Divorce 411

ISSUE 1 VOL 3 FEBRUARY 2015

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POWERFUL QUESTIONS TO GET HER TO OPEN UP16

I DON’T WANT MY CHILD TO BE SPOILED 14 THINK BEFORE YOU TWEET 6 ONLINE DATING PROFILES 29 HOW TO HEAL THE PAST WITH YOUR EX 34

MESSAGE FROM THE PUBLISHER “For even as love crowns you so shall he crucify you.” Khalil Gibran

Love it or hate it, Valentine’s Day 2015 The cover features painting called “Heart is here!

Expansion” D’Antoni founded Fire Tree Studios and invites her students to ignite For couples navigating divorce, February their freedom of expression. Learn more 14th is a painful reminder of the end about her work at www.firetreestudios. of love--heartbreak. Whether you are com. single this month or in a relationship this is a good time to contemplate the true Another artist who share her gift with meaning of love and the opportunity the world is Patrice Federspiel describes it brings for self-discovery. If you are how painting makes her feel: solo this Valentine’s Day first be good “Through painting I feel connected to the yourself. Pamper yourself with flowers, world around me, to the people in it, and a nice meals, a massage or whatever to my inner self. Some people connect makes you feel good on the outside. through words, some through music, Then carve out some time to meditate, some through movement; I am a visual reflect and/or contemplate the meaning connector. I strive to bring others into and expression of love as the best version connection with themselves through my of yourself. paintings.” Learn more about Patrice at Gibran’s quote captures the feelings that www.artofaloha.com. many men and women going through “A Joyful Heart” created by Janie Rezner divorce are feeling. We can travel to great found her inner artist emerged after heights of joy on the wings of love and her second divorce. You can read more we can experience the depths of despair about her story at www.janierezner. in the falling out of love. Explore positive com/unused/my-story.html. outlets for your emotions like journaling or painting. Intuitive painting is great Happy Valentine’s Day! was express your feelings. To inspire you on this path, this issue features 3 Cynthia talented artists” Melissa D’Antonio, Patrice Federspiel and Janie Rezner.

Contents Think Before You Tweet

6

Five Simple Steps for Reducing Stress 9 Beauty Tip by Z

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Valentine’s Day for the Newly Single

12

I Don’t Want My Child to be Spoiled

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14 Powerful Questions to Get Her to Open Up

16

Awakening Through Art

19

Living and Painting Outside The Lines for Valentines

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Gallery of Hearts

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​Recommended Reading

27

Online Dating Profiles True or Too Good To Be True

29

Your Excuse, Your Solution

32

How To Heal The Past With Your Ex

34

Getting Through The Trauma of Divorce

37

What Movie Are You Living?

41

How Taking Personal Responsibility Saved My Marriage

43

Bead of Doubt

46

Divorce 411 is a very popular magazine that empowers individuals who are undergoing a divorce or the endi of a relationship to lean towards a positive shift in their lives. We are now developing an online divorce community for sharing valuable information and experiences.

Divorce 411 puts a modern twist on the process. Like a GPS device, the magazine and portal serve to guide people moving through the various stages of the divorce into a smooth transition.

The editorial section is a very interesting part of the websites that focuses on the divorce related problems of both men and women. The community will also be helping people to relieve their distress through thought sharing processes and finding out how other people coped with similar situations.

Our team includes a very select group of creative and dedicated individuals who not only provide basic information about divorce process but many are professionally qualified to provide legal, emotional and financial advice. We also have experts in various areas including fitness, real estate, home decor, fashion, etc.

Check us out at www.divorce411magazine.com JOIN TODAY!

Special Recognition WRITERS AND ARTISTS Matthew Ardisson

Joy Huntsman

Stefania Barker

Tonya Kappes

Abby Bordner

Leticia Murphy, M.A., LMFT, LADC

Lori Brown

Jesse Nichols George

Melissa D’Antoni

Anthony Parnell

Zorana Edun-Caldwell

Allana Pratt

Patrice Federspiel

Janie Rezner

Zeny Hilton

Noelke, English, Maple, St. Leger & Blair LLP

STAFF Publisher, Cynthia Spirlin, J.D.

Graphic Designer, T. Javier

Associate Publisher, Patty Gines

Photographer, Zeny Hilton

Editor, Kiera Kennedy

Disclaimer: No part of this website or digital magazine may be reproduced in whole or in part without written permission of the publisher. The content in this magazine is for information purposes only. DIVORCE 411 Magazine, assumes no liability or responsibility for any inaccurate, delayed or incomplete information, nor for any actions taken in reliance thereon. The information contained about each individual, event or organization has been provided by such individual, event organizers or organization without verification by us. The opinion expressed in each article is the opinion of its author and does not necessarily reflect the opinion of DIVORCE 411 Magazine Inc. Therefore, DIVORCE 411 Magazine Inc. carries no responsibility for the opinion expressed thereon. Comments are welcome, but they should be on-topic and well-expressed. Abusive, antisocial or off-topic comments will be deleted by web administrators.

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THINK BEFORE YOU TWEET Privacy, Technology & Divorce

By Noelke, English, Maple, St. Leger & Blair LLP www.nems-law.com

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n the world of Twitter, Facebook, texts, and emails, electronic evidence can be a treasure trove of information in a lawsuit.

Many clients have had very little counsel on privacy (or lack thereof) in a divorce, and their Tweets, posts, emails, and texts can easily come back to haunt them during their divorce or custody suit. By the time a client walks into a lawyer's office, it may be too late to undo all of the damage, but this article can provide some useful tips for attorneys and clients in their use of technology during a divorce.

UNDERSTANDING THE TECHNOLOGY Our computers and other forms of technology will store information long after we hit the "Delete" button and clear the history of our favorite internet browser.

Computers are continually writing a history of the places we have been on the internet, the pictures we have downloaded, and the emails we have written. If a client going through a divorce sets up a Match.com profile to start dating, for example, and then "deletes" all of the emails they have received, those emails may still be stored in the depths of the computer.

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Computer forensic expert C.M. "Mike" Adams of Prime Focus Forensics, LLC in Hutto, TX explains this as follows: "If one uses Microsoft Outlook or other email programs that reside on one's computer, then a certified and trained forensics examiner using forensic software can find them without much trouble. If one is using "Gmail" or other cloud based email services, the forensics examiner can usually recover bits and pieces and sometimes the entire email. Also, if the case warrants a subpoena, then given enough time the entire email can usually be recovered from the electronic mail service provider."

As for internet history, Mr. Adams goes on to explain that "without a doubt, internet browsing history will still be on your computer, whether you 'cleared' the browsing history or not. Most users do not understand that the browser history they can see is just one record that the computer generates when a person browses the Internet. There are at least two others that forensic examiners can easily recover.

Further, trained forensic examiners can usually recover an image of almost every page one has visited while browsing."

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DO'S AND DON'TS FOR LAWYERS – SPOLIATION, ILLEGALLY OBTAINED MATERIAL, AND PROTECTING YOUR CLIENT

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Some software will even include a report that highlights arbitrary keywords. For example, should the spy believe that one's spouse is having an affair with someone named "David" or "Diane" those two names can be setup as keywords to monitor on the target computer. Similarly, this technology is available for certain brands of Smart Phones. The spy can monitor texts, voicemail, email received on the phone, and can physically locate the owner of the phone. The spy can actually turn your phone into a listening device while you are meeting with your lawyer and remotely listen to everything that is going on. Visit our website at http://www.pfforensics. com/Cell-Phone-Spyware.html for videos that will demonstrate the full nefarious nature of cell phone spyware."

Once a client hears that their electronic communication may surface in their divorce, many will have the inclination to remove or destroy the data. There are software programs and other methods available for truly clearing a hard drive. It is incumbent upon the attorney to advise the client not to destroy or delete any information. This includes emails, posts, data on Facebook, and all other forms of electronic data. If a Court finds that there was a duty to preserve evidence that has since been destroyed, the Court can impose severe penalties and sanctions, such as the exclusion of testimony or other evidence at trial. In some cases, lawyers have been The Stored Communications Act, the sanctioned for deleting information from a Electronic Communications Privacy Act, client's social media. and Texas state law all address various manners of illegally accessing electronic One spouse may also illegally obtain communication. These laws address electronic information in violation of state not only traditional "eavesdropping" on and federal law. Mr. Adams explains that "if telephone calls but also various forms a spouse is attempting to spy on a computer of accessing email and other stored or a phone, there is commercially available communications without the consent of software that is relatively inexpensive. The the owner of the email account. It is not victim of this software will never know it a defense that your client is the spouse of is there or what it is doing. For all practical the person whose telephone call or email purposes if a computer is infected by this has been intercepted. And, perhaps most type of software, then everything that one importantly, an hour of legal research will does on one's own computer is an open quickly show that lawyers get criminally book to whomever is doing the spying. If an prosecuted for using illegally obtained email is sent from the infected computer, evidence. the spy gets a copy at the same time. The same is true for received emails, Internet chats, or any other communications passing through the infected computer.

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Here are some helpful tips for the lawyer: DO: Advise your clients to change all of their passwords. And if you suspect DO: Advise your clients that they cannot that spyware has been installed, have delete, destroy, remove, or otherwise the computer or phone inspected by an edit electronic data. expert.

DON'T: Take possession of illegally DON'T: If you have illegally obtained obtained material. If you have it in your discovery in your possession, don't possession, read it or listen to it, you produce it in discovery without the may be committing a crime by using it in advice of a criminal defense attorney. the preparation of your case.

EXPECTATION OF PRIVACY IN DIVORCE DO: Advise your clients on the law of intercepting email and other forms of There is very little information that is communication. The best policy is to not arguably relevant during a divorce. advise your clients NOT to access their In most divorces, there is at least limited spouse's email accounts at all, even if disclosure of credit card statements, they think they have consent to do so. bank statements, and other information that shows the property and debt in DON'T: Represent a person who has marital estate. Even in a situation where illegally obtained electronic material. the parties have been separated for a Period. It is not worth the risk. significant amount of time, the Court will still likely force the parties to exchange DO: Read the Honza and Weekly financial information. A spouse should Homes cases that pertain to electronic not have the expectation that transferring discovery. Opposing counsel cannot money to their brother in the middle of a simply say: Let me copy your client's divorce or spending money at Victoria's phone. This is akin to saying: Let me Secret will be kept private during a look in your client's file cabinet. This divorce. The same can be said about request is overly broad and lacking in emails or other communication between specificity. the wife and her new boyfriend. In an DON'T: Turn over your client's cell phone already emotional process, this type of or computer for copying without a written information can lead to further delay and agreement in place as to how it will be cost in resolving a divorce. searched. There may be privileged or non-discoverable data on these devices In sum‌.think before you Tweet (or otherwise communicate electronically)! that does not need to be produced.

When a person is going through a divorce, it's always best to pretend that anything being written will be read in front of a judge someday.

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Beauty Tip by Z Zorana Edun-Caldwell

I’m falling in love with the beautiful spring collection of Chanel Rêverie Parisienne! The eyeshadow quads remind me of a spring garden with a touch of woodiness, suitable for all skin tones. Le jardin de Chanel, which means Chanel’s garden, is a beautiful blush that is two-toned with both deep and soft pink. The look for lips range from bold corals to raspberry magentas with a hint of Marsala.

Nails are fun this season, ranging from purple rosewood to pearly pale green, along with a more traditional intense magenta.

The skincare technology is amazing in Chanel. They are launching their new “hydra beauty microserum” which offers intense replenishing hydration and plumps the skin.

Let me transport you to Paris and pamper you with a mini facial, makeover, and fragrance consultation! Book your appointment today at Nordstrom at the Fashion Show Mall.

Call (702)784-1054 and ask for Zorana. I look forward to celebrating you!!

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FIVE SIMPLE STEPS FOR REDUCING

STRESS

By Anthony Parnell, M.S.W.

F

www.anthonyparnell.com

inding balance in one’s life, particularly when experiencing a traumatic life event, can be very challenging. Divorce is one such traumatic event. Having personally experienced the challenges of navigating a divorce as well as having supported individuals through the emotional highs and lows of a divorce (as a mental health therapist), over the years, I’ve developed and utilized a number of tools and strategies for coping with stress.

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n the next two issues, I’d like to share with you several proactive measures that you can take to ensure that a sense of balance and well-being is maintained in your personal and professional life as you attempt to cope with the initial or latter stages of divorce.

TAKE ONE DAY AT A TIME One’s first reaction to a statement such as this is likely to be that, “Taking One Day at a Time” is much easier said than done.

When faced with major life challenges such as a divorce, it is natural for one’s survival instincts to kick in during times such as these. Because in an effort to minimize the damage, we do whatever we feel is necessary. And, sometimes, that means making impulsive decisions.

But, after you have made those first reactionary decisions, it will become increasingly important to not look too far into the future. Instead, begin to focus on taking life “one day at a time” by shifting more of your time and energy on maintaining a sense of balance and wellbeing in your personal and professional life.

BE HONEST WITH YOURSELF ABOUT HOW YOU’RE FEELING Going through a divorce, for many, inevitably will trigger feelings of helplessness, hopelessness and a sense of inadequacy. It, however, is vitally important to remain in touch with one’s feelings and to understand the significance of proactively releasing one’s emotions to prevent the buildup of negative energy and negative emotions.

Holding in one’s emotions will only lead to negative consequences.

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Therefore, it is important for individuals to commit to identifying family members, friends, or even mental health professionals in whom you can confide and vent your emotions and frustrations on a consistent basis. Forming or joining a support group of other people who are experiencing the same emotional challenges is another viable option.

MAKE A CONSCIOUS EFFORT TO FOCUS ON THE POSITIVE RATHER THAN THE NEGATIVE “5 Minutes a Day of Writing and SelfReflection” is a simple exercise that will help you to maintain a positive attitude on life and your current circumstances.

Begin by writing on a piece of paper all the positive things that exist in your life and for which you are grateful. At minimum, this list may include: your health; your family and friends; your job; your home. The next step is to pick a quiet location that is tranquil and a time of day during which you will not be interrupted. Read the list aloud.

Then, close your eyes to meditate on each item on the list. This should be followed by a deep breathing exercise in which you focus on all of the positive things in your life as you breathe in; then, focus on all of the negative things in your life (the things that are causing you stress) as you exhale.

In other words, concentrate on inhaling positive energy, thoughts and emotions and exhaling negative energy, thoughts and emotions.

Anthony Parnell, M.S.W. is the author of 24 Million: Challenges and Solutions for Alienated Fathers in America; The 7 Laws of Stress Management: LifeChanging Strategies for Maintaining Balance in Your Personal and Professional Life; and, Healing through Writing: A Journaling Guide to Emotional and Spiritual Growth (www.anthonyparnell.com).

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Valentine’s Day for the Newly Single So love is in the air and you’re not feeling it? If you are newly single, you may not be looking forward to Valentine’s Day. That’s ok. Here are 5 “Do’s and Don’ts” tips for surviving Valentine’s Day:

DON’T: 1. Don’t think about your past Valentine’s Day spent with your ex. That chapter of your life is done. Dwelling on the past may lead you to feeling sad or even second-guessing yourself.

2. Don’t think about what your ex may be doing or who he or she may be spending the holiday with. Thinking about this can make you angry, which will only hurt you.

3. Don’t overindulge in alcohol. This can make your current situation appear worse than it really is. It could give you the urge to contact your ex and give him or her your unfiltered negative thoughts about them.

This means no drunken texts or calls.

4. Don’t compare your current situation with where you thought you would be at this age or point in your life. There are no life rules that state you have to have a spouse by 30 years of age, a kid by 35, and 1.5 million dollars by 36.

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5. Don’t listen to love songs!! Music can have strong effects on moods. We want to stay positive on Valentine’s Day, so avoid the sappy romantic songs.

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cookies for each other and exchange homemade cards.

Do:

Let each person read what they wrote to 1. Do focus on your current loving the other person out loud. relationships. Write down 2 people that you are thankful for and love. Send them a 5. Be adventurous and attend a Singles text or phone call and tell them how much Valentine get together. Go online and find out what is going on in your area. their friendship means to you.

2. Do celebrate with a friend. Go out to Check out group sites like Meetup.com lunch or dinner with a friend for laughs and or Facebook groups and see if any group activities look interesting to you. companionship.

3. Do treat yourself to something Remember this is one day out of the year. special… because you are! Pamper yourself You will get through it! with a massage, go to the movies, or buy yourself a gift.

Leticia Murphy, 4.

Create a new tradition with your kids.

Have a family Valentine’s party where you decorate

Licensed Marriage and Family Therapist Licensed Alcohol & Drug Counselor (702)275-0473

www.leticiamurphytherapy.com

“Wake at dawn with a winged heart and give thanks for another day of KAHLIL GIBRAN

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I don’t want my child to be spoiled

By Abby Bordner www.relationshipbasedparenting.com

I

hear this a lot. Even from parents of babies!

This is one thing parents can agree on.

We don’t want to have THAT child. The spoiled one who cries about everything, gets whatever she wants and is demanding and bratty. Ugh! So, how do we, as parents, avoid raising a spoiled child?

hold her too much. She will get spoiled.”

Sometimes parents of toddlers say, “I can’t comfort her every time she cries.

She will get spoiled.” And parents of older children say, “If I help him when he can’t do something for himself, he’ll get spoiled.”Sometimes parents are misguided When I work with parents of a newborn in thinking, “If I withhold the comfort and baby, sometimes they say, “I don’t want to connection my child is asking for, he won’t

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be spoiled.” Actually, the problem is NOT world around them and how they manage too much attention. challenges and failures. When we can Children don’t have a natural tendency confidently accept our role as “authority” toward this behavior. Children don’t (which is NOT mean, angry or frightening) automatically fall into this behavior unless over our children, they will look to us for they find that it’s an effective way to get guidance and support. Healthy behavior what they want. Let’s be clear here. What is in children shows that they can manage the behavior of a “spoiled child”? Tantrums their disappointment when they don’t get to get something she wants (and usually what they want and they can communicate gets it). Demanding, controlling. Disregard effectively about what they need. That for other people or the surroundings he’s in. is what we want to see in our children Lack of respect for authority. Inconsiderate, INSTEAD of the behavior of a “spoiled child”. rude.

Of course, none of us want a child like that! “Spoiled child” behavior is a result of permissive parenting; when parents can’t/ don’t step confidently into their role as authority over their children.

Some parents accidently tend toward permissive parenting because they don’t want to hurt their child, they don’t want to be angry at their child or they don’t want to see their child suffer. That seems like noble motivation, right?! Especially if you were raised with authoritarian parents who “ruled with an iron fist”. Permissive parenting seems like the opposite. If I don’t rule at all, then my children won’t experience the fear, isolation and loneliness of parents who inflict punishment and anger to control behavior. Actually, your child needs you to lovingly keep him safe and teach him about the world around him.

Here are some tips to avoid “spoiling” your child: Offer love and connection as much as you can. Withholding your support is never a good parenting strategy. If they need you, find a way to be available for them.

Confidently say “No” sometimes. If the answer is “No” don’t tiptoe around it, apologize for it or become angry about it. A positive leader is decisive and clear AND loving at the same time. Say “no” and redirect. Don’t get pulled into the drama.

Explain your expectations and don’t be afraid to have high expectations of your child. Tell them that you expect them to act respectfully, speak to others kindly and be patient when the focus is not on them.

Be an ally to your child. Stay clear in your role to keep him safe and help him learn about So, the middle ground is relationship based the world around him. Don’t fall into the parenting. My philosophy prioritizes the trap of going on an emotional roller coaster relationship between parent and child as the ride that your child is leading. If your child is ultimate tool to teach respect, connection, falling apart, be the one who helps him find discipline and emotional health. As parents, his way back to a calm and connected place. we can impact how our children get their Your child will learn respect for you because needs met, how they interact with the you help him regulate his emotions.

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14 POWERFUL QUESTIONS

TO GET HER TO

OPEN UP

By Matt Ardisson The Attractive Man LLC www.theattractiveman.com

H

ow do you move from being complete strangers, to being deeply connected with someone?

How do you make her feel like she has known you for years, even though you have only been talking for minutes?

In order for her to have a sexual relationship with you, she needs to feel a connection with you.

Most guys ask questions to get to know her, but they don’t really “know her,” and she can feel that. They may ask her about her parents, favorite activities, and job, but they don’t dive in to how she really feels about the topic. They don’t find out what really makes her special. Every girl knows she is different and special, and she wants a guy to see that.

When you are the guy that truly understands her and sees her as a one-of-a-kind girl, then she will fall for you.

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Express that you really care about who she is, instead of just trying to get into her pants.

I have below some powerful questions that will help you build an intimate connection with a girl in the least time possible. First let me give you some guidelines.

Draw out her emotions and use the word “feel” in your language.

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For example, “what's one thing about your home town makes you feel warm and fuzzy inside?” I am basically asking her to feel “warm and fuzzy inside” and by doing this, you will see a noticeable shift in her emotions. She will light up.

one question, she will tell you about the man she wants in her life, what she likes doing, and the people that are important to her. Let her speak. Then go back and dive into the topics that really made her light up with joy.

Don’t jump to solve her problems. When women feel connected to you, they will want to share everything that is going on with their life, including problems. Don’t try to fix them. As men, we want to solve the problem, but she really just wants you to listen.

2. What is one thing are you really proud of that you don’t openly share with people?

Many people are proud of certain accomplishments or traits but they don’t share them because they don’t want to seem boastful. Here you are giving her permission to boast and will find out something interesting about her.

At first, she will give you the standard answer to your question, like she gives most guys. What you need to do is probe more to find out what is really important to her. Good follow up questions are, “Tell me more about that?” or “How do you feel about that?”

To truly create trust and connection, you must be vulnerable and share something revealing about yourself. Take the facade off and let her see who you really are inside.

Make sure you yourself have good answers to the questions you ask her because she may ask you the same question in return.

THE QUESTIONS

3. Tell me something personal about you that not more than 10 people know? This is a powerful question and will make her feel so connected with you. After all, she is sharing something she doesn’t share with most people and almost instantly you are in her closest circle of relationships. Make sure you have some level of rapport or she will not want to answer this one. You may get traumatic stories about rape, abuse, death etc. That is okay, just be ready for it and empathize with her. Remember, you are getting to know her so it is good if she opens up to you in this way. Your personal answer to this question should demonstrate good qualities about you.

Note: These questions are not intended to be asked consecutively like an interview. 4. What is your vision? Women have goals Weave them into the conversation naturally. too, not just men. Most guys get so wrapped up in their mission that they forget to listen 1. Imagine you could have your ideal day, to the needs of their woman. Ask her what what would it look like? Where would it she wants in life as well. be, who would it be with, and what would happen on this dream day of yours? This is 5. How are you? No really, how are you? a great question to elicit values. Within this When asked, “How are you?” or

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“How was your weekend?” most people give the short and generic “good” response.

They didn’t really answer the question. So challenge them to answer the question.

Tell them, “No really, how are you?” or “No really, how was your weekend?” By doing this, you are demonstrating your power and concern for them. You will also learn more about them. Get into the habit of also giving a real answer when asked these questions. If you don’t have time to dive into their weekend, say “Good morning,” “good afternoon” or “good evening” instead.

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8. Who has been an influential role model to you?

9. What’s the most memorable book (movie, concert, etc.) you have ever read?

10. What are you passionate about in life right now?

11. Tell me about your family. What are they like?

12. What was the happiest day of your life?

13. What do you think I am like?” You’ll get useful feedback on how you’re doing and 6. Tell me something interesting about how she perceives you. yourself. My go-to qualification question.

14. What role would you like to play in a 7. Where did you grow up? What did you movie? like about that?

Remember, find out who she REALLY is.

The Attractive Man Team

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AWAKENING THROUGH

ART

The Joyful Heart / Oquawka

by Janie “Oquawka” Rezner, MA, Spiritual Feminist Warrior Divorce 411 February 2015 |

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H E A L I N G

T H R O U G H

The Joyful Heart came along with many other paintings during a time of great inspiration. When I look at the Joyful Heart with its vibrant rays of reds and oranges, and golden yellows streaming out behind it, the holy light, . . I feel it is saying as it appears to move toward us, that we are on the path to healing! And that in spite of how life looks and how we feel right now, underneath, beneath our gaze, humanity is flowering into an amazing shift. And, oh such joy!

Casting off the patriarchal model of “domination, violence, power-over and greed,” we can dare to hope again as love, nurturing and justice for all, guided by the deep wisdom of our Mother, the Heart of Love, returns to our world. I say to all women, “Trust your feelings, and stand in your Truth.”

We have been missing your voices. It is through the Mother that spirit manifests into body. We come to recognize that we are all, woman and man alike, children of one great Mother and are filled with gratitude for this gift of life on our beautiful earth, where all life is sacred!!

----

I am a mother, and great grandmother,

born and raised on a farm in Illinois in 1933. I have been singing publicly most of my life, inspired as a child by listening to my mother’s beautiful alto voice I have an undergraduate degree in music. After 46 years in the Midwest, and three children, where, I might add, my children and I survived 20 years of two abusive marriages at a time when the word “relationship” didn’t exist, nor did the word “sexual abuse, ” I moved to Berkeley California, and received 20 | Divorce 411 February 2015

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a master’s degree in clinical psychology at John F. Kennedy University, expecting to be a healer in the world. Instead, I began a profound spiritual journey inward, initiated by the heart-wrenching separation from a man I deeply loved. The loss of the Mother and the subsequent devastating abuse of our planet Earth by patriarchal domination, was powerfully revealed to me through that crack in the cosmic egg.

I express this awakening through music and art and sculpture and writing, in fact, all of my life is devoted to heralding the return of the Mother, the Great Ancestress, from the depth of soul into our awakening consciousness. I speak especially to elder women. We are the ones to speak up, the ones to be listened too. Life has been very out of kilter without the wise, nurturing and protecting, compassionate and compelling words of the Mother and the Grandmother.

We must now step up and dare to be heard!

I make the mystical sounding triple chambered ocarina from clay, which plays three tones at once. I am a programmer on KZYX radio on Women’s Voices, interviewing women from around the world who dedicate their lives to making a difference in this very troubled world.

Janie Rezner, MA Spiritual Feminist Warrior

www.janierezner.com

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LIVING AND PAINTING OUTSIDE THE LINES FOR VALENTINES

Express yourself at your local paint and party studio. They have been opening around town here in Vegas. My favorite is Pinot’s Palette 2260 Village Walk Dr., Suite 104, Henderson, NV 89052. They have an art class on February 10th to set the mood called P.S. I Love You. Find a location close to you by visiting www.pinotspalette.com which has studios in more than 30 states. The creative and artistic impulse exists within each of us. It is part of our spirit. Even if you haven’t picked up a paintbrush since grade school, your desire to express yourself creatively is expressed daily, throughout your home and even in the choices you make when you get dressed.

“Every child is an artist. The question is how to remain an artist once we grow up.” ~ PA B LO P I C A S S O Divorce 411 February 2015 |

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GALLERY OF HEARTS

www.suziecheel.com

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“Ever has it been that love know not its own depth until the hour of separation.” - K A H L I L G I B R A N

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“Heart Expansion” Melissa D’ Antoni

www.firetreestudios.com

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Melissa D’Antoni is an artist and created the Fire Tree Method and founded the Fire Tree Studios in Austin, TX The Fire Tree Method® has been birthed out of a desire for deep connection, to self and Other and to experience freedom & true self-expression– to create without inhibitions, realize our creative potential by aligning with our authentic selves and to manifest these visions into reality. Transforming ourselves. Transforming our world.

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Painting the Essence of Living Aloha Patrice Federspiel was born in Port Washington, WI, and followed her dream

of being a full time, self-employed artist in the year 2000 when she moved to Hawaii. For 15 years, Federspiel paints and teaches watercolor classes privately, at the Honolulu Museum of Art, and gives workshops across the country. She finds teaching others to paint is extremely satisfying Federspiel says,. Your first relationship is with yourself. YOU are the most important element in all your creative endeavors. Always remember this! Remember this before, during, and after your projects.� www.artofaloha.com

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 www.facebook.com/PatriceArtOfAloha

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Carol Suzanne Niebuhr Hearts and Fireflies Divorce 411 February 2015 |

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About Carol Suzanne Niebuhr As far as I’m concerned a painting speaks for itself. Paintings are messages from the heart. No explanation is necessary. If you don’t understand it, you just don’t get it and it’s not a message to you.

I have education in art (maybe too much or maybe not enough depending on who you ask) I have a BFA degree and a post graduate studies, but I think that the best education in painting is doing it and doing it with passion and enthusiasm and energy every day.

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​RECOMMENDED READING How To Divorce As Friends And Maybe Save Your Marriage

How you interact with the other person determines what will happen in your relationship. You can either act in a way that ends conflict, heals your relationship, and forwards cooperation or you can act in a way that creates more pain and suffering. Usually, we create more pain and suffering.

We have so much hurt and resentment, we lose our ability to see clearly. All we can do is fight, resist, hang on, and withdraw. This in turn destroys love and creates a destructive cycle of conflict.

Whether you want to divorce as friends or save your marriage, you need to do the same thing. You need to end the conflict and heal your relationship, not necessarily as husband and wife, but as one human being to another. Use this site to walk through the steps.http://www.divorceasfriends.com/

Divorce with Grace: A Book of Hope and Healing

Publisher’s Summary: A step-by-step guide to healing, releasing, and ultimately thriving. When you walked down the aisle and said, “I do,” did you ever think you’d be saying, “I don’t”? During a difficult divorce, author Lori Anderson set out on a quest for healing. Having witnessed too many victims of divorce, who were stuck in a rut and living only half a life, she sought something better for herself.

In Divorce with Grace, Anderson share her experience and hard won insights, guiding you through the steps of GRACE, she discovered. This audiobook will inspire you to live full out, and ultimately see the light after divorce. She provides exercises and healing techniques to expedite your healing process, conscious choices to “become better, not bitter”, helpful advice and selfcare techniques that assist you during the emotionally charged divorce process… so you can get on with your amazing life.

Listeners will come away with grace for themselves, grace for the situation, and even grace for their ex. You’ll gain clarity on what you truly want in this new phase of your life. Through the GRACE journey, divorce can be an exciting, exploratory time that catapults you to a richer, juicier life.

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MANTERIOR DESIGN

Interior Design Services For Men We provide assistance for men facing divorce, separation, the loss of a spouse, or relocation to a new residence.

While in the midst of transition you have little time to devote to finding, furnishing and setting up a household that can accommodate your new life, children and pets.

We assist in finding you a new home, inventory of your existing furnishings and selection of needed items. We also offer individual room design, professional organizing and de-cluttering.

We will coordinate deliveries, manage outside contractors, and make the move as painless as possible!

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Lori Brown Interior Designer (702) 236-7897 lbrownone1@gmail.com www.manteriordesign.net

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Online Dating Profiles TRUE OR TOO GOOD TO BE TRUE

By Lori Brown

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etting back to dating after divorce is a big step. It’s understandable to find online dating intimidating, desperate and scary, especially if you have been out of the dating pool for a while. Like most things, it’s the lack of familiarity and understanding that has probably created the uncertainty and fear.

Online dating is a great resource if handled properly and has become so mainstream with millions of people on these sites, many of which are of great quality. With online Don’t meet for dinner or anything else that shopping you can find things anywhere in is too big of a time commitment on the first the world and there are infinite possibilities. meeting.

The same rules apply to dating.

If there are ANY red flags or bad signs during The first step is to only sign up for one site to the emails or during the phone call, end it. begin with, and it’s critical that you control Remember that there are tons of prospects the process by creating your own search with online. And if something negative surfaces your own criteria and then carefully review this early, be glad it did early and move on. those that email you first and only respond RED FLAGS to the ones you like. It might be tempting to respond to all, but for the sake of time When combing through the countless management and not getting overwhelmed, profiles, there are several things to be vigilant go for the ones you like right off the bat and about in people’s descriptions of themselves if necessary, revisit the others later. and their interests. The following Top-Ten “Red Flags” to look for in reviewing profiles: Once you’ve found a couple of great matches email back and forth first a few times before – If their profile photo is a cell phone exchanging cell phone numbers. Then have picture of a much older “Polaroid” picture a chat. Hopefully it feels easy and fun and if you can be certain that they no longer even it does, arrange to meet for a coffee, lunch, slightly resemble their old photo. Also or a drink in a public place. beware of the photo taken from a long

#10

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distance away in an iconic setting. It is also an indicator that it is not recent, or that there is something hideously wrong with them close up. If the rest of the profile interests you, request a recent photo. If they refuse, move on. You will most likely not even recognize them if you do eventually meet.

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#8 - If their photo depicts them posing

with their favorite toy (motorcycle, boat, sports car, etc.) it’s probable that their toys take up much of their spare time and disposable income. Also remember, it’s entirely possible that the photo was taken in a parking lot in front of a car (boat, If they identify themselves as motorcycle, etc.) that is not even theirs! “athletic”, but the photo shows one too – If their photo includes pictures of many chins; assume that their sport of their children, it’s safe to assume that the choice is “beer curling” and move on (unless children are an integral part of their lives, of course this is also one of your hobbies!) and therefore, your life as well. If you’re If they describe themselves as having “a ok with that scenario, proceed. If you few extra pounds”, be prepared for at least also have children of the same ages, play 10 to 20lbs more than the posted photo. dates are a great way to assess their level This is true of men and women! of involvement and gauge how much free time they will have to spend with you.

#9 –

#7

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#6 – If their photos include pictures #2 – If their photo and/or profile show with their pets, know that the pet is the creature that they most likely spend the majority of their time with, so you must be comfortable with being around the beast.

If you have allergies or phobias about their particular species, move on. They will not pick you over their pets!

#5

– Pay particular attention to the background of the photo on their profile.

If it is a selfie taken in a public restroom, it’s safe to assume that they couldn’t find one friend willing to take a picture for them. Enough said!

#4

– Again, the background of the photo is full of information you might want to consider before reaching out. If the background is in their home and it is the traditional “man cave” décor, assess whether it is a place that you would be comfortable eventually visiting and spending time. Also consider that the mess you see may become the mess that you will be cleaning up should the relationship progress to the next level. Unfortunately, there is no way of sampling the aromatics of the rooms!!

#3 – If their photos show them primarily from the neck down showing off their “guns” and abs, know that a lot of time is spent in the gym perfecting that physique.

If you are also a gym rat, proceed. It might be a great way to connect and get to know each other better without the stress of an awkward social setting.

them with their former spouse, and contain key phrases such as “must be faithful”, it’s safe to say that they are still harboring feelings or resentment for the ex and may need more time to recover from the betrayal. If you are willing to be the “rebound relationship”, proceed. If they are pictured surrounded by others and you must guess which one they are, it is a ploy to get you to open their profile and be drawn in by their profile responses.

BONUS TIP* If they profess to be a highlevel executive but can’t string together a coherent sentence, or don’t use correct spelling and grammar, beware. It’s common for people to “round up” on their title or profession when given a limited list from which to select their occupation.

#1 – If all of the photos on their profile

show them with serious, non-smiling expressions it’s a good indication that they either don’t have anything to smile about EVER, or that their smile (teeth) are not in the best of condition. If a nice smile is on your list of “must haves”, request additional photos to confirm that they indeed have teeth and can actually smile!

If you follow these guidelines you will be in control of the process and eventually find yourself enjoying reading the profiles.

Be relaxed about it, know that you’re behind a computer screen at first so there is less pressure, and be thankful that this resource exists so that we no longer have to meet people randomly in bars.

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YOUR EXCUSE, YOUR SOLUTION

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e have all told ourselves little stories to convince ourselves that we don’t have to work out or we can eat that cookie.

I would say that 99% of these excuses are false, yet we make ourselves believe them.

WHY? Does your subconscious want to gain weight, have high cholesterol, high glucose, and die faster? We need to get rid of this pesky little voice in our heads, and take control of our lives – be healthy!

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PrimalFitnessLV.com

When we talk about exercise, at Primal Fitness, we are not talking in extremes.

Our philosophy is to work on functional movement and overall fitness.

We don’t believe it is healthy to diet or have extreme workouts without preparation.

Our focus is your inner and functional health while giving you the tools to achieve your goals in appearance.

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Many of our clients surpass their original goals and reach higher fitness levels than they ever imagined. You can do it too! Here are some great ideas to wean you off your excuses and onto your road to success.

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SOLUTION: Get a trainer.

Did you modify your diet, change your lifestyle, and increase your energy output?

If you feel as though, you truly gave it your all, and you didn’t see results, you need EXCUSE: “I’m too tired” someone educated to help you. You may not be doing the exercises correctly or the SOLUTION: Exercise actually gives you exercises needed to meet your goals. All too energy! often I see people who are unsure of what STOP being lazy! This is America, land of they are doing or have copied someone else work work work, we are all tired. who didn’t know what they were doing.

This can very easily lead to injury, as well When you exercise, your body releases our as no results. feel good hormones, endorphins. These contribute to feelings of energy and positive EXCUSE: “I don’t know what I’m doing” mood.

SOLUTION: Get a trainer.

EXCUSE: “ I have kids and a family to take No one expects you to be an expert. That’s care of first” why the experts at Primal Fitness are here.

SOLUTION: Use their time as your time.

Primal Fitness focuses on form, functional movement and your individual goals.

When your kids are at practice, use another When starting a new regimen you need to part of the field to work out. When they start with the foundational movements to are doing homework, showering or playing ensure proper form and safety. If you jump at their friend’s house – this is all you time! into more difficult movements, injury is Put down the dishes and the laundry! Take imminent.

30 minutes for you, you deserve it. How Mention this article for a FREE consult and can you help others that you love, when one FREE personal training session. Contact you aren’t happy with yourself?

Primal Fitness (Stefania Barker) at 702-956EXCUSE: “I’ve already tried, it doesn’t 3488 or VISIT US at PrimalFitnessLV.com or work” email Primal_FitnessLV@yahoo.com

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How to Heal The Past With Your Ex

by Allana Pratt, Intimacy Expert www.allanapratt.com

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y Facebook friend Dave asked:

letting another’s actions determine your happiness, and you’re giving your power, freedom, potency and capacity to create change away to her, instead of claiming it back and creating beyond this experience.

I’ve got major issues with my ex, which I won’t go into (unless you need me to in order to give an opinion) but I’m curious how you all managed to clean your past up and move to a more positive mind set? But how, right?

Answer: Glorious man. Ahhhh… in this very moment, notice your breathing, your posture, your muscles in your face, your emotions as you say, “I’ve got major issues with my ex.” Now, I’m totally sure you are validated in having issues… believe me!

However, notice the way you have chosen to react to her behaviors, notice how you are not at peace, not calm, not expansive.

This is another way of saying you’re

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I only know because I failed at it for about a decade. Yup, lots of experience over here on how not to do that. Yet, what better expert now to share how to successfully “clean up your past and move onto a more positive mindset.”

Don’t go ‘in there’ alone. When dealing with deep feelings of rage, sadness, shame, hopelessness, feeling impotent to change things, be sure to get a qualified coach, like

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me, or an expert in this field to navigate the darkness with, someone to listen without judgment, someone who help transform and evolve the feelings into present moment wisdom and power for you.

Don’t blame her or you. Blame simply blocks healing. There are truths to discover, potencies to emerge, awarenesses to receive that cannot show up if you blame.

Be in allowance of all that was and is… breathe, open, accept and ask “What is right about this I’m not getting? What’s the gift here? What is life trying to show me here?

If the Universe was totally on my side for my highest evolution and gave me this as the perfect teaching, what is the lesson?”

Don’t be all rainbows and bunny rabbits.

What I mean by this is that some ex’s are just a pain in the ass, unwilling to grow and evolve and get ‘off’ on f@#ing with you. So you’re not supposed to be ‘good enough’ when you’re best friends with your ex and until then you’re ‘bad and wrong’. The target we’re going for is allowance and non judgment, where you’re not triggered by her behavior, you know it’s not personal, you’ve done your forgiveness work of her and you, and you handle events with her like you handle the grocery shopping, tax preparation, taking out the garbage, shoveling the driveway… just something to do…and your attitude makes all the difference.

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really matters in life. Forgiveness and letting go of anger to fully embrace your dreams.

Creating a life beyond another’s opinion of you or actions. Not taking things personally and asking questions about how life could get even more delicious than this. Being a parent that helps their kids navigate the other parent’s world without name calling, true empowerment life skills. Staying open to miracles…

I could go on and on about even more things I’ve learned, yet, as you can see, you can build a frenzy of positive states, openheartedness, expansive thinking, courageous dream building, which makes you super sexy as opposed to going on a date with you and watching you tweak and twerk your face when the topic of your ex comes up. That will make a quality woman run for the hills… or attract a woman who’s still hooked by HER ex and together you’ll have double the drama. No thank you!

I didn’t get through this overnight. I had many coaches (and still do!) to help me see my blind spots and grow. I used to be infuriated by people who were mean on purpose. My view of life didn’t include that.

It through my whole belief in Truth Wins and Love Conquers All into dismay, then I saw the gift of my ex in awakening my grandeur. Granted it’s been super uncomfy, scary, infuriating and humbling, yet I friggen love who I’ve become and I keep falling more madly in love with me, with my son, with Life and with the Universe because of this journey. I don’t call it a custody battle anymore. I call it a PHD in Consciousness.

Dr. Pratt. That’s right.

Choose to be Grateful: Every day until it becomes completely ingrained in your body and being, be grateful for every friggen’ thing that’s better in your life because of her. For example: kids. Your growth. Your capacity to be more conscious and non judgmental. It would be the greatest deepest honor and Your strength to find a deep connection pleasure and privilege to support you on with your truest self, your heart and what your journey.

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Going it alone is about the worst choice you could make. Someone kind, tender, potent and successful at navigating through this is a priceless gift to ensure you succeed and keep living with your heart open, for you, for your kids, for your love to be. So connect with me for a potent LoveLifeChanging Strategy Session by signing up at www.AllanaPratt.com/ strategy. And as friends of Divorce 411 Magazine, put in the coupon code ‘friend’ and you will receive a substantial discount. I’m not inexpensive, yet I have total certainty and confidence that I can heal this situation as I have with nearly 1000 people around this beautiful planet, just like you. The more you value you, value your healing and growth, the more life values you back with peace, ease, love and success. Promise.

“In the sweetness of friendship, let there be laughter and the sharing of pleasure.

For in the dew of little things , the heart finds it morning and is refreshed.”

KAHLIL GIBRAN

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Getting Through the Trauma of Divorce Falling in and out of love

By Joy Huntsman, Master Coach, Consultant & Facilitator

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ivorce can traumatize. If you’re going through it or just experienced it, this is not news to you. Panic attacks. Insomnia.

Crippling back pain. Scientists now believe break-ups take a worrying toll on our health How can a relationship that started off in bliss end in such agony?

How does someone you thought you knew turn into such a monster? The experience leaves you numb and full of self-doubt, recriminations, remorse and facing rapid changes that were not anticipated.

Love changes the physiology of the brain.

Dopamine, adrenaline, and norepinephrine are released.

You experience trust at its most basic level.

That is why lovers are so openly vulnerable and often act like happy kids together. It’s no wonder falling in love can be addictive.

These powerful hormones effect reasoning, overwhelm our decision making.

An otherwise sane woman who succumbs to the chemistry can become obsessive and compulsive.

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It’s the biology of the ages that drives a a finger with a hammer, they usually recall man to hunt and conquer. the brand of tool, how high the roof was, The bio-chemistry might tie and bind us and who was in the playoffs at the time.

with its commonality, but its effects on Physical trauma happens to your body. men and women are remarkably different. Psychological trauma affects your brain We operate differently. These differences and your mind. The traumatic response are important to understand so that you is characterized by debilitating anxiety, can understand why divorce leaves you overwhelming vulnerability, flashbacks and an inability to cope. In a traumatic divorce, feeling traumatized to the core. the process triggers survival instincts: Women deal with physical trauma fight, flight or freeze. You find yourself in differently than men. They can cut or the midst of burdensome litigation, public burn themselves in the kitchen countless screaming matches, physical aggression, times and get bumps and bruises and or you just shut down. Sound familiar? not remember where or when the injury occurred. Women tend to live outside of A traumatic experience threatens your their body. They are more aware of how well-being. And divorce may not be a battle it looks than how it feels. Men live inside wound from a far off war, but believe me their bodies. If they injure themselves, hit -- it can traumatize.

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The good news is that you can survive! The more you understand what your mind and body is enduring, the more compassionate you become with yourself and you can begin the first step towards healing – acceptance.

You trusted and lost. Your brain was open to love and safety, and now it has to cope with betrayal and abandonment. You no longer feel safe. You feel alone, and your brain is programmed to protect you -- even According to Mark Banschick, MD there if you end up in more trouble because of are three basic kinds of trauma and divorce the inability to assess a threat accurately. can trigger one -- if not all three: Many people experience trauma of one ACUTE TRAUMA: Things can be fine, then kind or another. The key is to overcome the a single, horrible event threatens your life instinctual fight-flight response in favor of and safety; this is acute trauma. A divorce what’s best for you and your children. can trigger sudden violence; think about the danger of an unstable parent losing a custody hearing. Eventually, you may be safe, but nightmares follow.

COMPLEX TRAUMA: You’re trapped in a life of hostility and rejection. It’s like a thousand cuts, rather than one big one.

Children experience complex trauma when they cannot get away from a relentlessly critical parent. A hateful husband or wife can segue into a hateful ex. Sometimes there is no good escape, even after you’ve left.

POST-TRAUMATIC STRESS DISORDER (PTSD): The classic form of PTSD dealt with victims of war, who would have flashbacks of battlefield trauma months, if not years, later. In the heat of a malignant divorce, you can develop PTSD. You may have flashbacks of abuse, or anticipate being attacked, many months down the road.

Here are some tips that will help you through the process of recovery, restored self-esteem, and a renewed sense of self-confidence:

1. Acknowledge that your divorce may have been traumatic: perhaps your trust and safety have been violated. It’s devastating, but you must find a way to think clearly; there’s a lot at stake. Allow yourself to express your feelings. One of the best tools is to journal your feelings. Whether it is rage or sadness or outright fear – write your feelings down. Journaling can be very healing. It’s a time where you can tell your truth to your Self without judgment or filters.

2. Grieve. You must mourn whatever you lost -- the loss of family, the loss of love, a picture of what you imagined the future to be. Very often my clients will discover that they mourn the death of the fantasy of how they thought their life was going to Not all divorces result in trauma to the be and face the reality of what is. Again, psyche. Some divorces end relatively pouring out your feelings in your journal is smoothly, with friendship and respect therapeutic and private. trumping anger and retribution. And some 3. Consider a professional life coach, which divorces traumatize. can be enormously helpful: One should never grieve alone, and telling the tale of

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the trauma can help you gain some mastery over it. A coach will support you on the journey from trauma to living a joyful and productive life. A coach can help delve into family history. Present day traumas often link back to hurts of childhood, making you more vulnerable. A professional coach helps you discover different perspectives and reveal the damage that contributed to you picking the partner you did. The value of coaching is to help you see the light at the end of the tunnel, to recognize the life lessons presented so they are not repeated, and to help you create a new life strategy.

4. Learn the lesson your life is teaching you. Once you do this, you will not face it again. Very often clients will discover in the first session that their initial reaction to the person they married wasn’t favorable. They didn’t trust their own feelings. Learning to trust your Self is the greatest life lesson of all. We often listen to everyone, except ourselves.

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5. Remember: we cannot change people.

This leads us to the second step towards healing – forgiveness. You’re angry at them for showing up as who they are and not as who we wanted them to be. The anger intensifies at ourselves for ignoring the message we got right from the start of the relationship. Breathe. Your life is about to get so much better.

You are not a trauma victim, but rather a person who experienced trauma. There is a difference. Learn to own your trauma, deal with the injustice of it, and begin rebuilding your life. Healed. Healthy. Through this process you take your power back. You begin to listen to the wise voice within you.

Whether you are a mother or a father, boyfriend or girlfriend, or now, a husband or a wife, moving past trauma is good for you. It’s also good for those you love.

You can contact Joy at www.joyandassociates. com or 702-721-8569.

“Life without love is like a tree without blossom or fruit.”

Kahlil Gibran

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WHAT MOVIE ARE YOU

LI V I NG?

By Jesse Nichols George Motivational Speaker, Author, Integrated Development

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ow many times have you heard the expression “life is just a dream” or “life is like a movie”? What are the roles or characters that you take on in life? Is your story a sitcom, drama, tragedy, comedy, romance, or adventure?

Whether conscious or not, I would say we all take on roles of some sort in life; or at least have people around us that are playing a lot of roles. Even if we are very authentic in how we live, we are likely to have a theme of sorts that plays out for us in our life.

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I remember at a challenging part in my life; I often would say “If this wasn’t my life, it would be really funny”. Often times, it helped me to remember life is funny; even if it doesn’t feel that way, we just need to be able to lighten up.

Perhaps that is playing into effect even more today; as there is a tendency to take things too seriously or to be too sensitive about things. It is in that process that we can become aware of our attachments, and what we are holding onto too tightly. It is a good sign that we are overly stressed, and need a time out or some recess time. Yes, I am making a parallel to children; because often times we are being immature in this process. Kids know there need to be lots of breaks, and as adults, we should heed this past knowledge.

I think the key is that it is important to remember that we are the director of our own life story. Each character is going to play their role; and sometimes they will throw in some twists and turns and suspense. Keeping this in mind it also reminds us that we can change the story line at any time.

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We are able to keep being a certain type of character in a certain type of story; or we can change our character into something else and shift the story.

Burt Kempner actually works with people in what he refers to as Life Scripting. I find this to be a very interesting and valuable concept. Imagine if you could see what was happening in your life like a movie.

Seeing the different characters thoughts, plots, etc.; and being able to see your own actions from their perspectives and as a viewer, instead of just in the midst of it.

It seems to me that this is very valuable.

I have often looked around at the people and situations in my life to see the patterns and roles that are playing out.

In doing this, it has also given me greater insight into what is actually happening in a situation, people’s intentions, and the action that would be wise to take.

What is the character you are playing and what characters are those around you playing? What type of movie are you living? How are you scripting your own life?

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How taking personal responsibility saved my marriage Anonymous

E

verything I have ever read about marriage would say that I had definite grounds for divorce, and believe me; I would threaten that over and over again even though my husband wanted to stay married.

It wasn’t until he finally told me that he wanted a divorce did I come to a sort of panic realization that even given all of his problems, that is not what I really wanted nor was it what I felt we should do based on my own childhood experience in blended families or answers to my personal prayers.

I believed in keeping families together, and I knew far too many people where divorce and remarriage didn’t really solve their problems, just created new ones. I also knew that just like I wouldn’t want to give up on any of my children, I knew that I shouldn’t give up on my husband or our marriage.

my marriage, I decided to do everything I could to salvage our sacred union and keep our family together.

Because of the realization that my whole life and family could be adversely affected if we were to divorce, and I could eventually live in deep regret; I was thus in a place where I knew that I needed to truly be guided by divine inspiration having already experienced what damage the natural women in me could do to sabotage our marriage. I became very prayerful and dependent on having God guide my thoughts and actions. I listened carefully to what my Heavenly Father was saying to me through the scriptures. I was inspired to read books that changed how I felt about our situation and gave me insight that was life changing. I ignored what had been done to me and prayed to know the truth about myself; and I kept a journal about all the thoughts and inspiration I was receiving in order to not only save my marriage, but to become the person God wanted me to be.

It was at that time that I remembered something I learned from a marriage counselor at a family relations seminar. He said that a marriage could be successful What has happened since I made that with just one of the partners is working on discovery and changed my focus to my own it. With that in mind, and in an effort to save sins has been nothing short of a miracle.

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Initially it was quite painful to realize the part I have played in the difficulties of my marriage. I was grieved to come to know how closed off and bitter my heart had become and how much damage my efforts in judging, trying to control, punish, and criticize had done.

and justification. Actually before they had a chance to learn for themselves, I would want to stand in their way and try to take away their freedom to choose until it got to the point that they would want to hide and lie in order to be in charge of their own life and do what they wanted to do thus I was brought to the stark realization that driving a wedge between us and driving trying to control someone to do what I them to situations where temptation was believed is right for them is controlling and even greater. counterproductive even if I only wanted it for their good. I was awakened to the truth I realized that I had a part of how my “good intentions” in controlling, in creating vulnerability judging, and criticizing had diminished and separation that could another person’s value and thus created a make someone more sort of depression that can make someone susceptible in seeking more vulnerable to behavior to try and seek destructive offerings temporary comfort.

No, I can’t take responsibility for someone else’s choices and my behavior can NEVER justify someone’s destructive choices, but I realized that I had a part in creating vulnerability and separation that could make someone more susceptible in seeking destructive offerings for temporary relief and pleasure.

I also learned that although I had been born with a natural inclination to be obedient, that other people might not have that tendency. It had then been so easy for me to self-righteously look down on them and keep wondering why they are so stupid and feel justified in judging them and feeling superior.

If someone told me not to touch the hot stove because I would get burned, I would simply comply; and when other people had touched it and got burned, I would want to scold them and inflict more pain all the while feeling a righteous indignation

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for temporary relief and pleasure.

What I have come to learn is that all people learn in different ways, and some people learn best from making mistakes. Actually we all do, but some more than others. For those who have to learn the hard way, I was foolish to think I should try and control them and not allow that opportunity to follow their own unique path, and even more foolish not to be a safe place to land when they did make those mistakes because I couldn’t be as understanding and compassionate due to my natural obedient and compliant nature. Coming to me or even worse, getting found out, meant they would risk hearing the self-righteous “I told you so” condemnation and having to endure my added form of punishment either in an angry display or the silent treatment (both forms of control) that would destroy our healthy bond.

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I have also come to the compassionate realization that people don’t usually act out towards blatant malice to hurt others.

If they do something that offends or hurts us, usually it is an attempt to find a way to deal with their own pain by finding some sort of comfort even if it is harmful to themselves and others. In this way, I have learned to resist taking their missteps as a calculating aim to hurt me and thus be in a better position to be compassionate and understanding of their pain rather than be entirely focused and consumed with the hurt and angry about my pain.

faith and a commitment to stay the course no matter how he responded. I was amazed at how he was more open to eventually coming to his own inspiration from God that led to owning his own responsibility and seeking his own forgiveness. It was as if my focus on my own sins took away his focus on defending himself from my controlling, critical, and judgmental attacks that allowed him to safely do what he needed to do to own up to his accountability.

Even though my work wasn’t focused on changing my husband, the change in me as I recognized my own shortcomings brought about a tremendous change of heart in my husband, but it was only after a trial of my

put me in a more humble place that has produced more love and understanding and slowly but surely making my marriage healthy and satisfying.

I have come to truly know that it is not what happens to us that matter, it is how we respond to what happens to us. I As hard as it was to see my own sins, at now know that when my response is the same time it became very liberating to one of taking personal responsibility and really have something to work on that I had repentance, then I am placing myself on complete control of instead of trying to focus a path of healing. I wish I could say the and change someone else, which violates miraculous results were immediate, but it freedom of choice and is unproductive and took years for me to overcome my natural frustrating to the point of resentment. I inclinations and years to heal the damage I also enjoyed peace and closeness to my had caused in our marriage, and years for Heavenly Father as I sought His help in my husband to learn to trust me in addition overcoming my own unrighteous thoughts to being able to trust him. and sinful tendencies, and I gained a new Our love and affection for each other has appreciation for the healing power of increased as we have both focused on our seeking forgiveness. Because I discovered own sins. I know that my marriage has been for myself how difficult it is to overcome saved and will continue to prosper, as I am the bad habits established as I was living willing to acknowledge when I have made contrary to true and healthy principles, I mistakes and seek forgiveness and change. also gained new compassion and patience I can now honestly say how grateful I am for loved ones who were fighting their own for a painful and difficult journey that has battle with sin and bad habits. I came to a taught me so much. I have been forced to realization that we are all sinners and all of learn things about myself that I believe us fall short, and that it would be extremely I couldn’t have learned in any other way. pious of me to believe that I am not as much I have learned so much about the power of a sinner as someone else. of being forgiven and in forgiving. It has

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Bead of Doubt

A Divorced Diva Mini-Mystery REPRINT PERMISSION GRANTED

By Tonya Kappes

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“Holly? Is something wrong?” Cheri asked as I shivered in the falling snow. “Come in.”

“I’m okay.” I said through my chattering teeth. With the sun going down, the temperature was dropping quickly. I vigorously rubbed my hands up and down my arms.

“I just brewed some coffee. Would you like a cup?” She pointed to the percolating coffee maker on the counter in the kitchenette.

“That would be great.” I puffed some hot breath on my freezing hands.

“So what’s up?” Cheri handed me a mug.

The futon was already made out into a bed.

“I’m sorry. Did I disturb you?” I asked and nonchalantly looked around.

There was nothing there but a duffle bag with clothes sticking out of it. Just the futon with a cover and pillow, and the kitchen. There wasn’t any tables, drawers, or television.

“I was just reading.” She pointed to a stack of books sitting on the floor. “You really scared me though. I’m not used to getting visitors. I’ll be right back. I need to go to the bathroom.”

I smiled and took a sip of the coffee. It would be hard to hide anything in here, I thought, looking around the efficiency. Cheri had nothing. And I mean nothing.

I went into the kitchen to peek in the drawers. They were empty. No silverware, plates, or napkins. All she had was a coffee maker and a couple mugs.

“You’re lucky I didn’t genie you.” She yelled from the bathroom.

“Genie me?” I wondered if I heard her correctly.

She came out of the bathroom and laughed. “Yep. This.”

CHAPTER EIGHT Cheri would be my next stop and probably the easiest of all.

I questioned myself on the drive over about Jim’s offer about the security cameras. I should’ve taken the free one month trial. Then I would’ve known who took the Spinet.

I pulled up in front of the shop and parked the Focus. I walked around the building and climb up the metal stairs.

I knocked on the apartment door.

“Who’s there?” Cheri demanded on the other side of the door.

“It’s me, Holly.” I said in a sweet tone. I had no idea how I was going to explain why I was there, but the last two excuses hadn’t failed me.

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Cheri did some sort of move with her hands in front of her body. It looked like karate.

“I’m glad you didn’t.” I said. I doubt she’d hurt me. She’d have to go through the extra weight first.

“I take karate a couple nights a week. I’m so tired by the time I get home, I usually read then go to bed.” She sat down on the futon. “If I have homework, I generally do it before karate in my car.”

There was an odd silence that hung between us. I tried to think of something, but nothing was coming to me.

“So, what did you want? You aren’t regretting renting me the apartment, are you?” Cheri asked with a look of fear in her eyes.

“No, no. I. . .” I took another drink to buy some more time.

“I wanted to know if you wanted to be an honorary Diva since you’ll be seeing me and the girls a lot. We’d love to have you.”

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“Oh, okay.” Cheri smiled. “I’d love to. But you have to come to karate with me sometimes.

You need to be able to protect yourself, Holly. Plus it’s great exercise.”

Yeah, that. Here comes the weight thing.

“Actually I do need to lose some pounds.” I pulled the elastic out and let it snap back in place. “I gained it after my divorce. Do you mind if I go to the bathroom before I leave?”

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You go to Sean’s and take money. Then you go to Flora’s acting like you committed some big crime. After you left Flora, she called Sean who jumped in his truck to find you because Flora was worried sick that you were going to pass out at the wheel Then he turned around and followed you to the bead shop where you went to Cheri’s apartment for God knows what. Then you end up here.”

“Even though we are divorced, I still care about you.” Sean said in a pathetic attempt to be sympathetic.

“No, go ahead.” Cheri said.

I broke down and cried like a baby. I buried my head in my hands, my shoulders bounced up and down as I cried.

It was the last place I could look for the Spinet before I moved on to the final suspect’s house.

“It can’t be that bad.” Flora rubbed my back. “The Divas can fix this.”

I locked the door and began to go through the medicine cabinet. Nothing but ginseng, red root, and tampons were in there. Nothing that resembled a pouch or anything yellow.

I looked up. All of them were staring at me like I needed to be in a padded room.

“Okay. I’m going home now.” I smiled and waved my hand.

“Is that what you really wanted?” Cheri’s curiosity was peeked. “I mean, I thought you left a couple hours ago. It could’ve waited until tomorrow.”

Damn!

“No it couldn’t. I want you to feel welcome, that’s all.” I zipped my coat up and waved without saying goodbye.

If Ginger were here, she’d be able to read me like a book.

I didn’t want to tell anyone that I’d lost the gem or that someone stole it. I had to get it back. And Bernadine’s house was on the way home.

No way.

I pulled into Bernadine’s driveway and noticed Flora’s car and Ginger’s car were both park out front. Were they having Diva meeting without me?

Did they really take the Yellow Spinet as a group effort?

There was something going on and I was bound and determined to get to the bottom of it.

Bernadine met me at the door before I could even knock.

“I saw headlights. Come in, honey.” She wrapped her arms around my shoulders like a mother would do to her child.

“Flora and Ginger stopped by.”

They were all sitting around Bernadine’s massive granite top island that sits in the middle of her kitchen. Each of them had a tall glass of wine.

“Here. Have some wine.” Bernadine scooted a glass towards me. “Why don’t you get comfortable and take your coat off?”

I eyed them just as much as they were eyeing me.

We all picked up our wine and took a sip, each of us trying not to stare at the other.

“Okay, enough of this.” Ginger set her glass on the counter.

Sean appeared out of nowhere and stood beside my friends. “What is wrong with you, Holly?

“I lost a Yellow Spinet. A customer’s Yellow Spinet.” I muttered through broken English.

“A what?” Sean’s face curled.

“A spit who?” Flora’s eyes crossed.

“No!” Bernadine’s hand flew to her mouth as she gasped.

I nodded. Her reaction confirmed the severity of the situation.

“Who gave you a Spinet?” Bernadine’s eyes lit up like the shiniest stars in the sky.

“Marlene Dietrich.” I sobbed.

“That’s not her real name. I knew there was something funny going on with that women.”

Ginger spouted. “She’s evil and Willow knows it.”

Oh, God. Willow.

I looked at my watch. It read 8:00. Willow had been at the cabin, by herself for over two hours. I’ve never left her alone that long.

“I’ve got to go get Willow at home.” I started to get up and Flora stopped me.

“Wait. What’s this about a Spinet?” She asked.

I explained what had happened and how she, Sean, Cheri and Bernadine was the only ones in or near the office. I even told her how I checked their houses looking for the pouch.

In true Diva style they weren’t mad at me, but assured me they would help me find it or figure it out.

“Let’s all meet at the shop early in the morning before it opens. It has to be there somewhere.” Bernadine said, making me feel somewhat better.

“I never thought I’d see the day we have a Diva meeting in the Swanee jail.” I shook my head. “Marlene is going to kill me.”

“Let her try.” Ginger fussed. “I’d like to have a reason to rip those skin tight clothes off her.”

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“Can you do it when I’m around?” Sean laughed, but no one laughed with him. “Fine, I’m leaving. But can I have my eight dollars back?”

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“How fast can that car go?”

Marlene ran behind me.

“NO!” The Divas yelled in unison.

“Fast as we need it to.” She clicked her key fob, making the car doors unlock. “Plus the roads have been plowed, so we are good. Where we going?”

CHAPTER NINE

“Doc Johnson’s just down the road from Agnes’s house.” I kissed Willow’s nose. “And step on it.”

A little more calm than before, I pulled the Focus up the cabin driveway. If I’d only gone to the Divas with this information first, we probably would’ve been to the shop and found it by now.

It normally took me ten minutes to get to Agnes’s house but we made it in five.

I was startled by headlights coming up the drive behind me.

“What’s going on out here?” He was putting his glasses on. He was in his pajamas, and his hair was tussled. “Why, Holly Harper, what’s wrong with Willow?”

I thought it was Sean, but it wasn’t. It was Marlene.

Damn!

“Are you just getting home?” She was out of the car and up to my car door before I could get out. “It’s pretty late.”

“What are you doing here?” I asked, trying not to sound uncomfortable in front of her. But my nerves were on edge.

“Agnes needed some maple syrup for her pancakes in the morning and I ran into Jim at the store. He said something about the Divas getting together and told me where you lived. Plus, I wanted to discuss some design ideas for my Spinet.” Marlene continued to talk as we walked.

I didn’t even hear most of what she said, but I managed to get the gist of it.

“Willow?” I hollered inside the door. She always had to go pee when I came home from somewhere. And since she’d been there a few hours alone, I was sure she had to go now.

“Willow?”

I didn’t hear any little hooves.

Marlene laid on the horn. I jumped out with Willow, and Doc Johnson already had the door open.

I charged in the door. Doc Johnson ran his veterinary business out of his home. He was used to clients showing up at all hours of the night. No wonder he never married.

No woman would put up with a life with no sleep.

“I’m not sure. I ran a few errands and came home. She hasn’t eaten since this morning.” I conveniently left out the part where I had lost Marlene’s diamond that cost more than my life, and didn’t notice until now that Willow had been sick all day.

“Anything out of her norm today?” He took her from me and put her on the metal table that sat in his kitchen.

“She took a walk in the snow. And I opened my shop today.”

I racked my brain for anything different. I should’ve called Bernadine to see if she fed Willow anything.

Damn!

Another time a cell phone would’ve come in handy.

Doc Johnson listened to Willow’s heart not taking his eyes off Marlene.

I looked over at her. When did she put lipstick on?

I looked down at Marlene’s heels and wondered if Willow heard them.

She was looking at Doc just as intensely as he was looking at her.

“Stay right there. Willow hates you for some reason and I bet she’s hiding.” Thank God there were no unders where she could hide. If there were, she’d just have to stay under there until she came out.

“Do you mind? This is about Willow.” I whispered through my gritted teeth.

“Doc?” Marlene’s sexy accent came out like it always did around potential mates.

But she wasn’t. She was lying on the floor next to the bed, not moving.

“Call me Clint.” He winked.

“Willow?” I put my hand on her little body. Her stomach seemed to be hard.

I had read that pet potbellies can get distended bowls if they ate the wrong thing. And Bernadine doesn’t help matters. Whenever she’s around, she gives Willow any and everything.

That’s why Bernadine was Willow’s favorite Diva.

“Oh, no!” I grabbed Willow and took off toward the door.

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I rolled my eyes. There was no way this was happening. I was in the freaking twilight zone.

“Clint, can you tell what’s wrong?” Marlene might be hiding some things, but cleavage was definitely not one of them.

“There does seem to be some labored breathing.” He finally looked over at me. “Holly, I’m going to do a quick x-ray and see if anything shows up.”

I nodded and grabbed a tissue from the Kleenex box sitting on the counter. He took her out of the room.

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Marlene wrapped her arms around me.

“It’s going to be okay.” She hugged me tighter. “Think good thoughts, honey.”

I tried not to inhale too much of the Chanel Number Five that she must have poured on. I pulled away.

“I know. Good thoughts.” I said trying to smile through the tears.

Marlene was there for me and she barely knew me. She asked me to keep her precious jewel safe and I couldn’t even do that.

I sobbed some more. Some from worry about Willow, and the other from guilt. I should tell her.

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“Of course I do.” Doc Johnson winked again and disappeared into the other room, preparing to take out the expensive gem.

Marlene fanned herself.

“A man after my own heart.” She sat back in the chair.

“Did you know my precious gem was missing?”

I knew I was caught. Now that the mystery was solved, I knew I could tell her the truth.

“That’s why I called you.” I told her the entire story, including how the Divas thought I was crazy.

She laughed the entire time.

“Marlene.” I touched her arm.

“It’s funny now, but if you hadn’t found it, then we would’ve had a problem.” She said.

“Ladies.” Doc Johnson came back into the room. He put the x-rays up on the light box.

Marlene was right after all. She was growing on me, leopard print and all.

I wasn’t sure whether I should kiss him for interrupting me and stopping me from telling Marlene, or smack him from coming in and making me lose my courage to tell her.

“After all, we Divas take up for each other, right?” She questioned.

There was all of Willow’s insides were right there in black and white.

“That’s right.” I hugged my new friend. “How can I make it up to you?”

“This is Willow’s stomach.” He pointed to her cute little round image. “There seems to be something lodged in there.”

Marlene and I stepped closer to the light box. I squinted to see what it could be. But I couldn’t make it out.

“Holly, where is my Spinet?” Marlene asked while still looking at the image.

“At the shop?” It sounded more like a question than answer.

I smiled. Marlene was a Diva whether we wanted to accept her or not. She was going to fit in just fine.

“I wouldn’t mind having a part-time job.” She said. “Agnes just doesn’t have enough for me to do. And you need to get my Spinet wrapped and finished.”

“Fine.” I said, giving in.

I’m not sure what I’ll have her do, but I do owe her.

“Oh, and I wouldn’t mind a date with Doug Sloan.” Slowly a smile crept across her face.

“You’ll need to clear that with Ginger for me.”

“No, I think it’s in that swine of yours.” Her acrylic nails jabbed at the x-ray. “I’d know my Spinet anywhere.”

“Let’s do one thing at a time.” I patted her leg, and waited for my Willow to come out of surgery.

I squinted more. Surely Willow didn’t eat the jewel.

Yes, my relationship with Marlene Dietrich was going to be one thing at a time.

I smacked my head. She was the only person in the room other than Bernadine, Sean, Flora and Cheri.

But how? How did she get the Spinet? It was in the drawer.

The end.

Asshole!

I recalled walking in on Sean with Willow in his lap. He did say he had to shut the drawer, and she’s one quick swine.

I bet she’d snatched it up without Sean even seeing it.

“That little pig really does hate me doesn’t she?” Marlene eyes were ablaze.

“I will need to operate to get it out of there.” Doc Johnson looked over top his glasses. “Is that a real Spinet?”

He looked at Marlene with more interest.

“You know what a Spinet is?” Her eyes turned sweet and gentle along with the accent.

Divorce 411 December 2014 | 49 Divorce 411 February 2015 | 49

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