January 2015

divorce: growing through it Cover Story: is there life after divorce / death?

Evolutionary Residual

Divorce & New Year’s Resolutions

Seven Siblings, Seven Divorces

Nautilus: Blueprint for Life

A symbol of life, internal harmony, and the perfection of nature, the nautilus shell evokes a sense of mystery and awe. The chambers of the nautilus shell are symbolic of growth, evolution, expansion and renewal - the stages each individual passes through life. The spiral itself is a symbol of creation, movement, fluidity and evolution.

It reveals the cyclical nature of life and the relationship between unity and multiplicity. With no beginning and no end, the spiral curls eternally inward towards the Source of creation, and eternally outward with Source's continual self-creation. As a path, the spiral is both the journey home to who we really are, and the journey to be one with Source, for they are one and the same.

Its spiral structure displays perfect mathematical proportion, sometimes called the Golden Mean or the Fibonacci Sequence. The golden mean number is also known as PHI - 1.6180339... PHI is a number without an arithmetic solution, the decimals just keep going into infinity without repeating themselves. The unique thing about the golden mean is that it can be found incorporated in all known organic structures. From the bone structure of human beings to the order of sunflowers seeds on a flower head to the spiral of a sea shell to the spiral galaxies in the universe to the cochlea of the human ear, the phi proportion is there, underlying all, seeming to be a blueprint for life. Plato called this value - "The key for the universe physics"

Viewing the proportions of the nautilus give us a serene sense of balance and well-being. The Golden Mean number is widely used in art, architecture and religious symbols. Artists like Da Vinci and Kandinsky have used the golden mean in their paintings. The Guggenheim museum, planned by Frank Lloyd Wright, is shaped like the shell.

Researchers found that humans will consider beautiful any art work, architecture and even a face that has the golden mean proportions. The spiral has long been a symbol for growth and change in an easy way. I use it here to remind us that subtle changes, one after the other bring big results.

As we start fresh, find a sea shell and place it on your desk or night stand as a subtle reminder of the transformation you are ready to embark upon in 2015.

HAPPPY NEW YEAR FROM THE DIVORCE 702 SUPPORT GROUP Join us every Second Sunday for our monthly west side luncheon. *January 11, 2015 * February 8, 2015 * March 8, 2015 Request a calendar or meeting location by emailing Xia at divorce411@yahoo.co

message from publisher Just as lilies spread fragrance and freshness around‌ May the New Year add a new beauty and freshness into your life.

Cheers to 2015 and another chance for us to get it right.

Happy New Year!!

This issue is about contemplation and reflection. Particularly, I invite you to take a look at the Divorce & Technology page which suggests a handy way to capture your thoughts. Keeping a journal for the last 3 years has really helped me stay on track. Every Sunday, I sit in a comfortable chair with a cup of coffee and review the week ahead and opportunities for growth from the past week. This process clarified my personal mission and professional purpose, which led to the creation of this magazine and DIVORCE 411 community support groups. The gift of journaling and contemplation gives back in subtle ways. Chirondala Maduka tells us in this issue how meditation led her to find a career in music after her divorce. Tonya Kappes became a bestselling author after her divorce and you will find an excerpt from her book, Bead of Doubt, within this issue. Divorce and Yoga is a beautiful story of recovery from contributor Elizabeth Rowan.

January is also a good time to make lists, write goals,and create vision boards. How can you get started?Check out the article by Susan Pease Gadoua on Contemplating Divorce or start witha simple divorce mission statement. Online resources can be found at www.penzu.com or http://www.makingdivorcework.com/divorcemission.html. This month I am grateful to those whocontributed inspiring stories of healing and fresh starts after divorce. I hope their wisdom and experiences can help you embrace the New Year and the changes it will surely bring.

Also, please visit our website where a community is growing to offer positive support for men and women going through divorce. The local-based virtual support groups are a great way to stay positive during the upheaval of divorce. Visit www.divorce411magazine.com, find your area code, and become a member.

Cynthia D. Spirlin, J.D.

Seven Siblings, Seven Divorces

6

How to Release the Past and Return to Love

8

Your Child’s Passport Following Divorce

12

Is there Life, after divorce / death?

14

Evolutionary Residue

16 20 22 26 32 40 44

The 4-Step Putting Routine Retreat Yourselves Divorce and Yoga New Year Resolution Spotlight: Chirondala Maduka Bead of Doubt (Chapter 5-6-7)

Contents

Seven Siblings, Seven Divorces By: Becky Giles

“I’m so afraid to love you, more afraid to lose clinging to a past that doesn’t let me choose. “ (Sarah McLachlan)

7 siblings that love each other… why can’t we love others?

Two parents that have been married for 55 years ask themselves what did we do wrong.They gave birth and raised 7 children, loved them, provided for them, taught them good morals, and then sent them on their way hoping that life would give them the same blessings of marriage and a family that they had. All 7 children married and all 7 children divorced. Four in the span of a little over a year. These adult children seemed to have it made, having marriages that lasted from 21 to 33 years,and their children are all nearly raised. Why does one divorce after so many years of marriage? Each walking away from their long term marriages without feeling any despair, only feeling relief.

These siblings are all outgoing, hard-working, family oriented, kind, physically fit people. We did not have infidelities, noaddictions such as drugs or alcohol, and we are not abusive.One would look at them as perhaps a good catch. What is it that has prevented all the members of one family to struggle with a loving relationship?

One day I was sharing our family’s recent divorces with a friend that had not met anyone in my family, and the friend made the comment, “Do you think that the problem could be your family?” I instantly said, “Of course” but in reality I did not want to think that we could possibly be responsible. I wanted to believe we had all picked jerks to marry. Underneath our confident exterior we are people who cannot allow our partners to penetrate our vulnerable emotional barriers.

We can give love out but cannot let love in.

As I have contemplated why we have all divorced I have not attained a definite answer. But I have learned that we cannot blame our past for our choices. Our environment certainly plays a part in the way we react to humanity. However, as adults we must own our choices and learn and grow from them.

As for me I have been married twice. The first marriage lasted for 5 years, and the second for 21. After the separation from my second marriage I went to a therapist. The therapist was asking me the reasons for my separation. I stated the reasons, then she asked why my first marriage failed, and I felt like I had a sword pierce through my heart, all I could say is“I guess I am just really bad at marriage.” It appears to me that I have never experienced true love, wholly the way I hear other people describe the way they feel about their spouses.

How I feel, I bury my feelings inside. And make it appear that everything is fine on the outside, when in reality I am simply putting up more “bricks” I have always felt that it was better not to cause any flak, people like you better that way, even if my emotional needs are not being met.Over time this behavior caused me to deny my needs and replace them with defenses,I was simply submissively going through life, until I broke...

After I had been separated for about a year and a half, I discovered mediation. I was participating in a guided mediation one night when the message hit me loud and clear, I had an amazing self-discovery… I have a “Fear of Rejection!”and my survival tool was to build a wall to protect myself from the pain, because I believed that eventually everyone would reject me. This meditation, wasteaching about the ego and how it can rule all the decisions we make in our lives. I had a visual come into my mind of a weed that had roots growing deep. Each time I was rejected it was like a root growing deeper and deeper into my soul, this is how I learned to protect my heart by putting up barriers (walls) that were so thick that I no longer felt. That nightI felt that I literally purged the weed out of my soul, and got every root of self-doubt out. The instant I had the realization of what I have done all of my life as a survival tool, the wall that I had built felt like it came tumbling down. I felt so much love and freedom it was indescribable.

Since that awakening I have endeavored to keep that wall down. I concede that I cannot control the way others treat me, only the way I react to it. I have learned to recognize that when I feel that twinge of rejection or what I think appears to be rejection I will identify it as, “Fear” and replace any negative self-doubt with positive affirmations .If we choose to be in the presence of love at all times, we will transform all our relationships including the one with ourselves.

Learning to love myself was a challenge. I have been given the advice by many that is the ultimate step in becoming “whole.” How feeling unconditional love is the key to having peace. I have found that peace! It is a wonderful thing to be able to place no judgment on others and to feel love for them with an understanding that I don’t know their story and why they make the decisions they do. It isn’t my job to know, it is my job to love. I can truly say that I love myself. Do I love everything thing in my life. No, but I try to live in the present and let my past go. I have a beautiful plaque sitting on my counter as a reminder each day… Learn from the Past, Live in the Present, Prepare for the Future.One of the steps to learning to love myself is to imply the words “I am.” There are times when I feel that I need validation from others, and each time I begin to feel these emotions I remind myself that “I am enough.”

Through my journey I have found that I have the power to conquer obstacles that do and will continue to come in my life. I know that the mind is the most powerful tool in the Universe and as adults we alone control every action and reaction in our lives.

“A woman who does not require validation from anyone is the most feared individual on the planet”

How to Release the Past and Return to Love By: Deepak Chopra, M.D.

We have all experienced loss, heartache, and sorrow. Nobody wants to go through emotional pain, but it is an inevitable human experience. As the Buddha taught, we are each given ten thousand joys and ten thousand sorrows. The challenge lies in not getting mired in either the joy or the pain, keeping our hearts open and soft instead of closed and constricted. If we hold on to the hurts and wounds of the past, we start to accumulate emotional baggage—the dead weight of old experiences.

Freeing yourself from this emotional baggage is crucial because dwelling on the past prevents you from participating in the present, which is the only place in which you can experience love, happiness, fulfillment, and miracles.

Many people are hesitant to approach their inner pain and afraid to open old wounds. Yet it isn’t necessary to charge into a minefield, and you don’t have to brace yourself for a second round of hurt. By following the seven steps to emotional freedom, the healing process can unfold naturally, and when it does, you will experience relief and a surge of wellbeing.

Take your time with each step, and don’t move on until you feel satisfied that the current step is working for you. For most people, it helps to have someone else join you in the exercise. Their presence provides reassurance that you aren’t alone or unsupported. If you have a therapist, you may want to ask him or her to support you in the process.

Step 1: Recall an Emotion

With your eyes closed, recall an emotional experience that is causing discomfort. See the circumstances clearly and vividly in your mind. It could be an embarrassing experience or a personal rejection; the feeling could revolve around loss or failure. Don’t generalize; be specific. You are recalling an emotional trigger. If your recollection is too uncomfortable, open your eyes and take a few deep breaths. When you feel less overwhelmed, close your eyes again and proceed.

Step 2: Feel Your Body

Notice where in your body this emotional memory has lodged. For most people, when they bring up a disturbing emotion, a physical sensation of tightness, stiffness, discomfort, or even pain will be felt in the stomach or around the heart. For a smaller number of people, the sensation will be felt in the throat or head. Locate where your sensation is occurring.

If at first you don’t feel anything, relax, take a breath, and easily tune into your body. On rare occasions someone may feel numb, which is the sign of a deep emotion that has been tied to fear. But everyone eventually feels something in the body doing this exercise. Remember that an emotion is a thought connected to a sensation.

Step 3: Label Your Emotion

Now give your emotion a name. Is it fear or anger, sadness or resentment? Most people are surprised to find that they haven’t really labeled their emotions in the past. “I feel bad” or “I’m not having a good day” is as far as they get. Being more specific allows you to focus on the emotional baggage you want to release, so take the time to tell yourself exactly what you’re feeling.

Step 4: Express the Experience

denly can call upon other voices in their head, a new Take some paper and a pen and write down what hap- set of eyes, a greater sense of detachment. It’s all very pened during your painful emotional experience. Put freeing. down in detail how you felt, what other people did, and how you reacted afterward.

Step 5: Share Your Experience Now share your experience by reading your three acWhen you feel satisfied that you’ve expressed what the counts to someone else. In a group setting, which is whole thing was about, take a second sheet of paper how I normally lead the exercise, people are very eager and retell the same incident from the other person’s to share and the whole tone of the room is lifted, filled point of view. Pretend that you are that person. Write with excitement and laughter. The prospect of gaining down what they were feeling, why they acted as they emotional freedom from their past is exhilarating. So if did, and how they responded afterward. This part is you are doing the exercise at home, having a partner or harder than writing down the incident from our point a small group really enhances this step. of view, but stick with it – you will be taking a big step in freeing yourself from the pain of the past.

It works well on your own, however, if you have a good When you are satisfied with what you’ve written, take friend or family member you can telephone. Read a third sheet of paper and relate the same incident as them your three versions, making sure that they una newspaper reporter would, in the third person. How derstand why you’re doing this process. It’s important would an objective observer describe the incident in not to share your experience with those whose actions question? Give the details as objectively and even- provoked the emotional hurt you’re recounting. They handedly as you can. won’t understand and usually won’t cooperate. Ninety percent of the time they won’t agree with your version This step takes more time than the previous ones, but of the event in question; in fact, they might deny it even people enjoy it immensely. They discover that they are occurred. So stick with someone who is sympathetic no longer trapped in their own point of view. They sud- and has your best interests at heart.

To help you, here are the most common painful emotions that people carry around: • Anger, hostility, rage • Sadness, grief, sorrow • Envy, jealousy • Anxiety, fear, worry, apprehension • Resentment • Humiliation • Rejection • Shame

Step 6: Ritual of Release

Now it’s time to formally let go of your painful experience.

Take your written stories and literally let them go. This is done through a ritual where you consign your past to the universe, God, or whatever higher power you recognize.

You should feel free to devise your own ritual. Set your paper on fire and throw the ashes to the wind or the sea. Some people burn them on an altar and others flush them down the toilet. You can also tear the paper to pieces and bury them in the back yard.

The ritual is important because it draws a line between your past and who you are right now. If you have fully expressed your old emotion, letting go feels very satisfying. But don’t try to force the release and be gentle with yourself. Release what you can today. It’s normal and natural if you find yourself doing later releases around the same hurt.

Step 7: Celebrate Your Release

Once you have released your old story to the universe, celebrate your moment of liberation. You can do this alone or with others, just so long as you appreciate the step you’ve taken. I find that people often skip this step unless reminded. They don’t want to make their emotions a big deal, but in reality, they are a big deal. Emotions can trap and bind you − and they can also set you free and change your future.

If you use this process consistently, you will eventually be able to release all of your old emotional pain, freeing yourself to return to your innate state of love, joy, and wholeness.

Beauty

Marsala Madness "It's a new day, it's a new dawn for me and I'm feeling good!"

Let's start the year off right!!!!

Straight out of New York fashion week, Pantone picks Marsala as 2015 color of the year. You can build a highly-pigmented finish with lipsticks, blushes and eyeshadows that fall in the burgundy/bordeaux spectrum to complement lighter and darker skin tones. Red lips are here to stay, whether it's a brown-based red ,orange red, or pink red. My favorites are in Smashbox, Nars, Bobbi Brown, Stila, and YSL. Trendsetters can experiment with rich nail polish shades by Deborah Lippmann or Lakur.

If you’re still unsure, I can help you reinvent your look for 2015!!

Book your beauty appointment with me today at Nordstrom Fashion Mall (702)784-1083 Zorana Edun-Caldwell

Divorce: G ro w i n g Through It ..I can go through it or grow through it..

Pain. None of us like it. In fact, we try to avoid it at all cost. However, the pain of divorce is unavoidable. Even if you wanted the divorce there maybe a small part of you that wishes it could have workedout. If you are recently divorced or in the process, here are a few simple steps to help you grow through it.

Steps to growing through a divorce:

1. Watch the self- talk

. Examine your views of yourself. Are you labeling yourself in a negative manner?

Do you consider yourself a victim of divorce or a divorcee? Be careful of how you think about “self” because it can become the foundation of your identity. It is better to think of it as a learning experience and move forward with what you have learned. See yourself as a survivor of divorce or moving into a new chapter of your life.

2. Identify the positive.

Acknowledge the positive ways that you have grown through this difficult process. Perhaps, you have become more self-reliant and independent. You have begun to accomplish tasks that you previously thought were out of your capabilities such as balancing finances, living alone, or even changing a tire. Maybe you have begun making your needs a priority.You are taking more time to take care of yourself, how you look, and feel.

3. Analyze you.

Examine your own behaviors and identify areas where you would like to see development. No one is perfect and we can all improve ourselves. What behaviors do you recognize in yourself that contributed to the breakdown of the relationship(nagging, lying, disrespect, or lack of communication)? It’s important to work on yourself and your negative behaviors in order to develop into the healthy, whole person you desire to be. This will be beneficial in both your current and future relationships. Focus on shedding your previous negative behaviors and old baggage. There will be no room for baggage in your new healthier relationships.

4. Stop assuming.

Do not make overgeneralizations about others based on your experiences. Often after we have been hurt, we are left with scars and fears. We create a belief in our minds that we are destined to be hurt again. The reality is that getting hurt in a relationship is always a possibility, but it is important not to assume this outcome. There are good people, bad people, and good people that make bad decisions. Define what traits, behaviors, and qualities that you are looking for in your relationships. Identify if the person meets the majority of your values, standards, that their words and actions are consistent, and that they are genuine.

Don’t forget, to take it slow.

Remember you are constantly growing and evolving as a person. This is another event in your life that you can choose to simply get through or grow through. Choose to grow.

Leticia Murphy

Licensed Marriage and Family Therapist - Licensed Alcohol & Drug Counselor (702)275-0473 www.Leticiamurphytherapy.com

Legal

Your Child's Passport Following Divorce

In today’s society, it is becoming more and more common for children to have passports. Some families routinely travel overseas on vacation, others have family abroad, and many apply for passports to comply with border crossing rules into Canada and Mexico. When you're divorced or separated, the issue of a passport for your child can become a delicate one, particularly if you are concerned about parental kidnapping.

Obtaining a Passport After Divorce

Signatures of both parents are required to obtain a passport for your child. An exception to this rule is if you have sole custody, then only your signature is required. It's also possible to get a passport for your child without your ex's signature in a case where it is determined that the passport is needed for your child's health or welfare or when there are special family circumstances.

These situations would require a court order. In general though, you do need two signatures to apply.

If you wish to take your child on a trip outside the country and your ex won't sign the application, what do you do? You should talk to your attorney, but you’re most likely course of action will be to petition the court to order your ex to sign the application. Your ex could state that they’re concerned you will abduct the child, and if they substantiate the concern, you could be asked to post a bond to ensure that you will come back.

If You Oppose Travel with Your Ex

If your ex wants to take your child out of the country and you disagree, you can refuse to sign the passport application. If your child already has a passport and you have the actual issued passport after divorce, you could refuse to let your ex have it. It's likely you'll end up back in court, but if you have real fears about abduction, you should share them with the court and ask for protective orders preventing international travel.

Passport Alerts

If you're in a situation where your child does not have a passport and you are concerned your ex is going to attempt to get one and take your child out of the country, you should register with the Children’s Passport Issuance Alert System. Once you register your child with this program, a passport cannot be issued without contacting you first. An important fact is that you can enter your child's name in the program even if you do not have legal custody of your child. If your ex has sole custody, it is likely the passport will be issued, however you will have some notice.

If your child already has a passport, you can still enter him into the system so you will be notified if a new passport is applied for, or if the old one is going to be renewed. If your child has dual citizenship with another country, you can send a letter to that country's embassy in the U.S. asking them not to issue a passport. They are not required to do as you ask, but some countries will do so.

Other Tips to Prevent Parental Kidnapping

If you have serious concerns about international parental kidnapping, you can request that the court or an attorney hold your child's passport after divorce and that all requests to travel must meet with court approval. Make sure that your custody decree specifically prohibits international travel without permission of the court. You should also ask your attorney to be certain that your decree includes the terms of the Hague Abduction Convention which apply should an abduction happen.

If you have real concerns about international parental abduction, share them with your attorney and with the court. If your ex has family or important contacts outside the U.S. and has made threats, you may have a real basis for concern. Prevention is key.

In her words

Is there

Life

after

divorce / death ?

My marriage vows ended with the words “til death do us part�. I believed in that commitment. I was sure that physical death would occur before the death of our marriage ten years later. We were childhood sweethearts since high school.

He was so in love with me, more than I ever knew or had felt before. Later I loved him deeply in return. We were so young and innocent. Back then, I didn't know of unconditional love.

My experience of love was from religious dogma; conditional love begotten by good behavior which rewarded love.

We experienced puberty, adolescence, adulthood and even parenthood together. By the time we became grownups, we had built successful careers, achieved some material dreams, but all the while, the marriage was dying.

This phase of life was confusing, complicated, dramatic, and dysfunctional. The relationship was off and on. The love was going away and the hateful, hurtful, negative habits were increasing. We realized something had to change but financially, it was cheaper to remain together.

Then I learned he had a drug addiction and now he chose the drug as his love. My response?

Yours truly, Ms. Self-Righteousness, Ms. Holy Roller, was rebelling and retaliating by dating while married. However, I was still desperate to fix him or the problem. Of course we blamed each other, but I saw it as more of his problem that needed fixing. We tried everything but nothing worked; the marriage was over, DOA. He left, disappeared and I didn't hear from him for three months.

I was left with bills, fears and the sole support of our son. Just like physical death, I felt all the stages of grief; shock, denial/disbelief, anger, and finally acceptance.

Photo Credit: Zeny Hilton

"There is divine life after the death of a marriage.

Although we both contributed to the dissolution of our marriage, once I took time to stop focusing on his negatives...I became a better person."

There is divine life after the death of a marriage. Although we both contributed to the dissolution of our marriage, once I took time to stop focusing on his negatives and what he had done to me/us, my life and personal/spiritual growth lit up. I became a better person. I began to focus on my short comings and character defects. Therapy, prayer, support groups allowed me the knowledge that I had choices and I became accountable for my actions and attitude.

I was on a positive path of healing when we began to communicate again. Freely, I was able to forgive and ask for forgiveness. We both cried and shared a special bond together, full of tenderness and humility.

We did divorce, moved to different states, and thirteen years later, we reconnected as platonic friends. This educated, brilliant man, once listed in “Who’s Who in America” was homeless. My thoughts and memories kept reminding me of the way we were and the good guy he was when he was the man. Although he was broken, he still was valuable. He moved in until he could get on his feet. He cleaned up nicely: physically, financially and spiritually. Nine months later, I found him dead on the sofa from a fatal heart attack. Ironically, we were together until death do us apart.

What I know for sure is that it is never one partner’s fault. There are two sides to every story, sometimes three: yours, theirs, and the truth. Americans are taught to acquire, not to let go. Forgiveness and love are powerful medicine for healing. It allows us a passport to peace and freedom; without it we are in bondage with heavy baggage. We must forgive if we want to be forgiven.

I would not be the person I am today without the marriage/divorce experience. I am thankful for my journey and transformation to process my personal and spiritual growth through love, pain, joy, hurt, hope and healing. I believe that there is divine life after divorce/death.

Male Pov

Evolutionary ByRG.esidue Eric Miles

A few days ago, I was talking with a fellow divorcee about our experience of dismantling a marriage. At some point during the conversation, I realized it was difficult to find any positive aspects of divorce. When the most productive thing you can think of is “at least there were no children involved,” that still sounds negative. I thought there must be some positive residual effects from that event beyond two people being free to find their true soul mate. So, I decided to sit and objectively consider what I learned from my divorce.

The great thing about the past is that at any time I can change the way I look at it.

Time ultimately changes perspective and the lesson in every experience eventually reveals itself. So what did I really learn from my divorce? Beyond the lesson of learning to never say never, I experienced a profound realization about my decision-making process.

The experience revealed the belief systems I accepted then as my own and the patterns of behavior that followed. I saw how my sense of obligation overruled my own judgment and my ability to experience happiness. In the long view what I once viewed as a stigma may well have been the best thing, given the circumstances.

To fully understand the nature of the transformation from wretched event to life lesson, I had to operate from two basic principles. First, it was imperative that I be brutally honest with my role and myself in the whole process. Secondly, I must leave the emotionality that accompanies judgment out of the equation. Fortunately, the objectivity that time provides mitigates the emotional effects of the moment and allows a more balanced view. It is this balanced vision that suggests the proper question is not “why the divorce?” but rather “why was I married in the first place?”

My divorce was more than two decades ago so I have had time to think, grow and evolve beyond the person and belief system I operated against in those days. Objectively, the decisions I made in those days were not my own. Being the youngest of six children in a middle class, heavily Catholic household, I was still operating from a position of pleasing others.

Whether it was my family or societal expectations or the dogma of a theology I then questioned; my own desires were at least fourth or fifth deep on my depth chart. In my mind, I was the dutiful son. In reality, I wasn't being honest with myself.

There is an adage in acting that the audience will believe your performance when you do. And so it is in life! My inability to be completely honest about my feelings and desires (to the point of ignoring a huge fight with my then-fiancĂŠ the night before the wedding) put the marriage in jeopardy from the words “I doâ€?. I can't tell you how many times I've beat myself up over it in the past, but not anymore. I am happy to say one of the other things I learned is how to forgive myself, and those I blamed in the past. It turns out honesty is it's own reward, another valuable lesson. It seems the stigma in my past was not without it's own evolutionary residue.

Now as I sit in remembrance of my experience with divorce I realize it is like all other experiences, just an event. Not right or wrong but behavior born and bred. Behavior designed for blind faith to follow a belief system I didn't believe. Yes, people were hurt and lives were altered, but lessons were learned and patterns were discovered. I learned that life goes on and there's always hope. I truly learned to never say never, because now I have found my true life partner. I especially learned that what you believe to be true is, and those beliefs will drive your choices and actions. So always decide from within. I learned that happiness really is a choice. I suppose I'll have to find something else to put in my guilt locker... or not.

Hair Care

Shampoo Talk

by Kee Whigham

The reason why hair extensions have become so popular is many of us realize that our inner hottie has longer thicker hair than we were naturally blessed with. Fortunately for us, the magic of longer, thicker hair can be achieved instantly with the help of hair extensions and a talented stylist.

Facts about hair extensions:

• Extensions can add volume, length or both depending on your needs • If your existing hair is as little as 3 inches long you can get extensions • Extensions can be installed by braide, glue, woven in, beaded or clipped in.

• Extensions can add highlights or color to your hair - to effectively try before you buy that color you've always seen but were unsure how it would look and feel.

• The process of installing extensions is not painful.

Things to consider when choosing an extensionist:

Type of hair

Human or synthetic - human hair is more expensive but will give you the natural looking mane you desire more easily than synthetic, Application and removal method allow 4-5 hours for most installations, discuss any possible damage to your own hair with your stylist before choosing a method then make sure he or she is experienced in the method you choose (pictures of previous work and/or certifications)

After care

you will need to invest in the proper products to maintain your new look and return to your stylist for professional maintenance every 4-8 weeks.

Getting that new look you've always wanted is just one visit to a great stylist away. So let the long, thick mane of your inner vixen flow.

Kee designs the latest styles at Canyon Falls Salon & Spa 9310 South Eastern Avenue #120, Las Vegas, NV 89123

Sports / golf

The 4-Step Putting Routine

By Tom Leese, PGA Professional Photos by Ryan Noll

If you don’t prepare correctly, odds are, no matter how good you read the greens or how fluid your stroke may be, you may still find yourself missing putts. The secret to becoming a better putter is sequencing your pre-shot putting routine correctly.

Step 1:

First, and quite obviously, you need to survey the line of your putt. This means evaluating things like grain, slope, and aelevation changes. Once you survey your path, the second thing you need to do is take advantage of one of the best “cheats” in golf (it’s not a real cheat, but it feels like one).

Step 2:

With the golf ball either marked with a line or using the line made up by the writing on the side, use that to identify exactly where you want to aim your putt. This is such a handy way to make putting easier, and not enough of my students do it! Get in the habit of marking your ball and lining up that mark to direct your aim. It frees you up for Step 3.

Step 3:

Once you have your ball marked and lined up, forget the line! Now’s the time to hone in on your feel and distance control. Stand beside the ball and make a few practice strokes while looking at the hole and develop a stroke speed and length that you feel will nestle the ball at the bottom of the cup. Trust the line on your ball, and think, “Feel, feel, feel.”

Step 4:

Now it’s time to putt! You know the line, you have the feel, now it’s time to bring those two elements together over the ball and make a confident stroke. If you stick with this four-step putting routine (survey, line, feel, putt), I bet you’ll not only start making more putts, but also develop a newfound confidence you never knew you had. Good luck!

1.Line From Behind

2.Line on the Ball

To fully gauge the slope of a putt, make sure you see the The marking on a golf ball, whether using the ball’s graphslope from all sides. This means: take a walk around the ics or a line with a pen, is a gift from the golfing gods. Use it putt. Then, settle in behind the ball and pick your aiming as often as you can to line up your putts. spot along the line of the putt.

3.Forget Line, Focus on Speed

Now that you have the ball aimed with the line on the ball, you can think solely about speed and distance. Rehearse a couple strokes while looking at the target, since this will help you get a better feel for the proper stroke length.

4.Stroke it with Confidence

You have the direction figured out, and you know the right stroke length. Now’s the time to be confident in your pre-putt routine! Often golfers miss putts because they aren’t confident, which then leads to shaky strokes.

Always trust your stroke and your routine!

Tom Leese, PGA Professional, is the Director of Instruction at Red Rock Country Club.

(702) 585-2498 – Email: tlpga43@gmail.com

Travel

REtreat Yourselves!

Marriage retreats can be useful for couples in all stages of marriage. They give couples the opportunity to take a break from the hustle and bustle of everyday life to work on their relationship. Removing themselves from the stresses of children, careers, and housework, can often assist couples to reconnect.

Some couples wait until they are on the brink of divorce to attend a retreat, others sign up for a retreat to prepare for marriage. Still, others start to look for retreats when they first feel that their relationships are getting a little rocky.

Though some marriage counseling retreats encourage couples to spend time in individualized couples therapy and group therapy, others may not utilize therapy as a prominent part of the program. Instead, couples engage in exercises and activities that help them strengthen their marital bonds.

The following marriage retreats are among the most successful in assisting couples to renew their relationships in a tranquil environment:

1. Sedona Soul Adventures

2 Marriage Quest

One of the top marriage retreats in the US, Sedona Soul Adventuresoffers incredible scenery and personalized therapy with a focus on spirituality. This is one of the few marriage retreats that do not focus on group counseling. At Sedona Soul Adventures marriage retreats, you focus exclusively on your partner.

You enjoy a romantic retreat while also working with the leaders and guides who work at this facility. Sedona is located in Arizona, and the people who run this marriage retreat claim that special energy is found in the vortexes of this area. These vortexes are so strong that they promise to bring your mind and body in line with the pulse of the Earth. This can create changes in your chakras and/or endocrine system, which can ultimately help you to release emotionally, and unfold spiritually. Couples who want to venture abroad can book marriage retreats in Egypt, Peru, or Bali.

Marriage Quest has been offering marriage retreats in Vermont for over twenty years. Marriage Quest is run by Dr. Israel Helfand and his wife Cathie. Before offering marriage retreats, this couple ran a family therapy practice for many years.

Their marriage retreats are located on their picturesque Vermont farmstead, and they address all sorts of issues with their clients, including dealing with affairs, empty-nest syndrome, intimacy issues, and more. Even couples that have not yet tied the knot can turn to the Helfands for premarital counseling. Couples who want more personalized assistance can contact Marriage Quest about private intensive retreats.

3. Marriage Retreats with John Grey John Grey’s marriage retreats focus on more than just talking. They focus on giving couples the tools they need to succeed and prosper. Dr. John Grey’s, marriage retreats (not to be confused with Dr. John Gray, author of “Men Are from Mars, Women Are from Venus.”)are offered in Sonoma County, California. Each couple that attends one of these marriage retreats will learn coping techniques that have been customized for their particular needs and personalities. These marriage retreats are spiritual rather than religious in nature, according to some participants.

4.Marriage Boot Camp Marriage Boot Camp is one of the most intensive four-day marriage retreats in the US, and it allows couples to gain the tools that they need to survive. Rather than focusing on counseling, couples play mental games, complete drills, and engage in experimental competitions that have been designed to bring them closer together. Typically, these activities run from ten in the morning until eleven at night during the first three days of the boot camp and from ten in the morning to nine at night during the last day of the camp.

The guide-to-attendee ratio is very low at these camps, and usually, at least one facilitator is available for every four participants. Located in Plano, Texas, Marriage Boot Camp costs about $1,200 per couple. It is important to note that prices are subject to change, and the camp does offer scholarships to couples that need financial assistance.

Travel

5.The Gottman Institute: Marriage Counseling Retreats Sadly, many vacations are ruined by tension or squabbling. The Gottmans understand why this occurs, and they have built a set of marriage retreats that are designed to combat this problem. Couples who attend marriage retreats at the Gottman Institute enjoy a relaxing vacation in the stunning Orcas Island, Washington.

There, they can participate in activities ranging from golf to hiking to fine dining, but this relaxing vacation also offers therapy. Working with Dr. John Gottman and his wife Julie Schwartz Gottman, couples will learn to be more intimate, find their true goals, and strengthen their bonds of friendship.

6.Life Marriage Retreats When couples sign up for one of the four-day marriage counseling retreats at Life Marriage Retreats, they are able to focus on their specific marital goals and explore long-term solutions rather than focusing on short-term solutions that often quickly disintegrate. Working with the counselors at this facility, couples learn about how to increase physical intimacy, how their marriage affects their own self-esteem, and how to deal with other family members. If you are interested in improving your communication skills, learning why blame and justification are not positive things to include in a relationship, and how to be more forgiving, this may be the retreat for you.

7.Retrouvaille Marriage Retreats Retrouvaille means rediscovery in French, and couples who come to one of the Retrouvaille marriage retreats have the opportunity to rediscover one another. They are reminded why they fell in love in the first place. While many marriage retreats only last for a few days, Retrouvaille offers a series of marriage retreats over a three-month period. These programs are offered in areas all around the country as well as some international locations. At these retreats, couples are encouraged to focus primarily on communication. Once they learn to communicate positively and effectively, couples will have the tools that they need to move forward in a healthy way.

8.Retrouvaille Marriage Retreats Marriage Rescue Associates offers Christian-based marriage retreats that work well for couples in various stages of their relationships. Couples that are just starting to struggle in their relationships, as well as couples who are already separated and feel ready for a divorce attend these retreats. They offer help for a range of issues, including infidelity and excessivequarreling. They also offer guidance to couples that are struggling with blended family issues. Rather than focusing on blame, the counseling focuses on solutions, and last anywhere from three to five days.

Recovery

DIVORCE AND YOGA ELIZABETH ROWAN

As I type, my laptop sits among a small mountain of legal documents, receipts from Home Depot, a new set of keys, suitcases spilling out ontothe floor, a copy of A Life Worth Breathing and the hot chocolate with rum that’s helping me sleep these days (Ayurveda for sure). I’m in my mom’s house, where I’ve been living temporarily for a few months as a reprieve.

I’m getting divorced.

There, I said it. I remember the first time I said it out loud when explaining my apartment hunting to a prospective landlord, not quite believing myself, certain that things would reverse themselves before it was final. They’re not. The landlord felt awkward, maybe sorry for me, definitely not seeing me as a stable future tenant. I didn’t get the apartment.

Now when I say it, I’m getting divorced, my stomach and heart both twitch, but I hear it as a statement of new beginnings,growth, and hope. Mostly. I try to, anyway.

That revised self-messaging isn’t happening overnight, and my head still occasionally mis-translates it when I remember something meaningful, hear from the attorneys, or throw a rockin’ pity party.

I’ve never learned, ached, cried, hoped or grown so much in such a short period of time as in the year leading up to my today. I continue to learn every day, and thankfully my round-the-clock yoga practice has manifested throughout this painful experience that is the end of a marriage.

My experience, my self and my divorce are all works in progress, but here’s how the yoga comes in for me these days: 1. Divorce makes me live in the present.

One of yoga’s hardest yet most basic principles, be here now, is becoming easier as I realized that living for a future, planning a family, preparing my home for anticipated celebrations, visitors, occasions, hopes and dreams was not only distracting me from my relationship but causing me to live tomorrow, next month, next year, instead of simply today.

Today I may be in marriage counseling, but if I concentrate on hosting a bridal shower for my cousin next year, all is good.

Not so much.

Divorcing takes the rug out from under us so much that we truly only know today. It’s overwhelming, scary, unknown, exciting, a veritable overload to plan ahead beyond the immediate needs like self-care and finding a new place to live. My slate is now wiped so clean that the future is entirely unknown. I’m veering from the path that I’d planned with such care and precision. Divorce or not, I’m reminded that there is no guarantee for any of us as to what’s beyond this moment. It is devastating and exhilarating.

photo credit is Raftermen Photography

Recovery 2. Divorce reminds me that I am not in control.

I cannot count the unexpected twists and turns that have accompanied this process of ending a marriage: Heartbreak, shock, surprising blessings, new and deeper friendships, painful judgement, unexpected loss of friends and side-taking, unexpected opportunities, and a greater dependence on myself than ever before.

Through it all, I’ve had to ride the waves, and this from someone who loves to think she’s in control. I have no choice but to practice letting go. I can’t control legal proceedings, the housing market, misconceptions, others’ actions or words. I am along for the ride, trying trying trying to practice yoga of the heart and mind as it all unfolds in order to surrender, manage my responses and learn all the while.

This may be the hardest for me, being completely subject to what feels like whims of everyone and everything else. But today I’m grateful for the lesson, the practice, the feeling deep down that yes, we are each just a speck in the greater universe. It’s humbling. It’s also a relief: we don’t have to work so hard!

It doesn’t absolve us from responsibility, but it does soften the human inclination of a “me against the world” struggle, shaking fist at the heavens. We can be soft, vulnerable, broken, learning every moment to let go and offer it up. In times of crises and heartache, we can do nothing but.

3. My body knew what was up before my head did.

My SI joint, at home in the root chakra where our most basic survival needs such as shelter, stability and home are met, started flaring up for the first time in my life and lasted for months. On reflection, of course it had. My world was being rocked in every possible way. Suitcases packed, heart breaking, home for sale, a veritable stability vacuum. My body knew; my unconscious knew. They had to scream for my head to finally listen.

I moved out. I found an apartment. The SI pain softened. Then the heart chakra fired, tightening my chest as if I’d never done a camel pose in my life. I work on this one daily as my mind and body battle over the self-preservation of closing my heart to the world versus making it open, bare, visible, alive. This one is a work in progress as I heal, forgive, stay open, actively try to look for and see love.

My throat chakra, center of communication, started tightening up, not wanting to speak, share, talk about it for fear of creating more pain. During peak moments of pain, this normally loud, animated talker was silently staring into her dinner, not eating and being generally mute at a family dinner. My body knew. Ignoring its messages and wisdom is not an option.

My body is experiencing and responding to this overall life upheaval well before my head. Our psyches protect us, a counselor told me, by not revealing all at once. Blessedly, our bodies don’t get the same memo and are forever transmitting information to us. Divorce led mine to do so via the chakra system, perhaps the wisest counsel I could ask for. I once wrote a piece called, “First the body whispers” and will forever be taking my own advice. Our bodies and hearts hold everything we need to know, long before our heads engage.

4. Divorce makes me discover, rediscover and honor my true self every day.

In relationships, we compromise, give and take, and within a marriage often become a “married” version of ourselves. We may change our name. Become half of a couple. The spouse of so-and-so. An identity shift naturally occurs to build and merge a life with another. My divorce took me back to me in an instant, for better or worse. Now I feel no expectations, no compromises, no influence, no role within a marriage, just me. Straight up.

I got a tattoo.

“So unlike you!”

Is it really? Could be I’m acting out, but for now, it feels true to me. I like it. I picked it out and marched into Memorial Tattoo all by myself, fear of needles and all. Just me. Apparently my true self can handle tattoos without fear or regret: a discovery. I remember that I am, in fact, the teeniest bit brave every time I look at it.

I’m flying to New York on what would’ve been my seventh wedding anniversary to hold and be held by dear friends as the year ends and begins. Normally I wouldn’t get near NYC on New Year’s Eve but this year is different. I’ll be raising my tattooed wrist to toast new beginnings with a view of Times Square as both the original and the new and improving me this year. I’m beginning to see where these versions of myself begin, end and meet. Just like in my yoga practice, always discovering, learning, growing.

My divorce teaches me so many yoga lessons daily, and I draw on yoga’s wisdom to guide me on this difficult journey. The light in me is beginning to see the light in me again. I bow to the process, and am sure this reeducation is only beginning.

Thank you, yoga.

How has yoga supported you or manifested during times of great heartache or change? I’d love to hear from you.

Elizabeth Rowan Private and Group Yoga Prenatal • Vinyasa • Retreats Join me in Baja, Mexico for Full Moon, Desert Zen on March 28-April 4,2015! Details at thetravelyogi.com.

Going through a divorce is hard. There are tons of conflicting emotions and racing thoughts. It can be tough to sort through all of your thoughts and make sense of the minefield that has become your mind. There are many ways to organize your thoughts and work through your emotions, such as meeting with a therapist. However, a great and inexpensive method is journaling.

If putting pen to paper isn’t really your thing or worry about the privacy of a tangible notebook, you can still journal!

Penzu is an entirely free way to free your thoughts. Penzu’s website describes the service as, “an online diary and personal journal that is focused on privacy. With a unique and compelling user experience, it makes writing online as easy and intuitive as writing on a pad of paper.”

You will never have to worry again about your most personal thoughts ending up in the wrong hands, as is often the case with diaries. Blogs are an option for those interested in an online interface, however you never know who could stumble upon your online entries. With Penzu, your account is protected by a password and each entry can be guarded with “military-grade encryption.”

The site is available in 170 countries, allowing it to be accessed by many different languages.The site is incredibly easy to use, making it a simple way to record your thoughts and recover from the emotional turmoil of divorce.

Dıvorce & Technology

New Year Resolution

Is Getting Divorced Your New Year’s Resolution?

“All I want for Christmas is my divorce” was a text I received. The message made me reflect on how many other men and women might be contemplating divorce in 2015. From Thanksgiving through New Year’s Eve, unhappy couples ride out the last few weeks of the year by marking off the calendar to January 2nd.

Determined to be happy in the New Year, men and women start calling lawyers to explore the next steps.

If getting a divorce is at the top of your new year’s resolution then this article is for you.

After all, resolutions are all about improving quality of life. Among them are losing weight, quitting smoking, drinking, organizing finances, the home, and simply enjoying life more. Statistics tell us that half the population makes resolutions, and half of them fail.

If getting a divorce is your New Year’s resolution, how can you succeed?

Step One: Are You Ready?

You may not be ready….aNew Year’s resolution does not have to begin on January 1st. Perhaps January 1st is the day you start doing your “prep work.” I recommend reading Contemplating Divorce: A Step-by-Step Guide to Deciding Whether to Stay or Go by Susan Pease Gadoua, LCSW. Below is an excerpt from the book: This is the first of a series of articles on “How to Time Your Split” You’re not happy.You want out of your pain. You think you want to leave your spouse but you keep getting indications that it’s not the right time. Distinguishing between what your head is telling you versus what your heart says isn’t easy at this point. Sometimes, when people think they want out badly enough, they leave impulsively and have a “let the chips fall where they may” attitude. It is not so much the fact that they wanted separation from their spouse, or even that they left, but the lack of consideration of the needs of their spouse and children that can cause tremendous fallout.

Let’s take a look at some cases where people left when the timing was clearly wrong. In each of these true stories, there are lessons that each couple learned as a result of their experience. I share these with you in the hopes that you can learn from these people.

DOUG AND MIRANDA On the eve of his son’s 10th birthday, Doug felt he was about to explode. The tension in the house was too much for him and the family pressure was off the charts. He didn’t have the energy to care that it was an important event in his son’s life and that there were family obligations; he didn’t care that they had a trip planned with the kids the following week; he didn’t care that their anniversary was a month and a half away. He had let his emotional upset reach a point where he felt he was having a nervous breakdown and that things were going to come to a head.

As Doug saw it, he only had two choices: 1) have a major blowout with Miranda once and for all, or; 2) leave.

He chose the second option because he thought it would create the least amount of waves. Yes, his leaving was quieter than a shouting match would have been but the impact was tremendous nonetheless.

BILL AND SALLY After a great deal of mutual fighting and abuse, Bill decided to move out of the house. Rather than seek professional guidance, read books, or get any kind of support, Bill and Sally forged ahead with their divorce.

Their daughter, Megan, was at the pinnacle of her gymnastics career at age 14. She was in junior Olympic competitions and winning medals left and right.

Her world revolved around her meets and she was even home-schooled so that she could travel all over the world to compete. There was no question that Megan was an exceptional athlete who was headed for greatness.

Bill and Sally didn’t really think about how Megan’s future career would be impacted by their split. With two households to support, they could no longer afford Megan’s coach, the gymnastics program she was enrolled in, or the travel for her competitions.

Megan’s life and destiny were changed forever. On the one hand, although Megan missed seeing her father every day, she felt some relief that her parents split up because she didn’t like feeling the tension and disdain between them. But in losing her life’s focus and purpose, Megan became clinically depressed. Megan’s coach was like her second mother and she mourned the loss of that relationship tremendously.

Six months later, when Megan’s grandmother (Sally’s

Doug’s son Cody woke up on his birthday looking forward to the family celebrating turning ten and Miranda had to tell him that his Dad was gone. Cody was devastated and thought that his Dad left because he had done something wrong. Instead of being the best day of his life, it was by far the worst.

When Doug later learned of the impact his departure had on Cody, he felt terrible. He realized that he should have thought more about preparing his family for his leaving and perhaps even waited until a week later to take off.

Lessons Learned: Prepare your family as best you can mentally, emotionally, and financially for the separation Avoid leaving during important holidays or celebrations And here’s another story demonstrating the importance of paying attention to the timing and manner in which you end your marriage.

mother) found out what had happened, she offered to give some financial assistance, but it was too late. The program Megan was on track for had already started and by the next opportunity Megan would have had to participate, she would have been too old to qualify.

If Bill and Sally had created some type of financial plan, researched scholarships (which they also found out later existed), or even sought assistance from friends and family, or divorce professionals, this level of impact might on Megan have been averted.

Lessons Learned: Ask for support and guidance before acting in as many areas as you can: financially, emotionally, mentally and physically.

Consider how your children’s lives will be impacted and wherever possible, maintain their schools, programs and support networks.

It’s not easy to know the exact right time to go and sometimes hindsight is the only way you can know if you made the right decision but getting the right resources, information and support make a big difference.

Hopefully, this book will help you or a friend facing this life changing decision.

Susan Pease Gadoua is the co-author with Vicki Larson of, The New I Do, Reshaping Marriage for Skeptics, Realists and Rebels (September 2014), and author of Contemplating Divorce, A Step-by-Step Guide to Deciding Whether to Stay or Go (August 2008), and Stronger Day by Day: Reflections for Healing and Rebuilding After Divorce (July 2010) as well as, The Top Ten Misguided Reasons to Stay in a Bad Marriage (March 2013). Susan is a licensed therapist based in the San Francisco Bay Area with an expertise in marriage and divorce.

Fashıon Men’s Fashion – Effortless Style Attention, men! We all have to wear clothes—and sometimes you just need some direction to look sharp. Most guys hate shopping, unless it’s waiting in line for a giant plasma TV or the latest iDevice. But clothes, not so much.

Unfortunately, it’s bad news if that aversion starts interfering with your potential swagger.

Photo Credit: Souqmobi.com

Thankfully, a number of emerging online subscription services are doing the heavy lifting for you. By recommending styles and shipping boxes of selected clothing to your door, you can shop like a modern man from the comfort of your couch. These clothing subscription services are sort of like taking your girlfriend with good taste to the mall to help you shop, without the girlfriend or the trip to the mall.

One example of the craze in action is New York-based Bombfell, a monthly clothing subscription service for men. To get started, you input important details like height, weight, body shape, sizes, stuff you’d never wear and brands you currently wear. Bombfell then funnels that data, along with relevant public details (e.g., location and occupation) from your social media accounts to help narrow down the types of clothes that might suit you best.

It’s part algorithm, part human touch. The system pinpoints items of clothing that might work, but an actual Bombfell stylist makes the final call for what goes into each box. Subscribers set a budget-per-piece category, so the choices won’t bust the wallet. And each month, you can also veto the choices, as Bombfell sends a preview email before shipping.

The idea is to make the shopping process as effortless as possible in a clothing market with so many options, according to Bombfell co-founder Bernie Yoo. “We take out the need to know what looks good on yourself or the need to bring someone along physically who does, and let you try it on in the convenience of your own home.”

For those who want an even more personal touch, there’s Chicago-based Trunk Club, which offers a more highly personalized service, with a premium price tag. Each item from Trunk Club generally costs at least $100, and the clothes are hand-selected. Trunk Club stylists work with customers through consultations via phone, email, text message, or the company’s app and website.

While Bombfell and Trunk Club pull clothes from brands and designers, other subscription services sell their own branded clothes. For $60 a month, Five Four Club will send a box with clothing worth at least $120. Frank & Oak’s Hunt Club allows its customers pick three of its items a month to try on at home and pay for only those they keep.

Monthly clothing subscriptions are available for women as well. Stitch Fix charges a $20 styling fee, and StyleMint makes each monthly collection in limited quantities.

Clothing retailers are stepping deeper into the online retail market. Warby Parker is making it fun to shop for prescription glasses online with home try-on, and companies like Dollar Shave Club, Manpacks and Birchbox are seeing a growing demand in delivering men’s toiletries and essentials. With services like these available online, you might never have to leave your laptop to achieve great style!

Recommended Books for Children of Divorce Dinosaur's Divorce

Marc Brown and Laurene Krasny Brown

What Children Need to Know When Parents Get Divorced William L. Coleman

It's Not Your Fault, Koko Bear Vicki Lansky

I Don't Want to Talk About It

Jeanie Franz Ransom and Kathryn Kunz Finney

Let's Talk About It: Divorce Fred Rogers

Mom and Dad Don't Live Together Anymore Kathy Stinson and Nancy Lou Reynolds

At Daddy's on Saturdays

Linda Walvoord Girard and Judith Friedman

Two Homes

Claire Masurel and Kady MacDonald Denton

Are We Divorced Too Daddy?

Vickie Gunnells-Hodge

Entertaınment / Music

Spotlight: Chirondala Maduka Las Vegas has long been known for its dynamic, talented cache of entertainers.

2015 promises to be no disappointment with the official introduction of one of the most beautifully gifted performers to hit the scene in years!

Chirondala Maduka, the 29-year-old single parent of a six-year-old girl, is doing it all! Somehow she manages to hold down a full time job, parent her daughter with the help of her ex-husband, and forge a brilliant path towards stardom with her amazingly beautiful voice and stage presence.

A graduate of Jacksonville State University with degrees in Fashion Merchandising and Theater Performance, Chirondala shared her story of marriage and the pain of her divorce after a relatively short five-year union. It began in May 2007 when she married the man of her dreams in an intimate wedding by the lake, officiated by her grandparents.

Her life was idyllic, sharing a beautiful home with her husband, both attending college and working full time. They were thrilled to welcome their baby daughter to the world in December 2008, and both worked hard at being perfect parents.

Unfortunately, the stress of college, work and parenting began to take a toll on their relationship, and resentment set in. She felt a decidedly sudden disconnect from her husband and began to retreat inward. Though she had a very deep spiritual grounding, she found it difficult to reach out to her congregation for a sympathetic ear. She found God’s joy and peace through meditation. She would often travel to Red Rock Canyon, which is the backdrop for her music video, to connect more closely with God. It was her safe place. In those moments, she found it difficult to pray and instead opted for “sitting in each moment of pain.”

It was then that her love of music and her creative talent took the lead. “One day I felt an inspiration that was divinely inspired,” said Chirondala. “It was as if God had sent to me the right people at the right time to draw out my divine gift of song.” It was the painful reality of a failed marriage and the love from family and a handful of spiritual brothers and sisters that encouraged her to pour her sorrow into song.

With their love and support, she wrote and recorded her breakout single, “Breathe Again.”

She confesses that her healing began in that moment, and has allowed her to grow in mind and spirit. Unfortunately their marriage came to an end and was finalized in January 2013, but she and her ex have forged a strong co-parenting relationship that has served to produce a happy, well-adjusted daughter.

Thankfully, there was no long drawn out contentious divorce, but a loving, cooperative agreement that has worked for both of them.

They share custody and put together a coparenting plan that is fluid, so as to accommodate her budding musical career and his profession as a Critical Care Nurse. Their relationship is a testament to the concept that love conquers all, and proof that if young adults can put aside their differences for the sake of their child, there is a chance to breathe again.

Chirondala’s next single is scheduled for release in February 2015, and her upcoming appearances will be announced on her website www.chirondala.com

www.vimeo.com/89366573

Advice from Kiera Divorce can be hard. It’s like a breakup, but like a million times worse. And if the divorce was anything less than mutual, you’re often going to want to retaliate, like any sane woman. Though female minds are prone to jump to all kinds of scenarios, here are a few tips for what you should and should not do when going through a rough divorce:

DO: Express your feelings.

While your ex might not be the source to rant to, that doesn’t mean you should bottle up all of those emotions. After all, what are friends for? Invite one of your besties over for some quality bonding over a bottle of wine or even have an emotional chat on the phone. If you don’t feel comfortable sharing all the personal, and possibly borderline crazy, thoughts circling in your head with a friend, talk to a therapist. I know it can DON’T: Key his car or slash his tires.

I know, it sounds fun. Just the thought of it sends a seem intimidating, but a stranger’s neutrality can be rush of adrenaline through me, but I’m going to tell you exactly what you need. straight up, ladies, this isn’t the answer. I mean, unless you’re objective is to end up in jail or paying a $600 DON’T: Stalk his every move. auto body shop bill when his security camera catches I’m not talking hiding in the bushes with binoculars you in the act. If that’s the case, then go for it! stalking, though I wouldn’t recommend that either. I mean, don’t check out his Facebook page and invesDO: Get rid of the things in your home that re- tigate every female’s profile that he has befriended.

Don’t scroll through his pictures and don’t ask mutual mind you of home.

Step one of moving on: Do a total detox of anything that friends what he’s up to. You’re not together anymore even makes you think of him. Pack his property--all of for a reason. And that means you need to stop focusing it--in a box and make him come get it. Of course, if it’s your attention and focus it inward, or on some other sitting out on your front lawn in the middle of a rainy hottie. downpour, well that’s just a fortunate coincidence.

DO: Spend time on yourself.

DON’T: Call him up crying, screaming, or overall Read some self-help books, do some yoga, start juicing. further entangling the awkward web of feelings Do things that are about you. Pick up an old hobby or start watching that Netflix show you never got around between you two.

This is just going to make things more awkward when you have to see each other for mandatory things, plus he could use it to make you look bad. Avoid the voicemails and the text messages whether it’s to say how much you hate his guts or how much want him back.

Trust me.

to. Whether it’s little or big, paying attention to you can be incredibly healing. Think about where things may have gone wrong and how you may have been affected by this whole process. Don’t be afraid to explore your emotions and spend a little time in your own head.

When one door closes, another opens, right? And the only way that new door is going to open is if you use this opportunity to grow and move forward.

There are a lot of things a nasty breakup or divorce make you want to do. But it’s important to remember that even though the situation is awful, it’s an opportunity to move forward. Stop focusing on him and focus on you.

XOXO, Kiera Kennedy

Recommended Reading

Love-Jacked!

Divorce Your Spouse, Not Your Dollars

By Bonnie Ashby Sewell

According to Sewell, divorce is a game, but its players shouldn't be spouses opposing one another; rather, the author contends, divorcing couples must view themselves as a team taking on the costly and soulless divorce industry. The book begins with an outline of current divorce models, from those negotiated entirely without lawyers to those dragged through the overburdened family law courts. Sewell outlines the basic structures and drawbacks of each, and she's particularly against taking divorce to court, telling court-bound couples to "open your wallet, hug your kids, and hold on. You're about to enter one of the worst legal processes we've created."

Though the author acknowledges that court or other standard methods of divorce may be the best choices for some couples, her central argument is that, for most people, there's a better way: fair negotiation through financial planning. Through a series of examples and anecdotes, she builds a convincing case for making professional financial planning the centerpiece of a successful divorce.

“open your wallet, hug your kids, and hold on. You're about to enter one of the worst legal processes we've created.

"

Health

Energy Shift Happens!

By Vicki Justice

There’s no doubt about it, change is the leading cause of stress in our lives. We all experience stress to some extent when accomplishing tasks, but when it comes to the big changes, stress becomes a heavy burden.

Death is a huge life event, and divorce is akin to the death of a relationship. Sometimes the entanglements and emotional fallout can be toxic for the body, depending on how bitter the parting.Divorce and stress can lead to several negative health consequences, such as anxiety, depression, heart disease, diabetes and cancer.

AlphaBio Centrix, a Nevada-based biotech company, announced it has developed a new programming procedure called “Bio Energy Synthesis Technology”, (BEST). This is a new technique used in programming wearable Bio Energy skin patches that can influence the energy field that surrounds all life forms via the central nervous system through sympathetic resonance. It’s like wearing a mobile software “app” that “re-trains” the automatic programs that run our body’s operational systems.

These frequencies communicate with, and enhance the body’s natural energetic system. And by wearing the Bio Energy patch 24 hours a day for the duration of the (3 day) protocol, the body is immersed in a corrective, informational and energetic exchange that promotes the balance of weak, disturbed and overactive energy.

AlphaBio Centrix has brought these “drug free” therapy products to the marketplace to help manage ailments such as pain and inflammation, detoxification, new hair growth, joint and memory issues, and weight loss, with an emphasis on destressing the mind so the body can find important relaxation periods during the end of the workday – all of this using natural energy.

This bio-energetic patch is considered one of the only “skin patch” therapy patches in the world that is hypoallergenic and waterproof. You can wear the patch when you bathe, shower, exercise, or swim

with no worries that it will grow a bacterial scum like other skin patches.

There are also numerous healthy and beneficial frequencies for the human body that are now being programmed into various devices such as patches for cell phones and laptops, bioenergy patches for the human body for wellness, and bracelets and pendants for protection from radiation, as well as patches for pets!

The advantage for the consumer is that they are affordable and easy to wear. By using these therapy products there are no ill side effects and no chemical reactions that can harm organs, just pure natural bioenergetics enters your body.

We also offer EMR (Electro Magnetic Radiation) protecting bracelets and pendants, embedded with rare earth elements that simulate the frequencies of nature to help keep your body in a healthy, protected state. We have many different bioenergy products to help you and yours with easing stress and shifting into a positive state of being!

For more information contact AlphaBio Centrix at 702-4852311 or their website:www.alphabiocentrix.com

Chapter Five

It took a lot of convincing for Ginger to accept Marlene, but she did. With one stipulation.

Marlene had to stop hitting on Jim, and knock it off with Doug. Marlene promised to stay away from Jim, but young Doug was another story.

Marlene’s taste in men, were like her taste in jewels. Expensive.

I looked out the shop windows, watching the big snowflakes cover the street and the sidewalk. I laughed thinking about the awning and how I was going to have to clean it off again by taking the broom to it.

Everyone helped clean up. Bernadine counted the money in the cash register because she was so organized I knew she would do it right. Cheri took care of poor Willow who wouldn’t go near Marlene and her red hot heels. Flora caught up on her phone calls while she stacked all the Divas projects in the storage room. Ginger, in true best friend style, cleaned the under and dusted the dust bunnies off the beads.

We said our goodbyes, and they promised they’d all stop by tomorrow to check in on me. I locked the door behind them and went to get Willow in the office.

“How did you do?” Sean was sitting in the office chair.

“Sean!” I screamed. “You scared the holy hell out of me! How did you get in here?”

He pointed to the window in the office.

“I know we are in Swanee, but you really need to keep the window locked.” Sean’s feet hit the floor when I knocked them off the desk.

“You can’t break into the place like you own it, Sean Harper. Now get out.” I demanded.

Willow twirled her tail, and looked up at him with her big black eyes. It was beyond me, but she loved him. Most women did. That was the problem. A marriage was for two, not three or four.

“Fine.” Sean stood up. “But if you need anything, call me.”

His hand slid down my arm, giving me chills.

Too bad, I thought. If only he could be faithful.

I made sure he was gone and locked the front door again. I stood at the front of the shop and marveled at my hobby turned dream. I giggled like a girl.

Finally my life was becoming mine and what I wanted to do.

“Let’s get your leash and go home.” I patted my leg for Willow to follow me. “And we can’t forget the you know what.”

I didn’t even want to say Yellow Spinet out loud. The thought of it made me nervous that Marlene had left it in my care.

I attached Willow’s leash and opened the desk drawer to get the pouch. I felt around the back of the drawer, the only thing in there was the money Bernadine counted from the cash register. I put the money envelope in my back pocket.

My heart stopped. I dropped Willow’s leash and pulled the drawer off the rollers. It had to be here somewhere.

Nothing.

I threw the drawer on the floor and scoured the rest of the desk. Not a sign of the pouch.

Frantically I searched the office high and low. There was nothing there.

“Marlene is going to kill me if we don’t find it.” I looked over at Willow with tears in my eyes.

It didn’t bother her; she was asleep in the corner.

There was nothing left in the office to search. The only things in there were the desk and the chair.

Sean. I ran into the shop.

I picked up the rotary phone on the counter and dialed his cell.

“You need me already.” Sean answered.

“No. Did you open my desk drawer by any chance?” I asked him. It would be out of his character to take the jewel. He would’ve said something about it if he did see it.

“No. I didn’t even open the drawer. In fact I shut it.” Sean answered. “When I sat down, I had to shut it to put my feet up. Why?”

“Oh, nothing.” I hung up the phone.

Sean was too dumb to know what the gem was. He would’ve thought it was just another glass bead.

I looked around the shop. I glanced around the floor. The under.

I had to do it. Stick my hand in the under.

With my eyes closed and ass up in the air, my elastic waist band was cutting into me, I sucked in and stuck my hand into the dark under of the hanging shelves.

I knew Ginger had cleaned the under, but maybe somehow the gem was there.

Nothing but dust bunnies.

The phone rang, scaring the living crap out me of. I jumped up to get it and pulled my elastic pants up.

“Hello?” I frantically answered.

“You really should say The Beaded Dragonfly.” Marlene was on the other end.

Thank god, she was going to tell me she had the Yellow Spinet.

“Marlene. I’m so glad you called.” I said panting into the phone. I really needed to get some of this weight off.

“Oh, good. Are you coming up with some great designs?” She questioned. “I was thinking.

Maybe we could do a pendent for a necklace or something.”

“Maybe.” I responded, not knowing if I should ask her if she took the Spinet or not. “How wide is it?”

I figured if she had it she could measure it. Not that I really cared how wide it was. I just needed to know that she took it.

“I don’t know. Measure it.” Marlene said, confirming she didn’t have it.

Damn, damn, damn!

“Is that all you need?” I had to get off the phone before I had a heart attack. “Gotta go.”

I hung up the phone and started to cry.

Chapter Six

I sat on the floor of the bead shop for what seemed like hours, but in reality was only twenty minutes. I couldn’t figure out for the life of me who could’ve taken it. Even Willow didn’t come to my side.

“I know you are hungry and want to go home.” I looked over at my little pink pig who looked pitiful. She wasn’t used to going so long without eating. Me neither. I put my finger in my waist band. It felt a little loose. Maybe all this stress was going to help me loose a little.

Or jail would. Once Marlene finds out that her jewel was missing, I’m sure she’d bat her fake lashes and have Noah Druck arrest me.

Let’s see. I got up and jotted down a time line. After the teenagers left, I went into the office and the Spinet was still there. It was still there when Cheri took Willow on her walk, but I didn’t check after the walk.

I jotted Cheri’s name on the paper as a possible suspect.

Bernadine was in charge of the money, but the money was still there. Surely Bernadine didn’t take it, but out of all the Divas she’d know the difference between a glass bead and real stone.

I jotted Bernadine’s name down.

Ginger cleaned the floor, but didn’t go into the office. So she didn’t make the list.

Sean. Enough said. His name goes on automatically. After all, I had believed he wasn’t cheating all those years.

Flora. She did take the projects back to the storage room and she would’ve passed the office.

So, I jotted her name down.

I looked my list over again. Cheri, Bernadine, Sean, and Flora.

Could a Diva really have done this? I tapped my pen on the paper. How was I going to figure out who did this?

I checked my watch. It was 5 p.m. Surely I could stop by their house and just see how each of them acted around me.

I looked outside. The snow was coming down in huge flakes, covering everyone’s footprints.

“Come on, Willow. If we are going to stop by all these houses before dark, we better get going.” I folded the paper and put it in my pocket. “Willow?”

Normally my sweet swine would have already been at my feet. She must have been really crabby.

I walked back to the office where she was fast asleep. The walk must’ve worn her out. I picked her up, and carried her out of the shop. I locked the front door and carried her to the car.

“I’ll take you home first.” I patted her sweet hungry belly and headed to the cabin.

Chapter Seven

Poor Willow was so tired from her walk with Cheri, she just wanted to go lay down in the bedroom. It was already 5:30 and I was running out of daylight.

First stop. Asshole.

I parked the Focus right behind his beat up truck. It looked like he was home alone. I didn’t want to interrupt any hanky panky with any of his women.

Quietly, I knocked on the door.

“Well, well.” Sean opened the door, his hand held the door open as he leaned on the doorframe.

It was hard not to notice his tanned biceps. I had heard that he’d been going to Tan Your Hide. I wasn’t sure if he was tanning or going down there to flirt with one of the community college girls.

“Have you come to your senses and want to come home?” He asked.

I wanted to smack that grin off his face.

“No.” I barged into what was once my home.

I couldn’t just tell him what I was there for. He already denied going through the drawer, but I had to see for myself. Like I said, Sean might be good-looking, but he’s as dumb as a box of rocks.

I pushed my way into the house.

“I. . .” I looked around the family room. It was never this messy when I lived there. He was living the single man’s dream. Empty pizza boxes and half empty beer bottles. “I came over because I think I left some of my winter clothes in the other room.”

Suspiciously, he eyed me up and down. I knew he was taking in my current weight gain. I tugged the collar of my jacket around my neck.

“I thought you took everything you wanted, since. . .” He stopped.

“Since what?” I glared. I dare him say I’m fat. I’m not fat, just a little on the plump side.

“Nothing. I’ll go look.” He sauntered down the hall toward our bedroom, which gave me some time to do some digging around.

I tiptoed into the kitchen because the first thing Sean does when he gets home was empty his pockets in the basket next to the kitchen door. Sure enough, his keys and a wad of cash were sitting in there, but no sign of the pouch.

Hmm. I slipped the cash in my pocket. He did owe me months of alimony, so it was rightfully mine.

“Where would they be?” He hollered from the bedroom.

“Ummm. . .” I jumped around the corner back into the family room. “Look in the little attic in the closet.”

That was one of his pet peeves. I did store a few items in the closet attic. It was a pain to get to, but if I made a new shoe purchase that he didn’t need to know about, I put them up there.

Hell, he had women I didn’t know about. So I didn’t feel too bad about buying shoes.

Plus, having him try to get up in the attic would take a little more time.

I looked in all the usual places, but came up with nothing. Under the empty pizza boxes and beer bottles on the table was just a film of dust. There was a few smelly socks on the floor, and a pair of woman’s underwear.

“I still don’t see anything up there.” He walked into the room. His mouth fell open as I dangled the underwear in the air.

“Those were a joke from a friend.” He followed me to the door. “I swear, Holly. There wasn’t any girl here.”

Slowly I turned around. If I could shot fire from my eyes, he would be a burnt hotdog.

“Does it matter, Sean? We are divorced. You can legally go around sleeping with any floozy in Swanee now.” I slammed the door behind me, satisfied that asshole really didn’t have the gem.

Next stop, Flora.

Her townhouse was on the other side of town, and the streets might not be plowed with the newly fallen snow. By the time I pulled the Focus into one of the visitor spots, it was 6:15, and almost dark.

I wrapped my scarf around my head, and got out of the car. Carefully, I walked up to Flora’s building. The last thing I needed was to fall and have a broken leg in jail. On the other hand, I hadn’t called her so no one would find me until I was frozen to death. Which reminded me that this would be another instance a cell phone might come in handy. But I refused to give into being at everyone’s beck and call twenty-four seven.

I pushed her buzzer.

“Hello? Who’s there?” Bernadine’s voice came over the speaker.

“It’s me, Holly. I know it’s late but I. . .” Damn! I hadn’t even thought up an excuse to be there. “I need to talk to you. About. . .uh. . Sean.”

The buzzer went off and I pulled on the handle.

She was already at the door with her phone still pinned between her shoulder and her ear.

“Yeah, I’ll call you back.”

She flipped the cell phone shut. “What did he do now?” She took my scarf and coat from me, and picked up a plate of cookies. “Cookie?”

One wouldn’t hurt. Besides, I was playing a part and I didn’t want her to raise any suspicions.

“One.” I took the biggest one off the plate, and took a bite. “Flora, this is so good.”

All the delicious yumminess almost made me forget why I was there.

“Tell me, what did he do this time?” Flora was well aware of all of Sean’s secret rendezvous with women, and his late alimony payments.

“I. . .” I took the money out of my pocket. “I went over there to get some of my clothes from the attic, and when he went to get them I saw this money on the floor. And. . .uh. . .I took it.” I handed the money to Flora. “I took it because he owes me so much back alimony.”

Flora separated the bills.

“You are worried about eight dollars?” Flora held the money up. “It’s eight dollars. Who cares?”

Damn! Eight dollars?

“I know, but I still feel bad. I need you to put it under your mattress. Far away from me.” I shielded my eyes. I had to be dramatic so she’d believe me and leave the room so I could do some searching.

“Eight dollars?” She questioned me with a curious look.

I nodded, and frowned.

“Okay.” She walked back to her bedroom.

Quickly I searched her purse sitting on the table, the kitchen, the family room, and actually looked under her couch.

When I heard her footsteps, I laid my head on the floor.

“I did it.” She stopped standing over top me. “What are you doing?”

“I was feeling faint from my crime.” I laid my hand over my head. “I think I need to lie down.”

“You are lying down.” She confirmed.

“No, I mean on your bed.” I jumped up and walked to her room.

“Fine.” She turned the bedroom light on. “Can I get you something? Water? A psychiatrist?”

“Water. Water is good.” I ignored the bit about the shrink. How was I going to stop all the gossip? Flora would be on the phone as soon as I left, telling all the Divas how crazy I was acting.

I jumped out of her bed and quickly looked around her room and bathroom. Luckily her phone rang and she answered it, so I knew it’d buy me some more time.

I found everything from a drawer full of old cell phones to another one full of batteries. But there was no pouch. No yellow gem.

I strolled out of the bedroom when I heard her coming back down the hall.

“Here’s your water. What are you doing?” Flora asked with hesitation in her voice.

“I’m feeling much better.” I said. “By the way, did you see anyone in the shop office when you took the Divas projects to the storage room?”

“I saw Bernadine in there and the new girl.” Flora tapped her temples.

“Marlene?” I asked.

“No, the new girl. Not cougar.” Flora laughed.

“Cheri?” I asked.

“Yep, her!” Flora snapped her fingers. “Here’s your water.”

She held the glass out to me.

“Oh, thanks for listening. I don’t need it now.” I headed to the door. I turned around. Flora’s mouth as wide open. “Oh, keep the eight bucks. Consider it your fee for listening to me ramble.”

I darted out the door before she could say anything else.

Yep. I bet Flora was on the phone with one of the Divas before I made it out of her condo building, telling them how crazy I’m acting.

If they only knew that the next Diva meeting just might be in a jail cell.

Bio: About Tonya Kappes: When not being the princess, queen, and jester of her family of three teenage boys, an adoring husband, and three fury kids, she travels to various writing groups as guest speaker on “How to Market and Promote Your Novels Effectively,” where she is known as a marketing guru.

Become a member of Tonya’s STREET TEAM! It’s a gathering place of readers who love Tonya Kappes novels and Tonya gives away monthly prizes! To sign up for Tonya’s STREET TEAM, newsletter, view book trailer, and upcoming news, check out Tonya’s website, Tonyakappes.com.

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Read the conclusion of Bead of Doubt next month.

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