411 Marriage Proposals 20 Shattered Glass11 Buying your dream home after divorce 4
Getting REMarried?
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Message From the Editor In honor of Mother’s Day, let’s celebrate the special women in our lives: mother’s, aunt’s, grandmother’s, etc. The ladies who have helped us become who we are today. In this issue, we have included 2 books written by mother and daughter teams. Specifically, we spotlight a book written by Vanessa Williams and Helen Williams entitled You Have No Idea with a video interview by talk show host, Steve Harvey. Make your Mother’s Day bright by sending her your warmest and heartfelt messages. Come on...Don’t shy. Think of some beautiful words, for we all owe our Mothers a Big Thank You Message!! You may not write a book with your mother but send a message and tell her:
I love you, I appreciate you, I thank you HAPPY MOTHER’S DAY!
Cynthia Spirlin
Contents 4 Buying Your Dream Home After Divorce 7 Can You Really Do-It-Yourself 8 Mapping Out Pre-Nuptial Agreements 10 Shattered Glass 13 Do You Have A Mission Statement For Your Marriage 16 Getting Remarried? 20 Marriage Proposals 22 How Can I Be Feminine, Confident, & Vulnerable? 23 Beauty Talks 24 Recommended Readings 26 SHMS Celebrity Vanessa Williams & Helen Williams Interview
Special Recognition WRITERS Amelia R. Hyden Aaron Kaplan
STAFF Publisher, Cynthia Spirlin, J.D. Associate Publisher, Patty Gines Editor, Kiera Kennedy Graphic Designer, T. Javier Photographer, Zeny Hilton
Disclaimer: No part of this website or digital magazine may be reproduced in whole or in part without written permission of the publisher. The content in this magazine is for information purposes only. DIVORCE 411 Magazine, assumes no liability or responsibility for any inaccurate, delayed or incomplete information, nor for any actions taken in reliance thereon. The information contained about each individual, event or organization has been provided by such individual, event organizers or organization without verification by us. The opinion expressed in each article is the opinion of its author and does not necessarily reflect the opinion of DIVORCE 411 Magazine Inc. Therefore, DIVORCE 411 Magazine Inc. carries no responsibility for the opinion expressed thereon. Comments are welcome, but they should be on-topic and well-expressed. Abusive, antisocial or off-topic comments will be deleted by web administrators.
Copyright Š2015 DIVORCE 411 Magazine. All rights reserved.
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Buying Your Dream Home After Divorce By Amelia R. Hyden
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on’t let the fact that you have been through a divorce stop you from having everything that you have dreamed of. Buying your dream home after a divorce is possible. Many of us have watched television shows about luxury homes and wished we could live somewhere similar. You probably have imagined and fantasied the perfect home with little thought of actually obtaining it. Your dream home is more obtainable than you think. Here are 7 steps to buying your dream home as a single person.
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1. Develop your list of must “haves.” I know that you have thought about
what you would like in a property for a very long time. Now is the time to sit down and really make a list of items that are truly important to you in your dream home. It could be having an ocean view, a casita or guest house, multi-car garage, heated bathroom flooring, marble counter tops, his and hers custom closets, or an infinity pool. Think about how many rooms, bathrooms, and the amount of square footage you would like as well. Dream big!
2.Develop your list of “deal breakers.” More important than the things
you must have in your home are the things that you absolutely cannot have. This may sound like a negative list, but it’s important to know your absolute dislikes.
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Use websites such as Bankrate.com or Mortgagecalculator.org to help determine how much your estimated monthly mortgage payment would be. After you have determined the payment, there is a simple formula to calculate how much your annual household income needs to be in order to qualify for a loan. Your monthly mortgage payment typically cannot exceed more than 28% of your income. Take the amount of the estimated mortgage payment and divide it by .28 and it will equal the amount of monthly gross income required to quality for the loan. If your current income is less than the qualifying amount, begin to consider what you can do to increase your income. This could include applying for a promotion, changing companies, taking a higher paying job in another city, or even starting your own business.
3. Use the internet to research 5. Choose a location. You may have homes. Search real estate websites for homes an ideal location or a particular area of your city in your area that meet the majority of your must “haves” list. This will give you a general idea of the price point for a home that has your wish list items. Remember if the property doesn’t have everything on your list, a great contractor can help bring your dream to life.
4. Determine income needed.
Now that you know approximately how much your dream home will cost, you need to determine how much income your household has to earn in order to qualify for the home.
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that you would like your home. Also consider researching properties in other states. You may find that it is more financially feasible for you to buy your home elsewhere. What you get for a million dollar in New York City is much different than what you would get in South Carolina, Tennessee, and other states. Explore the idea of relocation. If could allow you to have all you have dreamed of.
6. Meet with an experienced mortgage lender. Wither your goal is to
purchase a home within the next 30 days or with the next 3 years, a mortgage loan officer will be able to help find a program that works best for you.
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In the instance that you are not able to purchase a home immediately, your loan officer will be able to create a step by step plan in order to get you on track to purchase your home in the future. It is better to start the work now, and put yourself that much closer to your dream property.
7. Contact an experienced realtor. They will be able to help you find
that dream piece of real estate. A great realtor is the key to finding your home and negotiating the best deal possible. Realtors have access to all the properties currently listed on the private multiple listing database. They can filter through all the best available properties. Additionally, paperwork and contracts can be a bit confusing. It is important that you have someone who is there to protect, inform, and keep your best interests in mind. If you have yet to buy your dream home, don’t let a divorce hinder you from pursuing one. It is going to some work on your part, time, and determination, but you can have it. Do your homework, know the task in front of you, and believe that you can have and do anything that you set your mind and efforts towards.
Author Amelia R. Hyden Realtor at America's Choice Realty, LLC Direct Phone (702) 824-1614 Fax (888) 867-9657 Email: amelia@opt2shortsale.com
Amelia Hyden has lived in Las Vegas, Nevada for over 20 years, and has worked in the Las Vegas real estate market for over 10 years. She has a strong background in listing, selling, distressed properties, short sales, and real estate investments. She also currently holds the SFR realtor designation. As a realtor, she strives to provide more than just a service to her clients. As a real estate professional, she aims to help individuals take their dream of homeownership and manifest it into the place they call “home�. Divorce 411 April 2015 | 7
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MAPPING OUT A PRE - NUPTIAL AGREEMENTS
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apping out a pre-nuptial agreement is never particularly romantic. But it can be especially tricky when children from previous relationships are involved.
Los Angeles-based IT DirectorRonHenry found this out the hard way. When Harris (not his real name) married his second wife 12 years ago, he wanted to guarantee that his sizable estate would be fairly divvied up among his new wife and his three children upon his death, so he drew up a pre-nup in which he distributed assets of comparable value among them. Easy enough. Except in the last 10 years since, Henry’s net worth has grown significantly, and some of his assets appreciated much faster than others. If he died today, his wife would inherit significantly more than his kids. Henry now finds himself in the unenviable position of having to revise the agreement.The dilemma of how to protect everyone in a blended family situation is an increasingly common one.
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Typically, unless special arrangements have been made, the assets accumulated during any marriage are divided equally in the event of a divorce. When one spouse dies, the general rule is that the entire estate rolls over to the surviving spouse. Problems tend to arise, however, when there is friction between the children of the deceased and the remaining step-parent. Experts say the key to avoiding future family brawls is clear premarital communication. Sit down with your partner and open the books. “It’s the step most people skip over,” says Steven Seid, a CFP with Delta Financial. “Find out where each other is at financially, and work toward a common understanding.”
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In most cases, that understanding should include two words: pre-nuptial agreement. Even if you’re not wealthy. Considering that 60% of second marriages end in divorce, a pre-nup is the best way to protect your kids’ inheritance. It should detail not only who gets which assets, and how family heirlooms will be distributed. If not done correctly, splitting up even simple assets can create major headaches. One good option is a testamentary trust. When a spouse dies, everything in the trust — real estate, bank accounts, portfolios — technically goes to the children, but they are prohibited from accessing it until the step-parent dies.
A prenuptial agreement is beneficial for a number of reasons, which heavily depend on financial status entering the marriage. Some of the major advantages include: •PROTECTION OF PROPERTY. For couples who enter marriage with their own property – personal or real – a prenuptial agreement is a responsible way to protect assets from future loss or division. •PROTECTION OF FINANCES. Financial assets like retirement plans, Social Security benefits, stocks, bonds, and other investments are vulnerable during a divorce settlement.
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So while the kids own the home, the surviving spouse can reside in it indefinitely and live off accrued interest from the investments. Another way to avoid common pitfalls is to ensure you and your spouse are clear about who owns what. Don’t jointly register assets. Make sure you know whose name is on the house and the RRSP, for example, and who has full control over the investment accounts. If you can’t answer these questions, you can bet a lot of your estate holdings will be eaten up in legal fees. Who knows what will happen in the future? Don’t leave it to chance. “I want my children to feel cheated,” Henry says. Sounds like it’s time to call the lawyer.
However, with a prenuptial agreement, each spouse can protect assets he or she already possesses when entering a new marriage. •LESS CONFLICT. For couples with a history of conflict, a prenuptial agreement can help settle arguments before they arise. Each individual is able to assert their preferences and doesn’t have to worry about recklessness from the other party. •SAVES MONEY. If a divorce occurs in the future, it can be expensive and financially draining. A prenuptial agreement reduces future expenses and saves time.
Discussing a Prenuptial Agreement Broaching the topic of prenuptial agreements can be intimidating and challenging prior to marriage, but is sometimes necessary. When bringing up the idea of signing a prenuptial agreement with your future spouse, do so with compassion and understanding. Present your significant other with clear reasoning and explain the mutual benefits of such a contract. When signing a prenuptial agreement, state law requires that each party use a separate attorney. This ensures that each individual’s best interests are looked after and increases the likelihood that the agreement will standup in the court of law in the event that a divorce does indeed occur.
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Shattered Glass
he beautiful glass vase toppled, CRASH, scattering across the floor. It couldn’t be happening to me? I fell to the floor looking frantically for fragments big enough to hold. Desperately, I grasping two pieces and wrapping them in a cloth for safe keeping. Then held it to my chest. It was a bad dream or rather a nightmare. Those two pieces was all I had left from my broken marriage, my two kids. It was the three of us that would have to survive and one day rebuild. But how?
How many of you have felt your life was like a shattered vase. Very few pieces of your old life remained intact or for that matter can be recovered. Divorce can crushes those once cherished loved ones, activities and goals that at one time dictated your life. Now they are razor sharp shrouds of glass. Several are your kids, others your family members, more are friends, don’t forget those cherished objects, your home and last but not least your finances. Suddenly nothing feels comfortable. Although I left an abusive relationship it wasn’t a walk in the park. Typical after a death of a child, no time to grieve for the child, I entered into a mental state of survival. Adjusting to the massive change wore me out emotionally and physically. The emotional pain accumulated in my chest. At
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first the sharp pains in my chest felt like a heart attack. Eventually I came to realize they were anxiety attacks. I knew then I needed to start making some changes in my life for me and my kids to survive. Exercise had always been intrigual in helping me keep emotional and physical balance in my life. So I joined a gym that had free childcare services. The anxiety attacks began to subside as I moved through stabilizing each area of my life. Within a couple of months making my decision I was able to rebuild financial stability by renewing my contract as a teacher. What a relief? They issued a bonus for signing on which helped me keep food on the table and gas in the car. Reduced my outgo temporarily by moving into my parent’s home with the two kids on toe.
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Although there were unsaid conditions. The lack of understanding and emotional support left me feeling alone even in a full house. The stand offness I experienced forced me to take full responsibility for my choices and decisions. Which I didn’t realize at the time was a blessing, it helped me developa deeper understanding of myself, what I really wanted in life and strength of character. During the rough times my need for adequate sleep and down time became noticeablyapparent.
Self-help articles often caught my eye with insightful insight on finding ways to get a break, down time or have fun. My life just wasn’t like those people writing in the magazine, it was idealistic. The extent of having fun those days was crawling around after the kids pretending I was a monster or having a picnic on the living room floor. A welcome distraction, although I would periodically schedule a holiday party of adults only. That was a tough one to pull off. Consistently, I would get a last minute call that they weren’t going to be home. At least the call was better than driving over there and finding no one home at all, which happened occasionally. Things began to shift one evening after a usual disappointment. This particular evening I and
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my best friend had planned to attend a Christmas party. On our way to drop off the kids I got the devastating fateful call. He had decided to go out and my plans were to be cancelled again. Tears streaming down my checks I recall driving back home. After putting the kids to sleep I sat solemnly on the couch asking why my life couldn’t be like this person or that person. “I give up God, show me what to do,” I said. When all of a sudden it hit, a spark of insight. I didn’t need my life to be different. I needed to learn how to live with
what I had. Learn to be happy with what I had, grateful for those little things I enjoyed so much. Playing monster with the kids and the picnics took on a different meaning. This revelation began to spread to other areas of my life. The loneliness and isolation I felt with distant family members and friends came a catalyst of further realization. The one friend that stuck with me became the cement that kept me together during that time. Sometimes it takes tragedy to see who is in your inner circle of people you can rely on. They say you will have only five over your entire life time. I was lucky to have her. It took me a long time to realize that the family Divorce 411 April 2015 | 11
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and friends that vanished into the walls were doing so because of their own fears. It had nothing to do with me. It was almost as if divorce was a virus that if they were to close they would catch it. I also realized that it wasn’t enough being around people I didn’t feel that close connection. Those people didn’t relate to my experiences. It was important that I develop a support network of people who had been through hardship and tragedy and had come out the other end stronger, vibrant and full of life. Met a dynamic woman who had experienced divorce and was a single parent like myself. Her passions for travel drew me in like a magnet. We began taking our families on cruises which gave the kids a fun experience even from a young age up through the teen years. The various adult activities help me regenerate myself as the stress 12 | Divorce 411 April 2015
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drained away. Suddenly those little fragments of glass began to piece together in a different way. Rather than focusing on the hard times, the emotional baggage. I began focusing and planning my trips. It initially began with cruises with the kids and I. Eventually additional trips here taken with my friends and I. The enjoyment and excitement for life expanded to the point that I could envision a joyful life for myself, after divorce. My broken vase had been transformed to a beautiful glass sculpture in the form of a cruise ship. What is your glass vase going to become? Let it be a piece that brings you great happiness and joy as your new life unfolds.
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Can You Really Do-It-Yourself?
By Divorce 411 Staff Writer
ivorcing is difficult emotionally and financially. The average divorce costs anywhere from $15,000 to $20,000.
Do you agree with arrangements made for minor children such as support, custody, and visitation? If you can easily agree on all of these issues perhaps marriage counseling and not divorce is not only the least expensive but the best alternative for your situation. If, however, you and your spouse decide permanent separation is the Besides legal fees, there are costs only solution, a do-it-yourself divorce associated with setting up a separate will preserve your marital assets. The household, utilities, insurances, etc. first step in your Pro Se divorce is to The economic hardships brought on by divorce causes many people to search for obtain and correctly fill out the proper documents for your state. These can be do-it-yourself options in order to save obtained online with little effort. To avoid money. If you and your spouse are in a common pit fall of the D-I-Y process, agreement, a do-it-yourself divorce may which is filing out the documents save time as well as money. incorrectly, have someone who knows Before beginning the paper work for a you well, perhaps even your soon to do-it-yourself divorce, make sure you and your spouse can communicate about be ex, review the documents for you prior to filing them. Many attorneys will the aspects of the divorce. It is not just the issue of wanting a divorce. Are you in review these documents for a small fee, giving you extra protection from future agreement on all other points? Are you completely satisfied that your spouse has problems with the court. been honest about all sources of income? Online resources for D-I-Y include: www.mydivorcepapers.com www.divorcewriter.com
www.womansdivorce.com www.divorcenet.com
www.legalzoom.com www.mydivorceusa.com
For those have completed the divorce process, please write to us at editor@divorce411magazine. com and share your story. Submissions (max 400 words) will be included in an upcoming issue.
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Do You Have A Mission Statement For Your Marriage? By Aaron Kaplan
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ouples engaged to be married, especially the 20 and 30-somethings who are getting married for the first time, can certainly epitomize all that is great about love and relationships. When I start working with a new couple, I always attempt to break the ice by asking a simple question; “how did you meet?” They tell me their story, which then segues into how the proposal happened etc., etc., By the end of the story, each partner has this radiant glow about them that brings new meaning to the line Billy Crystal uttered in one of my all-time favorite movies; “When Harry Met Sally,” when he said; “when you want to spend the rest of your life with someone, you want the rest of your life to begin as soon as possible.”
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It is certainly understandable that an engaged couple is in an overall emotional and mental place where to them everything in the world is absolutely wonderful, their chosen life partner is “perfect,” their relationship is absolutely “perfect,” they have everything under control, the wedding plans are evolving in such a way that will make their big day “perfect,” their relationship with their future in-laws are, you might have guessed it….. absolutely “perfect.”
They let them simmer and fester, until a rather large mountain of “stuff” appears from under the rug, and there is no more room left for anything else to be swept there. Then, what often ends up happening is that all sorts of small things that could have been either avoided or easily dealt with earlier on, morph into something significantly bigger, and becomes a crisis that can threaten the future of the relationship. Does this sound at all familiar?
As they gaze at the world around them through eyes that are swept up in the throws of love and passion, they have everything they need, and so they have every reason to believe that life is, well…..”perfect!”
Now please do not misunderstand me, I am not trying to stand up on a soapbox and preach a higher standard of virtues, or appear more enlightened. I certainly was one of those very people that built a very large mountain of “stuff” under the rug during both of my previous two marriages. I am writing this from the perspective of someone who has essentially been there, done that, learned some all-important and valuable life lessons that came with a very heavy and costly price, and got the complimentary t-shirt saying that I participated.
However, for those of us who have been married before, and who are taking the plunge, and choosing to get married again for a second, or perhaps third time, we know that there are absolutely no guarantees, and that in reality, no relationship is truly perfect. There are, and always will be areas for growth and strengthening. But instead of having the strength and courage to both acknowledge this reality head on, and commit towards improving those areas, many couples choose to stay locked in a comfort-zone of denial, and sweep the challenges and issues under the rug.
What I know now, after having learned the hard way, is that when we choose to get married, we are essentially choosing a path. One direction can be destructive and therefore weakening, while another can build strength, wisdom, and awareness. Divorce 411 April 2015 | 15
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Choosing a path with opportunities to build courage, compassion, and strength requires a fortitude that most people don’t really feel they can exemplify. At least not initially. When I begin working with a couple, I try to calm the fears of each partner by asking them to write down their worst fears of how they think these “skill-building” sessions will impact their relationship, what their goals are, and what they want their life as a married couple to look like. I then notice that the act of writing down, and openly sharing these fears and goals creates a major shift in their emotions and thinking. Each partner seems to move from an emotional to a problem-solving frame of mind. What I find most fulfilling about relationships of any sort, romantic or otherwise, is what the relationship is constantly teaching us. These lessons come from the choices that we make, and our choices create our character. Elevating your wisdom, applying it, and sharing it with your chosen partner adds valuable meaning to your existence. Creating a “Marriage Mission Statement” for your marriage, solidifies your intentions to be both the person and partner you want to be, as well as your intention to do your part to create the marriage that you ultimately want. A “Marriage Mission Statement,” can shed light on the path you’re
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traveling, and on the actions that have gotten your relationship to where it currently is. This mission statement can become the architectural design if you will, of the positive path ahead, and all the potential your marriage has for the future. This “mission statement” of sorts is an organizing principle you will use to develop new perceptions and actions. Your “Marriage Mission Statement” can become a sanctuary, a refuge, where you and your partner can protect yourselves on those days where you might be feeling disconnected from each other. This mission statement will be available to you during times of vulnerability and uncertainty. Often reading just one sentence could trigger a shift in your perspective and bring each of you back from the brink. Crafting a “Marriage Mission Statement” together with your partner, will not only help further develop each of you as people, and enhance your relationship, but it can also remind you of the positive emotions and qualities that the both of you love and admire about each other during times of challenge and conflict. I would encourage each of you to consider taking the time to collaborate with your partner in crafting your own mission statement for your marriage. If you do, I am confident that you will find that your “Marriage Mission Statement” will give you many moments of inspiration and transcendence.
Aaron Kaplan is a certified divorce coach based in Houston, TX. For more information please visit his website http://www.fulfillmentafterheartbreak.com Follow Me On Twitter Follow Aaron Kaplan on Facebook Follow The Kaplan Project, LLC On Facebook
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Getting remarried?
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f it wasn't quite right the first time, here are some helpful tips to ensure you do it right, the second time around. First, CONGRATULATIONS!! Now what? Here are a few etiquette tips for planning your second wedding.
What's the etiquette for announcing our engagement? Photo Credit: www.rosaclara.es/en
Tell your children first because your remarriage will affect their lives the most. Then tell your parents and immediate family. Ex-spouses should hear the news if you have children together. Then fill in your friends and other relatives. If you are recently widowed or divorced, you may not want to do a newspaper announcement right now -- instead, wait and announce the marriage yourself.
Are engagement parties appropriate? Absolutely, the bride and groom can host a casual cocktail party or dinner in their home or in a bar or restaurant. Divorce 411 April 2015 | 17
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Is it appropriate to register for gifts? You may already have all the home stuff you'll ever need between the two of you. Or, maybe you're looking to fill a few gaps. Either way, it's okay to register for gifts. Many remarrying couples skip the fine china/silver/crystal. If you feel that you don't need anything else to deck out your remarried home, consider alternative registries -wine, books, sporting equipment, a honeymoon or something else that you two love.
What about a shower? Absolutely! This is time to celebrate. You may not need all the home stuff that many first-time brides receive at their showers -- you've got it already, right? Times two! But that doesn't mean you can't have a get-together with your closest female friends and relatives. The hostess may decide to give the shower a special theme -- cooking (guests can give their favorite cookbooks, gourmet foods, etc.), literary (books to fill out the collection everyone knows you treasure), or travel (gifts that relate to your honeymoon destination). Or she may just let everyone know that no gift is required -- and to simply get ready for a good time party.
Can the bride wear white? This is, by far, the most-asked second-wedding question, and the answer is a resounding yes! True, white used to connote purity and virginity, but long before that it was simply the color of celebration. You may have heard that a remarrying bride can't wear pure white, only an off-shade like ivory, ecru, or cream, but that's a myth. 18 | Divorce 411 April 2015
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Choose the shade of white that looks best with your skin tone. If you want to wear a colored dress (maybe with a hint of pink, lavender, or gray) or a nice suit, by all means do so.
Can the bride wear a veil? Unlike the dress, the bridal veil still does symbolize purity and being "untouched" -- probably because brides used to wear veiling so that the groom would not see them at all before the wedding. Generally, it's still only appropriate for first-time brides to wear them. But if you really want to wear one -- perhaps you didn't have one the first time -- it won't be a travesty. Just stay away from blusher veils, the kind that cover your face.
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Can we have attendants? You definitely each need a witness to sign your marriage license -- generally that's the maid of honor and best man -- but any two adults can do that for you. Remarrying couples usually don't have as many attendants as some first-timers do (the line of 8 identical maids in a row may be out of place here), but that doesn't mean you can't have your closest friends, children, siblings, or even your parents at your side.
Who should escort the bride? If the bride's father escorted her in her first wedding, one or both of them may feel uncomfortable reprising it. But it's not inappropriate for Dad to walk her once again. Or, the bride may decide to walk alone down the aisle, symbolizing the fact that she's walking into this marriage as an independent woman. Another option for some remarrying couples is to walk down the aisle together.
If I had a big, formal first wedding, should this one be small and low-key? If your first wedding was a huge affair, doing it up all over again may remind you too much of that event (and the fact that the marriage didn't work out). Also, when a couple marries younger, their parents tend to invite many more of their friends to the wedding (not to mention that they often
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help pay for it) than when a couple is older and/ or marrying again, when they may be financing their own party and/or inviting more of their own friends. You may find that a more low-key, intimate affair better fits your personality these days. But if you didn't have a huge first wedding -- or you eloped or did the city-hall thing -- don't be afraid to have a huge bash now! If this is the first marriage for your spouse-to-be and you both want a big, formal wedding, go for it.
How are the invitations worded? Your parents may have paid for much of your first wedding, or even if they didn't, they may have served as the hosts of the party, and their names may have been listed on the invitations in the traditional way. Second-time invites can be worded traditionally as well, but this time, you and your spouse-to-be may want to host your own wedding, especially if you're paying for it. Certainly, you can include a line on your invites to honor your parents, such as: Asia Marks Freeman and Scott Fox together with their parents request the honor of your presence at their marriage etc. If the bride still goes by her first married name, it's appropriate to use that name on this invitation, especially because some (or many) guests may know her by that name. If she never changed her name or has changed it back, in the case above, Rebecca would simply be "Rebecca Baker" or "Rebecca Anne Baker." Divorce 411 April 2015 | 19
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How can we include our kids in the wedding? There are many ways your children can participate. A remarrying bride might have her son escort her down the aisle or ask her daughter to be her honor attendant; a second-time groom might choose his son as best man. Or consider having a special family moment right after you exchange your vows. Gather your children around you and have your officiant offer a blessing. Some couples even have family vows -- new stepparents promise to love and take care of their new stepchildren. You might choose to give your kids a special wedding gift, as well, during the ceremony or at some other time on wedding day. The idea is to make them feel a part of this important event. 20 | Divorce 411 April 2015
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That said, be sure that they are comfortable with the extent of their role. Some kids may not be totally happy or comfortable with the fact that you're remarrying, and they may not want to be a part of the wedding at all. Talk to your kids and try to gauge their feelings -- and respect exactly how much they want to be included.
Do we have to tell ex-spouses about the marriage? If you have children with your ex, then yes -because your new husband or wife is going to influence your kids' lives, it's important that their other parent be aware of the situation. Otherwise, you're not obligated to let the person know, but if you're still on good terms with your ex, it's courteous to fill him or her in.
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MARRIAGE PROPOSALS
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reams come true. Ask Cinderella. Of course she had a fairy godmother on her side. Now there is someone out there making memories that every single girl needs to know about. The Yes Girls are a team that works quietly behind the scene making pure magic.
Proposing marriage is a sacred moment in your relationship. Every girl wants their proposal to be personal. The Yes Girls specialize in PERSONALIZED marriage proposals. Secondly, they provide guys with a female’s perspective!
How do you customize my marriage proposal?
First, the client completes fill out our relationship questionnaire; the questionnaire gives us information on the couple’s personalities, special memories, favorite things, etc. From there, our clients always receive a step by step and VERY detailed marriage proposal idea and/or planning sheet. Each of our marriage proposal services can be customized to your satisfaction so we stay within your budget while handling any the necessary planning.
Do you help plan re-proposals? Absolutely. Whether you never got to give her a romantic marriage proposal or it’s your 15 year anniversary and you just want to surprise her with a re-proposal, The Yes Girls will help make it personalized and memorable for you both. You can get started by visiting our wedding anniversary package or if you prefer to focus solely on the proposal, then visit our marriage proposal packages.
Why is the marriage proposal that big of a deal?
Simply put, it’s in the top three most memorable moments in a one’s life (next to the wedding day and births).
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Can you share a few especially memorable proposals since you started in 2008?
DENVER PUZZLE PROPOSAL:
Video: http://theyesgirls.com/denver-marriage-proposal-we-fit-like-a-puzzle Photos: http://theyesgirls.com/puzzle-piece-marriage-proposal-in-denver
RANGERS STADIUM PROPOSAL:
Video and Photos: http://theyesgirls.com/rangers-stadium-marriage-proposal-by-the-yes-girls PHOTOS: SIL AZEVEDO PHOTOGRAPHY
SCOTTSDALE BOOK LOVER PROPOSAL:
Video: http://theyesgirls.com/scottsdale-marriage-proposal-video-by-the-yes-girls
LAGUNA BEACH PROPOSAL:
Photos: http://theyesgirls.com/teal-pink-laguna-beach-marriage-proposal PHOTOGRAPHY: CHARD PHOTO
Learn more about the founder, Heather Vaughn, the original proposal planner and her fresh and creative ideas for every proposal at www.theyesgirls.com 22 | Divorce 411 April 2015
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How can I be feminine, confident & vulnerable? By Allana Pratt, Intimacy Expert
Allana Pratt
CLICK HERE TO WATCH!
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Beauty talk By Z
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ay Day beauty alert !!!! If you want to find out what's hot and how to be stylish and hip attend the Nordstrom summer trend show May 8th & 9th , from 10-7 both days . Receive a beauty bag in hot pink from Nordstrom when you purchase $150 or more , the majority of beauty lines will have additional gifts!!! Professional skin care specialist, make up artist, and fragrance representatives will be available to you especially if you have an appointment. This summer: Bobbi Brown, Chanel, Smashbox, YSL, and Laura Mercier have gorgeous colors that will captivate your beauty and make heads turn! Great skin is always in season so take care of your skin with quality products. Now to complete your sun kissed glow --- Smile! Stay radiant and glow throughout this warm season!!!
Zorana Edun-Caldwell - beauty expert (702)784-1054
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RECOMMENDED READING The NEW “I DO” Reshaping Marriage for Skeptics, Realists and Rebels by Susan Pease Gadoua and Vicki Larson
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radition wedding vows men and women repeat “…till death do us part” Yet, each year,nearly half of all marriages end in divorce. But what if every single marriageisn’t meant to last until death? It is time for the conversation to change. Books like the 2 below can start the dialogue:
"Marriage as we know it is dying." So begins chapter one of therapist Susan Pease Gadoua and journalist Vicki Larson's new book The New I Do: Reshaping Marriage for Skeptics, Realists and Rebels, which challenges readers to consider alternate marital agreements in a world where lovers live together without tying the knot, more couples are having children out of wedlock and about half of all marriages end in divorce. "Rather than continue to encourage people to cram themselves into an old model that isn't working for many -- about one out of two marriages ends in divorce -- we want to acknowledge what's already happening and encourage you to think about new ways to marry," the authors write.
In The New I Do, therapist Susan Pease Gadoua and journalist Vicki Larson take a groundbreaking look at the modern shape of marriage to help readers open their minds to marrying more consciously and creatively. Offering actual models of less traditional marriages, including everything from a parenting marriage (intended for the sake of raising and nurturing children) to a comfort or safety marriage (where people marry for financial security or companionship), the book covers unique options for couples interested in forging their own paths. With advice and quizzes to help readers decide what works for them, The New I Do acts as a guide to thinking outside the marital box and the framework for a new debate on marriage in the 21st century.
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SHMS Celebrity Vanessa Williams & Helen Williams Interview By Steve Harvey
CLICK HERE TO WATCH!
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anessa Williams possesses amazing beauty and talent. I have enjoyed her music from Comfort Zone to Colors of the Wind. But this book shows that there is so much more. Vanessa and Helen demonstrate courage and love that can shine a light on what can be accomplished when we choose to push past our fears. Since she was a little girl, Vanessa Williams wanted to be on Broadway. As a musical theater major in college she was on her way, but life took a turn when she became the first black Miss America. Forced to resign due to a nude photo scandal, it looked like her dreams were over. But
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through determination, and with a mom who was always there for her, she went on to conquer the entertainment world. You Have No Idea is a celebration of the love between a mother and daughter as well as the lives thus far of two women who have consistently defied the odds to achieve success – no matter how uncertain their paths might have been. Get a copy of this book and let it inspire you with new dreams and courage for your daughter(s) and/ or son(s.)
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Helen Williams & Vanessa Williams Divorce 411 April 2015 | 27
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“Sex at Dawn challenges conventional wisdom about sex in a big way. By examining the prehistoric origins of human sexual behavior the authors are able to expose the fallacies and weaknesses of standard theories proposed by most experts. This is a provocative, entertaining, and pioneering book. I learned a lot from it and recommend it highly.” — Andrew Weil, M.D. “Sex at Dawn irrefutably shows that what is obvious—that human beings, both male and female, are lustful—is true, and has always been so…. The more dubious its evidentiary basis and lack of connection with current reality, the more ardently the scientific inevitability of monogamy is maintained—even as it falls away around us.” — Stanton Peele, Ph.D. A controversial, idea-driven book that challenges everything you (think you) know about sex, monogamy, marriage, and family. In the words of Steve Taylor (The Fall, Waking From Sleep), Sex at Dawn is “a wonderfully provocative and well-written book which completely re-evaluates human sexual behavior and gets to the root of many of our social and psychological ills.” Check out Christopher Ryan’s TED TALK
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n idea permeates our modern view of relationships: that men and women have always paired off in sexually exclusive relationships. But before the dawn of agriculture, humans may actually have been quite promiscuous. Author Christopher Ryan walks us through the controversial evidence that human beings are sexual omnivores by nature, in hopes that a more nuanced understanding may put an end to discrimination, shame and the kind of unrealistic expectations that kill relationships. TEDTalks is a daily video podcast of the best talks and performances from the TED Conference, where the world's leading thinkers and doers give the talk of their lives in 18 minutes (or less). Look for talks on Technology, Entertainment and Design -- plus science, business, global issues, the arts and much more.
BOTH BOOKS ARE AVAILABLE ON AMAZON.COM 28 | Divorce 411 April 2015
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DIVORCE 411 ORIENTATION T
his program was designed to be a resource to individuals who may be thinking about divorce.
These individuals are at the “crossroads of divorce,” facing a challenging decision that has consequences for the future of their own lives and the lives of family members. Each lesson contains research-based information about important questions that individuals at the crossroads of divorce often have. • Lesson 1. Why a divorce orientation education program? • Lesson 2. Can your marriage be repaired? • Lesson 3. How common is divorce? • Lesson 4. Does divorce help adults become happier? • Lesson 5. What are the consequences for children? • Lesson 6. What are the consequences for adults? • Lesson 7. What are the financial consequences? • Lesson 8. W hat are the legal options and what should you expect during the divorce process?
Call 888-670-4465
or email publisher@divorce411magazine.com FREE DIGITAL MAGAZINES available at www.divorce411magazine.com
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It is all about LOVE and YOU. It should be the most important purpose of our lives, and yet is one of the most difficult feelings to truly express. Giving the gift of jewelry to someone you love, or yourself, is one of the most favorable ways to show your love. But those pieces of jewelry just appear as heart shape by itself and don't reflect true appearance of Love. Love means many different things to different people and is a complicated emotion. It is not possible to define love by one particular standard, so rather than trying to redefine the emotion, Shadow Heart takes the approach of trying to understand it’s nature instead. Love is invisible, but felt even in the absence of another's embrace. It is an eternal link, binding two hearts. Unseen, but ever present. It can be felt, but cannot be touched. It is always present, but not always shown.
THE SHADOW HEART pendant does not outwardly appear as the shape of an actual heart, but casts the shadow of it. It authentically embodies this invisible but ever present feeling and draws a parallel to the nature of love: always there, but not always seen.
Inspired by this pure emotion, the Shadow Heart necklace reveals love in an extraordinary way for people to more uniquely express their feelings. It authentically embodies this invisible but ever present feeling and draws a parallel to the nature of love: always there, but not always seen. Divorce 411 April 2015 | 31
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Destination Wedding:
Las Vegas
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ith more than 120,000 weddings performed each year, Las Vegas is one of the top locations for a destination wedding, offering a full range of options (for all budgets) to entice couples, their families and friends with shows, dining, casinos, golf, spas, shopping and more. Whether you’re looking for an intimate garden ceremony, a romantic waterfront affair or the classic sin city elopement, finding your perfect wedding venue has never been easier with the range of option available in the desert city. Bellagio is one of the most recognized venues for hosting an elegant and contemporary wedding in Vegas. And they offer a variety of wedding chapel packages for couples to consider including hi-tech options such as Live Webcasting.
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For planners interested in holding a destination wedding at Bellagio, up to 14 distinctive packages are available. A standard package includes the ceremony, bouquet, boutonniere, bridal garter, photography, wedding certificate holder, bottle of champagne, etc.
Vegas Wedding Details Most weddings include anywhere from 30-60 guests, and couples frequently select a mid-range package. Also, Couples who marry in Vegas are required to obtain a marriage license in Vegas.
Variations of the standard packages will also include options for additional photos, wedding party photography, bride’s large bouquet, maid of honor’s bouquet, best man’s boutonniere, unity candle and service, hors d’oeuvres options, the honeymoon suite, breakfast in bed room service, champagne dinner for two, spa services, hotel champagne flutes, Live Webcasting, DVD recordings of the ceremony, tickets to shows, access to personal coordinators, and more.
Of course, many additional essentials go into planning a destination wedding, and basic elements in addition to the chapel ceremony include: Catering Room Design Entertainment Photography Accommodations Transportation Gifts Depending on the complexity of the wedding, you may choose to hire a wedding planner to coordinate the logistics of each of these elements. To be sure, there are numerous wedding chapel and venue options available in Las Vegas, I recommend reading A Fairy Tale Affair - How to Plan a Fabulous Destination Wedding on a Shoestring Budget written by the mother and daughter team, Deborah McKenzie and Danielle Wigfall who present original ideas for couples planning a destination wedding. You can find their book on Amazon.
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He Says It’s Not You...Are You Sure Abou That? How Our Energy Creates Our World By Liz Swearsky, OMC
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ou’ve recently gotten back into the dating scene after a rough divorce and now you’ve heard for the third time in as many months, from as many men,
“I don’t think we can see each other anymore. It’s not you...it’s me.” Initially you thought, well, maybe a past relationship has come back into his life or he’s focusing more on his children or work. But now you’re thinking, maybe it is you. An unsettled feeling sweeps through. You say, why does this keep happening to me? Paralyzed with fear, you’re thinking you’ll be alone for the rest of your life. See how changing your energy will transform your relationships. We are all energy. Our personal energy is influenced by our thoughts, either positively or negatively and that is what shows up in our world. Somewhere along the way...it could have been while growing up, a thoughtless comment from a co-worker, or a past boyfriend, but something negative has stuck in our mind that is now controlling our experience. It’s like a growth that has attached itself to us and won’t let go; a big ugly pimple in the middle of our forehead that repulses others, but we don’t see it because we never look in the mirror. (Please forgive the vulgarity, but I’m trying to emphasize a point!) Just as we must cleanse our face, we must cleanse our mind of negative thoughts.
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As I stated before, our thoughts create our world. This is actually a universal law, called the Law of Thinking. It says, when we think positive thoughts, we manifest positive results. And when we think negative thoughts, we manifest negative results. It seems easy enough, but many times, those negative thoughts are deeply hidden amongst the many thoughts that inhabit our minds from moment to moment. So, when he says he doesn’t want to date you...even if he says it’s him, it is actually you! He’s just reflecting back to you your negative beliefs. How do we change this? 1. We make the choice to change our minds. And it is a choice. You take responsibility for those negative thoughts. On some level you allowed them to enter your mind. If you blame others, you will only perpetuate the status quo. 2. We observe the thoughts that are running through our minds. Sitting quietly, going within, and becoming mindful is a wonderful way to start. You can do this by taking a few minutes to get comfortable and listening to your thoughts in a nonjudgmental way. You will be amazed at what is going on in there! Another way to uncover them is to observe your thoughts in situations that bring up these limiting beliefs, such as when you are out on a date. 3. We identify the old negative thoughts. We begin to identify these thoughts that no longer serve us. Take note of them. Begin a list. This is a joyful event, as we are getting closer to transforming them! 4. We forgive ourselves for thinking these thoughts and the people who may have hurt us.
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5. Forgiveness does not mean that we are condoning behavior; it simply means that we are choosing to not be ruled by them any longer. Make a forgiveness list and each morning for the next 30 days before getting out of bed, think of each person on the list(including yourself) and say “I forgive you for what you have done. I wish you happiness and peace.” If you need more help, consider enlisting a coach or therapist. 6. We create new and positive thoughts to replace them. The Universe (some people call it Higher Power, Source, Creator, God) is our co-creating partner. Either we create by default (unconsciously) or we create by design (consciously). It is just waiting for us to tell it what we want, as we are the director of our movie. Think about the perfect relationship that you would like to have. What does it look like? How does it make you feel? Create a powerful and impactful vision statement, using “I am” (ie. I am in a relationship with a wonderful man...) Unfortunately, may of us were never taught this. Let your relationships be transformed to one of joy, great fortune, fulfillment and delight, as you deserve to have the best! And know that the universe supports you in every way. Actually, the universe, in its continuous desire to expand for good (God), counts on you to manifest through. It has to have an outlet and if it’s not you, it will be someone else who matches the energy of expansion and positivity. Why not you? Believe that you can have true love. Do you think that you are too old or are damaged goods? Are you tired of the same old lackluster choices in men? All you have to do is apply the law. Liz Swearsky, OMC is a certified dating/relationship coach for spiritually minded women supporting them in person, by phone or Skype. www.TrueLoveInSixMonths.com Divorce 411 April 2015 | 35
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