gift by the grace of that one man Jesus Christ abounded for many.” God is perfect and just. The Word tells us that God is love. He is both our Father and our Judge. Because of His abounding love for us He created a perfect plan for our salvation and saves us from eternal torment in hell. His Son, Jesus Christ has paid 80

The Fall - Sin, Punishment, and Separation

our punishment for us and we are now free from condemnation because of His sacrifice. Our debt is now paid in full and there is no condemnation for those who are in Christ Jesus (Romans 8:1). The penalty for sin is death and Jesus laid down His life to pay the penalty for The penalty for sin is death and our sins when He died on Jesus laid down His life to pay the the cross. Willingly, He lay penalty for our sins when He died down His life as payment for on the cross. our sins to get us back into a relationship with the Father. Our sin was put on Jesus and it is only by His shed blood on the cross that we receive the forgiveness that we may be considered holy in God’s sight. Three days after Jesus died on the cross He was raised from the dead by the power of God and defeated death, hell, and the grave. Just like one man brought death and sin into the world, one man brings life and salvation to those who repent and believe. The Bible says that if you confess with your mouth that Jesus is Lord, and believe in your heart that God raised him from the dead, you will be saved. (Romans 10:9) So even though we have bad news that we have been separated from God, we have great news that Jesus Christ has paid our penalty and we now have right standing with God. Joel 2:32 says “Everyone who calls on the name of the Lord will be saved.” That includes you, me, your spouse, and everyone. If you are just learning about Jesus and would like to know more, pick up a Bible and read it every day. By doing this you will learn more about the grace of God and His love for the whole world. You will not be conformed to this world but will be transformed by the renewal of your mind. (Romans 12:2) Now go to www.lastingministry.com/goodnews and learn more about how the Lord will change you from the inside out and make you one of His children. 81

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Punishment for Eve

in brings both pain and sorrow. The punishments that God places on Adam and Eve will cause great sorrow and pain for all generations to come. Because Eve transgressed God’s law, all women experience the same punishment Eve received. Eve’s sin caused her to suffer in the three most important areas of her life that she was created for.

1. Childbearing “I will surely multiply your pain in childbearing” 2. Helpmate “Your desire shall be for your husband, and he shall rule over you.”

Punishment for Eve The Fall took place then when she stopped loving the Lord her God with all her heart, soul, mind and strength and loving Him means believing Him and trusting Him. She believed Satan was telling her the truth and maybe God wasn’t. And that Satan was offering her the true fulfillment, the true satisfaction that God was holding back from her.” John MacArthur

Childbearing & Childrearing The first punishment for the woman is specific and broad at the same time. It has the specific pain in childbearing and actually giving birth to a child. It is also broad because it has the idea that women would experience pain and sorrow in childrearing in general. This punishment is not just for the physical act of giving birth but is included in the sorrow and pain she will feel as she raises her child in this world of sin and evil. We can’t speculate how God designed childbearing before the fall, but because of Eve’s sin, the pain in childbearing was multiplied for all women. To understand what type of pain was actually increased, you need to look at the original words used in the Hebrew language for pain. There are two words that are used for pain in Genesis 3:16: ìtstabown and ètseb. Both of these words have a very similar definition. After Eve sinned God said to her “I will surely multiply your pain (Hebrew -ìtstsabown) in childbearing; in pain (Hebrew - ètseb) you shall bring forth children.” • ìtstabown: 1. pain, labor, hardship, sorrow, toil. • ètseb: 1. pain, hurt, toil sorrow, labor, hardship. 2. vessel, creation, object.

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From both of these two words we see that childbearing will have an increase in physical pain. Think of all the pain that women all go through when they give birth to a child. The physical pain in childbearing is because of how the woman’s body is designed. In childbirth, the woman’s body must go through tremendous stress and hardship. The stretching of ligaments and joints to allow a large baby to pass through a canal that is a fraction of the size of the baby increases pain tremendously. Physiological and emotional changes also take place in a woman that causes her even more hardship. Woman can die from giving birth by hemorrhaging, eclampsia, and other complications in the pregnancy or delivery of the child. Before sin entered the world, all of creation was perfect and without pain or sorrow. In Revelation 21:4 we get a glimpse of what life was like before the fall, and what life will be like after Jesus returns. “He will wipe away every tear from their eyes, and death shall be no more, neither shall there be mourning, nor crying, nor pain anymore, for the former things have passed away.” There was no pain, or sorrow, or mourning before the fall. Because of Eve’s sin, pain and sorrow entered into the process of childbearing and bringing forth children into the world.

Relationship with Her Husband This last punishment for Eve comes with many different facets that will affect Eve’s relationship with Adam. God created Eve because he saw that Adam needed a helpmate. She was given to him in order to help him do all the work that God instructed Adam to do. On the sixth day of creation God created mankind. “Male and female He crated them” in His image. God chose to do this by creating Adam First, out of the dust of the ground. Then God created Eve out of his side to be his helpmate. Man was formed first and was given responsibility over Eve who

Punishment for Eve

was created after him to be his helper. God gave Adam specific jobs to do and then created Eve from Adams flesh to be his helper. Just because Eve was called Adams helper does not make her inferior. Actually, the right way to look at this would be that Eve was created out of Adam’s inadequacy instead of her inferiority. Eve was created to fill a void left by Adam that he could not fill himself.

Just because Eve was called Adams helper does not make her inferior. Actually, the right way to look at this would be that Eve was created out of Adam’s inadequacy instead of her inferiority.

As stated before, the Holy Trinity is a term for the three persons of God; the Father, the Son, and the Holy Spirit. Each person is distinct from the other with different roles to play and are also one triune God. Jesus Christ, in John 14:26, refers to the Holy Spirit as the Helper whom the Father will send in His name to teach us all things. Just because the Holy Spirit’s name is Helper does not mean that the Holy Spirit is subordinate to Jesus or the Father. They are all one in the same God. Likewise, before the fall, Adam and Eve were equal with different roles to play. What the Bible does tell us is that they both walked in the Garden of Eden with God doing what He gave them charge to do. It wasn’t until after the fall that Man was placed over Woman. The second part of Eve’s punishment was that she was to be in subjection to her husband. Her desire will be for him and he will rule over her. Genesis 3:16b “your desire (Hebrew – tĕshuwqah) shall be for (or against) your husband, and he shall rule (Hebrew – mashal) over you.” In order to understand all that this punishment entails, we need to understand the word “desire” and from the original Hebrew. Also, the word “for” can also

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tĕshuwqah – definition: desire, longing, craving A. of a man for a woman B. of a woman for a man C. a beast to devour its prey The word desire has the meaning of a longing for, or a craving for something outside of itself. So the woman would desire her husband in many different ways. The first way a woman would desire her husband is a longing for affection and love from him. She will have an innate craving for her husband’s love from him that only he can give her. She will seek it from her husband and the craving will only be satisfied when she gets it from her husband. This part of the punishment can have other negative repercussions to women as well. With Adam and Eve, they were the only two humans alive so Eve would not have the ability to stray to the arms of another man. Today, there are many avenues for women to get that craving fulfilled outside of their marriage. Even if a woman is not married, she still has the innate desire and craving to receive that love from a male. This is possibly why women in abusive relationships don’t always flee from the man that is abusing them. They possibly perceive he is giving them love by his abusive actions. But like all who believe, Christ-followers have the Holy Spirit inside of us that will help us to flee temptation and resist the devil. There is no sin that God has not given us a way out of. No temptation has overtaken you except what is common to mankind. And God is faithful; he will not let you be tempted beyond what you can bear. But when you are tempted, he will also provide a way out so that you can endure it.” 1 Corinthians 10:13 ESV 86

Punishment for Eve

Eve’s punishment creates a longing that if not monitored and brought under the obedience of God can lead a woman to be tempted in an inappropriate relationship, however, if a woman is walking in the Spirit, the Holy Spirit will convict her and bring her to repentance and right standing with God. The second way a woman will desire her husband is for her to actively try to exert her will over her husband. She will desire to control and take charge over their relationship. The Scripture says that “her desire will be for her husband” The English Standard Version of the Bible states that the word “for” can also be read as “against” which would read like this: “her desire will be against her husband.” She will have a longing for him in a loving way but also a longing against him in a hostile way. When a wife acts outside of her natural design, she will have feelings of resentment “When a wife acts outside of her towards her husband. She natural design, she will have will desire to lead but will feelings of resentment towards resent him because she believes he is not leading as he her husband. She will desire to should. The woman is man’s lead but will resent him because helpmate which is good, but she believes he is not leading as he because of the fall now man should.” is over his helpmate as the head, which now makes her feel resentment toward him. If her desire is to control him, and he is over her, resentment is bound to arise. It is somewhat of a dichotomy since men normally want to be passive and not take charge in a relationship. The women, on the other hand, will have the desire to exert her will over her husband to take charge in a relationship and control her husband. Even though she has the desire to control her husband, God put the husband over her as her punishment for her sin. 87

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A third way the fall affected the woman’s relationship with her husband is the differential submissiveness that she will have towards her husband. Her will shall be yielded to her husband because he is placed as head over her in the role of marriage. In the American culture, the word submission is a very bad word when it comes to marriage and women. The world teaches that submission is when a woman is a “doormat” for her husband and gets walked on every day. Submission can also be used negatively by saying that the wife has no voice in the marriage or that it equates to bondage where the wife becomes a slave to her husband. All of these definitions of submission are completely un-biblical and are dangerous for marriages. Husbands are called to love their wives as Christ loves His church and you cannot do that if the husband believes he is the master over his slave wife. Men and women are equal in the Lord and each has different roles to play. When either the husband or wife has the desire to take the role of their spouse, they are going against the Lord’s design for marriage. When a woman is told not to be submissive to her husband, she is listening to the world rather than listen to God. The word submission has been hijacked by the world to make believers feel God’s way in marriage is wrong. The understanding of the word submission needs to be brought In marriage, the word submission into the light of the gospel. In marriage, the word subis used biblically when both mission is used biblically the husband and wife are in when both the husband and wife are in submission to the submission to the one that is in one that is in authority over authority over them. them. Christ loved, served, protected, and gave Himself up for His bride (the church) because He is head over her. The church is called to be in submission to the Lord and the church is to be submissive to Christ. 88

Punishment for Eve

Likewise, wives are called to be in submission to their husband as unto the Lord. Wives, submit to your husbands as fitting the Lord. Husbands, love your wives, and do not be harsh with them.” Colossians 3:18-19 ESV It is possible that the word submission has you concerned about how the Bible interprets submission. We will tackle this fully in a future chapter by looking at Peters description of biblical submission in marriage. Rest assured, submission is a blessing from the Lord. Women are not the only ones who are to be in submission. Both husbands and wives are to walk in submission. Husbands are to be in submission to God and wives are to walk in submission to their husbands. Both spouses must realize it is a blessing and an honor to walk in obedience to Gods Word. Husbands should count it a blessing the Lord is over them likewise wives should count it a blessing their husband is over them. The last way the fall affected the woman’s desire for her husband is seen as a beast would devour its prey. The word desire is the same word used in Genesis 4:7 when the Lord tells Cain “if you do well, will you not be accepted? And if you do not do well, sin is crouching at the door. Its desire is for you but you must rule over it.” In the same way sin’s desire was to control Cane, the woman’s desire will be both for and against her husband. The Lord is telling Cain that even though sin’s desire is to overtake him, he must rule over it and not let it rule over him. James 4:7 explains how Christ followers are to resist sin and temptation: “Submit yourselves therefore to God. Resist the devil, and he will flee from you.” Since the word “desire” is used for Eve and Cain, the woman’s desire for man will be just like sin’s desire for Cain and all 89

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Punishment for Adam

that it entails. Much like God tells Cain that he must rule over sin so that it does not overtake him, man is to rule over woman so she does not overtake him. This is the authority structure that the Lord set up because of the punishment of the fall for the woman. Even though the man is to rule over his wife, the man is to treat his wife as Christ treats his bride, the church, and gave himself up for her. The apostle Paul said it well in his letter to the Ephesians. Wives, submit to your own husbands, as to the Lord. For the husband is the head of the wife even as Christ is the head of the church, His body, and is Himself its Savior. Now as the church submits to Christ, so also wives should submit in everything to their husbands.

Husbands, love your wives, as Christ loved the church and gave himself up for her, that he might sanctify her, having cleansed her by the washing of water with the Word, so that he might present the church to himself in splendor, without spot or wrinkle or any such thing, that she might be holy and without blemish.” Ephesians 5:22-26 ESV

Punishment for Adam Central to Adam’s calling as a husband was the call to cultivate and guard his wife so that she would flourish, so that their sacred union would thrive. God called Adam to date his wife.” John Piper

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he punishment for Adam is much more severe than the punishment for Eve. The punishments for Adam and Eve were not equal because of their gender and the roles that they played. Being the head of the marriage, Adam’s sin was more severe and the Lord holds him accountable for the sin that occurred in the marriage. Just like marriage today, the Lord holds the husband accountable for how the marriage functions. (We’ll discuss more of this in the chapter on Husbands to Their Brides and talk about the roles of husbands and wives) Through Adam, sin entered into the world and now sin has its hold on it. Eve brought the punishment of her sin only on herself. Adam’s sin had repercussions that would affect the entire world and all humanity. Adams seed was infected by his sin. All life starts with a seed. We see it throughout nature. To grow an apple tree, an Appleseed must be planted in the ground. Once the seed is planted, the Lord makes it grow. Living creatures also start from a seed. From humans to bears to mice, the seed from the male is planted into the woman and the Lord makes it grow. Adam’s punishment affected the rest of humanity because sin entered into his body which then affected his seed. Adam was the Father of all humans. Once his seed was infected with sin, every subsequent generation would be infected with sin. As a result of his sin God cursed the ground. This was a personal punishment which passed to all men for generations after him. God’s punishment to Adam begins with “because you listen to the voice of your wife...” Adam has one authority that he is responsible to. God is his ultimate authority and Adam is only accountable to Him and no one else. Adam is not accountable to his wife or any other created being but solely God. Adam listen to his wife over what God had commanded him (Genesis 2:1617) and the punishment was passed from him to his seed. Now all creation suffers.

Punishment for Adam

When God instructed Adam, not to eat of the tree in the midst of the garden, Adam should have obeyed His command. Instead, he listened to the voice of his wife and disobeyed and entered into sin. When Eve gave Adam the fruit, she gave him the option to disobey God’s command. Eve was created to be Adam’s helpmate to help him Even though the temptation fulfil the Lords work. In this case, she was not helping him to sin came from Eve, Adam is to follow God, rather to dis- responsible for his own actions. obey Him. Even though the He was the one who sinned by temptation to sin came from listening to Eve above God’s voice. Eve, Adam is responsible for his own actions. He was the one who sinned by listening to Eve above God’s voice. And to Adam he said, “Because you have listened to the voice of your wife and have eaten of the tree of which I commanded you,”’

Genesis 3:17 ESV Adam sinned in two ways, listening to Eve’s voice over God’s and eating of the fruit of the tree. Listening to Eve’s voice over God is a form of idolatry perpetuated from Adam. The interesting part we must remember is that Adam had a different relationship with God then we do. Unlike you or me Adam could see God physically, have an audible conversation with him, and walk with him in the garden. Adam physically walked with God. God only gave Adam one thing that he was not to do and that was not to eat the fruit of the tree in the midst of the garden. Even the work that Adam and Eve were to do, tending to the garden, was not a command but a duty for them to fulfill. God specifically told Adam to his face what he was forbidden to

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Punishment for Adam

do. Once Adam disobeyed the Lord’s command, the world was punished with the effects of Adam’s sin.

have been to grow anything if the Lord watered the entire Earth from the ground and caused plants to grow from His own power without any work from Adam?

The Ground is Now Cursed

The food in the Garden of Eden was produced by God and He made every tree that was pleasant to see and was good for food to spring up. (Genesis 2:9) Then God tells Adam “You may surely eat of every tree of the garden except for the tree of the knowledge of good and evil.” Since the Lord planted, watered, and grew everything in the Garden of Eden, both Adam and Eve did not have to work for their food. They were blessed by God to eat from the Garden of which He sustained for their needs.

’You shall not eat of it,’ cursed is the ground because of you; in pain you shall eat of it all the days of your life; 18thorns and thistles it shall bring forth for you; and you shall eat the plants of the field. 19By the sweat of your face you shall eat bread,” 17b

Genesis 3:17b-19 ESV The first way God punished Adam was by the making the ground cursed. The Garden of Eden was set up where everything grew because God made it grow (Genesis 2:9). It seems as though growing things in the garden would have been much more simple and easy because a curse from the Creator is a curse that would fully change everything in all creation. Before Adam broke the Lord’s commandment (Genesis 2:16), there was no sin, no pain, no toil, and no trouble in all of the Lord’s creation. All Adam had to do was to work in the garden and keep it by tending to its needs. Adam and Eve did not have to toil for the food they were to eat and they did not have to worry about thorns or thistles as their food grew. The Lord brought about thorns and thistles after Adam sinned (Genesis 3:18). Adam did not have to concern himself about anything other than tending to the garden because the Lord made it perfect. Genesis 2:5-6 shows how Adam did not even have to worry about whether it would rain or not to help the plants to grow in the garden. Rain was non-existent before the fall. The Lord watered the ground from a mist that went up from the land and it watered the whole face of the ground. How simple would it 94

Now that the ground is cursed because of Adam’s sin, the Lord made the ground painful for Adam to live all the days of his life. Pain was now brought into the world and the Lord says, in pain, Adam will eat of the ground. Also since thorns and thistles will now be growing from the ground, it will make it hard for him to produce crops. Adam and Eve ate the food that came from the Garden but now they are to eat of the plants of the field (Genesis 3:18). Before, the Lord did all the work, now Adam must do all the work to feed his family. The connection between Adam and man is seen in the wordplay between Adam and the ground. In Hebrew, the word for man is “adam”. The Hebrew word for ground is “adamah”. This shows a very close connection between Adam and the ground. Man’s natural relationship with the ground started when God created him. The Lord created Adam from the dust of the ground and breathed into his nostrils the breath of life and made man a living creature (Genesis 2:7). The ground was in subjection to Adam by the Lord’s design. The Lord gave to Adam the entire Earth for him to subdue, have authority over, and fill with offspring. The ground would submit to him and Adam would rule over it.

Lasting Marriage - Discovering God’s Meaning and Purpose for Your Relationship

After the fall, instead of submitting to Adam, the ground will now resist him and all that he tried to do to it. Adam had to work the ground as it defied him in everything he did to plant and grow food for his family. Adam was then thrown out of the Garden of Eden into a world of sin that he himself caused to become sinful. He was forced to work the ground for food and the labor became extremely hard to produce a crop. Along with the ground being cursed, all of humanity is now cursed because of Adam’s sin.

Death Enters By the sweat of your face you shall eat bread, till you return to the ground, for out of it you were taken; for you are dust, and to dust you shall return.” Genesis 3:19 ESV From the beginning of time, man was created to live with God and walk with Him always. Because of the fall, everything changed. Before the fall there was no pain or death in all creation. God made creation perfect and a place where he could dwell on the earth without sin. Once sin was brought into the world through Adam, God’s perfect creation was tainted. That sin now brings with it toil, pain, and death. All humans are now condemned to die at some point in their life as Hebrews 9:27-28 tells us “just as people are destined to die once, and after that to face judgment” No matter what we try to do on our own to stop ourselves from dying, it will eventually happen. There are many people in this world, who do not believe in the Lord, that are trying to find a way to live forever. In reality, there is only one way to live forever and that is by the grace of God for our salvation. When the Lord told Adam that he would surely die if he ate of the tree of the knowledge of good 96

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and evil, He was telling the truth. Adam had never known pain, toil, or death before sin came into the world. God did not promise that the fruit would be poisoned God did not promise that the fruit and Adam would immediately die, but God did promise would be poisoned and Adam that he would surely die. Since would immediately die, but God there was no death in the Gar- did promise that he would surely den of Eden, death was a foreign idea to all of creation. As die. soon as Adam bit into the fruit, a countdown timer started on his life and it would eventually end in death. Adam and all generations after him will now surely die as a result of his punishment from the fall. (Genesis 3:19) All creation is now condemned to die because sin entered the world through Adam. At death, Adam would now return to the ground. He was created from dust and would return to dust. The connection of Adam and the ground is now brought full circle. Now that there is death Adam would be turned back into the dust of the earth. The ground would eventually swallow him after his death and he would return to the ground. Death is necessary for rebirth. Much like a seed needs to die in order to grow into a plant, humans must die and be reborn into life with the Father through Jesus’ redemptive work on the cross. Without death, sin can never be taken away from humanity. If humans would live forever without death, we would live forever with the bondage of sin.

Lasting Marriage - Discovering God’s Meaning and Purpose for Your Relationship

Every Generation After Is Born Into Sin Therefore, just as sin came into the world through one man, and death through sin, and so death spread to all men because all sinned” Romans 5:12 ESV As we talked about earlier, all life starts as a seed. The seed is the most important part of the reproduction process. Without the seed, there is no reproduction. Human beings are created from the seed of the man. Life started with the creation of Adam and from him all generations were born into existence. In Romans 5:14 the Apostle Paul says “Yet death reigned from Adam to Moses, even over those whose sinning was not like the transgression of Adam, who was a type of the one who was to come.” From Noah, to Abraham, to Moses, to Daniel, to David, to John the Baptist, you, me, our spouses, and everyone is born into sin because of Adam (Romans 5:19). Through Adam, sin entered into the world and now sin has its hold on us. Since the seed comes from man in the form of his sperm, Adam’s sin was brought upon his flesh. From his sinful flesh, his seed that he produced is full of sin. The sinful flesh is forever passed down to the next generation and every generation thereafter. Every future generation will be sinful and suffer God’s punishment because of Adam’s disobedience to the Lord. It is because of Adam, the first man that all human beings are now born into a sinful world with sinful flesh. There is nothing you or I can do to fight it. Once we are conceived in our mother’s womb, we are a human being, full of sin and separated from the Lord. The only person not stained by the sin passed down from Adam is Jesus. Genesis 3:15 shows how the seed of the woman would bruise the serpent’s head and the serpent would bruise 98

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his heal. Satan bruised Jesus’ heal when he tempted Jesus after His being in the desert for forty days and forty nights. Jesus bruised the serpent’s head with His death, burial, and resurrection and provided atonement to all who would believe in Him. We see how Jesus was not born from the seed (offspring) of man but was born of the seed of the woman. Adam and Eve had offspring and the seed came from sinful Adam. Jesus was not born from Adam but from the Holy Spirit. Jesus is the seed (offspring) of the woman, not the man. The Bible says that Mary was with child and she conceived through Holy Spirit (Matthew 1:18-20). Jesus is, and always was, in direct communion with the Father. From the beginning of time to His death on the cross, Jesus was connected to the Father without ever being separated. Adam’s sin made all humans completely separated from the Lord.

Separation from the Lord Then the Lord God said, “Behold, the man has become like one of us in knowing good and evil. Now, lest he reach out his hand and take also of the tree of life and eat, and live forever” 23therefore the Lord God sent him out from the garden of Eden to work the ground from which he was taken. 24He drove out the man, and at the east of the Garden of Eden he placed the cherubim and a flaming sword that turned every way to guard the way to the tree of life.”

Genesis 3:22-24 ESV The worst punishment for Adam was the last one handed down by the Lord. The other three punishments pale in comparison to being eternally separated from the Lord and banished from the Lord’s garden. Man’s natural relationship with 99

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the Lord was a complete connection with Him. The connection we lost was daily walking with God in the garden, talking with Him face to face, and being in complete union with the Him. The separation was the most painful part for Adam. Their relationship was that of a Father and son. His entire life, he was in communion with the Father much like how a good natural Father would be connected with his children from birth. Adam was created and raised by the Father who taught him just as a good Father would. Jesus explains that earthly Fathers, being evil, still know how to give good gifts. Our heavenly Father, who is good, will give us even better gifts, like the Holy Spirit, because the Father knows how to give us good gifts that will benefit us (Luke 11:13).

Jesus says there is only one who is good, our Father in heaven (Matthew 19:17). Being cast out of the Garden of Eden takes away the Father’s provision, protection, companionship, and Fatherly love.

It would have been devastating and a horrible thing to bear for Adam to be separated from all he knew. Adam was surrounded by everything good and quickly became surrounded by everything that was not good. Jesus says there is only one who is good, our Father in heaven (Matthew 19:17). Being cast out of the Garden of Eden takes away the Father’s provision, protection, companionship, and Fatherly love.

Similarly, Jesus was connected to the Father from the beginning and was never separated from Him. Even being born as the Son of Man, he was still in direct communion and connection with the Father. Sin never entered into Jesus so he was never separated from the Father. It was not until Jesus took the sins of the world onto Himself when he was crucified for the sins of many. 100

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He committed no sin, neither was deceit found in his mouth. 23When he was reviled, he did not revile in return; when he suffered, he did not threaten, but continued entrusting himself to him who judges justly. 24 He himself bore our sins in his body on the tree, that we might die to sin and live to righteousness. By his wounds you have been healed.” 22

1 Peter 2:22-24 ESV Jesus’ separation from the Lord happened when He bore all the sins of the world onto Himself. You can see the exact point when this happened. Mark documents Jesus’ words at the ninth hour when Jesus said, “Eloi, Eloi, lema sabachthani?” This means “My God, my God, why have you forsaken me?” Some critics of the Bible say this was a moment of weakness for Jesus, and a point where He loses His faith in the Father. This is the farthest thing from the truth. Jesus was quoting Psalms 22, a Psalm of Kind David when he was feeling the weight of unanswered prayers from the Lord. Jesus was also quoting King David because Jesus actually was separated from the Lord at this exact moment. Just like how God could not be in contact with Adam and Eve and banished them from the Garden of Eden, Jesus was separated from the Lord when the sin of the world was placed on Him. He died for the sins of the world and his sin separated Him from the Lord. For Adam, and for the rest of us, there was a very good reason for the separation from the Garden of Eden. The separation from the Lord kept Adam and Eve from the Tree of Life (Genesis 3:22-23). Sin entered into humanity and death also entered with it. The Lord put his redemptive work into motion once sin entered into humanity. Humans needed a way to be reconnected to the Father and death was the means by which we would have the ability to have salvation. Just like all human laws, a per-

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son is only bound by the law when they are living. Once the person dies, they are no longer bound by the law.

image of the Cherubim on it was a symbolic reference of them guarding access to the Garden of Eden and the Tree of Life.

The Lord protected Adam and Eve from eternal bondage to sin. Living forever with sin would be a forever punishment and an eternal bondage to sin without any hope of reconciliation with the Lord. Like a seed must die to be transformed into something else, we must die in order to be reborn into salvation in the Lord. Once Adam and Eve were banished from the Garden, the Lord put Cherubim and a flaming sword that turned every way to guard the tree of life (Genesis 3:24). These are heavenly beings that are spoken of in the Bible many times as they are performing the duties of the Lord as His attendants. The Cherubim had two faces (human and young lion), wings on which they could fly, and obeyed the Lord in everything they did.

When Jesus conquered death, the curtain in front of the Most Holy Place was ripped in two, starting from the top and ending at the bottom (Matthew 27:50-52). This was the curtain that had the image of Cherubim printed on it. It was ripped in half opening the access to the Most Holy Place and to God. Jesus opened the path for all who believe in Him to be able to have eternal life through Jesus opened the path for all who Him and be with the Father believe in Him to be able to have forever. Where Adam caused eternal life through Him and be the Cherubim to guard the tree of life, Jesus gave us ac- with the Father forever. cess, past the Cherubim, to the Father.

Because Adam and Eve were no longer fit to tend to the Garden, the Lord replaced them with the Cherubim blocking the way to the tree of life. Everlasting life was now taken away from humanity since humans would forever be sinful for all eternity. An interesting correlation is the similarity of the Cherubim blocking and protecting the Tree of Life and the curtain in the temple that separates the Holy Place from the Most Holy Place. This curtain blocked and protected the Most Holy Place from the Israelites entering into it. The Most Holy Place is where the Lord dwelt when He was on earth. This four inch thick curtain had an image of the Cherubim put on it symbolizing the separation of the people from the Lord who is in the Most Holy Place (Exodus 26:1).

Everyone will live forever. The only question is, where will you be after you die? Will you be living eternally in paradise with the Lord? Or will you be living in eternal torment in hell without Him? The only way to the Father who is in the Most Holy Place is through Jesus Christ who died for the sins of those who believe in Him.

The Most Holy Place was where the arc of the covenant was to be placed and was where the Lord appeared in the tabernacle to his people (Exodus 26:33-34, Leviticus 16:2, 1 Kings 8:10). When the presence of the Lord was in the tabernacle, a cloud would fill the house of the Lord. No one, even the priests, would have access to the most holy place because that is where the Lord dwelt. The curtain separating the two sections with the 102

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arriage can be a blessing to those who build lasting love into their relationship. By implementing these 3 love building exercises into your marriage, you will be able to strengthen and grow your marriage to be a blessing to you and your spouse. These three exercises will also protect your marriage from divorce in addition to building love.

11 Growing Your Marriage

3 Ways to Build Lasting Love and Strengthen Your Marriage Love is patient and kind; love does not envy or boast; it is not arrogant 5or rude. It does not insist on its own way; it is not irritable or resentful; 6it does not rejoice at wrongdoing, but rejoices with the truth. 7Love bears all things, believes all things, hopes all things, endures all things. 8Love never ends.â&#x20AC;? 4

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It is no secret that marriages are under attack. The attack comes in two forms. First, there are also fewer and fewer people who are married and second, more married couples are getting divorces. The Bureau of Labor Statistics has found in 1976, the unmarried rate for adults was at 37.4. In September 2014, unmarried adults outnumbered married adults with 50.2% of the adult population being unmarried. The statistics shows us that marriage is less and less a part of the American culture than all the previous years. The Pew Research Center shows a drastic decline among the youth than any other generation before it. From 1960 to 2013, the percentage of married couples has plummeted from 65% to 26% for those between the ages of 18 to 32. That is a 39% decrease in married couples in just 50 years!

The Decline in Marriage Among the Young % married at age 18 to 32, by generation Millennial (2013) Gen X (1997) Boomer (1980) Silnet (1960)

26 36 48 65

Source: Data from 1980,01997 and 2013 are from the March Current Population Survey, 1960 data are from 1960 Census PEW RESEARCH CENTER

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Today, it seems as though divorce is a much more common event and is even celebrated by some. It is almost daily that you hear about another celebrity, athlete, or rich couple getting a divorce. Young people are getting divorces because they do not “feel” in love with their spouse anymore. The term use for this ungodly practice is called “irreconcilable differences”. You will not find this term in the Bible because it is made up by man. Basically the husband and the wife agree that they no longer desire to stay married and want a divorce. No matter the reason, it is still a divorce. Married couples need to recognize this selfish practice and implement ways to safeguard their marriage from divorce. If you and your spouse build lasting love into your marriage, it will become healthy and strong and able to withstand the trials that will try to break your marriage a part. After learning the 3 ways to build lasting love into your marriage, you’ll have a deeper understanding of what it means to have a healthy, successful, and blessed marriage. Then you will be ready to implement them into your marriage and cultivate a lasting marriage that blesses the both of you.

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Pray Together

3. Ask Him to take care of your needs

1. Connecting with God Together Praying together every night is a way for you to connect to God with your spouse. It is a time for you and your spouse to go before the Creator of the universe and humble yourselves before Him. There is something special about both the husband and wife turning to God for thanks giving, presenting requests to Him, and asking for His direction for their life. God wants you to connect with Him together and will bless you for doing so. 2. Becoming One Spiritually The Bible says that when a man and woman are married, they become one flesh. This means that they are no longer two individual people but have been brought together in one flesh physically. God has now joined the two together and is as one. When a married couple prays together, their spirits communicate to God together and they become one spiritually. 3. Jesus Shows Us How We Should Pray Jesus Christ gives us an example of how to pray in Pray then like this: “Our Father in heaven, hallowed be your name. 10Your kingdom come, your will be done, on earth as it is in heaven. 11Give us this day our daily bread, 12and forgive us our debts, as we also have forgiven our debtors. 13And lead us not into temptation, but deliver us from evil.” 9

Matthew 6:9-13 ESV This prayer can be broken down like this: 1. Praise and thank God 2. Ask God for His will in your life and on earth

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4. Ask Him for the forgiveness of your sins against Him and others 5. Ask Him to help you forgive others 6. Ask Him to help you refrain from sinning 7. Ask for His protection from evil Your words can be different than Jesus’ words but the prayer can stay the same. Here is an example so you can pray for your needs as Jesus did: “Dear Lord, we love you and thank you for being our God. We ask for your will to be done in our lives and here in our country and world. Please help us to pay our bills, have food to eat, and to be content in all we have. Forgive us our sins and help us to forgive others who have wronged us because you first forgave us. Help my wife and I not be lead into sin and we ask for you to deliver us and protect us from sin and evil. Amen” Pray Daily with Your Spouse

Date Night 1. Rekindle The Flame You Had When You First Started Dating Our lives are busy. Marriages can get stuck in routines. It is time to break out of those habits and behaviors and bring your marriage back to the time when you first met your spouse and the way you felt in the beginning. Think about all the emotions, feelings, thoughts, and actions the both of you had when you went on your first date. With a monthly date night, your goal is to bring your marriage back to how each of you felt when you first met. It is hard and will take time, but this does take intentional thought and 109

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actions to do so. There are many ideas that will be a fun date night: Miniature golf, batting cage, watching movies, long walks, eating frozen yogurt, etc. 2. Keep Your Relationship Fun, Energetic, and Even Spontaneous Try to go on one date night per month with just your spouse. This is a time for both of you to have fun together, enjoying each other’s company, and connect on a relational level. You do not have to spend money necessarily and you don’t always need a babysitter. Date nights can be a night where you and your spouse hit the town or where you rent a movie, get take-out food, and just enjoy spending time with each other. Be creative and enjoy a date night together. 3. Your Spouse Is Your Best Friend Some people may say “I love my spouse but I sure don’t like him/her.” When you are alone and feel like being with someone, your spouse should be the first person who comes into your mind. He/she must be your best friend and someone you cannot be without. Friends do things together that they both enjoy. View this as a time for you to develop your friendship with your spouse. Focus on how you can develop a deeper level of friendship with your spouse with these date night. Make them enjoyable for the both of you and something you will look forward to doing at least once a month. Date Your Spouse Regularly

Couple’s Huddle Communication is the foundation of any relationship, especially in marriage. Without communication, people tend to 110

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grow apart and their relationship breaks down. In marriage, communication needs to be deliberate and intentional at times. Sure, a conversation about the weather is communication but not as deep as talking about your dreams and desires for the future. To develop a deeper level of communication, marriages need a time where there is intention to communicate deeper things of your life together. These conversations can include the hurts one of you did to the other or the desire to find a new job. Having regular couples huddles weekly will greatly increase your communication and build your marriage. A couple’s huddle is just like a huddle in football. As in football, the huddle is a time for those in the game to communicate with one another. The game does not proceed until the players are out of the huddle and each player knows what is taking place when they leave the huddle. This puts them on the same page and going in the same direction which increases their effectiveness at playing the game. When you have a couple’s huddle make sure there are no distractions. Turn off the TV, put away the cell phones, and put the kids to bed. This is a time for just the two of you to communicate anything and everything either of you wants to discuss. This can be as long as 2 hours or as short as 5 minutes. Whatever the conversation warrants, this dictates how long or how deep the conversation should be. Husbands, you are the head of the household and called by God to be the leaders of the family. Just like the quarterback is the one that calls the huddle and leads it, husbands, you are to call the huddle and start the communication with your spouse. You absolutely must take clues from your wife when she needs a couple’s huddle but make sure you devote your time and mind to this huddle. Connect with Your Spouse through Communication 111

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The Purpose of Marriage Why Marriage Was Created

Building Lasting Love Wrap-up Now that you have learned the 3 ways to build lasting love into your marriage, it is time to start implementing them. If you get overwhelmed at any point in the future, refer to this guide to help you move forward. Don’t expect to implement ALL of these into your marriage immediately. It takes time, intentionality, and discipline to do so. But believe me, once you do, marriage gets better and better. As you implement one aspect, stick with it until it becomes a habit and then becomes part of your marriage. I suggest that you start praying together every day when you go to bed. They say it takes 28 days of repeating an action to create a habit. Start today and pray together for the next 28 days. Once you have that going, maybe build in having a date night at the end of the 28 days as a reward to both of you for doing such a great job. Then, move onto building a couple’s huddle discussing how your marriage is progressing. Keep fighting to build a healthy relationship with your spouse with these 4 effective ways to build lasting love and strength in your marriage.

The Purpose of Marriage Why Marriage Was Created Marriage is meant by God to put that gospel reality on display in the world. That is why we are married. That is why all married people are married, even when they don’t know and embrace this gospel.” John Piper

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Therefore a man shall leave his Father and mother and hold fast to his wife, and the two shall become one flesh.” 32This mystery is profound, and I am saying that it refers to Christ and the church.” 31

Ephesians 5:31-32 ESV Why does marriage exist? It seems like a silly question but one that must be answered in order to understand the purpose of marriage. The answer to this question is the basis for all creation. Likewise, all Christ followers must understand why they and everything exist. To answer this question, I turn to how I have been teaching my children. Every night, Melissa and I do a family Bible time with our children before they go to bed. We pray together, read the Bible, discuss what we read, sing praise songs, and then pray again. We also go through the children’s catechism. The catechism is nothing more than a set of questions and answers. It is a summary of the principles of Christian beliefs in the form of questions and answers, used for the instruction of Christians. The first five questions answer everything, including the meaning of life. Q. 1. Who made you? A. God. Q. 2. What else did God make? A. God made all things. Q. 3. Why did God make you and all things? A. For His own glory. Q. 4. How can you glorify God? A. By loving Him and doing what He commands. Q. 5. Why ought you to glorify God? A. Because He made me and takes care of me.

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Ultimately, like all things in creation, marriage exists Ultimately, like all things in for God’s glory. Everything creation, marriage exists for points to the Lord who is the creator much like a painting God’s glory. points to the painter who created it. With all creation, unlike a painting, the created has the ability, or its own will, to reject the creator. The marriage unit also has the ability to reject the Father and His plan for how the marriage should be. As with all creation, when it follows the creators design, blessings abound. If a painting is used as a rug, it ceases to be a valuable painting because it is being used in an improper way. Likewise, when a marriage is used in an improper way, its value lessens and does not bless the creation. There are Three Main Purposes to Marriage. 1. Picture of God and His People (Israel) 2. Picture of Christ and His Church 3. Procreation

Relationship of God and His People And I will betroth you to me forever. I will betroth you to me in righteousness and in justice, in steadfast love and in mercy. 20I will betroth you to me in faithfulness. And you shall know the Lord.” 19

Hosea 2:19-20 ESV Marriage is a reflection of the relationship between God and His people and Christ and His church. Since the fall of man, God desires to reconcile Himself to His creation. From Adam and Eve in the garden through the end of time, God will always 115

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seek to reconcile Himself with His people. The Lord never desired to be separated from His creation. Adam and Eve were meant to walk with God for all eternity. Because of the fall, man was separated from God with Jesus Christ being the only way of reconciliation. What God desires from all humans is for them to love Him with all their heart, soul, and mind (Matthew 22:37). The way to do this is explained in the Psalms.

The Purpose of Marriage Why Marriage Was Created

And the LORD said to Moses, “Go down, for your people, whom you brought up out of the land of Egypt, have corrupted themselves. 8They have turned aside quickly out of the way that I commanded them. They have made for themselves a golden calf and have worshiped it and sacrificed to it and said, ‘These are your gods, O Israel, who brought you up out of the land of Egypt!’” 9And the LORD said to Moses, “I have seen this people, and behold, it is a stiff-necked people.”

Exodus 32:7-9 ESV

Trust in the Lord, and do good; dwell in the land and befriend faithfulness.

Delight yourself in the Lord, and he will give you the desires of your heart. 5Commit your way to the Lord; trust in him, and he will act. 6He will bring forth your righteousness as the light, and your justice as the noonday.

Psalm 37:3-6 ESV

As God’s people follow this Psalm, they are walking in the ways of the Lord and He will bless his people because they are delighting themselves in the Lord. When God’s people turn away from Him, they are like a bride running away from her loving husband who wants to bless her. The Israelites, because of their sinful nature, continuously turn away from the Lord to other gods who were not the one true God. (Jeremiah 2:9-13). You see signs of this one-way marriage relationship between God and his people throughout the entire Old Testament. From the Israelites having Aaron make a golden calf while Moses (Exodus 32:7-9) was on Mount Sinai talking with the Lord, to the Lord speaking through Malachi saying that His people have turned aside from His statutes and are robbing him of His tithes and contributions.

A Prophet and a Prostitute To illustrate the relationship of the Lord and His people, God uses a man named Hosea and a prostitute named Gomer. This is a heart-wrenching story of how the Lord has His Prophet marry a prostitute who continually turns away from him to search after her lovers. Even though Gomer is continuously unfaithful to Hosea, he continually pursues her. The book of Hosea is all about this relationship and illustrates how hard hearted the Israelites were towards the Lord their God. We don’t see much of who Hosea or Gomer were before they were used by God to display this marriage but what we do see is that Hosea was the Lord’s prophet and Gomer was a prostitute. The Lord tells Hosea to take himself a wife of whoredom and have children of whoredom with her. The reason why the Lord chooses a prostitute is because the Israelites commit great whoredom by forsaking the Lord and going after other gods. When the LORD first spoke through Hosea, the LORD said to Hosea, “Go, take to yourself a wife of whoredom and have children of whoredom, for the land commits great whoredom by forsaking the LORD.”

Hosea 1:2 ESV 116

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After their marriage Hosea and Gomer have three children whose names are very symbolic. The Lord gives each child a specific name in a specific order. The first child’s name is Jezreel. The Lord gave him this name because he is going to punish the house of Jacob for all the bloodshed of Jehu in Jezreel (2 Kings 10:1-11). The second child was a daughter the Lord named No Mercy because the Lord will have no more mercy on the house of Israel or forgive them at all. Lastly, the Lord names their third child Not My People declaring that Israel is not His people any more. Rejoice not, O Israel! Exult not like the peoples; for you have played the whore, forsaking your God. You have loved a prostitute’s wages on all threshing floors.” Hosea 9:1 ESV Once her children have been weaned, Gomer returns to her prostitution and becomes unfaithful to Hosea just like people of Israel when they prostituted themselves to other gods forsaking the Lord. The Lord has very strong words with the three children to plead to her mother to turn away from her prostitution, adultery, and whoring. Gomer (Israel) has gone after many lovers who she believes will give her food and clothing and special things. The Lord will cause her to be stripped naked and have His blessings removed from her because she has acted shamefully. The Lord causes hedges and walls around her so she will not be able to pursue her lovers (Hosea 2:2-6) Gomer pursued her lovers until she comes to the realization that even though she pursues them, she will never be able to find them and keep them. The more she runs after her lovers the more they flee from her. After she comes to the realization she will never attain her lovers, she realizes life is worse now than when she was with Hosea. He treated her with love, cherished her, nourished her, and remained faithful to her even though 118

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she was unfaithful. No matter what she did in her unfaithfulness, she was not fulfilled like she was when she was with her first husband (Hosea 2:2-7).

He treated her with love, cherished her, nourished her, and remained faithful to her even though she was unfaithful.

Hosea 2:8-11 shows a very interesting and perplexing picture of how God treats His people who turn away to other Gods just like Gomer turned away from her husband to other lovers. And she did not know that it was I who gave her the grain, the wine, and the oil, and who lavished on her silver and gold, which they used for Baal. 9Therefore I will take back my grain in its time, and my wine in its season, and I will take away my wool and my flax, which were to cover her nakedness.” Hosea 2:8-11 ESV It was Hosea who provided for Gomer when she was chasing after her lovers. He, like the Lord, provided food, clothing, money and other things she needed to live, even when she pursued her lovers. Why did Hosea do this for her? First, because the Lord called him to, and second, he loved her. Love is an action that one does on behalf of the object of its affection. Just like the Lord loved His people so much that He provided for their needs as they were going after other gods, Hosea loved Gomer by providing for the needs of His bride even though she was unfaithful. The marriage of Hosea and Gomer is the relationship of God and His people Israel. This is the first purpose of marriage. The second purpose of marriage is to illustrate the relationship between Christ and His Bride the Church. Jesus is the Bridegroom and the Church is His Bride. 119

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13 Growing Your Marriage Spend More Time with the Things That Are the Most Important Your priorities must be God first, God second, and God third, until your life is continually face to face with God and no one else is taken into account whatsoever. Your prayer will then be, “In all the world there is no one but You, -- Dear God; there is no one but You.” Oswald Chambers

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hat is the most valuable thing you can spend? Is it a type of currency or something else? There are many things that you can spend in order to get something else. Think of the money in your pocket right now. If you have $5 to spend, you can buy anything worth $5. Let’s say you spent $5 on a high-priced coffee at some fancy coffee establishment. You effectively traded your $5 for a cup of coffee. If you had a different type of currency, like the Japanese yen, you would spend yen to purchase the coffee. This is basically trading one thing of value with another item of equal value. When you spend your money, you are spending something that has value. If you think about it, money is not the most valuable thing you can spend. You may be able to spend millions of dollars throughout your life but that money is just a representation of your time spent earning that money. No matter if you have a job as a garbage collector, doctor, or a lawyer, the amount of money that you have doesn’t matter. What does matter is how much of your time you spent earning that money. How much time did it take you to earn that $5 that you spent buying a cup of coffee? If you have a job, you have agreed with your employer that you would trade your hour of work for a certain wage. You effectively spent one hour of your life for a set amount of money. That money you traded for your hour of time can now be spent on something else. Your time is much more valuable than the money it makes. If it wasn’t, your boss would not pay you for the hours that you give him. So your time is worth much more than the money you make. Let’s take that one step further. The time you have been blessed with is limited. Everyone dies at some point in their life. Young or old, rich or poor, Christian or non-Christian everyone ceases to live at some point in their life. Even after you and I die, time will still go on. So time is not the most valuable thing you can spend. The most valuable thing you can spend is your life itself. When you die, your life and everything in it will reflect what you spent it on. A big indicator of what you value is how you spent your life here on earth. 121

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Spend More Time with the Things That Are the Most Important

Do you spend your life on the things that are most important? Or do you spend it on things that don’t really matter in the end. No one on their deathbed ever said “I wish I spent more time working”. Actually, most people say they wish they spent more time with their spouse, their children, and their family. Are you spending your life on the things that don’t matter or things that do matter?

The word vanity in Hebrew is the word “hebel” and can be translated also as vain and refers to a “mist” or a “vapor”. Metaphorically, it is something that is fleeting or elusive. The New International Version (NIV) translates hebel to the word meaningless.

In America, we tend to keep our schedules hectic and are always busy. Busy doing things that are good in themselves but tend to take over our lives. We may also fill up our lives with so many things that most likely do In the end, the only thing not matter in the end. In the end, the only that matters is God. thing that matters is God. The book of Ecclesiastes puts all this into perspective.

Meaningless! Meaningless!” says the Teacher. “Utterly meaningless! Everything is meaningless.”

Vanity of vanities, says the Preacher, vanity of vanities! All is vanity. 3What does man gain by all the toil at which he toils under the sun? 4A generation goes, and a generation comes, but the earth remains forever. 5The sun rises, and the sun goes down, and hastens to the place where it rises. 6The wind blows to the south and goes around to the north; around and around goes the wind, and on its circuits the wind returns. 7All streams run to the sea, but the sea is not full; to the place where the streams flow, there they flow again. 8 All things are full of weariness; a man cannot utter it; the eye is not satisfied with seeing, nor the ear filled with hearing. 9What has been is what will be, and what has been done is what will be done, and there is nothing new under the sun. 10 Is there a thing of which it is said, “See, this is new”? It has been already in the ages before us. 11There is no remembrance of former things, nor will there be any remembrance of later things yet to be among those who come after.” 2

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Ecclesiastes 1:2 ESV This first chapter of Ecclesiastes is a strong picture of how meaningless everything is in this world. Even though we work hard, stay busy, and feel like we are producing something that is very meaningful, in the end the only thing that has meaning is God. Now all has been heard; here is the conclusion of the matter: Fear God and keep his commandments, for this is the duty of all mankind. 14For God will bring every deed into judgment, including every hidden thing, whether it is good or evil.”

Ecclesiastes 12:13-14 ESV

In the end, the only thing that really matters is for us to fear God and keep His commandments. If that is the most important thing in our lives, do we really spend our life fearing God and keeping His commandments? How much time do you spend reading God’s Word and devoting yourself to His commandments? No matter how much of your life you spend currently fearing God and keeping His commandments, you can always spend more. The apostle Paul devoted His entire life to fearing God and keeping His commandments and making God known through the preaching of the good news.

Ecclesiastes 1:2-11 ESV 123

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In our last section on growing your marriage, we looked at the priorities in our life and how we can put them in the correct order. God should be our number one priority, our spouse is second, and our children third. Everything else in our life should come after these three. How much of your life you spend on these priorities shows how much of a priority these really are. The things that are the highest priority should have the majority of your life spent on it. Conversely, the lower priorities should have less of your life spent on them than the one before it. Think of it as a pyramid with many layers. The bottom layer of the pyramid is the widest and should take the most of your life dedicated to it. Since fearing God and keeping His commandments is the meaning of life, we should spend the majority, if not all of our life devoted to it. Our second priority in life should be our spouse. The things that are the highest How much of your life do priority should have the majority you spend with and for your of your life spent on it. Conversely, spouse? Do you spend more the lower priorities should have time with your buddies than less of your life spent on them than you do with your wife? Do you spend more time with the one before it. your girlfriends than you do with your husband? Or do you spend more time with your kids than you do with your spouse? The items that have a higher priority should have more of your life spent on them. Take some time to look over the example of the “life triangle” image and reflect on your life. How much of it is spent on things that don’t matter? Take a few minutes to pray ask the Lord to help you objectively look at your life through His perspective so you can arrange your life in the proper order of most important to the least.

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Now that you have taken some time to reflect and pray about this example of the “life triangle”, it is time for you to fill in for yourself the things that are most important to you after God, your spouse, and your children. Fill in the empty “time triangle” with the items of most importance to you and how you will spend your life.

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14 The First Institution God Created Was Marriage Now that you have a good picture of the things that are most important in your life, pray for the Lord to help you spend your life on the things that are most important. Donâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;t let this be an exercise that you do and forget, but make this a part of your life that you live daily. If you find yourself veering off the course set here today, come back to it to get your priorities and life back in order. 126

God intends and expects marriage to be a lifetime commitment between a man and a woman, based on the principles of biblical love. The relationship between Jesus Christ and His church is the supreme example of the committed love that a husband and wife are to follow in their relationship with each other. John C. Broger

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The first God-ordained institution was created when God joined Adam and Eve together and the two became one flesh. The word institution can sound like some stiff and bland union that is meant to be a curse rather than a blessing. Actually, the institution of marriage is designed to be the exact opposite. Marriage is designed to be a blessing for all who have entered into it. When God created Adam and Eve in the institution of marriage, sin had not yet entered the world. All of creation was as God designed it to be, holy and without sin. Marriage is the union of a man and a woman to benefit them as they are called to do God’s work. For Adam and Eve, that call was to work and keep the Garden of Eden together as they walked with God without sin. When God creates an institution, it is a lasting ordinance for His creation and their benefit. Before Eve was created God saw that there was a problem with Adam being alone. He had no helper suitable for him. God said that man should not be alone so he created Eve to be a suitable helpmate for him. Eve was not created to be exactly like Adam but to be a counterpart to him. His weaknesses would be her strengths, and her weaknesses would be his strengths. Adam and Eve are separate individuals. God did not create Eve to be like Adam or even put her in the same role as Adam. Instead the Lord created Eve to be Adams helper as he went about his working for the Lord (Genesis 2:18). The term helper gives us an insight into the thoughts the Lord had about the structure of marriage as God designed it. Adam was created first and was put in charge of working and tending the Garden of Eden for God. Eve was created second. She was given the job of helpmate to her husband and his duties. Her presence resolved the issue of Adam being alone. (1 Timothy 2:13). Adam was created as the head of the marriage and Eve as his helper in all he was called to do. The term helper is not a 128

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negative term but a neutral term to describe Eve’s role in the marriage. Before sin entered the world, there was no problem with Adam being the head over Eve because pride had not entered into humanity. Because pride is a sin, it wasn’t until sin entered the world that pride entered as well. With pride comes the desire to be number one in everything that a human can do. Eve never wanted to be the head nor did she believe that she needed equal treatment or pay for her work with Adam for the Lord. The Bible explains the situation as Adam being the lead and Eve being the helper and leaves it at that. The next thing we see is how Eve was deceived by the serpent and ate the fruit that would bring sin into the world. From the beginning, men and women were created to have different roles. The husband being the head of the marriage and the wife being his helper. It is not that one is greater or lesser than the other, it Eve never argued about her is just that God created each position in creation with God to play different roles and complement each other. Eve or Adam but lived as she was never argued about her po- created. Adam likewise never sition in creation with God argued about his position as the or Adam but lived as she was created. Adam likewise never head of the marriage but lived as argued about his position as he was created. the head of the marriage but lived as he was created. After the fall of man, and sin entered into the world, the structure of marriage did not change but the dynamic of those who would enter into marriage did. Pride entered into the heart of all humans and we all have a desire to disobey God’s commands just as Satan did. Satan wanted to be like God and ascend to God’s level but the Lord struck Satan down. In Luke 10:18, Jesus said “18And he said to them, “I saw Satan fall like lightning 129

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from heaven.â&#x20AC;? Because of sin, marriage has become much more of a struggle and difficult to fulfill the roles God has called us to.

Marriage is a Covenant not a Contract It is important to understand what a covenant actually is. A covenant is an honor based commitment based on trust between two or more people. Any covenant is only as strong as the character of those in the covenant. If one party in the covenant has weak character, they can break the covenant because it is based on trust that the ones in the covenant will NOT break the covenant. A covenant is different than a contract. A contract on the other hand is based on distrust of the other parties involved. The contract is entered into because all parties want to hold each other to the terms of the agreement. If one party breaks the contract, the others can hold the offending party liable for damages defined in the contract. If you trust the other party, and they are trust-worthy, a contract is not needed since the covenant binds the parties to their honor and to keep the commitment they made. The liability and responsibility of a covenant and contract are different. A covenant is based on unlimited responsibility of the parties involved. Each party is fully responsible for all areas of the covenant and to hold the covenant intact. No matter what outside circumstances may come into existence, the covenant must not be broken. Contracts are based on limited liability for all parties involved. All terms, conditions, and policies are spelled out in writing before the contract is signed. Since all parties want to make sure each other fulfills their commitment, everything is written out in detail. When the contract is broken by one or more parties, the dispute is brought before a judge to decide if the contract was breached or not. Covenants cannot be broken by either party even if new circumstances were introduced. A 130

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contract is voided when one party breaches the contract. The non-offending party is now no longer held liable for the contract. Even though the contract holds that each party is obligated to the other, the contract is void because one party did not hold up their end of the agreement. A covenant is stronger than a contract. Especially when you take into account the parties involved. In the case of Abraham and the Lord, the Lord makes a covenant with Himself. Hebrews 6:13 shows us that the Lord swore by Himself because there is nothing greater for Him to swear by. This covenant was made by God and with God regarding Abraham and his descendants. So Abraham had nothing to do with this covenant since He was not a part of the covenant only the beneficiary of it. The Lord is all things good, holy, and true. His Word and his covenant will never be broken. God is unable to break any covenant He is a part of because that would go against His nature. It is literally impossible for the Lord to break a covenant He makes with anyone let alone the ones He makes with Himself. On your wedding day, there were most likely a few hundred friends and family members who were there to show you their love and support. They are also there to be witnesses to the union you were creating with your spouse. God was also a witness to your union but more importantly, He is a participant in the marriage. Even though it was you and your spouse on stage making vows to each other, the Lord was brought into the covenant relationship with you. In Genesis 2, God establishes the institution of marriage and His covenant with Himself regarding marriage. God was not just a witness to your union, but was a party involved in the union. Marriage is a union of three beings. You, your spouse, and the Lord.

Marriage is a union of three beings. You, your spouse, and the Lord.

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But you say, “Why does he not?” Because the LORD was witness between you and the wife of your youth, to whom you have been faithless, though she is your companion and your wife by covenant.”

Malachi 2:14 ESV

Picture of Christ and the Church Therefore a man shall leave his Father and mother and hold fast to his wife, and the two shall become one flesh.” 32This mystery is profound, and I am saying that it refers to Christ and the church.” 31

Ephesians 5:31-32 ESV Since the beginning, the Lord created marriage as a means for the humans He created to glorify Himself. Likewise, marriage was designed to glorify God in the union of a husband and wife. The relationship between a husband and wife continues to illustrate a picture of God and His people to that of Jesus Christ and His bride, the church. We see Paul’s words from Ephesians 5:31-32 showing us that marriage is a profound mystery but that it relates to Jesus Christ and the Church. The covenantal relationship between Christ (Bridegroom) and His Church (Bride) shows how a marriage can glorify the Lord. You glorify the Lord by following His commands and loving Him. The same goes for marriage. If your marriage follows His commands and love Him, He will use you to glorify Himself and bless you in all that you do. Using Jesus as our example, husbands and wives can see how they are to glorify God in their marriage. Christ treats His bride (the church) the way a husband should treat His bride. The Church is supposed to treat Christ as the wife is to treat her husband.

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The Lord designed the roles of husbands to imitate Christ and the roles of wives to imitate the church. There are many ways the Bible explains how the relationship between Christ and the church should function. A relationship where Christ loves, leads, protects, blesses, and sacrifices Himself for His bride. Also, the Bible shows how the church should treat Christ who is her husband. The church is to submit, be sanctified, and be pure, without spot or wrinkle, holy and without blemish. Living up to the example that Christ sets is a tall order for any husband to fulfill. I have to admit that I am not the best at acting like Christ every moment of every day. My goal is to strive to be like Christ 100% of the time but that does not always work out. Admittedly, when I am hungry and tired I fail miserably. Since I am a morning person, I wake up and go to the gym at 4:30 am and start the day at full speed. By the time evening comes my patients and gentleness escapes me very quickly. After my beautiful wife and I have put our four kids to bed, it is our time to relax and spend quality time together. Usually around 9:30 PM, I am very tired and tend to become irritable. I don’t always act as nice and patient as I should to my bride and find that I don’t show her love. In contrast, my wife is not a morning person. She is much more of a night person and is fully awake towards the end of the day when I am ready to go to bed. It is at these times that I fail her as a husband by not showing her the love that she deserves. The fantastic thing about my bride is that she understands me and does her best to show me extra respect and honor during these times by not taking everything to heart. She fulfills her role as a wife much more so than I do being her husband. That being said, we are both sinful fallen human beings who don’t get it right all the time. No one is perfect and neither will you or your spouse get things right all the time. Even thought that is the case, we must strive every day to be more like Jesus Christ and fulfill the roles the Lord has given us to serve Him. 133

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When a husband and wife follow the roles they were created to fulfill, marriage becomes a blessing for everyone, including the children. The husband blesses the wife as well as the wife blesses the husband. As each spouse does their part, it makes the roles we play much easier to accomplish and becomes a joy for the other to fulfill their role. When each spouse does not fulfill their role, the marriage becomes more difficult and the relationship between them becomes strained and burdensome. When a husband loves and cherishes his bride as Christ does His church, his wife feels loved. When she feels loved by her husband, it is much easier for her to fulfill her role as the wife in the marriage. As the wife fulfills her role by being his helpmate and submitting to him as unto the Lord, he feels respected by her and honored. This helps him to show her even more love because she is fulfilling her role in helping him to do his.

Marriage Is a Covenant of Three “If you make a vow to the Lord your God, you shall not delay fulfilling it, for the Lord your God will surely require it of you, and you will be guilty of sin. But if you refrain from vowing, you will not be guilty of sin. You shall be careful to do what has passed your lips, for you have voluntarily vowed to the Lord your God what you have promised with your mouth.” Deuteronomy 23:21-23 ESV When a person makes a vow, it is something they are never to break. The Lord holds everyone accountable for the vows they make, especially their marriage vows. If you do not keep your vows to the Lord, you will be guilty of sinning against the Lord. The book of James shows how we can fall under condem-

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nation from the Lord if we break our vows. We are to have our “yes” be yes and our “no” be no. But above all, my brothers, do not swear, either by heaven or by earth or by any other oath, but let your “yes” be yes and your “no” be no, so that you may not fall under condemnation.” James 5:12 ESV The most important commitment you will ever make is when you are asked the question: “Who do you say Jesus is.” Galatians 2:20 gives us the right answer. “I have been crucified with Christ, and I no longer live but Christ lives in me. The life I live in the body, I live by faith in the Son of God who loved me and gave himself for me.” On your wedding day, you and your spouse vow to each other to remain married until death parts you from each other. The question you were asked was similar to this: “I, (Bride/Groom), take (you/thee) (Groom/Bride), to be my (wife/husband), to have and to hold from this day forward, for better or for worse, for richer, for poorer, in sickness and in health, to love and to cherish; and I promise to be faithful to you until death do us part.” By saying “I do” to this question, you both entered into a covenant with each other that you will remain faithful to your spouse until death parts the two of you. It may feel as though your marriage is just a union of two people, you and your spouse but it is not. Since marriage is the Lord’s institution, He is automatically included into the covenant you and your spouse made to each other. This covenant does not depend on the performance of either spouse and is not a revocable commitment you made to each other.

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There is a third person that is with you in your marJust as He made a covenant with riage. Since God created Adam and Eve when they were marriage for His creation, joined together, you and your He is the One that brings you spouse are joined together with the and your spouse together in marriage. Just as He made a Lord. covenant with Adam and Eve when they were joined together, you and your spouse are joined together with the Lord. The covenant that you and your spouse made when you got married is a covenant with the Lord. Because a covenant is not a contract depending on each of the participants’ performance, the Lord will always hold up His end of the covenant relationship with you and your spouse. No matter if you or your spouse gives up, the Lord is always there to help you be reconciled to your spouse. Melissa and I have seen many friends give up on their marriage and eventually get a divorce. Marriage brings two separate individuals together to become one in flesh. The problem is that we are all sinful and fallen human beings, who without the Lord’s help, are incapable of doing any good at all. Being prone to selfishness, sin, and pride, we are all capable of hurting our spouse in many ways and ultimately hurting our marriage. Sin will corrupt your marriage but the Lord is not corrupted by sin. Even if there is sin somewhere in your marriage, the Lord is not corrupted by that. He, being the third part of the covenant, will help you and your marriage every step of the way. Your spouse may let you down at some point but God never will. He is the one holding the covenant you made with your spouse together and He will help you to reconcile that relationship and covenant with your spouse.

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completely horrified that he is looking to something else to fulfill his desires other than you. You realize that the pornography is what has (and always will) negatively affect your marriage. You as the wife feel sinned against, disgraced, wounded, resentful, inadequate, and betrayed because you should be the only one he desires. Whatever reasons he may give to justify his addiction (not getting what he needs, etc.) to pornography, they are only excuses to take the responsibility off himself and put the blame on someone else, maybe even you. Or, imagine your wife is having a secret (non-physical) relationship with other men. She accidentally leaves her Facebook account open on the computer and you see the conversation and interaction she has been having with other men. You as the husband realize that your relationship with your wife is much more superficial and lacking than it ever has been. She has been receiving companionship from other men rather than from you. You feel hurt, angry, outraged, resentful, and betrayed. You also feel sinned against because she is going to someone else for the things that you should be giving her. Any justifications that she gives you for her actions are excuses for her to deflect from her sin and are just daggers that cut even deeper into your marriage. Even though your spouse has gone against the covenant they made with you, the Lord is still there holding everything together. He is the only one that will never leave you nor forsake you. He will also be the one that will be there to help you reconcile your marriage. Each spouse must turn to the Lord for His help to reconcile the marriage and turn to each other to ask forgiveness and to turn from the sinful activities that are hurting your marriage. Even though we are faithless, He is faithful and will keep His end of the covenant we made with our spouse.

Let’s imagine your husband is addicted to pornography. You accidentally stumble onto his internet browser one day and are 136

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Equilateral Triangle Connection Think of your marriage as a picture of an equilateral triangle (all sides are the same length). This is the same triangle in the “Grow Your Marriage - Closeness with God is Closeness with Your Spouse” chapter. At the top of the triangle, God sits as the head and overseer of the marriage. The bottom of the triangle has you and your spouse on the left and right corners. This covenant relationship connects all three of you together in your marriage. You and your spouse have a direct relationship with the Lord and a direct relationship to each other. The relationship with your spouse is not “through” the Lord but rather “to” the Lord with him as the head over the marriage. As we grow in a relationship with the creator, our relationship with our spouse gets better. Imagine a ladder that you lean against God who is at the top. Your spouse is facing you with their own ladder leaning it against God as well on the opposite side. The distance The relationship with your between you and your spouse spouse is not “through” the is reflected in the distance you Lord but rather “to” the Lord are from God. If your distance with him as the head over the from God is metaphorically 10 feet away, you can only get as marriage. close as 10 feet to your spouse metaphorically. If the distance is 100 feet from God, the closest you can get to your spouse is 100 feet apart metaphorically. Let’s say you and your spouse are 100 feet apart and you both start climbing at the same time. While you are climbing up your ladder and your spouse is climbing up theirs, you begin to make up the distance between you and God. What was 100 feet away 138

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from God becomes 90 feet away and the relationship gets stronger with God. Likewise, your relationship with your spouse gets stronger because as you get closer to God the distance between the two of you will get shorter and shorter. Similarly, the further you get away from God, the further you get from your spouse, separating you even more. The higher you climb on the ladder, the better your relationship with God is and the better relationship you will have with your spouse. When you became one flesh in marriage, you became joined to your spouse and are now linked as one. As you move up the ladder seeking after God, you will inevitably bless your spouse because the Lord blesses you. The Apostle Paul says in 1 Corinthians, the unbelieving spouse is made holy because of the believing spouse. To the rest I say (I, not the Lord) that if any brother has a wife who is an unbeliever, and she consents to live with him, he should not divorce her. 13If any woman has a husband who is an unbeliever, and he consents to live with her, she should not divorce him. 14For the unbelieving husband is made holy because of his wife, and the unbelieving wife is made holy because of her husband. Otherwise your children would be unclean, but as it is, they are holy. 15But if the unbelieving partner separates, let it be so. In such cases the brother or sister is not enslaved. God has called you to peace. 16For how do you know, wife, whether you will save your husband? Or how do you know, husband, whether you will save your wife?” 12

1 Corinthians 7:12-16 ESV Pastor John MacArthur explains this passage is not saying that the unbelieving spouse will receive salvation just because one spouse has salvation. This is not salvation because salvation only comes through each persons’ faith in Jesus Christ as their Lord and Savior. The blessings, not salvation, you receive 139

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as a believer from God automatically transfer to your spouse because they are connected with you. Salvation comes by belief in Jesus Christ when you declare with your mouth “Jesus is Lord” and believe in your heart that God raised Him from the dead (Romans 10:9). Another reason why this does not seem to relate to salvation is that Paul also states in verse 15 that one spouse is a believer and the other is an unbeliever. Likewise, in verse 16, Paul states “How do you know, wife, whether you will save your husband? Or how do you know, husband, whether you will save your wife?” These verses show us that the unbelieving spouse and children are made holy (receiving God’s earthly blessings) and does not sanctifying them (giving them salvation).

ly according to each one’s deeds, conduct yourselves with fear throughout the time of your exile,”

Think of it like this. The closeness to your spouse is in direct relationship to the closeness with God. If you have a 2 foot relationship to God and your spouse has a 100 foot relationship with God, the closest you can ever get to your spouse is 100 feet away. You may be growing in your relationship with God but your spouse is not. Even though you are getting closer to God, you will still be as far away from your spouse in relation to their own personal relationship with God. Since they are not getting any closer to God, they are staying in the same place if not growing further apart. Since all sides of this marriage triangle are equal distance, as you draw closer to God, your distance from your spouse will naturally increase.

If both you and your spouse are believers, you should seek to grow closer to the Lord. As you both climb the ladder together, you will both draw closer to God and each other. Likewise, if one spouse sins with pornography, inappropriate relationships, selfishness, etc., the marriage will suffer because you and your spouse will be further apart because the relationship with the Lord will suffer. As one spouse descends the ladder because of sin and the other climbs because of growth, they become further apart and the marriage is strained. Everyone needs to pursue growth in the Lord and grow closer in fellowship with him daily. You, as an individual, must be growing in your relationship with the Lord by reading His Word, praying, and following His commands for your life. When both you and your spouse follow the Lord and His will for your lives, you ultimately find yourselves living the purpose of marriage.

All believers are called to grow closer to the Lord and be imitators of Jesus Christ. As Peter quotes Leviticus in 1 Peter 1:13-21: “13Therefore, preparing your minds for action, and being sober-minded, set your hope fully on the grace that will be brought to you at the revelation of Jesus Christ. As obedient children, do not be conformed to the passions of your former ignorance, 15but as he who called you is holy, you also be holy in all your conduct, 16since it is written, “You shall be holy, for I am holy.” 17And if you call on him as Father who judges impartial-

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So, how do you get closer to the Lord? The same way you are to be holy as the Lord is holy. Peter explains it as preparing your minds for action. Action is acting, achieving, and doing. Doing what? Being obedient children of the Father who is in heaven. To get closer to the Lord, you must know Him better and be obedient to His commands. How do you know Him? By believing what Jesus said in John 14:1-7: “I am the Way, the Truth, and the Life. No one comes to the Father but by me.” You do this by reading the Bible. As you read the Word of God you will know more of Jesus and in turn, know more of the Father.

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15 Equal in Christ and Blessed to Have our Own Roles to Play According to the Bible, marriage is not only designed by the Creator as an arena for human happiness and the continuation of the human race–it is also the arena of God’s glory, where the delights and disciplines of marriage point to the purpose for which human beings were made.” Albert Mohler

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ll human beings are equal in Christ. The Lord shows no partiality to anyone in all creation. One person can be the President of the United States, and another can be a street sweeper. Both are equal in the Lord’s eyes. Romans 3:23-26 says that there is no distinction between people “for all have sinned and fallen short of the glory of God”. Even though all have sinned and fallen short of God’s glory, the Lord redeems His people (believers in Christ) through Christ Jesus who God gave as a propitiation (the turning away of God’s wrath by an offering) for our sins. The Lord is no respecter of persons. Their position in life, their gender, their nationality, or even the amount of money they have. Likewise, husbands and wives are on equal standing in the Lord. Each have sinned and fallen short of the glory of God. Also, Christ has redeemed both of them when they received God’s grace through faith in Jesus Christ. Both are wretched, but both have been redeemed in Christ if they believe. In recognizing the differences between husband and wife, the Bible never has the wife’s role to be that of a slave to her husband. It also never says that the husband is superior over the woman. In fact, the Bible does show that everyone, both man and woman, are wretched and weak compared to God. Peter states that both men and women are weak in his first letter. Likewise, husbands, live with your wives in an understanding way, showing honor to the woman as the weaker vessel, since they are heirs with you of the grace of life, so that your prayers may not be hindered.”

1 Peter 2:7 ESV

At first glance, many who read this get upset and take offense to Peter’s words here. They strip out the majority of what Peter says and only keep three words: Husbands, women, weaker. They see Peter telling husbands that they are strong and the 143

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wives are weaker than them. This is far from what Peter was actually explaining. Peter was not saying that husbands are strong and that wives are weak. He is saying that both the He is saying that both the husband husband and wife are weak compared to God. You canand wife are weak compared to not have a “weaker” person God. You cannot have a “weaker” without one who is “weak”. person without one who is “weak”. The Lord is the only One that is strong. If Peter was meanThe Lord is the only One that is ing for the man to be strong, strong. he may very well have said “Show honor to the woman who is weak.” So both men and women are weak, it is just that women are weaker. Nothing about God is weak nor is anything in God bad or wrong because he is perfect. He is perfect in holiness, righteousness, strength, wisdom, and every other good thing. The apostle Paul helps us to understand the point that no matter what man believes, the Lord is always the strongest, the wisest, and the most holy being. It is almost as if Paul is belaboring the point when he says: For the foolishness of God is wiser than men, and the weakness of God is stronger than men.”

1 Corinthians 1:25 ESV The Lord is not foolish nor is He weak and Paul is helping us to understand what Peter is saying. Peter is saying that the husband is weak in the same way women are weak. Without getting too riled up about what Peter is saying, wives are weaker than husbands, what does it mean to be weak? Paul says this about being weak. 144

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But he said to me, “My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness.” Therefore, I will boast all the more gladly of my weaknesses, so that the power of Christ may rest upon me. 10For the sake of Christ, then, I am content with weaknesses, insults, hardships, persecutions, and calamities. For when I am weak, then I am strong.”

2 Corinthians 12:8-10 ESV Paul boasts about his weaknesses because the power of Christ rests upon him. Paul wants to be even weaker because the Lord says that His power is made perfect in weakness. So it seems like the weaker vessel is blessed more because Christ’s power is made perfect in weakness. Wives, who are considered the weaker vessel, make God’s power perfect because of their weakness. It is much more a blessing to be weaker and much more of a responsibility if not a burden to be the husband who is less weak than his wife. There is a difference though between husbands and wives in the roles that they each are given by the Lord.

Different in Roles We just saw how husbands and wives are equal in the Lord. Actually, everyone who believes in Jesus Christ as Lord is all equal in Him. Everyone has sinned and fallen short of the glory of God. The place where it is easy to get tripped up is when one believes they are superior to the other because the person submits to them. It seems as though it is human nature to believe that when one person is in authority over another person then that person is “better” or “superior” than the other. In worldly terms, this can be perceived as true. A master to a slave, an employer to employee, and a king to peasants all give us the idea that the one who submits is inferior to the one they submit to.

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The world and sinful man pervert this relationship between the one who submits to the one they submit to. From the beginning, the Lord intended His creation to be holy and without sin, but sin corrupted this image of submission. The word submission and how it The word submission and how it relates to a husband and wife relates to a husband and wife is is actually a beautiful thing. actually a beautiful thing. When When done in a Godly way, done in a Godly way, the husband the husband is the one who serves. The husband is the is the one who serves. one who protects. The husband is the one who loves. The husband is the one who cherishes. The husband is the one who leads. The husband is the one who provides. The husband is the one to imitate Christ to His bride. The other part of this marriage relationship is the wife and her calling of helpmate to her husband. She is head over the household of the family and helps the husband to do all the things that he is unable, or even incapable of doing. The role of the wife should not be looked at as a lesser role but as a blessing for the husband. As the husband is called to serve his wife, the wife is called to support and help the husband. In my marriage, my amazing wife does so many things that I am terrible at and possibly even incapable of doing. My marriage will be different than yours, but here is a fraction of the things that my wife does that fully blesses me (not in any order). 1. Provides godly wisdom and insight into our marriage because she knows and loves God and His Word

Equal in Christ and Blessed to Have our Own Roles to Play

3. Shows me respect by submitting to me while giving her honest opinion about my decisions 4. Is the most beautiful woman I have ever seen 5. Manages the budget and finances for the family and businesses 6. Oversees the affairs of our household (children, food, clothing, etc.) 7. Works to bring in extra money from side businesses 8. Homeschools our four terrific children (AMAZING!) 9. Ensures our home is a haven for the family 10. Provides physical intimacy (weâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;ll get more into that in a little bit) As I go about my role in our marriage, striving to be like Christ, Melissa fills in the gaps for all the things that I do by going about her role in our marriage. Again, our marriage will look different than yours in practical application but the principle is always the same. The husband and wife each have different roles to play in the marriage. Above all, a husband is to serve and love his bride, and the bride is to be a helpmate and submit to her husband. These roles do work in conjunction with each other. When one spouse fulfills their role, it makes it much easier for the other to fill their role. Husbands who do not fulfill their role in the marriage make it burdensome for the wife to fulfill her role to be a helpmate and to submit to him. Husbands have the same struggle fulfilling their role when a wife does not fulfill her role in the marriage. The husband has a much tougher time serving and loving his bride.

2. Prays for me and the family to glorify the Lord and for Him to bless us

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It must be said, no matter who your spouse is or how your spouse responds, you are called to fulfill your role irrespective of how your spouse fulfills theirs. Nowhere in the Bible does it say husbands are to love their wives if they are deserving of it. Nor does it say wives are not to respect their husbands if they are not worthy. Each time the role of the husband and wife are explained, they are statements that are exclusive of each other. There is no if, then statements. The Bible does not say if your husband loves you then you respect them. It does say: However, let each one of you love his wife as himself, and let the wife see that she respects her husband.”

Ephesians 5:33 ESV This one verse explains it well. The husband is to love his wife regardless of her respect for him. Likewise, the wife is to respect her husband regardless of her husband’s love for her. When a wife respects and submits to her husband even when she does not agree with him, she is submitting to the Lord and she is putting her faith in She is trusting the Lord to do all God and not her husband. that He says He will do. Her trust She is trusting the Lord to is placed in the Lord instead of her do all that He says He will husband. do. Her trust is placed in the Lord instead of her husband. Husbands are called to act just as Christ does to His bride. Jesus Christ loves and serves His bride, the church, regardless of how the church treats Him. When a husband loves and serves his bride when she is disrespectful, unfaithful, and is in opposition to him, he is fulfilling the command given to him by the

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Lord to be imitators of Christ. In both cases, the godly spouse will help to win over the other by their conduct and obedience to God.

Metaphorical Umbrella As we learned earlier, the Lord created a distinction between a husband and wife and the respective roles in the marriage. This does not say that the husband is greater than the wife or that the husband is loved more by God, but God puts a position of headship over everything and all creation. There is always a respective head if you are going to have order. In a chain of command there is a leader at the top and those in submission below him. Just as the Father is head over Jesus Christ, Jesus Christ is head over the husband, and the husband is head over the wife, and the wife is head over the children and household. For the husband is the head of the wife even as Christ is the head of the church, his body, and is himself its Savior.”

Ephesians 5:23 ESV Sin has distorted what the true picture of this relationship looks like. Many find it hard to think of the husband as head over the wife. They may see it as some sort of servant or slave type of relationship where the husband is the slave driver and the wife is the slave. Nowhere in Scripture is this ever stated, inferred, or even eluded to. On the contrary, the husband is to love and serve his wife just as Christ loves and serves His church and gave himself up for her. Think of what an umbrella does for you when it rains. An umbrella is used to protect you from the rain and from getting

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wet. If you stand under the umbrella when it’s raining, the umbrella becomes a shield of protection around you. The umbrella takes the effects of the weather keeping you dry. Since Christ serves His church and is head over man, Christ is a metaphorical umbrella protecting man and woman from all things that may try to harm the man and woman. Underneath Christ’s umbrella, the husband is a metaphorical umbrella over his wife protecting her from all things that will try to harm her. Underneath the husband’s umbrella, the wife is a metaphorical umbrella over her children and household protecting them from all things that would try to harm them. Notice the picture of the three umbrellas. Each of the three umbrellas is smaller in size than the one before it. The largest umbrella is over the two other umbrellas and protects them completely from getting wet. A second umbrella is directly underneath the first umbrella but is a smaller size than the first protecting the last umbrella. The last umbrella is directly underneath the second umbrella protecting everything below it. So you have three umbrellas in line protecting the ones below it. The largest umbrella can be seen as Jesus Christ protecting the husband, the wife, the children and the household. The second umbrella, which is smaller than the first, is the husband who is under Christ and protects the wife, the children and, the household. The third umbrella, which is smaller than the second, is the wife who protects the children and household. Each are in line with each other and are all connected together. Christ is over the husband, the husband is over the wife, the wife is over the children in the house. 150

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In this picture of an umbrella, protection comes from the top down. Everyone knows that an infant is unable to serve its mother or Father. Rather, the mother protects, nourishes, and cares for the child. Even though the wife is more than likely capable of doing the same for her husband, God designed marriage for a purpose. That purpose was for marriage to reflect the relationship of Christ who is to love and serve His bride. The husband is called to be like Christ in service, love, protection, nourishing, and caring for His bride. So the husband protects and provides for his wife and the family and is ultimately responsible for how the marriage functions. Christ protects and serves the husband, the wife, the children, and household. As we go through the roles of both the husband and the wife, keep the understanding in your mind that the roles the husband and the wife are to play were designed by God from the beginning. As you follow these roles you were created for, you will be more fulfilled and your marriage will be all God designed it to be. This will be a blessing to you and your spouse.

Mutual Submission In the church today, a few have been teaching that the Bible commands mutual submission between a husband and wife. Basically, this teaching says the wife is called to submit to her husband, likewise, the husband is to submit to his wife. I feel the need to address this teaching here because it distorts the teaching of Scripture and will lead a marriage in an dangerous and unhealthy direction. As we have seen in the past, the Lord gave different roles to husbands and wives and we will see that mutual submission between a husband and wife is found nowhere in the Bible. The proponents of mutual submission site Ephesians 5:21 “submitting to one another out of reverence for Christ.” as their biblical grounding for the term and practice. Because this verse 151

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comes directly before verse 22 which says “wives, submit to your own husbands, as to the Lord” the proponents of this teaching believe that Paul is referring to marriage in verse 21 like he is in verse 22. The problem with this teaching is contextual as well as hermeneutical.

Contextual Look at Mutual Submission In context, mutual submission does not coincide with what Paul is saying before and after verse 21. In hermeneutics, nowhere in the Bible does it say the man is to submit to his wife mutually but in complete contrast says that the wife is to submit to her husband. Let us tackle the contextual part first. From the beginning of the book of Ephesians up to chapter 5 verse 21, Paul is talking to all believers in the Lord and does not refer to marriage until verse 22. Paul addresses many different topics that pertain to all believers and when he gets to verse 21, he gets onto the topic of submission by stating that believers are to submit to one another out of reverence for Christ. It is in that same topic of submitting, Paul continues in verse 22 on the topic of submission in general but how it applies to marriage. First he talks about all believers “submitting to one another out of reverence for Christ”, then moves on to “wives, submit to your own husbands as to the Lord.” You see how Paul does not say that wives submit to everyone who is a husband. Paul specifically says “wives submit to your own husbands as to the Lord.” (italics added) If Paul was addressing marriage in verse 21, he would have instead said “wives submit to everyone who is a husband.” But he didn’t because he did not intend first 21 to refer to marriage. Paul sticks to the topic of submission that he starts in verse 21 and transitions it to how it applies also to marriage.

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The problem with picking one verse out of context and trying to apply it to something else is that it doesn’t hold up fully when analyzed in the light of all Scripture. You notice verse 21 is at the end of a rather long sentence that ends a long section of “walking in love” as a believer. To see the full context, you need to start at the beginning of chapter 5 because it is all one thought process Paul is speaking about. I’ll leave you to read chapter 5, in its entirety, on your own but will show you the long sentence that proponents of mutual submission pick out to support their doctrine. And do not get drunk with wine, for that is debauchery, but be filled with the Spirit, 19addressing one another in psalms and hymns and spiritual songs, singing and making melody to the Lord with your heart, 20giving thanks always and for everything to God the Father in the name of our Lord Jesus Christ, 21submitting to one another out of reverence for Christ.” 18

Ephesians 5:19-21 ESV Do you see how this is one long sentence that follows the same thoughts of Paul? When you take verse out of its context, you lose the majority of its meaning and how the author originally intended it to be read. The rest of Ephesians 5, from verse 22 on, shows how marriage was designed by the Lord and how wives are to submit to their husbands and husbands are to submit to Christ. Paul specifically says: Wives, submit to your own husbands as to the Lord.”

Ephesians 5:24 ESV

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Then he says

Equal in Christ and Blessed to Have our Own Roles to Play

Masters, do the same to them, and stop your threatening, knowing that he who is both their Master and yours is in heaven, and that there is no partiality with him.”

Ephesians 5:25-27 ESV This is such a long sentence and statement from Paul about what a husband is to do without anything regarding submitting to his wife. Why would Paul leave that out if he intended it to be mutual submission? The reason why is because mutual submission is untrue. When Paul starts Ephesians 5:22 he addresses wives. Verse 25, he addresses husbands. The very next section in chapter 6, Paul then addresses children. Children, obey your parents in the Lord, for this is right. 2”Honor your Father and mother” (this is the first commandment with a promise), 3”that it may go well with you and that you may live long in the land.” Ephesians 6:1-3 ESV Then in Ephesians 6:5 Paul addresses Bondservants to obey their masters as they would Christ. Bondservants, obey your earthly masters with fear and trembling, with a sincere heart, as you would Christ,”

Ephesians 6:5 ESV

Ephesians 6:9 ESV From the start of Ephesians 5:25, Paul goes through If you say that Ephesians 5:21 a list of different groups of people he is addressing. If applies to husbands and wives, you say that Ephesians 5:21 why does it not apply to children applies to husbands and and their parents? Should there wives, why does it not apply to children and their parents? be mutual submission between Should there be mutual sub- children and parents? And why mission between children does it not apply to bond servants and parents? And why does and their masters? Should there it not apply to bond servants and their masters? Should be mutual submission between there be mutual submission a master and the bondservant? between a master and the Absolutely not. bondservant? Absolutely not. When you read Ephesians 5:21 in context, mutual submission does not hold up because that’s not how Paul intended it and it doesn’t hold up to the rest of Scripture.

Hermeneutical Look At Mutual Submission Now let’s look at the hermeneutics of mutual submission in light of the rest of the Bible.

In verse 9, he then addresses the masters of the bondservants.

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Mutual submission also does not hold up to the rest of the Bible. Nowhere else in the Bible is mutual submission even remotely addressed. A hermeneutical approach to this topic shows how mutual submission is untrue. As we have seen many times in previous chapters, the Lord gives husbands and wives different roles to play in the marriage just like Christ and his church have different roles to play. Let’s look at the other passages that talk about submission. Colossians 3:18-23 give us the same list of groups as in the Ephesians 5 and 6. Paul starts with wives then moves on to husbands, then to children, then to Fathers, then bondservants, and finally on to masters. The interesting thing is what Paul says in verse 18 “Wives, submit to your husbands as fitting the Lord” the exact same thing he says in Ephesians 5. The interesting thing is that you do not see anything before or after Colossians 3:18 that talks about mutual submission.

tended mutual submission, he would have said it in both letters but he did not. In Titus 2, the apostle Paul gives another list of groups and what they are called to do as he did in Colossians and Ephesians. Older men are to be sober-minded, dignified, selfcontrolled, sound in faith, in love, and in steadfastness. 3 Older women likewise are to be reverent in behavior, not slanderers or slaves to much wine. They are to teach what is good, 4and so train the young women to love their husbands and children, 5to be self-controlled, pure, working at home, kind, and submissive to their own husbands, that the Word of God may not be reviled. 6Likewise, urge the younger men to be selfcontrolled.” 2

Titus 2:3-6 ESV

Wives, submit to your husbands, as is fitting in the Lord. 19Husbands, love your wives, and do not be harsh with them. 20Children, obey your parents in everything, for this pleases the Lord. 21Fathers, do not provoke your children, lest they become discouraged. 22Bondservants, obey in everything those who are your earthly masters, not by way of eye-service, as people-pleasers, but with sincerity of heart, fearing the Lord.”

Paul instructs Titus that the older women are to teach what they know to the younger women which includes being submissive to their own husbands. This means that the women already know, believe, and did submit to their husbands and they are called to teach what is good to the younger women. So being submissive to their husband is a good teaching from the Lord. Paul also instructs Titus to charge the older men in many areas of their life but does not say they should submit to their wives.

Colossians 3:18-23 ESV

Likewise, the younger men are not instructed to submit to their wives but rather to be self-controlled. Self-control goes right in line with what 1 Peter 3:7, “Likewise, husbands, live with your wives in an understanding way, showing honor to the woman as the weaker vessel, since they are heirs with you of the grace of life, so that your prayers may not be hindered.”

Both the book of Ephesians and Colossians are letters to churches helping them to be more like Jesus Christ with instruction in the Lord. These letters were written around the same time and Paul’s thoughts were the same for both letters. Paul spoke godly truths to both churches and had the same ideas and thoughts as both of these letters were written. If Paul had in-

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Let’s look at a completely different author, Peter. Peter says the same thing Paul says and does not imply anywhere there should be mutual submission. 157

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Likewise, wives, be subject to your own husbands, so that even if some do not obey the Word, they may be won without a word by the conduct of their wives, 2 when they see your respectful and pure conduct.” 1 Peter 3:1-2 ESV Peter, just like Paul, says wives are to be subject to their own husbands, meaning they are to submit to their husbands. Peter even specifies that wives are supposed to be subject to their own husbands not anyone else’s husband as Paul did. Peter also gives instruction to husbands in verse 7. “Likewise, husbands, live with your wives in an understanding way, showing honor to the woman as the weaker vessel, since they are heirs with you of the grace of life, so that your prayers may not be hindered.” Nowhere does he talk about how a husband is to submit to his wife or even allude to the thought of mutual submission. What he does say is that husbands are to live with their wives in an understanding way. This is exactly the same thing that Paul said in Colossians 3:19 “Husbands, love your wives, and do not be harsh with them.” As well as Ephesians 5:25 “husbands, love your wives, as Christ loved the church and gave himself up for her”. Another place in the Bible where God hammers home this point is in Genesis 3 when the Lord punished Eve for her sin. As we saw previously in the chapter on the fall of man, Eve’s punishment was that her desire would be for her husband and her husband would rule over her. God placed the husband over the wife and she would be in submission to him. It is clear that mutual submission is not something that the Lord commanded or even intended. A major question that helps us to understand if mutual submission in marriage is biblical or not is: Does Christ have mutual submission with man or woman? When proponents of mutual submission combing Ephesians 5:21 with vs. 22, you should not stop there. Vs. 21 should also be applied to verse 23 as well. 158

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The husband is head of the wife even as Christ is head of the church. Who is the church? The church is all those who believe in Jesus Christ as their Savior, who repent and turn from their sins to Him. The creation worships the Creator and are obedient to Him in all their ways. Now, is there mutual submission between God and his creation? Absolutely not! All throughout the Bible we see that creation is subject to God. Nowhere is mutual submission spoke about between God and his creation. Scripture is full of examples that support this idea however, one stands out immediately.

All throughout the Bible we see that creation is subject to God. Nowhere is mutual submission spoke about between God and his creation.

You will say to me then, “Why does he still find fault? For who can resist his will?” 20But who are you, O man, to answer back to God? Will what is molded say to its molder, “Why have you made me like this?” 21Has the potter no right over the clay, to make out of the same lump one vessel for honorable use and another for dishonorable use? 22What if God, desiring to show his wrath and to make known his power, has endured with much patience vessels of wrath prepared for destruction, 23in order to make known the riches of his glory for vessels of mercy, which he has prepared beforehand for glory.” 19

Romans 9:19-23 ESV Man cannot resist God’s will because he is the creation. The creation has no authority over its creator. If there was mutual submission between God and man, this passage would not exist. But it does and in light of the rest of the Bible, mutual 159

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submission is absolutely untrue. In light of all this, it must be said that biblical submission between a husband and wife must be taught in its entirety. The other part of the equation is the husband’s command from the Lord to love his spouse as Christ loves His church.

The Other Part of the Equation Any teaching about submission for a wife to husband MUST be taught in conjunction with what the husband is commanded to do. If anyone teaches solely that women are to submit to a husband without teaching what the husband is commanded to do, they are distorting the Lord’s intent for marriage and ripping away the blessings.

Equal in Christ and Blessed to Have our Own Roles to Play

In teaching Ephesians 5:22, the rest of the passage must be taught. Husbands are called to love their wives as Christ loved the church and gave himself up for her. Jesus Christ came into the world to serve, not be served. Likewise, husbands are to serve their wife, not to be served. Husbands are accountable to God for how they treat their wife in an understanding way with love and self-sacrifice for them. The husband is to be a servant leader just like Jesus Christ. The role of the husband is to be as Christ is to His church.

Every man, woman, and child is called to imitate Jesus Christ. God says be holy as I am holy (1 Peter 1:16). We do that by becoming imitators of Christ seeking to do as Christ did and please our Father in heaven. That is our duty and the command believers are to obey. Anyone who is not imitating Christ but rather imitating the world is not obeying the Father’s commands. Likewise, if a husband is not imitating Jesus Christ to His bride, he is not following the biblical command of marriage. When a husband is not being like Christ to his bride, it is the same as the bride not submitting to her husband. Just as the wife has her role to submit to her husband, the husband has his role to love her and treat her as Christ does His church. He is to submit to Jesus Christ in all areas of his life and treat his wife as Jesus would. Does Christ hurt, abuse, defame, not provide for, or hate His bride, the church? Absolutely not! Should a husband hurt, abuse, defame, not provide for, or hate his wife? Absolutely not! What the husband must do is be like Christ. In every way, the husband is to be like Christ in love, deed, thought, and action towards his bride. 160

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sually, the word intimacy leads people to think of physical intimacy through sex. While this is one type of intimacy, there are others that will build lasting love in your marriage. Without intimacy, the relationship becomes shallow and almost meaningless for both spouses. Intimacy brings a closeness that cultivates love and builds marriages up.

16 Growing Your Marriage Everyday Intimacy

Along with physical intimacy, there are 5 types of intimacy you should implement into your marriage. Since there are five types of intimacy, there needs to be a balance of all types without compromising the others. As you implement these into your marriage, try to introduce one of these forms of intimacies every day. Every marriage is different. What works for one may not work for another. Take time to discuss with your spouse how to best implement these five types of intimacy into your marriage in a manner that fulfills both of your needs.

1. Physical Intimacy Most people relate physical intimacy solely to sexual intercourse. It is much more than just sex. There are plenty of non-sexual types of physical intimacy that couples can do. Cuddling, holding hands, long hugs or embrace, even a foot massage. Husbands often feel as though physical intimacy should lead to sex. For wives, this is not always the case and can even be a source of frustration for wives.

Marriage has in it less of beauty, but more of safety, than the single life; it hath not more ease, but less danger; it is more merry and more sad; it is fuller of sorrows and fuller of joys; it lies under more burdens, but is supported by all the strengths of love and charity; and those burdens are delightful.â&#x20AC;? Jeremy Taylor

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Husbands should emphasize the word intimacy when they think of sexual intimacy. Usually, men use intimacy to get to sex and women use sex to get to intimacy. Sexual intimacy should be a time of service for each spouse to serve the other and be united together physically and enjoy the blessing of sex together in service to each other.

Sexual intimacy should be a time of service for each spouse to serve the other and be united together physically and enjoy the blessing of sex together in service to each other.

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Wives should understand that husbands need a physical release that only comes through sexual intimacy. Husbands were created with the need to have a physical release of semen and their wives are the ones to help with that release. Without the release, the husband will feel “bottled up” and may even look to have this physical release without his wife. It could be through pornography or even with another woman. Guard your marriage by being there for your spouse through physical intimacy when he or she needs it. Husbands should also understand that women are sexual beings as well and need a physical release that only happens through sex. God made sex to be enjoyable for both men and women. Like the men, if women do not experience the physical release they get during sex, they will also feel “bottled up” and may look to release without her husband. She will also feel unloved and unwanted when she does not have a physical release with her husband. For both husbands and wives, going without sex for longer than one week can cause strain and stress in the marriage. If at all possible, try to not go for more than a week without having sex. The Bible says that Satan can get a foothold into your marriage and tempt either one of you if you go too long without having sex with your spouse.

2. Emotional Intimacy Emotional intimacy is communicating emotional feelings, desires, deep secrets, frustrations, and other personal aspects about yourself to your spouse. Wives tend to be more expressive of their emotions than husbands and are able to communicate their emotions/feelings better than their husbands. In general, most husbands find it hard to relate to emotional intimacy since they are wired to think more concretely and do not have the vocabulary necessary for a deep emotional conversation.

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Wives need to realize this about their husbands and extend some grace to them as they try to be there for them emotionally. Because husbands are usually problem solvers, when their wife shares problems they are having, they are sharing it with their husband through emotional intimacy, the husband feels as though he needs to protect his bride as well as fix a problem. This is most likely not the case and the wife only needed to be listened to. To help with this confusion, it is very helpful for wives to work with their husbands to develop times, situations, etc. where they can have emotional intimacy. It could be a time when the kids are asleep and the wife says to her husband, “I want to share some things with you and I just need you to listen. I don’t need any answers, just someone to listen.” In the same way husbands need a physical release, wives In the same way husbands need need an emotional release. a physical release, wives need Wives must be able to have emotional intimacy with their an emotional release. Wives husbands. Without emotion- must be able to have emotional al intimacy, wives will begin intimacy with their husbands. to feel “bottled up” and need Without emotional intimacy, to release their emotions on someone else. This can lead wives will begin to feel “bottled wives to search out other ways up” and need to release their to have emotional intimacy emotions on someone else. and may even be with other men. Facebook, relationship websites, co-workers, casual friends, etc. can be a danger to marriages that do not have emotional intimacy.

3. Intellectual Intimacy Intellectual intimacy is the growing together through mutual knowledge and understanding. This can come through

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discussion, working through thought provoking issues, or even problem solving together. These discussions can be light hearted or very deep and thoughtful. The key is to grow together as you live your lives. Even though you may feel that you know everything about your spouse, or may know very little, there is always something to learn and or discover about your spouse. Even if you believe you already know your spouse and can read them like a book, experiencing intellectual intimacy is a great way to build a commonality between you and your spouse. Conversations about politics, TV shows or movies, or how to split an atom, are all ways for you to learn about your spouse and grow together intellectually.

4. Spiritual Intimacy Spiritual intimacy is a building up of each other in learning about God and His desires for your marriage. While similar to intellectual intimacy, it adds the aspect of a third person into your marriage. God, being the third person, is connected with you and your spouse because of the covenant you made with your spouse. When a married couple searches out the things of God together, they grow in their understanding and knowledge about God while becoming spiritually intimate. The Bible says to “Work out your salvation with fear and trembling.” And you should do that with your spouse. Search the ways of God together.

Everyday Intimacy

5. Recreational Intimacy Recreational intimacy is when you and your spouse play together and build lasting memories. These memories come from experiences, and those experiences come from doing fun things with your spouse. Think of some fond memories of you and your spouse when you were dating. Most likely they are things that you did together. Now that you are married, you may not make the time to create new experiences with your spouse because life can just fly by. These recreational experiences do not have to be trips to Italy, or extreme sports, but it can be anything you both enjoy doing together. While these absolutely build memories, going for walks around the neighborhood 3 times a week will also build memories. Playing board games together or even sitting in the back yard around a little fire pit can be a time of recreation. The main thing is that both of you enjoy each other’s company and share experiences together.

Cultivate Intimacy into Your Marriage to Develop Closeness

Start with things you both can agree upon, not the things you disagree about. When you disagree “walls” tend to be built up between you and your spouse. If you focus on what you agree upon, you will find it is much easier to agree upon other things. It is best to view your spouse as a friend and not an enemy. If you view them as a friend, you can grow together spiritually.

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Husbands Role to their Brides

s husbands model themselves after Jesus Christ in their marriage, their brides will be fully loved and blessed.

Husbands, love your wives, as Christ loved the church and gave himself up for her, 26that he might sanctify her, having cleansed her by the washing of water with the Word, 27so that he might present the church to himself in splendor, without spot or wrinkle or any such thing, that she might be holy and without blemish. 28In the same way husbands should love their wives as their own bodies. He who loves his wife loves himself. 29For no one ever hated his own flesh, but nourishes and cherishes it, just as Christ does the church, 30because we are members of his body.” 25

Husbands Role to their Brides The man who loves his wife above all else on earth gains the freedom and power to pursue other noble, but lesser, loves.” David Jeremiah

Ephesians 5:25-30 ESV

Christ Loves His Bride Jesus is the ultimate example of love for everyone to follow and imitate. 1 John 4:8 says: “whoever does not love does not know God, because God is love.” John 3:16 explains how God loved the world so much that He gave His only son as a sacrifice for us and through Him we would have eternal life. Imagine that type of love being played out in your life. Would you be able to give your one and only son as a sacrifice for a sinful person? The Lord did that for us by sacrificing His Son for our transgressions (sins). There is no definition of love found in the Bible but rather there are plenty of descriptions of love’s actions. Love is never defined as an emotion and it is never described as a feeling. The reason why is because love is something you do, not something

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you feel. The apostle Paul gives a fantastic description of what love is. Love is patient and kind; love does not envy or boast; it is not arrogant 5or rude. It does not insist on its own way; it is not irritable or resentful; 6it does not rejoice at wrongdoing, but rejoices with the truth. 7Love bears all things, believes all things, hopes all things, endures all things.8Love never ends.” 4

1 Corinthians 13:4-7 ESV Each one of these descriptions of love are actions taken by a person on behalf of the object of its affection. These are all things that love either does or does not do. Paul shows you what biblical love and worldly love are. Biblical (true) love is patient, kind, rejoices with truth, bears all things, believes all things, hopes all things, endures all things, and never ends. Worldly (counterfeit) love is boastful, arrogant, rude, selfish, irritable, resentful, and rejoices at wrongdoing. Love is only love when it acts. Would Christ be a lovLove is only love when it acts. ing God if He only had feelings of love but never acted? The love that Jesus has for His church is all-encompassing. The Bible says that God is love. He is the embodiment of love. What we see here is love as an act not a feeling. The Bible only describes love because it’s something we are not called to feel. Christ does all of these things for His bride the church because He is the embodiment of love. Christ loved His church through action, not through feelings. Could Christ “feel” His way through death on the cross or did it need to be a physical death? Every aspect of God’s love for the church was done in

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actions, not feelings. The emotional feeling of love cannot save anyone nor will it prove to anyone they are loved. For God so loved the world, that he gave his only Son, that whoever believes in him should not perish but have eternal life.”

John 3:16 ESV God so loved the world that He gave. His death on the cross was an act of love. John 3:16 does not say “For God so loved the world, that His emotions and feelings for her saved her from eternal torment.” It specifically names an action from the Lord, not an emotional feeling. In all the loving things Christ does for His church, He does so in action. Action is the only way Christ shows His love for His church. Christ showed us the greatest display of love in action when he laid down His life for us. Husbands likewise are to love their brides like Christ loves His church. Love is only true love when it acts. Greater love has no one than this, that someone lay down his life for his friends.”

John 15:13 ESV

The Loving Husband The main calling of a husband to his bride is to love her as Christ loves the church. This is not the “feeling” of love toward your wife. A husband’s feelings for his wife do not communicate anything to her. When a husband “feels” love toward his wife without showing it, his wife will not receive any love because he has not given any. No matter how much one “feels” love for another, that person is not affected by someone else’s feeling of love. A husband cannot bless his wife with the “feeling” of love

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either. If a husband does not love his wife, he will not fulfill his calling. He will not be the loving husband as Christ is a loving husband. Remember back when you got married... It was a terrific day where everything was only about you and your future spouse. The day is yours and you feel like this is the first day of the rest of your lives. When you both first “fell” in love, didn’t it seem as though your mate could do no wrong? The rest of your family and friends could see their faults but you could not. Then, after a few years, that feeling of love that you experienced was gone. All of a sudden you could see all your spouse’s flaws. You stopped being aware of the similarities and the differences became innumerable. The “feeling” of love is now gone. The emotional high of “falling” in love has disappeared. At first you felt as though “falling” in love was so great and you would jump out of a 10,000’ airplane to express your love for that person. The progression of things that happen when you jump out of an airplane goes like this; jumping (head first into love), falling (letting the emotion of love carry you away), and then the landing. You can land in one of two ways; either a crash or a successful landing. The former happens when you are not prepared for the landing, and the latter is when you are. Have you jumped into marriage or love with a parachute or without? Metaphorically speaking of course. If you jumped with a parachute you’ve done it with the knowledge that there are feelings in full force that do not represent love and at some point the falling in love will wane when reality hits. Jumping without a parachute is an example of someone who is not prepared for the commitment of marriage and is ignorant of what love really is and therefore they are in immediate danger of destroying themselves and their marriage.

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Metaphorically, jumping with a parachute is being grounded in Biblical (good) love, and jumping without one is worldly (bad) love. The Bible shows us a portrait of love. From Genesis to Revelation, the Lord puts His stamp of love for all to see. Passages like John 3:16 show that love is a verb, and not a noun. “For God so loved the world, that he gave His only son, that whoever believes in Him should not perish but have eternal life.” God so “loved” the world that He “gave”. Husbands are called to act in loving ways to their spouse not just “feel” love Husbands are called to act in towards them. 1 Corinthi- loving ways to their spouse not ans 13 does a great job to just “feel” love towards them. show husbands how they are to love their wives as Christ loves His church. He gives us a picture of what love is and what love is not. Men are called to love their wives as Christ loves the church. Husbands, can you say this about yourself at all times? 1. I am patient towards my wife even when I don’t think she deserves it. 2. I am kind to my wife at all times even when I don’t feel like it. 3. I’m not envious of my wife and how the Lord created her. 4. I do not boast to my wife in order to build myself up and lord over her. 5. I am not arrogant believing I know better than her because I am the husband. 6. I am never rude to her. 7. I do not insist on my own way.

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8. I am not irritated by the things she does. 9. I am not resentful for the things the Lord does for her. 10. I never rejoice when she does anything wrong. 11. I rejoice when the truth comes from my wife. 12. I bear all things that come from my wife. 13. I believe all things in my wife.

A Godly husband must strive every day of his life to embody what 1 Corinthians 13 says about the characteristics of love. Being human, we can miss the mark many times but as Christ followers we must strive to be like Jesus. Husbands, strive to love your wives as Christ loves His church and gave himself up for her.

Christ Serves His Bride

14. I hope all things for my wife. 15. I endure all things with my wife. 16. My love for my wife will never end. This is a tough list of characteristics to follow as a husband. The only way that we would be able to come close to fulfilling this is by the power of the Holy Spirit at work in us. The fruit of the Spirit is what Christ’s followers should produce in their lives, especially husbands towards their wives. Husbands are commanded to love their wives and God gives us the ability to do so. Love is one of the fruit of the Spirit which all believers have. The other characteristics of love in 1 Corinthians 13 are also fruit of the spirit. Think of them all; love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, gentleness, and self-control. The fruit of the Spirit embodies the characteristics of love. Each one of these fruit of the Spirit can be pointed to the description of love in 1 Corinthians. Love is patient and kind; love does not envy or boast; it is not arrogant 5or rude. It does not insist on its own way; it is not irritable or resentful; 6it does not rejoice at wrongdoing, but rejoices with the truth. 7Love bears all things, believes all things, hopes all things, endures all things.8Love never ends.” 4

1 Corinthians 13:4-7 ESV

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One of the most beautiful pictures we see in the Bible is Jesus displaying His service to the church when He washed the feet of His disciples. He did this to physically demonstrate His love for His church and that He came to serve, not to be served. He did not come in the form of a conquering king but as a humble servant. But Jesus called them to him and said, “You know that the rulers of the Gentiles lord it over them, and their great ones exercise authority over them. 26It shall not be so among you. But whoever would be great among you must be your servant, 27and whoever would be first among you must be your slave, 28even as the Son of Man came not to be served but to serve, and to give his life as a ransom for many.”

Matthew 20:25-28 ESV On the night before Jesus was to be crucified, He served His disciples by washing their feet. This was because, in Jesus day, people walked around in sandals on dirt roads. After a day of walking, one’s feet became very dirty from the ground. The washing of feet was something that servants did for their masters. It was a lowly position to be the one to wash someone else’s feet. Jesus shows what it is like to be the greatest in the kingdom

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of heaven. Whoever is the least will be the greatest because the last will be first and the first will be last (Matthew 19:30). If Christ does not serve you, you have no part in Him as He said to Peter in verse 8. Christ must cleanse us and wash us from all our transgressions in order for us to be a part of His church. This act of service from Christ enables us to be His church. Even though Jesus Christ is our Master and God, He emptied himself taking the form of a servant humbling Himself by death on a cross. Like Christ, husbands are called to serve their bride.

The Servant Husband Jesus, the Holy Spirit, and the Father were all together at the beginning of creation. When the Bible says “Let us make man in our image” it is referring to the triune God. One God in three persons. When Adam and Eve ate of the fruit of the tree of the knowledge of good and evil, sin entered the world. At that exact moment, God’s plan of redemption for His creation was put into motion. Even though it would take thousands of years to be fulfilled, it is like the blink of an eye for the Lord. Where one day is like a thousand years to Him and a thousand years is one day to Him (2 Peter 3:8). Redemption for His people came in the form of a sacrifice for the penalty of sin. Every transgression of the law demands a penalty to be paid. Christs’ death, burial, and resurrection is His sacrifice for His people (the church). Christ loves His church so much that He gave Himself up for her by sacrificing Himself on the cross so that she would be one with the Father in heaven. The only way for the church to be one with the Father was for the punishment of sin to be paid by someone. When a person sins, their punishment is eternal separation from God in hell. The amazing thing was that Jesus took our punishment for us when He allowed Himself to be sacrificed

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on the cross for our sins. Because Jesus Christ is God, he has the power over death. When Jesus died, He rose again three days later and defeated death. Death now no longer has a sting over the church. Jesus was born to take our transgressions and died for us. A husband must do the same to protect and sacrifice himself for his bride in order for her to be holy. Husbands, love your wives, as Christ loved the church and gave himself up for her, 26that he might sanctify her, having cleansed her by the washing of water with the Word, 27so that he might present the church to himself in splendor, without spot or wrinkle or any such thing, that she might be holy and without blemish. 28In the same way husbands should love their wives as their own bodies. He who loves his wife loves himself. 29For no one ever hated his own flesh, but nourishes and cherishes it, just as Christ does the church, 30because we are members of his body.” 25

Ephesians 5:25-30 ESV Husbands are called to give themselves up for their brides as Christ did for His church. This could be both literal and metaphorical. The literal “giving up yourself ” for your bride may be easier for most men to do than the metaphorical. This would be to actually put yourself in harm’s way so as to get bodily harm or even death to protect your spouse. Because of how the Lord designed men, they have this innate ability to jump into the fray with no regard for self. Men are built with the capability to fight and to die for the ones they love. Imagine a husband and wife watching TV late at night and there is a suspicious noise in the back yard. This noise makes both of you feel as though there is danger lurking in the dark and someone needs to investigate and provide protection. Who is the one that usually gets up? Is it the woman who gets up to protect the man or is it the man who gets

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up to protect the woman? In my marriage, you better believe I will throw myself into danger to protect the ones I love. In the movie “Titanic” when the ship is sinking, all the men were saying “Women and children first.” This was not chauvinistic or sexist but was the men saying if anyone was going to die tonight, it would not be the women and children, but us men who are called to protect them. Even in a Hollywood movie you didn’t see the women fighting back with the men saying “WE WANT EQUAL RIGHTS!” No, instead you see the women taking every advantage of the opportunity to get onto the life boats with the children to have a hopeful chance of staying alive. The literal idea of dyMost men have the capacity to ing for his wife is not usually live up to dying for their spouse a hard part for the husband because they were created to do so. to live up to. Most men have the capacity to live up to dyIt is easy for a man to die for his ing for their spouse because wife, but will he live for her? they were created to do so. It is easy for a man to die for his wife, but will he live for her? Men are called to die to themselves in service to Christ and likewise in service to their bride. When you die to yourself, you die to your past self and the sin you once engaged in. You now live for the object of your affection. As a believer in Christ, you die to yourself and live for Christ. A husband is called to die to himself and live for his wife. When a man is married, he is called to leave the safety of his Father and mother and is now to cleave to his wife. All the desires he had before he was married now must take a back seat to the needs of his marriage and his service to his wife. Our first year of marriage was pretty rough as I stated before. I had not fully learned that I needed to give up myself for my bride in a practical way by giving up all the things I wanted to 178

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do. I could have kept doing the things I did in my bachelorhood like skiing every weekend, guy nights every week, video games, and exercising all the time. Instead, I had to learn to metaphorically die to myself in service to my bride. Even though these things were not in any way sinful, I was leaving behind the person I was and becoming a new one. We became one in flesh our wedding night and will continue to be for the rest of our lives until death do us part. The husband is to give up himself for his bride just as Christ gave Himself up for His church.

Service through Sanctification As a Christ follower, we are called to grow daily in our walk and understanding of the Lord. We do this by spending time with Him daily in prayer, reading the Bible, meditating on His Word, and fasting. As a Christ follower grows in his relationship with God, He sets him apart for honorable use as holy objects for His glory. This process is called sanctification. Christ followers are sanctified by God and He sets them apart for His holy use. This happens when you seek to glorify God more and begin to live by faith in Jesus, the Son of God. He gave Himself up for all who believe and the grace of God comes through faith in Jesus and faith comes through hearing the Word of God. To sanctify is to set apart or declare as holy. It is consecrating something to the Lord. Jesus does this for His bride when he consecrated her and set her apart for the Lord. In leading His bride to be holy and blameless, without spot or wrinkle, Jesus washes His bride with the Word of God. There is interesting symbolism here with Jesus washing His bride with the Word and Jesus washing the feet of His disciple. In the book of John, we see that the Word became flesh and dwelt among us in the person of Jesus Christ. Just as Jesus Christ washed the feet of His disciples with His hands, He washes His bride in the Word.

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In Acts 2, the first church was commended for doing four things: devoting themselves to the preaching the gospel, to fellowship, the breaking of bread, and prayer. These four items make up the church in action and the preaching of the gospel is the washing of the Word for the church. Jesus uses His gospel as a means to cleanse and purify His bride to be consecrated to the Lord and sanctified by Him. Husbands are to lead their brides into holiness by washing them with the reading of Scripture. Husbands, love your wives, as Christ loved the church and gave himself up for her, 26that he might sanctify her, having cleansed her by the washing of water with the Word, 27so that he might present the church to himself in splendor, without spot or wrinkle or any such thing, that she might be holy and without blemish.” 25

Ephesians 5:25-27 ESV Husbands are called to love their wives as they love their own bodies (Ephesians 5:28). If the husband loves his wife as Christ loves His church, then the husband will lead her to sanctification in the Lord. To be sanctified is to be set apart from sin and declared holy being consecrated to the Lord. The husband’s duty to his wife is to lead her into sanctification in the Lord. He is to be the spiritual leader of the marriage and use the Word to sanctify and purify her. Paul paints a beautiful picture of a husband who washes his bride with the Word. A husband is cleansing her with the washing of the Word of God as he reads the Bible to her. He leads her into holiness and faith in the Lord which is his ultimate goal because he puts her in front of Him. He lifts her up so that she is a pure and spotless bride for Himself as well as a daughter of God the Father. If it’s hard for you to imagine reading the Bible to your wife, picture the story of Hosea and Gomer. If Gomer had known the Lord and was devoted to Him she would not be pursuing her 180

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lovers and would be faithful to her husband. Husbands want their brides to be pure and faithful to them. Reading the Bible to them is how you can lead your bride to a saving relationship with God the Father through faith in Jesus Christ. When a husband reads the Word to his bride he is leading her into holiness as well as serving her in love. No godly husband wants their wife to be punished with eternal separation from God but instead desires their bride to be with the Father in heaven. Reading the Word to your bride will help them to develop faith because faith comes by hearing the Word of God. When you become physically dirty, you use water to wash off the dirt and get Husbands are to cleanse their clean so you can become the wives with the washing (verbal way you where before the dirt reading) of the Word. This is a touched your body. Likewise, spiritual cleansing and is done washing with the Word is like using the Bible as water by reading the Bible to her as if to cleanse her from the filth- it were water used to clean her iness of sin. Husbands are to and make her holy. cleanse their wives with the washing (verbal reading) of the Word. This is a spiritual cleansing and is done by reading the Bible to her as if it were water used to clean her and make her holy. By doing this, the husband is sanctifying and purifying his bride. She will be without spot or wrinkle and be holy and without blemish. So faith comes from hearing, and hearing through the Word of Christ.”

Romans 10:17 ESV

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Faith comes by hearing the Word of God. Husbands can build up the faith in their wives by reading God’s Word to them. In doing so, the husband’s faith in the Lord will be built up and be strengthened further in the knowledge and faith in the Lord. In doing this the husband is leading his wife into holiness as Christ calls all believers to. Since husbands are to be submissive to Christ, they are to grow to be more like Him so that they will be able to submit to God as Christ does. This washing of the Word should be done regularly to keep her beautiful and holy. Since the man is held responsible for the way the marriage functions, he is held responsible for cleansing her by his reading of the Bible to her. How often is regularly? As often as needed to keep her clean. It would be wise to err on the side of more washing than less.

Providing for the Family Husbands are created with the desire to provide for their family. Remember that it was Adam who was cursed to work the ground all his life because of his transgression against the Lord. Likewise, all husbands are called upon to provide for their family in their work. Before I go any further I will say that there are times where the husband is unable to provide for their family for different reasons. There are certain instances where a husband may be physically unable to work or unable to find work to provide for their family. It is not whether or not the husband has the ability to work to provide for the family but the desire and longing to provide for his family that the Lord looks at. If a husband is able to work but chooses not to and does not provide for his family, the Bible has a very strong stance on these men. But if anyone does not provide for his relatives, and especially for members of his household, he has denied the faith and is worse than an unbeliever.”

Husbands Role to their Brides

Men must provide for their families. The husband cannot cherish and nourish his bride without providing for all of her needs. If the husband chooses not to provide for the members of his own household, he is worse than an unbeliever and has denied the faith. He will be as an apostate, one who blasphemes the Holy Spirit and will not inherit the eternal life. Husbands therefore must serve their families by providing for them. In America, it wasn’t until World War II that women began to work a job instead of attending to their family and the needs of the household. But before then men were the primary breadwinners of the family while the wives had the job of managing the household. Once families experienced the money from two incomes, families tended to continue having the husband as well as the wife work out of the home. Now don’t hear what I’m not saying. It is not wrong for a woman to work outside the home to earn money for the family. Each family needs to decide for themselves how they can best serve the Lord and seek His will for their family. Before we had children, Melissa worked a job and brought in extra income for us. Once we had children we decided to forgo two incomes by having her stay at home. Her new job would be the managing of our household and homeschooling our children. (This is MUCH harder than any job I have ever had!) I will say though that we have sacrificed our desire for the finer things in life and other luxuries for her to stay at home, but that was our choice. This saying hit home for Melissa and I as we made our decision to have her stay at home working in the household. “No one ever said on their death bed, ‘I wish I spent more time working than spending it with my family.” The main point of all this is that the husband is to serve his marriage and family by providing for their needs. If he chooses to not provide for his household, he is worse than an unbeliever and has denied the faith.

1 Timothy 5:8 ESV 182

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Service Through Emotional Release A husband must learn how his bride wants him to serve her in the ways that she needs. Not all wives are the same and a husband needs to understand, as best he can, his bride and how he can best serve her. Most women are relational beings. They thrive on intimacy through communication, companionship, and an emotional closeness from their husbands. Most men on the other hand are physical beings. They desire intimacy through physical touch and sexual intercourse. Another way to serve your bride is to be relationally intimate with her. Women need an emotional release since they are designed to be relational and emotional. This can be the equivalent for a husband and the physical release they get with sexual intercourse with their wife. Without sexual intercourse, men will not have that physical release of semen and it will become bottled up. Also he may begin to look for another avenue to release that physical pressure.

An emotional release can look like many things. It can be a two-way conversation where the husband and wife discuss and communicate together the things of their lives. It can also be where the wife shares her feelings and emotions to her husband for 30 minutes without the husband saying a word in return.

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Likewise, if a wife is unable to have an emotional release with her husband, that desire will become bottled up and begin to look for another avenue for that release. Husbands are to be there for that emotional release their wives need. A husband can do this in many ways for their wife and it is up to him to figure out the best way to help her release those emotions. An emotional release can look like many things. It can be a two-way conver-

Husbands Role to their Brides

sation where the husband and wife discuss and communicate together the things of their lives. It can also be where the wife shares her feelings and emotions to her husband for 30 minutes without the husband saying a word in return. I have learned in my marriage; I can best serve my wife with her emotional release by being a listening ear for her. Someone that will empathize and actually listen to what she has to say. I, like most men, find this hard to do without trying to solve her problems for her. I’m built to fix and solve problems, it is just in my nature. When my wife comes to me with an issue she’s having that she needs an emotional release for, it takes everything in me to not try to solve her problem even before she is finished explaining it. After failing many times in this area, I have learned that my job is to just listen and not say a word until she asks for my opinion. It is better for me to be a sounding board for her and show her that I care about her enough to serve her by listening to her. There have been times where we have sat down together and she would talk for 30 minutes or more without my even saying a word. I knew I was doing my service to her in being her emotional release. I will admit it is a hard thing to do but we as the husbands are called to serve our brides.

Christ Leads His Bride Christ leads his church into holiness with the Father. For the husband is the head of the wife even as Christ is the head of the church, his body, and is himself its Savior.”

Ephesians 5:23 ESV

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As Jesus loves and serves His bride, He also leads her into holiness and a relationship with the Father. Everything that Christ does for His bride is to lead her into the direction that would glorify the Father. He will not lead her into sin or temptation because God never tempts anyone nor does he want anyone to sin. In the same way, a Godly husband will never lead His bride into temptation or sin because His desire is for her to be pure and spotless. The husband will lead her in the direction the Father wants them both to go. He does not lead with an iron fist but with a gentle spirit. Having the husband lead the wife in marriage is a touchy subject because the world tries to tell you that women are good leaders. This is absolutely true and is plain to see all throughout the world especially in America, where women have a much more prominent role in business and politics and do a fantastic job. Where it gets problematic is when the roles between a husband and wife are blurred if not even switched. The problem is that the Lord designed marriage in a specific way for His creation to live. It is a standard He wants us to live by. We are commanded by the Lord to fulfill the roles He has given us. As the apostle Paul stated “20But who are you, O man, to answer back to God? Will what is molded say to its molder, “Why have you made me like this?” (Romans 9:20-22 ESV) The great thing about living into God’s design for our lives is that we receive the full blessing of God rather than just part. He knows what we need in our lives to make us fully blessed and He desires to give it to us. He also desires us to be obedient and live in the roles He created for us. As a married couple lives into His meaning and purpose for marriage, they will be following God’s will and be blessed in doing so. In the same way a potter makes a bowl to hold water, it is best used when it holds water and not used as a plate. Likewise, a plate was not designed to hold water but the bowl was. The plate will hold a little bit of water but not as much as the bowl that was designed to do so. 186

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The head over the wife is the husband; the head over the husband is Christ; and the head over Christ is the Father. To look at that from the other direction, the Father leads and guides His Son Jesus, Jesus leads and guides the husband, and the husband leads and guides his To look at that from the other wife. There is a set order of direction, the Father leads and headship from the beginning guides His Son Jesus, Jesus leads of creation. The headship starts with the Father, then and guides the husband, and the to Jesus Christ, and then to husband leads and guides his wife. the church. This order never There is a set order of headship changes. The church does not lead Jesus or the Father but from the beginning of creation. rather is led by Jesus who is led by the Father. Jesus only does what He sees the Father doing so He will not lead the church in any direction other than towards holiness. We need to remember that the man ultimately answers to Christ because Christ is head over the man. God will hold the man accountable for how he leads his bride and family in the marriage because he is charged to be the head of the marriage and family. As husband is the head over his wife and is to lead her in the way of righteousness, Christ is to lead the husband into the way of righteousness. The husband is to rely on the leading of Christ while not leaning on his own understanding but acknowledging that God is head of them all. Jesus Christ, being the head of the church, leads her in a direction that will bless her and glorify the Father. Jesus Christ is the servant leader for His church. He leads by His service to His bride. He does not force the church to do anything but leads through His service to her. Christ’s desire is to lead His church into holiness in all things and to have her follow God’s com-

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mands. He does not lead His bride to His selfish desires, but leads her into love and obedience to the Father who is head over Him.

to take the lead in all areas of the marriage especially matters of spirituality since men, for the most part, are spiritually lazy.

Husbands are to lead as Christ leads His church into holiness with the Father.

A woman’s natural tendency is to take the lead and a man’s natural tendency is to let her. At face value, this may seem like a good situation because someone is leading and someone is following. But when you really look at it, this was not God’s design from the beginning and will never work out in the long run. Husbands are designed by God to be the head in all areas of the marriage and wives are to be their helper. Because our sinful flesh pulls us in the opposite direction of where God wants us to go, it’s easy for a marriage to end up in this reversal of roles.

The Leading Husband Could you imagine Jesus Christ not leading His church to holiness? I personally am not able to imagine Jesus not taking the lead with His bride being the spiritual leader of the marriage covenant. Jesus’s sole reason for dying on the cross was to bring God’s people back to Him in holiness. Husbands are likewise to be the spiritual leader of their marriage covenant. In church today, it is much easier to get women to serve the church in any ministry than it is to get men to serve. By the Lord’s design, women are usually more spiritual than men. Women tend to be the spiritual leaders of the marriage because they desire to worship, serve, and be a part of the church. They are usually the ones who show up to prayer meetings, sign up for Bible studies, serve in children’s ministries, and encourage their family to go to church. Men, on the other hand, are much different than women when it comes to the things of God. Men are generally much more passive, if not resistant to the things of God. To be blunt about it, most men are spiritually lazy. It is the sinful nature of man to resist God and not fear Him as the Lord. Most men find it hard to lead their family spiritually and need more motivation than women to be the spiritual leader of the family. This stems from the fall of man and the punishment that Eve received because of her transgression. Genesis 3:16b “your desire (Hebrew – tĕshuwqah) shall be for (or against) your husband, and he shall rule (Hebrew – mashal) over you.” The same way sins’ desire for Cain was to overtake him (Genesis 4:7), woman’s desire is to overtake her husband. Women will want

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Does the church lead Christ? Absolutely not. Christ is the head of the church and leads her in the direction that glorifies the Father. Likewise, the woman does not lead the husband but the husband is to lead the wife into holiness that glorifies God. We see how this has played out in Genesis 16 with Abraham, Sarah, and Hagar her Egyptian servant. Previously, God told Abraham that he was going to have so many offspring that they could not even be counted. At the time, Abraham was married to Sarah and the promise of many offspring was going to be delivered through her. The interesting part is that Sarah was barren. Even though they had no child yet, this was a promise from the Lord and the Lord never breaks His promises. For 85 years, Sarah had not been able to bear children for Abraham. It seems as though she got impatient and did not believe the Lord would bless them with a child through her. Sarah instructed Abraham to “go into” (have sexual intercourse with) Hagar her servant in order for Sarah to have children through Hagar. Like Adam listening to Eve as she gave him the fruit to eat, Abraham listened to the voice of his wife Sarah and he did as she said. Abraham took Hagar as his wife and she bore him Ishmael. At 86 years old, Abraham had his first child through Hagar named Ishmael. Sarah hated Hagar after this because Hagar could 189

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do what Sarah could not and Hagar looked with contempt on Sarah. Abraham listened to his wife and she now hated him for it. She told Abraham “May the wrong done to me be on you!” Even though Abraham and Sarah did not trust the Lord to fulfill His promises, the Lord still kept His promise with Abraham to have him be the Father of many nations through his wife Sarah. Abraham was 100 years old when Isaac was finally born to him through Sarah. Husbands need to be the head of the marriage and be the leader in all areas of life. Remember, Eve was the one who sinned first and gave to her husband to eat of the fruit but Adam was held responsible for the marriage. God questioned Adam first because he was held accountable by God for the sin of the marriage. He did not question Eve because it was Adam who the Lord held responsible for the marriage. Adam tried to blame Eve saying to God “the woman you gave me gave me the fruit so I ate it” but the Lord did not put the blame on Eve. God held Adam responsible for the marriage. Eve did get her own punishment for her own transgression but Adam was held responsible by God for the rest of humanity. The Lord punished all future generations because of his transgression.

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he led his wife Sarah in a direction that did not glorify God but lead her into adultery. Genesis 12 and 20 tells the story of how Abraham protects himself by having Sarah say that she is his sister because he believed that they would kill him in order to take her for themselves. He believed that they would spare him because of her being his brother. On two separate occasions, Abraham led his wife to adultery. Abraham should have lead his wife in the direction that would glorify the Lord in everything they did. Just as Christ leads His bride, the church, so should a husband do the same for his bride. Christ would never lead His church into sin and neither does a Godly husband. Husbands are to lead their brides in holiness and glorify the Lord with their marriage.

Husbands should not lead their wives in just any direction they choose but solely in the direction to glorify the Lord. We see this in the Bible again with Abraham and Sarah. Would it be right for you to deceive anyone saying that your wife was your sister in order to protect yourself from the people around you? Then Husbands should not lead their would it be right to allow wives in just any direction they your wife to be given to choose but solely in the direction someone else as their wife? to glorify the Lord. Absolutely not. This is just what Abraham did on two different occasions when

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s wives model themselves after God’s design for the church in their marriage, their husbands will be fully respected and blessed.

Wives, submit to your own husbands, as to the Lord. For the husband is the head of the wife even as Christ is the head of the church, his body, and is himself its Savior. 24Now as the church submits to Christ, so also wives should submit in everything to their husbands.” 22 23

Brides Role to Their Husbands The fact that I am a woman does not make me a different kind of Christian, But the fact that I am a Christian does make me a different kind of woman.” Elisabeth Elliot

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Ephesians 5:22-24 ESV

The Church Submits to Christ Ekklesia is the Greek word for the Christian church. What it means is the “called out ones”. The called out ones are the individuals whom the Lord has called unto himself to be redeemed and they all become the believers in the church. It is made up of male and female believers who are all different parts of the body of the church. Each are called by the Lord unto Himself and are redeemed and brought into a covenant relationship with God the Father through Jesus Christ. The church submits to Christ because He was placed head over Her by God the Father who is head over all creation. Jesus Christ will always fulfill His role of the bridegroom who loves, serves, leads and sanctifies His bride. The church is called to be set apart for Jesus in holiness and submission to His commands. As Jesus leads His church to glorify God, it is up to the church to submit to His leadership and walk in the path set before her.

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There is something liberating about submitting to There is something liberating Christ who is head over us. about submitting to Christ who His desire is for us to be holy is head over us. His desire is for as His Father is holy and will lead us in the direction of hous to be holy as His Father is holy and will lead us in the direction of liness. Jesus commands us to repent and sin no more and holiness. we must submit to it. As we submit to Christ, He leads and guides us into holiness, of which we cannot do on our own. Christ will never lead us into sin, or even into temptation because He desires us to never sin. As the church submits to Christ, she is free to be all that she was created to be. Before Jesus ascended into heaven, He commanded His church, “go and make disciples of all nations baptizing them in the name of the Father, the son, and the Holy Spirit.” We are commanded to tell others the good news about God and His Son Jesus Christ. As the bride goes about doing this for Jesus, she becomes more holy and more spotless because she submits to the One who is placed as head over her by the Father.

Bride Submits to Christ Both husbands and wives are called into submission in marriage. They are NOT called to “mutual submission” (as we learned earlier) but are called to submit to those who are called to lead over them. Wives are to submit to their husbands, husbands are to submit to Christ, and Christ is to submit to the Father (Luke 22:42). When done in this order, marriage is a blessed union by the Lord and marriage is in its true pure form. The wife is to submit to her husband, Christ, and the Father. The husband is to submit to Christ and the Father. Christ is to submit to the Father alone. To illustrate the point further, add children 194

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into the equation. Children submit to their mother, Father, Christ, and the Father. A simpler way to understand this is looking at this order in reverse order. The Father is over Christ, who is over the husband, who is over the wife, who is over the children. This is the Lord’s design for His creation from the beginning. Does the Father submit to Christ? No. Do wives submit to their children? No. Does Christ submit to the husbands? Absolutely not! Submission is a beautiful thing and one that the world, Satan, and sin are trying to distort, if not destroy. When done in the right way (Godly and righteous), submission frees those who are in submission because ultimately, all are submitting to the Father who is holy and perfect. Where this goes wrong is when sin enters into the marriage and corrupts this picture of submission in marriage. When it comes to the word submission, it is not a bad word such as bondage, slavery, indentured servant, etc. These are terms that are brought about from a sinful world and not one that comes from God’s creation. Before sin entered into the world, submission was a good word for the wife. If the husband is head of the wife, he is held responsible for the marriage as well as his wife. Just like a captain of the ship is head over all things in the ship, he is held responsible for the direction the ship goes. If the ship crashes, he is the only one that is ultimately liable for the ship, the crew, its passengers, and its cargo. In regards to weakness, the women being weaker than men have more to boast about. As the apostle Paul says in 2 Corinthians 12:10 “For the sake of Christ, then, I am content with weaknesses, insults, hardships, persecutions, and calamities. For when I am weak, then I am strong.” Even though women are called the weaker vessel, the men are not the definition of strong. In order to have a weaker person, you need to have a reference of something weak and then strong. So the Lord is the strong one, men are weak, and women are weaker. So take heart that when you are weak, the Lord is your strength. So boast in your weakness so that the Lord is glorified. God does not argue 195

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with you about how you should feel but that you should act in a certain way that is glorifying to Him. Paul gives us the understanding that wives are to submit to their husbands in everything (Ephesians 5:22-24). If the wife is led in the wrong direction by her husband, he is held responsible for himself, her, the marriage, and the family. How can the woman be held responsible for the marriage if the husband is the head? In the same way a captain is held responsible for everything regarding his ship, the husband is held responsible for everything in his marriage. When the wife submits to her husband, it is as if she is submitting to the Lord. 1 Corinthians 11:3 says “The head of every man is Christ, the head of a wife is her husband, and the head of Christ is God.” Christ is head over every husband and is to follow His example as a godly husband. It is much easier for a wife to follow the lead of a godly husband when he has Christ over him than it is to follow a husband who is an unbeliever who does not follow after Christ.

If a woman finds herself in a marriage with an unbeliever, her role does not change. She still is called to be submissive to her own husband. She has the ability to possibly win over her unbelieving husband without even saying a word. Her pure and respectful conduct will do all the talking for her.

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1 Peter 3 shows us how a believing spouse is to live with an unbelieving spouse. “Likewise, wives, be subject to your own husbands, so that even if some do not obey the Word, they may be won without a word by the conduct of their wives, 2when they see your respectful and pure conduct.” If a woman finds herself in a marriage with an unbeliever, her role does not change. She still is called to be submissive to her own husband. She has

Brides Role to Their Husbands

the ability to possibly win over her unbelieving husband without even saying a word. Her pure and respectful conduct will do all the talking for her. Her husband will see her as respectful and pure as she should be and this will be a witness to the husband of the goodness of God and hopefully help him to reach repentance and a saving faith in the Lord. Husbands are likewise to live in an understanding way with their wife showing them honor (1 Peter 3:7). If the husband finds that he is married to an unbeliever, he is to treat her as Christ treats His bride. In doing this, he will show her God’s goodness given to him by the Lord and help her to possibly reach repentance and a saving faith in Jesus Christ. If a believing husband does not treat his wife in an understanding way showing her honor, his prayers may be hindered because of his actions. Husbands and wives are both called to submit in marriage. Wives are to submit to their husbands, husbands are to submit to Christ, and Christ is to submit to God the Father.

The Church Is Spotless and Beautiful Christ loved the church and gave himself up for her, that he might sanctify her, having cleansed her by the washing of water with the Word, 27so that he might present the church to himself in splendor, without spot or wrinkle or any such thing, that she might be holy and without blemish.” 25b 26

Ephesians 5:25b-27 ESV Christ washes His bride with the Word so that she will become beautiful and spotless. He washes her with the Word, in order to cause a change in her to present to Himself as a beautiful and holy bride. As the bridegroom, He desires a pure and spotless bride just like He Himself. Jesus is holy, blameless, spot197

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less, and without wrinkle. He is perfect in every way and His desire for His bride is to be just as He is. The Church must allow Christ to cleanse it from all unrighteousness. When He washes her with the Word, she is to receive it because she is filthy and unrighteous without His cleansing. All of God’s Word is able to clean even the dirtiest and unrighteous person from their sins. It is by believing He will cleanse you that cleansing comes. The righteous will live by faith. When a church turns from the Word they were taught to another gospel, she is rejecting His love and care for her. Like Gomer turning away from the love of her husband Hosea, the church can reject her husband’s love and service to her.

Bride is Sanctified and Purified by Christ Charm is deceitful, and beauty is vain, but a woman who fears the LORD is to be praised.”

Proverbs 31:30 ESV

As the husband does his part to wash his bride with the Word, it is her responsibility to receive the Word and have it do a good work in her. In doing this, she does her part in becoming purified by the Word. In the same way the church can receive or reject the Word from the Lord, a wife can choose to not listen to the Word from her husband. A godly woman desires her husband to be a godly man and encourages him to read the Bible. In reading the Bible he will become more like Christ and as he reads it to her she would become more like the church is supposed to be towards Christ. No husband wants their wife to be like Gomer who leaves him for her lovers. A husband wants her all for himself because

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they are both one flesh. He belongs to her and she belongs to him. I personally feel fully blessed when my bride asks me to read the Word to her because she wants to be purified by it and wants me to be the godly husband I’m called to be. Beauty does not matter in regards to a godly life. Beauty will fade away just like a flower. What remains when the outward beauty fades is the character and inward beauty. A woman who fears the Lord is the type of woman a godly man desires. For a man ought not to cover his head, since he is the image and glory of God, but woman is the glory of man.” 1 Corinthians 11:7 ESV

The Hidden Person of the Heart Likewise, wives, be subject to your own husbands, so that even if some do not obey the Word, they may be won without a word by the conduct of their wives, 2 when they see your respectful and pure conduct. 3Do not let your adorning be external--the braiding of hair and the putting on of gold jewelry, or the clothing you wear-- 4but let your adorning be the hidden person of the heart with the imperishable beauty of a gentle and quiet spirit, which in God’s sight is very precious. 5 For this is how the holy women who hoped in God used to adorn themselves, by submitting to their own husbands, 6as Sarah obeyed Abraham, calling him lord. And you are her children, if you do good and do not fear anything that is frightening.” 1 Peter 3:1-6 ESV

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In Peter’s day, women were considered property. Women had no rights over their husbands nor did they have any civil rights. Wives were in subjection to their husbands no matter how badly they were treated. A wife could even be killed at the husband’s desire without any cause. Since property could be destroyed, a wife could be destroyed if she did anything her husband did not like. If a wife was divorced by her husband, she would have no real way to take care of herself because her husband was the one who supported the family. Women were not able to own property or have a job. Once a wife lost her husband through death or divorce, she was on her own with no way to support herself or her family. You can see how Jesus was concerned about His mother Mary as He was hanging on the cross. When Jesus saw his mother and the disciple whom he loved standing nearby, he said to his mother, “Woman, behold, your son!” 27Then he said to the disciple, “Behold, your mother!” And from that hour the disciple took her to his own home.”

John 19:26-27 ESV Jesus was concerned for His mother and it showed by His actions of protecting her from a future without a husband and Himself to watch over her. Jesus told His disciple, John who was the only disciple at the cross, that Mary would now be his mother. She would now be John’s responsibility and he would now look after her as if she was his natural mother. We do know that Jesus had half-brothers who could have provided for her but Jesus wanted a believer to care for His mother. It was only after Jesus’ resurrection that His half-brothers become believers (Acts 1:14). John became a son to Mary in Jesus’ place. Before we go further, let’s take a look at what submission is and what it is not. 200

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What submission is not: 1. Agreeing with everything the husband says/does 2. Losing all your “voice” after marriage 3. Not praying for change in your husband 4. Putting your husbands will before Christ’s will 5. Getting spiritual strength from your husband 6. Acting out of fear 7. Following a husband into sin What submission is: 1. God as your source of strength 2. Becoming what Christ intended for you: Gentle, Quiet, Fearless 3. Winsome (attractive or appealing) character 4. Peaceful, tranquil, pure, respectful, honoring to your husband In marriage, submission is the disposition (character) of a wife towards her husband. What this looks like is a wife who is lovely, gracious, gentle, and submissive. Not rude, argumentative, strong-willed, and disrespectful. We need to remember that wives are not lesser than men. Women are not property. In this passage, Peter was elevating women from a position of property and a second class citizen to being one with her husband in Christ. There is neither Jew nor Greek, there is neither slave nor free, there is no male and female, for you are all one in Christ Jesus.” Galatians 3:28 ESV 201

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1 Peter 3 explains how an unbelieving husband can actually be won over to Christ without saying even one word. All she needs to do is have her respectful and pure conduct be her words to her husband. A person cannot be argued into salvation and this especially goes for husbands and wives. Salvation comes through THE Word, not by a word. As a husband is to show love to his bride revealing Christ to her, a wife is to When a wife submits to her show her husband respect and submit to his headship husband, she is submitting to to show him Christ. When a God and His divine ability to wife submits to her husband, work through her to reach her she is submitting to God and His divine ability to work husband and children. through her to reach her husband and children.

Respectful Conduct Wives who are respectful bless their husbands by how they act and relate to their husband. Respect, like love, is an action. You show respect to someone in order for them to know your respect them. Just like love is an action, respect is also an action. Just saying the words “I respect you” to a husband has as little or as much meaning as “I love you” does to a wife. If a husband tells his wife “I love you” but his actions are contrary to what love is, then those words do not mean anything. The same goes with respect. When a wife says to her husband, “I respect you” and does not act respectfully, then those words do not mean anything to him. The respectful conduct of a wife to her husband can be a huge blessing to her husband. In the scripture referenced above, Peter tells all wives to be subject to their own husband. This is not being in subjection to, or a slave, or even be forced into sin 202

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from her husband. He is saying that women are to submit to their husbands out of respect and honor due to him because he is head over the marriage and family. This is the way for her to act in a respectful way to her husband honoring him by submitting to his authority as fitting in the Lord. Most men have the innate desire to be respected, when the respect comes from their bride, they feel a sense of value and purpose. He takes pride in being the leader and that he can be his bride’s “Knight in Shining Armor”. I personally feel very blessed when my bride treats me with respectful conduct. It fills my heart to know that she respects me as a man, husband, and the leader of the marriage. The more I feel respected, the more I have a desire to love and cherish her and show her that I am that “Knight in Shining Armor” she desires me to be.

Pure Conduct Wives who are pure bless their husbands with who they are. They have become pure as they have sought the Lord and have become more holy as God is holy. The word pure that Peter uses is hagnós and comes from the Greek and means: holy, pure to the core, chaste, pure inside and out, free from sin, and innocent. A wife who is “pure to the core” is someone who abhors sin and loves righteousness. She desires to be pure for the Lord and does not walk, or enter into, sin. She is pure for her husband just as the church is to be pure for her husband Christ. Jesus is fully satisfied in His church when she is blameless, spotless, and pure. Godly husbands are to be fully satisfied in their brides when they are blameless, spotless, and pure. A wife’s action and attitude toward her husband is to be blameless. Her husband, and all others, are unable to find any fault in her deeds and actions. Pure conduct is exampled by a wife who is fulfilling her role as the wife that God designed for her to be. She is not overbearing, controlling, demanding, ar203

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gumentative, and does not nag. She strives to be the model of a godly woman as described in Proverbs 31. An excellent wife who can find? She is far more precious than jewels. 11The heart of her husband trusts in her, and he will have no lack of gain. 12She does him good, and not harm, all the days of her life.”

Brides Role to Their Husbands

Many women have done excellently, but you surpass them all.”

Proverbs 31:29 ESV

Proverbs 31:10-12 ESV

An excellent wife is one that her husband can trust in because of her pure and respectful conduct, doing him good and not harm. He finds her more precious than anything in the world and can rest knowing she is pure in her actions and conduct in everything she does.

A wife who overspends continuously would not be a trustworthy wife. A wife who seeks out trouble, drugs, alcohol, sin, etc. would not be a trustworthy wife. A husband would not be able to rest knowing his wife has his best interest in heart if she does not always do good for him but rather does bad things against him. A wife who gossips, slanders, is malicious, vindictive, negative, stubborn, and the like would not help her husband rest because he must be always on guard against her.

He Can Rest In Her Who is the hidden person of the heart that a husband can rest in? It is what is on the inside of her that is precious and beautiful to her husband. Many women try to make themselves beautiful on the outside but that is only a cover for what is on the inside. Have you ever noticed that a woman who is beautiful on the inside is always beautiful on the outside no matter how “attractive” they look? Have you also ever noticed that a woman can have on the most expensive clothes, jewelry, make-up and the like and still be very unattractive because of their personality? This is what Peter is talking about. A wife should have her adorning, beauty, and value determined by what is inside her, not what is on the outside. That is what will bless her husband. Now, don’t hear what I am not saying. I am not saying that a wife does not have to take care of her physical appearance. On the contrary, when the inside of the person is clean, then the outside will also be clean. In Matthew 23:25, Jesus tells the Pharisees to “clean the inside of the cup and the plate, that the outside also may be clean.” The outside is a representation of what is on the inside of a woman. Along with the internal beauty on the inside, men naturally appreciate the physical beauty of their wives on the outside. She is to focus on being beautiful on the inside which will build a desire in her to be beautiful for her husband on the outside. When the hidden person of the heart is beautiful, everything about her is beautiful.

A wife of noble character is one that a husband can say:

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Gentle and Quiet Spirit Imagine this scene in your mind: A wife standing over her husband who is sitting on a couch while she proceeds to yell at him for not working. He has been this way for weeks now. He has not had a job for months and he has given up looking for a job. The bills are piling up, the kids shoes and clothes are falling apart, and the only thing they can afford to eat is beans and rice. His wife is telling him that he is no good, that she should have married someone else, and that she would be better off if he just died. She is now threatening to leave him if he doesn’t do what she is telling him to do. The back story is that he was laid off from his job of 25 years where he was one of the best employees the company had. His company went out of business and he has not been able to find a job because the economy is poor. The company could no longer afford to keep him and laid him off. At that same time, his Father passed away, his car broke down, his 401k was wiped out from the market crash, and his savings is now gone. This scene may be extreme but we see something like this happen in the Bible with Job. In the matter of a few days, Job lost his property, his animals, his children, his health, and his wife turns on him.

Brides Role to Their Husbands

and showed him that she was proud of who he is as a man? Her gentle and quite spirit would build him up and he will eventually become what she needs him to be. A gentle and quiet spirit is a wife who has the disposition of submission toward her husband. This disposition can be exemplified when a wife has the character of love, graciousness, tenderness, caring, patience, and submission to her husband. She will build him up to be the man she wants him to be while blessing him with the respect that he needs from her.

A gentle and quiet spirit is a wife who has the disposition of submission toward her husband. This disposition can be exemplified when a wife has the character of love, graciousness, tenderness, caring, patience, and submission to her husband.

The Church Is to Be the Helpmate

Job 2:9 ESV

As Eve was created to be Adam’s helpmate, the church is also the helpmate for Jesus. Jesus’ main objective was to seek and save the lost and give Himself as a ransom for many. In Matthew 9:13, Jesus says “go and learn what this means: ‘I desire compassion and not sacrifice’ for I came not to call the righteous but sinners”. The church is Christ’s helpmate when she seeks and saves the lost as He did. Jesus said to go out and make disciples of all nations and that was His desire for His church.

When a wife turns on a husband and does not have a gentle and quiet spirit, a husband may become mean or turn into a meek and timid man with no desire to provide for his family. The man on the couch did the latter. He became defeated and gave up. What would happen if his wife had a gentle and quite spirit towards him? What if she encouraged him, built him up,

The church fulfills her role as being His helpmate, when she helps in Christ’s mission to seek and save the lost. I am not talking about the church building or its employees but rather the body of believers. These are men and women in Christ who are called to go and make disciples of all nations baptizing them in the name of the Father, Son, and the Holy Spirit. The believ-

Then his wife said to him, “Do you still hold fast your integrity? Curse God and die.”

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ers who make up the church are Christ’s helpmate in seeking and saving the lost. When a body of believers becomes self-centered and is not making disciples, this church is not fulfilling the role it was called to be. Christ is not called to be the church’s helpmate and do the work for the church but rather the church is to do the work for Christ (Ephesians 4:11). Likewise, wives need to be their husband’s helpmate helping them to fulfill what God has called them to do.

The Bride is to be the Helpmate In the Garden of Eden, Adam needed someone to help him fulfill his duties and to be his companion. Eve was created by the Lord to fulfill that role. Adam was created first and then Eve was created from Adam. In no way is Eve inferior to Adam but she was created to help him while he manages God’s creation in the garden. Wives likewise must be their husbands’ helpmate. A wife is a helpmate when she helps her husband fulfill the role God has called them to be in. Again, do not hear what I’m not saying. I’m not saying the wife cannot have her own identity or be herself. What I am saying is, the husband is called to his role to love, serve, and lead his wife, and the wife is called to fulfill her role as God designed her. She is to help her husband be all that he is supposed to be in the Lord.

Brides Role to Their Husbands

A wife can help be the emotional support her husband needs in order for him to be the man God intended him to become. Even though men are not necessarily emotional beings, they need their wife’s emotional support. As a man goes about his days serving the Lord, there are bound to be ups and downs. There are some days where things go really well and some days where things don’t go so well. The husband needs to be able to count on his wife to support him and lift him up in prayer and encouragement. She does not cause him harm nor is contentious with him. She encourages him in all that he does to glorify the Lord. Because she is an excellent wife, he has the ability to trust her in everything she does. Imagine a wife who does not encourage her husband but puts him down constantly. Do you think he appreciates her for acting that way? Do you think it’s easy for him to act in a loving way towards a wife who is not trustworthy or discourages him? It is better to live in a desert land than with a quarrelsome and fretful woman.”

A continual dripping on a rainy day and a quarrelsome wife are alike; 16to restrain her is to restrain the wind or to grasp oil in one’s right hand.”

Emotional Support An excellent wife who can find? She is far more precious than jewels. 11The heart of her husband trusts in her, and he will have no lack of gain. 12She does him good, and not harm, all the days of her life.” 10

Proverbs 21:19 ESV

Proverbs 27:15-16 ESV

The Bible also says that is better to live on the corner of the roof than in a house with a quarrelsome wife. If she does not support him emotionally, he will begin to break down and have no desire to fulfill his role as a godly husband. The saying is true. “You can catch more flies with honey than with vinegar”. Wives

Proverbs 31:10-12 ESV 208

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must support their husbands emotionally so that he can be the man God intended them to be.

Brides Role to Their Husbands

But the Helper, the Holy Spirit, whom the Father will send in my name, he will teach you all things and bring to your remembrance all that I have said to you.”

Spiritual Support

John 14:26 ESV

She opens her mouth with wisdom, and the teaching of kindness is on her tongue.”

Proverbs 31:26 ESV A godly wife supports her husband with godly wisdom and counsel. He can trust her to help him discern the path the Lord has for him. She shares the same principles and values as her husband and can use her judgment to give him the best wisdom from her understanding of the Bible. Together they are able to raise godly children who follow the Lord in all that they do. She works with him as well as submits to his leadership and the decisions he makes for the family. There have been times in my marriage where my bride disagreed with a decision that I made. There is no greater way that my wife shows me respect than by telling me she completely disagrees with my decision but her faith is in the Lord and will submit to my decision instead of insisting on her own. There have only been a handful of times where I made a decision contrary to her wisdom. I will say though that my bride is much smarter than I am and she is very wise. Of those times that I did not go the direction she desired, I realize now that I should have taken her advice on a few of those decisions. This is not saying that she is to tell me what to do, rather that I should have taken the advice of my helpmate more to heart and examined the decision more closely. Being a helpmate is not a bad thing. God calls Eve a “Helper” in Genesis 2:18. Also, think of how the Holy Spirit is called “the Helper”. 210

The Lord is even called man’s helper in the Psalms. The LORD is on my side; I will not fear. What can man do to me? 7The LORD is on my side as my helper; I shall look in triumph on those who hate me. 6

Psalm 118:6-7 ESV Christ followers have been given the Holy Spirit (the Helper) and are able to listen to the spirit to discern the direction the Lord wants them to go. The Lord wants unity in your marriage and will give you unity through the Holy Spirit. When the spirit gives direction to one spouse he will usually give it to the other. When a husband and wife are both listening to the Spirit, they both usually come to the same conclusion. The husband is the head of the marriage and is responsible for the direction he leads it and is given a helper in his wife to lead well. When Melissa and I have a disagreement on a direction from the Lord I ask her to pray that the Lord would give me His wisdom in the direction we should go. In doing that, the Lord will work on both of us to lead the family in the right direction. A godly spouse helps her husband with spiritual decisions as well as prays for him regularly. Her husband is known in the gates when he sits among the elders of the land.”

Proverbs 31:23 ESV

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Prayer One of the best things a bride can do for her husband Above all, her prayers make her is to pray for him. There are dependent on the Lord to do His many things that a husband faces throughout the day that work through her husband. She is seeking the Lord to work in and he needs his wife’s prayers and support for. Above all, through her husband rather than her prayers make her depenher husband doing all the work dent on the Lord to do His work through her husband. himself. She is seeking the Lord to work in and through her husband rather than her husband doing all the work himself. Your marriage is different than others so you should seek the Lord on how you should pray for your husband and family. Here are some ideas for you to pray for your husband about • His relationship with the Lord • For him to be the spiritual leader of the family • The Lord to bless your husband • For him to love and nourish you as his bride • Make wise decisions • Build up and encourage his children • The Lord to bless him emotionally, mentally, and physically • For him to provide for his family • Protection from the evil one and temptation • For you to respect and honor him as unto the Lord

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Physical Support She looks well to the ways of her household and does not eat the bread of idleness. 28Her children rise up and call her blessed; her husband also, and he praises her:” 27

Proverbs 31:27-29 ESV The managing of a household is more than a full-time job. It is an all the time job, one that most men are not cut out for. I am fully blessed with my wife because she manages the household well saving me from having to do it. Think about it. The feeding, clothing, cleaning, directing, planning, etc. is nonstop. There have been days where I would wake up at midnight to find my wife working hard managing the household. I would love to have her come to bed and sleep next to me but I understand that she has things that she needs to do for the family. Similarly, I wake up early in the morning while she’s asleep to take care of the things that I need to do. So I would have younger widows marry, bear children, manage their households, and give the adversary no occasion for slander.” 1 Timothy 5:14 ESV The care, feeding, and instruction of our children are of big importance to both of us. This alone is a more than a full-time job. I can’t even count how many times Melissa had to wake up in the middle of the night to take care of one or more of our four children. God bless her, she did that willingly knowing that I had to go to work the next day and she wanted to support me by allowing me to get a good night’s sleep so I can work hard for the family the next day.

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Wives do things most husbands are incapable of doing. Physically supporting her husband is what a godly wife does.

Sexual Support

Many women have done excellently, but you surpass them all.” 30Charm is deceitful, and beauty is vain, but a woman who fears the Lord is to be praised.”

Proverbs 31:29-30 ESV The only way a husband should have a physical release is with his bride. When not provided sexual support, a husband may look to other means for that physical release. It could be masturbation and pornography or even adultery with another woman. The sexual needs for the husband and wife should only be through each other and not through any other means. Jesus Christ said even if you look at a woman with lust you are committing adultery in your heart. There are times where husbands need a physical release when the wife does not feel “in the mood”. This can be also seen the other way when the wife needs an emotional release but the husband does not feel “in the mood”. In both cases service and support to your spouse is needed. Even though a husband may have had a long day and may not feel up to giving the emotional release for his wife, it is his duty to do so. Likewise, it is the wife’s duty to provide her husband with a physical release. The Apostle Paul explains how Satan can use lack of sexual intimacy as a means to get a foothold in your marriage (1 Corinthians 7:5) . If your marriage goes for prolonged periods of time without sexual intercourse, sinful flesh and desires, come into either the husband or wife’s mind and will give Satan a foothold. Wives are called to support their husbands sexually.

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Growing Your Marriage Bless Your Spouse Daily the Way They Desire The goal in marriage is not to think alike, but to think together.” Robert C. Dodds

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ouldn’t it be nice if your spouse did three things every day because they wanted to bless you? If they did, I am sure you would feel more loved, respected, and fulfilled in your marriage? Likewise, what if there were three things you could do every day for your spouse that would make them feel blessed? In my marriage, Melissa and I worked together to come up with different ways that we can each bless the other on a daily basis. These three things don’t take a tremendous amount of work or time but they have had a tremendous impact on our marriage. Many years ago, we read a book together called “The Five Love Languages” by Gary Chapman. This is a fantastic book that helps couples to understand how people give and receive love. Melissa and I began to understand how we both give and receive love. It turned out that the way that I give love is not the way that she receives it, and vice versa. Neither of us are wrong or right in the way we give or receive love. We are both individuals who were created differently with different gifts and personalities. Because of “The Five Love Languages”, which I highly recommend you read, we learned how to bless each other on a daily basis. To give you an example: In our marriage, we figured out how we each received love. Through a few “Couples Huddles” we decided to fulfill that love for the other each day. We worked together to come up with three specific things we could do for the other. I did not dictate to her what I needed but communicated my feelings and desires and she found ways she could show me love on her own. I did the same for her as we worked together to come up with three specific things we could bless each other with daily. What we found, was that she receives her love through “quality time” and “physical touch”. When I do three things each day to fulfill these areas, she feels blessed and loved. I on the other hand, receive love through “acts of service”. When she does 216

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three things each day to fulfill my love language, I feel respected, honored, and blessed in my marriage. The three things I do for my bride each day are: 1. Spend time with her relaxing on the couch for at least an hour once the kids are in bed (Quality Time) 2. Sit next to her on the couch and physically touch her while we are relaxing together (Physical Touch) 3. Cuddle with her in our bed before I go to work in the morning (Physical Touch and Quality Time) The three things my bride does for me each day are: 1. Clean the kitchen and have the sink and counters empty of all dishes (Acts of Service) 2. Make our bed in the morning after she gets out of bed (Acts of Service) 3. Changes out of her pajamas and gets dressed for me with makeup and does her hair (Acts of Service) Once we both found out what our love languages were and how we could fulfill them, many of our arguments and “intense fellowships” stopped. When we first got married, I had no idea that having a clean kitchen was so important to me. I also had no idea that quality time was extremely important to her. Once we realized this, we worked together to find three simple ways that we could fulfill them, so that we could bless each other. What helped us to realize what we could do to fulfill each other’s love language, was when we figured out how most of our arguments started. Once we got down to the root of our irritants, we were able to find ways we could serve the other thus fulfilling the other’s love language. For us, it seemed as though arguments would happen when I got home from work. Melissa thought that it was because I was unloving and didn’t care for her feelings. I felt as though she didn’t respect me and was sit217

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ting at home, eating ice cream and watching TV all day while I was hard at work. We eventually realized my mood had nothing to do with work, but everything to do with what I saw when I got home.

ple statements, such as, “You look great in that suit,” or “You must be the best baker in the world! I love your oatmeal cookies,” or “You pay such good attention to detail!” are sometimes all a person needs to hear to feel loved.

Every day when I got home from work, I would be in a good mood until I saw that the kitchen sink was full of dirty dishes. The funny thing was, the rest of the house was completely clean and looking beautiful but the kitchen was a mess, so I was a mess. Even though Melissa had been home cleaning the house all day making it look terrific, every time there were any dirty dishes in the sink my mood would change because it made me feel anxious and upset. There was just something in me that made me feel like I couldn’t rest and that I was not being respected every time the kitchen sink was not clean by the time I came home.

Aside from verbal compliments, another way to communicate through “words of Affirmation” is to offer encouragement. Here are some examples: reinforcing a difficult decision; calling attention to progress made on a current project; acknowledging a person’s unique perspective on an important topic. If a colleague listens for “words of Affirmation,” offering encouragement will help him or her to overcome insecurities and develop greater confidence.

Being a young husband, I would come home and say: “What have you been doing all day? The house is a mess!” This was not really true because Melissa was home all day cleaning the house. The only thing she did not do was clean the dishes. It turns out that my desire was to have the dishes cleaned and out of the sink. Now I was able to express to her what she could do to help me feel respected and blessed in our marriage every day. Praise the Lord, my bride now does this almost every day and I come home feeling terrific!

Types of words used to show love to your spouse: • Encouraging words • Kind words • Humble words • Appreciative words Ways to use these words: • Ask, don’t demand. • Your tone of voice is just as important as the words you use.

As you go through these love languages, I encourage you to think about how you give and receive love. Also think about how your spouse gives and receives love.

• Praise your spouse in front of other people.

Words of Affirmation

• Create a list of positive things your spouse does and tell them of your appreciation for them.

• Confess your wrongs and ask for forgiveness. Forgive. • Create a list of affirming words that you can use.

Mark Twain once said “I can live for two months on a good compliment.” Verbal appreciation speaks powerfully to persons whose primary Love Language is “words of Affirmation.” Sim-

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Quality Time

Togetherness

Quality time is more than mere proximity. It’s about focusing all your energy on the recipient. Unless all of your attention is focused on your recipient, even a designated meeting for two can come and go without a minute of quality time being shared. Quality conversation is very important in a healthy marriage. It involves sharing experiences, thoughts, feelings and desires in a friendly, uninterrupted context. A good partner will not only listen, but offer advice and respond to assure they are truly listening. Often others don’t expect you to solve their problems. They need a sympathetic listener. An important aspect of quality conversation is self-revelation. In order for you to really communicate, you must also be in tune with your inner emotions. It is only when you understand your emotions and inner feelings will you then be able to share quality conversation, and quality time with another. Quality activities are a very important part of quality time. Many people feel most valued when they spend physical time together, doing activities that they enjoy doing. Spending time together will bring two people closer, and, in the years to come, will fill up a memory bank that you can reminisce about in the future. Whether it’s sitting on the couch and having a brief conversation or working together on a grant. Find what your spouse would like Quality time can be spent doing to do for their quality time that anything that makes the other makes them feel loved.

person feel loved.

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Quality time can be spent doing anything that makes the other person feel loved.

• Just being in the same room is not togetherness • Connect with your spouse Quality Conversation • Listen for feelings • Observe body language • Refuse to interrupt • Focus on listening – Not on what you are going to say • Maintain eye contact when your spouse is talking • Don’t listen to your spouse while doing something else at the same time Learn to Talk • Focus on sharing your feelings Understand your spouse’s personality type • If you are a talker, learn to listen • If you are a non-talker, learn to share your feelings

Receiving of Gifts Some people respond well to visual symbols of respect and caring. If you speak this love language, you’re more likely to treasure any gift as an expression of trust and acknowledgment. People who speak this love language often feel that a lack of gifts represents a lack of love. If you want to become an effective gift giver, you may have to change your attitude about money. If you are naturally a spender, you’ll have no trouble buying gifts. However, a person who is used to investing and saving their money may have a tough time

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adjusting to the concept of spending money as an expression of caring. These people must understand that you are investing the money not in gifts, but in deepening your marriage. The gift of self is an important symbol of love. Sometimes all another person desires are for someone to be there for them, going through the same trials and experiencing the same things. These gifts do not need to come every day, or even every week. They don’t even need to cost a lot of money. Free, frequent, expensive, or rare, if the other relates to the language of receiving gifts, any visible sign of your love will leave them feeling encouraged and secure in your marriage. Gifts are symbols of Love to the receiver Wedding rings are symbols and a gift Gifts and Money The amount can be big or small depending on the person receiving the gift Something you bought, found, or made Should be the thought that counts, not the gift Gifts should be regular and random and can be a surprise Regular could be daily small gifts Random could be weekly larger gifts Surprising could be monthly big gifts

Acts of Service Sometimes simple chores around the house can be an undeniable expression of support. Even simple things like taking out the trash require some form of planning, time, effort, and

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energy. Doing humble chores can be a very powerful expression of love and respect. It is very important to understand what acts of service the other person most appreciates. Even though a spouse helps the other around the house, there may still be misunderstandings because they are not speaking the language the person needs to hear. For example, the husband may love it when his wife has the kitchen clean when he gets home and that is how he feels loved. The wife may be trying to fulfill his love language by doing the laundry, picking up the kids toys, rearranging the shelves in the closet, etc. Because his love language is fulfilled by the act of cleaning the kitchen before he gets home, she is not speaking his language. It is important to understand that acts of service will show your respect and love. It’s important to do these acts of service out of consideration, not obligation; to perform these acts out of the kindness of your heart. Someone who does chores and helps out of guilt or fear will inevitably not be speaking a language of regard, but a language of resentment. Demonstrating acts of service can mean stepping out of the stereotypes. They may require a person to humble him/herself into doing some chores or services not usually expected of them. However, these little sacrifices will mean the world to another and ensure a happy relationship. Examples for Husbands to do for their Wives: Open her door and pull out her chair Carry in groceries, - carry anything! Help with house chores (before she asks) Mow the yard, wash the car

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Wake up early and make breakfast for the kids Offer to help with errands Examples for Wives to do for their Husbands: Have the house clean when he gets home Do the laundry weekly Make sure the kids are clean Exercise and take care of yourself Have the dinner started before he gets home Offer to do errands.

Physical Touch A person with the love language of physical touch feels love when they receive physical contact from their spouse. A soft touch on the back makes many spouses feel secure and admired. In any marriage, it is important to discover how the other responds to physical touch. Some touches are irritating and uncomfortable. If your spouse has the language of physical touch, learn how they desire to be touched and what makes them feel loved. They can be big acts, such as back massages, or little acts such as a touch of a hand on the shoulder. Learn how your spouse responds to touch. That is how you will make the most of this love language. Physical touch is very important. A tender hug or kiss on the cheek can communicate an immense amount of love for the receiver. A spouse whose primary love language is physical touch would much rather have you hold their hand or give them a pat on the arm and be silent than offer any advice. Like all love languages, this love language is different for everyone. The type

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of touch that makes you feel secure isn’t necessarily what will make someone else happy. The interesting thing about touch is that it can communicate both love or hate. Lack of physical touch can cause your spouse to feel unloved and unwanted. A good exercise for you would be to ask your spouse what types of physical touch is best fulfilling to him or her. Do they like having their back rubbed, or hand held, or even a gentle kiss on the shoulder. These can all be ways to express love through touch. It would also be good to know how often your spouse desires physical touching. Is it whenever you are sitting close to each other, when you walk past them, driving in the car, etc. The key is to understand how your spouse receives love through physical touch and try to fulfill that the best you can.

Explorer How You Can Fulfill Your Spouses Love Language Whatever your spouses’ primary love language is, it is your job to speak that language to them daily so you can fulfill their love language. Talk with your spouse and have them give you three to four ways you can fulfill their love language each day. These should be things that can be done on a daily basis. Also, have your spouse list one or two ways you can speak their love language once a week. Words of Affirmation Daily words of affirmation Weekly words of affirmation 1. 1. 2. 2. 3. 4.

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Quality Time Daily quality time

Weekly quality time

1. 1.

2. 2. 3. 4. Receiving Gifts Daily gifts Weekly gifts 1. 1. 2. 2. 3. 4. Physical Touch Daily physical touch

Weekly physical touch

1. 1. 2. 2. 3. 4. Acts of Service Daily acts of service

Weekly acts if service

1. 1. 2. 2. 3.

The Act Of Two Becoming One Sexual expression within a marriage is not an option or an extra. It is certainly not, as it has sometimes been considered, a necessary evil in which spiritual Christians engage only to procreate children. It is far more than a physical act. God created it to be the expression an experience of love on the deepest human level and to be a beautiful and powerful bond between husband and wife.â&#x20AC;? John MacArthur

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The act of becoming one in flesh is the physical union of a man and woman in sexual intercourse. Their flesh is joined together and are now connected and unified. Only in a Godly marriage of a man and woman is sexual intercourse considered holy. All other forms of physical union in sex is considered fornication and sin. There are many blessings that come from this union of sexual intercourse. The creation of Godly children, unity between the spouses, intimacy and pleasure, protection from immorality, and companionship. As a husband and wife fully enjoy each other in their marriage they will be blessed by the Lord in all these areas of their lives.

The Creation of Godly Children The other purpose for marriage is to make babies and everything that entails. Adam and Eve were created to walk with God from the very beginning and likewise, their children were meant to walk with God forever. It was not until sin entered the world that mankind was separated from God. Even though mankind separated from God, the purpose of marriage to create godly children was still in effect. The Lord does not want any to perish but for all to be saved (1 Timothy 2:4) and especially for the children of believers. Many people have heard Deuteronomy 11:18 “You shall therefore lay up these words of mine in your heart and in your soul, and you shall bind them as a sign on your hand, and they shall be as frontlets between your eyes.” This is a fantastic verse that helps believers to realize that the Word of God should be read daily and put into their hearts and into their soul. Finding the Lord’s Words on your hand and as frontlets between your eyes means that everything you do should be seen through God’s Word. If you have a decision to make about your job, you

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can’t help but run the decision through the Word because God’s Word is right in front of your eyes. If you reach out to move into a certain direction, God’s Word is there on your hand to direct and guide you in the way you should go. This verse was not meant to be read alone. The next verses show the main context of verse 18 and helps Christ followers to realize they need to raise godly children that love the Lord. Verse 18 is only one verse, and the next three verses show how you need to apply this to your life and marriage. Here it is in context with the other verses. You shall therefore lay up these words of mine in your heart and in your soul, and you shall bind them as a sign on your hand, and they shall be as frontlets between your eyes. 19You shall teach them to your children, talking of them when you are sitting in your house, and when you are walking by the way, and when you lie down, and when you rise. 20You shall write them on the doorposts of your house and on your gates, 21that your days and the days of your children may be multiplied in the land that the LORD swore to your Fathers to give them, as long as the heavens are above the earth.”

Deuteronomy 11:18-21 Immediately after we are told how to apply God’s Word to our lives, we are instructed that we are to teach them to our children every single moment of our life. You shall teach them to your children by talking with them while you’re sitting in your house, when you’re

You shall teach them to your children by talking with them while you’re sitting in your house, when you’re walking around, when you lie down, and when you get up in the morning.

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walking around, when you lie down, and when you get up in the morning. We are to have God’s Word written on our door posts and gates of our house so that when we’re coming and going from our house God’s Word is the first and last thing we see. Our home needs to be devoted to the Lord and a place of instruction for our children for them to know the Lord. Basically every moment you have with your child should be instructing them in the ways of the Lord because the Lord wants godly offspring.

Unity Jesus says that a house divided against itself will fall (Mark 3:25). If the husband and wife are not united in marriage, there will be problems and issues that arise because the house is divided. Marriage brings two beings into unity with each other and to the Lord. Both spouses need to be “on the same page” with each other in the marriage. I have found in my marriage, when my beautiful wife and I are not on the same page, more often than not we are going in the wrong direction. When believers are united in marriage, they become one flesh (Genesis 2:24-15) working toward the goal of fulfilling the purpose of marriage the way the Lord designed. When two believers are married, the Holy Spirit unites the two of them in humility and service to each other with the bond of peace that brings unity where there was disunity. Because each spouse has the Holy Spirit, the Holy Spirit will bring unity to the marriage. If one spouse feels led in a direction that the Holy Spirit is leading them, the Holy Spirit should be leading the other spouse in the same direction. In my marriage I have experienced the Lord bringing unity through the Holy Spirit uniting us in one spirit. If I feel called in a particular direction or with a specific decision, the Lord

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usually leads my bride in the same direction with the same decision. With both of us seeking the direction of the Holy Spirit, the Lord will give us both the understanding of the direction he wants us to go. It must be said that there will be times when you and your spouse disagree on a specific decision or direction you are to take. You feel the right thing to do is to go one direction and your spouse feels it is right to go the opposite. After prayer and discussion, you both have not come to the same conclusion and decision. It is ultimately the husband’s call to make the final decision because he is called to be the head of the marriage and will ultimately be held responsible for his decision. God will hold the husband ultimately responsible for all decisions that he makes regarding the marriage and his family. He is not going to be held accountable to whether or not he listened to the wisdom of a wife but he will be held accountable for the final decision he made whether he listens to his spouse or not. On the contrary, Genesis 3:17 says something very specific about Adam listening to the voice of his wife. And to Adam he said, “Because you have listened to the voice of your wife and have eaten of the tree of which I commanded you, ‘You shall not eat of it,’ cursed is the ground because of you; in pain you shall eat of it all the days of your life;”

Genesis 3:17 ESV Did you catch that? The Lord specifically said to Adam, “Because you listened to the voice of your wife”. Adam did not sin because he listened to the voice of his wife, but sinned when he listened to Eve’s voice over the Lord’s voice. The Lord specifically told Adam not to eat of the fruit. Adam decided not to listen to the Lord but to listen to his wife who tempted him to sin.

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So the husband is ultimately held responsible for So the husband is ultimately the way the marriage will go held responsible for the way the and the decisions he makes, marriage will go and the decisions or does not make. If the husband allows his wife to make he makes, or does not make all the decisions for him and those decisions turn out to be detrimental to the family, the husband is held responsible not his wife. If a husband listens to his wife over the voice of God he will be held accountable just like Adam was. Don’t hear what I’m not saying. I am not saying that husbands should not listen to their wives in any circumstances. What I am saying is that the husband, when listening to his wife for wisdom should make her voice second to the voice of the Lord. If the Lord is telling the husband one thing, and the wife is telling him the opposite, he will enter into sin if he does not listen to the Lord and instead listens to his wife. There has been a handful of times in our marriage that I have had to make a decision contrary to the way my bride wants to go. When I say a handful of times, I mean three or four times that I had to say to my beautiful bride, “Thank you and I appreciate your wisdom and opinion but I feel the Lord leading us to go this direction.” This is a time where I will brag about my amazing wife. In the few times I’ve actually had to say that, she replies “I completely disagree with that decision but because God put you as the head over the marriage I will have faith in the Lord that He is guiding you in the direction He wants us to go.” My wife is not putting her trust in me and my decision but in the Lord. She is called to be my helpmate and realizes that the ultimate decision is mine and I will ultimately be held responsible by the Lord for my decision. I must also brag about the fact that my wife is often right and full of wisdom. Half of the times that 232

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I did not listen to the wisdom of my wife, I found that I should have listened to her because the decision I made was not the best if not wrong. If a husband wants his wife to commit a sin against the Lord, he is not being led by God. Let’s say that the husband desires his wife to enter into a sinful relationship with another couple. The husband wants their marriage to be an open marriage where they both agree to have sexual relations with other people outside of their marriage. This type of decision is a sin against the Lord and is contrary to His design for marriage. A godly husband would never ask his bride to enter into sin. A godly woman would never enter into sin because her husband is the head of the marriage and makes a decision that causes them both to sin. The main point of all this is that the Lord calls us to unity in marriage and will ultimately hold the husband responsible in all areas of the marriage. I encourage you to not act like Adam and sacrifice relationship with God in order to have unity with your spouse.

Intimacy and Pleasure When the Lord created Adam and Eve He created the process of sexual intercourse between a man and woman in marriage. After he created the marriage and sexual intercourse, the Lord saw all He created was good. Genesis 2:31 “And God saw everything that he had made, and behold, it was very good.” Sex was created by God to be enjoyed by man and wife and the Lord called it very good. We are living in a world where sex is prevalent and is not something people are ashamed to talk openly about. It wasn’t much more than 70 years ago that sex was something that people did not talk about. Back then, it seemed as though sex was

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seen only as a means of procreation and should not be used in terms of pleasure and intimacy. I believe the reason for this is because of sin and how the world distorts Godâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;s original intent for sex. When sex is used outside the confines of marriage between man and woman, it is fornication and is a sin against the Lord. In a Godly marriage though, sex between a man and a woman is not sin because that is the original intent for sex. The Lord gives us a Song of Solomon (Song of Songs) as His explanation of how sex is to be used in marriage. We see vivid imagery of a husband to his bride in the love that he has for her as well as her desire for him. This section of Scripture shows how a relationship develops from the beginning of a relationship between a man and woman to their getting engaged, to their being married and one in flesh. Solomon is the man in the Scripture that delights in his bride and looks at her with loving affection. The bride, who is from Lebanon, also delights in Solomon and desires him above all other men. Solomon and his bride have playful fun, and delightful exchanges of their love together and give us a picture of how God intended marriage to be and how sex was to be enjoyed. An easy way to understand how sex was intended for pleasure for both parties involved is to think of how much pleasure sex brings the husband and wife. If it were not intended for pleasure, why would the Lord have made it so pleasurable? If it was not intended for pleasure the Lord would have made it a hard, painful, and arduous act that most would only enter into when they desired to conceive a child. Because the Lord said everything that He created was good, the pleasure of sex in the confines of the marriage is a good thing. Sex was also created for intimacy in marriage. There is no more intimate act than the act of sexual intercourse between 234

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a husband and a wife. Intimacy is an emotional, physical, and spiritual closeness with your spouse. It is a very personal and private act that brings the husband and wife together to become one in flesh. Without the union of the man and woman in sexual intercourse, the marriage is not complete. Sexual intercourse was created as a byproduct of the marriage of the husband and wife to fulfill many of their needs. Only in marriage, will true intimacy be reached by two people as designed by the Lord. To fully go through the book of Song of Solomon would be an entirely different book because there is so much to learn. To gain more understanding of the pleasure and intimacy sex brings into the marriage, I encourage you to read Song of Solomon to see the entire picture the Lord wanted to give about marriage and sex.

Protection from Sexual Immorality Marriage also helps to protect us from sexual immorality and having sex outside of the biblical definition of marriage. Any form of sex outside of marriage is fornication, immoral, and is a sin against the Lord. Both heterosexual and homosexual intercourse outside the biblical definition of marriage is a sin in the eyes of the Lord. Jesus says that even if you look at a woman with lust you have already committed adultery in your heart (Matthew 5:28) and have committed a sin. Ultimately, the Lord wants all of His creation to be without sin and the only way for sexual intercourse to be considered not a sin is in the confines of the biblical definition of marriage between one man and one woman. In 1 Corinthians 7 the apostle Paul gives us the understanding that marriage will help keep believers from temptation into sexual immorality. The temptation to enter into sexual immorality is a great problem for many men and women. Pornography is prevalent all over the Internet and the ability to commit adultery seems to be easier and easier as the morality in the world lessens. 235

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Because the husband and wife are one in marriage, their bodies are not solely their own anymore but belong to the other. By delighting in your spouse in sexual intercourse, temptation will not have as much of a pull on you toward sin because your spouse is fulfilling the needs that you have. In marriage, the husband and wife are not to deprive each other of sexual intercourse because that will give Satan a foothold into their marriage. (1 Corinthians 7:5) The only time that you should refrain from sexual intercourse is for you both to devote yourselves to prayer and to the Lord for a limited time. But after that limited time, you are to come back together in sexual intercourse because your self-control may be lacking and Satan will tempt you into sin. This is a big deal because when sexual sin comes into your marriage, Satan is fully between you and your spouse trying to separate you because he hates marriage. The first time Satan ever attacked humans was by attacking the marriage making Adam choose between his wife and God. When it comes to your temptation to sin, turn to your spouse as the blessing they are and engage in sexual intercourse to protect your marriage and to enrich it. But because of the temptation to sexual immorality, each man should have his own wife and each woman her own husband. 3The husband should give to his wife her conjugal rights, and likewise the wife to her husband. 4For the wife does not have authority over her own body, but the husband does. Likewise, the husband does not have authority over his own body, but the wife does. 5Do not deprive one another, except perhaps by agreement for a limited time, that you may devote yourselves to prayer; but then come together again, so that Satan may not tempt you because of your lack of self-control.â&#x20AC;? 2

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Just like the wife needs an emotional release, husbands need a physical release. Men are created as physical beings and need to have a sexual release with their wife. Depending on the husband, he may need a physical release as often as once a day or as little as once a week. Wives, it is up to you to learn that about your spouse. Neither the wife nor the husband is to withhold the others conjugal rights from each other. It is not to be used as a weapon or a treat at the end of a stick. It is to be used as a blessing to both the husband and wife. If the husband is being taken care of physically by his wife, he would have no need to look anywhere else for his physical release. There are many marriages where the desire for physical and emotional release is reversed. I have known husbands who need to have the emotional release and wives who need to have the physical release. In all cases though, each spouse should know what the other needs at all times. If your wife needs physical release AND emotional release from you, your job as a husband is to fulfill this need. The same goes for wives who should help her husband and fulfill all his needs as he does for her.

Companionship and Friendship My bride is my best friend and my lifelong companion as I am to her. When something goes good for me, she is the first one I tell. When something goes bad for me she is the first one there to help me through it. She is also my helpmate to get me through all the things that come up in life as well as being her companion and leader to help her through life. We both complement each other and give each other companionship and friendship that we both need. Thereâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;s no one else I would rather share all of my desires, secrets, or intimate thoughts with. Melissa and I were blessed that our love for each other started with friendship with the ability of being able to talk with each other for hours day after day. 237

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Our marriage started with the development of our relationship as friends. Our marriage was built on our conversations which developed a new friendship which then developed into a love for each other. As all friendships go, we have had days where it’s hard to be around each other because we were having intense fellowships with each other. Even though those days happen our friendship still remains because we are one in flesh. As Paul stated in Ephesians 5: “No one ever hated his own flesh.” Husbands are called to companionship and a friendship with their wife. The first problem in all creation was when the Lord said that it is not good for man to be alone. Man was not created to be an island unto himself with no one there to be with him. We are all created as connected beings together and marriage brings closeness and a bond between a husband and wife.

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Healthy marriages devote plenty of time to the friendship as well as the intimacy in the relationship. It could be going on date nights where you leave the kids at home and just the two of you go and do something fun together. You can develop your friendship with your spouse with something as simple as playing a game of cards together or a favorite board game. Just like any friendship, it takes intentional work to build the friendship and continue the relationship. Marriage is no different. You must work at your friendship by putting time and effort into developing a relationship with your spouse to strengthen your relationship and ultimately your marriage.

Friendship brings honesty, companionship, vulnerFriendship brings honesty, ability, and mutual respect companionship, vulnerability, and into the marriage relationship. Friends do things tomutual respect into the marriage gether shoulder to shoulder relationship. looking in the same direction with the same common goal. A successful marriage must have the friendship component be a part of it to be successful and healthy. Without the friendship of your spouse, your marriage will begin to become rigid and stale because more than likely you may not like being around each other. Without friendship marriages can become somewhat of a symbiotic relationship rather than a marriage. Each person is there just for their own benefit and to get out something in return for what they put in. It can even become a type of business relationship where goods and services are produced for each other at a price and the original intent of marriage is gone.

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here are many things we can do to grow, strengthen, and enrich our marriage. Many people will read this book, know what the design for marriage is and not implement it. We and many other couples we have counseled can attest to how amazing marriage can be when we live the way the Lord designed marriage. I personally have grown tremendously as I have lived into my role as a husband. The health of my marriage and the strength of my relationship to my bride have grown to be a major blessing to both of us.

Living Into the Meaning and Purpose of Marriage Love is like a friendship caught on fire. In the beginning a flame, very pretty, often hot and fierce, but still only light and flickering. As love grows older, our hearts mature and our love becomes as coals, deep-burning and unquenchable.” Joseph Addison

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The “Growing Your Marriage” sections of this book are designed to help you implement God’s meaning and purpose into your marriage. These sections will help you to put into practice the principles taught in this book. Melissa and I have implemented all of these growth items into our marriage. It didn’t happen overnight. It took intentional thought and purposeful planning to do so. Even if you implement just one of the “Growing Your Marriage” sections into your marriage, you will be greatly blessed to see the effects it will have on your marriage. A marriage is fully blessed from God when the husband and wife follow the meaning and purpose He created for it. Now that we understand that there are different roles that the husband and wife are to play, it’s up to us to live into those roles to bless our marriage and glorify God. Husbands are called to love their brides as Christ loves His church and wives are to submit to their husbands as the church submits to Christ. All the things that Christ does for His bride; love, serve, lead, sanctify, and sacrifices Himself for her, husbands are to do for their brides. All the things that the church is to do for her husband, Christ, wives are to do for their husbands. The meaning and purpose of marriage is simple: Husbands and wives are to live into the roles the Lord has given them and their marriage is meant to glorify God. Learning about marriage is only half of the battle. The rest is applying God’s mean241

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Living Into the Meaning and Purpose of Marriage

ing and purpose into your marriage and fulfill the roles God has given each of you to live in.

husband values. Respect your husband and show him honor as the head of the marriage. Be his helpmate and build him up to be the man the Lord created him to be.

Closing

Couples, I encourage you to live into the way of a lasting marriage with your spouse by following the Lord. Put into practice the principles and practical direction given here in this book.

I truly believe that living into the meaning and purpose of marriage will make absolutely every marriage better. I have seen it in my own marriage and many others. Personally, I have changed to become a better husband as I grow into my role as a loving, nourishing, cherishing, and serving husband. I am not saying I have learned everything or changed to be the best version of myself, but rather I have much more growth ahead of me. We all have growing we can do. Until the day we die, we can continue to grow to be a better spouse.

God bless you as you seek to glorify the Lord with your marriage and serve your spouse over yourselves. Let’s make all of our marriages, lasting marriages.

Repeat after me: “I will never be perfect.” “My spouse will never be perfect.” “My marriage will never be perfect.” “Only Jesus Christ is perfect.” “My spouse and I must strive to be like Jesus Christ.” We all must strive to be like Jesus Christ and strengthen our marriages by walking in the meaning and purpose the Lord intended for each of our marriages. Husbands, I encourage you to love your bride as Christ loves His church and gave himself up for her. Wash her with the reading of the Word. Serve her as Christ serves His church. Lead her as Christ leads His church into righteousness. Cherish her, desire her, and bless her. You are to do all these things as Christ would do unto His bride. Wives, I encourage you to submit to your husband as fitting in the Lord. Let the hidden person of your heart be what your 242

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