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“The Hollywood of the South.” It’s a branding that’s been stuck on Atlanta in recent years, as more film and television productions make their way to our city and surrounding parts of the state. Places you see everyday are now becoming the backdrop to your fave films.
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QUEER ZOMBIES TO MILITARY MEN
Keith Bailey makes homoerotic supernatural films. Tim Everett is making poignant films about subjects that affect us everyday. Both are making strides to push their views and agendas on the Atlanta film scene.
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LISA LAMPANELLI
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AFTER THE SASHAY: A RECAP
All right squirrel friends, we’re at the final three, but our final four queen, Kennedy Davenport is MIA for her interview. Nevertheless, we are keeping you clued in on al the goings on this season with a recap of the blow-by-blow action.
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The bitchiest, filthiest comic opens up to David about her gastric surgery and the effect it has had on her now skinny vagina, her Broadway play coming soon, and tells us about her upcoming performance this weekend in Atlanta.
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datebook
where to go and what to do this week
ATLANTA FOOD & WINE FESTIVAL Each year, almost 10,000 foodies from all over descend on Midtown to sample and experience 240+ awardwinning chefs, mixologists, sommeliers, distillers and brew makers. The AFWF was created in 2010 to shine an international spotlight on the rich food and beverage of the South. There are many themed dinners and events to please your ever elevated palate. Thursday, May 28 – Sunday, May 31 • various locations throughout Midtown • atlfoodandwinefestival.com
MOMOCON 2015 It’s sometimes hard to find festivals and events geared for both adults and kids. MomoCon is one of the fastest growing conventions for all-ages in the country. Fans of Anime, Comics, and Video Games come together for this four-day cosplay extravaganza. Thursday, May 28 – Sunday, May 31 • Georgia World Congress Center (285 Andrew Young International Blvd. NW) • momocon.com
12 | 5.27.15
WON DISCO NIGHT!
MAAP NETWORKING LUNCH
THE WHALE
Dance to your favorite dance tunes with the Women’s Outdoor Network. Everyone is welcome. There is no cover and no membership required so spread the word. WON creates numerous events throughout the year to encourage ladies to get out of the house and enjoy sisterly bonds.
Everybody knows that Atlanta is full of business minded LGBT professionals. Take advantage of this resource and expand your circle of influence to grow your business. $20 includes appetizer, entrée, drink and gratuity. Please pre-register by emailing Todd Cosper at tcosper@maapatl.org
In their last show for this season Actor’s Express brings a powerful drama aimed at the heart of the American family. At six hundred pounds, Charlie has hidden himself away in his small apartment. Isolated and hungering for redemption, he desperately tries to reconnect with his estranged teenage daughter before it’s too late.
Friday, May 29 • 7 – 10 p.m. • Heretic (2069 Cheshire Bridge Rd. NE) • wonatlanta.com
Wednesday, June 3 • 11:45 a.m. – 1 p.m. • Henry’s Midtown Tavern (132 10th St. NE) • maapatl.org
Through Sunday, June 14 • 8 p.m. & 2 p.m. (Sun. only) • King Plow Arts Center (887 West Marietta St. NW) • actors-express.com
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Atlanta Bucks’ Purple Dress Run
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davidatlanta.com | 19
These moments are the most vulnerable you’ve seen these ladies all season…it’s about freakin’ time! Lastly is the green-screen video challenge. Kennedy of course dances her way through this part, while Ginger is passable. Violet and Pearl seem to have the most problems (Pearl still is dancing the “robot”). I think maybe the unexpected wind machine became their biggest problem though (I doubt they would have done their hair that way if they had known). In the end, none of the girls are the obvious winner or loser. Ru decides to make all of them lip sync for their lives to her new single “Born Naked”. They all do exceptionally well (of course) and RuPaul makes the decision to cut Kennedy Davenport. I think that Ru had her mind made even before they began the lip sync, but you will have to wait until next week for Kennedy to weigh in on this decision. Kennedy was unfortunately unavailable for an interview in time for us to go to print. But definitely check davidatlanta. com for the online interview of Kennedy Davenport: The Cagey Queen. Till next week!
‘And the Rest is Drag’ Ok Hunties, this is it! We we’re down to the final four and in true Ru fashion, this last episode pushes three things: music video, tear-jerking personal stories, and badass bitch fights. Kennedy Davenport, Ginger Minj, Violet Chachki, and Pearl. All four have their strong points and their weak points. When it was announced by Michelle Visage that they would be dancing and acting in Ru’s new video “Born Naked”, all of the girls make worried faces. Ginger worries about the choreography. Violet worries that the 80’s theme will escape her (born in 1992). Pearl stills looks stoned of course. At any rate the workroom becomes divided into the seasoned queens (Ginger/Kennedy) vs. the young queens (Violet/Pearl), and the catfights begin! Whichever side of the fighting you lean towards, you have to notice how direct and desperate the older queens are getting…while Violet is unflappable. It seems she has finally learned the lesson of keeping her mouth shut. It only gives fodder for the other In honor of this seven-year itch of a tradition, we’ve created queens to feed on. a fruity, fizzy and fabulous cocktail inspired by that infamous “lunch” with RuPaul. During the acting portion of the challenge Ginger (of course) is the easy stand out. She is actually funny. Kennedy “the 1 part Art in the Age RHUBARB struggle is real” Davenport has some very obvious struggles. 1 part orange juice While Violet and Pearl pull it out and actually do better than 2 parts sparkling wine expected. Splash cranberry juice Flamed orange peel The highly anticipated “lunch” with Ru is next (see our RHU- (optional) Teaspoon of Galliano Paul’s Orange Tic Tac recipe). Kennedy opens up about the loss of her biggest fan, her father. Violet admits that she has Mix RHUBARB and orange juice in a glass, over ice. Top with always had to be her biggest fan and shoulder to cry on (how sparkling wine and a splash of cranberry juice, and garnish with sad). Ginger says something about not knowing her father (is a flamed orange peel. For extra 70’s disco flair, stir in a teaspoon this a theme?), and Pearl lightly touches on her difficult past. of Galliano liqueur.
RHU-Paul’s Orange Tic Tac
22 | 5.27.15
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First Option Mortgage, LLC. NMLS#123411 400 Interstate North Parkway, SE • Suite 1600 • Atlanta, GA 30339 davidatlanta.com | 23
Well, the next thing you know, all these sad selfie situations get uploaded to every one of their 12 personal social media outlets. To make things even worse, they then ‘share’ their new ‘bestie’ photo to every conceivable fan page that might remotely be interested in the dopey eyed, bored, and uninterested celebrity barely hanging on to life within the frame. Of course, the Stranger Danger stalker would be remiss to not include their own struggling fan page link...just in case it landed them a new ‘fan’. Voila! Instant glory whore. They’re everywhere!! They’re the types always running online fan contests, trying to keep their 16th minute from ticking forward. Or worse yet, trying to market themselves to the wrong brand. It happens all the time, and it’s aka-awkward each and every time. Throwing all your shit to the wall, and hoping something will stick, sometimes gets your whole house burnt to the ground. And I don’t think that’s the desired result. I’m not saying that guerrilla marketing yourself doesn’t produce amazing rewards. I’m just grimacing at the ones that come across as trying really hard; while alienating the fans they have, and ignoring golden opportunities to improve their hustle.
How to Annoy Me on Social Media
The first opportunity being: If you’re so god damn wonderful, you’ll never have to tell anyone. Your fans will already know, and gladly pimp you out to future fans. It’s how all of these fandoms start, and we all know how obsessed I am with those. So, be better on Social Media...your fans will thank you!
I get it. We’re obsessed with the ease in which every thought, idea, musing, and photograph can be uploaded to the Internet. No matter what you do, or who you do it with; moments of your life are able to be proven and shared with everyone you know, in less than 20 seconds. 10 years ago I would have laughed at the idea, because there were far less of my family and friends ‘in touch’ with media and technology. And maybe it should have stayed that way. We all know about the ‘trolls’ and their ‘internet courage’, and all manner of annoyances in-between. But who I’m truly astounded by and obsessed with, are the glory whores that try to suck up every possible way of garnering attention; just so that their fan pages reflect high numbers of fans ‘liking’ everything they do. You know the type. That same asshole that drags every celebrity they’ve ever met, into that really apathetic selfie situation. The one where the celebrity looks less than comfortable, while oblivious to the obvious pain on the celeb’s face they’re just cheesing to the Gods. Yes, I’m referring to that selfie! You’ve seen plenty of them, and probably more often than you care to see. Like, this one time I watched a homo interrupt a former RuPaul’s Drag Race contestant (while she was on the phone) to take a selfie. It would have been a truly sad affair, had I not laughed and made fun of my friend for doing it for days on end. I mean come on, she was on the phone! For fuck’s sake. Really queen?? 24 | 5.27.15
Tony Gowell Tony Gowell is a bi-weekly columnist, exclusively writing for David Atlanta. Contact him at obsessed@davidatlanta.com with your latest obsessions. If you’re half way interesting, he might write about it, and if he doesn’t… better luck next time!
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film
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BEYOND HOLLYWOOD Atlanta’s the New Production Haven by Elijah Sarkesian “The Hollywood of the South.” It’s a branding that’s been stuck on Atlanta in recent years, as more and more film and television productions make their way to our city and surrounding parts of the state. Let’s be clear, though: Atlanta’s becoming more than an extension of the center of the film industry. Thanks in part to a series of tax credits that have caught the idea of big and small productions alike, Atlanta’s relationship with the film industry has resulted in a major moviemaking hub. Chances are strong these days that if you’ve watched a movie or a television show recently, it was at least partially filmed here. That’s not hyperbole. Over the past few years, the biggest films and television shows have been filmed in and around Atlanta. Among them: the #1 film at the box office of 2013 and the #2 films at the box office in 2014 and 2015 – otherwise known as The Hunger Games: Catching Fire, The Hunger Games: Mockingjay – Part 1, and Furious 7. Marvel Studios is even getting into the Atlanta scene. After shooting this summer’s Ant-Man in town last summer, the studio recently returned for the currently-filming Captain America: Civil War. So no, if you think you might have seen Chris Evans or Robert Downey Jr. pop up somewhere around town, your eyes may not be deceiving you. Of course, none of those films actually take place in Atlanta. The same can’t be said for one of the biggest shows on television: The Walking Dead. It’s easily the #1 rated show on cable television, with numbers that dwarf most network programs. In the coveted 18-49 demographic, it’s flat-out the top-rated show on television. And as fans of the show (or even some casual observers) know, the show has played up its location since before it premiered. The first season’s iconic poster shows the city of Atlanta turned into a ghost town.
In Furious 7, Dom and company take care of their enemy’s brother in exchange for their help in rescuing a kidnapped computer hacker who has developed a powerful surveillance program.
The Walking Dead has been filming just south of Atlanta for years creating masterful zombie apocalypse drama.
So what’s drawn so many productions to Atlanta in recent years? A number of factors come into play, but the most obvious factor is simple: tax incentives. Thanks to tax incentives originally introduced in 2002 and reinforced in 2008, qualified productions are granted a transferable income tax credit of 20% of all in-state costs for film and television investments at or above $500,000. Projects that are approved and carry a Georgia Entertainment promotional logo in the credits get an additional 10% tax credit. In other words: these films are saving a lot of money by shooting here.
facilities created to cater to the film industry has also exploded – in 2014 alone, the film industry generated $5.1 billion for Georgia’s economy. Among the biggest was the creation of Pinewood Atlanta Studios, an extension of the U.K.-based Pinewood Studios. Since its creation in the 1930s, Pinewood has become known as the home to major films from around the world, including nearly every James Bond film. The expansion into Atlanta marked Pinewood’s first studio presence in the U.S., and is a large reason films like AntMan and Captain America: Civil War have found Marvel shifting from Pinewood’s U.K. studios to Pinewood Atlanta.
Productions in Atlanta existed before 2008, but the last seven years have Another contributing factor to Atlanta’s seen the number of productions explode. popularity with films – especially the With that, the number of businesses and bigger-budgeted films that land here – is davidatlanta.com | 29
Drop Dead Diva, The Vampire Diaries and Halt and Catch Fire have all shot in and around the Atlanta area. During its first few seasons, Teen Wolf also filmed in Atlanta – and even used Jungle to film an episode that included performers such as Phoenix and Alissah Brooks.
The second installment of the Divergent movie franchise, Insurgent is largely filmed in Georgia.
Anchorman 2 features a starstudded massive fight scene filmed in Woodruff Park.
its unique architecture. Insurgent, the second film in the Divergent series, is just one of several films to use the work of Atlanta architect John Portman to create a dystopian future. In that film alone, the Portman-designed AmericasMart and Hyatt Regency make notable appearances. Mockingjay, meanwhile, used the atrium of the Atlanta Marriott Marquis to create part of Panem’s Capitol. While it’s easy – and fair – to lament Atlanta’s tendency as a city to destroy iconic parts of its past to create new buildings, the creation of many of Atlanta’s skyscrapers since the 1980s give the city a more modern look than other large cities, and that’s something film producers want. At the same time, you don’t have to travel too far to find parts of Atlanta that don’t look like they’d fit into a dystopian future – and that’s allowed for some diversity when it comes to filming in Atlanta and the surrounding suburbs. Piedmont Park has popped into comedies like Billy Crystal and Bette Midler’s Parental Guidance and the Jennifer Lopez-led What to Expect When You’re Expecting, while Woodruff Park served as the meeting ground for the celebrity cameo battle of Anchorman 2. The high school-based comedy The DUFF included extensive scenes in places like Grady High School and Perimeter Mall. Buddy-cop comedies like Let’s Be Cops and 30 | 5.27.15
the Atlanta-set Ride Along (along with its sequel, shooting later this summer) include extensive parts of the downtown Atlanta area. Atlantans may have recognized more than Michael Douglas, Robert De Niro and Morgan Freeman in their comedy Last Vegas in Atlanta; some Atlanta drag performers, including current Drag Race phenomenon Violet Chachki, also pop up in the film. Identity Thief, which paired up Jason Bateman and Melissa McCarthy, shot all over Georgia, including some of the film’s more memorable scenes at the Colonnade and the Cheshire Motor Inn. The 2013 comedy A.C.O.D., which included Adam Scott, Jane Lynch and Amy Poehler among its cast members, shot at the Atlanta Botanical Garden and in parts of Decatur. Meanwhile, with their continued cycles of production, several television series have made Atlanta home for years. Beyond The Walking Dead, shows like
So what films can you expect to see filming around Atlanta, or elsewhere in Georgia, right now? Plenty of films with some major star power. There’s the previously mentioned Captain America: Civil War (which includes pretty much every Marvel character you can imagine at this point), of course. Next year’s major Melissa McCarthy film, Michelle Darnell, is also filming in the Atlanta area these days. That film also includes costars Kristen Bell, Peter Dinklage and Kristen Schaal. Another comedy currently shooting in town is Barbershop 3, with series stars Ice Cube and Cedric the Entertainer filming alongside newcomers like Nicki Minaj. Ryan Gosling and the openly gay Matt Bomer are also filming in Atlanta for The Nice Guys, about a private eye’s investigation into the apparent suicide of a fading porn star. Furious 7 ’s Vin Diesel will be back in town with Kristen Stewart and Garrett Hedlund for Billy Lynn’s Long Halftime Walk, which is being directed by the man behind Brokeback Mountain, Ang Lee. Following his recent Oscar nomination, Michael Keaton’s next gig finds him taking on the role of McDonald’s founder Ray Kroc in The Founder. And a little further south of Atlanta (in Savannah, more specifically), Zac Efron’s been making waves in recent weeks on the set of Dirty Grandpa, which co-stars Robert De Niro, for some scenes that involve the appearance of public nudity. So the next time you’re walking around town and you see a film crew, keep an eye out – you never know who you’ll see, or whether you might be seen in a year or so. Even local diva Phoenix got into the MTV supernatural teen drama, Teen Wolf on one occasion.
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film
Queer Zombies to Military Men Atlanta Filmmaking From Top to Bottom by Jason Metielski
W
e’ve come a long way since the first time two gay men danced together in the 1895 motion picture, The Dickson Experimental Sound Film, produced by William Dickson and Thomas Edison. The queer men depicted in film in those days paved the way for the stereotypes: limp wristed, effeminate, flowery queens whose mannerisms could be easily mocked and taken advantage of by movie producers to produce comedic effects for the mostly straight audience. But no more are we the butt of every joke: gays are now out in the forefront of modern culture, portrayed as a whole, queens and butch boys alike—funny, macho, sassy—running the gamut of character portrayal, from single fathers to hair stylists to politicians and gangsters. The fact is, moviemaking is happening in epic proportions in Atlanta, which means a couple of things: gay characters are being written into scripts as lead and supporting roles and films; and we’ve also reached a pivotal moment in history where LGBT people 32 | 5.27.15
have become sort of homogenized with mainstream society, to the point where a character’s sexuality isn’t a focal point in a film—it just IS. Both of these factors are bridging the gap between yesterday’s discrimination and today’s current state of acceptance of LGBT people, and also laying the groundwork for some damn good entertainment for everyone.
his mentor, the late and great Gene Roddenberry. Keith, with his extensive filmmaking background which includes theatrical hair, makeup and special effects, is currently wrapping up the zombie feature film Test Group (go to www.atlantazombiefilm.com to watch exclusive, scary trailers) and is working on the pre-production phase of the new Vampire TV series, Immortalz Atlanta. Yes, with the success of series On one side we’ve got gay filmmak- like HBO’s True Blood and AMC’s The ers like Keith Bailey, who got his start Walking Dead, we know that zombies writing and repairing scripts under and vampires are hot, with a palpable Who wouldn’t like Immortalz, a series about gay vampires that is shot on location at such places as Eagle and Woofs?
David’s own Tony Gowell was featured in Battletech: Mercenaries.
homoeroticism that keeps us glued to our flat screens—and Keith has perfected this medium and taken it to a new level. To make us feel even more at home, many of the scenes in his films were shot in The Atlanta Eagle and Woofs, starring the rugged and sexy Jayson Duckett who, after dropping out of high school in 1998, finally realized his dream when he began acting in theatrical productions of Dickens’s A Christmas Carol and Agatha Christie’s Mousetrap.
experimenting with filmmaking in the 90s shooting short films in the barracks with a big VHS camcorder, and moved into writing, directing and eventually acting in movies produced by his company, Bravo Whisky Charlie Films (www.bwcfilms. com). He currently has several features in pre-production, such as BattleTech: Mercenaries, based on the BattleTech and MechWarrior game universe, and the fantasy genre The Psion, featuring an all-female cast which he hopes to pitch to Amazon Studios. But what hits home the hardest is his semi-autobiographical film he has in the works which deals with issues affecting our veterans (suicide, homelessness, unemployment, substance abuse), which is extremely relevant to our time because, let’s face it: we all know someone, straight and gay alike, who’s serving in the military and risking their lives for our freedom. You’ll want to follow Tim on Twitter: @bwc_films, and Facebook: www.facebook.com/bwcfilms for updates and ways to potentially star in his movies.
When I asked Keith what his thoughts were on Atlanta and LGBT filmmaking in general, he said that film and television has finally reached a point where they’re ready to explore these issues, while he’s personally addressed gay rights in his films and that many of the main characters in Immortalz Atlanta are gay and lesbian. He also believes that Atlanta, which has welcomed him with open arms, is becoming the new Hollywood (as evidenced by the plethora of open air movie sets around the city!), and we should be paying special When Tim Everett posts a casting call attention to our own Tony Gowell and for his films, he usually makes a point Jared Allman. Equally potent in the Atlanta filmmaking industry we have trendsetters like Tim Everett, who’s straight but doesn’t believe an actor’s or character’s sexuality matters as long as the story is good and compelling. He doesn’t believe in labels, and as I researched his genre I’m wont to agree: Sexuality aside, Tim’s films are poignant and RELEVANT to our era. He’s an ex-military man, who began 34 | 5.27.15
Tim Everett created an 11-minute masterpiece with Z-Com: Origins, which was released this year.
to say “age/race irrelevant”. He’s all inclusive when it comes to characters and actors. Tim just wants REAL. He wants to show us life the way it is or the way we imagine it to be. He doesn’t do remakes; he deplores censorship and believes in originality. He’s making it a point to bring veteran’s issues to the table because he believes we can all go beyond a simple “Thanks for your service” and do something positive and enriching for the men and women who have risked all they have for us. Basically, we’re all in this together. Yes, Atlanta is indeed becoming the “New Hollywood”, offering 20% tax credits to film productions over $500,000—we’ve seen blockbuster hits like The Hunger Games, Fast & Furious 7, and Dumb and Dumber To filmed here, but it’s the local guys like Tim Everett/BWC Films and Keith Bailey/The Otherside of Georgia Productions who need and deserve our support. They’re the ones who are coming into our community and raising us up. They’re the ones who are making it sexy and keeping it real.
davidatlanta.com | 35
davidatlanta.com | 39
LISA LAMPANELLI:
FAT GIRL INTERRUPTED by Gregg Wynn
40 | 5.27.15
L
isa loves fags. Comedy’s “Loveable Queen of Mean” also adores lesbos, queers, straighties, gooks, spics, heebs, cripples, and a few other types that we’re not going to print. She skewers them all equally. Since the ‘90s, Lisa Lampanelli has been heaping both affection and affliction upon audiences all across North America. On May 30, the laughster brings her brew of acidic insult comedy to Atlanta’s Cobb Energy Center. Lampanelli isn’t all just dirty talk. She puts the money where her filth is. While appearing on Celebrity Apprentice 5, she raised $130,000 for Gay Men’s Health Crisis, one of the nation’s largest AIDS service organizations. When the notoriously anti-gay Westboro Baptist Church threatened to picket one of her concerts in the Midwest, she promised to contribute $1,000 to GMHC for each protester that showed. After the final tally, she defiantly announced in front of the crowd and church members, “These assholes have contributed to the Gay Men’s Health Crisis twenty-thousand dollars!”
DA: You call yourself “The Fag Whisperer.” Gay men throng to your concerts. You’ve traveled all over the country. By comparison, what makes Southern gays unique? LL: Well, they have more manners. They use a lot of lube before they stick it in, I guess. To be honest, I think all y’all gays are alike. Just like all the straighties are alike. Wherever you go, there’s nice ones, there’s bitchy ones, there’s good ones, there’s bad ones. It’s just like every other population. They’re very diverse and crazy, and we all have our nut jobs.
Now I have a skinny vagina. I’m literally a skinny cunt.
DA: I understand you’re putting together a one-woman show for Broadway, is that right? LL: Actually, I’ve turned it into a play. Instead of doing a one-person show, which seems pretty self-indulgent, at least from my angle, I’m going to do a play about the struggles of weight, body image, and food for women and gay men everywhere. That’s coming up next fall and it’s really good. It’s going to be called Fat Girl Interrupted.
Foul-mouthed and viciously quick, Lampanelli ejaculated onto America’s TV screens as the crowned queen roaster of celebrities, including Pamela Anderson, William Shatner, David Hasselhoff, Flavor Flav, and Gene Simmons of KISS. She currently stars as a regular on Bounty Hunters, the firstever animated series on CMT.
DA: In fact, you’ve lost a lot of weight and you’re looking fabulous these days. How did you do it?
In 2009, the HBO comedy special “Long Live the Queen” propelled her popularity. That same year, she published an autobiography, Chocolate Please, My Adventures in Food, Fat and Freaks. She has also written for Playboy magazine. Her recording of “Dirty Girl” was nominated for a 2007 Grammy award as Best Comedy Album.
LL: Boy, are you out of date, girl. You gays are supposed to be on the cutting edge of everything. Go to Google and look it up! What happened was, I had a 32-year struggle with weight ever since I went away to college. I tried every diet in the world. None of them worked. I think all these diets are created to keep us in the diet cycle. Because all you do is gain more weight when you go of it. So, at age 50, three years ago, my ex-husband and I decided to have gastric sleeve surgery. It’s not gastric by-pass. It’s a surgery that basically makes your stomach much smaller. They cut out 85-percent of your stomach. and you can’t get it back no matter how much you beg your idiot doctor. Basically, we can eat a cup-and-a-half of food a day for the rest of our lives. It’s a great solution. But, it’s not a solution, if you know what I mean. It’s a great tool. You have to be in the right emotional space in the first place. You have to figure out how to eat small portions with lots of nutrients in them. It’s going to be a juggling act for the rest of my life. But, at least I have the head start of not wanting to throw up every time I look in a mirror.
Lisa Lampanelli recently dialed in to David Atlanta Magazine to discuss Southern gays, gastric surgery, Broadway, and her incredible shrinking vagina in advance on her May 30th Atlanta comedy concert and her fifth stand-up special “Back to the Drawing Board” which airs Friday, June 26 on EPIX. David Atlanta: Hello, Lisa. Thanks for taking some time to talk with us today. Where are you calling from? What are you up to? Lisa Lampanelli: I’m in New York. I did a Serius Radio thing with Jeff Foxworthy yesterday, who I know is an Atlanta guy. It’s been a wild media frenzy. I’ve got this interview, and then the next one, and the next one. But, after today I think I get to take the rest of the week off and sit on my ass for a while.
LL: Aw, come on. You didn’t even look that up? DA: Well, on stage you tell that you used Jenny Craig.
DA: That’s sounds terrific. But, it has changed your life, right? LL: Oh, my God! I have more energy. I feel better about myself. I don’t know if you’ve been overweight. But, when you are overweight, especially a lot, like obese, there’s a cycle where you davidatlanta.com | 41
look in the mirror and you get depressed, so you eat. And you get depressed because you ate. So, you eat more. You look in the mirror and you hate yourself. You keep going through a cycle of depression that never wears off. So, I had to take the whole weight thing out of it and be like, “Okay, I don’t hate myself the way I look anymore, at least from the waist down. Now, I’ll work on the rest of it.” So, yeah. Except for the probably one percent that’s the same as it used to, I’d say it’s totally different.
DA: Our readers are always looking to meet new guys and you seem to have mastered awkward moments like that. Do you have any good opening lines that might work for our readers?
LL: Well, I’ve found that for you guys, just accidentally showing up in a men’s room with a couple of lemon-drops will really work out. because you guys love those faggy drinks. So, you show up in the men’s room, sidle up to the urinal and DA: On May 30th, you’re going to be in Atlanta at the have at it. Sometimes it works. Hey, I’ve sucked people at Cobb Energy Centre. Aside from that show, do have urinals. I don’t think anything’s wrong with it. If I can do it, so any extracurricular activities planned? Will we see you can you Atlanta fags. around town? DA: One last question. You talk about this a lot in your LL: Well, no, here’s the problem. Atlanta is one of the coolest show. Everyone’s wondering. What’s up with your vacities with lots of rich people. I’ve always wanted to stalk Tyler gina these days? How’s it doing? Perry and see if I can break into his compound. But, unfortunately, this is the travelling life of a comic. You fly in. You take a LL: Oh, it’s terrible! Here’s what happened. I lost weight, and nap because you’re so tired. You do the show. And you fly out. I’m not even making a joke of this, the doctor said, “You’re It’s not a crappy life at all. But, we don’t even get to stick around going to lose weight everywhere.” Well, I’m not thinking and enjoy the city. Hopefully, when I retire someday, I’ll be actu- down below. I lost weight. Now I have a skinny vagina. I’m ally able to see something. But, if there was one thing I’d do in literally a skinny cunt. I knew it was too thin when it started Atlanta it would be stalk Tyler Perry. making noise when I would walk. It would make these flopping noises like extra skin on a fat person. But, I’m doing DA: You mentioned retirement. In the ultimate world, these exercises to get it back into shape. So, next time I’m in where would you retire and what would you do? town I might be able use it. LL: I think New York City is the best place to retire because you Lisa Lampanelli will be performing at Cobb Energy can get anything delivered to you. And I happen to live across Performing Arts Centre (2800 Cobb Galleria Parkway) the street from a hospital. So, they can just roll me out in a Saturday, May 30. Get your tickets at ticketmaster.com wheelchair, dump me in the morgue, and I’m done. 42 | 5.27.15
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bartab
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advice
Dear Dom, With over a 10-year age gap between myself and the guy I am seeing, there’s a lot of my generation’s history that he doesn’t know. This makes some conversations awkward, or even impossible, without feeling like an old perve. Do I educate the youngster or just skip the parts that he isn’t aware of? Bothered About Boy’s Youth That’s what happens when you rob the cradle, BABY. And frankly, how much history does the kid need to know when his ankles are over your shoulders? You’re not a perve. You are a dinosaur. Dating younger guys can be joyful. They’ve got plenty of energy. They’re more flexible. They taste good. But, the generational differences are daunting. It’s tough work telling someone how you lived before the internet was created, to watch black & white television, or attended Lincoln’s funeral.
Dear Dom,
Every Single Question... Every Single Answer
While you are attracted to this younger man’s freshness & vigor, he is attracted to your knowledge & experience. Teaching him about your past–call it history, if you must–should be an important part of the journey you two will share. His role can be to educate you about his newer generation. My partner is almost 20 years my junior. I remember the Stonewall Riots. He wasn’t even born yet. He will never fully comprehend the historical impact of Jordache jeans. Likewise, I simply cannot understand today’s obsession with men’s stretch denim. Gadzooks! Try this: imagine your boyfriend as a visitor from a far away country and you are showing him around the important sights and events of your life. That way you’ll feel more like the tour guide of a mysterious archeological wonder instead of just a dried out fossil. Dear Dom,
I just started dating a guy who is using a fake British accent. He’s from Detroit, and it’s like he’s trying to imitate Madonna when she was married to Guy Ritchie. I like I have a compulsion to shower right after sex. Like im- the guy. But, how can I get him to cut the Cockney crap? mediately! Sometimes my sex partners have to wait until I get done taking a shower to “get done” them- Lame Imported Speech Pattern selves. What the hell is wrong with me? He’s mocking Madonna, LISP? Why? That sorry bitch hasn’t Scouring Out A Preoccupation been vital since she released Ray of Light back in ‘98. Tell your oh-so-faux beau to quit the Brit shit. His crappy fake accent is The reason for this post-lust longing to lather may be simple, just as bankrupt as that broke-down town he came from. SOAP. Your skin crawls because the men you fuck are filthy. Dear Dom,
The problem, however, is more than skin-deep. Psychiatrists call this Post-coital Dysphoria. While the sex itself is satisfactory, afterwards you feel emotionally dirty. This causes you to retreat from your partner and go bathing in an unconscious effort to get clean. Visit a counselor. Insight-oriented therapy will help you identify the person or event that triggered this disorder. Until then, scrub-a-dub-dub and don’t drop the soap. 64 | 5.27.15
Dom
Advice columnist Dominic has been there and done that with most everything. He gives a new low to all levels of depravity. He’s heard every question and every answer. Give him a try, email DearDom@davidatlanta.com. Warning: Advice given in this column is intended for entertainment and novelty purposes. Please proceed at your own risk.
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fairyscopes
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ARIES (Mar. 20 – Apr. 19): You’re unstoppable this week. It seems you can do anything. Your confidence and energy are high. There’s no question that you’re ready to take the world by storm. Is the world ready for you? Think carefully as you formulate plans for your new project.
LIBRA (Sep. 23 – Oct. 22): You can’t help but notice that your home looks a bit drab. This week you could plan to do something about it. It won’t take much money, just time and a little creativity. You can make big changes to the mood of the place simply by introducing more color.
TAURUS (Apr. 20 – May 20): It’s likely that you’re being held back by certain traumatic past events. Before you can make further progress in your life, you must address these painful memories for the last time. If it feels too frightening to do alone, seek professional help.
SCORPIO (Oct. 23 – Nov. 21): You have a to-do list a mile long this week. You may spend a lot of your day running errands. It certainly takes a lot to run a household, as you no doubt realize. Try not to get overwhelmed with all that you feel needs to be done. No one will know if you don’t meet them.
GEMINI (May 21- Jun. 20): You could receive some sort of windfall this week. Use it wisely. Consider buying some time to figure out what you want to do with your life. It’s likely that your career isn’t exactly ringing your bells these days. You’re ready for new challenges and opportunities.
SAGITTARIUS (Nov. 22 – Dec. 20): You’re ready for a career change, or at least a change of venue. Have you considered telecommuting one day per week? That might give you the variety you seek without needing to find a new job. You may meet someone today or in the near future. Listen carefully.
CANCER (Jun. 21- Jul. 22): It’s likely that you will succeed at whatever you set out to accomplish this week. If you’ve been held back by worries over the integrity of a relationship or the long-term prospects of a partnership, you can dispel concerns by confronting the person directly.
CAPRICORN (Dec. 21 – Jan. 19): What is your dream? Answer that question as specifically as possible this week, then set about attaining that goal. Signs indicate that whatever you begin today will pay off. Vow to take things one step at a time. Keep in mind the old adage, “Once begun is half done.”
LEO (Jul. 23 – Aug. 22): Your energy may flag a bit this week. There’s nothing to worry about, though you could take better care of your health. What happened to that exercise regimen you vowed to start? It’s never too late to improve your eating habits and begin working out.
AQUARIUS (Jan. 20 – Feb. 18): This may seem odd, but you may not be the person you think you are. There are indications that you have hidden talents. If they come out, no one will be more shocked than you! This could take your career in an entirely new direction.
VIRGO (Aug. 23 – Sep. 22): This week is meant for socializing and connecting. Your creativity is at an all-time high, so also try to work in some quiet time where you can do some writing or painting. If friends invite you out in the evening, by all means, take them up on the offer. Be open to all possibilities.
PISCES (Feb. 19 – Mar. 19): You’re about to experience a major change in your life’s direction, and it may occur soon. Keep your mind open to all sorts of possibilities. You’re likely to receive some important information. Of course, you may not realize its importance right away.
Bitch
S E S S I O N I was just told I was wasting my time trying to find love in Atlanta. Is this city really that hopeless?
YOLO isn’t an excuse to be a SLUT, honey.
My ex texted me last night telling me to delete his number. My reply: “Who’s this?” You really thought I wouldn’t move on?
You should learn to take a joke as easily as you take dick, whore.
Wow... nice personality! Where did you get it? Sluts R Us?
68 | 5.27.15
SEND US YOUR BITCHES! Text 404.969.BTCH, tweet @BitchSessionATL or email bitch@davidatlanta.com *This page reflects the bitchiness of the community not David Atlanta or its publisher (although we’re bitchy too!)
“I need a boyfriend.” No, you WANT a boyfriend. You NEED water, because you sound thirsty.
Is it rude to throw a breath mint in somebody’s mouth while they are talking? I thought of you today. It reminded me to take out the garbage. Thank you.
When will you city boys learn us country bumpkins ain’t as stupid as you’d like us to be?
I hate it when ugly guys be like “I need my beauty sleep.” Honey, you need to HIBERNATE.